Psychologist: The Woman He Dates Isn't The Woman He Marries | Sadia Khan

Key Takeaway

Today, define one or two non-negotiable boundaries for your relationships—such as dishonesty, repeated disrespect, or infidelity—and decide in advance what action you will take if they are crossed. Then communicate a current boundary calmly: name the behavior, explain its impact, and state what you will do to protect yourself. Healthy love is not unlimited tolerance; clear limits help you choose partners whose behavior matches your values.

Episode Overview

Psychologist Sadia Khan and Jay Shetty discuss how self-esteem, boundaries, emotional availability, intimacy, and self-control shape dating and long-term relationships. Khan argues that people improve their relationship choices by focusing less on “attracting” better partners and more on refusing patterns of disrespect, incompatibility, and avoidance.

Full Transcript

Transcript of Psychologist: The Woman He Dates Isn't The Woman He Marries | Sadia Khan from On Purpose. Auto-generated from episode audio; may contain minor errors.

I want to ask if anyone has applied the teachings you are about to share with us in the next few hours. Yes. What would they overcome? The first thing they would overcome is their fear of conflict. One of the things that keeps people stuck in their relationships is that they are afraid of conflict, because, deep down, they are afraid of leaving. And if people understood that the quality of their relationships would improve enormously the moment they exercised the ability to walk away when their hearts are broken, when they are disrespected, and when they are dehumanized, that really brings out the best in a couple by knowing that they have that strength.

When you eliminate that force from your relationships, what ends up happening is that you attract people who will use you, abuse you, and treat you terribly, because they see that your kindness will be your downfall. So I believe that if you truly apply my teachings, the only thing that will happen is that you will have the self-esteem necessary to attract only people who are good for you and develop a disdain for those who treat you badly. And because of that, you can make better choices and maintain healthier relationships.

I love that. Then, people will choose better, attract better people, and stay in the right relationship. Exactly. Let's start with the first one. Most of the people I talk to feel that they keep attracting people who are unavailable. People who don't want to commit. People who lack the emotional capacity to connect. Why is that? It's not what we attract. That's what we accept. Most people can attract practically anyone. Yes, if we try hard enough, we can attract almost anyone. But when we have low self-esteem, we have these self-fulfilling prophecies that people are supposed to be a little inaccessible , or that they should play hard to get, or that it's normal for them not to reply to messages, or that it's normal for them not to ask me how my day was.

It's normal that he only writes to me at midnight on a Friday. And because they believe that this is normal for themselves, they begin to accept what will not actually lead to a healthy relationship . The moment they discover not what they are attracting, but what they are accepting, they can reclaim their power and say, "I actually attract all kinds of men, but the ones I keep forming a bond with are the ones who leave me a little anxious, and the ones who make me worry about what this is and where it's going." Instead of being attracted to that, I'm starting to learn that it's a sign that they have commitment issues.

And all it will do is delay my time, delay my ability to get married, delay my ability to, you know, start a family, and so on. So we can attract all kinds of men, but we should only consider those who allow you to form a family, a relationship, or whatever your goal may be. They make it possible. And if they do n't make it possible, try to lose interest in them. Why are we more attracted to people who make us anxious and who are unavailable? Why do we think they are the ones worth pursuing?

Firstly, if we have low self-esteem, we see this as something that is supposed to happen. No one is supposed to worship and love us excessively. That's probably not going to happen . It's normal to be treated like this if that's what your low self-esteem dictates. But the other thing is that unavailable men sometimes demonstrate the idea of ​​having options and alternatives. Their mystery makes them seem more desirable. And because of that mystery, we assume they have something interesting up their sleeves. They have alternatives. There's something about them that keeps them busy and makes them distant.

When we truly realize that they are actually just emotionally immature. He's not this special guy who has a million things to do, who is absorbed by his work and is so, so busy. He's really just emotionally immature. He doesn't know how to commit. She doesn't know how to rule out alternatives and simply focus on one person at a time. When we realize that it is actually a sign of emotional immaturity and not desirability, we will not be so attracted to that person who does not know how to communicate in a healthy way.

What do you say to men and women who feel they have been rejected too many times and are losing faith and the ability to believe that there is someone out there for them? Just be careful: are you really not "matching" or do you dislike the person you're "matching" with? Sometimes, what happens because of social media and dating apps is that we enter relationships with almost a double standard or a sense of comparison, comparing people to our algorithms. We say: well , if he's not the ideal guy or if she 's not the ideal girl, if he's not a high-value man and she's not a high-value woman.

We start to view our candidates with a certain dislike, when sometimes it would be better to observe the people who agree with us and see if they are really so bad. Is there anything wrong with them? Or am I simply comparing them to an idealized idea or a partner I haven't been able to have access to? I always think that the more you like who you are and the higher your self-esteem, the more attracted you are to people who like you. The fact that someone likes you makes you automatically start to like them more, because you have connected with them and they like you too.

When you have low self-esteem, you chase after people you can't reach. So my advice to people is to always start with the person who is right for you. Always start with that attraction, focus on it and check if they have similar demographics, values, etc. But where people go wrong is in glorifying people they do n't agree with, wishing for a love they've never been able to access, and comparing their real partners to alternatives that do n't exist. Therefore, it's best to focus on those who are interested and perhaps adapt your standards to those people who truly believe in you.

That's very true, and I feel like what people are going to say is, "Well, why do I have to settle?" If similarity feels like settling, then perhaps your standards are too high. What I mean is that sometimes I meet men in their 40s, going through their second divorce, who say they don't want a woman with emotional baggage. So I need someone who's 25. I don't want women with emotional baggage. Or sometimes I meet women who are not working and say they want an entrepreneurial man who earns six figures .

That is. But I always say, shouldn't you be looking for someone similar to you? And if someone similar to you makes you feel like you're settling, then maybe your expectations are a little inflated. If what you contribute to the relationship and what you receive are balanced, then you're not asking for too much. But if you're looking for others to fill the gaps in your self-esteem, then maybe you do need to adjust your standards a little. So ask yourself: Does similarity feel like conforming? If so, then perhaps we need to work on ourselves in order to be able to access the people we truly desire.

Yes, much of what you're talking about is simply having awareness and honesty. I know. It's like there's a great need to be honest with ourselves, and it's more difficult. It's becoming increasingly difficult to be honest with ourselves because we're bombarded with advice on TikTok and from people telling you never to settle, that you're someone's ideal girl, or that you're a high-value woman. So we figured if we get something less than what our algorithm suggests, we 're settling. When in reality , as long as we agree on values, maturity and how we see ourselves in the future, we are not really settling.

We're just looking for someone compatible. I mean, so many people on dating apps these days, their common experience is that they suddenly stop talking to each other . And I'm sure you've heard a million people say that they felt like they were having a good conversation and this person just disappeared. What would your advice be for someone who feels they've been "ghosted"? I would say try to have reasonable expectations. Unfortunately, in the digital world , people are seen as disposable and there is very little investment.

So, they don't always feel they owe someone an explanation. And usually when they disappear, it's because they found other options or maybe they were just on the app to buy time and heal a broken heart. They're not really looking for a partner. They are simply seeking to heal a little or recover from some kind of stress they are going through, as a defense mechanism. So, if they stop talking to you, try not to take it personally. But if you've been dating that person and they suddenly disappear, chances are they're hiding something.

Those who disappear, regardless of the reason, remain poor communicators. And whatever their reason for ceasing to speak to you, the most important reason is that they are not good at communicating. So try to reduce your attraction to people who don't know how to communicate well. What are the signs, when you're dating someone or starting to have those first conversations, that you think people overlook but should look for, that show signs of a healthy and positive relationship? I would say that sometimes the best predictor of future relationships is past relationships.

And something I think people forget is that their bosses don't really lie. And if you know a man or woman, even in their late 30s or early 40s, who has never had a serious relationship and you think everything is going well and then, for some reason, they disappear or no longer want a commitment, sometimes those are simply their patterns. Perhaps they have commitment issues, or you discover that in their previous relationships they were always unfaithful or that they never lasted more than three months. Most likely, people will be their bosses.

