The Science of Talking | Maryellen MacDonald

Key Takeaway

Talking isn't just communication—it's a cognitive tool that helps us focus, learn, and regulate emotions. When you articulate something out loud or in writing, you're not just expressing what you already know; you're clarifying and encoding it more deeply. The simple act of naming your goals, describing what you're looking for, or labeling your emotions makes them more concrete, memorable, and manageable. Start today: when searching for your keys, say "keys" out loud. When planning a task, verbalize your strategy. When feeling upset, name the specific emotion. These small acts of self-talk focus your attention and increase your chances of success.

Episode Overview

Neuroscientist Mary Ellen McDonald discusses the hidden benefits of talking—including self-talk, writing, and conversation—beyond mere communication. She explains how deliberate talking helps us focus attention, learn more effectively, regulate emotions, and even protect against dementia. The conversation explores practical strategies for harnessing talking as a cognitive tool for everyday tasks, goal achievement, and emotional well-being.

Full Transcript

Transcript of The Science of Talking | Maryellen MacDonald from 10% Happier. Auto-generated from episode audio; may contain minor errors.

Mary Ellen McDonald, welcome to the show. show. show. Thanks. It's great to be here. It's great to have you here. So, let me ask you just to start here to describe your basic thesis. Sure. Sure. Sure. So, in my book, I talk about the hidden side of talking. So for talking I'm referring to speaking what we're doing now writing which is also a form of talking uh signing in a sign language and even talking to ourselves in our head and we think about talking as being of course for communication and that's not wrong but unbeknownst to lots of people there are these hidden sides of talking that are extremely beneficial.

for us, for the talker, who's ever doing the talker talking. Talking focuses our attention. It helps us learn better. It helps regulate our emotions. It helps bring clarity to our thoughts, especially in times of emotional turmoil. It helps kids get ready for school and thinking and being alert and ready to plan and and all of that and it protects us from dementia. So So So all of those things are kind of separate from us talking to each other and sharing information and I wanted to convey that in my book.

So there's this thing that all of us are doing every day talking whether it's self-t talk to other people writing signing we're all doing this thing that has hidden benefits uh if used in a more deliberate and thoughtful way thoughtful way thoughtful way right especially if used in a more deliberate and thoughtful way. But those benefits can come from just everyday talking as well. So we're getting the benefits anyway, but we can maximize them by taking a few strategic steps. strategic steps. strategic steps. That's right.

That's right. That's right. Why is talking harder than listening or understanding? understanding? understanding? Talking is harder than listening because it's a kind of action. So here's an extreme example. It's much easier to watch somebody run a marathon than actually run a marathon. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, that's sort of obvious. But talking is a bunch of actions, too. The muscle movements are pretty small. But in order to do what I'm doing right now, I have to make an internal plan of what I'm going to say. So, for example, if I wanted to say I might go to a restaurant or something and I want to say, um, I'll have the special with fries and a lemonade.

Now, that's a really simple sentence, but in order to say that sentence, I have to get all of those words out of my long-term memory. So, special fries, lemonade, I'll have all that stuff. And I have to get those 10 words, whatever it was, out of 50 to a 100,000 words that I have in my memory. And only those 10 words. If you pull up all sorts of other words, you'll gum the whole thing up. So there's this very intense focusing activity that talking requires to pull what we want out of memory to convert the desire for the special and lemonade to actual words.

And this conversion process is quite complex and effortful. And that's what makes talking harder than listening. So talking requires a lot of heavy cognitive lifting and you argue in the book that that uh to a certain extent applies even to baby talk um among babies. That's right. So little babies even before they're talking I call it like pre-talking pre-talking pre-talking uh are doing heavy lifting and they are doing several important cognitive activities when they're babbling away and some of it is social. they are actively trying to get the attention of the adults or the other humans or maybe the dog around them and get that other organism, human, dog, whatever, to engage with them.

So, they are doing all of this important social action. They're not passive little sponges waiting for things to happen to them. They're using their own pre-talking to engage with the world. And also they're using their pre-talking to help tune their brains to pay attention to the language or languages that they're hearing in their environment. So their tongue movements and their whole vocal tract movements here are silently imitating what they're hearing. And those movements help them figure out what kinds of sounds the languages around them are being produced and help them focus on those languages.

So the talking pre-talking helps their language acquisition. language acquisition. language acquisition. It's really interesting. the the book is filled with practical ways that we can you know sort of maximize this thing that again we are all doing every day to get all of the advertised benefits including you know with dementia protection and emotion regulation and decision-m etc etc. Um, one of the things you recommend, and we're going to dive into uh many many of the things you recommend, but one of the things you recommend, and this this just seems like interpersonal hygiene, is not to finish other people's sentences compulsively.

