Why You’re Obsessed, Anxious, & Still Single - Mercedes Coffman

I've heard you say that avoidant culture I've heard you say that avoidant culture is changing relationship expectations. is changing relationship expectations. is changing relationship expectations. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> How so? >> How so? >> How so? >> Well, there's a couple of different >> Well, there's a couple of different >> Well, there's a couple of different reasons. I mean, I think avoidance reasons. I mean, I think avoidance reasons. I mean, I think avoidance culture is making people have to culture is making people have to culture is making people have to minimize themselves because we're minimize themselves because we're minimize themselves because we're interconnected human beings. We need to interconnected human beings. We need to interconnected human beings. We need to be connected to other beings, right? It be connected to other beings, right? It be connected to other beings, right? It regulates our nervous system. It makes regulates our nervous system. It makes regulates our nervous system. It makes us feel good. It stabilizes us. And so us feel good. It stabilizes us. And so us feel good. It stabilizes us. And so nowadays with everything being nowadays with everything being nowadays with everything being expedited, we live in an era of expedited, we live in an era of expedited, we live in an era of immediacy and everything is geared immediacy and everything is geared immediacy and everything is geared towards reinforcing avoidance versus towards reinforcing avoidance versus towards reinforcing avoidance versus intimacy. Everything is about intimacy. Everything is about intimacy. Everything is about instant gratification, instant gratification, instant gratification, getting results right away. And so getting results right away. And so getting results right away. And so people, especially emotionally available people, especially emotionally available people, especially emotionally available people, which is who I largely work with people, which is who I largely work with people, which is who I largely work with as far as my clientele, they're noticing as far as my clientele, they're noticing as far as my clientele, they're noticing that they're lowering their standards in that they're lowering their standards in that they're lowering their standards in order to keep a relationship. And so the order to keep a relationship. And so the order to keep a relationship. And so the only way that now people see an only way that now people see an only way that now people see an opportunity for a relationship or opportunity for a relationship or opportunity for a relationship or maintaining a relationship is by maintaining a relationship is by maintaining a relationship is by changing their standards. Otherwise they changing their standards. Otherwise they changing their standards. Otherwise they feel like there's no hope left because feel like there's no hope left because feel like there's no hope left because especially in dating apps everything is especially in dating apps everything is especially in dating apps everything is about convenience and speed about convenience and speed about convenience and speed about disposability and nobody really about disposability and nobody really about disposability and nobody really wants to take the time to have gradual wants to take the time to have gradual wants to take the time to have gradual development. development. development. >> Is that avoidant culture? Yes. >> Is that avoidant culture? Yes. >> Is that avoidant culture? Yes. >> Is that how you would define avoidant >> Is that how you would define avoidant >> Is that how you would define avoidant culture? culture? culture? >> Yes. So avoidant culture is really just >> Yes. So avoidant culture is really just >> Yes. So avoidant culture is really just avoiding anything that's inconveniencing avoiding anything that's inconveniencing avoiding anything that's inconveniencing or anything that causes discomfort. or anything that causes discomfort. or anything that causes discomfort. Meaning anything that takes too much Meaning anything that takes too much Meaning anything that takes too much time, anything that requires too much time, anything that requires too much time, anything that requires too much effort, anything that requires effort, anything that requires effort, anything that requires consistency or follow through that would consistency or follow through that would consistency or follow through that would basically fall into avoidant culture. basically fall into avoidant culture. basically fall into avoidant culture. And nowadays, especially on most of the And nowadays, especially on most of the And nowadays, especially on most of the dating apps, they're designed for that. dating apps, they're designed for that. dating apps, they're designed for that. They're designed for rewarding avoidance They're designed for rewarding avoidance They're designed for rewarding avoidance because it's all about novelty. It's because it's all about novelty. It's because it's all about novelty. It's about dopamine. It's about new matches about dopamine. It's about new matches about dopamine. It's about new matches every single day and nobody really every single day and nobody really every single day and nobody really spends the time to emotionally invest in spends the time to emotionally invest in spends the time to emotionally invest in one particular relationship anymore. one particular relationship anymore. one particular relationship anymore. >> How does being with someone avoidant >> How does being with someone avoidant >> How does being with someone avoidant psychologically transform you? psychologically transform you? psychologically transform you? >> Well, there's several different ways. >> Well, there's several different ways. >> Well, there's several different ways. It's terrible for the nervous system. It's terrible for the nervous system. It's terrible for the nervous system. first because an avoidant person first because an avoidant person first because an avoidant person although for example an emotionally although for example an emotionally although for example an emotionally unavailable person who largely is unavailable person who largely is unavailable person who largely is avoidant they don't just present avoidant they don't just present avoidant they don't just present themselves as emotionally unavailable themselves as emotionally unavailable themselves as emotionally unavailable they usually present themselves with they usually present themselves with they usually present themselves with intensity with lovebombing and so you intensity with lovebombing and so you intensity with lovebombing and so you get pulled into that dynamic pretty get pulled into that dynamic pretty get pulled into that dynamic pretty quickly even if you're an emotionally quickly even if you're an emotionally quickly even if you're an emotionally available person and so now you're available person and so now you're available person and so now you're getting attached to an emotionally getting attached to an emotionally getting attached to an emotionally unavailable person but once you start unavailable person but once you start unavailable person but once you start requiring effort and consistency and requiring effort and consistency and requiring effort and consistency and substance of the relationship. A lot of substance of the relationship. A lot of substance of the relationship. A lot of these people tend to reveal their true these people tend to reveal their true these people tend to reveal their true selves which is a lack of capacity. They selves which is a lack of capacity. They selves which is a lack of capacity. They cannot sustain relationship cannot sustain relationship cannot sustain relationship responsibilities and so your nervous responsibilities and so your nervous responsibilities and so your nervous system has this you know it starts to system has this you know it starts to system has this you know it starts to get attached and then it slowly starts get attached and then it slowly starts get attached and then it slowly starts to have to withdraw which is kind of to have to withdraw which is kind of to have to withdraw which is kind of like this dopamine spike of excitement like this dopamine spike of excitement like this dopamine spike of excitement but then there's a crash because this but then there's a crash because this but then there's a crash because this emotionally unavailable person pulls emotionally unavailable person pulls emotionally unavailable person pulls away. they become more and more avoidant away. they become more and more avoidant away. they become more and more avoidant and what tends to happen is you're now and what tends to happen is you're now and what tends to happen is you're now dealing with micro grief. You're now dealing with micro grief. You're now dealing with micro grief. You're now wondering what happened and your nervous wondering what happened and your nervous wondering what happened and your nervous system now is spiking in cortisol which system now is spiking in cortisol which system now is spiking in cortisol which is your stress hormones. And so a lot of is your stress hormones. And so a lot of is your stress hormones. And so a lot of the times this changes people because the times this changes people because the times this changes people because they are experiencing fatigue, mood they are experiencing fatigue, mood they are experiencing fatigue, mood disorders, uh sleep disturbances, disorders, uh sleep disturbances, disorders, uh sleep disturbances, appetite disorders. So I think that appetite disorders. So I think that appetite disorders. So I think that avoidance in general and emotional avoidance in general and emotional avoidance in general and emotional unavailability is changing people's unavailability is changing people's unavailability is changing people's nervous system and it is much more nervous system and it is much more nervous system and it is much more harmful than we think it actually is. harmful than we think it actually is. harmful than we think it actually is. >> In that way, does modern dating punish >> In that way, does modern dating punish >> In that way, does modern dating punish emotionally available people? emotionally available people? emotionally available people? >> Yes. Yes. And it doesn't it's not that >> Yes. Yes. And it doesn't it's not that >> Yes. Yes. And it doesn't it's not that modern dating apps are designed to modern dating apps are designed to modern dating apps are designed to punish emotionally available people. punish emotionally available people. punish emotionally available people. It's that it is reinforcing emotional It's that it is reinforcing emotional It's that it is reinforcing emotional unavailability. M so the people who are unavailability. M so the people who are unavailability. M so the people who are emotionally unavailable have a much emotionally unavailable have a much emotionally unavailable have a much better time on dating apps than the better time on dating apps than the better time on dating apps than the emotionally available people. emotionally available people. emotionally available people. >> Why? >> Why? >> Why? >> Because emotionally unavailable people >> Because emotionally unavailable people >> Because emotionally unavailable people are looking for dopamine. They're are looking for dopamine. They're are looking for dopamine. They're looking for comfort. They do not want to looking for comfort. They do not want to looking for comfort. They do not want to put in a lot of effort in a put in a lot of effort in a put in a lot of effort in a relationship. They they do not have the relationship. They they do not have the relationship. They they do not have the capacity to put a lot of effort into it. capacity to put a lot of effort into it. capacity to put a lot of effort into it. Whereas emotionally available people are Whereas emotionally available people are Whereas emotionally available people are looking for consistency and looking for consistency and looking for consistency and followthrough and to focus on one person followthrough and to focus on one person followthrough and to focus on one person at a time. And dating apps and swipe at a time. And dating apps and swipe at a time. And dating apps and swipe culture is all about the dopamine of culture is all about the dopamine of culture is all about the dopamine of more and more and more. And the more more and more and more. And the more more and more and more. And the more options we have, the less invested we options we have, the less invested we options we have, the less invested we are in those options. are in those options. are in those options. >> Why are emotionally available people >> Why are emotionally available people >> Why are emotionally available people particularly vulnerable? What is it particularly vulnerable? What is it particularly vulnerable? What is it about them that makes them about them that makes them about them that makes them on the receiving end of this? on the receiving end of this? on the receiving end of this? >> Because emotionally available people are >> Because emotionally available people are >> Because emotionally available people are looking for depth. And there is very looking for depth. And there is very looking for depth. And there is very little of that in modern dating or little of that in modern dating or little of that in modern dating or modern day in general. Everybody is modern day in general. Everybody is modern day in general. Everybody is looking for quick results and nobody's looking for quick results and nobody's looking for quick results and nobody's really looking to invest in things that really looking to invest in things that really looking to invest in things that causes discomfort or inconvenience. So causes discomfort or inconvenience. So causes discomfort or inconvenience. So emotionally available people, they want emotionally available people, they want emotionally available people, they want something of substance. They want a something of substance. They want a something of substance. They want a relationship that will go the the whole relationship that will go the the whole relationship that will go the the whole way. They want the slow burn. They want way. They want the slow burn. They want way. They want the slow burn. They want gradual development. Yet what happens is gradual development. Yet what happens is gradual development. Yet what happens is they get pulled in by an emotionally they get pulled in by an emotionally they get pulled in by an emotionally unavailable person and then contact unavailable person and then contact unavailable person and then contact slowly starts to decrease and eventually slowly starts to decrease and eventually slowly starts to decrease and eventually ghosting starts to occur which is ghosting starts to occur which is ghosting starts to occur which is detrimental to the nervous system. And detrimental to the nervous system. And detrimental to the nervous system. And then a lot of emotionally un emotionally then a lot of emotionally un emotionally then a lot of emotionally un emotionally available people deal with these crashes available people deal with these crashes available people deal with these crashes where they just do not trust themselves where they just do not trust themselves where they just do not trust themselves anymore and they don't trust the dating anymore and they don't trust the dating anymore and they don't trust the dating sites or dating in general. And so sites or dating in general. And so sites or dating in general. And so that's why I think there's this that's why I think there's this that's why I think there's this loneliness that we're seeing in modern loneliness that we're seeing in modern loneliness that we're seeing in modern day now because emotionally available day now because emotionally available day now because emotionally available people don't trust it and emotionally people don't trust it and emotionally people don't trust it and emotionally unavailable people don't sustain any unavailable people don't sustain any unavailable people don't sustain any particular connection particular connection particular connection >> presumably then if emotionally available >> presumably then if emotionally available >> presumably then if emotionally available people people people >> leave the dating pool or become damaged >> leave the dating pool or become damaged >> leave the dating pool or become damaged and become emotionally unavailable or and become emotionally unavailable or and become emotionally unavailable or closed off that's bad for everyone. It's closed off that's bad for everyone. It's closed off that's bad for everyone. It's kind of like a race to the bottom where kind of like a race to the bottom where kind of like a race to the bottom where the few emotionally unavailable people the few emotionally unavailable people the few emotionally unavailable people the very few emotionally unavailable the very few emotionally unavailable the very few emotionally unavailable people become emotionally available by people become emotionally available by people become emotionally available by dating someone who's emotionally dating someone who's emotionally dating someone who's emotionally available available available >> but way more available people drop out >> but way more available people drop out >> but way more available people drop out or become hurt by it. So it's kind of or become hurt by it. So it's kind of or become hurt by it. So it's kind of this entropy in the system where the this entropy in the system where the this entropy in the system where the people who are prepared to be open say people who are prepared to be open say people who are prepared to be open say this is what I want this is what I want this is what I want the likelihood of them becoming damaged the likelihood of them becoming damaged the likelihood of them becoming damaged it's a one-way street. Mhm. it's a one-way street. Mhm. it's a one-way street. Mhm. >> Rarely do people that are broken get >> Rarely do people that are broken get >> Rarely do people that are broken get fixed, but people that are already fixed fixed, but people that are already fixed fixed, but people that are already fixed become broken. become broken. become broken. >> Yes. Sadly, and it doesn't mean that >> Yes. Sadly, and it doesn't mean that >> Yes. Sadly, and it doesn't mean that there aren't emotionally available there aren't emotionally available there aren't emotionally available people in the world or in the dating. I people in the world or in the dating. I people in the world or in the dating. I I'm I work with lots of emotionally I'm I work with lots of emotionally I'm I work with lots of emotionally available clients, males and females. available clients, males and females. available clients, males and females. The issue is is that they're not easy to The issue is is that they're not easy to The issue is is that they're not easy to find, right? And nowadays, we're looking find, right? And nowadays, we're looking find, right? And nowadays, we're looking for what's easy to find, what's for what's easy to find, what's for what's easy to find, what's convenient, right? If you look at convenient, right? If you look at convenient, right? If you look at everything is expedited. We want to find everything is expedited. We want to find everything is expedited. We want to find somebody on a dating app. We don't go somebody on a dating app. We don't go somebody on a dating app. We don't go out to meet people anymore. We don't out to meet people anymore. We don't out to meet people anymore. We don't really have uh social groups and social really have uh social groups and social really have uh social groups and social circles or community events. And so a circles or community events. And so a circles or community events. And so a lot of us and a lot of people are lot of us and a lot of people are lot of us and a lot of people are relying on dating apps to find a match relying on dating apps to find a match relying on dating apps to find a match and to find someone who is compatible. and to find someone who is compatible. and to find someone who is compatible. The issue with that is is that that is The issue with that is is that that is The issue with that is is that that is built for speed. And so emotionally built for speed. And so emotionally built for speed. And so emotionally available people do not have a community available people do not have a community available people do not have a community where they can go and say, "Oh, these where they can go and say, "Oh, these where they can go and say, "Oh, these are other emotionally available people are other emotionally available people are other emotionally available people who want to go the distance, who want to who want to go the distance, who want to who want to go the distance, who want to just focus on me and don't have five or just focus on me and don't have five or just focus on me and don't have five or 15 other matches in their app." 15 other matches in their app." 15 other matches in their app." >> Wouldn't it be good if there was a some >> Wouldn't it be good if there was a some >> Wouldn't it be good if there was a some sort of psychometric evaluation that sort of psychometric evaluation that sort of psychometric evaluation that people had to go through or you had to people had to go through or you had to people had to go through or you had to keep some sort of running CV like a keep some sort of running CV like a keep some sort of running CV like a trust pilot score? You got to have a trust pilot score? You got to have a trust pilot score? You got to have a trust pilot. You got a emotional trust pilot. You got a emotional trust pilot. You got a emotional availability score out of five availability score out of five availability score out of five >> and if you manage to stay above a four, >> and if you manage to stay above a four, >> and if you manage to stay above a four, >> you get to be on the app. And if not, >> you get to be on the app. And if not, >> you get to be on the app. And if not, you have to go away and build up your you have to go away and build up your you have to go away and build up your Uber rating back to above a four and Uber rating back to above a four and Uber rating back to above a four and then you can come back in. I am working then you can come back in. I am working then you can come back in. I am working on a dating app for emotionally on a dating app for emotionally on a dating app for emotionally available people because I've noticed available people because I've noticed available people because I've noticed how discouraging it is and how most of how discouraging it is and how most of how discouraging it is and how most of my emotionally available clients are my emotionally available clients are my emotionally available clients are just not interested in dating anymore just not interested in dating anymore just not interested in dating anymore and they they are completely fatigued and they they are completely fatigued and they they are completely fatigued and discouraged and you know whenever and discouraged and you know whenever and discouraged and you know whenever you slide too much in one direction it's you slide too much in one direction it's you slide too much in one direction it's not good for your health right so not good for your health right so not good for your health right so emotionally available people now are not emotionally available people now are not emotionally available people now are not dating at all a lot of them dating at all a lot of them dating at all a lot of them >> and chronic loneliness is just as >> and chronic loneliness is just as >> and chronic loneliness is just as unhealthy for the nervous system as unhealthy for the nervous system as unhealthy for the nervous system as dating or being in situationships dating or being in situationships dating or being in situationships because neither one of them are really because neither one of them are really because neither one of them are really tending to your needs. So what's tending to your needs. So what's tending to your needs. So what's happening is emotionally available happening is emotionally available happening is emotionally available people although they have the right people although they have the right people although they have the right intentions being lonely right now and intentions being lonely right now and intentions being lonely right now and having that chronic loneliness is just having that chronic loneliness is just having that chronic loneliness is just as detrimental to their health. M as detrimental to their health. M as detrimental to their health. M >> and so we need to figure something out >> and so we need to figure something out >> and so we need to figure something out and design a system where they can meet and design a system where they can meet and design a system where they can meet partners who are held accountable cuz partners who are held accountable cuz partners who are held accountable cuz there's no accountability in the dating there's no accountability in the dating there's no accountability in the dating apps nowadays. There is low effort apps nowadays. There is low effort apps nowadays. There is low effort because there are so many options which because there are so many options which because there are so many options which means there's more disposability. And so means there's more disposability. And so means there's more disposability. And so if we have a place where these if we have a place where these if we have a place where these emotionally available people could go emotionally available people could go emotionally available people could go and be seen and don't feel so and be seen and don't feel so and be seen and don't feel so disposable, I think that they'll believe disposable, I think that they'll believe disposable, I think that they'll believe in love again. in love again. in love again. How can you work out whether or not How can you work out whether or not How can you work out whether or not someone is or is not emotionally someone is or is not emotionally someone is or is not emotionally available? available? available? >> There are some signs that you could >> There are some signs that you could >> There are some signs that you could detect in early dating. So, one of the detect in early dating. So, one of the detect in early dating. So, one of the ways is I think delaying gratification. ways is I think delaying gratification. ways is I think delaying gratification. So, if you meet someone and you're on a So, if you meet someone and you're on a So, if you meet someone and you're on a date with a person, watch for patterns date with a person, watch for patterns date with a person, watch for patterns instead of potential. So, don't just instead of potential. So, don't just instead of potential. So, don't just rely on the intensity or the chemistry rely on the intensity or the chemistry rely on the intensity or the chemistry that you might immediately feel with the that you might immediately feel with the that you might immediately feel with the person, but notice how they react when person, but notice how they react when person, but notice how they react when there is no physical reward at the end there is no physical reward at the end there is no physical reward at the end of the night. of the night. of the night. know how they are with the waiter if the know how they are with the waiter if the know how they are with the waiter if the food is a little too late. What's their food is a little too late. What's their food is a little too late. What's their patience like? Right? So you could patience like? Right? So you could patience like? Right? So you could assess for their capacity and once you assess for their capacity and once you assess for their capacity and once you see that this person could manage their see that this person could manage their see that this person could manage their emotions, this person could talk about emotions, this person could talk about emotions, this person could talk about intentions, they could deal with intentions, they could deal with intentions, they could deal with feedback without withdrawing or avoiding feedback without withdrawing or avoiding feedback without withdrawing or avoiding that. Those are some of the quick ways that. Those are some of the quick ways that. Those are some of the quick ways that I tell clients to assess for that I tell clients to assess for that I tell clients to assess for emotional availability and capacity in emotional availability and capacity in emotional availability and capacity in early dating. M it's interesting you early dating. M it's interesting you early dating. M it's interesting you said used the word standards earlier on said used the word standards earlier on said used the word standards earlier on people have to sort of lower their people have to sort of lower their people have to sort of lower their standards and I think when standards and I think when standards and I think when >> you first hear that it sounds like >> you first hear that it sounds like >> you first hear that it sounds like something to do with physical standards something to do with physical standards something to do with physical standards height income age but what you're height income age but what you're height income age but what you're talking about here is emotional talking about here is emotional talking about here is emotional standards and this is a it's a weird standards and this is a it's a weird standards and this is a it's a weird thing to talk about I guess the thing to talk about I guess the thing to talk about I guess the prevalence of therapy culture in a good prevalence of therapy culture in a good prevalence of therapy culture in a good way the good side of therapy culture has way the good side of therapy culture has way the good side of therapy culture has made people realize well ultimately made people realize well ultimately made people realize well ultimately someone's looks are a depreciating someone's looks are a depreciating someone's looks are a depreciating asset, but their mind is an appreciating asset, but their mind is an appreciating asset, but their mind is an appreciating asset and asset and asset and >> my relationship is basically one long >> my relationship is basically one long >> my relationship is basically one long conversation. It's one long shared conversation. It's one long shared conversation. It's one long shared nervous system and then we'll add some nervous system and then we'll add some nervous system and then we'll add some other beings in maybe to this nervous other beings in maybe to this nervous other beings in maybe to this nervous system and if theirs is system and if theirs is system and if theirs is >> it is making my job significantly >> it is making my job significantly >> it is making my job significantly harder. harder. harder. >> Uh so yeah, when it comes to >> Uh so yeah, when it comes to >> Uh so yeah, when it comes to emotional standards, I guess we could emotional standards, I guess we could emotional standards, I guess we could call it. Yeah, call it. Yeah, call it. Yeah, >> it's just it's an interesting it's an >> it's just it's an interesting it's an >> it's just it's an interesting it's an interesting element that interesting element that interesting element that I don't think that people were I don't think that people were I don't think that people were necessarily thinking about before. Maybe necessarily thinking about before. Maybe necessarily thinking about before. Maybe because it was less important. You know, because it was less important. You know, because it was less important. You know, our parents' generation weren't thinking our parents' generation weren't thinking our parents' generation weren't thinking about relating in quite the same way. about relating in quite the same way. about relating in quite the same way. >> No. And I agree with you. I think >> No. And I agree with you. I think >> No. And I agree with you. I think nowadays we have to assess for different nowadays we have to assess for different nowadays we have to assess for different things. And a lot of the dating apps things. And a lot of the dating apps things. And a lot of the dating apps now, you know, I've done my research now, you know, I've done my research now, you know, I've done my research that a lot of them, if you look at a that a lot of them, if you look at a that a lot of them, if you look at a profile, profile, profile, most of the things that they advertise most of the things that they advertise most of the things that they advertise on a profile. If you were to go on there on a profile. If you were to go on there on a profile. If you were to go on there and look at someone's profile, it'll and look at someone's profile, it'll and look at someone's profile, it'll talk about the person's age, the things talk about the person's age, the things talk about the person's age, the things they enjoy doing, but it doesn't talk they enjoy doing, but it doesn't talk they enjoy doing, but it doesn't talk about what's their conflict repair, about what's their conflict repair, about what's their conflict repair, what's their love language, what's their what's their love language, what's their what's their love language, what's their emotional availability, what's their emotional availability, what's their emotional availability, what's their emotional capacity, what's their emotional capacity, what's their emotional capacity, what's their emotional maturity. It doesn't assess emotional maturity. It doesn't assess emotional maturity. It doesn't assess for any of those things. And so what for any of those things. And so what for any of those things. And so what happens is people are bonding over happens is people are bonding over happens is people are bonding over surface level things. Oh, we went to the surface level things. Oh, we went to the surface level things. Oh, we went to the same school. We live in the same town. same school. We live in the same town. same school. We live in the same town. You like the same food I like, You like the same food I like, You like the same food I like, >> you know, or physical attraction, but >> you know, or physical attraction, but >> you know, or physical attraction, but it's not really assessing any it's not really assessing any it's not really assessing any compatibility regarding relationship compatibility regarding relationship compatibility regarding relationship values. And I think that's where a lot values. And I think that's where a lot values. And I think that's where a lot of people are getting attached to the of people are getting attached to the of people are getting attached to the wrong people because it's a misalignment wrong people because it's a misalignment wrong people because it's a misalignment because we're not really doing the because we're not really doing the because we're not really doing the assessment on relationship values before assessment on relationship values before assessment on relationship values before attaching to a person that we meet. What attaching to a person that we meet. What attaching to a person that we meet. What does true alignment look like? Let's say does true alignment look like? Let's say does true alignment look like? Let's say that you were going to give the gold that you were going to give the gold that you were going to give the gold standard for someone to try and work out standard for someone to try and work out standard for someone to try and work out whether them and this person are a good whether them and this person are a good whether them and this person are a good match emotionally. What does that look match emotionally. What does that look match emotionally. What does that look like? like? like? >> What matters? What doesn't matter? >> What matters? What doesn't matter? >> What matters? What doesn't matter? >> Emotional availability is the first. Are >> Emotional availability is the first. Are >> Emotional availability is the first. Are they willing to be invested in this they willing to be invested in this they willing to be invested in this relationship? Meaning, do they have good relationship? Meaning, do they have good relationship? Meaning, do they have good work life balance? Do they have time for work life balance? Do they have time for work life balance? Do they have time for a relationship? Someone could be a relationship? Someone could be a relationship? Someone could be interested in you. They could be interested in you. They could be interested in you. They could be emotionally intelligent. They could have emotionally intelligent. They could have emotionally intelligent. They could have emotional capacity. They could be emotional capacity. They could be emotional capacity. They could be emotionally mature. But if they do not emotionally mature. But if they do not emotionally mature. But if they do not have time for a relationship, it doesn't have time for a relationship, it doesn't have time for a relationship, it doesn't matter. You will not be aligned with matter. You will not be aligned with matter. You will not be aligned with that person if you're emotionally that person if you're emotionally that person if you're emotionally available. available. available. >> So the willingness to have time to >> So the willingness to have time to >> So the willingness to have time to invest time in a relationship is the invest time in a relationship is the invest time in a relationship is the first thing I would tell people to first thing I would tell people to first thing I would tell people to assess for. assess for. assess for. The second is capacity. Can they hold The second is capacity. Can they hold The second is capacity. Can they hold their own emotions and your emotions as their own emotions and your emotions as their own emotions and your emotions as well? Meaning can they deal with well? Meaning can they deal with well? Meaning can they deal with discomfort without retreating, without discomfort without retreating, without discomfort without retreating, without withdrawing, without avoiding. Right? So withdrawing, without avoiding. Right? So withdrawing, without avoiding. Right? So whenever a conversation gets whenever a conversation gets whenever a conversation gets uncomfortable, whenever it's a uncomfortable, whenever it's a uncomfortable, whenever it's a conversation about growth or intentions, conversation about growth or intentions, conversation about growth or intentions, can they sit through those feelings in can they sit through those feelings in can they sit through those feelings in that conversation without avoiding or that conversation without avoiding or that conversation without avoiding or getting defensive? And then emotional getting defensive? And then emotional getting defensive? And then emotional maturity, I would say, is third on the maturity, I would say, is third on the maturity, I would say, is third on the list. How emotionally mature is this list. How emotionally mature is this list. How emotionally mature is this person? That's about can they manage person? That's about can they manage person? That's about can they manage rejection? rejection? rejection? Do they get aggressive? Do they get Do they get aggressive? Do they get Do they get aggressive? Do they get reactive? Or can they remain responsive? reactive? Or can they remain responsive? reactive? Or can they remain responsive? And you could detect that early on in And you could detect that early on in And you could detect that early on in conversation as well. conversation as well. conversation as well. >> So that would be the gold standard, an >> So that would be the gold standard, an >> So that would be the gold standard, an emotionally available, high-capacity, emotionally available, high-capacity, emotionally available, high-capacity, emotionally mature person. emotionally mature person. emotionally mature person. >> That doesn't seem to me to be much about >> That doesn't seem to me to be much about >> That doesn't seem to me to be much about compatibility compatibility compatibility >> more so just these are some green flags >> more so just these are some green flags >> more so just these are some green flags from an emotional standpoint. from an emotional standpoint. from an emotional standpoint. >> Is there something to say about why two >> Is there something to say about why two >> Is there something to say about why two people who fit all of those criteria people who fit all of those criteria people who fit all of those criteria >> might not be I mean there's a million >> might not be I mean there's a million >> might not be I mean there's a million reasons, right? like physical reasons, right? like physical reasons, right? like physical attractiveness, age, life direction, all attractiveness, age, life direction, all attractiveness, age, life direction, all the rest of it. But again, from an the rest of it. But again, from an the rest of it. But again, from an emotional, you used love language, emotional, you used love language, emotional, you used love language, attachment style, stuff like that. attachment style, stuff like that. attachment style, stuff like that. >> What are the next levels of uh how does >> What are the next levels of uh how does >> What are the next levels of uh how does this meal come together from the this meal come together from the this meal come together from the ingredients? How can some meals that ingredients? How can some meals that ingredients? How can some meals that have great ingredients not work when have great ingredients not work when have great ingredients not work when they're put into a dish? they're put into a dish? they're put into a dish? >> Yes. So I think that some of the things >> Yes. So I think that some of the things >> Yes. So I think that some of the things that will if you have all those things that will if you have all those things that will if you have all those things aligned and we both have those qualities aligned and we both have those qualities aligned and we both have those qualities and those relationship values, some of and those relationship values, some of and those relationship values, some of the things that would hinder that would the things that would hinder that would the things that would hinder that would be unresolved stuff. So unreolved stuff be unresolved stuff. So unreolved stuff be unresolved stuff. So unreolved stuff in me, unresolved stuff in you. If in me, unresolved stuff in you. If in me, unresolved stuff in you. If that's worked out and all the surface that's worked out and all the surface that's worked out and all the surface level things as far as chemistry and level things as far as chemistry and level things as far as chemistry and physical attraction is intact, the physical attraction is intact, the physical attraction is intact, the relationship has a really good shot, relationship has a really good shot, relationship has a really good shot, right? But I think that we're not right? But I think that we're not right? But I think that we're not attaching based on that. We're attaching attaching based on that. We're attaching attaching based on that. We're attaching based on chemistry and intensity first. based on chemistry and intensity first. based on chemistry and intensity first. >> And I think it's backwards because >> And I think it's backwards because >> And I think it's backwards because there's a lot of broken hearts because there's a lot of broken hearts because there's a lot of broken hearts because people attach to the wrong things first. people attach to the wrong things first. people attach to the wrong things first. >> And and we can't blame the world because >> And and we can't blame the world because >> And and we can't blame the world because everything is about speed. It's about, everything is about speed. It's about, everything is about speed. It's about, hey, are we a match or are we not? I hey, are we a match or are we not? I hey, are we a match or are we not? I don't want to waste my time. don't want to waste my time. don't want to waste my time. >> Right. And so we have this thing of time >> Right. And so we have this thing of time >> Right. And so we have this thing of time is of the essence. And so you mentioned is of the essence. And so you mentioned is of the essence. And so you mentioned earlier generations. Yeah. I think back earlier generations. Yeah. I think back earlier generations. Yeah. I think back in the day the difference is is that in the day the difference is is that in the day the difference is is that social circles were more connected back social circles were more connected back social circles were more connected back in the days and they were more in the days and they were more in the days and they were more interconnected. They were smaller which interconnected. They were smaller which interconnected. They were smaller which means there was more accountability. means there was more accountability. means there was more accountability. There's much less accountability There's much less accountability There's much less accountability nowadays in dating which means that nowadays in dating which means that nowadays in dating which means that people could just ghost with a tap on people could just ghost with a tap on people could just ghost with a tap on their phone. their phone. their phone. >> Bad behavior doesn't go punished. A >> Bad behavior doesn't go punished. A >> Bad behavior doesn't go punished. A quick aside, most people think that quick aside, most people think that quick aside, most people think that they're dehydrated because they don't they're dehydrated because they don't they're dehydrated because they don't drink enough water. Turns out water drink enough water. Turns out water drink enough water. Turns out water alone isn't just the problem. It's also alone isn't just the problem. It's also alone isn't just the problem. It's also what's missing from it. Which is why for what's missing from it. 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That being said, the whole reason that the being said, the whole reason that the being said, the whole reason that the sort of two modes of attachment that sort of two modes of attachment that sort of two modes of attachment that humans have, moving from passionate to humans have, moving from passionate to humans have, moving from passionate to companionate, love, companionate, love, companionate, love, >> um, you know, honeymoon phase to >> um, you know, honeymoon phase to >> um, you know, honeymoon phase to long-term commitment, typically long-term commitment, typically long-term commitment, typically >> between six if you're unlucky, and, you >> between six if you're unlucky, and, you >> between six if you're unlucky, and, you know, a long time, like some people say know, a long time, like some people say know, a long time, like some people say that they're in passionate attachment that they're in passionate attachment that they're in passionate attachment for the rest of their life. Uh, I'm not for the rest of their life. Uh, I'm not for the rest of their life. Uh, I'm not sure if that would actually be very sure if that would actually be very sure if that would actually be very useful, but useful, but useful, but the reason that the system works like the reason that the system works like the reason that the system works like that is kind of to con you into seeing that is kind of to con you into seeing that is kind of to con you into seeing this person with rosecolored glasses. this person with rosecolored glasses. this person with rosecolored glasses. There's a a period of time where you're There's a a period of time where you're There's a a period of time where you're completely obsessed with them. You think completely obsessed with them. You think completely obsessed with them. You think that the sh sun sun shines out of every that the sh sun sun shines out of every that the sh sun sun shines out of every different hole that they have and your different hole that they have and your different hole that they have and your your goal is to put a baby into them. your goal is to put a baby into them. your goal is to put a baby into them. And then by the time that that's And then by the time that that's And then by the time that that's happened, happened, happened, >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> it's too late for you to actually I I >> it's too late for you to actually I I >> it's too late for you to actually I I don't know if we if we fit all that don't know if we if we fit all that don't know if we if we fit all that well. So I get it. Um the reason I say well. So I get it. Um the reason I say well. So I get it. Um the reason I say that is that is that is >> people who are thoughtful and reflective >> people who are thoughtful and reflective >> people who are thoughtful and reflective I think a lot of the time blame I think a lot of the time blame I think a lot of the time blame themselves. I should have seen the red themselves. I should have seen the red themselves. I should have seen the red flags earlier. How did I not think? flags earlier. How did I not think? flags earlier. How did I not think? A few million years of evolution A few million years of evolution A few million years of evolution conspired to convince you that this was conspired to convince you that this was conspired to convince you that this was your person. your person. your person. >> That is the way that the human >> That is the way that the human >> That is the way that the human attachment system works. Like this is attachment system works. Like this is attachment system works. Like this is your soulmate. This is everything. your soulmate. This is everything. your soulmate. This is everything. >> And only after a while does sort of >> And only after a while does sort of >> And only after a while does sort of >> the veil gets revealed. You poke your >> the veil gets revealed. You poke your >> the veil gets revealed. You poke your head above the water of this hormonal head above the water of this hormonal head above the water of this hormonal fever dream that you've been in. fever dream that you've been in. fever dream that you've been in. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> And I think people blame themselves a >> And I think people blame themselves a >> And I think people blame themselves a lot for that. And I mean, sure, should lot for that. And I mean, sure, should lot for that. And I mean, sure, should you learn lessons from it? Yeah, you learn lessons from it? Yeah, you learn lessons from it? Yeah, probably. But probably. But probably. But >> whipping yourself into submission and >> whipping yourself into submission and >> whipping yourself into submission and saying, "I should have known better." saying, "I should have known better." saying, "I should have known better." >> Not good. >> Not good. >> Not good. >> Your brain conspired to kid you about >> Your brain conspired to kid you about >> Your brain conspired to kid you about this thing. And this thing. And this thing. And >> yeah, are there lessons to learn for the >> yeah, are there lessons to learn for the >> yeah, are there lessons to learn for the future? But basically, I think that you future? But basically, I think that you future? But basically, I think that you need to treat yourself need to treat yourself need to treat yourself when you're first dating somebody. You when you're first dating somebody. You when you're first dating somebody. You need to treat yourself as a future drug need to treat yourself as a future drug need to treat yourself as a future drug addict who hasn't yet taken the drug. addict who hasn't yet taken the drug. addict who hasn't yet taken the drug. Like, okay, I currently have my Like, okay, I currently have my Like, okay, I currently have my faculties intact. I'm able to use my faculties intact. I'm able to use my faculties intact. I'm able to use my reasoning. My pre prefrontal cortex is reasoning. My pre prefrontal cortex is reasoning. My pre prefrontal cortex is working correctly. I've got the right working correctly. I've got the right working correctly. I've got the right amount of serotonin to actually deploy amount of serotonin to actually deploy amount of serotonin to actually deploy this. Pretty soon, all of this is gonna this. Pretty soon, all of this is gonna this. Pretty soon, all of this is gonna go through the floor. Yep. And I'm just go through the floor. Yep. And I'm just go through the floor. Yep. And I'm just going to be this kind of crazy person. going to be this kind of crazy person. going to be this kind of crazy person. >> Yep. >> Yep. >> Yep. >> I need to steward my future self. Well, >> I need to steward my future self. Well, >> I need to steward my future self. Well, >> Yep. >> Yep. >> Yep. >> And that means being incredibly >> And that means being incredibly >> And that means being incredibly discerning. discerning. discerning. >> Yes. And it's it's very hard. I mean the >> Yes. And it's it's very hard. I mean the >> Yes. And it's it's very hard. I mean the good thing is I I worked a lot with good thing is I I worked a lot with good thing is I I worked a lot with addicts and alcoholics and I see a lot addicts and alcoholics and I see a lot addicts and alcoholics and I see a lot of that happening in dating nowadays is of that happening in dating nowadays is of that happening in dating nowadays is that a lot of what's happening is kind that a lot of what's happening is kind that a lot of what's happening is kind of conditioning people into that cycle of conditioning people into that cycle of conditioning people into that cycle of addiction, right? Because of the of addiction, right? Because of the of addiction, right? Because of the obsession. Everything is very obsessive obsession. Everything is very obsessive obsession. Everything is very obsessive nowadays. And you're right, there are nowadays. And you're right, there are nowadays. And you're right, there are biological components. Evolution kind of biological components. Evolution kind of biological components. Evolution kind of geared us towards that. I think that one geared us towards that. I think that one geared us towards that. I think that one of the ways to prevent a person from of the ways to prevent a person from of the ways to prevent a person from getting too attached and then by the getting too attached and then by the getting too attached and then by the time they have kids with this person, time they have kids with this person, time they have kids with this person, they're like, "Oh my god, I don't even they're like, "Oh my god, I don't even they're like, "Oh my god, I don't even like this." like this." like this." >> I fell backward into a golden retriever >> I fell backward into a golden retriever >> I fell backward into a golden retriever and a house and a marriage and child, and a house and a marriage and child, and a house and a marriage and child, >> right? So, there's ways to slow down. I >> right? So, there's ways to slow down. I >> right? So, there's ways to slow down. I kind of give my clients the framework kind of give my clients the framework kind of give my clients the framework mop. M O P M stands for match effort, mop. M O P M stands for match effort, mop. M O P M stands for match effort, right? So, don't go overboard. When right? So, don't go overboard. When right? So, don't go overboard. When chemistry hits and you feel attached to chemistry hits and you feel attached to chemistry hits and you feel attached to a person, you want to go overboard. You a person, you want to go overboard. You a person, you want to go overboard. You want to overgive because you want to want to overgive because you want to want to overgive because you want to hold on to it. you feel like you found hold on to it. you feel like you found hold on to it. you feel like you found your person and that overinvestment is your person and that overinvestment is your person and that overinvestment is when you fall into that addiction even when you fall into that addiction even when you fall into that addiction even faster. faster. faster. >> That starts clouding your mental clarity >> That starts clouding your mental clarity >> That starts clouding your mental clarity more and more. So if you match effort, more and more. So if you match effort, more and more. So if you match effort, second O means observe for patterns. A second O means observe for patterns. A second O means observe for patterns. A lot of times people don't wait until lot of times people don't wait until lot of times people don't wait until they've discovered what a person's they've discovered what a person's they've discovered what a person's patterns are. If you give it a couple of patterns are. If you give it a couple of patterns are. If you give it a couple of weeks or months, you'll see what a weeks or months, you'll see what a weeks or months, you'll see what a person's patterns are. You'll be able to person's patterns are. You'll be able to person's patterns are. You'll be able to maintain clarity at that point. And then maintain clarity at that point. And then maintain clarity at that point. And then the last one is pace access. Because the the last one is pace access. Because the the last one is pace access. Because the moment you give someone, especially moment you give someone, especially moment you give someone, especially physical access, physical access, physical access, >> you are much more likely to get into >> you are much more likely to get into >> you are much more likely to get into that dopamine fix, that dopamine fix, that dopamine fix, >> clarity goes backwards and you will >> clarity goes backwards and you will >> clarity goes backwards and you will become a full-blown addict at that become a full-blown addict at that become a full-blown addict at that point. point. point. >> And so I think that at that point, you >> And so I think that at that point, you >> And so I think that at that point, you know, justification and minimizing stuff know, justification and minimizing stuff know, justification and minimizing stuff to in order to maintain the relationship to in order to maintain the relationship to in order to maintain the relationship is all things that that person will use is all things that that person will use is all things that that person will use to keep that attachment. But if we stay to keep that attachment. But if we stay to keep that attachment. But if we stay anchored in our own reality and we watch anchored in our own reality and we watch anchored in our own reality and we watch a person from the framework of, yeah, a person from the framework of, yeah, a person from the framework of, yeah, they're beautiful and they're handsome they're beautiful and they're handsome they're beautiful and they're handsome and they're incredible and they're and they're incredible and they're and they're incredible and they're emotionally intelligent, but I want to emotionally intelligent, but I want to emotionally intelligent, but I want to match their effort. If he's not going match their effort. If he's not going match their effort. If he's not going overboard, I'm not going overboard. If overboard, I'm not going overboard. If overboard, I'm not going overboard. If he isn't making an initiation or effort, he isn't making an initiation or effort, he isn't making an initiation or effort, I'm not giving more effort than he's I'm not giving more effort than he's I'm not giving more effort than he's giving and vice versa. So to be giving and vice versa. So to be giving and vice versa. So to be reciprocal and not to overinvest, that reciprocal and not to overinvest, that reciprocal and not to overinvest, that will keep you grounded. Does that not will keep you grounded. Does that not will keep you grounded. Does that not create a war of attrition where both create a war of attrition where both create a war of attrition where both people don't move? people don't move? people don't move? >> No. Because naturally it will move. >> No. Because naturally it will move. >> No. Because naturally it will move. You'll want to move as long as you You'll want to move as long as you You'll want to move as long as you remain authentic. You'll want to move. remain authentic. You'll want to move. remain authentic. You'll want to move. Hey, you know, you want to go out? Sure, Hey, you know, you want to go out? Sure, Hey, you know, you want to go out? Sure, no problem. We should do this again. no problem. We should do this again. no problem. We should do this again. Let's do this next time. Let's do this next time. Let's do this next time. >> But I'm not going to say, "Hey, oh my >> But I'm not going to say, "Hey, oh my >> But I'm not going to say, "Hey, oh my god, we should do this all the time and god, we should do this all the time and god, we should do this all the time and we should get married and have kids we should get married and have kids we should get married and have kids because I don't want to let go of this because I don't want to let go of this because I don't want to let go of this dopamine and this euphoria that I feel dopamine and this euphoria that I feel dopamine and this euphoria that I feel right now." So when the desire outpaces right now." So when the desire outpaces right now." So when the desire outpaces the effort is when you should know that the effort is when you should know that the effort is when you should know that you're now in a biochemical cycle and you're now in a biochemical cycle and you're now in a biochemical cycle and not in a mental cycle. not in a mental cycle. not in a mental cycle. >> Yeah. Being too understanding can hurt >> Yeah. Being too understanding can hurt >> Yeah. Being too understanding can hurt your dating life in that regard as you your dating life in that regard as you your dating life in that regard as you tumble through those stages of tumble through those stages of tumble through those stages of attachment attachment attachment >> and >> and >> and things begin to be excused. This things begin to be excused. This things begin to be excused. This behavior that normal you behavior that normal you behavior that normal you >> would have seen as abhorrent or just >> would have seen as abhorrent or just >> would have seen as abhorrent or just unacceptable. Mhm. unacceptable. Mhm. unacceptable. Mhm. >> Now, well, you know, they were busy. >> Now, well, you know, they were busy. >> Now, well, you know, they were busy. They've got a lot on their plate or that They've got a lot on their plate or that They've got a lot on their plate or that I He didn't mean it like that. I He didn't mean it like that. I He didn't mean it like that. >> He didn't mean I'm sure because what he >> He didn't mean I'm sure because what he >> He didn't mean I'm sure because what he said about the thing and it's his mom. said about the thing and it's his mom. said about the thing and it's his mom. It's his mom, you know, it's cuz he's It's his mom, you know, it's cuz he's It's his mom, you know, it's cuz he's got a thing. You go, okay, got a thing. You go, okay, got a thing. You go, okay, your ability to be discerning gets worse your ability to be discerning gets worse your ability to be discerning gets worse and worse. and worse. and worse. >> Absolutely. Because the dopamine gets >> Absolutely. Because the dopamine gets >> Absolutely. Because the dopamine gets higher and the problem is serotonin gets higher and the problem is serotonin gets higher and the problem is serotonin gets lower. lower. lower. >> Serotonin gets lower. Dopamine gets >> Serotonin gets lower. Dopamine gets >> Serotonin gets lower. Dopamine gets higher. And so kind of one of the higher. And so kind of one of the higher. And so kind of one of the excuses you just used, right? Oh, he's excuses you just used, right? Oh, he's excuses you just used, right? Oh, he's just busy. I often hear my female just busy. I often hear my female just busy. I often hear my female clients say that. Oh, he's busy. He told clients say that. Oh, he's busy. He told clients say that. Oh, he's busy. He told me he's