The Anxiety Trap: Why Thinking Doesn't Help | Dr. Nicole LePera & Dr. Mark Hyman

February 25, 2026 1h 2m
Summary published by 1% Better, updated March 4, 2026.
The Dr. Hyman Show
Key Takeaway

Our nervous systems hold childhood trauma as living memories in the body, not just the mind. Dr. Nicole LePera explains that the physical sensations we experience—chest tightness when saying no, anxiety over disappointing others—are our inner child's learned survival patterns. True healing requires more than insight; it demands nervous system regulation through consistent new choices. Start by noticing when your body reacts, getting curious about what you actually need, and practicing small acts of self-attunement daily.
Episode Overview

Dr. Nicole LePera, holistic psychologist and bestselling author, discusses her groundbreaking approach to mental health in 'How to Heal the Inner Child.' She challenges traditional talk therapy by emphasizing that childhood trauma lives in our nervous system, not just our minds. The conversation explores how adverse childhood experiences, ancestral trauma, and cultural stressors create dysregulated nervous systems that manifest as anxiety, depression, and physical illness. LePera explains that healing requires nervous system regulation through somatic practices, not just cognitive insight. The discussion covers attachment disruption, people-pleasing patterns, shame, emotional maturity, and practical tools for reparenting yourself to break intergenerational cycles.
Main Insights

Trauma Lives in the Body, Not Just the Mind

Traditional talk therapy focuses on changing thoughts, but childhood trauma is stored in the nervous system as physical patterns. You can have complete cognitive awareness of your patterns—like people-pleasing or perfectionism—yet still experience automatic physiological reactions (chest tightening, stomach clenching) when triggered. True healing requires addressing the body's stress response, not just gaining insight.
Your Nervous System Reflects Childhood Safety

The adaptations you made as a child to create safety, belonging, and security become your adult operating system. If you had to perform for love, suppress emotions, or manage a parent's distress, your nervous system learned to stay activated and hypervigilant. These patterns were protective then but create suffering now when your environment has changed but your body hasn't updated.
Adverse Childhood Experiences Predict Physical Disease

The ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) questionnaire reveals a direct correlation between childhood trauma and later health consequences including autoimmune disease, cancer, obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. The trauma isn't just emotional neglect or abuse—it includes attachment disruption, parents dealing with substance abuse, divorce, or incarceration. When children lack emotional attunement and nervous system co-regulation from caregivers, they develop chronically activated bodies.
Epigenetic Trauma Passes Through Generations

Ancestral trauma gets written into your epigenome, affecting how your genes are expressed. Your body prepares you for the environment it expects based on your ancestors' experiences and your mother's stress levels during pregnancy. These adaptations were necessary for survival in past environments, but create dysfunction when your current environment is safer than your nervous system believes it to be.
Shame is a Natural Emotion That Became Toxic

Healthy shame helps maintain social connections by signaling when we've stepped out of bounds. But toxic shame develops in childhood when we interpret a parent's inability to meet our needs as our own fault. The immature child's mind can't understand that mom or dad's absence or emotional unavailability has nothing to do with them, so they create stories like 'I'm not good enough' or 'I must perform to deserve love.'
Notable Quotes

"I get an email and I feel all of a sudden this clutching in my chest, this tightness in my belly. I'm like having literally a panic attack about sending out an email that says no. Why am I feeling like this?"

Dr. Mark Hyman
"I continue to hear I can't help it but I'm still stuck repeating patterns. So we come to believe this is just who I am, how I am, and how I will always be. And so the reality thankfully we know in science that we can change."

Dr. Nicole LePera
"Our environments have changed. We've gained more resources or access to them, but our nervous systems are still reflecting danger that it believes is present."

Dr. Nicole LePera
"You could be eating the healthiest foods, but if you're doing so in a body that's on edge, that's bracing for that next shoe to drop, then that's not going to create the safety that your body needs to repair."

Dr. Nicole LePera
"We feel more shameful when we know better, when we try to white knuckle or get better quicker and then we end up falling right back into those old habits. It takes the thing that we hate to do. We just have to make consistent new choices to create that change."

