STOP Trying To Change Others! People Change Only If They Want To... | Ed Mylett

Key Takeaway

Stop wasting energy trying to change other people. They'll only change when they choose to, not because you want them to. Instead, make one of two decisions: accept them as they are, or choose not to be with them. The most powerful thing you can do is ask, 'Do you want to change?' and then make your decision based on their honest answer. Your happiness cannot depend on another person's behavior.

Episode Overview

Ed Mylett answers a listener question about changing a spouse's behavior, explaining that you cannot force people to change. He discusses why trying to change others is exhausting and counterproductive, leading to resistance, rebellion, and resentment. The episode emphasizes making clear decisions to either accept people as they are or create distance, rather than wasting energy on futile attempts to control their behavior.

Full Transcript

Transcript of STOP Trying To Change Others! People Change Only If They Want To... | Ed Mylett from The Ed Mylett Show. Auto-generated from episode audio; may contain minor errors.

Hey everyone, welcome to my weekend special. I hope you enjoy the show. Hit that like button and be sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel so you never miss my show, whether it's Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday. Here's our first guest. All right, welcome back to the show. I love our Thursday episodes because it gives me a chance to answer your questions on the show. So, I love creating content for you when I do the interviews or my solo episodes, but I also love answering your questions because I know that is exactly the things that you need help with.

And so, today's no exception. By the way, if you have something you want help with or a question answered, you can DM me on Instagram @edmylett and there's a chance it'll end up on the show, like it did today. Today's question is all about change, which is a really interesting one, except not change of oneself, change of another person. So, this person's question was, "Can you please help me change my spouse and the way they behave?" they behave?" they behave?" Let me um be very clear with you.

No, I can't. And more importantly, neither can you. you. you. So many of us, and I'll put myself included in this, we are wasting so much time, effort, and energy trying to get another human being to change when they're not going to. They're certainly not going to change for you. If a human being is going to change their behavior, they're going to change that behavior because they choose to, because they want to. And no cajoling, no threatening, no encouraging is going to get another human being to change on your behalf.

And so, so many of you are wasting energy, focus, and time with somebody who is not going to change. And so, you need to decide. I'm not saying that you don't want people to treat you in a way that you deserve or that you're worthy of. That's not what I'm talking about here. about here. about here. What I am saying is they're probably not going to change. And so, there's two things you can try to do in your life. You can waste all the energy you have trying to change this person, or or or you can just change the person.

In other words, maybe it's time you not be with this person anymore, or accept the way they are. Now, if they treat you in a way that's not worthy or what you deserve, then you should leave. But wasting energy, all the different things we do, don't we? We try to prod and we try to threaten. Someone's treating us in a way. Think about all the things we do. We'll give them the silent treatment. We'll give them the cold shoulder. We'll threaten them. We'll try to encourage them.

Whatever the thing is that you might do, has any of it worked for the long term, not the short term? The long term. People will eventually reveal to you who they are. And when they do, they do, they do, wouldn't it be more prudent to either accept the way they are if it's worthy of you and you deserve it, or to leave? Or to leave. Are you so afraid to be alone that you're willing to stay with somebody over and over again who mistreats you or treats you or behaves or treats themselves?

Maybe they do things where they treat themselves in such a way. It's just terrible. And And you watch this happen over and over again and it hurts you. But yet you stay with them. You have to ask yourself, why do you stay with them? You've already You know they're not going to change, right? You keep trying to do a different tactic or a strategy or give them a book or something to They have to decide this on their own. Listen, I know that when my dad was drinking and I've had other friends of mine that have had substance abuse issues in their life.

There's nothing you can do. You You You can't create a word game to get them to change. They have to hit a place in their life where they decide they're going to change. Human beings have to make that decision themselves. And so all the games we play, the cold shoulder, the I'm not going to talk to you. I'm going to step away for a while. You're going to threaten them. Whatever it is, it is, it is, it doesn't work long term. And what happens when you're constantly trying to get somebody to change?

Let me tell you what ends up happening. They resist you, they rebel against you, and they resent you. The three Rs. And so the more you try to get them to change, they resist, then they rebel, and they resent. And then it almost feeds the behavior that they're having. they're having. they're having. You know, one of my greatest strengths in my life is I see somebody as they're capable of being. And I love them and I believe in them. And it's been one of my great strengths in my life.

It's also been one of the great weaknesses and one of the things that's been used as a weapon to hurt me. That I see them as they could be. And that's what you want to do as a leader in business or as a parent or as a friend is see somebody as they could be and try to get them to live up to a particular standard. standard. standard. But at some point someone has shown you who they are. They revealed to you at least who they are now.

are now. are now. And so many of us stay in a relationship with somebody. with somebody. with somebody. Haven't you? Haven't you? Haven't you? Many of you listening to this or watching it. watching it. watching it. And the real reason you're staying is your own lack of self-worth. Your own lack of really believing what you deserve. you deserve. you deserve. You would rather be with someone who behaves in a way that either doesn't treat you well, isn't worthy of themselves, they don't treat other people well, maybe all of the three or one of them.

And the reason you stay is you'd rather have that than the fear of [snorts] being alone because maybe you think you can't do better or get someone else. And so maybe the problem isn't with this other person. Maybe the issue is with you. you. you. And so please stop trying to get other people to change. It's not going to happen. They have to live their own lives, make their own decisions, their own mistakes and they need to deal with the consequences of those choices. And potentially potentially potentially maybe one of those consequences is that you're not around in their life anymore.

Maybe they're going to suffer the consequence of you won't be quite as close to them anymore. Maybe you won't be close to them at all. Maybe you just won't be around them as much. This could be a friend. This could be an intimate relationship in your life or maybe it's somebody even that you employ. employ. employ. So, you can't be so concerned that you're going to be alone that you begin to waste all your energy. It's debilitating. You're going to be waiting for a long time, by the way.

If your happiness is contingent on your environment or your happiness is contingent on the behavior of other peoples. If you have surrendered your own happiness own happiness own happiness to another human being, and their choices, and their behavior, and how they have to conduct themselves in a way that you see fit in order for you to feel happiness and loved, well, you're taking a big risk in your life, and you're wasting a lot of energy. And so, sometimes you just have to say bye-bye, or create distance, or just make the decision that it's okay to be alone.

Or if someone works for you, maybe let them go. I think there's only so many times you can ask somebody to live up to a standard or a behavior, or hold them accountable, or threaten them, until at some point, all you're really doing is criticizing them. And all you're really doing is creating toxicity in your life and in your relationship with this person. And so, there's a lot of reasons why I don't think nagging somebody, getting on them, um giving them unwanted advice, stress, conflict, all that stuff, it just negatively impacts human beings and their relationships.

And when we try to fix, change, rescue people in our lives over and over again, we're really assuming that we know what's best for them. And really what we're really probably trying to do, is we really know what's best for us. And so, are you really trying to get them to change so that they'll be happier? happier? happier? Are you trying to get them to change so that you'd be happier? This is a point of reflection for so many of us. And most of us spend most of our lives trying to get the person around us to behave differently.

behave differently. behave differently. And we set up these expectations, where they constantly are letting us down, rather than just making one of two choices. choices. choices. I accept you as you are, or I don't. If I accept you as you are, I'm going to encourage you to grow and improve. And there's obviously in life, there's a particular standard that someone must treat us that we're worthy of, and that we deserve. But if someone consistently doesn't live up to that standard, why are you wasting all this energy at this one person to change, this one human being to change, when there's 8 billion other ones?

other ones? other ones? And then what you got to do is you got to take a look at yourself. Why am I so reliant on this person for my happiness? Why am I so dependent on the conditions of how they act based on my own bliss? This is something that's a very dangerous place, and what happens is we become more resentful, we become more frustrated. Then we behave in a way that's not worthy of us or reflective reflective of how we should conduct ourselves, and now we're not treating that and now it's toxic.

Rather than just make one of the two choices that I've I've I've uh suggested. When we get distracted from solving our own problems and issues and we spend all of our time trying to solve another person's problems and issues, we've depleted all of our energy and now we're not growing ourselves. And by the way, word to the wise, because you listen to my content, because you listen to programs like this, it means you're addicted to growing, you're addicted to improving yourself, an expansion of your being and becoming a better version of you and all of these things.

If you're not with someone who is also that way, that's okay by the way. But trying to get them to be like you will just create more distance between you and them. and them. and them. I think it's okay that if in a relationship, you're growing and expanding and changing and the other person is rather happy the way they are. I think those two people can coexist. can coexist. can coexist. I think it's fine. Now, do I think it's best if there's two people sort of running together and I'm growing and expanding and you're growing and expanding and we're heading somewhere?

I do think that's best, but I also believe that it works where one person's like, "Hey, I'm not satisfied with who I am. I'm changing and growing and evolving." And the other person's like, "I'm actually pretty satisfied. I like my job. I like my life. I I like my emotions. I emotions. I emotions. I I'm okay." I'm okay." I'm okay." That relationship can work as well. What won't work is when one resents the other one because they're not like them. And you want them to change the way they act and conduct themselves, not based on their own happiness, probably, but based on yours.

on yours. on yours. So, just take a quick look, a long look, if you will. And just decide, is this the right person in my intimate relationship? Is this the person who should be my close friend? Maybe they should be a distant friend. Maybe they should no longer be my intimate partner, but someone that I consider consider consider uh uh uh a lifelong friend. Maybe they shouldn't be around me at all. all. all. If I employ this person, how many choices and chances am I going to give them before they just don't live up to the standard?

the standard? the standard? And I've got to make a difficult decision. It's the difficult decisions that you need to make that are what matter. That's what matters. Instead of trying to make the easy one, which is just putting it off on them to change their behavior. behavior. behavior. I think you're being selfish when you're asking somebody to change against their own will. own will. own will. That's number one. Number two, I think it's exhausting. If this person is not interested or ready for change, you're putting out a whole lot of energy and a whole lot of focus and a lot of challenges in your life unnecessarily.

