Riz Ahmed: The Shame I Carried Nearly Broke Me
The distance between your public and private self is the amount of shame you carry. This gap—between how you want to be seen and who you are when no one's watching—measures the performance we're all living. Instead of chasing external validation through awards and applause, seek moments of flow wher
1h 26mKey Takeaway
The distance between your public and private self is the amount of shame you carry. This gap—between how you want to be seen and who you are when no one's watching—measures the performance we're all living. Instead of chasing external validation through awards and applause, seek moments of flow where you forget yourself entirely. That's when you're truly alive, not auditioning for approval but present in the moment.
Episode Overview
Riz Ahmed joins Jay Shetty to discuss his series 'Bait,' exploring identity, validation-seeking, and the performance of everyday life. They dive deep into childhood memories, the gap between public and private selves, shame, finding flow states, and the dangers of living as if life is one continuous audition.
Key Insights
Life as a Continuous Audition
Modern life feels like a perpetual audition due to social media and the attention economy. We constantly perform versions of ourselves we think others want to see—on LinkedIn, Zoom calls, and social media. This performance isn't limited to actors; everyone is trying to appear more desirable, successful, and put-together than they actually feel.
The Shame Gap: Public vs. Private Self
The distance between your public self and private self measures the shame you carry. When perception and reality are vastly different, it creates stress and absurdity. Collapsing this distance by being vulnerable and authentic can be liberating, both for yourself and others who recognize their own struggles in your honesty.
External Achievements Don't Nourish the Soul
Awards, applause, and external markers of achievement provide fleeting dopamine hits but don't nourish you on a soul level. The real reward is the process—reaching inside to a vulnerable place and offering it up. Flow states, where you forget yourself completely, are what truly feed the soul, not the milestones themselves.
Safe Relationships Are Performance-Free Zones
Love and safety exist in spaces where you don't have to perform—where you can be messy, chaotic, neurotic, and boring. Healthy relationships with family and close friends ground you by treating your achievements as less important than who you actually are. These are the people who remind you that life isn't all about the performance.
The Danger of Becoming Someone You're Not
Trying to be someone you're not is more complicated than simply seeking validation. When you adopt traits, personalities, and behaviors that aren't authentically yours, you create a deeper performance that's impossible to sustain. This is the 'golden handcuffs' of society—spending years becoming someone else rather than discovering who you truly are.
Notable Quotes
"The distance between your public and private self is the amount of shame that you carry. The distance between how you want to be seen or how people see you and who you are when no one's watching. That performance that we are all living in that's actually about that's a measurement of shame."
"External markers of achievement, the award, the round of applause. They don't nourish you on a soul level. And the thing that I'm seeking now is a sense of flow. That moment when you forget yourself."
"If you felt totally comfortable everywhere you went, then you're probably not in the right place."
"The reward was the process of making it was the process of reaching inside to a vulnerable place and kind of offering it up. There's that moment of offering is that moment of letting go."
"You need to ask yourself why are you doing this work? Is it to get or is it to let go?"
Action Items
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1
Identify Your Performance-Free Zones
Create or nurture relationships where you don't have to perform—where you can be authentically messy, boring, or imperfect. These spaces (like close family or trusted friends) help you stay grounded and remind you that your worth isn't tied to external achievements.
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2
Seek Flow Over Validation
Notice moments when you forget yourself—whether in a hobby, conversation, or creative work. Actively pursue activities that create these flow states rather than chasing external markers of success. The process is the reward, not the outcome.
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3
Close the Public-Private Gap
Audit the distance between who you are publicly and who you are privately. Share vulnerabilities and authentic moments to reduce the shame this gap creates. This doesn't mean oversharing everything, but being more honest about your struggles and imperfections.
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4
Stop Auditioning in Safe Spaces
When with close friends or family, resist the urge to be 'impressive' or perform your persona. Talk about mundane things, be ordinary, and let others see you without the polished exterior. This practice helps you remember that your value isn't in constant performance.