The Parenting Habits You MUST Stop Before Age 14 (According to Science) | Dr. Daniel Amen

Key Takeaway

Create a daily 20-minute “special time” with your child: let them choose a reasonable activity, put your phone away, and give no orders, questions, or instructions. Your job is simply to be present and listen. This small ritual deposits trust into the relationship, making children more likely to share what is happening in their lives and more receptive to boundaries and guidance later.

Episode Overview

Dr. Daniel Amen explains that raising mentally strong children requires parents to combine connection with accountability. He argues that parents build resilience by spending focused time with children, listening rather than reflexively fixing, and allowing manageable consequences so children develop autonomy, responsibility, and self-esteem.

Full Transcript

Transcript of The Parenting Habits You MUST Stop Before Age 14 (According to Science) | Dr. Daniel Amen from On Purpose. Auto-generated from episode audio; may contain minor errors.

How do you set a goal for a child, and at what age does it become realistic? Well, the goal starts with the parents. What kind of father or mother do I want to be ? And what kind of children do I want to raise? So, to raise mentally strong children, the first principle is that you need to be mentally strong, right? You have to shape the message, and at Amen Clinics our first fundamental value is authenticity. And what does it mean to be mentally strong? Well, the first principle is clarity.

You want to know. So, when I was little, my mother was great. He was there, but there were too many of us. There were seven of us. I am third, I am irrelevant. At least that's what I thought. You know, the Prince Harry book, Spare. Well, in a Lebanese family, the eldest son is golden and the second is irrelevant. Now, irrelevance has a great advantage, which means I can do whatever I want. But my mother was present; she was funny, playful, and strict. Well, all good qualities.

My father was no longer there . That's why, when I think about what kind of father I want to be, I want to be present. Because that caused me a lot of bitterness in my life. And if you read the latest neuroscience findings on parenting, attachment is very important for preventing mental illness or mental health problems. Therefore, if I want to be present, that leads me to the second principle, which is the bond, which is the connection. And how do you connect it? And many parents are wrong about that.

And they think, "Well, let me solve all my child's problems," which creates a sense of entitlement and a mess . But the first question is: "What do you want?" . I think it's a great question for children when they are 6 or 7 years old. What do you want in our relationship? I deal with many difficult children. And one of my favorite questions for parents is: how many times out of 10, when you ask a child to do something, will they do it the first time without arguing or fighting?

And seven is the average for healthy children. Well, very few children do anything all the time, right? But for the children who see me, it's zero or less than three. And when I ask the children about this, 7 , 8, 9, I say to them, "Is your goal to make your mother cry?" And they tell me: " No". And I say to them, "Why are you doing it?" "Don't know". And the fact is that they do n't know because it's not something that is governed by willpower.

It's something that's governed by the brain. And that concept in itself, besides the fact that if the child does not do what you ask him to do and you ignore him or simply repeat it, what you are doing is teaching him to do it. And the brain is lazy. So this is going to be a fun conversation. What about the people who say that this may make children obedient, but it doesn't make them free thinkers or reflective and independent people? I think sometimes we feel like these two things are at odds with each other, right?

As if we feel they hear everything we say and do what we say, how do they build their own sense of identity? How does that work? Totally in the book on how to do it. And that's because you don't solve all your children's problems. That is the heart of Love and Logic. You want children to make mistakes. And you want them to pay the consequences. In this way, they learn to be independent. It is a very important word in life. Well, I have six children. Three of them are adopted.

And Chloe, who is now 20, is a bit of a rebel. And argumentative, oppositional, and I am a child psychiatrist. And Chloe was two years old when Tana and I met. And I told her, "Tana, you've already finished second year." But they would work hard to do their homework for a couple of hours. And I said to him, "And then Tana got a show ." Well, I co-wrote the book with Charles Fay, president of the Love and Logic Institute. So she learned to raise children with Love and Logic and then took everything they had created.

