The Uncomfortable Truth About Life Most People Learn Too Late | Maya Shankar
When unexpected change happens, it reveals beliefs we've never questioned—often formed in childhood and built on faulty foundations. The key to navigating change isn't just enduring it, but using it as revelation to examine these hidden beliefs. Ask yourself: "Who would I be without this belief?" Li
1h 47mKey Takeaway
When unexpected change happens, it reveals beliefs we've never questioned—often formed in childhood and built on faulty foundations. The key to navigating change isn't just enduring it, but using it as revelation to examine these hidden beliefs. Ask yourself: "Who would I be without this belief?" Like removing a block from Jenga, you may find your foundation stays sturdy while you feel remarkably freer.
Episode Overview
Maya Shankar, cognitive scientist and host of 'A Slight Change of Plans,' discusses how unexpected change can serve as a powerful catalyst for personal transformation. Drawing from her research and book 'The Other Side of Change,' she explores why we struggle with uncertainty, how change reveals hidden beliefs formed in childhood, and practical strategies for reframing our relationship with unwanted changes. Through personal stories—including her fertility journey and others' experiences with amnesia, loss, and life disruptions—she demonstrates that while we can't control what happens to us, we can fundamentally shift how we interpret and grow from these experiences.
Key Insights
Uncertainty Is More Stressful Than Certainty—Even Negative Certainty
Research shows we're more stressed by a 50% chance of getting an electric shock than a 100% chance. Our brains aren't wired to handle uncertainty well. This explains why unexpected change feels so destabilizing—it strips away our ability to know how the story ends, triggering anxiety and rumination even when the outcome might be positive.
The End of History Illusion Limits Our View of Change
While we fully appreciate how much we've changed in the past, we strangely believe we've reached a 'finished product' and won't change much in the future. This cognitive bias prevents us from realizing that the person who emerges on the other side of change will be different—and potentially better equipped—than who we are today.
Change Serves as Revelation, Not Just Disruption
The word 'apocalypse' comes from the Greek 'apocalypsis,' meaning revelation. When negative change happens, it doesn't just upend us—it reveals beliefs, capabilities, and perspectives previously hidden from view. These revelations often expose self-limiting beliefs formed in childhood that we've never questioned but that don't reflect reality.
Most Beliefs Were Formed Before Our Brains Fully Developed
Many of our beliefs were absorbed in childhood from caregivers, teachers, peers, or media—before our brains were fully developed and without rational interrogation. These beliefs may be self-limiting or based on faulty information, but because they're tied to our sense of love and belonging, it feels too painful to dismantle them until change forces us to.
Who We Become Through Change Differs From Who We Were
When facing daunting change, we often think 'I don't have the skills or abilities to navigate this.' But we fail to appreciate that we will be changing as a result of the experience. The person who emerges will have new capabilities, perspectives, and strengths that the current version of us cannot yet imagine.
Tolerance for Uncertainty Is a Trainable Muscle
People who are more open-minded and don't seek cognitive closure (clear, definitive answers) navigate change better. But regardless of natural disposition, everyone can build their tolerance for uncertainty through practice and intentional perspective shifts, becoming more resilient in the face of change.
Removing a Belief Can Make You Feel Lighter, Not Less Sturdy
Using the Jenga metaphor: removing a self-limiting belief (like shame about family heritage) can feel like pulling out a block—but the structure stays fully sturdy. In fact, you may feel freer. This invites us to question: What beliefs about ourselves, our families, or the world might we be carrying that we could liberate ourselves from?
Our Relationship to Past Events Is an Ongoing Dialogue
The meaning we assign to events in our lives is not fixed in stone. Over time, we can fundamentally reinterpret experiences—even tragic ones like death—finding new symbolism and meaning. The event doesn't change, but our emotional relationship to it and the story we tell about it can transform dramatically.
Notable Quotes
"We are more stressed when we're told we have a 50% chance of getting an electric shock than when we're told we have a 100% chance of getting that shock. We'd rather be certain that a negative thing is going to happen than to have to grapple with any ambiguity or uncertainty."
"We strangely view the present as a watershed moment in which we have become the person we will be for the rest of our lives."
"When a big change happens to us, it also leads to lasting change within us. And this is something that most people forget."
"Apocalypse actually comes from the Greek word apocalypsis. And interestingly, that word means revelation. Yes, change can upend us, but it can also reveal things to us that were previously hidden from view."
"Ingred uses this beautiful metaphor. She says, imagine having a game of Jenga, right? And that shame is just one block. And Ingred learns that she can actually pull out that block and the apparatus is still fully sturdy. It's still standing, but she actually feels freer."
"It's not like there's a switch in my brain that I could just flip on that would suddenly make me feel more peaceful or more hopeful or more enlightened or more filled with a sense of possibility about what the future might hold."
"Our relationship to the events in our lives is an ongoing dialogue. It's an ongoing discussion. It is not fixed in stone."
Action Items
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1
Question Your Childhood Beliefs
Identify beliefs you hold about yourself, your family, or the world that were formed in childhood. Ask: 'Where did this belief come from? Is it based on accurate information? Who would I be without this belief?' Consider whether these beliefs are self-limiting or no longer serve you.
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2
Practice the Jenga Exercise
When facing change, identify one limiting belief it's revealing. Imagine that belief as a single block in a Jenga tower representing your identity. Mentally 'remove' that block and notice if your core self remains intact. Often, removing the belief makes you feel lighter while your foundation stays sturdy.
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3
Cultivate Flexibility of Thinking in Daily Life
When unexpected minor changes occur (schedule changes, plans falling through), intentionally ask: 'What opportunities does this create that wouldn't exist otherwise?' Train yourself to see multiple interpretations of situations, building the muscle for bigger changes.
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4
Reframe Your Relationship with Past Changes
Choose a past change you struggled with. Write down how you initially interpreted it, then consciously explore alternative interpretations. Ask: 'What did this change reveal about me? What strengths did I discover? How did I grow?' Your relationship to the event can evolve even when the event itself cannot change.