Recovering Alcoholic Breaks Down Shia LaBeouf’s Recent Behavior

So today we're going to do something a So today we're going to do something a little bit different. I am going to little bit different. I am going to little bit different. I am going to deconstruct a recent interview between deconstruct a recent interview between deconstruct a recent interview between the film actor Shia Labuff and Andrew the film actor Shia Labuff and Andrew the film actor Shia Labuff and Andrew Callahan from the YouTube channel Callahan from the YouTube channel Callahan from the YouTube channel Channel 5. Channel 5. Channel 5. >> Shia Labuff is arrested again. >> Shia Labuff is arrested again. >> Shia Labuff is arrested again. >> New Orleans police arrested him for >> New Orleans police arrested him for >> New Orleans police arrested him for allegedly fighting people on Royal allegedly fighting people on Royal allegedly fighting people on Royal Street. Street. Street. >> The actor faces two charges of simple >> The actor faces two charges of simple >> The actor faces two charges of simple battery with a hearing scheduled for battery with a hearing scheduled for battery with a hearing scheduled for March 19th. March 19th. March 19th. >> The Transformer star has been going >> The Transformer star has been going >> The Transformer star has been going through a lot of turmoil. He's been through a lot of turmoil. He's been through a lot of turmoil. He's been spotted all around the city since last spotted all around the city since last spotted all around the city since last Thursday drinking and shirtless. Thursday drinking and shirtless. Thursday drinking and shirtless. >> Channel 5 News, what's up? >> Channel 5 News, what's up? >> Channel 5 News, what's up? >> We made it. Yeah, we made it. >> If you've even been on the internet uh a >> If you've even been on the internet uh a modest amount recently, you've probably modest amount recently, you've probably modest amount recently, you've probably come across some of these clips. They come across some of these clips. They come across some of these clips. They all went viral. This is a conversation all went viral. This is a conversation all went viral. This is a conversation uh that has created quite the discourse uh that has created quite the discourse uh that has created quite the discourse around it. And I thought it was worthy around it. And I thought it was worthy around it. And I thought it was worthy of discussion here, not for the of discussion here, not for the of discussion here, not for the salacious celebrity aspect of it or for salacious celebrity aspect of it or for salacious celebrity aspect of it or for the uh voyeristic aspects of it, but the uh voyeristic aspects of it, but the uh voyeristic aspects of it, but because I think it illustrates certain because I think it illustrates certain because I think it illustrates certain aspects of addiction and recovery that aspects of addiction and recovery that aspects of addiction and recovery that are worthy of deeper discussion. Uh this are worthy of deeper discussion. Uh this are worthy of deeper discussion. Uh this is not TMZ, this is the RRP. My name is is not TMZ, this is the RRP. My name is is not TMZ, this is the RRP. My name is Rich Roll. I am an alcoholic in Rich Roll. I am an alcoholic in Rich Roll. I am an alcoholic in recovery. uh and I thought that it would recovery. uh and I thought that it would recovery. uh and I thought that it would be worth our time to understand the be worth our time to understand the be worth our time to understand the dynamic between these two individuals in dynamic between these two individuals in dynamic between these two individuals in this conversation as a means to this conversation as a means to this conversation as a means to illustrate certain aspects of addiction illustrate certain aspects of addiction illustrate certain aspects of addiction and recovery for the purpose of being and recovery for the purpose of being and recovery for the purpose of being helpful to you the audience. Should you helpful to you the audience. Should you helpful to you the audience. Should you be an addict who is struggling with be an addict who is struggling with be an addict who is struggling with sobriety or somebody who has an addict sobriety or somebody who has an addict sobriety or somebody who has an addict in their life and is struggling to in their life and is struggling to in their life and is struggling to understand um how to support that person understand um how to support that person understand um how to support that person uh on the path to recovery? This is a uh on the path to recovery? This is a uh on the path to recovery? This is a bit of an experiment, my very first solo bit of an experiment, my very first solo bit of an experiment, my very first solo episode. So, let me know uh how this one episode. So, let me know uh how this one episode. So, let me know uh how this one lands for you. If you like it, I can do lands for you. If you like it, I can do lands for you. If you like it, I can do more of these. In addition, if you have more of these. In addition, if you have more of these. In addition, if you have some insights you'd like to share in some insights you'd like to share in some insights you'd like to share in response to this episode or perhaps uh response to this episode or perhaps uh response to this episode or perhaps uh your own story of addiction and recovery your own story of addiction and recovery your own story of addiction and recovery or the story of your relationship with or the story of your relationship with or the story of your relationship with somebody uh in addiction or recovery somebody uh in addiction or recovery somebody uh in addiction or recovery that you think would be interesting to that you think would be interesting to that you think would be interesting to discuss or uh parse on this show, you discuss or uh parse on this show, you discuss or uh parse on this show, you can email that to me at can email that to me at can email that to me at info@richroll.com. info@richroll.com. info@richroll.com. So, let's start by watching a clip. I So, let's start by watching a clip. I So, let's start by watching a clip. I think a lot of people probably saw some think a lot of people probably saw some think a lot of people probably saw some of the Marty Gro media coverage. of the Marty Gro media coverage. of the Marty Gro media coverage. >> I understand. >> I understand. >> I understand. >> Heard about the arrest and stuff. >> Heard about the arrest and stuff. >> Heard about the arrest and stuff. >> God bless him. >> God bless him. >> God bless him. >> Likely want to know how you're doing, >> Likely want to know how you're doing, >> Likely want to know how you're doing, >> bro. I've been having a time of my life. >> bro. I've been having a time of my life. >> bro. I've been having a time of my life. You know, I got some contrition on my You know, I got some contrition on my You know, I got some contrition on my heart. You know what I mean? It's not heart. You know what I mean? It's not heart. You know what I mean? It's not nice to hurt people ever. It's [ __ ] nice to hurt people ever. It's [ __ ] nice to hurt people ever. It's [ __ ] lame. People got hurt. I got to deal lame. People got hurt. I got to deal lame. People got hurt. I got to deal with that. I'mma deal with that. I'm with that. I'mma deal with that. I'm with that. I'mma deal with that. I'm going to deal with that in full. I'll going to deal with that in full. I'll going to deal with that in full. I'll eat it all. It was on me. It's not on eat it all. It was on me. It's not on eat it all. It was on me. It's not on them. It's on me. I [ __ ] up. It's on them. It's on me. I [ __ ] up. It's on them. It's on me. I [ __ ] up. It's on me. I [ __ ] up. It's on me. me. I [ __ ] up. It's on me. me. I [ __ ] up. It's on me. >> Definitely. >> Definitely. >> Definitely. >> Yeah. So, you take responsibility for >> Yeah. So, you take responsibility for >> Yeah. So, you take responsibility for >> 100%. We're not going to play games, >> 100%. We're not going to play games, >> 100%. We're not going to play games, >> but um I had a great time. >> He's so charismatic. He is so compelling >> He's so charismatic. He is so compelling to watch that it makes it a little bit to watch that it makes it a little bit to watch that it makes it a little bit harder to just call it what it is, which harder to just call it what it is, which harder to just call it what it is, which is just utter horseshit. Like, this is is just utter horseshit. Like, this is is just utter horseshit. Like, this is just manipulation [ __ ] 101%. just manipulation [ __ ] 101%. just manipulation [ __ ] 101%. just a proclamation of contrition just a proclamation of contrition just a proclamation of contrition without uh actually any contrary action without uh actually any contrary action without uh actually any contrary action to, you know, kind of account for the to, you know, kind of account for the to, you know, kind of account for the harm that he's creating is is just, you harm that he's creating is is just, you harm that he's creating is is just, you know, an empty promise at best. And so I know, an empty promise at best. And so I know, an empty promise at best. And so I think what's happening here is that he think what's happening here is that he think what's happening here is that he is indulging in his denial. He's is indulging in his denial. He's is indulging in his denial. He's convincing himself that this isn't so convincing himself that this isn't so convincing himself that this isn't so bad. He's obviously well aware that, you bad. He's obviously well aware that, you bad. He's obviously well aware that, you know, he's an alcoholic and um that know, he's an alcoholic and um that know, he's an alcoholic and um that alcohol is problematic for him, but he's alcohol is problematic for him, but he's alcohol is problematic for him, but he's willing to continue doing it because he willing to continue doing it because he willing to continue doing it because he believes that he can still control it, believes that he can still control it, believes that he can still control it, that he can get away with his bad that he can get away with his bad that he can get away with his bad behavior uh and that he's not going to behavior uh and that he's not going to behavior uh and that he's not going to have to pay uh pay for it in any have to pay uh pay for it in any have to pay uh pay for it in any meaningful way. But the truth of the meaningful way. But the truth of the meaningful way. But the truth of the matter is that this is only headed in matter is that this is only headed in matter is that this is only headed in one direction and that direction is bad. one direction and that direction is bad. one direction and that direction is bad. that there are people who are suffering that there are people who are suffering that there are people who are suffering in the wake of this behavior that while in the wake of this behavior that while in the wake of this behavior that while he may be acknowledging that he's not he may be acknowledging that he's not he may be acknowledging that he's not actually doing anything about it in a actually doing anything about it in a actually doing anything about it in a meaningful way. And I see no indication meaningful way. And I see no indication meaningful way. And I see no indication that he's going to stop behaving this that he's going to stop behaving this that he's going to stop behaving this way until he hits some kind of rock way until he hits some kind of rock way until he hits some kind of rock bottom. And perhaps that's what he needs bottom. And perhaps that's what he needs bottom. And perhaps that's what he needs in order for him to wake up and realize in order for him to wake up and realize in order for him to wake up and realize the the the the truth of his behavior the the the the truth of his behavior the the the the truth of his behavior and the situation that he's created for and the situation that he's created for and the situation that he's created for himself. But before we go any further himself. But before we go any further himself. But before we go any further into relapse or recovery, I do think into relapse or recovery, I do think into relapse or recovery, I do think it's important to pause for a moment and it's important to pause for a moment and it's important to pause for a moment and just acknowledge the seriousness of Shia just acknowledge the seriousness of Shia just acknowledge the seriousness of Shia Labuff's behavior. This is somebody who Labuff's behavior. This is somebody who Labuff's behavior. This is somebody who has been behaving badly for a long time. has been behaving badly for a long time. has been behaving badly for a long time. uh you know kind of very much in his uh you know kind of very much in his uh you know kind of very much in his disease of alcoholism, but behavior that disease of alcoholism, but behavior that disease of alcoholism, but behavior that is not without it its very significant is not without it its very significant is not without it its very significant consequences. There's been physical consequences. There's been physical consequences. There's been physical battery, there's been sexual battery, battery, there's been sexual battery, battery, there's been sexual battery, there's been lawsuits, run-ins with the there's been lawsuits, run-ins with the there's been lawsuits, run-ins with the law, etc. Uh and so I want to make sure law, etc. Uh and so I want to make sure law, etc. Uh and so I want to make sure that people understand I'm not that people understand I'm not that people understand I'm not attempting to in any way uh minimize attempting to in any way uh minimize attempting to in any way uh minimize that uh simply because this is a very, that uh simply because this is a very, that uh simply because this is a very, you know, kind of charismatic you know, kind of charismatic you know, kind of charismatic individual. this well-known actor uh who individual. this well-known actor uh who individual. this well-known actor uh who seems to be self-aware. Uh I'm not in seems to be self-aware. Uh I'm not in seems to be self-aware. Uh I'm not in any way uh giving him a pass or letting any way uh giving him a pass or letting any way uh giving him a pass or letting him off the hook for this. I think him off the hook for this. I think him off the hook for this. I think there's a big difference between there's a big difference between there's a big difference between understanding how addiction distorts a understanding how addiction distorts a understanding how addiction distorts a person's mind and behavior on the one person's mind and behavior on the one person's mind and behavior on the one hand and then excusing uh that behavior hand and then excusing uh that behavior hand and then excusing uh that behavior on the other hand. And my goal here is on the other hand. And my goal here is on the other hand. And my goal here is simply to help all of you glean a better simply to help all of you glean a better simply to help all of you glean a better understanding of addiction and the understanding of addiction and the understanding of addiction and the journey towards recovery and what's journey towards recovery and what's journey towards recovery and what's important to understand about somebody important to understand about somebody important to understand about somebody who is in the throws of a relapse. Uh it who is in the throws of a relapse. Uh it who is in the throws of a relapse. Uh it is not in any way to give this person a is not in any way to give this person a is not in any way to give this person a pass or to excuse their behavior. As pass or to excuse their behavior. As pass or to excuse their behavior. As somebody who has been in recovery for a somebody who has been in recovery for a somebody who has been in recovery for a very long time and also is no stranger very long time and also is no stranger very long time and also is no stranger to relapse, uh I can tell you that to relapse, uh I can tell you that to relapse, uh I can tell you that recovery is a program of vigilance. Uh recovery is a program of vigilance. Uh recovery is a program of vigilance. Uh there is no stasis. There's no coasting. there is no stasis. There's no coasting. there is no stasis. There's no coasting. There's no taking your sobriety for There's no taking your sobriety for There's no taking your sobriety for granted. It it requires a tremendous granted. It it requires a tremendous