The Skill No One Teaches Us About Love | Baya Voce & Dr. Mark Hyman

We're taught how to fall in love, but We're taught how to fall in love, but not how to stay there. not how to stay there. not how to stay there. >> We've grown up on a diet of Hollywood >> We've grown up on a diet of Hollywood >> We've grown up on a diet of Hollywood romcoms and Disney. So, you see kind of romcoms and Disney. So, you see kind of romcoms and Disney. So, you see kind of hashtag couple goals online, and it just hashtag couple goals online, and it just hashtag couple goals online, and it just doesn't map on to your internal doesn't map on to your internal doesn't map on to your internal experience. We think that relationships experience. We think that relationships experience. We think that relationships should be going to the spa, but healthy should be going to the spa, but healthy should be going to the spa, but healthy relationships feel way more like going relationships feel way more like going relationships feel way more like going to the gym. to the gym. to the gym. >> We have this fantasy world and there's a >> We have this fantasy world and there's a >> We have this fantasy world and there's a reality world and they don't match up. reality world and they don't match up. reality world and they don't match up. And so we end up being disappointed, And so we end up being disappointed, And so we end up being disappointed, disillusioned, discouraged, frustrated, disillusioned, discouraged, frustrated, disillusioned, discouraged, frustrated, and actually don't know how to navigate and actually don't know how to navigate and actually don't know how to navigate through the landscape of relationship to through the landscape of relationship to through the landscape of relationship to have a fulfilling, happy partnership. have a fulfilling, happy partnership. have a fulfilling, happy partnership. >> The goal of healthy relationships is not >> The goal of healthy relationships is not >> The goal of healthy relationships is not to fight less. If a couple comes into my to fight less. If a couple comes into my to fight less. If a couple comes into my office and they never fight, I am always office and they never fight, I am always office and they never fight, I am always more concerned. Conflict in more concerned. Conflict in more concerned. Conflict in relationships is healthy. The problem relationships is healthy. The problem relationships is healthy. The problem gets to be where if we're going into gets to be where if we're going into gets to be where if we're going into hyperarousal or hypoarousal, we've lost hyperarousal or hypoarousal, we've lost hyperarousal or hypoarousal, we've lost choice. How I think about repair choice. How I think about repair choice. How I think about repair actually, like what is repair is the actually, like what is repair is the actually, like what is repair is the ability to have choice. But when we're ability to have choice. But when we're ability to have choice. But when we're hijacked, we don't. hijacked, we don't. hijacked, we don't. >> Maya Ooce is a relationship repair >> Maya Ooce is a relationship repair >> Maya Ooce is a relationship repair expert with a master's degree from expert with a master's degree from expert with a master's degree from Columbia University whose work helping Columbia University whose work helping Columbia University whose work helping couples reconnect after conflict and couples reconnect after conflict and couples reconnect after conflict and disconnection has reached millions, disconnection has reached millions, disconnection has reached millions, including through her widely viewed including through her widely viewed including through her widely viewed TEDex talk on loneliness. TEDex talk on loneliness. TEDex talk on loneliness. >> Repair is actually not first and >> Repair is actually not first and >> Repair is actually not first and foremost a communication skill. Repair foremost a communication skill. Repair foremost a communication skill. Repair is a capacity skill. is a capacity skill. is a capacity skill. >> Hey, it's Dr. Heyman. I'm so excited to >> Hey, it's Dr. Heyman. I'm so excited to >> Hey, it's Dr. Heyman. I'm so excited to share this episode with you today. But share this episode with you today. But share this episode with you today. But before we dive in, I want to get your before we dive in, I want to get your before we dive in, I want to get your help. Please take a minute to hit that help. Please take a minute to hit that help. Please take a minute to hit that subscribe button. Whether you're subscribe button. Whether you're subscribe button. Whether you're watching here on YouTube or listening on watching here on YouTube or listening on watching here on YouTube or listening on your favorite podcast platform. It truly your favorite podcast platform. It truly your favorite podcast platform. It truly means the world to me and it helps my means the world to me and it helps my means the world to me and it helps my team and I bring you this podcast every team and I bring you this podcast every team and I bring you this podcast every single week. Plus, I don't want you to single week. Plus, I don't want you to single week. Plus, I don't want you to miss a thing. So, thanks so much for miss a thing. So, thanks so much for miss a thing. So, thanks so much for being part of this community and I'm being part of this community and I'm being part of this community and I'm glad you're here. Bea, wow, you're here. glad you're here. Bea, wow, you're here. glad you're here. Bea, wow, you're here. Welcome to the podcast. I'm so so Welcome to the podcast. I'm so so Welcome to the podcast. I'm so so excited. excited. excited. >> So, for those listening, V is one of my >> So, for those listening, V is one of my >> So, for those listening, V is one of my closest friends. Uh we're going to get closest friends. Uh we're going to get closest friends. Uh we're going to get deep and personal about life and love deep and personal about life and love deep and personal about life and love and what goes right and what goes wrong and what goes right and what goes wrong and what goes right and what goes wrong and what to do about it cuz we both have and what to do about it cuz we both have and what to do about it cuz we both have had a storied history of relationships had a storied history of relationships had a storied history of relationships and hence we're relationship experts. and hence we're relationship experts. and hence we're relationship experts. That's what I say. I've been married That's what I say. I've been married That's what I say. I've been married four times. So, I'm a relationship four times. So, I'm a relationship four times. So, I'm a relationship expert. expert. expert. >> Okay. I I always talk about I did not >> Okay. I I always talk about I did not >> Okay. I I always talk about I did not get into the line of work of repair get into the line of work of repair get into the line of work of repair because it came to me easily. I have because it came to me easily. I have because it came to me easily. I have fought tooth and nail. I still fight fought tooth and nail. I still fight fought tooth and nail. I still fight tooth and nail to figure out how we do tooth and nail to figure out how we do tooth and nail to figure out how we do this. And I think it's one of the most this. And I think it's one of the most this. And I think it's one of the most important parts of relationships important parts of relationships important parts of relationships >> that frankly gets kind of >> that frankly gets kind of >> that frankly gets kind of >> like blown over by a lot of teachers. >> like blown over by a lot of teachers. >> like blown over by a lot of teachers. It's like it becomes this one part in a It's like it becomes this one part in a It's like it becomes this one part in a four-part process. And four-part process. And four-part process. And >> for me looked way easier on the outside. >> for me looked way easier on the outside. >> for me looked way easier on the outside. And then when I practice it in my And then when I practice it in my And then when I practice it in my relationships, I was like, "Why does relationships, I was like, "Why does relationships, I was like, "Why does this feel so much harder than the this feel so much harder than the this feel so much harder than the teachers say that?" teachers say that?" teachers say that?" >> Yeah. Like relations 101. That was a >> Yeah. Like relations 101. That was a >> Yeah. Like relations 101. That was a good course. I learned how to do it and good course. I learned how to do it and good course. I learned how to do it and I learned how to do the math. Uh it I learned how to do the math. Uh it I learned how to do the math. Uh it doesn't quite work like that. doesn't quite work like that. doesn't quite work like that. >> Wish. I wish. >> Wish. I wish. >> Wish. I wish. >> You know, as as you're talking and >> You know, as as you're talking and >> You know, as as you're talking and something occurred to me, and we haven't something occurred to me, and we haven't something occurred to me, and we haven't really talked about this, but I'm just really talked about this, but I'm just really talked about this, but I'm just going to throw it out there. You know, going to throw it out there. You know, going to throw it out there. You know, for most of human history, you know, for most of human history, you know, for most of human history, you know, we've been in functional relationships we've been in functional relationships we've been in functional relationships basically in the sense that, you know, basically in the sense that, you know, basically in the sense that, you know, the guy had to go do the providing and the guy had to go do the providing and the guy had to go do the providing and the woman had to take the babies and it the woman had to take the babies and it the woman had to take the babies and it wasn't necessarily a love based thing. wasn't necessarily a love based thing. wasn't necessarily a love based thing. It was arranged or was just sort of It was arranged or was just sort of It was arranged or was just sort of structural, but it wasn't like we had to structural, but it wasn't like we had to structural, but it wasn't like we had to actually deal with two independent human actually deal with two independent human actually deal with two independent human beings who had to navigate how to be beings who had to navigate how to be beings who had to navigate how to be together in a very new environment. like together in a very new environment. like together in a very new environment. like this is kind of a new human environment this is kind of a new human environment this is kind of a new human environment that we're living in in the 21st century that we're living in in the 21st century that we're living in in the 21st century and you even when my you know parents and you even when my you know parents and you even when my you know parents were married it was still pretty were married it was still pretty were married it was still pretty traditional roles and structures and all traditional roles and structures and all traditional roles and structures and all those things have kind of gone out the those things have kind of gone out the those things have kind of gone out the window and that's why so many people men window and that's why so many people men window and that's why so many people men and women are disoriented about and women are disoriented about and women are disoriented about relationships. Is that is that right? relationships. Is that is that right? relationships. Is that is that right? >> I mean listen I think we have more >> I mean listen I think we have more >> I mean listen I think we have more expectations today of what a expectations today of what a expectations today of what a relationship should be than we ever have relationship should be than we ever have relationship should be than we ever have in human history. I mean for many years in human history. I mean for many years in human history. I mean for many years relationship was a business institution. relationship was a business institution. relationship was a business institution. It was, you know, you got married to It was, you know, you got married to It was, you know, you got married to someone in your same class, arranged someone in your same class, arranged someone in your same class, arranged marriages. To your point, we had very marriages. To your point, we had very marriages. To your point, we had very particular roles. Now, listen, it's not particular roles. Now, listen, it's not particular roles. Now, listen, it's not like those didn't come with struggles, like those didn't come with struggles, like those didn't come with struggles, but the expectation today is that one but the expectation today is that one but the expectation today is that one person will fulfill the role that a person will fulfill the role that a person will fulfill the role that a community has previously fulfilled. And community has previously fulfilled. And community has previously fulfilled. And so, you're asking, and this is what my so, you're asking, and this is what my so, you're asking, and this is what my colleague and supervisor Esther Pel colleague and supervisor Esther Pel colleague and supervisor Esther Pel talks about all the time, which is, you talks about all the time, which is, you talks about all the time, which is, you know, we want them to be our lover, our know, we want them to be our lover, our know, we want them to be our lover, our best friend, our confidant. That's a lot best friend, our confidant. That's a lot best friend, our confidant. That's a lot of things for one person of things for one person of things for one person >> and our playmate and our best friend and >> and our playmate and our best friend and >> and our playmate and our best friend and our our our >> the whole thing. And and if they're not, >> the whole thing. And and if they're not, >> the whole thing. And and if they're not, not only do we become dissatisfied, we not only do we become dissatisfied, we not only do we become dissatisfied, we think something's wrong. And then what think something's wrong. And then what think something's wrong. And then what do we do? We have this we live in this do we do? We have this we live in this do we do? We have this we live in this frictionless virtual culture that says frictionless virtual culture that says frictionless virtual culture that says things should be easy, right? We're things should be easy, right? We're things should be easy, right? We're online being fed everything that we online being fed everything that we online being fed everything that we want. It's like an Amazon package comes want. It's like an Amazon package comes want. It's like an Amazon package comes to us a day late and we're like, "That's to us a day late and we're like, "That's to us a day late and we're like, "That's a two-day shipping. I'm used to, you a two-day shipping. I'm used to, you a two-day shipping. I'm used to, you know, I'm used to this coming like to my know, I'm used to this coming like to my know, I'm used to this coming like to my door in 12 hours. We have online door in 12 hours. We have online door in 12 hours. We have online virtually this experience that's handing virtually this experience that's handing virtually this experience that's handing us algorithm algorithmically exactly us algorithm algorithmically exactly us algorithm algorithmically exactly what we want to be fed. I can literally what we want to be fed. I can literally what we want to be fed. I can literally think of a brand. It I don't even have think of a brand. It I don't even have think of a brand. It I don't even have to say it out loud and it shows up on my to say it out loud and it shows up on my to say it out loud and it shows up on my feed somehow magically the next day. And feed somehow magically the next day. And feed somehow magically the next day. And then we expect our relationships to map then we expect our relationships to map then we expect our relationships to map on to that. So we have this frictionless on to that. So we have this frictionless on to that. So we have this frictionless experience that we that by the way is experience that we that by the way is experience that we that by the way is becoming more and more frictionless. Our becoming more and more frictionless. Our becoming more and more frictionless. Our expectations are now higher than ever. expectations are now higher than ever. expectations are now higher than ever. And now the the experience we're being And now the the experience we're being And now the the experience we're being fed virtually and most of us live in a fed virtually and most of us live in a fed virtually and most of us live in a pretty virtual world is not mapping on pretty virtual world is not mapping on pretty virtual world is not mapping on to what happens when we get home from to what happens when we get home from to what happens when we get home from work and we're now in a bunch of tension work and we're now in a bunch of tension work and we're now in a bunch of tension with our partner. And so we think that's with our partner. And so we think that's with our partner. And so we think that's wrong. And what do we do? Most of us wrong. And what do we do? Most of us wrong. And what do we do? Most of us most of us fall into one of two camps. most of us fall into one of two camps. most of us fall into one of two camps. We will either stay and work and work We will either stay and work and work We will either stay and work and work and work and work and never give up and and work and work and never give up and and work and work and never give up and lose ourselves or we go into we go lose ourselves or we go into we go lose ourselves or we go into we go swipe. We're like great this is too swipe. We're like great this is too swipe. We're like great this is too hard. I'm out because I have endless hard. I'm out because I have endless hard. I'm out because I have endless >> or we go numb. >> or we go numb. >> or we go numb. >> Or we go numb. Yeah. >> Or we go numb. Yeah. >> Or we go numb. Yeah. >> And just stay and endure >> And just stay and endure >> And just stay and endure >> and endure. Right. So it's we leave and >> and endure. Right. So it's we leave and >> and endure. Right. So it's we leave and then we have tons of options and then then we have tons of options and then then we have tons of options and then the options are I mean dating like come the options are I mean dating like come the options are I mean dating like come on. The options are endless. So you go on. The options are endless. So you go on. The options are endless. So you go on a first, second, third date and on a first, second, third date and on a first, second, third date and you're like m this thing we don't really you're like m this thing we don't really you're like m this thing we don't really get along here. I bet I could find get along here. I bet I could find get along here. I bet I could find somebody who I could. somebody who I could. somebody who I could. >> It kind of it kind of reminds me when I >> It kind of it kind of reminds me when I >> It kind of it kind of reminds me when I when I was uh with my daughter, she was when I was uh with my daughter, she was when I was uh with my daughter, she was about 9 years old and Rachel, she's a about 9 years old and Rachel, she's a about 9 years old and Rachel, she's a non-orthopic surgery resident. She said, non-orthopic surgery resident. She said, non-orthopic surgery resident. She said, "Dad, how come like on the commercials "Dad, how come like on the commercials "Dad, how come like on the commercials things seem one way, but in real life things seem one way, but in real life things seem one way, but in real life they don't really seem like that and they don't really seem like that and they don't really seem like that and they're not as good?" they're not as good?" they're not as good?" >> What did it say? How'd you answer it? >> What did it say? How'd you answer it? >> What did it say? How'd you answer it? >> Well, it's marketing, you know? It's >> Well, it's marketing, you know? It's >> Well, it's marketing, you know? It's like it's all fantasy. It's all fantasy. like it's all fantasy. It's all fantasy. like it's all fantasy. It's all fantasy. And I think that's what you're talking And I think that's what you're talking And I think that's what you're talking about. We have this fantasy world and about. We have this fantasy world and about. We have this fantasy world and there's a reality world and they don't there's a reality world and they don't there's a reality world and they don't match up. And so we end up being match up. And so we end up being match up. And so we end up being disappointed, disillusioned, disappointed, disillusioned, disappointed, disillusioned, discouraged, frustrated, and actually discouraged, frustrated, and actually discouraged, frustrated, and actually don't know how to navigate through the don't know how to navigate through the don't know how to navigate through the landscape of a relationship to have a landscape of a relationship to have a landscape of a relationship to have a fulfilling, happy partnership. fulfilling, happy partnership. fulfilling, happy partnership. >> But it's not just fantasy. This is what >> But it's not just fantasy. This is what >> But it's not just fantasy. This is what we've been taught. I mean, think about we've been taught. I mean, think about we've been taught. I mean, think about it. I Okay, so I It doesn't matter if it. I Okay, so I It doesn't matter if it. I Okay, so I It doesn't matter if I'm literally speaking to a audience of I'm literally speaking to a audience of I'm literally speaking to a audience of 50 people or 5,000. I could ask some I 50 people or 5,000. I could ask some I 50 people or 5,000. I could ask some I could ask the audience, how many of you could ask the audience, how many of you could ask the audience, how many of you grew up with models in your from your grew up with models in your from your grew up with models in your from your caregivers or parents that you look at caregivers or parents that you look at caregivers or parents that you look at and you want to emulate? And like pretty and you want to emulate? And like pretty and you want to emulate? And like pretty much two to five people raise their much two to five people raise their much two to five people raise their hand. hand. hand. >> Yeah. Out of 5,000 >> Yeah. Out of 5,000 >> Yeah. Out of 5,000 >> literally like so few people are sitting >> literally like so few people are sitting >> literally like so few people are sitting there. Some people think they did there. Some people think they did there. Some people think they did because they because they didn't see because they because they didn't see because they because they didn't see their caregivers fight. And so they and their caregivers fight. And so they and their caregivers fight. And so they and so that modeling of no fighting, which so that modeling of no fighting, which so that modeling of no fighting, which is usually sweeping things under the rug is usually sweeping things under the rug is usually sweeping things under the rug or hiding it from them, all of a sudden or hiding it from them, all of a sudden or hiding it from them, all of a sudden now we're expecting perfection. Or we now we're expecting perfection. Or we now we're expecting perfection. Or we grew up in households where there was a grew up in households where there was a grew up in households where there was a ton of fighting and no resolution or ton of fighting and no resolution or ton of fighting and no resolution or someone wasn't saying something and someone wasn't saying something and someone wasn't saying something and there was all this resentment and we're there was all this resentment and we're there was all this resentment and we're feeling it energetically, right? So we feeling it energetically, right? So we feeling it energetically, right? So we have the models that we grew up with have the models that we grew up with have the models that we grew up with who, by the way, no fault to them, they who, by the way, no fault to them, they who, by the way, no fault to them, they have no idea what they were doing. None have no idea what they were doing. None have no idea what they were doing. None of us do. of us do. of us do. Then we've grown up on a on a diet of Then we've grown up on a on a diet of Then we've grown up on a on a diet of Hollywood romcoms and um social media Hollywood romcoms and um social media Hollywood romcoms and um social media and Disney and so you see kind of and Disney and so you see kind of and Disney and so you see kind of hashtag couple goals online and you see hashtag couple goals online and you see hashtag couple goals online and you see a family of six who's looking all put a family of six who's looking all put a family of six who's looking all put together and you're there you have you together and you're there you have you together and you're there you have you may not even have a kid and you're may not even have a kid and you're may not even have a kid and you're barely getting out of bed in the morning barely getting out of bed in the morning barely getting out of bed in the morning and you're like barely functioning and and you're like barely functioning and and you're like barely functioning and it just doesn't map on to your internal it just doesn't map on to your internal it just doesn't map on to your internal experience. And so this idea, while it experience. And so this idea, while it experience. And so this idea, while it sounds kind of silly and trit of prince sounds kind of silly and trit of prince sounds kind of silly and trit of prince charming and princess, it's this is this charming and princess, it's this is this charming and princess, it's this is this is ingrained inside our subconscious for is ingrained inside our subconscious for is ingrained inside our subconscious for what we should expect. And by the way, what we should expect. And by the way, what we should expect. And by the way, if we're not studying relationships, if if we're not studying relationships, if if we're not studying relationships, if we're not in therapy, if we're not, you we're not in therapy, if we're not, you we're not in therapy, if we're not, you know, going to workshops or reading the know, going to workshops or reading the know, going to workshops or reading the books, where are we learning what it books, where are we learning what it books, where are we learning what it actually means to be in a healthy, actually means to be in a healthy, actually means to be in a healthy, long-term, secure functioning long-term, secure functioning long-term, secure functioning relationship? We're learning from all of relationship? We're learning from all of relationship? We're learning from all of these outside forces. And none of those these outside forces. And none of those these outside forces. And none of those actually resemble what a healthy actually resemble what a healthy actually resemble what a healthy long-term relationship looks like unless long-term relationship looks like unless long-term relationship looks like unless you were very very lucky. you were very very lucky. you were very very lucky. >> I think that's so true. We just don't >> I think that's so true. We just don't >> I think that's so true. We just don't have models and I can't find one in my have models and I can't find one in my have models and I can't find one in my life. And there's a few couples that I life. And there's a few couples that I life. And there's a few couples that I know that I'm like, "Wow, that's a great know that I'm like, "Wow, that's a great know that I'm like, "Wow, that's a great couple or I love how they relate." But I couple or I love how they relate." But I couple or I love how they relate." But I certainly didn't have that growing up certainly didn't have that growing up certainly didn't have that growing up and I didn't know how to navigate love. and I didn't know how to navigate love. and I didn't know how to navigate love. And I think, you know, most of us And I think, you know, most of us And I think, you know, most of us probably find it fairly easy to get into probably find it fairly easy to get into probably find it fairly easy to get into a relationship, but staying in it and a relationship, but staying in it and a relationship, but staying in it and navigating it is really hard. And so, navigating it is really hard. And so, navigating it is really hard. And so, you talk about how love isn't you talk about how love isn't you talk about how love isn't necessarily about avoiding conflict. necessarily about avoiding conflict. necessarily about avoiding conflict. It's about learning how to repair and It's about learning how to repair and It's about learning how to repair and reconnect, right? And just repair that reconnect, right? And just repair that reconnect, right? And just repair that disconnection that happens as a natural disconnection that happens as a natural disconnection that happens as a natural part of two people being in a part of two people being in a part of two people being in a relationship. Can you kind of explain relationship. Can you kind of explain relationship. Can you kind of explain how you came to understand that this was how you came to understand that this was how you came to understand that this was sort of a missing piece? this whole idea sort of a missing piece? this whole idea sort of a missing piece? this whole idea of repair, which by the way is the title of repair, which by the way is the title of repair, which by the way is the title of your new book, I think, which is of your new book, I think, which is of your new book, I think, which is coming out soon. Not that soon, but coming out soon. Not that soon, but coming out soon. Not that soon, but it'll come out and we'll have her back it'll come out and we'll have her back it'll come out and we'll have her back on. So, this is really an important on. So, this is really an important on. So, this is really an important framework because, you know, conflict is framework because, you know, conflict is framework because, you know, conflict is is easy to enter into, but it's hard to is easy to enter into, but it's hard to is easy to enter into, but it's hard to get out of. get out of. get out of. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And people, you know, disagree and >> And people, you know, disagree and >> And people, you know, disagree and sometimes violent ways. There's often sometimes violent ways. There's often sometimes violent ways. There's often contempt, there's there's judgment, contempt, there's there's judgment, contempt, there's there's judgment, there's criticism, there's blame, there's criticism, there's blame, there's criticism, there's blame, there's shame, there's all these ways of there's shame, there's all these ways of there's shame, there's all these ways of fighting that are kind of dirty fighting that are kind of dirty fighting that are kind of dirty fighting, you know. And what you talk fighting, you know. And what you talk fighting, you know. And what you talk about is a different way of engaging about is a different way of engaging about is a different way of engaging with conflict. That's actually a with conflict. That's actually a with conflict. That's actually a positive. positive. positive. >> Here's here's the thing that I think >> Here's here's the thing that I think >> Here's here's the thing that I think most of us get wrong about most of us get wrong about most of us get wrong about relationships, which is that the goal is relationships, which is that the goal is relationships, which is that the goal is to fight less. that if we fight to fight less. that if we fight to fight less. that if we fight constantly that something is wrong and constantly that something is wrong and constantly that something is wrong and if we never fight that something is like if we never fight that something is like if we never fight that something is like that that that means we're we're doing that that that means we're we're doing that that that means we're we're doing well. I will tell you if a couple comes well. I will tell you if a couple comes well. I will tell you if a couple comes into my office and they never fight, I into my office and they never fight, I into my office and they never fight, I am always more concerned than for than am always more concerned than for than am always more concerned than for than with a couple who does because I'm like with a couple who does because I'm like with a couple who does because I'm like something's going on under the surface, something's going on under the surface, something's going on under the surface, someone's not speaking up, like conflict someone's not speaking up, like conflict someone's not speaking up, like conflict in relationships is healthy. It's not in relationships is healthy. It's not in relationships is healthy. It's not like if you are fighting and listen, I'm like if you are fighting and listen, I'm like if you are fighting and listen, I'm talking outside of manipulation, abuse, talking outside of manipulation, abuse, talking outside of manipulation, abuse, coercion, power, like coercion, power, like coercion, power, like >> normal messed up people, >> normal messed up people, >> normal messed up people, >> just just people who are just kind of >> just just people who are just kind of >> just just people who are just kind of messed up like the rest of us. like we messed up like the rest of us. like we messed up like the rest of us. like we this is part of relational dynamics. Now this is part of relational dynamics. Now this is part of relational dynamics. Now I I actually think about it in a few I I actually think about it in a few I I actually think about it in a few stages and you could talk to different stages and you could talk to different stages and you could talk to different professionals and some will say there professionals and some will say there professionals and some will say there are five stages and so I'm just going to are five stages and so I'm just going to are five stages and so I'm just going to map it as simply as I can. map it as simply as I can. map it as simply as I can. >> So the first stage of relationship is >> So the first stage of relationship is >> So the first stage of relationship is what we all know as the honeymoon stage what we all know as the honeymoon stage what we all know as the honeymoon stage or the merge. This is where inshment or the merge. This is where inshment or the merge. This is where inshment happens where the two eyes sort of or or happens where the two eyes sort of or or happens where the two eyes sort of or or more eyes disappear and you start to more eyes disappear and you start to more eyes disappear and you start to merge. You're like this feels so good. I merge. You're like this feels so good. I merge. You're like this feels so good. I finally I finally found the missing finally I finally found the missing finally I finally found the missing piece. piece. piece. >> And here we are and we think we're >> And here we are and we think we're >> And here we are and we think we're supposed to stay here forever. supposed to stay here forever. supposed to stay here forever. >> And then what happens? Disillusionment >> And then what happens? Disillusionment >> And then what happens? Disillusionment falls upon all of us. And all of a falls upon all of us. And all of a falls upon all of us. And all of a sudden that creative habit that we sudden that creative habit that we sudden that creative habit that we thought was just so amazing turns into thought was just so amazing turns into thought was just so amazing turns into the fact that they're kind of messy and the fact that they're kind of messy and the fact that they're kind of messy and disorganized and and so we enter into disorganized and and so we enter into disorganized and and so we enter into this second phase of relationship which this second phase of relationship which this second phase of relationship which is what I might call the power struggle. is what I might call the power struggle. is what I might call the power struggle. >> So research has shown that the power >> So research has shown that the power >> So research has shown that the power struggle is basically where most of us struggle is basically where most of us struggle is basically where most of us end up. This is where most it's not the end up. This is where most it's not the end up. This is where most it's not the final stage but it's where most of us final stage but it's where most of us final stage but it's where most of us end up. This is where you were you were end up. This is where you were you were end up. This is where you were you were you entered in to relationship as two you entered in to relationship as two you entered in to relationship as two individual people. You came into individual people. You came into individual people. You came into relationship. You merge. You're one. It relationship. You merge. You're one. It relationship. You merge. You're one. It feels so good to be with this person. feels so good to be with this person. feels so good to be with this person. And then all of a sudden something And then all of a sudden something And then all of a sudden something happens. You get into your first fight. happens. You get into your first fight. happens. You get into your first fight. You realize that that yellow flag that You realize that that yellow flag that You realize that that yellow flag that you decided not to look look at looks a you decided not to look look at looks a you decided not to look look at looks a little more like a red flag. And you little more like a red flag. And you little more like a red flag. And you start to have tension. This can show up start to have tension. This can show up start to have tension. This can show up in a lot of different ways. I think in a lot of different ways. I think in a lot of different ways. I think about like like this is such a common about like like this is such a common about like like this is such a common example for that I think most of us can example for that I think most of us can example for that I think most of us can probably resonate with something that probably resonate with something that probably resonate with something that has happened similarly which is like the has happened similarly which is like the has happened similarly which is like the couple who moves in and one person couple who moves in and one person couple who moves in and one person either likes the thermostat one temp and either likes the thermostat one temp and either likes the thermostat one temp and the and the other person like and and or the and the other person like and and or the and the other person like and and or someone likes background noise on all someone likes background noise on all someone likes background noise on all the time and they're listening to the the time and they're listening to the the time and they're listening to the podcasts and the audiobooks and the podcasts and the audiobooks and the podcasts and the audiobooks and the music just all the time because it calms music just all the time because it calms music just all the time because it calms them down and then the other person is them down and then the other person is them down and then the other person is like wait a second I need silence like like wait a second I need silence like like wait a second I need silence like that helps my nervous system regulate. that helps my nervous system regulate. that helps my nervous system regulate. And now all of a sudden this couple is And now all of a sudden this couple is And now all of a sudden this couple is starting to fight about something that's starting to fight about something that's starting to fight about something that's happening on a day-to-day basis that happening on a day-to-day basis that happening on a day-to-day basis that seems kind of small, maybe mundane, like seems kind of small, maybe mundane, like seems kind of small, maybe mundane, like these sorts of things that all of a these sorts of things that all of a these sorts of things that all of a sudden start to like just gnaw at you. sudden start to like just gnaw at you. sudden start to like just gnaw at you. And when we stay at the content level of And when we stay at the content level of And when we stay at the content level of argument, we don't it's really hard to argument, we don't it's really hard to argument, we don't it's really hard to get anywhere because you don't actually get anywhere because you don't actually get anywhere because you don't actually know what's happening under the surface. know what's happening under the surface. know what's happening under the surface. So if I'm saying, "Turn the music down. So if I'm saying, "Turn the music down. So if I'm saying, "Turn the music down. Turn the music off." And you're like, "I Turn the music off." And you're like, "I Turn the music off." And you're like, "I just need give me a break. I just got just need give me a break. I just got just need give me a break. I just got home from a long day. like let me just home from a long day. like let me just home from a long day. like let me just have one night. Right? If you get under have one night. Right? If you get under have one night. Right? If you get under the content and understand understand the content and understand understand the content and understand understand this helps me regulate this way helps me this helps me regulate this way helps me this helps me regulate this way helps me calm down. Now you're at the point where calm down. Now you're at the point where calm down. Now you're at the point where you can actually negotiate. you can actually negotiate. you can actually negotiate. That's an easy example. But let's buy That's an easy example. But let's buy That's an easy example. But let's buy headphones. headphones. headphones. >> That's buy headphones. Have have buy >> That's buy headphones. Have have buy >> That's buy headphones. Have have buy headphones. Have a room in the house headphones. Have a room in the house headphones. Have a room in the house that's dedicated to being quiet or have that's dedicated to being quiet or have that's dedicated to being quiet or have times that you're listen like now you times that you're listen like now you times that you're listen like now you now you can problem solve. But like now you can problem solve. But like now you can problem solve. But like that's, you know, e kind of easy for that's, you know, e kind of easy for that's, you know, e kind of easy for some of us. But then we're talking then some of us. But then we're talking then some of us. But then we're talking then we're talking about things that show up we're talking about things that show up we're talking about things that show up in every relationship dynamic. Are we in every relationship dynamic. Are we in every relationship dynamic. Are we going to have kids or not? Where are we going to have kids or not? Where are we going to have kids or not? Where are we going to live? What does our social going to live? What does our social going to live? What does our social fabric look like? What kind of place do fabric look like? What kind of place do fabric look like? What kind of place do we want to live in? I mean, these are we want to live in? I mean, these are we want to live in? I mean, these are things that the Gman's research shows things that the Gman's research shows things that the Gman's research shows that 69% of our relationship issues are that 69% of our relationship issues are that 69% of our relationship issues are unresolvable. They will be perpetual unresolvable. They will be perpetual unresolvable. They will be perpetual throughout our relationships. That's a throughout our relationships. That's a throughout our relationships. That's a lot. That's a lot. That will never get lot. That's a lot. That will never get lot. That's a lot. That will never get resolved. And if we don't understand resolved. And if we don't understand resolved. And if we don't understand that that that >> 69, not 68. >> 69, not 68. >> 69, not 68. >> No, definitely 69. That's what they say. >> No, definitely 69. That's what they say. >> No, definitely 69. That's what they say. I've always wondered about that number. I've always wondered about that number. I've always wondered about that number. Like, how do you get to 69? Could we Like, how do you get to 69? Could we Like, how do you get to 69? Could we just round up to like a solid 70? just round up to like a solid 70? just round up to like a solid 70? >> I honestly have no idea. But to to me, >> I honestly have no idea. But to to me, >> I honestly have no idea. But to to me, this is this is a piece of what we get this is this is a piece of what we get this is this is a piece of what we get wrong. We think the goal is fighting wrong. We think the goal is fighting wrong. We think the goal is fighting less, but actually there are going to be less, but actually there are going to be less, but actually there are going to be tons of problems in our in our tons of problems in our in our tons of problems in our in our relationships that we never quite get relationships that we never quite get relationships that we never quite get over. I I'll just actually speak over. I I'll just actually speak over. I I'll just actually speak personally here. My wife Emmy and I we personally here. My wife Emmy and I we personally here. My wife Emmy and I we one of the things that we came up one of the things that we came up one of the things that we came up against early on that we still work on against early on that we still work on against early on that we still work on navigating is I was coming out of a navigating is I was coming out of a navigating is I was coming out of a relationship where we did not really relationship where we did not really relationship where we did not really have a social life. He was quite an have a social life. He was quite an have a social life. He was quite an introvert. I that we were in COVID it introvert. I that we were in COVID it introvert. I that we were in COVID it was fine like it but by the time I got was fine like it but by the time I got was fine like it but by the time I got out of that out of that relationship I out of that out of that relationship I out of that out of that relationship I was starving for community and I was was starving for community and I was was starving for community and I was starving for going to events and going starving for going to events and going starving for going to events and going out. I meet my now white wife Emmy who out. I meet my now white wife Emmy who out. I meet my now white wife Emmy who is the to and she is like social is the to and she is like social is the to and she is like social butterfly has all the stamina in the butterfly has all the stamina in the butterfly has all the stamina in the world and at the beginning that was world and at the beginning that was world and at the beginning that was awesome because I was starved for it. I awesome because I was starved for it. I awesome because I was starved for it. I was like was like was like >> but little by little we get out of the >> but little by little we get out of the >> but little by little we get out of the merge phase and all of the sudden she merge phase and all of the sudden she merge phase and all of the sudden she now wants to be way way more social than now wants to be way way more social than now wants to be way way more social than I do. She wants to stay out way later I do. She wants to stay out way later I do. She wants to stay out way later than I do. I am and we're trying to than I do. I am and we're trying to than I do. I am and we're trying to figure out how to navigate this now. figure out how to navigate this now. figure out how to navigate this now. part of why this is tricky and this is part of why this is tricky and this is part of why this is tricky and this is the under like this is the underneath of the under like this is the underneath of the under like this is the underneath of the underneath that's happening for a the underneath that's happening for a the underneath that's happening for a lot of us that we need to sort of that lot of us that we need to sort of that lot of us that we need to sort of that we need to excavate in our we need to excavate in our we need to excavate in our relationships. But the truth is a couple relationships. But the truth is a couple relationships. But the truth is a couple relationships ago I was in I was engaged relationships ago I was in I was engaged relationships ago I was in I was engaged to a man and he he broke off our to a man and he he broke off our to a man and he he broke off our engagement out of nowhere. Like it it I engagement out of nowhere. Like it it I engagement out of nowhere. Like it it I was completely blind. Maybe I should was completely blind. Maybe I should was completely blind. Maybe I should have seen it coming but I didn't. And have seen it coming but I didn't. And have seen it coming but I didn't. And after he broke up with me all of these after he broke up with me all of these after he broke up with me all of these lies started to come out. I started to lies started to come out. I started to lies started to come out. I started to realize, wait, he didn't go to school realize, wait, he didn't go to school realize, wait, he didn't go to school where he said he went to school. He where he said he went to school. He where he said he went to school. He didn't have the job he said he like didn't have the job he said he like didn't have the job he said he like massive lives. And so before that, there massive lives. And so before that, there massive lives. And so before that, there was like a before and an after or before was like a before and an after or before was like a before and an after or before that relationship and an after that that relationship and an after that that relationship and an after that relationship version of Bea. And I was relationship version of Bea. And I was relationship version of Bea. And I was pretty trusting before that pretty trusting before that pretty trusting before that relationship. Some might even say naive. relationship. Some might even say naive. relationship. Some might even say naive. And after that relationship, something And after that relationship, something And after that relationship, something happened in that shock where I ended up happened in that shock where I ended up happened in that shock where I ended up being like being like being like around every corner I started to be like around every corner I started to be like around every corner I started to be like wait a second what don't what don't I wait a second what don't what don't I wait a second what don't what don't I see what am I missing how because I was see what am I missing how because I was see what am I missing how because I was I was in this industry I I was a I was in this industry I I was a I was in this industry I I was a professional how did I miss it and so I professional how did I miss it and so I professional how did I miss it and so I was like what what am I missing so that was like what what am I missing so that was like what what am I missing so that became kind of a central question and my became kind of a central question and my became kind of a central question and my body went into such shock for like the body went into such shock for like the body went into such shock for like the next oh my god it was wrecked my next oh my god it was wrecked my next oh my god it was wrecked my confidence was wrecked so anyway fast confidence was wrecked so anyway fast confidence was wrecked so anyway fast forward to two relationships later when forward to two relationships later when forward to two relationships later when I meet Emmy Emmy wants to go out she's I meet Emmy Emmy wants to go out she's I meet Emmy Emmy wants to go out she's done nothing wrong and her staying out done nothing wrong and her staying out done nothing wrong and her staying out kicks up this this piece of me that just kicks up this this piece of me that just kicks up this this piece of me that just had not been healed from this last had not been healed from this last had not been healed from this last relationship and every time she wants to relationship and every time she wants to relationship and every time she wants to go out now I don't know this at the go out now I don't know this at the go out now I don't know this at the beginning this isn't what I'm thinking beginning this isn't what I'm thinking beginning this isn't what I'm thinking I'm thinking I can blame it on Emmy like I'm thinking I can blame it on Emmy like I'm thinking I can blame it on Emmy like why does she need to go out but whatever why does she need to go out but whatever why does she need to go out but whatever I can like have a whole bunch of reasons I can like have a whole bunch of reasons I can like have a whole bunch of reasons but we were in so many fights about this but we were in so many fights about this but we were in so many fights about this about like me wanting to go home early about like me wanting to go home early about like me wanting to go home early can we just can we just compromise and can we just can we just compromise and can we just can we just compromise and go home and it just didn't work it was go home and it just didn't work it was go home and it just didn't work it was really really hard for us until we really really hard for us until we really really hard for us until we started to get underneath the surface, started to get underneath the surface, started to get underneath the surface, underneath her real value and desire for underneath her real value and desire for underneath her real value and desire for freedom and my real value and desire for freedom and my real value and desire for freedom and my real value and desire for safety. Those are things that we are safety. Those are things that we are safety. Those are things that we are going to deal with for the duration of going to deal with for the duration of going to deal with for the duration of our relationship. But once I started our relationship. But once I started our relationship. But once I started bringing to her that this is what's bringing to her that this is what's bringing to her that this is what's happening for me when you leave and this happening for me when you leave and this happening for me when you leave and this it was it started to change the game for it was it started to change the game for it was it started to change the game for how we did social events. She started to how we did social events. She started to how we did social events. She started to feel more compassion. I started to be feel more compassion. I started to be feel more compassion. I started to be able to I saw her coming home every time able to I saw her coming home every time able to I saw her coming home every time I didn't go home with her. I saw her I didn't go home with her. I saw her I didn't go home with her. I saw her coming home and not springing something coming home and not springing something coming home and not springing something on me, which was my biggest fear that on me, which was my biggest fear that on me, which was my biggest fear that all of a sudden I was going to turn all of a sudden I was going to turn all of a sudden I was going to turn around and she was going to say, "Hey, around and she was going to say, "Hey, around and she was going to say, "Hey, just have something to tell you." And I just have something to tell you." And I just have something to tell you." And I would be like, "How did I miss it? What would be like, "How did I miss it? What would be like, "How did I miss it? What did I miss?" Right. did I miss?" Right. did I miss?" Right. >> Well, you couldn't trust her. >> Well, you couldn't trust her. >> Well, you couldn't trust her. >> Yeah. But it wasn't necessarily about >> Yeah. But it wasn't necessarily about >> Yeah. But it wasn't necessarily about her. And the truth is with rel in her. And the truth is with rel in her. And the truth is with rel in relationships, we bring in all of the relationships, we bring in all of the relationships, we bring in all of the baggage from every single relationship baggage from every single relationship baggage from every single relationship leading up to that relationship that leading up to that relationship that leading up to that relationship that hasn't been healed. Whether it's from hasn't been healed. Whether it's from hasn't been healed. Whether it's from our family of origins or the our family of origins or the our family of origins or the relationships before, we bring all of relationships before, we bring all of relationships before, we bring all of that into our partnerships. And what that into our partnerships. And what that into our partnerships. And what we're really saying is on a totally we're really saying is on a totally we're really saying is on a totally unconscious level, cuz it's not like unconscious level, cuz it's not like unconscious level, cuz it's not like we're most of us are having these we're most of us are having these we're most of us are having these conversations, what we're really saying conversations, what we're really saying conversations, what we're really saying is is is here is all here are all the places that here is all here are all the places that here is all here are all the places that I'm still unhealed. My hope is that in this dynamic, I offer My hope is that in this dynamic, I offer things these things to you on the altar things these things to you on the altar things these things to you on the altar of our relationship. If I offer these of our relationship. If I offer these of our relationship. If I offer these things to you and that you can help me things to you and that you can help me things to you and that you can help me heal them, I'll do my part. You'll do. heal them, I'll do my part. You'll do. heal them, I'll do my part. You'll do. But nobody's having those conversations But nobody's having those conversations But nobody's having those conversations consciously. And by the way, vice versa. consciously. And by the way, vice versa. consciously. And by the way, vice versa. So, we're both just dealing with a bunch So, we're both just dealing with a bunch So, we're both just dealing with a bunch of all of us. of all of us. of all of us. >> Most of us are just like two little kids >> Most of us are just like two little kids >> Most of us are just like two little kids in our little kid selves having the in our little kid selves having the in our little kid selves having the fights, not our grown-up adult higher fights, not our grown-up adult higher fights, not our grown-up adult higher self, right? self, right? self, right? >> 100%. >> 100%. >> 100%. >> And those are very hardwired automatic >> And those are very hardwired automatic >> And those are very hardwired automatic responses that we can change, but we responses that we can change, but we responses that we can change, but we have to first identify them. I mean, have to first identify them. I mean, have to first identify them. I mean, here's what I would say. So, there's here's what I would say. So, there's here's what I would say. So, there's also, funny enough, research that talks also, funny enough, research that talks also, funny enough, research that talks about how it doesn't actually matter so about how it doesn't actually matter so about how it doesn't actually matter so much how we fight, even though it's much how we fight, even though it's much how we fight, even though it's important, but some people yell, some important, but some people yell, some important, but some people yell, some people are going to go quiet, some people are going to go quiet, some people are going to go quiet, some people are going to want to process people are going to want to process people are going to want to process more, some people are going to avoid. more, some people are going to avoid. more, some people are going to avoid. And we can find couples who are just as And we can find couples who are just as And we can find couples who are just as happy actually with those kinds of with happy actually with those kinds of with happy actually with those kinds of with that kind of tension in the that kind of tension in the that kind of tension in the relationship, but they have to come back relationship, but they have to come back relationship, but they have to come back together. So, we might always be together. So, we might always be together. So, we might always be fighting with the 5-year-old version fighting with the 5-year-old version fighting with the 5-year-old version that shows