Why Making REAL Friends As an Adult is So Hard (8 Powerful Ways To Make it Easier!)

Welcome back to OnPurpose. Today we're Welcome back to OnPurpose. Today we're talking about something that affects talking about something that affects talking about something that affects every single one of us. Friendship. As every single one of us. Friendship. As every single one of us. Friendship. As kids, making friends seemed effortless. kids, making friends seemed effortless. kids, making friends seemed effortless. But why does it feel so hard to make and But why does it feel so hard to make and But why does it feel so hard to make and maintain friendships as adults? I get maintain friendships as adults? I get maintain friendships as adults? I get it. Life gets busy. We move. We change. it. Life gets busy. We move. We change. it. Life gets busy. We move. We change. And suddenly finding people who truly And suddenly finding people who truly And suddenly finding people who truly get us feels like an almost impossible get us feels like an almost impossible get us feels like an almost impossible challenge. But the truth is, no matter challenge. But the truth is, no matter challenge. But the truth is, no matter how busy or how independent we are, we how busy or how independent we are, we how busy or how independent we are, we all need connection. We need people who all need connection. We need people who all need connection. We need people who challenge us, support us, and remind us challenge us, support us, and remind us challenge us, support us, and remind us that we're not alone. So, in this that we're not alone. So, in this that we're not alone. So, in this special episode, I've gathered insights special episode, I've gathered insights special episode, I've gathered insights from some of the best minds out there to from some of the best minds out there to from some of the best minds out there to help you build meaningful friendships, help you build meaningful friendships, help you build meaningful friendships, strengthen your connections, and create strengthen your connections, and create strengthen your connections, and create a support system that truly lasts. a support system that truly lasts. a support system that truly lasts. Because the right relationships can Because the right relationships can Because the right relationships can change your life. and I believe everyone change your life. and I believe everyone change your life. and I believe everyone deserves to have those. Let's start with deserves to have those. Let's start with deserves to have those. Let's start with a challenge so many of us face but a challenge so many of us face but a challenge so many of us face but rarely talk about. Why is it so hard to rarely talk about. Why is it so hard to rarely talk about. Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? When we're make friends as an adult? When we're make friends as an adult? When we're younger, we see the same people every younger, we see the same people every younger, we see the same people every day. We share experiences and we grow day. We share experiences and we grow day. We share experiences and we grow together. But as we get older, life together. But as we get older, life together. But as we get older, life pulls us in different directions. And pulls us in different directions. And pulls us in different directions. And suddenly, finding and keeping close suddenly, finding and keeping close suddenly, finding and keeping close friends feels like an uphill battle. To friends feels like an uphill battle. To friends feels like an uphill battle. To help us break it down, we have Mel help us break it down, we have Mel help us break it down, we have Mel Robbins, bestselling author, speaker, Robbins, bestselling author, speaker, Robbins, bestselling author, speaker, and expert on human behavior. She's here and expert on human behavior. She's here and expert on human behavior. She's here to help us understand why adult to help us understand why adult to help us understand why adult friendships feel so different, why friendships feel so different, why friendships feel so different, why connection matters more than ever, and connection matters more than ever, and connection matters more than ever, and how we can take control of building how we can take control of building how we can take control of building meaningful relationships. Let's dive in. meaningful relationships. Let's dive in. meaningful relationships. Let's dive in. Mel, why is it so hard to make friends Mel, why is it so hard to make friends Mel, why is it so hard to make friends as we get older? There is a massive as we get older? There is a massive as we get older? There is a massive shift that happens in adult friendship shift that happens in adult friendship shift that happens in adult friendship when you hit 20 that nobody sees coming. when you hit 20 that nobody sees coming. when you hit 20 that nobody sees coming. The rules of friendship completely The rules of friendship completely The rules of friendship completely change when your 20's hit. And I'm going change when your 20's hit. And I'm going change when your 20's hit. And I'm going to explain the rules when you're little to explain the rules when you're little to explain the rules when you're little and then we're going to talk about the and then we're going to talk about the and then we're going to talk about the rules of adult friendship. So when rules of adult friendship. So when rules of adult friendship. So when you're little, your entire life is you're little, your entire life is you're little, your entire life is organized around friendship and making organized around friendship and making organized around friendship and making it possible because you're with people it possible because you're with people it possible because you're with people your age all the time in class, in your age all the time in class, in your age all the time in class, in sports. sports. sports. >> So true. You move in groups because >> So true. You move in groups because >> So true. You move in groups because you're on teams and you're in you're on teams and you're in you're on teams and you're in neighborhoods and you're always neighborhoods and you're always neighborhoods and you're always together. You also celebrate the same together. You also celebrate the same together. You also celebrate the same milestones. You're hitting the same milestones. You're hitting the same milestones. You're hitting the same birthdays. You're all talking about the birthdays. You're all talking about the birthdays. You're all talking about the next level of school or the this thing next level of school or the this thing next level of school or the this thing this summer. You're watching the same this summer. You're watching the same this summer. You're watching the same movies cuz you're all the same age. And movies cuz you're all the same age. And movies cuz you're all the same age. And so there's so much synergy and so there's so much synergy and so there's so much synergy and relevance. And the conditions to spend a relevance. And the conditions to spend a relevance. And the conditions to spend a ton of time together are there. Then you ton of time together are there. Then you ton of time together are there. Then you get to university and you spend even get to university and you spend even get to university and you spend even more time together. And what happens more time together. And what happens more time together. And what happens when you hit your 20s, right, is that it when you hit your 20s, right, is that it when you hit your 20s, right, is that it moves from this big group sport where moves from this big group sport where moves from this big group sport where you just kind of expect to be around you just kind of expect to be around you just kind of expect to be around your friends all the time. You expect your friends all the time. You expect your friends all the time. You expect the group to get invited because that's the group to get invited because that's the group to get invited because that's what's always happened. You expect to what's always happened. You expect to what's always happened. You expect to see them all the time cuz you do always see them all the time cuz you do always see them all the time cuz you do always see them all the time. But then your 20s see them all the time. But then your 20s see them all the time. But then your 20s hit, the rules change and what I call hit, the rules change and what I call hit, the rules change and what I call the great scattering happens. Everybody the great scattering happens. Everybody the great scattering happens. Everybody moves in different directions and moves in different directions and moves in different directions and friendship goes from group sport to friendship goes from group sport to friendship goes from group sport to individual sport. You can no longer individual sport. You can no longer individual sport. You can no longer expect friendship. expect friendship. expect friendship. You are no longer part of a group that You are no longer part of a group that You are no longer part of a group that is expected to be invited everywhere is expected to be invited everywhere is expected to be invited everywhere because everybody scatters. And suddenly because everybody scatters. And suddenly because everybody scatters. And suddenly everybody's on different timelines. everybody's on different timelines. everybody's on different timelines. You're in different cities. You're You're in different cities. You're You're in different cities. You're moving in different directions. So moving in different directions. So moving in different directions. So there's no way to locate yourself inside there's no way to locate yourself inside there's no way to locate yourself inside your friend group. And the only thing your friend group. And the only thing your friend group. And the only thing that's keeping you together from your that's keeping you together from your that's keeping you together from your friends from you were little is a text friends from you were little is a text friends from you were little is a text chain that starts to go quieter and chain that starts to go quieter and chain that starts to go quieter and quieter and quieter as people start to quieter and quieter as people start to quieter and quieter as people start to focus on the people in front of them. focus on the people in front of them. focus on the people in front of them. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. >> And that brings me to two major shifts >> And that brings me to two major shifts >> And that brings me to two major shifts that I want you to embrace using the let that I want you to embrace using the let that I want you to embrace using the let them theory. Number one, you can no them theory. Number one, you can no them theory. Number one, you can no longer expect friendship. You have to longer expect friendship. You have to longer expect friendship. You have to take a way more flexible approach and a take a way more flexible approach and a take a way more flexible approach and a more proactive approach. You got to let more proactive approach. You got to let more proactive approach. You got to let people come and go. people come and go. people come and go. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Super important. And then you got to let >> Super important. And then you got to let >> Super important. And then you got to let me take the actions to create the me take the actions to create the me take the actions to create the friendships. I got to go first. I got to friendships. I got to go first. I got to friendships. I got to go first. I got to be the one planning. I got to seek out be the one planning. I got to seek out be the one planning. I got to seek out new people. But there are three pillars new people. But there are three pillars new people. But there are three pillars of adult friendship based on research of adult friendship based on research of adult friendship based on research that are also going to help you that are also going to help you that are also going to help you understand that when people come and go understand that when people come and go understand that when people come and go in your life, 99% of the time it's not in your life, 99% of the time it's not in your life, 99% of the time it's not personal and you actually haven't lost personal and you actually haven't lost personal and you actually haven't lost them as a friend. them as a friend. them as a friend. >> One of the three pillars is missing. So >> One of the three pillars is missing. So >> One of the three pillars is missing. So the three things that need to be the three things that need to be the three things that need to be required to have a friendship happen are required to have a friendship happen are required to have a friendship happen are the same three things that were around the same three things that were around the same three things that were around all the time when you were a kid. Number all the time when you were a kid. Number all the time when you were a kid. Number one, proximity. Proximity matters one, proximity. Proximity matters one, proximity. Proximity matters tremendously. Proximity means who are tremendously. Proximity means who are tremendously. Proximity means who are you actually physically next to? In you actually physically next to? In you actually physically next to? In fact, they've done research. Jay, if you fact, they've done research. Jay, if you fact, they've done research. Jay, if you and I were in a dorm and we lived across and I were in a dorm and we lived across and I were in a dorm and we lived across the hall, I don't I don't remember the the hall, I don't I don't remember the the hall, I don't I don't remember the percentages exactly, but it's like 90% percentages exactly, but it's like 90% percentages exactly, but it's like 90% chance we're going to be friends. chance we're going to be friends. chance we're going to be friends. >> Interesting. >> Interesting. >> Interesting. >> The poor person at the end of the >> The poor person at the end of the >> The poor person at the end of the hallway, 10% chance that we're going to hallway, 10% chance that we're going to hallway, 10% chance that we're going to be friends with them because of be friends with them because of be friends with them because of proximity. Even a matter of 50 ft makes proximity. Even a matter of 50 ft makes proximity. Even a matter of 50 ft makes a difference. And so when you were a difference. And so when you were a difference. And so when you were little, you were in proximity to people little, you were in proximity to people little, you were in proximity to people your age all the time, your age all the time, your age all the time, >> all day. >> all day. >> all day. >> Exactly. The research also shows that to >> Exactly. The research also shows that to >> Exactly. The research also shows that to have as an adult a kind of casual have as an adult a kind of casual have as an adult a kind of casual friend, you need to spend approximately friend, you need to spend approximately friend, you need to spend approximately 70 hours with somebody. 70 hours with somebody. 70 hours with somebody. >> To have a close friend, 200 hours. >> To have a close friend, 200 hours. >> To have a close friend, 200 hours. >> So when you're an adult, that creates a >> So when you're an adult, that creates a >> So when you're an adult, that creates a big problem because who are you spending big problem because who are you spending big problem because who are you spending all your time with once you're 20? The all your time with once you're 20? The all your time with once you're 20? The American Time Study shows that it's with American Time Study shows that it's with American Time Study shows that it's with people you work with. So why aren't we people you work with. So why aren't we people you work with. So why aren't we best friends with people at work? best friends with people at work? best friends with people at work? Because you have proximity and you're Because you have proximity and you're Because you have proximity and you're spending a lot of time together. But spending a lot of time together. But spending a lot of time together. But here's the thing, timing. M here's the thing, timing. M here's the thing, timing. M >> when you were little, you were in the >> when you were little, you were in the >> when you were little, you were in the same timing of life with everybody. same timing of life with everybody. same timing of life with everybody. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> When you hit your 20s and it's now >> When you hit your 20s and it's now >> When you hit your 20s and it's now individual, individual, individual, everybody's on different timelines. Some everybody's on different timelines. Some everybody's on different timelines. Some of your friends are getting married, of your friends are getting married, of your friends are getting married, some are going to graduate school, some some are going to graduate school, some some are going to graduate school, some are now pursuing jobs. Other people are are now pursuing jobs. Other people are are now pursuing jobs. Other people are moving out of the city into the city. moving out of the city into the city. moving out of the city into the city. Everybody's timing is now different. And Everybody's timing is now different. And Everybody's timing is now different. And this also explains why you're almost this also explains why you're almost this also explains why you're almost never best friends with people at work never best friends with people at work never best friends with people at work because the timing is off. You're because the timing is off. You're because the timing is off. You're sitting next to people that are in very sitting next to people that are in very sitting next to people that are in very different times of their life. You may different times of their life. You may different times of their life. You may like them a lot and you may be friends, like them a lot and you may be friends, like them a lot and you may be friends, but you never spend time outside of work but you never spend time outside of work but you never spend time outside of work because they're at home with their because they're at home with their because they're at home with their family and you're going out with your family and you're going out with your family and you're going out with your buddies your age on the weekends. And buddies your age on the weekends. And buddies your age on the weekends. And then that brings me to the third thing then that brings me to the third thing then that brings me to the third thing that needs to be present for a that needs to be present for a that needs to be present for a friendship to truly click and that's friendship to truly click and that's friendship to truly click and that's energy. energy. energy. >> And the thing about energy is it >> And the thing about energy is it >> And the thing about energy is it changes. changes. changes. And you can have fantastic energy with And you can have fantastic energy with And you can have fantastic energy with somebody and then if you decide you're somebody and then if you decide you're somebody and then if you decide you're not drinking anymore, the energyy's off. not drinking anymore, the energyy's off. not drinking anymore, the energyy's off. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> If you decide to get really focused on >> If you decide to get really focused on >> If you decide to get really focused on fitness, the energyy's off. If you have fitness, the energyy's off. If you have fitness, the energyy's off. If you have very different political beliefs, the very different political beliefs, the very different political beliefs, the energyy's off. It's not personal. energyy's off. It's not personal. energyy's off. It's not personal. >> It's one of these three pillars. And it >> It's one of these three pillars. And it >> It's one of these three pillars. And it has helped me so profoundly, Jay, to has helped me so profoundly, Jay, to has helped me so profoundly, Jay, to realize that people come and go, and realize that people come and go, and realize that people come and go, and it's a beautiful thing. And you should it's a beautiful thing. And you should it's a beautiful thing. And you should let them let them let them >> and you should really, if you have a >> and you should really, if you have a >> and you should really, if you have a friendship that starts to dissipate, friendship that starts to dissipate, friendship that starts to dissipate, right? right? right? Ask yourself before you blame them or Ask yourself before you blame them or Ask yourself before you blame them or you blame you. Are any one of these you blame you. Are any one of these you blame you. Are any one of these three pillars three pillars three pillars missing? missing? missing? Are we not near each other anymore? Are we not near each other anymore? Are we not near each other anymore? Is the timing of our lives off? Is there Is the timing of our lives off? Is there Is the timing of our lives off? Is there just something about the energy that just something about the energy that just something about the energy that hasn't clicked? Because you can't force hasn't clicked? Because you can't force hasn't clicked? Because you can't force those things. But what I found is that those things. But what I found is that those things. But what I found is that when you recognize that those are really when you recognize that those are really when you recognize that those are really important factors to your connection to important factors to your connection to important factors to your connection to someone else that if a friendship starts someone else that if a friendship starts someone else that if a friendship starts to fade for me, it's so easy to say let to fade for me, it's so easy to say let to fade for me, it's so easy to say let them. And I don't wish anybody bad. I them. And I don't wish anybody bad. I them. And I don't wish anybody bad. I literally wish people well because the literally wish people well because the literally wish people well because the other thing that I've learned and you other thing that I've learned and you other thing that I've learned and you know being 56 I've had a lot of friends know being 56 I've had a lot of friends know being 56 I've had a lot of friends come and go in different phases of my come and go in different phases of my come and go in different phases of my life that you would be startled by how life that you would be startled by how life that you would be startled by how many people from your past that you no many people from your past that you no many people from your past that you no longer quote consider friends cuz you longer quote consider friends cuz you longer quote consider friends cuz you haven't seen them in a very long time or haven't seen them in a very long time or haven't seen them in a very long time or things just got weird if you actually things just got weird if you actually things just got weird if you actually called them they'd pick up the phone. called them they'd pick up the phone. called them they'd pick up the phone. >> They would. if you texted them. The >> They would. if you texted them. The >> They would. if you texted them. The research shows that when you get a research shows that when you get a research shows that when you get a surprise text from somebody that you surprise text from somebody that you surprise text from somebody that you haven't heard from in a long time, the haven't heard from in a long time, the haven't heard from in a long time, the amount of joy that you feel. And so, I amount of joy that you feel. And so, I amount of joy that you feel. And so, I want you to consider if you're very want you to consider if you're very want you to consider if you're very lonely right now, that there's actually lonely right now, that there's actually lonely right now, that there's actually probably hundreds of people from your probably hundreds of people from your probably hundreds of people from your past that still consider you a friend. past that still consider you a friend. past that still consider you a friend. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> And if you take the approach that I'm >> And if you take the approach that I'm >> And if you take the approach that I'm talking about, which is friendship is talking about, which is friendship is talking about, which is friendship is your responsibility. You need to go your responsibility. You need to go your responsibility. You need to go first. Let me create the friendship and first. Let me create the friendship and first. Let me create the friendship and the connection that I want. And you can the connection that I want. And you can the connection that I want. And you can start by literally start by literally start by literally taking a look through your past and taking a look through your past and taking a look through your past and thinking about people that you remember thinking about people that you remember thinking about people that you remember fondly and just sending them a text fondly and just sending them a text fondly and just sending them a text >> and you will be startled by what comes >> and you will be startled by what comes >> and you will be startled by what comes back back back >> because they're there. They haven't >> because they're there. They haven't >> because they're there. They haven't actually gone anywhere. The connection actually gone anywhere. The connection actually gone anywhere. The connection is still there. And often times, even if is still there. And often times, even if is still there. And often times, even if you've had somebody where something's you've had somebody where something's you've had somebody where something's been off, again, let them been off, again, let them been off, again, let them >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> and wish them well. And there will be a >> and wish them well. And there will be a >> and wish them well. And there will be a time, I promise you, where the timing or time, I promise you, where the timing or time, I promise you, where the timing or proximity or energy comes back around proximity or energy comes back around proximity or energy comes back around again. again. again. >> Yeah. And often, you're so right when >> Yeah. And often, you're so right when >> Yeah. And often, you're so right when when I'm, as I'm listening to you talk, when I'm, as I'm listening to you talk, when I'm, as I'm listening to you talk, I'm just thinking of how conscious we I'm just thinking of how conscious we I'm just thinking of how conscious we have to be with all of our have to be with all of our have to be with all of our relationships, the ones that matter to relationships, the ones that matter to relationships, the ones that matter to us, the ones that we want to invest in. us, the ones that we want to invest in. us, the ones that we want to invest in. >> And it's what you said. There was we >> And it's what you said. There was we >> And it's what you said. There was we were actually were actually were actually dealt such a tough card in the fact that dealt such a tough card in the fact that dealt such a tough card in the fact that basically from the moment you joined basically from the moment you joined basically from the moment you joined school at 4 till the moment you were 21 school at 4 till the moment you were 21 school at 4 till the moment you were 21 if you went to college, you basically if you went to college, you basically if you went to college, you basically didn't have to make really any major didn't have to make really any major didn't have to make really any major decisions or think about the next step decisions or think about the next step decisions or think about the next step because you went from seventh grade to because you went from seventh grade to because you went from seventh grade to 8th grade to 9th grade to whatever it 8th grade to 9th grade to whatever it 8th grade to 9th grade to whatever it is, is, is, >> right? >> right? >> right? >> And so then all of a sudden you're in >> And so then all of a sudden you're in >> And so then all of a sudden you're in the world at 21. Yeah. the world at 21. Yeah. the world at 21. Yeah. >> Or 18 if you didn't go to college and >> Or 18 if you didn't go to college and >> Or 18 if you didn't go to college and you all of a sudden now have to figure you all of a sudden now have to figure you all of a sudden now have to figure out what to do for the next 50, 60 out what to do for the next 50, 60 out what to do for the next 50, 60 years. years. years. >> All structure of your life just >> All structure of your life just >> All structure of your life just evaporates. evaporates. evaporates. >> Just disappears because there is no >> Just disappears because there is no >> Just disappears because there is no structure. And it makes no sense. structure. And it makes no sense. structure. And it makes no sense. >> And as I'm hearing you talk, it sounds >> And as I'm hearing you talk, it sounds >> And as I'm hearing you talk, it sounds like to me that it would have been like to me that it would have been like to me that it would have been harder to watch your daughter have to harder to watch your daughter have to harder to watch your daughter have to practice the let them theory than it is practice the let them theory than it is practice the let them theory than it is for you to practice the let them theory. for you to practice the let them theory. for you to practice the let them theory. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> When she was going through her breakup. >> When she was going through her breakup. >> When she was going through her breakup. When it comes to building meaningful When it comes to building meaningful When it comes to building meaningful relationships, we often put too much relationships, we often put too much relationships, we often put too much pressure on one person to fulfill all of pressure on one person to fulfill all of pressure on one person to fulfill all of our emotional needs. But the reality is our emotional needs. But the reality is our emotional needs. But the reality is different relationships fulfill different relationships fulfill different relationships fulfill different needs. Some friendships may different needs. Some friendships may different needs. Some friendships may bring adventure, others offer comfort, bring adventure, others offer comfort, bring adventure, others offer comfort, and some are simply there to listen. and some are simply there to listen. and some are simply there to listen. When we start seeing our relationships When we start seeing our relationships When we start seeing our relationships this way, we open ourselves up to a this way, we open ourselves up to a this way, we open ourselves up to a deeper, more fulfilling sense of deeper, more fulfilling sense of deeper, more fulfilling sense of connection. one where we can appreciate connection. one where we can appreciate connection. one where we can appreciate each friendship for the unique role it each friendship for the unique role it each friendship for the unique role it plays in our lives. To help us explore plays in our lives. To help us explore plays in our lives. To help us explore this idea further, we have Andrew this idea further, we have Andrew this idea further, we have Andrew Huberman, neuroscientist and professor Huberman, neuroscientist and professor Huberman, neuroscientist and professor at Stamford University. He's dedicated at Stamford University. He's dedicated at Stamford University. He's dedicated his career to understanding human his career to understanding human his career to understanding human behavior, brain function, and the behavior, brain function, and the behavior, brain function, and the science behind connection. Let's hear science behind connection. Let's hear science behind connection. Let's hear his insights on how small intentional his insights on how small intentional his insights on how small intentional habits can help us build stronger, more habits can help us build stronger, more habits can help us build stronger, more fulfilling friendships. The second thing fulfilling friendships. The second thing fulfilling friendships. The second thing you that I was reminded by as you were you that I was reminded by as you were you that I was reminded by as you were speaking was I feel like writing down I speaking was I feel like writing down I speaking was I feel like writing down I always encourage a lot of my clients to always encourage a lot of my clients to always encourage a lot of my clients to do this to write down a list of emotions do this to write down a list of emotions do this to write down a list of emotions they'd like to experience with people. they'd like to experience with people. they'd like to experience with people. So it could be things like adventure, So it could be things like adventure, So it could be things like adventure, discovery, discovery, discovery, comfort, humor, love, whatever it may comfort, humor, love, whatever it may comfort, humor, love, whatever it may be. Just write down a list and then for be. Just write down a list and then for be. Just write down a list and then for each one write down the name of a each one write down the name of a each one write down the name of a different person ideally that fulfills different person ideally that fulfills different person ideally that fulfills that need in your life. Because often I that need in your life. Because often I that need in your life. Because often I feel like we put a lot of pressure on feel like we put a lot of pressure on feel like we put a lot of pressure on our romantic partners or one person in our romantic partners or one person in our romantic partners or one person in our life to be all these things. And the our life to be all these things. And the our life to be all these things. And the truth is no matter how phenomenal anyone truth is no matter how phenomenal anyone truth is no matter how phenomenal anyone is or how much they love us, they just is or how much they love us, they just is or how much they love us, they just can't be that. And so if you have, hey, can't be that. And so if you have, hey, can't be that. And so if you have, hey, I reach out to this friend when I want I reach out to this friend when I want I reach out to this friend when I want some adventure because they love it too. some adventure because they love it too. some adventure because they love it too. If I want to see a sports game, this is If I want to see a sports game, this is If I want to see a sports game, this is the person I reach out to. and then do the person I reach out to. and then do the person I reach out to. and then do the same in the opposite way. Which one the same in the opposite way. Which one the same in the opposite way. Which one of those do you fulfill for your of those do you fulfill for your of those do you fulfill for your friends? What emotions do you help other friends? What emotions do you help other friends? What emotions do you help other people create? And I feel like if you people create? And I feel like if you people create? And I feel like if you look at friendship as a spectrum, as look at friendship as a spectrum, as look at friendship as a spectrum, as this broad this broad this broad set of connection points rather than set of connection points rather than set of connection points rather than like this is my best friend as you were like this is my best friend as you were like this is my best friend as you were saying or this is my number one friend saying or this is my number one friend saying or this is my number one friend and we get away from hierarchy and we and we get away from hierarchy and we and we get away from hierarchy and we move more into a spectrum. I feel like move more into a spectrum. I feel like move more into a spectrum. I feel like that mixed in with the text a day starts that mixed in with the text a day starts that mixed in with the text a day starts creating a much more healthier network creating a much more healthier network creating a much more healthier network of what connection means as well. It's of what connection means as well. It's of what connection means as well. It's also not just the same person doing the also not just the same person doing the also not just the same person doing the same thing every week. same thing every week. same thing every week. >> Yeah, I love the uh the idea that by >> Yeah, I love the uh the idea that by >> Yeah, I love the uh the idea that by staying in contact regularly, we don't staying in contact regularly, we don't staying in contact regularly, we don't have to get caught up and that then we have to get caught up and that then we have to get caught up and that then we can just drop into what's most can just drop into what's most can just drop into what's most meaningful on that particular day and meaningful on that particular day and meaningful on that particular day and maybe even have more available to us to maybe even have more available to us to maybe even have more available to us to have a new experience. have a new experience. have a new experience. >> Mhm. right? As opposed to just catching >> Mhm. right? As opposed to just catching >> Mhm. right? As opposed to just catching up. And then of course there are those up. And then of course there are those up. And then of course there are those friends that we catch up with and it friends that we catch up with and it friends that we catch up with and it feels like it was just yesterday. feels like it was just yesterday. feels like it was just yesterday. >> Definitely. >> Definitely. >> Definitely. >> But I'd be willing to bet that those >> But I'd be willing to bet that those >> But I'd be willing to bet that those were people that you spent a lot of were people that you spent a lot of were people that you spent a lot of day-to-day time activity with. You knew day-to-day time activity with. You knew day-to-day time activity with. You knew them from university or you you spent a them from university or you you spent a them from university or you you spent a lot of time just in the kind of everyday lot of time just in the kind of everyday lot of time just in the kind of everyday shared experience for a while and then shared experience for a while and then shared experience for a while and then when you see each other again, it's like when you see each other again, it's like when you see each other again, it's like being right back there. The neuroscience being right back there. The neuroscience being right back there. The neuroscience of this hasn't been explored nearly of this hasn't been explored nearly of this hasn't been explored nearly enough. But given that our very own enough. But given that our very own enough. But given that our very own surgeon general highlighted the surgeon general highlighted the surgeon general highlighted the loneliness crisis as one of the major loneliness crisis as one of the major loneliness crisis as one of the major crises in the world today, I think that crises in the world today, I think that crises in the world today, I think that in terms of simple solutions to big in terms of simple solutions to big in terms of simple solutions to big >> important problems, >> important problems, >> important problems, developing more connectivity with people developing more connectivity with people developing more connectivity with people through simple practices and again we're through simple practices and again we're through simple practices and again we're talking about a text here. I mean, I talking about a text here. I mean, I talking about a text here. I mean, I will be the first to say that if you can will be the first to say that if you can will be the first to say that if you can hop on a phone call or you can get on a, hop on a phone call or you can get on a, hop on a phone call or you can get on a, you know, a video chat with somebody, you know, a video chat with somebody, you know, a video chat with somebody, that would certainly be better, but many that would certainly be better, but many that would certainly be better, but many people just don't have time for that. people just don't have time for that. people just don't have time for that. >> So, >> So, >> So, >> in terms of spending time with people in >> in terms of spending time with people in >> in terms of spending time with people in in a deeper and richer way, you know, in a deeper and richer way, you know, in a deeper and richer way, you know, get getting the the drop in time as it get getting the the drop in time as it get getting the the drop in time as it were, I love that you mentioned were, I love that you mentioned were, I love that you mentioned adventure. I'm almost 49. I turned 49 in adventure. I'm almost 49. I turned 49 in adventure. I'm almost 49. I turned 49 in just over a month. And um I would say just over a month. And um I would say just over a month. And um I would say that the first 49 years of my life have that the first 49 years of my life have that the first 49 years of my life have been marked by a real thirst for been marked by a real thirst for been marked by a real thirst for adventure, a ton of curiosity. Now I adventure, a ton of curiosity. Now I adventure, a ton of curiosity. Now I really feel myself entering a completely really feel myself entering a completely really feel myself entering a completely different season of my life. I'm sort of different season of my life. I'm sort of different season of my life. I'm sort of hoping this would eventually happen. Um hoping this would eventually happen. Um hoping this would eventually happen. Um in part because um you know, I took some in part because um you know, I took some in part because um you know, I took some some kind of dangerous turns. You know, some kind of dangerous turns. You know, some kind of dangerous turns. You know, I took risks with my with my life at I took risks with my with my life at I took risks with my with my life at points where I didn't really intend to points where I didn't really intend to points where I didn't really intend to do that. But you know, you seek enough do that. But you know, you seek enough do that. But you know, you seek enough adventure, you're going to you're going adventure, you're going to you're going adventure, you're going to you're going to find adventure and you have to be to find adventure and you have to be to find adventure and you have to be quite careful. I have friends with whom quite careful. I have friends with whom quite careful. I have friends with whom I had tons of adventure and then now the I had tons of adventure and then now the I had tons of adventure and then now the adventures are are far more docile and adventures are are far more docile and adventures are are far more docile and and quiet. Um and of course um the and quiet. Um and of course um the and quiet. Um and of course um the internal adventure is real as well. I internal adventure is real as well. I internal adventure is real as well. I think that friends with whom we can just think that friends with whom we can just think that friends with whom we can just be be be >> one version of ourselves are wonderful. >> one version of ourselves are wonderful. >> one version of ourselves are wonderful. Friends with whom we can be all versions Friends with whom we can be all versions Friends with whom we can be all versions of oursel is uh especially wonderful. of oursel is uh especially wonderful. of oursel is uh especially wonderful. That's the acceptance piece. Uh That's the acceptance piece. Uh That's the acceptance piece. Uh typically I think we look more for that typically I think we look more for that typically I think we look more for that in romantic relationship. This notion of in romantic relationship. This notion of in romantic relationship. This notion of just like safety and acceptance being just like safety and acceptance being just like safety and acceptance being hallmarks of of healthy romantic hallmarks of of healthy romantic hallmarks of of healthy romantic relationship. I think those are also the relationship. I think those are also the relationship. I think those are also the hallmarks of healthy friendship. It's hallmarks of healthy friendship. It's hallmarks of healthy friendship. It's just that with friendship we can be a just that with friendship we can be a just that with friendship we can be a bit more segmented in terms of the bit more segmented in terms of the bit more segmented in terms of the number of different aspects of self that number of different aspects of self that number of different aspects of self that we need um safety and acceptance with. we need um safety and acceptance with. we need um safety and acceptance with. >> Um I think with friendship also, you >> Um I think with friendship also, you >> Um I think with friendship also, you know, I I've found it to be the case know, I I've found it to be the case know, I I've found it to be the case that really knowing what's going on with that really knowing what's going on with that really knowing what's going on with people has become a little little bit people has become a little little bit people has become a little little bit more difficult. There's this there's more difficult. There's this there's more difficult. There's this there's this kind of odd thing, right? We're this kind of odd thing, right? We're this kind of odd thing, right? We're we're we're more interconnected in terms we're we're more interconnected in terms we're we're more interconnected in terms of availability of communication, but of availability of communication, but of availability of communication, but we're less aware of what's really going we're less aware of what's really going we're less aware of what's really going on for people. In fact, on the way here, on for people. In fact, on the way here, on for people. In fact, on the way here, I had a call with a with a friend and I had a call with a with a friend and I had a call with a with a friend and their headset was making a lot of noise. their headset was making a lot of noise. their headset was making a lot of noise. And so, um, we agreed. Uh, they said, And so, um, we agreed. Uh, they said, And so, um, we agreed. Uh, they said, "Hey, how about I just turn mute mine?" "Hey, how about I just turn mute mine?" "Hey, how about I just turn mute mine?" And for the next two minutes, I'm not And for the next two minutes, I'm not And for the next two minutes, I'm not kidding, this is how they this is what kidding, this is how they this is what kidding, this is how they this is what they said. Um they said just tell me they said. Um they said just tell me they said. Um they said just tell me like what's what's on your heart or like what's what's on your heart or like what's what's on your heart or what's in your heart. Hopefully it what's in your heart. Hopefully it what's in your heart. Hopefully it wasn't on your heart. What's in your wasn't on your heart. What's in