granted. It it requires a tremendous amount of work, persistent work. Uh amount of work, persistent work. Uh amount of work, persistent work. Uh where you really can't afford to ever where you really can't afford to ever where you really can't afford to ever take your foot off the pedal or you're take your foot off the pedal or you're take your foot off the pedal or you're headed towards relapse. And so when you headed towards relapse. And so when you headed towards relapse. And so when you see somebody who is in the throws of a see somebody who is in the throws of a see somebody who is in the throws of a relapse, the first thing to understand relapse, the first thing to understand relapse, the first thing to understand is that the relapse began long before is that the relapse began long before is that the relapse began long before the person picked up the drink or took the person picked up the drink or took the person picked up the drink or took the drug or sat down at the poker table. the drug or sat down at the poker table. the drug or sat down at the poker table. Uh that relapse pulled out of the Uh that relapse pulled out of the Uh that relapse pulled out of the station perhaps days before, perhaps station perhaps days before, perhaps station perhaps days before, perhaps weeks before, perhaps years before. And weeks before, perhaps years before. And weeks before, perhaps years before. And it begins with it begins with it begins with a change in that person's relationship a change in that person's relationship a change in that person's relationship with their recovery program in which with their recovery program in which with their recovery program in which they take their self-will back and they they take their self-will back and they they take their self-will back and they begin to lack an appreciation for the begin to lack an appreciation for the begin to lack an appreciation for the fact that they are fundamentally fact that they are fundamentally fact that they are fundamentally powerless over the substance or the powerless over the substance or the powerless over the substance or the behavior. There's a thing that happens behavior. There's a thing that happens behavior. There's a thing that happens with addicts where once you kind of get with addicts where once you kind of get with addicts where once you kind of get your life back and things start to feel your life back and things start to feel your life back and things start to feel like they're moving in the right like they're moving in the right like they're moving in the right direction, you want to take the helm direction, you want to take the helm direction, you want to take the helm again and start, you know, driving the again and start, you know, driving the again and start, you know, driving the car yourself. Uh, and that's what we car yourself. Uh, and that's what we car yourself. Uh, and that's what we call self-will as opposed to a surrender call self-will as opposed to a surrender call self-will as opposed to a surrender of your will, which is what's required of your will, which is what's required of your will, which is what's required in order to achieve sobriety. You have in order to achieve sobriety. You have in order to achieve sobriety. You have to acknowledge deeply to your core that to acknowledge deeply to your core that to acknowledge deeply to your core that you are truly powerless over again the you are truly powerless over again the you are truly powerless over again the substance or the behavior. And then you substance or the behavior. And then you substance or the behavior. And then you have to do the work of turning it over have to do the work of turning it over have to do the work of turning it over to your higher power, of bringing other to your higher power, of bringing other to your higher power, of bringing other people into your community, of running people into your community, of running people into your community, of running your decisions by them, of trusting them your decisions by them, of trusting them your decisions by them, of trusting them with uh giving you feedback on those with uh giving you feedback on those with uh giving you feedback on those decisions and those life choices. And decisions and those life choices. And decisions and those life choices. And the minute you stop doing that and you the minute you stop doing that and you the minute you stop doing that and you begin to isolate and think that you begin to isolate and think that you begin to isolate and think that you don't need that anymore or that you got don't need that anymore or that you got don't need that anymore or that you got what you needed out of the program of what you needed out of the program of what you needed out of the program of recovery and now you can just kind of go recovery and now you can just kind of go recovery and now you can just kind of go about your life, that's when the relapse about your life, that's when the relapse about your life, that's when the relapse begins. And it may take a long time begins. And it may take a long time begins. And it may take a long time before that manifests in the errant before that manifests in the errant before that manifests in the errant behavior, but you really become a behavior, but you really become a behavior, but you really become a ticking time bomb. And in the instance ticking time bomb. And in the instance ticking time bomb. And in the instance of of Shilabove, who's somebody I don't of of Shilabove, who's somebody I don't of of Shilabove, who's somebody I don't know and have never met, I see somebody know and have never met, I see somebody know and have never met, I see somebody who has struggled with addiction for a who has struggled with addiction for a who has struggled with addiction for a very long time, at some point it appears very long time, at some point it appears very long time, at some point it appears that he got sober. This was a guy who that he got sober. This was a guy who that he got sober. This was a guy who was well on his way to building a life was well on his way to building a life was well on his way to building a life in recovery. It appeared that he had in recovery. It appeared that he had in recovery. It appeared that he had found um his higher power in in the found um his higher power in in the found um his higher power in in the church and he seemed to be pretty church and he seemed to be pretty church and he seemed to be pretty right-sized for somebody who admittedly right-sized for somebody who admittedly right-sized for somebody who admittedly has a gigantic ego um about what his has a gigantic ego um about what his has a gigantic ego um about what his priorities were. Obviously, that didn't priorities were. Obviously, that didn't priorities were. Obviously, that didn't stick. I have no idea what happened in stick. I have no idea what happened in stick. I have no idea what happened in the interim in terms of his behavior in the interim in terms of his behavior in the interim in terms of his behavior in New Orleans, but clearly at some point New Orleans, but clearly at some point New Orleans, but clearly at some point whatever he was doing either stopped whatever he was doing either stopped whatever he was doing either stopped working or he stopped doing it. Uh he working or he stopped doing it. Uh he working or he stopped doing it. Uh he lost sight of the things that he had to lost sight of the things that he had to lost sight of the things that he had to do in order to get sober. Uh and started do in order to get sober. Uh and started do in order to get sober. Uh and started resorting to some old behavior patterns resorting to some old behavior patterns resorting to some old behavior patterns that, you know, led him to the decision that, you know, led him to the decision that, you know, led him to the decision that it was a good idea to go down to that it was a good idea to go down to that it was a good idea to go down to New Orleans and just do whatever he New Orleans and just do whatever he New Orleans and just do whatever he wanted. Uh, fast forward to arrests and wanted. Uh, fast forward to arrests and wanted. Uh, fast forward to arrests and all the kind of public frenzy around all all the kind of public frenzy around all all the kind of public frenzy around all of this. And again, I'm not raising this of this. And again, I'm not raising this of this. And again, I'm not raising this to be salacious or to really point a to be salacious or to really point a to be salacious or to really point a finger at Shia at all, but more to say finger at Shia at all, but more to say finger at Shia at all, but more to say that it's inevitable that a situation that it's inevitable that a situation that it's inevitable that a situation like this was going to emerge if the like this was going to emerge if the like this was going to emerge if the person stops doing the things that keep person stops doing the things that keep person stops doing the things that keep you sober on a daily basis. running your you sober on a daily basis. running your you sober on a daily basis. running your decisions by other people, holding decisions by other people, holding decisions by other people, holding yourself accountable, making amends for yourself accountable, making amends for yourself accountable, making amends for your your past wrongs, writing those your your past wrongs, writing those your your past wrongs, writing those past wrongs. That's very different from past wrongs. That's very different from past wrongs. That's very different from apology. What we're seeing in this apology. What we're seeing in this apology. What we're seeing in this interview with Shia is a lot of interview with Shia is a lot of interview with Shia is a lot of apologizing, a lot of self-awareness apologizing, a lot of self-awareness apologizing, a lot of self-awareness around his behavior. But making amends around his behavior. But making amends around his behavior. But making amends is very different. That's when you have is very different. That's when you have is very different. That's when you have to actually write the wrong. And to actually write the wrong. And to actually write the wrong. And sometimes in addition to writing those sometimes in addition to writing those sometimes in addition to writing those wrongs when it's possible that means wrongs when it's possible that means wrongs when it's possible that means writing your behavior going forward writing your behavior going forward writing your behavior going forward taking the contrary action followed by taking the contrary action followed by taking the contrary action followed by the next right action one after the the next right action one after the the next right action one after the other other quietly essentially other other quietly essentially other other quietly essentially anonymously uh to repair trust with not anonymously uh to repair trust with not anonymously uh to repair trust with not just the public but with the people in just the public but with the people in just the public but with the people in your life that you care about. uh once your life that you care about. uh once your life that you care about. uh once you stop doing that or you take your you stop doing that or you take your you stop doing that or you take your sobriety for granted or you believe you sobriety for granted or you believe you sobriety for granted or you believe you don't need to do any of that um that's don't need to do any of that um that's don't need to do any of that um that's when you put yourself in peril and I see when you put yourself in peril and I see when you put yourself in peril and I see somebody who is very much in his ego who somebody who is very much in his ego who somebody who is very much in his ego who believes that he is in the driver's seat believes that he is in the driver's seat believes that he is in the driver's seat and in control of his behavior and his and in control of his behavior and his and in control of his behavior and his decision-m and is in a tremendous amount decision-m and is in a tremendous amount decision-m and is in a tremendous amount of denial regarding the harm that his of denial regarding the harm that his of denial regarding the harm that his behavior is creating. that behavior is creating. that behavior is creating. that self-awareness piece is fine, but he's self-awareness piece is fine, but he's self-awareness piece is fine, but he's not really connecting with the fact that not really connecting with the fact that not really connecting with the fact that what he's doing is actually really what he's doing is actually really what he's doing is actually really hurtful uh to the people in his life. I hurtful uh to the people in his life. I hurtful uh to the people in his life. I can't imagine that it couldn't be given can't imagine that it couldn't be given can't imagine that it couldn't be given the fact that he has these former the fact that he has these former the fact that he has these former partners and he has a child that is, you partners and he has a child that is, you partners and he has a child that is, you know, part of this dynamic as well. But know, part of this dynamic as well. But know, part of this dynamic as well. But that is addiction. Somebody who is in that is addiction. Somebody who is in that is addiction. Somebody who is in the throws of addiction is going to tell the throws of addiction is going to tell the throws of addiction is going to tell you, "Hey, I'm just having fun. I'm just you, "Hey, I'm just having fun. I'm just you, "Hey, I'm just having fun. I'm just doing what I want to do. I'm not harming doing what I want to do. I'm not harming doing what I want to do. I'm not harming anyone. I'm down in Marty GR or I'm, you anyone. I'm down in Marty GR or I'm, you anyone. I'm down in Marty GR or I'm, you know, down at I'm at the card table or know, down at I'm at the card table or know, down at I'm at the card table or uh or, you know, it's my credit card and uh or, you know, it's my credit card and uh or, you know, it's my credit card and I get to choose when to use it without I get to choose when to use it without I get to choose when to use it without really appreciating the ramifications really appreciating the ramifications really appreciating the ramifications and the ripple effects that those and the ripple effects that those and the ripple effects that those behaviors have on basically everybody uh behaviors have on basically everybody uh behaviors have on basically everybody uh that that person comes into contact that that person comes into contact that that person comes into contact with. When it's so clear that this with. When it's so clear that this with. When it's so clear that this person needs help, uh why is it that the person needs help, uh why is it that the person needs help, uh why is it that the addict declines or refuses that help? I addict declines or refuses that help? I addict declines or refuses that help? I think fundamentally a lot of it has to think fundamentally a lot of it has to think fundamentally a lot of it has to do with the fact that you can't solve a do with the fact that you can't solve a do with the fact that you can't solve a problem with the brain that is creating problem with the brain that is creating problem with the brain that is creating it. So if you are an addict, you don't it. So if you are an addict, you don't it. So if you are an addict, you don't have the clarity of mind to understand have the clarity of mind to understand have the clarity of mind to understand that uh you on your own are capable of that uh you on your own are capable of that uh you on your own are capable of even solving the problem. That's sort of even solving the problem. That's sort of even solving the problem. That's sort of problem number one. And the second thing problem number one. And the second thing problem number one. And the second thing is that recovery is all about is that recovery is all about is that recovery is all about willingness. willingness. willingness. It's a program of action. And the people It's a program of action. And the people It's a program of action. And the people that are able to get sober and stay that are able to get sober and stay that are able to get sober and stay sober are the people who summon the sober are the people who summon the sober are the people who summon the willingness to take contrary action, to willingness to take contrary action, to willingness to take contrary action, to do something different, to make a do something different, to make a do something different, to make a