You know, there are some people who when I listen to them talk, it's annoying because they take a long time to [ __ ] spit it out and um and I want to, you know, smack them on the head or finish Yeah. finish it for them. But you're saying actually that's not a you're you're kind of denying other people the benefits that we can get from talking if you take away their right to talk. Right. Right. So really, it's it's pretty rude, I think, in every culture that I know of, to finish people's sentences relentlessly.

Occasionally, it's fine to help somebody out, but uh the our ability as listeners to finish other people's sentences really reflects the difficulty, the greater difficulty of talking and the slowness of talking compared to um listening. So, there are probably listeners of this podcast who have speeded up the podcast. No offense to you or to me, but we're talking more slowly than they can listen and they've got it cranked up to better accommodate their own faster listening abilities. Yeah, I get that. And I don't think that's rude at all.

But what what is rude is and I and I again I think this this conversation and preparing for this conversation has sensitized me to this that when I'm feeling the urge to finish somebody else's sentence it's it's because I'm sitting in the privilege of being the e in the easier spot. Right. Right. And you know, you can try to stifle yourself everybody if you if you get in that spot and it's probably the polite thing to do. Yeah. Okay. So, let's get into some of the the practical um strategies for for you know harnessing this every everyday activity to our own benefit.

You have a whole chapter about the power of self-talk and how to use talking to yourself to help with everyday tasks. So the people who have who know the most about harnessing self-t talk I think are athletes because they are in high power situations and uh athletic victory means money and they have coaches and a whole infrastructure designed to help them get everything out of their athletic performance and a lot of that is coaching them on self-talk and that kind of coaching is uh sometimes about emotion regulation.

It's sometimes about strategy. Uh it's reminding helping them remember what they're supposed to be doing on the court or in the race and so on. And the rest of us can similarly gain benefits from self-t talk, but we don't know about it so much. Well, I was just thinking, let's imagine somebody who has to finish something. It might be a race, but it also might be a report or something for their work. And talking about the fact that they have to finish and talking about their strategy for getting it done will increase the chances that they actually do get it done.

They say, "Oh, I've got to finish this report by this afternoon, and it's this middle section that's really bugging me, and I think I need to get my colleague to look at it, or some other strategy." Having done that, having retrieved the words, finish the report and colleague and all of that stuff, you focused your attention on the job that you have to do. And studies show that you will be more likely to in follow through on it, more likely to pay attention to it, more likely to focus on the parts that you've mentioned and so on.

There's limits like I can't say I want to be an astronaut and I can't that won't focus my attention to being an astronaut and make me an astronaut. But for the talking nudges you down the road in reasonable but significant ways. It won't take something out of nothing like making me an astronaut, but it does a lot. So So you're saying that I guess I'm trying to figure out um back to interpersonal hygiene. I don't want to walk around boring everybody with my to-do list. So, how far do I want to take talking about the things I need to do in order to focus the mind on the things I need to do?

There absolutely are strategies that people need to think about there. Um, I'm a person that talks to myself probably too much and people do call me out on it and it is rude to spend time thinking about this upcoming awkward thing that I need to think about um when I should be paying attention to the friends that I'm talking to. So definitely you want to do your self-t talk in a situation where you don't have talking to other people going on that maybe in the case of this finishing report idea.

You're in your office in front of your computer. You don't have other people around and you're going to talk to yourself. You're going to write it down or you're going to talk in your head or you could say it out loud if you've got a quiet enough office um what your strategy is going to be. But you do want to use it strategically both to help you but also not to be rude to other people. Yeah. Uh so to do to to-do lists count in this regard?

regard? regard? I think so. Yeah. I mean writing is a form of talking and to-do lists are very helpful and they are obviously an external reminder and that's a very useful thing when you come back to them two days later. But they're also focusing your attention on your goals. So many people, certainly included be writes a short grocery list down before going to the grocery of for the things that are a little unusual. And I've left that list at home I don't know how many times.

But the act of having written down that I needed these three unusual things makes it much more likely that I will actually remember those things. even though it turns out the list isn't there for me. So the act of creating the list is a great first step to focusing attention. Staying with this idea of using selft talk with with tasks I believe you recommend that even when you're looking for your keys for example to talk about looking for the keys internally or even to say it out loud if you're not embarrassed that other people are watching you um can help.