up. And the truth is, as long that shows up. And the truth is, as long that shows up. And the truth is, as long as we come back together, we're we'll as we come back together, we're we'll as we come back together, we're we'll likely be okay. But most of us don't likely be okay. But most of us don't likely be okay. But most of us don't know how to do this. Now, when we think know how to do this. Now, when we think know how to do this. Now, when we think about why we know so much information about why we know so much information about why we know so much information about relationships, like using eye about relationships, like using eye about relationships, like using eye language and active listening, but then language and active listening, but then language and active listening, but then we cannot practice that we cannot practice that we cannot practice that >> in the moment cuz we're hijacked. >> in the moment cuz we're hijacked. >> in the moment cuz we're hijacked. >> We're completely hijacked. So to me 90% >> We're completely hijacked. So to me 90% >> We're completely hijacked. So to me 90% of what we're doing in repair is of what we're doing in repair is of what we're doing in repair is building our capacity for tension. building our capacity for tension. building our capacity for tension. >> The nervous system regulation. >> The nervous system regulation. >> The nervous system regulation. >> Yes. It's but it's not just nervous >> Yes. It's but it's not just nervous >> Yes. It's but it's not just nervous system reg. Of course we have to have system reg. Of course we have to have system reg. Of course we have to have nervous system regulation but it's also nervous system regulation but it's also nervous system regulation but it's also nervous system expansion nervous system expansion nervous system expansion >> capacity >> capacity >> capacity >> capacity where your window of tolerance. >> capacity where your window of tolerance. >> capacity where your window of tolerance. If you have a window of tolerance and If you have a window of tolerance and If you have a window of tolerance and you're you generally go into hyper you're you generally go into hyper you're you generally go into hyper arousal. Those are my friends who are arousal. Those are my friends who are arousal. Those are my friends who are like, like, like, >> you know, you might yell, you might get >> you know, you might yell, you might get >> you know, you might yell, you might get hot, you might say too much, you want to hot, you might say too much, you want to hot, you might say too much, you want to process forever and talk talk talk. process forever and talk talk talk. process forever and talk talk talk. Those are that's me. And then on the Those are that's me. And then on the Those are that's me. And then on the other side of that window of tolerance other side of that window of tolerance other side of that window of tolerance is hypoarousal. Those are the people who is hypoarousal. Those are the people who is hypoarousal. Those are the people who overwhelm looks like they completely overwhelm looks like they completely overwhelm looks like they completely leave the building. They kind of shut leave the building. They kind of shut leave the building. They kind of shut down, dissociate. Yeah. Literally leave down, dissociate. Yeah. Literally leave down, dissociate. Yeah. Literally leave or figuratively. What we're trying to do or figuratively. What we're trying to do or figuratively. What we're trying to do with repair, the key skill here is with repair, the key skill here is with repair, the key skill here is expanding the window and then expanding the window and then expanding the window and then understanding little by little how we understanding little by little how we understanding little by little how we can start to to notice in our bodies can start to to notice in our bodies can start to to notice in our bodies what comes up before we're at 90%. what comes up before we're at 90%. what comes up before we're at 90%. Before we're like almost tipping over Before we're like almost tipping over Before we're like almost tipping over into hyperarousal or hyp or or into into hyperarousal or hyp or or into into hyperarousal or hyp or or into hypoarousal. The the problem gets to be hypoarousal. The the problem gets to be hypoarousal. The the problem gets to be where we we if we're in if we're going where we we if we're in if we're going where we we if we're in if we're going into hyperarousal or hypoarousal, we've into hyperarousal or hypoarousal, we've into hyperarousal or hypoarousal, we've lost choice. lost choice. lost choice. >> Yeah. how I think about the repair >> Yeah. how I think about the repair >> Yeah. how I think about the repair actually like what is repair is the actually like what is repair is the actually like what is repair is the ability to have choice but when we're ability to have choice but when we're ability to have choice but when we're hijacked we don't and so we might know hijacked we don't and so we might know hijacked we don't and so we might know the tools we might have read the books the tools we might have read the books the tools we might have read the books and when we're in the heat of the moment and when we're in the heat of the moment and when we're in the heat of the moment we have no ability to use the tools that we have no ability to use the tools that we have no ability to use the tools that we actually have because we're we actually have because we're we actually have because we're completely hijacked I mean and your completely hijacked I mean and your completely hijacked I mean and your audience knows this better than anybody audience knows this better than anybody audience knows this better than anybody just like you train to go into a cold just like you train to go into a cold just like you train to go into a cold plunge and you don't you're probably not plunge and you don't you're probably not plunge and you don't you're probably not going to start at 3 minutes like you're going to start at 3 minutes like you're going to start at 3 minutes like you're probably just not you're You like need probably just not you're You like need probably just not you're You like need to build up. You go to the gym, you need to build up. You go to the gym, you need to build up. You go to the gym, you need to build up to the weights that you're g to build up to the weights that you're g to build up to the weights that you're g that you you cannot go in there and lift that you you cannot go in there and lift that you you cannot go in there and lift 100 pounds if you have never lifted 100 pounds if you have never lifted 100 pounds if you have never lifted before. That's just literally not going before. That's just literally not going before. That's just literally not going to happen. to happen. to happen. >> The love gym. >> The love gym. >> The love gym. >> That's right. Actually, one of our one >> That's right. Actually, one of our one >> That's right. Actually, one of our one of our mutual friends and a colleague of of our mutual friends and a colleague of of our mutual friends and a colleague of mine, Annie Lala, I love this this line mine, Annie Lala, I love this this line mine, Annie Lala, I love this this line that she says, that she says, that she says, >> relationship dojo. >> relationship dojo. >> relationship dojo. Well, yes, that. But what she says that Well, yes, that. But what she says that Well, yes, that. But what she says that I just feel it like I just she said this I just feel it like I just she said this I just feel it like I just she said this and I was like that is brilliant that we and I was like that is brilliant that we and I was like that is brilliant that we think that relationships should be going think that relationships should be going think that relationships should be going to the spa. That's our orientation to the spa. That's our orientation to the spa. That's our orientation towards relationships. If we're in a towards relationships. If we're in a towards relationships. If we're in a healthy relationship, it will feel like healthy relationship, it will feel like healthy relationship, it will feel like the spa. But healthy relationships feel the spa. But healthy relationships feel the spa. But healthy relationships feel way more like going to the gym. And then way more like going to the gym. And then way more like going to the gym. And then maybe that gym has a spa attached. maybe that gym has a spa attached. maybe that gym has a spa attached. >> You get you get a steam after, right? >> You get you get a steam after, right? >> You get you get a steam after, right? >> But you're not going to the spa. You're >> But you're not going to the spa. You're >> But you're not going to the spa. You're going to the gym and then you get to going to the gym and then you get to going to the gym and then you get to steam after. That's right. And I think steam after. That's right. And I think steam after. That's right. And I think that really orients can help orient that really orients can help orient that really orients can help orient because so many people come to me with because so many people come to me with because so many people come to me with what is too hard? How do I know if my what is too hard? How do I know if my what is too hard? How do I know if my relationship is too hard when you pull relationship is too hard when you pull relationship is too hard when you pull the rip cord? the rip cord? the rip cord? >> Exactly. And part of that is are this is >> Exactly. And part of that is are this is >> Exactly. And part of that is are this is going to be simplifying the whole thing, going to be simplifying the whole thing, going to be simplifying the whole thing, but to ask yourself and you can kind of but to ask yourself and you can kind of but to ask yourself and you can kind of like get the noise out of the way to ask like get the noise out of the way to ask like get the noise out of the way to ask yourself yourself yourself am I shrinking inside of this am I shrinking inside of this am I shrinking inside of this relationship? Am I disappearing? Am I relationship? Am I disappearing? Am I relationship? Am I disappearing? Am I watching myself go away? watching myself go away? watching myself go away? >> No. Abandoning myself >> No. Abandoning myself >> No. Abandoning myself >> 100%. >> 100%. >> 100%. >> Or betraying myself. >> Or betraying myself. >> Or betraying myself. >> Yes. And little by little, all of a >> Yes. And little by little, all of a >> Yes. And little by little, all of a sudden, like you don't feel quite as you sudden, like you don't feel quite as you sudden, like you don't feel quite as you as you used to. Like maybe you don't do as you used to. Like maybe you don't do as you used to. Like maybe you don't do the things that you used to love as much the things that you used to love as much the things that you used to love as much as you do. You're not as you don't have as you do. You're not as you don't have as you do. You're not as you don't have that kind of spark you used to have. that kind of spark you used to have. that kind of spark you used to have. You've given up some of your friends. You've given up some of your friends. You've given up some of your friends. You you're you're a little you're like a You you're you're a little you're like a You you're you're a little you're like a duller version of yourself. duller version of yourself. duller version of yourself. Or am I becoming more of who I want to Or am I becoming more of who I want to Or am I becoming more of who I want to become? And part of how we do that is by become? And part of how we do that is by become? And part of how we do that is by building capacity. So even through building capacity. So even through building capacity. So even through fighting, even through tension, am I fighting, even through tension, am I fighting, even through tension, am I starting to be like, "Oh, wow. I breathe starting to be like, "Oh, wow. I breathe starting to be like, "Oh, wow. I breathe just a little bit longer there. I had just a little bit longer there. I had just a little bit longer there. I had between stimulus and response, I had between stimulus and response, I had between stimulus and response, I had just a nancond more of time and space." just a nancond more of time and space." just a nancond more of time and space." >> That's practice to get there, right? >> That's practice to get there, right? >> That's practice to get there, right? >> Well, it's training. This is It's >> Well, it's training. This is It's >> Well, it's training. This is It's practice. It's training. This is what practice. It's training. This is what practice. It's training. This is what I'm saying about the cold plunge. Like, I'm saying about the cold plunge. Like, I'm saying about the cold plunge. Like, you cannot You're just It's going to be you cannot You're just It's going to be you cannot You're just It's going to be so unrealistic. And if you do go into so unrealistic. And if you do go into so unrealistic. And if you do go into the cold punch for three minutes the the cold punch for three minutes the the cold punch for three minutes the first time, you're probably holding your first time, you're probably holding your first time, you're probably holding your breath and freaking out and like just breath and freaking out and like just breath and freaking out and like just want to show off for your friends and want to show off for your friends and want to show off for your friends and it's probably not sustainable. But you it's probably not sustainable. But you it's probably not sustainable. But you have to practice. I actually think a lot have to practice. I actually think a lot have to practice. I actually think a lot about crossraining here. And I think about crossraining here. And I think about crossraining here. And I think about mapping this onto other about mapping this onto other about mapping this onto other relationships and like most of us what relationships and like most of us what relationships and like most of us what we're doing is we're training in the we're doing is we're training in the we're doing is we're training in the hardest environments possible when both hardest environments possible when both hardest environments possible when both of us are super triggered and we don't of us are super triggered and we don't of us are super triggered and we don't we're not training outside. Are you are we're not training outside. Are you are we're not training outside. Are you are you saying that people should learn you saying that people should learn you saying that people should learn tools to help regulate their nervous tools to help regulate their nervous tools to help regulate their nervous system like with their breath or system like with their breath or system like with their breath or separating until you kind of are separating until you kind of are separating until you kind of are resourced and regulated? Because you resourced and regulated? Because you resourced and regulated? Because you talked about how if you're not resourced talked about how if you're not resourced talked about how if you're not resourced and regulated, it's not a time to have a and regulated, it's not a time to have a and regulated, it's not a time to have a conversation fight. conversation fight. conversation fight. >> But sometimes, but this is what >> But sometimes, but this is what >> But sometimes, but this is what generally happens. Of course, it's not generally happens. Of course, it's not generally happens. Of course, it's not the time to have a fight, but what do we the time to have a fight, but what do we the time to have a fight, but what do we do? For some of us, it feels good to do? For some of us, it feels good to do? For some of us, it feels good to expel. And so we just say the thing cuz expel. And so we just say the thing cuz expel. And so we just say the thing cuz in the mo in the he of the moment it's in the mo in the he of the moment it's in the mo in the he of the moment it's like there's just like an ah that felt like there's just like an ah that felt like there's just like an ah that felt really good or it feels safe to close really good or it feels safe to close really good or it feels safe to close down. And so this is what I mean by the down. And so this is what I mean by the down. And so this is what I mean by the window of tolerance. But if we don't window of tolerance. But if we don't window of tolerance. But if we don't know what our physiological cues are know what our physiological cues are know what our physiological cues are before we go into the place of complete before we go into the place of complete before we go into the place of complete shutdown or before we say the thing that shutdown or before we say the thing that shutdown or before we say the thing that we might regret, it's going to be really we might regret, it's going to be really we might regret, it's going to be really hard to train that at 90% arousal. hard to train that at 90% arousal. hard to train that at 90% arousal. Right? So absolutely this is Right? So absolutely this is Right? So absolutely this is physiological and I think what the physiological and I think what the physiological and I think what the relationship space is missing right now relationship space is missing right now relationship space is missing right now is a lot of the conversations are around is a lot of the conversations are around is a lot of the conversations are around the communication skills of repair and the communication skills of repair and the communication skills of repair and less about the physiological to me less about the physiological to me less about the physiological to me repair is actually not first and repair is actually not first and repair is actually not first and foremost a communication skill. Repair foremost a communication skill. Repair foremost a communication skill. Repair is a capacity skill because we are going is a capacity skill because we are going is a capacity skill because we are going I mean I could say this a million times I mean I could say this a million times I mean I could say this a million times over and it probably won't be enough. over and it probably won't be enough. over and it probably won't be enough. We're going to lose our skills. We're We're going to lose our skills. We're We're going to lose our skills. We're going to lose the tools in the moments going to lose the tools in the moments going to lose the tools in the moments that we need the most. If we're not that we need the most. If we're not that we need the most. If we're not training, if we're not actually building training, if we're not actually building training, if we're not actually building the capacity, and this is what I mean by the capacity, and this is what I mean by the capacity, and this is what I mean by cross trainining, this is what I mean by cross trainining, this is what I mean by cross trainining, this is what I mean by setting ourselves up for how we actually setting ourselves up for how we actually setting ourselves up for how we actually practice repair when we don't need it. practice repair when we don't need it. practice repair when we don't need it. Instead of practicing repair, instead of Instead of practicing repair, instead of Instead of practicing repair, instead of me giving you a laundry list of scripts me giving you a laundry list of scripts me giving you a laundry list of scripts here about what to do when you're here about what to do when you're here about what to do when you're fighting because you're going to forget fighting because you're going to forget fighting because you're going to forget them. You're not going to use them. them. You're not going to use them. them. You're not going to use them. >> So, how do how do people navigate to to >> So, how do how do people navigate to to >> So, how do how do people navigate to to build the capacity? Why I use a gym, build the capacity? Why I use a gym, build the capacity? Why I use a gym, which I know is kind of cliche, but but which I know is kind of cliche, but but which I know is kind of cliche, but but it's just easy for all of us to it's just easy for all of us to it's just easy for all of us to understand, is because we know we have understand, is because we know we have understand, is because we know we have to start with lower reps, lower weight to start with lower reps, lower weight to start with lower reps, lower weight to build up if we don't want to get to build up if we don't want to get to build up if we don't want to get injured to injured to injured to >> start with the easy stuff. >> start with the easy stuff. >> start with the easy stuff. >> You have to >> You have to >> You have to >> like the dishes. >> like the dishes. >> like the dishes. >> Exactly. Exactly. You start with the >> Exactly. Exactly. You start with the >> Exactly. Exactly. You start with the things or you So, so say your partner things or you So, so say your partner things or you So, so say your partner sends it. Say, okay, so here's what I sends it. Say, okay, so here's what I sends it. Say, okay, so here's what I want you to do for your audience. I want want you to do for your audience. I want want you to do for your audience. I want you to think about right now your you to think about right now your you to think about right now your hardest relationship. Maybe it's your hardest relationship. Maybe it's your hardest relationship. Maybe it's your romantic relationship. Maybe it's a romantic relationship. Maybe it's a romantic relationship. Maybe it's a relationship with a parent or a sibling relationship with a parent or a sibling relationship with a parent or a sibling or a boss or a co-orker. And think about or a boss or a co-orker. And think about or a boss or a co-orker. And think about something that they do that if you're something that they do that if you're something that they do that if you're talking about on a scale of one to 10, talking about on a scale of one to 10, talking about on a scale of one to 10, 10 being like the highest trigger, it's 10 being like the highest trigger, it's 10 being like the highest trigger, it's like a five or lower for you. That could like a five or lower for you. That could like a five or lower for you. That could be something like the dishes. It could be something like the dishes. It could be something like the dishes. It could be something like they leave a mess on be something like they leave a mess on be something like they leave a mess on the counter for you to clean up. It the counter for you to clean up. It the counter for you to clean up. It could be that they send a text that that could be that they send a text that that could be that they send a text that that you know usually they use an exclamation you know usually they use an exclamation you know usually they use an exclamation point and an emoji and today they didn't point and an emoji and today they didn't point and an emoji and today they didn't and you don't know why and now you're in and you don't know why and now you're in and you don't know why and now you're in your head. your head. your head. >> So I want you to pick one or two of >> So I want you to pick one or two of >> So I want you to pick one or two of these. Do you know do you know these. Do you know do you know these. Do you know do you know >> I text trauma? It's like a thing now. >> I text trauma? It's like a thing now. >> I text trauma? It's like a thing now. It's like a new thing. I don't worry It's like a new thing. I don't worry It's like a new thing. I don't worry about it but I know it exists. about it but I know it exists. about it but I know it exists. >> It totally exists. If you say if you say >> It totally exists. If you say if you say >> It totally exists. If you say if you say good morning and it doesn't have an good morning and it doesn't have an good morning and it doesn't have an exclamation point versus good morning exclamation point versus good morning exclamation point versus good morning with an exclamation point. Like we read with an exclamation point. Like we read with an exclamation point. Like we read into that. That's language now. That's into that. That's language now. That's into that. That's language now. That's like the way we communicate. like the way we communicate. like the way we communicate. >> True. >> True. >> True. >> If you do one heart and not four hearts >> If you do one heart and not four hearts >> If you do one heart and not four hearts like you know this is I mean this is like you know this is I mean this is like you know this is I mean this is real language. This is how we're real language. This is how we're real language. This is how we're communicating to start actually communicating to start actually communicating to start actually practicing. So you know that that So I'm practicing. So you know that that So I'm practicing. So you know that that So I'm asking everybody to think of the thing asking everybody to think of the thing asking everybody to think of the thing right now and think of it for you too right now and think of it for you too right now and think of it for you too like what's a five or below. For me it's like what's a five or below. For me it's like what's a five or below. For me it's something it actually would be something something it actually would be something something it actually would be something like a like a text where oh no you know like a like a text where oh no you know like a like a text where oh no you know what it would be for me it would be my what it would be for me it would be my what it would be for me it would be my wife comes home and she's on her phone wife comes home and she's on her phone wife comes home and she's on her phone when she walks in the door. It's like a when she walks in the door. It's like a when she walks in the door. It's like a five or to me transitions are really five or to me transitions are really five or to me transitions are really important and I get really impacted by important and I get really impacted by important and I get really impacted by like how did we wake up today? how are like how did we wake up today? how are like how did we wake up today? how are we coming home from work and did we coming home from work and did we coming home from work and did something happen and is it about me and something happen and is it about me and something happen and is it about me and anyway I'm still in my own work but but anyway I'm still in my own work but but anyway I'm still in my own work but but so it would be something like she comes so it would be something like she comes so it would be something like she comes home she's on her phone and she doesn't home she's on her phone and she doesn't home she's on her phone and she doesn't immediately say hi and she doesn't look immediately say hi and she doesn't look immediately say hi and she doesn't look up and she's kind of distracted so what up and she's kind of distracted so what up and she's kind of distracted so what I might do is all of a sudden like my my I might do is all of a sudden like my my I might do is all of a sudden like my my kind of um initial response might be to kind of um initial response might be to kind of um initial response might be to in my head it's not it's not actually in my head it's not it's not actually in my head it's not it's not actually something I would say out loud it would something I would say out loud it would something I would say out loud it would be like uh great something happened at be like uh great something happened at be like uh great something happened at work or what did I do or now we're going work or what did I do or now we're going work or what did I do or now we're going to be here all night That might be my to be here all night That might be my to be here all night That might be my automatic response. It's not necessarily automatic response. It's not necessarily automatic response. It's not necessarily towards her, but it's a thought for me. towards her, but it's a thought for me. towards her, but it's a thought for me. Maybe for you, it's something Maybe for you, it's something Maybe for you, it's something physiologically that happens. It's like physiologically that happens. It's like physiologically that happens. It's like your you can feel your heart start to your you can feel your heart start to your you can feel your heart start to race or you can feel yourself start to race or you can feel yourself start to race or you can feel yourself start to sweat a little or you get cold or you sweat a little or you get cold or you sweat a little or you get cold or you start to start to start to >> shallow breathe, >> shallow breathe, >> shallow breathe, >> right? So you start to track these >> right? So you start to track these >> right? So you start to track these little responses. If you don't know what little responses. If you don't know what little responses. If you don't know what they are now, you literally from this they are now, you literally from this they are now, you literally from this moment on, you start to track what's moment on, you start to track what's moment on, you start to track what's that little thing. So for me, the cue is that little thing. So for me, the cue is that little thing. So for me, the cue is ah I can feel this thought loop coming ah I can feel this thought loop coming ah I can feel this thought loop coming on. So the goal is this is a five or on. So the goal is this is a five or on. So the goal is this is a five or under. And now I start to disrupt the under. And now I start to disrupt the under. And now I start to disrupt the pattern. So instead of instead of oh pattern. So instead of instead of oh pattern. So instead of instead of oh that thought is wrong now I'm saying that thought is wrong now I'm saying that thought is wrong now I'm saying okay what's my one practice for me it okay what's my one practice for me it okay what's my one practice for me it might be literally breathing for 30 might be literally breathing for 30 might be literally breathing for 30 seconds extending my exhales and seconds extending my exhales and seconds extending my exhales and starting to just calm for 30 seconds starting to just calm for 30 seconds starting to just calm for 30 seconds maybe 60 maybe 90 if I'm lucky. But it's maybe 60 maybe 90 if I'm lucky. But it's maybe 60 maybe 90 if I'm lucky. But it's powerful when you do that. powerful when you do that. powerful when