Dr. Nicole LePera
Action Items

Suggested exercises inspired by the conversation.
1
Take the ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) Questionnaire
Complete the scientifically validated ACEs questionnaire online to understand your childhood trauma score and its correlation to health outcomes. This creates awareness of how your early experiences may be affecting your current physical and mental health.
2
Practice Daily Body Awareness Check-ins
When you notice a strong reaction (email anxiety, people-pleasing urge), pause and identify the physical sensations in your body. Ask yourself: 'What does this part of me need right now?' Experiment with different responses rather than defaulting to old patterns.
3
Create a Reparenting Meditation Practice
Set aside time each morning for meditation and breathwork where you visualize going back to challenging childhood scenes. As your adult self, comfort your inner child, provide the safety and reassurance they needed, and anchor this new neural pathway through daily repetition.
4
Experiment with Nervous System Regulation Techniques
Since most of us weren't taught emotional maturity or self-regulation, start experimenting with somatic practices: deep breathing, grounding exercises, movement, or nature connection. Notice which practices help your body return to baseline after activation.
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Full Transcript
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I get an email and I feel all of a I get an email and I feel all of a sudden this clutching in my chest, this sudden this clutching in my chest, this sudden this clutching in my chest, this tightness in my belly. I'm like having tightness in my belly. I'm like having tightness in my belly. I'm like having literally a panic attack about sending literally a panic attack about sending literally a panic attack about sending out an email that says no. Why am I out an email that says no. Why am I out an email that says no. Why am I feeling like this? feeling like this? feeling like this? &gt;&gt; I continue to hear I can't help it but &gt;&gt; I continue to hear I can't help it but &gt;&gt; I continue to hear I can't help it but I'm still stuck repeating patterns. So I'm still stuck repeating patterns. So I'm still stuck repeating patterns. So we come to believe this is just who I we come to believe this is just who I we come to believe this is just who I am, how I am, and how I will always be. am, how I am, and how I will always be. am, how I am, and how I will always be. And so the reality thankfully we know in And so the reality thankfully we know in And so the reality thankfully we know in science that we can change. science that we can change. science that we can change. &gt;&gt; Dr. Dr. Nicole La Pair is a holistic &gt;&gt; Dr. Dr. Nicole La Pair is a holistic &gt;&gt; Dr. Dr. Nicole La Pair is a holistic psychologist trained at Cornell psychologist trained at Cornell psychologist trained at Cornell University and a number one New York University and a number one New York University and a number one New York Times bestselling author whose work has Times bestselling author whose work has Times bestselling author whose work has reshaped the global conversation around reshaped the global conversation around reshaped the global conversation around healing and personal responsibility. healing and personal responsibility. healing and personal responsibility. &gt;&gt; Our environments have changed. We've &gt;&gt; Our environments have changed. We've &gt;&gt; Our environments have changed. We've gained more resources or access to them, gained more resources or access to them, gained more resources or access to them, but our nervous systems are still but our nervous systems are still but our nervous systems are still reflecting danger that it believes is reflecting danger that it believes is reflecting danger that it believes is present. in moments where we had to present. in moments where we had to present. in moments where we had to learn how to create safety, security, learn how to create safety, security, learn how to create safety, security, belonging, where many of us had to belonging, where many of us had to belonging, where many of us had to modify or show up in particular ways and modify or show up in particular ways and modify or show up in particular ways and performancedriven ways. And all of these performancedriven ways. And all of these performancedriven ways. And all of these models left out the physical body. You models left out the physical body. You models left out the physical body. You could be eating the healthiest foods, could be eating the healthiest foods, could be eating the healthiest foods, but if you're doing so in a body that's but if you're doing so in a body that's but if you're doing so in a body that's on edge, that's bracing for that next on edge, that's bracing for that next on edge, that's bracing for that next shoe to drop, then that's not going to shoe to drop, then that's not going to shoe to drop, then that's not going to create the safety that your body needs create the safety that your body needs create the safety that your body needs to repair. to repair. to repair. &gt;&gt; What are the practices? What are the &gt;&gt; What are the practices? What are the &gt;&gt; What are the practices? What are the tools? cuz I get the concept, but like tools? cuz I get the concept, but like tools? cuz I get the concept, but like how the hell do I do that? how the hell do I do that? how the hell do I do that? &gt;&gt; We feel more shameful when we know &gt;&gt; We feel more shameful when we know &gt;&gt; We feel more shameful when we know better, when we try to white knuckle or better, when we try to white knuckle or better, when we try to white knuckle or get better quicker and then we end up get better quicker and then we end up get better quicker and then we end up falling right back into those old falling right back into those old falling right back into those old habits. It takes the thing that we hate habits. It takes the thing that we hate habits. It takes the thing that we hate to do. We just have to make consistent to do. We just have to make consistent to do. We just have to make consistent new choices to create that change. new choices to create that change. new choices to create that change. &gt;&gt; The first and most important &gt;&gt; The first and most important &gt;&gt; The first and most important relationship is a relationship to relationship is a relationship to relationship is a relationship to yourself cuz that is what other yourself cuz that is what other yourself cuz that is what other relationships are predicated on. relationships are predicated on. relationships are predicated on. &gt;&gt; Hey, it's Dr. Heyman. I'm so excited to &gt;&gt; Hey, it's Dr. Heyman. I'm so excited to &gt;&gt; Hey, it's Dr. Heyman. I'm so excited to share this episode with you today. But share this episode with you today. But share this episode with you today. But before we dive in, I want to get your before we dive in, I want to get your before we dive in, I want to get your help. Please take a minute to hit that help. Please take a minute to hit that help. Please take a minute to hit that subscribe button. Whether you're subscribe button. Whether you're subscribe button. Whether you're watching here on YouTube or listening on watching here on YouTube or listening on watching here on YouTube or listening on your favorite podcast platform. It truly your favorite podcast platform. It truly your favorite podcast platform. It truly means the world to me and it helps my means the world to me and it helps my means the world to me and it helps my team and I bring you this podcast every team and I bring you this podcast every team and I bring you this podcast every single week. Plus, I don't want you to single week. Plus, I don't want you to single week. Plus, I don't want you to miss a thing. So, thanks so much for miss a thing. So, thanks so much for miss a thing. So, thanks so much for being part of this community and I'm being part of this community and I'm being part of this community and I'm glad you're here. Nicole, welcome to the glad you're here. Nicole, welcome to the glad you're here. Nicole, welcome to the podcast. I'm so looking forward to podcast. I'm so looking forward to podcast. I'm so looking forward to having you because you've kind of been a having you because you've kind of been a having you because you've kind of been a bit of an iconic class when it comes to bit of an iconic class when it comes to bit of an iconic class when it comes to psychotherapy and psychology and you psychotherapy and psychology and you psychotherapy and psychology and you know just challenging the orthodoxy and know just challenging the orthodoxy and know just challenging the orthodoxy and helping us think differently about helping us think differently about helping us think differently about mental health and mental illness and mental health and mental illness and mental health and mental illness and it's like it's kind of refreshing. it's like it's kind of refreshing. it's like it's kind of refreshing. You know, you'd think if we had a model You know, you'd think if we had a model You know, you'd think if we had a model that worked well, everybody be mentally that worked well, everybody be mentally that worked well, everybody be mentally healthy. So something we're doing healthy. So something we're doing healthy. So something we're doing doesn't work just like our model of doesn't work just like our model of doesn't work just like our model of health doesn't really work for chronic health doesn't really work for chronic health doesn't really work for chronic disease which is why we have so many disease which is why we have so many disease which is why we have so many sick people even though we have a great sick people even though we have a great sick people even though we have a great healthare system you know at least an healthare system you know at least an healthare system you know at least an advanced healthcare system. I'm excited advanced healthcare system. I'm excited advanced healthcare system. I'm excited to talk about your new book reparing the to talk about your new book reparing the to talk about your new book reparing the inner child the new science of our inner child the new science of our inner child the new science of our oldest wounds and how to heal them. It's oldest wounds and how to heal them. It's oldest wounds and how to heal them. It's become very personal for me because you become very personal for me because you become very personal for me because you know I thought you know that my know I thought you know that my know I thought you know that my childhood wasn't that bad. I thought childhood wasn't that bad. I thought childhood wasn't that bad. I thought that I was pretty well functioning well that I was pretty well functioning well that I was pretty well functioning well adapted you know a doctor. I've written adapted you know a doctor. I've written adapted you know a doctor. I've written a bunch of books, you know, had a lot of a bunch of books, you know, had a lot of a bunch of books, you know, had a lot of friends, you know, challenging the friends, you know, challenging the friends, you know, challenging the relationship front, so I might need your relationship front, so I might need your relationship front, so I might need your help there offline here. I I really help there offline here. I I really help there offline here. I I really didn't really come to terms with how didn't really come to terms with how didn't really come to terms with how much my childhood much my childhood much my childhood impacted my entire operating system for impacted my entire operating system for impacted my entire operating system for my whole life. my whole life. my whole life. And And And I talked a little bit about it, but I I I talked a little bit about it, but I I I talked a little bit about it, but I I recently had a profound experience recently had a profound experience recently had a profound experience where, where, where, you know, I I I've had a lot of, you you know, I I I've had a lot of, you you know, I I I've had a lot of, you know, therapy and talking and coaching know, therapy and talking and coaching know, therapy and talking and coaching and I understand my patterns. Like I and I understand my patterns. Like I and I understand my patterns. Like I know, you know, my stepfather was know, you know, my stepfather was know, you know, my stepfather was abusive. I know he was a raholic. I know abusive. I know he was a raholic. I know abusive. I know he was a raholic. I know that. So, I'm not trying to get therapy that. So, I'm not trying to get therapy that. So, I'm not trying to get therapy therapy here. Just just being kind of therapy here. Just just being kind of therapy here. Just just being kind of sharp. I know that that um I was taught sharp. I know that that um I was taught sharp. I know that that um I was taught by my mother to be a people pleaser to by my mother to be a people pleaser to by my mother to be a people pleaser to him. I knew that my mother was depressed him. I knew that my mother was depressed him. I knew that my mother was depressed and I had to take care of her and was a and I had to take care of her and was a and I had to take care of her and was a parentified child. I know all this stuff parentified child. I know all this stuff parentified child. I know all this stuff in my head and in my nervous system, in my head and in my nervous system, in my head and in my nervous system, which is why I'm bringing this up cuz in which is why I'm bringing this up cuz in which is why I'm bringing this up cuz in your book, you really go into the your book, you really go into the your book, you really go into the problem is in the nervous system. It's problem is in the nervous system. It's problem is in the nervous system. It's not necessarily just something you can not necessarily just something you can not necessarily just something you can have insight about or just talk about. have insight about or just talk about. have insight about or just talk about. And I and I realized that now even And I and I realized that now even And I and I realized that now even though I have an understanding like I'm though I have an understanding like I'm though I have an understanding like I'm a people pleaser and I'm going to s say a people pleaser and I'm going to s say a people pleaser and I'm going to s say this it sounds really stupid but like I this it sounds really stupid but like I this it sounds really stupid but like I I I I get an email for example from my I I I get an email for example from my I I I get an email for example from my speaking agency that says so and so speaking agency that says so and so speaking agency that says so and so company wants you to speak at their company wants you to speak at their company wants you to speak at their event and I'm like I don't know these event and I'm like I don't know these event and I'm like I don't know these people. I never heard of the company people. I never heard of the company people. I never heard of the company whatever. And I feel all of a sudden whatever. And I feel all of a sudden whatever. And I feel all of a sudden this clutching in my chest, this this clutching in my chest, this this clutching in my chest, this tightness in my belly. Like I get tightness in my belly. Like I get tightness in my belly. Like I get anxious and I'm like, can I say no? I'm anxious and I'm like, can I say no? I'm anxious and I'm like, can I say no? I'm like, I don't really want to go to like like, I don't really want to go to like like, I don't really want to go to like Timbuktu, Iowa to give a talk on Timbuktu, Iowa to give a talk on Timbuktu, Iowa to give a talk on something to a some corporate bunch of something to a some corporate bunch of something to a some corporate bunch of people, but nothing against like I got people, but nothing against like I got people, but nothing against like I got things going on in my life. And I'm like things going on in my life. And I'm like things going on in my life. And I'm like having literally a panic attack about having literally a panic attack about having literally a panic attack about sending out an email that says no. Oh, sending out an email that says no. Oh, sending out an email that says no. Oh, I'm going to disappoint the speakers I'm going to disappoint the speakers I'm going to disappoint the speakers bureau. Oh, I'm going to disappoint the bureau. Oh, I'm going to disappoint the bureau. Oh, I'm going to disappoint the And I'm like this is crazy, right? I And I'm like this is crazy, right? I And I'm like this is crazy, right? I mean, I'm a grown guy. Why Why am I mean, I'm a grown guy. Why Why am I mean, I'm a grown guy. Why Why am I feeling like this? And I I'm just going feeling like this? And I I'm just going feeling like this? And I I'm just going to kind of close the story up by by to kind of close the story up by by to kind of close the story up by by sharing that that I I recently did IEN, sharing that that I I recently did IEN, sharing that that I I recently did IEN, which is a psychedelic from West Africa which is a psychedelic from West Africa which is a psychedelic from West Africa that resets your whole neurochemical that resets your whole neurochemical that resets your whole neurochemical system. And it it it in a way your book system. And it it it in a way your book system. And it it it in a way your book reparing the child reminded me of this reparing the child reminded me of this reparing the child reminded me of this experience I had in that because I was experience I had in that because I was experience I had in that because I was in the very beginning of the journey and in the very beginning of the journey and in the very beginning of the journey and I went right to the basement of my I went right to the basement of my I went right to the basement of my childhood home right just run home from childhood home right just run home from childhood home right just run home from being bullied by these kids and I was being bullied by these kids and I was being bullied by these kids and I was kind of a little nerdy kid. I was a kind of a little nerdy kid. I was a kind of a little nerdy kid. I was a foreigner cuz I was American in Canada. foreigner cuz I was American in Canada. foreigner cuz I was American in Canada. Long story. Anyway, I ran home and I Long story. Anyway, I ran home and I Long story. Anyway, I ran home and I wanted to kill myself. I was just over wanted to kill myself. I was just over wanted to kill myself. I was just over it. I didn't want to be bullied anymore it. I didn't want to be bullied anymore it. I didn't want to be bullied anymore and it was just painful. And then I just and it was just painful. And then I just and it was just painful. And then I just was crying in the basement. I was there was crying in the basement. I was there was crying in the basement. I was there witnessing the whole thing. So I was witnessing the whole thing. So I was witnessing the whole thing. So I was literally visualizing, not really literally visualizing, not really literally visualizing, not really visualizing, but I was literally in the visualizing, but I was literally in the visualizing, but I was literally in the movie of this experience. And I could movie of this experience. And I could movie of this experience. And I could see the colors in the room, the books on see the colors in the room, the books on see the colors in the room, the books on the shelves, the couch, every everything the shelves, the couch, every everything the shelves, the couch, every everything like it was. I hadn't even thought about like it was. I hadn't even thought about like it was. I hadn't even thought about it in like 50 years. And I it in like 50 years. And I it in like 50 years. And I and I and I was like, what does Mark and I and I was like, what does Mark and I and I was like, what does Mark need? Like what did little Marky need? need? Like what did little Marky need? need? Like what did little Marky need? He like he needs his father to tell him He like he needs his father to tell him He like he needs his father to tell him he's safe and he's good and he's loved. he's safe and he's good and he's loved. he's safe and he's good and he's loved. And then and then I needed, you know, And then and then I needed, you know, And then and then I needed, you know, that and he wasn't my father was my that and he wasn't my father was my that and he wasn't my father was my parents were split. father was abandoned parents were split. father was abandoned parents were split. father was abandoned us and was sort of wasn't around. And so us and was sort of wasn't around. And so us and was sort of wasn't around. And so I went in as Mark, my grown-up Mark, I went in as Mark, my grown-up Mark, I went in as Mark, my grown-up Mark, into that room and I held him and I into that room and I held him and I into that room and I held him and I reassured him and then I realized and reassured him and then I realized and reassured him and then I realized and then I realized I had this whole story then I realized I had this whole story then I realized I had this whole story that I made up about that, right? So I I that I made up about that, right? So I I that I made up about that, right? So I I made it mean something which is I have made it mean something which is I have made it mean something which is I have to perform for love when and there's to perform for love when and there's to perform for love when and there's benefits, right? I got trip to New York benefits, right? I got trip to New York benefits, right? I got trip to New York Times bestsellers and blah blah blah, Times bestsellers and blah blah blah, Times bestsellers and blah blah blah, you know, like whatever. But but and you know, like whatever. But but and you know, like whatever. But but and like it's also caused a lot of suffering like it's also caused a lot of suffering like it's also caused a lot of suffering for me and and and so your book it seems for me and and and so your book it seems for me and and and so your book it seems to be an unlock for how to really to be an unlock for how to really to be an unlock for how to really understand um how to handle this in a understand um how to handle this in a understand um how to handle this in a different way. And so I'm just so so different way. And so I'm just so so different way. And so I'm just so so excited you wrote it because it it's excited you wrote it because it it's excited you wrote it because it it's like I said at the intro is sort of like I said at the intro is sort of like I said at the intro is sort of challenging the orthodoxy of how we challenging the orthodoxy of how we challenging the orthodoxy of how we think about mental health and how these think about mental health and how these think about mental health and how these little traumas they can be little little traumas they can be little little traumas they can be little traumas or big traumas that happen. It traumas or big traumas that happen. It traumas or big traumas that happen. It can be neglect. It can be just their can be neglect. It can be just their can be neglect. It can be just their parents weren't attuned to us. They parents weren't attuned to us. They parents weren't attuned to us. They didn't understand us. It could be that didn't understand us. It could be that didn't understand us. It could be that they eat us or they sexually abused us. they eat us or they sexually abused us. they eat us or they sexually abused us. I mean the whole spectrum has profound I mean the whole spectrum has profound I mean the whole spectrum has profound impacts for decades on our health. So impacts for decades on our health. So impacts for decades on our health. So and our mental health and our physical and our mental health and our physical and our mental health and our physical health and so a lot of your book is health and so a lot of your book is health and so a lot of your book is about how these these these patterns about how these these these patterns about how these these these patterns that we adapt like my pattern of being a that we adapt like my pattern of being a that we adapt like my pattern of being a people pleaser overachiever was a people pleaser overachiever was a people pleaser overachiever was a adaptation but ultimately it's it's it's adaptation but ultimately it's it's it's adaptation but ultimately it's it's it's interrupting my full happiness. So kind interrupting my full happiness. So kind interrupting my full happiness. So kind of can you walk us through how you sort of can you walk us through how you sort of can you walk us through how you sort of came to reframe psychology from the of came to reframe psychology from the of came to reframe psychology from the old model of talk therapy to more of the old model of talk therapy to more of the old model of talk therapy to more of the the sort of reparing sematic therapy the sort of reparing sematic therapy the sort of reparing sematic therapy based frameworks and we'll get into what based frameworks and we'll get into what based frameworks and we'll get into what that is and how it affects our biology that is and how it affects our biology that is and how it affects our biology and how it affects our health and where and how it affects our health and where and how it affects our health and where it comes from and all that. So I I'm it comes from and all that. So I I'm it comes from and all that. So I I'm just like I'm so excited about this just like I'm so excited about this just like I'm so excited about this conversation. I I'm so excited honestly, conversation. I I'm so excited honestly, conversation. I I'm so excited honestly, Mark, to be here with you. As I was Mark, to be here with you. As I was Mark, to be here with you. As I was sharing kind of with everyone here, sharing kind of with everyone here, sharing kind of with everyone here, meeting your work and your focus on kind meeting your work and your focus on kind meeting your work and your focus on kind of underlying causes for physical of underlying causes for physical of underlying causes for physical disease and even just awareness and disease and even just awareness and disease and even just awareness and growing my own awareness of the human growing my own awareness of the human growing my own awareness of the human body was so transformational because my body was so transformational because my body was so transformational because my journey began not with this information, journey began not with this information, journey began not with this information, not with learning about the nervous not with learning about the nervous not with learning about the nervous system or nutrition or really the system or nutrition or really the system or nutrition or really the interconnectedness between our mind and interconnectedness between our mind and interconnectedness between our mind and body. In school, much like traditional body. In school, much like traditional body. In school, much like traditional programs, I focused on the mind. And my programs, I focused on the mind. And my programs, I focused on the mind. And my program, like many, focused on the power program, like many, focused on the power program, like many, focused on the power of the mind, right? We change the way we of the mind, right? We change the way we of the mind, right? We change the way we think. Ultimately, we can change how we think. Ultimately, we can change how we think. Ultimately, we can change how we feel and then what we do. So, flash feel and then what we do. So, flash feel and then what we do. So, flash forward, much like you, achievement forward, much like you, achievement forward, much like you, achievement driven. I had all of the letters after driven. I had all of the letters after driven. I had all of the letters after the same school, all of the we went to the same school, all of the we went to the same school, all of the we went to Cornell. So, so much of our personal Cornell. So, so much of our personal Cornell. So, so much of our personal journeys, not having the