ALEX WARREN EXCLUSIVE: The Untold Story of Losing His Parents, Addiction & Survival

Key Takeaway

When pursuing your dreams, separate yourself from others' opinions—even those closest to you. Focus daily on one action that moves you toward your goal, regardless of external validation. Your ambition and consistency matter more than anyone's approval. If you believe in something deeply enough, protect it by taking action every single day.

Episode Overview

Alex Warren shares his journey from a traumatic childhood—losing his father at 9, growing up with an alcoholic mother, and being homeless as a teenager—to becoming one of 2024's top musicians. He discusses processing grief, finding grace for imperfect parents, pursuing music despite constant rejection, and how his wife and renewed sibling relationships helped him heal.

Full Transcript

Transcript of ALEX WARREN EXCLUSIVE: The Untold Story of Losing His Parents, Addiction & Survival from On Purpose. Auto-generated from episode audio; may contain minor errors.

First of all, I just want to say congratulations I just saw you were the number one song on Variety's Hitmakers. 25 songs. 25 songs. 25 songs. Oh my god. Sabrina Carpenter Kendrick's got like three on there or whatever it is. I'm like, how does that feel? That is incredible. Like it's huge. Well, I didn't know that until just now, which is awesome. I don't look at that stuff. It's um it's something for me. I I feel like I just focus on the music itself, and it's been really amazing to be able to have those accolades.

I I don't know. It doesn't feel real. Like that's the one thing that kind of like it doesn't hit me yet. Every time I play a show I and I sing that song, I take an ear out and hope people are singing and I get off stage. I go, "Were people singing the song?" Like and everyone's like, "Okay, Alex, yeah, shut up." Yes, they were like, "This isn't cute anymore." I'm like, "I'm genuinely serious." Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, that's beautiful. And of course, I saw you, you, you, you know, did a little share the other day, but Spotify wrapped top 10 albums of the year, number four song in the world on the globe.

I mean that again it's just how does that feel? Like how does that truly feel? So there's a part of you that goes I don't look at it and of course you're like checking to see whether but how does that feel, dude? It's I see it and it's truly it's it's like a there's a warm feeling inside cuz I've always wanted that, you know, and I think everyone would be lying if they said they didn't love it. I think that's the the part about it. I wrote it with my friends about meeting my wife and that's even more special.

That's the song about my wife. It's not some fluff. It's not some um pitch song. It's just a record that, you know, we actually believe in. Yeah. That's so special and that it's incredible to think that you've got the people around you that you're writing about about about because I feel like often artists will write a song about someone, but then it's a breakup or someone that they're not connected to anymore. I imagine it's a really a really a really rare feeling to actually say, "I'm writing a song about the person I love and they're in my life." Yeah.

It's that's something I never really think about is when people write like a breakup song and it becomes like a hit. like what that relationship is. But yeah, it's just something where I feel like it didn't happen to me, it happened to us. And it's been really cool to be able to have that moment together. together. together. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I was going to ask you, you've I feel like you've spoken about your journey many times before. before. before. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I wanted to ask you, what's a childhood memory that you have that you feel defines who you are today that has played such a pivotal role in molding who you are?

I have never been asked that question. Um, wow. Uh, I would say probably a lot of the memories I have with my dad. My dad knew he was dying and so he It's so fun when I do these interviews and stuff cuz I get to actually like talk about him and talk about that life that I I kind of forgot about. But a lot of the pivotal thing was watching my dad go through chemo and slowly start to break down. And he still every day woke up at 5:00 a.m.

to be able to hang out with me before he went to work to provide for what was left once he passed. And um I [clears throat] just remember, remember, remember, you know, a lot of times in my life and especially now, I kind of think, oh, like, you know, I can't do this, I can't do that, or um I just get nervous and then I think about the things that my dad went through for us and um I can do anything at that moment. So, I feel like he bought me my first guitar and being able to play music and be able to sing and watching his face when I didn't know what I was playing and it sounded god awful.

But knowing that he got to church, that memory was probably a big one for me. Wow. How old were you when he was going through chemo? through chemo? through chemo? Um, he got he had cancer four times before um or I mean entirety of when I was born. Um, but he beat it three times and the fourth time got him. Um, and he died when I was nine. So probably like I probably remembered it from 5 to 9. How did he have that conversation with you at that time?

Were you aware at that time at that age what was even happening? I can't imagine. No, I mean the night before he died, I remember he was so they they were just making him comfortable and so he was at our house in a a hospital bed in the downstairs bedroom and um I remember the night before the last conversation I ever had with him is he was puffed up on drugs and I I was messing with him and you know I was like dad will you buy me a Ferrari and he's like and he was saying yes to everything you know and um it's weird to think about it back then and kind of be like that was my goodbye was I was kind of [ __ ] with him a little bit.

And yeah, I all I know is like, you know, he he died joking around with us, saying yes to everything. You know, he [clears throat] didn't even bother to, you know, say no or mess with us back. But, um, he [snorts] left us all notes. And when he died, the morning he he died, my mom came into my room at like 5:00 in the morning. I remember the time was actually 5:05 exact. Um, and she said, "It's time to say goodbye to your dad." He had left us these letters and we got to read those letters and um yeah, I can say that's a pretty surreal moment to kind of like think about, but I never knew.

Wow. Wow. Wow. I didn't even realize until I was like 13 or 14 that he wasn't a part of my life. I think it was just a a weird messed up joke. I think I would make things up. I'd be like, "Oh, he works for the FBI or like he he like faked his death." And I Yeah, it's pretty weird when I came to terms with the fact that he was gone. M. So it was quite hard to actually come to terms with it. It took a few years to even process the reality of the situation.

Like I don't think my brain could at 9 years old and I think back I really never think about this. So this is like the first time in a long time I'm actually thinking about it. It's like I remember when he died I was doing the stereotypical wake up wake up like he was dead in front of me. And um I think it was just a whole moment of me trying to like be like stop joking around. I was nine, but I I understood he was dead, but I I didn't understand what that meant, that meant, that meant, of course.

of course. of course. And so, for a good good 20 minutes, I had to I was slapping him. I was shaking him, uh, begging him to wake up. And then they wheeled him out of my driveway. driveway. driveway. And the neighbors all looked around. And I think that day, I I um was like I remember it so vividly, but so blurry at the same time. But yeah, I I knew he was dead. I didn't know what that meant until I was 13 or 14. Tell me about You said he would wake up at 5:00 a.m.

to play with you or be with you before you went to work. Talk to me about what you do remember because it's it's remarkable that you can hold on to memories from them, but obviously they seem so precious. Are a lot of those memories based on things you remember or pictures and video and it's what I remember. every day uh he woke up and I had three other I have three other siblings and so he would take me and my brother skateboarding and we would go to the skate park and get donuts early in the morning or we'd go to church or um I know with my sisters or even all of us like he'd wake up early and take us to like Legoland you know and like he would just find every day was a different day every day was a different thing you know there was no routine besides the fact that every morning we woke up and we had no idea what we were doing and it was kind of like a bucket list in some ways like he wanted to surf and learn.

So we went surfing and like yeah [snorts] so like every day I think he just wanted to his goal in life was always to be a father and to have kids and I think he just bedrun it as fast as he could knowing he was dying and I can't imagine that is hiding that from your children and trying to leave a future for them as you leave. What a special man. Yeah. truly sounds like uh someone I strive to be every day. Yeah, absolutely. Very worthy of that.

And when you came to that, what was the moment at 134 where you came to that reflection? Like what what kind of made that that that I always knew my life was different. I didn't understand it. Um, I watched my little sister go to a daddy daughter dance without her dad and I remember seeing her crying and I started to think what was different about my life and I started to think about cuz at that point it was like oh like you know at 9 years old losing your dad and then you're 14 it's all you know like that the the formative years of your life are now starting and so you're just being like oh I don't have a dad that's a normal thing and I started to think about what was what I was missing what I didn't have.

And I think that was the biggest thing. My mom was a alcoholic who wasn't present. So I realized I was raising myself and having to, you know, all of us, all of me and my siblings were raising each other. And that was something for us that we really um we didn't realize wasn't normal for a very long time. And we struggle with today. I think we struggle with having a normal sibling relationship because we were so busy trying to parent each other. Talk to me about that parenting each other.

Like what was it like parenting yourself? And then parenting when you're 14 years old. It's interesting. I think I it was more of like, you know, me and my brother were obviously this protective brother over our little sister. And then I think my older sister felt the need. She was about four years older than us. So she felt really the need to do so. Um yeah, I think the dynamic is just different. You don't have an older brother. You have someone that you, for me at least, is someone I I help through with daily life and vice versa.

And there's different things that I'm skilled at that he is. And I think we adapted really really well to being able to um to being able to parent each other, but then that normal relationship of just catching up and sibling. It's weird now doing it as we had a a moment when my mom died, we kind of all went our separate ways. We kind of just realized what the is wrong with our lives and we all stopped talking. Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow. We all stopped talking.