your wasn't on your heart. What's in your heart? And I I was like oh wow that's heart? And I I was like oh wow that's heart? And I I was like oh wow that's tough. You know that's tough. I mean I I tough. You know that's tough. I mean I I tough. You know that's tough. I mean I I Okay. And I and I know that they're Okay. And I and I know that they're Okay. And I and I know that they're listening and then but it's very silent listening and then but it's very silent listening and then but it's very silent on the other end and I'm kind of on the other end and I'm kind of on the other end and I'm kind of speaking into a vacuum there um because speaking into a vacuum there um because speaking into a vacuum there um because they're not hearing anything. And then they're not hearing anything. And then they're not hearing anything. And then had maybe just two minutes before we had maybe just two minutes before we had maybe just two minutes before we curled up the hill because of the curled up the hill because of the curled up the hill because of the reception in uh the area that we're in reception in uh the area that we're in reception in uh the area that we're in as you know is always complicated. um to as you know is always complicated. um to as you know is always complicated. um to just get feedback. It was very just get feedback. It was very just get feedback. It was very interesting like I I realized that I interesting like I I realized that I interesting like I I realized that I felt close to them before but just the felt close to them before but just the felt close to them before but just the notion that they would ask me that how notion that they would ask me that how notion that they would ask me that how do I feel not what's going on lately not do I feel not what's going on lately not do I feel not what's going on lately not you know am I feeling good or bad like you know am I feeling good or bad like you know am I feeling good or bad like evaluation of of feelings but just like evaluation of of feelings but just like evaluation of of feelings but just like what's going on and I stumbled a bit at what's going on and I stumbled a bit at what's going on and I stumbled a bit at first but I can realize in in in saying first but I can realize in in in saying first but I can realize in in in saying it now like I'm quite moved by the fact it now like I'm quite moved by the fact it now like I'm quite moved by the fact that they would ask that that they would ask that that they would ask that >> of all things as opposed to like what's >> of all things as opposed to like what's >> of all things as opposed to like what's going on what's your next podcast about going on what's your next podcast about going on what's your next podcast about are you coming to visit that sort of are you coming to visit that sort of are you coming to visit that sort of thing and so like I'm taking a lot of thing and so like I'm taking a lot of thing and so like I'm taking a lot of cues these days from people that u make cues these days from people that u make cues these days from people that u make me feel very seen and accepted. You're me feel very seen and accepted. You're me feel very seen and accepted. You're one of them, I must say. Like I don't one of them, I must say. Like I don't one of them, I must say. Like I don't just say that cuz we're in front of just say that cuz we're in front of just say that cuz we're in front of these microphones and sitting here like these microphones and sitting here like these microphones and sitting here like you and I have been in touch a lot you and I have been in touch a lot you and I have been in touch a lot lately through good times and hard times lately through good times and hard times lately through good times and hard times and and and a lot of different things. and and and a lot of different things. and and and a lot of different things. It's it's not um a coincidence though It's it's not um a coincidence though It's it's not um a coincidence though that that I think that we're here that that I think that we're here that that I think that we're here because and talking about this because I because and talking about this because I because and talking about this because I think that ultimately the questions that think that ultimately the questions that think that ultimately the questions that we ask of the people we care about are we ask of the people we care about are we ask of the people we care about are just as important as reminding them that just as important as reminding them that just as important as reminding them that we're there. Because when we ask a we're there. Because when we ask a we're there. Because when we ask a question like, you know, what's in your question like, you know, what's in your question like, you know, what's in your heart, what we're really saying is, you heart, what we're really saying is, you heart, what we're really saying is, you know, like what's really going on for know, like what's really going on for know, like what's really going on for you as opposed to like what's the next you as opposed to like what's the next you as opposed to like what's the next podcast about, which is an interesting podcast about, which is an interesting podcast about, which is an interesting question to me, but you know, so I, you question to me, but you know, so I, you question to me, but you know, so I, you know, this is more your territory than know, this is more your territory than know, this is more your territory than mine, but I think in the end, I think it mine, but I think in the end, I think it mine, but I think in the end, I think it comes back to safety and acceptance. comes back to safety and acceptance. comes back to safety and acceptance. simple behaviors like a good morning simple behaviors like a good morning simple behaviors like a good morning check-in and then asking questions that check-in and then asking questions that check-in and then asking questions that might feel a little bit challenging might feel a little bit challenging might feel a little bit challenging >> for the other person to answer at first, >> for the other person to answer at first, >> for the other person to answer at first, but that really show a depth of care and but that really show a depth of care and but that really show a depth of care and interest that um go beyond just kind of interest that um go beyond just kind of interest that um go beyond just kind of like narrative and and storytelling. And like narrative and and storytelling. And like narrative and and storytelling. And I think one thing that I'm also very I think one thing that I'm also very I think one thing that I'm also very eager about these days is breaking down eager about these days is breaking down eager about these days is breaking down some of the um traditional stereotypes some of the um traditional stereotypes some of the um traditional stereotypes like, you know, for anyone that's like, you know, for anyone that's like, you know, for anyone that's listening to this and goes, "Oh, you listening to this and goes, "Oh, you listening to this and goes, "Oh, you know, I didn't, you know, men don't talk know, I didn't, you know, men don't talk know, I didn't, you know, men don't talk that way or something." It's like that way or something." It's like that way or something." It's like actually they do. Um they do and if actually they do. Um they do and if actually they do. Um they do and if given the chance they will open up about given the chance they will open up about given the chance they will open up about things that perhaps they hadn't even things that perhaps they hadn't even things that perhaps they hadn't even thought about. And I confess I'm one of thought about. And I confess I'm one of thought about. And I confess I'm one of those people. Maybe it was my Y those people. Maybe it was my Y those people. Maybe it was my Y chromosome got in the way of me thinking chromosome got in the way of me thinking chromosome got in the way of me thinking like wait what do you want me to talk like wait what do you want me to talk like wait what do you want me to talk about? What's in my heart? Hey actually about? What's in my heart? Hey actually about? What's in my heart? Hey actually that's a really that's a really that's a really >> great question. Thank you. And so I >> great question. Thank you. And so I >> great question. Thank you. And so I think this brings us back to these early think this brings us back to these early think this brings us back to these early circuits that are all about safety and circuits that are all about safety and circuits that are all about safety and acceptance that are all about being able acceptance that are all about being able acceptance that are all about being able to predict things and basically to say, to predict things and basically to say, to predict things and basically to say, okay, I don't have to be vigilant. okay, I don't have to be vigilant. okay, I don't have to be vigilant. That's really what safety is about is That's really what safety is about is That's really what safety is about is about turning off the neural circuits about turning off the neural circuits about turning off the neural circuits for vigilance. When we turn off the for vigilance. When we turn off the for vigilance. When we turn off the neural circuits for vigilance, we can neural circuits for vigilance, we can neural circuits for vigilance, we can start to direct our neural circuits, start to direct our neural circuits, start to direct our neural circuits, vision, auditory, whatever thoughts vision, auditory, whatever thoughts vision, auditory, whatever thoughts towards an awareness of things that are towards an awareness of things that are towards an awareness of things that are both inside us and around us that keep both inside us and around us that keep both inside us and around us that keep us in that calm state. I mean, vigilance us in that calm state. I mean, vigilance us in that calm state. I mean, vigilance is associated with stress. Stress is is associated with stress. Stress is is associated with stress. Stress is associated with a narrowing of the associated with a narrowing of the associated with a narrowing of the visual field, a narrowing of the visual field, a narrowing of the visual field, a narrowing of the auditory fields. I'll just use this auditory fields. I'll just use this auditory fields. I'll just use this analogy because my sister and I last um analogy because my sister and I last um analogy because my sister and I last um last summer, we always go to New York last summer, we always go to New York last summer, we always go to New York for our birthdays together. We went and for our birthdays together. We went and for our birthdays together. We went and saw what the Harry Potter play. Oh, it's saw what the Harry Potter play. Oh, it's saw what the Harry Potter play. Oh, it's so good. so good. so good. >> Okay. Right. And I saw in New York, too. >> Okay. Right. And I saw in New York, too. >> Okay. Right. And I saw in New York, too. >> Yeah. It was wild. I mean, the effects >> Yeah. It was wild. I mean, the effects >> Yeah. It was wild. I mean, the effects are so unbelievable. She's a big Harry are so unbelievable. She's a big Harry are so unbelievable. She's a big Harry Potter fan. I'm not, but Potter fan. I'm not, but Potter fan. I'm not, but just just spectacular effects. It was just just spectacular effects. It was just just spectacular effects. It was just so wild. I I couldn't believe it. just so wild. I I couldn't believe it. just so wild. I I couldn't believe it. But there's this library in in the in But there's this library in in the in But there's this library in in the in the play where it's it's a magic library the play where it's it's a magic library the play where it's it's a magic library where when one of the books is taken out where when one of the books is taken out where when one of the books is taken out about a particular subject, the books about a particular subject, the books about a particular subject, the books around it actually morph and change to around it actually morph and change to around it actually morph and change to reflect the same subject material. And reflect the same subject material. And reflect the same subject material. And when I saw that, I immediately said when I saw that, I immediately said when I saw that, I immediately said that's how the brain works. The way the that's how the brain works. The way the that's how the brain works. The way the brain works is a kind of pseudo brain works is a kind of pseudo brain works is a kind of pseudo hypnosis. Hypnosis is about context and hypnosis. Hypnosis is about context and hypnosis. Hypnosis is about context and context setting and narrowing of context setting and narrowing of context setting and narrowing of context. All of us have such a wealth of context. All of us have such a wealth of context. All of us have such a wealth of historical present and future thinking historical present and future thinking historical present and future thinking cognition in our brains. But when we get cognition in our brains. But when we get cognition in our brains. But when we get anchored to a particular emotional state anchored to a particular emotional state anchored to a particular emotional state or topic, what ends up happening is that or topic, what ends up happening is that or topic, what ends up happening is that the the available topics around it the the available topics around it the the available topics around it change in reference to how stressed we change in reference to how stressed we change in reference to how stressed we are. When we are stressed, all the are. When we are stressed, all the are. When we are stressed, all the topics, all the books on the shelf topics, all the books on the shelf topics, all the books on the shelf around that stress are about that thing around that stress are about that thing around that stress are about that thing and how to solve it. And actually, this and how to solve it. And actually, this and how to solve it. And actually, this is why stress enhances our memory for is why stress enhances our memory for is why stress enhances our memory for solving that the things that can help us solving that the things that can help us solving that the things that can help us solve that particular issue. But guess solve that particular issue. But guess solve that particular issue. But guess what is given up? All the other what is given up? All the other what is given up? All the other distantly or not so distantly related distantly or not so distantly related distantly or not so distantly related topics that lend themselves to topics that lend themselves to topics that lend themselves to creativity, to thinking about novel creativity, to thinking about novel creativity, to thinking about novel combinations of things. This is why our combinations of things. This is why our combinations of things. This is why our friend Rick Rubin, I think, is such a a friend Rick Rubin, I think, is such a a friend Rick Rubin, I think, is such a a spectacularly creative individual spectacularly creative individual spectacularly creative individual because he spends a lot of time putting because he spends a lot of time putting because he spends a lot of time putting his brain and body into a state in which his brain and body into a state in which his brain and body into a state in which he can he can he can remain in contact with these other remain in contact with these other remain in contact with these other related or seemingly unrelated topics. related or seemingly unrelated topics. related or seemingly unrelated topics. Whereas, when we're in a stressed mode, Whereas, when we're in a stressed mode, Whereas, when we're in a stressed mode, when we have to problem solve, when we when we have to problem solve, when we when we have to problem solve, when we are in vigil vigilance, excuse me, we are in vigil vigilance, excuse me, we are in vigil vigilance, excuse me, we absolutely narrow our cognitive fields, absolutely narrow our cognitive fields, absolutely narrow our cognitive fields, our visual fields, our auditory fields. our visual fields, our auditory fields. our visual fields, our auditory fields. we limit what we think is possible. And we limit what we think is possible. And we limit what we think is possible. And so I think great friendships to bring it so I think great friendships to bring it so I think great friendships to bring it back to it, great relationships of all back to it, great relationships of all back to it, great relationships of all kinds have enough safety and acceptance kinds have enough safety and acceptance kinds have enough safety and acceptance in them that we can make our way through in them that we can make our way through in them that we can make our way through the practical constraints of the the practical constraints of the the practical constraints of the relationship in the day, the week, and relationship in the day, the week, and relationship in the day, the week, and the year. But that there's also a sense the year. But that there's also a sense the year. But that there's also a sense of creativity that there are new of creativity that there are new of creativity that there are new elements allowed to be brought in elements allowed to be brought in elements allowed to be brought in because there's enough safety and because there's enough safety and because there's enough safety and acceptance that we can turn down those acceptance that we can turn down those acceptance that we can turn down those vigilance circuits. vigilance circuits. vigilance circuits. >> Absolutely. As adults, building >> Absolutely. As adults, building >> Absolutely. As adults, building meaningful friendships isn't just about meaningful friendships isn't just about meaningful friendships isn't just about finding people who uplift us. It's also finding people who uplift us. It's also finding people who uplift us. It's also about how we show up for others. The about how we show up for others. The about how we show up for others. The strongest friendships are built on strongest friendships are built on strongest friendships are built on trust, joy, and a sense of community. trust, joy, and a sense of community. trust, joy, and a sense of community. And when we find that balance, our And when we find that balance, our And when we find that balance, our relationships become more meaningful and relationships become more meaningful and relationships become more meaningful and can be life-changing. Robin Chararma, can be life-changing. Robin Chararma, can be life-changing. Robin Chararma, leadership expert and best-selling leadership expert and best-selling leadership expert and best-selling author, shares his perspective on how author, shares his perspective on how author, shares his perspective on how the right friendships can shape not just the right friendships can shape not just the right friendships can shape not just our personal lives but our growth and our personal lives but our growth and our personal lives but our growth and success as well. Let's hear what he has success as well. Let's hear what he has success as well. Let's hear what he has to say and develop the idea that we can to say and develop the idea that we can to say and develop the idea that we can have a group of people that we grow have a group of people that we grow have a group of people that we grow around and then you have a group of around and then you have a group of around and then you have a group of people that you have to give to often, people that you have to give to often, people that you have to give to often, right? Like I think that's what our life right? Like I think that's what our life right? Like I think that's what our life is made up of. Like life isn't just is made up of. Like life isn't just is made up of. Like life isn't just we're not just surrounded by people that we're not just surrounded by people that we're not just surrounded by people that help us grow because we're obviously help us grow because we're obviously help us grow because we're obviously taking from them as well. And we don't taking from them as well. And we don't taking from them as well. And we don't want to be in a position where we're want to be in a position where we're want to be in a position where we're only giving. We want to be able to grow. only giving. We want to be able to grow. only giving. We want to be able to grow. So it's almost like we all we have two So it's almost like we all we have two So it's almost like we all we have two sets of groups in our life at any real sets of groups in our life at any real sets of groups in our life at any real given time. Would you agree with that or given time. Would you agree with that or given time. Would you agree with that or >> Well, I would just say trust trust your >> Well, I would just say trust trust your >> Well, I would just say trust trust your joy. joy. joy. >> I think joy is a great GPS. >> I think joy is a great GPS. >> I think joy is a great GPS. And so, yeah, I'm not in any way And so, yeah, I'm not in any way And so, yeah, I'm not in any way suggesting be around people only who suggesting be around people only who suggesting be around people only who fuel you and who help you become you at fuel you and who help you become you at fuel you and who help you become you at your best. your best. your best. >> I'm simply saying it's it's about what's >> I'm simply saying it's it's about what's >> I'm simply saying it's it's about what's healthy. It's about your joy. It's about healthy. It's about your joy. It's about healthy. It's about your joy. It's about being around people who you vibe with, being around people who you vibe with, being around people who you vibe with, who understand you, who have similar who understand you, who have similar who understand you, who have similar values, who support you and and who values, who support you and and who values, who support you and and who encourage you. encourage you. encourage you. >> So, I think your community is definitely >> So, I think your community is definitely >> So, I think your community is definitely a key an absolutely key form of wealth. a key an absolutely key form of wealth. a key an absolutely key form of wealth. And you mentioned this earlier. I want And you mentioned this earlier. I want And you mentioned this earlier. I want to come back to it was this three great to come back to it was this three great to come back to it was this three great friends rule. And I love that you talk friends rule. And I love that you talk friends rule. And I love that you talk about having three great friends. I about having three great friends. I about having three great friends. I heard recently somewhere, I can't heard recently somewhere, I can't heard recently somewhere, I can't remember, I was I was browsing on social remember, I was I was browsing on social remember, I was I was browsing on social media and someone said you need 3:00 media and someone said you need 3:00 media and someone said you need 3:00 a.m. friends as well. Like friends you a.m. friends as well. Like friends you a.m. friends as well. Like friends you can call at 3:00 a.m. and they'll pick can call at 3:00 a.m. and they'll pick can call at 3:00 a.m. and they'll pick up the phone. How do you know? What is up the phone. How do you know? What is up the phone. How do you know? What is the quality of a great long-term friend? the quality of a great long-term friend? the quality of a great long-term friend? What what is a great friend? I'm not What what is a great friend? I'm