attunement only journeys, not having the attunement only journeys, not having the attunement only being seen in my own childhood through being seen in my own childhood through being seen in my own childhood through achievement. Some of it I believe is achievement. Some of it I believe is achievement. Some of it I believe is right passed down through generations. right passed down through generations. right passed down through generations. Achievement, finances, that equals Achievement, finances, that equals Achievement, finances, that equals security. So I understand I think why security. So I understand I think why security. So I understand I think why kind of I adapted the way I did. But in kind of I adapted the way I did. But in kind of I adapted the way I did. But in all of this training, I never once all of this training, I never once all of this training, I never once learned about the body. So flash forward learned about the body. So flash forward learned about the body. So flash forward in time, I had a very successful in time, I had a very successful in time, I had a very successful practice. Very gratefully, I would have practice. Very gratefully, I would have practice. Very gratefully, I would have clients, very self-aware clients who clients, very self-aware clients who clients, very self-aware clients who would come in week after week. Myself, I would come in week after week. Myself, I would come in week after week. Myself, I was in talk therapy, the Sigman Freud was in talk therapy, the Sigman Freud was in talk therapy, the Sigman Freud model. if we could talk about right the model. if we could talk about right the model. if we could talk about right the ultimate talk therapy where you li lay ultimate talk therapy where you li lay ultimate talk therapy where you li lay on a couch and you literally just talk. on a couch and you literally just talk. on a couch and you literally just talk. What I started to see and hear and feel What I started to see and hear and feel What I started to see and hear and feel was endless amounts of frustration. This was endless amounts of frustration. This was endless amounts of frustration. This didn't feel like it was working in my didn't feel like it was working in my didn't feel like it was working in my life. I would have clients come in that life. I would have clients come in that life. I would have clients come in that it didn't seem like much like yourself. it didn't seem like much like yourself. it didn't seem like much like yourself. I know my patterns yet in those moments I know my patterns yet in those moments I know my patterns yet in those moments when a text doesn't come. I can't help when a text doesn't come. I can't help when a text doesn't come. I can't help but worry that this person doesn't want but worry that this person doesn't want but worry that this person doesn't want to, you know, be in partnership with me to, you know, be in partnership with me to, you know, be in partnership with me anymore. Or I can't help but push my anymore. Or I can't help but push my anymore. Or I can't help but push my body past its limits to perform or body past its limits to perform or body past its limits to perform or achieve. I continue to hear, I can't achieve. I continue to hear, I can't achieve. I continue to hear, I can't help it, but I'm still stuck repeating help it, but I'm still stuck repeating help it, but I'm still stuck repeating patterns. And a lot of us even repeating patterns. And a lot of us even repeating patterns. And a lot of us even repeating patterns that we see in our families. So patterns that we see in our families. So patterns that we see in our families. So we come to believe this is just who I we come to believe this is just who I we come to believe this is just who I am, how I am, and how I will always be. am, how I am, and how I will always be. am, how I am, and how I will always be. So starting really at a low point where So starting really at a low point where So starting really at a low point where I was like what the endless student in I was like what the endless student in I was like what the endless student in me I went online I'm like what is me I went online I'm like what is me I went online I'm like what is happening here? There's wow look at all happening here? There's wow look at all happening here? There's wow look at all this information about science this information about science this information about science practitioners like yourself and I practitioners like yourself and I practitioners like yourself and I learned I learned about the body. I learned I learned about the body. I learned I learned about the body. I learned about the nervous system and I learned about the nervous system and I learned about the nervous system and I started to put pieces together and started to put pieces together and started to put pieces together and understand that the reason why so many understand that the reason why so many understand that the reason why so many of us are stuck is not because we don't of us are stuck is not because we don't of us are stuck is not because we don't know better. And now we have a world of know better. And now we have a world of know better. And now we have a world of endless information. It's because of endless information. It's because of endless information. It's because of what our body learned in childhood in what our body learned in childhood in what our body learned in childhood in moments where we had to learn how to moments where we had to learn how to moments where we had to learn how to create safety, security, belonging, create safety, security, belonging, create safety, security, belonging, where many of us had to modify or show where many of us had to modify or show where many of us had to modify or show up in particular ways and up in particular ways and up in particular ways and performance-driven ways and appeasement performance-driven ways and appeasement performance-driven ways and appeasement driven ways. And ultimately over time, driven ways. And ultimately over time, driven ways. And ultimately over time, if we didn't feel safe, seen, supported if we didn't feel safe, seen, supported if we didn't feel safe, seen, supported in childhood, our nervous system could in childhood, our nervous system could in childhood, our nervous system could not regulate. And what we are now not regulate. And what we are now not regulate. And what we are now seeing, I think whether you're in the seeing, I think whether you're in the seeing, I think whether you're in the mental health field or system or the mental health field or system or the mental health field or system or the physical health system, it's decades, physical health system, it's decades, physical health system, it's decades, generations of imbalances in our nervous generations of imbalances in our nervous generations of imbalances in our nervous system that are quite literally system that are quite literally system that are quite literally translating into physical health issues translating into physical health issues translating into physical health issues and to emotional health issues. and to emotional health issues. and to emotional health issues. &gt;&gt; Yeah, it's so important. And I and I &gt;&gt; Yeah, it's so important. And I and I &gt;&gt; Yeah, it's so important. And I and I want to I want to sort of loop back on want to I want to sort of loop back on want to I want to sort of loop back on what you mean by sort of in our nervous what you mean by sort of in our nervous what you mean by sort of in our nervous system and nervous system regulation system and nervous system regulation system and nervous system regulation because I don't know most people even because I don't know most people even because I don't know most people even would know what that is. Um you know would know what that is. Um you know would know what that is. Um you know it's like it's like it's like the the ways we adapted to make the the ways we adapted to make the the ways we adapted to make ourselves feel okay worked in that ourselves feel okay worked in that ourselves feel okay worked in that moment but then they don't work in the moment but then they don't work in the moment but then they don't work in the rest of our lives and that becomes and rest of our lives and that becomes and rest of our lives and that becomes and that's what I saw. I saw that the story that's what I saw. I saw that the story that's what I saw. I saw that the story I made up about that story, what I made up about that story, what I made up about that story, what happened to me became the script of my happened to me became the script of my happened to me became the script of my life and that became the operating life and that became the operating life and that became the operating system. Unhooking it has been really system. Unhooking it has been really system. Unhooking it has been really interesting and I I I the Ibegan itself interesting and I I I the Ibegan itself interesting and I I I the Ibegan itself had has some incredible properties of had has some incredible properties of had has some incredible properties of resetting your nervous system in a way resetting your nervous system in a way resetting your nervous system in a way that it is kind of the nervous system that it is kind of the nervous system that it is kind of the nervous system reset that you're talking about, but reset that you're talking about, but reset that you're talking about, but it's not the only part of it, but it's it's not the only part of it, but it's it's not the only part of it, but it's it's really fantastic in how it works. it's really fantastic in how it works. it's really fantastic in how it works. For me, I think people don't understand For me, I think people don't understand For me, I think people don't understand the depth of which these things impact the depth of which these things impact the depth of which these things impact our our lives and our emotional states, our our lives and our emotional states, our our lives and our emotional states, but also our physical states. Um, and but also our physical states. Um, and but also our physical states. Um, and you talk a lot about the these adverse you talk a lot about the these adverse you talk a lot about the these adverse childhood events. This is a a sort of childhood events. This is a a sort of childhood events. This is a a sort of scientifically validated questionnaire scientifically validated questionnaire scientifically validated questionnaire that has been used in medicine to that has been used in medicine to that has been used in medicine to determine when bad [&nbsp;__&nbsp;] happens in your determine when bad [&nbsp;__&nbsp;] happens in your determine when bad [&nbsp;__&nbsp;] happens in your childhood, like how bad is it? And you childhood, like how bad is it? And you childhood, like how bad is it? And you get a score. And you can just go online get a score. And you can just go online get a score. And you can just go online and you can you can fill it out. We'll and you can you can fill it out. We'll and you can you can fill it out. We'll link to it in the show notes, but you link to it in the show notes, but you link to it in the show notes, but you can get a score of what your score. I can get a score of what your score. I can get a score of what your score. I think mine's four or five, I don't know, think mine's four or five, I don't know, think mine's four or five, I don't know, whatever it is. eight or nine or 10 like whatever it is. eight or nine or 10 like whatever it is. eight or nine or 10 like it can be bad and and that is very it can be bad and and that is very it can be bad and and that is very predictive of later health consequences predictive of later health consequences predictive of later health consequences autoimmune diseases cancer obesity autoimmune diseases cancer obesity autoimmune diseases cancer obesity diabetes heart disease I mean it's quite diabetes heart disease I mean it's quite diabetes heart disease I mean it's quite it's quite compelling like it's like it's quite compelling like it's like it's quite compelling like it's like incredible data so maybe you can share a incredible data so maybe you can share a incredible data so maybe you can share a little bit about that data and why little bit about that data and why little bit about that data and why that's so important that's so important that's so important &gt;&gt; yeah so the ASUS score I think what's so &gt;&gt; yeah so the ASUS score I think what's so &gt;&gt; yeah so the ASUS score I think what's so fascinating or the scale itself is while fascinating or the scale itself is while fascinating or the scale itself is while in a lot of ways I think it does focus in a lot of ways I think it does focus in a lot of ways I think it does focus on the more traditional traumas that on the more traditional traumas that on the more traditional traumas that many of us kind of identify or associate many of us kind of identify or associate many of us kind of identify or associate when we hear the word trauma trauma, the when we hear the word trauma trauma, the when we hear the word trauma trauma, the physical and ab abuse, the sexual abuse, physical and ab abuse, the sexual abuse, physical and ab abuse, the sexual abuse, the verbal abuse. It's really the verbal abuse. It's really the verbal abuse. It's really interesting because there are some interesting because there are some interesting because there are some questions in there that touch more on questions in there that touch more on questions in there that touch more on the emotional neglect, the the emotional neglect, the the emotional neglect, the disconnection, not feeling special or disconnection, not feeling special or disconnection, not feeling special or seen in an emotional capacity. And I seen in an emotional capacity. And I seen in an emotional capacity. And I could even make an argument that moments could even make an argument that moments could even make an argument that moments of uh physical abuse, moments of verbal of uh physical abuse, moments of verbal of uh physical abuse, moments of verbal abuse, sexual assault, it talks about abuse, sexual assault, it talks about abuse, sexual assault, it talks about parents being separated, parents dealing parents being separated, parents dealing parents being separated, parents dealing with substance abuse issues or with substance abuse issues or with substance abuse issues or incarceration. If I were to, as my brain incarceration. If I were to, as my brain incarceration. If I were to, as my brain likes to do, simplify what it's really likes to do, simplify what it's really likes to do, simplify what it's really hitting on through I think there's what hitting on through I think there's what hitting on through I think there's what maybe 12, 15 questions. I don't know the maybe 12, 15 questions. I don't know the maybe 12, 15 questions. I don't know the exact number of questions, but it's exact number of questions, but it's exact number of questions, but it's touching on attachment disruption, touching on attachment disruption, touching on attachment disruption, right? When a child doesn't have the right? When a child doesn't have the right? When a child doesn't have the secure attachment, not just the physical secure attachment, not just the physical secure attachment, not just the physical presence or the absence of abusive presence or the absence of abusive presence or the absence of abusive behaviors, but the emotional connection behaviors, but the emotional connection behaviors, but the emotional connection that a developing nervous system needs. that a developing nervous system needs. that a developing nervous system needs. Because when we don't have someone who's Because when we don't have someone who's Because when we don't have someone who's a physically present or b at ease and in a physically present or b at ease and in a physically present or b at ease and in their safe in their own body able to their safe in their own body able to their safe in their own body able to regulate their own stress responses then regulate their own stress responses then regulate their own stress responses then our nervous system isn't going to have our nervous system isn't going to have our nervous system isn't going to have that safe point of co-regulation and that safe point of co-regulation and that safe point of co-regulation and when we don't I mean we then live in a when we don't I mean we then live in a when we don't I mean we then live in a chronically activated body and to speak chronically activated body and to speak chronically activated body and to speak to the study then somewhere down the to the study then somewhere down the to the study then somewhere down the line whether it's all the physical line whether it's all the physical line whether it's all the physical health consequences that you just named health consequences that you just named health consequences that you just named like cancer like heart disease like like cancer like heart disease like like cancer like heart disease like diabetes or in my field the emotional diabetes or in my field the emotional diabetes or in my field the emotional conditions, the anxiety, the depression. conditions, the anxiety, the depression. conditions, the anxiety, the depression. Again, we are now in the field starting Again, we are now in the field starting Again, we are now in the field starting to understand that what underlies these to understand that what underlies these to understand that what underlies these symptoms and these diagnosises much like symptoms and these diagnosises much like symptoms and these diagnosises much like I had myself. Anxiety. I thought I had I had myself. Anxiety. I thought I had I had myself. Anxiety. I thought I had anxiety because there was a anxiety because there was a anxiety because there was a neurotransmitter deficit in my brain. neurotransmitter deficit in my brain. neurotransmitter deficit in my brain. &gt;&gt; Chemical imbalance. &gt;&gt; Chemical imbalance. &gt;&gt; Chemical imbalance. &gt;&gt; Chemical imbalance. If I only right &gt;&gt; Chemical imbalance. If I only right &gt;&gt; Chemical imbalance. If I only right replaced that chemical, I would need to replaced that chemical, I would need to replaced that chemical, I would need to replace it with something external like replace it with something external like replace it with something external like a pill forever or else my levels would a pill forever or else my levels would a pill forever or else my levels would drop again and I would have the drop again and I would have the drop again and I would have the experience then of anxiety. And now we experience then of anxiety. And now we experience then of anxiety. And now we understand anxiety is a completely understand anxiety is a completely understand anxiety is a completely normal appropriate experience of a normal appropriate experience of a normal appropriate experience of a nervous system that's activated. The nervous system that's activated. The nervous system that's activated. The difference though in someone like myself difference though in someone like myself difference though in someone like myself who's chronically anxious and someone who's chronically anxious and someone who's chronically anxious and someone who has anxiety in appropriate moments who has anxiety in appropriate moments who has anxiety in appropriate moments is again a nervous system that can't is again a nervous system that can't is again a nervous system that can't return to baseline that is staying return to baseline that is staying return to baseline that is staying always in that overactive you know state always in that overactive you know state always in that overactive you know state and again somewhere down the line we end and again somewhere down the line we end and again somewhere down the line we end up with gut issues with sleep issues and up with gut issues with sleep issues and up with gut issues with sleep issues and again with either physical or mental again with either physical or mental again with either physical or mental diagnosises that some of us and I saw diagnosises that some of us and I saw diagnosises that some of us and I saw this on a personal note in my mom my mom this on a personal note in my mom my mom this on a personal note in my mom my mom who had a lifetime of trauma both in her who had a lifetime of trauma both in her who had a lifetime of trauma both in her own childhood and in my own family with own childhood and in my own family with own childhood and in my own family with different experiences around health that different experiences around health that different experiences around health that had happened with my sister in had happened with my sister in had happened with my sister in particular. She suffered from chronic particular. She suffered from chronic particular. She suffered from chronic pain and mystery illness up until the pain and mystery illness up until the pain and mystery illness up until the day she died. I mean watching her go day she died. I mean watching her go day she died. I mean watching her go from doctor to doctor to seek and always from doctor to doctor to seek and always from doctor to doctor to seek and always thinking oh well we had the cause now thinking oh well we had the cause now thinking oh well we had the cause now and then we treat that cause and it and then we treat that cause and it and then we treat that cause and it never went away. So living really in the never went away. So living really in the never went away. So living really in the suffering and that's a large reason why suffering and that's a large reason why suffering and that's a large reason why my mom wasn't able while she was my mom wasn't able while she was my mom wasn't able while she was physically present. Emotionally she was physically present. Emotionally she was physically present. Emotionally she was so overwhelmed with her own anxiety with so overwhelmed with her own anxiety with so overwhelmed with her own anxiety with her own physical pain and physical her own physical pain and physical her own physical pain and physical condition that she simply couldn't be condition that she simply couldn't be condition that she simply couldn't be that calm stable baseline for me. So that calm stable baseline for me. So that calm stable baseline for me. So living though in the suffering my whole living though in the suffering my whole living though in the suffering my whole family I mean just to watch that it's family I mean just to watch that it's family I mean just to watch that it's really devastating. really devastating. really devastating. &gt;&gt; Well you mentioned the generational &gt;&gt; Well you mentioned the generational &gt;&gt; Well you mentioned the generational stuff. I just want to look back on that stuff. I just want to look back on that stuff. I just want to look back on that because people don't realize that it's because people don't realize that it's because people don't realize that it's not just your direct family. It's your not just your direct family. It's your not just your direct family. It's your parents' family and her parents' family, parents' family and her parents' family, parents' family and her parents' family, your grandparents family, and it goes your grandparents family, and it goes your grandparents family, and it goes back and that gets written in your back and that gets written in your back and that gets written in your epiggenome. And literally, we don't just epiggenome. And literally, we don't just epiggenome. And literally, we don't just inherit the emotional states, but we inherit the emotional states, but we inherit the emotional states, but we literally have our genes transcribed in literally have our genes transcribed in literally have our genes transcribed in a different way. a different way. a different way. &gt;&gt; And this it's a beautiful adaptation, &gt;&gt; And this it's a beautiful adaptation, &gt;&gt; And this it's a beautiful adaptation, right? Back generations ago, the changes right? Back generations ago, the changes right? Back generations ago, the changes that happen in the individuals, our that happen in the individuals, our that happen in the individuals, our ancestors, that is bodies were ancestors, that is bodies were ancestors, that is bodies were necessary, right? They were responding necessary, right? They were responding necessary, right? They were responding to either food in insufficiency, to either food in insufficiency, to either food in insufficiency, financial insufficiency, emotional financial insufficiency, emotional financial insufficiency, emotional instability, right? That was real. And instability, right? That was real. And instability, right? That was real. And that's what the human system is so that's what the human system is so that's what the human system is so beautifully wise and intelligent, right? beautifully wise and intelligent, right? beautifully wise and intelligent, right? Those adaptations were necessary in Those adaptations were necessary in Those adaptations were necessary in those environments, but because of the those environments, but because of the those environments, but because of the epigenetic changes that then happen, and epigenetic changes that then happen, and epigenetic changes that then happen, and this is again a beautiful system with this is again a beautiful system with this is again a beautiful system with the idea that offspring are going to the idea that offspring are going to the idea that offspring are going to assumably be born into assumably be born into assumably be born into &gt;&gt; the same environment. So right it's like &gt;&gt; the same environment. So right it's like &gt;&gt; the same environment. So right it's like our body and our genes are setting us up our body and our genes are setting us up our body and our genes are setting us up to prepare us for what we think we're to prepare us for what we think we're to prepare us for what we think we're being born into. Now if you you know being born into. Now if you you know being born into. Now if you you know kind of complicate things further by kind of complicate things further by kind of complicate things further by thinking about our first environment thinking about our first environment thinking about our first environment which is in utero. So even before even which is in utero. So even before even which is in utero. So even before even beyond looking for what our ancestors beyond looking for what our ancestors beyond looking for what our ancestors were dealing with and what their were dealing with and what their were dealing with and what their environments look looked like or what environments look looked like or what environments look looked like or what they had to navigate in terms of stress they had to navigate in terms of stress they had to navigate in terms of stress what then did our you know parents what then did our you know parents what then did our you know parents environment look like? how much stress environment look like? how much stress environment look like? how much stress was happening when we were quite was happening when we were quite was happening when we were quite literally developing in the womb. And so literally developing in the womb. And so literally developing in the womb. And so if there was, you know, interpersonal if there was, you know, interpersonal if there was, you know, interpersonal violence, again, if there was any violence, again, if there was any violence, again, if there was any insecurity in finances, in food and insecurity in finances, in food and insecurity in finances, in food and nutrition and whatever, then the nutrition and whatever, then the nutrition and whatever, then the environment that we believe we're being environment that we believe we're being environment that we believe we're being born into is quite an unsafe one. So all born into is quite an unsafe one. So all born into is quite an unsafe one. So all of these adaptations are are beautiful, of these adaptations are are beautiful, of these adaptations are are beautiful, are necessary at one time. What then has are necessary at one time. What then has are