So try to pay attention; it doesn't mean you should judge them completely, but observe if they distance themselves and don't want to commit. It may not be personal. It could simply be their pattern in previous relationships, where they are not used to settling down. They don't know how to do it. They don't have the skills or the tools for it. Therefore, they will find it difficult. Other people, because they have always been in relationships of four or five years, simply have the habits of long-term relationships.

So, even when you're just starting to date , they'll treat you like their partner and the relationship might move a little faster. So their previous patterns are something to pay attention to. And that second pattern can also be negative because you could end up getting into a relationship too quickly with someone simply because they have those habits. Yes. They're not actually compatible. They're just stuck in those habits. Especially if they've just gotten out of a relationship, they may get into the habit of calling every day, planning to see each other on weekends, and doing all that.

Which feels great, but if they haven't healed, it will turn into "love bombing" because they are transferring the residual feelings from their previous relationship onto you. And that accelerates the relationship beyond what psychological compatibility allows. So you could find yourself being thrust into a relationship by someone who just has a habit of acting this way, and that can be a problem too. What are the top three things that people you mentor, coach, and follow on social media come to you saying are their number one problem?

Oh, men, they suffer a lot from infidelity, where women cheat on them. No. Much more than I expected. That's really shocking me right now. My main client is a man who has just been cheated on by a woman. And since this isn't talked about much on social media or in general, we're programmed to think that men are the ones who cheat. So yes, it's strange to find the idea that women cheat, and men don't actually talk to each other when they've been cheated on. They keep it to themselves because they feel some shame or humiliation.

While we women can vent a little more among ourselves. My main client is usually the man who has been cheated on or the woman who can't get her partner to commit. Those seem to be the two fields I tend to attract in terms of clients. But the fact that the man is unfaithful or that the man is not masculine enough tends to be the common theme of my clients who keep coming back. So, let's start with men who aren't masculine enough. What does that mean? Because I think that for a long time we've heard that men aren't feminine enough, or that they don't show their emotions, or that they can't have an emotional connection.

That's the problem . But you actually say it's the complete opposite. In fact, it's the opposite. And honestly, because look, we live in a time, especially in a city like Los Angeles, where men are almost divided between being too nice and not manly enough or toxic masculinity; There doesn't seem to be a middle ground. And men who lack masculinity have these three traits in common that I have noticed. First, they grew up without a male role model, so it may have happened that they grew up in a single-parent household where they saw their mother making all the decisions, doing all the hard work, taking care of the emotional and physical burden, and they think that's what women want; They think that's okay.

So, when they enter a relationship, they think that the woman wants to make all the decisions . She wants to do everything around the house. She wants to be in control, when in reality they are looking for a man whose decisions they can trust enough to finally be able to relax. But instead, they believe that's what women want. So when they enter a relationship, they are not decisive. They don't solve problems. They allow her to take total control and almost follow her around too much. And at first that might be okay.

Women might find it somewhat attractive, like: "Very good, perfect. He's very docile and passive." But later they find that man exhausting, especially when they have children. They cannot trust him to make any decisions because he hardly trusts his own judgment and lacks that protective or provider instinct. So she ends up having to play a double role. But the most important thing I find in men who lack masculinity is that they have trouble setting boundaries. And the effective way to set a boundary is to find the perfect balance between being firm and sensitive.

What some men do is be too strict; they want to set a limit and become abusive at the same time. They say, "You can't do this." You're so... and they use insults and get too harsh. Other men are too sensitive. They get too soft about it. So, they don't know how to establish it. They allow any kind of behavior and then repress what they really feel. To achieve the right balance, you must be firm about what you want from that person, but also very sensitive to their needs and understand what they want, reminding them how much you love them and that you want to save this relationship, and that's why you're setting the boundary.

So it could be something like she's talking to an ex or something like that . He could be firm and say : I'm not comfortable with you talking to an ex. But the sensitive part is: because I love you and I really want this relationship to work and I want us to have a healthy pattern. I don't want any external interference. So achieving that balance is something that guys who struggle with their masculinity can't manage. And if they could simply achieve that perfect balance of firmness and sensitivity, they could set boundaries much better.

Yes you're right. I have seen the abuse, without a doubt. I have seen many men who feel that they only want a submissive partner who will do what they want when they want. And there is no love there, no true love there. They are setting all these limits, but they are aggressive in doing so. They don't remind her that they love her. They don't even show her that they love her, but they want her to obey them. That's no way to set a limit. And other men are too soft, and then she forgets what he really wants because he seeks to please others.

So finding that balance has become difficult. Yes. It's very interesting that you say that because I was thinking that my mom was the one who kept the house going and did everything for me and my sister, and my dad was distant. He seemed disconnected, and it's very interesting that you mentioned the male model because two things happened to me. One was that my male role models were monks who were really good men. And on the other hand, I saw my mom's effort, struggle, and pain, and that made me want to be a better man.

But that's because she was vulnerable with me about it. So, as I could see, my mom didn't have an easy life. I was convinced that when I got married, if I ever got married, I would never let my wife work so hard. But that is a very common trait that the other type of man experienced. Some men, seeing their mother struggle so much, just want to free their partner from any struggle. So the other path they can take is wanting to save many women, and what ends up happening is that they really want to make sure she doesn't have any problems and lives a life of total comfort.

The problem is that when you remove all struggle from someone's life, they lose their purpose and, in fact, resent you for not allowing them to solve their own problems. So, some men in that position, what they end up doing ... I'm not saying it's you, but in general, sometimes those men want to protect their partner from any kind of pain or stress, and in the process, they can become a little complacent or just solve every problem she might have. In any case, she fails to reach her full potential, and that can generate resentment.

So, unfortunately, the lack of a male role model has a significant impact on how they behave towards women. Yes, I love that perspective, it's a very fine line and I would say that... probably, when I dated women, I was that kind of man. It was only when I married Radi that I improved by realizing that I needed my partner to also pursue his purpose, discover what it was, understand it, and that took time. Yes. And did you find that you have that habit? Because many men in that position sometimes choose women who are deeply traumatized, or who have never worked, uh, unemployed, or they might choose someone who is really struggling with addiction, and they like that because they think, "I can teach you and help you recover." But the problem is that, sometimes, when these women recover, they want a man with higher self-esteem, someone who wouldn't tolerate so much negative behavior.

So , in fact...yes. And sometimes I meet men who say, "She had this addiction." "She was an alcoholic." "She was traumatized by sexual abuse." "I helped her through all of that." But when she recovers, she actually looks at him and thinks, "Why did you put up with all that? " "Why did you choose this?" "There must be something wrong with you." "Now I want someone with a more demanding selection process." Sometimes they can lose the woman they have. And women suffer from this too. They think that if I just show him that I am constant, caring and loving while he overcomes his addictions.

When he finally recovers, he actually looks for someone with higher self-esteem. And they end up, all that investment can sometimes be wasted. So, is n't that heartbreaking? It is , because that was love at its best . If someone was patient while you were healing and supported you, aren't we moving away from love? If we leave someone who was there for us in our darkest moments, they are there , but sometimes they don't know if you are there because you love them or because you seek their approval.

And many people sometimes seek approval and master it through help. They will help that person financially, they will help them with every problem they have. But there is an unconscious contract that the more I help you, the more you will love me in return. And sometimes we can see through it when it's not genuine. And when that person can see that all this was done with an assigned contract that one day you will be loyal, loving, and committed to me, they did not agree to sign that contract.

So when they heal, they may become ungrateful to the person who helped them. Yes, that makes a lot of sense. Yes. So it depends on what the unconscious contract is when you're helping people. I love that idea of ​​the unconscious contract. Yes, you're absolutely right that if you're doing it just to say, "Look, I was there for you. I was there all along . You should love me more now ." People feel that way. How do you communicate to someone that you're there for the right reasons?