busy. Right. And so women tend me he's busy. Right. And so women tend me he's busy. Right. And so women tend to trust words a lot more than men do. to trust words a lot more than men do. to trust words a lot more than men do. Men kind of just look at behaviors cuz Men kind of just look at behaviors cuz Men kind of just look at behaviors cuz that's how they bond amongst themselves. that's how they bond amongst themselves. that's how they bond amongst themselves. Women tend to believe words, right? Women tend to believe words, right? Women tend to believe words, right? Because for evolutionary reasons, we Because for evolutionary reasons, we Because for evolutionary reasons, we were supposed to believe the words that were supposed to believe the words that were supposed to believe the words that men told us. And so what's happening now men told us. And so what's happening now men told us. And so what's happening now is that a man could say he's busy and is that a man could say he's busy and is that a man could say he's busy and therefore doesn't have time. And a lot therefore doesn't have time. And a lot therefore doesn't have time. And a lot of times women can't discern is he of times women can't discern is he of times women can't discern is he really busy or am I just a low priority. really busy or am I just a low priority. really busy or am I just a low priority. And one of the ways I tell people to And one of the ways I tell people to And one of the ways I tell people to recognize the difference is that no recognize the difference is that no recognize the difference is that no matter how busy a man is, a man who is matter how busy a man is, a man who is matter how busy a man is, a man who is genuinely interested in you will give genuinely interested in you will give genuinely interested in you will give you clarity you clarity you clarity >> on his busiest days, you will know >> on his busiest days, you will know >> on his busiest days, you will know exactly what you mean to him. a man who exactly what you mean to him. a man who exactly what you mean to him. a man who thinks of you as a low priority, you'll thinks of you as a low priority, you'll thinks of you as a low priority, you'll continue in this confusion. You'll continue in this confusion. You'll continue in this confusion. You'll attach to words. He'll tell you excuses. attach to words. He'll tell you excuses. attach to words. He'll tell you excuses. You'll minimize your feelings only to You'll minimize your feelings only to You'll minimize your feelings only to keep that attachment. And so, I think keep that attachment. And so, I think keep that attachment. And so, I think it's always important to go, do you have it's always important to go, do you have it's always important to go, do you have clarity? If you don't have clarity, this clarity? If you don't have clarity, this clarity? If you don't have clarity, this might be a misalignment. might be a misalignment. might be a misalignment. >> Well, what also is a misalignment, I >> Well, what also is a misalignment, I >> Well, what also is a misalignment, I really appreciate that you said time is really appreciate that you said time is really appreciate that you said time is the first element here. the first element here. the first element here. >> That there are sort of two things going >> That there are sort of two things going >> That there are sort of two things going on. One is someone's ability to on. One is someone's ability to on. One is someone's ability to prioritize you around their level of prioritize you around their level of prioritize you around their level of busyness. busyness. busyness. >> The other is just how busy they are. >> The other is just how busy they are. >> The other is just how busy they are. There there is a world in which someone There there is a world in which someone There there is a world in which someone is simply too busy absolutely is simply too busy absolutely is simply too busy absolutely >> to be in a relationship with you at the >> to be in a relationship with you at the >> to be in a relationship with you at the level that you want to be regardless of level that you want to be regardless of level that you want to be regardless of how much they want to be in it. how much they want to be in it. how much they want to be in it. >> And that's a difficult one, I think, >> And that's a difficult one, I think, >> And that's a difficult one, I think, because if you're an empathetic person because if you're an empathetic person because if you're an empathetic person that's sensitive and sees the good in that's sensitive and sees the good in that's sensitive and sees the good in others, what you're going to see in this others, what you're going to see in this others, what you're going to see in this person is, well, they really want this. person is, well, they really want this. person is, well, they really want this. That's fine, but they may not be able to That's fine, but they may not be able to That's fine, but they may not be able to commit the time. They may be giving 110% commit the time. They may be giving 110% commit the time. They may be giving 110% >> of 10%. >> of 10%. >> of 10%. >> It's a capacity issue at that point. So, >> It's a capacity issue at that point. So, >> It's a capacity issue at that point. So, he really wants to. In a lot of the he really wants to. In a lot of the he really wants to. In a lot of the situations, the desire is really there. situations, the desire is really there. situations, the desire is really there. It's really genuine. So, it's not as It's really genuine. So, it's not as It's really genuine. So, it's not as though these people are just malicious though these people are just malicious though these people are just malicious in dating. A man could be or a woman in dating. A man could be or a woman in dating. A man could be or a woman could be really busy with their career could be really busy with their career could be really busy with their career and really want to make this and really want to make this and really want to make this relationship work with this partner, but relationship work with this partner, but relationship work with this partner, but at that point when there's no work life at that point when there's no work life at that point when there's no work life balance and their work takes up all of balance and their work takes up all of balance and their work takes up all of their time, they just don't have the their time, they just don't have the their time, they just don't have the capacity to meet your needs. And at that capacity to meet your needs. And at that capacity to meet your needs. And at that point, you need to be honest with the point, you need to be honest with the point, you need to be honest with the fact that it's misaligned because you're fact that it's misaligned because you're fact that it's misaligned because you're going to put pressure on them and going to put pressure on them and going to put pressure on them and they're going to start building they're going to start building they're going to start building resentments against you. resentments against you. resentments against you. Discernment is basically a kind of Discernment is basically a kind of Discernment is basically a kind of proactive health care for yourself proactive health care for yourself proactive health care for yourself >> in that way. >> in that way. >> in that way. >> If you are unable to work out who is good for are unable to work out who is good for your life and who is bad for your life. your life and who is bad for your life. your life and who is bad for your life. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> You are condemning a future version of >> You are condemning a future version of >> You are condemning a future version of you to you to you to damage. damage. damage. >> Absolutely. And discernment. I think a >> Absolutely. And discernment. I think a >> Absolutely. And discernment. I think a lot of times people feel as though that lot of times people feel as though that lot of times people feel as though that should also mean being understanding of should also mean being understanding of should also mean being understanding of other people's limitations and two other people's limitations and two other people's limitations and two things could be true at the same time. I things could be true at the same time. I things could be true at the same time. I could be understanding of people's could be understanding of people's could be understanding of people's limitations and still know what I need limitations and still know what I need limitations and still know what I need >> and still advocate for what I need. >> and still advocate for what I need. >> and still advocate for what I need. Right? So if I am looking for a Right? So if I am looking for a Right? So if I am looking for a particular type of relationship, particular type of relationship, particular type of relationship, no matter how much I understand your no matter how much I understand your no matter how much I understand your limitations, limitations, limitations, it's just not compatible. it's just not compatible. it's just not compatible. >> It's still not your obligation to accept >> It's still not your obligation to accept >> It's still not your obligation to accept them. Exactly. And a lot of people have them. Exactly. And a lot of people have them. Exactly. And a lot of people have a hard time with that because they a hard time with that because they a hard time with that because they really want that person. A lot of times really want that person. A lot of times really want that person. A lot of times people will tell me that they are people will tell me that they are people will tell me that they are attracted to a person and they go, "But attracted to a person and they go, "But attracted to a person and they go, "But Mercedes, he's such a good person or Mercedes, he's such a good person or Mercedes, he's such a good person or she's such a beautiful person." And I'm she's such a beautiful person." And I'm she's such a beautiful person." And I'm like, "I know, but they're not your like, "I know, but they're not your like, "I know, but they're not your beautiful person." beautiful person." beautiful person." >> You know, they could be great in every >> You know, they could be great in every >> You know, they could be great in every other area of life, but they're just not other area of life, but they're just not other area of life, but they're just not emotionally available enough for what emotionally available enough for what emotionally available enough for what you want. you want. you want. >> I'm going to draw a parallel here >> I'm going to draw a parallel here >> I'm going to draw a parallel here between Kanye West and beautiful people between Kanye West and beautiful people between Kanye West and beautiful people in dating. You weren't expecting that. in dating. You weren't expecting that. in dating. You weren't expecting that. You know, Yay just sold out uh Sofi You know, Yay just sold out uh Sofi You know, Yay just sold out uh Sofi Stadium two nights out of three Stadium two nights out of three Stadium two nights out of three >> uh a couple of weeks ago in LA. >> uh a couple of weeks ago in LA. >> uh a couple of weeks ago in LA. >> Look, he's not exactly showered himself >> Look, he's not exactly showered himself >> Look, he's not exactly showered himself in glory over the last few years. in glory over the last few years. in glory over the last few years. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> He's got bangers and because he's got >> He's got bangers and because he's got >> He's got bangers and because he's got bangers, people are just going to turn bangers, people are just going to turn bangers, people are just going to turn up. And I think that music is a unique up. And I think that music is a unique up. And I think that music is a unique area of psychological hacking that it's area of psychological hacking that it's area of psychological hacking that it's really hard to not like a song that really hard to not like a song that really hard to not like a song that slaps slaps slaps regardless of how much you hate the regardless of how much you hate the regardless of how much you hate the person that made it. person that made it. person that made it. >> Absolutely. >> Absolutely. >> Absolutely. >> It's much easier to say that person's >> It's much easier to say that person's >> It's much easier to say that person's comedy set. I didn't enjoy that person's comedy set. I didn't enjoy that person's comedy set. I didn't enjoy that person's podcast that their talk that they gave. podcast that their talk that they gave. podcast that their talk that they gave. like ah that's actually not that you like ah that's actually not that you like ah that's actually not that you know but for some reason music is so know but for some reason music is so know but for some reason music is so penetrating and it's so um like penetrating and it's so um like penetrating and it's so um like emotionally charged you just can't do emotionally charged you just can't do emotionally charged you just can't do that right it's real hard to do that that right it's real hard to do that that right it's real hard to do that with music and I think that beauty is with music and I think that beauty is with music and I think that beauty is one of those other things this person is one of those other things this person is one of those other things this person is a they all they do is a they all they do is a they all they do is make my life worse they ruin my sleep make my life worse they ruin my sleep make my life worse they ruin my sleep they hurt me I I I'm I'm permanently on they hurt me I I I'm I'm permanently on they hurt me I I I'm I'm permanently on edge edge edge so beautiful and that is this weird so beautiful and that is this weird so beautiful and that is this weird reality distortion field. I mean, I I reality distortion field. I mean, I I reality distortion field. I mean, I I think about this to do with, you know, think about this to do with, you know, think about this to do with, you know, beautiful women, really beautiful women. beautiful women, really beautiful women. beautiful women, really beautiful women. It must be so It must be so It must be so like disconcerting for them to move like disconcerting for them to move like disconcerting for them to move through the world cuz they basically through the world cuz they basically through the world cuz they basically have this weird sphere that sort of have this weird sphere that sort of have this weird sphere that sort of follows them around and a room is follows them around and a room is follows them around and a room is completely normal, functioning as it's completely normal, functioning as it's completely normal, functioning as it's supposed to supposed to supposed to >> and then they arrive in it and >> and then they arrive in it and >> and then they arrive in it and everything goes haywire. No one can everything goes haywire. No one can everything goes haywire. No one can behave normally. I think the equivalent behave normally. I think the equivalent behave normally. I think the equivalent for men is somebody who's a very high for men is somebody who's a very high for men is somebody who's a very high status. I've been in Mitsies, which is status. I've been in Mitsies, which is status. I've been in Mitsies, which is the bar downstairs in uh the comedy the bar downstairs in uh the comedy the bar downstairs in uh the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Rogan's Mothership here in Austin, Rogan's Mothership here in Austin, Rogan's place. place. place. Rogan's not there. The bar functions Rogan's not there. The bar functions Rogan's not there. The bar functions normally. Joe walks in. Everybody turns normally. Joe walks in. Everybody turns normally. Joe walks in. Everybody turns weird. Everyone turns weird. There's weird. Everyone turns weird. There's weird. Everyone turns weird. There's this odd sphere that sort of follows him this odd sphere that sort of follows him this odd sphere that sort of follows him around. And there's a few people that around. And there's a few people that around. And there's a few people that are his friends and that know him very are his friends and that know him very are his friends and that know him very well that are kind of able to well that are kind of able to well that are kind of able to >> withstand this distortion field. Yeah. >> withstand this distortion field. Yeah. >> withstand this distortion field. Yeah. this distortion field that sort of this distortion field that sort of this distortion field that sort of follows it. But the same thing is true follows it. But the same thing is true follows it. But the same thing is true for women. for women. for women. >> And um they they are never going to have >> And um they they are never going to have >> And um they they are never going to have a beautiful woman who's never going to a beautiful woman who's never going to a beautiful woman who's never going to have a normal interaction with men for have a normal interaction with men for have a normal interaction with men for the most part. Maybe they find a person the most part. Maybe they find a person the most part. Maybe they find a person who doesn't care. The guy that's gay, who doesn't care. The guy that's gay, who doesn't care. The guy that's gay, maybe. But even the guy that's gay, he's maybe. But even the guy that's gay, he's maybe. But even the guy that's gay, he's so hot, like beautiful. Tell me what you so hot, like beautiful. Tell me what you so hot, like beautiful. Tell me what you do for your skin. like you know do for your skin. like you know do for your skin. like you know and that fact that there are certain and that fact that there are certain and that fact that there are certain there are certain uh unlocks in the back there are certain uh unlocks in the back there are certain uh unlocks in the back of sort of the human system that allow of sort of the human system that allow of sort of the human system that allow you to sort of face plant as hard as you to sort of face plant as hard as you to sort of face plant as hard as Kanye has over the last half decade and Kanye has over the last half decade and Kanye has over the last half decade and then go and sell out stadium two nights then go and sell out stadium two nights then go and sell out stadium two nights in a row and crush it and everyone go in a row and crush it and everyone go in a row and crush it and everyone go that was amazing look how good the songs that was amazing look how good the songs that was amazing look how good the songs were look at the performance the stage were look at the performance the stage were look at the performance the stage show show show >> and The same thing is true for you >> and The same thing is true for you >> and The same thing is true for you trying to work out I this person is not trying to work out I this person is not trying to work out I this person is not good for me but they're beautiful. I good for me but they're beautiful. I good for me but they're beautiful. I don't like Kanye's politics don't like Kanye's politics don't like Kanye's politics >> but his bangers are incredible. >> but his bangers are incredible. >> but his bangers are incredible. >> He's got bangers. >> He's got bangers. >> He's got bangers. >> Yeah. Yep. I mean I agree and I love >> Yeah. Yep. I mean I agree and I love >> Yeah. Yep. I mean I agree and I love that you kind of gave that parallel that you kind of gave that parallel that you kind of gave that parallel because it's true. because it's true. because it's true. >> That's the balance between when you >> That's the balance between when you >> That's the balance between when you become biochemically hijacked, right? become biochemically hijacked, right? become biochemically hijacked, right? Where you just the chemistry just feels Where you just the chemistry just feels Where you just the chemistry just feels so intense and you're like but I just so intense and you're like but I just so intense and you're like but I just want that person. like I just want that want that person. like I just want that want that person. like I just want that person and it becomes a challenge and person and it becomes a challenge and person and it becomes a challenge and everything in you is giving off the everything in you is giving off the everything in you is giving off the pherommones that hey I'm available to pherommones that hey I'm available to pherommones that hey I'm available to you right and so there's a you right and so there's a you right and so there's a sure that's one part of us is our sure that's one part of us is our sure that's one part of us is our biochemistry but the universe didn't biochemistry but the universe didn't biochemistry but the universe didn't just give us that it also gave us a just give us that it also gave us a just give us that it also gave us a frontal lobe and that part goes hm frontal lobe and that part goes hm frontal lobe and that part goes hm yeah this drug might give me energy but yeah this drug might give me energy but yeah this drug might give me energy but it also will make me lose all my money it also will make me lose all my money it also will make me lose all my money or this person is incredibly handsome or this person is incredibly handsome or this person is incredibly handsome but they're gonna break my heart. Right? but they're gonna break my heart. Right? but they're gonna break my heart. Right? But that requires pause. It requires But that requires pause. It requires But that requires pause. It requires processing. It requires going, I know processing. It requires going, I know processing. It requires going, I know what I'm feeling. I'm feeling attracted what I'm feeling. I'm feeling attracted what I'm feeling. I'm feeling attracted to this person, but let me take a pause. to this person, but let me take a pause. to this person, but let me take a pause. Let me think about it. Let me step away. Let me think about it. Let me step away. Let me think about it. Let me step away. Because if I act right now, I'm going to Because if I act right now, I'm going to Because if I act right now, I'm going to act on biochemistry. And that has act on biochemistry. And that has act on biochemistry. And that has nothing to do with mental clarity. It nothing to do with mental clarity. It nothing to do with mental clarity. It just has to do with in the feelings, the just has to do with in the feelings, the just has to do with in the feelings, the the the sphere you just described, and the the sphere you just described, and the the sphere you just described, and that doesn't tell me anything about how that doesn't tell me anything about how that doesn't tell me anything about how this person's gonna treat me. this person's gonna treat me. this person's gonna treat me. >> Yeah. Romantic discernment is a form of >> Yeah. Romantic discernment is a form of >> Yeah. Romantic discernment is a form of preventative health. preventative health. preventative health. >> Absolutely. Absolutely. >> Absolutely. Absolutely. >> Absolutely. Absolutely. You need to make that You need to make that You need to make that >> and that pause just it doesn't happen >> and that pause just it doesn't happen >> and that pause just it doesn't happen anymore. People don't pause. I mean, I anymore. People don't pause. I mean, I anymore. People don't pause. I mean, I just watched I don't know if it was it just watched I don't know if it was it just watched I don't know if it was it Matt Damon and one of his new movies Matt Damon and one of his new movies Matt Damon and one of his new movies where he talked about cuz I used to where he talked about cuz I used to where he talked about cuz I used to watch movies and I love gradual watch movies and I love gradual watch movies and I love gradual development. I love seeing character development. I love seeing character development. I love seeing character development. I love kind of development. I love kind of development. I love kind of psychological thrillers are my thing. I psychological thrillers are my thing. I psychological thrillers are my thing. I like to know how people think and solve like to know how people think and solve like to know how people think and solve an issue. an issue. an issue. >> Nowadays, movies start in the middle at >> Nowadays, movies start in the middle at >> Nowadays, movies start in the middle at the most emotionally gripping part of the most emotionally gripping part of the most emotionally gripping part of the story the story the story >> because we don't have the attention span >> because we don't have the attention span >> because we don't have the attention span to sit through character development to sit through character development to sit through character development anymore. And that's the same with anymore. And that's the same with anymore. And that's the same with dating. We want to know the most intense dating. We want to know the most intense dating. We want to know the most intense part first because we don't want to sit part first because we don't want to sit part first because we don't want to sit through I gotta take her on another date through I gotta take her on another date through I gotta take her on another date and I gotta find out where she's from and I gotta find out where she's from and I gotta find out where she's from and I gotta find out what he's into and and I gotta find out what he's into and and I gotta find out what he's into and what was his life like and his childhood what was his life like and his childhood what was his life like and his childhood because people just want to know is he because people just want to know is he because people just want to know is he making me feel the biochemistry that I'm making me feel the biochemistry that I'm making me feel the biochemistry that I'm used to when I get Amazon next day used to when I get Amazon next day used to when I get Amazon next day delivery when I get Uber Eats, when I delivery when I get Uber Eats, when I delivery when I get Uber Eats, when I get Instacart, when I fast forward get Instacart, when I fast forward get Instacart, when I fast forward commercials. That's what I want. I want commercials. That's what I want. I want commercials. That's what I want. I want it right away and I don't want to wait. it right away and I don't want to wait. it right away and I don't want to wait. It's interesting that that's what people It's interesting that that's what people It's interesting that that's what people want but probably not what they need want but probably not what they need want but probably not what they need because because because >> no if you speedrun the first few dates >> no if you speedrun the first few dates >> no if you speedrun the first few dates everybody asks that question. So how do everybody asks that question. So how do everybody asks that question. So how do you guys meet? you guys meet? you guys meet? >> So how do you meet? And if you say drunk >> So how do you meet? And if you say drunk >> So how do you meet? And if you say drunk in a club at 3 in the morning you go ah in a club at 3 in the morning you go ah in a club at 3 in the morning you go ah yeah what were the first few dates like? yeah what were the first few dates like? yeah what were the first few dates like? Ah Netflix and chill. It's like that is Ah Netflix and chill. It's like that is Ah Netflix and chill. It's like that is >> embedded in >> embedded in >> embedded in >> your relational history for the rest of >> your relational history for the rest of >> your relational history for the rest of time. If this is the if you're trying to time. If this is the if you're trying to time. If this is the if you're trying to do this ser if you're not trying to do do this ser if you're not trying to do do this ser if you're not trying to do this seriously club at 3. I run this seriously club at 3. I run this seriously club at 3. I run nightclubs forever. Right. I have seen nightclubs forever. Right. I have seen nightclubs forever. Right. I have seen the various states of disrepair that the various states of disrepair that the various states of disrepair that happen after 1:00 in the morning and happen after 1:00 in the morning and happen after 1:00 in the morning and it's it's interesting. A quick aside, it's it's interesting. A quick aside, it's it's interesting. A quick aside, there is a stat that genuinely surprised there is a stat that genuinely surprised there is a stat that genuinely surprised me when I first heard it. 95% of people me when I first heard it. 95% of people me when I first heard it. 95% of people don't get enough fiber. Not because don't get enough fiber. Not because don't get enough fiber. Not because they're being careless, but because they're being careless, but because they're being careless, but because hitting your daily fiber target through hitting your daily fiber target through hitting your daily fiber target through food alone is actually quite hard. 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That's live n.com/modernwisdom n.com/modernwisdom n.com/modernwisdom and modern wisdom and modern wisdom and modern wisdom at checkout. talking about sort of at checkout. talking about sort of at checkout. talking about sort of modern media culture and stuff, what do modern media culture and stuff, what do modern media culture and stuff, what do you make of the influence you make of the influence you make of the influence that romance movies have had on the sort that romance movies have had on the sort that romance movies have had on the sort of men that women choose? I'm going to of men that women choose? I'm going to of men that women choose? I'm going to guess the vast majority of the consumers guess the vast majority of the consumers guess the vast majority of the consumers of these sort of romantic movies are of these sort of romantic movies are of these sort of romantic movies are going to be women. going to be women. going to be women. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> And if you look at some of the >> And if you look at some of the >> And if you look at some of the archetypes, archetypes, archetypes, uh, uh, uh, Titanic, The Notebook, Titanic, The Notebook, Titanic, The Notebook, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not sure if women would choose that I'm not sure if women would choose that I'm not sure if women would choose that for their friends or for their for their friends or for their for their friends or for their daughters. daughters. daughters. >> Yes. So, >> Yes. So, >> Yes. So, notebook is pretty good. I think we notebook is pretty good. I think we notebook is pretty good. I think we would choose him. would choose him. would choose him. >> You would. So, question on that, which >> You would. So, question on that, which >> You would. So, question on that, which is an interesting one. She says no to is an interesting one. She says no to is an interesting one. She says no to the guy that's a decorated war veteran. the guy that's a decorated war veteran. the guy that's a decorated war veteran. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Who is a accountant and lawyer >> Who is a accountant and lawyer >> Who is a accountant and lawyer >> but chooses the guy that's kind of >> but chooses the guy that's kind of >> but chooses the guy that's kind of emotionally emotionally emotionally up and down. Now, it ends up working out up and down. Now, it ends up working out up and down. Now, it ends up working out great, great, great, >> right? Uh, a Titanic obviously ends the >> right? Uh, a Titanic obviously ends the >> right? Uh, a Titanic obviously ends the way that it does. Uh, way that it does. Uh, way that it does. Uh, >> I don't know. I just think it's whatever >> I don't know. I just think it's whatever >> I don't know. I just think it's whatever the subtext is of that that stable is the subtext is of that that stable is the subtext is of that that stable is boring. boring. boring. >> That uh regulated uh means no spark. >> That uh regulated uh means no spark. >> That uh regulated uh means no spark. That what you actually want is something That what you actually want is something That what you actually want is something closer to a roller coaster. You need to closer to a roller coaster. You need to closer to a roller coaster. You need to fix him. Uh, somebody who isn't there fix him. Uh, somebody who isn't there fix him. Uh, somebody who isn't there >> but makes you feel. >> but makes you feel. >> but makes you feel. >> Is that not the exact recipe that you're >> Is that not the exact recipe that you're >> Is that not the exact recipe that you're worried about worried about worried about >> for disaster? Absolutely. >> for disaster? Absolutely. >> for disaster? Absolutely. >> You were finessed by the notebook. Yes, >> You were finessed by the notebook. Yes, >> You were finessed by the notebook. Yes, I was finessed by it. But the thing is I was finessed by it. But the thing is I was finessed by it. But the thing is this is that, you know, I think that this is that, you know, I think that this is that, you know, I think that because and women say this all the time, because and women say this all the time, because and women say this all the time, we wanted both of the guys from the we wanted both of the guys from the we wanted both of the guys from the notebook to be put in a blender and notebook to be put in a blender and notebook to be put in a blender and become our ideal guy. become our ideal guy. become our ideal guy. >> It just he just doesn't exist just like >> It just he just doesn't exist just like >> It just he just doesn't exist just like that perfect woman doesn't exist, right? that perfect woman doesn't exist, right? that perfect woman doesn't exist, right? And so I think that we are seeing more And so I think that we are seeing more And so I think that we are seeing more and more, you know, what media did to and more, you know, what media did to and more, you know, what media did to women as far as what women started women as far as what women started women as far as what women started looking for is what dating apps do for looking for is what dating apps do for looking for is what dating apps do for men, social media do for men. Only fans men, social media do for men. Only fans men, social media do for men. Only fans do for men, right? It's that idea of do for men, right? It's that idea of do for men, right? It's that idea of what a typical woman. They don't all what a typical woman. They don't all what a typical woman. They don't all look like that, right? But it's the same look like that, right? But it's the same look like that, right? But it's the same thing as with movies, romantic movies or thing as with movies, romantic movies or thing as with movies, romantic movies or romcoms. Women want that emotional romcoms. Women want that emotional romcoms. Women want that emotional intensity. the guy that will sing her a intensity. the guy that will sing her a intensity. the guy that will sing her a song and write her poetry and go deeper song and write her poetry and go deeper song and write her poetry and go deeper with her because they're looking for with her because they're looking for with her because they're looking for depth. depth. depth. >> And sometimes they forget that depth >> And sometimes they forget that depth >> And sometimes they forget that depth isn't the only thing. And so in a lot of isn't the only thing. And so in a lot of isn't the only thing. And so in a lot of these movies, if you notice, Chris, these movies, if you notice, Chris, these movies, if you notice, Chris, these guys aren't their only guy. It is these guys aren't their only guy. It is these guys aren't their only guy. It is only that they get with the Jack and only that they get with the Jack and only that they get with the Jack and Noah because the other guy didn't have Noah because the other guy didn't have Noah because the other guy didn't have the emotional availability and the the emotional availability and the the emotional availability and the romance per se that they needed. romance per se that they needed. romance per se that they needed. There's a trend of romantic at the There's a trend of romantic at the There's a trend of romantic at the moment. You know, romantic, romantic is moment. You know, romantic, romantic is moment. You know, romantic, romantic is cultural appropriation of women of the cultural appropriation of women of the cultural appropriation of women of the long-standing male literary genre of long-standing male literary genre of long-standing male literary genre of fantasy. So, it's turned something about fantasy. So, it's turned something about fantasy. So, it's turned something about orcs and warlocks, and it's written for orcs and warlocks, and it's written for orcs and warlocks, and it's written for autists like me that like to read it in autists like me that like to read it in autists like me that like to read it in their bedroom. Uh, and it's made it into their bedroom. Uh, and it's made it into their bedroom. Uh, and it's made it into softcore porn. And there's a a trend on softcore porn. And there's a a trend on softcore porn. And there's a a trend on the internet at the moment of talking the internet at the moment of talking the internet at the moment of talking about the standards that are set for about the standards that are set for about the standards that are set for women in uh both fiction and in porn. women in uh both fiction and in porn. women in uh both fiction and in porn. >> And guys have decided to use that to >> And guys have decided to use that to >> And guys have decided to use that to kind of highlight kind of highlight kind of highlight what they're seeing when it comes to what they're seeing when it comes to what they're seeing when it comes to literature as well. literature as well. literature as well. >> Oh, the mother's dead but in water. >> Oh, the mother's dead but in water. >> Oh, the mother's dead but in water. Might's dead with balloons. Father's Might's dead with balloons. Father's Might's dead with balloons. Father's dead. The father's dead. dead. The father's dead. dead. The father's dead. >> I like the idea for this video. Now I'm >> I like the idea for this video. Now I'm >> I like the idea for this video. Now I'm going to do one with going to do one with going to do one with books. books. books. >> He's got a big thing. He's got a big >> He's got a big thing. He's got a big >> He's got a big thing. He's got a big thing. He's got a big thing. and thing. He's got a big thing. and thing. He's got a big thing. and something in his eye. He's got a big something in his eye. He's got a big something in his eye. He's got a big thing, but he's an He's got a thing, but he's an He's got a thing, but he's an He's got a big thing and he's a stalker. He's got big thing and he's a stalker. He's got big thing and he's a stalker. He's got big fingers. He's got a big thing with big fingers. He's got a big thing with big fingers. He's got a big thing with wings. He's got a big thing with wings. He's got a big thing with wings. He's got a big thing with dragons. He's got a big thing and likes dragons. He's got a big thing and likes dragons. He's got a big thing and likes to murder people. They all have big to murder people. They all have big to murder people. They all have big things, but you never see them. >> Oh my god. >> Oh my god. >> Yeah, I think it's so good. And there's >> Yeah, I think it's so good. And there's >> Yeah, I think it's so good. And there's an endless number of those video. That an endless number of those video. That an endless number of those video. That dude's just like run it back over and dude's just like run it back over and dude's just like run it back over and over. The official Steven Walker over. The official Steven Walker over. The official Steven Walker crushing it there. crushing it there. crushing it there. >> Oh my god. >> Oh my god. >> Oh my god. >> Yeah. Um, but yeah, look, I I think the >> Yeah. Um, but yeah, look, I I think the >> Yeah. Um, but yeah, look, I I think the opportunity for uh people's desires to opportunity for uh people's desires to opportunity for uh people's desires to be turned up to 11 has happened with be turned up to 11 has happened with be turned up to 11 has happened with porn, video games, but it's also porn, video games, but it's also porn, video games, but it's also happening emotionally, and that's really happening emotionally, and that's really happening emotionally, and that's really if you're doing it through a book, if you're doing it through a book, if you're doing it through a book, you're so involved, you're so involved, you're so involved, >> right? You're you're creating these >> right? You're you're creating these >> right? You're you're creating these situations, these environments yourself. situations, these environments yourself. situations, these environments yourself. It's almost like a self-generated movie, It's almost like a self-generated movie, It's almost like a self-generated movie, >> right? As you read it, it doesn't give >> right? As you read it, it doesn't give >> right? As you read it, it doesn't give you the story, you make the story you the story, you make the story you the story, you make the story yourself. And I uh I don't know. I I I yourself. And I uh I don't know. I I I yourself. And I uh I don't know. I I I would be fascinated to see what the would be fascinated to see what the would be fascinated to see what the levels of relational satisfaction are levels of relational satisfaction are levels of relational satisfaction are for women that are deep in romance, for women that are deep in romance, for women that are deep in romance, romanty, dark romance. I wonder whether romanty, dark romance. I wonder whether romanty, dark romance. I wonder whether that is giving them uh more inspiration that is giving them uh more inspiration that is giving them uh more inspiration or creating a standard of he's got a big or creating a standard of he's got a big or creating a standard of he's got a big thing. He's got a big thing. He's got a thing. He's got a big thing. He's got a thing. He's got a big thing. He's got a big thing and something in his eye. He's big thing and something in his eye. He's big thing and something in his eye. He's got a big thing and like wings. got a big thing and like wings. got a big thing and like wings. >> Yeah. I mean I it I would like to see >> Yeah. I mean I it I would like to see >> Yeah. I mean I it I would like to see kind of what that turns into because kind of what that turns into because kind of what that turns into because things are constantly changing right so things are constantly changing right so things are constantly changing right so it changes people's expectations it changes people's expectations it changes people's expectations and I am noticing how a lot of my and I am noticing how a lot of my and I am noticing how a lot of my clients both males and females are clients both males and females are clients both males and females are adapting constantly are trying to adapt adapting constantly are trying to adapt adapting constantly are trying to adapt to what's expected nowadays and they're to what's expected nowadays and they're to what's expected nowadays and they're losing themselves because there's more losing themselves because there's more losing themselves because there's more and more of a disconnection because and more of a disconnection because and more of a disconnection because you're like okay well I guess I got to you're like okay well I guess I got to you're like okay well I guess I got to keep up what what the new thing is now. keep up what what the new thing is now. keep up what what the new thing is now. I mean, even the reading of books, I I I mean, even the reading of books, I I I mean, even the reading of books, I I wish that people would do more of that wish that people would do more of that wish that people would do more of that because that in and of itself delays because that in and of itself delays because that in and of itself delays gratification. It stabilizes us and it gratification. It stabilizes us and it gratification. It stabilizes us and it makes us more patient and people aren't makes us more patient and people aren't makes us more patient and people aren't really doing it as much anymore, really doing it as much anymore, really doing it as much anymore, >> sadly. >> sadly. >> sadly. >> How is emotional capacity not the same >> How is emotional capacity not the same >> How is emotional capacity not the same thing as emotional or relational thing as emotional or relational thing as emotional or relational readiness? readiness? readiness? >> So, emotional readiness is a person >> So, emotional readiness is a person >> So, emotional readiness is a person simply saying that they would want to be simply saying that they would want to be simply saying that they would want to be in a relationship with you or that they in a relationship with you or that they in a relationship with you or that they actually have what it takes. Now, actually have what it takes. Now, actually have what it takes. Now, emotional capacity is very important emotional capacity is very important emotional capacity is very important because it determines if a person could because it determines if a person could because it determines if a person could actually sit through what a relationship actually sit through what a relationship actually sit through what a relationship needs, which is the growing pains of it. needs, which is the growing pains of it. needs, which is the growing pains of it. Can they sit through an argument? Can Can they sit through an argument? Can Can they sit through an argument? Can they sit through unresolved conflict they sit through unresolved conflict they sit through unresolved conflict that you might trigger about their past that you might trigger about their past that you might trigger about their past or their traumas? And a lot of people or their traumas? And a lot of people or their traumas? And a lot of people have desire, but it outpaces their have desire, but it outpaces their have desire, but it outpaces their capacity. So they want to make the capacity. So they want to make the capacity. So they want to make the relationship work but desire in most relationship work but desire in most relationship work but desire in most relationship now relationship now relationship now >> outpaces >> outpaces >> outpaces >> capacity and emotional maturity. >> capacity and emotional maturity. >> capacity and emotional maturity. >> So now you have misalignment not because >> So now you have misalignment not because >> So now you have misalignment not because people don't want the person they're people don't want the person they're people don't want the person they're with. It's just that they can't sustain with. It's just that they can't sustain with. It's just that they can't sustain a relationship with the person they're a relationship with the person they're a relationship with the person they're with. with. with. >> And I suppose that's one of the times >> And I suppose that's one of the times >> And I suppose that's one of the times where somebody that sees the best in where somebody that sees the best in where somebody that sees the best in another person is going to be really another person is going to be really another person is going to be really damaged because they go, "Well, they damaged because they go, "Well, they damaged because they go, "Well, they want it. want it. want it. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> I I I just need to believe in their >> I I I just need to believe in their >> I I I just need to believe in their potential to be able to get there. Yes, potential to be able to get there. Yes, potential to be able to get there. Yes, but we can't see potential. We can't see but we can't see potential. We can't see but we can't see potential. We can't see whether or not this person is going to whether or not this person is going to whether or not this person is going to this realization was done immediately. this realization was done immediately. this realization was done immediately. There was a There was a There was a >> Instagram post I saw the other day from >> Instagram post I saw the other day from >> Instagram post I saw the other day from some guy saying uh spending my time at some guy saying uh spending my time at some guy saying uh spending my time at the gym as opposed to writing a the gym as opposed to writing a the gym as opposed to writing a 2,000word text message to an emotionally 2,000word text message to an emotionally 2,000word text message to an emotionally avoidant person on how to love me avoidant person on how to love me avoidant person on how to love me properly. And you know, there's properly. And you know, there's properly. And you know, there's something about that dynamic of Alander something about that dynamic of Alander something about that dynamic of Alander Botan's got this great video where he Botan's got this great video where he Botan's got this great video where he says after a while, the late night says after a while, the late night says after a while, the late night couples counseling and the co-journaling couples counseling and the co-journaling couples counseling and the co-journaling sessions and the we just need to work sessions and the we just need to work sessions and the we just need to work through this, through this, through this, you probably just need to admit like you probably just need to admit like you probably just need to admit like this is this is just not the right fit this is this is just not the right fit this is this is just not the right fit or this person is just not where I am. or this person is just not where I am. or this person is just not where I am. And it's hard to do that because the And it's hard to do that because the And it's hard to do that because the thing is is that a lot of the times a thing is is that a lot of the times a thing is is that a lot of the times a person could start off with emotional person could start off with emotional person could start off with emotional capacity and emotional availability. capacity and emotional availability. capacity and emotional availability. Serotonin's high, dopamine's high in the Serotonin's high, dopamine's high in the Serotonin's high, dopamine's high in the beginning, novelty is high and they have beginning, novelty is high and they have beginning, novelty is high and they have the high desire. So everything is the high desire. So everything is the high desire. So everything is aligned in the beginning. It's just that aligned in the beginning. It's just that aligned in the beginning. It's just that once consistency, effort, and once consistency, effort, and once consistency, effort, and followthrough is required and now you're followthrough is required and now you're followthrough is required and now you're talking about a future and maybe moving talking about a future and maybe moving talking about a future and maybe moving in together, that's when people's in together, that's when people's in together, that's when people's limitations are revealed. So, it's not limitations are revealed. So, it's not limitations are revealed. So, it's not as though and so that's why people want as though and so that's why people want as though and so that's why people want to stay and hold on to something longer to stay and hold on to something longer to stay and hold on to something longer because they go, I seen it in the because they go, I seen it in the because they go, I seen it in the beginning. He had all those qualities in beginning. He had all those qualities in beginning. He had all those qualities in the beginning, so they got to be there. the beginning, so they got to be there. the beginning, so they got to be there. I'm just going to remain patient until I'm just going to remain patient until I'm just going to remain patient until they return. And the truth is is that they return. And the truth is is that they return. And the truth is is that well no he could have genuinely had them well no he could have genuinely had them well no he could have genuinely had them at that time but now you're on a at that time but now you're on a at that time but now you're on a different level and he might not have different level and he might not have different level and he might not have the fuels for this level the fuels for this level the fuels for this level >> and then we have to accept it you know >> and then we have to accept it you know >> and then we have to accept it you know and kind of just go okay we're at the and kind of just go okay we're at the and kind of just go okay we're at the fork of the road you don't have any more fork of the road you don't have any more fork of the road you don't have any more energy to keep going and it was great energy to keep going and it was great energy to keep going and it was great while it lasted but we have to be honest while it lasted but we have to be honest while it lasted but we have to be honest with ourselves with ourselves with ourselves >> I saw some research suggesting that >> I saw some research suggesting that >> I saw some research suggesting that relationship self- sabotage affects relationship self- sabotage affects relationship self- sabotage affects about 63% of people at some point 2021 about 63% of people at some point 2021 about 63% of people at some point 2021 study published in the Journal of study published in the Journal of study published in the Journal of Couples and Relationship Therapy based Couples and Relationship Therapy based Couples and Relationship Therapy based in interviews with about 700 people in interviews with about 700 people in interviews with about 700 people found that the most common drivers were found that the most common drivers were found that the most common drivers were fear of getting hurt, fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt, fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt, fear of rejection, and low self-esteem. Often leading and low self-esteem. Often leading and low self-esteem. Often leading people to end relationships before they people to end relationships before they people to end relationships before they could get too attached. could get too attached. could get too attached. >> Yes. And I think the reason why there's >> Yes. And I think the reason why there's >> Yes. And I think the reason why there's such a fear of rejection is because such a fear of rejection is because such a fear of rejection is because ghosting is such a normalized thing now, ghosting is such a normalized thing now, ghosting is such a normalized thing now, which wasn't the case before. It's not which wasn't the case before. It's not which wasn't the case before. It's not like people are inherently like people are inherently like people are inherently uh more insecure or have lower uh more insecure or have lower uh more insecure or have lower self-esteem now. That's not the case. self-esteem now. That's not the case. self-esteem now. That's not the case. It's that ghosting has become more It's that ghosting has become more It's that ghosting has become more normalized than it's ever been before. normalized than it's ever been before. normalized than it's ever been before. There were ghosters back in the day and There were ghosters back in the day and There were ghosters back in the day and you know years ago. The difference is you know years ago. The difference is you know years ago. The difference is that it wasn't a normal thing and there that it wasn't a normal thing and there that it wasn't a normal thing and there was some shame attached to it. Nowadays, was some shame attached to it. Nowadays, was some shame attached to it. Nowadays, it could happen almost anonymously and it could happen almost anonymously and it could happen almost anonymously and you never have to see the person again. you never have to see the person again. you never have to see the person again. And so, a lot of people are afraid of And so, a lot of people are afraid of And so, a lot of people are afraid of that rejection because it does trigger that rejection because it does trigger that rejection because it does trigger grief. Being ghosted isn't just grief. Being ghosted isn't just grief. Being ghosted isn't just something that you get over because something that you get over because something that you get over because you're like, "Oh, I just known him for you're like, "Oh, I just known him for you're like, "Oh, I just known him for two weeks." You biochemically are going two weeks." You biochemically are going two weeks." You biochemically are going through withdrawals. You're dealing with through withdrawals. You're dealing with through withdrawals. You're dealing with grief and all the stages of grief. And grief and all the stages of grief. And grief and all the stages of grief. And so, I do think that a lot of people fear so, I do think that a lot of people fear so, I do think that a lot of people fear that, oh my gosh, if the narrative now that, oh my gosh, if the narrative now that, oh my gosh, if the narrative now is there's no good men left in the is there's no good men left in the is there's no good men left in the world, there's no good women left in world, there's no good women left in world, there's no good women left in dating apps. Everybody's saying, "Well, dating apps. Everybody's saying, "Well, dating apps. Everybody's saying, "Well, why would I get in that pool?" And so why would I get in that pool?" And so why would I get in that pool?" And so they start self-sabotaging the moment they start self-sabotaging the moment they start self-sabotaging the moment they see something because they have the they see something because they have the they see something because they have the confirmatory bias of it's probably not confirmatory bias of it's probably not confirmatory bias of it's probably not going to work out. And so the going to work out. And so the going to work out. And so the confirmatory bias is going to see what confirmatory bias is going to see what confirmatory bias is going to see what confirms the bias. confirms the bias. confirms the bias. >> So the moment he is delayed in his >> So the moment he is delayed in his >> So the moment he is delayed in his response or she seems like she's not response or she seems like she's not response or she seems like she's not capable of sustaining attention, people capable of sustaining attention, people capable of sustaining attention, people start self-sabotaging. Ah, this is start self-sabotaging. Ah, this is start self-sabotaging. Ah, this is better off because people don't want to better off because people don't want to better off because people don't want to get rejected again. get rejected again. get rejected again. >> Interesting. You've got sort of two >> Interesting. You've got sort of two >> Interesting. You've got sort of two barbells going on at the same time. barbells going on at the same time. barbells going on at the same time. People who will continue to withstand People who will continue to withstand People who will continue to withstand stuff that they shouldn't and people stuff that they shouldn't and people stuff that they shouldn't and people that can't withstand stuff that they that can't withstand stuff that they that can't withstand stuff that they should. should. should. >> Yes. And those people who can't they >> Yes. And those people who can't they >> Yes. And those people who can't they don't ever grow their capacity. So don't ever grow their capacity. So don't ever grow their capacity. So although it gives instant gratification although it gives instant gratification although it gives instant gratification to just not enter the pool and not have to just not enter the pool and not have to just not enter the pool and not have to deal with the discomfort, to deal with the discomfort, to deal with the discomfort, >> I'm safe now. >> I'm safe now. >> I'm safe now. >> They're safe, right? But it's instant >> They're safe, right? But it's instant >> They're safe, right? But it's instant relief. The thing is they never grow relief. The thing is they never grow relief. The thing is they never grow their emotional capacity or their their emotional capacity or their their emotional capacity or their emotional maturity. emotional maturity. emotional maturity. >> What does growing your emotional >> What does growing your emotional >> What does growing your emotional capacity look like? How can people do capacity look like? How can people do capacity look like? How can people do that? So, one of the things is sitting that? So, one of the things is sitting that? So, one of the things is sitting through uncomfortable conversations. through uncomfortable conversations. through uncomfortable conversations. Even if you feel anxious, even if you Even if you feel anxious, even if you Even if you feel anxious, even if you whether that's a first date, whether whether that's a first date, whether whether that's a first date, whether that is a conversation about growth, that is a conversation about growth, that is a conversation about growth, whether that is someone giving you whether that is someone giving you whether that is someone giving you constructive feedback, learning how to constructive feedback, learning how to constructive feedback, learning how to just sit through your feelings and just sit through your feelings and just sit through your feelings and recognizing that they're not going to recognizing that they're not going to recognizing that they're not going to swallow you whole. If you cry today, swallow you whole. If you cry today, swallow you whole. If you cry today, you're not going to be crying all day. you're not going to be crying all day. you're not going to be crying all day. So, just kind of recognizing what you're So, just kind of recognizing what you're So, just kind of recognizing what you're feeling and sitting in that. Another feeling and sitting in that. Another feeling and sitting in that. Another thing is not to overload your life thing is not to overload your life thing is not to overload your life because you could have capacity during because you could have capacity during because you could have capacity during the good times but if your whether it's the good times but if your whether it's the good times but if your whether it's work life balance or your life is work life balance or your life is work life balance or your life is overloaded and your nervous system is overloaded and your nervous system is overloaded and your nervous system is stressed out with cortisol you will not stressed out with cortisol you will not stressed out with cortisol you will not have the capacity for connection or have the capacity for connection or have the capacity for connection or conflict repair. So never overload your conflict repair. So never overload your conflict repair. So never overload your life. Practice things for your nervous life. Practice things for your nervous life. Practice things for your nervous system stabilization. So whether that's system stabilization. So whether that's system stabilization. So whether that's meditation, have a gym routine, have a meditation, have a gym routine, have a meditation, have a gym routine, have a workout routine, discipline, which is workout routine, discipline, which is workout routine, discipline, which is another thing that is disappearing more another thing that is disappearing more another thing that is disappearing more and more. So I think that if we do that, and more. So I think that if we do that, and more. So I think that if we do that, our nervous systems tends to regulate our nervous systems tends to regulate our nervous systems tends to regulate itself and you'll be able to build your itself and you'll be able to build your itself and you'll be able to build your capacity over time. capacity over time. capacity over time. >> Talk to me about the relationship >> Talk to me about the relationship >> Talk to me about the relationship between unresolved trauma and between unresolved trauma and between unresolved