decision, to invest in their well-being. decision, to invest in their well-being. decision, to invest in their well-being. And willingness is something that And willingness is something that And willingness is something that doesn't come easy for the alcoholic or doesn't come easy for the alcoholic or doesn't come easy for the alcoholic or the addict. First of all, you have to the addict. First of all, you have to the addict. First of all, you have to appreciate the cycle of craving and appreciate the cycle of craving and appreciate the cycle of craving and reward. When somebody is truly addicted, reward. When somebody is truly addicted, reward. When somebody is truly addicted, let's just use substances as an example. let's just use substances as an example. let's just use substances as an example. Um, Um, Um, the only thing that is important is sad the only thing that is important is sad the only thing that is important is sad that craving through the use of that that craving through the use of that that craving through the use of that substance. That's all this person is substance. That's all this person is substance. That's all this person is thinking about. They can't function thinking about. They can't function thinking about. They can't function without it. And once they get the without it. And once they get the without it. And once they get the satisfaction of sating that craving, the satisfaction of sating that craving, the satisfaction of sating that craving, the cycle perpetuates and everything else is cycle perpetuates and everything else is cycle perpetuates and everything else is unimportant to that person. And anything unimportant to that person. And anything unimportant to that person. And anything that is a threat or that might interrupt that is a threat or that might interrupt that is a threat or that might interrupt that cycle uh is something that the that cycle uh is something that the that cycle uh is something that the addict is going to run away from and not addict is going to run away from and not addict is going to run away from and not be interested in. Uh so when you say to be interested in. Uh so when you say to be interested in. Uh so when you say to the addict like, "Listen, you know, I the addict like, "Listen, you know, I the addict like, "Listen, you know, I know you're doing this thing. Look at know you're doing this thing. Look at know you're doing this thing. Look at all the chaos it's creating. It's all the chaos it's creating. It's all the chaos it's creating. It's obviously destroying your life. it's obviously destroying your life. it's obviously destroying your life. it's hurting us, you got to just stop. That hurting us, you got to just stop. That hurting us, you got to just stop. That person will may be able to recognize person will may be able to recognize person will may be able to recognize that and say, "You're right. I need to." that and say, "You're right. I need to." that and say, "You're right. I need to." But they are powerless to do it. Because But they are powerless to do it. Because But they are powerless to do it. Because they're running on their self-will. they're running on their self-will. they're running on their self-will. They're running this program. It's They're running this program. It's They're running this program. It's almost as if uh they have a virus or a almost as if uh they have a virus or a almost as if uh they have a virus or a malware in their operating system that malware in their operating system that malware in their operating system that overrides their better judgment and overrides their better judgment and overrides their better judgment and basically takes over their decision-m basically takes over their decision-m basically takes over their decision-m mechanism short of some kind of mechanism short of some kind of mechanism short of some kind of intervention or interruption. That cycle intervention or interruption. That cycle intervention or interruption. That cycle is going to perpetuate until that person is going to perpetuate until that person is going to perpetuate until that person reaches what we call rock bottom. reaches what we call rock bottom. reaches what we call rock bottom. they arrive at a situation that is they arrive at a situation that is they arrive at a situation that is creating so much pain that creating so much pain that creating so much pain that they finally realize that they're going they finally realize that they're going they finally realize that they're going to have to do something about it. Rock to have to do something about it. Rock to have to do something about it. Rock bottom is a subjective experience. It's bottom is a subjective experience. It's bottom is a subjective experience. It's not an objective thing. Things can not an objective thing. Things can not an objective thing. Things can always be worse. Some people have high always be worse. Some people have high always be worse. Some people have high bottoms, some people have low bottoms. bottoms, some people have low bottoms. bottoms, some people have low bottoms. But addiction is certainly on the rise But addiction is certainly on the rise But addiction is certainly on the rise everywhere we look. the opioid crisis, everywhere we look. the opioid crisis, everywhere we look. the opioid crisis, this scourge uh that leaves almost all this scourge uh that leaves almost all this scourge uh that leaves almost all of us touched in in one way or the of us touched in in one way or the of us touched in in one way or the other. Uh and I think I want to make other. Uh and I think I want to make other. Uh and I think I want to make sure to say that I believe addiction is sure to say that I believe addiction is sure to say that I believe addiction is something that lives on a spectrum. Uh I something that lives on a spectrum. Uh I something that lives on a spectrum. Uh I think most people uh would recognize think most people uh would recognize think most people uh would recognize their own addiction tendencies with their own addiction tendencies with their own addiction tendencies with respect to the the phone, you know, the respect to the the phone, you know, the respect to the the phone, you know, the supercomput that we have in our pockets. supercomput that we have in our pockets. supercomput that we have in our pockets. And to one degree or another, all of us And to one degree or another, all of us And to one degree or another, all of us uh are victim to certain uh compulsive uh are victim to certain uh compulsive uh are victim to certain uh compulsive behaviors that we feel not adequately uh behaviors that we feel not adequately uh behaviors that we feel not adequately uh in charge of that lead us towards in charge of that lead us towards in charge of that lead us towards negative life outcomes. Um yes, on the negative life outcomes. Um yes, on the negative life outcomes. Um yes, on the one hand, on the far end of the one hand, on the far end of the one hand, on the far end of the spectrum, we have the, you know, the spectrum, we have the, you know, the spectrum, we have the, you know, the homeless heroin addict living on Skid homeless heroin addict living on Skid homeless heroin addict living on Skid Row or, you know, the alcoholic who just Row or, you know, the alcoholic who just Row or, you know, the alcoholic who just can't stop drinking. Uh but there's also can't stop drinking. Uh but there's also can't stop drinking. Uh but there's also the person who continues to get into the the person who continues to get into the the person who continues to get into the same kind of not so great relationship same kind of not so great relationship same kind of not so great relationship or the person who is a shopaholic or the or the person who is a shopaholic or the or the person who is a shopaholic or the person who is online gambling a little person who is online gambling a little person who is online gambling a little bit too much. So somewhere on that bit too much. So somewhere on that bit too much. So somewhere on that spectrum I think most people could spectrum I think most people could spectrum I think most people could probably identify themselves. But with probably identify themselves. But with probably identify themselves. But with respect to people who are truly in the respect to people who are truly in the respect to people who are truly in the throws of of a deep-seated addiction, throws of of a deep-seated addiction, throws of of a deep-seated addiction, let's say to opioids, let's say to opioids, let's say to opioids, um um um I think very few people don't have I think very few people don't have I think very few people don't have somebody in their life who is so somebody in their life who is so somebody in their life who is so impacted. And it's a very impacted. And it's a very impacted. And it's a very uh challenging and disorienting dynamic uh challenging and disorienting dynamic uh challenging and disorienting dynamic in which it's unclear how to interact in which it's unclear how to interact in which it's unclear how to interact with that person. Certainly, you don't with that person. Certainly, you don't with that person. Certainly, you don't want to enable their behavior, but if want to enable their behavior, but if want to enable their behavior, but if you care about this person, you feel you care about this person, you feel you care about this person, you feel responsible for them and compelled to responsible for them and compelled to responsible for them and compelled to intervene on their behalf. And so, what intervene on their behalf. And so, what intervene on their behalf. And so, what you see is a lot of well-intentioned you see is a lot of well-intentioned you see is a lot of well-intentioned efforts uh to get a person to get sober. efforts uh to get a person to get sober. efforts uh to get a person to get sober. Um most of which don't work out. And Um most of which don't work out. And Um most of which don't work out. And generally, that involves the generally, that involves the generally, that involves the transgression of all kinds of transgression of all kinds of transgression of all kinds of boundaries. boundaries. boundaries. It's simple to say if somebody is in It's simple to say if somebody is in It's simple to say if somebody is in throws of addiction, your job is to throws of addiction, your job is to throws of addiction, your job is to basically recede from that person. Set a basically recede from that person. Set a basically recede from that person. Set a hard boundary and do nothing that will hard boundary and do nothing that will hard boundary and do nothing that will enable that behavior. But let's say that enable that behavior. But let's say that enable that behavior. But let's say that person is your child or your partner or person is your child or your partner or person is your child or your partner or your spouse. This becomes easy to say your spouse. This becomes easy to say your spouse. This becomes easy to say and very difficult to do. That puts the and very difficult to do. That puts the and very difficult to do. That puts the person in a vulnerable situation in person in a vulnerable situation in person in a vulnerable situation in which they end up which they end up which they end up conceding to the addict's behavior in a conceding to the addict's behavior in a conceding to the addict's behavior in a way that is not only harmful to the way that is not only harmful to the way that is not only harmful to the addict but also to the harmful to the addict but also to the harmful to the addict but also to the harmful to the well-intentioned person who's trying to well-intentioned person who's trying to well-intentioned person who's trying to help that person. And so, while there's help that person. And so, while there's help that person. And so, while there's no easy answer to all of this, uh the no easy answer to all of this, uh the no easy answer to all of this, uh the the TLDDR of it is that you can love the TLDDR of it is that you can love the TLDDR of it is that you can love that person deeply while also setting a that person deeply while also setting a that person deeply while also setting a boundary that cannot be transgressed. boundary that cannot be transgressed. boundary that cannot be transgressed. Sometimes you have to give them the hard Sometimes you have to give them the hard Sometimes you have to give them the hard truth and remove yourself from any kind truth and remove yourself from any kind truth and remove yourself from any kind of relationship dynamic with that of relationship dynamic with that of relationship dynamic with that person. And what you will find is that person. And what you will find is that person. And what you will find is that often times that might facilitate the often times that might facilitate the often times that might facilitate the rock bottom that gives them that that rock bottom that gives them that that rock bottom that gives them that that injection of willingness to actually do injection of willingness to actually do injection of willingness to actually do something about their situation because something about their situation because something about their situation because you've created a consequence for a you've created a consequence for a you've created a consequence for a transgression of that boundary. But transgression of that boundary. But transgression of that boundary. But every case is different. I guess I would every case is different. I guess I would every case is different. I guess I would say that the notion that you're going to say that the notion that you're going to say that the notion that you're going to stage an intervention and you're going stage an intervention and you're going stage an intervention and you're going to surround this person who's hurting to surround this person who's hurting to surround this person who's hurting with their loved ones and you're going with their loved ones and you're going with their loved ones and you're going to get them into a program and that to get them into a program and that to get them into a program and that program is going to fix them and they're program is going to fix them and they're program is going to fix them and they're going to come out and be fine. Uh well, going to come out and be fine. Uh well, going to come out and be fine. Uh well, that does work on occasion. that does work on occasion. that does work on occasion. oftentimes, if not most of the time, it oftentimes, if not most of the time, it oftentimes, if not most of the time, it doesn't because it presupposes the doesn't because it presupposes the doesn't because it presupposes the willingness that is required in that willingness that is required in that willingness that is required in that person in order to make sobriety person in order to make sobriety person in order to make sobriety actually stick. Because you really can't actually stick. Because you really can't actually stick. Because you really can't get sober for somebody else. You have to get sober for somebody else. You have to get sober for somebody else. You have to want it yourself. The program works not want it yourself. The program works not want it yourself. The program works not for people who need it, but for people for people who need it, but for people for people who need it, but for people that want it. And you can't instill that that want it. And you can't instill that that want it. And you can't instill that want just like you can't instill want just like you can't instill want just like you can't instill willingness in that person which makes willingness in that person which makes willingness in that person which makes it difficult when you're a bystander, a it difficult when you're a bystander, a it difficult when you're a bystander, a loved one bystander loved one bystander loved one bystander uh observing somebody who's spiraling uh observing somebody who's spiraling uh observing somebody who's spiraling out of control and you can see what they out of control and you can see what they out of control and you can see what they need to do in order to fix the problem need to do in order to fix the problem need to do in order to fix the problem and you're just flumxed at why they and you're just flumxed at why they and you're just flumxed at why they can't see it themselves or do anything can't see it themselves or do anything can't see it themselves or do anything about it. And so what you do is you end about it. And so what you do is you end about it. And so what you do is you end up putting yourself in an enabling up putting yourself in an enabling