Dr. Becky Kennedy Explains What Kids Actually Need to Feel Confident

Key Takeaway

Today, practice the “good bench of feelings” when your child is upset: resist correcting, fixing, or distracting them. Instead say three lines: “I’m so glad you’re talking to me about this,” “I believe you,” and “Tell me more.” Your job is not to make the feeling disappear; it is to show that you can stay connected while it exists. This builds a child’s capacity to tolerate disappointment rather than escape it.

Episode Overview

Dr. Becky Kennedy and Jay Shetty explore how parents can pair emotional validation with firm, non-aggressive limits. They discuss repair after yelling, why tantrums often signal a real boundary, how chores and real-world responsibility build capability, and why helping children tolerate discomfort creates resilience.

Full Transcript

Transcript of Dr. Becky Kennedy Explains What Kids Actually Need to Feel Confident from On Purpose. Auto-generated from episode audio; may contain minor errors.

You said we went from ignoring what children feel to letting their feelings dictate what we do as parents. Yes. Yes. Tell me about it. Yes, I think naming this overcorrection is really helpful because yes, decades ago, I mean, it probably still is in some families, right? It's, I don't know, let's say a version of "I don't want to go to Aunt Sally's." "I don't care if you want to go to Aunt Sally's. Smile, put your shoes on, or else." And then there are some consequences, right?

Okay, it would be "I don't care about your feelings . I'm not listening to you. I'm not really connecting. I'm telling you what to do . I'm leading with control." And I think there's a generation of people who say, "That didn't sit well with me." Know? And we also know that emotions and learning to understand and manage them cannot be learned . You feel like you can't be disappointed when you're a child, how might you handle disappointment as an adult? Therefore, it 's not really the way to strengthen resilience, is it?

But yes, what I have noticed is something completely overcorrected that I would say is just as bad for children. The same situation. I don't want to go to Aunt Sally's today. It's very boring. I want to hang out with my friends. Okay, you know what? And then fill in the blank space. I'll look for a nanny. I'll stay home. Oh, let me call three different people and, you know, see what you can do. And there are many examples of this. I don't want to leave the playground.

Okay, well, I guess we'll stay in the playground longer . And I'm not saying I'm against parental flexibility . Sometimes, of course, we can be flexible. But we have gone from not caring about children's emotions to being afraid of their emotions. That's why we let them take the lead . That's why we let our children's emotions take control. And I think what we stand for at Good Inside is something that's notably in the middle. It is very important to see your children's feelings as real. That's what it's all about.

That's what validation is all about. It's a process of telling another person that they may not feel the same way you do, but that what you feel is real and that I'm interested in knowing about it. I think that's very important. Oh, you don't want to go to Sally's house. I understand. Would you rather stay home watching the basketball game on TV? I understand you perfectly. And then I think there's a well-placed point that's part of our job. Empathizing with a child's feelings is only half of your job as a parent.

The other half is setting a real limit. It's what I consider authority without aggression, which is rarely modeled, but is important; it's a version of us committing to going to Aunt Sally's as a family. And the truth is that there are many things we all have to do that are not at the top of our agenda and are even a little boring. This is one of those things. It's okay to complain along the way. I know that when we get there you'll be able to pull yourself together .

It's not going to be your most fun Saturday, but we'll get through it as a family. Okay, what kind of music do you want to listen to in the car? Yes. Why is it so hard for us? Why is it so difficult to do it as parents? Raising children is the last job in the world where we glorify only instinct . We haven't been taught how to connect with my son, but also how to set limits , right? It would be like telling a surgeon to operate without having studied medicine.

That's what we do to the parents. So it's very hard being at home with a baby. Yes, literally. I wanted to ask you about that point because you talk about the idea that parents aren't perfect. Yes. But be good at repairs. Yes. Which I really appreciate as an idea because I think we all want to do it perfectly the first time, and that's our instinct. And as you said, the natural instinct, even if we want to make it perfect like a wish, the natural instinct in any of those circumstances is to act, to shout, yell, shout, instruct, direct, dictate.

And you gave some really good, but also very real, anecdotal examples. Tell me about what parents do instinctively. So that we simply normalize the fact that it's okay because nobody will get it right the first time. And then tell me how you fixed that given one of those types of scenarios like going to Aunt Sally's or yelling in the playground or Great. Repair is undoubtedly the most important parenting strategy. I would say that repair is the most important relationship strategy because I think everything we talked about on Good Inside is so relevant in a romantic relationship or at work, with oneself, in any relationship.