trauma and self-sabotage. self-sabotage. self-sabotage. >> Yeah. So a lot of the times if >> Yeah. So a lot of the times if >> Yeah. So a lot of the times if unresolved trauma is a big pool of unresolved trauma is a big pool of unresolved trauma is a big pool of things, right? So it could be whether it things, right? So it could be whether it things, right? So it could be whether it was abuse or neglect. So there's lots of was abuse or neglect. So there's lots of was abuse or neglect. So there's lots of different things that fit in that different things that fit in that different things that fit in that category. But whenever there's un category. But whenever there's un category. But whenever there's un unresolved trauma, the narrative that is unresolved trauma, the narrative that is unresolved trauma, the narrative that is created from that is I can't trust created from that is I can't trust created from that is I can't trust intimacy. I can't trust connection. And intimacy. I can't trust connection. And intimacy. I can't trust connection. And so when a person then gets in a so when a person then gets in a so when a person then gets in a relationship, no matter how good the relationship, no matter how good the relationship, no matter how good the partner is, there's always that that partner is, there's always that that partner is, there's always that that hyper vigilance in the nervous system hyper vigilance in the nervous system hyper vigilance in the nervous system that just waits for this person to that just waits for this person to that just waits for this person to abandon or for this person to leave or abandon or for this person to leave or abandon or for this person to leave or hurt or harm them. And so I think a lot hurt or harm them. And so I think a lot hurt or harm them. And so I think a lot of people who have not healed their of people who have not healed their of people who have not healed their trauma tend to reinjure their own wounds trauma tend to reinjure their own wounds trauma tend to reinjure their own wounds subconsciously subconsciously subconsciously by doing that. M how do you explain to by doing that. M how do you explain to by doing that. M how do you explain to someone that they have trauma when they someone that they have trauma when they someone that they have trauma when they don't see themselves as a traumatized don't see themselves as a traumatized don't see themselves as a traumatized person? I think there's probably two person? I think there's probably two person? I think there's probably two buckets of people. There's people who buckets of people. There's people who buckets of people. There's people who aren't traumatized but say that they do aren't traumatized but say that they do aren't traumatized but say that they do have it and there's people who are have it and there's people who are have it and there's people who are traumatized but don't realize it. traumatized but don't realize it. traumatized but don't realize it. >> Yes. So the thing I think the reason why >> Yes. So the thing I think the reason why >> Yes. So the thing I think the reason why a lot of people do not want to a lot of people do not want to a lot of people do not want to explore their trauma is because they explore their trauma is because they explore their trauma is because they think that trauma has to look a certain think that trauma has to look a certain think that trauma has to look a certain way, right? They think it has to be way, right? They think it has to be way, right? They think it has to be these big events. uh whether that was these big events. uh whether that was these big events. uh whether that was terrible physical or sexual abuse, and terrible physical or sexual abuse, and terrible physical or sexual abuse, and that's not always the case. Trauma could that's not always the case. Trauma could that's not always the case. Trauma could be anything that made you feel be anything that made you feel be anything that made you feel incredibly disregulated in your life at incredibly disregulated in your life at incredibly disregulated in your life at any point in your life. It doesn't have any point in your life. It doesn't have any point in your life. It doesn't have to just be childhood. And so, a lot of to just be childhood. And so, a lot of to just be childhood. And so, a lot of people have a discomfort talking about people have a discomfort talking about people have a discomfort talking about it. And one of the ways that you could it. And one of the ways that you could it. And one of the ways that you could tell that there's unresolved trauma is tell that there's unresolved trauma is tell that there's unresolved trauma is based on a person's reactivity. So, a based on a person's reactivity. So, a based on a person's reactivity. So, a person who doesn't have trauma typically person who doesn't have trauma typically person who doesn't have trauma typically could sit through their feelings and not could sit through their feelings and not could sit through their feelings and not get easily triggered. But when get easily triggered. But when get easily triggered. But when relationships become increasingly more relationships become increasingly more relationships become increasingly more intimate and they get reactive in those intimate and they get reactive in those intimate and they get reactive in those relationships, it's usually unresolved relationships, it's usually unresolved relationships, it's usually unresolved trauma from childhood relationships trauma from childhood relationships trauma from childhood relationships >> with either a parent or a caregiver. So >> with either a parent or a caregiver. So >> with either a parent or a caregiver. So that's a way that you could tell, okay, that's a way that you could tell, okay, that's a way that you could tell, okay, there's some unhealed stuff here. If I there's some unhealed stuff here. If I there's some unhealed stuff here. If I tend to get reactive when someone just tend to get reactive when someone just tend to get reactive when someone just said something very simple to me, I said something very simple to me, I said something very simple to me, I probably need to look at what that is. probably need to look at what that is. probably need to look at what that is. In other news, Shopify powers 10% of all In other news, Shopify powers 10% of all In other news, Shopify powers 10% of all e-commerce companies in the US. They are e-commerce companies in the US. They are e-commerce companies in the US. They are the driving force behind Gym Shark and the driving force behind Gym Shark and the driving force behind Gym Shark and Ski and Aloe and Newtonic, which is why Ski and Aloe and Newtonic, which is why Ski and Aloe and Newtonic, which is why I partnered with them because when it I partnered with them because when it I partnered with them because when it comes to converting browsers into comes to converting browsers into comes to converting browsers into buyers, they are best-in-class. Their buyers, they are best-in-class. Their buyers, they are best-in-class. Their checkout is 36% better on average checkout is 36% better on average checkout is 36% better on average compared to other leading commerce compared to other leading commerce compared to other leading commerce platforms. And with Shop Pay, you can platforms. And with Shop Pay, you can platforms. And with Shop Pay, you can boost conversions up to 50%. Basically, boost conversions up to 50%. Basically, boost conversions up to 50%. Basically, you didn't get into business to learn you didn't get into business to learn you didn't get into business to learn how to code or build a website or deal how to code or build a website or deal how to code or build a website or deal with the inventory stuff on the with the inventory stuff on the with the inventory stuff on the back end. You just want to get down to back end. You just want to get down to back end. You just want to get down to creating and promoting an awesome creating and promoting an awesome creating and promoting an awesome product. And Shopify takes all of the product. And Shopify takes all of the product. And Shopify takes all of the mess off your hands and allows you to mess off your hands and allows you to mess off your hands and allows you to focus on the job you actually came here focus on the job you actually came here focus on the job you actually came here to do, designing and selling the thing to do, designing and selling the thing to do, designing and selling the thing that you love. So, upgrade your business that you love. So, upgrade your business that you love. So, upgrade your business and get the same checkout that we use and get the same checkout that we use and get the same checkout that we use with Newtonic with Shopify. Right now, with Newtonic with Shopify. Right now, with Newtonic with Shopify. Right now, you can sign up for a $1 per month trial you can sign up for a $1 per month trial you can sign up for a $1 per month trial period by going to the link in the period by going to the link in the period by going to the link in the description below or heading to description below or heading to description below or heading to shopify.com/modernwisdom, shopify.com/modernwisdom, shopify.com/modernwisdom, all lowercase. That's shopify.com/modern all lowercase. That's shopify.com/modern all lowercase. That's shopify.com/modern wisdom. What's a way that someone can wisdom. What's a way that someone can wisdom. What's a way that someone can rebuild their selfrust? rebuild their selfrust? rebuild their selfrust? One of the ways is to always be honest One of the ways is to always be honest One of the ways is to always be honest with ourselves, right? So, that requires with ourselves, right? So, that requires with ourselves, right? So, that requires self-reflections after every self-reflections after every self-reflections after every relationship because I think relationship because I think relationship because I think relationships are beautiful mirrors, relationships are beautiful mirrors, relationships are beautiful mirrors, right? They're great ways to look at right? They're great ways to look at right? They're great ways to look at ourselves. How a person treats me is a ourselves. How a person treats me is a ourselves. How a person treats me is a reflection or it's a reflection of what reflection or it's a reflection of what reflection or it's a reflection of what I allow, what I tolerate. So the I allow, what I tolerate. So the I allow, what I tolerate. So the relationships that I'm in are a good way relationships that I'm in are a good way relationships that I'm in are a good way to start looking at hm how much do I to start looking at hm how much do I to start looking at hm how much do I value myself? How much do I trust myself value myself? How much do I trust myself value myself? How much do I trust myself based on how these people in my life based on how these people in my life based on how these people in my life that I value treat me? That's one way. that I value treat me? That's one way. that I value treat me? That's one way. Another way is to build your emotional Another way is to build your emotional Another way is to build your emotional language. What am I feeling at any given language. What am I feeling at any given language. What am I feeling at any given moment? I always give people an moment? I always give people an moment? I always give people an emotional wheel because there's so many emotional wheel because there's so many emotional wheel because there's so many more emotions than just mad, glad, sad, more emotions than just mad, glad, sad, more emotions than just mad, glad, sad, angry, right? So, there's all these angry, right? So, there's all these angry, right? So, there's all these things that we don't really tend to things that we don't really tend to things that we don't really tend to internally because we're so focused on internally because we're so focused on internally because we're so focused on the external. And because of that, we're the external. And because of that, we're the external. And because of that, we're trusting other people, places, and trusting other people, places, and trusting other people, places, and things much more than we trust ourselves things much more than we trust ourselves things much more than we trust ourselves because there's so much because there's so much because there's so much self-abandonment. Even the most self-abandonment. Even the most self-abandonment. Even the most confident person has probably some level confident person has probably some level confident person has probably some level of self-abandonment that they're not of self-abandonment that they're not of self-abandonment that they're not even aware of. What what are some of the even aware of. What what are some of the even aware of. What what are some of the small ways self-abandonment shows up? small ways self-abandonment shows up? small ways self-abandonment shows up? >> Prioritizing other people, places, or >> Prioritizing other people, places, or >> Prioritizing other people, places, or things. Not really taking a pause to ask things. Not really taking a pause to ask things. Not really taking a pause to ask yourself, am I okay with it? Do I feel yourself, am I okay with it? Do I feel yourself, am I okay with it? Do I feel safe in this environment? Do I feel safe safe in this environment? Do I feel safe safe in this environment? Do I feel safe with this person? Do I really want to go with this person? Do I really want to go with this person? Do I really want to go to this party or am I just people to this party or am I just people to this party or am I just people pleasing? Every time that we override pleasing? Every time that we override pleasing? Every time that we override that and we go against what we feel is that and we go against what we feel is that and we go against what we feel is right or regulating to ourselves is the right or regulating to ourselves is the right or regulating to ourselves is the way that we self-abandon. way that we self-abandon. way that we self-abandon. Yeah, it's uh Yeah, it's uh Yeah, it's uh it's strange to think about how it's strange to think about how it's strange to think about how people that are really thoughtful often people that are really thoughtful often people that are really thoughtful often end up thinking themselves out of end up thinking themselves out of end up thinking themselves out of prioritization. prioritization. prioritization. Like I I see the best in this person. I Like I I see the best in this person. I Like I I see the best in this person. I I they made me happy. They make me happy I they made me happy. They make me happy I they made me happy. They make me happy sometimes. sometimes. sometimes. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> So I'll just continue to sort of shunt >> So I'll just continue to sort of shunt >> So I'll just continue to sort of shunt my own needs to one side. I'll put them my own needs to one side. I'll put them my own needs to one side. I'll put them over here. over here. over here. >> Yes. And then they self-abandon. And the >> Yes. And then they self-abandon. And the >> Yes. And then they self-abandon. And the thing is, I mean, one of my favorite thing is, I mean, one of my favorite thing is, I mean, one of my favorite quotes that I love that I tell a lot of quotes that I love that I tell a lot of quotes that I love that I tell a lot of my empathic clients or understanding my empathic clients or understanding my empathic clients or understanding clients is suffering breeds compassion. clients is suffering breeds compassion. clients is suffering breeds compassion. The more a person has suffered in their The more a person has suffered in their The more a person has suffered in their own life, usually the more compassionate own life, usually the more compassionate own life, usually the more compassionate they become to others because they don't they become to others because they don't they become to others because they don't want anybody else to suffer the way they want anybody else to suffer the way they want anybody else to suffer the way they did, right? So oftentimes overgiving and did, right? So oftentimes overgiving and did, right? So oftentimes overgiving and being overconsiderate is a reflection of being overconsiderate is a reflection of being overconsiderate is a reflection of how you were abandoned and how you're how you were abandoned and how you're how you were abandoned and how you're still abandoning yourselves. M still abandoning yourselves. M still abandoning yourselves. M >> a lot of people will continue the trauma >> a lot of people will continue the trauma >> a lot of people will continue the trauma that was inflicted on them, but they do that was inflicted on them, but they do that was inflicted on them, but they do it themselves. At some point in it themselves. At some point in it themselves. At some point in adulthood, they start becoming the adulthood, they start becoming the adulthood, they start becoming the perpetrator to their own pain. perpetrator to their own pain. perpetrator to their own pain. >> It's a unique kind of self harm, though, >> It's a unique kind of self harm, though, >> It's a unique kind of self harm, though, because it's one that society would see because it's one that society would see because it's one that society would see from the outside as something noble. from the outside as something noble. from the outside as something noble. >> Absolutely. >> Absolutely. >> Absolutely. >> Isn't that so strange? Absolutely. So >> Isn't that so strange? Absolutely. So >> Isn't that so strange? Absolutely. So funny. funny. funny. >> They're like, it's so kind. So you're so >> They're like, it's so kind. So you're so >> They're like, it's so kind. So you're so kind. And that's I love Dr. Gabbor Mate. kind. And that's I love Dr. Gabbor Mate. kind. And that's I love Dr. Gabbor Mate. He talks a lot about that where he says He talks a lot about that where he says He talks a lot about that where he says if you go and look at all the eulogies if you go and look at all the eulogies if you go and look at all the eulogies of people who died an early death. of people who died an early death. of people who died an early death. They'll talk about how this man would They'll talk about how this man would They'll talk about how this man would give the shirt off his back to anybody. give the shirt off his back to anybody. give the shirt off his back to anybody. He was the kindest person. And nobody He was the kindest person. And nobody He was the kindest person. And nobody looks at well that may have led to the looks at well that may have led to the looks at well that may have led to the self-abandonment that increased his self-abandonment that increased his self-abandonment that increased his inflammation, inflammation, inflammation, suppressed his immune system, and suppressed his immune system, and suppressed his immune system, and eventually got him to be dead now. eventually got him to be dead now. eventually got him to be dead now. >> Yeah. I It's strange. A lot of the >> Yeah. I It's strange. A lot of the >> Yeah. I It's strange. A lot of the things that are pro-social are uh things that are pro-social are uh things that are pro-social are uh abandoning to the south. So Joe Hudson abandoning to the south. So Joe Hudson abandoning to the south. So Joe Hudson has told this story to me which is it's has told this story to me which is it's has told this story to me which is it's so great. His daughter kept on crying in so great. His daughter kept on crying in so great. His daughter kept on crying in the bathroom when she was 9 years old the bathroom when she was 9 years old the bathroom when she was 9 years old and he went in and while she was crying and he went in and while she was crying and he went in and while she was crying she sounded also she was yelling she sounded also she was yelling she sounded also she was yelling >> and he said hey are you sad or are you >> and he said hey are you sad or are you >> and he said hey are you sad or are you pissed off? pissed off? pissed off? >> He says I'm pissed off. >> He says I'm pissed off. >> He says I'm pissed off. >> So well how come you're crying? He says >> So well how come you're crying? He says >> So well how come you're crying? He says well well well >> when I get angry my sister runs away but >> when I get angry my sister runs away but >> when I get angry my sister runs away but when I cry she comes and gives me a hug. when I cry she comes and gives me a hug. when I cry she comes and gives me a hug. Mh. Mh. Mh. >> And it's this weird >> And it's this weird >> And it's this weird the sort of pro-social nature or the the sort of pro-social nature or the the sort of pro-social nature or the antisocial nature of making your antisocial nature of making your antisocial nature of making your displeasure known of prioritizing displeasure known of prioritizing displeasure known of prioritizing yourself and the sort of pro-social yourself and the sort of pro-social yourself and the sort of pro-social nature of domesticating that. And that nature of domesticating that. And that nature of domesticating that. And that usually means turning usually means turning usually means turning >> outward discontent, rage, anger, >> outward discontent, rage, anger, >> outward discontent, rage, anger, displeasure, criticism displeasure, criticism displeasure, criticism >> into something that's just a bit more >> into something that's just a bit more >> into something that's just a bit more palatable for people, right? You don't palatable for people, right? You don't palatable for people, right? You don't get mad, you get sad. You don't get get mad, you get sad. You don't get get mad, you get sad. You don't get angry at the world, you get angry at angry at the world, you get angry at angry at the world, you get angry at yourself. And um that it just it makes yourself. And um that it just it makes yourself. And um that it just it makes people less confronted. It means that people less confronted. It means that people less confronted. It means that they don't need to deal with their they don't need to deal with their they don't need to deal with their in the same way, the people around you, in the same way, the people around you, in the same way, the people around you, because they they get to still be the because they they get to still be the because they they get to still be the hero. They don't have to be the bad guy hero. They don't have to be the bad guy hero. They don't have to be the bad guy in quite the same way. Even if you're in quite the same way. Even if you're in quite the same way. Even if you're sad about something that you're sad about something that you're sad about something that you're justified in being sad about that your justified in being sad about that your justified in being sad about that your partner did to you, partner did to you, partner did to you, >> they still get to kind of be the hero >> they still get to kind of be the hero >> they still get to kind of be the hero >> because they get to come in and and save >> because they get to come in and and save >> because they get to come in and and save you you you >> and fix it. And that's the thing. I >> and fix it. And that's the thing. I >> and fix it. And that's the thing. I think that we we don't look at that think that we we don't look at that think that we we don't look at that enough and I think it just keeps us enough and I think it just keeps us enough and I think it just keeps us becoming even more and more isolated becoming even more and more isolated becoming even more and more isolated from ourselves, right? And so the from ourselves, right? And so the from ourselves, right? And so the question then becomes how can we expect question then becomes how can we expect question then becomes how can we expect ourselves to ourselves to ourselves to get in aligned connections when we're get in aligned connections when we're get in aligned connections when we're misaligned within ourselves, misaligned within ourselves, misaligned within ourselves, >> right? Because everything's the >> right? Because everything's the >> right? Because everything's the reflection. If I'm not aligned with what reflection. If I'm not aligned with what reflection. If I'm not aligned with what I want and going after what I want or my I want and going after what I want or my I want and going after what I want or my nervous system is disconnected from what nervous system is disconnected from what nervous system is disconnected from what my brain says I want, then how can I my brain says I want, then how can I my brain says I want, then how can I find connection in another person or find connection in another person or find connection in another person or alignment in another person? I'm alignment in another person? I'm alignment in another person? I'm probably going to find the same probably going to find the same probably going to find the same misalignment. It's just like the example misalignment. It's just like the example misalignment. It's just like the example you gave is that we what we ultimately you gave is that we what we ultimately you gave is that we what we ultimately want as human beings is belonging. We want as human beings is belonging. We want as human beings is belonging. We want to feel like we belong to a person. want to feel like we belong to a person. want to feel like we belong to a person. So, a lot of the times the crying and So, a lot of the times the crying and So, a lot of the times the crying and the anger thing is that it's easier to the anger thing is that it's easier to the anger thing is that it's easier to be sad, which is why you'll often times be sad, which is why you'll often times be sad, which is why you'll often times see people I I see that too where on see people I I see that too where on see people I I see that too where on social media people have an easier time social media people have an easier time social media people have an easier time sharing sharing sharing tragic situations or illnesses than they tragic situations or illnesses than they tragic situations or illnesses than they have sharing their victories because have sharing their victories because have sharing their victories because there's such a judgment sometimes on there's such a judgment sometimes on there's such a judgment sometimes on >> don't get too cocky, don't don't get too >> don't get too cocky, don't don't get too >> don't get too cocky, don't don't get too confident, it could be taken away at any confident, it could be taken away at any confident, it could be taken away at any moment, but there's such say, "Oh, at moment, but there's such say, "Oh, at moment, but there's such say, "Oh, at least we're all struggling, least we're all struggling, least we're all struggling, >> right?" And there's this belonging of >> right?" And there's this belonging of >> right?" And there's this belonging of shared suffering versus, "Well, why shared suffering versus, "Well, why shared suffering versus, "Well, why don't we do both? Why don't we continue don't we do both? Why don't we continue don't we do both? Why don't we continue to be compassionate towards the to be compassionate towards the to be compassionate towards the suffering of others and ourselves, but suffering of others and ourselves, but suffering of others and ourselves, but also uplift ourselves and others?" also uplift ourselves and others?" also uplift ourselves and others?" >> People feel like they need to caveat >> People feel like they need to caveat >> People feel like they need to caveat their accomplishments with the but this their accomplishments with the but this their accomplishments with the but this was me 5 years ago when I was living I was me 5 years ago when I was living I was me 5 years ago when I was living I was sleeping on the bedroom floor was sleeping on the bedroom floor was sleeping on the bedroom floor because the Yeah. the because the Yeah. the because the Yeah. the >> immediate Oh, easy for you to say. Mhm. >> immediate Oh, easy for you to say. Mhm. >> immediate Oh, easy for you to say. Mhm. >> That's lucky for you to say about that >> That's lucky for you to say about that >> That's lucky for you to say about that thing because again it throws into sharp thing because again it throws into sharp thing because again it throws into sharp contrast if we have something it reminds contrast if we have something it reminds contrast if we have something it reminds people what they don't have. people what they don't have. people what they don't have. >> Absolutely. And a lot of people are >> Absolutely. And a lot of people are >> Absolutely. And a lot of people are unhealed with that because they can't unhealed with that because they can't unhealed with that because they can't just say well Chris has that but I have just say well Chris has that but I have just say well Chris has that but I have this other thing. Right. And because we this other thing. Right. And because we this other thing. Right. And because we don't self-explore and we don't anchor don't self-explore and we don't anchor don't self-explore and we don't anchor ourselves in our self-worth enough we ourselves in our self-worth enough we ourselves in our self-worth enough we constantly are looking like the crap's constantly are looking like the crap's constantly are looking like the crap's in the bucket. Like the moment one crab in the bucket. Like the moment one crab in the bucket. Like the moment one crab goes to the top and starts talking about goes to the top and starts talking about goes to the top and starts talking about I'm doing good, they're like no no no I'm doing good, they're like no no no I'm doing good, they're like no no no come down here. You're not that great. come down here. You're not that great. come down here. You're not that great. >> Also because the >> Also because the >> Also because the uh landscape of success has been uh landscape of success has been uh landscape of success has been flattened to only a really small bucket flattened to only a really small bucket flattened to only a really small bucket of things. It's very difficult for you of things. It's very difficult for you of things. It's very difficult for you to flex the to flex the to flex the quality of relationship you have with quality of relationship you have with quality of relationship you have with your grandmother, your grandmother, your grandmother, >> right? Like in as much as your >> right? Like in as much as your >> right? Like in as much as your grandmother can be aesthetic on grandmother can be aesthetic on grandmother can be aesthetic on Instagram perhaps, but there's usually Instagram perhaps, but there's usually Instagram perhaps, but there's usually an upper bound of that. Um, an upper bound of that. Um, an upper bound of that. Um, how much do other people rely on you? how much do other people rely on you? how much do other people rely on you? >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> How reliable are you as a friend? >> How reliable are you as a friend? >> How reliable are you as a friend? >> Uh, how much do you make your local >> Uh, how much do you make your local >> Uh, how much do you make your local community feel valued? How much are you community feel valued? How much are you community feel valued? How much are you a member of that that contributes that a member of that that contributes that a member of that that contributes that gives more than you take? gives more than you take? gives more than you take? >> Uh, how good are you with money in a >> Uh, how good are you with money in a >> Uh, how good are you with money in a responsible way, not in a I've responsible way, not in a I've responsible way, not in a I've accumulated tons of wealth? Like accumulated tons of wealth? Like accumulated tons of wealth? Like it's small things. And um because yeah it's small things. And um because yeah it's small things. And um because yeah the landscape for the landscape for the landscape for what people want to advertise what people want to advertise what