Yes. So studies show that when you are looking for something um like in fact many of the some of the studies are people looking for products on the grocery store shelves and so looking for something like keys or products saying the thing is actually helpful. And why would it work? Because you're saying the word keys, that helps you bring up the p mental picture of your own keys, not some random generic key, but what your keys look like. And having a target visual idea of what you are searching for actually will help you on average find them faster.

Whether it is going to be life-changing finding your keys in 43 seconds versus a minute and a half. Well, it's still a real real difference. Yeah, it depends how late you are, right? Exactly. right? Exactly. right? Exactly. But I I would imagine where we're using a simple example of looking for your car keys, but it's scalable into more complex situations. complex situations. complex situations. That's right. So, anything that you need to focus on, it could be something you're looking for like the simple example of a car keys.

It could be something that you are planning to do like the report and it also could be something long-term that you're planning. So you aim to go to college and you aim to have this major and you aim to have this job afterwards. There are these amazing studies that ask people who have chosen a path already and in the one I'll tell you about are students who were majoring in STEM. So the science one of the science fields. So medical uh chemical engineering um biology um all of those that group science, medicine, technology, engineering.

And in those experiments, people asked the students in their freshman year, in their freshman chemistry class, chemistry class, chemistry class, half of them were asked to write about some of the chemistry topics that they were having in the class and the other half were asked to reflect about their choice to be a STEM major and why it is that they have chosen it and how this particular where chemistry class and the major are going to affect their lives. And so the act of writing all this down, a form of talking, is an act of reflection about their choices.

And the studies show that the people who were reflecting in three essays in freshman chemistry chemistry chemistry 2 and a half years later when they were juniors had stuck with the major significantly more than the people who had just written about the chemistry topic. And so the act of talking about a goal and reflecting on it has real benefits for long-term planning and long-term perseverance. long-term perseverance. long-term perseverance. And that's a much bigger effect than finding your keys. Although if you need to get your keys to get to chemistry class, then that's another thing, right?

Everything's connected. So two things are coming to mind as I'm listening to to you talk. One is that very frequently guests on this show will talk about the overweing importance of identifying and articulating to yourself and sometimes when useful uh to others your values as a north star and as a bone level uh cellular level reminder of what matters to you along those lines. I think um and I initially uh kind of rejected as is my want uh this whole body of work um because it's struck me as cheesy um but intention setting you know reminding yourself of like what every day you know for example I remind myself you know what's my job on the planet um as a way of articulating to myself here this this is what I'm all about those two things are coming to mind as I'm listening to talk about the essays that people wrote at the beginning of those um engineering ing classes.

Does it feel to you that I'm making an appropriate connection here? I think so. So, the the students who were asked to talk about how their major was going to fit into their life goals didn't absolutely have to say what their life values were, but many of them would have done so because they want to they say things like, "I want to help the community. I'm a minority and there's not enough doctors in my community and I want to help my community and and those are absolutely ways of expressing values and um similarly there's all sorts of research about people keeping a journal which doesn't necessarily have to but often can have these qualities of expressing their values.

I had people write in their journal about some conflict at work today and they could very much say how the conflict affected was affected by their values and they didn't share the values of their coworker. And so um there are definitely ways to deliberately express your values every day and think about those. And then there are these other kinds of talking environments like journaling which probably very naturally uh include expressing values and attitudes that are also ways to be really beneficial. I think it's possible and we'll see if you agree that there's more to say about the value of journaling as a form of talking as a form of selft talk really journaling and it's sometimes called expressive writing.

H how um how yeah so what what more should we say about that? So journaling and and particularly Jamie Pennaker's expressive writing because he had this variant of journaling by that was writing about something emotionally bothersome shall we say and writing about the event and the emotions that uh were evoked and thinking forward and thinking backward and doing that not necessarily forever as journaling could in principle be forever but doing it for a number of days in a row for 20 30 minutes a day and uh it is a form of journaling.

It's just sort of more compressed with a a particular set of instructions to focus on the emotional resonance of whatever incident is bothering the person. Journaling in general and the expressive writing variant of it have been studied enormously and journaling uh is and expressive writing is associated with better physical health, mental health, calm and acceptance. Like many men, I've been using the same razors pretty much my whole life. So, it was really cool to try a new brand recently. It's a company called Hensen, and they've got these old school razors that are super cool.

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journaling. journaling. Why? What do you what's the explanation for these positive effects? I think the positive effects are having to do with reflection and bringing to mind something in the past that is useful and having the space to talk about it. You know Joan Ddian who wrote I don't know whether she kept a journal but she wrote essays enormous numbers of essays and she said I write entirely to figure out what I'm thinking. M thinking. M thinking. M and the journaling, even if you don't publish it like Joan Ddian, has that effect.