So let's begin with this desire to be perfect. I think this is especially true for mothers. Honestly, I don't hear it that much from parents. And I think this goes back to many gender roles. I think many of us were raised to be "good girls," which I now put in quotes because I realize that being a "good girl" just means being trained to look outward and figure out what everyone in the world wants from you, and to distance yourself as much as possible from looking inward and figuring out what you might want for yourself.

That's really what it means. How can I please you? Yes, how can I please you? How can I meet your needs even before you have them? I can tell you're nervous, you're about to get angry. I also know you like this type of drink, so I'm going to make you a nice tea and bring it to you. Sure, you look everywhere and meet everyone's needs all the time. TRUE? And I think many girls learn that that's where their courage lay. And I think that's precisely where they feel safest, right?

When I do the right thing for others. Now we have raising children, right? People often ask me if the perfect father exists. Are you the perfect father? I'm definitely not a perfect father. There is no such thing as a perfect father, and I mean that I don't even think it's good for a child to have a perfect father, because the dynamic you establish with your child , the relationship with your child, is the foundation of any relationship they have later. I know it's hard, but it's true, so I'll say it.

The nature of the relationship you develop with your child will also affect who they are attracted to in adulthood, because we are attracted to what makes us feel at home. Yes. For better or for worse, it's a natural attraction. Yes. Therefore, I don't think any of us would consider it adaptive for a child to reach adolescence. Who is that person who is perfectly in tune with my needs all the time? I'm sure you and your wife don't have that kind of relationship . Definitely not mine and mine, right?

Yes, definitely not. Ideally, you would have someone who is in tune with your needs most of the time. And he takes responsibility when he doesn't, he doesn't manipulate you, he doesn't throw you under the bus, and he doesn't blame you for his reaction. Yes. And it fixes it. Yes. And so, if we like to play with that, right? Yes, we are human, not robots . We have our own emotional life , our own triggers, and whether it's Aunt Sally's party or being lied to, or even, you know, it's like the end of the night, I think it's a classic, and I know it happens to me.

"Ugh, chicken for dinner? This is disgusting ." And it's as if everything you've done during the day, all the moments you've felt invisible, and all the other things that have happened that have nothing to do with your child, all overflow into your bucket of difficult moments that you've had to contain, and you explode with your child. " You're so ungrateful. You know what you mean? Kids all over the world would say, you know, whatever we say." We lectured them: "You're a spoiled brat." And we often say it in a frightening tone.

And it's scary in part because our children need us to survive. Then they say, "Wait, the father I need to survive has just become a terrifying father I'm distant from. It's a lot to handle." So I would say that's the breaking point. And I know this is the moment when people listening say, "Yes, that's it. I'm a monster. I've ruined my child forever." Those are two different things. Having a breakup moment doesn't define who you are, it doesn't define your future, and it doesn't dictate your entire relationship.

Yelling at children ruins them far less than yelling at them and not making amends afterward. Actually, not repairing it is what is really difficult because then the children are left alone with this intense set of feelings. They are confused and need to figure out how to feel safe again. What can I do to move forward? And if we do n't give children a story to make amends, they often invent a story, and it's usually a story of self-blame because that's all they have. I'm a bad boy, it must be my fault.

When you make repairs with your child, you actually manage to do something magical. I always tell parents that you actually manage to rewrite the ending of that chapter. Mhm. Because instead of that chapter in your children's book being: "I complained about dinner and let out my dad's scary voice and went to my room and felt lonely and really shaky." If you imagine that as the end of a chapter, then you go in and write and then my mother comes in. Mhm. And she says: "I'm sorry I yelled.

It's never your fault when I yell. I'm working on controlling my feelings so I can respond more calmly even when I'm frustrated. I love you." In fact, it changes the way the memory lives in your body. That combination, boundaries and empathy, is always magical to me . Yes, it was funny. I was thinking I was seeing my son running towards me and saying, "Go away." I have to interview Dr. Becky Kennedy on the podcast about how to be a good parent. "It's like, 'That's the no,' and I appreciate that because for me it's just...and it's really reassuring to hear it because I feel like that's just having good, healthy adult conversations.

That's what it's all about. It provides context and gives perspective on why, what, and where we are. It's not just something like, ' Hey, I don't have time right now.'" "I'm doing something really important." There's validation from them, but there's also validation from yourself, and again , they might not react well to that. Maybe when you go back downstairs they'll say, "I'm not going to do anything else." Right? It's like saying, "That's right." "I don't care anymore." It's like saying, "It's done." "It's broken." I don't know.