not What what is a great friend? I'm not sure we even know anymore. sure we even know anymore. sure we even know anymore. >> A great friend is someone you can be >> A great friend is someone you can be >> A great friend is someone you can be yourself with and they still love you. yourself with and they still love you. yourself with and they still love you. great friend is great friend is great friend is I I had a line in the book, you know, I I had a line in the book, you know, I I had a line in the book, you know, you're in a foreign country and 3:00 you're in a foreign country and 3:00 you're in a foreign country and 3:00 a.m. they hop on a plane and they come a.m. they hop on a plane and they come a.m. they hop on a plane and they come get you. get you. get you. A great friend is someone who you can A great friend is someone who you can A great friend is someone who you can laugh with. Great friend is someone who laugh with. Great friend is someone who laugh with. Great friend is someone who you're going through your most difficult you're going through your most difficult you're going through your most difficult times and they'll listen to you for times and they'll listen to you for times and they'll listen to you for hours. A great friend is um yeah, hours. A great friend is um yeah, hours. A great friend is um yeah, someone who who accepts you, someone who someone who who accepts you, someone who someone who who accepts you, someone who helps you be seen. A great friend is helps you be seen. A great friend is helps you be seen. A great friend is someone who when you're with them, you someone who when you're with them, you someone who when you're with them, you feel joyful versus depleted. feel joyful versus depleted. feel joyful versus depleted. So I think it's really important, you So I think it's really important, you So I think it's really important, you know, in this world where we are know, in this world where we are know, in this world where we are maximalists. We want we want to be all maximalists. We want we want to be all maximalists. We want we want to be all things to all people. We want to have so things to all people. We want to have so things to all people. We want to have so many different friends. Focus on three many different friends. Focus on three many different friends. Focus on three great friends. We want to read a hundred great friends. We want to read a hundred great friends. We want to read a hundred books, master three books. Maybe it's books, master three books. Maybe it's books, master three books. Maybe it's Jobs's Jobs's Jobs's Isacson's autobiography on Jobs like you Isacson's autobiography on Jobs like you Isacson's autobiography on Jobs like you mentioned. Maybe it's The Prophet by mentioned. Maybe it's The Prophet by mentioned. Maybe it's The Prophet by Khalil Gerberon. Maybe it's Khalil Gerberon. Maybe it's Khalil Gerberon. Maybe it's The Giving Tree by Shell Silverstein. The Giving Tree by Shell Silverstein. The Giving Tree by Shell Silverstein. Maybe it's Meditations of Marcus Maybe it's Meditations of Marcus Maybe it's Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, one of my favorite books of Aurelius, one of my favorite books of Aurelius, one of my favorite books of all time, you know. But I think just all time, you know. But I think just all time, you know. But I think just being a minimalist is is so powerful. being a minimalist is is so powerful. being a minimalist is is so powerful. Build your life around a few things. Build your life around a few things. Build your life around a few things. Even in work, I mentioned it. Rather Even in work, I mentioned it. Rather Even in work, I mentioned it. Rather than pushing out a thousand pieces of than pushing out a thousand pieces of than pushing out a thousand pieces of mediocrity, mediocrity, mediocrity, do one thing incredibly well. You know, do one thing incredibly well. You know, do one thing incredibly well. You know, even if it takes 5 years, 10 years. even if it takes 5 years, 10 years. even if it takes 5 years, 10 years. There's a chapter called make your There's a chapter called make your There's a chapter called make your project X in the wealth money campaign. project X in the wealth money campaign. project X in the wealth money campaign. And the example is the duomo in Milan. And the example is the duomo in Milan. And the example is the duomo in Milan. You know how long they spent on it? In You know how long they spent on it? In You know how long they spent on it? In this world where we want to do something this world where we want to do something this world where we want to do something in an hour and they get the rewards or in an hour and they get the rewards or in an hour and they get the rewards or maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe a week, maybe a month, it took 600 years to create the domo. it took 600 years to create the domo. it took 600 years to create the domo. These are values of a unspoken age. 600 These are values of a unspoken age. 600 These are values of a unspoken age. 600 years of calibrating, refining, years of calibrating, refining, years of calibrating, refining, optimizing to create the domo. And so optimizing to create the domo. And so optimizing to create the domo. And so that's what a project X is. Rather than that's what a project X is. Rather than that's what a project X is. Rather than doing lots of things, you do one thing. doing lots of things, you do one thing. doing lots of things, you do one thing. Maybe it's one work of art. Maybe it's one work of art. Maybe it's one work of art. Michelangelo took four years of working Michelangelo took four years of working Michelangelo took four years of working on the chapel of the cyine ceiling, but on the chapel of the cyine ceiling, but on the chapel of the cyine ceiling, but he got the job done. So minimalism is is he got the job done. So minimalism is is he got the job done. So minimalism is is very very powerful. very very powerful. very very powerful. >> And one of the things you said there, >> And one of the things you said there, >> And one of the things you said there, this idea of we're almost trying to be this idea of we're almost trying to be this idea of we're almost trying to be so many things to so many people that so many things to so many people that so many things to so many people that it's hard to find the right friends. One it's hard to find the right friends. One it's hard to find the right friends. One of the things you talk about is do not of the things you talk about is do not of the things you talk about is do not be a doormat. And I find that that be a doormat. And I find that that be a doormat. And I find that that becomes that peopleleasing mentality, becomes that peopleleasing mentality, becomes that peopleleasing mentality, that ability to I can mold and I can be that ability to I can mold and I can be that ability to I can mold and I can be whatever you want me to be and I can be whatever you want me to be and I can be whatever you want me to be and I can be lots of things and we feel validated lots of things and we feel validated lots of things and we feel validated that way but in the end we're just that way but in the end we're just that way but in the end we're just becoming a doormat. Everyone crosses becoming a doormat. Everyone crosses becoming a doormat. Everyone crosses over a doormat and a doormat welcomes over a doormat and a doormat welcomes over a doormat and a doormat welcomes everyone in the same way. So when I read everyone in the same way. So when I read everyone in the same way. So when I read that I was like how do we be kind but that I was like how do we be kind but that I was like how do we be kind but not be a doormat? How do we be not be a doormat? How do we be not be a doormat? How do we be serviceoriented but not be a doormat? serviceoriented but not be a doormat? serviceoriented but not be a doormat? How do we balance that art of being How do we balance that art of being How do we balance that art of being welcoming but not being a doormat? welcoming but not being a doormat? welcoming but not being a doormat? >> Well, I you know for for many years like >> Well, I you know for for many years like >> Well, I you know for for many years like you Jay I've talked about the power of you Jay I've talked about the power of you Jay I've talked about the power of just being of being kind just being of being kind just being of being kind >> you know and it sounds so simple but >> you know and it sounds so simple but >> you know and it sounds so simple but being kind staying in a hotel being kind staying in a hotel being kind staying in a hotel remembering there's someone going to remembering there's someone going to remembering there's someone going to clean my room after I leave the room so clean my room after I leave the room so clean my room after I leave the room so put the bath the towels in the bathtub put the bath the towels in the bathtub put the bath the towels in the bathtub straighten out the bed. Leave the room straighten out the bed. Leave the room straighten out the bed. Leave the room service tray clean. Little acts of service tray clean. Little acts of service tray clean. Little acts of kindness not only are a gift you give to kindness not only are a gift you give to kindness not only are a gift you give to someone else. It's a gift you give to someone else. It's a gift you give to someone else. It's a gift you give to yourself. You respect yourself more. So yourself. You respect yourself more. So yourself. You respect yourself more. So then people come sometimes say to me, then people come sometimes say to me, then people come sometimes say to me, well if I'm kind, people will take well if I'm kind, people will take well if I'm kind, people will take advantage of me. And I would say people advantage of me. And I would say people advantage of me. And I would say people will only take advantage of you if you will only take advantage of you if you will only take advantage of you if you allow people to take advantage of you. allow people to take advantage of you. allow people to take advantage of you. Let's not confuse kindness with Let's not confuse kindness with Let's not confuse kindness with weakness. M weakness. M weakness. M >> there is a time to always be kind but >> there is a time to always be kind but >> there is a time to always be kind but that doesn't mean you let people walk that doesn't mean you let people walk that doesn't mean you let people walk over you. over you. over you. >> And that makes me think of another idea >> And that makes me think of another idea >> And that makes me think of another idea that I write about which is the that I write about which is the that I write about which is the importance of you know in this world importance of you know in this world importance of you know in this world right now it's so easy to live the same right now it's so easy to live the same right now it's so easy to live the same year 80 times and call it a life. year 80 times and call it a life. year 80 times and call it a life. >> And there's one chapter called be a >> And there's one chapter called be a >> And there's one chapter called be a perfect moment creator. And the story I perfect moment creator. And the story I perfect moment creator. And the story I tell in there is of Eugene Kelly tell in there is of Eugene Kelly tell in there is of Eugene Kelly O. Kelly excuse me. And Eugene Kelly O. Kelly excuse me. And Eugene Kelly O. Kelly excuse me. And Eugene Kelly used to be the former CEO of KPMG, the used to be the former CEO of KPMG, the used to be the former CEO of KPMG, the accounting behemoth. And one day he accounting behemoth. And one day he accounting behemoth. And one day he walked into his doctor's office to get walked into his doctor's office to get walked into his doctor's office to get the results of a routine medical. And the results of a routine medical. And the results of a routine medical. And the doctor came out with an expression the doctor came out with an expression the doctor came out with an expression you never want to see on the face of you never want to see on the face of you never want to see on the face of your doctor when you go to get your your doctor when you go to get your your doctor when you go to get your results. results. results. And he was told he had 90 days left to And he was told he had 90 days left to And he was told he had 90 days left to live. He had an inoperable brain tumor. live. He had an inoperable brain tumor. live. He had an inoperable brain tumor. So confronted with his mortality, he So confronted with his mortality, he So confronted with his mortality, he realized for the first time he had never realized for the first time he had never realized for the first time he had never in all his years as a corporate titan. in all his years as a corporate titan. in all his years as a corporate titan. He had never taken his wife to lunch. He He had never taken his wife to lunch. He He had never taken his wife to lunch. He had missed so many Christmas concerts of had missed so many Christmas concerts of had missed so many Christmas concerts of his daughter. He had never spent time his daughter. He had never spent time his daughter. He had never spent time with his friends walking through Central with his friends walking through Central with his friends walking through Central Park and having conversations. And so he Park and having conversations. And so he Park and having conversations. And so he decided to re-engineer his last 90 days. decided to re-engineer his last 90 days. decided to re-engineer his last 90 days. And he said, "I wanted to become a And he said, "I wanted to become a And he said, "I wanted to become a perfect moment creator." and he spent perfect moment creator." and he spent perfect moment creator." and he spent those last 90 days, he actually died those last 90 days, he actually died those last 90 days, he actually died roughly 90 days after um the report from roughly 90 days after um the report from roughly 90 days after um the report from his doctor. But I think that's so his doctor. But I think that's so his doctor. But I think that's so powerful, you know, when you're with powerful, you know, when you're with powerful, you know, when you're with your family, when you're with your work, your family, when you're with your work, your family, when you're with your work, when you're with yourself in each and when you're with yourself in each and when you're with yourself in each and every day, find some way to create a every day, find some way to create a every day, find some way to create a perfect moment. Maybe it's giving a gift perfect moment. Maybe it's giving a gift perfect moment. Maybe it's giving a gift to someone through a compliment. Maybe to someone through a compliment. Maybe to someone through a compliment. Maybe it's taking some time to do something it's taking some time to do something it's taking some time to do something that fills you with joy. But being a that fills you with joy. But being a that fills you with joy. But being a perfect moment creator, I think, is a perfect moment creator, I think, is a perfect moment creator, I think, is a form of wealth money can't buy. M Have form of wealth money can't buy. M Have form of wealth money can't buy. M Have you ever thought about what makes a you ever thought about what makes a you ever thought about what makes a truly good friend? Not just someone you truly good friend? Not just someone you truly good friend? Not just someone you can grab lunch with, but the kind of can grab lunch with, but the kind of can grab lunch with, but the kind of friend who truly sees you. The version friend who truly sees you. The version friend who truly sees you. The version of yourself you might even forget of yourself you might even forget of yourself you might even forget sometimes. Trevor Noah has spent years sometimes. Trevor Noah has spent years sometimes. Trevor Noah has spent years navigating relationships in a world full navigating relationships in a world full navigating relationships in a world full of unpredictability. And his take on of unpredictability. And his take on of unpredictability. And his take on friendship is powerful. He shares how friendship is powerful. He shares how friendship is powerful. He shares how his closest friends act as his anchor, his closest friends act as his anchor, his closest friends act as his anchor, helping him reconnect with himself, helping him reconnect with himself, helping him reconnect with himself, especially in the loneliness of standup especially in the loneliness of standup especially in the loneliness of standup comedy and touring. Let's take a look. comedy and touring. Let's take a look. comedy and touring. Let's take a look. How a who are the friends? What what are How a who are the friends? What what are How a who are the friends? What what are you talking to them about? Like what's you talking to them about? Like what's you talking to them about? Like what's your consistency? I'm I'm fascinated by your consistency? I'm I'm fascinated by your consistency? I'm I'm fascinated by that because that because that because >> so who are the friends? Predominantly my >> so who are the friends? Predominantly my >> so who are the friends? Predominantly my friends are from South Africa. um friends are from South Africa. um friends are from South Africa. um friends I met doing different things all friends I met doing different things all friends I met doing different things all all organic new things which um I'm a all organic new things which um I'm a all organic new things which um I'm a sucker for. I'm terrible at making sucker for. I'm terrible at making sucker for. I'm terrible at making friends partially because I I don't friends partially because I I don't friends partially because I I don't trust people easily. I exist in a world trust people easily. I exist in a world trust people easily. I exist in a world where I can be friendly with many people where I can be friendly with many people where I can be friendly with many people but you know it takes me a while to but you know it takes me a while to but you know it takes me a while to accept that this person is actually a accept that this person is actually a accept that this person is actually a part of my life part of my life part of my life >> right >> right >> right >> and I think for a long time it was >> and I think for a long time it was >> and I think for a long time it was because and still is sometimes because a because and still is sometimes because a because and still is sometimes because a I have an idea of I have an idea of I have an idea of putting something on that person where I putting something on that person where I putting something on that person where I may need them means that they may may need them means that they may may need them means that they may disappoint me disappoint me disappoint me >> and then on the other side of it them >> and then on the other side of it them >> and then on the other side of it them needing me means I could be in the needing me means I could be in the needing me means I could be in the position to disappoint them position to disappoint them position to disappoint them >> you know and and And and so as we learn >> you know and and And and so as we learn >> you know and and And and so as we learn people, I find we learn what they can people, I find we learn what they can people, I find we learn what they can and cannot do. We learn who they are or and cannot do. We learn who they are or and cannot do. We learn who they are or are not. And it's always situational for are not. And it's always situational for are not. And it's always situational for me. You know, that's that's when I'll me. You know, that's that's when I'll me. You know, that's that's when I'll call you like a friend is that I know call you like a friend is that I know call you like a friend is that I know how you are in most situations. how you are in most situations. how you are in most situations. >> Yeah. It's a good definition. >> Yeah. It's a good definition. >> Yeah. It's a good definition. >> You know, that that that for me is the >> You know, that that that for me is the >> You know, that that that for me is the definition of a friend. So you know I definition of a friend. So you know I definition of a friend. So you know I can be we use it loosely obviously but can be we use it loosely obviously but can be we use it loosely obviously but you know I can be friends with you and you know I can be friends with you and you know I can be friends with you and we always meet for lunch and always meet we always meet for lunch and always meet we always meet for lunch and always meet for but but then I only know you in in for but but then I only know you in in for but but then I only know you in in one way my friends I start to be able one way my friends I start to be able one way my friends I start to be able to to to I almost almost store in a vault in my I almost almost store in a vault in my I almost almost store in a vault in my mind. I can say for a fact if we're mind. I can say for a fact if we're mind. I can say for a fact if we're friends if Jay was here this would friends if Jay was here this would friends if Jay was here this would bother him. He would like that. He would bother him. He would like that. He would bother him. He would like that. He would probably say this and that's why he probably say this and that's why he probably say this and that's why he would act this way. Yeah. would act this way. Yeah. would act this way. Yeah. >> And that's, you know, that's how I think >> And that's, you know, that's how I think >> And that's, you know, that's how I think of my friends. of my friends. of my friends. >> So, they've been a major part of making >> So, they've been a major part of making >> So, they've been a major part of making me feel at home. You know, my my my job me feel at home. You know, my my my job me feel at home. You know, my my my job standup comedy is a really lonely standup comedy is a really lonely standup comedy is a really lonely career, you know, and I remember career, you know, and I remember career, you know, and I remember >> talking to a comedian. It was a few >> talking to a comedian. It was a few >> talking to a comedian. It was a few weeks ago, talking about how there was weeks ago, talking about how there was weeks ago, talking about how there was like a period where a lot of stand-up like a period where a lot of stand-up like a period where a lot of stand-up comedians were committing suicide, you comedians were committing suicide, you comedians were committing suicide, you know, and would be you'd hear this know, and would be you'd hear this know, and would be you'd hear this devastating story of a comedian that devastating story of a comedian that devastating story of a comedian that everyone loved. They were in a hotel everyone loved. They were in a hotel everyone loved. They were in a hotel room and then they committed suicide room and then they committed suicide room and then they committed suicide >> and I was petrified >> and I was petrified >> and I was petrified >> because I I always think it can happen >> because I I always think it can happen >> because I I always think it can happen to me, to me, to me, >> you know. I I I go that if that happened >> you know. I I I go that if that happened >> you know. I I I go that if that happened to them, why did it happen? How if I to them, why did it happen? How if I to them, why did it happen? How if I don't understand, then what is it? don't understand, then what is it? don't understand, then what is it? Another comedian, another comedian, Another comedian, another comedian, Another comedian, another comedian, another comedian, another comedian. another comedian, another comedian. another comedian, another comedian. >> I think being a stand-up comedian is a >> I think being a stand-up comedian is a >> I think being a stand-up comedian is a is a really lonely job in that we're is a really lonely job in that we're is a really lonely job in that we're traveling oftentimes alone. We don't traveling oftentimes alone. We don't traveling oftentimes alone. We don't have a band. We don't have backup have a band. We don't have backup have a band. We don't have backup dancers. We don't we don't we don't dancers. We don't we don't we don't dancers. We don't we don't we don't travel with travel with travel with >> Can you imagine you if you got your back >> Can you imagine you if you got your back >> Can you imagine you if you got your back at them at them at them >> and yet every night you're going out >> and yet every night you're going out >> and yet every night you're going out there there there >> and you're making people laugh. You're >> and you're making people laugh. You're >> and you're making people laugh. You're having fun with them. having fun with them. having fun with them. >> They come with their families. They come >> They come with their families. They come >> They come with their families. They come with their friends. They come with their with their friends. They come with their with their friends. They come with their loved ones. You leave alone. loved ones. You leave alone. loved ones. You leave alone. >> And and it's this constant exchange of >> And and it's this constant exchange of >> And and it's this constant exchange of energy. And what I learned was my my energy. And what I learned was my my energy. And what I learned was my my friends became that hub. My friends friends became that hub. My friends friends became that hub. My friends became my recharge. My friends became became my recharge. My friends became became my recharge. My friends became the couch I could lie on and say nothing the couch I could lie on and say nothing the couch I could lie on and say nothing or everything. or everything. or everything. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And thanks partly to technology, I've >> And thanks partly to technology, I've >> And thanks partly to technology, I've been able to keep in touch with them. been able to keep in touch with them. been able to keep in touch with them. There's no there's no catching up for There's no there's no catching up for There's no there's no catching up for us. It's literally a running. We've got us. It's literally a running. We've got us. It's literally a running. We've got a WhatsApp thread that is now I'm going a WhatsApp thread that is now I'm going a WhatsApp thread that is now I'm going to say to say to say 15 years old. 15 years old. 15 years old. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Like literally I can go back and search >> Like literally I can go back and search >> Like literally I can go back and search something from maybe 10 years ago. something from maybe 10 years ago. something from maybe 10 years ago. Sometimes I can go back on the WhatsApp Sometimes I can go back on the WhatsApp Sometimes I can go back on the WhatsApp there and go what happened and I can there and go what happened and I can there and go what happened and I can search and I can find it. That's how search and I can find it. That's how search and I can find it. That's how long we've had the same long we've had the same long we've had the same >> group and the same friends and the same >> group and the same friends and the same >> group and the same friends and the same everything. And obviously it's grown everything. And obviously it's grown everything. And obviously it's grown over time, over time, over time, >> but that core has kept me. You know, I >> but that core has kept me. You know, I >> but that core has kept me. You know, I always think, did you end up reading always think, did you end up reading always think, did you end up reading Harry Potter? Harry Potter? Harry Potter? >> I didn't ever read it. I've watched all >> I didn't ever read it. I've watched all >> I didn't ever read it. I've watched all the movies. Yeah. I never Oh, you the movies. Yeah. I never Oh, you the movies. Yeah. I never Oh, you watched it. Okay. watched it. Okay. watched it. Okay. >> Yeah, I've watched all the movies. I >> Yeah, I've watched all the movies. I >> Yeah, I've watched all the movies. I know all the I'm a big fan actually. know all the I'm a big fan actually. know all the I'm a big fan actually. >> Okay. So, I feel like your friends in >> Okay. So, I feel like your friends in >> Okay. So, I feel like your friends in life life life are your horcruxes. are your horcruxes. are your horcruxes. >> Oh, interesting. Okay. You know I think >> Oh, interesting. Okay. You know I think >> Oh, interesting. Okay. You know I think as people what we do is as people what we do is as people what we do is >> we break ourselves into parts and >> we break ourselves into parts and >> we break ourselves into parts and whenever we meet people we give them a whenever we meet people we give them a whenever we meet people we give them a part of ourselves part of ourselves part of ourselves >> and some people we give more than we >> and some people we give more than we >> and some people we give more than we give others but we give everyone a give others but we give everyone a give others but we give everyone a different part of ourselves. No one in different part of ourselves. No one in different part of ourselves. No one in your life has the same part that another your life has the same part that another your life has the same part that another person has. They may seem similar but person has. They may seem similar but person has. They may seem similar but they're not. they're not. they're not. >> Your mother and father hold different >> Your mother and father hold different >> Your mother and father hold different parts of you. Your uncles, your cousins, parts of you. Your uncles, your cousins, parts of you. Your uncles, your cousins, your brothers, sisters, your friends, your brothers, sisters, your friends, your brothers, sisters, your friends, whoever it is, they all hold a different whoever it is, they all hold a different whoever it is, they all hold a different part of you. And the same way Voldemort part of you. And the same way Voldemort part of you. And the same way Voldemort could use that to come back to life, I could use that to come back to life, I could use that to come back to life, I feel like we can use that feel like we can use that feel like we can use that >> to come back to life. >> to come back to life. >> to come back to life. >> Wow. Do >> Wow. Do >> Wow. Do >> you know what I mean? >> you know what I mean? >> you know what I mean? >> Yeah. You watched a different movie. >> Yeah. You watched a different movie. >> Yeah. You watched a different movie. >> I read the book. >> I read the book. >> I read the book. >> Yeah. You read the book. >> Yeah. You read the book. >> Yeah. You read the book. >> I read the book, my friend. >> I read the book, my friend. >> I read the book, my friend. >> That's what it is. >> That's what it is. >> That's what it is. >> That's what you missed in the movie. I >> That's what you missed in the movie. I >> That's what you missed in the movie. I read the book. read the book. read the book. >> Yeah. And so >> Yeah. And so >> Yeah. And so >> I always think that is I I I man >> I always think that is I I I man >> I always think that is I I I man sometimes I can be at my worst. I can be sometimes I can be at my worst. I can be sometimes I can be at my worst. I can be sometimes I can be lost. sometimes I can be lost. sometimes I can be lost. >> Really, Jay? There'll be times when I'll >> Really, Jay? There'll be times when I'll >> Really, Jay? There'll be times when I'll be like, what am I doing? Or where am I? be like, what am I doing? Or where am I? be like, what am I doing? Or where am I? I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm burnt out. I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm burnt out. I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm burnt out. I I feel lost. And I can call a friend I I feel lost. And I can call a friend I I feel lost. And I can call a friend >> and no joke, they can say to me, >> and no joke, they can say to me, >> and no joke, they can say to me, >> well, the Trevor I know, >> well, the Trevor I know, >> well, the Trevor I know, >> you know, and and I love that they say >> you know, and and I love that they say >> you know, and and I love that they say that. They don't say this is who you are that. They don't say this is who you are that. They don't say this is who you are or not. They go, the Trevor I know or not. They go, the Trevor I know or not. They go, the Trevor I know >> found his joy here. >> found his joy here. >> found his joy here. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Hey, you know, I've noticed that you're >> Hey, you know, I've noticed that you're >> Hey, you know, I've noticed that you're always happiest when you do it this way. always happiest when you do it this way. always happiest when you do it this way. >> Hey, I've noticed that, you know, you >> Hey, I've noticed that, you know, you >> Hey, I've noticed that, you know, you stress more when you're in this pos. stress more when you're in this pos. stress more when you're in this pos. Hey, and I go, man, I I didn't know that Hey, and I go, man, I I didn't know that Hey, and I go, man, I I didn't know that about myself or I didn't hold myself about myself or I didn't hold myself about myself or I didn't hold myself that way cuz I'm always experiencing all that way cuz I'm always experiencing all that way cuz I'm always experiencing all of me still through my lens. of me still through my lens. of me still through my lens. But thank you. You freed me. You But thank you. You freed me. You But thank you. You freed me. You encouraged me. You held me. Um you loved encouraged me. You held me. Um you loved encouraged me. You held me. Um you loved me. me. me. >> And what what then happens is I start to >> And what what then happens is I start to >> And what what then happens is I start to find what I need to get back to my find what I need to get back to my find what I need to get back to my purpose, to my passion, to whatever purpose, to my passion, to whatever purpose, to my passion, to whatever drives me. And and that's why my friends drives me. And and that's why my friends drives me. And and that's why my friends are a big part of that. That is that is are a big part of that. That is that is are a big part of that. That is that is the core of my world, the core of my world, the core of my world, >> you know, and >> you know, and >> you know, and >> and it's funny, my mom even used to say >> and it's funny, my mom even used to say >> and it's funny, my mom even used to say that to me when I was growing up, that to me when I was growing up, that to me when I was growing up, >> you know, at at a certain age, she said >> you know, at at a certain age, she said >> you know, at at a certain age, she said to me, she'd say to me, "My friend, you to me, she'd say to me, "My friend, you to me, she'd say to me, "My friend, you know, I'd be like, I'm not your friend. know, I'd be like, I'm not your friend. know, I'd be like, I'm not your friend. Like, you're my mom." And my mom would Like, you're my mom." And my mom would Like, you're my mom." And my mom would say, "Just because I'm your mom doesn't say, "Just because I'm your mom doesn't say, "Just because I'm your mom doesn't mean I'm your friend." She said, "There mean I'm your friend." She said, "There mean I'm your friend." She said, "There are many mothers out there that aren't are many mothers out there that aren't are many mothers out there that aren't friends with their child." Yeah. friends with their child." Yeah. friends with their child." Yeah. >> And she said, "I'm your mother and I >> And she said, "I'm your mother and I >> And she said, "I'm your mother and I will always love you as your mother, but will always love you as your mother, but will always love you as your mother, but you are becoming my friend." you are becoming my friend." you are becoming my friend." >> Wow. >> Wow. >> Wow. >> And that stuck with me. I realized that >> And that stuck with me. I realized that >> And that stuck with me. I realized that friendship is a choice. friendship is a choice. friendship is a choice. >> Every other relation we have isn't. >> Every other relation we have isn't. >> Every other relation we have isn't. >> And so even your your relatives can >> And so even your your relatives can >> And so even your your relatives can become your friends or may not be your become your friends or may not be your become your friends or may not be your friends. And I think understanding that friends. And I think understanding that friends. And I think understanding that illuminates a lot of how you interact illuminates a lot of how you interact illuminates a lot of how you interact with people in the world. with people in the world. with people in the world. >> Yeah. I I I really resonate with what I >> Yeah. I I I really resonate with what I >> Yeah. I I I really resonate with what I mean everything you said, but one of the mean everything you said, but one of the mean everything you said, but one of the things that stood out was that kind of things that stood out was that kind of things that stood out was that kind of performers loneliness performers loneliness performers loneliness >> and the bit my my work mainly started >> and the bit my my work mainly started >> and the bit my my work mainly started with coaching and working with people with coaching and working with people with coaching and working with people and I and I work with a lot of musicians and I and I work with a lot of musicians and I and I work with a lot of musicians and people who tour and travel, not and people who tour and travel, not and people who tour and travel, not comedians but but artists and you know comedians but but artists and you know comedians but but artists and you know they're performing to like 100,000 they're performing to like 100,000 they're performing to like 100,000 people and 80,000 people and then they people and 80,000 people and then they people and 80,000 people and then they would always talk to me about this would always talk to me about this would always talk to me about this >> and I didn't I didn't really have a >> and I didn't I didn't really have a >> and I didn't I didn't really have a empathetic experience of it. I I could empathetic experience of it. I I could empathetic experience of it. I I could understand it theoretically. understand it theoretically. understand it theoretically. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And then because most of the events I >> And then because most of the events I >> And then because most of the events I used to speak at were like corporate used to speak at were like corporate used to speak at were like corporate events or like a business event or events or like a business event or events or like a business event or things like that. And then a few years things like that. And then a few years things like that. And then a few years ago when I did my first ever event with ago when I did my first ever event with ago when I did my first ever event with my audience and it was in LA, people who my audience and it was in LA, people who my audience and it was in LA, people who came because they followed my work, not came because they followed my work, not came because they followed my work, not because of anything else, it was only because of anything else, it was only because of anything else, it was only about 2,000 people in the audience. And about 2,000 people in the audience. And about 2,000 people in the audience. And I finished the event and I got into the I finished the event and I got into the I finished the event and I got into the car car car >> and it hit me and I was like, "Oh, like >> and it hit me and I was like, "Oh, like >> and it hit me and I was like, "Oh, like this is chemical. This is definitely this is chemical. This is definitely this is chemical. This is definitely chemical because you've just had chemical because you've just had chemical because you've just had thousands of people shouting your name thousands of people shouting your name thousands of people shouting your name and like loving everything you say and and like loving everything you say and and like loving everything you say and all this validation and everything else all this validation and everything else all this validation and everything else as what you were saying when you were as what you were saying when you were as what you were saying when you were coming like the dopamine the everything coming like the dopamine the everything coming like the dopamine the everything >> and then all of a sudden I was like well >> and then all of a sudden I was like well >> and then all of a sudden I was like well wait a minute this feels weird like why wait a minute this feels weird like why wait a minute this feels weird like why do I feel like you know a sense of do I feel like you know a sense of do I feel like you know a sense of loneliness and it was really interesting loneliness and it was really interesting loneliness and it was really interesting because I felt like that pretty much the because I felt like that pretty much the because I felt like that pretty much the whole and I felt like calling someone. whole and I felt like calling someone. whole and I felt like calling someone. >> Yes. And I couldn't because in London it >> Yes. And I couldn't because in London it >> Yes. And I couldn't because in London it was too early. None of my friends would was too early. None of my friends would was too early. None of my friends would be awake. And so they're eight hours be awake. And so they're eight hours be awake. And so they're eight hours ahead because I'm in LA and I'm going ahead because I'm in LA and I'm going ahead because I'm in LA and I'm going >> I got to wait another hour for my friend >> I got to wait another hour for my friend >> I got to wait another hour for my friend to wake up. 2 hours. I'm not going to to wake up. 2 hours. I'm not going to to wake up. 2 hours. I'm not going to wake him up in the middle of the night. wake him up in the middle of the night. wake him up in the middle of the night. So I'm waiting there and then all my So I'm waiting there and then all my So I'm waiting there and then all my friends in LA were just at the event. So friends in LA were just at the event. So friends in LA were just at the event. So I just saw them and so they probably I just saw them and so they probably I just saw them and so they probably like going home and it was a week night like going home and it was a week night like going home and it was a week night and so maybe and I'm like I don't want and so maybe and I'm like I don't want and so maybe and I'm like I don't want to. And then I get home and my wife had to. And then I get home and my wife had to. And then I get home and my wife had organized this surprise party for me organized this surprise party for me organized this surprise party for me with all my best friends like closest with all my best friends like closest with all my best friends like closest friends in LA. friends in LA. friends in LA. >> Wow. Yeah. And it was like a relief. It >> Wow. Yeah. And it was like a relief. It >> Wow. Yeah. And it was like a relief. It wasn't even a celebration. I was like, wasn't even a celebration. I was like, wasn't even a celebration. I was like, there was a sense of relief. I was like, there was a sense of relief. I was like, there was a sense of relief. I was like, "Oh, thank God." Cuz I don't know what I "Oh, thank God." Cuz I don't know what I "Oh, thank God." Cuz I don't know what I don't know what I would have done don't know what I would have done don't know what I would have done tonight, man. Like, you know, I tonight, man. Like, you know, I tonight, man. Like, you know, I understand why people turn to drugs. I understand why people turn to drugs. I understand why people turn to drugs. I understand why people turn to I like it understand why people turn to I like it understand why people turn to I like it was the first time I was like was the first time I was like was the first time I was like >> because Yeah, you need to numb it. >> because Yeah, you need to numb it. >> because Yeah, you need to numb it. >> Yeah. You need to numb it because you >> Yeah. You need to numb it because you >> Yeah. You need to numb it because you just don't know what to do with that just don't know what to do with that just don't know what to do with that feeling. feeling. feeling. >> And that was the first time I'd felt >> And that was the first time I'd felt >> And that was the first time I'd felt that way. And I can't imagine, as you're that way. And I can't imagine, as you're that way. And I can't imagine, as you're saying, for someone who's on tour and saying, for someone who's on tour and saying, for someone who's on tour and traveling every night, traveling every night, traveling every night, >> my drug, as I said to you, my drug was >> my drug, as I said to you, my drug was >> my drug, as I said to you, my drug was chocolate. chocolate. chocolate. >> Oh, I love chocolate, too. >> Oh, I love chocolate, too. >> Oh, I love chocolate, too. >> That was like my I I couldn't It's like >> That was like my I I couldn't It's like >> That was like my I I couldn't It's like my team knew, my people knew. It's like my team knew, my people knew. It's like my team knew, my people knew. It's like I'll do the show and immediately, and I'll do the show and immediately, and I'll do the show and immediately, and you probably relate to this more you probably relate to this more you probably relate to this more because, you know, coming from the UK, because, you know, coming from the UK, because, you know, coming from the UK, in America, they don't really do it. In in America, they don't really do it. In in America, they don't really do it. In South Africa, South Africa, South Africa, >> our petrol stations, our gas stations, >> our petrol stations, our gas stations, >> our petrol stations, our gas stations, right, right, right, >> they have amazing stores attached to >> they have amazing stores attached to >> they have amazing stores attached to them. Like here, every gas station looks them. Like here, every gas station looks them. Like here, every gas station looks like it's already been robbed. You don't like it's already been robbed. You don't like it's already been robbed. You don't want to pour gas. I don't like it. It want to pour gas. I don't like it. It want to pour gas. I don't like it. It looks terrible. They all look abandoned, looks terrible. They all look abandoned, looks terrible. They all look abandoned, you know? you know? you know? >> Yeah. They all look like a ghost town. >> Yeah. They all look like a ghost town. >> Yeah. They all look like a ghost town. >> They really do. Whereas where we're >> They really do. Whereas where we're >> They really do. Whereas where we're from, it's like, oh, you go and you buy from, it's like, oh, you go and you buy from, it's like, oh, you go and you buy a pie, you buy some, you buy a few a pie, you buy some, you buy a few