And again, I want to reinforce this. You cannot get somebody to change. And what's going to happen is you're going to begin to be seen as controlling. And that's not something you want. And let me tell you the other thing. You're going to lose. You're going to lose this battle. And if you're not careful, if you keep battling them about this, you're eventually going to lose this person. And maybe in some cases it's not necessary. necessary. necessary. If you go back to my dad when he uh quit drinking and other friends of mine that have quit a habit that didn't serve them or change their behavior.

They have to reach their own conclusions. It's an internal change is an internal thing. They They to make an internal decision, not based on the external external external forcing of another human being. And change in our lives, if you're someone like me who I'm constantly changing and evolving, and I am, it's hard for you to connect and relate to somebody who isn't. And you have to evaluate that. And then you just on your own terms, you have to go, "I'm okay that they're not changing and evolving." and evolving." and evolving." And let's just be honest.

You fell in love with that person the way they were. Is it really fair for you now to say, "Hey, "Hey, "Hey, I want you to be changing all the time?" Part of them's like, "Well, wait a minute. I I'm not the one who said I wanted to grow and change and evolve and increase. I increase. I increase. I I like my life. I like the way that I am." am." am." One of the things we do in the personal development business is we judge people who don't change and grow.

I've learned not to do that. I've learned to accept people as they are, if they accept themselves as they are. Now, if someone says to me, "I don't like the way my life is. I want to change. I want to grow. I want to be better." And then they don't, well, now we got a real issue. But I have a lot of people that are friends of mine that are like, "Hey, man, it's I love that you're always growing and expanding and changing. And I get it.

I'm just not wired that way. And you need to accept me this way, or don't. or don't. or don't. But don't constantly be judging me and assessing me and my gosh, it's exhausting for them as well to always feel like they're under the microscope, that you're always watching them. watching them. watching them. And then what happens is, because they love you, they artificially try to change things in the short term. But people return back to their patterns. If your pattern is to grow and improve and expand, expand, expand, you're going to do that.

If your pattern is you don't, you're probably not going to. And so sometimes you just got to say, "Bye-bye." "Bye-bye." "Bye-bye." "Bye." And that's the hard thing to do, and it's excruciatingly painful. And I'm not encouraging you to do that. What I'm encouraging you to do is one or the other. other. other. It's one or the other. Accept them or leave. leave. leave. And if it's leaving is the real painful thing to do, it's the more painful thing to do, right? But it's short-term pain. Long-term pain is to stay with somebody over and over and over again who's going to let you down, who you're in conflict with, who gets your hopes up, your expectations up, and then doesn't meet them.

them. them. And by the way, they're in pain, cuz maybe they love you and they want to be a particular person that they're just not. not. not. That they just aren't. And if you suffer from this disease I have where I always see people as I think they could be, it's so beautiful as a business leader to be that way. And if you're with the right person, they want you to see the better version of them. Listen, I know in personal development we're constantly talking about getting people to rise to the standard and getting the treatment that you deserve and and not just accepting somebody as they are, but demanding and requiring more of them.

That's if that person wants to be required to do more, if they want to expand, if they've signed up for that agreement. agreement. agreement. But there are a lot of people in the world that aren't like you and I, that are relatively happy the way they are. They don't want to be richer. They don't want to be more fit. They don't want to expand their knowledge and their their emotional basis. They're okay the way they are. Now, I don't relate to that. I don't understand that at all, and probably you don't.

But you either need to accept that they're that way, or you need to not be with them, cuz there's no word game, there's no cajoling, there's no cold shoulder, there's no threatening, there's no silent treatment that's going to get them to do it. There's no comparison where you tell them, "Well, so-and-so's like this, or so-and-so's wife does this, or spouse does that, or husband does this." And you begin to compare them to another person. All of this is just this toxic soup of you trying to get another person to meet your conditions so you're more comfortable and happy.

and happy. and happy. Maybe they're just the wrong person. Or maybe you need to just give them a break. Today's episode is brought to you by Rag & Bone. You know, Rag & Bone Infuse offers a range of fits tailored for any style and occasion. So you can get like slim and straight or you can get athletic, you can get relaxed. Infuse denim is a wardrobe staple that I think pairs really great with any outfit, whatever you prefer. It's built with premium materials and craftsmanship. These jeans are made to last, not just for a season, but for years.

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That's 20% off at rag-bone.com with promo code MYLET. When they ask where you heard about them, please support our show and let them know we sent you. And so, today's message is just to have you reflect on this. And if you have any relationship like this, a work one, an intimate one, a friendship, eventually you got to evaluate. And you know what? Probably the most powerful thing you could do is is to ask them, "Do you want to change? Do you want to grow? And be honest with me.

Do you want to get better? Do you want to expand? And it's okay if you don't, but please level with me. Rather than me constantly have these expectations that things are going to be different and then they never are or they only are short-term. Just please be honest with me." And that way you can make your decisions. And so, this idea that how do I get somebody else to change is a flawed premise and something that doesn't serve you. It's not going to work long-term. And the person every single minute you're spending looking at this other person how much they need to change are minutes you're not looking at you.

You're not looking inside. looking inside. looking inside. And by the way, sometimes I found in my life is that as I've changed and evolved, evolved, evolved, it's created a space and a comfort level and a security and a safety for the people around me that they now can as well. And so the best thing I can do for this other person is to continue to run my play, play, play, play my game, live my life, and support and love them where they are. Meet somebody where they are, love them where they are.

And again, if they're not meeting a standard of what you're worthy of or what you deserve or they're treating you in a mean way, a condescending way, a threatening way, an abusive way, abusive way, abusive way, get out. Leave. Do not be with them. If they're not honest with you and forthright, it's the wrong person. And it'd be better to be alone than to be with somebody that doesn't treat you in a way that you're worthy of and that you deserve. Stop trying to change them.

It's killing you. It's taking all your energy. It's zapping you of all the juice of life. And life is supposed to be lived and you were born to do something great with your life. You were also born to be in a relationship that's loving and blissful and kind and kind and kind and if you so choose, growth-oriented and progressive and progressive and progressive and expansive. If you choose that, it's okay that you choose somebody who doesn't want to run the race with you, but supports you running your race and you support them running theirs.

All welcome back to the show everybody. So, you like me to ever want to go to Yale? Do you ever want to go to an Ivy League school and wonder what it was like? You know, for me there was a few obstacles. One was IQ, two was grades, three was uh college scores, college scores, college scores, and uh money. So, it kind of eliminated me. So, you were almost there. I was this close. But today I'm going to bring you into what I think is, you know, one of the most popular courses at Yale School of Management and the [snorts] lady who teaches that class, we're going to go in there together today.

So if you're interested in that, listen. And if that never interested you, would you like to be more influential, which I think is the most important skill set a human being can possess is to be able to influence themselves and other human beings. And I have the best person on the planet I think to talk about it today. So Zoe Chance, welcome to the show. Uh thank you so much. It's an honor to be here and I'm so happy to meet you. By the way, new book out, Influence is Your Superpower.

I like the tagline though, The Science of Winning Hearts, Sparking Change, and Making Good Things Happen. And it's available by the time you're listening to this guys, it's February 1st, you can go get it, pre-order it, do whatever you want, but it is outstanding stuff and we've got a full hour to cover today on this topic. So, you ready to roll? Let's roll. Okay. Interesting first thing for me is that you say something about you may not be able to change people's minds, but you can change people the way that they sort of behave.

And so, I've always looked at influence like I'm going to change their mind. Then I'm starting to read your work, I'm like, no, I was wrong about that. So start out there about changing behavior and not minds. Right. This is a a distinction that most of us don't make. We think that if we want to change somebody, we need to change their mind, but so but so but so little of our thinking and our behavior is actually happening consciously or intentionally. That intentionally. That intentionally. That often it's not just that it's so so hard to change people's minds, including yours, of course, as you know, but it is very unlikely that if you do change their minds, their behavior will just naturally follow.

naturally follow. naturally follow. And a simple example of conversation somebody was having with having with me this morning is about his kid not rinsing out the the bathroom sink after brushing his teeth. And he's like, how do I get him to care? How do I get him to remember?" And he thinks he needs to change his son's mind, but he's just forgetting. It's not that his son needs to be motivated to rinse out the sink, right? right? right? Motivation, even though this is such a big part of what we talk about in our pursuit of success, motivation is a smaller part of the question than just making it easy.

easy. easy. So, I was talking to you about what would make it easier for your son to remember to do the thing. And so, he's going to ask his son, "What would it take for you to remember to do the thing?" And they'll decide. And, you know, is it going to be a Hot Wheels car sitting next to the sink in the bathroom? And then he knows that's what it means. I don't know. Yeah. Well, so this is this is where we're going to go. So, I love this.