The Lego tower is broken. Or, again, like when I set some of the boundaries I'm really proud of with my son, let's take another example, right? For example, my son is watching TV and the show is over, and I've told him he can watch that episode and it's over, and I have the remote because that's the point. It's like, if we leave our kid with the remote and are surprised to have power struggles, they shouldn't have the remote, right? Because, of course, they'll want to watch more.

They're good TV-addicted kids just like the rest of us. But let's say the end comes and my kids say, " One more, one more." Maybe for some reason I've decided that it's really over for tonight. That's okay. This is like solid leadership in action. I can say, "Look, I get it ." It's very difficult to stop watching television. Honestly, I find it difficult too. It's designed to make you feel like you're not enough. " Do you want to watch the next episode?" Something like that. Or, well, you wish you could watch another one.

Keep it simple. Next part , and that's it for TV time. Actually, I have the remote. I'm going to turn it off. I get it. That's annoying . If I do that in my house, I'm afraid, and it's a fear that people who hear me will think I do it, and my kids will stand up and applaud. And say, " That was excellent parenting, Mom." I'm so lucky to have you. "You 're protecting me from technology and validating my feelings." That's something that has never happened.

Actually, what's important for parents to know is that when you set a real boundary—and I'm happy to talk about this because I think people don't quite understand boundaries—but when you set a real boundary, especially if your child isn't used to it, your child always responds the same way. With a tantrum. Every single time. That's your great reward as a parent. It's like you're saying, "I just did what I had to do, and this is what's next." Where's the confetti? There's no confetti . Okay, but if you know that your child's tantrum is a sign that you've set a real boundary, you react to it a lot less.

Because subconsciously, we think that the child's tantrum indicates that we're doing a bad job as parents. Yes. Our children's tantrums are often a sign that we've set a boundary, and they're upset about it. Which means we can do the next part of our job. We can validate, "Oh, I know." You wish you were an adult and could decide how many TV shows you want to watch. But you better, even if I say that, I'm not turning the TV on again . I'm not going to. That's not going to happen.

Boundary, they get mad, we can validate, we maintain the boundary again and again. Yes. And where's any emotional hugging? Is there any affection or is it ...? Yeah, I guess every kid is different. So, one of my kids might really want that. Oh, I know. It sucks. Come here. Yes. You know, and I'm hugging you, right? Because that's what happens in the best relationships, right? Where if I... I don't know if I'd be making bad choices for myself, even as an adult. I do n't know, I'm at a party, I see you, and then I'm like, "Jay, I hate you." "Your podcast is garbage." And my husband was there.

I expected him to pick me up, take me away, and sit with me in a room. Not because that was something he would do to me, but because it was something he would do for me. And then maybe even there I would say, "I've had a bad day." And he would say, "I know." Yes. You had a bad time at Jay's party. It wasn't your best moment, was it? So yes, maybe he's hugging you. Another of my children will say, "Stay away from me." And maybe I'll stay where I am and say nothing because my quiet presence is the version of connection she might want, right?

So I think that's what I really love about Good Inside, and what I see in our members, is that they say, "I love that they've taken the principles, and then taken their unique knowledge, their unique values, their unique awareness of what's going on, and applied it in a way that feels totally their own." " Yes, I agree. I think the challenge we've created is that we believe effective communication is when you get the perfect reaction. Yes. And I don't think that's true as a parent or as an adult or in any capacity because it's not .

You communicate something in a truly exceptionally effective way, and the reaction isn't a direct answer to whether you communicated effectively or not. We think that if the child clapped or there was confetti or they turned around and said, ' Okay, Mom, I'm going to bed,' we think it's a good day, right ? So, it's almost this idea, and this also applies to marriage. You almost feel that when the person just responds by saying, 'You're amazing.'" Well done "." Or even if it 's not so direct, we see the idea that I do everything you tell me as a sign of good communication.

I see it very similarly in many parents and I think this is perhaps the most important thing we love to help change. We use our children's behavior or reactions as a barometer to know if we are good parents. And we get lost in the process because we are too busy looking outward instead of inward. What is one version of looking inward? Is this a decision I believe in? Do I feel like I'm truly being a good leader? Do I feel like this is a decision that maybe isn't just for today, but for, you know, every now and then when we have the energy, a decision that really helps our child become the kind of teenager and adult we want them to be?

