MEL ROBBINS: The Most SHOCKING Lie About Self-Improvement (THIS Keeps You Hating Yourself)

People pleasing is actually People pleasing is actually manipulation. You're manipulating people manipulation. You're manipulating people manipulation. You're manipulating people so they like you. I'm not some pushover. so they like you. I'm not some pushover. so they like you. I'm not some pushover. I actually want people to like me. So, I I actually want people to like me. So, I I actually want people to like me. So, I am willing to manipulate them by staying am willing to manipulate them by staying am willing to manipulate them by staying silent or doing things I don't want to silent or doing things I don't want to silent or doing things I don't want to do or not expressing my boundaries do or not expressing my boundaries do or not expressing my boundaries because I at all costs just want people because I at all costs just want people because I at all costs just want people to like me. to like me. to like me. I'm so excited to be here tonight at the I'm so excited to be here tonight at the I'm so excited to be here tonight at the Wang Theater in Boston with one of my Wang Theater in Boston with one of my Wang Theater in Boston with one of my dearest dearest friends truly. And I dearest dearest friends truly. And I dearest dearest friends truly. And I want to dive straight in, Mel, because want to dive straight in, Mel, because want to dive straight in, Mel, because you've got so much insight, so much you've got so much insight, so much you've got so much insight, so much wisdom on this that I've been fortunate wisdom on this that I've been fortunate wisdom on this that I've been fortunate enough to benefit from in our enough to benefit from in our enough to benefit from in our friendship. But I want to start by friendship. But I want to start by friendship. But I want to start by asking you, what do you think people are asking you, what do you think people are asking you, what do you think people are most worried about when it comes to what most worried about when it comes to what most worried about when it comes to what others think about them? Well, I brought others think about them? Well, I brought others think about them? Well, I brought notes notes notes because I know Jay asks very tough because I know Jay asks very tough because I know Jay asks very tough questions. I think that the thing that questions. I think that the thing that questions. I think that the thing that we're most worried about is just that we're most worried about is just that we're most worried about is just that people aren't going to like you, that people aren't going to like you, that people aren't going to like you, that they're going to misunderstand you. they're going to misunderstand you. they're going to misunderstand you. That's the thing that we're the most That's the thing that we're the most That's the thing that we're the most worried about. Because if you didn't worried about. Because if you didn't worried about. Because if you didn't care whether or not people liked you, if care whether or not people liked you, if care whether or not people liked you, if you didn't care about whether or not you didn't care about whether or not you didn't care about whether or not people misunderstood you or your people misunderstood you or your people misunderstood you or your intentions, you would just go about your intentions, you would just go about your intentions, you would just go about your life however the heck you wanted to, life however the heck you wanted to, life however the heck you wanted to, right? And so truly if you stop and right? And so truly if you stop and right? And so truly if you stop and think like think about one person in think like think about one person in think like think about one person in your life who that's the person whose your life who that's the person whose your life who that's the person whose opinion opinion opinion you worry about the most. you worry about the most. you worry about the most. Imagine if you could go about your life Imagine if you could go about your life Imagine if you could go about your life and not care if they like you or not. and not care if they like you or not. and not care if they like you or not. Not care if they don't understand you or Not care if they don't understand you or Not care if they don't understand you or not. And sometimes people be like, not. And sometimes people be like, not. And sometimes people be like, "Well, it's my boss." Okay, there's a "Well, it's my boss." Okay, there's a "Well, it's my boss." Okay, there's a lot of bosses out there. If the one that lot of bosses out there. If the one that lot of bosses out there. If the one that you're working for doesn't like you, you're working for doesn't like you, you're working for doesn't like you, there's nothing you can do about it, but there's nothing you can do about it, but there's nothing you can do about it, but you can always leave the job. And so, I you can always leave the job. And so, I you can always leave the job. And so, I think that is what's at the heart of it, think that is what's at the heart of it, think that is what's at the heart of it, that we are so desperate to be liked and that we are so desperate to be liked and that we are so desperate to be liked and understood and loved by others understood and loved by others understood and loved by others that we live in fear that it's not going that we live in fear that it's not going that we live in fear that it's not going to happen. And in doing so, we basically to happen. And in doing so, we basically to happen. And in doing so, we basically live a life where we don't really like live a life where we don't