By the way, one of the benchmarks of my work is that I don't think the most motivated people win in life. I think it's their habits and rituals and their routines on the days they don't feel inspired. And the reason, after reading your work, that this is true. By the way, guys, you already can tell. If you're listening to this on the treadmill or driving in the car, you're going to do it. And then you're going to actually want to go write a bunch of notes down cuz you're going to be in class today on influence.

But one of the things you point out in the book is that what you just said, but I want you to elaborate on this point, which is one of the ways to influence people is they're typically always going to take the path of least resistance. And just the understanding and awareness that that's what a human being is likely to do, I think is one of the first pathways to being more influential. So, elaborate on If I'm wrong, correct me. And if I'm right, elaborate on that a little bit.

Yeah, thank you. It's not that we're lazy in terms of not being willing to do a lot of hard work. It's that we are on autopilot maybe 95% of the time. And so, if you think of another person as being always already occupied consciously with something else than whatever it is that you want them to do, you can start to see how difficult it is to break through that mental clutter. A very simple example in business, uh but a broader scale example than the toothbrush thing, is Domino's Pizza, who figured out the secret to success in business is making it as easy as possible for people to buy things from you.

So, Domino's Pizza says, "We're going to have a Domino's Anywhere campaign where we know what your favorite pizza is, and we know where you live, and we know that by habit most people ordering pizza order the same pizza to the same address." So, they said, "Listen, what if you just text us or tweet us an emoticon of a pizza, and then poof, like magic, pizza shows up at your house." In that year, they earned 12% higher sales in the United States. Number one pizza company, Pizza Hut, declined by 2%.

So, you can imagine what's happening here is not just that it's easier to buy pizza from Domino's than Pizza Hut, but they're actually expanding the market for pizza in a place where it's so saturated, because it's easier to eat pizza than some other kind of food. And then, by 3 years after that, they've overtaken Pizza Hut as the number one pizza company in the entire world. That is such a great example. And it's just one of these things I'm always going to reinforce points when they're being made, but this is something I think about when I'm trying to get my kids to do things, or even when I'm in a selling situation, or even with myself to get myself to make changes, to take the easiest first steps, the path of least resistance.

And the way he said it in the book, I'm like, "My goodness, this is so true." Now, one of the things you say in the book, there's so much. And by the way, the reason I'm only going to cover some of this, guys, is I want you to get the book, right? But things like behavioral economics is discussed in the book. You know, the neuroscience of creating change. So, it's not just like poopy stuff. It's It's poopy stuff and tangible stuff backed up by the scientific evidence of it, which is why the class, I'm sure, is like just so, so important, but important, but important, but to use concepts that people can remember, too.

What's this alligator and judge analogy that you use? Cuz this is like people won't forget it, right? I want to start out We'll go to some complex stuff, but alligator judge uh even a guy like Ed Mylett can remember. So, give us that. Yeah, it helps to give people visual concrete analogies, right? So, that the gator represents our unconscious, intuitive, habitual, emotional system that like I was saying earlier drives 95% of our decisions and our behavior. And the judge represents the conscious, slow, rational, deliberate, effortful system that we think is in charge because it's conscious, and by definition, we just can't perceive the unconscious part.

Mhm. One of the tricky things about the relationship between these two systems, the judge and the gator, is that influence goes one direction almost exclusively Mhm. from the gator to the judge. Mhm. So, when we we have strong preferences, opinions, and feelings about other people, right? Or things we do or don't want to do. And then we easily rationalize rationalize rationalize those preferences. Mhm. But we can't talk ourselves into say, like, what's a Do you have any kind of food that you hate, Ed? Yes. I cannot I cannot eat any type of broccoli whatsoever, which is terrible cuz it's good for you, but I don't like broccoli.

Okay, so you hate broccoli. Is there any kind of rational argument that could influence you to love broccoli? No chance. No chance, right? It's possible you could be influenced in some way to eat broccoli through a rational argument, but you're never going to influence the way you feel Yes. through reason. Yes. Okay, here's how brilliant that is. I actually eat broccoli. We're going to talk about this later in the show, but frankly, it's because of the way it was framed to me, which is something we're going to talk about a little bit later.

I've been talking about framing for years and then you took it to a whole new level. So, the way it was framed to me has compelled me to be willing to take that action. And by the way, I do it in the path of least resistance, even though it's something that I would never tell you that I love doing because it's been framed to benefit me, which we'll talk about a little bit later as we go. So, this is why her work is so awesome. I'm so curious to hear about how that happened.

So, okay, we'll bookmark it. we'll we're going to go there. Now, there's the So, there's the angels in our life our life our life and then there's the people that aren't angels in our lives. This is part of that peace thing. Yeah. And everybody says all the time, "Hey, remove toxic people from your life." But here's the truth, almost nobody ever does it. Almost nobody does it. They just don't. They go, "I'm I'm going to get rid of these toxic people in my life." Yeah, but you don't.

You don't. And I think I don't know if it's a lack of courage or the ability to do it or if people feel like, "Well, then I'm going to be alone and that's worse than this toxic person in my life." life." life." But talk about cuz you're just so profound about this. Is it the the way you say it. What do toxic people do to us? us? us? And then how do we find the strength to do we remove them? Do we keep them at a distance?

Like, what are your thoughts about toxic people stealing that peace I want this year or we all want? Absolutely. I'll just I'll just ask everybody this question. And this question seems a little bit straight up and harsh, but it's the reality. You know, if you're in a situation where your environment sucks, your environment's terrible and I want to be clear Ed, you know what I mean? Sometimes we're the toxic people, you know what I mean? Sometimes we got to look ourselves in the in the mirror and make sure we're not that person and take that responsibility.

But once you understand that and you have the things around your life, you got to ask yourself. Picture everything in your life as soil, right? Your environment is soil. The people that you're around the places you take your life, everything is soil. I believe that each and every one of us were a seed. We're a seed of greatness. We're a seed of of goodness. We're a seed of, you know, a person being legendary. We have all of those qualities in us. I believe God made us that way.

What happens is a lot of us we put our seed in toxic soil. soil. soil. And we wonder why we're not producing the right harvest for our life. Right? We wonder why why we're we're producing weed. We wonder why we're producing things that end up dying. So, I want to ask the person listening to this right now, is what type of soil are you putting your seed in? Because a great seed in bad soil will not produce good fruit. Will not produce a good harvest. And you got to be real with yourself.

Do you want to live the rest of your life unhappy? unhappy? unhappy? Do you want to die unhappy? Do you want to die miserable? Because like you said, that a lot of people are afraid. They're afraid of afraid of They're afraid of confrontation. They're afraid of what people are going to say once they make that decision because we know how it is. People will start to make you feel like you're the bad person no matter what you have done for them. They'll point out all the things you didn't do and not all the things you did do.

Um I think people are also Yeah, they're afraid to be alone. But you have to understand this about the journey. Sometimes it takes being perfectly lonely, cuz I say perfectly, to understand what being perfectly loved feels like. So, it took me in my darkest moments, in my loneliest times to understand God's true love for my life. And once I realized the love that he had for me, once I realized how he created me, it became a lot easier. So, I gained more confidence. I knew my worth.

And I went on this journey of being the greatest me. And one thing about the journey that's true, the journey will always be loyal to giving your life what it needs. So, as I walked down the right path, yeah, it was lonely at first. And as I'm climbing this mountain, I see somebody else that was climbing the mountain in the same direction. I see somebody else as I went a little higher that was climbing the mountain in the right direction. And then you build this tribe of like mindsets.

And so, you know, another illustration just really quick and like Please. It's It's like a I'll just put it like this. My neighbor, like two houses down, we're in Texas, right? We're like in Dallas, it's hot. So, we moved here and my neighbor has like a palm tree. And it was about fall time, so the palm tree it looked good, right? And so, when winter hit, the palm [clears throat] tree was terrible, right? The palm tree was bad. The palm tree withered away, it died, they had to cut the top off, it looked terrible.

And it made me realize this truth. truth. truth. I want people to understand this. When you look at your life, and you look at yourself at yourself at yourself as that palm tree, right? You're beautiful, everybody wants you, you're popular, you're a popular tree, but if you put yourself, right? If you put that palm tree in New York, that palm tree wouldn't ever reach its full potential. That palm tree wouldn't be a palm tree, it would be a ugly tree nobody would buy. But if you put that palm tree in Cali, you put that palm tree in Florida, you put that palm tree in Hawaii, you put that palm tree in Puerto Rico, in the right environments, that palm tree flourishes.

That palm tree looks beautiful. So, with your life, yeah, you're that palm tree, you have all those great qualities, but if you're in the wrong environment, you will never meet the potential that your life has. There are people listening to this right now that are are failing. They're they're bleeding money, and maybe they've just had a business shut down, or the last 2 years has wiped them out a little bit, or they're they're looking right now going, all right, I I'm going to have to make a pivot.

So, you're a guy who had a lot of success building gyms. It was really really going well as I understand it. You go over the next one, you pour all the juice from all the profits into the next one, and you go bust. So, there was a point where this man that I'm talking to you right now, by the way, not that long ago, was busted. You were broke. What did you do when you were on your ass? Were you on your ass mentally ever, or was it just a physical being broke?

And then what did you do to make a move? Cuz there's a lot of people right now right where you were. I just focused on the controllable. So, there was a lot of things that I felt like I could not control or that were circumstantial, etc. And so it was just it's kind of like the simplicity thing of like what are the few levers that I have at my disposal? And at the time I was like, I know how to market and I know how to sell.