up putting yourself in an enabling position where you're preventing them position where you're preventing them position where you're preventing them from falling as far as they could. Um from falling as far as they could. Um from falling as far as they could. Um you know catching them when they're you know catching them when they're you know catching them when they're falling and softening the blow. Uh and falling and softening the blow. Uh and falling and softening the blow. Uh and sometimes sometimes sometimes that's what you got to do because you that's what you got to do because you that's what you got to do because you can't can't can't live with yourself uh just watching them live with yourself uh just watching them live with yourself uh just watching them descend into the darkness. But at the descend into the darkness. But at the descend into the darkness. But at the same time, it's important to understand same time, it's important to understand same time, it's important to understand that that's not always what's going to that that's not always what's going to that that's not always what's going to solve the problem. And generally, it solve the problem. And generally, it solve the problem. And generally, it won't. The person who is suffering has won't. The person who is suffering has won't. The person who is suffering has to to to get to that point where the pain of get to that point where the pain of get to that point where the pain of their circumstances exceeds the fear of their circumstances exceeds the fear of their circumstances exceeds the fear of doing something different. And you doing something different. And you doing something different. And you cannot ferment that in somebody. They cannot ferment that in somebody. They cannot ferment that in somebody. They have to arrive upon it themselves. And have to arrive upon it themselves. And have to arrive upon it themselves. And so when someone is in the throws of so when someone is in the throws of so when someone is in the throws of addiction or a relapse, they have to addiction or a relapse, they have to addiction or a relapse, they have to meet the consequences of those actions meet the consequences of those actions meet the consequences of those actions as an inciting incident to provoke that as an inciting incident to provoke that as an inciting incident to provoke that degree of willingness. degree of willingness. degree of willingness. Here is the dilemma. When you choose Here is the dilemma. When you choose Here is the dilemma. When you choose headphones, you usually have to decide. headphones, you usually have to decide. headphones, you usually have to decide. 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Visit shocks.com and use code rich roll to shocks.com and use code rich roll to shocks.com and use code rich roll to receive an exclusive offer on your receive an exclusive offer on your receive an exclusive offer on your purchase. So, my family and I, we take food waste So, my family and I, we take food waste very seriously and we do the right very seriously and we do the right very seriously and we do the right things, or at least we try to. But if things, or at least we try to. But if things, or at least we try to. But if you're somebody who's ever composted, you're somebody who's ever composted, you're somebody who's ever composted, then uh you know the reality. It can get then uh you know the reality. It can get then uh you know the reality. It can get messy. It can get smelly and it does messy. It can get smelly and it does messy. It can get smelly and it does take a lot more effort than I think take a lot more effort than I think take a lot more effort than I think people realize or that you would like to people realize or that you would like to people realize or that you would like to admit. But here comes Mill and it's this admit. But here comes Mill and it's this admit. But here comes Mill and it's this beautiful fully automated food recycler beautiful fully automated food recycler beautiful fully automated food recycler and it's changed the game for us. Now and it's changed the game for us. Now and it's changed the game for us. Now scraps, leftovers, even things like scraps, leftovers, even things like scraps, leftovers, even things like avocado pits just go right into our avocado pits just go right into our avocado pits just go right into our mill. And while we sleep, it quietly mill. And while we sleep, it quietly mill. And while we sleep, it quietly turns it all into dry, odorless, shelf turns it all into dry, odorless, shelf turns it all into dry, odorless, shelf stable grounds. No more bags and no more stable grounds. No more bags and no more stable grounds. No more bags and no more compost smells creeping into the living compost smells creeping into the living compost smells creeping into the living room, which really matters in our open room, which really matters in our open room, which really matters in our open floor plan. And I think the thing that floor plan. And I think the thing that floor plan. And I think the thing that surprised me the most about the mill is surprised me the most about the mill is surprised me the most about the mill is just how much cleaner and simpler our just how much cleaner and simpler our just how much cleaner and simpler our routine feels now. Fridge cleanouts routine feels now. Fridge cleanouts routine feels now. Fridge cleanouts don't stress me out anymore. The kitchen don't stress me out anymore. The kitchen don't stress me out anymore. The kitchen stays fresh and looks great in the stays fresh and looks great in the stays fresh and looks great in the kitchen, too. Try Mill risk-f free for kitchen, too. Try Mill risk-f free for kitchen, too. Try Mill risk-f free for 90 days and get $75 off at mill.com/rich 90 days and get $75 off at mill.com/rich 90 days and get $75 off at mill.com/rich roll and use code rich roll at checkout. Addicts tend to be very good Addicts tend to be very good storytellers, but you can't narrate storytellers, but you can't narrate storytellers, but you can't narrate yourself into innocence or absolution. yourself into innocence or absolution. yourself into innocence or absolution. It's a program of action. And so when It's a program of action. And so when It's a program of action. And so when somebody comes into the program broken, somebody comes into the program broken, somebody comes into the program broken, confused, unable to modify their confused, unable to modify their confused, unable to modify their behavior, aware that they need to change behavior, aware that they need to change behavior, aware that they need to change but confused as to how to do that. Uh but confused as to how to do that. Uh but confused as to how to do that. Uh just walking in the door of let's say an just walking in the door of let's say an just walking in the door of let's say an AA meeting is an important first step. AA meeting is an important first step. AA meeting is an important first step. But But But self-awareness will avail you nothing self-awareness will avail you nothing self-awareness will avail you nothing without understanding that sobriety is without understanding that sobriety is without understanding that sobriety is built upon taking contrary action. And built upon taking contrary action. And built upon taking contrary action. And the first the first the first contrary action is to understand that contrary action is to understand that contrary action is to understand that your brain, the brain that created the your brain, the brain that created the your brain, the brain that created the problem is illsuited to solve the problem is illsuited to solve the problem is illsuited to solve the problem. The solution rests in the hands problem. The solution rests in the hands problem. The solution rests in the hands of others. So the first thing is of others. So the first thing is of others. So the first thing is recognizing that you cannot do this recognizing that you cannot do this recognizing that you cannot do this alone. Raising your hand, asking for alone. Raising your hand, asking for alone. Raising your hand, asking for help, and then accepting help when it's help, and then accepting help when it's help, and then accepting help when it's offered. And that's very difficult for offered. And that's very difficult for offered. And that's very difficult for most addicts because addicts are not most addicts because addicts are not most addicts because addicts are not trusting people. Most of them have had a trusting people. Most of them have had a trusting people. Most of them have had a challenging relationship with trust in challenging relationship with trust in challenging relationship with trust in the past where their trust has been the past where their trust has been the past where their trust has been betrayed. And we tend to isolate. We betrayed. And we tend to isolate. We betrayed. And we tend to isolate. We tend to believe that only we can solve tend to believe that only we can solve tend to believe that only we can solve our problem. There's this sense of our problem. There's this sense of our problem. There's this sense of terminal uniqueness. You don't terminal uniqueness. You don't terminal uniqueness. You don't understand my life. You don't understand understand my life. You don't understand understand my life. You don't understand how difficult my problems are. They're how difficult my problems are. They're how difficult my problems are. They're so much worse than you can possibly so much worse than you can possibly so much worse than you can possibly imagine. And then layer on top of that imagine. And then layer on top of that imagine. And then layer on top of that just a huge amount of guilt and shame just a huge amount of guilt and shame just a huge amount of guilt and shame for for for what they have done. Uh and that what they have done. Uh and that what they have done. Uh and that fuels the isolation like I can't fuels the isolation like I can't fuels the isolation like I can't possibly tell somebody how I'm actually possibly tell somebody how I'm actually possibly tell somebody how I'm actually behaving or or or what I did. It's I'm behaving or or or what I did. It's I'm behaving or or or what I did. It's I'm so ashamed of it. I just have to figure so ashamed of it. I just have to figure so ashamed of it. I just have to figure out how to solve this myself because the out how to solve this myself because the out how to solve this myself because the prospect of opening up, letting somebody prospect of opening up, letting somebody prospect of opening up, letting somebody else in who, you know, I already have else in who, you know, I already have else in who, you know, I already have trust issues and trusting them to guide trust issues and trusting them to guide trust issues and trusting them to guide me or help me uh is a terrifying me or help me uh is a terrifying me or help me uh is a terrifying prospect and and that's what keeps a lot prospect and and that's what keeps a lot prospect and and that's what keeps a lot of people um out of the rooms of of people um out of the rooms of of people um out of the rooms of sobriety because of that fear of letting sobriety because of that fear of letting sobriety because of that fear of letting somebody in. So, I think it's important somebody in. So, I think it's important somebody in. So, I think it's important to understand that for the addict that's to understand that for the addict that's to understand that for the addict that's suffering, for them to raise their hand suffering, for them to raise their hand suffering, for them to raise their hand and actually acknowledge that they need and actually acknowledge that they need and actually acknowledge that they need help and to accept that help is help and to accept that help is help and to accept that help is actually a great act of courage because actually a great act of courage because actually a great act of courage because they have to overcome all of that guilt they have to overcome all of that guilt they have to overcome all of that guilt and that shame and that fear of being and that shame and that fear of being and that shame and that fear of being judged. There is this profound sense of judged. There is this profound sense of judged. There is this profound sense of just being just being just being an absolute piece of [ __ ] Like, you're an absolute piece of [ __ ] Like, you're an absolute piece of [ __ ] Like, you're the worst person in the world. you are the worst person in the world. you are the worst person in the world. you are beyond the ability uh of being helped by beyond the ability uh of being helped by beyond the ability uh of being helped by anyone else and it's just impossible to anyone else and it's just impossible to anyone else and it's just impossible to fess up to that to somebody else. Well, fess up to that to somebody else. Well, fess up to that to somebody else. Well, at the same time, interestingly, this is at the same time, interestingly, this is at the same time, interestingly, this is a this is a a unique twist of of the a this is a a unique twist of of the a this is a a unique twist of of the alcoholic mind, alcoholic mind, alcoholic mind, that same person who feels like the that same person who feels like the that same person who feels like the worst person in the world and just worst person in the world and just worst person in the world and just completely irredeemable completely irredeemable completely irredeemable generally also generally also generally also happens to have a tremendous amount of happens to have a tremendous amount of happens to have a tremendous amount of grandiosity. grandiosity. grandiosity. Uh only I can solve my problem. My Uh only I can solve my problem. My Uh only I can solve my problem. My problems are the worst. They're so much problems are the worst. They're so much problems are the worst. They're so much more extreme. Like there's this huge ego more extreme. Like there's this huge ego more extreme. Like there's this huge ego piece like I'm so much worse off than piece like I'm so much worse off than piece like I'm so much worse off than everybody else but I'm also like the everybody else but I'm also like the everybody else but I'm also like the only one who can fix this and like I can only one who can fix this and like I can only one who can fix this and like I can get away with this or I can behave this get away with this or I can behave this get away with this or I can behave this way and still do X Y or Z. So, it's this way and still do X Y or Z. So, it's this way and still do X Y or Z. So, it's this bizarre uh combination of these two bizarre uh combination of these two bizarre uh combination of these two mindsets that inhabit the addict's brain mindsets that inhabit the addict's brain mindsets that inhabit the addict's brain that seem to operate that seem to operate that seem to operate in parallel even though they're in in parallel even though they're in in parallel even though they're in opposition to each other. So when the opposition to each other. So when the opposition to each other. So when the person comes into the program, they have person comes into the program, they have person comes into the program, they have to be humbled, disabused of this egoic to be humbled, disabused of this egoic to be humbled, disabused of this egoic uh sense of entitlement and grandiosity uh sense of entitlement and grandiosity uh sense of entitlement and grandiosity while also being held in a while also being held in a while also being held in a non-judgmental way such that the person non-judgmental way such that the person non-judgmental way such that the person feels safe that they can open up. So feels safe that they can open up. So feels safe that they can open up. So when you look at somebody like Shia when you look at somebody like Shia when you look at somebody like Shia Labuff and you know I'm not going to Labuff and you know I'm not going to Labuff and you know I'm not going to armchair psychize this person that I armchair psychize this person that I armchair psychize this person that I don't know. What would motivate somebody don't know. What would motivate somebody don't know. What would motivate somebody with so much to lose to behave in this with so much to lose to behave in this with so much to lose to behave in this way? Fundamentally, often times it's way? Fundamentally, often times it's way? Fundamentally, often times it's because there is a deep-seated sense of because there is a deep-seated sense of because there is a deep-seated sense of