You know, the other day I heard this story from a father. It was really interesting. It was a kind of classic public crisis , wasn't it? Birthday party. Her son just wanted to sit next to the child at the birthday party. I understand. This is very important. Sitting next to the birthday person is very important. It's pizza time , because everyone eats pizza on their birthdays. Her son had to go to the bathroom. And she said, "This isn't going to be okay because I know that after he goes to the bathroom, that seat next to my son's elbow will disappear." He disappeared.

OK? Major public crisis. Everyone knows I was meant to have that seat. I need that seat. Meanwhile, I was thinking about this child's party. I see this lack of solidity so often. I see I 'm making up this name. Nora, Nora, we don't shout at other people's birthday parties. I mean , it's really sad to witness because children need us to embody our authority. I would say it's about authority without aggression, something that nowadays almost feels like a real oxymoron. It is rarely modeled, but it is authority without aggression .

Now, this mother was telling me this story and said, "You know, it's interesting. Several months ago, we had a family dinner. My daughter had a serious meltdown. It was the worst day of my week. I felt like I had failed miserably as a mother. She said, ' This is crazy.'" I knew exactly what to do. I picked her up. I told her: 'Nora, I'm going to pick you up. I'm going to take you to the car. We won't be able to end this birthday party today.

You are a good girl who is going through a difficult time. You 're not in trouble. I'm going to help you get through this. His daughter said, 'No, give me another chance.' But she was very ill, so I took her to the car. They left. They arrived home. And she said to me, 'Isn't it strange that that was my victory as a mother?' "I just thought it was so beautiful. I don't think it's weird. I don't think it's weird at all. For me, the biggest wins we have in parenting and in many aspects of life are when we go from ' my job is to avoid all the turbulence' to knowing exactly what to do in the turbulence.

And when you know what to do in the turbulence, which takes practice, learning, support, and never being perfect, you actually feel stronger for having piloted a plane through that storm and landed safely instead of the anxiety of thinking, 'I just have to avoid...' Oh, yes, we do feel so fragile when we do that. You said earlier that it's not your job to make your children happy. Which applies to what you're saying right now . Yes. So what is the job of parents? I always tell parents to tell me what their job is.

Forget about whether they can do it well. What is their job?' All parents will look at me like I have no idea. Yes. And then I think about offices. I imagine someone coming in On the first day of work, the boss tells the person, "Do a good job." The person replies, " But I don't have a job description." I definitely need to know what my job is. Mhm. "If I'm going to do it right." That's why I think any parent who hears this will think, "That's true." What is my job?

"If you don't know, then there's immense clarity. Forget about trying to do it right; we just need clarity on the foundation. Absolutely. That's why I believe a parent always has two jobs in almost every situation. And I'll define one of them, which we haven't mentioned yet: setting boundaries and validating your children's emotions. And they go hand in hand . Setting boundaries is something many people misunderstand. I'll share my definition of boundaries, which is just as applicable to adults as it is to children. Boundaries are something you tell someone you will do, and they require the other person not to do anything.

Hmm. We often say, 'This person doesn't respect my boundaries.' To me, with all due respect, that's usually a sign that someone has the wrong definition of a boundary because you 're giving all your power away to the other person. Yes. That's why I often ask parents, 'Well, what do you mean by your child not listening?'" "Yes. I live in New York City. It's like my child. And I always say, 'When you touch the elevator buttons, don't touch them.'" "Don't touch all the buttons." And then my son goes and presses all the buttons .

He doesn't respect my boundaries. He has listening problems. Now, if you have a child like one of mine, who doesn't want to please others at all, it's going to take him a little longer than other children to control his impulses, okay? A boundary isn't not touching the button. Is that something I'm telling my son I'll do? No. Does it require my son to do nothing? No, I 'm giving all my power to my 4-year-old. A boundary would be saying, " Hey, when we get in the elevator, I'm going to stand between you and the buttons." I know it's fun to press the button, honey.

It's simply not something I'm going to allow. And yes, even if you try to get it , I'm going to block you ." It's true. It's not something I'm doing to my son. I'm doing it for him, so I don't let him feel like a child out of control. And this is important, so I don't get so frustrated that I end up yelling random punishments that I have no intention of carrying out anyway. No dessert tonight. And then I say, "Actually, you can have dessert." I don't even care.