But you have those limits. So, how do you communicate it? Because I suffer from that too. I like being super super helpful because then I think , I am, I am so irreplaceable. If I do all these things, I'm so irreplaceable. But there is an unconscious ego linked to that. It's like: " Look how wonderful I am because I helped you overcome all your financial problems and all of this." But really, the best way to communicate that you're there for love and not for approval is to still have non-negotiable boundaries.

Where people go wrong is that they are literally a doormat. There's nothing you can do that will ever make them leave. While you may still be loving but not seeking approval, it means there's a limit to what you can tolerate. And if there is at least gratitude, respect, honor, and loyalty, you will leave. Whereas , if you have no boundaries and simply continue to love this person who only takes advantage of you, you are pointing to low self-esteem and an incorrect attachment. If you ever want to avoid being cheated on, it's not so much about detecting warning signs in the other person.

Sometimes you can become a person who is never cheated on. No matter what kind of relationship you're in, you can become immune to it. It's really difficult for a woman with good intentions to find a man these days. The woman who is not prepared to lead sexually is ignored by those who are; Men pressured into commitment often resent their partners for having married them. They get angry at small displays of intimacy. They get annoyed at having to be affectionate with you. They are annoyed at having to check in every day and tell you what time they will arrive home and what time dinner will be ready .

They resent the dynamics of being married. Why do women cheat on men? I've gotten into a lot of trouble for saying this before, and I'll say it again. In my experience, generally, when women cheat, it's not so much because he has done something toxic. I've known women who are in toxic relationships and remain loyal the whole time. It is simply when he lacks masculinity that he is more likely to cheat. Actually, I don't often see women cheating on toxic men. In fact, they are quite loyal to him.

They are more likely to deceive a man who is too passive, too naive, and too compliant. And the reason is that there is something about that man that is so soft and so naive that it makes her lose sexual attraction. Something about the fact that he can't detect the warning signs. Something about the fact that he believes everything. He doesn't question anything. The fear of setting boundaries makes women yearn for someone with a little more masculinity. So it's not so much that he's being cheated on because he's bad to her.

Because I've met so many women who say, "He's a wonderful man." "He treats me very, very well." "Except I'm not in love with him." And usually the reason she's not in love with him is because he's not protective enough. And what some men offer, but what we mean by protective is that she could be with her ex-boyfriend all day and he wouldn't get protective or say, "Hey love, I don't feel comfortable." "Or she might be, you know, being disrespectful or something like that ." And he doesn't defend himself.

And in those moments when a man doesn't defend himself, she loses that respect and then crosses new boundaries because she mainly believes that he will stay no matter what . And when we give our partners the belief that no matter how you behave, I will forgive you and remain consistent. I will love you no matter what. We believe we are showing them unconditional love. But what they'll end up doing is thinking that we're going to tolerate unconditional disrespect. And they end up simply pushing our limits further and further.

So what does he do? What it does is make sure he is aware of when he is being disrespected. And naturally, human beings in general, and I think this applies to both men and women, if you ever want to avoid being cheated on, it's not so much about detecting warning signs in the other person. Sometimes you can become a person who is never cheated on. No matter what kind of relationship you're in, you can become immune to it. And the way to become immune to infidelity is, first, to understand your partner's true needs.

Understand what they truly need in a relationship and ask yourself: can I commit to that? For example, some people are in a relationship with someone who has a very high sex drive. They simply cannot satisfy that need. If you know you can't, at some point that relationship will suffer. Or sometimes you might meet a couple who really needs financial support and you can't meet that need. At some point, that relationship will fall apart. Therefore, understand your partner's true needs . The second thing is to know that if they were unfaithful to you, you would leave.

If you give your partner signals that you won't leave no matter what they do, and you don't meet each other's needs, that relationship will most likely end in infidelity. But if they meet each other's needs and have a rule, they both have a particular rule like: if that happens, I'm going to leave. There's no going back. Your partner is most likely not at that risk. They only run that risk when they subconsciously believe that you will accept their behavior no matter what they do. And the signs of that appear from the beginning.

Perhaps these are early signs that they're still on Tinder. You forgive them. You check their phone and discover that they are still talking to other people. You forgive them. You forgive their mistakes too often. I'm not saying you should become toxic and not forgive anything, but you should let them know that this behavior is not something I will tolerate . You can do it, no problem, but I'm not going to stay and put up with it. When they learn that you mean business, they will improve naturally.

But if they see you making a big deal out of it, yelling, but actually tolerating more and more disrespect, you give them the signal that you accept any behavior, and they start taking more risks if it's the wrong person. What happens when someone isn't abusive, but is disrespecting you? You let them know they are disrespecting you in an assertive manner, but they continue to do it. What do you do when you can't change others? You need to change yourself. And the only thing you can do is back out and cut off their access.

Unfortunately , the only way to teach people to treat you properly is by taking away the benefits of being with you. And some people are afraid to do that because they worry about losing them. But you will lose a person who will become increasingly disrespectful . We are very afraid of being alone. Yes. And we're so afraid of not being with someone that I think we continue to accept that lack of respect. I know. But sometimes it's lonelier to stay with the wrong person. And that's why I believe having a good social network is as important as having a healthy relationship.

A healthy relationship without a social network will lead to codependency. But your social network is so, so important because what it does is , as the relationship begins to fall apart, the fear of walking away when necessary diminishes. But when you don't have a social network, as the relationship begins to fall apart, you will tolerate more and more abuse because you are very afraid of being alone, something that happens to all of us. It happens to all of us. But having a good social network acts as a buffer against that.

Through my work, I've noticed that women fall in love in three stages. And if any of those stages is missing, the relationship will break down very quickly or very slowly, but it will break down. And I call it the three A's, and I have a program about it. The first thing is that women have to feel truly attracted to their man so that the relationship can turn into love at some point. There has to be physical attraction because, naturally, that fades over time and, you know, with so much familiarity.

If we don't have that from the beginning, it can become very difficult to start a romantic relationship. That's why we have so many male friends, because if we're not really attracted to him, even if he's wonderful, we can't start a romantic relationship. So I always say that it all starts with attraction. The second stage for a woman to truly fall in love with a man is that she has to admire who he is. And what that means is that, with or without her influence, he is simply a man she admires.

She has a great job. He has a good circle of friends. He has a lot of self-control. He is not an addict and he has no addictions. She has a good level of self-control regarding money, her body, and her sexual behavior. He is not a disorganized person. So she admires him deeply. And once she is attracted to him and admires him, then she needs adoration from him . He needs to show her, adore her , assure her, all those things. If she gets those three things, the relationship is unlikely to break up.

But if either of them is missing, perhaps he adores her, absolutely adores her, but she is not attracted to him, at some point the relationship will fail because that adoration will feel like need. Or let's say, for example, that she is really attracted to him and he gives her a lot of security, but he is not an admirable man. He doesn't work, he does n't achieve goals, he doesn't do much. Even though she may love him and the deterioration is slow, at some point she will need someone she can admire, especially when she has children.

So, without those three ingredients, I think women don't notice this, but if one is missing, at some point they will lose interest. How do you see them, are they equal or is one superior? Actually, they're the same, they're the same; If you are very physically attracted to him and admire him a lot, but he doesn't show you any adoration. That will literally turn into a toxic relationship. You'll be begging for hugs and kisses, and he won't give them to you. You'll be begging him to compliment you.

He will not give them to you. But you won't be able to, you'll be stuck thinking: "I know he's a good man." Many women come to me and say, "I know he's a good man." She has a great job. He's so good... he's so good at his job. All his friends love him. She admires him and is attracted to him, but he does not adore her. She suffers a lot. He will begin to reject her sexually. He doesn't remind her that she's beautiful. She feels invisible next to him, but she's stuck because she thinks, "In theory, he's a great man." So, she has two of those ingredients.