We all went apart and I started doing this and um we rekindled not too long ago. Most of us live in the same state now and we grab lunch every week and we try our best to kind of, you know, hash that out. It's been nice. Honestly, I'm really close with all them now, which is really cool. Who was the first person to reach out? Uh, probably Lauren, my older sister. She reached out to you? Yeah, she Well, she's she's super super keen on creating an environment of family and that was something I was missing for a while.

And so, she she was kind of the glue that was like, you know what, let's all come together and it's been cool. She got us all to move Nashville. Was it easy to bring everyone back in or did it take a moment? Like talk to me about that reconnection. Everyone wanted to. Everyone everyone wants to be a family. I think it's just being apart for 4 years at at our 20s. I mean, you have to think like I was 19 when I when we all kind of like went away.

Yeah. away. Yeah. away. Yeah. And so, you know, a lot has changed since I was 19, you know, career-wise, me wise. I mean, I'm I I've grown so much as a human, you know, and um I think boundaries and respect and, you know, growing like just trying to like settle back into being siblings has been a fun challenge, I would say, cuz it's it is it's like, you know, I I'm one of those people. I think arguing is a beautiful thing, I think. Well, I do I think even with my wife and she finds it so funny and cuz we'll be like fighting um about like a rug and I'll be laughing and I'm like, "This is great." right?

Like we're talking like life is about compromise. Life is about figuring out what you can tolerate of me and how much I can tolerate of you. And you know that's how a relationship works. And um it's been really nice to kind of like be able to learn things about people through an argument. How they feel, what what is the compromise there? And that's what I really like. Yeah. Do you when you look back now, do you believe that parenting yourself allowed you to have some of this maturity at this young age?

Yeah, 100%. I I didn't even I I never got into drinking. I never got into smoking. I Because you didn't have the opportunity, right? And so, like for me, like I'm a pretty boring guy. Like I think that's the one criticism I see online and people are like, "Oh, Alex is just a boring white dude." And I'm like, "Yeah, I am. I am. And I love it." Um but no, I it's allowed me to grow up really quickly, which is beautiful and sad. Um but I It's funny.

I find I find things that I I love that are childish, you know? I I love skateboarding. And because of my dad, I love surfing. I dirt bike. I do all these things. And so, like, I'm a giant teenager now, kind of living out that childhood I never had. had. had. I get I can uh in my own way, as I'm reflecting on what you're saying, so I felt like I parented myself. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My my dad was more he was around, but he was aloof and in his own world.

Yeah. And so I was definitely my younger sister's like father figure. That was the role I took on early on. I really felt like I became man of the house quite early on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I look back at those moments now and feel very grateful for them as well because to me I don't think I would have had the skills that I was able to develop if I didn't have that experience. experience. experience. And I don't people always like do you feel you missed out on your childhood?

I I don't think I did because I think I still had some of that in in my way and there there were moments of that. Do you do you feel like you missed out when you look back or do you feel differently? I often do, but I think it's a childhood that I wasn't meant to have. You know, I missed out on having a father, you know, like I missed out on, you know, um I think when you learn how to ride a bike, you look behind you once you figure it out and you fall a couple of times and you look at your parents and you say, "Look, I did it." And throughout my entire career of even childhood of becoming a an adult and um accomplishing certain things, I looked back and I didn't have those people in my life.

And I think that starts to rewire your brain of what an accomplishment is. You know, how do you value success? If to me, success is being able to show my parents I did everything I set out to be. And so it kind of rewires you into thinking, you know, what is it? What does all this mean? and what does, [snorts] you know, my childhood look like? And I think everything that I went through has shaped me up to where I am today. And whether I like it or not and I do like it.

I like who I am now. But it is something that, you know, I think about a lot is like, you know, I would be a completely different person if my dad was still alive, my mom was still alive and I didn't go through half those things. And whether or not I want that is always a question I ask in terms of parallel lives. Yeah. I think like, you know, I could have had a childhood. I could have had all these different things, but I would not be who I am and what I know.

And I I don't think I'd be a musician. I don't think that I would be here. I don't think I would have met my wife. You know, there's so many different things I that I went through in my life that I love that because I didn't have a childhood. childhood. childhood. How do you define success now? Truly, I was so unhappy with myself for a long time. I think I just never knew. I always wanted to be a musician since I was a kid, since my dad introduced me to it.

And I tried for my entire childhood and no one cared. Again, I grew up in an abusive household. And you know, when you find something that you like, you get torn down for it. So I just never thought I could do it. You know, my dad introduced us to music and he passed away. away. away. Guitar, right? Guitar, right? Guitar, right? He passed away and so I stopped. I stopped trying it. Just he played music all the I grew up with Rascal Flats and Train and um Coldplay and he passed away and the music stopped and figuratively and you know actual and so when I started understanding what was happening in my life, I started playing music and I got torn down for it every day.

You know, I would do talent shows, my mom wouldn't show up and she would say I sucked and all these different things. And you know, hearing that every day growing up, you start to think, do I suck? you know. Um, and then I turned 18 and I was still trying. I would post covers on Vine and Tik Tok and it was musically at the time and um, I got kicked out of my house and I would go and when I would shower at a 24-hour fitness or whatever bathroom I could find at a resort or whatnot, um, I would sing in the bathroom and the acoustics were great and I would post those on the internet and those wouldn't do well.

And yeah, I was every single second I could. I think I got shot down and then I met my wife and I posted a video with her in my car and it did amazing the first rip around and I was like, "Oh, cool." Like, "This is going to get us out of this situation." We kept going and found myself back to music and here we are. What did your dayto-day look like with your mom and her addiction? I was the only person who I I don't know if I'm the only person who knew I was the only person who called it out um at the time.

Yeah. So my dad when he was dying, he [snorts] knew and he was terrified. And so he obviously did certain things that he wanted to make sure that we were okay. But um yeah, I would my daily thing is my mom would start my mom would sleep during the day and stay up all night. And so she'd be drunk at 5:00 a.m. driving us to school at 6:00 or 7:00. And um she would sleep when she got back home. She never had a job since my dad passed away.

So whatever we lived on was was what she what he left us and he died during the recession. So it was definitely a scarce interesting time. You know, we we still grew up fine. You know, my dad did well and so when he passed away, it was whatever. But uh daily it was I'd wake up and I'd find what alcohol she was hiding and I'd throw it away. I can't tell if I was petty for that or if I just truly wanted to see her stop, you know, but every addict needs a surrogate.

They need someone to blame that isn't themselves. Or at least that's what I think growing up with it. And I was that person. I was the only person who could call out her problem. I was the person who when she was driving drunk would make her pull over or I would threaten to call the police. Um yeah, I was the person who made it difficult for her to have the addiction cuz I didn't want to see it anymore. I I thought that, you know, you're supposed to be a parent, you know, and her and I clashed a lot, you know.

Um, so yeah, my daily life was waking up, calling her an alcoholic for sure. Um, threatening to call the police and um, yeah, it was really, really toxic. I mean, looking back at it, I would call the police on her several times. She was abusive. Um, there was one time she elbed me in the face so hard that I I have a deviated septan now from it and I called the police and she made up a thing saying that I hit her or something and I remember they threatened to take me to jail and that was the first time I ever felt like wow everything is stacked against me in some way you know and so like that was really difficult for me to be like oh well I can't call the police anymore and it was so strange it was such a strange way to to grow up reflecting on it.

But it's also something, you know, again, it's I never drank. I never drink. I never do any of those things cuz I've never seen the good of it. When people like, "Oh, we're going out to drink." I've never I've never understood that. I've never craved it. I never wanted it. And I'm not against it. I just I just don't get it anymore, you know, cuz I grew up with the negative of it, you know. you know. you know. Yeah. Did Did your desire to remove her addiction reflect badly on you?

Like is that where the moments of tension and abuse sparked was that you were the one trying to take it away from her? her? her? Yeah. And I think it didn't help that my siblings didn't realize it either. I think my siblings would all be like, "Well, if you didn't talk back, you wouldn't get hit." Was the sentiment behind it. And I thought that was such a bizarre sentiment growing up. Um but yeah, I mean, I was just one of those people. I like I wasn't a troubled kid.

I didn't get into bad things, but I wanted to be a singer. And my mom hated it. She hated it, you know? I don't know what it was about whether it was like vlogging or singing or just filming my life. I never wanted to do a normal job. Like in school, I would be instead of like class, I would go to bathroom and sing and film it and post it. And of course, I start my grades started slipping a little bit cuz that's all I wanted.

I knew I wanted to do that. And [snorts] um she thought I was some terrible kid. And so yeah, it was it was definitely a clash between us and it never stopped. Even after all this, she was still alive when I started doing well. And yeah, man. I I remember I I had distanced myself fully until I was like, "Look, you know, I I'm not going to I don't want you in my life until you get help." And um I remember the week she died, she had texted me, uh I have a problem and I'm [clears throat] going to AA.

And then she died the week after, which is crazy. Did you believe her? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is hard. But I don't know. I don't know what killed her. I don't know if it was just final and she realized she had a problem or she went to the doctors one day, but I remember I remember how up her house was. I never I couldn't step foot in it. But my siblings went and it was bad. There was like she was she was dead way before she was, which is crazy.