"I don't want you to have a tantrum." That's what we do. So that's part of our job, setting real boundaries. Another great example of this is my son taking the iPad when it's not time to use it. The first thing I say when I ask is, "How?" And they say, "What do you mean, ' how'? He just grabs it." If it's not time to use the iPad, why does your son have access to where it is? I would set a wordless boundary. It's not, "Hey, don't touch the iPad in the kitchen ." Sorry.

I'm going to speak for myself. If my phone is in a room and someone tells me not to look at it, yeah, you're looking at it, yeah. It's not like I don't have a good success rate. Those things are very addictive, okay? And I have more self-control than my 5-year-old, right? A boundary would be saying, "Hey, from now on, just so you know, the iPad is going to be completely out of your reach and sight." It's not because I don't trust you, it's because those things They're made to draw your whole body toward them.

It really wasn't fair of me to put it somewhere... Mhm... and ask you not to get it. So, it'll just stay out until it's iPad time. When I'm done, it'll turn off, and then I'll put it back in that spot. Done. That's part of our job. The other part of our job is connecting with our kids . It's seeing our kids' feelings as real without letting those feelings overwhelm us. That's really important. People think that validating a child's emotions means agreeing with their emotions. It doesn't .

My son is eating a sandwich. He always likes it cut into rectangles. These things matter. And I cut it into rectangles. And today is the day my son says, "I needed a triangle." Right? Whatever. Now, for me, I know intellectually, it's kind of crazy. I actually thought about how to cut it. I cut it into a rectangle. That's how you usually like it. But I don't have to agree. Who knows what it's all about? Really? Validation would just be you wishing I were in a triangle today.

Or, wow, this feels awful. Wow, it looks like the grilled cheese sandwich isn't even going to be good when it's cut this way. People often assume that if I do that, it means I'm making a new grilled cheese sandwich . Depending on the day, if I want to, maybe I will, or maybe I won't because I'm setting a boundary. But validation is simply seeing another person's experience as something real to them. And I think when you think about those two things, boundaries and validation, the reason they're so important is that I deeply believe children are always asking two questions.

Am I safe? And our boundaries answer that. And am I real? Because children have very intense feelings. I mean , you and I have intense feelings. And the fascinating thing about feelings is that when you fall and scrape your knee, you see blood. So you think, "Ouch, that hurts." But then you often have some representation of what it's really like. Well , I'm bleeding, or I have a bruise. Feelings are They're very unique. They're such visceral sensations that run through your body without any outward manifestation.

There's no blood test that tells you you're angry. That's very confusing for children. And part of what happens to children when they feel intense emotions is that sometimes we take the bait too hard on the specific thing that's bothering them. What they're really trying to figure out, which is the basis of trust, is whether the things I perceive and feel in my body are real. Because I have to know if they're real before I learn how to manage them. I think a lot of people believe that their job is to make their children good people or successful.

Or to do well or to be able to survive in the real world as they grow up. Would you say I'm safe and that I'm real? I love those questions. Would you say that boundaries and validation will help almost achieve all of those things at the same time? That's a beautiful question because I guess I often get caught up in things like, "Okay, what is my job right now?" "And I think what you mean is something like, ' What is my goal for my child?'" " I have these goals for my children.

I want them to be resilient, which really means I want them to be able to face challenges and know they can bounce back from difficult things. I want them to be able to tolerate discomfort, not avoid it or look for the quickest way out. I want my child to feel truly comfortable in their body. I want my child to feel secure , which for me has nothing to do with feeling good about yourself . It's really about self-confidence , so it comes down to feeling that your feelings are real and feeling that you perceive your feelings better than other people do.

Yes, I think, of course, there are many more nuances, but generally, setting boundaries, staying connected with your child by validating their emotions—there are other things too, right? Supporting them in their struggle, not rescuing them, asking yourself often: Am I still doing things for my child that they can start learning to do for themselves? How can I gradually step back ? How can I prepare my child to be capable and not fragile? Sure, there are other things, but..." In general, yes, I think boundaries and validation, when combined, work.

That's what creates truly resilient adults. I agree with you, and I've never heard it put that way before, and I really like it, because I think sometimes when we think, "Well, I want to have kind children," we try to be a model of kindness for them. But the problem is if kindness has no boundaries or validation, or if kindness feels like validation without boundaries. That's right. And then they don't receive kindness because they do n't know what self-kindness looks like, and they just see the martyr or self-sacrificing version of kindness, in quotes.

