Overcoming the Fear of Failure: Strategies for a Maxed Out Life | Ed Mylett

Key Takeaway

Fear isn't something to eliminate—it's something to manage. You don't need 100% confidence to take action; you just need 51% excitement and 49% fear. The key is learning to dance with fear rather than waiting for it to disappear. Use the 'Take Six' technique: when fear strikes, take six deep breaths in through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth as if breathing through a straw. This simple exercise deactivates your stress response and reactivates your thinking brain, giving you back control.

Episode Overview

This episode explores the nature of fear and provides practical neuroscience-based strategies for managing it. The speakers debunk common myths about fear, explain its biological mechanisms, and share actionable techniques like the 'Take Six' breathing exercise and the AIA (Awareness, Intention, Action) framework to help listeners move from paralysis to productive action.

Full Transcript

Transcript of Overcoming the Fear of Failure: Strategies for a Maxed Out Life | Ed Mylett from The Ed Mylett Show. Auto-generated from episode audio; may contain minor errors.

Hey everyone, welcome to my weekend special. I hope you enjoy the show. Hit that like button and be sure to subscribe to the YouTube channel so you never miss my show whether it's Tuesday, Thursday or Saturday. Now on with the show. show. show. Welcome back. So good to have you with me here today and I'm honored to spend this brief time with you. I think I have something important to ask you about and for us to visit about today. So let's get right into it. What are your fears costing you?

I think it's time to evaluate that. like you and I right now, what are your fears costing you? You know, we have these weights that weigh us down in our lives, these burdens, these fears that we have. Have you ever stopped to think about what it's actually costing you to have these anchors and these weights wearing you down? These fears. You know, people ask me all the time, Ed, is making your dreams come true, the work you put in, the sacrifices you made, the people that let you down, all the dark times in your life, all the times you went broke, both financially and emotionally, is it worth it?

It's a very interesting question because they always phrase it that way. Is it worth it? Yet, in our lives, we spend most of our times evaluating and contemplating what it's going to cost us. So, let me say something to you upfront. The price you will pay to become the person you're worthy of. The price you will pay to become the real you. The price you will pay to make your dreams come true and your vision a reality and the people around you blissful and happy. That price and there's a severe price is infinitely smaller than the price you're going to pay if you don't and that others around you will pay.

You know, I don't think God gave you another day in your life because you needed it. I think he added another day to your life because somebody needed you. But here's the thing. They need the real you, the authentic you, the one who's playing all out in their life and pursuing their dreams. I can tell you the answer to that question is as good as you think it'll be to make your dreams come true and dreams that you can't even imagine right now. Visions of your life, but maybe even more importantly, as good as you think it would feel to meet the real you, the one you were born to be.

And remember this, you were born to do something great with your life, but to finally get introduced or reacquainted or reintroduced to that person. Maybe you years ago knew them very well, that version of you, but things have happened. and these anchors, these fears, these toxic relationships, whatever they might be, these disappointments in our life, we've moved so far away from that person that we're capable of becoming that we don't even recognize them anymore. As good as you think it'll be to meet that person for the first time or once again, it's a million times better.

Now, here's the hook. You have to start thinking like a rich person. And I don't mean just financially. I mean rich in spirit, rich in emotions, rich in relationships. And for many of you, including me, we want to be rich financially. People ask me all the time, Ed, why do you put out all this free content? I mean, you put out the best content in the world. Everybody else charges for inferior content. You put out the best stuff. And I appreciate when people say that, and you don't really charge for it.

This is free. I do that because I believe in the law of reciprocity. I also want to make the world better. And I believe I put out enough good stuff. If someday I ask you to come to an event or participate in something, you probably want to come. But I want to pour into you because I don't think God gave me another day because I needed it. I think he gave me another day because people need me and they need you. And you need to remember you were born to do something great with your life.

My brother, my sister, you were. And I want to remind you of that today. But I think it's time to evaluate what are my fears, my patterns, a toxic person in a relationship that I'm in with right now that's weighing me down. What's it ultimately costing me? Cuz it's just your life. That's all we're talking about. Just you, just your life. And by the way, you're not getting out of it alive. You are not getting out of this alive. So all these things that are weighing you down are truly silly because at the end, we all end up in the same situation where our body eventually ceases to exist and hopefully our soul goes to heaven.

But in your case, you got to stop thinking like a poor person. And I I'm talking to me as much as I am you. Let me tell you what I mean by poor. poor in spirit, poor in emotion, and poor financially. See, when I was broke financially, when I would go into a store and I wanted something, I wouldn't get what I wanted. I would get what I could afford. Sound familiar? So, I was a guy who would flip price tags over. Oh, it's this. It's this.

And I would evaluate what it would cost me, not what it was worth. And so, often times in life, people ask me, Ed, was it worth it? But in their life, they spend most of the time contemplating the cost. It's going to cost me this. It's going to cost me that. You know, maybe I want to become the person, but it'll cost me losing this person in my life. It'll cost me time. It'll cost me my hobby that I like spending so much time in. It'll cost me pain and emotion and whatever.

It'll cost me I'd have to let go of my fears. I'd have to let go of my patterns. And these invisible things that weigh us down in our life, they kill us. And so, there's a lot of walking dead in the world. There's this old saying that they say it about men, but it's people. Most people die 75 or 80 years old, but they really stopped living at 21 or 22 or 23 years old. We just don't put them into the ground until they're older. Too many people are walking around like this.

And maybe you relate to it. Maybe you relate to a percentage of it. These fears, these relationships, these things we worry about, these invisible boogeymen. What are people going to be thinking about me? Do you want to get to the end of your life? And if someone asks you honestly, how did you live your life? Do you want to answer truthfully? Scared. I lived afraid. Afraid I wasn't good enough. Afraid I wasn't worth it. Afraid of what other people would think about me. Afraid to lose people around me that didn't even love me or care about me or want me to be my best.

I lived my life afraid. Or at the end you want to say, man, I maxed out my life. I got all the emotions, all the memories, all the achievements, achievements, achievements, all the richness in every area out of my life. If I maxed out my life, well, I could tell you this. If you hold on to these anchors much longer, it's going to keep costing you. And the longer you do it, see, even these things, sometimes what holds us back is our feeling bad about things we've done in the past that we're not proud of.

And we use these memories as weapons against ourselves. We stab ourselves with it over and over or someone who's cheated on us or made a mistake. We we use them as weapons against ourselves. And it that's what you need to be asking yourself, whether it's worth it. Is it worth it to make your dreams come true? Is it worth it to change? Is it worth it to grow? You bet it is a million times better. Cuz when you make your original dreams come true, you don't understand the ripple effects of all these other things you can't even think about right now that happen.

When you meet the real you, it's spectacular. You have to remember this. You can't love yourself. Everyone here, man and woman, macho man, and every singlebody listen to this, okay? You can't love yourself if you don't even know yourself. And you can't know yourself if you're not truly being yourself. And these anchors cause us not to be us. I'm personally haunted with the thought of getting to the end of my life and never meeting me, meeting me, meeting me, never getting introduced to me. I want to meet that man.

I'm interested in who he is. And I want to do the things every single day because once I got wealthy and I was rich and I went into a store, I didn't look at price tags anymore. I looked at whether it was worth it and I got what I wanted. And our lives are a perfect metaphor of that. We're constantly evaluating the cost instead of whether or not it's worth it. Cost versus worth is a subtle difference. Is it worth it to change? Is it worth it to let go of these memories?

Is it worth it to drop your fears? You'll never meet you otherwise. Some of us are held back by crappy programming our parents installed in us when we were young. Remember this. Most things in life are caught, not taught. We catch a way of thinking. We catch a way of having emotions. emotions. emotions. And we have to ungo. We have to un unleash ourselves and let go of those things in our life. So what's the thing for you? What's the thing? Is it a person you need to let go of?

Is it a fear you need to let go of? Is it an operating pattern? Is it a memory as a weapon you're using against yourself? Is it just you're just not sure? You got to remember who the hell you are. And if you've never met them, you need to get introduced and you need to get acquainted because I can tell you of all the jets and islands and cool stuff I've accumulated in my life, all the accumulations are wonderful. I want you to accumulate the things you want that will provide memories for your family if they matter to you.

The donations you can make, the people you can be there for, all the different things you can do when you get financially secure. All those things are incredible, but they don't bring us fulfillment. They can bring us temporary happiness. And there's nothing wrong with temporary happiness, but fulfillment, all of that stuff doesn't add up to meeting you, finally meeting you at some point in your life. Don't you want to meet you or get reacquainted because you once knew her? There was a time in your life where you knew her or him.

You'll never meet them otherwise. And so I have to tell you something. You have to start. You have to start to make a bold move in your life because you're worth it. Your family's worth it. And the world needs you. You were born for a reason. You were born to do something great in small ways and in big ways in your life. And often times in our lives, what hold us back sometimes is the stories we tell ourselves. See, it's not the events of our lives, circumstances that define us.

It's the meaning we take away from those events. And those meanings create an emotion. And that emotion drives our behavior. That emotion of fear, that emotion of anxiety, that emotion of sadness. Or it could be an emotion of bliss, of confidence, of increase, of belief, of being guided, of being protected. But you have to ask yourself that question. See, it's not the event, it's the stories we tell ourselves. And listen to me, an emotion cannot exist long term without a story attached to it. You've had a lot of things happen in your life that were emotional, but the story didn't stick or you didn't take away the wrong meaning.

And so that emotion doesn't stay. If you're feeling one of those emotions, it's attached to a story. It's a story you're telling yourself. The emotion can't stay without the story. And the story is just the meaning you took from the event. It's just a meaning you took from an event. So sometimes the story you're telling yourself is I don't want to be alone so I'm hanging on to this person that still weighs me down or where I'm at is good enough because I don't want to risk what I've got and that's a story or I've made this mistake before or someone hurt me and what it meant was XYZ and you have a feeling about it.