unworthiness. unworthiness. unworthiness. Uh often Uh often Uh often generated by some degree of childhood generated by some degree of childhood generated by some degree of childhood trauma or some series of experiences trauma or some series of experiences trauma or some series of experiences earlier in their life when they were earlier in their life when they were earlier in their life when they were meant to feel unworthy or undeserving. meant to feel unworthy or undeserving. meant to feel unworthy or undeserving. And that's when the substances come into And that's when the substances come into And that's when the substances come into play to to basically medicate that so play to to basically medicate that so play to to basically medicate that so that they feel comfortable in their own that they feel comfortable in their own that they feel comfortable in their own skin. And perhaps that partially skin. And perhaps that partially skin. And perhaps that partially explains the notion of these two explains the notion of these two explains the notion of these two opposing emotional dispositions that are opposing emotional dispositions that are opposing emotional dispositions that are um common in the addict and the um common in the addict and the um common in the addict and the alcoholic. So when someone comes in the alcoholic. So when someone comes in the alcoholic. So when someone comes in the room, you have to create room, you have to create room, you have to create a welcome mat, a place of non-judgment a welcome mat, a place of non-judgment a welcome mat, a place of non-judgment where they feel safe to engage in this where they feel safe to engage in this where they feel safe to engage in this process of recovery while also process of recovery while also process of recovery while also disabusing them of their grandiosity and disabusing them of their grandiosity and disabusing them of their grandiosity and their egoic impulses uh to provide them their egoic impulses uh to provide them their egoic impulses uh to provide them with a sense of accountability with a sense of accountability with a sense of accountability and an appreciation for the consequences and an appreciation for the consequences and an appreciation for the consequences of their behavior. But in order to get of their behavior. But in order to get of their behavior. But in order to get sober, you have to create a degree of sober, you have to create a degree of sober, you have to create a degree of non-judgment for that person to open up non-judgment for that person to open up non-judgment for that person to open up and create this crucible of trust um for and create this crucible of trust um for and create this crucible of trust um for them to engage with the steps to them to engage with the steps to them to engage with the steps to basically basically basically uh engage in truthtelling to open up uh engage in truthtelling to open up uh engage in truthtelling to open up about how they're actually behaving, how about how they're actually behaving, how about how they're actually behaving, how they're actually feeling, to get more they're actually feeling, to get more they're actually feeling, to get more connected with their body and with their connected with their body and with their connected with their body and with their um emotional self. uh so that we can get um emotional self. uh so that we can get um emotional self. uh so that we can get to a place of rigorous self honesty to a place of rigorous self honesty to a place of rigorous self honesty because until you engage in rigorous because until you engage in rigorous because until you engage in rigorous self honesty everything else is theater self honesty everything else is theater self honesty everything else is theater and so when I look at this channel 5 and so when I look at this channel 5 and so when I look at this channel 5 interview I see a lot of theater I see a interview I see a lot of theater I see a interview I see a lot of theater I see a lot of justification I see a lot of lot of justification I see a lot of lot of justification I see a lot of linguistically talented gymnastics to linguistically talented gymnastics to linguistically talented gymnastics to kind of charismatically acknowledge uh kind of charismatically acknowledge uh kind of charismatically acknowledge uh behavior while also sidest stepping the behavior while also sidest stepping the behavior while also sidest stepping the responsibility piece in a way that responsibility piece in a way that responsibility piece in a way that leaves the viewer perhaps perhaps uh leaves the viewer perhaps perhaps uh leaves the viewer perhaps perhaps uh with a misunderstanding about what is with a misunderstanding about what is with a misunderstanding about what is actually going on with this person right actually going on with this person right actually going on with this person right now who's clearly spiraling out of now who's clearly spiraling out of now who's clearly spiraling out of control and in need of help and on some control and in need of help and on some control and in need of help and on some level perhaps decided to do this level perhaps decided to do this level perhaps decided to do this interview as a as a unconscious or interview as a as a unconscious or interview as a as a unconscious or subconscious um call for help. And my subconscious um call for help. And my subconscious um call for help. And my hope is that he finds that help and he hope is that he finds that help and he hope is that he finds that help and he can get into a situation where he can can get into a situation where he can can get into a situation where he can engage in that degree of rigorous engage in that degree of rigorous engage in that degree of rigorous selfhonesty uh to repair the wreckage selfhonesty uh to repair the wreckage selfhonesty uh to repair the wreckage that that he's reaped recently uh and that that he's reaped recently uh and that that he's reaped recently uh and begin to assemble the pieces uh of his begin to assemble the pieces uh of his begin to assemble the pieces uh of his life and and rebuild a relationship with life and and rebuild a relationship with life and and rebuild a relationship with sobriety. I believe in change. I believe sobriety. I believe in change. I believe sobriety. I believe in change. I believe that this is possible. I've seen it so that this is possible. I've seen it so that this is possible. I've seen it so many times. It's happened in my life. many times. It's happened in my life. many times. It's happened in my life. People say people don't change. I think People say people don't change. I think People say people don't change. I think that's [ __ ] Nobody is irredeemable. that's [ __ ] Nobody is irredeemable. that's [ __ ] Nobody is irredeemable. We have to create a an on-ramp for We have to create a an on-ramp for We have to create a an on-ramp for people like this um to be redeemed, but people like this um to be redeemed, but people like this um to be redeemed, but that doesn't mean that we're we're we're that doesn't mean that we're we're we're that doesn't mean that we're we're we're allowing them to skirt the consequences. allowing them to skirt the consequences. allowing them to skirt the consequences. The consequences piece is a very The consequences piece is a very The consequences piece is a very important component in that redemption important component in that redemption important component in that redemption arc. Somebody has to actually take arc. Somebody has to actually take arc. Somebody has to actually take responsibility, face those consequences, responsibility, face those consequences, responsibility, face those consequences, walk through them, and do the heavy walk through them, and do the heavy walk through them, and do the heavy lifting of repairing trust with the lifting of repairing trust with the lifting of repairing trust with the people they care about quietly behind people they care about quietly behind people they care about quietly behind the scenes. And that only happens not the scenes. And that only happens not the scenes. And that only happens not through words or acknowledgement or you through words or acknowledgement or you through words or acknowledgement or you know like verbal uh self-awareness but know like verbal uh self-awareness but know like verbal uh self-awareness but instead through a series of consistent instead through a series of consistent instead through a series of consistent right action over an extremely extended right action over an extremely extended right action over an extremely extended period of time. period of time. period of time. Trust that's broken isn't repaired Trust that's broken isn't repaired Trust that's broken isn't repaired easily. It can be repaired but it just easily. It can be repaired but it just easily. It can be repaired but it just takes a very long time. And if the takes a very long time. And if the takes a very long time. And if the person is truly interested in redeeming person is truly interested in redeeming person is truly interested in redeeming themselves, they have to recede into the themselves, they have to recede into the themselves, they have to recede into the background, do this work, and do it background, do this work, and do it background, do this work, and do it quietly and do it without expectations quietly and do it without expectations quietly and do it without expectations of anything other than that they get of anything other than that they get of anything other than that they get another day to hit the pillow without another day to hit the pillow without another day to hit the pillow without picking up. That's it. I also want to picking up. That's it. I also want to picking up. That's it. I also want to say a few words about relapse itself. I say a few words about relapse itself. I say a few words about relapse itself. I think there is this uh misplaced notion think there is this uh misplaced notion think there is this uh misplaced notion that if somebody relapses that they have that if somebody relapses that they have that if somebody relapses that they have completely failed. But in my experience, completely failed. But in my experience, completely failed. But in my experience, my personal experience and in my my personal experience and in my my personal experience and in my experience uh in the recovery community, experience uh in the recovery community, experience uh in the recovery community, relapse more often than not is a part of relapse more often than not is a part of relapse more often than not is a part of the recovery equation. Most people the recovery equation. Most people the recovery equation. Most people relapse, most people go out at some relapse, most people go out at some relapse, most people go out at some point. And so what's astonishing point. And so what's astonishing point. And so what's astonishing uh when somebody goes out isn't that uh when somebody goes out isn't that uh when somebody goes out isn't that they went out. What's astonishing is all they went out. What's astonishing is all they went out. What's astonishing is all the days that they didn't go out because the days that they didn't go out because the days that they didn't go out because the addict or the alcoholic all they the addict or the alcoholic all they the addict or the alcoholic all they want to do is use. And so every day that want to do is use. And so every day that want to do is use. And so every day that they don't, that's a miracle. Relapse is they don't, that's a miracle. Relapse is they don't, that's a miracle. Relapse is more commonplace than people realize. more commonplace than people realize. more commonplace than people realize. And sometimes it can actually improve And sometimes it can actually improve And sometimes it can actually improve that person's relationship with recovery that person's relationship with recovery that person's relationship with recovery because it gives them a heavy dose of because it gives them a heavy dose of because it gives them a heavy dose of just how powerful just how powerful just how powerful um the pull of addiction can be. When um the pull of addiction can be. When um the pull of addiction can be. When you start to take your sobriety for you start to take your sobriety for you start to take your sobriety for granted and then you relapse, there's a granted and then you relapse, there's a granted and then you relapse, there's a recognition uh of powerlessness that I recognition uh of powerlessness that I recognition uh of powerlessness that I think can inform a deeper connection think can inform a deeper connection think can inform a deeper connection with recovery going forward. I know in with recovery going forward. I know in with recovery going forward. I know in my own personal story uh as somebody my own personal story uh as somebody my own personal story uh as somebody who's been sober for a little while that who's been sober for a little while that who's been sober for a little while that I came into the rooms of recovery on the I came into the rooms of recovery on the I came into the rooms of recovery on the heels of two consecutive DUIs. Two DUIs heels of two consecutive DUIs. Two DUIs heels of two consecutive DUIs. Two DUIs that I got in a period of about 6 weeks that I got in a period of about 6 weeks that I got in a period of about 6 weeks blowing insanely high blood alcohol blowing insanely high blood alcohol blowing insanely high blood alcohol levels. One of which involved a car levels. One of which involved a car levels. One of which involved a car accident. Both involved me going to accident. Both involved me going to accident. Both involved me going to jail. and together meant that I was not jail. and together meant that I was not jail. and together meant that I was not only going to get my driver's license only going to get my driver's license only going to get my driver's license revoked, but that I was definitely going revoked, but that I was definitely going revoked, but that I was definitely going to going to go to jail for an extended to going to go to jail for an extended to going to go to jail for an extended period of time. I was courtmandated to period of time. I was courtmandated to period of time. I was courtmandated to go into AA. I didn't want to. Uh but go into AA. I didn't want to. Uh but go into AA. I didn't want to. Uh but circumstances being as they were, uh I circumstances being as they were, uh I circumstances being as they were, uh I didn't really have a choice. And I can didn't really have a choice. And I can didn't really have a choice. And I can just remember the fear and the shame of just remember the fear and the shame of just remember the fear and the shame of of walking into these rooms. Uh, the of walking into these rooms. Uh, the of walking into these rooms. Uh, the only relationship I had previously with only relationship I had previously with only relationship I had previously with was what I saw on television in movies. was what I saw on television in movies. was what I saw on television in movies. A bunch of trenchcoated, you know, kind A bunch of trenchcoated, you know, kind A bunch of trenchcoated, you know, kind of decrepit men talking about their of decrepit men talking about their of decrepit men talking about their problems in some dank, smoky church problems in some dank, smoky church problems in some dank, smoky church basement. Uh, and what I discovered basement. Uh, and what I discovered basement. Uh, and what I discovered instead was an incredibly vibrant and instead was an incredibly vibrant and instead was an incredibly vibrant and positive, smiling group of seemingly positive, smiling group of seemingly positive, smiling group of seemingly high functioning individuals. But I was high functioning individuals. But I was high functioning individuals. But I was in so much shame that I couldn't look in so much shame that I couldn't look in so much shame that I couldn't look anyone in the eye. I remember purposely anyone in the eye. I remember purposely anyone in the eye. I remember purposely arriving to those early meetings late, arriving to those early meetings late, arriving to those early meetings late, leaving early, uh trying not to engage leaving early, uh trying not to engage leaving early, uh trying not to engage with anyone, not trusting anybody who with anyone, not trusting anybody who with anyone, not trusting anybody who came up to me to ask me what my name was came up to me to ask me what my name was came up to me to ask me what my name was or any of that. Like I just didn't