It turns kind of amorphous ideas, often swirling around with emotion, into more concrete, reasoned reasoned reasoned ideas about what it is you're doing in this world and how you're relating to other people. So, let me just expand on that a little bit. There's a lot of evidence that talking about something makes it more discreet and able to be accessed by your conscious mind. So if you for example witness a crime and the police interview you and you talk about the what you thought is the perpetrator of the crime, you can you got an image of him or her in your head and then you say something round face, dark hair, so tall, few other things.

mentioning certain features of your visual memory makes those features very clear and memorable to you. to you. to you. And that's the sort of thing that I think is happening in journaling. You've got swirling emotions. You've got feelings of that you're not quite sure what you think. And the act of writing it down makes those ideas more discreet and more clear and more able to be thought about later and coming back to your previous entry and writing some more about it. That's that's letting you process if you like.

But more than process the things you're writing about, you're making them clearer and more accessible to your mind. Yeah. Yeah. And I think when you move out of a kind of vague or mismatic sense of dread, fear, sadness, and and you're you're unburdening yourself and making your thoughts about the subject much clearer and therefore more manageable and workable. You know, it's just it's a a healing and helpful process. Along those lines, you also in your book mention that another aspect of self-t talk that can be very helpful is to get more detailed and accurate and granular in terms of describing our difficult emotions.

emotions. emotions. That's right. So, lots of people can say, "Oh, I'm so upset." But they don't necessarily necessarily necessarily know what upset means. It might mean afraid, angry, disappointed, worried, and many more specific things. And in fact, we don't often talk about our emotions, our own emotions very much. It's a funny thing. We often say, "Oh, I just got off the phone with my brother and I'm so mad at him." So, you've said a little bit about anger there, but often we let the emotional tone of our voice, the pitch and the intonation convey some emotional information rather than actually naming the emotions we feel like worry or anger.

And so it takes a bit of work sometimes to get beyond this kind of amorphous upset situation to being I'm actually scared and worried and also angry. And people have to dig to do that. But when they are encouraged to dig and figure out that exactly what upset is meaning here, they are able to obviously clarify their thinking because it's become now concrete that they are up not just upset but actually angry and worried. But also um naming emotions quiets activity in the lyic system in our brain which is relevant to the flight or fright relevant to the flight or fight aspects of regulating emotions.

And by quieting the lyic system, we're able to think about the systemic the situation more rationally and not have overwhelming fly off the handle kind of reactions. I just got kind of what you just said to me takes me right back to this point that talking about our [ __ ] makes us feel better about the [ __ ] and even if it's talking to ourselves about it but can be particularly helpful to process in front of somebody else who can you know hear you out and ask clarifying questions um which brings me to this question which is uh some people really resist talking about their stuff I think historically I've been that type of person my wife asks me how you doing fine fine fine you know, or grunt some sort of non-answer.

I have an 11-year-old son. It is often very difficult to get him to talk about his stuff. What do you recommend? And maybe you don't have any recommendations. Maybe this is just one of life's vexations that there's nothing we can do about. What possibly could you recommend to help us help other people who seem resistant to talking about their stuff? their stuff? their stuff? Right. Right. Right. So So So you pro it's it's tough to force an 11-year-old to talk about themselves or even a you know 41year-old.

Um Um Um sometimes people who won't talk to other people about their emotional situations will be talked into doing some form of journaling. Maybe not. Maybe they if they don't want to write stuff down, they could possibly record things on their phone just for themselves. They could talk in their head. They could type it on their phone or on their computer. There's a lot of ways to talk to yourself. Um, and in fact, a lot of therapists encourage people to journal, not because the therapist is going to read the journal, but because the act of journaling itself is is an act of reflection that turns out to help people more.

It's hard to get a tculent person to change their habits, but that's one route possibly. Um, other roots you can maybe be persistent. I, you know, it's tricky. I I think you're right. It's a tricky thing for somebody who has very deep-seated habits of not talking about how they're feeling. Trying to get them to do something that is um against all their habits. It's possible that since we've talked about it, expressive writing is a root to it because it's not a lifetime or experience. Expressive writing is often asking somebody to do 20 minutes a day for three days.

And somebody who can't get past the idea of writing in a journal every single day could possibly get to the point of maybe writing about one thing for 3 days. So yeah. yeah. yeah. Okay. So moving on, there's there's this this whole chapter on how we can use talking to learn better. And this is of course not just for students. This is for all of us. we all need to learn in order to imp continue to uh grow and improve and and excel and perform at our best.