And so, that's what I'm going to do. And so, I I I I The the the story is crazy, but um I had a credit card left from all the businesses that I had sold and then lost all the money, but I still had the credit card and Amex, thank god, had not actually changed my credit limit. So, I had a $100,000 credit card. And I wanted to launch Gym Launch, which was like this turnaround business where we'd fly out to gyms. And so, we had six guys that I'd already recruited and I thought this cash was going to be there and it wasn't.

And so, I put $3,300 a day on a credit card and I only had $1,000 in my bank account. And so, every day I was becoming $3,300 poorer. And when we started that, I didn't even have a payment processor because we got shut down. And that was where the extra money was supposed to come from. And so, we were we were doing, you know, I had it was $3,300 a day in hotels, airfare, ad spend, rental car, per diem food for all the sales guys who were out on the road like doing the gym turnarounds.

And I could not process the money that they were sending contracts over from. And so, I'm seeing these contracts stack and stack and stack and I had no way to process it and I'm just watching this debt bill go up. And then um and I got a processor the last week of the month and it was only for 50 grand and we had like $300,000 in contracts and I had $100,000 in expenses. But he was like, "Hey, it's per month, which means on the 1st of next month you can run another 50." And so, I ran 50 on like the 28th of January and then I ran 50 on February 1st.

I got two more that week and got us another 50. So, the two 50s back-to-back covered my 100K from the last month and that was like kind of like the the plane coming under. There's like way more of me about to lose it like and losing it again and again after that, but um like I can go as as deep on that side as you want but want but want but Well, like where were you mentally? I mean were you mentally when that's happening like my dad was right, he's got me or were you like still I'm going to prove him wrong?

Oh, I was so I had made the decision that I would either die um or I would succeed. And so I didn't know when it would happen. I just figured if I continued so I I I so if there's one thing for the audience if anyone who's going through it right now like one of the thing that I would the refrain the repeat repeated message that I had to myself over and over again was was was I cannot lose if I do not quit. And so it was that was under my control.

Then when I talk about like controlling the controllable like I could choose not to quit. And so if I could just have that then it meant that it was like this tiny little thing is like if I don't quit I didn't lose. It just means I still get to play. And when you think about like I think I can't remember if it's Aristotle or Plato but he says like you shouldn't judge a man until the day he dies. he dies. he dies. And so you know he even amazing life and then the last five years like everything goes and you get executed publicly like what would people say you had a good life or bad life?

Like you can only judge after the man is dead. And so I also think about that within my own life now like when you think about like what's the leverage for the next chapter it's like well I'm not dead yet. And so I got to keep going cuz that's what you know that's what we're going to look back on. And so I had this little thing that I could protect which is my willpower. And it's just like if I do not quit I cannot lose. And so I was so afraid of losing that just not quitting became the one thing.

And so if I just kept moving one foot at another one phone call after another one sales appointment after another I knew that if I did that long enough eventually it would turn around and I could could could myself out of the situation. Wow. I I'm blown away because I have equated only losing with quitting all of my life. And the reason for that is I just want to share cuz we're going back and forth. Well my dad my dad was an alcoholic when he got sober.

I said dad are you never going to drink again? He goes I can't promise you that. I'm just not quit for one more day. All right, I'm not going to drink for one more day. And many, many times in my business I'm like, I can't I don't I am incapable mentally right now of saying I'm never going to quit. That's a like 80-year decision based on a bunch of crap right now, but I can decide not to quit for one more day. And that means I have not yet lost.

I literally equated quitting with losing. And so no matter how behind in the score I was, I had not officially lost the game. The clock has not run out until I go, I quit. And so I was still in the game. So this this concept I just I love when someone says stuff and I put it through my life barometer. My meter. I'm like, nope, I did that. You're exactly right. I know someone who did that. You're exactly right. What a great answer. answer. answer. So I get asked all the time, "How in the world did you go from having no running water in your apartment to living on the water, to living ocean front, to have another home that's lake front?" How does somebody go from changing their conditions that dramatically in a pretty short window of time?

And a lot of different things went into that. A lot of it was blessing, a lot of it was a lot of hard work, all kinds of mental changes that I made, but there's one area that I've not talked a lot about that I want to cover today that I think you need to know if you want to change the conditions of your life that way as well. So when the water got turned off, you know what I had to do? I had to look around my life.

I really had to take an inventory, not just of me, but what was around my life. And the fact of the matter was I did not have the right people in my life. I didn't have the people who believed in me. I didn't have the people who supported my vision. I didn't have people who made me want to be better in my life. I had a few, but I didn't have enough. I had too many people in my life that have just always been in my life.

They always accepted me for who I was. And that acceptance, that lack of belief in me, that lack of standard, got me all the way to where I couldn't even pay a water bill. I didn't even have a car. Never mind electricity for a while. And so it's very dangerous. It was very dangerous for me, for who I allowed just to support my limiting thinking, who I had around me. They weren't bad people. There's very few bad people. They just weren't people who were going to get me going in my life where I knew I needed to go, where I was born to go.

I had read all the books on personal development. I learned about influence, kind of learned how to change my state, how to think differently. Been to a lot of the events that you go to. Why is it that so many people go to all these self-improvement, personal development, business events? They get all excited when they're there. They're ready to conquer the world. Then they get back home and life very slowly starts to drift back to normal. And that's because environment overrides almost everything in our lives.

That's why it's so The reason you're so excited when you're at the event, the reason you're ready to conquer the world is the environment supports what you're doing. And so, I had to start to address my environment. And environment is all the place you are, but most importantly, your environment is the people that are around you. Because write this down, number one, in our lives, the most powerful force that I'm aware of in the world is to be consistent and congruent with the expectations of our peer group.

Let me say that to you again. The most powerful force on Earth is we become consistent with the expectations of our peer group. You're going to get out of life what the people around you expect of you. And so, I had to begin to address who were the people around me and specifically, what was the environment that I was in? Because number two, proximity is power. The closer somebody is to you, the more influence they have over you. That's why your personal relationship that you're in is something that must be evaluated at all given times.

And people ask me, "How do I get more spouse support or partner support, boyfriend or girlfriend support?" I don't know that you're always going to get more support and I don't even know if that's needed. But one thing that's a foundation of all relationships is does this person believe in me? Most people love us. That's one thing. If we're in a relationship, we kind of feel a level of love. But the deeper question is, do they truly believe in me? And when I started to evaluate my friends that were around me, if I asked myself, were they supporting where I wanted to go in my life?

Not that they didn't love me or like me. In fact, what most of us do is we love to have people around us who accept us. We say, "I want people to accept me as I am." And there's a benefit to that. There's a huge negative as well. If people are constantly accepting this version of you, you, you, there's there's there's there's nothing compelling you to go to the next version. There's no stimulus that says I better change. There's no discomfort because these people closest to us, their proximity has influence over us.

So, number one thing I want you to ask yourself is do the people around me believe in me? And if they don't, that needs to be evaluated. People say, "Well, then what do I do? Do I get rid of them?" Well, maybe in some case. I mean, if they're antagonistic to you, certainly. But what you have to do is begin to add people in your proximity who do believe in you or who will believe in you. And if they don't believe in you, perhaps they don't need to be eliminated from your life, but one thing you may need to do is start to reduce their proximity to you.

Maybe they're not as close to you as they used to be. I've had to do that many times in my life where I've had to eliminate a few people from my life, but very few. This is so critical to you becoming successful because your environmental game is more important even than your mental game because it's what supports it. And so, I want you to evaluate a few things. Do they believe in me? Number two, are they a past or future reference type friend? In other words, when you're around them, what do you find yourself talking the most about?

Is it the past or the future? I want to be around people who are constantly talking about either the present, but most importantly, the future. In other words, I want people who are present with me so that when they're with me, we're together. You know you have those friends who are constantly not present even though they're in your presence. We don't want that, either. that, either. that, either. But if people are constantly taking me in the past frame of reference, old stories, old things, remember when, high school, college, previous date, previous vacation, previous business, remember when, constantly, you know, they're just always reminiscing.

always reminiscing. always reminiscing. Or are they projecting me into the future? If at least 75% of your conversations aren't about the future with the people that you're around, these are not people supporting your future, they're supporting your past. They're reinforcing your past. The more we talk about something, the more we reinforce its importance in our life. And so, this is a very subtle thing. And I think even as I say it, you're going, "Whoa. "Whoa. "Whoa. They do love me. I think they might believe in me, but man, we talk about the past all the time." Well, this is somebody who's going to reinforce that state of your life.

You need to add people to your proximity who are discussing the future with you. You know, you've heard about triggers before where you can learn a personal development that you know, you snap your fingers, you put yourself in a state, or you walk, you hear a song, it's a trigger, isn't it? You hear a song from some point in your life, it triggers a memory. Or a song you love right now that triggers you wanting to work out or move your body. So, things are triggers.

People are also triggers. And if there are people in your life, just by their proximity, trigger events that are prior in your life that didn't serve you. Just by being around them, they're they're a trigger. Humans are triggers. Do you have people that just when you see them, they trigger peace for you? They trigger joy. They trigger abundance. They trigger competing. They trigger intensity. They trigger belief. They trigger confidence. They trigger your desire to grow. Ask yourself what triggers these people are in your life. What do they trigger in you?