One night, when he finally realized that he had finished second grade, he told Chloe that he would never ask her to do his homework again. He told her, "Listen, I already finished second grade. This is your fault. And if you accept the consequences of not doing your homework, your homeroom teacher will be mad at you . You won't be allowed out for recess. And if you really decide you're not going to do it, you'll make new friends when you repeat second grade." That was the moment of epiphany.

Chloe got angry and said, "I never said I wasn't going to do my homework. I'm just not going to do it now." "She stormed off. She came back 20 minutes later. No one ever asked her to do her homework again . She's going to graduate with a degree in business from Chapman University. She's brilliant. She's independent. She's self-reliant. She's very hardworking and a free thinker. Because she couldn't pressure her mother to solve her problems. She had to solve them with the right support, of course. And, by the way, to make this idea stick, if Chloe forgot her homework, her mother would n't take it to school.

Because she would only forget it once. Right ? If she forgot her homework and we took it to school, we would always take it to school. If it was cold and she forgot to bring a sweater, no one would bring it. If she forgot her lunch, no one would bring it. We're teaching her the most important skill of mentally strong people. I am responsible for my life. And if there are consequences, I'm going to pay them. And you say you want them to make mistakes when the consequences are manageable.

And at what age is that? Is it at a..." Is there a specific age, or is there a point when... like four, five, six years old? You know, the sooner the better. And, of course, you're always putting up, you know, think bowling, you're putting up bumper guards to protect them. But, when I was a young father, I think my self-esteem wasn't very good. And I gained self-esteem by solving my kids' problems. And I realized I was stealing their self-esteem. Because where do we get self-esteem from?

There's a big Harvard study where they followed 454 schoolchildren in downtown Boston for 70 years. Think about that. It's one of the longest-term longevity studies that's ever been done. And they looked at what was happening, you know, with mental illness, with addiction, with self-esteem. And the one thing that correlated with self-esteem was whether or not you worked as a child, whether or not you had responsibilities. At home, you delivered papers, you had a job outside. When I was 10, I started working because my father owned grocery stores.

And work is good. But For well-off people, who have help at home and everything is done for the child, you're actually setting the child up for difficulties in life because they won't develop a sense of independence. That's very interesting to hear. I've always felt like I started doing that. I was a newspaper delivery boy when I was 14. And I remember going around the local streets delivering the newspapers, and it was raining, and, you know, at certain times of the year in England it snowed during the Christmas period, and it was tough because I had to pull this, you know, this cart we call a...

I don't know what you'd call it here, but I pulled this cart that has all the newspapers stacked up. And then I worked in a grocery store, and then I worked in retail, and I've been working since I was 14, and I couldn't agree with you more. I learned so many interesting skills. I developed so many amazing habits because you had to do it in order to be able to do it, and that feels very familiar to me. How do you feel comfortable seeing your child feel uncomfortable?

Because I imagine that's the biggest challenge. Right? As a parent who loves, adores, and cares for their child, you don't want them to be cold, you don't want them to be late for school, you do n't want them to perform poorly. Your ego is somehow tied to the child's ego and their level of success . How can you feel comfortable seeing your child uncomfortable in a way that isn't indifferent or insensitive? Todd, you have to keep the big picture and the long game in mind .

What do I want? What kind of parent do I want to be? Effective, present. What kind of child do I want to raise? Independent, competent, strong. If I do too much, I'm robbing them of their self-esteem, their sense of responsibility, and their autonomy. And that's a disaster you simply don't want. And you need to see that coming . And that's why, you know, the first principle is knowing what you want. And always ask your kids, "So, what's the goal for this year? What do you want?" ""TRUE?

It's not that you don't tell them their objective. I mean, for example, when I turned 18, uh, it was the first time I was able to vote, and my father told me that if I voted for Senator McGovern, the country would go to hell. Then , in 1972, Richard Nixon ran for re-election. He was a very popular president, even though he turned out to be a disaster against Senator McGovern. And I was 18 years old and had no relationship with my father. I mean, we were angry with each other .