necessary at one time. What then has happened though is is for many of us, happened though is is for many of us, happened though is is for many of us, our environments have changed. we've our environments have changed. we've our environments have changed. we've gained more resources or access to them, gained more resources or access to them, gained more resources or access to them, but our nervous systems are still but our nervous systems are still but our nervous systems are still reflecting danger that it believes is reflecting danger that it believes is reflecting danger that it believes is present. present. present. &gt;&gt; It's so interesting because I I think &gt;&gt; It's so interesting because I I think &gt;&gt; It's so interesting because I I think you know this this sort of collective you know this this sort of collective you know this this sort of collective unconscious, this young philosophy, I unconscious, this young philosophy, I unconscious, this young philosophy, I don't know if it's embedded in your work don't know if it's embedded in your work don't know if it's embedded in your work or not, but it feels like it cuz I've or not, but it feels like it cuz I've or not, but it feels like it cuz I've been listening to a lot of it lately on been listening to a lot of it lately on been listening to a lot of it lately on YouTube and some I don't know if it's YouTube and some I don't know if it's YouTube and some I don't know if it's some AI version of him or whatever, but some AI version of him or whatever, but some AI version of him or whatever, but it's actually quite good. it's actually quite good. it's actually quite good. &gt;&gt; Best way to learn &gt;&gt; Best way to learn &gt;&gt; Best way to learn &gt;&gt; and you know, he talks a lot about the &gt;&gt; and you know, he talks a lot about the &gt;&gt; and you know, he talks a lot about the inner child, which is a lot of the work inner child, which is a lot of the work inner child, which is a lot of the work around reparing the inner child. Most around reparing the inner child. Most around reparing the inner child. Most people don't know what is an inner people don't know what is an inner people don't know what is an inner child. Like what does even that mean? child. Like what does even that mean? child. Like what does even that mean? And and also he he talks about this And and also he he talks about this And and also he he talks about this framework which is different than Freud framework which is different than Freud framework which is different than Freud which is more pathology based. He's more which is more pathology based. He's more which is more pathology based. He's more about human development and he he calls about human development and he he calls about human development and he he calls it individuation and your model it's it individuation and your model it's it individuation and your model it's called the individual development model. called the individual development model. called the individual development model. And I'm just wondering if there's some And I'm just wondering if there's some And I'm just wondering if there's some am I just reaching for something or is am I just reaching for something or is am I just reaching for something or is there is there like a connection between there is there like a connection between there is there like a connection between your thinking and how this inner child your thinking and how this inner child your thinking and how this inner child stuff and individuation and like kind of stuff and individuation and like kind of stuff and individuation and like kind of letting go of these childhood traumas letting go of these childhood traumas letting go of these childhood traumas actually can help you become a whole actually can help you become a whole actually can help you become a whole person. person. person. &gt;&gt; Yeah. I mean my model I think really &gt;&gt; Yeah. I mean my model I think really &gt;&gt; Yeah. I mean my model I think really integrates like from Yian to Freudian to integrates like from Yian to Freudian to integrates like from Yian to Freudian to the medical and model and I think that's the medical and model and I think that's the medical and model and I think that's &gt;&gt; I don't mean to pigeon hole you but I &gt;&gt; I don't mean to pigeon hole you but I &gt;&gt; I don't mean to pigeon hole you but I just I was like oh these these seems just I was like oh these these seems just I was like oh these these seems like like like &gt;&gt; absolutely I mean I I inner child I &gt;&gt; absolutely I mean I I inner child I &gt;&gt; absolutely I mean I I inner child I believe he was Jung was maybe the first believe he was Jung was maybe the first believe he was Jung was maybe the first person who like worded that that concept person who like worded that that concept person who like worded that that concept and then of course John Bradshaw made a and then of course John Bradshaw made a and then of course John Bradshaw made a career on speaking about it. So by by no career on speaking about it. So by by no career on speaking about it. So by by no stretch of the imagination am I the stretch of the imagination am I the stretch of the imagination am I the first one to speak of anything of you first one to speak of anything of you first one to speak of anything of you know these are not new concepts but the know these are not new concepts but the know these are not new concepts but the model that I'm presenting is now an model that I'm presenting is now an model that I'm presenting is now an integrated one because there's been a integrated one because there's been a integrated one because there's been a million different kind of developmental million different kind of developmental million different kind of developmental models but in my opinion they've really models but in my opinion they've really models but in my opinion they've really only focused on one aspect of only focused on one aspect of only focused on one aspect of development right cognitive development development right cognitive development development right cognitive development how we go through these different stages how we go through these different stages how we go through these different stages and we learn to think differently or and we learn to think differently or and we learn to think differently or kind of socioeotional development how kind of socioeotional development how kind of socioeotional development how this is I think the closest one to my this is I think the closest one to my this is I think the closest one to my model simply right how my emotional model simply right how my emotional model simply right how my emotional relationships impact act my development relationships impact act my development relationships impact act my development as a person. But all of these models as a person. But all of these models as a person. But all of these models left out the physical body. And left out the physical body. And left out the physical body. And universally, I mean, we all we all are universally, I mean, we all we all are universally, I mean, we all we all are wired, right? We we all we the same wired, right? We we all we the same wired, right? We we all we the same foundation. Put it that way. We're not foundation. Put it that way. We're not foundation. Put it that way. We're not wired in the same way. wired in the same way. wired in the same way. &gt;&gt; We have the same wiring. &gt;&gt; We have the same wiring. &gt;&gt; We have the same wiring. &gt;&gt; Wiring, right, is influenced and &gt;&gt; Wiring, right, is influenced and &gt;&gt; Wiring, right, is influenced and tailored to our environment. And so if I tailored to our environment. And so if I tailored to our environment. And so if I were to want to get like really were to want to get like really were to want to get like really simplified of what inner child is, it's simplified of what inner child is, it's simplified of what inner child is, it's all of those habits that we learned in all of those habits that we learned in all of those habits that we learned in our earliest environments to create our earliest environments to create our earliest environments to create safety for oursel to express ourself to safety for oursel to express ourself to safety for oursel to express ourself to learn how to be in relationship with learn how to be in relationship with learn how to be in relationship with other people because in childhood that's other people because in childhood that's other people because in childhood that's what's most important and most of that what's most important and most of that what's most important and most of that learning is happening unconsciously learning is happening unconsciously learning is happening unconsciously without words. Which is why even the way without words. Which is why even the way without words. Which is why even the way you described it, right? I I I had this you described it, right? I I I had this you described it, right? I I I had this experience and my heart got I I felt experience and my heart got I I felt experience and my heart got I I felt this tension, this clenching, this this tension, this clenching, this this tension, this clenching, this sinking stomach. That is the living then sinking stomach. That is the living then sinking stomach. That is the living then memory of what happened, right? And then memory of what happened, right? And then memory of what happened, right? And then you have the awareness to say, "Oh, you have the awareness to say, "Oh, you have the awareness to say, "Oh, well, because it traces back to this well, because it traces back to this well, because it traces back to this moment in childhood where I was, you moment in childhood where I was, you moment in childhood where I was, you know, being bullied and I had a need and know, being bullied and I had a need and know, being bullied and I had a need and I understand this now narrative I've I understand this now narrative I've I understand this now narrative I've developed, right?" But the body spoke developed, right?" But the body spoke developed, right?" But the body spoke first. And so few of us and I will be first. And so few of us and I will be first. And so few of us and I will be the first to share of course being a the first to share of course being a the first to share of course being a clinical psychologist I spent the large clinical psychologist I spent the large clinical psychologist I spent the large majority of my life living in my mind majority of my life living in my mind majority of my life living in my mind thinking I was you know being um thinking I was you know being um thinking I was you know being um psychologically aware and insightful and psychologically aware and insightful and psychologically aware and insightful and right so very few of us humans I don't right so very few of us humans I don't right so very few of us humans I don't think we're practiced in living in a think we're practiced in living in a think we're practiced in living in a body and we're definitely did not have body and we're definitely did not have body and we're definitely did not have the modeling that we needed to develop the modeling that we needed to develop the modeling that we needed to develop emotional maturity or simply the ability emotional maturity or simply the ability emotional maturity or simply the ability to be with emotions and to regulate to be with emotions and to regulate to be with emotions and to regulate greater and greater emotions over time greater and greater emotions over time greater and greater emotions over time again because we were raised by parents again because we were raised by parents again because we were raised by parents who lacked resources, who lacked who lacked resources, who lacked who lacked resources, who lacked information. I mean, it's mind-blowing information. I mean, it's mind-blowing information. I mean, it's mind-blowing to me that only I think it was in the to me that only I think it was in the to me that only I think it was in the 70s maybe where the cry it out method. I 70s maybe where the cry it out method. I 70s maybe where the cry it out method. I mean, if you read mean, if you read mean, if you read &gt;&gt; Oh my god. Fur furizing &gt;&gt; Oh my god. Fur furizing &gt;&gt; Oh my god. Fur furizing &gt;&gt; parenting books, furizing psychologists &gt;&gt; parenting books, furizing psychologists &gt;&gt; parenting books, furizing psychologists even would have told a parent to put even would have told a parent to put even would have told a parent to put your child in a room and if it cries your child in a room and if it cries your child in a room and if it cries enough it'll eventually enough it'll eventually enough it'll eventually &gt;&gt; a little bit of that here to my dad to &gt;&gt; a little bit of that here to my dad to &gt;&gt; a little bit of that here to my dad to my daughter. She would like put in the my daughter. She would like put in the my daughter. She would like put in the room and let her cry like oh. room and let her cry like oh. room and let her cry like oh. &gt;&gt; And that's only because I mean no shame &gt;&gt; And that's only because I mean no shame &gt;&gt; And that's only because I mean no shame not in meant to shame parents. you were not in meant to shame parents. you were not in meant to shame parents. you were doing the advice at the time that was doing the advice at the time that was doing the advice at the time that was not grounded in awareness of of the not grounded in awareness of of the not grounded in awareness of of the nervous system. So very few of us again nervous system. So very few of us again nervous system. So very few of us again had the parents that not only knew what had the parents that not only knew what had the parents that not only knew what to do but could do it, right? It's and I to do but could do it, right? It's and I to do but could do it, right? It's and I think now we have a lot of parents that think now we have a lot of parents that think now we have a lot of parents that are really aware and have more aligned are really aware and have more aligned are really aware and have more aligned parenting practices. But if in their own parenting practices. But if in their own parenting practices. But if in their own bodies they don't feel safe. They don't bodies they don't feel safe. They don't bodies they don't feel safe. They don't feel at ease. They can't tolerate feel at ease. They can't tolerate feel at ease. They can't tolerate disappointment or uncomfortable emotions disappointment or uncomfortable emotions disappointment or uncomfortable emotions then what their child even if they're then what their child even if they're then what their child even if they're saying the right things unfortunately saying the right things unfortunately saying the right things unfortunately the child is going to feel the energy of the child is going to feel the energy of the child is going to feel the energy of their body and of their nervous system. their body and of their nervous system. their body and of their nervous system. Which is why in my opinion this work is Which is why in my opinion this work is Which is why in my opinion this work is more important than ever so that we can more important than ever so that we can more important than ever so that we can align insight with action and actually align insight with action and actually align insight with action and actually begin to break the cycles. begin to break the cycles. begin to break the cycles. &gt;&gt; Yeah, it's such an important it's such &gt;&gt; Yeah, it's such an important it's such &gt;&gt; Yeah, it's such an important it's such an important frame of the whole problem an important frame of the whole problem an important frame of the whole problem of mental health because you're right, of mental health because you're right, of mental health because you're right, you could talk forever about it. I had you could talk forever about it. I had you could talk forever about it. I had these insights forever about it, but these insights forever about it, but these insights forever about it, but unless I reset my nervous system, I unless I reset my nervous system, I unless I reset my nervous system, I can't when I get that email, I can't can't when I get that email, I can't can't when I get that email, I can't stop that automatic response, right? I stop that automatic response, right? I stop that automatic response, right? I don't know how to regulate it. And when don't know how to regulate it. And when don't know how to regulate it. And when you I think that's kind of what you mean you I think that's kind of what you mean you I think that's kind of what you mean by nervous system regulation. the the by nervous system regulation. the the by nervous system regulation. the the model of of that you've sort of model of of that you've sort of model of of that you've sort of developed is really about sort of developed is really about sort of developed is really about sort of reestablishing and it's kind of it reestablishing and it's kind of it reestablishing and it's kind of it reminds me a little bit of attachment reminds me a little bit of attachment reminds me a little bit of attachment theory where part of the therapy for theory where part of the therapy for theory where part of the therapy for that is is reparing yourself is the that is is reparing yourself is the that is is reparing yourself is the idealized parent what would your like idealized parent what would your like idealized parent what would your like when when I was sharing earlier about when when I was sharing earlier about when when I was sharing earlier about that journey where I went in as my adult that journey where I went in as my adult that journey where I went in as my adult you know 65year-old grown-up Mark into you know 65year-old grown-up Mark into you know 65year-old grown-up Mark into the room to comfort the little Mark the room to comfort the little Mark the room to comfort the little Mark that in a sense a little bit of reparing that in a sense a little bit of reparing that in a sense a little bit of reparing I don't know if that's it is I'm just I don't know if that's it is I'm just I don't know if that's it is I'm just guessing but I'm kind of and it it guessing but I'm kind of and it it guessing but I'm kind of and it it really helps And I and I do that every really helps And I and I do that every really helps And I and I do that every single day. When I wake up, I meditate. single day. When I wake up, I meditate. single day. When I wake up, I meditate. I do breath work and I and I go back to I do breath work and I and I go back to I do breath work and I and I go back to those scenes and I reexperience that those scenes and I reexperience that those scenes and I reexperience that physiologically. And it's really helped physiologically. And it's really helped physiologically. And it's really helped me, you know, since I did it to kind of me, you know, since I did it to kind of me, you know, since I did it to kind of anchor that experience. And and so now anchor that experience. And and so now anchor that experience. And and so now when I get those emails, I'm like, "No, when I get those emails, I'm like, "No, when I get those emails, I'm like, "No, it's okay. I'm going to say no without it's okay. I'm going to say no without it's okay. I'm going to say no without the physiological response." And that I the physiological response." And that I the physiological response." And that I mean so if I want to simplify right mean so if I want to simplify right mean so if I want to simplify right reparing is a becoming aware that we reparing is a becoming aware that we reparing is a becoming aware that we have these parts of us that are speaking have these parts of us that are speaking have these parts of us that are speaking through our body not to shame them not through our body not to shame them not through our body not to shame them not to write just think rationalize oh to write just think rationalize oh to write just think rationalize oh childhood was so far back there I don't childhood was so far back there I don't childhood was so far back there I don't want to think about it it was too want to think about it it was too want to think about it it was too painful or it's unnecessary and to see painful or it's unnecessary and to see painful or it's unnecessary and to see in real time again through the spoken in real time again through the spoken in real time again through the spoken language of our body how alive childhood language of our body how alive childhood language of our body how alive childhood really is. I mean we don't have to in a really is. I mean we don't have to in a really is. I mean we don't have to in a woo woo way or like you know cradle our woo woo way or like you know cradle our woo woo way or like you know cradle our inner child. As simple as yes, my body inner child. As simple as yes, my body inner child. As simple as yes, my body when Mark, right, is opening an email, I when Mark, right, is opening an email, I when Mark, right, is opening an email, I can say the same for me. I can't say no. can say the same for me. I can't say no. can say the same for me. I can't say no. I hate to say no, right? Boundaries, I hate to say no, right? Boundaries, I hate to say no, right? Boundaries, limitations, not something I learned. I limitations, not something I learned. I limitations, not something I learned. I love to be a people pleaser and be love to be a people pleaser and be love to be a people pleaser and be presented, right, in a certain way. I presented, right, in a certain way. I presented, right, in a certain way. I don't like to disappoint others. I don't like to disappoint others. I don't like to disappoint others. I struggle to tolerate disappointment struggle to tolerate disappointment struggle to tolerate disappointment myself. There you go. So, here we go. myself. There you go. So, here we go. myself. There you go. So, here we go. So, So, So, &gt;&gt; we're in the same club. &gt;&gt; we're in the same club. &gt;&gt; we're in the same club. &gt;&gt; I've opened up the email and my body is &gt;&gt; I've opened up the email and my body is &gt;&gt; I've opened up the email and my body is speaking. So, whether or not I want to speaking. So, whether or not I want to speaking. So, whether or not I want to say, "Oh, this is my inner child, right? say, "Oh, this is my inner child, right? say, "Oh, this is my inner child, right? Worried to say no in this moment. afraid Worried to say no in this moment. afraid Worried to say no in this moment. afraid of disappointing mom or dad or whomever. of disappointing mom or dad or whomever. of disappointing mom or dad or whomever. What is most important is to just honor What is most important is to just honor What is most important is to just honor that my body is having a reaction. It's that my body is having a reaction. It's that my body is having a reaction. It's real and then right getting curious real and then right getting curious real and then right getting curious because the reality of it is and I think because the reality of it is and I think because the reality of it is and I think this is sometimes embarrassing so I'll this is sometimes embarrassing so I'll this is sometimes embarrassing so I'll be the first to say it. I'm a 43year-old be the first to say it. I'm a 43year-old be the first to say it. I'm a 43year-old adult who still doesn't fully know what adult who still doesn't fully know what adult who still doesn't fully know what I need in most moments of the day. I need in most moments of the day. I need in most moments of the day. Right? So especially when I'm having a Right? So especially when I'm having a Right? So especially when I'm having a big emotion. big emotion. big emotion. &gt;&gt; Don't feel so bad. I'm 66 and I still &gt;&gt; Don't feel so bad. I'm 66 and I still &gt;&gt; Don't feel so bad. I'm 66 and I still &gt;&gt; no idea. Right. I'm still learning, but &gt;&gt; no idea. Right. I'm still learning, but &gt;&gt; no idea. Right. I'm still learning, but I can sit here and talk about it. But I can sit here and talk about it. But I can sit here and talk about it. But when it's the lived experience, like I when it's the lived experience, like I when it's the lived experience, like I don't know fully how to take care of don't know fully how to take care of don't know fully how to take care of myself. I don't know, especially myself. I don't know, especially myself. I don't know, especially emotionally how to take care of myself. emotionally how to take care of myself. emotionally how to take care of myself. I still struggle to share when I'm in an I still struggle to share when I'm in an I still struggle to share when I'm in an emotionally invulnerable place and I emotionally invulnerable place and I emotionally invulnerable place and I need support because this is not need support because this is not need support because this is not something that I've practiced. So I'm something that I've practiced. So I'm something that I've practiced. So I'm sharing that because I think the journey sharing that because I think the journey sharing that because I think the journey for a lot of us begins again when we for a lot of us begins again when we for a lot of us begins again when we tune into our body is having a reaction. tune into our body is having a reaction. tune into our body is having a reaction. Often it is the past alive in the Often it is the past alive in the Often it is the past alive in the present. If we do have the awareness of present. If we do have the awareness of present. If we do have the awareness of all these stories and identities and all these stories and identities and all these stories and identities and roles and dynamics that we play in a roles and dynamics that we play in a roles and dynamics that we play in a relationship, great. though the real relationship, great. though the real relationship, great. though the real action and change happens when we get action and change happens when we get action and change happens when we get curious first and begin to explore well curious first and begin to explore well curious first and begin to explore well I don't maybe I don't know exactly how I don't maybe I don't know exactly how I don't maybe I don't know exactly how to make myself feel better right now but to make myself feel better right now but to make myself feel better right now but you know I could try I could experiment you know I could try I could experiment you know I could try I could experiment with different things with different things with different things &gt;&gt; and and and and so that I want to get &gt;&gt; and and and and so that I want to get &gt;&gt; and and and and so that I want to get into more around how how the practices into more around how how the practices into more around how how the practices work because that you talk about a lot work because that you talk about a lot work because that you talk about a lot in your book how to actually implement a in your book how to actually implement a in your book how to actually implement a model of of nervous system reeregulation model of of nervous system reeregulation model of of nervous system reeregulation you know but but what I find really you know but but what I find really you know but but what I find really interesting is your your sort of interesting is your your sort of interesting is your your sort of widening the aperture around mental widening the aperture around mental widening the aperture around mental health to talk about not just your own health to talk about not just your own health to talk about not just your own mental health, not just your childhood mental health, not just your childhood mental health, not just your childhood trauma, but also the ancestral trauma we trauma, but also the ancestral trauma we trauma, but also the ancestral trauma we talked about already and even the talked about already and even the talked about already and even the cultural trauma and your own life cultural trauma and your own life cultural trauma and your own life stresses. So, you got so many layers. stresses. So, you got so many layers. stresses. So, you