want or any of that. Like I just didn't want or any of that. Like I just didn't want anything to do with it at all. Uh I knew anything to do with it at all. Uh I knew anything to do with it at all. Uh I knew that I needed help. I wasn't ready to that I needed help. I wasn't ready to that I needed help. I wasn't ready to receive help. And so I would say that receive help. And so I would say that receive help. And so I would say that that phase would be characterized as that phase would be characterized as that phase would be characterized as being a tourist in AA. Like I kind of being a tourist in AA. Like I kind of being a tourist in AA. Like I kind of heard about the steps and I listened to heard about the steps and I listened to heard about the steps and I listened to the people share their stories about the people share their stories about the people share their stories about what happened and what they did and what what happened and what they did and what what happened and what they did and what it's like now. And I kind of got it it's like now. And I kind of got it it's like now. And I kind of got it intellectually and I kind of understood intellectually and I kind of understood intellectually and I kind of understood how these steps might how these steps might how these steps might move my life forward, but that didn't move my life forward, but that didn't move my life forward, but that didn't mean that I modified my behavior at all. mean that I modified my behavior at all. mean that I modified my behavior at all. And as a result, for many, many months, And as a result, for many, many months, And as a result, for many, many months, I was in and out. And I'd be able to I was in and out. And I'd be able to I was in and out. And I'd be able to stay sober for a week or maybe 3 days or stay sober for a week or maybe 3 days or stay sober for a week or maybe 3 days or maybe two weeks or once in a while for a maybe two weeks or once in a while for a maybe two weeks or once in a while for a month, but inevitably I would relapse month, but inevitably I would relapse month, but inevitably I would relapse and come back. It's a longer story, but and come back. It's a longer story, but and come back. It's a longer story, but the upshot of it was that I didn't the upshot of it was that I didn't the upshot of it was that I didn't actually begin to engage with recovery actually begin to engage with recovery actually begin to engage with recovery until the aftermath of a relapse that until the aftermath of a relapse that until the aftermath of a relapse that left me waking up the next day in a left me waking up the next day in a left me waking up the next day in a sufficient amount of pain in which I was sufficient amount of pain in which I was sufficient amount of pain in which I was blessed with a degree of willingness to blessed with a degree of willingness to blessed with a degree of willingness to do something different. And that set in do something different. And that set in do something different. And that set in motion this domino effect of actions and motion this domino effect of actions and motion this domino effect of actions and behaviors that very slowly and over an behaviors that very slowly and over an behaviors that very slowly and over an extremely long period of time extremely long period of time extremely long period of time repaired my life. It began with a 100 repaired my life. It began with a 100 repaired my life. It began with a 100 days in a treatment center in which I days in a treatment center in which I days in a treatment center in which I was introduced to these ideas and it was was introduced to these ideas and it was was introduced to these ideas and it was impressed upon me just how vital uh impressed upon me just how vital uh impressed upon me just how vital uh understanding these tools and beginning understanding these tools and beginning understanding these tools and beginning to practice them uh was to whether or to practice them uh was to whether or to practice them uh was to whether or not I was going to be able to not only not I was going to be able to not only not I was going to be able to not only stay sober but actually live. Like my stay sober but actually live. Like my stay sober but actually live. Like my life was truly on the line. And I had a life was truly on the line. And I had a life was truly on the line. And I had a degree of desperateness. And for the degree of desperateness. And for the degree of desperateness. And for the first time, I had the timmerity and the first time, I had the timmerity and the first time, I had the timmerity and the courage to actually tell other people courage to actually tell other people courage to actually tell other people what I was thinking, how I was feeling, what I was thinking, how I was feeling, what I was thinking, how I was feeling, and how I was behaving. And that really and how I was behaving. And that really and how I was behaving. And that really was the beginning of understanding the was the beginning of understanding the was the beginning of understanding the power of recovery and the power of the power of recovery and the power of the power of recovery and the power of the recovery community. And it's been recovery community. And it's been recovery community. And it's been decades since then. But every good thing decades since then. But every good thing decades since then. But every good thing in my life, everything that I have in my life, everything that I have in my life, everything that I have accomplished, every success or peak accomplished, every success or peak accomplished, every success or peak experience that I've ever had is solely experience that I've ever had is solely experience that I've ever had is solely attributable to the fact that I was able attributable to the fact that I was able attributable to the fact that I was able to get sober and create a foundation of to get sober and create a foundation of to get sober and create a foundation of sobriety. Full stop. I do not get to sobriety. Full stop. I do not get to sobriety. Full stop. I do not get to even be alive, let alone have have the even be alive, let alone have have the even be alive, let alone have have the life that I have today had those life that I have today had those life that I have today had those experiences not happened. But my experiences not happened. But my experiences not happened. But my sobriety has not been linear. It's been sobriety has not been linear. It's been sobriety has not been linear. It's been up and down. And I've had my challenges up and down. And I've had my challenges up and down. And I've had my challenges along the way because it's not a linear along the way because it's not a linear along the way because it's not a linear thing. Human beings are messy. We're thing. Human beings are messy. We're thing. Human beings are messy. We're emotional animals. And once I was able emotional animals. And once I was able emotional animals. And once I was able to establish physical sobriety, uh I to establish physical sobriety, uh I to establish physical sobriety, uh I then had to contend with emotional then had to contend with emotional then had to contend with emotional sobriety. And short of having my crutch sobriety. And short of having my crutch sobriety. And short of having my crutch in the form of substances to manage in the form of substances to manage in the form of substances to manage those emotions, I then had to figure out those emotions, I then had to figure out those emotions, I then had to figure out how to deal with them on my own. How to how to deal with them on my own. How to how to deal with them on my own. How to sit in my discomfort and process all of sit in my discomfort and process all of sit in my discomfort and process all of that. And that is messy business and to that. And that is messy business and to that. And that is messy business and to this day something I am far from having this day something I am far from having this day something I am far from having mastered. Uh and so perhaps mastered. Uh and so perhaps mastered. Uh and so perhaps understanding that might give you uh a understanding that might give you uh a understanding that might give you uh a degree of empathy or understanding for degree of empathy or understanding for degree of empathy or understanding for the addict who who who is suffering who the addict who who who is suffering who the addict who who who is suffering who even in physical sobriety reaches a even in physical sobriety reaches a even in physical sobriety reaches a point where their emotional discomfort point where their emotional discomfort point where their emotional discomfort is so severe that it leads them out the is so severe that it leads them out the is so severe that it leads them out the door and into yet another relapse. And door and into yet another relapse. And door and into yet another relapse. And so I suppose I would say that if you so I suppose I would say that if you so I suppose I would say that if you have somebody that you care about, a have somebody that you care about, a have somebody that you care about, a loved one who is suffering and you feel loved one who is suffering and you feel loved one who is suffering and you feel um confused about how to help this um confused about how to help this um confused about how to help this person, uh because you're conflating person, uh because you're conflating person, uh because you're conflating your love with them with your capacity your love with them with your capacity your love with them with your capacity to help them, I would say that it's to help them, I would say that it's to help them, I would say that it's important to let that person know that important to let that person know that important to let that person know that you love them and that you are there for you love them and that you are there for you love them and that you are there for them to support them, but that you're them to support them, but that you're them to support them, but that you're also unavailable for the lies, the also unavailable for the lies, the also unavailable for the lies, the excuses, the justifications, excuses, the justifications, excuses, the justifications, the spinning of elaborate yarns to, you the spinning of elaborate yarns to, you the spinning of elaborate yarns to, you know, kind of like excuse, you know, know, kind of like excuse, you know, know, kind of like excuse, you know, some kind of inexcusable behavior. Uh, some kind of inexcusable behavior. Uh, some kind of inexcusable behavior. Uh, but when they're ready to change, to but when they're ready to change, to but when they're ready to change, to actually change that, you will be the actually change that, you will be the actually change that, you will be the first one there to support them. As long first one there to support them. As long first one there to support them. As long as they know that, like, hey, I'm here as they know that, like, hey, I'm here as they know that, like, hey, I'm here for the solution, not the problem. Uh, for the solution, not the problem. Uh, for the solution, not the problem. Uh, but until you're ready for that, I can't but until you're ready for that, I can't but until you're ready for that, I can't be there for you. So, call me when be there for you. So, call me when be there for you. So, call me when you're ready to get help and I will do you're ready to get help and I will do you're ready to get help and I will do everything in my power to support that. everything in my power to support that. everything in my power to support that. But until then, you're kind of on your But until then, you're kind of on your But until then, you're kind of on your own. So, that's tricky. Again, uh easier own. So, that's tricky. Again, uh easier own. So, that's tricky. Again, uh easier said than done, especially for parents, said than done, especially for parents, said than done, especially for parents, uh, you know, of of a child who is uh, you know, of of a child who is uh, you know, of of a child who is spinning out of control. Um, but I think spinning out of control. Um, but I think spinning out of control. Um, but I think that the general point I'm trying to that the general point I'm trying to that the general point I'm trying to make is you can you can love without make is you can you can love without make is you can you can love without also enabling or being complicit in the also enabling or being complicit in the also enabling or being complicit in the behavior. You love the person, you don't behavior. You love the person, you don't behavior. You love the person, you don't love the behavior. And that's an love the behavior. And that's an love the behavior. And that's an important distinction to make. The important distinction to make. The important distinction to make. The addict as an individual is very addict as an individual is very addict as an individual is very different from the behavior. So they're different from the behavior. So they're different from the behavior. So they're behaving in a certain way that is behaving in a certain way that is behaving in a certain way that is obviously problematic and and that you obviously problematic and and that you obviously problematic and and that you know you don't support and don't love, know you don't support and don't love, know you don't support and don't love, but you can still love the person but you can still love the person but you can still love the person underneath because that person is in the underneath because that person is in the underneath because that person is in the throws of a disease and that behavior throws of a disease and that behavior throws of a disease and that behavior really isn't the true version of that really isn't the true version of that really isn't the true version of that person. So being able to hold a vision person. So being able to hold a vision person. So being able to hold a vision for the best version of that person free for the best version of that person free for the best version of that person free from their addiction is an important from their addiction is an important from their addiction is an important piece while also obviously and very piece while also obviously and very piece while also obviously and very stridently not condoning the behavior. stridently not condoning the behavior. stridently not condoning the behavior. How do you do that? Well, that's the How do you do that? Well, that's the How do you do that? Well, that's the subject of many hours of discussion and subject of many hours of discussion and subject of many hours of discussion and perhaps many volumes of books. But I perhaps many volumes of books. But I perhaps many volumes of books. But I would say it begins with again raising would say it begins with again raising would say it begins with again raising your hand and asking for help. You your hand and asking for help. You your hand and asking for help. You cannot fix this problem alone, but you cannot fix this problem alone, but you cannot fix this problem alone, but you can do it with other people. And so can do it with other people. And so can do it with other people. And so summoning the courage to enlist the summoning the courage to enlist the summoning the courage to enlist the support of somebody else. It could be a support of somebody else. It could be a support of somebody else. It could be a friend. It could be a teacher, a mentor, friend. It could be a teacher, a mentor, friend. It could be a teacher, a mentor, it could be somebody in a more formal it could be somebody in a more formal it could be somebody in a more formal therapeutic session, a psychiatrist, a therapeutic session, a psychiatrist, a therapeutic session, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a therapist. It could be psychologist, a therapist. It could be psychologist, a therapist. It could be within the rooms of recovery. I'm not within the rooms of recovery. I'm not within the rooms of recovery. I'm not here to say, you know, what you should here to say, you know, what you should here to say, you know, what you should do or shouldn't do. uh only to say that do or shouldn't do. uh only to say that do or shouldn't do. uh only to say that you need to find somebody that you can you need to find somebody that you can you need to find somebody that you can talk to, that you trust, that you can be talk to, that you trust, that you can be talk to, that you trust, that you can be honest with, that you can open up with, honest with, that you can open up with, honest with, that you can open up with, and then to allow