really like live a life where we don't really like ourselves. ourselves. ourselves. So well said. So well said. I mean, I So well said. So well said. I mean, I So well said. So well said. I mean, I think what you're getting at there is so think what you're getting at there is so think what you're getting at there is so powerful because it's almost like we powerful because it's almost like we powerful because it's almost like we don't even know what we're capable of, don't even know what we're capable of, don't even know what we're capable of, what we're worthy of, what we're able to what we're worthy of, what we're able to what we're worthy of, what we're able to do because we've constantly lived with do because we've constantly lived with do because we've constantly lived with that inner critic inside of us. There's that inner critic inside of us. There's that inner critic inside of us. There's the outer critic and the inner critic. the outer critic and the inner critic. the outer critic and the inner critic. Tell me about how we can learn to quiet Tell me about how we can learn to quiet Tell me about how we can learn to quiet that inner critic. Cuz sometimes it is that inner critic. Cuz sometimes it is that inner critic. Cuz sometimes it is your boss, sometimes it is your partner, your boss, sometimes it is your partner, your boss, sometimes it is your partner, sometimes it is your mom, but there's sometimes it is your mom, but there's sometimes it is your mom, but there's that inner critic inside of you that's that inner critic inside of you that's that inner critic inside of you that's stifling you even more. stifling you even more. stifling you even more. >> Okay, I got to ask you a question first. >> Okay, I got to ask you a question first. >> Okay, I got to ask you a question first. Should I look at you or everybody out Should I look at you or everybody out Should I look at you or everybody out here? Like, I don't know where to look here? Like, I don't know where to look here? Like, I don't know where to look because normally when Jay and I are because normally when Jay and I are because normally when Jay and I are talking and recording a podcast, we talking and recording a podcast, we talking and recording a podcast, we don't see you guys. So, it's so cool to don't see you guys. So, it's so cool to don't see you guys. So, it's so cool to have you here. Like, for real. Thank you have you here. Like, for real. Thank you have you here. Like, for real. Thank you for showing up. for showing up. for showing up. >> I I think we can we can look at them. I >> I I think we can we can look at them. I >> I I think we can we can look at them. I want to be with all of you. want to be with all of you. want to be with all of you. >> Okay, great. because I feel a little >> Okay, great. because I feel a little >> Okay, great. because I feel a little distracted like I'm ignoring you while distracted like I'm ignoring you while distracted like I'm ignoring you while I'm trying to look at Jay and I want you I'm trying to look at Jay and I want you I'm trying to look at Jay and I want you to like me for God's sakes even though to like me for God's sakes even though to like me for God's sakes even though we're going to talk about how we have to we're going to talk about how we have to we're going to talk about how we have to stop worrying about that. Okay. So the stop worrying about that. Okay. So the stop worrying about that. Okay. So the question is about self-criticism. So question is about self-criticism. So question is about self-criticism. So there's a lot to unpack here. Okay. And there's a lot to unpack here. Okay. And there's a lot to unpack here. Okay. And the first thing to understand is that the first thing to understand is that the first thing to understand is that there are two factors there are two factors there are two factors that truly amp up self-criticism. This that truly amp up self-criticism. This that truly amp up self-criticism. This is not from me. This is from some of the is not from me. This is from some of the is not from me. This is from some of the same experts that you have brought on to same experts that you have brought on to same experts that you have brought on to on purpose. The more stressed out that on purpose. The more stressed out that on purpose. The more stressed out that you are, the more the self-criticism you are, the more the self-criticism you are, the more the self-criticism dials up. There's some relationship dials up. There's some relationship dials up. There's some relationship between you being in kind of fight or between you being in kind of fight or between you being in kind of fight or flight and your inability to be kinder flight and your inability to be kinder flight and your inability to be kinder and more present and compassionate with and more present and compassionate with and more present and compassionate with yourself. So, that's number one. If yourself. So, that's number one. If yourself. So, that's number one. If you're experiencing an uptick right now you're experiencing an uptick right now you're experiencing an uptick right now because you feel stressed and because you feel stressed and because you feel stressed and overwhelmed, that's to be expected. overwhelmed, that's to be expected. overwhelmed, that's to be expected. Second thing, and this is going to blow Second thing, and this is going to blow Second thing, and this is going to blow your freaking mind, okay, your freaking mind, okay, your freaking mind, okay, self-criticism. This is this is crazy. self-criticism. This is this is crazy. self-criticism. This is this is crazy. Okay, I'm going to try to unpack this Okay, I'm going to try to unpack this Okay, I'm going