Why Nobody is Having Sex Anymore (& why it matters) - Dr Debra Soh
The modern 'sex recession' isn't just about declining intimacy—it's a symptom of deeper societal shifts affecting how men and women connect. One in three men aged 18-24 report no sexual activity in the past year, while weekly sex among adults has dropped from 55% (1990) to 37% today. The most action
2h 6mKey Takeaway
The modern 'sex recession' isn't just about declining intimacy—it's a symptom of deeper societal shifts affecting how men and women connect. One in three men aged 18-24 report no sexual activity in the past year, while weekly sex among adults has dropped from 55% (1990) to 37% today. The most actionable insight: If you're in a relationship and your partner is on hormonal birth control, have them come off it well before major commitments like moving in together or engagement. Mate preferences can shift significantly when coming off the pill, and it's better to discover compatibility issues early rather than after you've built a life together.
Episode Overview
This conversation explores the modern 'sex recession'—a documented decline in sexual activity across all demographics over the past 30 years, with the steepest drops among young people. The discussion covers multiple contributing factors: the rise of digital alternatives (pornography, AI companions, OnlyFans), socioeconomic shifts creating a 'tall girl problem' where educated women struggle to find partners who meet hypergamous preferences, the impact of hormonal birth control on mate selection, declining mental health (especially anxiety among Gen Z), and the broader effects of social media and dating apps on human connection. The conversation also examines how modern sexual dynamics are reshaping relationships, with particular focus on how women's educational and economic advancement has created a smaller pool of 'eligible' men, leading to increased competition and frustration for both sexes.
Key Insights
The Sex Recession is Real and Widespread
Multiple data sources consistently show that one in three men and one in five women aged 18-24 have had no sexual activity in the past year—double the rate from 2010. This decline affects all demographics regardless of relationship status, age, or geography across developed countries. Notably, this includes not just partnered sex but also solo masturbation, indicating a broader withdrawal from sexual activity rather than just a shift in outlets.
The Tall Girl Problem: Economic Success Creates Dating Challenges
As women increasingly outperform men educationally and economically (earning $1,500 more per year up to age 30), hypergamy creates a paradox. High-achieving women have a shrinking pool of men who are 'above and across' from them socioeconomically, while the small group of ultra-successful men have abundant options and less incentive to commit. This creates a large cohort of women who 'did everything right' but struggle to find compatible partners, and a large cohort of invisible men who fall below women's mate selection threshold.
Hormonal Birth Control Fundamentally Alters Mate Selection
The pill halts ovulation, which naturally blunts sexual interest and changes mate preferences. Women on the pill tend to prioritize different traits in partners compared to their natural cycle. The critical issue: many women get on the pill as teenagers and stay on it through their 20s, only coming off when ready for children—often after marriage. This means they may have chosen a partner under artificial hormonal conditions that don't reflect their true preferences, leading to reduced attraction when they finally come off the pill.
Mental Health is a Major Sexual Barrier
Half of Gen Z has a diagnosed mental disorder, with 90% experiencing anxiety. Depression and anxiety directly suppress sexual desire and social motivation. When you're anxious and depressed, the last thing you want to do is face potential rejection, be entertaining on dates, or deal with the social complexities of dating. This creates a vicious cycle where poor mental health reduces dating activity, which increases isolation and loneliness, further worsening mental health.
The Three Sixes Rule Reflects Unrealistic Standards
Modern dating culture has created the '3 sixes rule'—women seeking men who are 6 feet tall, earn 6 figures, and have a 6-inch penis. However, none of these metrics actually correlate with relationship success or marriage satisfaction. When you factor in chemistry, compatibility, shared values, and basic kindness, the pool of suitable partners meeting these arbitrary criteria becomes vanishingly small. Both sexes have developed unrealistic expectations influenced by social media and dating apps.
Notable Quotes
"It is a big deal. Well, ask anyone who's not having sex if it's a big deal. I think they'll tell you. Yeah, it is a problem, especially considering that it is young men who are typically in their prime and at the peak of their sexual drive."
"One in three men and one in five women have not had sex in the past 12 months, which is a large number of people."
"Survey of Gen Z found 67% would prioritize a good night's sleep over sex."
"If you're anxious and depressed your last thing you're going to want to do is go out and meet people, sit down, have a date, potentially face rejection, have to be entertaining."
"There is a difference between what you can get on rent and what you can buy."
Action Items
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1
Come Off Birth Control Before Major Relationship Commitments
If you're a woman on hormonal birth control and considering moving in with a partner, getting engaged, or making major relationship commitments, come off the pill first (using alternative protection methods). This allows you to assess whether your attraction and compatibility remain consistent with your natural hormonal state, rather than discovering incompatibility after you've already built a life together. This timing is critical because the first time many women come off the pill is when trying for children—far too late to reassess relationship compatibility.
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2
Prioritize Mental Health to Improve Dating Prospects
Given that half of Gen Z has diagnosed mental health issues (90% anxiety), actively addressing depression and anxiety through therapy, medication, exercise, or other interventions will dramatically improve your ability and motivation to date. Poor mental health creates a vicious cycle: it reduces social motivation and dating activity, which increases isolation, which worsens mental health. Breaking this cycle requires treating the underlying mental health issues first.
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3
Reassess Dating Standards Based on What Actually Predicts Relationship Success
Move beyond superficial metrics like the 'three sixes rule' (height, income, size) which don't correlate with relationship satisfaction. Instead, prioritize compatibility factors that actually matter: shared values, emotional intelligence, kindness, chemistry, conversational compatibility, and whether the person treats you well. These qualities are far better predictors of long-term relationship success than arbitrary physical or financial benchmarks.
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4
Recognize and Address the Opportunity Cost of Digital Sexual Outlets
Be aware that pornography, AI companions, and other solo sexual outlets may be easier than pursuing real relationships, but they come with hidden costs. These technologies are designed to be more convenient and less challenging than real intimacy, but they don't provide the emotional connection, community, and deeper fulfillment that comes from actual relationships. If you're relying heavily on these outlets, consciously consider what you might be missing by avoiding the harder work of real connection.