Other times, and this is where the good guy suffers, she receives a lot of adoration and a lot of reassurance. He loves her. He adores her. He's a good man, but she's just not attracted to him. And she tries hard to truly love him , but she just can't seem to feel that physical attraction. And then she thinks, she even manipulates herself by saying: "Am I a bad person? How can it be that I don't love him?" There's nothing wrong with you. It's just that those three ingredients are not present.

And I know it sounds like we're being too demanding, but it doesn't have to be that way . My husband is not a magazine model. It's not that. It's just the fact that it attracts me. It's as simple as that. And it does n't mean I've cured cancer . I simply admire the person he is. That 's all. It doesn't have to be something extreme. It's just that I have that attraction, that admiration, and that adoration. You just need your own level of that. The lack of these ingredients leads to a quick end because it will be toxic.

Either it does n't give you the love you need, or it will be a slow ending because there really is no attraction. But either way, it will fail. No matter how successful your partner is, there will always be someone better out there . Especially nowadays, they're always watching; Not all women will have a husband who writes poems and sings songs to them, but he adores you in his own way. And that works for you. And you know, sometimes some girls will say, "Oh my God, do you split the expenses 50/50 with your husband?" "I could never." But if that works in your marriage and you're both doing the best you can, that's perfect.

It's totally fine. You do n't have to compare yourself to standards that have been hijacked by TikTok memes. As long as it works for you, there's no problem. But if you lack those ingredients, unfortunately, at some point, you will realize that the relationship isn't working at all. And that doesn't mean you should become too demanding. It simply means that you pay attention to this, identify which one is missing, and try to work on it. Perhaps worship is lacking. Try to work on that. Perhaps the attraction is lacking.

There's nothing wrong with saying to your partner, "Honey, I'd love for us to start exercising together." There's nothing wrong with doing that. But if we lack those things and then ignore the solution, unfortunately our relationships will suffer. And I always tell people: you don't marry someone's resume. Yes. You don't leave with anyone's bank balance . So, and because I live in Dubai, I see this a lot. They know a CEO. He's an entrepreneur, he pays all the bills, and he's fantastic. He's really fantastic at that.

But she's not attracted to him, or he's too busy to give her any adoration. At some point, you'll long for it. If we could only do one and live a relationship based on just one , I would tell women to focus on one. Some men are better at doing one. They are simply physically attracted to each other and are somewhat happy about it. But it's an empty life. But I think for women, we really crave all three. Other than that, honestly, it doesn't matter. If he buys you flowers every day, if he writes you poems, if he makes TikToks with you , the truth is that it doesn't matter.

Just have those three. You'll be alright, God willing. So, those are the three "A's" for women. What about men? They are the three "L"s. I call them that for the men. The first is that they do need some lust. I know it sounds very superficial, but if they're not sexually attracted to you, no matter how wonderful you are, no matter what the relationship is like, especially in this age where they're saturated with pornography, they'll turn their attention elsewhere . Therefore, there must be a certain level of lust.

And what I mean by lust is that they are attracted to you, that there is a sexual connection, a synergy in that area. The second thing, and I think men don't realize this, is that they really need some effort invested in their partner. And what I mean by that is the emotional and financial work invested in your partner. Some men will think, "Oh, she is , she is successful. She doesn't need any financial investment or anything emotional. She is strong ." They simply need it. The moment they invest in a woman, they are more likely to see that relationship thrive.

If he doesn't take her anywhere, he doesn't do anything for her. If the relationship ends, he won't mind. But if he has invested in her, taken her places, bought her things, made things, invested emotionally and financially in her, he is more likely to want to see that relationship work. And lastly, there is loyalty. If they don't become loyal to each other, and there is no loyalty in that relationship and they have their options open, they are not truly in love. They need those three things to be truly in love.

They first need to feel desire, have some desire, put some work into that relationship, and then they need to be loyal. If they say, " I'm in love with you, but I'm not loyal ." Actually, they're missing something. They need to feel loyal to you. They need it, they need it to be reciprocal . If you are not loyal to them and they still love you, they are actually stuck in the desire stage. They need mutual loyalty for it to truly be a healthy relationship. And after that they're fine.

That makes sense. Yes, they are fine. We do n't care about them. They 'll be fine. Although I ask because I could be wrong from a man's perspective. Is that correct or not ? Is there anything you'd say we need a little more or less of? Let me think about that. That's a great question. Because what I'm trying to say is that sometimes I meet men who meet a wonderful woman. They've put a lot of energy into it, they've invested a lot in it. They are very loyal to each other.

But since attraction is gone, they resort too much to pornography. And that is a very dangerous path. And that's why they need a little desire first and foremost before those other qualities can be valued in a woman. Well, I mean, we're back to what we were saying before. You told us why women cheat. Yes. This is why men cheat. Yes. Unfortunately, it's a significant factor. And I, you know, I know that we like to think that people cheat simply because they are narcissistic and simply because that's just how they are.

There are some men who come like that. There are some men who genuinely, no matter who they're with, no matter what the relationship is like, are too broken to be faithful. They feel uncomfortable being faithful. They're going to deceive everyone. But often, it's because they are deprived of privacy. Yes. Either because they simply didn't choose a woman who was attracted to them from the start, or they ruin intimacy by introducing too much pornography or other alternatives into the relationship, and now they have no intimacy left with their partner.

But when they lose intimacy, they lose the motivation to be loyal. They believe they are more likely to be loyal to a woman who gives them good intimacy than to one who gives them a good life, because they think their motivation to be loyal decreases as sexual intimacy dies in their relationship. So they are more likely to be open to it. That's why I always tell people to try to protect their marriage by integrating intimacy into it as often as they can. I believe that loyalty also includes them believing in your goals and you believing in theirs.

as if there were fundamental causes. And I think that sometimes, as women, we can eliminate the effort part, hoping that he'll think we're low maintenance. He will not invest anything in us; We'll be so easy that we'll become the girl from a casual encounter. What I mean by that is, if we remove his ability to make an effort for us, we don't say, for example, "Let's go on dates," we don't say, "Look, when are we going to get married?" —there is no emotional [] . We didn't burden him with any problems; We thought: "No, no, let's just be nice." We think that, by being cool, it will eventually lead to a commitment and he will become loyal to us.

Actually, he has to make an effort to see us as something worth being loyal to. So, if we deprive them of that, we're actually increasing the chances that we'll just be a passing fling. Yes, that's how you avoid being the adventure. Avoiding being the adventure means not making it so easy for them. And I know it's very tempting because sometimes you think, he's such a charming guy, I'm really attracted to him, and if I insist on a few dates or if I insist on maybe going on a trip together, maybe I'll lose him.

But you'll only lose people who are n't willing to invest in you anyway. So, unfortunately, being too easy can work. I'm not saying it will never work, but at the same time, it doesn't motivate them in any way to take this seriously because they have it too easy. What is the difference between the woman a man dates and the woman he marries? I would say that the key difference is the element of stability and responsibility. And what I mean by that is that being with a man who is super sociable, who drinks a lot, who has all these friends, who is busy all day and has an amazing life is great for dating.

You can go on a great vacation with him. You can go to nice restaurants and so on. But when it comes to marriage, if you don't look for a man with a lot of self-control, you'll really suffer. And what I mean by this is that he needs to have self-control in terms of his sexual discipline. He needs self-control over what he ingests, even the food he consumes, everything, and he needs self-control when it comes to his money. If you lack the self-control to leave those areas, that's okay .

It doesn't matter. Yes, it can be sexually wild, it can spend all your money, no problem. You can enjoy a great life. When you marry a man like that, every day is anxiety. Every day is anxiety-inducing because their lack of self-control will lead to a lack of self-respect and, as a result, they will have such low self-esteem that you cannot trust them to make decisions. But men with a lot of self-control, you can trust them to make great decisions. You can trust their judgment and finally start a family or begin pursuing your goals.

But you can't do that with men who lack self-control. You know what's surprising is that while I was listening to you, I was thinking that men don't learn that anywhere. Can you excel as a man without self-control? Do you think so? I don't believe it. It's impossible, isn't it? No, that's why I love what you're saying. I just feel bad because I can't think about it. It's the opposite, actually men are told : "Be with as many women as you can, have zero sexual discipline," and you know, you can eat whatever you want and there's always Ozempic, so don't worry about it.