I I I think watching two people die in front of you like that is like the It's the weirdest thing. It's the weirdest. You can't explain it. It's the breath, the breath, the breath, the that person doesn't become a human anymore, you know, and like the the if you've ever watched it before, it's the it's the the breathing that doesn't leave leave leave like the um I it's so hard to explain just someone they're not breathing for themselves. They're gasping for air and you want it to stop and it's the scariest thing.

Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. It's crazy watching that twice at 9 and then you spent your whole life forgetting it and then you turn 21 and you just it's like a haunting thing that doesn't leave. doesn't leave. doesn't leave. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. Was that at home as well? She was at home. home. home. No. No. No. No. I [gasps and sighs] I if that one was in a hospital, but when you die from drinking and liver failure, you're yellow all over, you know? I think it's called jaundice or something.

your it's it's morbid. It's like the I think watching my dad die, he turned white, you know, cuz his kidney failed. Um watching someone die slowly like that is probably like it's something that you can never forget. It's crazy. Terrifying. Terrifying. Terrifying. Were you by her best side when it happened as well? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I [snorts] remember the one thing too is you know you walk outside. We all just had a moment once she had passed. We went outside and we all just started crying and you know, you look around and someone's on their lunch break and someone's pulling up in a fancy car to Jersey Mike's and everyone's laughing and people are walking by leaving the the the hospital and it it's it's uh it's weird to think that my world stops spinning, but you're just you have no idea.

You have no idea what the heck just happened in there. You have no idea what we just went through. And it's it is so interesting. It is. It I remember that that stuck with me so bad. I'm like, why are why isn't everyone Why isn't the world stopped, you know, because mine just did. did. did. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. Yeah. With your father, obviously, your memory was this almost playfulness or joking around him saying, "Yes, I'll get you a Ferrari." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What was that internal and external dialogue with your mother?

They told us she could hear us. I don't know if that was true or if that's just something you tell people to hope that they they they they uh they have closure. Um Um Um a lot of ap uh forgiveness. That's what you were saying. Yeah. A lot of forgiveness. A lot of apologies, too. apologies, too. apologies, too. What did you say? I think for me, you know, I I think in everything, especially in a place where there's clashing, it takes two people regardless. You know, she could have been a better parent.

She could have realized she had a problem and whatnot. [clears throat] My mom watched her husband die and then had to raise four kids by herself. How the am I supposed to judge someone like that? How am I supposed to say you did that wrong? You know, and that's the one part for me is like I judge her so hard. I thought you're supposed to be this perfect person. You're supposed to be this parent and it's it's crazy how selfish I could have been to assume that.

I don't know what you went through. I don't know what it's like. It's your first time living. You know how there's no perfect book on how to raise four kids, watch your your husband die of cancer, and be all of a sudden have everything that you thought in life ripped away from you in a second and just have to put a smile on it and not have a cope. So yeah, I think that was my biggest thing is, you know, I I spent my whole life judging this person, not putting myself in their shoes and understanding what they had to go through to be okay.

She had to have drinks to be okay. [clears throat] She had to kill herself to be okay with life. That's hard, you know. you know. you know. So, I think that was like the one thing for me that like, you know, I had to wrap around and have closure with and there wasn't, you know, it's closure in some sense, but you I I don't know. I never got to I never had to got to have that conversation. I was uh what's that word when you you weren't talking to someone.

It's like a they call it something in a family when you when you aren't communicating with them. Strange. Strange. Strange. Yeah, kind of. I I I didn't talk to my mom for a long time. [snorts] [snorts] [snorts] Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, it's hard. it's hard. it's hard. Have you given yourself that grace? I don't think so. I haven't thought about it until now. which is funny in such a public setting. But yeah, I I I don't when you go through the things I go through I or at least I can't speak for everyone.

I I have spent a lot of time not forgetting but putting it on a burner, letting it sit there when I when it's time to approach those feelings. And then when I do these things, I fully believe in being honest and and I I like to take advant I I told you before we started recording that these are my favorite parts of this job. And I think it's true because this is the time where I get to be human. I think in my career a lot of people look at what we do and it's the same thing.

I think they just, you know, they don't see the human behind the piece or the art or whatever. they see the headline or they see whatever they want to see, whether I pass their favorite artist on a chart or if I got picked to do something opposed to their favorite artist, it almost I become a villain in their life without them actually understanding who I am behind it. So, when it's time to do these things, I think it's great because I think you start to realize how messed up a lot of us are.

Not even messed up. I wouldn't even say I'm messed up. I think just the things that you you tend to separate the human from the art. And I think that's the hardest thing for me too is, you know, everything I make and the music I write about is fully true to me. I don't I'm not taking pitch records. I'm writing about my watching my parents die, which is so hard to then turn around and swipe on a TikTok and be like Alex Warren sucks. I'm like, you know, and so it's just separating separating that is so difficult for me to I just have to scroll now whether it's good or bad.

I don't look at it and it's hard. It's really hard because these mean these songs mean so much to me. These songs helped me through all those things I'm talking about and like it's so strange to be able to be like, "Oh, wow." Not it's so strange not to take that personally, you know? So [snorts] that's that's definitely been a challenge. We all want to feel better, to have more energy and more focus throughout the day. That's why I co-founded Juni, a sparkling adaptogenic drink made with powerful ingredients like ashwagandha and lion's mane.

It's designed to boost your mood, support your focus, and give you natural energy, all without the crash. Get your daily mood boost with Juny at Whole Foods Market or head to drinkjuny.com drinkjuny.com drinkjuny.com to find a store near you. As [snorts] I was listening to you, I was just thinking, I love that you have the capacity for grace for your mom. And to sit there and say, you know, no one knows how to raise four kids, watch their husband die, deal with the challenges that come with life.

You know, she's not a superhum. And yeah, as I was listening to you say that, I was like, I hope you're able to develop that grace for yourself to be able to say, you know, no one knows how to come into the world and have their father pass away when they're 9 years old and have a mom who's an addict and have three other siblings. And cuz I'm looking and and I think both coexisting is what grace really looks like because like because like because it's beautiful that you've been able to even have the glimpse of that perspective for your mother and to expand that out into yourself because I often feel that we do one or the other.

So we often feel oh yeah I give myself grace but I can't forgive that person and that doesn't feel fully healed or we do the opposite where we give that person grace but we don't for us. And I can I can resonate with it because my I always think about my dad because he was he had such a complex childhood. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. And when I look at it, it gives me context and grace for who he became. And if without that context in the same way as you just beautifully explained, but yeah, my my dad like saw his mom die when he was four.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um he grew up in the slums of India. he had four siblings that you know were just trying to figure out what to do like it it and and when I understand that context I can have grace and compassion for him [snorts] and then at the same time even though I didn't have those troubles or your troubles there's compassion I have to have for myself and so yeah I really hope this opens a doorway for that for you because it's beautiful that you have the capacity for that for her yeah had it in that moment it's really special actually special actually special actually I've never had that perspective funny enough enough enough something so simple some yet so profound, you know.

Yeah. I mean, you have it. You're the one saying it about your mother. Like, you know, it's it's just Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, saying the same about your 9-year-old self and 14 and 21. But when when you were going through that, what was what do you believe you needed most in your teenage years that you didn't have? didn't have? didn't have? Wow. Wow. Wow. I don't know. I mean, the obvious answer is obviously a parent. Um, yeah. outside of that. Yeah, I think I I made do with what I had.

I don't I don't necessarily think I could have had anything more. You know, you growing up and being a a a teenager, I think I had ambition. I had a dream. I had a goal. And I every day being a kid, I never thought of like what what am I going to do partywise? I thought what am I going to do so I can achieve those goals. I've always wanted to do this. So, I don't know. I truly every day I just woke up and I thought how do I make this dream and goal of mine possible and I've never let let go of it.

How did you protect that and protect your self-esteem in an environment where you're being told you suck where someone who's the only caregiver in your life doesn't love your art or doesn't encourage it and of course you don't have the resources to how did you protect that? protect that? protect that? I have no idea. I have no clue. I should have given up so long ago. And that is something that I've questioned to this day of why it happened. I for the longest time had this gut feeling since I was a kid.

And whether you for me I credit that to God. I'm a Christian and I have faith in that way. But for so many people, you know, I I can't imagine I every day I woke up and I go, I'm going to do this. And I had so much confidence for being such an insecure guy, for not believing in myself talent-wise, for not believing in myself where my life was. And I would I should have given up way before I did. And I never did. I just had this weird gut feeling that this was supposed to happen.

And I followed it and here we are. are. are. Yeah. I I love that as in I love hearing that too because one of the most common things I hear a lot from my community is Jay my family doesn't believe in me. I'm in a toxic atmosphere. There are people around me who just holding me back. People with negative energy. What do I do about it? And you're sitting here, you know, and we're looking at a snapshot of your life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And yes, we're getting into some detail, but you know, there's so much more to it.

Of course, it's your life. And you're sitting here going, "Well, actually, that's all I had." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, I did all I had. Like, that that was basically not your escape, but that was your it was your passion. It was your pursuit. It was where all your energy went. It's it's where all your focus went because what else would you give your focus to? If you gave it to all the other things, you wouldn't have survived. survived. survived. Exactly. I I never had a plan B.