And you begin to You begin to start to look at these things, you're going, "Wow. Well, I have this group of friends who they accept me, but I don't know if they believe in me. Then I've got this other group of friends where they believe in me, but we're always talking about the past. And then, you know what? They kind of trigger these states of sort of comfort or average in me. Who do I have that's triggering my desire to grow? Who makes me uncomfortable? Who do I have like I kind of clean up the house before they come over?

Who do I have where I get excited when I see them because not every conversation's the same. I don't know where it's going to go. You should have those people that accept you in your life. There's nothing wrong with that. It's an important thing. But you said these other people who really don't accept this version of you. They believe in you so greatly, so much that they don't accept this version of you. They don't accept this performance from you. They don't accept this level of happiness, abundance, joy, performance from you because they know how much more you're capable of.

Who do you have like that in your life? And the reason that that matters so deeply for us is because and I want you to write this down, we get our standards in life. We don't always get our goals. We don't always even get what we focus on. We end up ultimately getting what our standards are. Standards dictate everything in life and the people around us help create that standard. For example, I was at a birthday party last night and the people sitting around me were all very fit people and dessert came.

It was birthday cake time. time. time. And I probably normally would have probably had that piece of cake, but the first three people that were asked have this standard for how they eat in their life and when their cheat days are, their cheat meals are and all three people passed on it and immediately, almost through peer pressure, I went, "No, I'll pass, too." And then my buddy goes, "Dude, it's okay. Have a piece." I said, "No, no, no, man, it's good." That standard alters us in every little area.

Now, that's an obvious example, but we're going to get our standards, our standards of wealth, our standards of faith, our standards of abundance and the people in our proximity help set the standard based on what theirs are in their life. So, the people around you, evaluate next, what are the standards they help you set in your life? The other thing we win with is energy. And so, ask yourself this, is this person in my life an energy giver or an energy drainer? This is massive. So, when you're talking to them, do they feed you energy?

You know, there's that one number where it shows up on your phone and you're like, "Oh." Uh, right? You know that conversation, that text is going to be an energy drain. drain. drain. This person's proximity to your life is stealing some things from you. I'm not saying you shouldn't have people in your life who you're supporting and you're helping because we're going to talk about that next. But if the vast majority of people around you are energy neutral or energy drainers, what do you think that's doing to your environment that you're supporting yourself with?

Okay? Or, on the contrary, is this someone who gives you energy, feeds your energy, feeds your belief, makes you stronger, gives you that juice in your life? Because all of these things, these people around us, all these evaluations, they're creating our environment so that it'll support our thinking, it'll support the changes we're making, it'll support our goals. This is supported by scripture as well. Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so does one person sharpen another." And so, one of the obvious questions about this is, if someone is lower energy for me or is a past reference person or a trigger that doesn't support me or they don't believe in me or they only accept me as I am.

If you have some of these issues, what do you do with them? I'll give you three things. I don't need you to eliminate people from your lives. It's not that hardcore a thing, because this is more about adding the right people that it is eliminating people, but it is reducing their proximity. And so, I think with people in your life that aren't supporting you the way you want to, I number one, I would recommend you be kind to them. Be kind in your conversations with them.

You don't have to become mean to them or adversarial to them. And I don't even think you need to let them know this. Number two, I think you need to be cordial. But I will tell you that you begin to become three, which is concise. Your dialogue with them begins to be concise. Their proximity to you begins to shrink. And these are things people say, "Gosh, that's so difficult." Well, do you want to be happier? Do you want to win? I mean, you've already tried the other things, right?

You've already started to write goals down. You're already working on yourself. You've already got some habits that you're working on. Maybe this is the area. Perhaps this is the area. Those of you that have children, this is an audio or video they should be watching or listening to. Their school teachers influence them. That's their mentors. That's like what we're doing right now, right? But who really has influence over your children? Who really sculpts who they are? It's their friends and it's their closest friends. That's why parents guard those associations so vigilantly, the good parents do, because they know the proximity of these kids around their children are going to influence ultimately who they become.

Our lives begin to have a a pace of that's different than when we're young, but the same exact thing is true for us. These people closest to us dictate who we become. It's not our mentors like our school teachers. They have some influence. influence. influence. I have influence, hopefully with you, but not the same as the people that you're texting with when you're done listening to this. Not the same as who you're having dinner with tonight. Not the same as who you have lunch, who you're around at work, who you're around in the evening, who you socialize with, right?

They have the greatest form of influence over you, cuz in your life, you're trying to build this library of memories, aren't you? And in your mind right now, these memories are going to be different. They're different places, different experiences, different things, right? Different moments, different achievements, different breakthroughs, different feelings. different feelings. different feelings. With the same people? With the same people. With the same people you were likely to build the same types of memories over and over again. So, if you love your life right now, if everything in your life is rich, and you don't want it to change, and you don't want it to grow, and you'd like to keep repeating these memories you're getting now, well, then by all means keep these people very close to you.

And add people as you go. But if there's this part of this I want to change the memories. I don't want the next 10 years of my life, the feelings, the experiences, the accomplishments, the places I see, moments I have. So, all I'm asking you to do today is do an audit on your environment. I want you to audit the people around you in your environment, and the things around you in your environment. What do you have around you in your environment? Are your goals up on a board?

Do you have visualizations? Are you reading things that you can see visually in your life? Are you listening to the right things? These are all part of your environment, but the most important thing are the people that are inside that environment that are around you. And so, that's how you eliminate. Now, adding people to your life, the best way to do that is to seek out, go to places where they are. So, I mean, where do they have lunch? Where do they have coffee? Where do they work out?

Where do they worship? Go to the places where these people that you think could help you to become good friends and just become a part of that environment. And the more you're in the environment, you'll end up meeting people. It's a strategy. It's work to add people to your life. I could tell you that I work very hard at this. I also believe in the law of reciprocity. You don't just ask somebody to be your friend. You find a way that you can contribute. You want to become a friend of mine, say, "How can I help you?

How can I serve you?" Just offer whatever you have. You say, "Well, I don't have anything to offer people." You'd be surprised. Could you offer me your belief in me? Could you offer me your truth? Could you offer me your prayers? Could you offer me your support? These are real gifts you give people. Not all of them need to be knowledge and breakthroughs and an example and a track record. You'd be surprised. Someone like myself, what just your belief means to me, your support means to me.

And I'm the type of person the people you want in your life. When I feel like you've given me something, I feel obligated, obligated to pay you back even more. And so, the way you add people to your life is with the law of reciprocity. Put yourself in environments where they are and begin to offer your belief, your kindness, your support, your love. Maybe it is your collaborations. Maybe it is your connections. Maybe it is a talent or skill you have, but it doesn't have to be those things.

When I was a young person, I ended up adding people to my life that were much more successful than me, much more well-known than me. But you know what? As I got to know them, I think they sensed, "This person truly believes in me. They truly care about me. This is a real friend." You have those people in your life as well, where they don't necessarily have the the the all the experience to support you, but they really believe in you. They really love you. And then the last thing I want to ask you today is, because for you to add these people to your life, what I just said is the most important thing.

How do you show up in people's lives? Right now, are you that person that's an energy giver or drainer? Are you a future frame of reference or the past? Do you help your friends set high standards or the acceptable standards they already have? Right? Are you someone who deeply believes in people and they know it? Or are you just kind of accept them as they are? These are the things you begin to ask yourself, how are you showing up in other people's lives because that'll have an awful lot to do with who shows up in your life.

How do you show up in other people's lives? And if you begin to evaluate these things, your environment slowly but surely will begin to support your mental game will be supported by your environmental game. And why is that so important? Because I want to remind you about something. You were born to do something great with your life. You were put here to do something special. All your life, when you were a little boy or a little girl, there was some point in your life where you knew you were supposed to do something great, that you were put here for a reason, that you've got a calling, that you've got a home in your life you're eventually going to find where you're living the real, true, authentic version of you, your best version.

You know you're supposed to do something great with your life. And right now, if you're listening to this or you're watching this, maybe you're not quite there yet. And maybe it's your thinking, maybe it's some tactics and strategies and habits, which I cover all the time on this show. Maybe it's all the mental stuff, but more than likely it's the environmental stuff. It's the standards. It's the people around you that believe in you. It's not just having people that accept you cuz you want to do something so great with your life.

I have this theory that many of you have heard that when I die someday, I believe I want the Lord to say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." But I have this hallucination, as many of you know, that when I die, the Lord's going to do that and he's going to turn around and say, "Eddie, I want you to meet the man I made you to be. When I made you in my image and likeness, this is the destiny version of you. This is the man you were born to be." And that guy's going to be standing there, and I want to meet him and go, "I've been chasing you all my life, man." And he's going to say, "Boy, you caught me.

You did it. I'm proud of you. You had all the memories, all the moments, all the contribution, all the feelings, all the difference, all of it in your life. You made it all happen. You became the man you were born to be. We're identical twins. To me, that's heaven when I pass away. Heaven is I meet the man I was born to be and we're identical twins. Hell would be that you'd meet that person and you're total strangers. You're total strangers. That woman someday when you die and you meet the woman you could have been and you're total strangers.

You went down different paths, different roads, different decisions your entire life and you never become that woman. You never become that man. To me that's hell. So, if it's that important to you that you've always known and maybe it got buried as you got older. Maybe life sort of kicked us around a little bit to where not everyone in our life believed it and then maybe our parents, our friends, our school teachers, just life started to happen and we forget who we are. We forget who we are and you know why you forget who you are?