In fact, they are telling us to reduce our, so to speak, self-control and replace it with hedonism. Follow your impulses. You only live once, so just do it. That kind of mentality when it comes to drinking, when it comes to food, when it comes to money. Just spend, spend, spend, all these things. Unfortunately, we are pushing men into a slow and steady depression because we are diminishing the importance of self-control and replacing it with self-indulgence . And that's a slow suicide for a man. He will only begin to respect himself when he can control himself.

And only when it can be controlled, can it then excel. And if you choose a man who can't control himself, you'll spend the rest of your life trying to control him. And that will bring out the worst in you. You will become one, you will become the mother of a child you never wanted to adopt. There are women, many women, who will like that. There are many, many women who will like that. You're a big spender. You're spending money on bottles. You go out drinking all night and you're the life of the party.

But that will appeal to women who want a fast-paced life. They probably don't want to invest in you . They probably won't be there when you're suffering and spiraling downward. My reason for being so strict with men regarding self-discipline, and sexual discipline in particular, is that we live in a time when men really have no say in when a baby is born. It's really not up to them whether that child stays or not. Women have the right, I don't know how it is in the United States but, generally, we can control whether we want to keep the baby or not, and as a result, we have some autonomy.

If he's the wrong man, perfect; We don't have to suffer the consequences. But with men, if you choose the wrong person and don't have a good relationship and then bring children into that mix, you create a generation of broken children, and you are more responsible for that. Yes. Because you have to be more careful than women, because we still have autonomy. We can get rid of a child if we need to. You really ca n't have that much of a say in that. So you have to be very disciplined about who you're sleeping with.

And if you ruin it, I know men who have ruined their families just because they couldn't control themselves sexually or simply because they couldn't have that right conversation with their wife and say: look, I'm lacking intimacy. Perhaps we should separate. Instead, they only set fire to their own home and then suffer the consequences. So sexual discipline is something really important for men, followed by financial discipline and, of course, in terms of diet , health and things like that, I think it's fundamental. What do you think about women who sleep with men too soon?

I think it's very difficult for women because many want to preserve themselves. They don't want to rush into sleeping with men so soon. But what they are discovering today is that, if they do n't start there, men don't even want to meet them anymore. Men no longer want to invest in getting to know them psychologically or anything like that . So they're almost caught between: Will I stay alone forever, or will I end up sleeping with men I'm not even attracted to, but I have to stay in the game?

So they're really stuck. But what I would say is: try not to prioritize your physical intimacy over your psychological intimacy. You can go to bed that same day. But if they've truly developed a strong psychological intimacy, you know where they're both headed. They are in a good place with each other. Do whatever you want. But if you don't have that, all sex will do is increase your insecurities and anxieties about the relationship. And then it will leave a mark on you in the dating market when you return, with negativity towards the new man and the next one.

So it simply lowers your self-esteem. Therefore, try to accelerate psychological intimacy first . How would you define psychological intimacy versus simply being excited about being together? Chemistry. Yes, it's difficult. Chemistry is how much you enjoy that person's company. You can have great chemistry with anyone. Psychological intimacy is how similar their goals and values ​​are. So, how similar...I can enjoy someone's company very easily. It's not a problem. But you might notice that he still, you know, goes out partying a lot. Perhaps he still uses drugs. Maybe he's doing that.

But psychological intimacy is: do we share the same vision of where we see ourselves in 5, 6, or 10 years? And are we both aligned on the values ​​that will take us there? And if there is alignment, they are probably quite close. If there's no alignment, you can enjoy them, but it's unlikely to be a lasting relationship. I like the idea that physical intimacy should keep pace with psychological intimacy. Because that's how true closeness exists. And you're not using physical closeness as a substitute for actually having a deeper, more meaningful connection .

And many people do that. Sometimes they are with someone, they are very physically intimate, and then they discover that they have nothing in common. But since they've already slept together, they're prolonging this relationship longer than necessary. It's almost like dragging a dead horse. So, if you can speed things up, and I know it's difficult because it's hard to compete with men who push for it, or we live in a world where men ask for photos immediately and things like that. So, it's difficult for women, and I always say this, it's really difficult for women with good intentions to find a man these days.

The woman who is not prepared to lead sexually and start from there, is ignored by the women who are . And it's a bit like some men, maybe they don't want to lead with their finances, but they find themselves ignored. That's why people who actually enter into relationships with the right intentions are the ones who find it most difficult. Yes, it's difficult, isn't it? It's very difficult for them. And you shouldn't lower your standards. You shouldn't. But I can understand why people do it. I don't want to judge because I can understand it perfectly.

I do n't know what it's like to be single these days. And I can imagine that at some point you think: if I keep maintaining these high standards, I'm never going to meet anyone. What I would say is to keep your intrinsic standards high and your extrinsic standards low. And by that I mean that you should keep your standards for how you like to be treated emotionally very high. Do you like it when messages are answered ? Do you like tags? Do you like frequent quotes?

Keep that high. Or frequent time together. They don't even have to be dates. Keep that high. But keep your extrinsic values, like "Will you take me on vacation?", low. Are you going to buy this for me? Did you send me flowers? Keep those lows. They are not relevant in the long term. But I've heard you say before that if someone cheats on you, it's partly your fault. I say that. And I wanted to hear your opinion on that standard. Yes, I know it sounds terrible, and I say this particularly with, you know, men especially.

I say: it's always your own fault. And the reason I say that is because most cheaters come with obvious evidence from the first date. There is always some sign that their behavior was not transparent. And every time you catch them cheating, they usually say, "I always knew it, because they were like that from day one." It was, and I always say that people don't usually lie. They may tell lies, but they show you their red flags almost from day one. And it may have been that they were in a relationship when you met them.

Or maybe you caught them in some lies when you first started dating them. You would have detected some signs that this person is capable of deeper lies. And I'm not saying you should always look for the bad, but when we keep ignoring bad behavior, what ends up happening is that we move further away from the truth. We went into denial. I don't actually have any problem. Even if your partner is cheating, it's not a problem. You must have a radical, totally radical, relationship with the truth.

And there are some women out there who are mistresses. They are very happy in that role because they know the truth. They know he goes there, spends time with his wife , and I'll see him when I see him. The truth is really important. So the more you align yourself with the truth, the less you will be taken by surprise. But when you start ignoring red flags over and over again—no intimacy in months, no one gets home on time, nothing adds up—and you keep making excuses, unfortunately, we create the environment for these kinds of people to thrive.

It's almost better to protect your own home and protect your own sanity. It doesn't mean you become accusatory, but you know that the treatment you receive is not what you appreciate . And if they continue like this, they don't have to deceive. The behavior is enough for you to start setting a limit. And regarding behavior, you don't need some cheaters to say, "Well, you can't prove anything." Cheaters will always want you to catch them red-handed . You, as a person, should say: "I don't need direct evidence." I can see that your behavior is not treating me properly.

Stop them there before they get to the point where they disrespect you more and more. That's where psychological manipulation comes in , right? That's where the psychological manipulation comes in. Yes. People are being manipulated. Yes, they are psychologically manipulated very intensely. And this is even as a psychologist, and you know, when I'm as a therapist, this is where I have to be much more empathetic, because I've had clients who said, "She keeps accusing me," and they're so convincing that I think, "You have to stop accusing him." I don't do it, and then she tells me later, "I found out he was having an affair the whole time." So psychological manipulation is very real, but the feeling they give you is always real.

They will lie to you with their words, their lips will say something, but your feeling, that visceral instinct that something is not right or that they are lying to you. Try to pay attention to that. And even if you never get proof, that feeling...it's partly your partner's responsibility to help calm those anxieties, not make them worse. So, if you have that feeling and they say, "Honey, whatever you need to feel better, no problem. I have nothing to hide." But if they become increasingly less transparent, try to pay attention to that.

