Why “No Regrets” Is Bad Advice | The Happiness Lab Podcast
Stop trying to live a #noregrets life. Research shows regret is one of our most common emotions, and embracing it makes us happier. The key is using regret as data: treat yourself with self-compassion, identify whether it's an action you can undo or an inaction you can still do, and extract the less
30mKey Takeaway
Stop trying to live a #noregrets life. Research shows regret is one of our most common emotions, and embracing it makes us happier. The key is using regret as data: treat yourself with self-compassion, identify whether it's an action you can undo or an inaction you can still do, and extract the lesson. Replace "I should have" with "What if I do this differently next time?" Your regrets reveal who you ideally want to be—use that pain as fuel to live more authentically today.
Episode Overview
Dr. Laurie Santos challenges the popular #noregrets philosophy, arguing that embracing regret is essential for happiness and growth. Through conversations with author Daniel Pink and illustrator Liz Fosslien, the episode explores how regret—though painful—serves as a powerful signal about our values and ideal selves, helping us make better decisions and live more authentically.
Key Insights
Regret Requires Impressive Cognitive Abilities
Experiencing regret involves complex mental processes: accepting blame for our choices, mentally time-traveling to the past, engaging in 'fabulism' by imagining different decisions, and conducting counterfactual thinking to envision alternate timelines. This sophisticated cognitive machinery exists because regret serves an adaptive evolutionary function—it helps us learn and improve.
Upward Counterfactuals Dominate Our Thinking
We engage in two types of counterfactual thinking: downward ('at least it wasn't worse') and upward ('if only it had been better'). Research shows upward counterfactuals—which make us feel worse—beat out the more comforting downward ones over 80% of the time. This negativity bias exists because the discomfort drives behavioral change and learning.
Ideal Self vs. Ought Self Determines Long-Term Regret
We compare ourselves to two counterfactual selves: the 'ideal self' (our authentic hopes and dreams) and the 'ought self' (duties and external expectations). Research by Tory Higgins shows that while disappointing either feels bad short-term, our deepest, most lasting regrets come from failing to live up to our ideal self. Palliative nurse Bronnie Ware's work with dying patients confirms this—their top regrets all involve ignoring their ideal self.
Inaction Regrets Hurt More Than Action Regrets
Daniel Pink's World Regret Survey reveals a critical distinction: action regrets (things we did) can often be undone through apology and amends, while inaction regrets (things we didn't do) haunt us longer. The solution is clear—if you're wondering whether to reach out to someone or take an action aligned with your ideal self, the answer is almost always yes. As Daniel says, 'being at that juncture has answered the question.'
Self-Compassion and Disclosure Transform Regret
The path to leveraging regret involves treating yourself with kindness rather than contempt, recognizing mistakes as part of the human condition, and sharing regrets either with confidants or in writing. Studies show that talking about regrets for 15 minutes daily for four weeks increases life satisfaction and mental well-being by making regrets concrete and less fearsome while beginning the sense-making process.
Notable Quotes
"I think the interesting thing here as we try to sort out the puzzle is, you know, why would we do that? Why would we be prone to do something that makes us feel worse? And so, there must be something about this that confers a benefit. There must be something about this that is adaptive."
"I'm all for positivity, all right? I'm all for positive emotions, but here's the thing. I don't want to have only positive emotions because negative emotions serve a function. I think that no regrets, the philosophy of no regrets that you should never look backward, you should always look forward, never be negative, always be positive is a profoundly bad idea. I think it is an unhealthy recipe for living."
"Remembering how painful it was, it wasn't just regret, it was pain, it was shame, it was guilt, it was all these sort of really, really thorny, difficult feelings that were welling inside me. But that really, really clarified the decisions I wanted to make going forward."
"If you are at a juncture where you're wondering, 'Should I reach out or should I not reach out?' To my mind, being at that juncture has answered the question. Always reach out. And I think it's very clear when we look prospectively that if you don't reach out, you're going to regret it. And I have too many stories of people who didn't reach out and then it was too late because somebody passed away."
"One of the most important things you can do when you screw up is treat yourself with self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness rather than contempt. Recognize that your mistakes are part of the human condition."
Action Items
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1
Categorize Your Regret: Action or Inaction
Identify whether your regret stems from something you did (action) or didn't do (inaction). For action regrets, work to undo the damage: apologize, make amends, and atone where possible. For inaction regrets, take action now—reach out to that person, pursue that dream, or make that choice your ideal self wants. Remember: the best time was 20 years ago, but the second-best time is now.
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2
Replace 'Should Have' with 'What If'
When processing regret, shift your language from 'I should have done X' to 'What if I do X differently next time?' This simple phrasing change gives yourself grace while redirecting focus toward future learning and action rather than dwelling on unchangeable past mistakes.
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3
Practice the 15-Minute Regret Disclosure
Spend 15 minutes daily talking about your regrets—either to a trusted confidant or by recording yourself or writing in a journal. Research shows that after four weeks of this practice, people report higher life satisfaction and better mental well-being. This makes regrets concrete, less fearsome, and begins the sense-making process.
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4
Use Regret to Clarify Your Ideal Self
When you feel regret, ask yourself: 'What does this tell me about the person I ideally want to be?' Use the pain as data about your values. Then extract a specific lesson and create a behavioral plan: 'What did I learn from this, and how do I apply it going forward?' Your regrets are your ideal self trying to guide you—listen to them.