a pie, you buy some, you buy a few drinks like cooked. drinks like cooked. drinks like cooked. >> Exactly. It's like, oh, this is life. >> Exactly. It's like, oh, this is life. >> Exactly. It's like, oh, this is life. You can get some groceries. Although You can get some groceries. Although You can get some groceries. Although it's a very normal concept. it's a very normal concept. it's a very normal concept. >> And that would be me after every show. I >> And that would be me after every show. I >> And that would be me after every show. I would drive. There would be the silence. would drive. There would be the silence. would drive. There would be the silence. I couldn't listen to music. I couldn't I couldn't listen to music. I couldn't I couldn't listen to music. I couldn't My mind would just be It's like I could My mind would just be It's like I could My mind would just be It's like I could hear everybody, but they were gone. And hear everybody, but they were gone. And hear everybody, but they were gone. And then I would go in and then I would buy then I would go in and then I would buy then I would go in and then I would buy chocolate would be my thing. I it it it chocolate would be my thing. I it it it chocolate would be my thing. I it it it immediat and then I I you know over the immediat and then I I you know over the immediat and then I I you know over the years I would read and I'd started years I would read and I'd started years I would read and I'd started learning that you know chocolate the learning that you know chocolate the learning that you know chocolate the dopamine the sugar all of these things I dopamine the sugar all of these things I dopamine the sugar all of these things I was I was correcting a chemical thing was I was correcting a chemical thing was I was correcting a chemical thing without realizing it without realizing it without realizing it >> because it is a it is a shock on your >> because it is a it is a shock on your >> because it is a it is a shock on your body everyone nothing. body everyone nothing. body everyone nothing. >> Yeah. It's it's so fascinating that that >> Yeah. It's it's so fascinating that that >> Yeah. It's it's so fascinating that that that experience and and I'm sure people that experience and and I'm sure people that experience and and I'm sure people have that in different ways in their have that in different ways in their have that in different ways in their life like you don't have to be a life like you don't have to be a life like you don't have to be a performer thousands of people to performer thousands of people to performer thousands of people to experience that. I think people experience that. I think people experience that. I think people experienced that in lots of different experienced that in lots of different experienced that in lots of different ways. It's beautiful that you've been ways. It's beautiful that you've been ways. It's beautiful that you've been able to continue this 10 year WhatsApp able to continue this 10 year WhatsApp able to continue this 10 year WhatsApp chat. Like that's, you know, that's like chat. Like that's, you know, that's like chat. Like that's, you know, that's like a brilliant achievement. One of the a brilliant achievement. One of the a brilliant achievement. One of the biggest shifts we experience as we get biggest shifts we experience as we get biggest shifts we experience as we get older is realizing that not everyone older is realizing that not everyone older is realizing that not everyone needs to be in our inner circle and needs to be in our inner circle and needs to be in our inner circle and that's okay. As we grow, we start to see that's okay. As we grow, we start to see that's okay. As we grow, we start to see that when it comes to friendships, that when it comes to friendships, that when it comes to friendships, quality matters more than quantity. quality matters more than quantity. quality matters more than quantity. Mariana Huitt, content creator, Mariana Huitt, content creator, Mariana Huitt, content creator, entrepreneur, and co-founder of Summer entrepreneur, and co-founder of Summer entrepreneur, and co-founder of Summer Fridays, knows this firsthand. She's Fridays, knows this firsthand. She's Fridays, knows this firsthand. She's built a successful brand while also built a successful brand while also built a successful brand while also redefining what meaningful connections redefining what meaningful connections redefining what meaningful connections look like in both her personal and look like in both her personal and look like in both her personal and professional life. professional life. professional life. >> Let's hear her take on it. You talked >> Let's hear her take on it. You talked >> Let's hear her take on it. You talked about energy drainers and energy givers about energy drainers and energy givers about energy drainers and energy givers before. Walk us through that because I before. Walk us through that because I before. Walk us through that because I think everyone feels that whether it's think everyone feels that whether it's think everyone feels that whether it's people, places, projects, we all feel people, places, projects, we all feel people, places, projects, we all feel that certain people drain us, certain that certain people drain us, certain that certain people drain us, certain projects give us energy. Walk us through projects give us energy. Walk us through projects give us energy. Walk us through your version of that. your version of that. your version of that. >> Yeah, my energy drainers are saying yes >> Yeah, my energy drainers are saying yes >> Yeah, my energy drainers are saying yes to too many things. So saying no to me to too many things. So saying no to me to too many things. So saying no to me is what gives me energy. And I know that is what gives me energy. And I know that is what gives me energy. And I know that saying no might seem difficult at first, saying no might seem difficult at first, saying no might seem difficult at first, especially when you have opportunities especially when you have opportunities especially when you have opportunities that come to you and you want to say yes that come to you and you want to say yes that come to you and you want to say yes to everything. But saying yes to things to everything. But saying yes to things to everything. But saying yes to things I absolutely want to do has been so I absolutely want to do has been so I absolutely want to do has been so helpful. I am in a place now where I can helpful. I am in a place now where I can helpful. I am in a place now where I can say no because I feel like I worked hard say no because I feel like I worked hard say no because I feel like I worked hard in my 20s to get to where I am today in my 20s to get to where I am today in my 20s to get to where I am today that I have the ability to say no to that I have the ability to say no to that I have the ability to say no to things. But those nos also are important things. But those nos also are important things. But those nos also are important because it's gotten me to the jobs I because it's gotten me to the jobs I because it's gotten me to the jobs I want to do, the brands I want to work want to do, the brands I want to work want to do, the brands I want to work with. I think if you say yes to too many with. I think if you say yes to too many with. I think if you say yes to too many things, you might dilute yourself doing things, you might dilute yourself doing things, you might dilute yourself doing too many things. So saying yes to the too many things. So saying yes to the too many things. So saying yes to the things that are in alignment with the things that are in alignment with the things that are in alignment with the content you want to create, the brands content you want to create, the brands content you want to create, the brands you want to work with, the long-term you want to work with, the long-term you want to work with, the long-term goals you have for yourself personally goals you have for yourself personally goals you have for yourself personally and professionally. Um, other energy and professionally. Um, other energy and professionally. Um, other energy drainers that I have are not doing my drainers that I have are not doing my drainers that I have are not doing my morning routine and my evening routine. morning routine and my evening routine. morning routine and my evening routine. So, really setting myself up for the day So, really setting myself up for the day So, really setting myself up for the day sets me up for success. Um, I get up in sets me up for success. Um, I get up in sets me up for success. Um, I get up in the morning, I usually meditate, I the morning, I usually meditate, I the morning, I usually meditate, I gratitude journal, I do like a little gratitude journal, I do like a little gratitude journal, I do like a little stretch, I drink my water, and even like stretch, I drink my water, and even like stretch, I drink my water, and even like just a few things in the morning set me just a few things in the morning set me just a few things in the morning set me up because if I wake up and I just up because if I wake up and I just up because if I wake up and I just instantly start doing things, there's no instantly start doing things, there's no instantly start doing things, there's no time for me just like in myself to turn time for me just like in myself to turn time for me just like in myself to turn off. Um, and then I'm kind of just off. Um, and then I'm kind of just off. Um, and then I'm kind of just thinking all day long. Um, other energy thinking all day long. Um, other energy thinking all day long. Um, other energy drainers. Um, sometimes it's work and drainers. Um, sometimes it's work and drainers. Um, sometimes it's work and people. Um, and I know that that one's a people. Um, and I know that that one's a people. Um, and I know that that one's a really difficult one to have boundaries really difficult one to have boundaries really difficult one to have boundaries around because you maybe cannot control around because you maybe cannot control around because you maybe cannot control who you have to be around with work. Um, who you have to be around with work. Um, who you have to be around with work. Um, or people that you have to spend your or people that you have to spend your or people that you have to spend your time with. So, it's creating boundaries time with. So, it's creating boundaries time with. So, it's creating boundaries around those people and things to make around those people and things to make around those people and things to make you feel your best. So, maybe it's at you feel your best. So, maybe it's at you feel your best. So, maybe it's at work you don't sit next to that person work you don't sit next to that person work you don't sit next to that person or you, you know, focus on working on or you, you know, focus on working on or you, you know, focus on working on yourself when you're at work so you yourself when you're at work so you yourself when you're at work so you don't have to be near them too much don't have to be near them too much don't have to be near them too much because I know we can't always like because I know we can't always like because I know we can't always like eliminate energy drainers in our life. eliminate energy drainers in our life. eliminate energy drainers in our life. And if it's someone in our life And if it's someone in our life And if it's someone in our life personally, it's difficult. But as I've personally, it's difficult. But as I've personally, it's difficult. But as I've gotten older, I realize, okay, this gotten older, I realize, okay, this gotten older, I realize, okay, this person and this friend is draining my person and this friend is draining my person and this friend is draining my energy. When I'm around them, I don't energy. When I'm around them, I don't energy. When I'm around them, I don't feel great. I don't feel better after I feel great. I don't feel better after I feel great. I don't feel better after I left them. I almost feel more drained left them. I almost feel more drained left them. I almost feel more drained just being around them. And so, I can just being around them. And so, I can just being around them. And so, I can love you from a distance. I still love love you from a distance. I still love love you from a distance. I still love you. I still like you, but I don't have you. I still like you, but I don't have you. I still like you, but I don't have to spend a lot of time with you. And to spend a lot of time with you. And to spend a lot of time with you. And that's okay. I can support you from that's okay. I can support you from that's okay. I can support you from afar, but I know that if I'm around you, afar, but I know that if I'm around you, afar, but I know that if I'm around you, I don't feel my best. And I want more of I don't feel my best. And I want more of I don't feel my best. And I want more of those energy givers in my life. Like, those energy givers in my life. Like, those energy givers in my life. Like, who do I hang out with and I feel better who do I hang out with and I feel better who do I hang out with and I feel better after I leave them? like who makes me after I leave them? like who makes me after I leave them? like who makes me feel happier and whole, motivated, feel happier and whole, motivated, feel happier and whole, motivated, energized, and I always love being energized, and I always love being energized, and I always love being around you cuz whenever I see you, you around you cuz whenever I see you, you around you cuz whenever I see you, you make us feel so great. You're such a make us feel so great. You're such a make us feel so great. You're such a great friend. Our friend Audrey is great friend. Our friend Audrey is great friend. Our friend Audrey is another one of them. another one of them. another one of them. >> I was going to say Audrey. The first >> I was going to say Audrey. The first >> I was going to say Audrey. The first person that came to my mind was Audrey. person that came to my mind was Audrey. person that came to my mind was Audrey. I was like, Audrey, she's amazing. We I was like, Audrey, she's amazing. We I was like, Audrey, she's amazing. We love you, Audrey. love you, Audrey. love you, Audrey. >> We love you, Audrey. And she really is >> We love you, Audrey. And she really is >> We love you, Audrey. And she really is one of those people where you want to be one of those people where you want to be one of those people where you want to be around people who are good like that. around people who are good like that. around people who are good like that. You want people who make you feel your You want people who make you feel your You want people who make you feel your best. And so, as I've gotten older, it's best. And so, as I've gotten older, it's best. And so, as I've gotten older, it's less about quantity of friends, it's less about quantity of friends, it's less about quantity of friends, it's quality of friends. And I choose to quality of friends. And I choose to quality of friends. And I choose to spend time with the people in my life spend time with the people in my life spend time with the people in my life who give me energy and make me feel my who give me energy and make me feel my who give me energy and make me feel my best because if you notice that after best because if you notice that after best because if you notice that after you leave a friend and maybe you're a you leave a friend and maybe you're a you leave a friend and maybe you're a little bit tired or drained or you're little bit tired or drained or you're little bit tired or drained or you're just like wo when you left them like just like wo when you left them like just like wo when you left them like it's okay to start like phasing out it's okay to start like phasing out it's okay to start like phasing out people and love them from afar. people and love them from afar. people and love them from afar. >> Yeah, I couldn't agree more with that. I >> Yeah, I couldn't agree more with that. I >> Yeah, I couldn't agree more with that. I saw this tweet that said my circle has saw this tweet that said my circle has saw this tweet that said my circle has shrunk in size but increased in value shrunk in size but increased in value shrunk in size but increased in value and and I think that that's the mindset and and I think that that's the mindset and and I think that that's the mindset that you're sharing there and I think that you're sharing there and I think that you're sharing there and I think that's something people struggle with. I that's something people struggle with. I that's something people struggle with. I think we feel guilty because we feel think we feel guilty because we feel think we feel guilty because we feel like we're leaving friends behind or we like we're leaving friends behind or we like we're leaving friends behind or we feel bad because we feel people are feel bad because we feel people are feel bad because we feel people are going to think we're better than them. going to think we're better than them. going to think we're better than them. Like when you move on from a group, Like when you move on from a group, Like when you move on from a group, you're often worried about the you're often worried about the you're often worried about the perception that those group of people perception that those group of people perception that those group of people are going to think oh Jay or Mariana are going to think oh Jay or Mariana are going to think oh Jay or Mariana think that they're better. And it's like think that they're better. And it's like think that they're better. And it's like well you're not leaving because you well you're not leaving because you well you're not leaving because you think you're better. You're leaving think you're better. You're leaving think you're better. You're leaving because you want to be better and you because you want to be better and you because you want to be better and you want to grow. I how do how have you kind want to grow. I how do how have you kind want to grow. I how do how have you kind of outgrown of outgrown of outgrown groups or do you feel you've generally groups or do you feel you've generally groups or do you feel you've generally had a group that's grown with you but or had a group that's grown with you but or had a group that's grown with you but or have you had to let go of have you had to let go of have you had to let go of >> friendships, relationships and things >> friendships, relationships and things >> friendships, relationships and things like that? like that? like that? >> I have a core like five people who have >> I have a core like five people who have >> I have a core like five people who have been with me for like over a decade. So been with me for like over a decade. So been with me for like over a decade. So these are like that's impressive. these are like that's impressive. these are like that's impressive. >> These are constants in my life like >> These are constants in my life like >> These are constants in my life like Audrey we met in 2006 so that's like 16 Audrey we met in 2006 so that's like 16 Audrey we met in 2006 so that's like 16 years ago. So we've been friends for a years ago. So we've been friends for a years ago. So we've been friends for a very long time. So it's like I have this very long time. So it's like I have this very long time. So it's like I have this core group of people who are very core core group of people who are very core core group of people who are very core to who I am. They know me in my personal to who I am. They know me in my personal to who I am. They know me in my personal life. this is who I want to spend my life. this is who I want to spend my life. this is who I want to spend my time with. Like it's not about content time with. Like it's not about content time with. Like it's not about content or online or anything. It's just like or online or anything. It's just like or online or anything. It's just like who do I want to sit on my couch with who do I want to sit on my couch with who do I want to sit on my couch with like scroll on my phone or watch TV or like scroll on my phone or watch TV or like scroll on my phone or watch TV or just hang out with and those people are just hang out with and those people are just hang out with and those people are really important to me. I have a lot of really important to me. I have a lot of really important to me. I have a lot of acquaintances and people that we know acquaintances and people that we know acquaintances and people that we know just from work and being around people just from work and being around people just from work and being around people and I just know like I don't have to be and I just know like I don't have to be and I just know like I don't have to be overly close with a lot of people and overly close with a lot of people and overly close with a lot of people and that's okay. And I think a lesson that I that's okay. And I think a lesson that I that's okay. And I think a lesson that I learned now in my 30s was that a smaller learned now in my 30s was that a smaller learned now in my 30s was that a smaller circle is fine. In my 20s, I think you circle is fine. In my 20s, I think you circle is fine. In my 20s, I think you move to Los Angeles, you want to make move to Los Angeles, you want to make move to Los Angeles, you want to make all these friends, you want to be around all these friends, you want to be around all these friends, you want to be around all these people. And then I'm like, all these people. And then I'm like, all these people. And then I'm like, wait, I don't feel great when I'm around wait, I don't feel great when I'm around wait, I don't feel great when I'm around them. I don't feel like myself. I feel them. I don't feel like myself. I feel them. I don't feel like myself. I feel like I'm trying to have to be someone like I'm trying to have to be someone like I'm trying to have to be someone I'm not or prove to them that I'm I'm not or prove to them that I'm I'm not or prove to them that I'm something. And I don't want to do those something. And I don't want to do those something. And I don't want to do those things. Like, I want to be truly who I things. Like, I want to be truly who I things. Like, I want to be truly who I am authentically. And as I got into my am authentically. And as I got into my am authentically. And as I got into my 30s, I realized it's okay that my circle 30s, I realized it's okay that my circle 30s, I realized it's okay that my circle is smaller. Like, it's okay to have is smaller. Like, it's okay to have is smaller. Like, it's okay to have these people who I know love me and are these people who I know love me and are these people who I know love me and are there for me no matter what. And then there for me no matter what. And then there for me no matter what. And then everyone else is a bonus. everyone else is a bonus. everyone else is a bonus. >> Yeah, absolutely. And I love that you >> Yeah, absolutely. And I love that you >> Yeah, absolutely. And I love that you did that. Like I think if we started did that. Like I think if we started did that. Like I think if we started seeing our relationships as degrees of seeing our relationships as degrees of seeing our relationships as degrees of connection as opposed to like friends connection as opposed to like friends connection as opposed to like friends and not friends, it becomes a lot easier and not friends, it becomes a lot easier and not friends, it becomes