I would go to school and in classes I was posting posting posting musicalally. Like I it was it was literally all I did every day. I would go into class and I would just go on my phone and do social media or post my singing videos and it it I was failing. I I didn't graduate high school. Like I and nor would I ever recommend that to anyone. I do not know what that conviction was and why I thought that that was what I was supposed to do.

And it just it I didn't fight it. I tuned everything else out. There was nothing else I was interested in. And I never had a backup plan. I was like, I'm gonna be homeless. I'm gonna do this. And I ended up being homeless. Did God have anything to do with the conviction? conviction? conviction? I like to think so. I think a lot of times when I watch podcasts and I hear people say that though it it it always throws me through a loop you know and and I think like you know a lot of times when I've you know gone through this stuff and and talked about my faith and things I just feel as if I have been put on this earth to do this you know and I feel as if I had to lose my parents to be the person I am today you know and the things that I've lost have shaped me into the the the man that I am and you know I've met everyone and and I'm happy with myself after all this loss and and whatnot.

And I for me, I battled a lot because I've always been like, oh, like if God was real, he wouldn't have done that to me, you know? And I think that when you when I look at a snapshot of my life, I look at every single mistake I've ever made and every single thing that's taken away and every single thing that has happened to me has led been a lesson of some sort. I've learned from everything. And I I understand it's people probably disagree with that.

I think that's fully fine. I just think for what I've lived through and the things that I've gone through and where I am today, it the only thing to me makes sense is that and that's that's that's the beautiful thing about faith. You got to believe it, you know? It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. Yeah. Do you do you regret not telling your mom how you felt or do you wish you got to tell her that you forgive her and that you understand and share that compassion or do you feel it was shared in spirit and internally and that?

No, I think the one thing that I regret is my I look at this every time and it just kills me is my mom died alone. You know, she didn't have friends. She didn't have family anymore. Everyone left her. Everyone left cuz they wanted to focus on themselves. I think that's the hardest thing that I've had to deal with is [sighs] when I I thought about that. I was I remember I was driving and I I started thinking about my life and how I'm terrified to be alone and I started to think about my mom and I realized that she was alone and I texted her and I wanted to check on her and little did I know she was dying alone.

And so for me, yeah, I mean it's so easy to it's so easy when people are out of your life and now that it's happened to me so many times to be like, "Wow, I wish I did this different." And you're never [snorts] going to survive if you think that way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's never gonna I have lost so many people in my life and every time you It's so goddamn easy to be like, "Oh, I should have done this more. I should have walked with them every day.

I should have cherished those moments in between." But now when I have friendships and I have relationships, nothing matters. nothing matters. nothing matters. To me at least, any issue is small because I'm able to put in because I'm able to put in perspective the things that I've lost and been able to now understand the gravity of what that means and losing someone. And so I feel like as a person I'm much better of a emotional person with other people because of that as well. well. well.

Yeah, of course. But I don't know. I can never think about that. I I'm genuinely so in awe of your ability to process so much in so little time. And I don't say that as empty flattery at all. I say it with [clears throat] as much gravitas as you can probably say it with because and it's so interesting to me because two people can go through the same thing and have completely different reactions. different reactions. different reactions. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And and everyone's allowed to process it however they decide to process it.

But it feels like the way you've been able to walk these footsteps [sighs and gasps] is is is allowing you to continue to grow and heal but not crush yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Under the responsibility that you shouldn't have had to carry as a kid anyway. anyway. anyway. And I [clears throat] think that's what's so interesting is so many of us as young people carry weight that was too heavy that shouldn't have even ever come across even as an adult. and you end up carrying that weight continuously and it feels like I'm not saying it was easy or that that's not my interpretation of it, but what I'm hearing is you've almost been able to put the weight down at the right time when you've needed to in order to move forward.

forward. forward. Yeah. [sighs and gasps] Yeah. I I don't know. I Do you agree with that or Yeah, I do. I I just have this outlook on life that the and it sounds so redundant and I keep saying it but truly I think that everything that has happened in my life is a lesson. Where did that come from? How did you even get to that place? I don't even know. You just had to believe that's it's it's a survival instinct. Like that's what I'm I'm I'm I started thinking about what's the point.

point. point. Yeah. I started thinking about my life and I think I had a moment where I had a reflection but also had I I battled with depression depression depression a little while ago and I started to think what was the point? Why did all these things happen to me? Why is this my life and where am I supposed to be? And I think you know like you said there are two ways of dealing with it. There's a lot of people you know and my family's full of it.

My family's full of different ways that we have all endured what we went through cuz I'm not the only one and we've all gone different routes of that. And for me, I just [snorts] started to think, what is the point if I'm not treating this the way I can't control the fact that my parents are dead? I can't control the fact that you know, life is fleeting and you know, I've had friends die and all these different things and you know, or even like the mistakes that happened, getting cheated on or just random stuff that has happened in my life.

And then I start to realize if everything in life is a way to another thing, you know, what happens to you is a byproduct of a decision that someone made and your reaction is what follows, right? And for me, if I lose someone, it teaches me something in some aspect of life. If I make a mistake on stage, I truly think that that's something because I need to learn. Mistakes are only important if you learn from them. And if you don't, it's a habit. Mh. habit.

Mh. habit. Mh. And so I've just [clears throat] really stressed that aspect of my life every day of, you know, growing cuz what's the point of living if you can't grow? What's the point of living if you can't constantly try and become a better person? I the one thing I know about my dad and I don't know much cuz he died when I was a kid. Everyone I ask says he was the nicest person ever. Says he was the kindest person ever. Says he was a light when he walked through a room.

And I often think of when I die, what is someone going to say about me? You know, and so for me, you know, I've always just strived and chased that ability to be like my dad. And every day I'm constantly striving to be a better human. And the only way you do that is by growth. And the only way you grow is by learning from your mistakes. mistakes. mistakes. Why focus on the things you can't change? Focus on the the reaction of what has happened. What do you hope people will say about you when you die?

I feel like a lot of people have probably sat here and said something about their career and I just want to be I want someone to say that that was a great father. great father. great father. I want people to be like that. Say what you want about me. Say what you want about my music, but I cared a lot and I I just want to be a good father. That's what my entire life has set off to be, you know. you know. you know. Yeah.

I love I love the videos you make for my kids. Yeah. Yeah. For your kids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was inspiring me. I was like, I need to start I need to get on that train. train. train. My dad left us home videos. No way. No way. No way. Yeah. So, that was the coolest part about about about Daddy filmed for you. Everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. I have hours of footage of what my dad filmed. I get to hear his voice. And I think that's the other thing that no one teaches you about grief is you start to forget the smell of someone.

and you start to forget what they sound like. You forget what it's like to hold someone after having a bad day or confiding someone. You don't know how badly. The one thing I wish is I could call my dad and just ask for advice about marriage, about fatherhood, about just things you go through. Like that's that's the thing I take for granted is being able to call them. You know, I I called every day to hear that voicemail every day until one day someone picked up the phone [clears throat] and because my mom couldn't afford to keep paying the bill.

the bill. the bill. And so that's the one thing is like it's been so nice to be able to see those videos and humanize someone who I didn't know. I often hear about my dad and I've put him on this pedestal of just being this perfect guy and I don't want him to be. I want him to have mistakes. I want him to have flaws because I have flaws and I want to see that my dad. And so my my dad's best friend um comes around all the time.

He's in my life so much. He's like an uncle to me. And he brought these letters cuz back then they didn't have phones. And my dad used to they used to write each other letters and it's his bestest friend. And he gets choked up talking about them all the time. And he showed me these letters and I write just like my dad. I say psyched for no reason. I don't know why I say it. I'm like, "Oh, I'm psyched. That's sick." And everyone's like, "What are you talking about?" And he wrote it in every letter.

every letter. every letter. Wow. Wow. Wow. Someone I didn't know. Like, think about that. I did not know my dad. I was 9 years old. I I have memories of him the same way I have memories about my doctor, you know, and that's hard. And there's so much of him in me. And that's the coolest part is being able to every day learn something new about him. And I I say this and I don't know where I heard it and it's I never came up with this, but people die twice.

They die when they die. And they die when you stop telling their story. And my whole goal with everything in my entire career, my entire life is just to keep him alive, him alive, him alive, which has been really cool. Yeah, I think you're doing a a great job with that. I mean, try my damn best. Even I feel I feel so, you know, I feel like when you're talking about your dad, I feel so close to him, even though I have no, you know, idea of who he was.

And I and I couldn't agree with you more. I I feel that you carry a part of the people that you lost, that you love. I have a spiritual mentor of mine, a father figure who passed away 5 years ago who I love deeply and he had stage four brain cancer and so he started to lose his memory towards the last few years of his life. So he went from remembering my face and name to my name to to towards the end not even noticing me.

me. me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he's I I can relate to that point of just he's the person I wish I could call to share anything that happens in my life because that's what he was. And all of this took off after he passed away really. And yeah, it's it's one of those things, but I fully agree that I talk about him a lot on the podcast. I talk about him a lot with friends and family because because because there was no one like him. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And I almost wish more people got to experience him, to know what was possible possible possible as a human and how someone could live with. So he had this because he had stage four brain cancer and his memory started to break. when he'd meet people, all he'd do was thank them for their service to God. And so his brain was stuck on gratitude. [snorts] Wow. Wow. Wow. So all he do is thank people. So he could forget their name, forget their face, but because he was a leader in our spiritual community, he would just if he'd meet, he'd just be like, "Thank you for your service to God." And he'd really mean it.