that person to provide and then to allow that person to provide and then to allow that person to provide you feedback and hold you accountable you feedback and hold you accountable you feedback and hold you accountable for your decisions and your behavior. So for your decisions and your behavior. So for your decisions and your behavior. So the next time you want to indulge in the next time you want to indulge in the next time you want to indulge in that behavior, you check in with that that behavior, you check in with that that behavior, you check in with that person first. Here's what I want to do, person first. Here's what I want to do, person first. Here's what I want to do, or here's what I'm thinking about doing, or here's what I'm thinking about doing, or here's what I'm thinking about doing, or here's what I just did, even though I or here's what I just did, even though I or here's what I just did, even though I told you I wouldn't. That is a told you I wouldn't. That is a told you I wouldn't. That is a fundamental practice uh that is fundamental practice uh that is fundamental practice uh that is essential towards not only the essential towards not only the essential towards not only the self-standing and the accountability self-standing and the accountability self-standing and the accountability piece but to actually end up modifying piece but to actually end up modifying piece but to actually end up modifying that behavior and replacing it with a that behavior and replacing it with a that behavior and replacing it with a better one. better one. better one. Squarespace is the all-in-one website Squarespace is the all-in-one website Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out platform designed to help you stand out platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. There is this gap I and succeed online. There is this gap I and succeed online. There is this gap I think we all experience. The gap between think we all experience. The gap between think we all experience. The gap between having something to offer on the one having something to offer on the one having something to offer on the one hand and actually getting out into the hand and actually getting out into the hand and actually getting out into the world on the other hand. And what lives world on the other hand. And what lives world on the other hand. And what lives in that gap isn't usually talent or in that gap isn't usually talent or in that gap isn't usually talent or vision. It's the operational stuff, the vision. It's the operational stuff, the vision. It's the operational stuff, the website, the payments, the logistics, website, the payments, the logistics, website, the payments, the logistics, and the friction of not knowing how to and the friction of not knowing how to and the friction of not knowing how to figure any of that stuff out. Well, figure any of that stuff out. Well, figure any of that stuff out. 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For a limited time, try Oneskin with 15% off using code rich roll at with 15% off using code rich roll at with 15% off using code rich roll at onkin.co/richroll. Every addict wants to isolate. They Every addict wants to isolate. They don't want to open up to other people. don't want to open up to other people. don't want to open up to other people. they withdraw and again reside in their they withdraw and again reside in their they withdraw and again reside in their minds and try to solve the problem on minds and try to solve the problem on minds and try to solve the problem on their own. Uh this is a way of their own. Uh this is a way of their own. Uh this is a way of secreteping. Uh but when you're keeping secreteping. Uh but when you're keeping secreteping. Uh but when you're keeping secrets, you're not in the solution. And secrets, you're not in the solution. And secrets, you're not in the solution. And the antidote to your problem lies in the antidote to your problem lies in the antidote to your problem lies in transparency and vulnerability, which transparency and vulnerability, which transparency and vulnerability, which means you have to do some truthtelling. means you have to do some truthtelling. means you have to do some truthtelling. you have got to disabuse yourself of you have got to disabuse yourself of you have got to disabuse yourself of your secrets and find somebody to open your secrets and find somebody to open your secrets and find somebody to open up to. Uh and I think around this up to. Uh and I think around this up to. Uh and I think around this creating structure uh so that you're not creating structure uh so that you're not creating structure uh so that you're not isolating so that you're being called isolating so that you're being called isolating so that you're being called out when you're keeping a secret so that out when you're keeping a secret so that out when you're keeping a secret so that you have people in your life who know you have people in your life who know you have people in your life who know you well enough when you start to veer you well enough when you start to veer you well enough when you start to veer off track or engage in unhealthy off track or engage in unhealthy off track or engage in unhealthy behaviors uh to again hold you behaviors uh to again hold you behaviors uh to again hold you accountable so that you can hold accountable so that you can hold accountable so that you can hold yourself accountable eventually. On the yourself accountable eventually. On the yourself accountable eventually. On the subject of weaving your own redemptive, subject of weaving your own redemptive, subject of weaving your own redemptive, you know, narrative arc, you cannot you know, narrative arc, you cannot you know, narrative arc, you cannot craft your own redemption story. What craft your own redemption story. What craft your own redemption story. What you have to do is do the redemptive work you have to do is do the redemptive work you have to do is do the redemptive work over time to rebuild trust with the over time to rebuild trust with the over time to rebuild trust with the people you care about and re and and people you care about and re and and people you care about and re and and rebuild trust with yourself. There's a rebuild trust with yourself. There's a rebuild trust with yourself. There's a saying in the in the rims of recovery, saying in the in the rims of recovery, saying in the in the rims of recovery, you can save your ass or you can save you can save your ass or you can save you can save your ass or you can save your face, but you can't save both. And your face, but you can't save both. And your face, but you can't save both. And if you'd rather spin a manipulative arc if you'd rather spin a manipulative arc if you'd rather spin a manipulative arc that makes you look good, uh you are that makes you look good, uh you are that makes you look good, uh you are engaging in saving your face. If you're engaging in saving your face. If you're engaging in saving your face. If you're worried about what other people think or worried about what other people think or worried about what other people think or you're afraid of how they will perceive you're afraid of how they will perceive you're afraid of how they will perceive you, uh if you tell them your secrets, you, uh if you tell them your secrets, you, uh if you tell them your secrets, uh you are saving face. If you want to uh you are saving face. If you want to uh you are saving face. If you want to save your ass, you have got to just save your ass, you have got to just save your ass, you have got to just vomit out all the uncomfortable truths vomit out all the uncomfortable truths vomit out all the uncomfortable truths and embarrassing stories and humiliating and embarrassing stories and humiliating and embarrassing stories and humiliating uh aspects of of your past behavior and uh aspects of of your past behavior and uh aspects of of your past behavior and then we can begin the process of then we can begin the process of then we can begin the process of repairing your ass. So, it's a choice. repairing your ass. So, it's a choice. repairing your ass. So, it's a choice. If you are putting a veneer over how If you are putting a veneer over how If you are putting a veneer over how you're showing up and communicating with you're showing up and communicating with you're showing up and communicating with these people that you've now raised your these people that you've now raised your these people that you've now raised your hand and are inviting in to help you, hand and are inviting in to help you, hand and are inviting in to help you, you have got to be rigorously honest. you have got to be rigorously honest. you have got to be rigorously honest. Otherwise, you are putting a spin on Otherwise, you are putting a spin on Otherwise, you are putting a spin on your story uh that is anathema to the your story uh that is anathema to the your story uh that is anathema to the work of recovery. Um you have to roll up work of recovery. Um you have to roll up work of recovery. Um you have to roll up your sleeves and get ugly with yourself. your sleeves and get ugly with yourself. your sleeves and get ugly with yourself. And that takes courage. It might be the And that takes courage. It might be the And that takes courage. It might be the most difficult thing that you've ever most difficult thing that you've ever most difficult thing that you've ever done, but it's also incredibly cathartic done, but it's also incredibly cathartic done, but it's also incredibly cathartic and liberating when you release these and liberating when you release these and liberating when you release these things that you have pushed down in things that you have pushed down in things that you have pushed down in shame for so long. Uh it's not until you shame for so long. Uh it's not until you shame for so long. Uh it's not until you release them that you realize the release them that you realize the release them that you realize the weightbearing uh that they have been weightbearing uh that they have been weightbearing uh that they have been doing that has been holding you back doing that has been holding you back doing that has been holding you back from the change and the growth and the from the change and the growth and the from the change and the growth and the evolution and the transformation that is evolution and the transformation that is evolution and the transformation that is available to you. But there's no end run available to you. But there's no end run available to you. But there's no end run around it. It's not optional um this around it. It's not optional um this around it. It's not optional um this process of of rigorous honesty. Uh but process of of rigorous honesty. Uh but process of of rigorous honesty. Uh but it is the path forward. And so to the it is the path forward. And so to the it is the path forward. And so to the addict who is out there, who is still addict who is out there, who is still addict who is out there, who is still suffering, who is harboring that degree suffering, who is harboring that degree suffering, who is harboring that degree of shame, who can't imagine the idea of of shame, who can't imagine the idea of of shame, who can't imagine the idea of sharing uh those deep dark secrets with sharing uh those deep dark secrets with sharing uh those deep dark secrets with anybody else, I'm telling you that anybody else, I'm telling you that anybody else, I'm telling you that you're not alone, that you are not you're not alone, that you are not you're not alone, that you are not terminally unique, that your problems, terminally unique, that your problems, terminally unique, that your problems, as as tragic as they might be, as as as as tragic as they might be, as as as as tragic as they might be, as as difficult as um they may come across, uh difficult as um they may come across, uh difficult as um they may come across, uh they are more commonplace than might they are more commonplace than might they are more commonplace than might imagine. And the sense of connection and imagine. And the sense of connection and imagine. And the sense of connection and community that you will find and community that you will find and community that you will find and discover by opening up and trusting discover by opening up and trusting discover by opening up and trusting another person with those is the path to another person with those is the path to another person with those is the path to not only saving your ass, but is the not only saving your ass, but is the not only saving your ass, but is the solution to your brokenness that will set you on a journey towards wholeness. set you on a journey towards wholeness. If you want to change, stop feeling If you want to change, stop feeling If you want to change, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop asking, "When sorry for yourself. Stop asking, "When sorry for yourself. Stop asking, "When are people going to trust me? Why don't are people going to trust me? Why don't are people going to trust me? Why don't people trust me? Uh, woe is me. Don't people trust me? Uh, woe is me. Don't people trust me? Uh, woe is me. Don't you understand how hard my life is and you understand how hard my life is and you understand how hard my life is and how difficult my problems are? And how difficult my problems are? And how difficult my problems are? And instead, ask yourself what you're going instead, ask yourself what you're going instead, ask yourself what you're going to do differently today. What are you to do differently today. What are you to do differently today. What are you willing to do now that you were willing to do now that you were willing to do now that you were previously unwilling to do? And that's previously unwilling to do? And that's previously unwilling to do? And that's truly as far as your truly as far as your truly as far as your your gaze should be cast because your gaze should be cast because your gaze should be cast because recovery and the redemption that you recovery and the redemption that you recovery and the redemption that you seek is really a function of behavioral seek is really a function of behavioral seek is really a function of behavioral action in the present. You can't change action in the present. You can't change action in the present. You can't change the past. The future is uncertain and the past. The future is uncertain and the past. The future is uncertain and unwritten. All you can do is focus on unwritten. All you can do is focus on unwritten. All you can do is focus on what is happening in the present moment what is happening in the present moment what is happening in the present moment and what you're going to do differently and what you're going to do differently and what you're going to do differently this time than you have historically this time than you have historically this time than you have historically that is going to nudge your life ever so that is going to nudge your life ever so that is going to nudge your life ever so slightly perhaps even imperceptibly in a slightly perhaps even imperceptibly in a slightly perhaps even imperceptibly in a different direction. And this is different direction. And this is different direction. And this is something that you have to repeat something that you have to repeat something that you have to repeat religiously over an extended period of religiously over an extended period of religiously over an extended period of time for a very long time in order to time for a very long time in order to time for a very long time in order to work your life towards those things that work your life towards those things that work your life towards those things that you want which is connection with other you want which is connection with other you want which is connection with other people. trust, a sense of well-being people. trust, a sense of well-being people. trust, a sense of well-being within yourself, a sense of wholeness, within yourself, a sense of wholeness, within yourself, a sense of wholeness, and and and the capacity to be a productive member the capacity to be a productive member the capacity to be a productive member of society who shows up when they say of society who shows up when they say of society who shows up when they say they will, who does what they say they they will, who does what they say they they will, who does what they say they will, and will, and will, and has a chance at pursuing a life of has a chance at pursuing a life of has a chance at pursuing a life of