These anchors are actually lies we tell ourselves that are anchored in a story that doesn't serve us that causes an emotion that sticks. So if we change the story either we take a different meaning from an event and say could it have meant this? See when I was a young man with my dad's drinking I thought this means our family's less than and we're dysfunctional and all these things I attached to the to the the meaning I attached to that story that was happening. And then at one point I realized, no, what was actually happening was God was using that to teach me how to learn to be present with people and read people and be empathetic with people and believe in people and that God was using that story for me.

When my baseball career ended, I I was injured. It probably ended a career that would have ended anyway, quite frankly, but I was a pretty good player. And when I got injured, I remember thinking, man, this is my only dream in my entire life, right? God doesn't answer prayers, right? This was my prayer to do this, right? The meaning of this is I just was never good enough. The meaning from it was it just wasn't meant to be. I wasn't meant to be somebody. I wasn't meant to do something great with my life.

And I attached all these meanings to what was a pretty traumatic event. But I could have attached the meaning of that time that God's got something bigger in store for me. That there's something bigger and bolder for me. And that Edlet I thought I was was not going to be a baseball player, but the Ed Mlet I thought I was could be this other person who contributes to millions of people's lives. So once I attached a meaning to it that what God really did was I probably would have played three or four or five more years and then been released and then been in my mid to late 20s and maybe I wouldn't have taken advantage of a lot of the opportunities that came along.

So that career ended right when it was supposed to so that I could start to redirect my life in a direction. And from there, I got a job at an orphanage. And that orphanage changed my life. Because of that orphanage, I met these young boys that looked just like me. These boys were all wards of the court. They were taken from their families or their families were incarcerated or dead and had molested them at some point in their life. And so, baseball ended. I'm finding myself making $6 an hour at an orphanage.

And I'm thinking, God, you took multi-million dollars playing in front of hundreds of thousands of people a year, 50,000 people a night from me to be with eight children in a cottage making six bucks an hour. And that's exactly what he was doing because what I needed to be was I needed to be connected with people. I needed to love people. And what's even crazier about it is the way I connected with those boys is they had grown up with all this pain and suffering and dysfunction in their homes.

And that's what I grew up with in a different way with my father being an alcoholic when I was young. My career had to end that exact day it ended so that I would end up in that exact house with those exact boys and they could have someone who understood them, who could see them, and knew who they really were because I was just like them. I recently said to Jesse Lee on my podcast, I said, "All people that go through any pain in their life, especially when they're young, we have different eyes.

We just have different eyes. Our eyes just say, "Please love me. Please protect me. Please be good to me. Please be kind. Please be gentle. Please believe in me." We have these different eyes. And I remember when I walked in there, they had my eyes. Not the same color eyes. My boys were of every ethnicity, every background. We had those eyes. And when I meet someone who's gone through pain in their life, I see those eyes. eyes. eyes. But I found out something. We don't just have the same eyes.

We actually have the same heart. We have the same heart. And every single human being has that heart. It's whether or not they'll unleash it. Unleash the real them. Release the real them. Or will they continue in their life to suppress the real them and settle for this less than version of them because they've created a bunch of stories and a bunch of fears and a bunch of relationships in their life that they hide in these stories. They hide in these emotions and they never unleash the real them.

I've figured this out. All I've ever wanted to do is change how I feel. I didn't like how I felt. I wanted to change how I feel so I would accumulate and achieve and do things to change how I feel in my life. And as I've gotten older, I've realized if I can change how I feel, I can get all those things the easy way. And that's what I've started to do in my life, maybe from 40 to right now 52 years old. So, I want to challenge you today.

Evaluate this thought. Evaluate what are your fears costing you? What are these anchors costing you? I want you to really pray about it. Really think about if you're on a walk right now. You're driving in your car. Just what's it costing me? And what would my life look like potentially? And by the way, you don't even really know. Just so you know, it's going to be so much bigger, so much more beautiful, so many small things that are going to happen along the way of you meeting you.

And by the way, what's great is you continue to meet new versions of you. See, when you start to live your life without all these fears, without all these people anchoring you down, with all these patterns and stories, what's great about it is there's a new you that shows up every couple years, and there's this new version of you, an improved version of you every year. One of the things I'm excited about is to meet the 55year-old me, cuz I didn't die at 21 or 22 like most people, getting around to bury me at 85 or 90.

No, no, no, no. I'm reborn all the time. I can't wait to meet the 55-year-old me. I'm chasing that guy. When I get there, I can't wait to meet the 60-year-old me. But the 25-year-old me was nothing like the 30-year-old me. I mean, a similar character, but different life, different contribution, different thoughts, too many people are exactly the same person they were two or three years ago. And that's what it's really costing you, isn't it? And the reason you're not happy or as happy as you could be is you know this isn't you.

You know You know this isn't you. You know there's more in you. Deep down in your heart and your soul and your spirit, the reason you're not happy isn't these other people. Isn't your boss, isn't your job, isn't your body, isn't your lack of money, isn't any of it. It's that you know this really isn't you. You know this really isn't you. And it's time you meet him. It's time you meet her. It's time at least you get reacquainted if you once knew them. I want to challenge you to do that today.

I want to challenge you to step out and drop whatever that anchor is or multiple anchors or these weapons you're using, these mistakes you've made, these choices that you regret, blah blah blah. Stop it. That's not who you are. Your destiny is now. It's in the future. It's moving forward. And there's something great waiting for you. And is the price worth it? Absolutely. Is the cost worth it? A,000%. Because eventually you start getting what you want, not just what you can afford in your life. And here's the truth.

You can't afford to get to the end of this life without meeting you. Cuz only then will you love you. When you're being you, you can meet you. And when you meet you, you can truly love you. It's time for you to step up. Remember once again, I'm going to tell you, he didn't add another day for you cuz you needed it. He added another day because some other person and the world needs the real you. All right, welcome back to Max Out everybody. what an honor it is to be with this gentleman here today and to share him with all of you.

Um I guess probably the thing I admire most about him is that he came to this space I think similarly to how I did which is that almost reluctantly. Um he was a person building businesses and becoming successful in the real world applying the things he was learning from personal development and making those things a reality in his life. And then after he had business success, being sought after enough, he decided to start to teach the things that had helped him become successful. And I love that there's a track record behind the incredible things we're going to cover today.

Multiple time New York Times bestseller bestseller bestseller um company called NeuroGyim that you're going to fall in love with everybody. Bunch of different books. His recent one I read in two days called Innersize. I highly recommend you all get this. Um most of you are probably familiar from him for the first time from The Secret. He's one of the stars, if not the star of the secret. Um, bunch of different books, The Answer, so many great things. And, uh, it's an honor to have him today because I consider him on earth one of, if not the greatest expert on the brain, on the inner mechanics of the brain, mindset, and peak performance.

And so, I know it's what all of you want to talk about. So, I have John Asarf here with me today. John, thanks for being here, brother. brother. brother. And it's so good to be here, and thank you for uh, giving me the honor to be here with you. Pleasure is mine, as you know. Um, we're going to go right into the good stuff here with this man. Uh, there's too much gold there to to kind of go to generalities. Well, we were doing this during the COVID pandemic and and people will watch this at any given time.

It could be two or three years from now. But I want to talk about fear to start. Uh, a lot of people are afraid right now and uh, whether they've lost a job and they're afraid it's not coming back, they've lost money, their business is going potentially backwards, maybe they've lost the fitness they achieved and some of the weight they had lost is returned uh, possibly. And inner size, you teach these first two exercises and if you could talk about take six, calm the circuits, if you would start, we're going right to the good stuff.

Plus, everyone's going to want to get the book after we do this. So, could you talk about fear and some help that you could provide people in that regard? that regard? that regard? Sure. If um if everybody could imagine for a moment you're driving a car and everything's going great and all of a sudden a light pops up on your dash. Now, the average person won't take a hammer and hit the light to turn it off. An average person will take a look at what is that light?

Am I low on windshield wiper fluid? Am I low on air in my tires? Is my back trunk open? What what's going on? So just like the signal in a car is meant to make you aware, fear is a trigger in our subconscious mind that real or imagined danger has percolated in our brain. And so fear, there's nothing wrong with fear. We can actually use fear as fuel. Now I like to, you know, give people visuals. So imagine if you have, you know, two parts of your brain.

There's many more, but imagine these two. We have the Einstein brain and we have the Frankenstein brain. And when fear gets activated, let's assume that that's our Frankenstein brain going, "What if? What if you get hurt? What if you lose money? What if you die? What if you get embarrassed, ashamed, ridiculed, or judged?" And so where why does Frankenstein even get activated? Because we're not born with those fears. And so if we're not born with those fears, that means that something in our brain is triggering this reaction automatically without our thought.

And that is what we call is the fear response. And we also know that that fear response causes something called the sympathetic nervous system to activate which causes us to want to fight, freeze, or run away. That's just the absolute reaction at a biological level of what is happening. Now, when we want to deactivate that sympathetic nervous system, there's several what I call our inner sizes that we can do that actually gives us more control, more power, and the ability to reactivate the Einstein part of the brain.

So, inner size number one is really, really simple. It's called take six, calm the circuits. So as soon as you catch yourself uh in a state of uh doubt, fear, worry, anxiety, stress, that means that Frankenstein's activated. If you just took six deep breaths in through your nose as slowly as you could and then you exhaled as if you're exhaling through a straw in your mouth. If you just had that did that six times, that very simple inner size would deactivate the Frankenstein brain and allow you to reactivate your thinking, imagination, Einstein part of your brain.

And then you can do the second inner size which puts you right back in control. And that one I call is a AIA a which is now a matter of awareness. awareness of my thoughts, emotions, feelings, sensations, or the behaviors that I've just taken or the one I'm afraid to take. And in a pure state of awareness without judgment, blame, shame, guilt, or justification. Let me repeat, without any judgment, blame, shame, guilt, or justification of the feeling or the thought or the behavior. Now I'm empowered again because now I can observe.