you do that. >> And I don't think we understand. I think >> And I don't think we understand. I think >> And I don't think we understand. I think we've I think we because we're starting we've I think we because we're starting we've I think we because we're starting we've the conversation for so long has we've the conversation for so long has we've the conversation for so long has been about trauma and about using eye been about trauma and about using eye been about trauma and about using eye language and what's the thing we're language and what's the thing we're language and what's the thing we're going to say and it's not actually going to say and it's not actually going to say and it's not actually what's our physiological response that what's our physiological response that what's our physiological response that is going to completely derail the is going to completely derail the is going to completely derail the conversation after this. I mean, what conversation after this. I mean, what conversation after this. I mean, what what what you're talking about is is what what you're talking about is is what what you're talking about is is very specific, which is when we have a very specific, which is when we have a very specific, which is when we have a stress, and it could be, you know, you stress, and it could be, you know, you stress, and it could be, you know, you think your partner came home half an think your partner came home half an think your partner came home half an hour late cuz they were having an affair hour late cuz they were having an affair hour late cuz they were having an affair with somebody or maybe they were on with somebody or maybe they were on with somebody or maybe they were on their way to buy you flowers. their way to buy you flowers. their way to buy you flowers. >> Yeah, totally. >> Yeah, totally. >> Yeah, totally. >> But like, you're going to have the same >> But like, you're going to have the same >> But like, you're going to have the same physiological response regardless of the physiological response regardless of the physiological response regardless of the insult if you have an interpretation of insult if you have an interpretation of insult if you have an interpretation of that as danger, right? It doesn't matter that as danger, right? It doesn't matter that as danger, right? It doesn't matter if it's a real or an imagined threat. It if it's a real or an imagined threat. It if it's a real or an imagined threat. It could be, you know, really, you know, a could be, you know, really, you know, a could be, you know, really, you know, a tiger chasing you or it could be you tiger chasing you or it could be you tiger chasing you or it could be you think, you know, your partner is having think, you know, your partner is having think, you know, your partner is having an affair because they stayed late going an affair because they stayed late going an affair because they stayed late going to find something beautiful for you to to find something beautiful for you to to find something beautiful for you to buy as a gift, right? So, like, and it's buy as a gift, right? So, like, and it's buy as a gift, right? So, like, and it's the same physiology. And so, this stress the same physiology. And so, this stress the same physiology. And so, this stress response is what you're talking about response is what you're talking about response is what you're talking about when your heartbeat quickens, your when your heartbeat quickens, your when your heartbeat quickens, your breath becomes shallow, your chest breath becomes shallow, your chest breath becomes shallow, your chest tightens up, your gut tightens up, you tightens up, your gut tightens up, you tightens up, your gut tightens up, you you can't think clearly, and all of a you can't think clearly, and all of a you can't think clearly, and all of a sudden, you know, it's like you're in sudden, you know, it's like you're in sudden, you know, it's like you're in this acute stress response. And that's this acute stress response. And that's this acute stress response. And that's what we're actually engaging in what we're actually engaging in what we're actually engaging in relationship with. And that's that's relationship with. And that's that's relationship with. And that's that's very dangerous because in that's when we very dangerous because in that's when we very dangerous because in that's when we we're hijacked by what we call our we're hijacked by what we call our we're hijacked by what we call our amydala, which is our fight or flight or amydala, which is our fight or flight or amydala, which is our fight or flight or fear or feeding or fawning center in our fear or feeding or fawning center in our fear or feeding or fawning center in our brain that keeps us stuck in these brain that keeps us stuck in these brain that keeps us stuck in these ancient limbic lizard-like relationships ancient limbic lizard-like relationships ancient limbic lizard-like relationships that aren't very mature because they that aren't very mature because they that aren't very mature because they don't allow us to sort of wake up to don't allow us to sort of wake up to don't allow us to sort of wake up to what it's like to actually be in a sort what it's like to actually be in a sort what it's like to actually be in a sort of an adult awake person. You're in this of an adult awake person. You're in this of an adult awake person. You're in this sort of hijacked state. So, I think sort of hijacked state. So, I think sort of hijacked state. So, I think you're you're talking about is is asking you're you're talking about is is asking you're you're talking about is is asking people to stop when they start to feel people to stop when they start to feel people to stop when they start to feel those sensations and tune in to those those sensations and tune in to those those sensations and tune in to those sensations and then do something to sensations and then do something to sensations and then do something to interrupt that pattern. interrupt that pattern. interrupt that pattern. >> That's right. Catch your breath. >> That's right. Catch your breath. >> That's right. Catch your breath. >> Because the the the thing is we probably >> Because the the the thing is we probably >> Because the the the thing is we probably won't be able to stop the physiological won't be able to stop the physiological won't be able to stop the physiological response from happening. That response from happening. That response from happening. That physiological response maybe it get it physiological response maybe it get it physiological response maybe it get it decreases over time, but get used to it. decreases over time, but get used to it. decreases over time, but get used to it. like make that response your friend like make that response your friend like make that response your friend because that that's not necessarily because that that's not necessarily because that that's not necessarily going anywhere. What we do after is the going anywhere. What we do after is the going anywhere. What we do after is the thing that we can control. Now maybe it thing that we can control. Now maybe it thing that we can control. Now maybe it goes away. Maybe our partners can repair goes away. Maybe our partners can repair goes away. Maybe our partners can repair with us and all of a sudden like over with us and all of a sudden like over with us and all of a sudden like over time that that time that that time that that >> or you do Ivy game. >> or you do Ivy game. >> or you do Ivy game. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Mark's favorite topic these days I did Mark's favorite topic these days I did Mark's favorite topic these days I did it. My wife did it. It changed it. My wife did it. It changed it. My wife did it. It changed everything in our in our conversation. everything in our in our conversation. everything in our in our conversation. and our and our ability to regulate in a and our and our ability to regulate in a and our and our ability to regulate in a conversation is really dramatically. It conversation is really dramatically. It conversation is really dramatically. It was like so noticeable was like so noticeable was like so noticeable for both of us that our ability to stay for both of us that our ability to stay for both of us that our ability to stay in a grounded resource state in a in a grounded resource state in a in a grounded resource state in a conversation where maybe we wouldn't conversation where maybe we wouldn't conversation where maybe we wouldn't have been able to before was really it have been able to before was really it have been able to before was really it was interesting. It was like a nervous was interesting. It was like a nervous was interesting. It was like a nervous system reset and I don't know if it'll system reset and I don't know if it'll system reset and I don't know if it'll last but it's good while it lasts. last but it's good while it lasts. last but it's good while it lasts. >> Well, it's such a I mean this is part of >> Well, it's such a I mean this is part of >> Well, it's such a I mean this is part of why psychedelic therapy is such an why psychedelic therapy is such an why psychedelic therapy is such an interesting modality to explore, right? interesting modality to explore, right? interesting modality to explore, right? Is I listen I don't think it's a Is I listen I don't think it's a Is I listen I don't think it's a panacea. I don't think it's for panacea. I don't think it's for panacea. I don't think it's for everybody. I have a whole you know I I everybody. I have a whole you know I I everybody. I have a whole you know I I do a lot of research in that space so do a lot of research in that space so do a lot of research in that space so I'm not but but I also I think I I you I'm not but but I also I think I I you I'm not but but I also I think I I you know I have my qualms about it but you know I have my qualms about it but you know I have my qualms about it but you know we have this critical window that know we have this critical window that know we have this critical window that opens up this critical period that opens opens up this critical period that opens opens up this critical period that opens up after different psychedelic up after different psychedelic up after different psychedelic experiences and I'm pretty sure and you experiences and I'm pretty sure and you experiences and I'm pretty sure and you can correct me if I'm wrong here but I I can correct me if I'm wrong here but I I can correct me if I'm wrong here but I I has one of the long has one of the long has one of the long >> the 90 days at least that's what they >> the 90 days at least that's what they >> the 90 days at least that's what they they they stop measuring after 90 so who they they stop measuring after 90 so who they they stop measuring after 90 so who knows how many it is. Yeah. knows how many it is. Yeah. knows how many it is. Yeah. >> Yeah. So with something like MDMA, it's >> Yeah. So with something like MDMA, it's >> Yeah. So with something like MDMA, it's 2 weeks. With psilocybin, I think it's a 2 weeks. With psilocybin, I think it's a 2 weeks. With psilocybin, I think it's a little longer, but this window is what little longer, but this window is what little longer, but this window is what allows you to start to retrain habits. allows you to start to retrain habits. allows you to start to retrain habits. And so it would make sense that you're And so it would make sense that you're And so it would make sense that you're able to practice regulation in a very able to practice regulation in a very able to practice regulation in a very different way. And then the hope is that different way. And then the hope is that different way. And then the hope is that translates over time, not because you translates over time, not because you translates over time, not because you did this one time peak experience, but did this one time peak experience, but did this one time peak experience, but because you've integrated it and then because you've integrated it and then because you've integrated it and then practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practiced, and then it becomes habitual. practiced, and then it becomes habitual. practiced, and then it becomes habitual. And this is I think a really big piece And this is I think a really big piece And this is I think a really big piece here is that the goal I so the goal of here is that the goal I so the goal of here is that the goal I so the goal of healthy relationships is not to fight healthy relationships is not to fight healthy relationships is not to fight less. It's not to not fight. That's not less. It's not to not fight. That's not less. It's not to not fight. That's not the goal. The goal is how do you come the goal. The goal is how do you come the goal. The goal is how do you come back together not fight dirty. back together not fight dirty. back together not fight dirty. >> That's right. How do you come back to >> That's right. How do you come back to >> That's right. How do you come back to how do you learn to come back together? how do you learn to come back together? how do you learn to come back together? Because most of us are fighting and not Because most of us are fighting and not Because most of us are fighting and not actually coming back. Well, let let's actually coming back. Well, let let's actually coming back. Well, let let's talk about this because you do talk talk about this because you do talk talk about this because you do talk about this whole repair framework that about this whole repair framework that about this whole repair framework that you used to approach with your own you used to approach with your own you used to approach with your own relationship and with your clients and relationship and with your clients and relationship and with your clients and um and there I think there's some really um and there I think there's some really um and there I think there's some really powerful things in there like a friend powerful things in there like a friend powerful things in there like a friend of mine once said, you know, only one of mine once said, you know, only one of mine once said, you know, only one crazy person in the room at a time. You crazy person in the room at a time. You crazy person in the room at a time. You know, that's great. know, that's great. know, that's great. >> That's kind of the first one like one >> That's kind of the first one like one >> That's kind of the first one like one person at a time. Talk about that and person at a time. Talk about that and person at a time. Talk about that and and what is that and like take us and what is that and like take us and what is that and like take us through this framework. through this framework. through this framework. >> Yeah. Yeah. The the one person at a time >> Yeah. Yeah. The the one person at a time >> Yeah. Yeah. The the one person at a time I think is again where a lot of us get I think is again where a lot of us get I think is again where a lot of us get into trouble because think about how into trouble because think about how into trouble because think about how many fights you have gotten into where many fights you have gotten into where many fights you have gotten into where they're talking and you're talking over they're talking and you're talking over they're talking and you're talking over them and you just want them to hear you them and you just want them to hear you them and you just want them to hear you but obviously they just want you to hear but obviously they just want you to hear but obviously they just want you to hear you too. Like there it's like a it's a you too. Like there it's like a it's a you too. Like there it's like a it's a hot mess. We know that doesn't work but hot mess. We know that doesn't work but hot mess. We know that doesn't work but it's really hard not to do. So and we're it's really hard not to do. So and we're it's really hard not to do. So and we're not going to be able to do it if we're not going to be able to do it if we're not going to be able to do it if we're not regulated. That's just the truth. So not regulated. That's just the truth. So not regulated. That's just the truth. So the the first step I actually talk about the the first step I actually talk about the the first step I actually talk about is to do nothing. That's where we're is to do nothing. That's where we're is to do nothing. That's where we're practicing. We're practicing with a five practicing. We're practicing with a five practicing. We're practicing with a five and below. We're literally starting to and below. We're literally starting to and below. We're literally starting to expand our tolerance for tension. expand our tolerance for tension. expand our tolerance for tension. Then we get into at some point we're Then we get into at some point we're Then we get into at some point we're going to have to come into a going to have to come into a going to have to come into a conversation and start to hash some conversation and start to hash some conversation and start to hash some things out. I learned this from my things out. I learned this from my things out. I learned this from my teacher Terry Real and colleague Terry teacher Terry Real and colleague Terry teacher Terry Real and colleague Terry Real who's a fantastic couple therapist. Real who's a fantastic couple therapist. Real who's a fantastic couple therapist. And what he talks about is one person And what he talks about is one person And what he talks about is one person goes at a time. And why this is so goes at a time. And why this is so goes at a time. And why this is so important which it it is critical is important which it it is critical is important which it it is critical is because if both of us are going, because if both of us are going, because if both of us are going, nobody's listening. nobody's listening. nobody's listening. >> That's right. >> That's right. >> That's right. >> No one's listening. But we have to this >> No one's listening. But we have to this >> No one's listening. But we have to this is I'm just going to go back to is I'm just going to go back to is I'm just going to go back to differentiation um and the power differentiation um and the power differentiation um and the power struggle because what's happening here struggle because what's happening here struggle because what's happening here is if somebody is speaking something is if somebody is speaking something is if somebody is speaking something that hurt you right they might not be that hurt you right they might not be that hurt you right they might not be using eye language. I actually I using eye language. I actually I using eye language. I actually I actually have the more I understand actually have the more I understand actually have the more I understand repair the more I think it's a one repair the more I think it's a one repair the more I think it's a one person job. I used to say okay so your person job. I used to say okay so your person job. I used to say okay so your partner has to talk to you this way and partner has to talk to you this way and partner has to talk to you this way and you then you go back. It's like kind of you then you go back. It's like kind of you then you go back. It's like kind of the frameworks that that we hear about, the frameworks that that we hear about, the frameworks that that we hear about, right? Which is you talk this way, you right? Which is you talk this way, you right? Which is you talk this way, you speak, you speak from the eye speak, you speak from the eye speak, you speak from the eye perspective and without blaming. And perspective and without blaming. And perspective and without blaming. And listen, in an ideal world, that's what listen, in an ideal world, that's what listen, in an ideal world, that's what we're doing. We're speaking without we're doing. We're speaking without we're doing. We're speaking without blaming. We're talking from the eye. blaming. We're talking from the eye. blaming. We're talking from the eye. We're But like, we're not living in an We're But like, we're not living in an We're But like, we're not living in an eye world. And if you're talking to your eye world. And if you're talking to your eye world. And if you're talking to your boss or your mom, the idea that you're boss or your mom, the idea that you're boss or your mom, the idea that you're going to say, "Hey, mom, will you use going to say, "Hey, mom, will you use going to say, "Hey, mom, will you use eye language with me?" And that's going eye language with me?" And that's going eye language with me?" And that's going to work is like zero. and you're not to work is like zero. and you're not to work is like zero. and you're not going to hand your boss a worksheet and going to hand your boss a worksheet and going to hand your boss a worksheet and say, "Hey, let's practice nonviolent say, "Hey, let's practice nonviolent say, "Hey, let's practice nonviolent communication." Like, that's just communication." Like, that's just communication." Like, that's just totally unrealistic. So, I've started to totally unrealistic. So, I've started to totally unrealistic. So, I've started to think about it. think about it. think about it. >> Well, maybe not a bad idea. >> Well, maybe not a bad idea. >> Well, maybe not a bad idea. >> Maybe not a bad idea, but most of us are >> Maybe not a bad idea, but most of us are >> Maybe not a bad idea, but most of us are probably not going to have the luxury to probably not going to have the luxury to probably not going to have the luxury to do that. So, if you're just a normal do that. So, if you're just a normal do that. So, if you're just a normal average everyday human like most of us, average everyday human like most of us, average everyday human like most of us, and that's just not on the table, then I and that's just not on the table, then I and that's just not on the table, then I like to think about repair as a like to think about repair as a like to think about repair as a oneperson job. Again, hopefully your oneperson job. Again, hopefully your oneperson job. Again, hopefully your partner shows up for this, but if they partner shows up for this, but if they partner shows up for this, but if they can't, you're owning your side of the can't, you're owning your side of the can't, you're owning your side of the street. So, first step, one at a time, street. So, first step, one at a time, street. So, first step, one at a time, right? You have a speaker, you have a right? You have a speaker, you have a right? You have a speaker, you have a listener. There are many frameworks that listener. There are many frameworks that listener. There are many frameworks that that people talk about. You can use a that people talk about. You can use a that people talk about. You can use a mo, you can use Ellen Bader's mo, you can use Ellen Bader's mo, you can use Ellen Bader's developmental model, you can use Terry developmental model, you can use Terry developmental model, you can use Terry Real's RLT. Like, there are lots of ways Real's RLT. Like, there are lots of ways Real's RLT. Like, there are lots of ways that you can have this conversation. So, that you can have this conversation. So, that you can have this conversation. So, the idea of what I'm talking about is the idea of what I'm talking about is the idea of what I'm talking about is you could basically map what I'm talking you could basically map what I'm talking you could basically map what I'm talking about with any tool skill set that you about with any tool skill set that you about with any tool skill set that you already have. One person goes out of already have. One person goes out of already have. One person goes out of time. What does that mean? That means time. What does that mean? That means time. What does that mean? That means one person. one person. one person. >> Well, by the way, I don't think B most >> Well, by the way, I don't think B most >> Well, by the way, I don't think B most people know how to actually properly people know how to actually properly people know how to actually properly listen to somebody. listen to somebody. listen to somebody. >> Oh, I think it's a it's a totally >> Oh, I think it's a it's a totally >> Oh, I think it's a it's a totally underdeveloped skill. We'll talk about underdeveloped skill. We'll talk about underdeveloped skill. We'll talk about why. Well, I'll get there because it's why. Well, I'll get there because it's why. Well, I'll get there because it's it's really it's we it's not because we it's really it's we it's not because we it's really it's we it's not because we don't want to, by the way. It's because don't want to, by the way. It's because don't want to, by the way. It's because it is freaking hard. So, I'll I'll talk it is freaking hard. So, I'll I'll talk it is freaking hard. So, I'll I'll talk about that. So, one person is speaking. about that. So, one person is speaking. about that. So, one person is speaking. We'll call and the other person is We'll call and the other person is We'll call and the other person is listening. We'll call the speaking listening. We'll call the speaking listening. We'll call the speaking partner the hurt partner. Not that partner the hurt partner. Not that partner the hurt partner. Not that you're not both hurt. You just It's just you're not both hurt. You just It's just you're not both hurt. You just It's just for right now. Just for right now. So for right now. Just for right now. So for right now. Just for right now. So you'll both get a turn, but you're not you'll both get a turn, but you're not you'll both get a turn, but you're not going to go at the same time. So the her going to go at the same time. So the her going to go at the same time. So the her partner is speaking. The hope here, if partner is speaking. The hope here, if partner is speaking. The hope here, if this is you, the skill that you are this is you, the skill that you are this is you, the skill that you are building is you are building enough building is you are building enough building is you are building enough differentiation, differentiation, differentiation, and I'll talk about differentiation in and I'll talk about differentiation in and I'll talk about differentiation in just a second to be able to say, here's just a second to be able to say, here's just a second to be able to say, here's what's happening from my perspective. what's happening from my perspective. what's happening from my perspective. Here's what's happening over here in my Here's what's happening over here in my Here's what's happening over here in my world. In order to do that, I'm not world. In order to do that, I'm not world. In order to do that, I'm not blaming you because I am different than blaming you because I am different than blaming you because I am different than you. Because I am literally you. Because I am literally you. Because I am literally differentiated. I am saying to you, I'm differentiated. I am saying to you, I'm differentiated. I am saying to you, I'm saying I'll just use Emmy and I as an saying I'll just use Emmy and I as an saying I'll just use Emmy and I as an example. We'll use the the night out example. We'll use the the night out example. We'll use the the night out thing. What I used to say is, "Hey, it's thing. What I used to say is, "Hey, it's thing. What I used to say is, "Hey, it's really hard for me when you go out um really hard for me when you go out um really hard for me when you go out um because I don't trust you." Right? That because I don't trust you." Right? That because I don't trust you." Right? That would be like kind of undifferiated. Now would be like kind of undifferiated. Now would be like kind of undifferiated. Now I say, "It's really hard for me when you I say, "It's really hard for me when you I say, "It's really hard for me when you go out because I actually feel quite go out because I actually feel quite go out because I actually feel quite lonely. I've now done the digging inside lonely. I've now done the digging inside lonely. I've now done the digging inside of myself to say like we're different. of myself to say like we're different. of myself to say like we're different. I'm responsible for what I'm feeling and I'm responsible for what I'm feeling and I'm responsible for what I'm feeling and experiencing over here and you can help experiencing over here and you can help experiencing over here and you can help me like you can you can help me with me like you can you can help me with me like you can you can help me with that if you want but ultimately we can't that if you want but ultimately we can't that if you want but ultimately we can't control another person the other control another person the other control another person the other person's job the listening partner this person's job the listening partner this person's job the listening partner this is critical and hard to your point most is critical and hard to your point most is critical and hard to your point most of us don't know how to actually listen of us don't know how to actually listen of us don't know how to actually listen part of why it's hard to listen is part of why it's hard to listen is part of why it's hard to listen is because if you're not differentiated because if you're not differentiated because if you're not differentiated it's very hard to not take what your it's very hard to not take what your it's very hard to not take what your partner is saying personally partner is saying personally partner is saying personally And what do you mean by differentiated? And what do you mean by differentiated? And what do you mean by differentiated? >> The idea of differentiation is that we >> The idea of differentiation is that we >> The idea of differentiation is that we are two eyes. We are two individual are two eyes. We are two individual are two eyes. We are two individual people and we're also caring for the people and we're also caring for the people and we're also caring for the Wii. Which is very different than Wii. Which is very different than Wii. Which is very different than individuation, which is I'm going to do individuation, which is I'm going to do individuation, which is I'm going to do what I want. I'm an autonomous human who what I want. I'm an autonomous human who what I want. I'm an autonomous human who can who can um is going to make my own can who can um is going to make my own can who can um is going to make my own choices. And