You start by talking about a myth that you call the understanding equals learning myth. Can you talk about what that is? that is? that is? Yeah. So, you're listening to a documentary or you're a student in class and you hear something that um seems pretty interesting to you and you are aware that you understood it and people typically believe that if they've understood it, they've learned it. That that's the myth. It's a myth because your conscious feeling about understanding is not the same thing as learning.

Learning happens usually overnight overnight overnight when memories from events and facts and whatever of the day are laid down in our permanent long-term memory by this piece of the brain called the hippocampus. And the hippocampus never tells us what it's doing. It obviously doesn't record every experience of every millisecond of our days. It selectively encodes things that we have engaged with or seem important to us. And the fact that we've heard something and understood it and maybe thought it was pretty interesting doesn't guarantee that we'll have learned it.

What does help us learn is engaging with it more. it more. And the the best way to engage with it is to talk about it to yourself some more or ideally with somebody else because if it's an interesting thing, you probably want to tell them about it. So by talking about it, you've engaged with it and you've increased the chance that the hippocampus is going to consider this to be important stuff and have you learn it. But the immediate understanding part, if you never interact with it again, is probably going to be gone.

I was at a um an event recently where I spoke very briefly and I said something about Buddhism and said one of my friends was at the event said, "Well, how do you know so much about Buddhism?" And I didn't want to say, "Well, I've been hosting this [ __ ] podcast for 10 years." But um I think it's it's it's not just that I've hosted this podcast. It's it's that I am forced as a part of my job to ask questions, articulate back what I've heard and understood to the people I'm talking to, then sometimes talk about it in public.

I'm I am doing the cognitive work that we began this conversation by talking about. In other words, talking pounded into my neurons in a deeper, more abiding way. Yeah. Yes. That's right. And and it's interesting because sometimes people who practice Buddhism say to me, "Well, what's this with all this emphasis on talking? Doesn't the Buddha say that listening is more important?" And I'm thinking, "Oh my god, here I am. I'm 10% happier criticism than the Buddha." But I don't think that's quite right. I think that uh in the case that we just talked about where the myth that that understanding equals learning in the olden days I would say people learn something new and they had the mental space to ponder it and think about it themselves do the mental work of getting it solidified and learned.

But in our day-to-day existence now, you learn something new and then you send three emails about something different and then you scroll on your phone and then you talk to your boss and and that new thing doesn't have the mental space to be encoded by your hippocampus and talking about it is really the helper in this case and the amplifier that that was started by the listening. One one last little reflection on this when I when I was looking at this part of your book. I was thinking about a book that I read in the 90s back when I had when I was in my 20s um and had more energy to do extreme things.

But David Foster Wallace wrote a thousandpage book called Infinite Jest that was popular among my cohort in that time. And there was just this one line that I that has I can't remember much about the book because it's been 30 years. But there's this one line that I still think about where the kid is a the main character is a I think a student at a tennis academy and um he has this off-hand line about how he is mentoring younger students and in explaining things to them realizes what he thinks which is right back to your Joan Ddian comment and and you know it just can it it it's just an incredibly valuable able way to encode encode encode uh instead of briefly absorb and then get it uh lost in the endless tsunami of information.

information. information. That's right. And and people mistakenly say, well, talking isn't learning. You already know what you know. But these examples, both the David Foster Wallace and the Joan Ddian and all sorts of other personal examples are that in fact the act of talking is a clarifying act really and it helps you know what you know and learn what you know. Just to say on Buddhism, I'm not aware that the Buddha ever said that listening is more important than talking. Maybe he did, but the Buddhist did a lot of talking.

There are thousands and thousands of pages of Buddhist texts. In other words, um, transcripts essentially of the stuff he said 2600 years ago. And in his eightpart cookbook for enlightenment, the eight-fold path, one of the entries is right speech. So, um, I don't think he was anti-spech. Okay, good. good. good. Moving along here. You you have a whole chapter about the impact of talking on aging well on dementia prevention which you invoked earlier. What should we know about how to use again this daily activity of talking in all of its forms to uh help us uh pre protect our memory?

Well, engaging with people. So the social there's a major social component to dementia pres prevention, but talking a lot and and listening to people and having back and forth conversations and engaging with their perspectives and saying your own perspectives is really what seems to be critically important for developing for developing for developing resilience against dementia. And so it sounds easy, but in fact, uh, for elderly adults, um, people who have retired, it often isn't easy anymore. You have to find somebody to have a conversation with.

You have to be able to get out, uh, unless you or remember how to use Zoom or something like that. And there's a lot of data suggesting that older adults are quite isolated, quite lonely, and don't have a lot of talking opportunities. And um there's very little infrastructure for helping them do something different. Even though we it's preventive medicine in a sense or preventive activities, preventive behaviors and there's all sorts of discussion about how old people should go out to exercise or whatever. But there's very little realization that having them go out to talk to each other, including while they're exercising if they want, uh is a really good mental good mental good mental stimulation for them.