And now in this observational mode I could say okay what's my intention let's say for the next 10 minutes well my intention is to be happy great my intention is to be productive great my intention is to you know take action on this one thing that's going to help me towards my goal and dream so in the awareness and in the intention then if I say what's one small action step I could take towards what I want instead of what I don't want so all of a sudden of interrupting ed a fear pattern.

I've created this state of awareness. I've set an intention and now I'm taking action towards what I want versus being paralyzed by what I don't want and a fear that may or may not be real. So awareness is what actually gives us choice and choice is what actually gives us freedom if we make the right choices. right choices. right choices. Welcome back to the show everybody. So every once in a while a topic keeps coming up in the questions. So at edmyled.com we get a lot of questions.

Ed, please cover this topic. Instagram, we get a lot of DMs. And the number one topic easily the last 90 days has been fear. So many people are scared right now about their lives, about the economy, about the world, about not making their dreams come true. Just fear in general. And there's so much BS out there in the personal development space on this topic that I want to look it right in the eyes. And I want to deal with it today. Okay. And I want to give you some strategies that can help you like real ones and also just discuss the topic in general.

You know, one of the things that frustrates me, especially in self-help, personal development, entrepreneurship, is people say, "Fear isn't real." You ever hear that before? And immediately your BS meter goes off. Of course, fear is real. You ever heard that analogy? They love to give you this one, the old school, right? False evidence appearing real. Fear. What a croc. like totally wrong. Fear is very real. And if you've ever felt it, it's visceral. And if you've had a really deep fear, you know, absolutely it's real.

And by the way, some of the things we're afraid of, nobody's going to tell you this in personal development. You're always supposed You can overcome every fear. You ever heard that before? You can overcome all of it. Listen, some fears are there for a reason. They're wired into our DNA, into our neurobiochemistry for a reason, which is to help us focus, which is to warn us of threats, of things that could be very, very real. Have you ever had somebody try to break into your home and you feel fear?

That's real and they're trying to break into your home. Now, there's a difference between hearing a noise in the middle of the night and beginning to imagine someone's trying to break into your house and someone really trying to do that. It's imagining something that's not true. That's dangerous. But many fears are real and fear is not necessarily a bad thing. It's not a fun thing almost ever, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. So, it's not false evidence appearing real every time. It just isn't. Sometimes it's real evidence appearing very real and you have every reason in the world to feel scared or have fear.

So, let's just get real about that. Number one, let's get that off the top. this BS that it's false evidence appearing real. So the question is what do we do with fear when it rears its head? What is it? How does it work? It's a really interesting thing because here's how real fear is. As soon as you recognize fear, here's what happens. The amygdala, which is a really small organ in the middle of your brain, it goes to work immediately. It alerts your nervous system, sets your body's fear response in motion.

Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline are pumped through your body. Your blood pressure and heart rate increase dramatically. That's what happens to you. Matter of fact, you know what else happens to you? All the blood begins to move from your heart to your extremities to your hands and feet so that you can fight. It's literally what's happening in your body. And so sometimes fear is very real. My fighters, my UFC fighters that I work with, my boxers, people ask them all the time, "Do you get scared before you come into the octagon?" People think all the time, "These these men and women are bulletproof.

They're just different than us. They're freaks. They're never scared. You know what most of them say? And by the way, 100% of the honest ones, "Yes, I'm scared." And if they weren't scared, they wouldn't perform as well. Ironically, fear does not always performance, especially in athletics, because like I said, it moves the blood from your heart to your hands and your feet so that you can begin to act and punch and move faster and stronger. Now, but thinking, critical thinking, processing information, that's a whole different story alto together.

And when you're pumped full of adrenaline, you're pumped full of cortisol, right? You don't think as clearly. So, we need to really look at this fear thing in its eyes. Now, here's the good news. Fear and excitement and excitement and excitement are cousins. They're related. What actually goes on in your body when you're enthusiastic, you're excited, call it even anxious, you're pumped up, right? in your body from a biochemistry standpoint is almost identical to fear. The difference is what you're thinking and what you're processing and your ability to process information, but your body really moves the same way.

And so the question is, can we shift ourselves from a completely fear-based state into an enthusiastic, pumped up, excited state? And by the way, you don't have to move all the way there where you've eradicated fear completely. Here's the misnomer and this is why most people never take action. They think if I can't eliminate fear altogether, I can't start that business. I can't get up there and do public speaking. I can't go overcome my fear of heights. I can't ask that person out on a date.

I can't write my book. They think I have to eradicate all fear, right? It's actually not true. You have to get to 51%. That's all it is. 51% excitement and and enthusiasm. when 49% of its fear, you can take action in that state. This notion that you have to have this threshold of you eliminated your fears, you're you're going to live a long time before all of those are gone. People ask me all the time before I speak in public, they'll say to me, you know, cuz I, you know, I speak 80 nights a year, do you get scared?

Are you afraid? My answer is always, yeah, I do have fear. Uh I I'm afraid I won't serve to the level that I can. Maybe I'll forget a story or something I want to cover. I don't want to let people down. I don't want to embarrass myself. My biggest fear of my life when I was young in college as a dramatic introvert is public speaking. And now it's one of the things I do 80 times a year and I'm in front of a camera probably a hundred more times a year.

That's actually not true. Probably 200 more times a year. So it became something that could me if I didn't learn to face it. if I didn't learn to dance with it, which is what we're going to talk about today. I'm not trying to eliminate it. So, what I normally will say is I'll say, "Yeah, I have fear, but it's a little bit more like excitement. It's a little bit more like I'm anxious. It's a little bit more like um kind of looking forward to what's going to happen in that magic moment." So, I try to get at least a 51% excitement of my thoughts and 49% fear.

Now, I'll be honest with you. The more and more you do something, it becomes 60% excitement, 40% fear. A little bit longer, a little bit more reps, it can be 80% excitement, 20% fear. You might even get to a point in your life where you're no longer afraid and you're just excited. But the reason I point this out to you is this notion that you have to have a 100% of the fear gone or dealt with it to take action is really one of the most misunderstood really detrimental thoughts that's been sewed into society and culture.

You got to overcome your fears. You're not going to overcome every single fear. Maybe you need to face them. Maybe you need to dance with them. I'm going to give you some strategies in a minute. Maybe you need to deal with it. Maybe you need to run it all the way to its conclusion in your mind, but it's really a matter of changing some of our thoughts. And by the way, that's not easy to do either, but I'm going to show you some of the ways how.

You ever have somebody say, "Hey, calm down. Calm down." Does that help you calm down? You know, hey, man, just think positively. Think positively. I'm afraid of heights and we're up here in the mountains. You think positively, right? So, what ends up happening is your physiology overrides your thinking. So, thoughts can impact physiology, right? an action, but physiology can override a thought most times. Not all the time, but most of the time, physiology will be the driver. Okay? So, we got to change what we think, but we probably need to do a few things deeper than that as well.

So, calm down doesn't work. Think positive doesn't work. These are not things that work. So, really what fear is, it's an alert to your nervous system. nervous system. nervous system. You know what I say? Let's listen to our fears all the way to the end of the story. You know, when I was a little boy, I um I was always afraid there was a boogeyman in the house. That wasn't a completely unfounded fear. I mean, someone could do that, but I remember my dad would come in and he'd open my closet.

He go, Eddie, look, there's no boogeyman in the closet. There's no boogeyman in the closet. But then he said something more important than that. He said, "And if there was, daddy will handle him. handle him. handle him. Daddy will handle him." And that gave me some comfort. What he did is he reframed the story. So the first thing is we did a little BS check. Is this a real fear? And a lot of times the boogeyman you're afraid of isn't real. But he could be or they could be or it could be.

But then he took me to the end of the story basically saying everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. It's not that bad. And when you begin to stare the boogeymen of your life in the face, almost every single time, you will find out it's not as bad as you think. And that's how you learn to shift to excitement, excitement, excitement, anticipation. anticipation. anticipation. See, I call it that Friday night feeling before I speak now, before I do anything I'm afraid of. I call them butterfly moments.

I wrote about butterflies in my first book called Max Out. And I've learned after 50 plus years on this planet that all great things in my life have been preceded by butterfly moments. You know those butterflies you get like when you're dropping down in a roller coaster, you get the butterflies. I call it that Friday night feeling if you were a high school football player. If you were a guy, you know, or you were a lady and you played soccer or softball or you were a guy or a lady before a high school prom or a dance or your first date, you get those butterflies in your life.

those butterflies, that's your chemistry changing, your biochemistry changing, your neurobiology changing. And what that is is it's fear. It's fear. But it's a lot different when you don't call fear fear. And you reframe it and name it a butterfly moment, a butterfly moment. And by the way, think about your own life. All of the butterfly moments of your life, all the great moments of your life were preceded by the butterflies. that beautiful first date, your wedding day, the birth of a child, right? The starting of your business, even things that didn't work out, the best memories of your life were preceded by butterflies, which means they were preceded by what you call fear.

Butterflies, I believe, are that beautiful mix of fear, anxiousness, excitement, and enthusiasm as one package reframed. Not eliminating fear, dancing with it, facing it, knowing that without fear, without fear, there's no great moments of our life. Almost none of the great moments of our life didn't come with some kind of butterfly moment. So, I actually chase the butterflies in my life. And the more that becomes your pattern of not running from the butterflies but chasing them, the more that becomes, the more familiar you become with butterfly moments, the more it's reframed into a butterfly moment as opposed to terror, complete fear.

And I'm going to show you how to make it a butterfly in your life where it's excitement and enthusiasm. It's basically just slightly different thinking with the same chemistry going on in your body. And it's not a trick. Doesn't mean the fear isn't real. It doesn't mean I couldn't mess up the speech. It doesn't mean you couldn't fall off the mountain. Doesn't mean that. Doesn't mean there isn't a boogeyman in the closet. It doesn't mean that the person's not going to reject you. It doesn't mean that you couldn't mess up your vows on your wedding day.