And that's an inaccurate form of kindness. Now they think kindness means I'll do things for people even if they exploit me, abuse me, or have no understanding whatsoever. So they don't become kind people; they become someone that people take advantage of. I think that's really poignant. Yes. Right? And you know, it's true. I think this thing that people say casually, like when I'm at a dinner party or Something like that, someone says, "Don't you want your children to be happy?" "And I always imagine my husband saying, 'Becky, please don't mess it up.'" That was just a passing comment.

Don't do it. This is incredible. I love it. Don't be a spoilsport, okay? And then, half the time I listen, the other half I say, "Actually, that's not what you want." Everyone says, " What?" And I say, "I'm sorry, I can't help it." "Well, but again, we love as humans, and we hear someone say, 'No, that's not true.' And then people say to me, 'Do you want your children to be unhappy?' Obviously not. Again, there's a lot in between. But here's the thing about optimizing happiness in childhood.

I strongly believe, and I've seen it time and time again, that the more you optimize happiness in childhood, the more you predispose someone to anxiety in adulthood. Let me explain. Let's take a situation that happens often, and then I'll zoom out, but I think stories matter. Please, yes. I'm the only one in my class who can't read. My son comes home and says this. This is... First of all, let me say this is very painful. As a parent, seeing your child suffer, yes. It's very painful.

I think a lot of our instinct is, 'Let me make my child happy.' Right?" And so , I think an image helps a lot here because it explains why we don't want to make them happy, and it explains both resilience and anxiety. So, the way I want someone to imagine this is that their child is wandering around a garden, and there are benches in this garden. Many of them . And right now he's on the bench of " I'm the only one who can't read." But I think you and I, Jay, know that's not really the bank.

The bench is like that— I see people who can do things I can't. Hmm. I either feel jealous, or I feel less. And the truth is, that's a bench you'll sit on at various times throughout the rest of your life. Yeah, that feeling that everyone else can read better than me is something you'll feel in college, at work. Yeah. Or maybe it's that I didn't get invited to, you know, someone's birthday party . You know what? You're going to...I'm not included in something. I don't have that popular belonging.

For the rest of your life. So, if I imagine my child on this bench, I think as parents we often have two instincts. First , we try to convince our child that their bench isn't their bench. That can't be true. You can't be the only one who still doesn't read. Even though our child is telling us that, right? Which, over time, if that's the pattern, creates a lot of self-doubt . Oh, maybe other people know how to perceive my world better than I know how to perceive this world All in the name of trying not to make my son feel uncomfortable.

Or we see a sunny bench on that side of the yard and think, "Come on, you're an awesome lacrosse player." "You're the fastest kid, but you're an amazing artist." And all of that may be true. But if you think about what anxiety is, I don't think it's so much a feeling as a way of running away from a feeling. It's like the experience of not wanting to feel the way I feel right now. Hmm. So a child is building their body, understanding how the world works, and understanding in infancy which feelings and experiences are tolerable and which are intolerable.

The latter become anxiety. So, " Mom, I'm the only one who can't read ." And I'm like, "Oh, that's not true." Or , you know, I just fix it right away, or I throw them a party to distract them. So, what does my child learn in their body? That they felt disappointed, inferior. And what children connect afterward is our response. And what comes after that is escape into happiness, escape into distraction. And if we think about this bench, my child is sitting on this bench; and I think we're all , in those moments, looking for someone to sit next to us.

side. Because the thing is, if my parents can sit on this bench with me, it can't be as awful as I think it is. Literally, it can't be . If they take me out of there or try to convince me it's not true, what they 're really saying is, you feel upset, but I can't connect with the part of you that feels that way. I can't do that. That's very scary for a child, because they think, "I guess this is really bad." And then, in the name of making our child happy, what we're really doing is developing a whole host of emotions that our children learn are intolerable.

And if we think about what anxiety is later on, in a way, okay, let's say this child later on. And again, I'm not... This isn't an intervention. These would be many, many patterns, right? But whenever a child is upset, optimize happiness. Optimize happiness. I think at a certain age we realize that it's different for everyone—14, 18, 30, 50, whatever— and It's just that when I'm really upset about something and things don't go my way, there isn't always an escape route to happiness. For example, when I get fired from my job, I'm not going to be happy in an hour.