He tried to influence me, but since we had no relationship, I would anger him just the same. Right now, it wasn't my conscious thought, but it would piss him off just the same. And I voted for McGovern and the country went to hell, but it had nothing to do with McGovern. It was all Nixon and Watergate and so on, but it was that lack of connection. And if people do what I say in the book, you have more influence over them and that leads to... Well, the first principle is to set goals.

The second is to create links. It's attachment. If you want to have influence over your children, if you want them to seriously consider your values, you have to connect with them. What is needed for that? Time. Like real physical time where you're not on your phone, but put it aside and spend 20 minutes a day with a child. There is an exercise I talk about in the book that I love so much that, as you know, all the things I have recommended to my patients over the past 45 years, since I decided to become a psychiatrist 45 years ago, a special time.

It's magical. And 20 minutes a day, do something with your child that they want to do and that is reasonable to do in 20 minutes, like not taking me to Nordstrom's. And during that time, no orders, questions, or instructions. It's just time to be together. And it's money. in the relational bank. And I remember when I first realized this , my literary agent had a child later in life. We were talking on the phone and he told me, "My daughter Laura doesn't want anything to do with me.

And she's two years old ." And he said, "That's a girl thing, right? A mother-daughter thing. They don't want anything." And I said to him, "No, Carl, you 're ignoring her." "What? What do you mean I'm ignoring you?" I told him, "You're ignoring her. Do this." And he said, "That won't work." And I said to him, "Oh, great. You represent an idiot. My own literary agent won't do what I say. Do it. In fact, I'm going to put you on my schedule for three weeks. I'm going to call you to get the party started." And so, 3 weeks pass.

I'll call him. Carl, Daniel, she won't leave me alone. As soon as I walk through the door, he grabs my leg and wants his time. All he wants is to be with me. I ask him, is that a problem? That 's what we want, right? That's what we're looking for. Real physical time. And now, parents are so busy that they don't dedicate this time alone to listening. That's the second part. Time, real physical time, and shut up. I mean , it's very important. You love them so much that you want to pour all your knowledge, all your wisdom that you have worked on all your life, and unload it into their heads.

Don't do that. Listen to them. And therapists learn this technique called active listening: when someone says something, you don't interrupt them or tell them how to think. You repeat it. And you hear the feelings behind the words. For example, if my son came home and said, "Dad, I want to have blue hair ." I don't know what your father would have said, but I know what mine would have said. No way. As long as you live in this house, you can have blue hair. Yes. But what does that do?

It either stops the conversation or starts a fight. Active listening teaches you to repeat what you hear. Oh, you want to have blue hair. And then stay quiet long enough for them to explain what's really going on. And I could say, "All the boys have blue hair." Well, I went to their school. I know not everyone has blue hair. And if I had said that to my father, I don't know what yours would have said. I don't care what others do. As long as you live in this house, you won't have blue hair.

If they're going to jump off a bridge, are you going to go with them? That's for sure. I've heard it many times. So what happens? Interrupt the conversation. Or a fight starts. It seems you want to be like the other children. A completely different conversation. But that's it...And he might say, "Dad, sometimes I feel like I don't fit in." Now, my mother would have said, "What do you mean you don't fit in?" Of course you fit in. You're a good boy. You're a handsome guy. You're a nice guy.

"And that doesn't help either. What does help is..." Sometimes you feel like you don't fit in. "And then give them a break. So they're the ones who solve their problem. Now, after half an hour, they say, 'I still want to have blue hair.'" I'm going to tell him: "Absolutely not while you live in my house, because it's not okay to look weird." I mean, if you look weird, you're going to hang out with weird people, right? And what do all those things do? If your relationship is limited to giving orders, instructions and questions to the children, what ends up happening to the relationship?