Like, "Thank you for everything you've been doing." That's beautiful. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. And it was just And I was like, "Wow." Like, God, if my brain ever broke, I hope it breaks like that because what that just shows what's really, you know, in there. in there. in there. Yeah. But yeah, as I'm hearing you talk about this, about this, about this, it's almost like every phase of your life, I mean, when when I was preparing for this, I was like, I and now I'm getting to meet you, obviously, so I have a completely different perspective because I'm I'm looking at how much resilience you have and strength you have and and how much you're willing to open the wound as well and and look at it from different angles, which is at 17, your mom kicks you out of the house.

Yeah. And then you end up, as you said a few moments ago, you end up being homeless and living in a car. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. Talk to me about the dayto-day of living as living in a car as a 17-year-old because because because I mean, I had it pretty lucky. I mean, I had it pretty lucky. I'm not going to lie. Like I [gasps] I slept in cars. My friends would sneak into their houses and I would sleep like, you know, on their floors with hiding, hoping no one walked in.

Yeah. I'm not I there was only a few nights where I actually slept like on the road like probably two you know and like I think that's the biggest thing for me is you know I my mom kicked me out because she wanted me to come back she wanted me to I think her whole thing and what I never realized was this insecurity of being a mother you know and for me I would just I had a point where she that night she had pinned me on the ground and just started wailing.

wailing. wailing. punching as hard as she could. My brother, who's a Marine, ended up pulling her off and I ran out of the house and I never came back. Um, that was something where then the next day she called the cops and the cops went looking for me saying that I hit her. A whole thing. And so I just hid I hid on the street. Uh, I hid in my friend's cars. My mom then called all of her all of their friends parents and said I'm bad news and all these things.

And then they stopped letting me sleep in their house. And so I would sleep in a car and then I ended up getting um [clears throat] shot by my friend's dad with a 177 which is like a BB. It's like a it's like a you know you hunt deer or rabbits or something with it and it's the way it's shaped is supposed to do as much damage in the animal. And [sighs and gasps] it was an accident. He didn't mean to or he didn't understand the scope of it.

Um and and and as in why did he do it? Why? Why did he even h even h even h I think a lot of the guys who who grew up in the 70s and ' 80s would shoot each other with pellet guns. Like that was the thing like I guess. And I don't think they realized this wasn't a plet gun and it was like a hunting rifle. And uh he also I don't know if he knew it was loaded, but uh we were filming a video and he said run.

I ran and uh zigzagged cuz I thought that would work and damn was he a good shot. He nailed me right in the liver and it went up. It missed my heart by a few centimeters and it's stuck in my lung today. It's still there today. Yeah. Yeah. It's so small that if you were to if you x-ray, you can see it, but if you were to pull it out, you'd have to break my ribs and it'd be a chance I would die. And it's just not worth it.

It's capsized in my lung right now, my right lung. And talk to me about how it felt in the moment. I mean, that's excruciating. Have you ever seen those videos of paintballs hitting your body in slow motion? Felt like that. It hit a nerve, I jumped up, I broke my elbow, or I I fractured it or whatever. And I just remember the worst pain you'll ever feel in your entire life. I don't know what it's like to get shot with a 9mm, but that was like it was burning in my body and I was scratching my chest trying to just get the pain.

I was like, "Make it stop please." And I remember when I was shot, they didn't believe it was in me. They thought I wasing around. And so they were squeezing the wound trying to get the pellet out, thinking it was at surface level, not realizing I was bleeding internally. bleeding internally. bleeding internally. And um yeah, I remember that was probably the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life is feeling the pellet burn or bullet. Technically, it's a bullet burning in my body. That was hard.

That one sucked. Did you go to the hospital immediately? Yes. Yeah. I went to the hospital. They admitted me for a gunshot wound. I had the cops come because every time you admit anyone to to the [clears throat] hospital for a GSW, the cops come. This guy I he's funny enough he officiated my wedding. wedding. wedding. The guy who shot you. Huge part of my life actually. He's a huge part of my life. He was a father figure to me when my dad passed away and he made a mistake.

Um [snorts] I'm also probably the most forgiving person you'll ever meet. You literally like I think Alex we need to slow down here. No, he's amazing. He's truly like his family has been such a crucial part of my life and in my recover not recovery but in my life of becoming who I am today. He's been he's someone I still go back home and visit and he officiated my wedding. His daughter is my best friend since I was 13. Um and he was letting me sleep on the floor of his house and sleep in his car.

And when this happened, he obviously paid the hospital bills. And he uh bought me a he he owns a Volvo dealership or he manages a Volvo dealership. And so I had a car and um I slept in it which was awesome. So, I had the car that I had, it was a stick shift 1994 wagon. It was great. Volvo wagon. How long did that recovery take? Recovery? I was in the hospital for two months, maybe a month and a half. And you said it just missed your heart.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In your lung. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it can't do any damage in there. Uh, if I fall from a certain height is what they said. If I like fall to my body at 10 ft, maybe. So, no flips. I still flip. Like but it's not something you think about like it's it doesn't cause any pain like you don't sometimes. sometimes. sometimes. Oh Oh Oh sometimes what about for singing and like like like I I don't know I I need to get my lungs checked out especially cuz I just I quit smoking 3 years ago when I was homeless.

That was something I really got into was smoking cigarettes smoking cigarettes smoking cigarettes and then I went to vaping and so I really want to get my lungs checked out especially having cancer run in my family. family. family. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But um yeah I I I need to get that checked out. I probably have no idea. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All he knows is I I sing my little to That's That's crazy. Yeah. I mean I mean like it's just almost like I mean I'm in shock right now because it's it's just thing after thing after thing after thing.

I mean it's you know Sounds fake. Sounds fake. Sounds fake. No. No. I I I didn't I didn't feel that. I just feel like it's it's um it's hard and it's it's just like it it doesn't sound fake to me. It just sounds sounds sounds Oh, I say it all the time. It doesn't sound real. sound real. sound real. It doesn't sound real in the sense of just like you can't believe someone survived it all. That's that's the hard part. It's like how how did someone survive it all and not end up, you know, it's almost like how did someone survive it all it all it all and have the approach you have to it?

That's what like sitting with you here today. today. today. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Knowing all of this and then hearing about it from you in detail and I'm like, how do you not you like, how do you not you know know know have a vice? How do I not have a vice of sorts? No, no, it's not even how you've gone in a fully different direction. I could also have a huge different outlook, you know? That's what I mean. It's it's the outlook that is the most um profound to me and and I'm really grateful for that.

Like it's it's quite it's beautiful to sit with that because I'm always looking for I was on tour this year earlier this year and I uh met this young girl who her stories just stayed with me ever since. And it was like she she was she's from here. She was a world champion cheerleader cheerleader cheerleader um winning all these competitions, traveling across the country, performing, etc. You know, everything that cheerleaders do. And then she had a freak accident. freak accident. freak accident. Um Um Um broke her, you know, broke her back spine.

She's a quadriplegic now. She is paralyzed paralyzed paralyzed um from her hands down. Uh, I met her in her wheelchair that she'd come to my event. She's 19 years old. She was 16 when it happened. Wow. Wow. Wow. And she was just bright and beaming and like the light in the like she was just, you know, brought so much light into the room. room. room. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I just couldn't believe like someone who'd been through that. She was telling me her story could be that like, you know, that powerful and vibrant and and everything else.

And it and I I tell her story and and I'm so grateful I get to share yours on the platform because these are the kind of stories that inspire me and make me look for the lesson and make me look for the gift and make me look because it's stories like yours and stories like hers and stories like so many others that I've had the fortune of talking to or people I look forward to meeting in the future that inspire me in my darkest moments um which are not as dark as that.

Not to compare but they're not. and so or is yours and yeah it's it's it's beautiful to think that you can find beauty and create beauty through so much. Yeah, it's it's inspiration for me just to be able to dude growing up I I wanted an outlet in music and I didn't know it. I didn't find it. I didn't see it, you know, until [gasps and sighs] heard Louisis Capaldi when I was like 18. I think I was 18 when I heard Lewis and he started writing about loss and that was something that was hugely inspirational for me like I I write about that now and that was a lot of that got me through a lot of stuff you know and so I think that was the biggest thing was like I wanted to be that for someone else.

I wanted to help other people whom I think the one thing that I did that was super selfish was assume that this was all me. I assume that this only happens to me and I'm the only one who has lost his parents and I'm the only one who goes through these feelings. And as I started to play these shows and as I started to write these songs, I've realized that it's it's way more than you think. No matter who you are, no matter what you do, no matter how much you make or what your skin color is, you you go through loss.

