You’re Probably More Loved Than You Think... So Why Doesn’t It Feel Like It? ❤️‍🩹The Happiness Lab

[music] [music] It's February, that time of year when we It's February, that time of year when we It's February, that time of year when we all feel like we're being bombarded with all feel like we're being bombarded with all feel like we're being bombarded with messages about love. Think lots of red messages about love. Think lots of red messages about love. Think lots of red hearts, [music] ads for diamond rings, hearts, [music] ads for diamond rings, hearts, [music] ads for diamond rings, lingerie, chocolates, and on and on. For lingerie, chocolates, and on and on. For lingerie, chocolates, and on and on. For those of us with romantic partners, those of us with romantic partners, those of us with romantic partners, there's pressure to make the perfect there's pressure to make the perfect there's pressure to make the perfect reservation, buy [music] the perfect reservation, buy [music] the perfect reservation, buy [music] the perfect gift, and plan that perfect date night. gift, and plan that perfect date night. gift, and plan that perfect date night. And if you're single, the season often And if you're single, the season often And if you're single, the season often comes with feelings of loneliness and comes with feelings of loneliness and comes with feelings of loneliness and FOMO. Honestly, this time of year FOMO. Honestly, this time of year FOMO. Honestly, this time of year doesn't always feel great. [music] It's doesn't always feel great. [music] It's doesn't always feel great. [music] It's like a huge Hallmark card being like a huge Hallmark card being like a huge Hallmark card being collectively shoved in all of our faces. collectively shoved in all of our faces. collectively shoved in all of our faces. This whole season is supposed to be This whole season is supposed to be This whole season is supposed to be about love. But that can raise some about love. But that can raise some about love. But that can raise some pretty big questions, [music] like, is pretty big questions, [music] like, is pretty big questions, [music] like, is this what love is really about? And if this what love is really about? And if this what love is really about? And if not, how many of us are actually not, how many of us are actually not, how many of us are actually experiencing the kind of deep connection experiencing the kind of deep connection experiencing the kind of deep connection we need to feel happy or even [music] we need to feel happy or even [music] we need to feel happy or even [music] just okay? just okay? just okay? >> We ask people, you know, how often do >> We ask people, you know, how often do >> We ask people, you know, how often do they feel loved and who do they feel they feel loved and who do they feel they feel loved and who do they feel loved most or least [music] by and we loved most or least [music] by and we loved most or least [music] by and we find that about 70% I believe don't feel find that about 70% I believe don't feel find that about 70% I believe don't feel as loved as they want. [music] as loved as they want. [music] as loved as they want. [music] >> This is the psychologist Sonia Lubberki, >> This is the psychologist Sonia Lubberki, >> This is the psychologist Sonia Lubberki, an expert on the science of happiness. an expert on the science of happiness. an expert on the science of happiness. >> They also said that their romantic >> They also said that their romantic >> They also said that their romantic partners were the people they most partners were the people they most partners were the people they most wanted to feel more love from. So they wanted to feel more love from. So they wanted to feel more love from. So they weren't getting as much as they wanted weren't getting as much as they wanted weren't getting as much as they wanted or even in many cases needed. or even in many cases needed. or even in many cases needed. >> And this is the psychologist Harry >> And this is the psychologist Harry >> And this is the psychologist Harry Reese, an expert [music] on the science Reese, an expert [music] on the science Reese, an expert [music] on the science of relationships. Sonia and Harry have of relationships. Sonia and Harry have of relationships. Sonia and Harry have come together to co-author a new book come together to co-author a new book come together to co-author a new book [music] called How to Feel Loved: The [music] called How to Feel Loved: The [music] called How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Give You More of What Five Mindsets That Give You More of What Five Mindsets That Give You More of What Matters Most. [music] The book explores Matters Most. [music] The book explores Matters Most. [music] The book explores why so many of us don't feel as loved as why so many of us don't feel as loved as why so many of us don't feel as loved as we'd like, but it also explores what we we'd like, but it also explores what we we'd like, but it also explores what we can do to change that. can do to change that. can do to change that. >> I love talking about how to feel loved. >> I love talking about how to feel loved. >> I love talking about how to feel loved. The book makes me feel loved and the The book makes me feel loved and the The book makes me feel loved and the experience of writing it with Sonia was experience of writing it with Sonia was experience of writing it with Sonia was definitely a loving experience as well definitely a loving experience as well definitely a loving experience as well as [clears throat] as [clears throat] as [clears throat] a literary experience. a literary experience. a literary experience. >> You guys do seem like you had like a I >> You guys do seem like you had like a I >> You guys do seem like you had like a I don't know if it's bromance is not the don't know if it's bromance is not the don't know if it's bromance is not the right word but [laughter] something right word but [laughter] something right word but [laughter] something already. already. already. >> We have great chemistry, [music] right? >> We have great chemistry, [music] right? >> We have great chemistry, [music] right? >> Stay tuned because in today's episode, >> Stay tuned because in today's episode, >> Stay tuned because in today's episode, the first of three shows we're doing on the first of three shows we're doing on the first of three shows we're doing on the science of love, Sonia and Harry the science of love, Sonia and Harry the science of love, Sonia and Harry will share some practical tips for will share some practical tips for will share some practical tips for strengthening our relationships and not strengthening our relationships and not strengthening our relationships and not just romantic [music] ones. We're also just romantic [music] ones. We're also just romantic [music] ones. We're also going to tackle how to feel loved in the going to tackle how to feel loved in the going to tackle how to feel loved in the friendships, family ties, and everyday friendships, family ties, and everyday friendships, family ties, and everyday connections we already have, plus the connections we already have, plus the connections we already have, plus the connections we're planning to build in connections we're planning to build in connections we're planning to build in the future. We'll get into all of Sonia the future. We'll get into all of Sonia the future. We'll get into all of Sonia and Harry's tips after some quick words and Harry's tips after some quick words and Harry's tips after some quick words from our sponsors. [music] >> So, let's start with the big but obvious >> So, let's start with the big but obvious question, which makes me think of a question, which makes me think of a question, which makes me think of a really bad '9s song. What is love? really bad '9s song. What is love? really bad '9s song. What is love? >> Well, there are many different >> Well, there are many different >> Well, there are many different definitions of love. Indeed, I think definitions of love. Indeed, I think definitions of love. Indeed, I think it's one of the most ambiguous words in it's one of the most ambiguous words in it's one of the most ambiguous words in the English language. You know, we we the English language. You know, we we the English language. You know, we we can love chocolate ice cream. We can can love chocolate ice cream. We can can love chocolate ice cream. We can love the New York Mets. And we can love love the New York Mets. And we can love love the New York Mets. And we can love our parents. And we can love our our parents. And we can love our our parents. And we can love our partners. So there are many different partners. So there are many different partners. So there are many different definitions. The definition that we use definitions. The definition that we use definitions. The definition that we use in the book is talking about the kind of in the book is talking about the kind of in the book is talking about the kind of deep embodied experience that you have deep embodied experience that you have deep embodied experience that you have when you have affection and caring and when you have affection and caring and when you have affection and caring and warmth for other people in your lives warmth for other people in your lives warmth for other people in your lives that you are connected to that your life that you are connected to that your life that you are connected to that your life is intertwined with. is intertwined with. is intertwined with. >> When a lot of people think of love, they >> When a lot of people think of love, they >> When a lot of people think of love, they think about the thing that you feel for think about the thing that you feel for think about the thing that you feel for someone else. Like I love my partner, I someone else. Like I love my partner, I someone else. Like I love my partner, I love chocolate ice cream. But you really love chocolate ice cream. But you really love chocolate ice cream. But you really focused on the flip side of that, the focused on the flip side of that, the focused on the flip side of that, the experience that you have of other people experience that you have of other people experience that you have of other people loving you. Sonia, why that focus for loving you. Sonia, why that focus for loving you. Sonia, why that focus for the book? the book? the book? >> As a happiness researcher, I I think >> As a happiness researcher, I I think >> As a happiness researcher, I I think actually whether or not you feel loved actually whether or not you feel loved actually whether or not you feel loved and the extent to which you feel loved and the extent to which you feel loved and the extent to which you feel loved by others may be the most important by others may be the most important by others may be the most important factor in happiness. And by the way, one factor in happiness. And by the way, one factor in happiness. And by the way, one reason is that we can be loved. You reason is that we can be loved. You reason is that we can be loved. You know, we can have all these people in know, we can have all these people in know, we can have all these people in our lives who objectively love us, but our lives who objectively love us, but our lives who objectively love us, but we don't actually feel loved by them or we don't actually feel loved by them or we don't actually feel loved by them or maybe not feel loved by them as much as maybe not feel loved by them as much as maybe not feel loved by them as much as we want to be. So that's a really we want to be. So that's a really we want to be. So that's a really important distinction. important distinction. important distinction. >> Harry, I know this is something you >> Harry, I know this is something you >> Harry, I know this is something you thought about as a kid. In your book, thought about as a kid. In your book, thought about as a kid. In your book, you admit how much you were tracking how you admit how much you were tracking how you admit how much you were tracking how much you thought other people loved you. much you thought other people loved you. much you thought other people loved you. Could you tell us a little bit about Could you tell us a little bit about Could you tell us a little bit about that middle school spreadsheeting? that middle school spreadsheeting? that middle school spreadsheeting? >> I was certainly an insecure kid, >> I was certainly an insecure kid, >> I was certainly an insecure kid, particularly in middle school is where I particularly in middle school is where I particularly in middle school is where I really remember that experience most really remember that experience most really remember that experience most vividly. I went to summer camp and I was vividly. I went to summer camp and I was vividly. I went to summer camp and I was in a bunk with about 10 other boys my in a bunk with about 10 other boys my in a bunk with about 10 other boys my age. And I remember waking up one night age. And I remember waking up one night age. And I remember waking up one night in the middle of the night when there in the middle of the night when there in the middle of the night when there was obviously some kind of activity was obviously some kind of activity was obviously some kind of activity going on where they were planning some going on where they were planning some going on where they were planning some kind of a raid on another bunk and they kind of a raid on another bunk and they kind of a raid on another bunk and they hadn't woken me up to take part in that hadn't woken me up to take part in that hadn't woken me up to take part in that and I felt just awful. And I remember and I felt just awful. And I remember and I felt just awful. And I remember just naturally spending a lot of my time just naturally spending a lot of my time just naturally spending a lot of my time tracking other people's behavior. you tracking other people's behavior. you tracking other people's behavior. you know, who was hanging out with whom, who know, who was hanging out with whom, who know, who was hanging out with whom, who were friends with whom, and were they were friends with whom, and were they were friends with whom, and were they including me or not including me? including me or not including me? including me or not including me? >> My gosh, I can feel that viscerally. I'm >> My gosh, I can feel that viscerally. I'm >> My gosh, I can feel that viscerally. I'm like stuck with you on the bunk at like like stuck with you on the bunk at like like stuck with you on the bunk at like 10 years old feeling that. 10 years old feeling that. 10 years old feeling that. >> Exactly. >> Exactly. >> Exactly. >> This is something that obviously you saw >> This is something that obviously you saw >> This is something that obviously you saw as a kid, and I think we can all relate as a kid, and I think we can all relate as a kid, and I think we can all relate to, but this is something a lot of to, but this is something a lot of to, but this is something a lot of people are feeling, not as middle people are feeling, not as middle people are feeling, not as middle schoolers, but as adults. So this kind schoolers, but as adults. So this kind schoolers, but as adults. So this kind of crisis of not feeling loved feels of crisis of not feeling loved feels of crisis of not feeling loved feels similar to another crisis that Sonia as similar to another crisis that Sonia as similar to another crisis that Sonia as happiness researchers we hear a lot happiness researchers we hear a lot happiness researchers we hear a lot about this idea of the loneliness crisis about this idea of the loneliness crisis about this idea of the loneliness crisis is not feeling loved the same as is not feeling loved the same as is not feeling loved the same as loneliness. Are there differences? What loneliness. Are there differences? What loneliness. Are there differences? What do you think? do you think? do you think? >> I mean you could argue that the root of >> I mean you could argue that the root of >> I mean you could argue that the root of loneliness is a feeling of not feeling loneliness is a feeling of not feeling loneliness is a feeling of not feeling loved. Not feeling loved, not feeling loved. Not feeling loved, not feeling loved. Not feeling loved, not feeling like you belong which would like you belong which would like you belong which would [clears