I've really seen this with my mom um who uh just um actually the day before we're recording this uh turned 82 and sent me a text saying she's happier than she's ever been. Um, and I think the major variable there is that even though she was pretty antisocial her whole life, she was a pioneering lymphoma uh expert. Um, and deliberately went into after getting her medical degree went into pathology instead of anything that would require her treating patients because she didn't want to hear people whine.

She also didn't want to hear her children whine. Um uh so she was not uh super social as a as a middle-aged person, but I we had the great privilege of being able to move her and my father into an assisted living facility, a really a great one. And she's like the mayor of this place and is just going to every activity and talking, you know, they're very interactive, all the activities, and she's talking even to people who can't even talk back, she'll talk. I think she prefers those discussions.

Um, and I just see I think there's a direct bearing on the amount of talking she's doing and her happiness and the fact that her brain is functioning so well at um at the age of 82. And it's just it's it's awesome to see. And I I w I I I will I do want to make a note that one thing you say in the book is that prioritizing conversation over brain games which many people do engage with as a way to prevent against um cognitive decline.

You say that brain games are way less impactful than than this simple act of staying in touch with people. That's right. People should play those ba brain games um if they don't cost too much and if they're fun. But uh they are not known to provide any dementia prevention. Maybe crossword puzzles. There's a little bit of e evidence suggesting that that might be helpful. maybe some other word games, but the amount of money that's been poured into convincing people that brain games are going to save them uh is way way higher than the actual data that uh brain games are have any value in dementia prevention.

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With zero grams of sugar and essential vitamins and amino acids for mental focus, Spark supports reliable sustained energy and focus without the jittery spike and crash feeling. I can't have caffeine, so I have not tried Spark, but uh Taylor from my team, who is a very impressive and hardworking human, she loves this stuff. Spark Energy Plus Focus is offering 30% off and free shipping. Go to drinkspark.com and use the code happier at checkout. That's codehappier at drinkspark.com. Couple more practical questions for you. Uh in the book you talk about the importance of practicing for highstakes scenarios by sort of rehearsing what you're going to say either internally or by speaking out loud.

Can you uh hold forth on that a little bit? Sure. I mean we all know that athletic skill comes with enormous amount of practice and talking skill similarly comes with practice. The conversation practice and also for highstakes situations like a job interview you know career centers help people practice their job interview. Exactly. because this is the kind of situation in which practice talking and practicing answering questions would be beneficial. And so for other kinds of high highstakes situations, of course, people practice giving speeches, but you can practice any kind of difficult conversation.

You know, you have to talk to your partner about something difficult, you could practice what you wanted to say. The conversation is never going to go exactly the way you think it's going to go because the other person has different ideas naturally. But you can practice saying what you want in a queer way that's not inflaming the situation or you can practice how you might react if they push back, you know, and what would your reply be and and so forth. So you can practice talking whenever you need to.

I uh have mentioned this in past podcasts, so I apologize to regular listeners who've heard me say this before, but it it just I feel worth noting yet again that I I've uh for many years worked with communications coaches who uh help me with my um interpersonal skills. And um one of the things that we do when I talk to them every month or so is rehearse for big conversations. And I found it 100% of the time it helps make those conversations uh more uh successful.

successful. successful. What he said, folks, he's right. Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Another practical question. And I say this a toward to till the you know back half of the conversation uh because it has to do with kids and I'm always sensitive to the fact that there people listening who don't have kids or don't care about kids. Um so I'll just ask this and uh for for those of us who do have children. You are pretty u adamant about the importance of not not only not having your children get overly exposed to screens, but also not as adults using our screens too much around children because we should be talking to them and getting them talking as a way to develop their brain.

I just want to give you a chance to say a little bit more about that. that. that. Right. So I think the that position that you just described, my position really comes from the science of talking and all the benefits that talking has. So parents hear a lot that they should be talking to their kids and that's not wrong. wrong. wrong. But what they don't hear is that they should be encouraging the kids to talk themselves. themselves. themselves. But the recent science suggests that the amount of the kids's own talking is at least as predictive of their cognitive development and their readiness for school and their learning to read and all of this as the sheer amount of talking that that parents have said.