You understand that you have you have things that you lose every day. Your family members, your friends, your loved ones, you your dog. And that's the one thing that's universally I think connect everyone is understanding that piece of you that's gone and everyone tries not to talk about it. And so it's been the most beautiful thing about making music was has been able to be a it's one thing you can't articulate when you lose someone and going through grief. It's something you cannot articulate. You don't know how to go through it.

And everyone has a different vice on how to. And I think that's the biggest thing is making music that sounds like it. Making music that allows you to articulate that feeling, you know? And so I've just been really focusing on that. Yeah. I think that's I mean especially for especially for especially for things that can't be put into words, it feels like that's exactly where music comes to heal because you feel seen, you feel heard, you feel understood without having to say anything. Yeah. You can just put it on and and it's it's amazing to hear that Lewis was doing that.

Was there any other artists that you feel have opened that up and and gone there to that extent that impacted you? impacted you? impacted you? Probably Shawn Mendes. I think we were talking about Sean earlier too and Sean is um when I first wrote my first song I fully I'm so sorry Sean if you're I ripped off stitches fully I stole the four chords that he did and I just moved the capo around and [gasps] that's obviously a version before but that was a huge thing I songwriting my first four years of my life songwriting was just Shawn Mendes stitches chords moving around a capo and because I didn't know how to play guitar and it was a huge inspiration just listening his songwriting too and understanding, you know, his his, you know, understanding different ways people grow up and different things they go through and his songwriting was a huge inspiration for mine.

So, yeah, probably him. We love Sean. He's been a guest on the show, too. And he's um Yeah, he's absolutely special man. Yeah. So, wait, all of your music knowledge is fully self-taught. self-taught. self-taught. Yeah. [snorts] Yeah. And until I was about 20, 21, I really put out my first song and I was like, I need to take this. I need to do this and throw my whole my everything into it. I wanted to do it right. I wanted to obviously cuz music I had such a weird relationship with it my entire life that I I I definitely have really bad imposter syndrome.

So, I started taking music theory lessons. I started taking piano lessons. I take vocal lessons three times a week if not more still to this day for the last four years of my life. I started taking guitar lessons and you know asking how to produce and like you know when I'm in the studio how what do you do to my voice? How do you do that? What do you do to this instrument? How do you compress that? How do you EQ that? And when I'm doing my inear monitors, how what's the frequency you're taking out?

What is autotune tuned at? Is it 440 or 432? And um I think it's really interesting um just learning about it and kind of starting from scratch and re-evaluating what you understand about music. So yeah, a long I was selftaught for a very long time and then I really wanted to understand it all. Yeah, it's a I I love hearing the balance of both of just this pure passion pure passion pure passion and then mastery it sounds like where you're actually trying to put in the hours and the work and the you know the reps in a more formal capacity at the same time as having this years of just singing or musically or posting a video when there wasn't any training or or structure around it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I had to do it all myself and I realized that I was fortunate enough to be able to um have an arsenal of of help and so I just took it. it. it. Yeah. What did it feel like? Yeah. What did it feel like? You talked about you mentioned it earlier and I'm kind of looping back to it, but you talked about like how when you met your now wife Kova like that there was something special about that connection and I believe you met on Snapchat.

Yeah. Yeah. Which is which is amazing. Talk talk to me about how that happens. Talk new age. you're the new age Romeo and Juliet. Um no um she my friend had moved to Hawaii. She's from Hawaii and my friend had moved in with her and they were friends and so she would throw my wife cover on her story a lot and there was this photo and it's so funny cuz I tell the story at the time and she's like I hate that photo. My wife can sleep anywhere at any time in any position anytime.

Like I we she comes surfing with me in the morning and she'll fall asleep on the rock. Like I'm not kidding. There's photos of her sleeping on rocks. Um, there's a photo of her. The first photo I ever saw of her was her um sleeping in a weird position like this. And I texted my friend and I said, "That's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen and um we started talking on Snapchat." Yeah, we all want to feel better, to have more energy and more focus throughout the day.

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Let's do it." Dropped out of college. She had 500 bucks saved up. That's it. [snorts] She found out I was sleeping in a car and immediately was like, "All right, cool." Like, "Let's do it." it." it." That is the crazy. I am like That is the crazy. I am like I I I cannot believe she's amazing. I know. Yeah, she's she's I I'm Have you asked her like why she said yes to that? Like why? No, actually I should I should examine that. You're right. right.

right. Next time I want her on the podcast with you. you. you. I didn't I I I didn't expect when she said yes to go why. I was like, "Yeah, dude. I'm not going to question this." question this." question this." Did you ask her like you were like you were dating, things were going good. Did you ask her to move in with you? Like was it that kind of No, she just she did it. She It was It was straight up like I was sleeping in my car.

She was staying with a friend cuz she lived in Hawaii, but she came out to California just to visit. And then she was like, "Oh, cool. Yeah." And moved out of her friend's house, moved into my car. She had options. She she picked probably the one that no one would have picked. And I think that's the thing it taught me for me like that's something I probably would have done. You know, as I've said all these stories now, I feel like I'm one of those people who I trust my gut.

And it seemed like her gut was that and she didn't question it. And I I feel like that was kind of the indication of like, wow, this isn't a normal person. This is my person. How were your relationship before that? Did you have time for relationships? What did they look like through your teens? teens? teens? I was notoriously cheated on. I was Well, I think I looked for Well, I think I looked for what I was missing in my home life and in girls. I mean, I I've met my wife when I was 18.

So, like, you got to think think think all everything before that was probably not real, but or not real, but just not necessarily, I would say, mature. I I was a clingy guy. Like, I was a super clingy guy who needed, you know, who didn't trust anyone. I got cheated on every relationship. I was not a catch by any means, you know? So, I think relationships before were just me trying to figure out who I was, but also what I wanted in a partner, you know.

know. know. Was it difficult accepting love from COA because you'd not had consistent love before? before? before? Yeah, it was definitely. I I took me a second to be secure with my relationship. Probably took me a year or two, to be frank with you, man. I I I don't think I was secure at all. I think I just had so much baggage. I had so much [ __ ] in my life. I my mom was alive at the time and my mom made it a mission to make my life hell.

So my mom said some pretty choice words to my girlfriend or now wife at the at the time. time. time. What did she say? She sent her a whole message pretty much being like, you know, calling her a [ __ ] and saying all these things. My mom was probably the most My mom was an amazing person, but when she was drunk, she was probably the most racist, homophobic, rude person I ever grew up with, which kind of showed me. My mom, I will say this, and again, I love my mother, but she showed me exactly who I didn't want to be, you know, and um hence why I go by Alex Warren.

It's my mom. I I didn't want anything my mom did ever reflect on me cuz I am not that person. I never want to be that person. And so I started going by my not real name because I never wanted that part of that to be associated with me. But um my mom was not a kind person when she was drunk and she made it a mission to attack anyone in her life. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. Which is probably an insecurity thing in herself. herself. herself. Was the name change an identity shift unsettling or did it just feel felt right?

Felt normal. Felt felt it [snorts] gave me so much easement. You know, my mom was just very vocal about things that I didn't agree with. I wish I feel like everyone has that, you know. I can't I don't think Thanksgiving are necessarily everyone's favorite thing, you know. So, where who did you celebrate Thanksgiving with? with? with? Family. Yeah. Yeah. My older sister and my brother. Yeah. And Yeah. So, we went out and we went to their house for Thanksgiving, which was nice. Yeah. How how cathartic was it to have your music career take off in the same year as your mom passed away?

Like did that mean something to you? Did that have certain emotions attached to it for you? you? you? I have never thought of the correlation. Uh wow. wow. Yeah. I didn't even realize those are the same years. I never thought about it like that. Um yeah, I think I'm right. You are. You are. I put my first song out in June of 2021 and she died in October of 2021. That's crazy. I don't know. I I've never thought about that. I I That's cool. That's cool.

That's cool. I I don't know how to react to that. I think it's something that I'd have to probably process. Yeah, of course. No, of course. Please. Didn't mean to shock you. Just No, no, no. I mean, it's not that Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. I I appreciate appreciate appreciate it's not this revolutionary thing. It's more of it's more of like it's it's I I definitely feel like my what has now spewed of my music career is something that you know has been dealing with those things.

And the fact that that happened the same year I pursued music I feel like it's just another one of those things that have just happened that you kind of have to wonder what the hell is happening in my life. life. life. Yeah. Yeah. It's Yeah. It's Yeah. life is just there's so many moments like that that are yeah you you can't explain them because you go how how is it possible that these two things coincide in a matter of months so many so many things in my life you know [clears throat] to the point where it's like you know I I'm baffled by it every time so many sliding doors moments in your life too I'm almost like well what if you and your mom didn't have that fight where you were pinned and you didn't run away and what would happen if you didn't get a shot and become really close to, you know, your friend's dad who, you know, was the officient of your like there's and everyone has that.

Everyone has those. Yours seem quite um there's just there's just really high tension moments of just of just of just figuring that out. Talk to me about the wedding with Kova. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How long were you together before you got married? got married? got married? 5 years. 5 years. 5 years. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 5 years until I proposed. 6 years until we got married. And u get married. What? Where did you get married? We got married in Tmacula. Okay. Yeah. So, I I'm from San Diego.