throat] really go together. And [clears throat] really go together. And [clears throat] really go together. And certainly you can see that more and more certainly you can see that more and more certainly you can see that more and more people are acknowledging that they are people are acknowledging that they are people are acknowledging that they are lonely or when you ask them like how lonely or when you ask them like how lonely or when you ask them like how many people do you have to talk to you many people do you have to talk to you many people do you have to talk to you know in a crisis there's fewer and fewer know in a crisis there's fewer and fewer know in a crisis there's fewer and fewer less and less with time. When you think less and less with time. When you think less and less with time. When you think about a lot of other problems in our about a lot of other problems in our about a lot of other problems in our society whether it's uh bullying or society whether it's uh bullying or society whether it's uh bullying or polarization or violence you could blame polarization or violence you could blame polarization or violence you could blame sort of not feeling loved or loneliness sort of not feeling loved or loneliness sort of not feeling loved or loneliness for those problems as well. It's really for those problems as well. It's really for those problems as well. It's really even a bigger problem than we think. So even a bigger problem than we think. So even a bigger problem than we think. So Harry, what are some of the consequences Harry, what are some of the consequences Harry, what are some of the consequences of not feeling loved psychologically? of not feeling loved psychologically? of not feeling loved psychologically? What happens when we don't feel that? What happens when we don't feel that? What happens when we don't feel that? >> When we don't feel loved, that feeling >> When we don't feel loved, that feeling >> When we don't feel loved, that feeling should not be poo pooed. It's not should not be poo pooed. It's not should not be poo pooed. It's not something that exists in isolation in something that exists in isolation in something that exists in isolation in us. It goes along with many other kinds us. It goes along with many other kinds us. It goes along with many other kinds of consequences, certainly a lack of of consequences, certainly a lack of of consequences, certainly a lack of emotional well-being and happiness, but emotional well-being and happiness, but emotional well-being and happiness, but it even extends to the body and to our it even extends to the body and to our it even extends to the body and to our health. There's scores of studies that health. There's scores of studies that health. There's scores of studies that show that the kind of feeling that Sonia show that the kind of feeling that Sonia show that the kind of feeling that Sonia was describing are feelings that relate was describing are feelings that relate was describing are feelings that relate to just about every health problem you to just about every health problem you to just about every health problem you can think of. For example, heart disease can think of. For example, heart disease can think of. For example, heart disease is well known to relate to these feeling is well known to relate to these feeling is well known to relate to these feeling of not being loved and feeling lonely. of not being loved and feeling lonely. of not being loved and feeling lonely. One of my favorite studies is a study One of my favorite studies is a study One of my favorite studies is a study that was done in California where they that was done in California where they that was done in California where they looked at cancer deaths and the absence looked at cancer deaths and the absence looked at cancer deaths and the absence of meaningful connections which of meaningful connections which of meaningful connections which certainly would be related to loneliness certainly would be related to loneliness certainly would be related to loneliness and not feeling loved predicted and not feeling loved predicted and not feeling loved predicted premature mortality from cancer and a premature mortality from cancer and a premature mortality from cancer and a greater likelihood that once you get greater likelihood that once you get greater likelihood that once you get cancer you would die from it. basically cancer you would die from it. basically cancer you would die from it. basically a lack of connection that loneliness, a lack of connection that loneliness, a lack of connection that loneliness, the harm of that in terms of physical the harm of that in terms of physical the harm of that in terms of physical health problems is equivalent to smoking health problems is equivalent to smoking health problems is equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes per day. That number is 15 cigarettes per day. That number is 15 cigarettes per day. That number is just so compelling, right? just so compelling, right? just so compelling, right? >> And I'll just throw in one more set of >> And I'll just throw in one more set of >> And I'll just throw in one more set of studies which I think are incredibly studies which I think are incredibly studies which I think are incredibly fascinating because these are fascinating because these are fascinating because these are experimental studies now. So what they experimental studies now. So what they experimental studies now. So what they did in these studies is inject people did in these studies is inject people did in these studies is inject people with a cold virus and then did some very with a cold virus and then did some very with a cold virus and then did some very sophisticated work to see who got sick sophisticated work to see who got sick sophisticated work to see who got sick and who didn't get sick. And guess what? and who didn't get sick. And guess what? and who didn't get sick. And guess what? It was the people who experienced It was the people who experienced It was the people who experienced themselves as cut off from others and themselves as cut off from others and themselves as cut off from others and isolated were more likely to get sick isolated were more likely to get sick isolated were more likely to get sick after having been exposed to the cold after having been exposed to the cold after having been exposed to the cold virus. virus. virus. >> That's so amazing that we see these >> That's so amazing that we see these >> That's so amazing that we see these physical effects of not feeling love physical effects of not feeling love physical effects of not feeling love too. Do we understand the mechanism, too. Do we understand the mechanism, too. Do we understand the mechanism, Harry? Uh that's a really important Harry? Uh that's a really important Harry? Uh that's a really important question and it's one that a lot of question and it's one that a lot of question and it's one that a lot of scientists are devoting their attention scientists are devoting their attention scientists are devoting their attention to. The first thing I have to say is we to. The first thing I have to say is we to. The first thing I have to say is we don't really know. The second thing I don't really know. The second thing I don't really know. The second thing I would say is would say is would say is probably most of the action comes from probably most of the action comes from probably most of the action comes from two places. One is simply happiness and two places. One is simply happiness and two places. One is simply happiness and not being anxious, angry, depressed, not being anxious, angry, depressed, not being anxious, angry, depressed, sad. We know that positive emotions sad. We know that positive emotions sad. We know that positive emotions trigger a whole series of biological trigger a whole series of biological trigger a whole series of biological responses that are healthpromoting. We responses that are healthpromoting. We responses that are healthpromoting. We know that negative emotions trigger a know that negative emotions trigger a know that negative emotions trigger a lot of biological processes that are lot of biological processes that are lot of biological processes that are harmful and deletterious especially over harmful and deletterious especially over harmful and deletterious especially over the long run. The second kind of way of the long run. The second kind of way of the long run. The second kind of way of thinking about it which is a little thinking about it which is a little thinking about it which is a little trickier is the idea that we probably trickier is the idea that we probably trickier is the idea that we probably have mechanisms within ourselves that have mechanisms within ourselves that have mechanisms within ourselves that are designed by evolution to precisely are designed by evolution to precisely are designed by evolution to precisely carry out these connections. They're carry out these connections. They're carry out these connections. They're designed to make us seek out others, to designed to make us seek out others, to designed to make us seek out others, to seek positive connections with others, seek positive connections with others, seek positive connections with others, to respond well to them, to reciprocate to respond well to them, to reciprocate to respond well to them, to reciprocate to them. And these mechanisms are within to them. And these mechanisms are within to them. And these mechanisms are within us, but we don't really understand what us, but we don't really understand what us, but we don't really understand what they are and where they are, but there they are and where they are, but there they are and where they are, but there are a lot of people trying to track that are a lot of people trying to track that are a lot of people trying to track that down. And I suspect we'll know a lot down. And I suspect we'll know a lot down. And I suspect we'll know a lot more in the next 20 years. more in the next 20 years. more in the next 20 years. >> So, the consequences of feeling not >> So, the consequences of feeling not >> So, the consequences of feeling not loved are huge, but the problem is so loved are huge, but the problem is so loved are huge, but the problem is so many of us are feeling that way. And one many of us are feeling that way. And one many of us are feeling that way. And one of the things I loved about your book is of the things I loved about your book is of the things I loved about your book is that it walks through why we're feeling that it walks through why we're feeling that it walks through why we're feeling that way and all the ways that our mind that way and all the ways that our mind that way and all the ways that our mind gets not feeling loved wrong. I think gets not feeling loved wrong. I think gets not feeling loved wrong. I think one of the ways we get this wrong is we one of the ways we get this wrong is we one of the ways we get this wrong is we assume that if we're not feeling loved assume that if we're not feeling loved assume that if we're not feeling loved then we have to have some sort of then we have to have some sort of then we have to have some sort of personal failure. Like I'm not personal failure. Like I'm not personal failure. Like I'm not attractive enough or I'm not interesting attractive enough or I'm not interesting attractive enough or I'm not interesting enough or I'm not smart enough. If only enough or I'm not smart enough. If only enough or I'm not smart enough. If only I could be more lovable then I would I could be more lovable then I would I could be more lovable then I would feel loved. Sonia, why is this idea a feel loved. Sonia, why is this idea a feel loved. Sonia, why is this idea a bit wrong? bit wrong? bit wrong? >> I think [clears throat] you summarized >> I think [clears throat] you summarized >> I think [clears throat] you summarized it really well. First of all, yeah, the it really well. First of all, yeah, the it really well. First of all, yeah, the the idea that if we don't feel love, we the idea that if we don't feel love, we the idea that if we don't feel love, we think that the solution is to make think that the solution is to make think that the solution is to make ourselves more lovable, sort of more ourselves more lovable, sort of more ourselves more lovable, sort of more interesting, more attractive, more kind, interesting, more attractive, more kind, interesting, more attractive, more kind, more funny or somehow get the other more funny or somehow get the other more funny or somehow get the other person to love us more. And it sort of person to love us more. And it sort of person to love us more. And it sort of just turns out that doesn't work. And just turns out that doesn't work. And just turns out that doesn't work. And actually, it doesn't mean that you need actually, it doesn't mean that you need actually, it doesn't mean that you need to sort of change yourself. It doesn't to sort of change yourself. It doesn't to sort of change yourself. It doesn't mean you need to change the other person mean you need to change the other person mean you need to change the other person to somehow notice and love you more. to somehow notice and love you more. to somehow notice and love you more. What we argue in the book is what we What we argue in the book is what we What we argue in the book is what we need to do is change the conversation, need to do is change the conversation, need to do is change the conversation, which is much more feasible, much less which is much more feasible, much less which is much more feasible, much less overwhelming because when you think overwhelming because when you think overwhelming because when you think about a relationship, a relationship is about a relationship, a relationship is about a relationship, a relationship is really a series of conversations. And we really a series of conversations. And we really a series of conversations. And we can change the conversation in a way can change the conversation in a way can change the conversation in a way that makes you feel more loved by making that makes you feel more loved by making that makes you feel more loved by making the other person feel more loved. the other person feel more loved. the other person feel more loved. >> To feel a little bit more loved, we need >> To feel a little bit more loved, we need >> To feel a little bit more loved, we need to make other people feel loved. It's to make other people feel loved. It's to make other people feel loved. It's almost feels like a little bit of a almost feels like a little bit of a almost feels like a little bit of a paradox or that we get it backwards. paradox or that we get it backwards. paradox or that we get it backwards. What are some of the steps of making What are some of the steps of making What are some of the steps of making other people feel loved? other people feel loved? other people feel loved? >> Well, one of the things we argue is that >> Well, one of the things we argue is that >> Well, one of the things we argue is that it's the way you approach conversations it's the way you approach conversations it's the way you approach conversations that makes them result in the kinds of that makes them result in the kinds of that makes them result in the kinds of experiences in which you will feel loved experiences in which you will feel loved experiences in which you will feel loved and the other person will feel loved. So and the other person will feel loved. So and the other person will feel loved. So our argument is that if you approach the our argument is that if you approach the our argument is that if you approach the conversation with the mindset of helping conversation with the mindset of helping conversation with the mindset of helping the other person feel loved, something the other person feel loved, something the other person feel loved, something that is after all controllable by you, that is after all controllable by you, that is after all controllable by you, that will set off a cycle of interaction that will set off a cycle of interaction that will set off a cycle of interaction that will allow you to feel more loved. that will allow you to feel more loved. that will allow you to feel more loved. So the approach in other words is to So the approach in other words is to So the approach in other words is to listen carefully to communicate to the listen carefully to communicate