Stop Wasting Your Energy — Here’s What to Do Instead (with Dr. Diana Hill) | The Happiness Lab
When you're stuck, trying harder at the same thing is like a bird repeatedly flying into a window. Instead, deploy your mental 'get unstuck button': do anything except what you're currently doing. Variation in behavior is the first step to evolution—mix things up, notice what works, then reinforce i
46mKey Takeaway
When you're stuck, trying harder at the same thing is like a bird repeatedly flying into a window. Instead, deploy your mental 'get unstuck button': do anything except what you're currently doing. Variation in behavior is the first step to evolution—mix things up, notice what works, then reinforce it. Your energy is everything, and one hour spent aligned with your values can shift your entire day.
Episode Overview
Clinical psychologist Dr. Diana Hill discusses strategies from her book 'Wise Effort' to help redirect energy toward what truly matters. Using the metaphor of a bird stuck indoors, she explains how pushing harder often keeps us trapped. The episode covers seven key strategies: cultivating curiosity, aligning with values, seeking variation, accepting discomfort, managing the 'rooster mind,' and finding what makes life 'most lifey.'
Key Insights
The Bird in the Window: Why Effort Without Wisdom Fails
Like a bird repeatedly flying into a window, we often respond to feeling stuck by doing more of what isn't working. This leads to exhaustion, self-blame, or learned helplessness. The solution isn't to try harder—it's to pause, look around, and try something different with psychological flexibility.
Behavioral Evolution Requires Variation, Selection, and Retention
Inspired by autonomous robots with 'get unstuck buttons,' behavioral evolution follows three steps: introduce variation in your behavior, notice when something works (selection), and reinforce what's effective (retention). When stuck, narrowing your behavioral repertoire keeps you trapped—expanding it creates possibilities.
Values Are Qualities of Action, Not Achievement
Values aren't about outcomes or finish lines—they're about how you show up and what brings aliveness. Ask yourself when life feels 'most lifey' (moments of connection, growth, meaning) rather than focusing on achievements. These moments reveal your true values and where energy should flow.
Discomfort and Values Point in the Same Direction
We procrastinate on what matters most because it carries the most discomfort. Avoidance strategies (distraction, numbing, procrastination) create secondary problems while keeping us from our values. Radical acceptance—willingness to feel discomfort without approval—allows us to move toward what we care about.
Work With Your Rooster Mind, Don't Fight It
The mind constantly produces thoughts (like a rooster that crows all day). Fighting or following every thought pulls you off track. Instead, practice cognitive defusion: notice thoughts, create space from them, and choose which ones align with your values using wise speech questions (Is it kind? True? Timely? Helpful?).
Notable Quotes
"Like if I just fly harder at this relationship or work harder in a work setting that's actually toxic for me, maybe that will get me out and that can lead us to just feeling exhausted, right?"
"One hour of something that brings you vitality, of something that opens you up, of even something that's a little bit hard for you, but the end of it you feel regenerated by is an hour that could shift your whole day."
"Curiosity and openness is the new mindfulness. So much so that Jonathan Skooler, who's at UCSB, is changing the name of his center from the center of mindfulness to the center of openness because it's a little bit different than mindfulness. It's staying open to the field of possibility."
"The things that matter to us are often the things that cause us the most discomfort. You will avoid or procrastinate on the projects that you really really really care about doing a good job for and then you'll choose the things that like don't really matter."
"There's a big distinction in acceptance and commitment therapy or ACT around acceptance is really about what Kirk Stasel calls your teams acceptance of your thoughts, acceptance of your emotions, acceptance of your action urges, acceptance of your memories, acceptance of your sensations."
Action Items
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1
Practice the 'Get Unstuck Button' When Feeling Trapped
When stuck in any situation, deliberately try doing anything except what you're currently doing. Like a robot programmed to attempt its entire behavioral repertoire, experiment with different approaches—go backwards, sideways, pause, or try something completely new. Notice what shifts, then reinforce what works.
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2
Conduct a Nightly 'Life at Its Most Lifey' Scan
Before bed, review your day and identify moments when life felt most alive, meaningful, or energizing. These are often in the 'in-betweens'—not your main activities. Use these insights to understand your values and redirect more energy toward activities that create this aliveness.
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3
Journal Using the Five-Five-Five Method
To gain perspective when stuck, write down: five things you're thinking, five things you're feeling, and five behaviors you're engaging in. Then draw your experience without language to create cognitive distance. This helps you step back from being entangled in your situation.
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4
Apply Wise Speech Questions to Your Inner Dialogue
When your mind is 'crowing' with worries or criticism, ask four questions: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it timely? Is it helpful? Use these to decide which thoughts deserve your attention and which you can let pass, especially during 2 a.m. worry sessions.