And I mean that. I guess if I get into drugs, I'll be happy right away. I mean, maybe if I have something else, but feelings don't work that way. Yeah. And there's no one who hasn't given me a new job. So, when I get to those tough times in adult life, either I've developed the ability to deal with feelings, or I'm so used to always expecting happiness that, ironically, the way I feel my distress is even more intense because the gap is so wide, right? It's like the light of distress is switched on, and I always expected it to go completely off.

I don't even have a dimmer switch anymore. Just turning it on is awful, and I need it to go off. When I think about what that means, I like to give parents an alternative. My son says I'm the only one in my class who can't read. In fact, I think there are three lines because I like to create. Yes, that can really embody the idea of ​​what I'm saying, as we always say, a good bench of feelings. Sit on the bench . Sit on the bench.

And you become a benchwarmer, right? So, the first one is simply, "I'm so glad you're talking to me about this." This is also very powerful in marriage. Or at work, you know. Hey, I feel like you've been on your phone a lot, and I do n't know, I'm feeling very disconnected. Imagine if the first thing your partner says back is, "I'm so glad you're talking to me about this." What you 're actually saying in a sense of deep attachment is that the part of you that feels that way is attached to me.

I'm sitting with you. I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. Yes, they were handing out books, and everyone got chapter books, and I got this picture book for babies. Oh. The second line, the ultimate source of trust, is simply "I believe you." We can talk more about that. I think those are the three most important phrases in parenting. Often, I just believe you. And the third one is going to sound very unsophisticated, but it's very powerful: just tell me more. Tell me more. Oh, yeah, and then, and then it was like, I was in a one- person book group and my friends were in this other book group, and the amazing thing that happens 99% of the time is, I'm so glad you told me about this.

I believe you . Tell me more. So your child tells you the story. What you 're really saying is, I'm on the bench with you. I'm not afraid of this bench. I don't need to take you to a sunny bench. I'm here. How bad can a bench be if I'm willing to sit on it? I'm not going to let us both self-destruct. I'm here. And then, what happens 99% of the time in this picture is that your child gets up off the bench before you do.

Literally, it's like I've seen it a million times. often. My children say, "Oh, can I eat that snack now?" "And I say, ' Sorry, what?'" "Oh, okay. Like you just want to know that I can tolerate it, that I can be with you on this. And then, what we do to their body isn't related to the story because the story is just a representation of a feeling— disappointment, jealousy, shame, whatever—it has a bit more of a container and a home. So, the next time a child feels that feeling, it won't be as frightening as it would be in a home.

And if you think of your body as all these jars of feelings—and this is the irony about happiness—the more jars we have to hold different parts of our distress, the more room there is for happiness. Anyway. I felt like my parents were very comfortable making us do chores from a very young age. And I remember ironing my shirts for school from about 13 years old. And then my sister and I had a routine after dinner where one of us would wash the dishes or wipe the table, and the other would wipe the table and wash the dishes.

And I felt like those were healthy routines that we knew were blocked and that We hated doing it. I never liked doing it . Ironing made me a little proud, and I still am . We used to iron, not with steam, and now I've learned to use steam since moving to this country, but this idea that I didn't like washing dishes or cleaning the table... it was just part of our routine. Yes. What is the value of discipline, even when you hate it? And what early chores are healthy and useful?

I think this is a very important conversation. And you actually said something I say often. You beat me to it. First of all, there is immense value in children spending time doing things they don't like. Hmm. I think especially now, and I'm not trying to say I'm always above this, but we've somehow moved into this world where we 're always optimizing for each child. It's really interesting, even when weekends are split up. Like, taking this child here, this child there. Sometimes we do that too. It's necessary, but almost unconsciously we don't realize that I'm always optimizing things for my children's enjoyment.

I remember the time one of my sons said, " What? Do I have to go to my brother's soccer game?" "He's not even good at football." Which was true. He wasn't that good. Right? And that was the moment I thought, "Actually, that's exactly why you're going." The weekend is not about optimizing your personal pleasure every second. It's good for you to go and be bored. It's good for you even if you could have a date to play and sit and watch. That is very important to be a good human being.

And it reminds me of the time my son said, "Folding clothes is boring. Why do we have to do this?" And I found myself saying this. I simply thought, " You know what? To be a good human being , you just have to do things that are sometimes boring and unpleasant." I don't know, but I think it's true. It's true. I do n't have a better way to say it. Simply. And my son said, "Oh." Oh, I...I was kind of impressed. Like , you know, nobody had ever said that before.