to the listen carefully to communicate to the other person that you're really other person that you're really other person that you're really interested in what they have to say. You interested in what they have to say. You interested in what they have to say. You know, so many of us approach know, so many of us approach know, so many of us approach conversations as a this is my chance to conversations as a this is my chance to conversations as a this is my chance to show off what I think and feel. And show off what I think and feel. And show off what I think and feel. And that's the exact wrong approach. The that's the exact wrong approach. The that's the exact wrong approach. The right approach is to help the other right approach is to help the other right approach is to help the other person do that. So when they tell you person do that. So when they tell you person do that. So when they tell you about something that happened to them, about something that happened to them, about something that happened to them, one of the simplest phrases you can use one of the simplest phrases you can use one of the simplest phrases you can use is tell me more and mean it. of course is tell me more and mean it. of course is tell me more and mean it. of course and to do that with genuine curiosity and to do that with genuine curiosity and to do that with genuine curiosity because when other people experience because when other people experience because when other people experience that a little light bulb goes off inside that a little light bulb goes off inside that a little light bulb goes off inside their head says wow this person's really their head says wow this person's really their head says wow this person's really interested and then they become interested and then they become interested and then they become interested in you as well. Again, our interested in you as well. Again, our interested in you as well. Again, our intuition is to make ourselves more intuition is to make ourselves more intuition is to make ourselves more lovable, sort of to show off our lovable, sort of to show off our lovable, sort of to show off our positive qualities, right? So, we want positive qualities, right? So, we want positive qualities, right? So, we want to speak and sort of show how kind and to speak and sort of show how kind and to speak and sort of show how kind and interesting and funny and intelligent we interesting and funny and intelligent we interesting and funny and intelligent we are to impress the other person. And are to impress the other person. And are to impress the other person. And that does work. I mean, it may work to that does work. I mean, it may work to that does work. I mean, it may work to impress them, but it doesn't really impress them, but it doesn't really impress them, but it doesn't really forge a connection. It doesn't really forge a connection. It doesn't really forge a connection. It doesn't really make them feel loved or us feel loved. make them feel loved or us feel loved. make them feel loved or us feel loved. We're too focused on how we are coming We're too focused on how we are coming We're too focused on how we are coming across to the other person as opposed to across to the other person as opposed to across to the other person as opposed to how we're coming forward, which is how we're coming forward, which is how we're coming forward, which is really like what we can actually do to really like what we can actually do to really like what we can actually do to make the other person feel better. make the other person feel better. make the other person feel better. There's a kind of famous like dating There's a kind of famous like dating There's a kind of famous like dating advice which is that on a first date, advice which is that on a first date, advice which is that on a first date, you don't want to make yourself feel you don't want to make yourself feel you don't want to make yourself feel better about yourself. You want to make better about yourself. You want to make better about yourself. You want to make them feel better about themselves. them feel better about themselves. them feel better about themselves. >> But it's really counterintuitive. I >> But it's really counterintuitive. I >> But it's really counterintuitive. I think we assume that what's under our think we assume that what's under our think we assume that what's under our control is showing off how great we are. control is showing off how great we are. control is showing off how great we are. Getting other people to admire us. But Getting other people to admire us. But Getting other people to admire us. But what you're saying is no, no, no. It's what you're saying is no, no, no. It's what you're saying is no, no, no. It's under your control, but what's under under your control, but what's under under your control, but what's under your control is that you need to be your control is that you need to be your control is that you need to be responsive to the other person. responsive to the other person. responsive to the other person. >> Right? That's the first step. >> Right? That's the first step. >> Right? That's the first step. >> You need to do that first. >> You need to do that first. >> You need to do that first. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> But what does [music] taking that first >> But what does [music] taking that first >> But what does [music] taking that first step look like in practice? What are the step look like in practice? What are the step look like in practice? What are the strategies we can actually use to feel strategies we can actually use to feel strategies we can actually use to feel more loved [music] and to strengthen the more loved [music] and to strengthen the more loved [music] and to strengthen the connections that matter most? We'll dive connections that matter most? We'll dive connections that matter most? We'll dive into all those answers when the into all those answers when the into all those answers when the happiness lab returns in a moment. happiness lab returns in a moment. happiness lab returns in a moment. [music] >> Social psychologists Sonia Lubberki and >> Social psychologists Sonia Lubberki and Harry Reese want to help a lonely world Harry Reese want to help a lonely world Harry Reese want to help a lonely world feel more loved. And they've come up feel more loved. And they've come up feel more loved. And they've come up with five simple evidence-based [music] with five simple evidence-based [music] with five simple evidence-based [music] mindsets that can help us do just that. mindsets that can help us do just that. mindsets that can help us do just that. The first mindset is what they call The first mindset is what they call The first mindset is what they call sharing. I asked Harry to describe what sharing. I asked Harry to describe what sharing. I asked Harry to describe what that looks like. that looks like. that looks like. >> Sharing is simply the idea that in order >> Sharing is simply the idea that in order >> Sharing is simply the idea that in order to feel loved, you need to open up about to feel loved, you need to open up about to feel loved, you need to open up about yourself. That is let's say I present a yourself. That is let's say I present a yourself. That is let's say I present a totally curated fantasy view of myself totally curated fantasy view of myself totally curated fantasy view of myself to you. You may be impressed and when to you. You may be impressed and when to you. You may be impressed and when you tell me about how wonderful that you tell me about how wonderful that you tell me about how wonderful that sounds, how do I react? Well, it feels sounds, how do I react? Well, it feels sounds, how do I react? Well, it feels hollow because that's not me. That's not hollow because that's not me. That's not hollow because that's not me. That's not the me that I most feel. So when I hide the me that I most feel. So when I hide the me that I most feel. So when I hide myself and instead emphasize all my myself and instead emphasize all my myself and instead emphasize all my positive qualities, it creates this positive qualities, it creates this positive qualities, it creates this dynamic where the other person may well dynamic where the other person may well dynamic where the other person may well actually provide what you're wanting and actually provide what you're wanting and actually provide what you're wanting and yet it won't ring true because it's not yet it won't ring true because it's not yet it won't ring true because it's not the person who I am. And instead, if you the person who I am. And instead, if you the person who I am. And instead, if you can open up about the person that you can open up about the person that you can open up about the person that you really are, then when there is some kind really are, then when there is some kind really are, then when there is some kind of positive feedback coming, it's much of positive feedback coming, it's much of positive feedback coming, it's much easier to experience it as real, as easier to experience it as real, as easier to experience it as real, as genuine, and as authentic. Now, it's genuine, and as authentic. Now, it's genuine, and as authentic. Now, it's important to realize that we don't mean important to realize that we don't mean important to realize that we don't mean dump the story of your childhood on dump the story of your childhood on dump the story of your childhood on everybody in the first five minutes you everybody in the first five minutes you everybody in the first five minutes you meet them. No, that's not what we're meet them. No, that's not what we're meet them. No, that's not what we're saying. What we're saying is that you saying. What we're saying is that you saying. What we're saying is that you need to simply be genuine and real in need to simply be genuine and real in need to simply be genuine and real in talking about who you are. And over talking about who you are. And over talking about who you are. And over time, you will be able to tell those time, you will be able to tell those time, you will be able to tell those stories about your childhood and the stories about your childhood and the stories about your childhood and the weaknesses and the shortcomings and the weaknesses and the shortcomings and the weaknesses and the shortcomings and the fears that you have. But that's not fears that you have. But that's not fears that you have. But that's not something you do in the first five something you do in the first five something you do in the first five minutes. It's something that comes down minutes. It's something that comes down minutes. It's something that comes down the road. the road. the road. >> So, this kind of sharing is really good >> So, this kind of sharing is really good >> So, this kind of sharing is really good for us. It makes us feel loved. It makes for us. It makes us feel loved. It makes for us. It makes us feel loved. It makes other people love us. But it can be other people love us. But it can be other people love us. But it can be incredibly scary. It can feel super incredibly scary. It can feel super incredibly scary. It can feel super awkward. And Sonia, this is what you've awkward. And Sonia, this is what you've awkward. And Sonia, this is what you've called the paradox of vulnerability. called the paradox of vulnerability. called the paradox of vulnerability. What's that? [clears throat] What's that? [clears throat] What's that? [clears throat] >> Yeah. So, um, to feel loved, we need to >> Yeah. So, um, to feel loved, we need to >> Yeah. So, um, to feel loved, we need to be known. If we're not really known to be known. If we're not really known to be known. If we're not really known to another person, we'll always wonder, another person, we'll always wonder, another person, we'll always wonder, would they still love me if they knew would they still love me if they knew would they still love me if they knew me? Um, the [clears throat] paradox of me? Um, the [clears throat] paradox of me? Um, the [clears throat] paradox of vulnerability is that we think that if vulnerability is that we think that if vulnerability is that we think that if we reveal something vulnerable or we reveal something vulnerable or we reveal something vulnerable or negative about us, maybe a self-doubt negative about us, maybe a self-doubt negative about us, maybe a self-doubt that we have, an insecurity that we that we have, an insecurity that we that we have, an insecurity that we have, maybe even a trauma from our have, maybe even a trauma from our have, maybe even a trauma from our childhood, that we would be liked less. childhood, that we would be liked less. childhood, that we would be liked less. And actually it turns out that again And actually it turns out that again And actually it turns out that again when done at the right pace that when done at the right pace that when done at the right pace that actually we tend to be liked more when actually we tend to be liked more when actually we tend to be liked more when we reveal something a little deeper we reveal something a little deeper we reveal something a little deeper [clears throat] about ourselves. Like I [clears throat] about ourselves. Like I [clears throat] about ourselves. Like I actually was just talking to someone actually was just talking to someone actually was just talking to someone about after the Bay of Pigs when John F. about after the Bay of Pigs when John F. about after the Bay of Pigs when John F. Kennedy admitted he made a mistake. Kennedy admitted he made a mistake. Kennedy admitted he made a mistake. Apparently his approval rating shot up. Apparently his approval rating shot up. Apparently his approval rating shot up. >> Another thing I think we get wrong when >> Another thing I think we get wrong when >> Another thing I think we get wrong when it comes to sharing is that we assume it comes to sharing is that we assume it comes to sharing is that we assume that people already know. People say that people already know. People say that people already know. People say how's it going? And you're like fine. how's it going? And you're like fine. how's it going? And you're like fine. And you kind of assume that people will And you kind of assume that people will And you kind of assume that people will see through. Well, no you're not fine. see through. Well, no you're not fine. see through. Well, no you're not fine. You're having a really tough day. This You're having a really tough day. This You're having a really tough day. This is Harry what you've called the illusion is Harry what you've called the illusion is Harry what you've called the illusion of transparency. I think I can get it of transparency. I think I can get it of transparency. I think I can get it from the name, but walk me through what from the name, but walk me through what from the name, but walk me through what this is. this is. this is. >> Well, the illusion of transparency is >> Well, the illusion of transparency is >> Well, the illusion of transparency is the idea that we think that what's going the idea that we think that what's going the idea that we think that what's going on in our heads is visible to the people on in our heads is visible to the people on in our heads is visible to the people we're interacting with. You know, my we're interacting with. You know, my we're interacting with. You know, my wife is fond of saying to me, I can't wife is fond of saying to me, I can't wife is fond of saying to me, I can't read your mind. And I want to say, but read your mind. And I want to say, but read your mind. And I want to say, but what do you mean? You know me. You know, what do you mean? You know me. You know, what do you mean? You know me. You know, we've been together for 41 years. But we've been together for 41 years. But we've been together for 41 years. But the reality is that other people can't the reality is that other people can't the reality is that other people can't know what's in your head. They don't know what's in your head. They don't know what's in your head. They don't know what your day was. And even if they know what your day was. And even if they know what your day was. And even if they know some of the basic facts about know some of the basic facts about know some of the basic facts about what's going on, they don't know how you what's going on, they don't know how you what's going on, they don't know how you experienced