All these things that are fears. What I'm saying to you is it's the entire juice of life. You strike me. It's interesting. And you have the most you have such modern information you give yet you are sort of counterculture to the modern world in the sense that you you do live I do sense this about you that you do live a simple life that you do take time for yourself that you aren't chasing every shiny thing that comes your way. I think that makes you very very unique.

So you actually lean you actually hit on one of the questions I had to ask you before we leave because I think it holds so many people back from becoming this hero from revealing their genius which is fear. And so just talk a little bit about how you do lean into fear every single day. So there's a chapter in the everyday hero manifesto called hug the monster and it starts with a story and there's a grandmaster walking up a Himalayan mountain leading a crowd of people and they're going to this great temple looking for great answers and as they go higher and higher more people start to follow the grandmaster and they go higher and higher and more people start to follow this little movement up the mountain.

Once [snorts] they get to the temple, Ed, they notice there's a courtyard. And before they can get into the entryway to meet the supermaster, they see there's three violent dogs on leashes. leashes. leashes. So, the group starts to move into the courtyard, but all of a sudden, the dogs break free of their leashes and they start running towards the group. They start to run faster and all the other people start running down the mountain, terrified. The Grandmaster does who is leading them does something very interesting.

and he starts to smile and then he yawns and then he starts running towards the dogs and the dogs start running even faster. Grandmaster picks up his space, his pace, looks at them, starts running even more quickly. Yawns again for good measure. Dogs run even faster. He runs even faster. Now he starts to dance a little dance, a little tick- tock dance along the way. Eventually these dogs get frightened because they feel his power and they run away. And I think as human beings, we construct a reality of these straw monsters that have been taught to us.

If you love too deeply, you will be hurt. If you build a great business, you will be attacked. If you try to change the world, the world, the world, cynics will laugh at you. I mean, our job is to take the stones that people throw at us and build monuments to mastery that stand the the test of time. I mean, that there that's what the troll deconstruction is about. I mean, you know, you're doing very well when you're being laughed a lot. Every visionary was initially ridiculed before they were revered.

[snorts] So, the point is, you know, someone said to me the other day, "But this all sounds so hard." And you know what? I went back to my hotel room. You know what I thought about? Misery Misery Misery and unfulfilled promise is a lot harder. And I think the discomfort of growth is always to be preferred to the illusion of safety. So, what I would say is the things that all of us are scared about That's where your growth lives and your freedom lies. freedom lies.

freedom lies. Very good. And I think you know it it starts with a a awareness and then it begins with daily bravery practice. Let's call it micro bravery practice. But consistently doing difficult things, getting good at consistently leaning into the things that make our palms sweat and our hands shake. And that becomes a practice. And if you practice it long enough, you get brilliant like it. Just like being a ch a chess master. So, it's almost like every day you go down the steps to the cellar, you turn on the light, and you hug the monster.

And if you hug your monsters, guaranteed you'll realize they were much smaller than you thought they were. So damn good. That is absolutely a billion% right. Oh my gosh. The price you'll pay for not becoming the hero you're capable of becoming is far smaller than the one that you will pay if you never become that person. It's worth hugging that monster every single day. day. day. How do you do it? I lean into it. I actually do what I call feared things first. And it is a habit that I do.

I like to get something done early in my day habitually that I'm a little bit afraid of that I'm a little bit uncomfortable with that I have some anxiety with. I find that once I hug that monster, it was usually smaller than I thought and it creates unbelievable momentum for the rest of my day oftent times for the rest of my month. And so I do do that. I also have become familiar with these monsters. And the more you familiar I think you become with hugging them on a regular basis, the more they sort of lose their power over you.

I've seen this guy before. He's not so bad. I've seen this one before. So the more you face them and you do these difficult things, the more you become familiar with them. It's just like I think it's someone in the NBA who's got to hit a shot with two seconds left. The first time you do it, there's a lot of work. Kobe Bryant hit a whole bunch of them. By the end of it, he was pretty comfortable hitting that shot, under that pressure. And I think the more you put yourself under pressure or duress, you become comfortable in it.

And you find what I call equinimity in those moments, which is the ability to be calm and to function at a high level in it. So I love it. I one of my favorite conversations ever. I was going to be honest with you. I I've loved today and I know everybody else has. I think you're a remarkable man. I really enjoy your company as well. You got a you have this thing that I just I love about most of my good friends which is that I think they have this nuance between real confidence and presence about themselves but yet combined with a huge dose of humility at the same time.

I think people that have a ton of confidence know that humility sometimes it's off-putting off-putting off-putting and they're not curious enough to keep growing and learning because they think they know everything. And then our friends that have this tremendous humility, but they just never step forward with some confidence and build that hug the monster mentality in their life. Sometimes they're tough to be around, too. But that combination is what you really you nuance that so well. I sense you're I I sense you're a good person.

person. person. Thank you. Thank you. You know, and that that really comes through in the conversation. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And that doesn't come easily. It's like hard hard one hard one effort to get to a place where you're living your values the way it's it feels like you're living your values. your values. your values. I appreciate that, brother. And that's mutual. Thank you. You had a piece of content, I think it was this week, that's brilliant. I want to ask you because I think people this is a fair question.

How do you distinguish between when something is fear? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And your intuition talking to you saying you should not do this. So, how do you know it's not intuition instead of fear? This is a tough one because fear is really sneaky and it's a really really really good liar and it'll come in and it'll convince you like, "Oh, no, no, no. This is your intuition. You really shouldn't do this." What has helped me and this has helped me every single time I heard this from somebody and I don't even remember who it was.

I wish I could quote them. I don't remember who told me this, but I was really battling through is this in my intuition? Is this like my gut telling me that I should do this thing or I shouldn't do this thing or or is this fear? And the question is that I ask myself now is whose voice is that? Whose voice is telling you that you should or shouldn't do it? Is it your voice or is it your parents' voice? Is it your husband's voice or your wife's voice or your friend's voice or the random people on the internet's voice and you don't even know who they are.

A lot of the times it's that for people what they will think and we don't even know who they are, right? It's like, well, what will they think? Or it's Susie from college, right? or you know my cousin from ages ago that what they're going to think of me on the internet internet internet and we care so much about that and it's a normal human experience to care what other people think. We want to be liked. We want to be approved of. We want people to say good job.

We do and that's okay. And if you're sitting here listening like, "Oh, that's a bad thing. I don't want to care what people think." We're going to. Yep. I do. Yeah. We all do. But here's the thing. We don't want to wake up I I love how you talk about you think about death often. Mhm. I don't want to wake up on my deathbed one day, my 100th birthday, and say, "Oh, I I let all the random people on the internet or people that I didn't care about dictate my actions, and I let the fear of what they would think of me override my gut intuition of what I knew I was meant to do on this planet." And so I ask myself, is it my voice or is it the voice of somebody else?

else? else? So good. And when I hear my own voice in there, I you know, you know your voice, but when I hear like, well, that's my husband Chris's voice, you know, and even though I love Chris and I care so much what he thinks, and this is for everybody with a partner out there, like I I've done it before where I have made lots of decisions based on somebody that I was in a relationship with and what they would think of me. But now I know better and I'm like, that's Chris's voice, Chris.

That was your voice telling me that I shouldn't. my voice who I I will be proud of myself at the end of this night when I get in my bed and I look up at the ceiling. I'm like, "Did I squeeze all the juice out of the lemon today? Did I do it all? Did I lay it out all on the field or did I did I did I phone it in today?" As long as I listen to my voice and I stay true to who I am, I'm always okay with myself at the end of the night.

So good, Jen. I love this idea of we're going to get into the bed at the end of the day. I Well, so I have time on my wrist. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, I tattooed this on my wrist, not cuz I wanted a tattoo. It's my only tat. And I And it's actually fading off, which is crazy. I don't even know how that happens. But I tattooed this on my wrist to remind me that no matter what, time never stops. Gosh, Gosh, Gosh, discomfort is only temporary all the time.

No matter what, we're both going to end up tonight in our bed. This interview is going to be done. No matter what, no matter if it was amazing or if it was bad or if it was scary or if we were uncomfortable, no matter what happens today, happens today, happens today, this too shall pass. You will end up in your bed. But the person that you become through the uncomfortable moments, through the wins, through the losses, through the hard times, through the ice baths, through the firewalks, through all the stuff that the hard conversations you have to have, or maybe, oh my god, the face plant that you made in front of all those people, no matter what, you being able to withstand all of that stuff and get into your bed at night and understand, wow, I like I can do this.

No matter what, I'm going to end up here. here. here. That's what powers me through. That's what makes you who you are. And that growth that comes with that, that's permanent. permanent. permanent. Okay? If you're driving your car right now, just check the miles per hour because you're going too fast. I can just tell you, you get that fired up listening to somebody. So, just slow down a little bit so that you don't run off the road. That's so good. You're such wisdom for such a young woman.

It's like I I wish I had it when I was your age because it's profound what you're saying. Identity. Uh we both talk about identity a great deal and I think it's almost invisible to most people. So, you know, when you really listen to someone or you watch them, you can begin to hear their identity. I'm working with a couple new athletes right now. now. now. And people ask me all the time, "What do you work with when you're with athletes?" Or, "What do you work with when you're with a CEO of a company or an entertainer or whatever?" It might be Say My Name, which I think Say My Name, which I think might be Beyonce.

I'm not completely right. Am I right about that? Probably. Probably. Probably. I am right about that. The fact that I know that is pretty bizarre. And if I'm wrong, it's close enough, everybody. But it was rattling in my head. So, um, anyway, I might be right. It's close. But what I work with, usually when I'm talking with athletes or working with them, there's all kinds of different techniques. But at the end of the day, if I distilled it down, it's both their confidence and their identity.

Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. At the top levels, people still struggle with confidence. When you see an athlete go in a slump is that they don't know how to hit anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. Couple negative results happen. They started to move towards that story and all of a sudden they're lacking confidence. And so if you have to work on your self-confidence or your identity, welcome to being a human. And I'm talking about people that have led big countries, run big companies, are the top athletes in the world.

I think a lot of people think, well, I struggle with my confidence, so I'm not like these other people. It's natural to them. Yeah. Right. Until they have a big setback and then it's not so natural or they just have this amazing identity and they just have more Yeah. until they don't anymore. Until the success is stripped of them. So, how does one begin to build a new identity and how important is it? It's everything. You know, your identity is your most critical story that's inside of you that shapes everything you see.

Like we think we see the world uh with our eyes, right? We think we hear things with our ears, but you really don't. You hear with your your story, right? You see with your story, and identity is like your truest, most uh precious part of your story, the one that you're going to like stand up for day after day. And a lot of people do have identities that are not supporting them. Uh you know they have identities or belief systems around like I I've written a couple books on speaking public speaking right I've been speaking all around the world for years and years and years.

And so we'll train somebody and they'll go you know I always get nervous right before I speak and and I and what I try and do is like that can't be the way you think about this. And they go well no I get over it. I go, "Yeah, but nervousness, you're either in one of two emotional states. I'm going to generalize here a little bit. Uh when you do anything, you're either in a protective state. You're walking in like if I come in here and I'm go, "All right, I don't know this guy.

What's he going to ask me?" Uh, you know, I'm in a protective state. I'm not going to be as good. Words aren't going to flow. The mind's not going to work. Or I'm in a growth state, right? Like m I've already flubbed some words, made some mistakes. I don't even worry about that when I'm speaking. I don't even worry about that. that I probably made like 84 mistakes already, right? If we've been counting. Yeah, I I'm just kidding. I've been counting. But it doesn't bother me, right?

Because I'm not worried about that. My identity is is not that I've got to be perfect every single time. My identity is just I give everything I've got. I'm going to just pour everything I have into this and we're going to have some fun. But my identity, and I'm sure yours has shifted a lot, you know, from childhood. I was that person that thought life was hard. I thought I was that person that thought life wasn't freaking fair. man, why do how come I don't have a debt?

I had to shift that. I had to shift that. And that. And that. And at the core of who we are as our identity and and when you really get clear on what that is, you can and if you don't like it, you don't have to stick with it, right? You can shift it and change it. I love what you were saying earlier. It it's to me it's like carving away at something. something. something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't look at it as like one and done, right?

You know, I know there's some lag time, but I'm just going to carve away today. Carve away, carve away, carve away. And then it does start feeling more and more real. And then you're living it. Yeah. And then life is so much easier because you're not even seeing the same world you used to see. So true. So true. So true. It's a completely different world you're experiencing. And that may be hard for people to imagine like what do you mean it's a different world? Like everyone sees the same thing.

No, they don't. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had a friend I was in a a car accident. Um Well, it wasn't bad. But we were in Hawaii. This friend of mine, CEO of a company was driving. His daughter was in the back. She was like six years old. And somebody hit him in from behind. So his experience was he's pissed off like gets out, you know, he's kind of angry. Uh and I'm sitting in the car, his daughter in the back, you know, she called me uncle T.

She goes, "Hey, Uncle T." Goes, "Can we go out and look?" She goes, "This is so exciting, right?" You know, this is SO I'VE NEVER BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT BEFORE. So people don't see the same thing. They do not. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, brother, that is such a good example. on identity. There's little pieces of ourselves that we begin to realize. Like I used to hear people say, I give you one little subtle thing that might help everybody. I was just thinking of it when you said it.

Why hear, and I say this often, too, like my a lot of my the separation is in the preparation I say or like, you know, a lot of my confidence comes from how prepared I am. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a real fine line with that though because years ago it it drifted into something dangerous for me. So yeah, I do think you need to be prepared. But I think a lot of people what holds them back is the threshold of what they think they need to know before they act.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You agree with that? Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. So like they they get this preparation thing conflated where they go, "Yeah." And so I'm just preparing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And if I just knew a little bit more about it, if I was a little bit more prepared, if I had a little bit more knowledge, if I went to one more seminar, if I read one more book, if I just had one more exercise, then I'd take action. What I find is the identity level of people that do find bliss, do find success, is their threshold for what they think they need to know before they leap is lower.

And the people that struggle, the threshold of what they think they need to know or be prepared or capable of is so high that they never quite meet that threshold to take a leap. That was just a subtle thing for me. That's such a great point because I, you know, there's people in life that whatever they do, they just seem to get the ball in the end zone. Yes. Yes. Yes. Right. and and you know, were they more prepared? Maybe, but a lot of times they weren't.

And then there's people that and they're good people, but they always need that extra little thing and and that you know, they're never quite ready and everything looks good and then it doesn't work out. Y uh I do little tests with this stuff on me and I'm sure you do it on you too, but I do some crazy things, right? Like um I was asked years ago, actually it was 2005, so it was many years ago, I was asked to play in this poker tournament. Now, I had played poker exactly one time in my life, and it was back in college, so it was 20 years before.

before. before. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And and these guys are saying, you know, come on. It's going to be great. There's going to be some World Series of Poker uh uh players that play in the World Championships that are going to be there. And I'm like, guys, I don't even know how to play. Like, I don't even remember anything. They go, "Oh, yeah. Come on. You're going to be fun." So, I said, "All right, I'll do it." And I said, "Uh, you got to spend I told one of the guys, you got to spend 10 minutes with me with me with me and and just show me the hands so I can remind me of the rules and things like that." Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. But I didn't watch and and you know, because I'm not I I don't play poker. I haven't played since, but I didn't watch tutorials. I didn't read books. And I only had like a week to prepare. But here's what I did. The every time because my identity was at first it was like I'm going to suck at this. I'm going to embarrass myself. if I'm going to lose early. And I'm like, "No, stop that. Stop." I said, "Put a new thought process in.

Put a new belief system in." And literally, this is crazy, but I told myself over and over again that I made great decisions and I found a way to win. And every time I thought of it, and I didn't, you know, I didn't proactively think of a lot, but every time I thought about, oh, that thing's coming up. Yep. I made great decisions, found a way to win. Now, when I said it though, I was like in a confident state, right? I made sure I matched what I wanted to uh the this the emotional state that I wanted to have.

And I literally believed that I was going to win the damn thing, right? And so I I remember I'm getting ready to leave and my so my wife knew I'd never played before or played once and she I said, "Hey, I'm getting ready to leave to go to that poker tournament." She goes, "What time does it start?" I said, " 6:30." She goes, "I'll see you at 7:00." And so anyways, I went I didn't even let that right cuz you had the naysayers now. She was just playing with me.

We've been married 30 years. You just met her. Uh, but I went and and I just, you know, I had this confidence, like unearned confidence, confidence, confidence, totally unearned confidence, but people are making mistakes and I'm I win my table and and then I get, you know, finally the championship table and now I have one guy left. I had like this huge pile of chips and he didn't have as many, but he was like, you know, one of these really good players and people are saying, "Oh, you're this guy's beating you.

Doesn't know how to play." And guys getting pissed off and he goes all in. And I go all in and you know I win and that's awesome. My friends are picking me up and I got this, you know, big huge trophy I and bracelet and all this kind of stuff. And so I come back, it's like 2:00 in the morning. I open the door of of the bedroom. My wife's long asleep. Turn the light on. Guess who you're sleeping with tonight? Now that I'm not saying I could have done that 10 times in a row, but literally I I consciously uh burned all the boats.

I did not allow a thought that was going to lower my confidence in any way. And I did it for about a week, right? So great. Yeah. But but that's what happens, right? You know that you you and even if I wouldn't have won, I know I would have played a heck of a lot better because I had done that. That's the thing that most people don't get. Well, I didn't win. Well, were you better? Yeah. Okay, then do it. That's the whole point. By the way, I love that term unearned confidence.

Obviously, the highest form of confidence is something you've earned. But let me tell you something. Unearned confidence is a pretty damn good substitute. And it's a whole lot when you got to go. And by the way, what most people think, this is what they'd say to themselves. I've earned lack of confidence. And so you think you have to earn this confidence thing all the time. It is absolutely not true. And not enough of you give yourself credit for your intentions either. You don't give yourself enough credit just for your intentions to serve, your intentions to contribute.

contribute. contribute. And it's a huge huge thing. I I I love that story because, you know, for me, I where's it come from for me often? I had two friends the last week say something to me. I have a couple things I'm illprepared for. Like I have no life experience to prepare me for a couple things. Kind of like this poker tournament for you. Really good friend of mine, John Gordon said, and by the way, we've talked a lot about energy today. I'm also a Christian, so I'm both.

And John, and he's a good Christian friend of mine. He goes, "Ed, faith over fear. Choose faith over fear." I'm like, "That feels good, man." And then like 3 days later, my next door neighbor at the beach, Jerry, Jerry, if you're listening to this, thank you for this gift. He's like, "Hey, man. I've just all my life I've chosen faith over fear." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it just I was like, "Wow." Now, that's that vibrational frequency thing, right? Like like all of a sudden, both of these messages were being directed to me.

For me, that applies to my Christian faith. But for some of you, it might be I'm going to have faith in the work I've put in. put in. put in. I'm going to have faith that, you know, that everything always works out for me. But sometimes it's just a matter of taking a leap and going I'm going to choose faith over fear because what is holding you back is the fear. So I just wanted to share that with everybody. One thing one thing on that on too Ed is uh uh uh turn fear into faith because fear is energy but use that energy shift that energy and turn fa into faith.