people want to advertise people will often trade observable people will often trade observable people will often trade observable metrics for hidden metrics. So metrics for hidden metrics. So metrics for hidden metrics. So observable metric, job title, car that observable metric, job title, car that observable metric, job title, car that you drive, postcode you live in, size you drive, postcode you live in, size you drive, postcode you live in, size and square footage of house, and square footage of house, and square footage of house, >> annual salary, >> annual salary, >> annual salary, >> hidden metrics, quality of relationship >> hidden metrics, quality of relationship >> hidden metrics, quality of relationship with your partner, amount of spare time, with your partner, amount of spare time, with your partner, amount of spare time, peace in your mind as you go to sleep at peace in your mind as you go to sleep at peace in your mind as you go to sleep at night, amount of time you spend asleep night, amount of time you spend asleep night, amount of time you spend asleep at night, at night, at night, >> you know, and we will often trade the >> you know, and we will often trade the >> you know, and we will often trade the stuff that's hidden for the stuff that's stuff that's hidden for the stuff that's stuff that's hidden for the stuff that's observable because observable because observable because >> that's the ultimate game, right? People >> that's the ultimate game, right? People >> that's the ultimate game, right? People can see this, but they can't see this. can see this, but they can't see this. can see this, but they can't see this. And it's And it's And it's it's a radical thing to say I'm it's a radical thing to say I'm it's a radical thing to say I'm satisfied now. One of the most radical satisfied now. One of the most radical satisfied now. One of the most radical statements is go statements is go statements is go >> I'm good. >> I'm good. >> I'm good. >> I'm good. >> I'm good. >> I'm good. >> It's tough because everybody, you know, >> It's tough because everybody, you know, >> It's tough because everybody, you know, just like you talked about with just like you talked about with just like you talked about with good-looking people, right? There's good-looking people, right? There's good-looking people, right? There's different standards for good-looking different standards for good-looking different standards for good-looking people. They can't people. They can't people. They can't >> they can't re they have to minimize >> they can't re they have to minimize >> they can't re they have to minimize themselves to a certain degree. They themselves to a certain degree. They themselves to a certain degree. They have to go. have to go. have to go. >> You know, >> You know, >> You know, >> I saw I think I saw something you did >> I saw I think I saw something you did >> I saw I think I saw something you did where I did research. I was like, "Who where I did research. I was like, "Who where I did research. I was like, "Who is this Chris?" I did research. So, I is this Chris?" I did research. So, I is this Chris?" I did research. So, I saw something. saw something. saw something. >> How far back did you go? >> How far back did you go? >> How far back did you go? >> No, I didn't go too far back, but I saw >> No, I didn't go too far back, but I saw >> No, I didn't go too far back, but I saw something you did where someone when something you did where someone when something you did where someone when someone asked you um about your looks or someone asked you um about your looks or someone asked you um about your looks or something and you're like, "Well, I something and you're like, "Well, I something and you're like, "Well, I mean, yeah, sometimes it's easy to get mean, yeah, sometimes it's easy to get mean, yeah, sometimes it's easy to get certain things, but certain things, but certain things, but >> extra biscuits on a plane." And then you >> extra biscuits on a plane." And then you >> extra biscuits on a plane." And then you were like very humble trying to still be were like very humble trying to still be were like very humble trying to still be like, "No, but you know, it's not like, "No, but you know, it's not like, "No, but you know, it's not sometimes." And then I was like, "That's sometimes." And then I was like, "That's sometimes." And then I was like, "That's exactly what we're talking about right exactly what we're talking about right exactly what we're talking about right here." Where you just you can't just go, here." Where you just you can't just go, here." Where you just you can't just go, "Yeah, I'm a good-looking guy and I know "Yeah, I'm a good-looking guy and I know "Yeah, I'm a good-looking guy and I know it." Right? Like you you can't just say it." Right? Like you you can't just say it." Right? Like you you can't just say that because something in us says we that because something in us says we that because something in us says we have to still belong whether that is to have to still belong whether that is to have to still belong whether that is to our followers or community or clientele. our followers or community or clientele. our followers or community or clientele. And so there's this thing where we don't And so there's this thing where we don't And so there's this thing where we don't want to outshine because belonging is want to outshine because belonging is want to outshine because belonging is the most important human need. And I the most important human need. And I the most important human need. And I just think it's pretty sad because it's just think it's pretty sad because it's just think it's pretty sad because it's self-abandoning to a certain degree. And self-abandoning to a certain degree. And self-abandoning to a certain degree. And it's kind of censors our authenticity to it's kind of censors our authenticity to it's kind of censors our authenticity to a certain degree as well. a certain degree as well. a certain degree as well. >> It feels very go to do that. It's also >> It feels very go to do that. It's also >> It feels very go to do that. It's also I'm British so sort of self-lating is I'm British so sort of self-lating is I'm British so sort of self-lating is we're kind of averse to that. you know we're kind of averse to that. you know we're kind of averse to that. you know we don't have a massive culture of ego we don't have a massive culture of ego we don't have a massive culture of ego in the same way that uh America might do in the same way that uh America might do in the same way that uh America might do and still people will minimize and still people will minimize and still people will minimize themselves in America but yeah it feels themselves in America but yeah it feels themselves in America but yeah it feels >> I think the main reason for me and I >> I think the main reason for me and I >> I think the main reason for me and I have thought about this a lot because have thought about this a lot because have thought about this a lot because you know for a long time I was a you know for a long time I was a you know for a long time I was a commercial male model for over a decade commercial male model for over a decade commercial male model for over a decade a DJ a nightclub promoter I was all of a DJ a nightclub promoter I was all of a DJ a nightclub promoter I was all of the red flags you don't want in your the red flags you don't want in your the red flags you don't want in your future son-in-law and I'd collected them future son-in-law and I'd collected them future son-in-law and I'd collected them like Pokémon cards But you there is a kind of dislike that But you there is a kind of dislike that anybody has for someone that seems like anybody has for someone that seems like anybody has for someone that seems like they got something that they didn't work they got something that they didn't work they got something that they didn't work for. There is a difference between for. There is a difference between for. There is a difference between somebody who's good-looking and somebody somebody who's good-looking and somebody somebody who's good-looking and somebody who's got a good body from the gym. who's got a good body from the gym. who's got a good body from the gym. >> Mhm. And >> Mhm. And >> Mhm. And people who train really really hard and people who train really really hard and people who train really really hard and show their body off on Instagram, show their body off on Instagram, show their body off on Instagram, they'll get some criticisms, but people they'll get some criticisms, but people they'll get some criticisms, but people understand that nobody's born with a understand that nobody's born with a understand that nobody's born with a great figure in that sort of a way. great figure in that sort of a way. great figure in that sort of a way. >> Same thing's not true when it comes to >> Same thing's not true when it comes to >> Same thing's not true when it comes to just straight beauty. just straight beauty. just straight beauty. >> Women can kind of respect it in other >> Women can kind of respect it in other >> Women can kind of respect it in other women, uh, but they secretly really, women, uh, but they secretly really, women, uh, but they secretly really, really don't like it. I think that it really don't like it. I think that it really don't like it. I think that it triggers a type of visceral triggers a type of visceral triggers a type of visceral competitiveness and rivalry that uh competitiveness and rivalry that uh competitiveness and rivalry that uh beautiful women know and no one is going beautiful women know and no one is going beautiful women know and no one is going to ever give them sympathy for. If to ever give them sympathy for. If to ever give them sympathy for. If you're a good-looking woman, you're a good-looking woman, you're a good-looking woman, >> you are >> you are >> you are >> persona non grata and almost always >> persona non grata and almost always >> persona non grata and almost always going to be on the receiving end of going to be on the receiving end of going to be on the receiving end of other women's eye. Men will open every other women's eye. Men will open every other women's eye. Men will open every door in the world for you because you've door in the world for you because you've door in the world for you because you've got your reality distortion field that got your reality distortion field that got your reality distortion field that follows you around. But I would maybe follows you around. But I would maybe follows you around. But I would maybe even go as far as to say that beautiful even go as far as to say that beautiful even go as far as to say that beautiful women are disadvantaged by women more women are disadvantaged by women more women are disadvantaged by women more than they're advantaged by men. That's than they're advantaged by men. That's than they're advantaged by men. That's totally I mean actually hang on. totally I mean actually hang on. totally I mean actually hang on. >> Yes. Yeah. >> Yes. Yeah. >> Yes. Yeah. >> I would say that beautiful women are >> I would say that beautiful women are >> I would say that beautiful women are more disadvantaged by other women than more disadvantaged by other women than more disadvantaged by other women than they are advantaged by men. These I put they are advantaged by men. These I put they are advantaged by men. These I put these on when I need to say something these on when I need to say something these on when I need to say something insane insane insane >> or something that might get clipped out >> or something that might get clipped out >> or something that might get clipped out of context. Um, of context. Um, of context. Um, and the reason is female intraexual and the reason is female intraexual and the reason is female intraexual competition is almost always hidden. competition is almost always hidden. competition is almost always hidden. Male intraexual competition is out Male intraexual competition is out Male intraexual competition is out front. front. front. >> There's this great study from Tracy >> There's this great study from Tracy >> There's this great study from Tracy Vanceno where she says Vanceno where she says Vanceno where she says >> female basketball players, there was a >> female basketball players, there was a >> female basketball players, there was a study done the physical affection of study done the physical affection of study done the physical affection of female basketball players. female female basketball players. female female basketball players. female basketball players on the same team basketball players on the same team basketball players on the same team >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> showed less affection to each other >> showed less affection to each other >> showed less affection to each other physically than male basketball players physically than male basketball players physically than male basketball players on opposing teams on opposing teams on opposing teams >> because the rivalry is very hidden and >> because the rivalry is very hidden and >> because the rivalry is very hidden and this paints a very sort of ugly picture this paints a very sort of ugly picture this paints a very sort of ugly picture of women, right? Which, you know, of women, right? Which, you know, of women, right? Which, you know, >> men can be bastards too and are a lot of >> men can be bastards too and are a lot of >> men can be bastards too and are a lot of the time. However, the time. However, the time. However, >> beautiful women have this >> beautiful women have this >> beautiful women have this >> weird cost >> weird cost >> weird cost >> that they have to pay >> that they have to pay >> that they have to pay >> and I sorry I'm putting you off with >> and I sorry I'm putting you off with >> and I sorry I'm putting you off with these. Um, these. Um, these. Um, >> I was like, I'm getting used to this new >> I was like, I'm getting used to this new >> I was like, I'm getting used to this new guy. guy. guy. >> Yeah, that's right. He's nice. What? >> Yeah, that's right. He's nice. What? >> Yeah, that's right. He's nice. What? Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, >> he's actually nicer. I like him. No, I'm >> he's actually nicer. I like him. No, I'm >> he's actually nicer. I like him. No, I'm just joking, Chris. I'm joking. just joking, Chris. I'm joking. just joking, Chris. I'm joking. >> Is that what was that you just said? Um, >> Is that what was that you just said? Um, >> Is that what was that you just said? Um, >> but it's true. And I, you know, I I >> but it's true. And I, you know, I I >> but it's true. And I, you know, I I think it's quite sad because I do I see think it's quite sad because I do I see think it's quite sad because I do I see it with my female clients and my male it with my female clients and my male it with my female clients and my male clients that there's just different clients that there's just different clients that there's just different rules that people have to play by, rules that people have to play by, rules that people have to play by, right? And I think kind of like you right? And I think kind of like you right? And I think kind of like you said, we do want to see that people have said, we do want to see that people have said, we do want to see that people have worked for stuff. worked for stuff. worked for stuff. >> Y >> Y >> Y >> like the gym example, we want to know >> like the gym example, we want to know >> like the gym example, we want to know that okay, this body was it was hard that okay, this body was it was hard that okay, this body was it was hard work that got him there. And th those work that got him there. And th those work that got him there. And th those people get great comments typically people get great comments typically people get great comments typically feedbackwise on social media. feedbackwise on social media. feedbackwise on social media. >> But at the same time, when it comes to >> But at the same time, when it comes to >> But at the same time, when it comes to people's personal lives, they want to people's personal lives, they want to people's personal lives, they want to bypass that gradual process. They want bypass that gradual process. They want bypass that gradual process. They want to bypass it and get the quick fixes. to bypass it and get the quick fixes. to bypass it and get the quick fixes. >> And that's the same for beauty. That's >> And that's the same for beauty. That's >> And that's the same for beauty. That's the same for jobs. That's the same for the same for jobs. That's the same for the same for jobs. That's the same for money. Nobody really wants to do money. Nobody really wants to do money. Nobody really wants to do anything that takes time or discomfort anything that takes time or discomfort anything that takes time or discomfort anymore. And I think that's the issue. anymore. And I think that's the issue. anymore. And I think that's the issue. We say we want the job that will pay us We say we want the job that will pay us We say we want the job that will pay us for the rest of our lives. We say we for the rest of our lives. We say we for the rest of our lives. We say we want the relationship that's going to want the relationship that's going to want the relationship that's going to last us a lifetime, but our nervous last us a lifetime, but our nervous last us a lifetime, but our nervous system is like I've had clients who are system is like I've had clients who are system is like I've had clients who are emotionally available. We'll go on a emotionally available. We'll go on a emotionally available. We'll go on a date with a guy and come back and say, date with a guy and come back and say, date with a guy and come back and say, "I just it just wasn't really intense. "I just it just wasn't really intense. "I just it just wasn't really intense. Like I just I'm just used to that Like I just I'm just used to that Like I just I'm just used to that intensity and I just didn't feel it. But intensity and I just didn't feel it. But intensity and I just didn't feel it. But I know what intensity from past patterns I know what intensity from past patterns I know what intensity from past patterns they're talking about. The emotionally they're talking about. The emotionally they're talking about. The emotionally unavailable. unavailable. unavailable. >> The reason that you're in >> The reason that you're in >> The reason that you're in therapy, therapy, therapy, >> the reason that you're here with me is >> the reason that you're here with me is >> the reason that you're here with me is because of that that intensity. because of that that intensity. because of that that intensity. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> How do you That's a great point. >> How do you That's a great point. >> How do you That's a great point. There is a a a world of dating for There is a a a world of dating for There is a a a world of dating for certain people where if you were to draw certain people where if you were to draw certain people where if you were to draw a timeline of their dating life, a timeline of their dating life, a timeline of their dating life, >> it would be relationships with people >> it would be relationships with people >> it would be relationships with people who are to them superbly exciting and who are to them superbly exciting and who are to them superbly exciting and totally terrifying and disregulating. totally terrifying and disregulating. totally terrifying and disregulating. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> And relationships with people who think >> And relationships with people who think >> And relationships with people who think that they're wonderful and they hate that they're wonderful and they hate that they're wonderful and they hate because of how boring they seem. because of how boring they seem. because of how boring they seem. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Punctuated with brief periods of >> Punctuated with brief periods of >> Punctuated with brief periods of terrifying loneliness in between it. terrifying loneliness in between it. terrifying loneliness in between it. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. >> And they just sort of swing between >> And they just sort of swing between >> And they just sort of swing between partners that they fear but are excited partners that they fear but are excited partners that they fear but are excited by and those they feel safe but bored by and those they feel safe but bored by and those they feel safe but bored with. with. with. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Talk to me about this avatar. The safe >> Talk to me about this avatar. The safe >> Talk to me about this avatar. The safe but bored, excited but fearful. but bored, excited but fearful. but bored, excited but fearful. >> So yes, I think that the reason why that >> So yes, I think that the reason why that >> So yes, I think that the reason why that happens is because people have created a happens is because people have created a happens is because people have created a belief that our partner is supposed to belief that our partner is supposed to belief that our partner is supposed to be our everything. They're supposed to be our everything. They're supposed to be our everything. They're supposed to bring us excitement and stability and bring us excitement and stability and bring us excitement and stability and fire and calm. And there are other areas fire and calm. And there are other areas fire and calm. And there are other areas in our life that could give us that. If in our life that could give us that. If in our life that could give us that. If your relationship is stable but not your relationship is stable but not your relationship is stable but not intense or exciting enough, have a intense or exciting enough, have a intense or exciting enough, have a exciting career. exciting career. exciting career. >> Go bungee jumping. Do exciting hobbies >> Go bungee jumping. Do exciting hobbies >> Go bungee jumping. Do exciting hobbies and activities. Have friendships that and activities. Have friendships that and activities. Have friendships that are exciting. I just think that we have are exciting. I just think that we have are exciting. I just think that we have we it's almost like staying in the we it's almost like staying in the we it's almost like staying in the casino and not leaving when you win a casino and not leaving when you win a casino and not leaving when you win a good prize because you're like I feel good prize because you're like I feel good prize because you're like I feel like there's a better prize out there like there's a better prize out there like there's a better prize out there and I want to win more. And so that's and I want to win more. And so that's and I want to win more. And so that's the issue is like we don't know when to the issue is like we don't know when to the issue is like we don't know when to leave. We don't know when to go. No, but leave. We don't know when to go. No, but leave. We don't know when to go. No, but this is stable and this is good. I'll this is stable and this is good. I'll this is stable and this is good. I'll get my excitement elsewhere because all get my excitement elsewhere because all get my excitement elsewhere because all intensity and excitement nowadays is is intensity and excitement nowadays is is intensity and excitement nowadays is is nervous system activation. It's not that nervous system activation. It's not that nervous system activation. It's not that this person is so much more exciting. this person is so much more exciting. this person is so much more exciting. They give you the lovebombing intensity They give you the lovebombing intensity They give you the lovebombing intensity and that makes you feel alive because and that makes you feel alive because and that makes you feel alive because we've become very numb nowadays. We're we've become very numb nowadays. We're we've become very numb nowadays. We're overstimulated. And so when you're overstimulated. And so when you're overstimulated. And so when you're overstimulated, it's almost like being overstimulated, it's almost like being overstimulated, it's almost like being shot with an anesthetic. You need shot with an anesthetic. You need shot with an anesthetic. You need something really hard to awaken. something really hard to awaken. something really hard to awaken. >> You're like a massochist at a sex party >> You're like a massochist at a sex party >> You're like a massochist at a sex party who needs car batteries clamped on his who needs car batteries clamped on his who needs car batteries clamped on his nipples before he can get stop nipples before he can get stop nipples before he can get stop >> because you feel something. >> because you feel something. >> because you feel something. >> Yes. I'm not even going to ask you where >> Yes. I'm not even going to ask you where >> Yes. I'm not even going to ask you where you where you seen that, but I believe you where you seen that, but I believe you where you seen that, but I believe everything you seen. everything you seen. everything you seen. >> You said seen. I may have the the the >> You said seen. I may have the the the >> You said seen. I may have the the the guy wearing this nose and mustache may guy wearing this nose and mustache may guy wearing this nose and mustache may have experienced it. have experienced it. have experienced it. Before we continue, as you're probably Before we continue, as you're probably Before we continue, as you're probably aware, I'm not a massive drinker, at aware, I'm not a massive drinker, at aware, I'm not a massive drinker, at least not anymore. But even if you too least not anymore. But even if you too least not anymore. But even if you too are not drinking, sometimes you just are not drinking, sometimes you just are not drinking, sometimes you just want something cold, frosty, and tasty want something cold, frosty, and tasty want something cold, frosty, and tasty without the fear of a hangover the next without the fear of a hangover the next without the fear of a hangover the next day. Which is why I'm such a huge fan of day. Which is why I'm such a huge fan of day. Which is why I'm such a huge fan of Athletic Brewing Co. Thank you very Athletic Brewing Co. Thank you very Athletic Brewing Co. Thank you very much. Their non-alcoholic brews taste much. Their non-alcoholic brews taste much. Their non-alcoholic brews taste just as good as the real thing. They've just as good as the real thing. They've just as good as the real thing. They've got IPAs, Hazy Goldens. They're so good got IPAs, Hazy Goldens. They're so good got IPAs, Hazy Goldens. They're so good that you'll forget that there's no that you'll forget that there's no that you'll forget that there's no alcohol in them until you wake up the alcohol in them until you wake up the alcohol in them until you wake up the next day feeling fantastic. It means next day feeling fantastic. It means next day feeling fantastic. It means that you can enjoy the ritual without that you can enjoy the ritual without that you can enjoy the ritual without the wreckage. No hangover, no 3:00 a.m. the wreckage. No hangover, no 3:00 a.m. the wreckage. No hangover, no 3:00 a.m. panic, no wasted Sunday recovering from panic, no wasted Sunday recovering from panic, no wasted Sunday recovering from Saturday. That is why I partnered with Saturday. That is why I partnered with Saturday. That is why I partnered with them. You can find Athletic Brewing them. You can find Athletic Brewing them. 