it. They don't know what experienced it. They don't know what experienced it. They don't know what your experience of your life is like. your experience of your life is like. your experience of your life is like. So, you really need to be articulate So, you really need to be articulate So, you really need to be articulate about everything so other people can about everything so other people can about everything so other people can really get it. really get it. really get it. >> And so, we need to share. We need to >> And so, we need to share. We need to >> And so, we need to share. We need to make things transparent. But what are make things transparent. But what are make things transparent. But what are some practical strategies for doing some practical strategies for doing some practical strategies for doing that? Well, any of your favorite tips, that? Well, any of your favorite tips, that? Well, any of your favorite tips, Sonia? Sonia? Sonia? >> Really just starting small. Did someone >> Really just starting small. Did someone >> Really just starting small. Did someone ask you how you are instead of saying, ask you how you are instead of saying, ask you how you are instead of saying, "I'm fine." You might say, "Oh, I had a "I'm fine." You might say, "Oh, I had a "I'm fine." You might say, "Oh, I had a rough day or you know, I was sort of rough day or you know, I was sort of rough day or you know, I was sort of struggling today a little bit." So, kind struggling today a little bit." So, kind struggling today a little bit." So, kind of starting small and then maybe of starting small and then maybe of starting small and then maybe revealing a little bit deeper and revealing a little bit deeper and revealing a little bit deeper and deeper, more of your kind of full self. deeper, more of your kind of full self. deeper, more of your kind of full self. The idea is that the other person The idea is that the other person The idea is that the other person hopefully will listen. If they listen hopefully will listen. If they listen hopefully will listen. If they listen well and are responsive to us, they make well and are responsive to us, they make well and are responsive to us, they make us feel understood and valued and loved, us feel understood and valued and loved, us feel understood and valued and loved, that would encourage us to open up even that would encourage us to open up even that would encourage us to open up even more. So, that's sort of the cycle that more. So, that's sort of the cycle that more. So, that's sort of the cycle that we talk about. And then if we show we talk about. And then if we show we talk about. And then if we show genuine curiosity and we listen really genuine curiosity and we listen really genuine curiosity and we listen really well with warmth to the other person, well with warmth to the other person, well with warmth to the other person, they're going to feel even a little bit they're going to feel even a little bit they're going to feel even a little bit more safety, more trust, and it'll be more safety, more trust, and it'll be more safety, more trust, and it'll be easier for them to open up a little bit easier for them to open up a little bit easier for them to open up a little bit more. more. more. >> Yeah. And what I would add to it is the >> Yeah. And what I would add to it is the >> Yeah. And what I would add to it is the idea that in our close relationships idea that in our close relationships idea that in our close relationships such as um with your living partners, such as um with your living partners, such as um with your living partners, it's very easy to build in a ritual of, it's very easy to build in a ritual of, it's very easy to build in a ritual of, you know, how was your day? But what a you know, how was your day? But what a you know, how was your day? But what a lot of people do when they do how was lot of people do when they do how was lot of people do when they do how was your day is, you know, recount a few your day is, you know, recount a few your day is, you know, recount a few facts and then go on to answering their facts and then go on to answering their facts and then go on to answering their emails. And perhaps most of us are so emails. And perhaps most of us are so emails. And perhaps most of us are so tired at the end of a day that we don't tired at the end of a day that we don't tired at the end of a day that we don't really want to go into it. But the whole really want to go into it. But the whole really want to go into it. But the whole point is that you do have to go into it point is that you do have to go into it point is that you do have to go into it and you know to make that a priority as and you know to make that a priority as and you know to make that a priority as opposed to the last thing that you do opposed to the last thing that you do opposed to the last thing that you do >> and to ask each other questions and I >> and to ask each other questions and I >> and to ask each other questions and I would say the right kind of questions. would say the right kind of questions. would say the right kind of questions. One of the points we make in our book is One of the points we make in our book is One of the points we make in our book is that with the longer term relationships, that with the longer term relationships, that with the longer term relationships, we sort of tend to assume that we sort we sort of tend to assume that we sort we sort of tend to assume that we sort of know the person. You know, when we of know the person. You know, when we of know the person. You know, when we first start meeting someone, whether first start meeting someone, whether first start meeting someone, whether it's a colleague or a friend or a it's a colleague or a friend or a it's a colleague or a friend or a romantic partner, right, we ask them a romantic partner, right, we ask them a romantic partner, right, we ask them a lot of questions, like we're so curious lot of questions, like we're so curious lot of questions, like we're so curious about them. And then after a while, we about them. And then after a while, we about them. And then after a while, we just kind of feel like, oh, we we now just kind of feel like, oh, we we now just kind of feel like, oh, we we now know this person. So, we often stop know this person. So, we often stop know this person. So, we often stop asking, which is actually kind of really asking, which is actually kind of really asking, which is actually kind of really sad because everyone's always changing. sad because everyone's always changing. sad because everyone's always changing. like we're always having new experiences like we're always having new experiences like we're always having new experiences and thoughts and doubts and fears and and thoughts and doubts and fears and and thoughts and doubts and fears and dreams and wishes right and so to keep dreams and wishes right and so to keep dreams and wishes right and so to keep asking questions sort of these kind of asking questions sort of these kind of asking questions sort of these kind of deeper questions I think is really deeper questions I think is really deeper questions I think is really important important important >> let me just make the point which I think >> let me just make the point which I think >> let me just make the point which I think would be really useful it's not the would be really useful it's not the would be really useful it's not the sharing of information that is the sharing of information that is the sharing of information that is the important part of it it's the important part of it it's the important part of it it's the conversation that follows from sharing conversation that follows from sharing conversation that follows from sharing that's important so if the sharing that's important so if the sharing that's important so if the sharing doesn't lead to a conversation it's just doesn't lead to a conversation it's just doesn't lead to a conversation it's just a monologue or an interview but when it a monologue or an interview but when it a monologue or an interview but when it leads to a conversation that's genuine, leads to a conversation that's genuine, leads to a conversation that's genuine, that's where the benefit comes from. that's where the benefit comes from. that's where the benefit comes from. >> And this idea that conversation gets to >> And this idea that conversation gets to >> And this idea that conversation gets to the second important mindset that's so the second important mindset that's so the second important mindset that's so critical for making other people feel critical for making other people feel critical for making other people feel loved. We need to start listening to loved. We need to start listening to loved. We need to start listening to learn. How is listening to learn learn. How is listening to learn learn. How is listening to learn different than we normally go about different than we normally go about different than we normally go about listening? listening? listening? >> Well, one of the things that's so >> Well, one of the things that's so >> Well, one of the things that's so interesting about listening research is interesting about listening research is interesting about listening research is that if you ask people are you a good that if you ask people are you a good that if you ask people are you a good listener, something like 90% of people listener, something like 90% of people listener, something like 90% of people will say that they are a good listener. will say that they are a good listener. will say that they are a good listener. If you ask people, do the people around If you ask people, do the people around If you ask people, do the people around you listen well to you? That number you listen well to you? That number you listen well to you? That number drops to about 8%. [laughter] drops to about 8%. [laughter] drops to about 8%. [laughter] >> It tells you that there's a real gap >> It tells you that there's a real gap >> It tells you that there's a real gap there. there. there. >> I think most people feel like they're >> I think most people feel like they're >> I think most people feel like they're like pretty good listeners, but it turns like pretty good listeners, but it turns like pretty good listeners, but it turns out that most of us are not good out that most of us are not good out that most of us are not good listeners, including myself. When we're listeners, including myself. When we're listeners, including myself. When we're listening, we're really like rehearsing listening, we're really like rehearsing listening, we're really like rehearsing our answer that we're going to give. And our answer that we're going to give. And our answer that we're going to give. And I do this all the time. It's like we're I do this all the time. It's like we're I do this all the time. It's like we're waiting for like the mic to be given to waiting for like the mic to be given to waiting for like the mic to be given to us. And so we're sort of listening to us. And so we're sort of listening to us. And so we're sort of listening to respond instead of listening to learn. respond instead of listening to learn. respond instead of listening to learn. And so it really requires a kind of And so it really requires a kind of And so it really requires a kind of retraining of our mind. And and one way retraining of our mind. And and one way retraining of our mind. And and one way to do that is to try to listen like to do that is to try to listen like to do that is to try to listen like you're going to be tested on it the next you're going to be tested on it the next you're going to be tested on it the next day. Harry and I went to a a listening day. Harry and I went to a a listening day. Harry and I went to a a listening workshop. We were divided into diads workshop. We were divided into diads workshop. We were divided into diads into pairs of two and we told our story into pairs of two and we told our story into pairs of two and we told our story to the other person and and then we were to the other person and and then we were to the other person and and then we were supposed to retell the entire story. I supposed to retell the entire story. I supposed to retell the entire story. I remember I was paired up with this woman remember I was paired up with this woman remember I was paired up with this woman and I was listening so hard. I mean, I and I was listening so hard. I mean, I and I was listening so hard. I mean, I really was listening very hard. Like, really was listening very hard. Like, really was listening very hard. Like, I'm going to be quizzed on it because I I'm going to be quizzed on it because I I'm going to be quizzed on it because I was because then I was asked to kind of was because then I was asked to kind of was because then I was asked to kind of retell the whole story. And I have to retell the whole story. And I have to retell the whole story. And I have to tell you, I I mean, I think I did a tell you, I I mean, I think I did a tell you, I I mean, I think I did a pretty good job, but there were so many pretty good job, but there were so many pretty good job, but there were so many things I got wrong. And she was like, things I got wrong. And she was like, things I got wrong. And she was like, "No, no, I never said that." Or like, "No, no, I never said that." Or like, "No, no, I never said that." Or like, "No, no, that's not how it happened." "No, no, that's not how it happened." "No, no, that's not how it happened." And so, the first first is sort of And so, the first first is sort of And so, the first first is sort of listening like you're going to be listening like you're going to be listening like you're going to be quizzed on it. But then the second is to quizzed on it. But then the second is to quizzed on it. But then the second is to ask questions and ask the kind of ask questions and ask the kind of ask questions and ask the kind of questions that show the person you were questions that show the person you were questions that show the person you were really listening. Maybe you're even really listening. Maybe you're even really listening. Maybe you're even taking it to like the next level. Maybe taking it to like the next level. Maybe taking it to like the next level. Maybe even better, you had an insight about even better, you had an insight about even better, you had an insight about what they were telling you because that what they were telling you because that what they were telling you because that that makes the person feel so seen like that makes the person feel so seen like that makes the person feel so seen like wow that person really wants to know wow that person really wants to know wow that person really wants to know about my inner life, right? So ask each about my inner life, right? So ask each about my inner life, right? So ask each other questions. other questions. other questions. >> And so this idea of feeling seen >> And so this idea of feeling seen >> And so this idea of feeling seen suggests there's all these benefits to suggests there's all these benefits to suggests there's all these benefits to being listened to. But Harry, what are being listened to. But Harry, what are being listened to. But Harry, what are some of these benefits? And are there some of these benefits? And are there some of these benefits? And are there also benefits when you are doing the also benefits when you are doing the also benefits when you are doing the listening? listening? listening? >> Well, there are many benefits of feeling >> Well, there are many benefits of feeling >> Well, there are many benefits of feeling listened to. It leads people to feel listened to. It leads people to feel listened to. It leads people to feel more trust in you. It improves the more trust in you. It improves the more trust in you. It improves the relationship. There a wonderful study relationship. There a wonderful study relationship. There a wonderful study done by our colleague Guy Ichikov in done by our colleague Guy Ichikov in done by our colleague Guy Ichikov in Israel shows that burnout is much less Israel shows that burnout is much less Israel shows that burnout is much less of a problem when teachers in particular of a problem when teachers in particular of a problem when teachers in particular feel listened to by their principles. feel listened to by their principles. feel listened to by their principles. Other studies show that couples when Other studies