got so many layers. You've got your childhood environment, You've got your childhood environment, You've got your childhood environment, you've got your ancestral trauma, you've you've got your ancestral trauma, you've you've got your ancestral trauma, you've got the culture, you've got your actual got the culture, you've got your actual got the culture, you've got your actual life stresses. It's a lot to deal with. life stresses. It's a lot to deal with. life stresses. It's a lot to deal with. And that all kind of And that all kind of And that all kind of &gt;&gt; in some ways works to &gt;&gt; in some ways works to &gt;&gt; in some ways works to &gt;&gt; um disregulate us. &gt;&gt; um disregulate us. &gt;&gt; um disregulate us. &gt;&gt; I mean I think generally speaking before &gt;&gt; I mean I think generally speaking before &gt;&gt; I mean I think generally speaking before we even think about our individual we even think about our individual we even think about our individual cultural belief systems which absolutely cultural belief systems which absolutely cultural belief systems which absolutely you know cause cause stress tell us what you know cause cause stress tell us what you know cause cause stress tell us what roles or things are appropriate or not roles or things are appropriate or not roles or things are appropriate or not appropriate. I if I want to speak as appropriate. I if I want to speak as appropriate. I if I want to speak as generally as possible society I mean generally as possible society I mean generally as possible society I mean society has has shifted. We have society has has shifted. We have society has has shifted. We have information available at any given information available at any given information available at any given moment of any day. We live under blue moment of any day. We live under blue moment of any day. We live under blue lights. Very few of us are even have lights. Very few of us are even have lights. Very few of us are even have earth or grass to go touch at any given earth or grass to go touch at any given earth or grass to go touch at any given time. I mean, we quite literally are time. I mean, we quite literally are time. I mean, we quite literally are living so disconnected from how we're living so disconnected from how we're living so disconnected from how we're wired to live, you know, in small wired to live, you know, in small wired to live, you know, in small villages, not in huge cities, not living villages, not in huge cities, not living villages, not in huge cities, not living on top of each other with all of the on top of each other with all of the on top of each other with all of the noise and the sirens, being connected to noise and the sirens, being connected to noise and the sirens, being connected to the earth's rhythms, waking up at the the earth's rhythms, waking up at the the earth's rhythms, waking up at the sun, sleeping with the moon. I mean, sun, sleeping with the moon. I mean, sun, sleeping with the moon. I mean, this sounds like a a great vacation for this sounds like a a great vacation for this sounds like a a great vacation for some of us that we wish we could sign up some of us that we wish we could sign up some of us that we wish we could sign up for, but it's not the life we're living. for, but it's not the life we're living. for, but it's not the life we're living. like during co when I was in Maui and I like during co when I was in Maui and I like during co when I was in Maui and I just lived outside and woke up with the just lived outside and woke up with the just lived outside and woke up with the sun and went to bed with sun and went to bed with sun and went to bed with &gt;&gt; right but that's and then we have &gt;&gt; right but that's and then we have &gt;&gt; right but that's and then we have pressures and financial obligations and pressures and financial obligations and pressures and financial obligations and very few of us are living geographically very few of us are living geographically very few of us are living geographically near family or support or you know have near family or support or you know have near family or support or you know have migrated to other you know countries or migrated to other you know countries or migrated to other you know countries or what have you. So we are living in a what have you. So we are living in a what have you. So we are living in a very stressful urgent you know uh very stressful urgent you know uh very stressful urgent you know uh inducing culture society. Then again, inducing culture society. Then again, inducing culture society. Then again, you begin to think about the different you begin to think about the different you begin to think about the different cultural systems that we were born up cultural systems that we were born up cultural systems that we were born up in. Not all of them are aligned with in. Not all of them are aligned with in. Not all of them are aligned with what is healthy and or with what we need what is healthy and or with what we need what is healthy and or with what we need individually. Yet, when we're born into individually. Yet, when we're born into individually. Yet, when we're born into these systems, right, we're assumed that these systems, right, we're assumed that these systems, right, we're assumed that we're just going to adopt all of those we're just going to adopt all of those we're just going to adopt all of those cultural aspects. And again, not always cultural aspects. And again, not always cultural aspects. And again, not always is that healthy for us or appropriate. is that healthy for us or appropriate. is that healthy for us or appropriate. The other the other thing that's really The other the other thing that's really The other the other thing that's really refreshing about your work is that a lot refreshing about your work is that a lot refreshing about your work is that a lot of people feel shame and feel bad about of people feel shame and feel bad about of people feel shame and feel bad about themselves for having anxiety or themselves for having anxiety or themselves for having anxiety or depression or having any mental health depression or having any mental health depression or having any mental health issue. Oh, and there's such a stigma issue. Oh, and there's such a stigma issue. Oh, and there's such a stigma about it, but you kind of reframe it as about it, but you kind of reframe it as about it, but you kind of reframe it as not that there's something wrong with not that there's something wrong with not that there's something wrong with you. I'd love to sort of maybe have you you. I'd love to sort of maybe have you you. I'd love to sort of maybe have you share how how you have reframed this share how how you have reframed this share how how you have reframed this from the traditional model of like from the traditional model of like from the traditional model of like you've got a condition that's bad and you've got a condition that's bad and you've got a condition that's bad and you're mentally ill to this is just you're mentally ill to this is just you're mentally ill to this is just you're at best a patient to a bad set of you're at best a patient to a bad set of you're at best a patient to a bad set of circumstances. circumstances. circumstances. &gt;&gt; So two things I want to say about shame. &gt;&gt; So two things I want to say about shame. &gt;&gt; So two things I want to say about shame. The first is again when we have The first is again when we have The first is again when we have awareness of the different underlying awareness of the different underlying awareness of the different underlying learnings the lack of safety that learnings the lack of safety that learnings the lack of safety that manifested again whether it's the manifested again whether it's the manifested again whether it's the depression that we feel shameful about depression that we feel shameful about depression that we feel shameful about because we can't get off the couch or because we can't get off the couch or because we can't get off the couch or right we want to be productive but we're right we want to be productive but we're right we want to be productive but we're just too anxious. So I think when we just too anxious. So I think when we just too anxious. So I think when we have that awareness we can relieve some have that awareness we can relieve some have that awareness we can relieve some of the shame understanding that these of the shame understanding that these of the shame understanding that these were normal adaptations to a stressful were normal adaptations to a stressful were normal adaptations to a stressful life experience. Something else I want life experience. Something else I want life experience. Something else I want to say about shame because shame is to say about shame because shame is to say about shame because shame is actually quite a natural human emotion. actually quite a natural human emotion. actually quite a natural human emotion. It's a necessary one. It helps us to It's a necessary one. It helps us to It's a necessary one. It helps us to understand that our social connections understand that our social connections understand that our social connections are important because shame happens when are important because shame happens when are important because shame happens when we step out of boundaries socially, we step out of boundaries socially, we step out of boundaries socially, right? We get embarrassed. So it is a right? We get embarrassed. So it is a right? We get embarrassed. So it is a way to kind of keep us within the guard way to kind of keep us within the guard way to kind of keep us within the guard rails to stay connected because we are rails to stay connected because we are rails to stay connected because we are much safer and stronger as a human when much safer and stronger as a human when much safer and stronger as a human when we are in a community. So we have to we are in a community. So we have to we are in a community. So we have to think about shame being natural normal think about shame being natural normal think about shame being natural normal healthy. But of course the shame many of healthy. But of course the shame many of healthy. But of course the shame many of us are living with is foundational is us are living with is foundational is us are living with is foundational is toxic is grown out of a childhood. toxic is grown out of a childhood. toxic is grown out of a childhood. Because in childhood when we are Because in childhood when we are Because in childhood when we are dependent we need someone to take care dependent we need someone to take care dependent we need someone to take care of us. We literally can't physically of us. We literally can't physically of us. We literally can't physically care for ourselves. Again, our nervous care for ourselves. Again, our nervous care for ourselves. Again, our nervous systems can't regulate on their own. So systems can't regulate on their own. So systems can't regulate on their own. So when mom or dad or whomever isn't when mom or dad or whomever isn't when mom or dad or whomever isn't physically present or emotionally physically present or emotionally physically present or emotionally present, the only way our mind, you kind present, the only way our mind, you kind present, the only way our mind, you kind of have brought up this idea of of have brought up this idea of of have brought up this idea of interpretation and and a meaning a lot. interpretation and and a meaning a lot. interpretation and and a meaning a lot. The only way our mind can make sense of The only way our mind can make sense of The only way our mind can make sense of what's happening is it will assign us as what's happening is it will assign us as what's happening is it will assign us as the cause of their behavior because we the cause of their behavior because we the cause of their behavior because we don't have the maturity to zoom out and don't have the maturity to zoom out and don't have the maturity to zoom out and see all the different reasons why mom or see all the different reasons why mom or see all the different reasons why mom or dad might not be able to show up the way dad might not be able to show up the way dad might not be able to show up the way we wanted or needed to. So something we wanted or needed to. So something we wanted or needed to. So something you're doing wrong you're doing wrong you're doing wrong &gt;&gt; that have nothing to do with us. And the &gt;&gt; that have nothing to do with us. And the &gt;&gt; that have nothing to do with us. And the second aspect is it's safer because it second aspect is it's safer because it second aspect is it's safer because it puts us back in control because we are puts us back in control because we are puts us back in control because we are very attuned as children. So if I can very attuned as children. So if I can very attuned as children. So if I can get the sense of what makes mom or dad get the sense of what makes mom or dad get the sense of what makes mom or dad go away, right? I'm simplifying it. I go away, right? I'm simplifying it. I go away, right? I'm simplifying it. I can then modify how I am to try to get can then modify how I am to try to get can then modify how I am to try to get them to come back quicker or to stay. So them to come back quicker or to stay. So them to come back quicker or to stay. So what happens then is if I'm to simplify what happens then is if I'm to simplify what happens then is if I'm to simplify it for whatever reason mom or dad it for whatever reason mom or dad it for whatever reason mom or dad couldn't meet my needs the immature just couldn't meet my needs the immature just couldn't meet my needs the immature just developmentally I mean meaning that my developmentally I mean meaning that my developmentally I mean meaning that my mind or story my mind will tell is I mind or story my mind will tell is I mind or story my mind will tell is I have done something wrong right I am at have done something wrong right I am at have done something wrong right I am at fault and there is the kind of like seed fault and there is the kind of like seed fault and there is the kind of like seed of shame and then of course we have of shame and then of course we have of shame and then of course we have individualize we tailor right why I'm at individualize we tailor right why I'm at individualize we tailor right why I'm at fault so for me I think it might be fault so for me I think it might be fault so for me I think it might be similar right I'm at fault because I am similar right I'm at fault because I am similar right I'm at fault because I am not performing I'm not showing up as an not performing I'm not showing up as an not performing I'm not showing up as an easy child, as successful in this way. easy child, as successful in this way. easy child, as successful in this way. So, I will be more of that. And then all So, I will be more of that. And then all So, I will be more of that. And then all of those parts of me that aren't of those parts of me that aren't of those parts of me that aren't performative, easy, successful, I can performative, easy, successful, I can performative, easy, successful, I can continue to shame because that was the continue to shame because that was the continue to shame because that was the messages that I got. So, I when we have messages that I got. So, I when we have messages that I got. So, I when we have this understanding not only of why we're this understanding not only of why we're this understanding not only of why we're struggling or stuck in the way that we struggling or stuck in the way that we struggling or stuck in the way that we are, but also when we understand why so are, but also when we understand why so are, but also when we understand why so many of us feel so deeply unworthy, it's many of us feel so deeply unworthy, it's many of us feel so deeply unworthy, it's because we assigned that meaning. We because we assigned that meaning. We because we assigned that meaning. We weren't worthy of care in childhood. And weren't worthy of care in childhood. And weren't worthy of care in childhood. And that's real. We don't want to invalidate that's real. We don't want to invalidate that's real. We don't want to invalidate that. We want to leave space for how sad that. We want to leave space for how sad that. We want to leave space for how sad that is, how angry you might feel. And that is, how angry you might feel. And that is, how angry you might feel. And then through action, we want to show our then through action, we want to show our then through action, we want to show our self-worthiness by learning how to care self-worthiness by learning how to care self-worthiness by learning how to care and nurture for ourselves. and nurture for ourselves. and nurture for ourselves. &gt;&gt; And we both went to Cornell, so I'm &gt;&gt; And we both went to Cornell, so I'm &gt;&gt; And we both went to Cornell, so I'm wondering in my mind like what's in the wondering in my mind like what's in the wondering in my mind like what's in the water up there? water up there? water up there? &gt;&gt; No. No. How many kids that go to Ivy &gt;&gt; No. No. How many kids that go to Ivy &gt;&gt; No. No. How many kids that go to Ivy League colleges have this story about League colleges have this story about League colleges have this story about performance? You know, like performance? You know, like performance? You know, like &gt;&gt; and I think we're the it's confusing &gt;&gt; and I think we're the it's confusing &gt;&gt; and I think we're the it's confusing because I think I much like you, right? because I think I much like you, right? because I think I much like you, right? I saw the world celebrating me. I had I saw the world celebrating me. I had I saw the world celebrating me. I had everything. I had a successful practice. everything. I had a successful practice. everything. I had a successful practice. I had all these accolades, right? I I I had all these accolades, right? I I I had all these accolades, right? I I had partners. So shame when I when I had partners. So shame when I when I had partners. So shame when I when I talk about shame, shame was something I talk about shame, shame was something I talk about shame, shame was something I wouldn't even speak about because who wouldn't even speak about because who wouldn't even speak about because who was I to be not fulfilled or or not was I to be not fulfilled or or not was I to be not fulfilled or or not happy in life, right? Because I had it happy in life, right? Because I had it happy in life, right? Because I had it all. And it felt very shameful for me in all. And it felt very shameful for me in all. And it felt very shameful for me in the beginning to start to admit like I the beginning to start to admit like I the beginning to start to admit like I actually don't I don't feel fulfilled. I actually don't I don't feel fulfilled. I actually don't I don't feel fulfilled. I fantasize about running away from this fantasize about running away from this fantasize about running away from this life that I've created for myself. And life that I've created for myself. And life that I've created for myself. And that was very real, that disconnection, that was very real, that disconnection, that was very real, that disconnection, that lack of fulfillment. But I was kind that lack of fulfillment. But I was kind that lack of fulfillment. But I was kind of inadvertently shaming myself for of inadvertently shaming myself for of inadvertently shaming myself for feeling that way because I didn't have feeling that way because I didn't have feeling that way because I didn't have the reason or the story that I was the reason or the story that I was the reason or the story that I was taught would lead to those behaviors. taught would lead to those behaviors. taught would lead to those behaviors. &gt;&gt; So maybe people have heard about and I &gt;&gt; So maybe people have heard about and I &gt;&gt; So maybe people have heard about and I want to sort of loop back to we were want to sort of loop back to we were want to sort of loop back to we were getting to how to reparent because this getting to how to reparent because this getting to how to reparent because this is the whole thesis of your book, right? is the whole thesis of your book, right? is the whole thesis of your book, right? We're talking about the why we need to We're talking about the why we need to We're talking about the why we need to reparent now like and how we're we kind reparent now like and how we're we kind reparent now like and how we're we kind of misinterpret a lot of information of misinterpret a lot of information of misinterpret a lot of information that came to us as children as our best that came to us as children as our best that came to us as children as our best adaptation to a shitty environment. You adaptation to a shitty environment. You adaptation to a shitty environment. You know, the the idea of like the know, the the idea of like the know, the the idea of like the attachment frameworks is something that attachment frameworks is something that attachment frameworks is something that not most people know about, but I only not most people know about, but I only not most people know about, but I only learned about it fairly recently. learned about it fairly recently. learned about it fairly recently. There's like the anxious attachment There's like the anxious attachment There's like the anxious attachment where you where you respond to a shitty where you where you respond to a shitty where you where you respond to a shitty environment by getting more anxious environment by getting more anxious environment by getting more anxious about things and being more needy or the about things and being more needy or the about things and being more needy or the avoidant attachment style, which is avoidant attachment style, which is avoidant attachment style, which is where you kind of are self-reliant and where you kind of are self-reliant and where you kind of are self-reliant and independent and don't need anybody or independent and don't need anybody or independent and don't need anybody or anything. And you know, you kind of push anything. And you know, you kind of push anything. And you know, you kind of push away intimacy or connection. And then away intimacy or connection. And then away intimacy or connection. And then there's the disorganized, which is even there's the disorganized, which is even there's the disorganized, which is even I don't know how you describe that, but I don't know how you describe that, but I don't know how you describe that, but it's more like messy and chaotic and it's more like messy and chaotic and it's more like messy and chaotic and PTSD level. And then there's the secure PTSD level. And then there's the secure PTSD level. And then there's the secure which is like where you kind of actually which is like where you kind of actually which is like where you kind of actually are emotionally regulated which is what are emotionally regulated which is what are emotionally regulated which is what you're sort of talking about. But I you're sort of talking about. But I you're sort of talking about. But I think your individual developmental think your individual developmental think your individual developmental model goes beyond that. So can you talk model goes beyond that. So can you talk model goes beyond that. So can you talk a little bit about the attachment a little bit about the attachment a little bit about the attachment framework and how your model goes beyond framework and how your model goes beyond framework and how your model goes beyond that and why it's different? If I were that and why it's different? If I were that and why it's different? If I were to generalize what we're talking about to generalize what we're talking about to generalize what we're talking about when we're talking about attachment, when we're talking about attachment, when we're talking about attachment, we're talking about, right, how I show we're talking about, right, how I show we're talking about, right, how I show up in a relationship, right? What do I up in a relationship, right? What do I up in a relationship, right? What do I typically do? Like beautifully typically do? Like beautifully typically do? Like beautifully described, right? Do I pursue in the described, right? Do I pursue in the described, right? Do I pursue in the anxious model? Do I struggle with anxious model? Do I struggle with anxious model? Do I struggle with distance and pursue and try to close the distance and pursue and try to close the distance and pursue and try to close the gap or other end of the spectrum very gap or other end of the spectrum very gap or other end of the spectrum very loosely, right? Avoided. loosely, right? Avoided. loosely, right? Avoided. &gt;&gt; Do I text 40 times in a minute, right? &gt;&gt; Do I text 40 times in a minute, right? &gt;&gt; Do I text 40 times in a minute, right? &gt;&gt; Or do I typically run away and closeness &gt;&gt; Or do I typically run away and closeness &gt;&gt; Or do I typically run away and closeness feels scary? So, I push away. And the feels scary? So, I push away. And the feels scary? So, I push away. And the important takeaway is I've learned to do important takeaway is I've learned to do important takeaway is I've learned to do one or two or both. The I would argue one or two or both. The I would argue one or two or both. The I would argue the disorganized is kind of like a blend the disorganized is kind of like a blend the disorganized is kind of like a blend of the two where it's highs, lows, very of the two where it's highs, lows, very of the two where it's highs, lows, very chaotic. Um, a desire to be close, but chaotic. Um, a desire to be close, but chaotic. Um, a desire to be close, but close feels very fearful. Again, the close feels very fearful. Again, the close feels very fearful. Again, the important thing is I learned this important thing is I learned this important thing is I learned this because in childhood again it would have because in childhood again it would have because in childhood again it would have made sense if something was made sense if something was made sense if something was unpredictable or chaotic to be very unpredictable or chaotic to be very unpredictable or chaotic to be very hypervigilant, right? The more anxious hypervigilant, right? The more anxious hypervigilant, right? The more anxious mode of being. If I scan and wait for mode of being. If I scan and wait for mode of being. If I scan and wait for the shoe to drop and notice every change the shoe to drop and notice every change the shoe to drop and notice every change in tone, and brace myself, probably in in tone, and brace myself, probably in in tone, and brace myself, probably in childhood there was a benefit because childhood there was a benefit because childhood there was a benefit because the quicker I noticed the change in tone the quicker I noticed the change in tone the quicker I noticed the change in tone that might have led to either the that might have led to either the that might have led to either the explosion or the disconnection, the explosion or the disconnection, the explosion or the disconnection, the quicker I'm able to possibly close that quicker I'm able to possibly close that quicker I'm able to possibly close that gap and to deal with it. So, we learn gap and to deal with it. So, we learn gap and to deal with it. So, we learn how to relate to other people based how to relate to other people based how to relate to other people based again in our earliest relationship. So again in our earliest relationship. So again in our earliest relationship. So what my model I hope does is it even what my model I hope does is it even what my model I hope does is it even expands it beyond how am I relating to expands it beyond how am I relating to expands it beyond how am I relating to others with whom I'm in a relationship others with whom I'm in a relationship others with whom I'm in a relationship but how am I relating to myself? Do I but how am I relating to myself? Do I but how am I relating to myself? Do I