purpose, meaning, satisfaction, purpose, meaning, satisfaction, purpose, meaning, satisfaction, connection, and love. In other words, connection, and love. In other words, connection, and love. In other words, what is the truth that I'm hiding from? what is the truth that I'm hiding from? what is the truth that I'm hiding from? What is the lie that I keep telling What is the lie that I keep telling What is the lie that I keep telling myself? What is the root cause for my myself? What is the root cause for my myself? What is the root cause for my historical reason to refuse help? What historical reason to refuse help? What historical reason to refuse help? What am I afraid of if I open up? And what am I afraid of if I open up? And what am I afraid of if I open up? And what would happen if I could be free of all would happen if I could be free of all would happen if I could be free of all of the shame and the guilt and the of the shame and the guilt and the of the shame and the guilt and the lying? What would life look like? lying? What would life look like? lying? What would life look like? There's a funny thing with addicts. You There's a funny thing with addicts. You There's a funny thing with addicts. You can say to the addict in the throws of can say to the addict in the throws of can say to the addict in the throws of their addiction, uh, if you keep doing their addiction, uh, if you keep doing their addiction, uh, if you keep doing what you're doing, uh, there's only what you're doing, uh, there's only what you're doing, uh, there's only three outcomes. It's either going to be three outcomes. It's either going to be three outcomes. It's either going to be jail, institutionalization, jail, institutionalization, jail, institutionalization, or death. or death. or death. Or you can come over here and come into Or you can come over here and come into Or you can come over here and come into this room and talk to people and be this room and talk to people and be this room and talk to people and be honest. Uh, and then you can have a life honest. Uh, and then you can have a life honest. Uh, and then you can have a life that is happy, joyous, and free. What is that is happy, joyous, and free. What is that is happy, joyous, and free. What is it going to be? Only the addict will it going to be? Only the addict will it going to be? Only the addict will say, "I'm gonna have to get back to you say, "I'm gonna have to get back to you say, "I'm gonna have to get back to you on that." And that in a nutshell is the on that." And that in a nutshell is the on that." And that in a nutshell is the disease of alcoholism. It is a disease disease of alcoholism. It is a disease disease of alcoholism. It is a disease that so captures the individual that that so captures the individual that that so captures the individual that even when you can present them with a even when you can present them with a even when you can present them with a solution that provides all the things solution that provides all the things solution that provides all the things that that person would want in their that that person would want in their that that person would want in their life, they still are predisposed to life, they still are predisposed to life, they still are predisposed to choose the cycle of unhealthy behavior choose the cycle of unhealthy behavior choose the cycle of unhealthy behavior that is reaping chaos, destroying their that is reaping chaos, destroying their that is reaping chaos, destroying their lives, and harming the people they care lives, and harming the people they care lives, and harming the people they care about most. And the only way for that about most. And the only way for that about most. And the only way for that person to snap out of that mindset, that person to snap out of that mindset, that person to snap out of that mindset, that delusion, is when their circumstances delusion, is when their circumstances delusion, is when their circumstances present them with a situation in which present them with a situation in which present them with a situation in which they're in so much pain that pain they're in so much pain that pain they're in so much pain that pain overwhelms their otherwise fear of doing overwhelms their otherwise fear of doing overwhelms their otherwise fear of doing something differently. I think it's a something differently. I think it's a something differently. I think it's a useful exercise to reflect upon the useful exercise to reflect upon the useful exercise to reflect upon the excuses that we make uh to justify those excuses that we make uh to justify those excuses that we make uh to justify those behaviors. What is the narrative that we behaviors. What is the narrative that we behaviors. What is the narrative that we tell ourselves that lets us off the hook tell ourselves that lets us off the hook tell ourselves that lets us off the hook so that we can perpetuate the behavior so that we can perpetuate the behavior so that we can perpetuate the behavior or continue to do the thing that we know or continue to do the thing that we know or continue to do the thing that we know in our heart of hearts we probably in our heart of hearts we probably in our heart of hearts we probably shouldn't because until you do that, shouldn't because until you do that, shouldn't because until you do that, you're really not putting yourself in a you're really not putting yourself in a you're really not putting yourself in a position to change that behavior. Again, position to change that behavior. Again, position to change that behavior. Again, self-awareness is not enough. Let's get self-awareness is not enough. Let's get self-awareness is not enough. Let's get honest, rigorously honest with honest, rigorously honest with honest, rigorously honest with ourselves. And that begins with ourselves. And that begins with ourselves. And that begins with identifying the excuses and the identifying the excuses and the identifying the excuses and the justifications that we make. This justifications that we make. This justifications that we make. This reminds me of a story uh from early reminds me of a story uh from early reminds me of a story uh from early sobriety when I had a real sobriety when I had a real sobriety when I had a real uh resistance to availing myself of the uh resistance to availing myself of the uh resistance to availing myself of the recovery community. Like I just wanted recovery community. Like I just wanted recovery community. Like I just wanted to solve the problem on my own. I didn't to solve the problem on my own. I didn't to solve the problem on my own. I didn't want to have to involve all these other want to have to involve all these other want to have to involve all these other people. Let me just, you know, I'm a people. Let me just, you know, I'm a people. Let me just, you know, I'm a smart person. I'll figure it out. Leave smart person. I'll figure it out. Leave smart person. I'll figure it out. Leave me alone. Of course, this resulted in me alone. Of course, this resulted in me alone. Of course, this resulted in relapse after relapse after relapse relapse after relapse after relapse relapse after relapse after relapse because while I acknowledged the need to because while I acknowledged the need to because while I acknowledged the need to get help and receive help, and I was get help and receive help, and I was get help and receive help, and I was contrite about my behavior, I was also contrite about my behavior, I was also contrite about my behavior, I was also continuing to justify or excuse my lack continuing to justify or excuse my lack continuing to justify or excuse my lack of commitment to this set of tools that of commitment to this set of tools that of commitment to this set of tools that had been, you know, presented to me as had been, you know, presented to me as had been, you know, presented to me as effective at solving this problem. So effective at solving this problem. So effective at solving this problem. So instead, me wanting to solve the problem instead, me wanting to solve the problem instead, me wanting to solve the problem on my own. And what I think held me at on my own. And what I think held me at on my own. And what I think held me at arms length from this solution was the arms length from this solution was the arms length from this solution was the fact that I saw these people as fact that I saw these people as fact that I saw these people as different than myself. I was in my sense different than myself. I was in my sense different than myself. I was in my sense of terminal uniqueness. I was indulging of terminal uniqueness. I was indulging of terminal uniqueness. I was indulging my ego. I had a lack of humility. my ego. I had a lack of humility. my ego. I had a lack of humility. Perhaps on some level, I thought like Perhaps on some level, I thought like Perhaps on some level, I thought like I'm better equipped to solve this I'm better equipped to solve this I'm better equipped to solve this problem for myself than any of these problem for myself than any of these problem for myself than any of these people. And so when I would go into people. And so when I would go into people. And so when I would go into these rooms and I would hear these these rooms and I would hear these these rooms and I would hear these people share their stories or attempt to people share their stories or attempt to people share their stories or attempt to introduce themselves to me, all I could introduce themselves to me, all I could introduce themselves to me, all I could think is that like I don't belong here. think is that like I don't belong here. think is that like I don't belong here. You know, these people are different You know, these people are different You know, these people are different from me. I have nothing in common with from me. I have nothing in common with from me. I have nothing in common with them. And as a result, I shortcircuited them. And as a result, I shortcircuited them. And as a result, I shortcircuited my capacity to learn, to be open, and to my capacity to learn, to be open, and to my capacity to learn, to be open, and to participate in my own recovery. And participate in my own recovery. And participate in my own recovery. And there was one occasion where I sort of there was one occasion where I sort of there was one occasion where I sort of was ducking out of a meeting early. I was ducking out of a meeting early. I was ducking out of a meeting early. I would do this. I would like arrive late would do this. I would like arrive late would do this. I would like arrive late and leave early, avoid eye contact and leave early, avoid eye contact and leave early, avoid eye contact because I really didn't want to have to because I really didn't want to have to because I really didn't want to have to talk to anybody. Uh and I thought that I talk to anybody. Uh and I thought that I talk to anybody. Uh and I thought that I was being quite crafty. And what you was being quite crafty. And what you was being quite crafty. And what you realize later is that like this is very realize later is that like this is very realize later is that like this is very common transparent behavior. And on one common transparent behavior. And on one common transparent behavior. And on one of these days when I was ducking out of these days when I was ducking out of these days when I was ducking out early, uh a guy came out after me and early, uh a guy came out after me and early, uh a guy came out after me and he's like, "Hey, where are you going?" he's like, "Hey, where are you going?" he's like, "Hey, where are you going?" And I made up some excuse. I I'm late. I And I made up some excuse. I I'm late. I And I made up some excuse. I I'm late. I got to get out. I'm so sorry, but I have got to get out. I'm so sorry, but I have got to get out. I'm so sorry, but I have to leave. You know, I have an to leave. You know, I have an to leave. You know, I have an appointment or some [ __ ] like that. appointment or some [ __ ] like that. appointment or some [ __ ] like that. And of course, this guy saw right And of course, this guy saw right And of course, this guy saw right through that. And he just pointed to a through that. And he just pointed to a through that. And he just pointed to a phrase on a wall, one of those annoying phrase on a wall, one of those annoying phrase on a wall, one of those annoying AA apherisms, and it said, AA apherisms, and it said, AA apherisms, and it said, "Look for the similarities, not the "Look for the similarities, not the "Look for the similarities, not the differences." differences." differences." And I'd seen that there before, and I And I'd seen that there before, and I And I'd seen that there before, and I didn't really know what it meant, but in didn't really know what it meant, but in didn't really know what it meant, but in that moment, it actually landed. that moment, it actually landed. that moment, it actually landed. Basically, what he was saying is, stop Basically, what he was saying is, stop Basically, what he was saying is, stop trying to create arguments for why this trying to create arguments for why this trying to create arguments for why this isn't going to work or why you're isn't going to work or why you're isn't going to work or why you're different than these other people. different than these other people. different than these other people. Instead of listening to somebody's story Instead of listening to somebody's story Instead of listening to somebody's story and trying to determine how your life is and trying to determine how your life is and trying to determine how your life is different and how it doesn't apply to different and how it doesn't apply to different and how it doesn't apply to you, instead you, instead you, instead try to see yourself in this story. What try to see yourself in this story. What try to see yourself in this story. What is it that this person is sharing on an is it that this person is sharing on an is it that this person is sharing on an emotional level? Can you relate to? And emotional level? Can you relate to? And emotional level? Can you relate to? And once you start to do that, then you're once you start to do that, then you're once you start to do that, then you're able to kind of connect with whatever able to kind of connect with whatever able to kind of connect with whatever wisdom they are in a position to impart wisdom they are in a position to impart wisdom they are in a position to impart to you. And I share this story because to you. And I share this story because to you. And I share this story because while we rubberneck at this story of Shy while we rubberneck at this story of Shy while we rubberneck at this story of Shy Labuff, we kind of perceive it Labuff, we kind of perceive it Labuff, we kind of perceive it voyoristically or we jump on a chance to voyoristically or we jump on a chance to voyoristically or we jump on a chance to vilify this person that we haven't met. vilify this person that we haven't met. vilify this person that we haven't met. I would suggest that if you watch it to I would suggest that if you watch it to I would suggest that if you watch it to look for the similarities, not the look for the similarities, not the look for the similarities, not the differences. And what I mean by that is differences. And what I mean by that is differences. And what I mean by that is what is it about this person and what what is it about this person and what what is it about this person and what they're sharing can you relate to? Can they're sharing can you relate to? Can they're sharing can you relate to? Can you see some aspect of your own you see some aspect of your own you see some aspect of your own behavior, your own blind spots, your own behavior, your own blind spots, your own behavior, your own blind spots, your own proclivity to justify or excuse your proclivity to justify or excuse your proclivity to justify or excuse your behavior in what he's sharing. And I behavior in what he's sharing. And I behavior in what he's sharing. And I think if you can do that, then you're in think if you can do that, then you're in think if you can do that, then you're in a position to better self-reflect on a position to better self-reflect on a position to better self-reflect on your own behavior and what you're doing your own behavior and what you're doing your own behavior and what you're doing or not doing in your own life to become or not doing in your own life to become or not doing in your own life to become a better person tomorrow than you are a better person tomorrow than you are a better person tomorrow than you are today.