to try to unpack this because I literally just talked to a because I literally just talked to a because I literally just talked to a psychiatrist today at Harvard Medical psychiatrist today at Harvard Medical psychiatrist today at Harvard Medical School who does all this research on School who does all this research on School who does all this research on body image and everybody is critical of body image and everybody is critical of body image and everybody is critical of themselves. themselves. themselves. Self-criticism has really gone through Self-criticism has really gone through Self-criticism has really gone through the roof because check this out. We were the roof because check this out. We were the roof because check this out. We were never supposed to see ourselves. never supposed to see ourselves. never supposed to see ourselves. >> No, no, no, no, no. Really, really? >> No, no, no, no, no. Really, really? >> No, no, no, no, no. Really, really? Like, hang with me for a minute here. Like, hang with me for a minute here. Like, hang with me for a minute here. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Like, let's just go back one or two >> Like, let's just go back one or two >> Like, let's just go back one or two human beings. human beings. human beings. Mirrors back then had all that acid Mirrors back then had all that acid Mirrors back then had all that acid stuff on it, so you couldn't even see stuff on it, so you couldn't even see stuff on it, so you couldn't even see yourself. yourself. yourself. There were no glass buildings, so you There were no glass buildings, so you There were no glass buildings, so you didn't see your reflection. If you saw didn't see your reflection. If you saw didn't see your reflection. If you saw yourself, it was like in the Charles yourself, it was like in the Charles yourself, it was like in the Charles River and it was like kind of moving. River and it was like kind of moving. River and it was like kind of moving. And so we are not neurologically, And so we are not neurologically, And so we are not neurologically, physiologically, emotionally designed to physiologically, emotionally designed to physiologically, emotionally designed to actually see ourselves. actually see ourselves. actually see ourselves. And we are designed Jay to connect with And we are designed Jay to connect with And we are designed Jay to connect with other people. And so if you're looking other people. And so if you're looking other people. And so if you're looking at other people, you in a nancond, your at other people, you in a nancond, your at other people, you in a nancond, your brain immediately goes into this like brain immediately goes into this like brain immediately goes into this like judgy mode because you're judging, okay, judgy mode because you're judging, okay, judgy mode because you're judging, okay, is this a person whose energy I vibe is this a person whose energy I vibe is this a person whose energy I vibe with and I kind of want to connect with with and I kind of want to connect with with and I kind of want to connect with this person or is this a person whose this person or is this a person whose this person or is this a person whose energy is off, so I kind of want to move energy is off, so I kind of want to move energy is off, so I kind of want to move away from it. Happens like that part of away from it. Happens like that part of away from it. Happens like that part of your wiring because you're wired to your wiring because you're wired to your wiring because you're wired to connect with other people. You're not connect with other people. You're not connect with other people. You're not wired to be watching what you're doing. wired to be watching what you're doing. wired to be watching what you're doing. And so what's happened because of Zoom, And so what's happened because of Zoom, And so what's happened because of Zoom, because of FaceTime, because of uh because of FaceTime, because of uh because of FaceTime, because of uh selfies, because of all the videos that selfies, because of all the videos that selfies, because of all the videos that we take of ourselves, we are seeing we take of ourselves, we are seeing we take of ourselves, we are seeing ourselves at rates that our brains can't ourselves at rates that our brains can't ourselves at rates that our brains can't compute. And so that same mechanism compute. And so that same mechanism compute. And so that same mechanism where your brain looks at other people where your brain looks at other people where your brain looks at other people and sizes people up. Is this a person I and sizes people up. Is this a person I and sizes people up. Is this a person I want to connect with? Is this not? want to connect with? Is this not? want to connect with? Is this not? You're doing to yourself. You're doing to yourself. You're doing to yourself. >> And then you add on top of it, Jay, the >> And then you add on top of it, Jay, the >> And then you add on top of it, Jay, the fact that you're also in unprecedented fact that you're also in unprecedented fact that you're also in unprecedented levels. you guys, we have access to what levels. you guys, we have access to what levels. you guys, we have access to what everybody else is doing, which is just everybody else is doing, which is just everybody else is doing, which is just more input. And so what does this what more input. And so what does this what more input. And so what does this what does this create? This creates a does this create? This creates a does this create? This creates a scenario for all of us where we are all scenario for all of us where we are all scenario for all of us where we are all self-critical. And we live in