They are closing. And if you just stay in their space, and as a child psychiatrist, I 've seen thousands of children over the years, and often the parents say, "He doesn't want to talk to you. He doesn't want to be here. He doesn't want to talk to you." I say, "Yes, it's very difficult being me." And I just sit there and play with them, but while I'm playing a game they choose with them, they chat. You know, they talk about what happens in their dreams, what happens at home, what goes on.

Would you play with them? I mean, we play cards, we play shooters and ladders, we play Monopoly, we play all kinds of different games. And one of my favorite games is the storytelling game , where they start a story and have a sentence, I have a sentence, they have a sentence. And you can really see how their mind works. Why does it work? Why is it a great point of interaction that allows them to open up? Because if you simply tell children, "Tell me your problem," they won't have a clue and will freeze up.

If you play a game with them or go for a walk with them, then they start to open up if they know you will listen to them. And we live in a society that speaks out against others. The parents are anxious and want to resolve things, and they talk too much. So if I can get people to use fewer words and be more present, it will be a huge help to them. How can you tell if a child is getting stronger or weaker mentally? When practicing some of these methods, what do you notice?

What are the main habits or traits of a mentally strong child and a mentally weak one? Mentally strong children don't believe everything they think. This is very important. In previous episodes, we talked about killing ants, automatic negative thoughts . In fact, I have a children's book called Captain Snout and the Superpower Questions, which I wrote specifically to teach children how to question their automatic thoughts. And then, a vulnerable child, or rather, a mentally weak child, I would say vulnerable, is when you notice that he has foul thoughts.

They read minds, predict the future, and focus on what is wrong instead of what is right. A strong child will still have those thoughts, but will question them. It simply won't stick to what I call the different types of ants. And guilt is like the worst ant. You know, you blame other people for your life. You become a victim and you become powerless. What can I do today to solve this problem? And that is the essence of the book, along with love and logic. What can I do today to solve this problem?

When you're trying to get mentally strong, but you feel like you don't have time, your kids need you to make them dinner, you need to do their homework. I feel there is a huge loss of time balance , of ability to deal with this. What do people do when they think, "Jim, I'm just surviving. I'm just putting food on the table." I barely survive long enough to turn on the television at night after the children have gone to sleep. I don't have time for myself. How do we balance that time?

That's why special time isn't just two hours with the child. It's feasible. You plan the game long-term. And all too often parents love their children so much. We're going to play football, we're going to dance, we're going to make music and we're going to... and it's like, enough. They need time to be together and think, "Well, but I have to do homework with the kids." It's like, please don't do it . That's not what the schools want. They want the children to do their homework, and if they don't, they want them to face the consequences.

But then what the parents do is get involved in this divination business. It's like, well, then they won't get into the best preschool, or the best school, or be able to go to Harvard, and then their life will end up being terrible. And I went to a community college. In fact, I'm in the Orange Coast College Hall of Fame. And I think a lot of people, Mark Cuban, said that. It's like, most people should go to a community college because it's very cheap and it's the same education.

TRUE? But people have this idea that prestige is linked to self-esteem. And prestige is a French word that comes from a French word that means deception. TRUE? But hey, I went to a community college, my life is amazing. Because I work hard, right? And lastly, one more point: you should never tell a child that they are intelligent. It's because your parents are proud of you. You are very intelligent. Never do that. Work hard. Because if you tell them they are intelligent and they learn something, their self-esteem...drops.

If you go, " I really like how hard you try." "And if they come up with something difficult, they try harder. And you also teach children because mentally strong people ask questions. And too often, it's like, 'No, I won't ask questions so I do n't look stupid.'" It's as if mentally strong people were asking questions. And when I was in elementary school, I never asked a question. And then I realized because I was in the army and spent 3 years between high school and college and I was able to grow and I thought, "Oh , you have to ask questions." " Right?