a lot easier to know how much time and how much to know how much time and how much to know how much time and how much energy to give someone. We all know that energy to give someone. We all know that energy to give someone. We all know that staying active and eating well are key staying active and eating well are key staying active and eating well are key to a long healthy life. to a long healthy life. to a long healthy life. >> But what if the real secret isn't just >> But what if the real secret isn't just >> But what if the real secret isn't just personal discipline, but the people we personal discipline, but the people we personal discipline, but the people we surround ourselves with? Research shows surround ourselves with? Research shows surround ourselves with? Research shows our social circles shape our habits more our social circles shape our habits more our social circles shape our habits more than we think. Dan Butner, National than we think. Dan Butner, National than we think. Dan Butner, National Geographic Fellow, best-selling author, Geographic Fellow, best-selling author, Geographic Fellow, best-selling author, and founder of The Blue Zones, has spent and founder of The Blue Zones, has spent and founder of The Blue Zones, has spent years studying the world's longest years studying the world's longest years studying the world's longest living communities. He's here to share living communities. He's here to share living communities. He's here to share how connection, competition, and how connection, competition, and how connection, competition, and collaboration can shape our well-being. collaboration can shape our well-being. collaboration can shape our well-being. Let's listen in. I actually have one of Let's listen in. I actually have one of Let's listen in. I actually have one of my little social groups from Los Angeles my little social groups from Los Angeles my little social groups from Los Angeles here. I used to live here. Um, I still here. I used to live here. Um, I still here. I used to live here. Um, I still have four people and I hardly know I've have four people and I hardly know I've have four people and I hardly know I've seen them once in my life, but every day seen them once in my life, but every day seen them once in my life, but every day we email each other our weight and it we email each other our weight and it we email each other our weight and it kind of keeps us uh doing it. We we kind of keeps us uh doing it. We we kind of keeps us uh doing it. We we we're accountable to somebody and every we're accountable to somebody and every we're accountable to somebody and every one of us our weight has gone down a one of us our weight has gone down a one of us our weight has gone down a little bit over the last decade or so. little bit over the last decade or so. little bit over the last decade or so. And for the average American male in 10 And for the average American male in 10 And for the average American male in 10 years, you can expect to gain an extra years, you can expect to gain an extra years, you can expect to gain an extra 10 years. So even among my little focus 10 years. So even among my little focus 10 years. So even among my little focus group, we've been it's worked really group, we've been it's worked really group, we've been it's worked really quite well. quite well. quite well. >> Competition and collaboration together >> Competition and collaboration together >> Competition and collaboration together are really fascinating. are really fascinating. are really fascinating. >> Really? Yeah. Yeah. Powerful. Yeah. It's >> Really? Yeah. Yeah. Powerful. Yeah. It's >> Really? Yeah. Yeah. Powerful. Yeah. It's why pickle ball works for me. It's it's why pickle ball works for me. It's it's why pickle ball works for me. It's it's also why I think I have so many people I also why I think I have so many people I also why I think I have so many people I know do 10,000 step challenges within know do 10,000 step challenges within know do 10,000 step challenges within their family and most of those people their family and most of those people their family and most of those people are walking way over 10,000 steps simply are walking way over 10,000 steps simply are walking way over 10,000 steps simply because they're trying to beat someone because they're trying to beat someone because they're trying to beat someone in their family. And then everyone's in their family. And then everyone's in their family. And then everyone's average is growing up. And so I think average is growing up. And so I think average is growing up. And so I think that making something competitive and that making something competitive and that making something competitive and collaborative is is the genius of the collaborative is is the genius of the collaborative is is the genius of the social network, the fitness, the fun in social network, the fitness, the fun in social network, the fitness, the fun in life. Like so much of it comes from life. Like so much of it comes from life. Like so much of it comes from that. And I think we've lost that. One that. And I think we've lost that. One that. And I think we've lost that. One of the strategies we deploy in our of the strategies we deploy in our of the strategies we deploy in our cities, it it's an idea we took from cities, it it's an idea we took from cities, it it's an idea we took from Okinawa, uh the notion of a moai, a Okinawa, uh the notion of a moai, a Okinawa, uh the notion of a moai, a committed social circle, and we'll get committed social circle, and we'll get committed social circle, and we'll get four or 500 people to show up to a gym. four or 500 people to show up to a gym. four or 500 people to show up to a gym. Uh we'll have them circle up according Uh we'll have them circle up according Uh we'll have them circle up according to what neighborhood they live in. We to what neighborhood they live in. We to what neighborhood they live in. We ask them a bunch of questions about um ask them a bunch of questions about um ask them a bunch of questions about um you know, are they religious, what their you know, are they religious, what their you know, are they religious, what their favorite food is, what they listen for favorite food is, what they listen for favorite food is, what they listen for music, and have them look at each other music, and have them look at each other music, and have them look at each other as these questions are being answered. as these questions are being answered. as these questions are being answered. And then we have them self- select in And then we have them self- select in And then we have them self- select in groups of five people. And a lot of groups of five people. And a lot of groups of five people. And a lot of these people are completely lonely. And these people are completely lonely. And these people are completely lonely. And once they self- select in these once they self- select in these once they self- select in these clusters, we call them mois. We have clusters, we call them mois. We have clusters, we call them mois. We have them give themselves a name. And then we them give themselves a name. And then we them give themselves a name. And then we organize them around walking together. organize them around walking together. organize them around walking together. This everybody can walk together. And This everybody can walk together. And This everybody can walk together. And then we offer a little prize at the end then we offer a little prize at the end then we offer a little prize at the end of 10 weeks. What happens during that 10 of 10 weeks. What happens during that 10 of 10 weeks. What happens during that 10 weeks is not only are these people weeks is not only are these people weeks is not only are these people walking a lot more than they normally walking a lot more than they normally walking a lot more than they normally would, they're creating a social network would, they're creating a social network would, they're creating a social network or a social circle around walking that or a social circle around walking that or a social circle around walking that that uh in many cases we know about 60% that uh in many cases we know about 60% that uh in many cases we know about 60% are still around four years later. are still around four years later. are still around four years later. >> So, as you were starting to to latch on >> So, as you were starting to to latch on >> So, as you were starting to to latch on to, it's the power of uh collaboration, to, it's the power of uh collaboration, to, it's the power of uh collaboration, but creating a social circle around a but creating a social circle around a but creating a social circle around a healthy behavior that's what's going to healthy behavior that's what's going to healthy behavior that's what's going to last and that's what's going to matter last and that's what's going to matter last and that's what's going to matter over time. Absolutely. I wanted to over time. Absolutely. I wanted to over time. Absolutely. I wanted to quickly jump back to diet and food quickly jump back to diet and food quickly jump back to diet and food because there's this great technique because there's this great technique because there's this great technique that you have and you meth mentioned and that you have and you meth mentioned and that you have and you meth mentioned and this was popular in parts of India that this was popular in parts of India that this was popular in parts of India that were teaching it from this perspective were teaching it from this perspective were teaching it from this perspective as well that the method you spoke about as well that the method you spoke about as well that the method you spoke about was being eight out of 10 full when was being eight out of 10 full when was being eight out of 10 full when you're eating and when we were trained you're eating and when we were trained you're eating and when we were trained about that when we'd hear about it from about that when we'd hear about it from about that when we'd hear about it from a from an eastern or vadic perspective a from an eastern or vadic perspective a from an eastern or vadic perspective the idea of how breath is part of the idea of how breath is part of the idea of how breath is part of feeling full and so food is not the only feeling full and so food is not the only feeling full and so food is not the only thing that your stomach is full on was thing that your stomach is full on was thing that your stomach is full on was how I was introduced to that idea of how I was introduced to that idea of how I was introduced to that idea of being 7/10 full or 8/10 full and the being 7/10 full or 8/10 full and the being 7/10 full or 8/10 full and the rest would be covered by breath. Of rest would be covered by breath. Of rest would be covered by breath. Of course, there's water as well. Walk us course, there's water as well. Walk us course, there's water as well. Walk us through that idea of how we can all stop through that idea of how we can all stop through that idea of how we can all stop eating at 8/10 full because I think most eating at 8/10 full because I think most eating at 8/10 full because I think most of us wait till 10 10 or 12. of us wait till 10 10 or 12. of us wait till 10 10 or 12. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. >> Yeah. So, so it it has its roots in >> Yeah. So, so it it has its roots in >> Yeah. So, so it it has its roots in Confucious. The Okinowans have this Confucious. The Okinowans have this Confucious. The Okinowans have this saying harachibu which is a reminder to saying harachibu which is a reminder to saying harachibu which is a reminder to stop eating when their stomachs are 80% stop eating when their stomachs are 80% stop eating when their stomachs are 80% full. And they'll say that like a prayer full. And they'll say that like a prayer full. And they'll say that like a prayer before a meal. So instead of saying before a meal. So instead of saying before a meal. So instead of saying grace or whatever that it's a reminder. grace or whatever that it's a reminder. grace or whatever that it's a reminder. I believe though much of it is actually I believe though much of it is actually I believe though much of it is actually done uh at the table. They they tend to done uh at the table. They they tend to done uh at the table. They they tend to pre-plate their foods and put the pre-plate their foods and put the pre-plate their foods and put the leftovers away at the uh beginning of leftovers away at the uh beginning of leftovers away at the uh beginning of the meal instead of the end when you you the meal instead of the end when you you the meal instead of the end when you you might be mindlessly eating. They don't might be mindlessly eating. They don't might be mindlessly eating. They don't have a TV so they're not mindlessly have a TV so they're not mindlessly have a TV so they're not mindlessly eating to their favorite television eating to their favorite television eating to their favorite television show. They're they're sitting around show. They're they're sitting around show. They're they're sitting around with friends slowing the meal down. It with friends slowing the meal down. It with friends slowing the meal down. It takes about 20 minutes from the full takes about 20 minutes from the full takes about 20 minutes from the full feeling to travel from your belly to feeling to travel from your belly to feeling to travel from your belly to your brain. And if you're wolfing your your brain. And if you're wolfing your your brain. And if you're wolfing your food down, if you're not breathing, like food down, if you're not breathing, like food down, if you're not breathing, like you say, not drinking water, uh there's you say, not drinking water, uh there's you say, not drinking water, uh there's a pretty good chance you're going to a pretty good chance you're going to a pretty good chance you're going to overeat before you know it. Building a overeat before you know it. Building a overeat before you know it. Building a business with your friends sounds like a business with your friends sounds like a business with your friends sounds like a dream, right? But as success grows, so dream, right? But as success grows, so dream, right? But as success grows, so do the challenges. How do you protect do the challenges. How do you protect do the challenges. How do you protect those relationships while navigating the those relationships while navigating the those relationships while navigating the pressures of making tough decisions, pressures of making tough decisions, pressures of making tough decisions, leading with clarity, and scaling a leading with clarity, and scaling a leading with clarity, and scaling a company? To shed light on this, we have company? To shed light on this, we have company? To shed light on this, we have Brian Chesy, co-founder and CEO of Brian Chesy, co-founder and CEO of Brian Chesy, co-founder and CEO of Airbnb. He's built one of the most Airbnb. He's built one of the most Airbnb. He's built one of the most recognizable brands in the world while recognizable brands in the world while recognizable brands in the world while staying grounded in the relationships staying grounded in the relationships staying grounded in the relationships that started it all. Let's hear his that started it all. Let's hear his that started it all. Let's hear his insights. I'm intrigued. You said insights. I'm intrigued. You said insights. I'm intrigued. You said something there that really stood out to something there that really stood out to something there that really stood out to me. You said that the happiest thing and me. You said that the happiest thing and me. You said that the happiest thing and the best thing about being successful is the best thing about being successful is the best thing about being successful is that you get to choose the people you that you get to choose the people you that you get to choose the people you worked with. You obviously built this worked with. You obviously built this worked with. You obviously built this with friends. with friends. with friends. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And that's how it started. It started in >> And that's how it started. It started in >> And that's how it started. It started in a place of being around people you love a place of being around people you love a place of being around people you love with. What was the biggest point of with. What was the biggest point of with. What was the biggest point of challenge in building something with challenge in building something with challenge in building something with people you love as you grow it? And what people you love as you grow it? And what people you love as you grow it? And what is it that you experienced? And what was is it that you experienced? And what was is it that you experienced? And what was the biggest lesson that you took away the biggest lesson that you took away the biggest lesson that you took away that actually kept it going? Because I that actually kept it going? Because I that actually kept it going? Because I can imagine as you're describing highs can imagine as you're describing highs can imagine as you're describing highs and lows, all of this change for 16 and lows, all of this change for 16 and lows, all of this change for 16 years, but here you are still building years, but here you are still building years, but here you are still building it together. it together. it together. >> Think about how many stories you heard >> Think about how many stories you heard >> Think about how many stories you heard of founders. It's like a band. They come of founders. It's like a band. They come of founders. It's like a band. They come together and then eventually the band together and then eventually the band together and then eventually the band breaks up and people don't stay breaks up and people don't stay breaks up and people don't stay together. They resent each other. Maybe together. They resent each other. Maybe together. They resent each other. Maybe things end very ugly. It's like a band things end very ugly. It's like a band things end very ugly. It's like a band except like it becomes so much bigger except like it becomes so much bigger except like it becomes so much bigger than a band because it's not just the than a band because it's not just the than a band because it's not just the three of you. Imagine a band that starts three of you. Imagine a band that starts three of you. Imagine a band that starts three people and ends as 3,000 people. three people and ends as 3,000 people. three people and ends as 3,000 people. And that amount of pressure, the amount And that amount of pressure, the amount And that amount of pressure, the amount of spotlight, the money, the changes in of spotlight, the money, the changes in of spotlight, the money, the changes in like people's status and positioning, it like people's status and positioning, it like people's status and positioning, it can do a lot to break people up. But can do a lot to break people up. But can do a lot to break people up. But also unlike a band where maybe not to also unlike a band where maybe not to also unlike a band where maybe not to say you just have to agree on like where say you just have to agree on like where say you just have to agree on like where you perform and what you sing with a you perform and what you sing with a you perform and what you sing with a company you have to agree on like who company you have to agree on like who company you have to agree on like who we're going to hire, what we're going to we're going to hire, what we're going to we're going to hire, what we're going to call, what markets we're going to go call, what markets we're going to go call, what markets we're going to go into, what's the prioritization, like into, what's the prioritization, like into, what's the prioritization, like who we're going to raise money for. I who we're going to raise money for. I who we're going to raise money for. I can go down the list of like the can go down the list of like the can go down the list of like the thousands of things you have to agree thousands of things you have to agree thousands of things you have to agree to. And with Joe, Nate and I, I often to. And with Joe, Nate and I, I often to. And with Joe, Nate and I, I often say it's really good to start a company say it's really good to start a company say it's really good to start a company with friends. Not everyone has friends with friends. Not everyone has friends with friends. Not everyone has friends to start a company with, but you want to start a company with, but you want to start a company with, but you want that reservoir of goodwill. And we made that reservoir of goodwill. And we made that reservoir of goodwill. And we made a decision. The decision was that no one a decision. The decision was that no one a decision. The decision was that no one decision is going to supersede our decision is going to supersede our decision is going to supersede our friendship and our relationship. That friendship and our relationship. That friendship and our relationship. That we're never going to have we'll debate, we're never going to have we'll debate, we're never going to have we'll debate, we'll argue, but we'll never allow a we'll argue, but we'll never allow a we'll argue, but we'll never allow a situation where winning an argument is situation where winning an argument is situation where winning an argument is the most important thing. Because if you the most important thing. Because if you the most important thing. Because if you think about a company as a 100,000 think about a company as a 100,000 think about a company as a 100,000 decisions, it could also be 100,000 decisions, it could also be 100,000 decisions, it could also be 100,000 arguments. And if you get stuck on the arguments. And if you get stuck on the arguments. And if you get stuck on the first debate or you like somebody won a first debate or you like somebody won a first debate or you like somebody won a debate, okay, great. You have 99,999 debate, okay, great. You have 99,999 debate, okay, great. You have 99,999 more things to discuss. And so the more things to discuss. And so the more things to discuss. And so the lesson I learned is I mean first of all lesson I learned is I mean first of all lesson I learned is I mean first of all Jay I was lucky and a lot of people when Jay I was lucky and a lot of people when Jay I was lucky and a lot of people when I say I was lucky they think oh you were I say I was lucky they think oh you were I say I was lucky they think oh you were at the right place the right time with at the right place the right time with at the right place the right time with the right idea and I said well maybe but the right idea and I said well maybe but the right idea and I said well maybe but there's something I was much luckier there's something I was much luckier there's something I was much luckier about and what I was most lucky about about and what I was most lucky about about and what I was most lucky about what what made me most fortunate was I what what made me most fortunate was I what what made me most fortunate was I met Joe and Nate that we had this met Joe and Nate that we had this met Joe and Nate that we had this unbelievable chemistry one time we had unbelievable chemistry one time we had unbelievable chemistry one time we had to do like some personality test. It was to do like some personality test. It was to do like some personality test. It was like one of those core wheels and we like