show that couples when Other studies show that couples when they feel listened to, conflict goes they feel listened to, conflict goes they feel listened to, conflict goes much better. And it's not necessarily much better. And it's not necessarily much better. And it's not necessarily that they are better able to resolve that they are better able to resolve that they are better able to resolve conflict. It's that the conflict becomes conflict. It's that the conflict becomes conflict. It's that the conflict becomes less pernitious. people become less less pernitious. people become less less pernitious. people become less defensive and as a result they end up defensive and as a result they end up defensive and as a result they end up feeling better even if that original feeling better even if that original feeling better even if that original issue hasn't been resolved. So it builds issue hasn't been resolved. So it builds issue hasn't been resolved. So it builds trust and connection and a real sense of trust and connection and a real sense of trust and connection and a real sense of partnership and interdependence. partnership and interdependence. partnership and interdependence. >> It sounds like if you're boosting >> It sounds like if you're boosting >> It sounds like if you're boosting people's sense of trust, if you're people's sense of trust, if you're people's sense of trust, if you're boosting the sense of partnership, then boosting the sense of partnership, then boosting the sense of partnership, then the listener will also get these the listener will also get these the listener will also get these benefits as well. I have an example benefits as well. I have an example benefits as well. I have an example actually from um just recently I was actually from um just recently I was actually from um just recently I was talking to a friend who basically said talking to a friend who basically said talking to a friend who basically said that she didn't feel very loved by her that she didn't feel very loved by her that she didn't feel very loved by her adult daughter who's about like 28 years adult daughter who's about like 28 years adult daughter who's about like 28 years old and so she's like trying to figure old and so she's like trying to figure old and so she's like trying to figure out how to feel more loved by her like out how to feel more loved by her like out how to feel more loved by her like maybe she can talk to her and say I maybe she can talk to her and say I maybe she can talk to her and say I don't feel loved by you and I said well don't feel loved by you and I said well don't feel loved by you and I said well actually the thing to do is to listen to actually the thing to do is to listen to actually the thing to do is to listen to her start by listening right just by her start by listening right just by her start by listening right just by making her feel love first sort of to making her feel love first sort of to making her feel love first sort of to show genuine curiosity and really listen show genuine curiosity and really listen show genuine curiosity and really listen to what she cares about to what she cares about to what she cares about >> and to just take that a step further. >> and to just take that a step further. >> and to just take that a step further. One of the all-time classics in this One of the all-time classics in this One of the all-time classics in this area is Dale Carnegy's How to Win area is Dale Carnegy's How to Win area is Dale Carnegy's How to Win Friends and Influence People. If you Friends and Influence People. If you Friends and Influence People. If you look at his six rules of how to do that, look at his six rules of how to do that, look at his six rules of how to do that, they're all about listening to the other they're all about listening to the other they're all about listening to the other person. They're all about making the person. They're all about making the person. They're all about making the other person feel that you're interested other person feel that you're interested other person feel that you're interested in them, you value them, you care about in them, you value them, you care about in them, you value them, you care about them. them. them. >> You had one Dale Carnegie suggestion in >> You had one Dale Carnegie suggestion in >> You had one Dale Carnegie suggestion in the book that I loved. this idea that if the book that I loved. this idea that if the book that I loved. this idea that if you want to make other people feel you want to make other people feel you want to make other people feel loved, you should ask questions that the loved, you should ask questions that the loved, you should ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering. I other person will enjoy answering. I other person will enjoy answering. I love that one. love that one. love that one. >> I love Del Carnegie, by the way. I've >> I love Del Carnegie, by the way. I've >> I love Del Carnegie, by the way. I've read that book like three times. There's read that book like three times. There's read that book like three times. There's like a version for teen girls and I like a version for teen girls and I like a version for teen girls and I actually bought that book to give it to actually bought that book to give it to actually bought that book to give it to my daughters. I have three daughters and my daughters. I have three daughters and my daughters. I have three daughters and actually one one of my daughters is 12 actually one one of my daughters is 12 actually one one of my daughters is 12 and she told me just the other day that and she told me just the other day that and she told me just the other day that she remembered one of her friends she remembered one of her friends she remembered one of her friends mentioning some kind of sport that her mentioning some kind of sport that her mentioning some kind of sport that her friend was really really into. And then friend was really really into. And then friend was really really into. And then a month later she's like, "Mom, I a month later she's like, "Mom, I a month later she's like, "Mom, I remembered that she really likes this remembered that she really likes this remembered that she really likes this sport." So I asked her blah blah blah, sport." So I asked her blah blah blah, sport." So I asked her blah blah blah, you know, tell me about this sport. And you know, tell me about this sport. And you know, tell me about this sport. And the girl was like so excited and just the girl was like so excited and just the girl was like so excited and just started going on and on about this started going on and on about this started going on and on about this passion of hers, right? So it's pretty passion of hers, right? So it's pretty passion of hers, right? So it's pretty simple actually yet to remember what it simple actually yet to remember what it simple actually yet to remember what it is the other person really wants to talk is the other person really wants to talk is the other person really wants to talk about and then to ask them about it. about and then to ask them about it. about and then to ask them about it. >> So that was mindset number two. We need >> So that was mindset number two. We need >> So that was mindset number two. We need to listen to learn a little bit better. to listen to learn a little bit better. to listen to learn a little bit better. Mindset three is one that we know Mindset three is one that we know Mindset three is one that we know benefits our happiness. It is that we benefits our happiness. It is that we benefits our happiness. It is that we need to get really curious. Sonia, need to get really curious. Sonia, need to get really curious. Sonia, you've called this idea radical you've called this idea radical you've called this idea radical curiosity. What's the radical part of curiosity. What's the radical part of curiosity. What's the radical part of radical curiosity? Sometimes people have radical curiosity? Sometimes people have radical curiosity? Sometimes people have trouble understanding the difference trouble understanding the difference trouble understanding the difference between good listening and curiosity. between good listening and curiosity. between good listening and curiosity. And and so I like to sort of use this And and so I like to sort of use this And and so I like to sort of use this example. Imagine listening to a lecture example. Imagine listening to a lecture example. Imagine listening to a lecture or a podcast for that matter. And maybe or a podcast for that matter. And maybe or a podcast for that matter. And maybe you're like really listening well. you're like really listening well. you're like really listening well. You're taking notes and maybe you're You're taking notes and maybe you're You're taking notes and maybe you're even tested on it and you get an A+ but even tested on it and you get an A+ but even tested on it and you get an A+ but it doesn't mean you're curious, right? it doesn't mean you're curious, right? it doesn't mean you're curious, right? So you can be a great listener without So you can be a great listener without So you can be a great listener without actually being curious. To be curious is actually being curious. To be curious is actually being curious. To be curious is to be genuinely interested. And to be genuinely interested. And to be genuinely interested. And sometimes it's to be interested in the sometimes it's to be interested in the sometimes it's to be interested in the topic and sometimes it's to be topic and sometimes it's to be topic and sometimes it's to be interested in the person. So, let's say interested in the person. So, let's say interested in the person. So, let's say I'm really into basketball and you're I'm really into basketball and you're I'm really into basketball and you're talking about basketball. Like, I may talking about basketball. Like, I may talking about basketball. Like, I may not be interested in you at all as a not be interested in you at all as a not be interested in you at all as a person, but I'm curious about the topic. person, but I'm curious about the topic. person, but I'm curious about the topic. I think it's more powerful when you're I think it's more powerful when you're I think it's more powerful when you're really curious about the person. Again, really curious about the person. Again, really curious about the person. Again, kind of like you make a new friend or kind of like you make a new friend or kind of like you make a new friend or you're falling in love and then you're you're falling in love and then you're you're falling in love and then you're just sort of curious about anything just sort of curious about anything just sort of curious about anything about their life, right? And so, genuity about their life, right? And so, genuity about their life, right? And so, genuity when you just sort of want to know more when you just sort of want to know more when you just sort of want to know more and more and you're like in the moment, and more and you're like in the moment, and more and you're like in the moment, you're experiencing flow. You're not you're experiencing flow. You're not you're experiencing flow. You're not distracted. Those are kind of some of distracted. Those are kind of some of distracted. Those are kind of some of the symptoms of genuine radical the symptoms of genuine radical the symptoms of genuine radical curiosity. I love the basketball analogy curiosity. I love the basketball analogy curiosity. I love the basketball analogy because it fits with a piece of advice because it fits with a piece of advice because it fits with a piece of advice that you had in your book that I really that you had in your book that I really that you had in your book that I really enjoyed. This idea of focusing on the enjoyed. This idea of focusing on the enjoyed. This idea of focusing on the person rather than the topic, right? person rather than the topic, right? person rather than the topic, right? It's one thing to be like, "Oh, It's one thing to be like, "Oh, It's one thing to be like, "Oh, basketball sounds cool. Like, tell me basketball sounds cool. Like, tell me basketball sounds cool. Like, tell me about the scores or the core. I don't about the scores or the core. I don't about the scores or the core. I don't know. I'm not into basketball, so I know. I'm not into basketball, so I know. I'm not into basketball, so I don't [laughter] know that much about don't [laughter] know that much about don't [laughter] know that much about basketball, embarrassingly." But rather basketball, embarrassingly." But rather basketball, embarrassingly." But rather than do that, you don't even have to than do that, you don't even have to than do that, you don't even have to worry about not knowing about the topic worry about not knowing about the topic worry about not knowing about the topic because what you care about is the because what you care about is the because what you care about is the person. How did you get into basketball? person. How did you get into basketball? person. How did you get into basketball? How does basketball make you feel? How does basketball make you feel? How does basketball make you feel? you're kind of digging into the person you're kind of digging into the person you're kind of digging into the person rather than the topic, which is a rather than the topic, which is a rather than the topic, which is a powerful way to activate the social powerful way to activate the social powerful way to activate the social curiosity. And Sonia, I know that you've curiosity. And Sonia, I know that you've curiosity. And Sonia, I know that you've done some work on the benefits of done some work on the benefits of done some work on the benefits of curiosity. What have you found so far in curiosity. What have you found so far in curiosity. What have you found so far in your lab? your lab? your lab? >> Yeah, one of my students, Madison, did >> Yeah, one of my students, Madison, did >> Yeah, one of my students, Madison, did her what we call our second year her what we call our second year her what we call our second year project, kind of our master's thesis project, kind of our master's thesis project, kind of our master's thesis with the intervention on curiosity. She with the intervention on curiosity. She with the intervention on curiosity. She basically asked people over the course basically asked people over the course basically asked people over the course of a week to engage in some kind of of a week to engage in some kind of of a week to engage in some kind of curious behavior. So, we really enjoyed curious behavior. So, we really enjoyed curious behavior. So, we really enjoyed looking at the examples. These are looking at the examples. These are looking at the examples. These are undergraduates. So it was like, oh, I undergraduates. So it was like, oh, I undergraduates. So it was like, oh, I discovered this new kind of dance and I discovered this new kind of dance and I discovered this new kind of dance and I wanted to learn more about this sort of wanted to learn more about this sort of wanted to learn more about this sort of dance or my friend had a recipe. So I dance or my friend had a recipe. So I dance or my friend had a recipe. So I was learning about how to make this was learning about how to make this was learning about how to make this dish. It could be anything, right? And dish. It could be anything, right? And dish. It could be anything, right? And so we found that people who actively and so we found that people who actively and so we found that people who actively and intentionally tried to be more curious intentionally tried to be more curious intentionally tried to be more curious every day. They showed more positive every day. They showed more positive every day. They showed more positive emotions. They showed fewer negative emotions. They showed fewer negative emotions. They showed fewer negative emotions, greater well-being, greater emotions, greater well-being, greater emotions, greater well-being, greater sense of self-worth, interestingly, and sense of self-worth, interestingly, and sense of self-worth, interestingly, and greater sense of autonomy or control. greater sense of autonomy or control. greater sense of autonomy or control. And so it seems like curiosity has all And so it seems like curiosity has all And so it seems like curiosity has all these benefits both maybe to how we're these benefits both maybe to