I I used to sometimes you know way back in the past be a little BIT JEALOUS. HEY, HOW' that person you know accomplish that or do that? And I'm like hey that's not a good use of energy. And I turn jealously uh uh jealousy into prosperity, right? You I just whenever I go, you know, see someone doing well, I'M LIKE, WHOA, GREAT. HEY, this is proving that I can do even more, too. So good. So good. So good. And literally just shifting energy into another form.

another form. another form. I have this philosophy, too. I don't know if you share this or not, cuz I want the women to hear this. I think the symptom symptom symptom often times is our addiction to other people's approval. people's approval. people's approval. I feel like the disease sometimes is we don't have our own. Yeah, we don't feel like God has our own and so we seek it outside of us. Now, what you said that takes it a level deeper for me for me for me is that this is programmed since I was little, right?

I didn't just become this way. It was sort of I was told that my value is if other people approve of me, right? So, I think it's an internal game. I think the way you change that isn't just deciding I don't care what other people think. I think that layer past that is I need to begin to think better of myself. I need to begin to build my self-confidence. I'm a big believer that self-confidence comes from keeping promises that you make to yourself. That if you can start by just keeping the promises you make to you, you begin to build a reputation with yourself of I can trust me.

I like me. I'm good. Right? I I can achieve. How can that apply for a woman in any in any area? What would be some of your recommendations of how to change that? That's a hard question. What are some of practical ways somebody can begin to change that? So, I'll tell you for me the big realization was it all comes down to I want love. I want approval. I want notice. I want all of these things. And I was drowning. This is where the anxiety came from.

I I had this desire in my heart to be an entrepreneur and build something big and write books and do these things. And our family, our extended family on both sides wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom. and they really really struggled and were very vocal about the fact that I wasn't because that's what their lives look like. Yep. like. Yep. like. Yep. And so for me, I was just drowning in that feeling of I think I'm called to do more. So I will pursue this version of more, but I'll do it like kind of in secret.

Like I'll work really hard, but I won't ever talk about it. And it was I was being pulled in too many directions. And when I finally I had this realization like, oh, I'm going to choose to be so full of love, love, love, to love everybody else so well that I don't seek it out in other people. Exactly right. Exactly right. Exactly right. Like, I'm going to love you so hard, everybody, even the people that disapprove of me. Very good. That I don't need your love because I've got enough for both of us.

Very good. Like it sounds a little cheesy, but that really was what changed it for me was you don't have to keep chasing this thing. thing. thing. It was also the understanding that God made me this way. Yes. Yes. Yes. And for the longest time, I felt shame because I didn't want to be a I'm like I respect the crap out of stay at home moms. It's the hardest job in the world. I know you do. But it's [clears throat] just not my thing. thing. thing.

And so I I had shame about that. Like massive shame about Don't you think the reverse is also true? There are some stay-at-home moms who feel shame that that's their calling. Neither one of those should be shamed. Yeah. So, for me, it was, oh, if if God put this desire on my heart and if he called me for this, then I I can't be wrong at my core. Like certainly you could that could manifest in unhealthy ways or you could but but maybe this is for a reason.

Like maybe that like I say this all the time on stage to women like man maybe that like you keep feeling that tug on your heart that's there for a reason that's God that's your potential that's like trying to say to you step into this like it that is your heart like begging your mind to like get out of like come on man we were called for something. So for me that understanding was like you know you are loved and worthy and enough like as you are.

That's beautiful That's beautiful That's beautiful and that means you don't need to become someone else. That means like who you are at your core you're doing okay. Yeah that is so beautiful. It's amazing you say that made up I I just want to acknowledge a few things like I love that and no one's ever said that to me ever. And um some of the stuff you say gets me, girl, just so you know, cuz I I over these years of seeing all these precious, beautiful women in the crowd and them struggling with feeling guilt.

Like men don't have that. Like men, whatever we want to chase, we have no reason to feel guilty about. And men listening to this, let me say something to the men listening to this. this. this. Would you stop once in a while and just start to tell your lady how amazing she is and how much you love her and how beautiful she is? I'm talking about your sisters, your mother, your wife, not just your wife, right? Tell the women in your life how spectacular they are.

Acknowledge them a little bit more. They're always acknowledging us. Yes. Yes. Yes. So proud of you. You look so handsome. You're doing so well. Thank you for all you do. you do. you do. And we we very rarely acknowledge our women. Let's make sure we're doing that, men. But the other piece of it that that struck me in what you said right there was, was, was, you know, women I think often times never give themselves any quiet time, whether they have kids or noise or their job.

And like if you would just get quiet quiet quiet for you and I it's prayer. For other people it's meditation. For some people it's just solitude. Like Like Like if you'll get your head out of the way as you said. I made a post about this today. today. today. People win with their heart, not their head. You're going to be happy in life with your heart. And the more your head begins to take over and convince you of your deficiencies, what your setbacks are, what you're not good at, what your liabilities, what people will think, the more your head takes over your life, even though you got to be smart and execute and all that, the more your head takes over, it kills your heart.

And when your heart stops beating, you're dead. And so you could be living, but you're really dead. And so what you're really saying is get quiet, listen to your heart, and don't be ashamed of it. Like it's I love it. So good. Okay. Let me give you a couple more things you've said that this is kind of hard. Our society makes plenty of room for complacency or laziness. We're rarely surrounded by accountability. We're also rarely surrounded by sugar-free vanilla lattes. But when I really want one, I somehow find a way to get one.

What did you mean when you said that? that? that? Uh, you know, the idea that if you want something, it's like if if you really want something, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. So, So, So, you got to get resourceful, right? Yes. And I think there is this um I feel like the tide is shifting and I hope that this is true, but so often I feel like women especially like it feels like their life is living them.

it like it feels like life is it's all just happening to them. They're sort of getting pulled along with the tide. They're not making any choices. They're not taking control. Um so, and it and it's the norm, right? It's it's normal to go you're exhausted because you were dealing with the kids all day and then you're going to go watch, you know, Netflix all night and drink too much and numb yourself to what's going on and then wake up tomorrow and do the same thing again.

And it because they don't ever have that space because they never take a step back and look at their life from like 50,000 foot view. They don't even understand that they have control of how to change it. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. And you might not have the tools. I'm going to quote your podcast to you again again again or I think it was yours, but um uh Joe Despensza Yes. Despensza Yes. Despensza Yes. said in an age of this much free information, ignorance is a choice.

Correct. Correct. Correct. So you might not know how to change things. You might not know how to get healthy. You might not know how to change your marriage. All of but it all exists on the internet right now for free. free. free. So true. Like you didn't gosh, you're good. So like No, but I want to say this to you. Like you didn't know how to blog when you started a blog. People say, "Man, how'd you build this giant podcast that I have? Let me tell you how this actually started." I went, "You're going to think I'm crazy when I say I want to validate what you've said." Okay?

said." Okay? said." Okay? I've never said this before either. People ask me, "How did you get this big podcast?" I said, "I didn't even know what a podcast was." And I Googled how to start a podcast. Here's how stupid I am. I'm like, h how does what I'm saying get into the machine machine machine and how does that machine put it on the internet and then how do people get like I was that basic and I Googled how to start a podcast and there was the first search was Tim Ferrris his toolbox for how to start a podcast.

It said go to Amazon and buy this equipment. I bought the equipment the equipment the equipment and I started talking into the microphone he told me to buy. I love it. And then but he didn't tell me how do I get it out of the machine onto the internet. So I that's but I'm just resourceful. You just start taking the steps. steps. steps. Men, do me a favor. Ask your woman what she'd like. Ask her, "Babe, what do you want? What would make you happy? Is there anything we should be doing together or you should be doing to fulfill you more?" Like, just ask her.

Cuz they ask us all the time. the time. the time. One of the masks that Lewis talks about in the book is men, you know, with their masculinity wearing the masks of different types of people, whether it's the material mask or the athlete mask or the stoic mask. And it's such a fascinating read. It is for men, but to be candid with you, I think it's a fascinating read for women to understand their men. their men. their men. Yeah. Exactly. So many women are telling me that they finally understand their husbands, why their father never showed them the affection, why their sons don't look them in the eyes.

So, it's like trying to understand men a little bit better. better. better. It's brilliant, man. And and so there's this story in there that stuck out to me and I could picture you as a little guy when this happened, but you talk about and it's interesting. It could be a non-event for some people, but it was through this dodgeball game. It's defining, man. It was because you gonna be remember this guy ends up going on to become a college and professional athlete, right? And if you draw back all the way where that mask started, it started in a damn dodgeball game in elementary school.

elementary school. elementary school. Um, you know, I was still trying to find my way and just have a couple friends, just try to fit in. And uh one day the teacher of our class, there's probably 30 kids in the class, about 50 men uh 50% men and and boys, uh boys and girls, uh they say, "Okay, during recess, we're going to play a team dodgeball game, and we're going to split it up into two teams." teams." teams." So, everybody's had that game at school, right? right?

right? Right. Yeah. Everyone's played dodgeball or something, right? And he said, "Okay, I'm I'm picking you two boys as the captains. captains. captains. Pick one at a time." Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. I don't think it was his intention to do this. He was just like, "Yeah, you guys split up the teams." Okay. So, we're all waiting to be like called out, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And these two popular kids, one at a time, start picking each boy. And I'm thinking to myself, I'm one of the taller kids.

I feel like I'm pretty athletic already. They've got to pick me. I'm one of the first people. So, I'm standing up there in front like waiting to be called. And they pick all the boys one by one until it's me and the last boy. And this boy, like he was not athletic at all essentially. I'll keep it at that. And they pick him. And so now I'm the last boy to be picked. However, as you know in the story, um they pick a girl next. next.

next. God, God, God, and then and then they pick another girl, another girl until it's me and the last girl. last girl. last girl. And I'm like, there's no way I'm going to be like this. They're going to pick this girl before me. This girl is like zero athletic ability, right? She can't even walk, even walk, even walk, right? right? right? And they pick her and then I'm not even picked. I'm just by default. Yeah. Nope. Yeah. Nope. Yeah. Nope. You'll just go on the next team.