one of those core wheels and we like one of those core wheels and we took this like personality test to see took this like personality test to see took this like personality test to see about our chemistry and they plotted our about our chemistry and they plotted our about our chemistry and they plotted our like personalities and they formed a like personalities and they formed a like personalities and they formed a perfect equilateral triangle. Not always perfect equilateral triangle. Not always perfect equilateral triangle. Not always you going to find people that are you going to find people that are you going to find people that are perfect compliments to you. I'd say a perfect compliments to you. I'd say a perfect compliments to you. I'd say a couple things. Number one, you want to couple things. Number one, you want to couple things. Number one, you want to have a team with people that you are have a team with people that you are have a team with people that you are friends with or could see yourself friends with or could see yourself friends with or could see yourself becoming friends with, that you have a becoming friends with, that you have a becoming friends with, that you have a deep love and respect for, that you're deep love and respect for, that you're deep love and respect for, that you're going to probably spend more time with going to probably spend more time with going to probably spend more time with your co-founders than your spouse or your co-founders than your spouse or your co-founders than your spouse or your family if it goes well. If it your family if it goes well. If it your family if it goes well. If it doesn't go well, then maybe not. But doesn't go well, then maybe not. But doesn't go well, then maybe not. But that's the best case scenario that that's the best case scenario that that's the best case scenario that people that have shared values because people that have shared values because people that have shared values because you can debate anything so long as you can debate anything so long as you can debate anything so long as you're trying to climb the same mountain you're trying to climb the same mountain you're trying to climb the same mountain and the same belief system. If you have and the same belief system. If you have and the same belief system. If you have different values, eventually those going different values, eventually those going different values, eventually those going to become irreconcilable conflicts. But to become irreconcilable conflicts. But to become irreconcilable conflicts. But you probably also want complimentary you probably also want complimentary you probably also want complimentary skills. The worst case is people with skills. The worst case is people with skills. The worst case is people with different values and same skills, right? different values and same skills, right? different values and same skills, right? We do the same job. We step in each We do the same job. We step in each We do the same job. We step in each other's tolls and we're trying to go in other's tolls and we're trying to go in other's tolls and we're trying to go in a different direction. And so I think a different direction. And so I think a different direction. And so I think and then I think the final thing is just and then I think the final thing is just and then I think the final thing is just this mutual love and respect and never this mutual love and respect and never this mutual love and respect and never losing sight. You know, one of the losing sight. You know, one of the losing sight. You know, one of the things I tried to make sure of is like things I tried to make sure of is like things I tried to make sure of is like even as CEO, I wanted to try to make even as CEO, I wanted to try to make even as CEO, I wanted to try to make sure that like Joe and Nate, you know, sure that like Joe and Nate, you know, sure that like Joe and Nate, you know, were included in things and we I wanted were included in things and we I wanted were included in things and we I wanted to always make sure that people referred to always make sure that people referred to always make sure that people referred to us together. We thought of us as a as to us together. We thought of us as a as to us together. We thought of us as a as a as a unit. When we when I like went a as a unit. When we when I like went a as a unit. When we when I like went public, you write a founders letter and public, you write a founders letter and public, you write a founders letter and a lot of people write the letter and a lot of people write the letter and a lot of people write the letter and they just signed the name of the CEO. I they just signed the name of the CEO. I they just signed the name of the CEO. I made sure that it was from all of us and made sure that it was from all of us and made sure that it was from all of us and was representing all of us. I feel like was representing all of us. I feel like was representing all of us. I feel like they are the heart and the soul of the they are the heart and the soul of the they are the heart and the soul of the company and it's like you know parents company and it's like you know parents company and it's like you know parents like you know not every child has the like you know not every child has the like you know not every child has the fortune to have multiple parents not fortune to have multiple parents not fortune to have multiple parents not every company has the fortune to have every company has the fortune to have every company has the fortune to have multiple founders but if they're multiple founders but if they're multiple founders but if they're together and they're not fighting and together and they're not fighting and together and they're not fighting and they have a mutual love and respect for they have a mutual love and respect for they have a mutual love and respect for another that's going to permeate the another that's going to permeate the another that's going to permeate the company just like it permeates the company just like it permeates the company just like it permeates the health of a child and Joe and I and I health of a child and Joe and I and I health of a child and Joe and I and I kind of thought ourselves as parents in kind of thought ourselves as parents in kind of thought ourselves as parents in the company as a child I'd never have the company as a child I'd never have the company as a child I'd never have had kids but you know there's something had kids but you know there's something had kids but you know there's something about that and I think who you are and about that and I think who you are and about that and I think who you are and that relationship permeates every single that relationship permeates every single that relationship permeates every single thing. If the founders fight, the thing. If the founders fight, the thing. If the founders fight, the employees fight, if they have respect employees fight, if they have respect employees fight, if they have respect for one another, that is going to be a for one another, that is going to be a for one another, that is going to be a role, a model that other people role, a model that other people role, a model that other people throughout the organization are going to throughout the organization are going to throughout the organization are going to copy. And that's what I've learned from copy. And that's what I've learned from copy. And that's what I've learned from that. We all crave a sense of security, that. We all crave a sense of security, that. We all crave a sense of security, not just physically, but emotionally. not just physically, but emotionally. not just physically, but emotionally. One of the greatest forms of protection One of the greatest forms of protection One of the greatest forms of protection comes from knowing that the people comes from knowing that the people comes from knowing that the people around us truly see us, understand us, around us truly see us, understand us, around us truly see us, understand us, and have our backs. But as life gets and have our backs. But as life gets and have our backs. But as life gets busier, careers grow, and challenges busier, careers grow, and challenges busier, careers grow, and challenges arise, friendships often take a arise, friendships often take a arise, friendships often take a backseat. How do we make sure we don't backseat. How do we make sure we don't backseat. How do we make sure we don't lose those connections along the way? lose those connections along the way? lose those connections along the way? Actress and entrepreneur Lala Anthony Actress and entrepreneur Lala Anthony Actress and entrepreneur Lala Anthony has built an incredible career while has built an incredible career while has built an incredible career while staying deeply connected to her inner staying deeply connected to her inner staying deeply connected to her inner circle. She shares her perspective on circle. She shares her perspective on circle. She shares her perspective on maintaining meaningful friendships maintaining meaningful friendships maintaining meaningful friendships through every season of life. Let's hear through every season of life. Let's hear through every season of life. Let's hear her perspective. Last time you came, we her perspective. Last time you came, we her perspective. Last time you came, we were tracking your whole career journey. were tracking your whole career journey. were tracking your whole career journey. Like you've done, you've hustled, you've Like you've done, you've hustled, you've Like you've done, you've hustled, you've worked hard, you've done so much to get worked hard, you've done so much to get worked hard, you've done so much to get to where you are today. And I want to to where you are today. And I want to to where you are today. And I want to get to that. But for me, as I've been on get to that. But for me, as I've been on get to that. But for me, as I've been on this journey, I've been reflecting on this journey, I've been reflecting on this journey, I've been reflecting on what's changed over time what's changed over time what's changed over time >> as my external situations changed and >> as my external situations changed and >> as my external situations changed and what makes me feel protected. And you what makes me feel protected. And you what makes me feel protected. And you use that word protection. And I've use that word protection. And I've use that word protection. And I've realized that of course we have to have realized that of course we have to have realized that of course we have to have our internal protection of how we feel our internal protection of how we feel our internal protection of how we feel about ourselves, our confidence, our own about ourselves, our confidence, our own about ourselves, our confidence, our own practices. But I found that the thing practices. But I found that the thing practices. But I found that the thing that makes me feel the most protected that makes me feel the most protected that makes me feel the most protected >> is knowing the people around me who >> is knowing the people around me who >> is knowing the people around me who really know me really know me really know me >> and how much closer we get through that >> and how much closer we get through that >> and how much closer we get through that process. Like I have to take so much process. Like I have to take so much process. Like I have to take so much strength in the fact that the people strength in the fact that the people strength in the fact that the people around me not only do they have my back around me not only do they have my back around me not only do they have my back >> but they actually know me and understand >> but they actually know me and understand >> but they actually know me and understand me at a core and I kind of take a lot of me at a core and I kind of take a lot of me at a core and I kind of take a lot of energy from that. Do you do the same? energy from that. Do you do the same? energy from that. Do you do the same? >> I take so much energy from that. I'm >> I take so much energy from that. I'm >> I take so much energy from that. I'm like the people who know they know. The like the people who know they know. The like the people who know they know. The people that I need to depend on, they're people that I need to depend on, they're people that I need to depend on, they're always there. I'm blessed to have an always there. I'm blessed to have an always there. I'm blessed to have an amazing family, amazing group of friends amazing family, amazing group of friends amazing family, amazing group of friends that are like ride or die that I know that are like ride or die that I know that are like ride or die that I know are there no matter what. And it's are there no matter what. And it's are there no matter what. And it's something that I don't take lightly. So, something that I don't take lightly. So, something that I don't take lightly. So, it's not about proving to the world it's not about proving to the world it's not about proving to the world anything. Like, if my core group gets anything. Like, if my core group gets anything. Like, if my core group gets it, knows me inside and out, knows my it, knows me inside and out, knows my it, knows me inside and out, knows my ups, knows my downs, and are there for ups, knows my downs, and are there for ups, knows my downs, and are there for me, that's the energy I pull from as me, that's the energy I pull from as me, that's the energy I pull from as well. well. well. >> I want to talk to you about friendship. >> I want to talk to you about friendship. >> I want to talk to you about friendship. I think a lot of people feel quite even I think a lot of people feel quite even I think a lot of people feel quite even when you're close friends when you're close friends when you're close friends >> and I'm sure you felt this. It's hard to >> and I'm sure you felt this. It's hard to >> and I'm sure you felt this. It's hard to open up about things that are going open up about things that are going open up about things that are going wrong in your life. And I think a lot of wrong in your life. And I think a lot of wrong in your life. And I think a lot of people who are listening or watching people who are listening or watching people who are listening or watching that's something that they can relate to that's something that they can relate to that's something that they can relate to where it's like where it's like where it's like >> I have my friends but I don't know how >> I have my friends but I don't know how >> I have my friends but I don't know how to tell them to tell them to tell them >> that I'm going through this or I know >> that I'm going through this or I know >> that I'm going through this or I know they'd care about me but I don't want they'd care about me but I don't want they'd care about me but I don't want them to feel sorry for me or maybe them to feel sorry for me or maybe them to feel sorry for me or maybe they're going through so much stuff that they're going through so much stuff that they're going through so much stuff that I don't want to put my stuff on them. I don't want to put my stuff on them. I don't want to put my stuff on them. How have you managed to keep strong How have you managed to keep strong How have you managed to keep strong relationships as you've grown in life, relationships as you've grown in life, relationships as you've grown in life, as you've built your career? How have as you've built your career? How have as you've built your career? How have you managed to keep that core instead of you managed to keep that core instead of you managed to keep that core instead of losing it as you get more busy? losing it as you get more busy? losing it as you get more busy? >> I think that my friendships have gotten >> I think that my friendships have gotten >> I think that my friendships have gotten even stronger because of those moments. even stronger because of those moments. even stronger because of those moments. I don't base my friendships off of, you I don't base my friendships off of, you I don't base my friendships off of, you know, this person has only been around know, this person has only been around know, this person has only been around when everything's been great or we only when everything's been great or we only when everything's been great or we only talk about sunshine and flowers and talk about sunshine and flowers and talk about sunshine and flowers and cupcakes. Like friends have to be there cupcakes. Like friends have to be there cupcakes. Like friends have to be there through everything and you have to be through everything and you have to be through everything and you have to be able to be okay with being raw and real able to be okay with being raw and real able to be okay with being raw and real with people that you consider your with people that you consider your with people that you consider your friend and don't throw that word around friend and don't throw that word around friend and don't throw that word around lightly. If you're saying this is my lightly. If you're saying this is my lightly. If you're saying this is my friend, this is my go-to, you should be friend, this is my go-to, you should be friend, this is my go-to, you should be able to share whatever's happening in able to share whatever's happening in able to share whatever's happening in your life, whether it's good or bad. And your life, whether it's good or bad. And your life, whether it's good or bad. And those are the things that bond you, you those are the things that bond you, you those are the things that bond you, you know, through those. I remember the know, through those. I remember the know, through those. I remember the friends that were there for me when I friends that were there for me when I friends that were there for me when I was going through my divorce, when I was was going through my divorce, when I was was going through my divorce, when I was publicly, you know, going through what I publicly, you know, going through what I publicly, you know, going through what I was going through as a result of what was going through as a result of what was going through as a result of what happened in my marriage. Like I remember happened in my marriage. Like I remember happened in my marriage. Like I remember my friends that were there. I remember my friends that were there. I remember my friends that were there. I remember when my son was really young and had to when my son was really young and had to when my son was really young and had to have surgery and who was there in that have surgery and who was there in that have surgery and who was there in that moment. Like I remember all of that and moment. Like I remember all of that and moment. Like I remember all of that and those were the strengthening moments of those were the strengthening moments of those were the strengthening moments of our friendship. Now the fun stuff is our friendship. Now the fun stuff is our friendship. Now the fun stuff is great too. I remember my friends who've great too. I remember my friends who've great too. I remember my friends who've been on vacation with me and got drunk been on vacation with me and got drunk been on vacation with me and got drunk and had a great time. But it's a and had a great time. But it's a and had a great time. But it's a balance. You know, the real friendships balance. You know, the real friendships balance. You know, the real friendships had a mix of all of that stuff because had a mix of all of that stuff because had a mix of all of that stuff because that's what life is. Life is not always that's what life is. Life is not always that's what life is. Life is not always just fun and games. Life is up and down just fun and games. Life is up and down just fun and games. Life is up and down and up and down. That that's that's what and up and down. That that's that's what and up and down. That that's that's what life is. life is. life is. >> Adult friendships aren't just about >> Adult friendships aren't just about >> Adult friendships aren't just about who's been around the longest. They're who's been around the longest. They're who's been around the longest. They're about trust and the people who truly about trust and the people who truly about trust and the people who truly show up, who understand you, and grow show up, who understand you, and grow show up, who understand you, and grow with you. If there's one thing these with you. If there's one thing these with you. If there's one thing these conversations make clear, it's that conversations make clear, it's that conversations make clear, it's that strong friendships don't just happen. strong friendships don't just happen. strong friendships don't just happen. They take honesty, effort, and the They take honesty, effort, and the They take honesty, effort, and the courage to be vulnerable. And in a world courage to be vulnerable. And in a world courage to be vulnerable. And in a world that often pulls us in so many different that often pulls us in so many different that often pulls us in so many different directions, prioritizing connection directions, prioritizing connection directions, prioritizing connection isn't just important, it's essential. I isn't just important, it's essential. I isn't just important, it's essential. I hope this episode gave you a fresh hope this episode gave you a fresh hope this episode gave you a fresh perspective on what it takes to build perspective on what it takes to build perspective on what it takes to build and maintain meaningful connections. If and maintain meaningful connections. If and maintain meaningful connections. If something resonated with you, share it something resonated with you, share it something resonated with you, share it with a friend who needs to hear it. I'll with a friend who needs to hear it. I'll with a friend who needs to hear it. I'll see you next time on OnPurpose. see you next time on OnPurpose. see you next time on OnPurpose. Remember, I'm forever in your corner and Remember, I'm forever in your corner and Remember, I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you. Hey everyone, if always rooting for you. Hey everyone, if always rooting for you. Hey everyone, if you love that conversation, go and check you love that conversation, go and check you love that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading out my episode with the world's leading out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Lori Gotautle, where she therapist, Lori Gotautle, where she therapist, Lori Gotautle, where she answers the biggest questions that answers the biggest questions that answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to people ask in therapy when it comes to people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and love, relationships, heartbreak, and love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying to figure out dating. If you're trying to figure out dating. If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to that space right now, you won't want to that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation. miss this conversation. miss this conversation. >> If it's a romantic relationship, hold >> If it's a romantic relationship, hold >> If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It hands. It's really hard to argue. It hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. actually calms your nervous systems. actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the Just hold hands as you're having the Just hold hands as you're having the conversation.