it doesn't actually matter choices. And it doesn't actually matter choices. And it doesn't actually matter how that's going to land on you or how how that's going to land on you or how how that's going to land on you or how it will hurt you or I I'm just like I'm it will hurt you or I I'm just like I'm it will hurt you or I I'm just like I'm going to do what I want. That's going to do what I want. That's going to do what I want. That's independence. I'm going to do what I independence. I'm going to do what I independence. I'm going to do what I want. Codependence is that merge phase, want. Codependence is that merge phase, want. Codependence is that merge phase, right? Then you don't have to call it right? Then you don't have to call it right? Then you don't have to call it cod, but that's like just to help kind cod, but that's like just to help kind cod, but that's like just to help kind of identify. of identify. of identify. >> Well, you do what the other person >> Well, you do what the other person >> Well, you do what the other person wants. wants. wants. >> Yeah. 100%. >> Yeah. 100%. >> Yeah. 100%. >> A friend of mine call said knitts become >> A friend of mine call said knitts become >> A friend of mine call said knitts become skiers and skiers become knitts. skiers and skiers become knitts. skiers and skiers become knitts. It's like if you're, you know, like to It's like if you're, you know, like to It's like if you're, you know, like to knit, but your partner skis, you're want knit, but your partner skis, you're want knit, but your partner skis, you're want to ski and vice versa until you're done to ski and vice versa until you're done to ski and vice versa until you're done with that and then it'll be over. with that and then it'll be over. with that and then it'll be over. >> That's exactly right. So differentiation >> That's exactly right. So differentiation >> That's exactly right. So differentiation would be I'm my own autonomous human and would be I'm my own autonomous human and would be I'm my own autonomous human and I care about you. In fact, one of the I care about you. In fact, one of the I care about you. In fact, one of the one of the highest predictors of one of the highest predictors of one of the highest predictors of relationship satisfaction is the ability relationship satisfaction is the ability relationship satisfaction is the ability to accept influence from your partner. to accept influence from your partner. to accept influence from your partner. So, if I say to you, "Hey, Mark, when So, if I say to you, "Hey, Mark, when So, if I say to you, "Hey, Mark, when you talk to me like that, when you talk you talk to me like that, when you talk you talk to me like that, when you talk to me like that in that tone, it's to me like that in that tone, it's to me like that in that tone, it's really hard for me to hear." And you really hard for me to hear." And you really hard for me to hear." And you might be thinking in your head, "What might be thinking in your head, "What might be thinking in your head, "What tone? Like, I'm not talking to you tone? Like, I'm not talking to you tone? Like, I'm not talking to you anyway." But instead of saying that out anyway." But instead of saying that out anyway." But instead of saying that out loud, you can think it all you want. You loud, you can think it all you want. You loud, you can think it all you want. You crazy. crazy. crazy. You say, "Okay, here. Here, let me let You say, "Okay, here. Here, let me let You say, "Okay, here. Here, let me let me actually try and change that. Not me actually try and change that. Not me actually try and change that. Not because you agree with them. This is because you agree with them. This is because you agree with them. This is where also we get into a lot of trouble. where also we get into a lot of trouble. where also we get into a lot of trouble. Not because you agree with them. You Not because you agree with them. You Not because you agree with them. You might literally be in your head like might literally be in your head like might literally be in your head like that person is crazy. My tone is fine. that person is crazy. My tone is fine. that person is crazy. My tone is fine. But because you love them, because you But because you love them, because you But because you love them, because you love this person. And so what do you do? love this person. And so what do you do? love this person. And so what do you do? You shift for them. You accept their You shift for them. You accept their You shift for them. You accept their influence. So that you're building a influence. So that you're building a influence. So that you're building a relational habit and foundation here. relational habit and foundation here. relational habit and foundation here. Now, when we think we have to agree with Now, when we think we have to agree with Now, when we think we have to agree with our partner, this is again the listening our partner, this is again the listening our partner, this is again the listening person. When you think you have to agree person. When you think you have to agree person. When you think you have to agree with them, so they come home, they come with them, so they come home, they come with them, so they come home, they come home and they say, "We just went to home and they say, "We just went to home and they say, "We just went to dinner tonight and you made fun of me in dinner tonight and you made fun of me in dinner tonight and you made fun of me in front of all of our friends and you're front of all of our friends and you're front of all of our friends and you're over here being like, "What are you over here being like, "What are you over here being like, "What are you talking talking talking >> right? >> right? >> right? >> I definitely didn't like I I didn't I I >> I definitely didn't like I I didn't I I >> I definitely didn't like I I didn't I I don't even remember what I said or I don't even remember what I said or I don't even remember what I said or I said that and I didn't like you totally said that and I didn't like you totally said that and I didn't like you totally took it the wrong way." You're not took it the wrong way." You're not took it the wrong way." You're not saying that out loud. You can think it. saying that out loud. You can think it. saying that out loud. You can think it. Think it all you want, but you're you Think it all you want, but you're you Think it all you want, but you're you are listening to the person like you're are listening to the person like you're are listening to the person like you're a researcher being like, "Huh?" or like a researcher being like, "Huh?" or like a researcher being like, "Huh?" or like they're an alien. I like actually they're an alien. I like actually they're an alien. I like actually thinking about them as an alien. Like, thinking about them as an alien. Like, thinking about them as an alien. Like, huh, you're an alien creature who is so huh, you're an alien creature who is so huh, you're an alien creature who is so different than me, who I would never different than me, who I would never different than me, who I would never think the same as and who's who like think the same as and who's who like think the same as and who's who like like I would never get hurt by that like I would never get hurt by that like I would never get hurt by that thing that you like if I said if you thing that you like if I said if you thing that you like if I said if you said that I would literally never get said that I would literally never get said that I would literally never get hurt. But if we assume sameness, which hurt. But if we assume sameness, which hurt. But if we assume sameness, which is agreement, if we assume we need to is agreement, if we assume we need to is agreement, if we assume we need to agree, we're on losing ground. We're on agree, we're on losing ground. We're on agree, we're on losing ground. We're on losing ground. So, if I know I don't losing ground. So, if I know I don't losing ground. So, if I know I don't need to agree with you and I can need to agree with you and I can need to agree with you and I can literally look at you like you are a literally look at you like you are a literally look at you like you are a full-on alien from another planet and be full-on alien from another planet and be full-on alien from another planet and be like, "Huh, what's that like to live in like, "Huh, what's that like to live in like, "Huh, what's that like to live in your alien planet over there?" your alien planet over there?" your alien planet over there?" >> I think that's a really useful construct >> I think that's a really useful construct >> I think that's a really useful construct that you you you've written about, which that you you you've written about, which that you you you've written about, which is this idea of pers perspective over is this idea of pers perspective over is this idea of pers perspective over perception and how to become an perception and how to become an perception and how to become an anthropologist of your partner's inner anthropologist of your partner's inner anthropologist of your partner's inner world. world. world. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Which is getting curious. Well, >> Which is getting curious. Well, >> Which is getting curious. Well, >> like you like you don't have to agree >> like you like you don't have to agree >> like you like you don't have to agree that you want to, you know, be a that you want to, you know, be a that you want to, you know, be a cannibal and eat, you know, dead people, cannibal and eat, you know, dead people, cannibal and eat, you know, dead people, but you can be curious about that but you can be curious about that but you can be curious about that culture that does that, right? culture that does that, right? culture that does that, right? >> Exactly. >> Exactly. >> Exactly. >> And so I think I think that's a really >> And so I think I think that's a really >> And so I think I think that's a really important framework because, important framework because, important framework because, >> you know, most of us are operating from >> you know, most of us are operating from >> you know, most of us are operating from these automatic childhood wounds and these automatic childhood wounds and these automatic childhood wounds and patterns and our traumas, big traumas, patterns and our traumas, big traumas, patterns and our traumas, big traumas, little traumas. And so we bring that little traumas. And so we bring that little traumas. And so we bring that into the relationship and the into the relationship and the into the relationship and the conversation. And unless you get curious conversation. And unless you get curious conversation. And unless you get curious and listen and realize, well, that and listen and realize, well, that and listen and realize, well, that person's really just in this moment of person's really just in this moment of person's really just in this moment of being a wounded 5-year-old little girl being a wounded 5-year-old little girl being a wounded 5-year-old little girl or a 10-year-old little boy and you can or a 10-year-old little boy and you can or a 10-year-old little boy and you can have compassion for that and know it's have compassion for that and know it's have compassion for that and know it's not about you. not about you. not about you. >> This is differentiation. Literally, this >> This is differentiation. Literally, this >> This is differentiation. Literally, this is that's the work of differentiation, is that's the work of differentiation, is that's the work of differentiation, which in order to do that, we have to which in order to do that, we have to which in order to do that, we have to expand our tolerance for tension. We expand our tolerance for tension. We expand our tolerance for tension. We have to expand our capacity because your have to expand our capacity because your have to expand our capacity because your partner might be saying some stuff about partner might be saying some stuff about partner might be saying some stuff about you that you really don't want to hear. you that you really don't want to hear. you that you really don't want to hear. I want to share an example because it's I want to share an example because it's I want to share an example because it's happened to me and it was like a magic happened to me and it was like a magic happened to me and it was like a magic trick. I was uh my ex-wife and I were trick. I was uh my ex-wife and I were trick. I was uh my ex-wife and I were still great friends and we we you know still great friends and we we you know still great friends and we we you know we went to my best friend's 60th we went to my best friend's 60th we went to my best friend's 60th birthday. Now she didn't know a soul and birthday. Now she didn't know a soul and birthday. Now she didn't know a soul and she said to me before, "Mark, would you she said to me before, "Mark, would you she said to me before, "Mark, would you please make sure that you introduce me please make sure that you introduce me please make sure that you introduce me to people and include me in the to people and include me in the to people and include me in the conversations and do all this?" I'm conversations and do all this?" I'm conversations and do all this?" I'm like, "Sure, no problem." Now, I had like, "Sure, no problem." Now, I had like, "Sure, no problem." Now, I had just had heart surgery and I had an just had heart surgery and I had an just had heart surgery and I had an atrial fib and unablation and I was a atrial fib and unablation and I was a atrial fib and unablation and I was a little uncomfortable and I was on a pain little uncomfortable and I was on a pain little uncomfortable and I was on a pain pill. So, I was like a little gonzo. pill. So, I was like a little gonzo. pill. So, I was like a little gonzo. And we walk in to the to the party and And we walk in to the to the party and And we walk in to the to the party and my best friend's girlfriend at the time my best friend's girlfriend at the time my best friend's girlfriend at the time rushes up to to me and I was like kind rushes up to to me and I was like kind rushes up to to me and I was like kind of overwhelmed and I just like my wife of overwhelmed and I just like my wife of overwhelmed and I just like my wife was standing there and I didn't stop her was standing there and I didn't stop her was standing there and I didn't stop her and I after like 5 minutes I did but by and I after like 5 minutes I did but by and I after like 5 minutes I did but by that time it was too late. My wife was that time it was too late. My wife was that time it was too late. My wife was just so upset and she went out of a 10 just so upset and she went out of a 10 just so upset and she went out of a 10 out of 10 reaction and probably out of 10 reaction and probably out of 10 reaction and probably triggered by something you know not triggered by something you know not triggered by something you know not being taken care of by her family or her being taken care of by her family or her being taken care of by her family or her father. who knows what was going on father. who knows what was going on father. who knows what was going on there underneath the service, but it there underneath the service, but it there underneath the service, but it didn't really matter. She was enter She didn't really matter. She was enter She didn't really matter. She was enter She like stormed out and went to the parking like stormed out and went to the parking like stormed out and went to the parking lot. So, I I was like, "Oh [ __ ] this is lot. So, I I was like, "Oh [ __ ] this is lot. So, I I was like, "Oh [ __ ] this is my best friend's birthday. What's going my best friend's birthday. What's going my best friend's birthday. What's going to happen?" And and so I I uh and I to happen?" And and so I I uh and I to happen?" And and so I I uh and I obviously didn't do what she asked me to obviously didn't do what she asked me to obviously didn't do what she asked me to do. And so, I I understood that I kind do. And so, I I understood that I kind do. And so, I I understood that I kind of screwed up. After a few minutes, I of screwed up. After a few minutes, I of screwed up. After a few minutes, I went back to the parking lot and we l went back to the parking lot and we l went back to the parking lot and we l found her and we sat on the curb. I found her and we sat on the curb. I found her and we sat on the curb. I said, "So, I says, "Okay, tell me said, "So, I says, "Okay, tell me said, "So, I says, "Okay, tell me everything. Like, what are you feeling? everything. Like, what are you feeling? everything. Like, what are you feeling? What's up for you? Like, I'm here to What's up for you? Like, I'm here to What's up for you? Like, I'm here to listen." And I just let her rant and listen." And I just let her rant and listen." And I just let her rant and like, "You didn't do this and you didn't like, "You didn't do this and you didn't like, "You didn't do this and you didn't do that." No, no, no. Just like just it do that." No, no, no. Just like just it do that." No, no, no. Just like just it was intense. And I had to sit there and was intense. And I had to sit there and was intense. And I had to sit there and I had to take it and not take it I had to take it and not take it I had to take it and not take it personally, but just receive and hold my personally, but just receive and hold my personally, but just receive and hold my presence and breathe and stay grounded presence and breathe and stay grounded presence and breathe and stay grounded in my body and not in my body and not in my body and not >> You were able to do this. >> You were able to do this. >> You were able to do this. >> Mhm. And not be about >> Mhm. And not be about >> Mhm. And not be about >> like my my point of view or God, don't >> like my my point of view or God, don't >> like my my point of view or God, don't be such a, you know, don't be so be such a, you know, don't be so be such a, you know, don't be so annoying. This is my best friend's annoying. This is my best friend's annoying. This is my best friend's birthday. How could you do this? like birthday. How could you do this? like birthday. How could you do this? like what do I all this stuff, you know, I what do I all this stuff, you know, I what do I all this stuff, you know, I could have said could have said could have said >> that's going on in your head probably. >> that's going on in your head probably. >> that's going on in your head probably. >> Yeah. Like like come on, like just get >> Yeah. Like like come on, like just get >> Yeah. Like like come on, like just get your [ __ ] together. She's crazy. And your [ __ ] together. She's crazy. And your [ __ ] together. She's crazy. And like and but it but she legitimately like and but it but she legitimately like and but it but she legitimately felt that way. So I wasn't going to say, felt that way. So I wasn't going to say, felt that way. So I wasn't going to say, "Don't feel that." And I just listened. "Don't feel that." And I just listened. "Don't feel that." And I just listened. >> And then after she was done, I said, "Is >> And then after she was done, I said, "Is >> And then after she was done, I said, "Is there any more? Is there any more?" I there any more? Is there any more?" I there any more? Is there any more?" I let her get it all out. And then I And let her get it all out. And then I And let her get it all out. And then I And then I just said, "Let me get this then I just said, "Let me get this then I just said, "Let me get this right. Let me see if I understand. I right. Let me see if I understand. I right. Let me see if I understand. I didn't do this. And I heard you this way didn't do this. And I heard you this way didn't do this. And I heard you this way and I did this and and I just kind of and I did this and and I just kind of and I did this and and I just kind of laid it all out." And she's like, laid it all out." And she's like, laid it all out." And she's like, "Yeah." And the next minute she was in "Yeah." And the next minute she was in "Yeah." And the next minute she was in my lap and I was like, "Wow." my lap and I was like, "Wow." my lap and I was like, "Wow." And so I was like, "Oh, this isn't a And so I was like, "Oh, this isn't a And so I was like, "Oh, this isn't a magic trick. magic trick. magic trick. >> It is a magic trick." >> It is a magic trick." >> It is a magic trick." >> But it took it took an enormous amount >> But it took it took an enormous amount >> But it took it took an enormous amount of like I would say like lifting of like I would say like lifting of like I would say like lifting weights. Like it's that same analogy. weights. Like it's that same analogy. weights. Like it's that same analogy. It's like it was hard to hold myself It's like it was hard to hold myself It's like it was hard to hold myself still and just listen without having my still and just listen without having my still and just listen without having my own narrative of trying to argue with own narrative of trying to argue with own narrative of trying to argue with her in my head while she's talking, but her in my head while she's talking, but her in my head while she's talking, but actually to just listen to her and be actually to just listen to her and be actually to just listen to her and be the anthropologist like what the hell is the anthropologist like what the hell is the anthropologist like what the hell is going on with you? And all people want going on with you? And all people want going on with you? And all people want is to be seen and heard and understood. is to be seen and heard and understood. is to be seen and heard and understood. And if you get that, it's like And if you get that, it's like And if you get that, it's like >> it is kind of like a magic trick. >> it is kind of like a magic trick. >> it is kind of like a magic trick. >> Kind of like a magic trick. What if the >> Kind of like a magic trick. What if the >> Kind of like a magic trick. What if the greatest threat to your health wasn't greatest threat to your health wasn't greatest threat to your health wasn't bad choices, but bad design? In America, bad choices, but bad design? In America, bad choices, but bad design? In America, chronic disease isn't accidental. It's chronic disease isn't accidental. It's chronic disease isn't accidental. It's the predictable outcome of a food system the predictable outcome of a food system the predictable outcome of a food system built for profit, not people. A web of built for profit, not people. A web of built for profit, not people. A web of corporations, lobbyists, and policy corporations, lobbyists, and policy corporations, lobbyists, and policy makers, all feeding off your plate. They makers, all feeding off your plate. They makers, all feeding off your plate. They call it choice, but your options were call it choice, but your options were call it choice, but your options were engineered. From the grocery aisle to engineered. From the grocery aisle to engineered. From the grocery aisle to the school cafeteria, Big Food, Big Egg, the school cafeteria, Big Food, Big Egg, the school cafeteria, Big Food, Big Egg, and Big Pharma wrote the rules together. and Big Pharma wrote the rules together. and Big Pharma wrote the rules together. The food pyramid distorted, the science The food pyramid distorted, the science The food pyramid distorted, the science bought, the front of package health bought, the front of package health bought, the front of package health labels designed to deceive. This isn't a labels designed to deceive. This isn't a labels designed to deceive. This isn't a broken system. It's a perfectly broken system. It's a perfectly broken system. It's a perfectly functioning machine, producing disease, functioning machine, producing disease, functioning machine, producing disease, dependency, and distraction exactly as dependency, and distraction exactly as dependency, and distraction exactly as intended. Food Fix Uncensored pulls back intended. Food Fix Uncensored pulls back intended. Food Fix Uncensored pulls back the curtain on the collusion shaping the curtain on the collusion shaping the curtain on the collusion shaping your health, your choices, and your your health, your choices, and your your health, your choices, and your future. Because once you see how it future. Because once you see how it future. Because once you see how it works, you can never unsee it. Food Fix works, you can never unsee it. Food Fix works, you can never unsee it. Food Fix Uncensored, the truth they never meant Uncensored, the truth they never meant Uncensored, the truth they never meant for you to read. I love that you shared that. I I love I love that you shared that. I I love that you said that part of what you were that you said that part of what you were that you said that part of what you were doing that you probably didn't know you doing that you probably didn't know you doing that you probably didn't know you were doing at the time. This is from were doing at the time. This is from were doing at the time. This is from former CIA agent Andrew Bamonte and you former CIA agent Andrew Bamonte and you former CIA agent Andrew Bamonte and you mentioned it a little earlier which is mentioned it a little earlier which is mentioned it a little earlier which is the difference between perception and the difference between perception and the difference between perception and perspective. So most of us spend all day perspective. So most of us spend all day perspective. So most of us spend all day in our own perception. We are looking in our own perception. We are looking in our own perception. We are looking out of the world from our eyes through out of the world from our eyes through out of the world from our eyes through our lens and like I'm over here thinking our lens and like I'm over here thinking our lens and like I'm over here thinking okay is the mic working? Is it am I okay is the mic working? Is it am I okay is the mic working? Is it am I thirsty? Right? Those are those are and thirsty? Right? Those are those are and thirsty? Right? Those are those are and we are not spending even a fraction of we are not spending even a fraction of we are not spending even a fraction of time visiting perspective which would be time visiting perspective which would be time visiting perspective which would be what's it like over there for you? How what's it like over there for you? How what's it like over there for you? How are you feeling? Is the temperature okay are you feeling? Is the temperature okay are you feeling? Is the temperature okay for you? Right? That's another muscle to for you? Right? That's another muscle to for you? Right? That's another muscle to train. That's actually what you were train. That's actually what you were train. That's actually what you were doing when you were able to be like it's doing when you were able to be like it's doing when you were able to be like it's not like those thoughts go away. It's not like those thoughts go away. It's not like those thoughts go away. It's not like you're not thinking this is not like you're not thinking this is not like you're not thinking this is crazy. This is my friend's birthday. How crazy. This is my friend's birthday. How crazy. This is my friend's birthday. How could you be doing? You're thinking could you be doing? You're thinking could you be doing? You're thinking those thoughts. You just don't say them those thoughts. You just don't say them those thoughts. You just don't say them out loud. I didn't say them out loud and out loud. I didn't say them out loud and out loud. I didn't say them out loud and I was like, they don't really matter I was like, they don't really matter I was like, they don't really matter because she's having her experience and because she's having her experience and because she's having her experience and I'm not going to convince her otherwise. I'm not going to convince her otherwise. I'm not going to convince her otherwise. So, all I could do here is just like So, all I could do here is just like So, all I could do here is just like listen to what she's suffering with. listen to what she's suffering with. listen to what she's suffering with. >> That's right. >> That's right. >> That's right. >> Because I love her and I don't want her >> Because I love her and I don't want her >> Because I love her and I don't want her to feel this way. So, I care about her to feel this way. So, I care about her to feel this way. So, I care about her and I know she's having a moment. And and I know she's having a moment. And and I know she's having a moment. And no, yes, I did something that I said I no, yes, I did something that I said I no, yes, I did something that I said I wasn't going to do. I didn't include wasn't going to do. I didn't include wasn't going to do. I didn't include her. I didn't introduce her, but I was her. I didn't introduce her, but I was her. I didn't introduce her, but I was like, you know, on drugs and out of it like, you know, on drugs and out of it like, you know, on drugs and out of it and kind of overwhelmed and I just lost and kind of overwhelmed and I just lost and kind of overwhelmed and I just lost it for a minute. But it didn't matter. it for a minute. But it didn't matter. it for a minute. But it didn't matter. like all she needed was to be seen and like all she needed was to be seen and like all she needed was to be seen and heard and felt and to not have me heard and felt and to not have me heard and felt and to not have me >> even pres I didn't I I didn't even need >> even pres I didn't I I didn't even need >> even pres I didn't I I didn't even need to present my point of view. I wasn't to present my point of view. I wasn't to present my point of view. I wasn't like okay now I need you to get me like okay now I need you to get me like okay now I need you to get me >> and hear what my perspective is because >> and hear what my perspective is because >> and hear what my perspective is because it didn't matter in that moment and then it didn't matter in that moment and then it didn't matter in that moment and then then we went back and had a great time then we went back and had a great time then we went back and had a great time at the party. at the party. at the party. >> I mean this is this is one person goes >> I mean this is this is one person goes >> I mean this is this