They didn't even [clears throat] pick me as like, oh, what's going on here? Are you raging? Are you Are you Are you I am raging. I'm already a kid that feels neglected, that feels like the youngest who doesn't get any attention, you know? I didn't have any friends. So, at this point, I said, I'm going to destroy everyone on this team. Like, give me the ball. I'm just like slamming in people's faces. Big dude. Big dude. Big dude. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm just like destroying people.

And I go, never again will I be picked last. You can see it in me right now. You can see it in your physiology. Never again will I ever get picked last in anything, right? And that's what I told myself. And I just become a training machine every day after school. I would go to the playground, go to the gym, go play basketball and train until my mom would have to call me in at like 9:00 and say, "You got to come home." And you think that game has something to do with you end up being a professional athlete.

athlete. athlete. I think it was one of the I think it was one of the triggers of just like always feeling like I was abused, left behind, not good enough. It was just one of those triggers. triggers. triggers. You're saying you face change even when you just said that. It's interesting. It's just like it's one of those moments that I can remember. You know, there's many moments like that, but that was a moment where I was like, "Okay, "Okay, "Okay, I just never want to feel this again." Yeah.

It literally defined part of your [clears throat] whole identity, right? It was one of these masks. You're like, "I wear this one." Well, and so I Yeah. So, I put the athlete mask on and I said, "Never again am I going to lose." And I also needed to be right, you know, for me like being wrong was losing. And so, I was like, "I need to win at all costs. I need to be right at all costs. And anytime I lost in a game, I was the worst loser because my self-worth and my value was tied to winning winning winning or losing.

or losing. or losing. And even when I won, sometimes I wouldn't be happy because I would beat myself up about how I could have been better. better. better. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. So, I couldn't appreciate the journey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Was just always got to get better. Got to get to the goal. Got to get to the goal. goal. goal. Yeah. Everybody that's listening, including me, frankly, a lot of us relate to that. Yeah. And we're going to talk about some solutions that too or those of you that are watching this, you certainly know someone like us, right?

And and it's it's interesting because you have that event. You have a brother who goes to prison. I didn't know but you go to a boarding school when you were 13. You had a had a had a It's amazing that you end up becoming one of the most soughtafter people on the planet to improve people's lives and yet you have these events that you didn't allow eventually to define who you were. There's a significant one though as you know. Y Y Y I think it's the genesis of the book probably.

Yeah, probably. Yeah, probably. Yeah, but if you don't mind taking them through this, you had some sexual abuse happen to you and you were a very young boy. I mean I mean very young. So you had the 13, you had the brother go to prison, you have the dodgeball game, but the the biggie when I was five. Yeah, I was here's the thing. When I was five, I was raped by a man that I didn't know. And it and for 25 years, no one knew about it.

Is it I want to ask you this cuz I've not heard you answer this. Are you telling me literally you didn't tell anybody? anybody? anybody? I didn't tell anyone. I told a socio uh a professor my freshman year in college. I said, you know, something happened to me, me, me, but I didn't tell them what. Wow. So, mom and dad definitely did. Parents didn't know, friends didn't know. I never told anyone exactly what happened. happened. happened. Wow. Wow. Wow. Um I was too afraid to let people know.

And so for 25 years, I'm 34 now. When I was 30, I went through a bunch of different challenges in my life with a intimate relationship. I was in a business partnership I was in and just everything looked good on the outside. You know, people were like, "Man, you're crushing it, Louis." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I was suffering on the inside and I didn't know why. And I don't know if you've ever felt that when your business took off, you're like, "Why am I not fulfilled?" fulfilled?" fulfilled?" I I absolutely do.

Yes. You felt that before? Of course. Of course. Of course. And for me, I was taking all of this. I was just angry. constantly angry. I was doing great in my business, but angry because I couldn't figure out how to cope and understand my emotions. So, I took all this frustration out on the basketball court. Every day I would go play basketball a few blocks away. And every day, it was like I was looking for a fight. You know, in college when you're like, you're like, you're like, you're just like, I hope someone looks at me.

Look at slap you. Run into me the wrong way. Like, I'm going to beat you up. You know, I was just I was looking for a fight. And I think that was the only way I knew how to express myself was through physical aggression. physical aggression. physical aggression. So many people are relating to this right now. right now. right now. That was my life. Football was my ability to just destroy people in a legal way without getting in trouble. I could get it out every single day.

So when you don't have that anymore, it's like I need to go play basketball and like rough it out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cuz I didn't know how to cope with my emotions or what I was going through. I just didn't have the skills or the tools. So every day I would go out and play basketball and I just constantly someone would yap at me and it was like I had to step to them like I was the alpha dog and like shove them and scream at them and just show them that they weren't going to mess with me back.

Just to tell you cuz being in your presence and being around that way. Yeah. And our mutual friends, no one would describe this. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. And you know I'm typically I was typically not that way either. Like I'm always a very loving like happy person. But there's a trigger thing. There's a trigger. Like if you crossed the trigger. the trigger. the trigger. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was like you were gonna go down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or I was gonna go down or something. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And so every day it was like waiting for someone to hit me and they wouldn't hit me. me. me. I would like push at them. I would scream back at them. I'd be like, "Don't talk to me. Don't do this. Don't like whatever." like whatever." like whatever." To a no stakes pick a basketball game in West Hollywood. It's not like anything's on the line. Yeah. It's like, and one day after a few months of this, I'm guarding a guy who's much bigger than me, older than me, and we're getting in a heated battle back and forth.

He's fing me hard. I'm fing him hard. Like, but it's kind of like this this what you do in the street ball, right? You're kind of found each other hard, but it's it's all good. It's fair game. He's calling it. I'm calling it. It gets down to the last point, game point for both of us, both teams. He gets a ball down, getting ready to shoot a layup. I I foul him hard, you know. I grab his arm down so he can't score. The game would be over.

I guess it was enough was enough for him. And he came at me and headbutts me. Now, this was the trigger that put me over the top and said, "Incredible Hulk is coming out." Snap City. Snap City. It was like I can't even remember because I just put him in a headlock and just started UFC pounding him, throwing him to the ground on top of him, just like unleashing all this anger. It had to come out somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And this was the [clears throat] moment it exploded it exploded it exploded cuz I didn't know how to let it come out any other way.

Now afterwards, I remember was shaking so much cuz it got up and there's blood gushing out everywhere all over the court. court. court. The police station is right across the street. street. street. Okay. Okay. Okay. It snaps back into me like I have everything to lose here, right? right? right? I could go to jail. Like what if something happens? What if I actually hurt him really bad? Whatever. Like what if my whole life could be over from one moment? I know what happened to my brother going to prison from one drug uh deal that he was involved in.

involved in. involved in. One thing he got caught which put him into prison, sentenced six to 25 years. He got out in four and a half in good behavior. behavior. behavior. So all of a sudden I'm like how stupid can I be to allow my emotions to get the best of me to react. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. Um after that point my friends were like you know you need some help man like you need some help. You know, it wasn't that [clears throat] bad, but they were like, "Why are you doing this?

That shouldn't happen, right? Why are you allowing this to happen?" Did you know why then? Do you think you knew? knew? knew? I think I was just like angry at everything. everything. everything. Like, Like, Like, no matter how successful you're still, there's this angry piece of you because I would achieve all these things that I wanted, but then I was like angry right when I'd achieved them. Like it didn't fulfill me. Yes. Yes. Yes. So, I was like, I need to get bigger. I need to make more.

I need to like get more goals. I need to do this. Like, maybe then I'll feel good. And none of it made me feel good. I don't know if you felt [clears throat] that way. I need to get 10 million, then 100 million, then then I need to sell my company, and then I'm going to feel great. And maybe it felt great, maybe not. But not. But not. But if it does, it's temporary. And you're exactly right. Everybody watching this that's had any level of achievement that thinks once I get something else or I get to this place, then I'll be happy.

Then I'll be happy. And it does. I don't know any and you and I also both know lots of very wealthy people who are completely unhappy. Like Tony Robbins talks about all the time, success without fulfillment is complete failure, right? And so I relate to that level of failure. So do a lot of people and those of you that are chasing your dream. You've got to find a way, and we're going to talk about this in a minute, to to enjoy you now. Celebrate you now.

Because when you get to these different places, guess who arrives there? You. And if you're there with the same damage, with these same masks on, the amount of money you have just sometimes, frankly, magnifies the pain that you're in, I think, because you can you can act out different ways. So So go ahead. So you you have this event. So my friend starts saying and I kind of come to an awareness of like I remember running back from those courts like up into my room up here like looking in the mirror shaking because I've got like blood all over me and I'm like what am I doing?

The last fight I was in was when I was like 15 or something and I'm like why am I doing this? Look at myself in the mirror literally like why like why like why why are you doing this? Who are you? And who do you want to become? I was just asking myself this over and over and I started to say, "Okay, I need to take a deeper look at why I'm so resentful, why I'm so angry, why I'm so frustrated, and why I'm triggered. Why am I triggered when someone steps to me or says something to me or leaves a negative review online or why do I always have to defend myself?" So, I started calling some some therapist friends of mine that I knew, some spiritual coaches that I knew.

I started going to workshops. Um, and I went to this one emotional intelligence workshop that similar to like what Tony does where I had us address kind of our past, past, past, past with our parents, past with girlfriends, past with friends, like childhood, and just kind of addressing it all. it all. it all. Okay. Okay. Okay. We recreated and reenacted situations to face ourselves in those moments and and and recognize why we become that way. And after I was in this five-day workshop and after the third day, we had done a lot, you know, addressing our past.