I learned that in the military. If you ask a question and someone says no, ask someone else because they're more likely to say yes, right? So I learned that. Don't just take no for an answer. But at school, it's like, 'Oh, let me ask questions.' If I don't understand something, chances are other people won't either ." What are some of those other statements that parents tell their children that they think they're saying the right thing, but that end up backfiring because they make it harder for the child to keep up ?

Everything will be alright. Or I'll take care of it. They are having problems with another child at school. They immediately go to the principal's office . They don't listen to the child and say, "How do you think you can handle that?" "Or what if they go and fix it? And that's the death of their self-esteem. Now, if it's dangerous, or there's bullying or abuse, you have to step in and deal with it. Instead of saying, ' Well, I had that problem at your age, I did this, and this is what you should do,' we should avoid giving that kind of advice.

Don't do that." Because it steals their self-esteem. It steals their autonomy. What can you do? I'm supporting you, instead of saying, " Well, that's a stupid decision." Yes, yes. Oh. No, I 'm supporting you. It's something very important in our friendships. It is very important in marriage. It's very important with children. I think it's very easy to simply say, "This is what I did, this is what you should do. This is the right way to do it." It's easy. And we think we're taking a shortcut because we 're not listening.

In reality, we are not creating bonds. We're not connecting. And we're trying to jump to a conclusion that, hopefully, we believe solves the problem. And much of this goes back to what we've both mentioned in this conversation: that there is this subconscious attachment of the ego to the child's success as a reflection of our self-esteem. Our self-esteem is intertwined with our child's self-esteem and self-esteem. And now, you know, we are unconsciously living our dreams through them. That's not as basic as saying I want my son to be a doctor because I am one, but there are other, more subtle versions of that.

How do people disconnect from that ego? Because it seems so subtle and so hidden, but it's there, and I think everyone notices it in their parents when they act that way, but almost when we become parents, we are completely unaware of that ego. And it's very important. It is often so toxic if someone is living an unfulfilled life that they unload a lot on their child and make these children feel miserable. And it doesn't give them a sense of agency. It limits them and they often rebel against it instead of thinking: what do you want to do?

That will give you a good life so you don't have to support yourself. And I love my six children, but I never want to have to live with them. TRUE? That's why I want to create competent people who can take care of themselves. It's like, "Go live your dream, whether you can take care of yourself or not." And that will prepare them to do it. If you depend on another person, you are unhappy. People who feel entitled to everything are never happy. Another thing is that I posted this on TikTok and it got like 7 million views.

A hallmark of mental strength. I don't do things for people who don't treat me with respect. Mhm. Oh. So, you know, your child misbehaves, you love him so much that it doesn't matter, you give him everything he wants anyway. Difficult. I don't do nice things for people who I feel do n't treat me with respect. Mhm. It does n't mean you shouldn't feed them. Of course you feed them. But you don't take them to the store or do nice things for them. I mean, you have to teach them about the consequences.

Mhm. What is loving discipline like? Because I think it sounds good. As we all say: "Yes, I'd love to be disciplined, but I'd love to be caring." "And often we don't even realize what that means in the workplace, let alone with kids. We're either loving or disciplined. Well, I think it should be both . What does that look like? Well, you know, we haven't come up with the rules. I think families should have them. Society has rules. Like telling the truth, doing what Mom and Dad say the first time.

I love that rule because you know what the chances of child abuse are ? If you tell a kid to do something five times, your chances of abusing that kid increase significantly. So, if you have this expectation that they're going to do things the first time, it's like, 'Caitlin , I want you to take out the trash in the next half hour.' And if they don't, it's like, 'Honey, you have a choice.' You can take it out now, or you can have this consequence, and then you can take it out.

I don't care, it's up to you. And I love that part of not being attached to it. I love it, I'm really clear, and she'll get that consequence if she doesn't move. Like, stop threatening them and..." Then not follow through. Because you teach them that you have to tell them, get angry, and act a little crazy to get them to do what you ask . Yes. And I like rules, rhythms, and routines. I remember at my house after dinner, my sister and I would clean up, and we had a little rotation of who did the dishes that day and who wiped the table that day.