is one person goes at a time and maybe you maybe you never at a time and maybe you maybe you never at a time and maybe you maybe you never need her to hear your perspective but need her to hear your perspective but need her to hear your perspective but for some of us for some of us for some of us >> probably listen to the podcast >> but for some of us we will want our >> but for some of us we will want our perspective to be heard. So the key here perspective to be heard. So the key here perspective to be heard. So the key here is your perspective matters. You're is your perspective matters. You're is your perspective matters. You're putting it over to the side just for a putting it over to the side just for a putting it over to the side just for a minute while your partner gets to ex do minute while your partner gets to ex do minute while your partner gets to ex do exactly what I mean. This was such a exactly what I mean. This was such a exactly what I mean. This was such a good example, Mark. And then you get a good example, Mark. And then you get a good example, Mark. And then you get a turn. It's just not at the same time. turn. It's just not at the same time. turn. It's just not at the same time. And if you start to lose your capacity And if you start to lose your capacity And if you start to lose your capacity to be with the other person, to be in to be with the other person, to be in to be with the other person, to be in their perspective, to be like, "Oh, this their perspective, to be like, "Oh, this their perspective, to be like, "Oh, this is making sense to me. I mean, I don't is making sense to me. I mean, I don't is making sense to me. I mean, I don't agree with it, but like cool. Well, that agree with it, but like cool. Well, that agree with it, but like cool. Well, that makes sense. Given your world, your makes sense. Given your world, your makes sense. Given your world, your history, your traumas, your wounds, your history, your traumas, your wounds, your history, your traumas, your wounds, your patterns, it makes sense that that would patterns, it makes sense that that would patterns, it makes sense that that would hurt you. If you start to get out of hurt you. If you start to get out of hurt you. If you start to get out of that, right, you're now getting out of that, right, you're now getting out of that, right, you're now getting out of your window of tolerance. This is what I your window of tolerance. This is what I your window of tolerance. This is what I mean by starting to track it at like 20% mean by starting to track it at like 20% mean by starting to track it at like 20% versus being at 90%. So, here you are. versus being at 90%. So, here you are. versus being at 90%. So, here you are. You're starting to like, you know, maybe You're starting to like, you know, maybe You're starting to like, you know, maybe she's she's saying all these things and she's she's saying all these things and she's she's saying all these things and >> I have to breathe. >> I have to breathe. >> I have to breathe. >> Totally ground. I literally had to just >> Totally ground. I literally had to just >> Totally ground. I literally had to just like force myself into the earth. like force myself into the earth. like force myself into the earth. >> But you have you have to train that. Not >> But you have you have to train that. Not >> But you have you have to train that. Not all of us are Jedi ninjas like that, all of us are Jedi ninjas like that, all of us are Jedi ninjas like that, Mark. Like that. Mark. Like that. Mark. Like that. >> Trust me, this wasn't I had practiced >> Trust me, this wasn't I had practiced >> Trust me, this wasn't I had practiced this skill. It was something we have this skill. It was something we have this skill. It was something we have practiced, but it was it was like in a practiced, but it was it was like in a practiced, but it was it was like in a 10 out of 10 environment. So, we we 10 out of 10 environment. So, we we 10 out of 10 environment. So, we we practiced it in in moments where it practiced it in in moments where it practiced it in in moments where it wasn't so activated and that's easier wasn't so activated and that's easier wasn't so activated and that's easier when it's so when it's a 10 out of 10 when it's so when it's a 10 out of 10 when it's so when it's a 10 out of 10 emergency, you know, emergency, you know, emergency, you know, >> lights are off. Yeah. As it was. And so >> lights are off. Yeah. As it was. And so >> lights are off. Yeah. As it was. And so I, you know, I think what you're what I, you know, I think what you're what I, you know, I think what you're what you're talking about in terms of this you're talking about in terms of this you're talking about in terms of this this this ability to actually regulate this this ability to actually regulate this this ability to actually regulate and to get your nervous system in a and to get your nervous system in a and to get your nervous system in a place where you actually can have these place where you actually can have these place where you actually can have these conversations and then do the repair is conversations and then do the repair is conversations and then do the repair is so critical. And it's physiological so critical. And it's physiological so critical. And it's physiological first and then it's psychological. first and then it's psychological. first and then it's psychological. >> Yeah, that's exact. But we've been >> Yeah, that's exact. But we've been >> Yeah, that's exact. But we've been taught the opposite. taught the opposite. taught the opposite. >> The opposite. Exactly. Um, and I just >> The opposite. Exactly. Um, and I just >> The opposite. Exactly. Um, and I just want to say just to wrap that up for want to say just to wrap that up for want to say just to wrap that up for people who who are starting to lose people who who are starting to lose people who who are starting to lose stamina in those conversations where stamina in those conversations where stamina in those conversations where you're the listener and your hurt you're the listener and your hurt you're the listener and your hurt partner is saying some [ __ ] that you're partner is saying some [ __ ] that you're partner is saying some [ __ ] that you're like, "Okay, that that stung." Like, "I like, "Okay, that that stung." Like, "I like, "Okay, that that stung." Like, "I don't know if I can be here anymore." don't know if I can be here anymore." don't know if I can be here anymore." Your training ground is, "How can I Your training ground is, "How can I Your training ground is, "How can I start to notice when I'm starting to get start to notice when I'm starting to get start to notice when I'm starting to get disregulated?" And then you set disregulated?" And then you set disregulated?" And then you set boundaries. This is what I mean when I boundaries. This is what I mean when I boundaries. This is what I mean when I mean repair can actually be a one-person mean repair can actually be a one-person mean repair can actually be a one-person job. So, if your partner is talking to job. So, if your partner is talking to job. So, if your partner is talking to you in a way that doesn't work for you, you in a way that doesn't work for you, you in a way that doesn't work for you, what do you do? If you say, "Hey, can what do you do? If you say, "Hey, can what do you do? If you say, "Hey, can you actually say it this way? That would you actually say it this way? That would you actually say it this way? That would be really helpful." There's no way be really helpful." There's no way be really helpful." There's no way you're going to be able to do that if you're going to be able to do that if you're going to be able to do that if you're disregulated. You won't be able you're disregulated. You won't be able you're disregulated. You won't be able to say that. But if you're regulated, to say that. But if you're regulated, to say that. But if you're regulated, you can actually help your partner help you can actually help your partner help you can actually help your partner help you. you. you. >> If you start to lose it, if your >> If you start to lose it, if your >> If you start to lose it, if your partner's talking and you're just like, partner's talking and you're just like, partner's talking and you're just like, "Okay, this is way too much for me." "Okay, this is way too much for me." "Okay, this is way too much for me." Then this is where boundary practice Then this is where boundary practice Then this is where boundary practice works. So, either you're in repair work works. So, either you're in repair work works. So, either you're in repair work or you're in containment work. You're in or you're in containment work. You're in or you're in containment work. You're in you're in nervous system regulation or you're in nervous system regulation or you're in nervous system regulation or you're saying, "Hey, I actually need to you're saying, "Hey, I actually need to you're saying, "Hey, I actually need to go practice. I need to contain." go practice. I need to contain." go practice. I need to contain." >> What does that mean? So, you you set a >> What does that mean? So, you you set a >> What does that mean? So, you you set a boundary. We get boundaries really boundary. We get boundaries really boundary. We get boundaries really wrong. We think boundaries wrong. We think boundaries wrong. We think boundaries >> Oh, okay. Let's go into boundaries. >> Oh, okay. Let's go into boundaries. >> Oh, okay. Let's go into boundaries. >> Yeah. Well, we think boundaries, this is >> Yeah. Well, we think boundaries, this is >> Yeah. Well, we think boundaries, this is going to be pretty simple. We think going to be pretty simple. We think going to be pretty simple. We think boundaries have to do with someone else boundaries have to do with someone else boundaries have to do with someone else changing. Like, I'm like, "Hey, stop changing. Like, I'm like, "Hey, stop changing. Like, I'm like, "Hey, stop talking to me like that. That's my talking to me like that. That's my talking to me like that. That's my boundary, right?" But actually, my boundary, right?" But actually, my boundary, right?" But actually, my boundary is you're going to talk to me boundary is you're going to talk to me boundary is you're going to talk to me like that no matter what because I can't like that no matter what because I can't like that no matter what because I can't control you. Again, if you care about control you. Again, if you care about control you. Again, if you care about me, hopefully you won't, but I can't I me, hopefully you won't, but I can't I me, hopefully you won't, but I can't I can't ultimately control you. So, if you can't ultimately control you. So, if you can't ultimately control you. So, if you keep talking to me like that, I'm going keep talking to me like that, I'm going keep talking to me like that, I'm going to like, hey, this conversation so far, to like, hey, this conversation so far, to like, hey, this conversation so far, I haven't been I'm like I'm about to hit I haven't been I'm like I'm about to hit I haven't been I'm like I'm about to hit my edge. I actually need to leave the my edge. I actually need to leave the my edge. I actually need to leave the room and I need 10 minutes and I'll be room and I need 10 minutes and I'll be room and I need 10 minutes and I'll be back back back >> and I'll be back. But that's a boundary. >> and I'll be back. But that's a boundary. >> and I'll be back. But that's a boundary. The boundary is a way to take care of The boundary is a way to take care of The boundary is a way to take care of yourself. It has nothing to do with what yourself. It has nothing to do with what yourself. It has nothing to do with what you do over there. you do over there. you do over there. >> Yeah. Asking that person to change. >> Yeah. Asking that person to change. >> Yeah. Asking that person to change. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> As if we have way more power in repair >> As if we have way more power in repair >> As if we have way more power in repair than we think we do. We have it doesn't than we think we do. We have it doesn't than we think we do. We have it doesn't our partner it would be great if our our partner it would be great if our our partner it would be great if our partner can show up. Yes. But if our partner can show up. Yes. But if our partner can show up. Yes. But if our partner can't we can make requests and partner can't we can make requests and partner can't we can make requests and then if they meet those requests like then if they meet those requests like then if they meet those requests like 70% of the time that's pretty good. If 70% of the time that's pretty good. If 70% of the time that's pretty good. If they can get you and attune to you like they can get you and attune to you like they can get you and attune to you like 70% of the way that's pretty good. I 70% of the way that's pretty good. I 70% of the way that's pretty good. I like the 70%. like the 70%. like the 70%. >> 68. >> 68. >> 68. >> I don't think 68 is enough. You know >> I don't think 68 is enough. You know >> I don't think 68 is enough. You know >> I'm not like the Gutman's. You know 69 >> I'm not like the Gutman's. You know 69 >> I'm not like the Gutman's. You know 69 is just not going to cut it for me. I is just not going to cut it for me. I is just not going to cut it for me. I like a solid 70 heristic here. So you're like a solid 70 heristic here. So you're like a solid 70 heristic here. So you're e you're literally either practicing e you're literally either practicing e you're literally either practicing expanding your your capacity for expanding your your capacity for expanding your your capacity for tolerance, extending that window or tolerance, extending that window or tolerance, extending that window or practicing boundary work and none of practicing boundary work and none of practicing boundary work and none of this requires the other person. this requires the other person. this requires the other person. >> That's what I found in that in that >> That's what I found in that in that >> That's what I found in that in that moment. She didn't have to do anything moment. She didn't have to do anything moment. She didn't have to do anything except vent and be, you know, completely except vent and be, you know, completely except vent and be, you know, completely activated and I could just hold space activated and I could just hold space activated and I could just hold space and that's that was enough. And that's and that's that was enough. And that's and that's that was enough. And that's and it and even though in my mind I can and it and even though in my mind I can and it and even though in my mind I can think she's wrong, it doesn't matter think she's wrong, it doesn't matter think she's wrong, it doesn't matter who's right or wrong. Like someone said who's right or wrong. Like someone said who's right or wrong. Like someone said to me, do you want to be right or do you to me, do you want to be right or do you to me, do you want to be right or do you want to be in a relationship? want to be in a relationship? want to be in a relationship? >> Yeah. Who's right? Who's wrong? who >> Yeah. Who's right? Who's wrong? who >> Yeah. Who's right? Who's wrong? who cares? cares? cares? >> And we yeah, we get in this sort of >> And we yeah, we get in this sort of >> And we yeah, we get in this sort of rigid view that we have to be right or rigid view that we have to be right or rigid view that we have to be right or we have to convince our partner about we have to convince our partner about we have to convince our partner about the rightness of our perspective or our the rightness of our perspective or our the rightness of our perspective or our opinion or what they didn't do or what opinion or what they didn't do or what opinion or what they didn't do or what they did do. And there's just kind of no they did do. And there's just kind of no they did do. And there's just kind of no point in that. It doesn't serve point in that. It doesn't serve point in that. It doesn't serve anything. anything. anything. >> There's there's another great line by >> There's there's another great line by >> There's there's another great line by Terry Real that I just think I think he Terry Real that I just think I think he Terry Real that I just think I think he nails it with this one where he says nails it with this one where he says nails it with this one where he says there is no such there is no such thing there is no such there is no such thing there is no such there is no such thing as objective reality in a relationship. as objective reality in a relationship. as objective reality in a relationship. There are just two subjective truths There are just two subjective truths There are just two subjective truths happening at any given time. So, there's happening at any given time. So, there's happening at any given time. So, there's my experience over here, which is, "Hey, my experience over here, which is, "Hey, my experience over here, which is, "Hey, that thing that you said at dinner that thing that you said at dinner that thing that you said at dinner really hurt my feelings and that was really hurt my feelings and that was really hurt my feelings and that was messed up that you said that. I can't messed up that you said that. I can't messed up that you said that. I can't believe you said that." And then there's believe you said that." And then there's believe you said that." And then there's the other person who's like, "I just the other person who's like, "I just the other person who's like, "I just made a joke. I did." Like, there was made a joke. I did." Like, there was made a joke. I did." Like, there was nothing personal about that. That meant nothing personal about that. That meant nothing personal about that. That meant nothing. Nobody's right. And as long as nothing. Nobody's right. And as long as nothing. Nobody's right. And as long as we're fighting for that, we are going to we're fighting for that, we are going to we're fighting for that, we are going to get nowhere. There is no quote unquote get nowhere. There is no quote unquote get nowhere. There is no quote unquote truth in that experience. There's no And truth in that experience. There's no And truth in that experience. There's no And but if you're on that plane, if you're but if you're on that plane, if you're but if you're on that plane, if you're fighting on that plane, you're both fighting on that plane, you're both fighting on that plane, you're both going to lose. Because, by the way, if going to lose. Because, by the way, if going to lose. Because, by the way, if you win and your partner loses, you both you win and your partner loses, you both you win and your partner loses, you both lose. You have to go to bed with them lose. You have to go to bed with them lose. You have to go to bed with them not that night like you're both losing. not that night like you're both losing. not that night like you're both losing. >> That's right. So in this repair process >> That's right. So in this repair process >> That's right. So in this repair process like the first step is sort of one like the first step is sort of one like the first step is sort of one person at a time. Second step person at a time. Second step person at a time. Second step >> well do nothing. Do nothing is actually >> well do nothing. Do nothing is actually >> well do nothing. Do nothing is actually the f like you got to just you got to the f like you got to just you got to the f like you got to just you got to regulate. This is the capacity building. regulate. This is the capacity building. regulate. This is the capacity building. This is where you're not you're not This is where you're not you're not This is where you're not you're not bringing anything until hopefully you're bringing anything until hopefully you're bringing anything until hopefully you're regulated. So then you're regulated. You regulated. So then you're regulated. You regulated. So then you're regulated. You come back one person goes at a time. come back one person goes at a time. come back one person goes at a time. >> And then the being curious part. >> And then the being curious part. >> And then the being curious part. >> Then thenologist. >> Then thenologist. >> Then thenologist. >> Yes. That's right. This is where you're >> Yes. That's right. This is where you're >> Yes. That's right. This is where you're literally practicing differentiation literally practicing differentiation literally practicing differentiation here. You're practicing you are a here. You're practicing you are a here. You're practicing you are a separate person with separate ideas, separate person with separate ideas, separate person with separate ideas, beliefs, values, wounds, traumas. And beliefs, values, wounds, traumas. And beliefs, values, wounds, traumas. And because of that, I can look at you like because of that, I can look at you like because of that, I can look at you like an alien species because we're very an alien species because we're very an alien species because we're very different from one another. And I can different from one another. And I can different from one another. And I can learn to not take that personally. In learn to not take that personally. In learn to not take that personally. In order to do that, I have to expand my order to do that, I have to expand my order to do that, I have to expand my capacity for tension cuz you might say capacity for tension cuz you might say capacity for tension cuz you might say some [ __ ] that doesn't feel good. some [ __ ] that doesn't feel good. some [ __ ] that doesn't feel good. >> Right. >> Right. >> Right. >> Right. And if you say that, I want to be >> Right. And if you say that, I want to be >> Right. And if you say that, I want to be able to to either be with that and have able to to either be with that and have able to to either be with that and have it kind of roll off my back or ask you it kind of roll off my back or ask you it kind of roll off my back or ask you to say it differently. Or maybe that to say it differently. Or maybe that to say it differently. Or maybe that hurts so bad and it just pinged hurts so bad and it just pinged hurts so bad and it just pinged something in me that I can set a something in me that I can set a something in me that I can set a boundary and I can walk and I can pause boundary and I can walk and I can pause boundary and I can walk and I can pause and I can come back. and I can come back. and I can come back. >> I mean, interesting. I I when I was 18, >> I mean, interesting. I I when I was 18, >> I mean, interesting. I I when I was 18, I don't think I ever told you the story, I don't think I ever told you the story, I don't think I ever told you the story, but I I I was uh bullied a lot as a kid but I I I was uh bullied a lot as a kid but I I I was uh bullied a lot as a kid and uh you know, I was this sort of and uh you know, I was this sort of and uh you know, I was this sort of nerdy kid who read a lot of books. It nerdy kid who read a lot of books. It nerdy kid who read a lot of books. It served me well in the end. served me well in the end. served me well in the end. >> I hate thinking about being bullied, >> I hate thinking about being bullied, >> I hate thinking about being bullied, >> but it was fine. I'm good now. When I >> but it was fine. I'm good now. When I >> but it was fine. I'm good now. When I was I was traveling out west, I was 18 was I was traveling out west, I was 18 was I was traveling out west, I was 18 and I was camping in this kind of and I was camping in this kind of and I was camping in this kind of campsite outside of Bamp uh which was campsite outside of Bamp uh which was campsite outside of Bamp uh which was like this little town in in Alberta and like this little town in in Alberta and like this little town in in Alberta and in the Canadian Rockies and there was in the Canadian Rockies and there was in the Canadian Rockies and there was this British guy kind of older like this British guy kind of older like this British guy kind of older like probably 40s or maybe early 50s was just probably 40s or maybe early 50s was just probably 40s or maybe early 50s was just kind of a dick and he kind of was making kind of a dick and he kind of was making kind of a dick and he kind of was making fun of me and I was like and I just kind fun of me and I was like and I just kind fun of me and I was like and I just kind of felt initially I'm like hurt and of felt initially I'm like hurt and of felt initially I'm like hurt and upset and then I had this insight that upset and then I had this insight that upset and then I had this insight that really helped me navigate my life which really helped me navigate my life which really helped me navigate my life which is when someone is saying [ __ ] to you is when someone is saying [ __ ] to you is when someone is saying [ __ ] to you that's mean or hard or difficult or that's mean or hard or difficult or that's mean or hard or difficult or whatever it is um is either one of two whatever it is um is either one of two whatever it is um is either one of two things. Either it's their issue and things. Either it's their issue and things. Either it's their issue and they're projecting onto you and they they're projecting onto you and they they're projecting onto you and they just, you know, you can have curiosity just, you know, you can have curiosity just, you know, you can have curiosity and compassion for them or two and compassion for them or two and compassion for them or two maybe there's some nugget of their even maybe there's some nugget of their even maybe there's some nugget of their even though it's coming out in a messy though it's coming out in a messy though it's coming out in a messy package that is worth you looking at package that is worth you looking at package that is worth you looking at yourself for. So it's always a gift. In yourself for. So it's always a gift. In yourself for. So it's always a gift. In other words, like it's always a gift and other words, like it's always a gift and other words, like it's always a gift and it's hard to hold that, you know, but it's hard to hold that, you know, but it's hard to hold that, you know, but but you know, you kind of start out but you know, you kind of start out but you know, you kind of start out early on talking about this that early on talking about this that early on talking about this that relationships aren't this kind of fairy relationships aren't this kind of fairy relationships aren't this kind of fairy tale. They're a place for growth. So, tale. They're a place for growth. So, tale. They're a place for growth. So, they're a place where we evolve, where they're a place where we evolve, where they're a place where we evolve, where we wake up, where we learn about we wake up, where we learn about we wake up, where we learn about ourselves, where we can't do it on our ourselves, where we can't do it on our ourselves, where we can't do it on our own. You know, we can be very happy own. You know, we can be very happy own. You know, we can be very happy alone, but the minute you, you know, are alone, but the minute you, you know, are alone, but the minute you, you know, are in a relationship, all of a sudden, you in a relationship, all of a sudden, you in a relationship, all of a sudden, you kind of have to deal with things you kind of have to deal with things you kind of have to deal with things you haven't dealt with. And I think that's haven't dealt with. And I think that's haven't dealt with. And I think that's that's the beauty of it. It's also the that's the beauty of it. It's also the that's the beauty of it. It's also the hard part of it, but it's actually it's hard part of it, but it's actually it's hard part of it, but it's actually it's actually what makes relationships so actually what makes relationships so actually what makes relationships so amazing is that they're a vehicle for amazing is that they're a vehicle for amazing is that they're a vehicle for waking up. waking up. waking up. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And it doesn't mean you're ne going to >> And it doesn't mean you're ne going to >> And it doesn't mean you're ne going to stay together, but it means it's a stay together, but it means it's a stay together, but it means it's a vehicle to wake up and help each other vehicle to wake up and help each other vehicle to wake up and help each other evolve and grow. And if if that can be evolve and grow. And if if that can be evolve and grow. And if if that can be your northstar as a couple, I think then your northstar as a couple, I think then your northstar as a couple, I think then you you have an anchor that you're all you you have an anchor that you're all you you have an anchor that you're all both working towards. And it's not me both working towards. And it's not me both working towards. And it's not me against you. It's we're holding hands against you. It's we're holding hands against you. It's we're holding hands together, walking towards a place that's together, walking towards a place that's together, walking towards a place that's better for each of us, either together better for each of us, either together better for each of us, either together or alone. or alone. or alone. >> It's so beautifully put. I mean this is >> It's so beautifully put. I mean this is >> It's so beautifully put. I mean this is to just make a real roundabout way here to just make a real roundabout way here to just make a real roundabout way here into the third the third stage of into the third the third stage of into the third the third stage of relationships right you have the emerge relationships right you have the emerge relationships right you have the emerge you have the honeymoon stage you have you have the honeymoon stage you have you have the honeymoon stage you have the power struggle I mean what you're the power struggle I mean what you're the power struggle I mean what you're painting a picture of painting a picture of painting a picture of >> is interdependence this is this is >> is interdependence this is this is >> is interdependence this is this is >> it's so hard to get to that stage that >> it's so hard to get to that stage that >> it's so hard to get to that stage that place of I can exist fully and we can place of I can exist fully and we can place of I can exist fully and we can exist fully I don't lose myself in you I exist fully I don't lose myself in you I exist fully I don't lose myself in you I can appreciate you for your differences can appreciate you for your differences can appreciate you for your differences I can allow you to have the freedom that I can allow you to have the freedom that I can allow you to have the freedom that you want while also feeling the safety you want while also feeling the safety you want while also feeling the safety that's here right Um, that's that's here right Um, that's that's here right Um, that's interdependence. That's the stage that interdependence. That's the stage that interdependence. That's the stage that most of us never make it to because we most of us never make it to because we most of us never make it to because we get so stuck in the power struggle. And get so stuck in the power struggle. And get so stuck in the power struggle. And my hypothesis here is part of why it's my hypothesis here is part of why it's my hypothesis here is part of why it's hard for us to have that north star and hard for us to have that north star and hard for us to have that north star and make it there, is because we aren't make it there, is because we aren't make it there, is because we aren't practicing capacity building, which is practicing capacity building, which is practicing capacity building, which is the thing that allows us to get there. the thing that allows us to get there. the thing that allows us to get there. It's the thing that allows a really It's the thing that allows a really It's the thing that allows a really shitty fight to end up with. Okay, wait shitty fight to end up with. Okay, wait shitty fight to end up with. Okay, wait a second. I can self-reflect. I can take a second. I can self-reflect. I can take a second. I can self-reflect. I can take ownership that is mine but not more than ownership that is mine but not more than ownership that is mine but not more than what's mine and I can see the value in what's mine and I can see the value in what's mine and I can see the value in it. That's hard to do. We have to have it. That's hard to do. We have to have it. That's hard to do. We have to have healthy enough self-esteem that we're healthy enough self-esteem that we're healthy enough self-esteem that we're not pointing the finger and blaming not pointing the finger and blaming not pointing the finger and blaming outward or we're or we're not pointing outward or we're or we're not pointing outward or we're or we're not pointing the finger inward and blaming ourselves the finger inward and blaming ourselves the finger inward and blaming ourselves in order to get to a place where in order to get to a place where in order to get to a place where relationship to your point earlier relationship to your point earlier relationship to your point earlier around Annie Lala's dojo, right? This around Annie Lala's dojo, right? This around Annie Lala's dojo, right? This relationship dojo. In order for a relationship dojo. In order for a relationship dojo. In order for a relationship to deeply be a dojo, we relationship to deeply be a dojo, we relationship to deeply be a dojo, we have to be able to look inward. And then have to be able to look inward. And then have to be able to look inward. And then we also have to be able to say we also have to be able to say we also have to be able to say just as much as we say, "My neighbors just as much as we say, "My neighbors just as much as we say, "My neighbors [ __ ] stinks too," we have to also say, [ __ ] stinks too," we have to also say, [ __ ] stinks too," we have to also say, "And I'm I'm human just like the rest of "And I'm I'm human just like the rest of "And I'm I'm human just like the rest of us." Like, we have to be able to hold us." Like, we have to be able to hold us." Like, we have to be able to hold both of those pieces in order to get to both of those pieces in order to get to both of those pieces in order to get to the place where we can actually fulfill the place where we can actually fulfill the place where we can actually fulfill on that north star. on that north star. on that north star. >> Yeah. And it's it's something, you know, >> Yeah. And it's it's something, you know, >> Yeah. And it's it's something, you know, that just we don't have any guideposts that just we don't have any guideposts that just we don't have any guideposts for in society. And and I'm I'm kind of for in society. And and I'm I'm kind of for in society. And and I'm I'm kind of excited for your book to come out cuz I excited for your book to come out cuz I excited for your book to come out cuz I think people are are going to eat it up. think people are are going to eat it up. think people are are going to eat it up. >> I hope so. I mean, the the hope here is >> I hope so. I mean, the the hope here is >> I hope so. I mean, the the hope here is that we normalize how how hard that we normalize how how hard that we normalize how how hard relationships Actually, actually, let me relationships Actually, actually, let me relationships Actually, actually, let me let me just say what I actually want to let me just say what I actually want to let me just say what I actually want to normalize. uh another another colleague normalize. uh another another colleague normalize. uh another another colleague and mutual friend of ours um Jennifer and mutual friend of ours um Jennifer and mutual friend of ours um Jennifer and Brian Russell they have a line that and Brian Russell they have a line that and Brian Russell they have a line that I think is phenomenal where how they I think is phenomenal where how they I think is phenomenal where how they hold relationships is that hold relationships is that hold relationships is that it's not that we we we always say it's not that we we we always say it's not that we we we always say relationships are hard but it's not that relationships are hard but it's not that relationships are hard but it's not that relationships are hard it's that our relationships are hard it's that our relationships are hard it's that our personal work is hard and we get to do personal work is hard and we get to do personal work is hard and we get to do that inside of our relationship that inside of our relationship that inside of our relationship >> that's right that's right >> that's right that's right >> that's right that's right >> and I think that's such a beautiful way >> and I think that's such a beautiful way >> and I think that's such a beautiful way >> it's an opportunity versus a burden >> it's an opportunity versus a burden >> it's an opportunity versus a burden >> it's and so many of of us won't actually >> it's and so many of of us won't actually >> it's and so many of of us won't actually be fortunate enough to find somebody who be fortunate enough to find somebody who be fortunate enough to find somebody who to do this work with. There are people to do this work with. There are people to do this work with. There are people who are looking all over and haven't so who are looking all over and haven't so who are looking all over and haven't so if you're fortunate enough to be in a if you're fortunate enough to be in a if you're fortunate enough to be in a relationship and to be in it with relationship and to be in it with relationship and to be in it with somebody who's willing to do the work somebody who's willing to do the work somebody who's willing to do the work with you, that's a gift. Even if it is a with you, that's a gift. Even if it is a with you, that's a gift. Even if it is a pain in the ass, it's also this deep pain in the ass, it's also this deep pain in the ass, it's also this deep gift. And so I really want to normalize gift. And so I really want to normalize gift. And so I really want to normalize that it's okay to be in the thick of it. that it's okay to be in the thick of it. that it's okay to be in the thick of it. That is part of relationship. It's not That is part of relationship. It's not That is part of relationship. It's not outside of it. It is part of what love outside of it. It is part of what love outside of it. It is part of what love is. So, just getting kind of looped back is. So, just getting kind of looped back is. So, just getting kind of looped back for a minute on this capacity piece for a minute on this capacity piece for a minute on this capacity piece because this seems like a core skill. because this seems like a core skill. because this seems like a core skill. Like it's like if you want to be in Like it's like if you want to be in Like it's like if you want to be in relationship, it's like if you if you relationship, it's like if you if you relationship, it's like if you if you want to go and run a marathon, you have want to go and run a marathon, you have want to go and run a marathon, you have to actually train for it. You know, you to actually train for it. You know, you to actually train for it. You know, you know, I have to do this many miles every know, I have to do this many miles every know, I have to do this many miles every day and it's it's like there's a whole day and it's it's like there's a whole day and it's it's like there's a whole thing thing thing to build the capacity to be able to do to build the capacity to be able to do to build the capacity to be able to do that. How do you build the capacity to that. How do you build the capacity to that. How do you build the capacity to be in the heat of a relationship and to be in the heat of a relationship and to be in the heat of a relationship and to do the work without causing more harm do the work without causing more harm do the work without causing more harm and actually both of you progressing and actually both of you progressing and actually both of you progressing towards waking up and healing? towards waking up and healing? towards waking up and healing? >> So we talked about two critical pieces >> So we talked about two critical pieces >> So we talked about two critical pieces today. One is building these I call them today. One is building these I call them today. One is building these I call them kind of micro repairs which is building kind of micro repairs which is building kind of micro repairs which is building a space where you're a five or below a space where you're a five or below a space where you're a five or below >> where you're practicing this daily. You >> where you're practicing this daily. You >> where you're practicing this daily. You are literally like something comes up are literally like something comes up are literally like something comes up that just kind of stings and you that just kind of stings and you that just kind of stings and you consciously start to take a few breaths consciously start to take a few breaths consciously start to take a few breaths or notice what your body does or take or notice what your body does or take or notice what your body does or take yourself on a walk or do what you need yourself on a walk or do what you need yourself on a walk or do what you need to do to start to take care of yourself to do to start to take care of yourself to do to start to take care of yourself to be able to come back. You do those to be able to come back. You do those to be able to come back. You do those daily reps daily reps daily reps >> and it doesn't need to take long but >> and it doesn't need to take long but >> and it doesn't need to take long but like if you do those daily you are in like if you do those daily you are in like if you do those daily you are in >> I mean that's huge five breaths great >> I mean that's huge five breaths great >> I mean that's huge five breaths great and and another way to practice is and and another way to practice is and and another way to practice is perspective versus perception. So you're perspective versus perception. So you're perspective versus perception. So you're liter partner is talking to you. They're liter partner is talking to you. They're liter partner is talking to you. They're talking to you about their day. They're talking to you about their day. They're talking to you about their day. They're not even bringing something that you not even bringing something that you not even bringing something that you know you're not in a fight. They're know you're not in a fight. They're know you're not in a fight. They're talking to you about this is your talking to you about this is your talking to you about this is your practice ground where you're like, "Huh, practice ground where you're like, "Huh, practice ground where you're like, "Huh, what would it be like to think about my what would it be like to think about my what would it be like to think about my boss that way? I've never thought about boss that way? I've never thought about boss that way? I've never thought about my boss that way. That's what would it my boss that way. That's what would it my boss that way. That's what would it be like to think about my mom or my dad be like to think about my mom or my dad be like to think about my mom or my dad or my sibling that way? I get along or my sibling that way? I get along or my sibling that way? I get along really well with my sibling. But if I really well with my sibling. But if I really well with my sibling. But if I were in their shoes, so you're literally were in their shoes, so you're literally were in their shoes, so you're literally practicing putting yourself in somebody practicing putting yourself in somebody practicing putting yourself in somebody else's shoes. M else's shoes. M else's shoes. M >> if you practice just those two things, >> if you practice just those two things, >> if you practice just those two things, >> you are in really good shape. And then >> you are in really good shape. And then >> you are in really good shape. And then what I'd like to add on to that is once what I'd like to add on to that is once what I'd like to add on to that is once a week with your partner, set up a time a week with your partner, set up a time a week with your partner, set up a time where you two are literally practicing where you two are literally practicing where you two are literally practicing doing this work together where one doing this work together where one doing this work together where one person is the speaker or the her partner person is the speaker or the her partner person is the speaker or the her partner and one person is the listener and and one person is the listener and and one person is the listener and you're doing it outside of a level 10. you're doing it outside of a level 10. you're doing it outside of a level 10. You're bringing up something that's like You're bringing up something that's like You're bringing up something that's like once a week. Like again, we're in the once a week. Like again, we're in the once a week. Like again, we're in the middle of the scale here. Something middle of the scale here. Something middle of the scale here. Something that's around a five. that's not that's around a five. that's not that's around a five. that's not nothing, but isn't you're this you nothing, but isn't you're this you nothing, but isn't you're this you literally consider this practice so that literally consider this practice so that literally consider this practice so that when the inevitable big fights hit, when the inevitable big fights hit, when the inevitable big fights hit, >> you're not sitting there being like I >> you're not sitting there being like I >> you're not sitting there being like I have no idea what to do and now all of have no idea what to do and now all of have no idea what to do and now all of your mechanisms take over. But I imagine your mechanisms take over. But I imagine your mechanisms take over. But I imagine I imagine BA like if you do this I imagine BA like if you do this I imagine BA like if you do this consistently in a relationship over time consistently in a relationship over time consistently in a relationship over time that that the whole volume comes down that that the whole volume comes down that that the whole volume comes down and everything and that your capacity to and everything and that your capacity to and everything and that your capacity to do this much more fluidly, easily, do this much more fluidly, easily, do this much more fluidly, easily, quickly without the level of activation, quickly without the level of activation, quickly without the level of activation, without the nervous system getting out without the nervous system getting out without the nervous system getting out of control, without your amydala of control, without your amydala of control, without your amydala hijacking your entire body and brain hijacking your entire body and brain hijacking your entire body and brain that that actually even though these that that actually even though these that that actually even though these little maybe irritants or things won't little maybe irritants or things won't little maybe irritants or things won't go away, how you navigate them changes go away, how you navigate them changes go away, how you navigate them changes and and it becomes almost kind of like and and it becomes almost kind of like and and it becomes almost kind of like just very a soft part part of the just very a soft part part of the just very a soft part part of the relationship, not like this thing you're relationship, not like this thing you're relationship, not like this thing you're just fighting against every day. just fighting against every day. just fighting against every day. >> You will you will completely change if >> You will you will completely change if >> You will you will completely change if you take this on. This is if you take on you take this on. This is if you take on you take this on. This is if you take on building your your expansion for building your your expansion for building your your expansion for capacity, you will be more confident. capacity, you will be more confident. capacity, you will be more confident. You'll be more self- assured. Things You'll be more self- assured. Things You'll be more self- assured. Things will more easily roll off your back. And will more easily roll off your back. And will more easily roll off your back. And I don't mean roll off your back like I don't mean roll off your back like I don't mean roll off your back like you're rolling over and you're like this you're rolling over and you're like this you're rolling over and you're like this is that's not this because you're also is that's not this because you're also is that's not this because you're also learning to set boundaries, right? learning to set boundaries, right? learning to set boundaries, right? You're also because you're building the You're also because you're building the You're also because you're building the capacity to be brave enough to actually capacity to be brave enough to actually capacity to be brave enough to actually say something out loud that you would say something out loud that you would say something out loud that you would never say before because you're too never say before because you're too never say before because you're too scared of what they're going to think scared of what they're going to think scared of what they're going to think >> because you don't think you can handle >> because you don't think you can handle >> because you don't think you can handle them leaving or them you're building all them leaving or them you're building all them leaving or them you're building all of this capac this there is to me of this capac this there is to me of this capac this there is to me nothing more important. Well, there's nothing more important. Well, there's nothing more important. Well, there's also something in here that you're we also something in here that you're we also something in here that you're we haven't really explicitly named, which I haven't really explicitly named, which I haven't really explicitly named, which I think is so important, which is honesty think is so important, which is honesty think is so important, which is honesty in a relationship. Because it's those in a relationship. Because it's those in a relationship. Because it's those small things that get buried, never get small things that get buried, never get small things that get buried, never get said, never get shared that eat away in said, never get shared that eat away in said, never get shared that eat away in a relationship. And even if they're a a relationship. And even if they're a a relationship. And even if they're a little bit sticky to deal with in the little bit sticky to deal with in the little bit sticky to deal with in the moment, that ultimately that brings more moment, that ultimately that brings more moment, that ultimately that brings more clarity and connection by actually being clarity and connection by actually being clarity and connection by actually being honest. honest. honest. >> This is this is why you take one day a >> This is this is why you take one day a >> This is this is why you take one day a week to practice. So, you're literally week to practice. So, you're literally week to practice. So, you're literally you're like, it's like you're cleaning you're like, it's like you're cleaning you're like, it's like you're cleaning the dust off of a table every week, the dust off of a table every week, the dust off of a table every week, right? Once a week, you both go do it on right? Once a week, you both go do it on right? Once a week, you both go do it on different days, different days, different days, >> and it's a 10-minute conversation. You >> and it's a 10-minute conversation. You >> and it's a 10-minute conversation. You keep it short. You keep it time bound. keep it short. You keep it time bound. keep it short. You keep it time bound. So, for my avoidant friends or my people So, for my avoidant friends or my people So, for my avoidant friends or my people who don't love to process as much, uh who don't love to process as much, uh who don't love to process as much, uh you still you still you still >> naming no names. >> naming no names. >> naming no names. >> Yeah. Naming no names. No names. Um that >> Yeah. Naming no names. No names. Um that >> Yeah. Naming no names. No names. Um that that you can actually stay in your that you can actually stay in your that you can actually stay in your window of tolerance and you're not window of tolerance and you're not window of tolerance and you're not thinking this is going to go on forever. thinking this is going to go on forever. thinking this is going to go on forever. So if you create a structure where it's So if you create a structure where it's So if you create a structure where it's time bound, one person listens, one time bound, one person listens, one time bound, one person listens, one person's responds, the only job of person's responds, the only job of person's responds, the only job of excuse me, one person um speaks, one excuse me, one person um speaks, one excuse me, one person um speaks, one person listens. The only job of the person listens. The only job of the person listens. The only job of the person who is speaking is to just name person who is speaking is to just name person who is speaking is to just name what hurt and try and own your side of what hurt and try and own your side of what hurt and try and own your side of the street. The only job for the the street. The only job for the the street. The only job for the listener is to get their world, listener is to get their world, listener is to get their world, understand their perspective. And again, understand their perspective. And again, understand their perspective. And again, you could put any framework inside of you could put any framework inside of you could put any framework inside of this if you already use a framework. this if you already use a framework. this if you already use a framework. >> But it's not just listening and being >> But it's not just listening and being >> But it's not just listening and being silent. It's actually letting the other silent. It's actually letting the other silent. It's actually letting the other person know that you got them. person know that you got them. person know that you got them. >> Yes. And here's the thing. If we're >> Yes. And here's the thing. If we're >> Yes. And here's the thing. If we're practicing, sometimes we're starting at practicing, sometimes we're starting at practicing, sometimes we're starting at square one. Sometimes we're literally square one. Sometimes we're literally square one. Sometimes we're literally starting at I can listen and I can starting at I can listen and I can starting at I can listen and I can repeat back your words and that's about repeat back your words and that's about repeat back your words and that's about all I can do. all I can do. all I can do. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Like that's some people we're just >> Like that's some people we're just >> Like that's some people we're just starting there. That's not bad. That's starting there. That's not bad. That's starting there. That's not bad. That's just lack of practice. just lack of practice. just lack of practice. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Some people are going to be able to >> Some people are going to be able to >> Some people are going to be able to repeat back your words and do it with repeat back your words and do it with repeat back your words and do it with some hutbah, right? Like you can some hutbah, right? Like you can some hutbah, right? Like you can actually feel them and you're like, "Oh actually feel them and you're like, "Oh actually feel them and you're like, "Oh my god, I get where you're coming from." my god, I get where you're coming from." my god, I get where you're coming from." Some people it will sound like you're Some people it will sound like you're Some people it will sound like you're regurgitating. It's gonna be terrible. regurgitating. It's gonna be terrible. regurgitating. It's gonna be terrible. It's not like it's not. But you're This It's not like it's not. But you're This It's not like it's not. But you're This is a practice ground. This is literally is a practice ground. This is literally is a practice ground. This is literally a practice ground where the hurt partner a practice ground where the hurt partner a practice ground where the hurt partner says, "Hey, here's what I'd like from says, "Hey, here's what I'd like from says, "Hey, here's what I'd like from you. I'd like for I'd like for you to you. I'd like for I'd like for you to you. I'd like for I'd like for you to repeat back. I'd like for you to ask an repeat back. I'd like for you to ask an repeat back. I'd like for you to ask an open question. I'd like for you to um open question. I'd like for you to um open question. I'd like for you to um give me a hug after. I'd like for you to give me a hug after. I'd like for you to give me a hug after. I'd like for you to respond with one thing that makes sense respond with one thing that makes sense respond with one thing that makes sense to you, right? So, you can think about to you, right? So, you can think about to you, right? So, you can think about what you want and ask for it in a what you want and ask for it in a what you want and ask for it in a conversation. This is such a beautiful conversation. This is such a beautiful conversation. This is such a beautiful reframe of relationships from the reframe of relationships from the reframe of relationships from the fantasy love story live happily ever fantasy love story live happily ever fantasy love story live happily ever after Disneyland kind of romance to after Disneyland kind of romance to after Disneyland kind of romance to understanding relationships as a vehicle understanding relationships as a vehicle understanding relationships as a vehicle for growth and evolution of our souls for growth and evolution of our souls for growth and evolution of our souls and our and our emotional psychological and our and our emotional psychological and our and our emotional psychological state, right? And and that ultimately is state, right? And and that ultimately is state, right? And and that ultimately is going to get us to happiness. This other going to get us to happiness. This other going to get us to happiness. This other thing just kind of hijacks us and then thing just kind of hijacks us and then thing just kind of hijacks us and then we we we >> it doesn't exist. >> it doesn't exist. >> it doesn't exist. >> Doesn't exist, right? It doesn't exist, >> Doesn't exist, right? It doesn't exist, >> Doesn't exist, right? It doesn't exist, right? right? right? >> It doesn't exist. >> It doesn't exist. >> It doesn't exist. >> And so we have this fantasy and and >> And so we have this fantasy and and >> And so we have this fantasy and and that's why we're always struggling in that's why we're always struggling in that's why we're always struggling in relationships. This is such a beautiful relationships. This is such a beautiful relationships. This is such a beautiful framework. I want to spend a couple of framework. I want to spend a couple of framework. I want to spend a couple of minutes now after we've sort of gone minutes now after we've sort of gone minutes now after we've sort of gone through the this this repair framework through the this this repair framework through the this this repair framework and there's a lot more to come and and there's a lot more to come and and there's a lot more to come and everybody can we're going to talk about everybody can we're going to talk about everybody can we're going to talk about how to find more about it in a second. how to find more about it in a second. how to find more about it in a second. You you also work in psychedelic You you also work in psychedelic You you also work in psychedelic assisted couples therapy so people assisted couples therapy so people assisted couples therapy so people understand about anybody who's watched understand about anybody who's watched understand about anybody who's watched how to change your mind on Netflix or how to change your mind on Netflix or how to change your mind on Netflix or read Michael Pollen's book understands read Michael Pollen's book understands read Michael Pollen's book understands that there's a lot of therapies out that there's a lot of therapies out that there's a lot of therapies out there that are being used to help people there that are being used to help people there that are being used to help people deal with trauma one-on-one. But you're deal with trauma one-on-one. But