I'd cleared with my parents internally, I'd cleared with like relationships. And the facilitator of this workshop, there were about 50 people in it. He said, "Okay, we're moving forward to focus on our vision for our future, the things you want to create, the person you want to become. We've addressed everything in the past, but if there's anything you haven't addressed yet, now's the time to talk about it. Otherwise, we're moving forward." like get on the ship. Okay. Okay. Okay. And so I'm going through in my mind at this moment like it's a pause in the room.

And I'm going through I'm like my parents getting divorced. Yeah. Like pretty much everyone has done that, right? Okay. I went through that. Feeling bullied and picked on. I talked about this. Feeling like insecure in school, my brother in prison. Like I talked about all these things and I was like, what about that time I was raped by a man? It just kind of came in my mind. mind. mind. And this was always in the back of my mind. You know, every week I would think about that moment.

It would come up like just kind of randomly pop in and out of my head and I would just push it to the side and I would I remember thinking to myself, if I don't say this now, I'll probably never say it to anyone. Like [clears throat] the setting was perfect. I had gone through enough challenges and breakdowns in my life where I was like, I'm willing to figure out whatever it is, I'm going to go there. And so I just stood up, walked to the front of the room.

I didn't even ask for permission or anything. I just stood up, watched the front of the room. And I remember, Ed, that I couldn't look anyone in the eyes. So, I was staring down the entire time at the ground. And I walked through for the first time, just looking down, you know, when I was 5 years old. I was at the babysitters. The babysitter had a son who's a teenager. And I just walked through the entire thing. And I couldn't look up cuz I was so embarrassed and so ashamed of people knowing this about me.

And when I was complete, I said it pretty calmly. You know, I just kind of said it very calmly. And when I went to walk down, it's like almost the moment I sat down, it's like I erupted of tears that I've never had in my life. And I just couldn't stop crying. I was just like crying over and over again. Thankfully, there were two women on either side of me that were holding me. They were crying, I was crying. I was embarrassed and ashamed of what I just said, of people knowing this about me, cuz I wasn't perfect looking anymore.

Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. I wasn't this like all American guy who had it figured out anymore. And I remember running out of the room outside. It was in a hotel conference room. I ran outside cuz I just needed some fresh air. I had my head up against the wall outside and uh one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to me happened next. One by one, the men who were in the room came up to me outside and just gave me a big hug, looked me in my eyes, and told me that I was their hero.

one by one they said different things like that and the crazy thing the thing that I'm af I was afraid of people knowing about me the most was actually the thing that when I shared it people connected with me even more and trusted me more and people kept saying that they're like wow I thought like something completely different about you but now I trust you now I'll follow you anywhere like they said these things to me and I was like what that makes no sense wow wow wow you know everything that I was afraid of that I taught not to be a little a little girl, a little a little whatever the words were that made you wrong, that made you different, that push people away from you.

I was taught to like fit in by like being manly, having it figured it out, you know, winning, like talking bad to people, whatever it may be. And none of those things served my heart. And And And it it started to awaken everything in me. Like when I finally opened up about that, I just said, you know what? I'm going to open up about everything. How? Because the freedom it gave me to realize, wow, you still accept me for who I am or the things I've been through and you still you still like me.

You actually like me more. You trust me more. I was like, what? Wow. Wow. Wow. This concept of like being real. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, not that I wasn't real. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I think I was always like had a little bit of layer of a mask hiding behind behind behind we you we all do. And what's amazing. Sorry, I'm getting a little joked, but of all the I mean, I read all these personal development books. I listen to all these guys. It's the most compelling story I've read.

I'm just going to tell you. I appreciate it, man. No, it is, brother, because the courage I think it takes courage when you're five, but five, but five, but to carry it and carry it and then release it like this massive that takes a gargantuan amount of courage, right? It does, brother. And I [snorts] think for those the people that are listening to this because because because this is corny to say but like often in our life our greatest test is actually our defining testimony of our life.

Like that was the greatest test of your life and it's really the testimony of your life. Like everything you're becoming was unleashed because you finally took your mask off. That was the big mask you huge for me. It's thing I was the secret I was carrying around my whole life that I didn't I want anyone to know. And here's the crazy thing. You know, the people in that workshop were like, "You should tell your family." And I was like, "There's no way. way. way. Even after that, I was still scared to let anyone." I was like, "This is a safer container.

You know, it's like confidential. Like, no one's going to hear about this." But I was willing to explore and see what I needed to let go of to see what I could create in my life. Eventually, I I was like, "Okay, I'm going to tell my family one by one." And it was terrifying. But again, when I told them, they opened up to things about me that I didn't know. and we built a stronger relationship as a family. family. family. Then they were like, "You should tell your friends." I was like, "No way.

My family has to love me." You know what I mean? But my friends, they're probably not going to accept me anymore. anymore. anymore. But I started doing it one by one. What was that like? Was it would you go into them like I think I went back to like just being terrified as a kid like what if they don't accept me? Same thing. It was like the fear of what if people don't accept me? But one by one people accepted me even more more more and they trusted me even more and they were there for me more and had compassion.

You know, humanity is a powerful thing when you show vulnerability. I I truly believe that other people who have a deep hearts like are going to open up. So do I. You know, there may be some people who are going to be so guarded they can't receive it, but usually most people have a great heart. You're right. You're right. You're right. And my friends started saying, "You got to share this publicly." And I was like, "No way." "No way." "No way." Now you're right. Right. They're like, "You should tell this on your podcast." I was like, "No, it's going to hurt my business.

Like what? People are really going to think weird about me." Yeah. But after 6 months of me [snorts] just saying, you know what, I need to continue to talk about this because it still has power over me. Because when I talk about it, I quiver I I palpitate my heart. Like it still owns me. And I don't want this thing to own me anymore. I want to own it. And so so I finally had enough courage to just kind of tell all the close people in my life, my friends and family, family, family, and it wasn't a hard thing anymore to talk about it.

you know, it's still a moment that I wish no one to go through, but it doesn't take over my body. And so [snorts] I said, you know what? I need to do this publicly cuz I felt like I'd never seen another white straight male male male jock looking guy open up about this. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I've never seen it. Maybe it's happened, but I just nor have I I can't think of like some personality or athlete or business leader who has opened up about it. And one in six men have been sexually abused in some way.

One in six. And yet it's not acceptable to talk about it. about it. about it. Whether it be uh you know to friends and family or publicly or whatever. It's just I'm not saying everyone should publicly talk about it. Sure. Sure. Sure. But I felt [snorts] like for me I love what you said about it still owning you. It did not. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And um I was just like I felt a duty, a responsibility to continue to talk about it because um and here's the thing that happened when I put it on my podcast.

I I talked about it on my podcast and did a whole episode about it four years ago. I shared it out and at night I posted it out at night like 11:00. I was right here in this room. I posted it out and I went out and sat on that uh patio right there there there and I sent out one tweet and I just said I'm going to leave it up to the universe to see what happens. So, I didn't promote it anywhere. I just put one tweet out and I was like, I'm going to go to bed and see.

Hopefully, no one watches this, you know? I was like hoping that no one saw it. You want them to, but you don't. And the crazy thing is I went outside and it was like it was 11:00 at night, but it felt like it was daytime. It was the largest moon in the last 100 years that happened that night. It was a super moon and it was like I didn't know this was happening at that time. I just decided I needed to post it then. It kind of gives me chills thinking about it.

And I was looking up the definition of like what's a super moon mean and it's like a super moon like shifts the world and like and I was like this is crazy right? And um over the next couple of weeks I was getting hundreds of emails from men sending essays telling me I've been married for 35 years. My wife doesn't know this is what happened to me. I've been in this relationship [snorts] for this long. I've never told anyone. You know this this happened to me for years when I was a kid.

this, you know, the craziest stories I've ever heard made mine look like a Disney movie compared to some of the stuff that men were emailing me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like I gave these men who listened permission for the first time to talk about it. Cuz if a big jock looking guy like me Yeah. Right. good-looking big jock athlete, successful. athlete, successful. athlete, successful. If I talk about it, then maybe someone else can talk about it. Wow. And the healing that started to happen from within of these men where they finally started to talk to their partner about it, where they finally started to address it, where they finally started to not be so stoic or so driven by [snorts] sexual mask or the material mask to make themselves feel better.

better. better. They started to communicate in healthier forms forms forms and and just show a little bit of emotion, show a little bit of vulnerability vulnerability vulnerability and heal from within. And they got healthier physically. Their businesses grew. Their relationships thrived because they were able to communicate. Yeah. communicate. Yeah. communicate. Yeah. And I think as men, we've been conditioned not to share certain things, to be tough, to be these things, to not be weak, to not be soft, to not show emotion, to not show affection.

You know, as a kid, I was always always always like pushed away from my friends when I would be like, "It's so good to see you." you." you." You know, I would like put an arm around a guy, not in a sexual way, just like, "Buddy, buddy." And be like, "Get off me. What are you gay? Yes. It's interesting. I was going to tell you something cuz I'm that way too. I touchy feeling especially It's funny especially with it's like when I see my buddies I touch them.

I want to say something about what you said there cuz it was just I think we all want people to like us you know and I think that when we wear these masks I think the more honest we are about who we truly are, the more people actually love us, love us, love us, the real us, you know. And I think what I love what I want the men listening to this know this is a real man. A real man is vulnerable. A real man is honest.

A real man's transparent. And not all of us have big muscles and are big guys like that, but I'm attracted to people and I think everybody is who are their their authentic selves, right? And you have this big big story and I love what you said about more men came to you. And I just want to acknowledge it, man. Like I think it's made a huge difference in the world. Thank you. And I think those of you that are watching this, this, this, I I always advocate for somebody on my program, but I think there's a I know when I'm with a genuine good person who cares and like I think if if if Lewis is this honest about this, imagine the kind of transparency honest you get if you were reading his books, if you were if you were part of his podcast, become a part of his community.

Because I think when you're like this, I think you get this out of your guests. I think you get it out of the people that you interview, too. too. too. Heat. Heat. N.