know who I am? Am I able to separate know who I am? Am I able to separate know who I am? Am I able to separate myself from another person through myself from another person through myself from another person through boundaries so that I can discover and boundaries so that I can discover and boundaries so that I can discover and then begin to express myself? Do I have then begin to express myself? Do I have then begin to express myself? Do I have the ability? So to be clear, secure the ability? So to be clear, secure the ability? So to be clear, secure attachment doesn't mean lack of attachment doesn't mean lack of attachment doesn't mean lack of conflict, doesn't mean a lack of conflict, doesn't mean a lack of conflict, doesn't mean a lack of uncomfortable emotions. It means the uncomfortable emotions. It means the uncomfortable emotions. It means the ability to deal with those in a grounded ability to deal with those in a grounded ability to deal with those in a grounded way. So my model I'm hoping kind of way. So my model I'm hoping kind of way. So my model I'm hoping kind of expands to gain and give readers the expands to gain and give readers the expands to gain and give readers the understanding of from kind of top to understanding of from kind of top to understanding of from kind of top to bottom like who I am and how I've come bottom like who I am and how I've come bottom like who I am and how I've come to be. My argument would be it has been to be. My argument would be it has been to be. My argument would be it has been right an adaptation to early right an adaptation to early right an adaptation to early environments that even predated you environments that even predated you environments that even predated you beginning in your ancestors. Then then beginning in your ancestors. Then then beginning in your ancestors. Then then the goal of the reparing journey that I the goal of the reparing journey that I the goal of the reparing journey that I take readers on is how to begin to first take readers on is how to begin to first take readers on is how to begin to first and foremost create the safety and and foremost create the safety and and foremost create the safety and security in my body so that regardless security in my body so that regardless security in my body so that regardless of what's happening out there and this of what's happening out there and this of what's happening out there and this even speaks to your work. You could have even speaks to your work. You could have even speaks to your work. You could have access to the healthiest foods, right? access to the healthiest foods, right? access to the healthiest foods, right? You could know what to eat. could be You could know what to eat. could be You could know what to eat. could be eating the healthiest foods, but if eating the healthiest foods, but if eating the healthiest foods, but if you're doing so in a body that's on you're doing so in a body that's on you're doing so in a body that's on edge, that's bracing for that next shoe edge, that's bracing for that next shoe edge, that's bracing for that next shoe to drop, then that's not going to create to drop, then that's not going to create to drop, then that's not going to create the safety that your body needs to the safety that your body needs to the safety that your body needs to repair, to replenish, to actually grow, repair, to replenish, to actually grow, repair, to replenish, to actually grow, evolve, and change. So, the reparing evolve, and change. So, the reparing evolve, and change. So, the reparing journey will take you through different journey will take you through different journey will take you through different kind of pillars, if you will, where all kind of pillars, if you will, where all kind of pillars, if you will, where all change begins in safety and security. change begins in safety and security. change begins in safety and security. Very few of us know how to feel safe and Very few of us know how to feel safe and Very few of us know how to feel safe and secure in our own bodies. Then it secure in our own bodies. Then it secure in our own bodies. Then it continues with creating space from other continues with creating space from other continues with creating space from other people. Especially for those of us who people. Especially for those of us who people. Especially for those of us who had no boundaries or no space in had no boundaries or no space in had no boundaries or no space in childhood. We need to learn how to childhood. We need to learn how to childhood. We need to learn how to separate. Learn how to give ourselves separate. Learn how to give ourselves separate. Learn how to give ourselves space to have different opinions, space to have different opinions, space to have different opinions, desires. desires. desires. Learn then how to navigate emotions. not Learn then how to navigate emotions. not Learn then how to navigate emotions. not avoid them, not suppress them, not white avoid them, not suppress them, not white avoid them, not suppress them, not white knuckle them, not hope we never feel knuckle them, not hope we never feel knuckle them, not hope we never feel them, but learn how to make space for them, but learn how to make space for them, but learn how to make space for them to communicate them because that's them to communicate them because that's them to communicate them because that's what creates the relationships that most what creates the relationships that most what creates the relationships that most of us are are seeking and not in. We of us are are seeking and not in. We of us are are seeking and not in. We want to feel deeply connected. We want want to feel deeply connected. We want want to feel deeply connected. We want to feel understood. We want to be able to feel understood. We want to be able to feel understood. We want to be able to take space from our loved ones and to take space from our loved ones and to take space from our loved ones and not worry that they're going to be gone not worry that they're going to be gone not worry that they're going to be gone when we come back to reconnect. And very when we come back to reconnect. And very when we come back to reconnect. And very few of us have had those experiences. So few of us have had those experiences. So few of us have had those experiences. So through small daily choices, practices, through small daily choices, practices, through small daily choices, practices, I have many in the book, most are I have many in the book, most are I have many in the book, most are grounded again in the body. We begin to grounded again in the body. We begin to grounded again in the body. We begin to develop that safety, that security. We develop that safety, that security. We develop that safety, that security. We begin to create space. We begin to learn begin to create space. We begin to learn begin to create space. We begin to learn our own emotions and then learn how to our own emotions and then learn how to our own emotions and then learn how to share them with someone else so that share them with someone else so that share them with someone else so that ultimately we can be ourselves in ultimately we can be ourselves in ultimately we can be ourselves in relationships and begin to feel that relationships and begin to feel that relationships and begin to feel that connection that so many of us are connection that so many of us are connection that so many of us are looking for. looking for. looking for. &gt;&gt; Well, this is great. You you talk about &gt;&gt; Well, this is great. You you talk about &gt;&gt; Well, this is great. You you talk about five developmental spheres, you know, in five developmental spheres, you know, in five developmental spheres, you know, in the book. You touched on the first which the book. You touched on the first which the book. You touched on the first which is safety and security and freedom to is safety and security and freedom to is safety and security and freedom to and the second the freedom to be explore and the second the freedom to be explore and the second the freedom to be explore and become which is like so how do you and become which is like so how do you and become which is like so how do you go out on your own like a toddler right go out on your own like a toddler right go out on your own like a toddler right you have to feel safe as a baby but then you have to feel safe as a baby but then you have to feel safe as a baby but then you like run up in your toddler and you like run up in your toddler and you like run up in your toddler and crawl away then come back crawl away then come back crawl away then come back &gt;&gt; it's that same thing but as an adult &gt;&gt; it's that same thing but as an adult &gt;&gt; it's that same thing but as an adult &gt;&gt; so so break it down for us with the &gt;&gt; so so break it down for us with the &gt;&gt; so so break it down for us with the first the first section which I think is first the first section which I think is first the first section which I think is really important the safety and security really important the safety and security really important the safety and security because that seems like an anchor point because that seems like an anchor point because that seems like an anchor point and and you talk about how to you know and and you talk about how to you know and and you talk about how to you know that have to be be able to feel safe in that have to be be able to feel safe in that have to be be able to feel safe in your body and your nervous system and your body and your nervous system and your body and your nervous system and we've talked a lot about nervous system we've talked a lot about nervous system we've talked a lot about nervous system regulation regulation regulation So talk about how that helps you heal So talk about how that helps you heal So talk about how that helps you heal from this either controlling behavior, from this either controlling behavior, from this either controlling behavior, hypervigilant behavior, shutting down hypervigilant behavior, shutting down hypervigilant behavior, shutting down behavior, panic, anxious behavior. What behavior, panic, anxious behavior. What behavior, panic, anxious behavior. What are the practices? What are the tools? are the practices? What are the tools? are the practices? What are the tools? Cuz I get the concept. I think most Cuz I get the concept. I think most Cuz I get the concept. I think most people understand, yeah, I want to feel people understand, yeah, I want to feel people understand, yeah, I want to feel safe and secure, but like how the hell safe and secure, but like how the hell safe and secure, but like how the hell do I do that? You know, like what do I do I do that? You know, like what do I do I do that? You know, like what do I do next? do next? do next? &gt;&gt; Yeah. And it begins by first connecting &gt;&gt; Yeah. And it begins by first connecting &gt;&gt; Yeah. And it begins by first connecting with our body to be able to determine with our body to be able to determine with our body to be able to determine whether we're not feeling safe, right? whether we're not feeling safe, right? whether we're not feeling safe, right? So, the major systems that shift and So, the major systems that shift and So, the major systems that shift and change when we're under stress or having change when we're under stress or having change when we're under stress or having an emotional reaction are our heart an emotional reaction are our heart an emotional reaction are our heart rate, our breath, and the tension in our rate, our breath, and the tension in our rate, our breath, and the tension in our muscles. And I'm really emphasizing this muscles. And I'm really emphasizing this muscles. And I'm really emphasizing this first step because I I know for myself, first step because I I know for myself, first step because I I know for myself, I spent little to no time in my body. I spent little to no time in my body. I spent little to no time in my body. Like I said, I was always in my mind, Like I said, I was always in my mind, Like I said, I was always in my mind, always zooming around and worrying about always zooming around and worrying about always zooming around and worrying about someone else's body and what they needed someone else's body and what they needed someone else's body and what they needed and not connected to my own. So and not connected to my own. So and not connected to my own. So rebuilding first noticing well even if I rebuilding first noticing well even if I rebuilding first noticing well even if I were to write listen prompt listeners were to write listen prompt listeners were to write listen prompt listeners right now like do you feel like can you right now like do you feel like can you right now like do you feel like can you feel your muscles do you feel your heart feel your muscles do you feel your heart feel your muscles do you feel your heart rate like how are you breathing are you rate like how are you breathing are you rate like how are you breathing are you breathing are you holding your breath breathing are you holding your breath breathing are you holding your breath it's building in those checkpoints it's building in those checkpoints it's building in those checkpoints throughout the day so simply creating throughout the day so simply creating throughout the day so simply creating the habit of checking in with our body the habit of checking in with our body the habit of checking in with our body so that then if we want to focus just on so that then if we want to focus just on so that then if we want to focus just on those three areas we can begin to notice those three areas we can begin to notice those three areas we can begin to notice as our body shifts into or maybe is as our body shifts into or maybe is as our body shifts into or maybe is consistently in a stressed state with consistently in a stressed state with consistently in a stressed state with our tense muscles. I mean, I don't know our tense muscles. I mean, I don't know our tense muscles. I mean, I don't know how many of us walk around with tense how many of us walk around with tense how many of us walk around with tense jaws. I know I do. My shoulders might jaws. I know I do. My shoulders might jaws. I know I do. My shoulders might might as well be up to my ears like might as well be up to my ears like might as well be up to my ears like their earrings. Right? All of these their earrings. Right? All of these their earrings. Right? All of these moments where for some of us, it becomes moments where for some of us, it becomes moments where for some of us, it becomes so normal. We don't notice until someone so normal. We don't notice until someone so normal. We don't notice until someone says, "Put your shoulders back." You're says, "Put your shoulders back." You're says, "Put your shoulders back." You're like, "Oh, wow. That's relieving some like, "Oh, wow. That's relieving some like, "Oh, wow. That's relieving some tension or drop your jaw, right? Oh, tension or drop your jaw, right? Oh, tension or drop your jaw, right? Oh, wow. I didn't realize how much tension I wow. I didn't realize how much tension I wow. I didn't realize how much tension I was holding." was holding." was holding." &gt;&gt; Yeah. Most of us don't realize how &gt;&gt; Yeah. Most of us don't realize how &gt;&gt; Yeah. Most of us don't realize how stressed we are until we don't feel the stressed we are until we don't feel the stressed we are until we don't feel the stress. stress. stress. &gt;&gt; We don't realize it. And that's the &gt;&gt; We don't realize it. And that's the &gt;&gt; We don't realize it. And that's the thing too about stress. We become so thing too about stress. We become so thing too about stress. We become so familiar, we develop such a baseline for familiar, we develop such a baseline for familiar, we develop such a baseline for stress that I referenced this study stress that I referenced this study stress that I referenced this study where individuals who have a higher just where individuals who have a higher just where individuals who have a higher just general consistent level of stress general consistent level of stress general consistent level of stress actually will be less likely to rate actually will be less likely to rate actually will be less likely to rate things that are objectively being rated things that are objectively being rated things that are objectively being rated as stressful by someone else who has a as stressful by someone else who has a as stressful by someone else who has a lower baseline of stress as stressful. lower baseline of stress as stressful. lower baseline of stress as stressful. So simply, they're not registering So simply, they're not registering So simply, they're not registering stress unless it crosses a higher stress unless it crosses a higher stress unless it crosses a higher threshold. So we become so used to it, threshold. So we become so used to it, threshold. So we become so used to it, we're ignoring the fact that we are we're ignoring the fact that we are we're ignoring the fact that we are living in it chronically for a long living in it chronically for a long living in it chronically for a long period of time because it's just what's period of time because it's just what's period of time because it's just what's there and we become addicted to it to there and we become addicted to it to there and we become addicted to it to some extent. So especially if we're so some extent. So especially if we're so some extent. So especially if we're so depleted, this happens a lot. If we're depleted, this happens a lot. If we're depleted, this happens a lot. If we're so depleted, we're exhausted. Some of us so depleted, we're exhausted. Some of us so depleted, we're exhausted. Some of us only feel inspired to act when there's a only feel inspired to act when there's a only feel inspired to act when there's a deadline, when we have to, right? when deadline, when we have to, right? when deadline, when we have to, right? when something is causing us stress to compel something is causing us stress to compel something is causing us stress to compel us into action. So then we start to say, us into action. So then we start to say, us into action. So then we start to say, "Oh, I work good under pressure, right? "Oh, I work good under pressure, right? "Oh, I work good under pressure, right? I'm I I I juggle all this so well, I'm I I I juggle all this so well, I'm I I I juggle all this so well, right?" And that is to some extent the right?" And that is to some extent the right?" And that is to some extent the case because the nervous system became case because the nervous system became case because the nervous system became activated by the stress enough to right activated by the stress enough to right activated by the stress enough to right inspire action. So we for all of these inspire action. So we for all of these inspire action. So we for all of these crazy reasons we become so familiar with crazy reasons we become so familiar with crazy reasons we become so familiar with our body being in a stressed state that our body being in a stressed state that our body being in a stressed state that you're right we wake up and we don't you're right we wake up and we don't you're right we wake up and we don't even realize how stressed we are let even realize how stressed we are let even realize how stressed we are let alone the impact that alone the impact that alone the impact that &gt;&gt; first step is really just like tune into &gt;&gt; first step is really just like tune into &gt;&gt; first step is really just like tune into it and be aware of your like simple body it and be aware of your like simple body it and be aware of your like simple body sensations and then when when you notice sensations and then when when you notice sensations and then when when you notice you might be feeling stressed then then you might be feeling stressed then then you might be feeling stressed then then what what what &gt;&gt; so when you notice I mean the first &gt;&gt; so when you notice I mean the first &gt;&gt; so when you notice I mean the first thing that happens right is we begin to thing that happens right is we begin to thing that happens right is we begin to move really quickly we talk really move really quickly we talk really move really quickly we talk really quickly right so some things we can do quickly right so some things we can do quickly right so some things we can do is notice we can slow our pace pace of is notice we can slow our pace pace of is notice we can slow our pace pace of movement down, our pace of speaking movement down, our pace of speaking movement down, our pace of speaking down, we can begin to slow our breathing down, we can begin to slow our breathing down, we can begin to slow our breathing down if we're noticing that we're start down if we're noticing that we're start down if we're noticing that we're start like our chest is heaving or maybe we're like our chest is heaving or maybe we're like our chest is heaving or maybe we're holding our breath, right? We can maybe holding our breath, right? We can maybe holding our breath, right? We can maybe relax a bit to allow some breathing to relax a bit to allow some breathing to relax a bit to allow some breathing to happen. Um, we can begin to even just happen. Um, we can begin to even just happen. Um, we can begin to even just tune into and these practices seem tune into and these practices seem tune into and these practices seem really simple, which is why I think a really simple, which is why I think a really simple, which is why I think a lot of us like, what's this really going lot of us like, what's this really going lot of us like, what's this really going to do? And I'll be the first to say if to do? And I'll be the first to say if to do? And I'll be the first to say if you do it once, nothing at all. If you you do it once, nothing at all. If you you do it once, nothing at all. If you consistently practice though, consistently practice though, consistently practice though, reconnecting with my body, right, reconnecting with my body, right, reconnecting with my body, right, elongating my exhale, moving a little elongating my exhale, moving a little elongating my exhale, moving a little slower, tuning into the present slower, tuning into the present slower, tuning into the present environment, what can I see, smell, environment, what can I see, smell, environment, what can I see, smell, right? Simple practices, but they go a right? Simple practices, but they go a right? Simple practices, but they go a long way because they bring my attention long way because they bring my attention long way because they bring my attention to the present moment, right? They help to the present moment, right? They help to the present moment, right? They help maybe shift my physiology into a calmer maybe shift my physiology into a calmer maybe shift my physiology into a calmer state. And then over time they're state. And then over time they're state. And then over time they're beginning to allow my body cuz my body beginning to allow my body cuz my body beginning to allow my body cuz my body naturally wants to come back down. My naturally wants to come back down. My naturally wants to come back down. My parasympathetic nervous system wants to parasympathetic nervous system wants to parasympathetic nervous system wants to come back online and calm my body down. come back online and calm my body down. come back online and calm my body down. It wants to go back to homeostasis. So It wants to go back to homeostasis. So It wants to go back to homeostasis. So sometimes we just have to like get out sometimes we just have to like get out sometimes we just have to like get out of our own way. And notice when we're of our own way. And notice when we're of our own way. And notice when we're doing things that are preventing our doing things that are preventing our doing things that are preventing our body from fully and the most thing that body from fully and the most thing that body from fully and the most thing that prevents our human body is our mind prevents our human body is our mind prevents our human body is our mind because these are the moments now because these are the moments now because these are the moments now because our body is communicating with because our body is communicating with because our body is communicating with our mind. A stressed body will naturally our mind. A stressed body will naturally our mind. A stressed body will naturally result in stressed thoughts, racing result in stressed thoughts, racing result in stressed thoughts, racing thoughts, ruminative thoughts where now thoughts, ruminative thoughts where now thoughts, ruminative thoughts where now I'm only thinking about all the things I'm only thinking about all the things I'm only thinking about all the things in my life that are causing me stress. in my life that are causing me stress. in my life that are causing me stress. Right? So the more I'm continuing down Right? So the more I'm continuing down Right? So the more I'm continuing down that cyclone of thinking about stressful that cyclone of thinking about stressful that cyclone of thinking about stressful things, now I've created this this things, now I've created this this things, now I've created this this perfect storm where my the stress in my perfect storm where my the stress in my perfect storm where my the stress in my tense muscles are communicating to my tense muscles are communicating to my tense muscles are communicating to my mind resulting in stressful thoughts. mind resulting in stressful thoughts. mind resulting in stressful thoughts. The more I allow my attention to focus The more I allow my attention to focus The more I allow my attention to focus on those stressful thoughts, the more I on those stressful thoughts, the more I on those stressful thoughts, the more I keep my body in that stress response. keep my body in that stress response. keep my body in that stress response. And some of us have been living this And some of us have been living this And some of us have been living this cycle for our whole cycle for our whole cycle for our whole &gt;&gt; forever. Yeah, I saw I saw that when I &gt;&gt; forever. Yeah, I saw I saw that when I &gt;&gt; forever. Yeah, I saw I saw that when I was in in the journey when I began. I was in in the journey when I began. I was in in the journey when I began. I like how much I've been in a sympathetic like how much I've been in a sympathetic like how much I've been in a sympathetic state my whole life. like I just it's state my whole life. like I just it's state my whole life. like I just it's just a normal just a normal just a normal &gt;&gt; you know there was maybe a month when I &gt;&gt; you know there was maybe a month when I &gt;&gt; you know there was maybe a month when I was a yoga teacher I was doing yoga was a yoga teacher I was doing yoga was a yoga teacher I was doing yoga seven hours a day and and run I probably seven hours a day and and run I probably seven hours a day and and run I probably didn't feel that I slept like a baby and didn't feel that I slept like a baby and didn't feel that I slept like a baby and it was I felt the best I'd ever felt it was I felt the best I'd ever felt it was I felt the best I'd ever felt &gt;&gt; but you know who has time to do seven &gt;&gt; but you know who has time to do seven &gt;&gt; but you know who has time to do seven hours of yoga a day hours of yoga a day hours of yoga a day &gt;&gt; I mean I woke woke up to being to the &gt;&gt; I mean I woke woke up to being to the &gt;&gt; I mean I woke woke up to being to the extent of my just exhaustion and extent of my just exhaustion and extent of my just exhaustion and depletion that ended because of decades depletion that ended because of decades depletion that ended because of decades of me living in that sympathetic of me living in that sympathetic of me living in that sympathetic overdrive when I fainted out of nowhere. overdrive when I fainted out of nowhere. overdrive when I fainted out of nowhere. Um, and I wrote about this mainly in my Um, and I wrote about this mainly in my Um, and I wrote