how we're these benefits both maybe to how we're feeling but also to the relationship and feeling but also to the relationship and feeling but also to the relationship and to helping other people feel loved. to helping other people feel loved. to helping other people feel loved. Harry, are there any best practices for Harry, are there any best practices for Harry, are there any best practices for kind of engaging your curiosity in kind of engaging your curiosity in kind of engaging your curiosity in conversation, making other people conversation, making other people conversation, making other people realize that you are in fact curious? realize that you are in fact curious? realize that you are in fact curious? >> Well, there's in fact a great irony to >> Well, there's in fact a great irony to >> Well, there's in fact a great irony to this idea. Think about how people go this idea. Think about how people go this idea. Think about how people go about weeding through the many people about weeding through the many people about weeding through the many people they see on online dating sites. Most they see on online dating sites. Most they see on online dating sites. Most people will have a checklist and they're people will have a checklist and they're people will have a checklist and they're typically looking for someone who shares typically looking for someone who shares typically looking for someone who shares their interests. In fact, there are many their interests. In fact, there are many their interests. In fact, there are many niche sites. You know, there's a site niche sites. You know, there's a site niche sites. You know, there's a site for mustache lovers, there's a site for for mustache lovers, there's a site for for mustache lovers, there's a site for farmers, there's a site for baseball farmers, there's a site for baseball farmers, there's a site for baseball fans. And so, you're looking for someone fans. And so, you're looking for someone fans. And so, you're looking for someone who matches the interest that you who matches the interest that you who matches the interest that you already have. But the idea of curiosity already have. But the idea of curiosity already have. But the idea of curiosity fits with an important theory we have in fits with an important theory we have in fits with an important theory we have in relationships called self-expansion relationships called self-expansion relationships called self-expansion theory, which is the idea that one of theory, which is the idea that one of theory, which is the idea that one of the reasons we form close relationships the reasons we form close relationships the reasons we form close relationships is to expand our sense of self. And that is to expand our sense of self. And that is to expand our sense of self. And that can mean learning new things. So, you can mean learning new things. So, you can mean learning new things. So, you know, I don't like opera very much, but know, I don't like opera very much, but know, I don't like opera very much, but if I were to pair up with someone who's if I were to pair up with someone who's if I were to pair up with someone who's into opera, if I was curious, I would into opera, if I was curious, I would into opera, if I was curious, I would say, "Wow, teach me about opera. let me say, "Wow, teach me about opera. let me say, "Wow, teach me about opera. let me learn about what's interesting about learn about what's interesting about learn about what's interesting about opera and you can expand yourself in opera and you can expand yourself in opera and you can expand yourself in those ways. So, one of the things that's those ways. So, one of the things that's those ways. So, one of the things that's really nice about the idea of curiosity really nice about the idea of curiosity really nice about the idea of curiosity and when Sonia talks about there being and when Sonia talks about there being and when Sonia talks about there being social curiosity and thing curiosity is social curiosity and thing curiosity is social curiosity and thing curiosity is sometimes those things are actually sometimes those things are actually sometimes those things are actually merged because you become interested in merged because you become interested in merged because you become interested in another person by being interested in another person by being interested in another person by being interested in what interests them. what interests them. what interests them. So far, we've covered three of the major So far, we've covered three of the major So far, we've covered three of the major mindsets Harry [music] and Sonia mindsets Harry [music] and Sonia mindsets Harry [music] and Sonia recommend for feeling more loved. recommend for feeling more loved. recommend for feeling more loved. Sharing, listening to learn, and radical Sharing, listening to learn, and radical Sharing, listening to learn, and radical curiosity. But we still have two more to curiosity. But we still have two more to curiosity. But we still have two more to explore, plus some guidance on what to explore, plus some guidance on what to explore, plus some guidance on what to do when [music] you've tried all these do when [music] you've tried all these do when [music] you've tried all these strategies and you still don't feel as strategies and you still don't feel as strategies and you still don't feel as loved as you'd hoped. We'll cover all loved as you'd hoped. We'll cover all loved as you'd hoped. We'll cover all that when the happiness lab returns from that when the happiness lab returns from that when the happiness lab returns from the break. the break. the break. [music] >> We're back with social psychologists >> We're back with social psychologists Sonia Lubberki and Harry Reese who are Sonia Lubberki and Harry Reese who are Sonia Lubberki and Harry Reese who are sharing the mindsets that research shows sharing the mindsets that research shows sharing the mindsets that research shows we need to embrace in order to feel we need to embrace in order to feel we need to embrace in order to feel loved. Number four mindset on their list loved. Number four mindset on their list loved. Number four mindset on their list is what Harry has called is what Harry has called is what Harry has called openheartedness. An openhearted mindset openheartedness. An openhearted mindset openheartedness. An openhearted mindset means being genuinely caring toward the means being genuinely caring toward the means being genuinely caring toward the other person. Certainly giving them the other person. Certainly giving them the other person. Certainly giving them the benefit of the doubt. Simply being as benefit of the doubt. Simply being as benefit of the doubt. Simply being as concerned as we can for their welfare, concerned as we can for their welfare, concerned as we can for their welfare, being kind, being generous, being being kind, being generous, being being kind, being generous, being altruistic. For example, when they tell altruistic. For example, when they tell altruistic. For example, when they tell you something that maybe sounds a little you something that maybe sounds a little you something that maybe sounds a little bit shady, have the most benign bit shady, have the most benign bit shady, have the most benign interpretation that you can. think of interpretation that you can. think of interpretation that you can. think of what they're doing in the most positive what they're doing in the most positive what they're doing in the most positive light. And you'll find that when you do light. And you'll find that when you do light. And you'll find that when you do that, the other person tends to respond that, the other person tends to respond that, the other person tends to respond much more positively rather than getting much more positively rather than getting much more positively rather than getting defensive and closed up from it. One of defensive and closed up from it. One of defensive and closed up from it. One of the things that we talk about in the the things that we talk about in the the things that we talk about in the book is the idea of a communal book is the idea of a communal book is the idea of a communal relationship, a relationship that's relationship, a relationship that's relationship, a relationship that's defined in terms of caring about the defined in terms of caring about the defined in terms of caring about the well-being of the other and expecting well-being of the other and expecting well-being of the other and expecting that they care about your well-being. that they care about your well-being. that they care about your well-being. Nearly all of our most satisfying Nearly all of our most satisfying Nearly all of our most satisfying relationships are communal relationships relationships are communal relationships relationships are communal relationships with our children, with our parents, with our children, with our parents, with our children, with our parents, with our romantic partners, with the with our romantic partners, with the with our romantic partners, with the people we would call a best friend. people we would call a best friend. people we would call a best friend. Those are the relationships that are Those are the relationships that are Those are the relationships that are most deeply meaningful to people. most deeply meaningful to people. most deeply meaningful to people. >> It probably seems obvious that being on >> It probably seems obvious that being on >> It probably seems obvious that being on the receiving end of an open heart the receiving end of an open heart the receiving end of an open heart mindset feels really good, right? People mindset feels really good, right? People mindset feels really good, right? People are caring about you, wanting you to be are caring about you, wanting you to be are caring about you, wanting you to be happy. But Sonia, some of your lovely happy. But Sonia, some of your lovely happy. But Sonia, some of your lovely work has shown the benefits of giving work has shown the benefits of giving work has shown the benefits of giving the open heart mindset, kind of the open heart mindset, kind of the open heart mindset, kind of extending kindness and compassion. What extending kindness and compassion. What extending kindness and compassion. What does the research show about the does the research show about the does the research show about the benefits of that? benefits of that? benefits of that? >> Yeah, it's one of the most powerful >> Yeah, it's one of the most powerful >> Yeah, it's one of the most powerful things you can do to to improve your own things you can do to to improve your own things you can do to to improve your own happiness is to show an open heart happiness is to show an open heart happiness is to show an open heart towards other people. Basically, if you towards other people. Basically, if you towards other people. Basically, if you want to be happy, try to make other want to be happy, try to make other want to be happy, try to make other people happy. And so, in our studies, people happy. And so, in our studies, people happy. And so, in our studies, for example, we ask people to do random for example, we ask people to do random for example, we ask people to do random acts of kindness for other people over acts of kindness for other people over acts of kindness for other people over the course of say four weeks a month the course of say four weeks a month the course of say four weeks a month usually. And then one of the most usually. And then one of the most usually. And then one of the most important comparison conditions is we important comparison conditions is we important comparison conditions is we ask people to do acts of kindness for ask people to do acts of kindness for ask people to do acts of kindness for themselves which is also nice which also themselves which is also nice which also themselves which is also nice which also is self-care or self-indulgent acts. It is self-care or self-indulgent acts. It is self-care or self-indulgent acts. It feels good to do something kind for feels good to do something kind for feels good to do something kind for yourself but that tends to be more yourself but that tends to be more yourself but that tends to be more fleeting right so you get yourself an fleeting right so you get yourself an fleeting right so you get yourself an ice cream you get a massage you take a ice cream you get a massage you take a ice cream you get a massage you take a nap. So it feels good in the moment nap. So it feels good in the moment nap. So it feels good in the moment doesn't necessarily carry over a month doesn't necessarily carry over a month doesn't necessarily carry over a month later. We actually have a study where we later. We actually have a study where we later. We actually have a study where we compared givers and receivers in a compared givers and receivers in a compared givers and receivers in a workplace where we asked some people to workplace where we asked some people to workplace where we asked some people to be the givers and others were the be the givers and others were the be the givers and others were the receivers. We literally found evidence receivers. We literally found evidence receivers. We literally found evidence to support that it's better to give than to support that it's better to give than to support that it's better to give than to receive. The receivers became kind of to receive. The receivers became kind of to receive. The receivers became kind of happier right away, but the givers happier right away, but the givers happier right away, but the givers actually experienced benefits, less actually experienced benefits, less actually experienced benefits, less stress, less depression, even greater stress, less depression, even greater stress, less depression, even greater well-being four months later, 16 weeks well-being four months later, 16 weeks well-being four months later, 16 weeks later. So, we find that people who do later. So, we find that people who do later. So, we find that people who do acts of kindness for others essentially acts of kindness for others essentially acts of kindness for others essentially who show an open heart mindset towards who show an open heart mindset towards who show an open heart mindset towards others become happier and also feel more others become happier and also feel more others become happier and also feel more connected in general. connected in general. connected in general. >> You also have some data showing that it >> You also have some data showing that it >> You also have some data showing that it makes people more successful too, right? makes people more successful too, right? makes people more successful too, right? We have a study with kids 9 to 11 year We have a study with kids 9 to 11 year We have a study with kids 9 to 11 year old kids where we asked the kids to do old kids where we asked the kids to do old kids where we asked the kids to do acts of kindness for others and we find acts of kindness for others and we find acts of kindness for others and we find that when they did acts of kindness for that when they did acts of kindness for that when they did acts of kindness for others generally in their family they others generally in their family they others generally in their family they came back to the classroom and they came back to the classroom and they came back to the classroom and they actually became more popular. So actually became more popular. So actually became more popular. So literally the other kids liked them more literally the other kids liked them more literally the other kids liked them more when they did acts of kindness at home. when they did acts of kindness at home. when they did acts of kindness at home. So something must have rubbed off on So something must have rubbed off on So something must have rubbed off on them. So when they came back to the them. So when they came back to the them. So when they came back to the classroom maybe they just seem more classroom maybe they just seem more classroom maybe they just seem more positive, more confident, maybe they positive, more confident, maybe they positive, more confident, maybe they were more helpful in the classroom as were more helpful in the classroom as were more helpful in the classroom as well. We also find genomic benefits to well. We also find genomic benefits to well. We also find genomic benefits to acts of kindness for others. people who acts