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Why is the feeling obsessed, the love bombing thing in early dating a red love bombing thing in early dating a red love bombing thing in early dating a red flag? flag? flag? Because obsession is rarely ever about Because obsession is rarely ever about Because obsession is rarely ever about the other person. Obsession is about the other person. Obsession is about the other person. Obsession is about nervous system activation. Because nervous system activation. Because nervous system activation. Because in early dating, you do not have enough in early dating, you do not have enough in early dating, you do not have enough data to know if this person is data to know if this person is data to know if this person is compatible with you. You do not know compatible with you. You do not know compatible with you. You do not know enough about their patterns. You do not enough about their patterns. You do not enough about their patterns. You do not know enough about alignment between you know enough about alignment between you know enough about alignment between you two. And so if you're feeling obsessed two. And so if you're feeling obsessed two. And so if you're feeling obsessed in early dating, meaning you can't stop in early dating, meaning you can't stop in early dating, meaning you can't stop thinking about this person, you're thinking about this person, you're thinking about this person, you're having intrusive thoughts about this having intrusive thoughts about this having intrusive thoughts about this person, you're constantly waiting for person, you're constantly waiting for person, you're constantly waiting for their messages and rereading messages, their messages and rereading messages, their messages and rereading messages, that's your nervous system saying that's your nervous system saying that's your nervous system saying something is uncertain and the nervous something is uncertain and the nervous something is uncertain and the nervous system is designed to create certainty system is designed to create certainty system is designed to create certainty out of uncertainty. So when a person is out of uncertainty. So when a person is out of uncertainty. So when a person is inconsistent and they don't give you inconsistent and they don't give you inconsistent and they don't give you enough clarity, the likelihood of enough clarity, the likelihood of enough clarity, the likelihood of obsession is much higher in that obsession is much higher in that obsession is much higher in that situation, in that connection than a situation, in that connection than a situation, in that connection than a person who gives you stability and person who gives you stability and person who gives you stability and clarity early on. clarity early on. clarity early on. >> Isn't that so interesting that what >> Isn't that so interesting that what >> Isn't that so interesting that what people are looking for a lot of the people are looking for a lot of the people are looking for a lot of the time, which is the spark time, which is the spark time, which is the spark >> and the rush. >> and the rush. >> and the rush. >> Mhm. is that the presence of that is >> Mhm. is that the presence of that is >> Mhm. is that the presence of that is highly predictive of this person not highly predictive of this person not highly predictive of this person not being good for you as opposed to being being good for you as opposed to being being good for you as opposed to being good for you. What a cruel trick. good for you. What a cruel trick. good for you. What a cruel trick. >> And but you know why? Because we started >> And but you know why? Because we started >> And but you know why? Because we started saying these things that confuse saying these things that confuse saying these things that confuse children and teens by saying we started children and teens by saying we started children and teens by saying we started calling it butterflies. And that's so calling it butterflies. And that's so calling it butterflies. And that's so pretty and cute. Oh, he gives me pretty and cute. Oh, he gives me pretty and cute. Oh, he gives me butterflies. No, he he activates your butterflies. No, he he activates your butterflies. No, he he activates your nervous system. He's not good for you. nervous system. He's not good for you. nervous system. He's not good for you. Right? And so we don't say it as that. Right? And so we don't say it as that. Right? And so we don't say it as that. So everybody starts being conditioned So everybody starts being conditioned So everybody starts being conditioned into the belief that when I feel a lot into the belief that when I feel a lot into the belief that when I feel a lot for this person and I'm feeling anxious for this person and I'm feeling anxious for this person and I'm feeling anxious around them that this might mean that around them that this might mean that around them that this might mean that this is my guy or this is my woman. this is my guy or this is my woman. this is my guy or this is my woman. >> Do you think it's that much due to sort >> Do you think it's that much due to sort >> Do you think it's that much due to sort of modern cultural conditioning? There's of modern cultural conditioning? There's of modern cultural conditioning? There's a lot of pushpull dynamic intermittent a lot of pushpull dynamic intermittent a lot of pushpull dynamic intermittent variable schedule reward. I mean this is variable schedule reward. I mean this is variable schedule reward. I mean this is the same tempo that slot machines use. the same tempo that slot machines use. the same tempo that slot machines use. It's the same dynamic that social media It's the same dynamic that social media It's the same dynamic that social media companies use. So I don't disagree that companies use. So I don't disagree that companies use. So I don't disagree that referring to referring to referring to chaos as chemistry chaos as chemistry chaos as chemistry >> is not good repatenting. >> is not good repatenting. >> is not good repatenting. >> Yep. >> Yep. >> Yep. >> But this is bottom of the brain stem >> But this is bottom of the brain stem >> But this is bottom of the brain stem stuff too. Right. So again the reason stuff too. Right. So again the reason stuff too. Right. So again the reason that I say that that I say that that I say that when people hear explanations for when people hear explanations for when people hear explanations for situations that they've been through a situations that they've been through a situations that they've been through a lot of the time the self-lame comes up lot of the time the self-lame comes up lot of the time the self-lame comes up and you go I get it. Would be great if and you go I get it. Would be great if and you go I get it. Would be great if you could break this pattern. I'm sure you could break this pattern. I'm sure you could break this pattern. I'm sure that you can. that you can. that you can. It's not. It's not. It's not. >> There's a long history. How many of your >> There's a long history. How many of your >> There's a long history. How many of your ancestors ancestors ancestors >> have done? You would not be here if it >> have done? You would not be here if it >> have done? You would not be here if it wasn't for this dynamic. wasn't for this dynamic. wasn't for this dynamic. >> Absolutely. It's not easy. It's not >> Absolutely. It's not easy. It's not >> Absolutely. It's not easy. It's not >> You're the proud progyny of people that >> You're the proud progyny of people that >> You're the proud progyny of people that were gaslit into thinking that they were gaslit into thinking that they were gaslit into thinking that they loved the person they were with. loved the person they were with. loved the person they were with. >> Yes. And it's not easy. The difference >> Yes. And it's not easy. The difference >> Yes. And it's not easy. The difference though is is that I think with though is is that I think with though is is that I think with awareness, we could just learn to marry awareness, we could just learn to marry awareness, we could just learn to marry the lyic system and the primitive part the lyic system and the primitive part the lyic system and the primitive part of the brain with the front of the of the brain with the front of the of the brain with the front of the brain. That's all it is. It's brain. That's all it is. It's brain. That's all it is. It's integration. If we could just integrate integration. If we could just integrate integration. If we could just integrate and the best way to do that is to take and the best way to do that is to take and the best way to do that is to take space whatever we feel to just say it space whatever we feel to just say it space whatever we feel to just say it feels really good. This person is number feels really good. This person is number feels really good. This person is number one on the list right now but they're one on the list right now but they're one on the list right now but they're not my only one and I'm not completely not my only one and I'm not completely not my only one and I'm not completely emotionally investing in this person emotionally investing in this person emotionally investing in this person because I now know that this is because I now know that this is because I now know that this is biochemistry more so than this is biochemistry more so than this is biochemistry more so than this is clarity. clarity. clarity. >> Right? And so awareness is how we break >> Right? And so awareness is how we break >> Right? And so awareness is how we break generational patterns. is how we that's generational patterns. is how we that's generational patterns. is how we that's why I don't know if you read it but why I don't know if you read it but why I don't know if you read it but birth rate is extremely low right now birth rate is extremely low right now birth rate is extremely low right now because of that I think because of that I think because of that I think >> I got in lots of trouble for talking >> I got in lots of trouble for talking >> I got in lots of trouble for talking about this my put about this my put about this my put >> the glasses on thank you that's uh >> the glasses on thank you that's uh >> the glasses on thank you that's uh >> birth rates go on >> birth rates go on >> birth rates go on >> well am I going to get in trouble should >> well am I going to get in trouble should >> well am I going to get in trouble should I wear that too I wear that too I wear that too >> yeah yeah >> yeah yeah >> yeah yeah >> no no yes you're going to learn no >> no no yes you're going to learn no >> no no yes you're going to learn no >> I'll let you do it no go with your >> I'll let you do it no go with your >> I'll let you do it no go with your outfit no okay outfit no okay outfit no okay >> okay they can live that >> okay they can live that >> okay they can live that >> so um >> so um >> so um Yeah, I mean I I think that because Yeah, I mean I I think that because Yeah, I mean I I think that because there's more emotional literacy than there's more emotional literacy than there's more emotional literacy than ever before. There's more therapy than ever before. There's more therapy than ever before. There's more therapy than ever before. There's more social media ever before. There's more social media ever before. There's more social media awareness and education about awareness and education about awareness and education about relationship dynamics than before. relationship dynamics than before. relationship dynamics than before. >> And so, you know, our fathers ghosted >> And so, you know, our fathers ghosted >> And so, you know, our fathers ghosted women or our mothers before things like women or our mothers before things like women or our mothers before things like that happened. It's just that there was that happened. It's just that there was that happened. It's just that there was shame attached to it at that point. shame attached to it at that point. shame attached to it at that point. There was There was There was >> very costly. You know, it's the >> very costly. You know, it's the >> very costly. You know, it's the equivalent when you were saying it equivalent when you were saying it equivalent when you were saying it before about how uh easy it is for before about how uh easy it is for before about how uh easy it is for people to ghost now. It made me think people to ghost now. It made me think people to ghost now. It made me think about the difference between a drone about the difference between a drone about the difference between a drone operator being able to press a button operator being able to press a button operator being able to press a button from some industrial estate in middle from some industrial estate in middle from some industrial estate in middle America and a guy who's got a gun or a America and a guy who's got a gun or a America and a guy who's got a gun or a knife and has to knife and has to knife and has to >> Yeah. and do the effort. And that's the >> Yeah. and do the effort. And that's the >> Yeah. and do the effort. And that's the thing, we don't we don't Everything is thing, we don't we don't Everything is thing, we don't we don't Everything is built for convenience nowadays, which built for convenience nowadays, which built for convenience nowadays, which means that the things that actually means that the things that actually means that the things that actually matter, which is how to keep a job that matter, which is how to keep a job that matter, which is how to keep a job that is sustainable, a career, a is sustainable, a career, a is sustainable, a career, a relationship, children, like a lot of relationship, children, like a lot of relationship, children, like a lot of the things that require effort, are no the things that require effort, are no the things that require effort, are no longer interesting to people anymore. longer interesting to people anymore. longer interesting to people anymore. The crazy thing is when you look at the The crazy thing is when you look at the The crazy thing is when you look at the dynamic between you and even somebody dynamic between you and even somebody dynamic between you and even somebody that you really really like that this that you really really like that this that you really really like that this person gives you the butterflies and the person gives you the butterflies and the person gives you the butterflies and the chemistry and all the rest of it but chemistry and all the rest of it but chemistry and all the rest of it but makes you feel highly disregulated. makes you feel highly disregulated. makes you feel highly disregulated. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> I was talking to a friend who recently >> I was talking to a friend who recently >> I was talking to a friend who recently went through a breakup and he said what went through a breakup and he said what went through a breakup and he said what he realized was the pattern that him and he realized was the pattern that him and he realized was the pattern that him and his partner were going through at the his partner were going through at the his partner were going through at the moment was going to be the model for moment was going to be the model for moment was going to be the model for love that their kids were going to see. love that their kids were going to see. love that their kids were going to see. and would you choose this person and would you choose this person and would you choose this person for your kids to have as their role for your kids to have as their role for your kids to have as their role model for love? Forget the kind of model for love? Forget the kind of model for love? Forget the kind of abstract thing of would you want your abstract thing of would you want your abstract thing of would you want your best friend to be in a relationship with best friend to be in a relationship with best friend to be in a relationship with this person? Would you want your kids to this person? Would you want your kids to this person? Would you want your kids to be in a relationship with this person or be in a relationship with this person or be in a relationship with this person or whatever. It's like more much more whatever. It's like more much more whatever. It's like more much more direct than that is the way that you and direct than that is the way that you and direct than that is the way that you and this person communicate, relate, and this person communicate, relate, and this person communicate, relate, and disagree disagree disagree >> are going to be what your kids think >> are going to be what your kids think >> are going to be what your kids think romance is. That's what they're going to romance is. That's what they're going to romance is. That's what they're going to think a mommy and a daddy do. think a mommy and a daddy do. think a mommy and a daddy do. Absolutely. But not just that, that's Absolutely. But not just that, that's Absolutely. But not just that, that's what their identity is going to be. what their identity is going to be. what their identity is going to be. They're going to associate their They're going to associate their They're going to associate their identity with the identity of whoever identity with the identity of whoever identity with the identity of whoever you choose to have children with. And so you choose to have children with. And so you choose to have children with. And so it's not just a, oh, we would make cute it's not just a, oh, we would make cute it's not just a, oh, we would make cute babies. It is babies. It is babies. It is I mean, what are we teaching them as far I mean, what are we teaching them as far I mean, what are we teaching them as far as what love means and hard work and as what love means and hard work and as what love means and hard work and conflict repair and emotional conflict repair and emotional conflict repair and emotional availability and how to what kind of availability and how to what kind of availability and how to what kind of person to be. I just think that a lot of person to be. I just think that a lot of person to be. I just think that a lot of times people make big decisions and take times people make big decisions and take times people make big decisions and take big risks back in the day. And I think a big risks back in the day. And I think a big risks back in the day. And I think a lot now too based on just the chemistry lot now too based on just the chemistry lot now too based on just the chemistry of it of it of it >> because everything is about we're just a >> because everything is about we're just a >> because everything is about we're just a bunch of addicts at this point. You bunch of addicts at this point. You bunch of addicts at this point. You know, it's all about what feels good and know, it's all about what feels good and know, it's all about what feels good and if it feels good, we'll figure out how if it feels good, we'll figure out how if it feels good, we'll figure out how to deal with it later. to deal with it later. to deal with it later. >> Car batteries. >> Car batteries. >> Car batteries. >> Can we talk about limrance? This is a >> Can we talk about limrance? This is a >> Can we talk about limrance? This is a term that I only learned pretty recently term that I only learned pretty recently term that I only learned pretty recently but is just fascinating. What's lirance? but is just fascinating. What's lirance? but is just fascinating. What's lirance? Limrance is an emotional fixation with a Limrance is an emotional fixation with a Limrance is an emotional fixation with a person that is usually fueled by person that is usually fueled by person that is usually fueled by uncertainty. uncertainty. uncertainty. So it is you know some of the signs of So it is you know some of the signs of So it is you know some of the signs of limrance is a unusual fixation with the limrance is a unusual fixation with the limrance is a unusual fixation with the person, constant ruminating thoughts person, constant ruminating thoughts person, constant ruminating thoughts about the person, extreme highs and lows about the person, extreme highs and lows about the person, extreme highs and lows in your mood regarding this person, in your mood regarding this person, in your mood regarding this person, waiting and craving their validation. waiting and craving their validation. waiting and craving their validation. And this usually happens very early on And this usually happens very early on And this usually happens very early on in dating. So you don't really even know in dating. So you don't really even know in dating. So you don't really even know the person fully, but you just notice a the person fully, but you just notice a the person fully, but you just notice a deep obsession with this person and that deep obsession with this person and that deep obsession with this person and that would qualify as limrance, which we're would qualify as limrance, which we're would qualify as limrance, which we're seeing more and more nowadays. seeing more and more nowadays. seeing more and more nowadays. >> Is there a certain type of person who's >> Is there a certain type of person who's >> Is there a certain type of person who's more vulnerable to limrance? more vulnerable to limrance? more vulnerable to limrance? >> Yes. So several different people. So the >> Yes. So several different people. So the >> Yes. So several different people. So the the first group of people are the people the first group of people are the people the first group of people are the people who have unresolved issues as far as who have unresolved issues as far as who have unresolved issues as far as unresolved wounds. So people with unresolved wounds. So people with unresolved wounds. So people with certain attachment styles are more certain attachment styles are more certain attachment styles are more likely to fall for limrance because likely to fall for limrance because likely to fall for limrance because limrance is oftentimes based on limrance is oftentimes based on limrance is oftentimes based on uncertainty and inconsistency. So if you uncertainty and inconsistency. So if you uncertainty and inconsistency. So if you had a childhood where love was given had a childhood where love was given had a childhood where love was given only uh sometimes and it was only uh sometimes and it was only uh sometimes and it was unpredictable, there was emotional unpredictable, there was emotional unpredictable, there was emotional unavailability there, you're much more unavailability there, you're much more unavailability there, you're much more likely to fall into limrance. If you are likely to fall into limrance. If you are likely to fall into limrance. If you are a highly imaginative person, you're much a highly imaginative person, you're much a highly imaginative person, you're much more likely to fall into limrance more likely to fall into limrance more likely to fall into limrance because you fall for the fantasy of a because you fall for the fantasy of a because you fall for the fantasy of a person and you could imagine what life person and you could imagine what life person and you could imagine what life with them could be like or intimacy with with them could be like or intimacy with with them could be like or intimacy with them would be like. So those types of them would be like. So those types of them would be like. So those types of people as far as um a person who is people as far as um a person who is people as far as um a person who is either emotionally intelligent or highly either emotionally intelligent or highly either emotionally intelligent or highly imaginative, they typically imaginative, they typically imaginative, they typically >> they tend to fall for limrance because >> they tend to fall for limrance because >> they tend to fall for limrance because they build a story around the chemistry they build a story around the chemistry they build a story around the chemistry they feel for a person. um a highly they feel for a person. um a highly they feel for a person. um a highly empathic person because they extend empathic person because they extend empathic person because they extend understanding. I understand why he's not understanding. I understand why he's not understanding. I understand why he's not always available. I understand why he's always available. I understand why he's always available. I understand why he's inconsistent. So, they're much more inconsistent. So, they're much more inconsistent. So, they're much more likely to fall into limrance as well. likely to fall into limrance as well. likely to fall into limrance as well. Large scale surveys found that 64% Large scale surveys found that 64% Large scale surveys found that 64% overall prevalence for liance with 32% overall prevalence for liance with 32% overall prevalence for liance with 32% experiencing it at the level of full experiencing it at the level of full experiencing it at the level of full person addiction far higher than the person addiction far higher than the person addiction far higher than the previously circulated estimate of 5%. previously circulated estimate of 5%. previously circulated estimate of 5%. Anxiously attached people were Anxiously attached people were Anxiously attached people were significantly over represented. An significantly over represented. An significantly over represented. An analysis of two and a half thousand analysis of two and a half thousand analysis of two and a half thousand self-identified lirance found self-identified lirance found self-identified lirance found personality types that were dramatically personality types that were dramatically personality types that were dramatically over represented. Uh highly intuitive over represented. Uh highly intuitive over represented. Uh highly intuitive feeling oriented people were the most feeling oriented people were the most feeling oriented people were the most prone. INFPs, INFJs, INTJs, INTPs, prone. INFPs, INFJs, INTJs, INTPs, prone. INFPs, INFJs, INTJs, INTPs, ENFPs. So it's the intuitive, it's the ENFPs. So it's the intuitive, it's the ENFPs. So it's the intuitive, it's the feel, uh the most common personality feel, uh the most common personality feel, uh the most common personality types. types. types. ESFJ, ESFJ, ESFJ, >> ESTJ, and ISFJ. Those are the most >> ESTJ, and ISFJ. Those are the most >> ESTJ, and ISFJ. Those are the most common ones. Barely represented at all, common ones. Barely represented at all, common ones. Barely represented at all, which is interesting. So, it's out on which is interesting. So, it's out on which is interesting. So, it's out on the tails for the tails for the tails for >> it's introverts. The introverted ones >> it's introverts. The introverted ones >> it's introverts. The introverted ones more likely to eyes more likely because more likely to eyes more likely because more likely to eyes more likely because they're more introspective, more they're more introspective, more they're more introspective, more empathic, oftentimes also more empathic, oftentimes also more empathic, oftentimes also more imaginative. And so same with anxiously imaginative. And so same with anxiously imaginative. And so same with anxiously attached people because anxiously attached people because anxiously attached people because anxiously attached people usually come from attached people usually come from attached people usually come from childhoods where there was lots of childhoods where there was lots of childhoods where there was lots of unpredictability and people who they unpredictability and people who they unpredictability and people who they typically fall into limrance with are typically fall into limrance with are typically fall into limrance with are unavailable people. So there is a unavailable people. So there is a unavailable people. So there is a resemblance to familiar patterns from resemblance to familiar patterns from resemblance to familiar patterns from the childhood. So anxiously attached the childhood. So anxiously attached the childhood. So anxiously attached people, introspective people, people, introspective people, people, introspective people, introverted people, um much more likely introverted people, um much more likely introverted people, um much more likely to fall into full addiction with another to fall into full addiction with another to fall into full addiction with another person. person. person. >> Interesting. I was thinking the other >> Interesting. I was thinking the other >> Interesting. I was thinking the other day about some of the ways that day about some of the ways that day about some of the ways that sort of chaos or unpredictability in the sort of chaos or unpredictability in the sort of chaos or unpredictability in the home might show up that people might not home might show up that people might not home might show up that people might not realize. realize. realize. >> One of them being an unpredictability >> One of them being an unpredictability >> One of them being an unpredictability around praise and what performance and around praise and what performance and around praise and what performance and doing well doing well doing well >> is. >> is. >> is. >> Because every kid just wants mom and dad >> Because every kid just wants mom and dad >> Because every kid just wants mom and dad to say you did a good job. But if you to say you did a good job. But if you to say you did a good job. But if you don't know what the standards are for don't know what the standards are for don't know what the standards are for you to be able to do that, you to be able to do that, you to be able to do that, >> that's a kind of unpredictability that >> that's a kind of unpredictability that >> that's a kind of unpredictability that strikes pretty close to the heart of strikes pretty close to the heart of strikes pretty close to the heart of what a kid cares about. Yeah. The what a kid cares about. Yeah. The what a kid cares about. Yeah. The basement has a trapoor and a slide that basement has a trapoor and a slide that basement has a trapoor and a slide that goes down all the way to neglect and goes down all the way to neglect and goes down all the way to neglect and abuse and stuff like that. But assuming abuse and stuff like that. But assuming abuse and stuff like that. But assuming that that's kind of niche for the reason that that's kind of niche for the reason that that's kind of niche for the reason that it's horrible, that it's horrible, that it's horrible, >> a much more common way that this might >> a much more common way that this might >> a much more common way that this might happen is well, you played a sports game happen is well, you played a sports game happen is well, you played a sports game and you got in the car with mom or dad and you got in the car with mom or dad and you got in the car with mom or dad and you got feedback and you had no idea and you got feedback and you had no idea and you got feedback and you had no idea about why you were a good boy or a bad about why you were a good boy or a bad about why you were a good boy or a bad girl that day. You just didn't know. girl that day. You just didn't know. girl that day. You just didn't know. >> And that's a a type of unpredictability >> And that's a a type of unpredictability >> And that's a a type of unpredictability and chaos, I think, that gets kids who and chaos, I think, that gets kids who and chaos, I think, that gets kids who then become adults to try and work out, then become adults to try and work out, then become adults to try and work out, well, what do I need to do? I just want well, what do I need to do? I just want well, what do I need to do? I just want to feel like I matter, like I belong, to feel like I matter, like I belong, to feel like I matter, like I belong, like I'm good, like things are like I'm good, like things are like I'm good, like things are predictable and stable. It doesn't feel predictable and stable. It doesn't feel predictable and stable. It doesn't feel like that. So, how do I need to just like that. So, how do I need to just like that. So, how do I need to just reconstruct and deconstruct this thing reconstruct and deconstruct this thing reconstruct and deconstruct this thing >> so that I feel safe? >> so that I feel safe? >> so that I feel safe? >> Absolutely. I think that a lot of those >> Absolutely. I think that a lot of those >> Absolutely. I think that a lot of those children, I mean, I write about it in my children, I mean, I write about it in my children, I mean, I write about it in my book, too, because a lot of kids, I book, too, because a lot of kids, I book, too, because a lot of kids, I mean, I find kids fascinating because mean, I find kids fascinating because mean, I find kids fascinating because that's really where a lot of that's really where a lot of that's really where a lot of dysregulation occurs, right? Um, I think dysregulation occurs, right? Um, I think dysregulation occurs, right? Um, I think that a lot of children who had this that a lot of children who had this that a lot of children who had this praise where it's unpredictable when praise where it's unpredictable when praise where it's unpredictable when you're going to be seen, when you're you're going to be seen, when you're you're going to be seen, when you're going to feel valued because belonging going to feel valued because belonging going to feel valued because belonging is the most important thing for children is the most important thing for children is the most important thing for children too. A kid won't stop loving a parent no too. A kid won't stop loving a parent no too. A kid won't stop loving a parent no matter how abusive the parent is. matter how abusive the parent is. matter how abusive the parent is. They'll stop loving themselves, right? They'll stop loving themselves, right? They'll stop loving themselves, right? And so a lot of the times a child will And so a lot of the times a child will And so a lot of the times a child will start turning inward and going, "What start turning inward and going, "What start turning inward and going, "What did I do wrong? How can I be better?" did I do wrong? How can I be better?" did I do wrong? How can I be better?" This creates a hypervigilant nervous This creates a hypervigilant nervous This creates a hypervigilant nervous system which is I'm always alert to make system which is I'm always alert to make system which is I'm always alert to make sure that everybody is pleased with me sure that everybody is pleased with me sure that everybody is pleased with me whatever room I walk into and then they whatever room I walk into and then they whatever room I walk into and then they bring that into dating where it's uh oh bring that into dating where it's uh oh bring that into dating where it's uh oh this person doesn't seem happy with me this person doesn't seem happy with me this person doesn't seem happy with me today what can I do to keep them happy today what can I do to keep them happy today what can I do to keep them happy and so not only is there and so not only is there and so not only is there self-abandonment that's been in the self-abandonment that's been in the self-abandonment that's been in the making for a long time since childhood making for a long time since childhood making for a long time since childhood but now there is this dopamine every but now there is this dopamine every but now there is this dopamine every time this person looks at you response time this person looks at you response time this person looks at you response even if it's days later you are now even if it's days later you are now even if it's days later you are now biochemically addicted to this other biochemically addicted to this other biochemically addicted to this other person because your parents didn't give person because your parents didn't give person because your parents didn't give you the consistency to anchor into your you the consistency to anchor into your you the consistency to anchor into your own identity. own identity. own identity. >> Isn't it strange that this very >> Isn't it strange that this very >> Isn't it strange that this very pro-social, very giving, very pro-social, very giving, very pro-social, very giving, very charitable, very reciprocally charitable, very reciprocally charitable, very reciprocally altruistic, you know, kin selectiony altruistic, you know, kin selectiony altruistic, you know, kin selectiony type thing type thing type thing is self-destructive. You is self-destructive. You is self-destructive. You >> you don't know whether someone is doing >> you don't know whether someone is doing >> you don't know whether someone is doing something that's pro-social and caring something that's pro-social and caring something that's pro-social and caring and charitable because they want to or and charitable because they want to or and charitable because they want to or because they need to. Mhm. because they need to. Mhm. because they need to. Mhm. >> And >> And >> And would it be great if there were more would it be great if there were more would it be great if there were more people being pro-social in the world? people being pro-social in the world? people being pro-social in the world? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> But at what level of self-abandonment is >> But at what level of self-abandonment is >> But at what level of self-abandonment is that going to happen if those people are that going to happen if those people are that going to happen if those people are doing it from a place of desperate doing it from a place of desperate doing it from a place of desperate desire for you to see me because I can't desire for you to see me because I can't desire for you to see me because I can't exist with your displeasure. Even if you exist with your displeasure. Even if you exist with your displeasure. Even if you deserve it. deserve it. deserve it. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Even if you deserve this displeasure, I >> Even if you deserve this displeasure, I >> Even if you deserve this displeasure, I keep on picking up loads that aren't keep on picking up loads that aren't keep on picking up loads that aren't mine to carry mine to carry mine to carry >> and then wondering why my shoulders ache >> and then wondering why my shoulders ache >> and then wondering why my shoulders ache all the time. all the time. all the time. >> Absolutely. I I think that and that's >> Absolutely. I I think that and that's >> Absolutely. I I think that and that's where I as a therapist often times am where I as a therapist often times am where I as a therapist often times am heartbroken for clients like that heartbroken for clients like that heartbroken for clients like that because I know that their kindness comes because I know that their kindness comes because I know that their kindness comes from a wounded place, right? The from a wounded place, right? The from a wounded place, right? The overextending comes from a wounded overextending comes from a wounded overextending comes from a wounded place. The issue is that nobody really place. The issue is that nobody really place. The issue is that nobody really takes the time in everyday life to go, takes the time in everyday life to go, takes the time in everyday life to go, "Oh, this person's so nice. I am curious "Oh, this person's so nice. I am curious "Oh, this person's so nice. I am curious what happened to them that made like how what happened to them that made like how what happened to them that made like how did they suffer deeply that made them did they suffer deeply that made them did they suffer deeply that made them now want to make sure nobody else now want to make sure nobody else now want to make sure nobody else suffers or people just go is they're so suffers or people just go is they're so suffers or people just go is they're so nice whenever I need a nice person I'm nice whenever I need a nice person I'm nice whenever I need a nice person I'm just going to call that person again just going to call that person again just going to call that person again >> yeah because we don't want to talk about >> yeah because we don't want to talk about >> yeah because we don't want to talk about the cost of someone's neness the cost of someone's neness the cost of someone's neness >> I'm benefiting from it seems to be >> I'm benefiting from it seems to be >> I'm benefiting from it seems to be pro-social it seems to be coming from a pro-social it seems to be coming from a pro-social it seems to be coming from a good place and I don't think for the good place and I don't think for the good place and I don't think for the most part I think this is selfdeception most part I think this is selfdeception most part I think this is selfdeception not sort of conscious deception I think not sort of conscious deception I think not sort of conscious deception I think that we're shoving to inside someone's that we're shoving to inside someone's that we're shoving to inside someone's obvious drug addiction obvious drug addiction obvious drug addiction >> because they are a good hang at parties. >> because they are a good hang at parties. >> because they are a good hang at parties. The equivalent here is The equivalent here is The equivalent here is >> he's just great. He's always supportive. >> he's just great. He's always supportive. >> he's just great. He's always supportive. He makes sure that I'm never upset. He makes sure that I'm never upset. He makes sure that I'm never upset. Whenever I need to ring him, he's always Whenever I need to ring him, he's always Whenever I need to ring him, he's always there. You go, there. You go, there. You go, >> we don't know. We don't recognize that >> we don't know. We don't recognize that >> we don't know. We don't recognize that that's coming from a place that could be that's coming from a place that could be that's coming from a place that could be pretty broken. pretty broken. pretty broken. >> And we don't ask. That's the thing. I >> And we don't ask. That's the thing. I >> And we don't ask. That's the thing. I think that if I had to suggest or think that if I had to suggest or think that if I had to suggest or encourage anything, it would be check on encourage anything, it would be check on encourage anything, it would be check on your nice friends. Ask them what they your nice friends. Ask them what they your nice friends. Ask them what they need. Actually, don't even ask. Just do need. Actually, don't even ask. Just do need. Actually, don't even ask. Just do nice things for them. You know, the nice things for them. You know, the nice things for them. You know, the person who always listens, listen to person who always listens, listen to person who always listens, listen to them. The person who always does, do for them. The person who always does, do for them. The person who always does, do for them. The person who always pays, pay them. The person who always pays, pay them. The person who always pays, pay for them. You know, because the thing is for them. You know, because the thing is for them. You know, because the thing is is that we the brain looks for shortcuts is that we the brain looks for shortcuts is that we the brain looks for shortcuts in identification. We want to know that in identification. We want to know that in identification. We want to know that this friend is good at this, this friend this friend is good at this, this friend this friend is good at this, this friend is good at this. Because the brain can't is good at this. Because the brain can't is good at this. Because the brain can't go, sometimes they're good at it, go, sometimes they're good at it, go, sometimes they're good at it, sometimes they're not. We want sometimes they're not. We want sometimes they're not. We want certainty. So if the friend is always certainty. So if the friend is always certainty. So if the friend is always nice, we're like, they're the nice nice, we're like, they're the nice nice, we're like, they're the nice friend. We don't need to change it, friend. We don't need to change it, friend. We don't need to change it, right? Because if we change that, now we right? Because if we change that, now we right? Because if we change that, now we got to change something about ourselves got to change something about ourselves got to change something about ourselves and that's just too disregulating. And and that's just too disregulating. And and that's just too disregulating. And so we want people to play certain roles so we want people to play certain roles so we want people to play certain roles in our lives and that in our lives and that in our lives and that causes self-abandonment in and of itself causes self-abandonment in and of itself causes self-abandonment in and of itself because now I know that I have to always because now I know that I have to always because now I know that I have to always show up as the therapist. You have to show up as the therapist. You have to show up as the therapist. You have to show up as all the things that you show show up as all the things that you show show up as all the things that you show up as, right? And so it doesn't allow up as, right? And so it doesn't allow up as, right? And so it doesn't allow for flexibility to be all that we are. for flexibility to be all that we are. for flexibility to be all that we are. Sometimes I don't want to listen. Sometimes I don't want to listen. Sometimes I don't want to listen. Sometimes I want to be heard. And so I Sometimes I want to be heard. And so I Sometimes I want to be heard. And so I just think that we need to give people just think that we need to give people just think that we need to give people more of that space more of that space more of that space to be all of who they are instead of to be all of who they are instead of to be all of who they are instead of just relying on them to remain the same just relying on them to remain the same just relying on them to remain the same person that we may or may not have person that we may or may not have person that we may or may not have benefited from. benefited from. benefited from. >> One of my friends wrote a tweet that I >> One of my friends wrote a tweet that I >> One of my friends wrote a tweet that I did a little essay about that I want to did a little essay about that I want to did a little essay about that I want to tell you about. You are a different tell you about. You are a different tell you about. You are a different character in the mind of each person who character in the mind of each person who character in the mind of each person who knows you because their impression of knows you because their impression of knows you because their impression of you is made of the bare bones of what you is made of the bare bones of what you is made of the bare bones of what they've seen fleshed out by their they've seen fleshed out by their they've seen fleshed out by their knowledge of themselves. So I've got knowledge of themselves. So I've got knowledge of themselves. So I've got this idea of the lonely chapter which is this idea of the lonely chapter which is this idea of the lonely chapter which is when you're so developed that you don't when you're so developed that you don't when you're so developed that you don't resonate with your old set of friends resonate with your old set of friends resonate with your old set of friends but you're not yet sufficiently but you're not yet sufficiently but you're not yet sufficiently developed that you've got a new one. But developed that you've got a new one. But developed that you've got a new one. But the lonely chapter has another the lonely chapter has another the lonely chapter has another perspective to it as well, which is as perspective to it as well, which is as perspective to it as well, which is as you grow, you don't fit in with your you grow, you don't fit in with your you grow, you don't fit in with your friends, but this means that they don't friends, but this means that they don't friends, but this means that they don't fit in with you either. And this causes fit in with you either. And this causes fit in with you either. And this causes a reaction from their side. So the a reaction from their side. So the a reaction from their side. So the hardest part of changing yourself isn't hardest part of changing yourself isn't hardest part of changing yourself isn't just improving your habits. It's just improving your habits. It's just improving your habits. It's escaping the people who keep handing you escaping the people who keep handing you escaping the people who keep handing you your old costume. And others don't your old costume. And others don't your old costume. And others don't remember who you were, they enforce it. remember who you were, they enforce it. remember who you were, they enforce it. Which is why reinvention so often feels Which is why reinvention so often feels Which is why reinvention so often feels like trying to break out of a prison like trying to break out of a prison like trying to break out of a prison that you can't unsee. that you can't unsee. that you can't unsee. >> I love that. Yeah, I >> I love that. Yeah, I >> I love that. Yeah, I >> I do want to read that if you could >> I do want to read that if you could >> I do want to read that if you could wherever we could find it. wherever we could find it. wherever we could find it. >> I certainly can. >> I certainly can. >> I certainly can. >> Um, but I agree. I mean, even when I >> Um, but I agree. I mean, even when I >> Um, but I agree. I mean, even when I worked in a recovery center, a treatment worked in a recovery center, a treatment worked in a recovery center, a treatment center, it would go as far as the center, it would go as far as the center, it would go as far as the extremes of a parents bringing their extremes of a parents bringing their extremes of a parents bringing their addicted child to treatment, addicted child to treatment, addicted child to treatment, and they've been used to this child and they've been used to this child and they've been used to this child relapsing for years, and they've always relapsing for years, and they've always relapsing for years, and they've always been the identified patient. Now, this been the identified patient. Now, this been the identified patient. Now, this adult is in treatment, recovering, goes adult is in treatment, recovering, goes adult is in treatment, recovering, goes back home, doesn't drink anymore, and back home, doesn't drink anymore, and back home, doesn't drink anymore, and they don't like that person who's sober. they don't like that person who's sober. they don't like that person who's sober. They're used to him when he was drunk. They're used to him when he was drunk. They're used to him when he was drunk. And so, what do they do at the first And so, what do they do at the first And so, what do they do at the first party they have? They hand them a drink party they have? They hand them a drink party they have? They hand them a drink and they're the people who make them and they're the people who make them and they're the people who make them relapse because they're used to the old relapse because they're used to the old relapse because they're used to the old person kind of like you said, they give person kind of like you said, they give person kind of like you said, they give you their old costume back because it's you their old costume back because it's you their old costume back because it's easier for you to be who you once were easier for you to be who you once were easier for you to be who you once were to us because our identity is built on to us because our identity is built on to us because our identity is built on that identity. And so I just think that that identity. And so I just think that that identity. And so I just think that we're not flexible enough in our minds, we're not flexible enough in our minds, we're not flexible enough in our minds, in our identities, in our feelings in in our identities, in our feelings in in our identities, in our feelings in order to really kind of sustain things order to really kind of sustain things order to really kind of sustain things that will give us the safety and the that will give us the safety and the that will give us the safety and the space to be who we truly are. space to be who we truly are. space to be who we truly are. >> Why do you say that the wrong people are >> Why do you say that the wrong people are >> Why do you say that the wrong people are the hardest to get over? the hardest to get over? the hardest to get over? >> Because they're the most addicting. And >> Because they're the most addicting. And >> Because they're the most addicting. And the reason why is not because they're so the reason why is not because they're so the reason why is not because they're so great. It's because the wrong people great. It's because the wrong people great. It's because the wrong people often times are the emotionally often times are the emotionally often times are the emotionally unavailable people. the people who do unavailable people. the people who do unavailable people. the people who do not have the capacity to sustain not have the capacity to sustain not have the capacity to sustain something substantial with you. So something substantial with you. So something substantial with you. So whenever there's uncertainty and whenever there's uncertainty and whenever there's uncertainty and unpredictability, there's dopamine unpredictability, there's dopamine unpredictability, there's dopamine spikes which is highly addicting. spikes which is highly addicting. spikes which is highly addicting. There's also cortisol spikes which is There's also cortisol spikes which is There's also cortisol spikes which is highly stressful. And then there is highly stressful. And then there is highly stressful. And then there is nervous system dysregulation because the nervous system dysregulation because the nervous system dysregulation because the nervous system is designed for nervous system is designed for nervous system is designed for certainty. So, the wrong person triggers certainty. So, the wrong person triggers certainty. So, the wrong person triggers uncertainty in you. And all your brain uncertainty in you. And all your brain uncertainty in you. And all your brain and your nervous system wants to do is and your nervous system wants to do is and your nervous system wants to do is focus in on this person to get clarity. focus in on this person to get clarity. focus in on this person to get clarity. And so, you're really chasing clarity. And so, you're really chasing clarity. And so, you're really chasing clarity. But you're now refraraming it as I must But you're now refraraming it as I must But you're now refraraming it as I must really love this person. And I can't get really love this person. And I can't get really love this person. And I can't get over I can't stop thinking about them. over I can't stop thinking about them. over I can't stop thinking about them. So, I'm wondering if they were my person So, I'm wondering if they were my person So, I'm wondering if they were my person all along. No, that's just your nervous all along. No, that's just your nervous all along. No, that's just your nervous system trying to regulate itself. That's system trying to regulate itself. That's system trying to regulate itself. That's why it's obsessed. Yes. after the why it's obsessed. Yes. after the why it's obsessed. Yes. after the breakup because your nervous system is breakup because your nervous system is breakup because your nervous system is saying, "I felt this intense high with saying, "I felt this intense high with saying, "I felt this intense high with this person that I haven't felt with this person that I haven't felt with this person that I haven't felt with anybody else since. There must be anybody else since. There must be anybody else since. There must be something meaningful there, and I am not something meaningful there, and I am not something meaningful there, and I am not ready to let this go." Also, whenever ready to let this go." Also, whenever ready to let this go." Also, whenever there's uncertainty, there's all these there's uncertainty, there's all these there's uncertainty, there's all these gaps of clarity, which makes gaps of clarity, which makes gaps of clarity, which makes projecting a fantasy much easier. You projecting a fantasy much easier. You projecting a fantasy much easier. You could paint anything on a blank canvas. could paint anything on a blank canvas. could paint anything on a blank canvas. So if someone just gives you limited So if someone just gives you limited So if someone just gives you limited pieces of themselves, you're like, "H, pieces of themselves, you're like, "H, pieces of themselves, you're like, "H, he told me he likes me, but I also think he told me he likes me, but I also think he told me he likes me, but I also think that what he really likes is this, this, that what he really likes is this, this, that what he really likes is this, this, this, and this." He never said that. But this, and this." He never said that. But this, and this." He never said that. But because he didn't give you enough, now because he didn't give you enough, now because he didn't give you enough, now your brain is going to fill in the gaps your brain is going to fill in the gaps your brain is going to fill in the gaps with a fantasy that works for you. And with a fantasy that works for you. And with a fantasy that works for you. And if we have to choose fantasy or reality, if we have to choose fantasy or reality, if we have to choose fantasy or reality, we're much more likely to want to hold we're much more likely to want to hold we're much more likely to want to hold on to a fantasy and not be able to get on to a fantasy and not be able to get on to a fantasy and not be able to get over a fantasy than a reality. over a fantasy than a reality. over a fantasy than a reality. >> That is so good. What do you say to >> That is so good. What do you say to >> That is so good. What do you say to people who feel like they're regularly a people who feel like they're regularly a people who feel like they're regularly a bad picker? bad picker? bad picker? >> I tell them not to be so hard on >> I tell them not to be so hard on >> I tell them not to be so hard on themselves because I think it goes back themselves because I think it goes back themselves because I think it goes back to the self-lame, right? Like it's not to the self-lame, right? Like it's not to the self-lame, right? Like it's not that, you know, we like to say our that, you know, we like to say our that, you know, we like to say our picker is broken, but I don't think that picker is broken, but I don't think that picker is broken, but I don't think that our picker is necessarily broken. I just our picker is necessarily broken. I just our picker is necessarily broken. I just think that our nervous system has is think that our nervous system has is think that our nervous system has is starting from a disregulated baseline. starting from a disregulated baseline. starting from a disregulated baseline. And that's because modern day And that's because modern day And that's because modern day has conditioned a baseline has conditioned a baseline has conditioned a baseline that is determined by dysregulation. that is determined by dysregulation. that is determined by dysregulation. There's so much uncertainty and there's There's so much uncertainty and there's There's so much uncertainty and there's not enough clarity. And so what we're not enough clarity. And so what we're not enough clarity. And so what we're picking is probably going to be picking is probably going to be picking is probably going to be uncertainty. uncertainty. uncertainty. We're probably going to pick based on We're probably going to pick based on We're probably going to pick based on intensity and chemistry. And so I think intensity and chemistry. And so I think intensity and chemistry. And so I think that the people who feel like they have that the people who feel like they have that the people who feel like they have a history of misaligned relationships, I a history of misaligned relationships, I a history of misaligned relationships, I would say take a pause, do some would say take a pause, do some would say take a pause, do some self-reflection. self-reflection. self-reflection. Therapy is always helpful. I'm always Therapy is always helpful. I'm always Therapy is always helpful. I'm always pro therapy. Um, and really kind of just pro therapy. Um, and really kind of just pro therapy. Um, and really kind of just learn what your patterns are, and learn what your patterns are, and learn what your patterns are, and find out what your standards are. find out what your standards are. find out what your standards are. Because usually bad people who are bad Because usually bad people who are bad Because usually bad people who are bad picks or emotionally unavailable, they picks or emotionally unavailable, they picks or emotionally unavailable, they usually overstep boundaries. they usually overstep boundaries. they usually overstep boundaries. they usually disrespect the person and we usually disrespect the person and we usually disrespect the person and we just kind of let it go. So realign with just kind of let it go. So realign with just kind of let it go. So realign with yourself and what your standards and yourself and what your standards and yourself and what your standards and your boundaries are and you'll start your boundaries are and you'll start your boundaries are and you'll start picking better people. picking better people. picking better people. >> What about when it comes time to hold a >> What about when it comes time to hold a >> What about when it comes time to hold a boundary as someone who is boundary as someone who is boundary as someone who is emotionally available, empathetic, sees emotionally available, empathetic, sees emotionally available, empathetic, sees the best in others? Mhm. the best in others? Mhm. the best in others? Mhm. >> And the >> And the >> And the the fear, the who am I to is this me the fear, the who am I to is this me the fear, the who am I to is this me being too demanding? My needs usually being too demanding? My needs usually being too demanding? My needs usually don't matter. don't matter. don't matter. >> How do you advise someone in that >> How do you advise someone in that >> How do you advise someone in that moment? Boundary needs enforcing. moment? Boundary needs enforcing. moment? Boundary needs enforcing. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Not passive aggressively 3 days later, >> Not passive aggressively 3 days later, >> Not passive aggressively 3 days later, >> not resentfully, but after the dinner is >> not resentfully, but after the dinner is >> not resentfully, but after the dinner is finished. finished. finished. >> How do you advise someone in that moment >> How do you advise someone in that moment >> How do you advise someone in that moment to become more comfortable? to become more comfortable? to become more comfortable? >> Great question. Because often times >> Great question. Because often times >> Great question. Because often times people have a hard time setting people have a hard time setting people have a hard time setting boundaries because of fear of boundaries because of fear of boundaries because of fear of abandonment, right? which is pretty abandonment, right? which is pretty abandonment, right? which is pretty normal. normal. normal. >> It's a tactical problem. We're talking >> It's a tactical problem. We're talking >> It's a tactical problem. We're talking we can throw py apherisms around all we can throw py apherisms around all we can throw py apherisms around all day, but ultimately this is going to day, but ultimately this is going to day, but ultimately this is going to come into conflict with your nervous come into conflict with your nervous come into conflict with your nervous system. system. system. >> How does someone get better at being the >> How does someone get better at being the >> How does someone get better at being the bad guy? bad guy? bad guy? >> You reframe it and say, "My boundaries >> You reframe it and say, "My boundaries >> You reframe it and say, "My boundaries are not going to push them away. My are not going to push them away. My are not going to push them away. My boundaries are going to keep the good boundaries are going to keep the good boundaries are going to keep the good person and it's going to protect the person and it's going to protect the person and it's going to protect the relationship." Because boundaries are relationship." Because boundaries are relationship." Because boundaries are not pushing good relationships out. not pushing good relationships out. not pushing good relationships out. They're just protecting good They're just protecting good They're just protecting good relationships. So speaking up and relationships. So speaking up and relationships. So speaking up and saying, "Hey Chris, you did this one saying, "Hey Chris, you did this one saying, "Hey Chris, you did this one thing and it hurt my feelings and I thing and it hurt my feelings and I thing and it hurt my feelings and I would like for us not to do that." would like for us not to do that." would like for us not to do that." That's me saying if you want to stay in That's me saying if you want to stay in That's me saying if you want to stay in a relationship with me and if I want to a relationship with me and if I want to a relationship with me and if I want to protect this relationship between us, I protect this relationship between us, I protect this relationship between us, I have to say this. That's my advocacy for have to say this. That's my advocacy for have to say this. That's my advocacy for what we have. what we have. what we have. >> But most people see a boundary as I'm >> But most people see a boundary as I'm >> But most people see a boundary as I'm going to hurt their feelings and they going to hurt their feelings and they going to hurt their feelings and they might then reject me and they don't might then reject me and they don't might then reject me and they don't really consider. But the relationship really consider. But the relationship really consider. But the relationship has its own needs. And if you don't has its own needs. And if you don't has its own needs. And if you don't speak up and you don't say what that speak up and you don't say what that speak up and you don't say what that boundary is, you are abandoning that boundary is, you are abandoning that boundary is, you are abandoning that relationship and its needs. relationship and its needs. relationship and its needs. >> So good. Mercedes Kaufman, ladies and >> So good. Mercedes Kaufman, ladies and >> So good. Mercedes Kaufman, ladies and gentlemen, you rule. gentlemen, you rule. gentlemen, you rule. >> Thank you. >> Thank you. >> Thank you. >> Everyone should go and check out your >> Everyone should go and check out your >> Everyone should go and check out your Instagram. I love it. I think the stuff Instagram. I love it. I think the stuff Instagram. I love it. I think the stuff that you put out is fantastic. Where that you put out is fantastic. Where that you put out is fantastic. Where else do you want people to go? else do you want people to go? else do you want people to go? >> Instagram is good. Mercedes Kaufman >> Instagram is good. Mercedes Kaufman >> Instagram is good. Mercedes Kaufman therapy. And then they they could also therapy. And then they they could also therapy. And then they they could also go to my website, which is on my go to my website, which is on my go to my website, which is on my Instagram. Instagram. Instagram. >> Heck yeah, Mercedes. I appreciate you. >> Heck yeah, Mercedes. I appreciate you. >> Heck yeah, Mercedes. I appreciate you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. >> Thank you. Thank you, Chris. It was an >> Thank you. Thank you, Chris. It was an >> Thank you. Thank you, Chris. It was an honor. honor. honor. >> All right. Goodbye people. >> All right. Goodbye people. >> All right. Goodbye people. >> Bye people. This is fun. >> Bye people. This is fun. >> Bye people. This is fun. >> You nailed it. That was >> You nailed it. That was >> You nailed it. That was >> Thank you. >> Thank you. >> Thank you. >> epic. >> epic. >> epic. >> Thank you very much for tuning in. If >> Thank you very much for tuning in. If >> Thank you very much for tuning in. If you enjoyed that episode, another one you enjoyed that episode, another one you enjoyed that episode, another one that I know you love is just here.