So, it was something cool. We We got married at a garden. Um Tmacula is beautiful. Yeah. I I was terrified. The Oh, the wedding or Tmacula? The The wedding Tmacula is a great place. Um, no, the wedding I I was I wanted it to be perfect and it's so [sighs] [sighs] [sighs] it's so crazy when you have family and every and you invite a bunch of people and I wanted this big wedding cuz I think that there was so many people that were a huge part of my life, you know, like so many people are the byproducts of who I am today and so I invited everyone in my life.

I think there was 300 people at my wedding. Um, looking back at that, I probably would have shrunk it a little bit. But yeah, I think everyone just wanted it to be a particular way because they wanted it to be like their wedding. And I think, you know, that rehearsal dinner was terrifying. It was it nothing went to plan. Nothing went to plan at the rehearsal dinner or the rehearsal in general. And the minute the wedding actually happened, it was perfect. It was perfection. It was I I could not have dreamed of a better wedding.

And it was it was amazing. It was so cool to be able to I mean, even like my vows, I I don't think I'll ever write a piece of work better than those. And do you sing or do you sing? No. Okay. No. Okay. No. Okay. I I I didn't want to work on my wedding and I with the vows I also just wanted to make sure that I said everything I wanted to, you know, and I think that's the biggest regret in my life is I never got to say the things I wanted to and the time that I had and the wedding was something for me where I thought that would be the perfect time to say everything I've ever wanted to to her.

And so I spent, [clears throat] you know, the better half of that night prior just perfecting those vows. And I remember before I even went out, I read it over again and I was like, do I want to do a grammar change? What like it was so funny and I it just it came from the heart and it was so special. special. special. Yeah, that's that's beautiful. Yeah. I'm a big I'm a sucker for love and I've officiated few weddings and um whenever I'm officiating a wedding, my my voice in my head is don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

because I love love so much that I can just like fully break down and I'm like tearing over like you know the bride walking down the aisle and then the look in the husband's husband to be's eyes and the groom's eyes and it's just yeah it's it's a magical moment and vows are probably my favorite part that's the part where I really have to hold it together and uh it's it's um yeah wedding weddings are a beautiful thing I remember I broke down saying my own vows to my wife oh my god when I gave my speech and it was just like just you know she she was laughing she was cracking which is so in uh I love that indicative of our relationship, right?

Yeah. What are the parts of your I I find this and I'm intrigued to hear what you say about this. You said that you learned from your mom who you didn't want to be Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What are the parts of your mom that you sometimes see in yourself when you're dealing with cover or anyone? anyone? anyone? I'm stubborn. I'm really stubborn, man. I mean, h that's difficult. I think I spent so much time arguing with my mom that I I just became so argumentative, you know, and I think that's like my biggest thing and my biggest struggle is I think I just want to win every argument now.

You know, know, know, growing up with my mom, my entire relationship with her was trying to prove that she had a problem and trying to spin my words a certain way to articulate to her that she had a problem. You know, if I said it one way, she would tell me that she didn't have a problem and shut it down. So every time I had that, I had to articulate it a different way. Try to give her a pers perspective. Big metaphor guy because I always tried to correlate to someone who's I always wondered how someone's brain worked that they couldn't admit that they had a problem or couldn't understand that if you're getting drunk at 5:00 a.m.

and driving your kids drunk to school, right? So I'd find different ways to try and communicate with that with her cuz I always thought it was a communication error and it was never that. And that was my problem is it was never a communication error. It was not wanting to admit you had a problem and but you knowing it did. So for me, you know, now that I'm that's a better half of my entire life. You know, I catch myself arguing with my wife trying to win opposed to trying to understand where they're coming from.

You know, it's like you hear something and that's the biggest thing is the last two years of my life have been me just trying to put myself in other people's shoes because that's the one thing I carried away from it was whenever someone would argue with me, I didn't care about how they felt. I cared about winning the argument and I had to take a step back. And I think once I started music especially and just really writing records, it really kind of changed who I am now.

And I've been able to really emotionally be present in a lot of things and understand that, you know, how someone feels is important, you know, and I I know that. And after I remember after every argument, I'd be like, "Wow, I'm a piece of shit." I didn't like I obviously care. I obviously care, but during that moment, it just it was instinct of just to be combative. And so I remember it would be an hourong conversation just for it to end with, I'm sorry. Like that's not I can relate.

I'm with you. I can relate. relate. relate. You know, and so it's just that's been definitely one of the things I've carried for my mom is just truly like, you know, that relationship where there was just so that you know. What are the cycles you and Kovville want to break for your kids? I know you said the goal is to become a dad. And um [sighs and gasps] the cycles I think wow I don't know. I think more about how I'm terrified to be a parent because I don't want to do it wrong, you know, especially with the way I grew up.

I grew up without a dad. How am I supposed to understand what that's like if I never had it, you know? And so what I've really thought about is just the fact that I'm I want to be a girl dad so bad. Like I don't know what it is. I just think I would thrive with a with a girl. And um I think the biggest thing is, you know, the only thing you can do right is love them unconditionally and try your best to to to raise them.

You know, there is no right way. There is no proper thing. It's just going to be me trying to trying to trying to be the best father I can be. I think with things that we're trying to break, I'm not sure. I haven't given that much thought. I haven't necessarily thought about what that might look like yet, you know, which is going to be an interesting conversation or at least interesting thought process when I go into it. into it. into it. Yeah, definitely. I'm excited to see what you both come out with because I feel like there's you have so many great reflections and pinpoints and like almost you know I I I've really battled with not when she gets pregnant I don't want to tell anyone.

I don't want to post about it. I don't want to that's been the one thing I really everything in my life is private or is not private. Granted I tell you everything and I I love that aspect of my life and I think I battle the one thing I battle with is I'm so insecure now. I'm so I have the worst imposter syndrome. I care about what everyone thinks about me. Really, Really, Really, I care so much if I have a thousand comments and one of them is someone saying I suck.

I walk around all day asking people if I suck. Wait, but this person said I sucked. Like, do I actually suck? Like, and wait, was this fine? Was I off here? And like I I [snorts] could never put my kid through that unless they wanted to, but I I wouldn't. I I don't know if I could ever. Do you know how distraught I'd be if I decided to share a photo with my kid and someone's like, "That kid's ugly." Are you kidding? I'm not going to put them through that.

I'm going to put myself through that knowing my jeans. my jeans. my jeans. No, but I don't know. But my wife is like she loves talking about the loves like she loves like posting about stuff. So, it's definitely been a thing where like that's been a huge conversation is is posting about that. And I don't think I will. Has that been the Because you know when you look at your life and you think you've been through so much hardship. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's fascinating that a comment saying you suck still hurts.

It just shows us as humans we're all wired so similarly like doesn't matter that you've dealt with way harder things in your life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Having a thou having a like having you said the one out of thousand comment that says you suck. It still hurts because we all don't want to be hated or unlike. Has that been the hardest thing about this rise and the music getting so much love and [snorts] affection of course across the world comes with it naturally proportionately comes you know people who don't like it or whatever it may be.

Has that been the hardest thing about it? it? it? Yeah, I think so. I think again like I said like the music I make is so real to me. me. me. It's about my personal life. It's hard not to take it personal. So many people are like, "Oh, it's art. Don't take it personal." They're judging your art. They're not judging you and it's my art is me, you know? And that's You're writing one more. I love you. [snorts] [snorts] [snorts] Yeah. Like that was, you know, I'm not thinking about the song and how you don't like it.

I'm thinking about the fact that there's a 15-year-old kid who wrote that in his bedroom trying to get over loss, you know, and and that's the hardest part for it. And I also think it's like, you know, I think it's probably my mom's voice. When I look for that comment, I'm looking for my mom in some random way. If I had a therapist, I bet you would say that. But yeah, it's just been like one of those situations in my life especially. I've just really kind of It's the hardest thing, dude.

I am the most insecure mother over me, which most of us are. Most what I've learned is most people in this industry are the most insecure people where you think they have it all together and everything's being held together by tape and and and nails. nails. nails. What are you insecure about? Everything. I am everything. I think it's so easy for me to say all these different things because it's true and I believe it, but at the same time, I look in the mirror and I I you know, not even the way I look.

I just wish I these songs are so true. These songs are so real and I want them to be perfect every time and that's not humanly possible. I want I want I've worked so hard and I just want people to think I'm good enough, you know, because like I I think that'll convince me I'm good enough. And so when I see comments that, you know, are hateful, I think that's the truth. And I think everyone who's being nice is just gaslighting me, which is a perception thing that I need to work on.

Yeah. Do you feel enough today? Yeah, I had a really good show last night and you know I like it's funny it fluctuates but like I don't know I've been feeling the love recently. I think the hardest part about being nominated for the Grammys and all these different things is it opens people up who do not like you to fully just [ __ ] on you. That's been the one thing I've really had to like critics or online everyone. I think like you know more now than ever it's per like I think because I'm a Christian who writes songs about my wife people think they know who I am or they assume I'm some thing you know whether it's political or they think that I believe in this and like I've seen the most outlandish things said about me on the internet and it's the biggest thing is like I just don't comment on it cuz like those people I'm not going to change their mind you know if you think I'm some racist sister or whatever this thing because you think because I'm a Christian.