of kindness for others. people who acts of kindness for others. people who do acts of kindness for others relative do acts of kindness for others relative do acts of kindness for others relative to for themselves they show changes in to for themselves they show changes in to for themselves they show changes in their RNA gene expression associated their RNA gene expression associated their RNA gene expression associated with a healthier immune profile. So sort with a healthier immune profile. So sort with a healthier immune profile. So sort of less pro-inflammatory gene expression of less pro-inflammatory gene expression of less pro-inflammatory gene expression in some studies greater antiviral gene in some studies greater antiviral gene in some studies greater antiviral gene expression. So these are all associated expression. So these are all associated expression. So these are all associated with better immune health. with better immune health. with better immune health. >> So we're feeling better, we're helping >> So we're feeling better, we're helping >> So we're feeling better, we're helping our immune systems when we're doing our immune systems when we're doing our immune systems when we're doing these nice things for other people. these nice things for other people. these nice things for other people. Another way that we can become Another way that we can become Another way that we can become open-hearted towards the people that we open-hearted towards the people that we open-hearted towards the people that we are trying to love better is to see them are trying to love better is to see them are trying to love better is to see them in all of their facets. And that gets to in all of their facets. And that gets to in all of their facets. And that gets to the final mindset that you've talked the final mindset that you've talked the final mindset that you've talked about as boosting our ability to love about as boosting our ability to love about as boosting our ability to love others. This idea of multiplicity. others. This idea of multiplicity. others. This idea of multiplicity. Harry, what's multiplicity? And why is Harry, what's multiplicity? And why is Harry, what's multiplicity? And why is it so important for making others feel it so important for making others feel it so important for making others feel loved? loved? loved? >> Well, multiplicity is the idea that we >> Well, multiplicity is the idea that we >> Well, multiplicity is the idea that we all have many selves, many parts to all have many selves, many parts to all have many selves, many parts to ourselves. Some of these parts are ourselves. Some of these parts are ourselves. Some of these parts are genuinely wonderful. you know, the genuinely wonderful. you know, the genuinely wonderful. you know, the positive traits we have and some of them positive traits we have and some of them positive traits we have and some of them are, shall we say, less terrific things are, shall we say, less terrific things are, shall we say, less terrific things that we've been embarrassed by, that we've been embarrassed by, that we've been embarrassed by, shortcomings, weaknesses, flaws in our shortcomings, weaknesses, flaws in our shortcomings, weaknesses, flaws in our character. We go to great pains to hide character. We go to great pains to hide character. We go to great pains to hide these. And one of the things that can these. And one of the things that can these. And one of the things that can really boost a relationship tremendously really boost a relationship tremendously really boost a relationship tremendously is the idea of acknowledging those flaws is the idea of acknowledging those flaws is the idea of acknowledging those flaws in another person and being accepting of in another person and being accepting of in another person and being accepting of them, even being loving towards them. them, even being loving towards them. them, even being loving towards them. One part of that is simply coming up One part of that is simply coming up One part of that is simply coming up with the most benign interpretation that with the most benign interpretation that with the most benign interpretation that you can for a shortcoming. But another you can for a shortcoming. But another you can for a shortcoming. But another way is simply to recognize well I don't way is simply to recognize well I don't way is simply to recognize well I don't like what you did but I recognize that like what you did but I recognize that like what you did but I recognize that there's many sides to you. So when we there's many sides to you. So when we there's many sides to you. So when we don't focus so much on the negative don't focus so much on the negative don't focus so much on the negative character attribution for a person's character attribution for a person's character attribution for a person's shortcomings and instead focus on well shortcomings and instead focus on well shortcomings and instead focus on well you may have done something that wasn't you may have done something that wasn't you may have done something that wasn't desirable but that's just one part of desirable but that's just one part of desirable but that's just one part of you and you've probably done many you and you've probably done many you and you've probably done many wonderful things in your life. Part of wonderful things in your life. Part of wonderful things in your life. Part of the importance of that is that allows the importance of that is that allows the importance of that is that allows the other to feel loved and accepted. the other to feel loved and accepted. the other to feel loved and accepted. But the other side of that is that if But the other side of that is that if But the other side of that is that if you start to adopt that idea towards you start to adopt that idea towards you start to adopt that idea towards yourself to have compassion for your own yourself to have compassion for your own yourself to have compassion for your own shortcomings and your own weaknesses, shortcomings and your own weaknesses, shortcomings and your own weaknesses, you make it that much more likely that you make it that much more likely that you make it that much more likely that you will feel loved. If you focus on bad you will feel loved. If you focus on bad you will feel loved. If you focus on bad things that you've done and you feel things that you've done and you feel things that you've done and you feel like those things rule out being happy, like those things rule out being happy, like those things rule out being happy, that they rule out anyone ever that they rule out anyone ever that they rule out anyone ever expressing love towards you, you make it expressing love towards you, you make it expressing love towards you, you make it impossible to feel loved. So impossible to feel loved. So impossible to feel loved. So acknowledging that humans have multiple acknowledging that humans have multiple acknowledging that humans have multiple sides and we've all done things that we sides and we've all done things that we sides and we've all done things that we wish we hadn't done will make it that wish we hadn't done will make it that wish we hadn't done will make it that much more likely that we can feel loved. much more likely that we can feel loved. much more likely that we can feel loved. >> And I want to add that it's so hard. >> And I want to add that it's so hard. >> And I want to add that it's so hard. >> I [laughter] think we are all kind of >> I [laughter] think we are all kind of >> I [laughter] think we are all kind of judgmental. Maybe sort of evolutionarily judgmental. Maybe sort of evolutionarily judgmental. Maybe sort of evolutionarily speaking that served us well to kind of speaking that served us well to kind of speaking that served us well to kind of you know when we see someone engage in a you know when we see someone engage in a you know when we see someone engage in a bad behavior that we maybe need to kind bad behavior that we maybe need to kind bad behavior that we maybe need to kind of be wary of that person. So it's of be wary of that person. So it's of be wary of that person. So it's really really hard. I actually had an really really hard. I actually had an really really hard. I actually had an experience recently where I was uh on experience recently where I was uh on experience recently where I was uh on Zoom meeting a new group of people and Zoom meeting a new group of people and Zoom meeting a new group of people and we had these prompts to answer and one we had these prompts to answer and one we had these prompts to answer and one of the prompts was name something that of the prompts was name something that of the prompts was name something that you have changed your mind about. My you have changed your mind about. My you have changed your mind about. My answer and I'm kind of regretting that I answer and I'm kind of regretting that I answer and I'm kind of regretting that I said this is that I have a friend who said this is that I have a friend who said this is that I have a friend who did a very bad thing and so I said that did a very bad thing and so I said that did a very bad thing and so I said that he did this very bad thing but I still he did this very bad thing but I still he did this very bad thing but I still his friend you know I sort of see him in his friend you know I sort of see him in his friend you know I sort of see him in this sort of very messy complexity. He this sort of very messy complexity. He this sort of very messy complexity. He made a mistake. He has lots of other made a mistake. He has lots of other made a mistake. He has lots of other good sides. And I have to tell you, I'm good sides. And I have to tell you, I'm good sides. And I have to tell you, I'm not going to say it on air, but I I said not going to say it on air, but I I said not going to say it on air, but I I said what he did and people just looked at me what he did and people just looked at me what he did and people just looked at me like, "Oh my god, I feel like they were like, "Oh my god, I feel like they were like, "Oh my god, I feel like they were judging me for not being judgmental judging me for not being judgmental judging me for not being judgmental enough." So anyway, that's kind of an enough." So anyway, that's kind of an enough." So anyway, that's kind of an extreme example, but I mean, think about extreme example, but I mean, think about extreme example, but I mean, think about like all of us at our lowest moment, like all of us at our lowest moment, like all of us at our lowest moment, right? If anyone saw us at our lowest right? If anyone saw us at our lowest right? If anyone saw us at our lowest moment, we'd be pretty ashamed. So, moment, we'd be pretty ashamed. So, moment, we'd be pretty ashamed. So, let's remember that. But again, I also let's remember that. But again, I also let's remember that. But again, I also wanted to sort of reiterate what Harry wanted to sort of reiterate what Harry wanted to sort of reiterate what Harry said about turning multiplicity mindset, said about turning multiplicity mindset, said about turning multiplicity mindset, also the open heart mindset onto also the open heart mindset onto also the open heart mindset onto ourselves and sort of having compassion ourselves and sort of having compassion ourselves and sort of having compassion for ourselves and having self-love for for ourselves and having self-love for for ourselves and having self-love for ourselves. It will help us feel loved in ourselves. It will help us feel loved in ourselves. It will help us feel loved in part because when you think about there part because when you think about there part because when you think about there are people who love us, imagine them are people who love us, imagine them are people who love us, imagine them sort of pouring love on us, but it's not sort of pouring love on us, but it's not sort of pouring love on us, but it's not getting in. And so it's like a cup of getting in. And so it's like a cup of getting in. And so it's like a cup of love and there's sort of a lid on it and love and there's sort of a lid on it and love and there's sort of a lid on it and sort of not getting in. And I I think of sort of not getting in. And I I think of sort of not getting in. And I I think of like self-love and self-compassion as a like self-love and self-compassion as a like self-love and self-compassion as a way to open that opening [laughter] at way to open that opening [laughter] at way to open that opening [laughter] at the top. When you really love yourself, the top. When you really love yourself, the top. When you really love yourself, people see that by the way. They sort of people see that by the way. They sort of people see that by the way. They sort of reflect that appraisal of yourself. And reflect that appraisal of yourself. And reflect that appraisal of yourself. And you also see their love as more you also see their love as more you also see their love as more authentic. If you have self- loveve for authentic. If you have self- loveve for authentic. If you have self- loveve for yourself, you're not suspicious of other yourself, you're not suspicious of other yourself, you're not suspicious of other people's kindness. So, but you see as people's kindness. So, but you see as people's kindness. So, but you see as authentic that person really does love authentic that person really does love authentic that person really does love me. You know, when they say that me. You know, when they say that me. You know, when they say that positive thing about me, when they give positive thing about me, when they give positive thing about me, when they give me that compliment, that's actually real me that compliment, that's actually real me that compliment, that's actually real and genuine. So yeah, you're sort of and genuine. So yeah, you're sort of and genuine. So yeah, you're sort of making that opening wider and easier to making that opening wider and easier to making that opening wider and easier to receive love from others and thus to receive love from others and thus to receive love from others and thus to feel loved by others. feel loved by others. feel loved by others. >> Any practical strategies for increasing >> Any practical strategies for increasing >> Any practical strategies for increasing your ability to see others? Is there your ability to see others? Is there your ability to see others? Is there multiple messy selves that can be loved multiple messy selves that can be loved multiple messy selves that can be loved anyway? anyway? anyway? >> Well, the most obvious one is no matter >> Well, the most obvious one is no matter >> Well, the most obvious one is no matter what you hear, make your first place to what you hear, make your first place to what you hear, make your first place to go to be seeing it in a non-judgmental go to be seeing it in a non-judgmental go to be seeing it in a non-judgmental way. I mean, we all have this tendency way. I mean, we all have this tendency way. I mean, we all have this tendency that Sonia was describing to respond that Sonia was describing to respond that Sonia was describing to respond emotionally, to respond judgmentally. emotionally, to respond judgmentally. emotionally, to respond judgmentally. Shortcircuit it. When you hear about Shortcircuit it. When you hear about Shortcircuit it. When you hear about something that someone did, make your something that someone did, make your something that someone did, make your first thought be why might they have first thought be why might they have first thought be why might they have done something that they didn't mean to done something that they didn't mean to done something that they didn't mean to do in that situation. do in that situation. do in that situation. >> And that fits with how all these >> And that fits with how all these >> And that fits with how all these mindsets go together, right? What you're mindsets go together, right? What you're mindsets go together, right? What you're describing in that case is if you're describing in that case is if you're describing in that case is if you're feeling judgmental, try to shut off the feeling judgmental, try to shut off the feeling judgmental, try to shut off the judgment and turn on a little bit of judgment and turn on a little bit of judgment and turn on a little bit of curiosity. And then you can listen to curiosity. And then you can listen to curiosity. And then