you're deal with trauma one-on-one. But you're talking about relational psychedelic talking about relational psychedelic talking about relational psychedelic therapy, which is a very different therapy, which is a very different therapy, which is a very different understanding of how to use these understanding of how to use these understanding of how to use these compounds to help change dynamics. And compounds to help change dynamics. And compounds to help change dynamics. And Rick Dolin, who is a friend of both of Rick Dolin, who is a friend of both of Rick Dolin, who is a friend of both of ours who you work with, said to me, "I ours who you work with, said to me, "I ours who you work with, said to me, "I wouldn't still be married if I didn't do wouldn't still be married if I didn't do wouldn't still be married if I didn't do MDMA therapy with my wife." MDMA therapy with my wife." MDMA therapy with my wife." >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> So, can you kind of talk to us about >> So, can you kind of talk to us about >> So, can you kind of talk to us about what this promise is of this potential, what this promise is of this potential, what this promise is of this potential, what the limitations are? I think it's what the limitations are? I think it's what the limitations are? I think it's going to be probably soon approved by going to be probably soon approved by going to be probably soon approved by the FDA as a therapeutic modality for the FDA as a therapeutic modality for the FDA as a therapeutic modality for trauma and maybe for relational therapy. trauma and maybe for relational therapy. trauma and maybe for relational therapy. I don't know. But talk to us about, you I don't know. But talk to us about, you I don't know. But talk to us about, you know, the promise and the the pitfalls. know, the promise and the the pitfalls. know, the promise and the the pitfalls. >> Yeah. So to clarify, I do MDMA assisted >> Yeah. So to clarify, I do MDMA assisted >> Yeah. So to clarify, I do MDMA assisted um couples therapy research and I do um couples therapy research and I do um couples therapy research and I do that with uh in in conjunction with um that with uh in in conjunction with um that with uh in in conjunction with um Columbia University and MAPS. Right now Columbia University and MAPS. Right now Columbia University and MAPS. Right now a lot of what's been researched is MDMA a lot of what's been researched is MDMA a lot of what's been researched is MDMA for PTSD and trauma. And what we're for PTSD and trauma. And what we're for PTSD and trauma. And what we're looking at is what's happening in the looking at is what's happening in the looking at is what's happening in the underground and which is the underground and which is the underground and which is the practitioners who have been doing this practitioners who have been doing this practitioners who have been doing this for many many years. Some of whom have for many many years. Some of whom have for many many years. Some of whom have been doing it before it became illegal. been doing it before it became illegal. been doing it before it became illegal. What practices are they using and how What practices are they using and how What practices are they using and how can it actually benefit couples? So can it actually benefit couples? So can it actually benefit couples? So we're looking in the underground to give we're looking in the underground to give we're looking in the underground to give us some answers about what are best us some answers about what are best us some answers about what are best practices? What are protocols? What are practices? What are protocols? What are practices? What are protocols? What are how are people dosing? How are people how are people dosing? How are people how are people dosing? How are people using the therapy process within a using the therapy process within a using the therapy process within a couple's setting? Um the hope is that I couple's setting? Um the hope is that I couple's setting? Um the hope is that I mean listen what we understand about mean listen what we understand about mean listen what we understand about MDMA and I and I do research with MDMA MDMA and I and I do research with MDMA MDMA and I and I do research with MDMA specifically what we know about MDMA is specifically what we know about MDMA is specifically what we know about MDMA is that it takes away our ami our amydala's that it takes away our ami our amydala's that it takes away our ami our amydala's response which to your point earlier is response which to your point earlier is response which to your point earlier is going to be the response that is putting going to be the response that is putting going to be the response that is putting us into fight flight freeze etc us into fight flight freeze etc us into fight flight freeze etc >> puts a lizard in a cage >> puts a lizard in a cage >> puts a lizard in a cage >> that's a yes yes especially for people >> that's a yes yes especially for people >> that's a yes yes especially for people with entrenched really tough relational with entrenched really tough relational with entrenched really tough relational dynamics or trauma if we can just get a dynamics or trauma if we can just get a dynamics or trauma if we can just get a little space from that. If we can just little space from that. If we can just little space from that. If we can just get our amydala quieted just a little, get our amydala quieted just a little, get our amydala quieted just a little, it helps us do everything that we talked it helps us do everything that we talked it helps us do everything that we talked about today. It helps us listen to the about today. It helps us listen to the about today. It helps us listen to the other person's perspective, which puts other person's perspective, which puts other person's perspective, which puts an entirely new lens on what's happening an entirely new lens on what's happening an entirely new lens on what's happening relationally. It can it can change an relationally. It can it can change an relationally. It can it can change an entire dynamic. So what we see is entire dynamic. So what we see is entire dynamic. So what we see is because because MDMA lowers the amydala because because MDMA lowers the amydala because because MDMA lowers the amydala response and it's dumping all these response and it's dumping all these response and it's dumping all these feel-good chemicals. The hope is that feel-good chemicals. The hope is that feel-good chemicals. The hope is that what we're starting to see is that what we're starting to see is that what we're starting to see is that couples can use this in a one to three couples can use this in a one to three couples can use this in a one to three time session and with the right time session and with the right time session and with the right integration that they can actually reset integration that they can actually reset integration that they can actually reset their relationship and then start to new their relationship and then start to new their relationship and then start to new learn new patterns. For some of us the learn new patterns. For some of us the learn new patterns. For some of us the work that I'm talking about today it's work that I'm talking about today it's work that I'm talking about today it's just it's too entrenched. It's too hard. just it's too entrenched. It's too hard. just it's too entrenched. It's too hard. Our brains just cannot. And so for those Our brains just cannot. And so for those Our brains just cannot. And so for those people, NVMA assisted couples therapy people, NVMA assisted couples therapy people, NVMA assisted couples therapy when it's legal, like it will be an when it's legal, like it will be an when it's legal, like it will be an amazing resource. But again, I want to amazing resource. But again, I want to amazing resource. But again, I want to say it's not a panacea. And I have seen say it's not a panacea. And I have seen say it's not a panacea. And I have seen many people I know so many stories about many people I know so many stories about many people I know so many stories about people who do it and then they go back people who do it and then they go back people who do it and then they go back to their patterns because they think to their patterns because they think to their patterns because they think that they do the the drug once and all that they do the the drug once and all that they do the the drug once and all of a sudden it's going to everything's of a sudden it's going to everything's of a sudden it's going to everything's going to be and I've just seen it over going to be and I've just seen it over going to be and I've just seen it over and over where people and over where people and over where people >> but but in a way it allows you to be in >> but but in a way it allows you to be in >> but but in a way it allows you to be in that dynamic conversation that we're that dynamic conversation that we're that dynamic conversation that we're talking about for repair in a way that's talking about for repair in a way that's talking about for repair in a way that's downregulated and it sort of it's sort downregulated and it sort of it's sort downregulated and it sort of it's sort of of of >> physiologically changes you so you can >> physiologically changes you so you can >> physiologically changes you so you can actually be present. Yeah. actually be present. Yeah. actually be present. Yeah. >> And be curious and have an open heart >> And be curious and have an open heart >> And be curious and have an open heart and not shut down and not go into your and not shut down and not go into your and not shut down and not go into your reaction and not go into your fear. And reaction and not go into your fear. And reaction and not go into your fear. And that that really helps with that that really helps with that that really helps with understanding and compassion and healing understanding and compassion and healing understanding and compassion and healing I think. I think. I think. >> 100. Well, so and and if you can do that >> 100. Well, so and and if you can do that >> 100. Well, so and and if you can do that in a couple session and you start to in a couple session and you start to in a couple session and you start to bring to light, you sort of lift the bring to light, you sort of lift the bring to light, you sort of lift the baseline where now you can now you can baseline where now you can now you can baseline where now you can now you can see each other a little bit differently. see each other a little bit differently. see each other a little bit differently. You have a different understanding of You have a different understanding of You have a different understanding of the patterns that have been happening in the patterns that have been happening in the patterns that have been happening in your relationship before. If you can do your relationship before. If you can do your relationship before. If you can do that and then you layer in practices, that and then you layer in practices, that and then you layer in practices, tools, integration, right? Then all of tools, integration, right? Then all of tools, integration, right? Then all of the sudden like we're in a different the sudden like we're in a different the sudden like we're in a different place. And so, um, there's a clinic out place. And so, um, there's a clinic out place. And so, um, there's a clinic out of San Diego called Anamory, and they're of San Diego called Anamory, and they're of San Diego called Anamory, and they're working on a protocol right now with working on a protocol right now with working on a protocol right now with Rick, uh, around doing a pilot study to Rick, uh, around doing a pilot study to Rick, uh, around doing a pilot study to put couples through 6 to 12 couples put couples through 6 to 12 couples put couples through 6 to 12 couples through a protocol for this. So, we'll through a protocol for this. So, we'll through a protocol for this. So, we'll start to understand a little bit more. I start to understand a little bit more. I start to understand a little bit more. I mean, we don't have a lot of couples mean, we don't have a lot of couples mean, we don't have a lot of couples research. The only person really research. The only person really research. The only person really researching it is Annne Wagner out of um researching it is Annne Wagner out of um researching it is Annne Wagner out of um h there's a couple more but but she's h there's a couple more but but she's h there's a couple more but but she's done a lot of research but right now and done a lot of research but right now and done a lot of research but right now and she's out of Canada but right now a lot she's out of Canada but right now a lot she's out of Canada but right now a lot of the research is focused on PTSD even of the research is focused on PTSD even of the research is focused on PTSD even in a diatic approach. One person has in a diatic approach. One person has in a diatic approach. One person has come in with PTSD and or only one person come in with PTSD and or only one person come in with PTSD and or only one person the PTSD partner is the one taking it. the PTSD partner is the one taking it. the PTSD partner is the one taking it. And so we haven't done this with quote And so we haven't done this with quote And so we haven't done this with quote unquote healthy normals which what does unquote healthy normals which what does unquote healthy normals which what does that even mean? But with somebody who that even mean? But with somebody who that even mean? But with somebody who who's undiagnosed and that's the the who's undiagnosed and that's the the who's undiagnosed and that's the the hope is that this can also translate to hope is that this can also translate to hope is that this can also translate to people who don't have to have a people who don't have to have a people who don't have to have a diagnosis. diagnosis. diagnosis. >> Yeah. And who can just want to enhance >> Yeah. And who can just want to enhance >> Yeah. And who can just want to enhance their dynamic or their dynamic or their dynamic or >> enhance their understanding of each >> enhance their understanding of each >> enhance their understanding of each other or improve their relationship. I other or improve their relationship. I other or improve their relationship. I mean there's so many ways that this can mean there's so many ways that this can mean there's so many ways that this can be used. And I think you know um I'm be used. And I think you know um I'm be used. And I think you know um I'm glad we're starting to have these tools glad we're starting to have these tools glad we're starting to have these tools because you know historically we just because you know historically we just because you know historically we just had to you know white knock. had to you know white knock. had to you know white knock. >> Yeah. Yeah. Totally. >> Yeah. Yeah. Totally. >> Yeah. Yeah. Totally. >> Which is what we've been talking about >> Which is what we've been talking about >> Which is what we've been talking about breath and re like it's it's it's it's breath and re like it's it's it's it's breath and re like it's it's it's it's hard to know your mind. It's hard. I hard to know your mind. It's hard. I hard to know your mind. It's hard. I mean that's why I think you know mean that's why I think you know mean that's why I think you know meditation is such an incredible tool meditation is such an incredible tool meditation is such an incredible tool because most of us think we're both because most of us think we're both because most of us think we're both we're our thoughts and when meditation we're our thoughts and when meditation we're our thoughts and when meditation is a simple practice you sit there and is a simple practice you sit there and is a simple practice you sit there and you observe your thoughts and you try to you observe your thoughts and you try to you observe your thoughts and you try to quiet your breath and quiet your mind quiet your breath and quiet your mind quiet your breath and quiet your mind but inevitably thoughts come and go and but inevitably thoughts come and go and but inevitably thoughts come and go and you realize wait they're just like you realize wait they're just like you realize wait they're just like clouds floating on the horizon that clouds floating on the horizon that clouds floating on the horizon that these are just just chatter that isn't these are just just chatter that isn't these are just just chatter that isn't so substantive it's not real and so we so substantive it's not real and so we so substantive it's not real and so we deidentify with our thoughts and that's deidentify with our thoughts and that's deidentify with our thoughts and that's a very powerful thing I remember when I a very powerful thing I remember when I a very powerful thing I remember when I was 19 I did a 10day meditation retreat was 19 I did a 10day meditation retreat was 19 I did a 10day meditation retreat and we meditated for like 12 14 hours a and we meditated for like 12 14 hours a and we meditated for like 12 14 hours a day and at the end of that you know I day and at the end of that you know I day and at the end of that you know I just realized wow you like like there's just realized wow you like like there's just realized wow you like like there's my whole inner world that I constructed my whole inner world that I constructed my whole inner world that I constructed that I thought was you know concrete and that I thought was you know concrete and that I thought was you know concrete and real but it's just it's just like clouds real but it's just it's just like clouds real but it's just it's just like clouds and I don't have to attach to them. I and I don't have to attach to them. I and I don't have to attach to them. I don't have to believe them. My my friend don't have to believe them. My my friend don't have to believe them. My my friend uh Daniel Aemon says don't believe every uh Daniel Aemon says don't believe every uh Daniel Aemon says don't believe every stupid thought you have. stupid thought you have. stupid thought you have. >> That's great. That's great. >> That's great. That's great. >> That's great. That's great. >> You know and I think you know that's the >> You know and I think you know that's the >> You know and I think you know that's the power of of these practices. So when power of of these practices. So when power of of these practices. So when you're talking about capacity, there's you're talking about capacity, there's you're talking about capacity, there's lots of tools like meditation or other lots of tools like meditation or other lots of tools like meditation or other things that can be helpful or even like things that can be helpful or even like things that can be helpful or even like psychedelics can be very powerful. So psychedelics can be very powerful. So psychedelics can be very powerful. So >> absolutely there are so many ways to >> absolutely there are so many ways to >> absolutely there are so many ways to build your capacity. Meditation is a build your capacity. Meditation is a build your capacity. Meditation is a great one. I mean all what you're doing great one. I mean all what you're doing great one. I mean all what you're doing is again putting more time in between is again putting more time in between is again putting more time in between stimulus and response. stimulus and response. stimulus and response. >> And you're practicing that out of a >> And you're practicing that out of a >> And you're practicing that out of a level 10 trigger outside of a level 10 level 10 trigger outside of a level 10 level 10 trigger outside of a level 10 trigger which is trigger which is trigger which is >> so unrealistic for us to be able to do >> so unrealistic for us to be able to do >> so unrealistic for us to be able to do anything inside of do anything anything inside of do anything anything inside of do anything differently inside of. differently inside of. differently inside of. >> So I imagine people listening, okay, >> So I imagine people listening, okay, >> So I imagine people listening, okay, this sounds great. I don't know how to this sounds great. I don't know how to this sounds great. I don't know how to do this help. do this help. do this help. The good news is you've created a a web The good news is you've created a a web The good news is you've created a a web app. app. app. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> That allows you to take people through a >> That allows you to take people through a >> That allows you to take people through a process. So to unpack what you've done, process. So to unpack what you've done, process. So to unpack what you've done, what you created, and what you've made what you created, and what you've made what you created, and what you've made available to people, because I think available to people, because I think available to people, because I think >> everybody's flailing around searching. I >> everybody's flailing around searching. I >> everybody's flailing around searching. I mean, if you look at Instagram, it's mean, if you look at Instagram, it's mean, if you look at Instagram, it's like all this relationship advice. It's like all this relationship advice. It's like all this relationship advice. It's like, and I don't know how much of it's like, and I don't know how much of it's like, and I don't know how much of it's good or bad, but I I tune into your good or bad, but I I tune into your good or bad, but I I tune into your Instagram, which is Instagram, which is Instagram, which is >> Bea >> Bea >> Bea B A Y A V O C E. Yeah. So everybody B A Y A V O C E. Yeah. So everybody B A Y A V O C E. Yeah. So everybody check that out. Follow Bea. But in check that out. Follow Bea. But in check that out. Follow Bea. But in addition to that, she's got, and by the addition to that, she's got, and by the addition to that, she's got, and by the way, she does these amazing little way, she does these amazing little way, she does these amazing little brilliant clips that are just like brilliant clips that are just like brilliant clips that are just like little nuggets of gold that you could little nuggets of gold that you could little nuggets of gold that you could listen to in very short time and feel listen to in very short time and feel listen to in very short time and feel better afterwards cuz I certainly do and better afterwards cuz I certainly do and better afterwards cuz I certainly do and I know you. You're my closest friend. I I know you. You're my closest friend. I I know you. You're my closest friend. I still like listen, wow, that was good. still like listen, wow, that was good. still like listen, wow, that was good. Is this is this person actually my Is this is this person actually my Is this is this person actually my friend? She's so cool. friend? She's so cool. friend? She's so cool. >> I love you. >> I love you. >> I love you. >> And then and then and then tell us about >> And then and then and then tell us about >> And then and then and then tell us about this platform that you created for this platform that you created for this platform that you created for people. So, it's called the repair lab. people. So, it's called the repair lab. people. So, it's called the repair lab. And the idea is I do listen, I was And the idea is I do listen, I was And the idea is I do listen, I was getting so many DMs being like, "Help. getting so many DMs being like, "Help. getting so many DMs being like, "Help. What do I do?" And I was like, "I need What do I do?" And I was like, "I need What do I do?" And I was like, "I need to figure out how to work with more to figure out how to work with more to figure out how to work with more people. My private practice is full. I people. My private practice is full. I people. My private practice is full. I need to figure out how to work with more need to figure out how to work with more need to figure out how to work with more people." And so, I I launched this this people." And so, I I launched this this people." And so, I I launched this this membership program where you do we do membership program where you do we do membership program where you do we do monthly Q&As where you can literally monthly Q&As where you can literally monthly Q&As where you can literally write in and I'll answer questions and write in and I'll answer questions and write in and I'll answer questions and we'll go live and we'll talk about it. we'll go live and we'll talk about it. we'll go live and we'll talk about it. Um and then it also has a platform that Um and then it also has a platform that Um and then it also has a platform that will have all this content about the will have all this content about the will have all this content about the foundations of repair, around practices, foundations of repair, around practices, foundations of repair, around practices, around boundaries, around forgiveness, around boundaries, around forgiveness, around boundaries, around forgiveness, around all these tools that we need to around all these tools that we need to around all these tools that we need to build um to build our capacity to learn build um to build our capacity to learn build um to build our capacity to learn repair. And then I've developed a repair repair. And then I've developed a repair repair. And then I've developed a repair AI app so you can literally get on at AI app so you can literally get on at AI app so you can literally get on at any time and you can if you're in the any time and you can if you're in the any time and you can if you're in the middle of freaking out, you can be like, middle of freaking out, you can be like, middle of freaking out, you can be like, "What do I do?" And it can help you. And "What do I do?" And it can help you. And "What do I do?" And it can help you. And that's built off of my, you know, my that's built off of my, you know, my that's built off of my, you know, my work, a lot of other professionals work, a lot of other professionals work, a lot of other professionals worked and I just kind of combined it worked and I just kind of combined it worked and I just kind of combined it into this repair app to help you because into this repair app to help you because into this repair app to help you because what I found was that, you know, maybe what I found was that, you know, maybe what I found was that, you know, maybe you don't have therapy booked until next you don't have therapy booked until next you don't have therapy booked until next week or you don't and so in the heat of week or you don't and so in the heat of week or you don't and so in the heat of the moment it's really hard. You just the moment it's really hard. You just the moment it's really hard. You just need something to so you can call it or need something to so you can call it or need something to so you can call it or text it and it will help you get through text it and it will help you get through text it and it will help you get through and and it's a membership program and and and it's a membership program and and and it's a membership program and we're launching it right now. So it's we're launching it right now. So it's we're launching it right now. So it's brand new. So, it's exciting because the brand new. So, it's exciting because the brand new. So, it's exciting because the people who are getting in on the ground people who are getting in on the ground people who are getting in on the ground floor like I'm getting feedback. We're floor like I'm getting feedback. We're floor like I'm getting feedback. We're like you're helping me build it because like you're helping me build it because like you're helping me build it because I want to know how to build it with you. I want to know how to build it with you. I want to know how to build it with you. So, you can just go to bayavoce.com. B A So, you can just go to bayavoce.com. B A So, you can just go to bayavoce.com. B A Y A V O C E. Y A V O C E. Y A V O C E. >> How do they find it again? >> How do they find it again? >> How do they find it again? >> So, you go to my website bayavoce.com >> So, you go to my website bayavoce.com >> So, you go to my website bayavoce.com which is just b a y a v oce and you can which is just b a y a v oce and you can which is just b a y a v oce and you can find it and sign up find it and sign up find it and sign up >> and we'll put in the show notes. We'll >> and we'll put in the show notes. We'll >> and we'll put in the show notes. We'll put the link and you know your website put the link and you know your website put the link and you know your website has a beautiful quote on the front which has a beautiful quote on the front which has a beautiful quote on the front which is we're taught how to fall in love but is we're taught how to fall in love but is we're taught how to fall in love but not how to stay there. And so if you not how to stay there. And so if you not how to stay there. And so if you want to stay there, check out Bea's want to stay there, check out Bea's want to stay there, check out Bea's work, check out her repair lab, check work, check out her repair lab, check work, check out her repair lab, check out her Instagram, and her new book. out her Instagram, and her new book. out her Instagram, and her new book. Stay tuned because that's coming out. Stay tuned because that's coming out. Stay tuned because that's coming out. It's gonna be a blockbuster. I know it It's gonna be a blockbuster. I know it It's gonna be a blockbuster. I know it is. And hopefully she'll let me write is. And hopefully she'll let me write is. And hopefully she'll let me write the forward. the forward. the forward. >> Anyway, I love you. Thanks for being on >> Anyway, I love you. Thanks for being on >> Anyway, I love you. Thanks for being on the podcast. And uh hope you all the podcast. And uh hope you all the podcast. And uh hope you all listening got some useful information listening got some useful information listening got some useful information about how to uh stay in love, not just about how to uh stay in love, not just about how to uh stay in love, not just fall in love. fall in love. fall in love. >> If you loved that last video, you're >> If you loved that last video, you're >> If you loved that last video, you're going to love the next one. Check it out going to love the next one. Check it out going to love the next one. Check it out here.