And a related point is if the parents internalize this idea that the child is this sponge that needs lots of language input, they can think that well they can talk to them, but they also could hand them the iPad, the tablet, and have a little show talk to them. And that's true. There might be some talking on the little show. But if we think that the child's own talking is so crucial, in fact, we know that it is, then having a tablet in their hands is exactly the time when they're not talking themselves and exactly the time where the parents aren't talking to them and trying to engage them in a conversation.

It's a it's a no talking zone when the kid is on the phone or the tablet or whatever. So, I have, as I mentioned, an 11-year-old son, and he loves video games, and uh he gets an hour or so a day on his iPad to play those video games, and he's doing it almost 100% of the time with his friends, talking to each other as they're playing the game. So, it's a kind of intensely social thing. thing. thing. Yes. And I think that is uh really a great way to blend talking and and friendship.

You know, the the game Pokemon Go was also a a opportunity for developing kids going outside and talking together about their uh finding the Pokemons. And that's another So, I'm not against technology in the service of extra social interaction and talking. I think that's great. But for little kids particularly when their early talking really affects their school readiness and all sorts of other mental development. I think that we should leave behind uh the screen time or reduce it as much as possible because what we really want to be doing is having situations in which the kids are talking and if the the adult is on their phone, they're not probably engaging the kid in a conversation unless they're showing something on the phone to the kid and they're talking about it.

So that would be an opportunity. But if the parent is on the phone and not paying attention to the kid, it's actually telling the kid that that phone is pretty important and that's what we ought to be doing with our time. And and I don't think that's the best message. Although, you know, I I'm really sensitive to people telling parents what they should be doing. It I have kids and everybody told me what I was doing wrong at all times. And uh it's it's hard. It's a tough job being a parent.

So, I hope PE parents think about the value of their kids' own talking and try to incorporate that. incorporate that. incorporate that. Incorporate it. Do your best. Nobody's perfect. Um, perfect. Um, perfect. Um, yes. Yes. yes. Yes. yes. Yes. There there is speaking of speaking of on the non-judgmental tip, you have a whole chapter about how about why we shouldn't judge other people by the way they talk. Why shouldn't we do that? Because I do find myself doing it reflexively. reflexively. reflexively. Oh, yeah. We all do.

And it's really part of how talking works. So we all were raised in a particular place in time among particular people. And the way our talking abilities develop is that we are really tuned into that local way of speaking and acting and culture. And that stuff that we got as kids really is in some way the right way to do it all. And people who then go out in the world and experience other ways of talking and other cultures and all of that can get quite high and mighty maybe more about the way people talk than culture sometimes about other people doing it wrong.

It was also established when we went to school. You know, there's lots of things in school where little kids learn about other cultures and maybe they learn about Kwanza or they learn about the Native Americans in Thanksgiving or all sorts of other cultures. But that same elementary school class very often tells kids that there's a one right way to talk and you shouldn't say ain't and you shouldn't do all of these other things. And so people get very protective of the way they talk and really internalize even if they're not consciously aware of it that there's one right way.

But there's not one right way. There's hundreds of dialects of just English alone and they are all as linguists have studied equally capable of conveying complex ideas. And so different accents and dialects and so forth are really social constructions social constructions social constructions like what we wear, how we cut our hair and our dress and so forth. and they don't have any inherent value except within a social hierarchy. All those other ways of talking are equally good. Another recommendation you make that I found surprising and interesting is that it's important to follow and and some older people can find these constantly shifting rules annoying, but you're saying that there's good reason to to follow all of the new pronoun or uh terminology usage rules that again seem to shift dayto-day to us oldsters.

um and to not only because it's the polite thing to do, but also actually there may be some self-interested reasons for keeping up with the the uh the shifts in our on our language norms. Yeah, I think people if they can would do better to give up the idea that the way they do it is the correct way and and be more expansive and think that other ways might be okay too. Part of the reason is they really can't change things. So, it's just a source of frustration if young people are saying things that they don't know the words and so forth.

And and it isn't helping to be angry about it. Um, you know, in the book I talk about how the grammar grammarians of the Sanskrit language thousands and thousands of years ago got really pissed that the young folks were screwing it up in new ways and they wrote down the grammar and it survived for thousands of years. But they didn't stop the change. The language changed because the young people started talking differently. And all the people who are mad now were themselves young people once who were changing their language.

And uh so it's they might as well just get with it. And if somebody says no worries rather than you're welcome after you thank them, well that's just kind of a new ritualized way to do it. And you should just kind of go with the flow. Yeah. Well, I get make that making the shift can save you on on, you know, unnecessary annoyance, but I would imagine there's also some cognitive benefit to learning the, you know, staying up with the shifts in the language because language is always shifting and changing and evolving that the the brain benefits from staying sharp in that way.