What I hear from you is that if you pay attention to the signs you see, you don't allow yourself to be in a position where you can be taken advantage of. That's what I'm saying. I say you should know your partner better than they know themselves. So , the moment they start to change, you detect it faster than they can. And I'm sure it happens to you with Radi, you probably know her so, so well that it would be difficult for her to lead a double life without you finding out.

You know his behaviors, how he moves, how he talks, how he kisses you, everything. You pay close attention. You pay so much attention to your partner. It's quite difficult for them to live a double life without you noticing. So try to stay alert as much as you can. One thing I do say is that some men are committed to their marriage. And what that means is that they are committed to that woman. As she changes, as they change, they become more committed to each other. They are loyal to the person they married and will remain loyal forever.

Some men are only loyal to the woman they fell in love with. As long as she remains exactly the person they knew, they will remain loyal . When she starts to change, they will become increasingly disloyal because they do not accept change. You just have to decide what kind of person you are. Are you deciding to commit to marriage? And, in reality, what that means is accompanying them in their evolution, getting to know them at every stage, and remaining loyal at all times. But if you're someone who only commits to the person you fell in love with, as soon as that person starts to change , which is inevitable, your gaze will begin to shift.

So maybe it would be good to have that conversation with each other. What are we? And can we try to shift towards loyalty to the marriage itself, rather than just to each other, to help us evolve and remain consistent as we change? What can a woman do to ensure a man won't be unfaithful? Be willing to leave when you are disrespected. That's all it really takes. When men know that you will always be there for them, that you are unconditional. You accept any kind of disrespect.

They have been abusive and you accept it . They come home late and you accept it. They talk to other people and you accept it. And you always justify them. I know you love him and I know your love is unconditional , but respect shouldn't be. Yes, you shouldn't be treated disrespectfully regardless of that behavior. And, knowing human behavior, we should appreciate the person who is loyal to us. We should appreciate the person who loves us despite everything. But unfortunately, we simply don't do it .

So, when they see that your love is totally unconditional, they begin to abuse that love you feel for them. But when they learn that you love them, that you are very loyal to them and that you care about them, but that this does not give them license to abuse or hurt you , then they are more likely to stay in line. That's why I think what really prevents them from deceiving you is knowing that you are willing to leave and that you don't tolerate that level of disrespect.

They start to show you a little more respect. I've noticed so many men who cheated on their wives and felt no guilt, absolutely no guilt. At the moment she asked for the divorce, they were beside themselves. So during the year they were deceiving her, they had a wonderful time. The day she asked for a divorce, they were devastated, crying hysterically because, on an unconscious level, they thought she would never actually do it. The day he did it was when everything came crashing down on them. So, when the person knows you're not afraid to take that path, they're more likely to be respectful.

Yes. And it's not about threatening people with that. Actually, it's really about doing it just once . Probably the most realistic vow to say to each other, not just in marriages as a couple, is that if my feelings start to change, I will let you know. And that way we can work on the relationship. Where people go wrong is that when their feelings change, they avoid communication and seek their happiness elsewhere or numb their pain with some avoidance mechanism. The best promise I can make is that if my feelings ever change, instead of hurting and disrespecting you, I will come directly to you and we will try to work things out.

And if we can't fix it, we'll part ways respectfully. But doing things that cause permanent damage is simply not acceptable. But it's a matter of seriousness; I'm not saying they should mention the word divorce, but they should have non-negotiable boundaries. What I mean by non-negotiable boundaries are just one or two things that, if they happened in my relationship, there simply is no negotiation. It could be hitting, it could be deceiving. It is a non-negotiable limit. If you feel that your partner has no non-negotiable boundaries, they are more likely to attract narcissistic partners.

They are more likely to attract abusers. They are more likely to attract interested people. But if you come with clear, non-negotiable boundaries, people can feel that confidence in you. And you don't usually attract people who are going to cross your boundaries anyway. If a man cheats on a woman, can they recover? I think it depends on the reason. Even so , I think it's difficult. The reason I say it's difficult is because it becomes an almost permanent point of conflict. I would say that you can only forgive a person if the cause of the infidelity is understandable.

So I've famously said, look, if a woman cheats on a man, you can never forgive her. She will always deceive you and is only using you for free accommodation. And I used to, and I still maintain, that position. Normally, when a woman cheats on a man, there is usually very little recovery. But then I had clients and the woman would tell me: he deprived me of sex for six years. He wasn't sleeping with you for four years . I didn't know what to do, I was so lost.

I didn't know that; in my culture we don't get divorced. I didn't know what to do in those circumstances. It's like, did they really cheat, or did you push them to that point? Are they truly unfaithful by nature, or were the circumstances of that relationship what brought out the worst in them? I think if they are unfaithful by nature and have been doing it from day one, even when you were good to them, consistent and attentive, I don't think it's worth trying to recover that relationship.

But if it was something that happened in the relationship that brought out the worst in them and you can fix what happened, then maybe you can give it a chance. Especially if they have deprived each other of privacy, because that is usually the main cause. If you have been deprived of intimacy, it is almost unfair to expect your partner to be faithful for five, six or seven years if you never gave them intimacy, and they are still human. They have needs. So I can understand that, in those circumstances, they do things that are not in keeping with their nature.

It 's always difficult because, when people look at it from their own perspective, they always say, "But I was loving towards you the whole time." TRUE? That's usually our reaction. It's almost like saying, "But I was good to you." And the other person replies: "Well, I didn't see it that way." "Well, maybe you were good to me, but my needs weren't met." Yes. You can be in a relationship, and I know couples who never fought, no arguments or anything , but they just didn't have intimacy for years.

Or they may be a couple who don't fight, with no problems in that sense, but there may be emotional needs, such as not kissing, not hugging, or not saying nice things to each other. So it's the needs, rather than the facade of the relationship, that really matter. Yes. What have you observed, as you said at the beginning, about men who have been cheated on by women? What success rates have you seen in the healing and growth of that person, even if they don't stay with the same partner?

I find that men who are cheated on once tend to be cheated on in all their relationships . And I know it sounds terrible, but there's something about being cheated on in a relationship. It tends to happen to them a lot. And the reason is, firstly, that there is something wrong with their selection. They choose women who need a lot of repair , who have a lot of trauma and a lot of problems. So, they choose women who are n't really attracted to them, but they are super attracted to that partner and try to be helpful in gaining that woman's affection .

The second thing is that when they meet a woman who has some warning signs, they are too passive towards her. They lack the ability to set boundaries. They don't know when to say no. They feel they are being toxic if they have any kind of need or desire. So they simply become too docile. And in those cases, what ends up happening is that they attract women with many warning signs because they don't have the strength to stand up to those who do . So what ends up happening is that they tend to get into a cycle of attracting that, unfortunately.

They tend to choose women with a lot of trauma, many problems, and many unhealed behaviors . And when they see that unhealed behavior, they don't know how to set that boundary. And they usually forgive infidelity. I think something that isn't talked about enough is that men forgive female infidelity much more than we think. I would say that most men forgive her, but they just don't talk about it. The problem is that the more you forgive, there's something about women that makes them lose a little respect when a man is too forgiving.

I know that sounds terrible. It's not that we want someone toxic, but we want someone who has some boundaries. And when we realize that he doesn't have any, she may initially feel very grateful. Yes. At first she might say, "Thank you for forgiving me" or whatever. But later, what he hasn't understood is that for her to be unfaithful to you, something is missing in those three A's. They haven't been taken care of. Yes, whether it's attraction, admiration, or adoration, something has been missing. And normally, when you forgive too many faults, admiration for the man begins to diminish, and therefore, there is an inevitable end.

I could be wrong, but in my experience, I have always seen that men who forgive infidelity end up being cheated on again by the same woman they forgave, and in the future they tend to encounter the same thing over and over again . And what about women? It's slightly different. It's as if the chances of him being unfaithful again increase, but I generally find that if intimacy is consistent, they tend to be relatively faithful. As intimacy decreases, the chances of infidelity increase. And when women realize that, well, yes, maybe we weren't that intimate , she's not so angry.