I think that's the craziest thing in the world, you know, and my faith is is has to do with, you know, with my parents passing away and and who I am today, you know, and it's just been it's been such a struggle to kind of watch people say things about me that is not true, you know, and all of a sudden I just have to be okay with it and not say anything cuz that's the right play, you know? You you you fight for yourself. These these people aren't going to believe you, you They're just going to be like, "Oh, you're just saying that because you sold your soul." And it's like, "What?

What?" What?" What?" Yeah. I I I came up with a rule a few years ago that really helped me process stuff. I was like, the closer you get to the top 1% of whatever industry you're in, in, in, the more likely it is that 50% of people disagree with you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And and that math helped it make sense because because because I remember when my comment section was just like the nicest place on earth. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, like when it was cute and cozy and everything else and then you just realize you're like, "Okay, scale means disagreement.

It means disconnection. It means debate, whatever it means." And and you realize that it's not a reflection of you, me, or anyone else. It's it's normally just a reflection of too many opinions. And and just that and and one thing that's really helped me a lot is recognizing that hate is loud and love is usually soft and quiet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that hate is so aggressive and direct, but love is so indirect and subtle in how we share it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I've tried really hard over the last couple of years to take So before I used to be indifferent to both.

And what's really helped me recently is to be to be to be as gracious in receiving love. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As I was serious about reading hate. Ooh. So when I used to read the hateful comments, you read them and you take them seriously. I get that feeling that you read one bad comment like I must suck and you check in with everyone. So you're taking it so seriously. So if I'm going to take it that seriously, I need to take the love as graciously as I took that.

And so now if someone says to me, Jay, I listen to this episode with which I'm sure people would with Alex and like I couldn't believe Alex was, you know, it's like I would try and take that in far more graciously and presently than I ever would. ever would. ever would. Yeah. Because I recognize that I have to rewire my brain. Not to only listen to the good stuff or only think positive. That's not the goal. But to truly let my heart and soul feel the impact because I definitely let my heart and soul feel the impact of someone, you know, trying to hurt me.

110%. It's it's such a strange thing to like like like I think that was the one part that was really hard for me to turn off was the fact that I want to defend myself every second. You know, I see so many things about me on the internet that are not true. And everyone just assumes these things because of who I am or how I'm perceived on the internet. And so it's just like a weird thing of just like you want to bet so badly be like, "No, no, I'm not like that.

Look, like I I'm this." And it's like it doesn't matter. [clears throat] Like people are going to believe whatever the hell they want to believe anyway. But that's the hardest thing is shutting the up. Yeah. Yeah. I remember once I said, "I wish I could sit down one-on-one with every single person." Yes. Who doesn't understand? if I could just hold their hands for a moment and look in their eyes and explain my intention and what I was going through and what I was struggling, you know, whatever it may be.

And I know I can't do that physically. So, you know, you know, you know, it's crazy. it's crazy. it's crazy. Yeah. But I get I hope one day that some I hope one day that some people just realize my intentions. My intention is just to make music that can help people. help people. help people. Everything past that, it doesn't matter. Like I think that's the problem is like everyone looks at these things so much and they view it as arbitrary and they just want to hate on things that they may not like.

And I think if you give everything a chance like I there's so much music that I may not like love, right? But I respect the fact that they're trying. I think that's the biggest thing in life right now is like there's so many popular musicians right now where their fandoms are like, "Oh, Alex because this this this." And it's like, "Dude, do you not realize all of us are friends behind the scenes? all of us are rooting each other on, you know, and like that's the one thing is like I feel like you're it's just such a strange and obviously it's the job.

It's so the job, but coming from being a fan to then doing it, it's the craziest thing. It's the craziest thing being in it and like understanding it and and and being like, "Wow, like I understand why people don't say anything. It sucks that you can't, you know?" you know?" you know?" Yeah. And it and it's so hard because we're also living in a time where I think everyone's like, "Let's be sensitive about each other's mental health and let's really be thoughtful about how we make people feel and then and then over nothing like just over almost like a it's almost like a treating music and art like a sports team, you know." But um Alex, it's been such a joy talking to you and I've truly hope this is the beginning of um getting to know you better and getting to know you more.

I've I've loved every moment of your openness, your vulnerability, and I I really appreciate just how truly transparent you're willing to be in order to help people and help people understand your music better. And I think that's why your music has resonated so strongly and deeply with me and, you know, billions of people around the world because I believe that everything you shared today is exactly what we're hearing and feeling in your music. and I felt this as deeply as we do the chords and the the singing and all the work that comes through with you.

So, thank you so much. Thank you. I don't feel like you realize how much I needed this. Obviously, this was really really important for me. Well, that means a lot to me. Uh we we end every episode of On Purpose with a final five. final five. final five. These questions have to be answered in one sentence each. Cool. Cool. Cool. So, Alex Warren, these are your final five. five. five. Okay. The first question is, and we ask this to every guest, the first question is, what is the best advice you've ever heard or received?

I've actually never received any advice I think I've I've used, but I would say the best advice would be um Wait, I forgot. This is one sentence. No, no, that's fine. That's fine. You can do that. I'm going to let you do that anyway. Everything happens for a reason. You Whatever happens in your life, run with it. it. it. Mhm. Okay. Uh, second question. What is the worst advice you've ever heard or received? received? received? Give up. Give up. Give up. Who said that to you?

My mom. My mom. My mom. How many times? Too many. Too many. Too many. To the point where I stopped believing it. So, that was definitely the thing. And I think it fueled me to even keep going more. going more. going more. So, sometimes it's great when someone repeats bad advice because you get desensitized from it is what I'm taking away from your your brain and how it works. I want to scan your brain one day. day. day. Me, too. Me, too. Me, too. Yeah, we should do that.

Yeah, I would love to do that. We all the colors. Yeah. Yeah. I have a lot of neuroscientists on the show, so we'll have to we'd have to have to we'll have to we'd have to figure that out. That'd be really special to do. That's we'll we'll arrange that. Uh, question number three. I'd love for you to leave a video for your kids here on the podcast so that really Yeah, that would make my day. All right, cool. Which camera do I look in? in? in?

Uh, that one. Yeah. All right. Hey kids, it's your dad. Um, I'm sitting here right now with uh probably your uncle at this point or I don't know, he's around a lot and I don't know if he's eating out of our fridge or what he's doing, but I just want you to know that I love you so much and I pretty much talked about you this entire podcast and um if you want to learn more about me and watch it. watch it. watch it. I love that.

That's beautiful. Thank you. you. you. Thank you for letting me do that. That's cool. cool. cool. It's so cool. I just love it. I love I do that all the time. I love that you do it all the time. Like you're inspiring me to want to do it. like I'm going to start doing it because of you. of you. of you. It's the best and I got it from my dad and I think it's the most special thing especially when they're born I'm going to have a camera everywhere so they know that like so they just have that moments.

moments. moments. Yeah. You're so young but did you watch that show How I Met Your Mother? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. It's like that to me is just, you know, I love that show and I never thought of it. So you inspired it. I love it. Uh question number four. Uh if you could talk to your father today, what would you say to him? Am Am Am I everything you wanted me to be? I care more about what my dad thinks than anything. And so as I live life, and I think you asked me this so many times today, and I didn't have an answer, and as I'm saying this, I think I know it, is you ask why I have this outlook on life and how I do based on the things I've gone through.

And I think it's really easy to when you have um a person or you believe someone's looking down at you. And I like to think that my dad's proud of me. And so that's the thing is, you know, everything I do, I try to be moral and I try to do the right thing because I truly believe that my dad is uh watching. I hope one day we get to see those videos in some capacity. I would show you anytime. Yeah, that's I kind of if he was able to infuse that much morality, love, kindness, empathy, you'd love them.

I know. Just after this conversation, it's love those videos. Really special. Yeah. Genuinely so powerful. Uh fifth and final question. We ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show. Alex, if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? Be nice to your neighbor. Treat your neighbor the way you want to be treated. I think that's one we've lost so much is everyone now more than ever needs it. Where we are today, there's so much hate and there's so much judgment and that's now more than ever.

I just think that everyone needs to be treated the way that they would like to be treated. Alex Warren, I'm so excited to see you at the Grammys. I'm excited to see you. I'm going to be there. I'm uh really looking forward to seeing you, you know, hopefully win, putting it out there, manifesting right now. Uh, it would be wonderful to be there and see you get that award that you so deeply deserve. And And And I can't wait to watch Leon Thomas win it. I appreciate you.

Thank you so much. I mean it. I look such a I mean it. I look such a pleasure. Truly. pleasure. Truly. pleasure. Truly. Thank you. Thank you. You're awesome, man. Such a great guy. That was so needed. If you love this episode, you'll really enjoy my episode with Selena Gomez on befriending your inner critic and how to speak to yourself with more compassion. My fears are only going to continue to show me what I'm capable of. The more that I face my fears, the more that I feel I'm gaining strength.

I'm gaining wisdom and I just want to keep doing