That's right. So learning new things and understanding the new fangled words that people are using is a great way to feel less left out and actually stimulate your brain. And also remembering that you too were somebody who was doing all that development really I think helps people get another perspective because it's not that the young people are doing something never before done before done before done because everybody has changed their language and that's natural that's how it works. Another benefit for me is, as many parents know, uh using young people's slang around young people is a great way to annoy young people, which I find endlessly satisfying.

Yes. Yes. As a professor, I too. Oh, yeah. I'm sure. Yeah. You if you you use Gen Z slang in the classroom, they get they think, well, you can't say that. then I could call them out on that and we can have a conversation about how language changes and there's no proprietary uh only Gen Z people can say Jenz Gen Z slang. Finally, the speaking of something that changes all the time, technology. There's a whole chapter about uh the inter intersection of talking again talking broadly understood and technology.

And one of the things you say is that that increasingly large companies and even governments are kind of analyzing the patterns in our digital speech in ways that could be super invasive and that we should know about. Yes. So, you know, you call the help line and you get this while you're on hill. It says, "This call may be require recorded for quality assurance purposes." That may or may not mean that they are recording the words you use, the tone of your voice, how likely you were to be satisfied with a $10 coupon for the fact that your uh product has now broken or uh any other behavior that you did.

People are companies are analyzing talk to figure out what they can about you in the sense of can they predict your behavior? Are you the way you talk on Facebook? Does that make you likely to buy insurance be subject to an ad for new sugar meanies candy? Would you like to buy something? Would you be more likely to vote in some way? Would you be more likely to be persuaded on an argument to support a cause? And you don't we don't usually think that the way we post on Facebook or talk to the hopefully human in the line um the telephone line about getting help for your product has the capability to predict these things.

But because talking is a conversion from our internal ideas into language, the patterns of language can be with sufficient computer help and expertise worked back to getting to understanding people's personalities, their attitudes, their likely to behave in certain ways. And people were trying to monetize that all the time. Companies are and it's very hard to know exactly what they're doing. I would imagine the government and I think you talk about this the governments can maybe read our, you know, go over our entire text and email and social media history and, you know, profile us in some way.

That's right. I mean, law enforcement wants to know which people who are spewing hate speech are the ones who are likely to actually get up and and attack people and which ones are just, you know, posturing. And I don't think they've worked that out yet, but they're absolutely looking on posting on various social media about which sorts of kinds of tells their their language they're talking might be giving. And certainly this government, other governments, other countries could absolutely consider looking at the digital trail that we weave on social media and recordings and everything.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think it's probably I guess I'm reasonably comfortable with uh the government trying to identify people who are likely to commit terrorist acts, but the idea that an autocratic government in this country could use our could analyze our patterns of speech for thought crimes against the regime. That that that's troubling. Yes, it is. And I think it's very hard to know what's being analyzed or not analyzed right now but saved and could be in the future analyzed. And people speaking broadly are seem remarkably unw worried about privacy of their personal data.

People worry about whether their credit card is going to get stolen. And I think that's that's not unreasonable, but I don't think they realize that their own posts on social media are a potential source of analysis of their internal states, which we all tend to think our own thoughts are private. But if our talk is reflecting with some decent probability what our internal states are, then those internal states are not in fact potentially private. Staying on the theme of technology, there's also a warning in the book about fake news, which I think many of us think of as a phenomenon phenomenon phenomenon to which other people, probably stupid people are susceptible, but actually if if you know if if it's delivered in a in a sophisticated enough way and it plays to our biases, we might fall for it too.

That's right. The number of people many of these studies are done on college students who are not who are reasonably educate educated and believe themselves to be techsavvy and all of that. And those people are remarkably susceptible to fake news. And it's it's quite hard to get people to become more skeptical without becoming skeptical about all sorts of other things that aren't fake. So because I mean that's sort of by definition because the fake news becomes more and more like the real news. It becomes more and more hard to distinguish them.

So the alternatives are to be skeptical of everything or to be more accepting of everything. And so it's a it's a very tricky situation at this point. this point. this point. Mary Ellen, I I always ask two questions at the end of interviews. The first is, is there something you were hoping to get to that we didn't get to? No, we got to the things I was hoping to get to. So thanks. Great. Uh second is can you just remind everybody of the name of your book?

Any other books or any other resources you put out into the world that we should know about? know about? know about? Sure. My book is called More Than Words: How Talking Sharpens the Mind and Shapes Our World. Our World. Our World. And my website, if you want to look at that, is miellellendonald.com. Mary Ellen, thank you again. Great job. Great to meet you. Thanks so much. It was great to be here.