And it was something we did every day. We took turns. And my sister was four years younger than me, and we just did it together, and it became something we did, and it became second nature. It became a habit, and it made us accountable to each other, as well as to our parents. And it was a really good way of giving us those rules, and, you know , I think sometimes we think of rules as strict regulations and guidelines , but they can really just be a rhythm and a routine.

And it builds confidence and skill, and you're part of the family instead of what you have a right to live in that family. Yes, yes. And the sooner you start, the better it is for the children. I mean, It's difficult if you don't spend time with your kids when they're 14; their friends are more important than you. And that's the heartbreaking thing I've learned: if you don't spend time with them, their friends will take your place. And they might not have the advice, they might not listen to you well, and that makes them more vulnerable to all the scary things on social media.

Every day you're shaping your child based on what you notice. You're shaping your partner. You're shaping your employees. You're shaping everyone based on what you pay attention to. So, focus on what you like more than what you don't. And that really reinforces the gentle part of effective parenting. I've also been thinking a lot about what I shared with some families last week when I was doing some events about how mindfulness and meditation can be very different for children. That's why I do n't think it's necessary to force all children to sit in one place and close their eyes.

I also think mindfulness can be an activity like, "Hey, when you're out today , try..." Find as many red things as possible." And when you go out today , come back and give me a list of the red things you found. Or can you find as many leaves as stars or stones as stars today when you're outside? And I think mindfulness can come alive when we live it and breathe it when they're outside, as opposed to this feeling that kids need to learn it in a certain way.

What have you seen with...? Well, they don't sit well. Yes. Yes, exactly. That's what I mean. It means they have ADHD. It could mean their nervous system isn't myelinated, right? It's not fully myelinated. For people who don't know what that means, when you're born, you don't actually have much myelin in your brain. As we develop, our neurons get wrapped in a white, fatty substance called myelin. A myelinated neuron works 10 to 100 times faster than an unmyelinated one . When we're 2 months old, our occipital lobes in the back of our eyes become myelinated.

That's why when you look If you smile at a baby , they smile back. They don't do this when they're newborns because their visual cortex isn't working quickly. Then, slowly, myelination progresses from the back of the brain to the front, finishing around age 25. That's why expecting a child to act like an adult is a very bad idea. But I think you can teach them self-soothing techniques starting around age four. Breathe in deeply. Very slowly. As slowly as you can. Breathe out as slowly as you can.

And that will come to them when they get anxious. So, you know... Yes, what I'm saying today is that it's really helping them develop the tools they're going to need long-term. The challenge is, we need to know what those tools are and use them ourselves to truly believe in them because otherwise, as you said, we rush to solve their problems. We try to compensate for their losses. They never get to become independent, resilient people. Tell us about where love fits into all of this. For example, what does love with your child look like beyond time and Certain things you 've said today?

What does love really look like ? What does love mean? Because I think when you think about what parents ultimately want , they want to be loving parents. That's what everyone wants to do. They want to love their children. But love comes across as overcompensation. Love often translates into oversolving , overfixing, overdoing, and overburdening. And forcing them to be gifted. And so, even though we love them , we end up doing all these things that cause them pain. So, love is when you want to carry their homework for them at school.

It's not . Because you love them and you want what's best for them, which is for them to become mentally strong. That's love. Love is putting down your phone and spending time with them. Love is when they go and when they're 10 years old they say, "Oh, my friends have a phone." What happens if there's a shooter at the school and I can't locate them? "Children are manipulative. Frankly, we're all manipulative. And it's like, you know, there are too many risks involved. That 's love. It's setting boundaries in a kind and consistent way.

And ultimately, love is you developing these tools so you can be firm and kind at the same time. If you found this clip valuable and would like to see more, this next video has been specially selected for you based on your viewing habits. I hope you enjoy it, and if you do, please subscribe to the channel so we can continue to bring you fantastic conversations."

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