Because of the people that have been in your damn life. Because they haven't supported that great version of you. When you were really little you knew it. You felt it because you were closer to God at that time and the more and more people were added to your life, they began to treat you in such a way that they didn't expect those things of you and maybe you started to accept that. So, if it's people that created these limiting beliefs, created this anxiety, created this fear, created this thing about us where we forget our greatness.

If it's people who did this to us, it's people who are going to help us get out of it. If it's the environment that stole this joy, stole this belief, stole this confidence from us, stole this sense of purpose from us and passion, it's the environment that'll give it back to us again. And we put the people in our lives that we deserve to have, not just that have always been there. What is it about most of us that makes us think we're not worthy of being successful?

Cuz it ties into this, right? I mean, if we can unpack that, I'm going to go do this. If I don't unpack that, maybe I don't. I I've been struck all my life by people that just that just that just Like I I In my case, I'm critical of myself, I'm hard on myself, but I've never had this belief like I don't deserve to win. I I mean, I thought I could. Right. I don't know how I'm going to, but I've not had it so all the way back there.

I'm like, I just don't deserve to win. I I I or someone like me can't win. I've not ever had that. I've had all the other stuff. But what is it Wow, that's a that's such a good As you say that, I've never felt that either. I always felt the cards might be stacked against me. This one's going to be rough. Not sure I can get through it. Me too. I've I've had sleepless nights, a lot of them. I've gone I've gone 6 months with sleeping 2 3 hours a night cuz I was stressed and then you know, my wake up and my brain's thinking thinking thinking.

I like to share that with people cuz I think when they see success, they think man, that was just probably a harmonious ride for you, right? I went through a divorce in the middle of it. Like I've been through a lot of the things on the opposite side, right? right? right? But you've also worked with millions of people and you know that a lot of them suffer from this. do, but you just said that I've never felt that I didn't deserve it. Mhm. And and I would say it's I think it's society.

And especially we live in a society right now where you when you're successful, there's a lot of people that look at it as a negative, right? So we almost have this negative association to sales. We have a negative association to success. Mhm. But I always Here's the last thing I'll say about it. I always I said this one time on stage randomly and the the audience went nuts, but I just said when it comes to money and success, it's like you're at a therapist. Money's on one chair, you're on the other.

Therapist is in the middle and you go, I I hate that money. If I get that money, I I might change. I might be a horrible person. And then in the other part, you're like, but I need that money so I can have freedom and take care of my family and I need control and I don't want to work in this horrible job anymore. Could you imagine a therapist saying, well, we got to get this straight. Do you hate money in that chair or do you love money?

I'm I'm really unsure and I think that's the conflict. I think the conflict is we think think think I think money and alcohol just expose and compound who you are. You're a jerk sober, you're a real jerk drunk, right? You're violent sober, you're very violent, right? Same with same with money. And I think I think if you're listening to Ed Mylett, you have to realize that money [clears throat] is a byproduct of service and what money can do is Listen, when people say to me money doesn't buy happiness, I say you haven't given enough away.

So true. When I was on your stage, I was compelled. I was compelled by you. I I watched your emotions behind camera when you were talking about the families in Texas. I was compelled. Do you know how great you're thanking me? What Like you're thanking me for something that filled my heart. You know how great You know what $50,000 was to me at 18? I thought if I could make that a year, I'd be the richest man alive. And to be able to sit on stage and say, "Hey, Ed, let's Let me give you another 50 grand." But at the same time, I built two schools in Africa.

I fed 7 million people, right? people, right? people, right? I've I donated $600,000 last year to Operation Underground Railroad. Mhm. How blessed are we that we get to do those things, right? So, I don't know You know, earlier I said, you know, Tony, I like when he says get leverage. I said, "Get in the right mindset." If If you feel feel feel that being successful that you don't deserve it or that money is bad, I'm going to tell you to dig into that. Find out where that is.

Ask yourself One of the simplest ways I always do is ask yourself why seven times. Why Why do I think I don't deserve it? Uh I'm not that smart. Well, why do I think not being smart has anything to do with being successful? being successful? being successful? And just keep asking why over and over again, and you'll get to a point where you'll start getting emotional and be like, "Everything I just shared is Really, really good cuz it's a story we You're the best at talking about the story we tell ourselves.

Let's stay on this just for a second because I feel like all of this is tied together in order to participate in the challenge. And also, every week I want people on here to change their life every single week. It's why I do the show. You know, like I said, there's only been two humans come back here three times, you and Dr. Joe Dispenza. And because I just [snorts] think that you you work on this story thing so well with people. So, I have this new show, as you know, coming out.

I can't say a lot about it, but it's I It's a show where I intervene in people's lives. It'll be out the end of August, beginning of September. And one of the ladies on the show had gained a bunch of weight, like 180 lb. And uh and then had lost like 90 of it, gained it back, and did that a couple times. times. times. And in the middle of it, I said, "Let me Why do you have all this weight on your body?" And I said, "There's two things." I said, "One, you have the identity" She She the identity of a heavy person who happened to have lost weight.

Oh. And in that case, she's going to get back to that identity. So, she was a heavy person who lost weight. I said, I won't say her name, but I said, we have to adopt that you're a healthy, beautiful, vibrant woman who's gained weight. Yeah, what a great story. this identity, switch that narrative two, I think you have to do the thermostat, right? The same thing. You You shifted her thermostat. Shifting this story. And then later, I said, "Listen, we don't do anything in our life that there's not some benefit for it, even if the majority of it is detrimental." So, this story you're all telling yourself, those of you that suffer from that you don't deserve it, you're doing that for a reason that you get something for doing it.

And in her case, she said, "I think I hide in my weight." That as I start to lose the weight, maybe people are going to see other things in me that I don't think Wow. Wow. Wow. handle. And it was really this very emotional breakthrough. I want people to watch the show, so I'm not going to get into There's There's 10 of them, but what about that? That this story we tell ourselves, Dean, even though it may not serve us, there's some service in it that we can hide in it.

Yeah. That it masks other things in our lives. And I think for everyone listening to this right now, this could be the breakthrough moment of your life as we just talk about this concept. This thing you keep telling you about you that holds you back from jumping into a challenge, holds you back from starting a business, holds you back from getting into that relationship or getting fit like you know you should or asking yourself the right questions, you're getting something from it, even if massive it may most of it's negative for you.

How does one, just in general, start to change the story they tell themselves about their life? Cuz you're the master of this. Yeah, well, you know, and and I know if you're if you're listening to Ed Mylett, you've heard this before, you've other people talk about it, but I think it's Maybe this is the first time you get to really feel it or maybe this silly version that I'm going to give you sticks with you. And if this is why you're here today, this is why you're here.

Here's the way I look at it. We need pain sometimes to disconnect from a story. You know, somebody asked me about success once, and I would love to say I was always aspirational. I wanted more. I didn't want to be like my dad and struggle and be like my mom who worked three jobs to make 90 bucks a night. I had this vision of something bigger and better and and being in control of my life. And all those things sound good at this phase. Sometimes you got to go to the dark side.

I just didn't want to be them. My father was miserable and fought with everyone and he'd be in love for 6 months and be divorced within three and always mad. And sometimes you got to give your permission give yourself permission. When I went in my toughest thing when I needed the extra boost the the turbo boost to get off the ground, I'm like, you're going to end up like your dad. You're going to end up broke. You're going to end up alone. You're going to end up not in control of your life.

Someone else going to tell you how to raise your kids and how to dress and when to go to work. I would I would push myself. So sometimes you got to go to the dark side to get the momentum. And I'm I'm telling you to use that to shift your story. Right? So so I'm you know, Tony always says to get the rocket off the ground, all the energy is in the first couple of feet. And then once it gets in space, you hit the button you're 1,000 miles an hour, right?

right? right? Do whatever it takes to get the rocket off the ground if to start the new business to say I'm worthy to shift the story. If it's pain that'll drive you, then use the pain cuz half of us run away from pain. Half of us run towards pleasure. We know that. You you use the one that you're custom to and and amplify it, right? So amplify the pain. Most people Joe Dispenza would probably tell you not to do that and I love that guy and I'm glad you had him three times.

But I needed that. Secondly, Secondly, Secondly, you know the story if you think back, I could have made it but or I would do it or or or that's how you find this the number one thing. thing. thing. I'm I'm you know, I don't have the money. I don't have the time. My family thinks I'm nuts. I I could never do something like this. I'm an introvert. I don't have a following. I don't know what that is. But here's the way I look at it. at it.

at it. If you spend enough time today, and this is my quick hack on stories. If you spend enough time today, you can find the one thing. There's lots of them, but you can find the one that's probably held you back the most. So, the two things I would say is Good. Good. Good. go look at what it's already cost you. Again, this is personal development 101. I don't want to act like I made this up, but I want to remind you today. We all need reminder services.

This story, this thing, this too young, too old, not money, it's already cost you pain. You already missed opportunities. You already let the ship go down the track and the train go down the tracks. You didn't start the business. You didn't go for the relationship. You didn't fix that thing, and it's already cost you a lot. So, what I say, here's a cool way to look at it. It'd be like two armies. Mhm. You already know the story that will come up when you decide to go all in.

