STOP Trying To Change Others! People Change Only If They Want To... | Ed Mylett
Stop wasting energy trying to change other people. They'll only change when they choose to, not because you want them to. Instead, make one of two decisions: accept them as they are, or choose not to be with them. The most powerful thing you can do is ask, 'Do you want to change?' and then make your
1h 27mKey Takeaway
Stop wasting energy trying to change other people. They'll only change when they choose to, not because you want them to. Instead, make one of two decisions: accept them as they are, or choose not to be with them. The most powerful thing you can do is ask, 'Do you want to change?' and then make your decision based on their honest answer. Your happiness cannot depend on another person's behavior.
Episode Overview
Ed Mylett answers a listener question about changing a spouse's behavior, explaining that you cannot force people to change. He discusses why trying to change others is exhausting and counterproductive, leading to resistance, rebellion, and resentment. The episode emphasizes making clear decisions to either accept people as they are or create distance, rather than wasting energy on futile attempts to control their behavior.
Key Insights
The Three Rs of Trying to Change Others
When you constantly try to change someone, they resist you, rebel against you, and resent you. The more you push for change, the more this cycle intensifies, often feeding the exact behavior you're trying to eliminate. This creates a toxic dynamic that damages relationships.
Your Strength Can Become Your Weakness
Seeing people as they could be is a powerful leadership quality, but it becomes a weakness when you stay in relationships with people who've shown you who they are now. This vision can be used as a weapon against you when you refuse to accept present reality in favor of future potential.
Change Is an Internal Decision
Real behavioral change comes from internal decisions, not external forcing. People who overcome addictions or change habits reach their own conclusions and make internal commitments. No amount of cajoling, threatening, or encouraging from others creates lasting change without this internal shift.
The Two-Choice Framework
Instead of endlessly trying to change someone, you have only two real choices: accept them as they are (if they meet your standards of treatment), or leave. Anything else is wasting energy and creating unnecessary conflict while depleting your ability to grow yourself.
Different Growth Patterns Can Coexist
It's possible for relationships to work when one person is constantly evolving and the other is content where they are. The key is accepting this difference rather than resenting it. However, constantly trying to make someone be like you creates distance, not connection.
Notable Quotes
"Let me be very clear with you. No, I can't. And more importantly, neither can you."
"If a human being is going to change their behavior, they're going to change that behavior because they choose to, because they want to. And no cajoling, no threatening, no encouraging is going to get another human being to change on your behalf."
"Are you so afraid to be alone that you're willing to stay with somebody over and over again who mistreats you or treats you or behaves or treats themselves? Maybe they do things where they treat themselves in such a way. It's just terrible."
"When you're constantly trying to get somebody to change, let me tell you what ends up happening. They resist you, they rebel against you, and they resent you. The three Rs."
"If your happiness is contingent on your environment or your happiness is contingent on the behavior of other peoples. If you have surrendered your own happiness to another human being, and their choices, and their behavior, and how they have to conduct themselves in a way that you see fit in order for you to feel happiness and loved, well, you're taking a big risk in your life, and you're wasting a lot of energy."
Action Items
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1
Ask the Honest Question
Have a direct conversation with the person you're trying to change. Ask them: 'Do you want to change? Do you want to grow? And be honest with me.' Let them know it's okay if they don't, but you need to know the truth so you can make informed decisions about the relationship.
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2
Make the Two-Choice Decision
Stop dwelling in the gray area of hoping someone will change. Make one of two clear decisions: (1) Accept them exactly as they are right now, or (2) Create distance or leave the relationship. Commit fully to whichever choice you make rather than staying in limbo.
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3
Redirect Your Energy Inward
Take all the energy, focus, and time you've been spending trying to change another person and redirect it toward your own growth and development. Every minute spent analyzing someone else's need to change is a minute not spent improving yourself.
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4
Examine Your Own Self-Worth
If you're staying with someone who doesn't treat you well, ask yourself why. Are you afraid of being alone? Do you think you can't do better? Address your own lack of self-worth that's keeping you in unhealthy situations rather than focusing on the other person's behavior.