about this mainly in my first book because it scared the crap first book because it scared the crap first book because it scared the crap out of me. I thought coming from a out of me. I thought coming from a out of me. I thought coming from a family of health related issues, I family of health related issues, I family of health related issues, I thought, "Oh, this is for sure that thought, "Oh, this is for sure that thought, "Oh, this is for sure that brain tumor that was just a brewin." And brain tumor that was just a brewin." And brain tumor that was just a brewin." And so I got really scared until thankfully so I got really scared until thankfully so I got really scared until thankfully that timeline, that time period of my that timeline, that time period of my that timeline, that time period of my life really coincided with this life really coincided with this life really coincided with this learning. And I now have a reframe of, learning. And I now have a reframe of, learning. And I now have a reframe of, oh no, you actually lost consciousness oh no, you actually lost consciousness oh no, you actually lost consciousness cuz you kind of reached the final stage cuz you kind of reached the final stage cuz you kind of reached the final stage of the nervous system journey of of the nervous system journey of of the nervous system journey of fainting when your body was so depleted. fainting when your body was so depleted. fainting when your body was so depleted. Decades of exhausting yourself, never Decades of exhausting yourself, never Decades of exhausting yourself, never being able to calm down and rest and being able to calm down and rest and being able to calm down and rest and replenish that my body literally just replenish that my body literally just replenish that my body literally just shut me down entirely. shut me down entirely. shut me down entirely. &gt;&gt; Reminds me of my mother who used to &gt;&gt; Reminds me of my mother who used to &gt;&gt; Reminds me of my mother who used to faint a lot and I would have to save her faint a lot and I would have to save her faint a lot and I would have to save her when I was a little kid. But she would when I was a little kid. But she would when I was a little kid. But she would faint cuz she was so stressed cuz she faint cuz she was so stressed cuz she faint cuz she was so stressed cuz she was never allowed to be a kid. She was was never allowed to be a kid. She was was never allowed to be a kid. She was the parent to her parents because they the parent to her parents because they the parent to her parents because they were deaf and then when my parents were deaf and then when my parents were deaf and then when my parents split, it was very stressful and she split, it was very stressful and she split, it was very stressful and she just she kind of couldn't function. just she kind of couldn't function. just she kind of couldn't function. &gt;&gt; Yeah. &gt;&gt; Yeah. &gt;&gt; Yeah. &gt;&gt; What if the greatest threat to your &gt;&gt; What if the greatest threat to your &gt;&gt; What if the greatest threat to your health wasn't bad choices but bad health wasn't bad choices but bad health wasn't bad choices but bad design? In America, chronic disease design? In America, chronic disease design? In America, chronic disease isn't accidental. It's the predictable isn't accidental. It's the predictable isn't accidental. It's the predictable outcome of a food system built for outcome of a food system built for outcome of a food system built for profit, not people. A web of profit, not people. A web of profit, not people. A web of corporations, lobbyists, and policy corporations, lobbyists, and policy corporations, lobbyists, and policy makers, all feeding off your plate. They makers, all feeding off your plate. They makers, all feeding off your plate. They call it choice, but your options were call it choice, but your options were call it choice, but your options were engineered. From the grocery aisle to engineered. From the grocery aisle to engineered. From the grocery aisle to the school cafeteria, Big Food, Big Egg, the school cafeteria, Big Food, Big Egg, the school cafeteria, Big Food, Big Egg, and Big Pharma wrote the rules together. and Big Pharma wrote the rules together. and Big Pharma wrote the rules together. The food pyramid distorted, the science The food pyramid distorted, the science The food pyramid distorted, the science bought. The front of package health bought. The front of package health bought. The front of package health labels designed to deceive. This isn't a labels designed to deceive. This isn't a labels designed to deceive. This isn't a broken system. It's a perfectly broken system. It's a perfectly broken system. It's a perfectly functioning machine, producing disease, functioning machine, producing disease, functioning machine, producing disease, dependency, and distraction exactly as dependency, and distraction exactly as dependency, and distraction exactly as intended. Food Fix Uncensored pulls back intended. Food Fix Uncensored pulls back intended. Food Fix Uncensored pulls back the curtain on the collusion shaping the curtain on the collusion shaping the curtain on the collusion shaping your health, your choices, and your your health, your choices, and your your health, your choices, and your future. Because once you see how it future. Because once you see how it future. Because once you see how it works, you can never unsee it. Food Fix works, you can never unsee it. Food Fix works, you can never unsee it. Food Fix Uncensored, the truth they never meant Uncensored, the truth they never meant Uncensored, the truth they never meant for you to read. &gt;&gt; That happens so much in children for &gt;&gt; That happens so much in children for different reasons because of, you know, different reasons because of, you know, different reasons because of, you know, physical limitations. A lot of times we physical limitations. A lot of times we physical limitations. A lot of times we see this in immigrant households too see this in immigrant households too see this in immigrant households too coming to a new country with the coming to a new country with the coming to a new country with the children being the only ones that speak children being the only ones that speak children being the only ones that speak the native language and then they have the native language and then they have the native language and then they have to take on understandably so much of the to take on understandably so much of the to take on understandably so much of the burden with parents who two parents are burden with parents who two parents are burden with parents who two parents are working in the household and there's working in the household and there's working in the household and there's children and so then you have an older children and so then you have an older children and so then you have an older sibling taking care of the younger sibling taking care of the younger sibling taking care of the younger siblings and I mean this is I mean this siblings and I mean this is I mean this siblings and I mean this is I mean this guy last night I went to the comedy guy last night I went to the comedy guy last night I went to the comedy store which is a comedy club here in LA store which is a comedy club here in LA store which is a comedy club here in LA and we're recording and uh this Latino and we're recording and uh this Latino and we're recording and uh this Latino guy was talking about his you know guy was talking about his you know guy was talking about his you know growing up as an immigrant first growing up as an immigrant first growing up as an immigrant first generation had to how he had to like generation had to how he had to like generation had to how he had to like translate for his parents all the time translate for his parents all the time translate for his parents all the time and he says, you know, imagine being a and he says, you know, imagine being a and he says, you know, imagine being a 5-year-old or six-year-old and trying to 5-year-old or six-year-old and trying to 5-year-old or six-year-old and trying to translate adjustable rate mortgage and translate adjustable rate mortgage and translate adjustable rate mortgage and equity. And he doesn't know what that equity. And he doesn't know what that equity. And he doesn't know what that means. And like he's like, I got my means. And like he's like, I got my means. And like he's like, I got my parents into a lot of bad deals, you parents into a lot of bad deals, you parents into a lot of bad deals, you know. So, it was very funny, but it's know. So, it was very funny, but it's know. So, it was very funny, but it's not funny, you know. not funny, you know. not funny, you know. &gt;&gt; Yeah. This is serious and very real for &gt;&gt; Yeah. This is serious and very real for &gt;&gt; Yeah. This is serious and very real for for a lot of just again just the factors for a lot of just again just the factors for a lot of just again just the factors that have contributed to now where we're that have contributed to now where we're that have contributed to now where we're living, the lack of support, and it's living, the lack of support, and it's living, the lack of support, and it's often necessary that that happen. So, often necessary that that happen. So, often necessary that that happen. So, I'm not shaming that dynamic for being I'm not shaming that dynamic for being I'm not shaming that dynamic for being what was needed at that time, but again, what was needed at that time, but again, what was needed at that time, but again, I just think that speaks to a whole I just think that speaks to a whole I just think that speaks to a whole array of extra support needed for for array of extra support needed for for array of extra support needed for for families and and individuals really in families and and individuals really in families and and individuals really in general. general. general. &gt;&gt; And part of part of this goes to some of &gt;&gt; And part of part of this goes to some of &gt;&gt; And part of part of this goes to some of the work that's sort of emerging around the work that's sort of emerging around the work that's sort of emerging around the trauma field around sematic therapy. the trauma field around sematic therapy. the trauma field around sematic therapy. People throw that term around. What does People throw that term around. What does People throw that term around. What does that mean? And it's sort of you're kind that mean? And it's sort of you're kind that mean? And it's sort of you're kind of hinting out a little bit, but can you of hinting out a little bit, but can you of hinting out a little bit, but can you kind of unpack that? What is sematic kind of unpack that? What is sematic kind of unpack that? What is sematic therapy? How is it different from talk therapy? How is it different from talk therapy? How is it different from talk therapy? Why is it the doorway to therapy? Why is it the doorway to therapy? Why is it the doorway to actually solving a lot of this suffering actually solving a lot of this suffering actually solving a lot of this suffering we're all in right now? we're all in right now? we're all in right now? &gt;&gt; So sematic soma, right, is based in &gt;&gt; So sematic soma, right, is based in &gt;&gt; So sematic soma, right, is based in body. So it's based and again there's body. So it's based and again there's body. So it's based and again there's different branches of sematic work out different branches of sematic work out different branches of sematic work out there. But it's based in the foundation there. But it's based in the foundation there. But it's based in the foundation of of the body creating change through of of the body creating change through of of the body creating change through body movement or body manipulation in a body movement or body manipulation in a body movement or body manipulation in a sense. Again going back full circle, sense. Again going back full circle, sense. Again going back full circle, why? because our our life really is why? because our our life really is why? because our our life really is dictated by our body, by our nervous dictated by our body, by our nervous dictated by our body, by our nervous system, our emotional world included system, our emotional world included system, our emotional world included lives in our body. So I think the most lives in our body. So I think the most lives in our body. So I think the most commonly known perhaps or at least maybe commonly known perhaps or at least maybe commonly known perhaps or at least maybe by me um Dr. Peter Lavine developed by me um Dr. Peter Lavine developed by me um Dr. Peter Lavine developed something called sematic experiencing something called sematic experiencing something called sematic experiencing and I'm really aligned with that and I'm really aligned with that and I'm really aligned with that approach because again there's a ton of approach because again there's a ton of approach because again there's a ton of different sematic work we can do from different sematic work we can do from different sematic work we can do from yoga to movement to his work though yoga to movement to his work though yoga to movement to his work though really focuses on the nervous system really focuses on the nervous system really focuses on the nervous system cycle and the thought is again if we cycle and the thought is again if we cycle and the thought is again if we didn't have that safe secure caregiver didn't have that safe secure caregiver didn't have that safe secure caregiver to help again if I'm simplifying the to help again if I'm simplifying the to help again if I'm simplifying the nervous system state to help go from an nervous system state to help go from an nervous system state to help go from an activated state right back to calm activated state right back to calm activated state right back to calm grounded connected open baseline state grounded connected open baseline state grounded connected open baseline state which hypothetically we should spend which hypothetically we should spend which hypothetically we should spend most of our time In the belief is if we most of our time In the belief is if we most of our time In the belief is if we didn't have that, right, our nervous didn't have that, right, our nervous didn't have that, right, our nervous system will default to different states system will default to different states system will default to different states like the sympathetic activation that you like the sympathetic activation that you like the sympathetic activation that you and I are describing, right? Always on and I are describing, right? Always on and I are describing, right? Always on edge, running a mile a minute, the edge, running a mile a minute, the edge, running a mile a minute, the perfectionist overachiever. Or it could perfectionist overachiever. Or it could perfectionist overachiever. Or it could look like shut down where I have no look like shut down where I have no look like shut down where I have no energy, I'm disconnected, I'm more in energy, I'm disconnected, I'm more in energy, I'm disconnected, I'm more in that dorsal veagal state. But we kind of that dorsal veagal state. But we kind of that dorsal veagal state. But we kind of default and some of us then end up default and some of us then end up default and some of us then end up living predominantly, living predominantly, living predominantly, right? Reverting back to these states. right? Reverting back to these states. right? Reverting back to these states. So sematic experiencing is really not So sematic experiencing is really not So sematic experiencing is really not only understanding the state that our only understanding the state that our only understanding the state that our body might more most frequently kind of body might more most frequently kind of body might more most frequently kind of go into when we're activating but to go into when we're activating but to go into when we're activating but to then help our body complete so to speak then help our body complete so to speak then help our body complete so to speak the cycle. So, if we're shut down in the cycle. So, if we're shut down in the cycle. So, if we're shut down in that dorsal state where we have no that dorsal state where we have no that dorsal state where we have no motivation, right, helping our body motivation, right, helping our body motivation, right, helping our body safely, because this is again where I'm safely, because this is again where I'm safely, because this is again where I'm watching some of the field, the goal watching some of the field, the goal watching some of the field, the goal isn't to just, right, dive into the cold isn't to just, right, dive into the cold isn't to just, right, dive into the cold plunge because we know we're shut down plunge because we know we're shut down plunge because we know we're shut down because that could be completely because that could be completely because that could be completely overwhelming for a body that is shut overwhelming for a body that is shut overwhelming for a body that is shut down because it's shut down because it's down because it's shut down because it's down because it's shut down because it's already too overwhelmed, right? So, we already too overwhelmed, right? So, we already too overwhelmed, right? So, we want to gradually, you're right, offer want to gradually, you're right, offer want to gradually, you're right, offer movement and like a softening of tense movement and like a softening of tense movement and like a softening of tense muscles so that I can move. So we don't muscles so that I can move. So we don't muscles so that I can move. So we don't literally physically or emotionally literally physically or emotionally literally physically or emotionally overwhelm oursel or again if we're in overwhelm oursel or again if we're in overwhelm oursel or again if we're in that sympathetic activation we want to that sympathetic activation we want to that sympathetic activation we want to help our body calm down right slow our help our body calm down right slow our help our body calm down right slow our breath slow our movement like I was breath slow our movement like I was breath slow our movement like I was talking about earlier cuz the belief talking about earlier cuz the belief talking about earlier cuz the belief then is right if I complete and if I then is right if I complete and if I then is right if I complete and if I help my body complete that cycle then help my body complete that cycle then help my body complete that cycle then I'm discharging that emotional energy I'm discharging that emotional energy I'm discharging that emotional energy and I'm reducing the likelihood that I and I'm reducing the likelihood that I and I'm reducing the likelihood that I fall back on the dysfunctional habits fall back on the dysfunctional habits fall back on the dysfunctional habits the things I usually do when And I can't the things I usually do when And I can't the things I usually do when And I can't discharge that energy, right? The discharge that energy, right? The discharge that energy, right? The overeating, the being distracted, the, overeating, the being distracted, the, overeating, the being distracted, the, you know, mindlessly scrolling, the you know, mindlessly scrolling, the you know, mindlessly scrolling, the appeasing and worrying and caretaking appeasing and worrying and caretaking appeasing and worrying and caretaking the world around me instead because the the world around me instead because the the world around me instead because the number one thing I think that, and this number one thing I think that, and this number one thing I think that, and this is why I went into like the don't is why I went into like the don't is why I went into like the don't overwhelm yourself, we feel more overwhelm yourself, we feel more overwhelm yourself, we feel more shameful when we know better, when we shameful when we know better, when we shameful when we know better, when we have a plan of action, and when we try have a plan of action, and when we try have a plan of action, and when we try to white knuckle or very understandably to white knuckle or very understandably to white knuckle or very understandably like get better quicker, right? And then like get better quicker, right? And then like get better quicker, right? And then we end up falling right back into those we end up falling right back into those we end up falling right back into those old habits because that is going to be old habits because that is going to be old habits because that is going to be where we revert to as stress goes up where we revert to as stress goes up where we revert to as stress goes up slow. It takes the thing that we hate to slow. It takes the thing that we hate to slow. It takes the thing that we hate to do which is the slow and steady and do which is the slow and steady and do which is the slow and steady and consistent consistent consistent &gt;&gt; process of creating new &gt;&gt; process of creating new &gt;&gt; process of creating new &gt;&gt; habits is a longer time. &gt;&gt; habits is a longer time. &gt;&gt; habits is a longer time. &gt;&gt; Yeah. And that's why I will be the first &gt;&gt; Yeah. And that's why I will be the first &gt;&gt; Yeah. And that's why I will be the first to and we were giggling about here when to and we were giggling about here when to and we were giggling about here when I was talking I will be the first to say I was talking I will be the first to say I was talking I will be the first to say all the ways my old habits still come all the ways my old habits still come all the ways my old habits still come back as frequent as recently as this back as frequent as recently as this back as frequent as recently as this morning because it's a journey right and morning because it's a journey right and morning because it's a journey right and I think a lot of us have this I think a lot of us have this I think a lot of us have this expectation that once we become aware of expectation that once we become aware of expectation that once we become aware of these these habits once we have some new these these habits once we have some new these these habits once we have some new practices that miraculously right all practices that miraculously right all practices that miraculously right all the old habits are just the old habits are just the old habits are just &gt;&gt; it's like your health too it's like you &gt;&gt; it's like your health too it's like you &gt;&gt; it's like your health too it's like you know if you have 100 pounds to lose you know if you have 100 pounds to lose you know if you have 100 pounds to lose you can't do it in a day experience is can't do it in a day experience is can't do it in a day experience is interesting because it's it's really a interesting because it's it's really a interesting because it's it's really a different specific kind of modality you different specific kind of modality you different specific kind of modality you can read about it, but it's essentially can read about it, but it's essentially can read about it, but it's essentially it's a it's a methodology for helping it's a it's a methodology for helping it's a it's a methodology for helping you get back on your body, to you get back on your body, to you get back on your body, to reeregulate your body, to regulate your reeregulate your body, to regulate your reeregulate your body, to regulate your nervous system, and to sort of break nervous system, and to sort of break nervous system, and to sort of break some of this and to sort of the reparing some of this and to sort of the reparing some of this and to sort of the reparing process is part of that, right? process is part of that, right? process is part of that, right? &gt;&gt; Yeah. &gt;&gt; Yeah. &gt;&gt; Yeah. &gt;&gt; But there's other parts to it, right? &gt;&gt; But there's other parts to it, right? &gt;&gt; But there's other parts to it, right? So, you know, the the sort of Dan Brown So, you know, the the sort of Dan Brown So, you know, the the sort of Dan Brown from Harvard, the psychologist who's a from Harvard, the psychologist who's a from Harvard, the psychologist who's a Tibetan Buddhist, talks about this sort Tibetan Buddhist, talks about this sort Tibetan Buddhist, talks about this sort of idealized parent. How do you like of idealized parent. How do you like of idealized parent. How do you like like then in that scene I talked about like then in that scene I talked about like then in that scene I talked about at the beginning of the show where I was at the beginning of the show where I was at the beginning of the show where I was this little boy and I was 11. I went in this little boy and I was 11. I went in this little boy and I was 11. I went in as me grown up Mark who's more mature as me grown up Mark who's more mature as me grown up Mark who's more mature and grounded and and comfort him. That and grounded and and comfort him. That and grounded and and comfort him. That was sort of an experience of me in some was sort of an experience of me in some was sort of an experience of me in some way reparenting and I literally have to way reparenting and I literally have to way reparenting and I literally have to do that every day so that the do that every day so that the do that every day so that the 11-year-old boy doesn't hijack my life, 11-year-old boy doesn't hijack my life, 11-year-old boy doesn't hijack my life, you know. you know. you know. &gt;&gt; And and so so you talk about sort of &gt;&gt; And and so so you talk about sort of &gt;&gt; And and so so you talk about sort of sort of in some ways it's mirroring sort of in some ways it's mirroring sort of in some ways it's mirroring young about this individuation. And how young about this individuation. And how young about this individuation. And how do you sort of get back to your do you sort of get back to your do you sort of get back to your authentic self? That's what he's really authentic self? That's what he's really authentic self? That's what he's really talking about is this these people who talking about is this these people who talking about is this these people who go through life and they're kind of in go through life and they're kind of in go through life and they're kind of in midlife and they realize gee wait a midlife and they realize gee wait a midlife and they realize gee wait a minute like I've succeeded I've done all minute like I've succeeded I've done all minute like I've succeeded I've done all these things but like I don't feel these things but like I don't feel these things but like I don't feel fulfilled like and he talks about how do fulfilled like and he talks about how do fulfilled like and he talks about how do you get back to this place of being you get back to this place of being you get back to this place of being whole and integrated which I think is whole and integrated which I think is whole and integrated which I think is what you're referring to when you talk what you're referring to when you talk what you're referring to when you talk about your authentic self. So how how do about your authentic self. So how how do about your authentic self. So how how do how do people get there? how do people get there? how do people get there? &gt;&gt; Yeah. Once we right have safety and &gt;&gt; Yeah. Once we right have safety and &gt;&gt; Yeah. Once we right have safety and security in our body, once we've learned security in our body, once we've learned security in our body, once we've learned that boundaries and limits are important that boundaries and limits are important that boundaries and limits are important to have, those nos are just as important to have, those nos are just as important to have, those nos are just as important as those yeses, right, that we can give as those yeses, right, that we can give as those yeses, right, that we can give to people to create space. Once we then to people to create space. Once we then to people to create space. Once we then kind of begin to reconnect with our kind of begin to reconnect with our kind of begin to reconnect with our emotional systems and learn