It is only when she realizes that she did her job and he did it anyway, that she becomes enraged and finds it really difficult to forgive. So, when men cheat, it depends more on intimacy than on respect itself. I want to move on to talking about the female client. The one that says, "I want a man to commit, but he won't." "Yes. I think that's super common. Yes. I think people feel, 'Hey, we're 30, we're in our mid-30s, we're 40. Why doesn't he want to commit?'" " Well, first of all, unfortunately, there are a lot of men today who are growing up in homes with divorces.

Yes. So, what happens is they see a divorce in their family. And whenever you grow up with a divorce, you either value commitment very much and you never want to get divorced and you want to stay with one person forever. But the most common response, particularly in men, is to avoid intimacy and emotional intimacy as much as possible. You just don't want to become too vulnerable. So we're dealing with a market of men who have witnessed divorces and are a little anxious about commitment. If you're a man who has commitment issues, if you try to work it out— because a lot of men think, 'Oh, it's not a commitment issue.

I don't have a commitment issue. She's just like that, or she's too needy, or she's...' they try to blame the woman. If there really was something wrong with the woman, then why are you with her? Yes. I always ask them, ' Why are you with her? Why don't you just leave her and let her find someone who will commit?' Then they realize..." Realize that there's really nothing wrong with her. There must be something within themselves. If you suffer from commitment issues, the best thing you can do as a man is try to be a little logical.

Do a risk assessment. What are the worst things that could happen if I commit to this woman? How bad could it be? If it's like, oh, she's really toxic. She's really abusive. She's going to cheat on me. Okay, no problem. Then maybe just walk away. But if you find out that the risks are pretty low and her behavior is pretty good, then you have nothing to lose by committing. Nothing's really going to happen. What? Whatever your fear is, it's irrational. So try to calculate the risks of that relationship.

If there aren't too many risks, try to commit, because only through commitment will you figure out if you 're compatible. Without commitment, you can't really get to compatibility. And the reason is because when we're not committed, we dilute the attachment. We're talking to this person a little bit here. We're seeing someone there. We're not truly Committed. The moment you commit, you realize if you're right for each other, and that saves your own time. You're not wasting your time with the wrong person. So commitment is very helpful for both parties to see where the relationship is going.

And what about the woman who's waiting for him to commit? She's tried to have the conversation with him. He won't open up. He can't really reflect on the idea of ​​wanting to commit. What does she do? I would say, look, in my experience with women who have had to pressure their partners with ultimatums to get a commitment, the man you end up marrying is not a man you 'll be happy with. Men pressured into commitment tend to resent their partners for making them into married men.

They get angry at small displays of intimacy. They resent having to be affectionate with you. They resent having to inform you every day what time they'll be home and what time dinner will be ready. They resent the dynamics of being married. So, the more you pressure a man If you pressure someone who doesn't want commitment into committing, you'll only agree to a relationship that won't make you happy anyway. So, when you're forcing them and giving them ultimatums, it's better to ask yourself: Is this man, as he is now, someone I could actually marry?

If the answer is, "He has potential, maybe if he committed...", then do n't. But if it's like, "Yes, he is," then he would naturally like commitment. So ask yourself, is he really someone worth pressuring into commitment? Because they usually become very negative when you pressure them into commitment. Anyway, I'm glad you said that about ultimatums. I'm not a fan at all. I 'm not a fan. Why don't you like them? And are you sure you love them? Because if you have to force them to be someone they're not to please you, are you sure you love the real them?

Because every time I meet a woman who's suffering in her marriage, I ask them, "Did he want to..." get married? " Because things...because usually many of these women aren't asking for much. They'll say, 'I just asked him to spend some time with me after work,' or 'I just asked him if maybe we could kiss when we got home.'" And he acts like it's a big deal. He says, "Leave me alone." He gets very aggressive about it." And then I ask her, "Did you pressure him into getting married?" "." And she says, 'Yes, well, I told him that I'm turning 34 this year' ." "If you don't marry me, I'm leaving." And, you know, he got nervous and did it ." But unfortunately, those ultimatums only breed resentment in the man, the woman, or vice versa.

It brings out their resentment, and they're mean to you. And are you sure you want to marry someone who's going to be mean? Yes. Because the opposite of commitment is , actually, comfort. The point is, they're comfortable, and that's what they want. So when you force a commitment, you're basically saying, "I want you to be uncomfortable." Simple things. I have clients; it's just a simple matter of going to bed at the same time. He doesn't want to do it. He wants to say, "No, I want to go to bed whenever I want." So, are the acts of marriage, the behaviors of marriage, uncomfortable for that man?

If so, you're going to create a husband you 're not actually happy with, and you're going to suffer. Can a bad relationship be saved? Yes, you really can save a bad relationship, but it's difficult if both people don't want to. The only way to save a bad relationship is if both They really want it and are just misunderstanding each other. Relationships that are hard to save are those where one person is much more attached than the other. When one person really wants the relationship to work and the other simply isn't attracted, invested, or committed, what ends up happening is that the only way to save it is for the beggar in the relationship to ask for less and less.

And that's usually the dynamic when one person wants more than the other. You get a beggar in the relationship. And just like beggars on the street, when they ask for a little, you give them a little, but when they ask for a lot, you say, "Go away." You're a beggar. As if you're giving them the bare minimum. That's how couples start treating the person who begs to be with them. So when you get into that dynamic, it's very hard to fix. But when you get into a dynamic where you don't know why you keep clashing, you love each other.

You don't know why it's not working, then it's probably something missing in understanding the other person's basic needs . And it's very easy. Fix those people. Talk about those little things. So that when big issues arise, like having children, traveling, or problems with parents, you won't be so afraid. Yes, it's not so bad. But I do find that things happen in relationships; some relationships have ups and downs. Maybe a miscarriage, maybe things go wrong, a lot of work, and some relationships suffer, which is a consequence of bad decisions in choosing the wrong person.

Pain will occur in every marriage. Every marriage will have ups and downs, financial problems, children will come, they will leave , God forbid, parents get sick. Those are pains in marriages. They are to be expected and can cause difficult periods. Suffering is when, even without that, there are emotional consequences of having chosen the wrong partner. And everyday, small things turn into big fights. You just want to hold their hand, they get angry about that. You just want to spend more time together , they get angry about that.

Your life starts to feel like suffering. And when there is more suffering than pain , it's a little harder to fix those things. Marriages. You're not necessarily going to get divorced. No. But that's okay. It's not really the end of the world. As long as it's not that toxic. If you've reached a stage where it's okay, it's not so bad. I think in this day and age , that's a win. I know it sounds terrible and it sounds like you're just floating around, but I think as long as you avoid the suffering and you're not toxic, if after 10 years there's some attraction and some admiration, but it 's not unstable, I actually think that's a win.

I know it sounds terrible , but I think it's not bad; I wouldn't be terrified if I had that. It 's only when you never had that from the beginning, and then it gets exaggerated, exaggerated, exaggerated, that it usually turns into suffering. Yes. So unless it's toxic, abusive, exploitative, I think if you're not that bad and you don't have any of the deal-breakers , I think what happens is that people focus too much on having those highs in a relationship. I just think that as long as you don't have deep lows, Even if it's not like in the poems, and you don't have those vacations or those big experiences, if you don't have those toxic lows, having that sense of peace is actually good.

In fact, I think that's a victory. I think it's toxic to assume that you should always have those euphoric moments. I think you should seek that peace, and as long as there aren't any game-changers , the relationship might not be the most exciting. But as long as there aren't those game-changers, you'll actually have a relatively peaceful marriage. Sia, what's the worst thing you can say to someone who's just gone through a breakup? The worst thing you can say to someone who's just gone through a breakup is, " Well, you knew he was like that, so what's the big deal?" "I know.