you can listen to learn about why the person really did learn about why the person really did learn about why the person really did it. it. it. >> Exactly. Curiosity. Actually, curiosity >> Exactly. Curiosity. Actually, curiosity >> Exactly. Curiosity. Actually, curiosity is so useful. Imagine in the middle of a is so useful. Imagine in the middle of a is so useful. Imagine in the middle of a fight with your spouse. They're really fight with your spouse. They're really fight with your spouse. They're really angry and you stop yourself and you angry and you stop yourself and you angry and you stop yourself and you think, I'm so curious why they're so think, I'm so curious why they're so think, I'm so curious why they're so angry. Right. That is a powerful angry. Right. That is a powerful angry. Right. That is a powerful technique. But yeah, again, just like technique. But yeah, again, just like technique. But yeah, again, just like everything gets better with practice. I everything gets better with practice. I everything gets better with practice. I used to be, I think, a lot more used to be, I think, a lot more used to be, I think, a lot more judgmental. I'm sure I still am at judgmental. I'm sure I still am at judgmental. I'm sure I still am at times. But when I hear like a friend times. But when I hear like a friend times. But when I hear like a friend will say, "Can you believe what this guy will say, "Can you believe what this guy will say, "Can you believe what this guy blah blah blah did?" Now, more often blah blah blah did?" Now, more often blah blah blah did?" Now, more often than not, my first reaction is to think than not, my first reaction is to think than not, my first reaction is to think about like why that person did that about like why that person did that about like why that person did that thing and and often I imagine them as a thing and and often I imagine them as a thing and and often I imagine them as a young child. Actually, to see someone as young child. Actually, to see someone as young child. Actually, to see someone as a young child, it often is actually a young child, it often is actually a young child, it often is actually helpful to reduce that judgment. helpful to reduce that judgment. helpful to reduce that judgment. >> And of course that to just build on >> And of course that to just build on >> And of course that to just build on this, one of the things that's really this, one of the things that's really this, one of the things that's really important to not be judgmental about is important to not be judgmental about is important to not be judgmental about is being judgmental. Yeah. [laughter] being judgmental. Yeah. [laughter] being judgmental. Yeah. [laughter] >> So, if you give yourself permission to >> So, if you give yourself permission to >> So, if you give yourself permission to be judgmental and then back away from be judgmental and then back away from be judgmental and then back away from it, it, it, >> I I need to be self-compassionate about >> I I need to be self-compassionate about >> I I need to be self-compassionate about myself when I'm judgmental. Thank you. myself when I'm judgmental. Thank you. myself when I'm judgmental. Thank you. >> And so, all these mindsets are super >> And so, all these mindsets are super >> And so, all these mindsets are super helpful, but you end your book with, I helpful, but you end your book with, I helpful, but you end your book with, I think, one of the most important things think, one of the most important things think, one of the most important things that we need to do, which is that we that we need to do, which is that we that we need to do, which is that we need to start using them first, that we need to start using them first, that we need to start using them first, that we need to apply love to others first need to apply love to others first need to apply love to others first before we can get back the love to before we can get back the love to before we can get back the love to ourselves. ourselves. ourselves. >> Exactly. You go first. You listen and >> Exactly. You go first. You listen and >> Exactly. You go first. You listen and you show curiosity. You make the other you show curiosity. You make the other you show curiosity. You make the other person feel loved first. Your goal is to person feel loved first. Your goal is to person feel loved first. Your goal is to make the other person feel good, not to make the other person feel good, not to make the other person feel good, not to make yourself feel good. But the second make yourself feel good. But the second make yourself feel good. But the second thing I I just wanted to add a caveat thing I I just wanted to add a caveat thing I I just wanted to add a caveat that's really important is that once in that's really important is that once in that's really important is that once in a while or maybe even more than once in a while or maybe even more than once in a while or maybe even more than once in a while, you try everything and it a while, you try everything and it a while, you try everything and it doesn't work and the person still doesn't work and the person still doesn't work and the person still doesn't respond and they still don't doesn't respond and they still don't doesn't respond and they still don't share and they don't reciprocate. But share and they don't reciprocate. But share and they don't reciprocate. But reciprocity is a really powerful rule of reciprocity is a really powerful rule of reciprocity is a really powerful rule of social behavior. Very powerful. Usually social behavior. Very powerful. Usually social behavior. Very powerful. Usually it works, but once in a while it it works, but once in a while it it works, but once in a while it doesn't. And then if it doesn't, maybe doesn't. And then if it doesn't, maybe doesn't. And then if it doesn't, maybe that's a time to reconsider the that's a time to reconsider the that's a time to reconsider the relationship. maybe to pause, maybe to relationship. maybe to pause, maybe to relationship. maybe to pause, maybe to walk away, maybe to kind of accept it as walk away, maybe to kind of accept it as walk away, maybe to kind of accept it as it is. But I did want to sort of add it is. But I did want to sort of add it is. But I did want to sort of add that so that people understand that once that so that people understand that once that so that people understand that once in a while it's not going to work. in a while it's not going to work. in a while it's not going to work. >> Well, I would add to what Sonia said. >> Well, I would add to what Sonia said. >> Well, I would add to what Sonia said. This is not a five minute thing. This is not a five minute thing. This is not a five minute thing. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> It's not that you listen for five >> It's not that you listen for five >> It's not that you listen for five minutes and you say, "See, they're not minutes and you say, "See, they're not minutes and you say, "See, they're not responding to me. It's not working." responding to me. It's not working." responding to me. It's not working." Think of it as a long-term investment Think of it as a long-term investment Think of it as a long-term investment where you have to do it gradually. where you have to do it gradually. where you have to do it gradually. Sometimes, as Sonia says, other people Sometimes, as Sonia says, other people Sometimes, as Sonia says, other people will not respond to it. you can make it will not respond to it. you can make it will not respond to it. you can make it a topic of conversation to see if that a topic of conversation to see if that a topic of conversation to see if that might kickstart the process, but if that might kickstart the process, but if that might kickstart the process, but if that doesn't work and it continues, maybe doesn't work and it continues, maybe doesn't work and it continues, maybe it's time to look elsewhere. it's time to look elsewhere. it's time to look elsewhere. >> Any final pieces of advice for folks who >> Any final pieces of advice for folks who >> Any final pieces of advice for folks who want to feel loved a bit more? want to feel loved a bit more? want to feel loved a bit more? >> My final word is that if you want to >> My final word is that if you want to >> My final word is that if you want to feel more loved, you don't have to feel more loved, you don't have to feel more loved, you don't have to change yourself, you don't have to change yourself, you don't have to change yourself, you don't have to change the other person, you just have change the other person, you just have change the other person, you just have to change the conversation. So, it is to change the conversation. So, it is to change the conversation. So, it is absolutely in your control. I think absolutely in your control. I think absolutely in your control. I think that's a very, very powerful message. that's a very, very powerful message. that's a very, very powerful message. >> Love it, Harry. I would say that prior >> Love it, Harry. I would say that prior >> Love it, Harry. I would say that prior to doing this work, I was not a very to doing this work, I was not a very to doing this work, I was not a very good listener. And in particular, I was good listener. And in particular, I was good listener. And in particular, I was a pretty judgmental listener. And so, a pretty judgmental listener. And so, a pretty judgmental listener. And so, one of the things I've learned is to be one of the things I've learned is to be one of the things I've learned is to be much less judgmental and to be much more much less judgmental and to be much more much less judgmental and to be much more curious about the people I'm talking to. curious about the people I'm talking to. curious about the people I'm talking to. And you'd have to ask my wife if I've And you'd have to ask my wife if I've And you'd have to ask my wife if I've been successful at it. But it feels like been successful at it. But it feels like been successful at it. But it feels like it's made a big difference to me. it's made a big difference to me. it's made a big difference to me. >> Well, I have to say that reading the >> Well, I have to say that reading the >> Well, I have to say that reading the book has made a big difference to me. It book has made a big difference to me. It book has made a big difference to me. It really does change things. is it makes really does change things. is it makes really does change things. is it makes conversations more fun. It makes you conversations more fun. It makes you conversations more fun. It makes you feel like you matter more and you makes feel like you matter more and you makes feel like you matter more and you makes you feel like you belong more. So, thank you feel like you belong more. So, thank you feel like you belong more. So, thank [music] you so much for sharing all this [music] you so much for sharing all this [music] you so much for sharing all this work with everyone and with my listeners work with everyone and with my listeners work with everyone and with my listeners today. today. today. >> It's been delightful chatting with you, >> It's been delightful chatting with you, >> It's been delightful chatting with you, Lori. Lori. Lori. >> Yeah, it's been a pleasure, Lori. >> Yeah, it's been a pleasure, Lori. >> Yeah, it's been a pleasure, Lori. >> Even though it may not feel like it, >> Even though it may not feel like it, >> Even though it may not feel like it, [music] the science shows that feeling [music] the science shows that feeling [music] the science shows that feeling more loved is under your control. But we more loved is under your control. But we more loved is under your control. But we don't always know the best way to make don't always know the best way to make don't always know the best way to make that happen. So, if you're feeling a that happen. So, if you're feeling a that happen. So, if you're feeling a little underloved this Valentine season, little underloved this Valentine season, little underloved this Valentine season, why not try some of the strategies that why not try some of the strategies that why not try some of the strategies that Sonia and Harry talked about today? You Sonia and Harry talked about today? You Sonia and Harry talked about today? You could get just a tad more curious with a could get just a tad more curious with a could get just a tad more curious with a friend. Or commit to recognizing your friend. Or commit to recognizing your friend. Or commit to recognizing your partner's multiplicity a bit more partner's multiplicity a bit more partner's multiplicity a bit more authentically. Or why not try a quick authentically. Or why not try a quick authentically. Or why not try a quick act of kindness to boost your connection act of kindness to boost your connection act of kindness to boost your connection and your positive mood. [music] And if and your positive mood. [music] And if and your positive mood. [music] And if you want even more researchbacked advice you want even more researchbacked advice you want even more researchbacked advice about how to feel loved, check out Harry about how to feel loved, check out Harry about how to feel loved, check out Harry and Sonia's new book, How to Feel Loved: and Sonia's new book, How to Feel Loved: and Sonia's new book, How to Feel Loved: [music] The Five Mindsets That Get You [music] The Five Mindsets That Get You [music] The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most, which is out More of What Matters Most, which is out More of What Matters Most, which is out this week. If you have thoughts about this week. If you have thoughts about this week. If you have thoughts about today's episode or The Science of Love today's episode or The Science of Love today's episode or The Science of Love generally, we'd love to hear them. generally, we'd love to hear them. generally, we'd love to hear them. >> [music] >> [music] >> [music] >> You can email us at >> You can email us at >> You can email us at happinesslabpushkin.fm happinesslabpushkin.fm happinesslabpushkin.fm to tell us what you liked or ask a to tell us what you liked or ask a to tell us what you liked or ask a question. You can also sign up to learn question. You can also sign up to learn question. You can also sign up to learn more about the science of happiness and more about the science of happiness and more about the science of happiness and join [music] my free newsletter on my join [music] my free newsletter on my join [music] my free newsletter on my website drls santos.com. That's dr r l website drls santos.com. That's dr r l website drls santos.com. That's dr r l aur i santos.com. [music] aur i santos.com. [music] aur i santos.com. [music] Coming up on next week's episode of the Coming up on next week's episode of the Coming up on next week's episode of the happiness lab, we'll hear from a social happiness lab, we'll hear from a social happiness lab, we'll hear from a social scientist turned dating expert about the scientist turned dating expert about the scientist turned dating expert about the right way to find your soulmate right way to find your soulmate right way to find your soulmate according to the research. If you've according to the research. If you've according to the research. If you've tried [music] tried [music] tried [music] dating on apps and there's just this big dating on apps and there's just this big dating on apps and there's just this big effort reward gap that's happening effort reward gap that's happening effort reward gap that's happening [music] [music] [music] where you're swiping and swiping and where you're swiping and swiping and where you're swiping and swiping and swiping, you're messaging, you're rarely swiping, you're messaging, you're rarely swiping, you're messaging, you're rarely meeting up and it makes [music] sense meeting up and it makes [music] sense meeting up and it makes [music] sense that you're among the 78% of online that you're among the 78% of online that you're among the 78% of online daters who report experiencing burnout. daters who report experiencing burnout. daters who report experiencing burnout. >> That's the next installment in [music] >> That's the next installment in [music] >> That's the next installment in [music] our series on the science of love on the our series on the science of love on the our series on the science of love on the happiness lab with me, Dr. Lauri Santos.