how to, emotional systems and learn how to, emotional systems and learn how to, right, tolerate more uncomfortable right, tolerate more uncomfortable right, tolerate more uncomfortable emotions, right? Then the next really emotions, right? Then the next really emotions, right? Then the next really goal is to really see how I'm showing goal is to really see how I'm showing goal is to really see how I'm showing up, right? How am I expressing myself up, right? How am I expressing myself up, right? How am I expressing myself authentically when I have a perspective authentically when I have a perspective authentically when I have a perspective or a want or a need or an emotion? Can I or a want or a need or an emotion? Can I or a want or a need or an emotion? Can I share that with someone or do I water it share that with someone or do I water it share that with someone or do I water it down? Do I suppress it? Do I ignore it? down? Do I suppress it? Do I ignore it? down? Do I suppress it? Do I ignore it? Do I project it outward and make someone Do I project it outward and make someone Do I project it outward and make someone else the cause of it? And the reality else the cause of it? And the reality else the cause of it? And the reality again going back to childhood because we again going back to childhood because we again going back to childhood because we need it to belong. We learned how we need it to belong. We learned how we need it to belong. We learned how we learned the role to play. We learned the learned the role to play. We learned the learned the role to play. We learned the identity to wrap around ourselves. And identity to wrap around ourselves. And identity to wrap around ourselves. And that's where we began being the people that's where we began being the people that's where we began being the people pleaser, the caretaker, the pleaser, the caretaker, the pleaser, the caretaker, the overachiever, the black sheep, right? We overachiever, the black sheep, right? We overachiever, the black sheep, right? We became a role or an identity in became a role or an identity in became a role or an identity in childhood. So, and a lot of us, it's not childhood. So, and a lot of us, it's not childhood. So, and a lot of us, it's not always necessarily negative. Some of us, always necessarily negative. Some of us, always necessarily negative. Some of us, again, we're giving messages culturally, again, we're giving messages culturally, again, we're giving messages culturally, society, about very well-meaning society, about very well-meaning society, about very well-meaning messages about who we have to be to be messages about who we have to be to be messages about who we have to be to be right, to be to be to be uh secure and right, to be to be to be uh secure and right, to be to be to be uh secure and then financially secure and emotionally then financially secure and emotionally then financially secure and emotionally secure in our adulthood. And so we need secure in our adulthood. And so we need secure in our adulthood. And so we need to get clear on two things. First and to get clear on two things. First and to get clear on two things. First and foremost is what are those roles that foremost is what are those roles that foremost is what are those roles that we're playing like seeing oursel kind of we're playing like seeing oursel kind of we're playing like seeing oursel kind of default into certain actions. And then default into certain actions. And then default into certain actions. And then we need to give oursel the moment to we need to give oursel the moment to we need to give oursel the moment to pause and to now in adulthood determine pause and to now in adulthood determine pause and to now in adulthood determine if that action or that role is still if that action or that role is still if that action or that role is still serving us as it once did. And I think serving us as it once did. And I think serving us as it once did. And I think that's the area where again it can needs that's the area where again it can needs that's the area where again it can needs to begin for a lot of us in curiosity to begin for a lot of us in curiosity to begin for a lot of us in curiosity because it mainly is like I just don't because it mainly is like I just don't because it mainly is like I just don't feel good. You know I might not know why feel good. You know I might not know why feel good. You know I might not know why or who I even want to be or need to be. or who I even want to be or need to be. or who I even want to be or need to be. And this is really again what started my And this is really again what started my And this is really again what started my journey. I wasn't feeling fulfilled for journey. I wasn't feeling fulfilled for journey. I wasn't feeling fulfilled for all of the different reasons. And some all of the different reasons. And some all of the different reasons. And some of it was because I really wasn't of it was because I really wasn't of it was because I really wasn't feeling fulfilled in the way that I was feeling fulfilled in the way that I was feeling fulfilled in the way that I was working the career I picked. I I much working the career I picked. I I much working the career I picked. I I much more resonate with what I'm doing now more resonate with what I'm doing now more resonate with what I'm doing now with thinking with teaching with writing with thinking with teaching with writing with thinking with teaching with writing and my dad's joke that I'm a forever and my dad's joke that I'm a forever and my dad's joke that I'm a forever student is really being, you know, student is really being, you know, student is really being, you know, enacted in reality cuz that's what enacted in reality cuz that's what enacted in reality cuz that's what lights me up the most. I, you know, lights me up the most. I, you know, lights me up the most. I, you know, therapists, clinicians, we need them in therapists, clinicians, we need them in therapists, clinicians, we need them in the room to support individuals and that the room to support individuals and that the room to support individuals and that just really wasn't. just really wasn't. just really wasn't. &gt;&gt; You got 9 million patients on Instagram. &gt;&gt; You got 9 million patients on Instagram. &gt;&gt; You got 9 million patients on Instagram. &gt;&gt; Well, not right. So that's really wasn't &gt;&gt; Well, not right. So that's really wasn't &gt;&gt; Well, not right. So that's really wasn't what And so it's, you know, I didn't what And so it's, you know, I didn't what And so it's, you know, I didn't know know where I was going. I just what know know where I was going. I just what know know where I was going. I just what I knew first was I'm fantasizing about I knew first was I'm fantasizing about I knew first was I'm fantasizing about running away. So that's a marker that running away. So that's a marker that running away. So that's a marker that like something isn't you know connecting like something isn't you know connecting like something isn't you know connecting here. And so as I got then clear, this here. And so as I got then clear, this here. And so as I got then clear, this kind of leads into then the final goal kind of leads into then the final goal kind of leads into then the final goal of this whole journey. Once I became and of this whole journey. Once I became and of this whole journey. Once I became and understood what lights me up, what I get understood what lights me up, what I get understood what lights me up, what I get excited about, what I don't like doing, excited about, what I don't like doing, excited about, what I don't like doing, and then I became more of who I am in and then I became more of who I am in and then I became more of who I am in the world, then we can reconnect with the world, then we can reconnect with the world, then we can reconnect with our our deeper purpose. Like the I our our deeper purpose. Like the I our our deeper purpose. Like the I believe we all have a function and a believe we all have a function and a believe we all have a function and a role that's for a greater good, right? role that's for a greater good, right? role that's for a greater good, right? You might not do it as publicly as I'm You might not do it as publicly as I'm You might not do it as publicly as I'm doing it with right nine million doing it with right nine million doing it with right nine million followers and you don't need to because followers and you don't need to because followers and you don't need to because we impact everyone that we interact we impact everyone that we interact we impact everyone that we interact with. Right? So we all I think have a with. Right? So we all I think have a with. Right? So we all I think have a greater purpose and I think this is why greater purpose and I think this is why greater purpose and I think this is why many of us are feeling so unfulfilled many of us are feeling so unfulfilled many of us are feeling so unfulfilled and spiritually depleted. And I'm not and spiritually depleted. And I'm not and spiritually depleted. And I'm not even talking about spiritual and like a even talking about spiritual and like a even talking about spiritual and like a religious sense. I'm talking about religious sense. I'm talking about religious sense. I'm talking about spiritual in a connected to the greater spiritual in a connected to the greater spiritual in a connected to the greater sense of the universe and natural order sense of the universe and natural order sense of the universe and natural order of things. And I think again this goes of things. And I think again this goes of things. And I think again this goes back to society where we're not we're back to society where we're not we're back to society where we're not we're not connected. We're not even in not connected. We're not even in not connected. We're not even in communities. Very few of us are anymore. communities. Very few of us are anymore. communities. Very few of us are anymore. And that's again why we feel so And that's again why we feel so And that's again why we feel so depleted. So depleted. So depleted. So &gt;&gt; it's so true. And I think you know when &gt;&gt; it's so true. And I think you know when &gt;&gt; it's so true. And I think you know when you're talking about through these you're talking about through these you're talking about through these practices and through all the exercises practices and through all the exercises practices and through all the exercises in your book, we don't have time to talk in your book, we don't have time to talk in your book, we don't have time to talk about all them, but I encourage people about all them, but I encourage people about all them, but I encourage people to go get the book. Um and and um to go get the book. Um and and um to go get the book. Um and and um there's going to be a link in the show there's going to be a link in the show there's going to be a link in the show notes and encourage you to get where you notes and encourage you to get where you notes and encourage you to get where you can get books. It's called Reparenting can get books. It's called Reparenting can get books. It's called Reparenting the Inner Child, the new science of our the Inner Child, the new science of our the Inner Child, the new science of our oldest wounds and how to heal them. What oldest wounds and how to heal them. What oldest wounds and how to heal them. What what I think you kind of hit on, which I what I think you kind of hit on, which I what I think you kind of hit on, which I think is really important, is this idea think is really important, is this idea think is really important, is this idea of of relational neuroplasticity. of of relational neuroplasticity. of of relational neuroplasticity. And and that's a big mouthful. So, And and that's a big mouthful. So, And and that's a big mouthful. So, unpack what that means. And and and I'm unpack what that means. And and and I'm unpack what that means. And and and I'm going to say why it's important because going to say why it's important because going to say why it's important because as a doctor, you know, we think in some as a doctor, you know, we think in some as a doctor, you know, we think in some ways when we have these emotional ways when we have these emotional ways when we have these emotional states, we we think we're fixed. But the states, we we think we're fixed. But the states, we we think we're fixed. But the reality is that we can rewire our reality is that we can rewire our reality is that we can rewire our nervous system like literally change the nervous system like literally change the nervous system like literally change the neural connections. Uh you can literally neural connections. Uh you can literally neural connections. Uh you can literally change the the the the nerve cells and change the the the the nerve cells and change the the the the nerve cells and how they function. It's it's it's how they function. It's it's it's how they function. It's it's it's documented through the science of documented through the science of documented through the science of neuroplasticity and and and neuro neuro neuroplasticity and and and neuro neuro neuroplasticity and and and neuro neuro um neurogenesis which is creating new um neurogenesis which is creating new um neurogenesis which is creating new brain cells. So we know this is brain cells. So we know this is brain cells. So we know this is possible. But what you're talking about possible. But what you're talking about possible. But what you're talking about is through these practices you're able is through these practices you're able is through these practices you're able to actually rewire it. So it's not to actually rewire it. So it's not to actually rewire it. So it's not you're not like this automatic state. you're not like this automatic state. you're not like this automatic state. &gt;&gt; Relational neuroplasticity again kind of &gt;&gt; Relational neuroplasticity again kind of &gt;&gt; Relational neuroplasticity again kind of brings this so full circle and learning brings this so full circle and learning brings this so full circle and learning that neuroplasticity existed in science that neuroplasticity existed in science that neuroplasticity existed in science is in my opinion is an absolute gamecher is in my opinion is an absolute gamecher is in my opinion is an absolute gamecher because and my dad is of the generation because and my dad is of the generation because and my dad is of the generation where that wasn't the predominant where that wasn't the predominant where that wasn't the predominant belief. I can't tell you how many times belief. I can't tell you how many times belief. I can't tell you how many times even to this day my dad was like oh even to this day my dad was like oh even to this day my dad was like oh that's just how I am. I can't change. that's just how I am. I can't change. that's just how I am. I can't change. You know and so the reality thankfully You know and so the reality thankfully You know and so the reality thankfully we know in science that we can change. we know in science that we can change. we know in science that we can change. We just have to make consistent new We just have to make consistent new We just have to make consistent new choices to create that change. But in in choices to create that change. But in in choices to create that change. But in in terms of our brain and our terms of our brain and our terms of our brain and our neurohysiology and it can happen neurohysiology and it can happen neurohysiology and it can happen beautifully thankfully beautifully thankfully beautifully thankfully &gt;&gt; just like you go to the gym you can &gt;&gt; just like you go to the gym you can &gt;&gt; just like you go to the gym you can build build muscle at any age right build build muscle at any age right build build muscle at any age right &gt;&gt; the relational component kind of brings &gt;&gt; the relational component kind of brings &gt;&gt; the relational component kind of brings us again full circle our wiring right us again full circle our wiring right us again full circle our wiring right was built in a relationship was impacted was built in a relationship was impacted was built in a relationship was impacted by those individuals that were either by those individuals that were either by those individuals that were either present and attuned to us and able to present and attuned to us and able to present and attuned to us and able to soo us and comfort us or who weren't. So soo us and comfort us or who weren't. So soo us and comfort us or who weren't. So just as we were greatly impacted by our just as we were greatly impacted by our just as we were greatly impacted by our earliest relationships, we can be earliest relationships, we can be earliest relationships, we can be equally greatly impacted by our equally greatly impacted by our equally greatly impacted by our relationships now. And not to sound relationships now. And not to sound relationships now. And not to sound cliche, but the predominant relationship cliche, but the predominant relationship cliche, but the predominant relationship again begins with me and learning when I again begins with me and learning when I again begins with me and learning when I don't feel safe, right? My own self, don't feel safe, right? My own self, don't feel safe, right? My own self, learning how to create safety and learning how to create safety and learning how to create safety and security and then finding first and security and then finding first and security and then finding first and foremost what most of us become a a lot foremost what most of us become a a lot foremost what most of us become a a lot of us more often become aware of is when of us more often become aware of is when of us more often become aware of is when relationships aren't healthy. when we relationships aren't healthy. when we relationships aren't healthy. when we are participating in, you know, are participating in, you know, are participating in, you know, dysfunctional dynamics and then making dysfunctional dynamics and then making dysfunctional dynamics and then making the changes that we can because a safe the changes that we can because a safe the changes that we can because a safe and secure relationship, whoever it's and secure relationship, whoever it's and secure relationship, whoever it's with, with a therapist, with a best with, with a therapist, with a best with, with a therapist, with a best friend, with a romantic partner, if friend, with a romantic partner, if friend, with a romantic partner, if you're lucky to be working toward you're lucky to be working toward you're lucky to be working toward creating that with them, then that can creating that with them, then that can creating that with them, then that can be so impactful again because our brain be so impactful again because our brain be so impactful again because our brain was wired in a relationship. So at any was wired in a relationship. So at any was wired in a relationship. So at any time into our future in a safe time into our future in a safe time into our future in a safe relationship or in a relationship that's relationship or in a relationship that's relationship or in a relationship that's moving towards safety, we can really moving towards safety, we can really moving towards safety, we can really create limitless change and then that create limitless change and then that create limitless change and then that becomes then what's modeled in future becomes then what's modeled in future becomes then what's modeled in future relationships especially for those of us relationships especially for those of us relationships especially for those of us who have who have who have &gt;&gt; breaking the chain of trauma or &gt;&gt; breaking the chain of trauma or &gt;&gt; breaking the chain of trauma or generations, right? And I think you know generations, right? And I think you know generations, right? And I think you know you you hit on this the first bit which you you hit on this the first bit which you you hit on this the first bit which is I think the most important which is is I think the most important which is is I think the most important which is the first the most important the first the most important the first the most important relationship is the relationship to relationship is the relationship to relationship is the relationship to yourself because that is what other yourself because that is what other yourself because that is what other relationships are predicated on and relationships are predicated on and relationships are predicated on and whether or not you're going to be whether or not you're going to be whether or not you're going to be healthy or not or whether you're going healthy or not or whether you're going healthy or not or whether you're going to be happy or not is is really depend to be happy or not is is really depend to be happy or not is is really depend on that and I just can't thank you on that and I just can't thank you on that and I just can't thank you enough for the work you do and the enough for the work you do and the enough for the work you do and the messages you get out there um definitely messages you get out there um definitely messages you get out there um definitely helped me I know it's helped my wife um helped me I know it's helped my wife um helped me I know it's helped my wife um helped obviously a lot of millions of helped obviously a lot of millions of helped obviously a lot of millions of people and in some ways it's um you know people and in some ways it's um you know people and in some ways it's um you know it's driven by our own stories but But it's driven by our own stories but But it's driven by our own stories but But thank God, you know, we had to figure thank God, you know, we had to figure thank God, you know, we had to figure this out for ourselves so we can teach this out for ourselves so we can teach this out for ourselves so we can teach the world. Right. the world. Right. the world. Right. &gt;&gt; Well, again, I reflect that gratitude &gt;&gt; Well, again, I reflect that gratitude &gt;&gt; Well, again, I reflect that gratitude right back. Like I said, your work was right back. Like I said, your work was right back. Like I said, your work was so pivotal in in my understanding and so pivotal in in my understanding and so pivotal in in my understanding and I'm just so honored and gleeful and I'm just so honored and gleeful and I'm just so honored and gleeful and excited that we can come across the excited that we can come across the excited that we can come across the aisle and talk to each other as, you aisle and talk to each other as, you aisle and talk to each other as, you know, doctors of different parts of the know, doctors of different parts of the know, doctors of different parts of the body and understand that it's the same body and understand that it's the same body and understand that it's the same experience that we're working to to help experience that we're working to to help experience that we're working to to help uh humanity around. And it's so I am uh humanity around. And it's so I am uh humanity around. And it's so I am just I I get a kick out of the fact that just I I get a kick out of the fact that just I I get a kick out of the fact that 9 million people are interested in 9 million people are interested in 9 million people are interested in hearing these conversations and that I hearing these conversations and that I hearing these conversations and that I have a virtual community and people want have a virtual community and people want have a virtual community and people want to buy books on the inner child. So I'm to buy books on the inner child. So I'm to buy books on the inner child. So I'm here for it and we'll talk about it till here for it and we'll talk about it till here for it and we'll talk about it till whenever. So thank you for giving me the whenever. So thank you for giving me the whenever. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to share. opportunity to share. opportunity to share. &gt;&gt; Amazing. Amazing. So where can people &gt;&gt; Amazing. Amazing. So where can people &gt;&gt; Amazing. Amazing. So where can people learn more about your work? learn more about your work? learn more about your work? &gt;&gt; Yeah, absolutely. So of course the book &gt;&gt; Yeah, absolutely. So of course the book &gt;&gt; Yeah, absolutely. So of course the book is available wherever books are sold. is available wherever books are sold. is available wherever books are sold. There's an audio book as well. Um I am There's an audio book as well. Um I am There's an audio book as well. Um I am really I think it's very important to really I think it's very important to really I think it's very important to get this information out for free get this information out for free get this information out for free accessible content. So, I'm really accessible content. So, I'm really accessible content. So, I'm really across all of the social media across all of the social media across all of the social media platforms, however you consume content, platforms, however you consume content, platforms, however you consume content, the holistic psychologist. Go give it a the holistic psychologist. Go give it a the holistic psychologist. Go give it a follow. I have a holistic psychologist, follow. I have a holistic psychologist, follow. I have a holistic psychologist, some version of that name, whether it's some version of that name, whether it's some version of that name, whether it's X or Tik Tok or YouTube or Instagram, X or Tik Tok or YouTube or Instagram, X or Tik Tok or YouTube or Instagram, all of the things. And again, we really all of the things. And again, we really all of the things. And again, we really do focus on giving content, resources do focus on giving content, resources do focus on giving content, resources that can help, information that can help that can help, information that can help that can help, information that can help individuals change whether or not you individuals change whether or not you individuals change whether or not you purchase anything that obviously I do purchase anything that obviously I do purchase anything that obviously I do offer. The other thing being uh my offer. The other thing being uh my offer. The other thing being uh my virtual membership community, virtual membership community, virtual membership community, Self-Healer Circle. You can check that Self-Healer Circle. You can check that Self-Healer Circle. You can check that out at selfhealerscircle.com. We just out at selfhealerscircle.com. We just out at selfhealerscircle.com. We just actually released an app, so it's super actually released an app, so it's super actually released an app, so it's super exciting. exciting. exciting. &gt;&gt; Amazing. Well, everybody listening, um &gt;&gt; Amazing. Well, everybody listening, um &gt;&gt; Amazing. Well, everybody listening, um we're going to uh dive deep in more of we're going to uh dive deep in more of we're going to uh dive deep in more of Nicole's work. I'm certainly going to Nicole's work. I'm certainly going to Nicole's work. I'm certainly going to dive deep and uh we're doing an Ultra dive deep and uh we're doing an Ultra dive deep and uh we're doing an Ultra Mind Summit about mental health, the Mind Summit about mental health, the Mind Summit about mental health, the brain. Hopefully, we'll have you on that brain. Hopefully, we'll have you on that brain. Hopefully, we'll have you on that and talk more about this. So, we and talk more about this. So, we and talk more about this. So, we &gt;&gt; look forward to it. &gt;&gt; look forward to it. &gt;&gt; look forward to it. &gt;&gt; Yeah. Thanks, Nicole. &gt;&gt; Yeah. Thanks, Nicole. &gt;&gt; Yeah. Thanks, Nicole. &gt;&gt; Of course. Thank you. &gt;&gt; Of course. Thank you. &gt;&gt; Of course. Thank you. &gt;&gt; If you love that last video, you're &gt;&gt; If you love that last video, you're &gt;&gt; If you love that last video, you're going to love the next one. Check it out going to love the next one. Check it out going to love the next one. Check it out here.