When you say, you know, I don't care about I'm going I'm starting the business. I'm scaling the business. I'm not going to You already know the army that's coming. You already know the story that's going to go uh uh uh at little Eddie. You know, come on, Ed. You know, you know where you came You know what your house looked like when you were little. You know you weren't that good in school. You know you cheated in ninth grade. You know you cheated your way through I'm making this up, man.

I'm just saying. just saying. just saying. Biology. Biology. Biology. Accounting. Accounting. Accounting. So, if you use the dark or the light, whatever you need to get the engine going. If you identify the story that's already cost you, and you really think about it, it becomes painful. But, here's the thing. As you think about this next thing you want to do, you want to thrive in a shifting economy. If that story's coming, it's like you're going to war, but the the scout went out, and you know that the other army is 2 days away.

You know what kind of guns they have. You know what kind of horses you have. You already know Here's the thing. You already know your enemy. Yeah. So, if you're not preparing and fortifying and creating the things that block the enemy, then you're kind of inviting the story back so you could be, you know, how many Uber drivers have you had I haven't been in Uber in a while, but before COVID when you're in Uber, how many Uber drivers did you say, "Oh, man, I was I was on my way, Dean.

I see I love your books and '07 when the market shifted, I lost my business and I just said the hell with it." You know how many of those stories I've heard? Me, too. Me, too. Me, too. What they've done is they let that army come in, that story come in, because at least they have something. And what I want to tell you is if you really want more, you know your enemy. The number one enemy is that story that held you back. You can fortify the gates, you can decide to turn that story around, and you cannot let it in.

Welcome back to Max Out, everybody. I'm Ed Mylett, and today I'm extremely excited to share these thoughts with you, because I think what we're going to cover today may be the single most important thing that will lead to you reaching the ultimate version of yourself, your optimal results, your max out level of play, or not ever getting there. And so, it's that important to me. You know, people ask me often, "What were some of the decisions and choices and areas I focused on that made the biggest difference for me in my life?" And today's topic is the thing that I would probably give you the gift of first.

first. first. And that is the power of your identity. See, I believe the most powerful force in the world is to be consistent with the thoughts, ideas, concepts, and beliefs you hold to be true about yourself. yourself. yourself. And that is what identity is. Identity is the governor on every single area of your life. It literally sets the temperature for all of the conditions of your life. Shakespeare has this incredible quote that says, "We know what we are, but not what we may be." And the who you may be is going to be dictated by your ability to alter your identity.

Because you are going to always be consistent with what you believe your worth and what you believe you deserve, or what is your identity. Your identity, the best analogy I could give you is like a thermostat sitting on the wall of your life. It sets the entire temperature for the conditions of your life in multiple areas. And so, most people think their life is dictated by external circumstances. They spend their entire life trying to control what is outside of them. You've all heard the great saying that people in 12-step programs talk about about learning to control the things they can and letting go of the things that they can't control.

And the fact of the matter is you cannot always control the external factors that are impacting you in your life. The good news is it's the external things in your life that do not dictate the direction or the ultimate destination of your life. That is a fallacy. Listen to me when I tell you this, external circumstances do not dictate the ultimate destination of your life. It's an internal game. You and your faith, your God, are what will control the direction of your life, not the external things that are impacting you all the time.

And this identity is that internal thermostat. It sets the temperature, just like a thermostat sitting on the wall, of the conditions of your entire life. Let me give an example of how the thermostat of our lives works. The best analogy I can give you is exactly how one works in the room I'm sitting in. It sets the temperature of the room. And so the external conditions don't impact the internal temperature of this room because that thermostat regulates the condition of the room. So if we open the door and the windows in this room and cold air blew in here, the thermostat would kick on, wouldn't it, and heat the room back up to 75°.

So no matter what hit it, it regulates the temperature of the room. The reverse is also true. If a bunch of hot air blew in the room, if we open the doors and the windows, the thermostat would cool the room back down and regulate it to 75°. Guess what? That's exactly how your life works. Once you accept this truth, it is a fact that it's not the external things that are happening, it's the internal thermostat. Too often in life, people don't work on changing their identity.

They're always working on producing external results. Have you ever known somebody who was wealthy and no longer is? is? is? Have you ever known somebody who made a bunch of money and no longer does? How about somebody who was in a great relationship and that relationship no longer exists? How about someone who got in great shape that is no longer in that shape again? If your results begin to exceed your internal thermostat, you will find a way to cool your life back down to what you believe you're worth and you're comfortable at your identity.

You'll think it's coincidental. Oh, I was this accident happened or this appointment canceled or this circumstance took place. It's not coincidence. All of those things have happened because you set the thermostat of your life and you've regulated what you're going to get. Isn't that incredible that you could learn all the talents, the behaviors, the skills, the tactics, all the strategies that I teach you, but if you don't alter that thermostat internally, you could have all of the skills of a 100° producer and you will live a 75° existence because you will turn the air conditioner of your life on back down to cool it where you're comfortable.

It's also true by the way. the way. the way. You've seen this in your own life. Maybe you've had something really good going in business before. You've got momentum. It seems like things are happening great and then you wake up four, five, six months later and you've cooled your life, your business right back down to where it was before. Maybe you'd saved some money at one time and then coincidentally your car broke down or a bill happened or there was a run of birthday parties and all of a sudden that bank account's back to where it always was.

It's not coincidental. You've cooled the conditions back down again. And so you've seen this happen. Maybe you gotten great shape at one point, but your identity wasn't that fit a person and you've cooled it back down to about what you're comfortable being. This is true in your faith and your relationships. By the way, you have multiple thermostat settings. You have one in your faith. You have one in your fitness, one in your money, one in your happiness, right? One in your business life. So there's multiple identities we have.

have. have. The reverse is also true. There's been times in your life where the circumstances, the conditions were terrible. You thought you'd never get out of it. You're never going to eat again. Well, guess what? You ate again, didn't you? And you heated your life back up to that same place again. So you've proven this over and over in your life, haven't you? So have I. So has every single human being. The governor on our life, the regulator of our life is our identity, which is the internal thermostat that sets the temperature for our life.

So, the key in life is to learn all the thoughts, the skills, the tactics, and the strategies that can heat our life up in the areas that matter most to us. But, if we don't simultaneously simultaneously simultaneously change the conditions of our thermostat, change what we're comfortable living at, change our identity, our worth, change the thoughts, beliefs, concepts, and value we hold to ourself, we will cool or heat our life back to that regulated temperature. And so, I'm telling you the overall key to changing the external conditions of your life is changing that internal thermostat setting.

So, that's what we're going to talk about some strategies on today. Just being aware that you need to alter the thermostat the thermostat the thermostat is a life-changing, liberating condition. I cover this in very specific detail in #MaxOutYourLife, my book. It's a quick read, 100 pages. I wrote it so that every page has strategies on it, no fluff. If you want the book, go to maxoutbook.com. maxoutbook.com. maxoutbook.com. If you put in the code max out, I'll buy the book for you. So, I cover this in detail there, but I want to cover it in detail right now with you as well.

What you need to be doing is becoming aware of how important it is that you adjust this thermostat setting as you produce better results, as you start to learn new skills and strategies and tactics. See, you can move from an average business into an extraordinary business with incredible opportunity, but you will produce the same results you're getting in the average business if you don't change that thermostat setting up to 95 or 100 or 120 degrees of what you believe you're worth, the thoughts, concepts, and beliefs you hold true to be about yourself.

So, it is the regulator on our lives, and it's the main thing I work on with my private coaching, with some of the elite performers I work with in business and athletics, and entertainment, and politics is me working with them on changing that internal thermostat where we can heat it higher and higher and higher so that they can produce the results and the conditions of their life stay and exceed those levels all the time. In fact, in my own life, I'm always working on my self-confidence.

I'm working on my tactics and strategies, my ability to influence, right? My thoughts, all of those different things. But the thing I'm most obsessed about that I know is going to get me to the ultimate version of me is constantly elevating the temperature in the areas that matter to me, adjusting that thermostat setting higher and higher and higher and higher so that I can get those conditions to match it cuz it always will. You will always get your thermostat setting, always in your life. So, can I give you any insights as to how to change that thermostat setting?

I can. Let me give you a couple. The most powerful way and the easiest way to change your thermostat setting is by adding people to your circle, very close proximity, that live at a higher temperature in that area than you do. For example, in your faith, let's just say, you're a 75-degreeer in your faith. You've already seen this. You can't possibly begin to regularly associate with good, godly people who pray regularly, who try to live righteously, and they're 110, 120 degrees of of faith in their life and not have that proximity heat you up.

Now, you won't get to where they are, you'll get to somewhere between where you are at 75 degrees and they are at 110. Over time, you become a 100-degreeer and you alter the thermostat setting through association. Same in business. If you and I were to hang around each other every single day, and let's say you were a 75-degreeer in business, hypothetically, and I don't know that about you, but let's just say you were, and I was a 150-degreeer, and we hung around each other all the time, don't you think through that association, especially if you had two or three or four people like me in your life, that just over time, you don't even feel it, you're at 80, you're at 85, you're at 90, you're at 95, and that's where you are.

We understand the power of this with our children because we know at school the teachers have influence over them, they're mentors, but the people that really have influence over our children are their friends because they're around them all the time. And so, we know what sets their temperature. This is true in in fitness. If you're 75° fitness and every meal, every day at the gym, all your associations, hypothetically speaking, were with someone who was shredded and fit the way you wanted to look at 150°, you know over time you get heated up.