Yes. It's like...Well, the fact that you had a childhood where there was a built-in routine of things that were mundane. Yes. Largely unpleasant. You can make them pleasant. Put on some music, do things. We try to do that at home. But, actually, I think it's a relief for a parent. Oh, I don't have to make my children's lives amazing all the time. Returning to the feeling of having a right. It's like an individualistic and relatively privileged view of the world to move forward. It's like I should spend 99% of my waking hours doing things I want to do and that give me pleasure.

Now, do I think you should dedicate some time to it? Yes, what? But the idea that you spend part of your childhood doing things that are good for the family, that have more to do with being there for your sister, right? I think that's very important. But what it means is tolerating anguish and tolerating rejection and tolerating complaints. There are many complaints. Now, the other reason why I think chores are important is that they allow you to feel useful. It is one of the most important things we do for our children when they only dedicate time to doing the things they want to do.

In reality, they have no impact on the real world. For example, picking up the plate, learning how to wash it and put it in the dishwasher, how concrete that is and how visible all the plates that were there are. Then they were more or less clean. Then they went to the dishwasher. Then someone cleaned them up. It's as if you were seeing yourself have a purpose and an impact on the world. Your children won't thank you for it when they're younger, but I promise you it's essential for their mental health .

They don't want to live in their own world, where they're just going around in circles, thinking and optimizing. They really need to feel that they are. That's what it is. To feel that they are part of something. And in fact, I think that household chores, if done properly, are numerous. Sometimes chores are given almost as a punishment. Yes, yes, yes. That 's not the case. I think it's a very important structure for that. Yes, and I love the way you broke down that process. Like seeing yourself doing something from beginning to end and completing something and having to do it as a routine.

That's a big part of adult life. Yes, it's difficult. It was one of the mistakes I made. So I started working when I was about 14 years old. I used to deliver newspapers, then I worked in a grocery store, so I've been working for a long time, and I have a younger sister who is 4 and a half years younger than me, and I never wanted her to work because I just wanted to protect her. Yes. In my naiveté as a teenager at that time. For love.

But now we talk about it all the time. We say, "I started working at 14, so work is something normal for me." I understand. I know what it costs. It's part of my life. I've always had to pay for my studies myself. And in my sister's case, it's as if she didn't start working until she graduated. She likes to get away from work as much as possible because she didn't have that routine or rhythm from a very young age. And at that time there was so much social growth that had to do with having a job and being surrounded by people of different backgrounds and ages.

My boss was 50 years old, and there was a 60-year-old at the register, and another person who was 20, and it was just generational experience and exposure, and I learned a lot working in a grocery store that I could never have learned at home. And I think about that word, ability. I bet you've developed a lot. Of course. I am a person who can do difficult things. I am a person who can enter a completely new situation, yes. With nuances, with ups and downs, and no matter how the day ends, the best thing that usually happens is knowing that I can overcome it.

That's very important. It's a little different from household chores, but it's about getting our children to do real things in the real world, isn't it? I think it's something we need to pay much more attention to. TRUE? I know John Haidt talks about this a lot, right? We either overprotect children online or we fail to protect them online and overprotect them in the real world. And he and I talked about this a lot. I think I've observed my children, haven't I? We live in Manhattan, right?

Thus, mobility for children is perhaps easier. They don't need to travel anywhere. But when I see, you know, my son can go buy bagels for the family by himself, right? Taking public transport alone. The pride and ability they feel...I promise you, I mean, I think school studies and all that stuff and sports are really important. Don't misunderstand me. I simply don't literally see this visceral feeling anywhere other than when they are in the real world feeling like a capable person functioning like everyone else. So I think everyone can adapt to it in their own way, right?

You may go to the doctor with your child and let him examine him. You might let him say to the pediatrician, " Hi, how's this year going?" "Let her answer first, okay? It's like emailing the coach instead of you. Maybe you don't live in a city where a kid can walk to the grocery store, but maybe you stay behind and let them go check out. I mean, there are a lot of situations, but that communication of confidence and capability, if you reflect that back to your child, and then they start experimenting with it, it's so important.

Becky, you made it so clear that there's no such thing as a perfect parent, but you are the perfect coach. And Becky, I'm so grateful that you took the time and energy to do this with me. Thank you. And I had a great time. If you found this clip helpful and would like to see more, the next video has been specially chosen for you based on your viewing habits. I hope you enjoy it , and if you do, please subscribe to the channel so we can continue to bring you great conversations."

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