Yes, sometimes we know the person was already like that. We know. But right now, thinking about that person is probably the least important part of the healing process for getting over our heartbreak. It's not so much that we have to forget the person who broke our heart, but that we have to try to rediscover ourselves. And the best way to rediscover ourselves isn't by focusing on the person, what they did wrong, or how terrible they are. It's more about figuring out what your patterns are, what your choice was, and how you can improve your life so that the feelings toward them disappear.

But dwelling on them, focusing on them and all their problems, I think will only keep you involved in the relationship and make it harder to heal that broken heart. What happens when you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with someone and they left you, moved on, didn't see it the same way, but you were convinced? After a few years, that this was the right person for you, and you break up. What really helps? I think the only thing that helps It's about remembering that everything you wanted with that person—whether it was getting married, having children, or going on vacation—that vision is still achievable for you.

You can still achieve that entire vision you had with them with someone new. And if you feel you truly love that person, you probably only loved certain traits they possessed. Those traits they have are also possessed by other men who will truly make your vision a reality. And hopefully, the new person won't have the traits that caused the relationship to fail. So remember, it's not about the person. This is where people get stuck in breakups . They think that their life's happiness, their relationship, and their ultimate goal depend on that particular person.

That ultimate goal is something they can still reach and achieve on their own. If they remember that they can achieve it with someone else, alone, or through friends, that goal is more important than the person. And your vision is much more important than the relationship. So, as long as you keep your vision present and remember that there are other people who can help you achieve it, you will let go of that ego clinging to that person. who just broke your heart. I know it sounds difficult, but when you find out someone hurt you and has already moved on to another relationship, you can't be hurt and happy for someone at the same time.

If you want to eliminate your pain, you almost have to try to be happy for them, even though they don't deserve it. You're not doing it for them. You're doing it for your own sake. So you can suppress that feeling of hurt and say, "He treated me terribly, but I would never wish that on anyone else. So I hope he has a happy relationship. I hope he treats her much better than he treated me." And hopefully, you'll attract that positive energy back into your own life.

How do we achieve closure when the other person doesn't give it to us? We can get it through their actions, not their words. If, for example, I love this person very much and they left me out of the blue without giving me any explanation, sometimes closure is in their behavior. The fact that they were able to let me go and abandon me in that moment is all the closure I need. Maybe they didn't see me as important as I saw them. Maybe they found someone else.

Whatever it is, your closure comes in their behavior, not just their words. Whatever they were going to tell you, it probably wasn't true anyway. They're probably just trying to make you feel better or trying to hide the real reason . Their words aren't that important. Their actions are. And we can always find closure in people's actions. Yes. And often their actions are so painful. Yes. Ending things with you via text. They just don't want to talk to you. And as hard as it is, it's usually our ego that's seeking another conversation with them.

If you really observe their behavior, your soul will know they're bad for you. So try to pay attention to what your soul knows about whether someone is good or bad for you. Our ego just wants to have the last word. We just want them crawling back to us so we can say, "Oh, we can reject them or have our last word." But try to remember that's just your ego talking. Your soul knows this person probably wasn't right for you. If they were right for you, you wouldn't be hurting today.

So try to let go of that. The need for validation and conversation—replace that with the idea that their behavior said it all. That difference between the soul and the ego is very powerful. The difficult part is that most of us live through our ego daily and not our soul. So, suddenly shifting to living from the soul, not the ego, during a breakup is extremely difficult. Yes. Because your ego is what feels right. And your soul is what's actually right. And we always want to feel right.

We want to be the ones who say they do n't want to be with them, or we want to be the ones who ended the relationship. But that's just a temporary pleasure of being the one who had the last word or who got to say this. These are temporary pleasures. The long-term pleasure comes from not needing those conversations. And it's almost like a kind of emotional neutrality toward that person. And the faster you can get there, the faster you'll actually heal. So, the less attention you pay to your ego, the closer you'll be to healing.

How would you encourage people to think about that through steps and stages? I think the ego, uh, when it comes to your soul and your Ego, the key difference is that ego is what makes you look good in front of others. Soul is actually what makes you feel good. So it might make you look better to him if you start posting pictures of yourself with another man or sharing memes. It might, you know, give him a low blow. But do you really feel better when you do that?

Ego might make you say, "Look, move on with someone else." Write to your ex." Go be with someone else." Make him jealous." But your soul will know it doesn't feel right. So that inner voice of yours asks you : Does this really feel right? And if you want to evaluate this, ask yourself: If I hadn't met this person—let's say my ex, recently separated from my husband—and I thought: If I had never met this person, would I go on this date with this random guy, or would I stay home watching TV with my friends?

If the answer is: I would still go on the date with the guy, then chances are it's not your ego. You're probably doing it simply because it's what you want to do. But if it's like: I'm only going to the club because I know he'll be there and I want to hurt him, or I'm only going to text this other guy because I know it will hurt him. If you allow that person to dictate your feelings and what you do, then it's probably your ego talking to you.

Act as if that person doesn't exist. And then ask yourself, what do you want to do with yourself? And if the answer is: I just want to heal. I just want to cry. I just want to Feel good. Like wanting a couple of days to myself, so do that instead of trying to play that game, seeing who looks better and trying to win. Because there's no winner when you follow your ego. Isn't it a paradox that women who want commitment and committed men don't find each other?

There are men who are mistreated in relationships and women who are mistreated, and they do n't seem to be attracted to each other. Unfortunately, which is a shame , because I think there's something about being too good as a person. Both women and men aren't attracted to each other because they don't feel useful when they're with someone who's just as good as they are. They almost feel better when they're with someone a little tougher and stronger, so they can feel like the good person in that relationship.

If they would just get to know each other, it would be a great solution to this problem we face in modern dating today. But the moment you heal your self-esteem, what will happen is that you'll have a natural aversion to the things that hurt you. People who don't like you, people who don't treat you well; you know your self-esteem is improving in the The moment those people start treating you badly, you lose interest in them. And the moment people treat you well, your interest in them increases.

And that's a real sign. I know that sometimes they can dazzle you with love, and that person is so, so good to you that you're drawn to it. But it's that steady, healthy rhythm of people treating you well that draws you in and helps heal your self-esteem. Sadia, uh, you've been amazing. We end each episode of OnPurpose with five closing questions. They should be answered in one word or one phrase at most. So, Sia Khan, here are your five closing questions. Question number one: What 's the best relationship advice you 've ever heard or received?

Choose peace over pleasure. Always choose someone who gives you more peace than pleasure if you want a lasting relationship. Question number two: What's the worst relationship advice you've ever heard or received? That you're someone's dream girl or don't make a list. I think anything that inflates your view of what a real relationship looks like will make it hard for you to find the right person. Appropriate. Great answer. Question number three, what is something you think everyone takes for granted about love, but that actually isn't? That it should be unconditional.

I don't think that should be true. You definitely need conditions for your love. Otherwise, you'll attract people who take advantage of your kindness. That's a great answer. Uh, question number four, what is something you used to take for granted about love? Mhm. But that you've recently distanced yourself from. Uh, that being with someone who loves you so much is all you need. When in reality, if you don't feel attracted to that person, it will feel like a need. Fifth and final question. If you could create one law that everyone would have to follow, what would it be?

That you treat people behind their backs the same way you treat them to their faces . So how you behave behind people's backs is exactly how you are to their faces. And if you practice that in your relationships, what happens is that you don't need your partner to regulate you in any way, shape, or aspect. You act as the same person with or without their oversight. And if you do that in life, I think you'll probably have more authentic relationships. Sia Khan, thank you so much.

This is definitely my favorite relationship episode we 've ever done. You, I don't think so. I mean , I wouldn't say that. Let's just leave it at that. The truth is, I've never really delved this deeply into the nuances of the why, the who, and the where, and I love the way you think about it. I really appreciate it . If this clip gave you value and you'd like to see more, this next video has been specially selected for you based on your viewing history. I hope you enjoy it, and if you do, please subscribe to the channel so we can continue to bring you fantastic conversations.

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