And so you can't be with someone every day, you can't be with them all the time, but the key is to get more proximity in the areas that matter with people whose thermostat setting is higher than yours. I am a product. You are listening to me right now because I've been so obsessed with this concept of adding new associations to my life that live in the areas that I want to improve in at higher temperatures than me. It's my obsession to this day. I'll give you a secret.

One of the reasons I even do my show is I know that I'm influencing many of these guests in the areas that matter most to them through our proximity and in some cases they do it for me. And so I'm obsessed with the power of association, but I don't just associate. See, associate. See, associate. See, all personal says, "Yeah, you're the five people you hang around." Kind of. You really are the five to 10 people you hang around if you're conscious all the time of studying them, of observing them, of asking questions, of the fact that you should be altering your thermostat setting.

That's when it really moves. It's not just hanging around, it's consciously and intentionally spending time with people where you allow it to impact you, where you study them, where you really observe them, where you're open to their influence. There has to be a level of trust before you can do that, where you surrender yourself to them, but it's not just being around them. It's intentionally being around people that alters that thermostat setting. So power of association is the main way to do it. Second way to alter your identity is in a short window of time behave completely differently.

completely differently. completely differently. In a 30-day window of time in your fitness life, you shock your system into eating or training completely differently than you used to. Or in your business life, you make a hundred times more phone calls, a hundred more contacts. You do something in a very short window of time that shocks you into believing, "My gosh, I can never go back where I was before." You trick your brain brain brain into believing you're different. There's this part of our brain that always wants to be consistent with what we're worth.

Well, if in a short window of time I begin to behave completely differently, your brain begins to believe you deserve something differently. When you begin to do the things nobody else is willing to do, you begin to believe you will deserve the results nobody else deserves to get. This is important also cuz it changes the water line. It's almost like a water line in the pool. If you raise it, it leaves a new mark. Have you ever seen that before it in a lake or a pool where you raise the water line a short window of time and it just changes the mark in your life.

It changes the thermostat setting. So, you can alter things in your life in short bursts, and I do this often. In an area where I really need to change, like right now, I just started back on a really seriously, deeply committed fitness journey. I want to get back and past where I've ever been in fitness in my life. So, I'm going to add some of these new associations. I'm going to train with a new group of people cuz I've been training alone. I'm going back to training with some people that are fitter than me, men and women that are fitter than me.

That's my first combination that'll alter my thermostat setting, our proximity. And secondly, I'm going psycho the next 30 days. I'm going psycho. I'm I'm altering my nutrition and my diet dramatically, my workouts dramatically, and I'm going to shock my system in the next 30 days into changing the water line, changing that temperature setting. That's the second way you alter identity, alter the thermostat setting, so that you alter the external results. I've said this to you before as well. See, beliefs are so important to guard because once you have a belief, your brain goes to work.

I've said this in another audio video where your brain has to go to work to prove your beliefs to be true. Your brain literally goes to work on finding the evidence to prove you right. And so, that identity, you're constantly reinforcing it. Let me give you an example of what I mean. If you believe a certain worth about yourself, a certain identity, that impacts the type of action you're willing to take. So, if there's a goal you've got set, it doesn't matter what it is, pick a goal.

To the extent that you believe it's consistent with your identity is to the extent that you will make an effort towards it. towards it. towards it. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, however, because what happens is if your identity is here and the goal is there, you will only make an effort congruent with what you believe you're worth. And so, that limited effort you make produces the result not consistent, and it reinforces the belief. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, you set a goal that is inconsistent with an identity you're working on, you will only make an effort consistent with the identity, which will get you to here, doesn't produce the result, and it reinforces this belief you have about yourself.

So, it's important as you set new goals, as you set new visions, that you also upgrade your identity simultaneously. You're in process of upgrading it, because that identity impacts the effort you make, right? Impacts the will you put towards it, and that will is reinforced by the lack of result, and so it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy. So, your your mind has this belief it wants to prove to be true, and it starts to find references. So, if you believe you're 75°, it's going to start finding legs to put under that table to make it immobile, so it can't move to prove you right.

And so, our identity equals our effort, and the challenge is that effort produces the result. And so, this identity has everything to do with the effort you make, which produces the result, which will reinforce the identity or the lack thereof. So, it's critical that you upgrade identity with your new visions and goals. The next layer of this is, you need to stop what's no longer needed. In other words, there were behaviors and thoughts you've had in the past that were needed to produce the results you currently have.

currently have. currently have. But you need to stop what's no longer needed. Maybe you're continuing a behavior in your life that's no longer needed. Maybe you're continuing a thought or a worry that at one time was needed but no longer is. Maybe there's a stress or an anxiety or a belief you're holding true to be about yourself that maybe you needed at some point in your life that you no longer need. It could be something to protect yourself from fear, to protect yourself from harm, or to serve you in getting through a certain circumstance.

But if we're not conscious of dropping a thought or a behavior that's no longer needed, we take old thoughts, old behaviors that served an old version of ourselves into trying to become the new version of ourselves. So, ask yourself that question. What do I need to drop that's no longer needed? Is it a person? Is it a thought? Is it a behavior? Or is it an emotion? One of those things you probably are carrying with you from the past that maybe you needed to get through a circumstance.

Maybe you needed to get through a relationship, through a setback, through a failure, or just to produce the results you currently get. But that thought, that behavior, that emotion, that person is no longer needed for you to go to the next level of your identity, the next level of your performance, the next level of yourself. And then finally is this. If you're stuck, you're stuck in a story. That's where you're stuck. There's a story you're telling yourself that doesn't serve you anymore. And you have to evaluate what that story is.

I'm serious. Right now if you say, "Ed, I'm kind of stuck where I am." Well, what you need to do is you need to alter your associations. You need to do something in a short window of time, no question about it. You definitely need to evaluate what is no longer needed and evaluate the story you're telling yourself. There's all kinds of stories we tell ourselves that don't serve us anymore. This is critical. Maybe it's a story about your past, a story about your parents, a story about a previous relationship, a story about a success you used to have you keep talking about that doesn't serve you to get to the next level.

next level. next level. If I can be real with you, whatever you've achieved up to this point, that story you keep talking about, every second you spend in that old story about what you've achieved, your degree, some business you had, one thing you were real successful at in the past, every time you live in that story, you're stripping time and focus from the new story. What's the new story you're telling yourself? You can't have a new identity without a new story. What's the old story you keep repeating?

Maybe it's not a success. Maybe it's a failure that you've had. It was a business setback. It was the market turned. It was the economy. It was someone who did you wrong. A relationship that let you down. A business partner who wasn't consistent. A failure you've had. A poor decision you made. A mistake you made in your life. And you're repeating this story to yourself simultaneously trying to create a new identity. You can't take that old story into the new identity. One of the things we have to do to create a new identity is to begin to tell a new story.

What's your new story? Who are you now? What are you all about now? Where are you going now? What's this new version of you? See, here's what's amazing. At any point in your life, you can just decide to write a new script. You could decide to become a whole new character. See, the leading character in the story of your life is you. you. you. And guess what? You and God control the script. You could write a new script at any time you want. Listen to me.

At any time you want, you can simply decide to be a new character. I'm strong now. I'm beautiful now. I'm handsome now. I'm bold now. I'm funny now. I'm smart now. I'm going there now. Stop telling the old story. Here's the truth. Nobody cares. No one cares if you had a failure. No one cares if you've had a setback. No one cares if you had a victory. And none of those failures, none of those setbacks, none of those victories, and that old character you keep playing is the very thing that will prevent you from becoming this new version of you.

It's a story if you're stuck. It's an old story you're telling with an old character that was last year's version, last decade's version. Who's the new character? What's the new script? What's the new story? I must tell you I have a lot of weaknesses, a lot of things I do that don't serve me. But this identity thing, thing, thing, I get this. It's the key. Now, there's a lot of little many things in life that matter. There's never one thing. But if you said what's the key, I can tell you it's my addiction and my obsession to working on my identity.

It's the thought of mine that dominates most of my thinking. That's number one. So, I'm conscious of the concept. That's huge. Just being aware of the concept will put you light years ahead of 99.9% of you. Just awareness of the power of identity. Just now you knowing about the thermostat puts you in the 0.1% of all the people on the spinning Earth right now. And then the next thing I'm really focused on is always adding people to my life in the areas that matter to me that live at higher temperatures than me.

The second thing is I'm constantly doing things in short bursts of time to change the waterline. I'm also super obsessed with dropping what's no longer needed. There were certain things I needed to think and do and say or people I needed to be around, emotions I needed to have that got me to the place I'm currently at. I'm evaluating all the time. What is no longer needed? What emotion, what anxiety, what thought, what belief, what person, what behavior is no longer needed in my life? And then lastly, I never tell the old story.

I don't like telling the old story. I'm constantly trying to write the new script, become the new character in my life. And it could just be the new emotions. It could be the new beliefs I have. It could be the new story, the new place I'm moving. But I'm constantly retelling a new story all the time. I'm constantly obsessed with writing the next chapter of my life, not reading the previous ones. The happiest and most fulfilled people don't read the past chapters of their life, whether they're good or bad.

They are writing new ones all the time. These are the keys of changing the internal thermostat of our lives and ultimately are the keys of changing the external circumstances of our lives. our lives. our lives.