a moment self-critical. And we live in a moment self-critical. And we live in a moment of time where you have the real you, of time where you have the real you, of time where you have the real you, like the person you are right now, the like the person you are right now, the like the person you are right now, the person you are. I don't know what size person you are. I don't know what size person you are. I don't know what size your waist is, how tall, how short, your waist is, how tall, how short, your waist is, how tall, how short, whether or not you have an acne whether or not you have an acne whether or not you have an acne breakout, whether your hair is frizz, breakout, whether your hair is frizz, breakout, whether your hair is frizz, you are who you are. But then we all you are who you are. But then we all you are who you are. But then we all have this idealized self that we think have this idealized self that we think have this idealized self that we think we should be. we should be. we should be. And because we're so used to kind of And because we're so used to kind of And because we're so used to kind of looking at ourselves and assessing looking at ourselves and assessing looking at ourselves and assessing ourselves and our brain's not wired to ourselves and our brain's not wired to ourselves and our brain's not wired to really be even thinking about how you really be even thinking about how you really be even thinking about how you look or thinking about what you're doing look or thinking about what you're doing look or thinking about what you're doing in comparison to other people, you've in comparison to other people, you've in comparison to other people, you've turned that against yourself. turned that against yourself. turned that against yourself. Like it's just so sad because we live Like it's just so sad because we live Like it's just so sad because we live like you know and there's this kind of like you know and there's this kind of like you know and there's this kind of real thin line that you and I can unpack real thin line that you and I can unpack real thin line that you and I can unpack between between between improving your life and squeezing as improving your life and squeezing as improving your life and squeezing as much as you can out of this life that much as you can out of this life that much as you can out of this life that you have. Really truly allowing yourself you have. Really truly allowing yourself you have. Really truly allowing yourself to be happier allowing yourself to have to be happier allowing yourself to have to be happier allowing yourself to have more fun and more fun and more fun and relentlessly doing it because you think relentlessly doing it because you think relentlessly doing it because you think there's something wrong with you. Mhm. there's something wrong with you. Mhm. there's something wrong with you. Mhm. >> Do you see the difference? >> Do you see the difference? >> Do you see the difference? >> Wow. Yeah. >> Wow. Yeah. >> Wow. Yeah. >> And so when it comes to self-criticism, >> And so when it comes to self-criticism, >> And so when it comes to self-criticism, everybody, and this is something that we everybody, and this is something that we everybody, and this is something that we all deal with, it's really important. all deal with, it's really important. all deal with, it's really important. There's there's actually four steps that There's there's actually four steps that There's there's actually four steps that she goes by Dr. Ash. Dr. Ash says she goes by Dr. Ash. Dr. Ash says she goes by Dr. Ash. Dr. Ash says there's four steps. Number one, you got there's four steps. Number one, you got there's four steps. Number one, you got to recognize that the self-criticism is to recognize that the self-criticism is to recognize that the self-criticism is a function of culture. a function of culture. a function of culture. We live in a world where you see We live in a world where you see We live in a world where you see yourself all the time, which makes you yourself all the time, which makes you yourself all the time, which makes you more critical of self than generations more critical of self than generations more critical of self than generations before us. Period. So it's not your before us. Period. So it's not your before us. Period. So it's not your fault. You're not broken. I actually fault. You're not broken. I actually fault. You're not broken. I actually think you are perfectly imperfectly think you are perfectly imperfectly think you are perfectly imperfectly beautiful. I do. beautiful. I do. beautiful. I do. And even though there are things about And even though there are things about And even though there are things about yourself that you would like to improve yourself that you would like to improve yourself that you would like to improve or change, we're going to talk about how or change, we're going to talk about how or change, we're going to talk about how to do that while you're actually still to do that while you're actually still to do that while you're actually still kind and accepting of yourself. That's kind and accepting of yourself. That's kind and accepting of yourself. That's the thing to do here. And so, number the thing to do here. And so, number the thing to do here. And so, number one, you're not the problem. The culture one, you're not the problem. The culture one, you're not the problem. The culture is the problem. And another fun fact, do is the problem. And another fun fact, do is the problem. And another fun fact, do you know if you have a smartphone, it is you know if you have a smartphone, it is you know if you have a smartphone, it is defaulted to show you a mirror image? defaulted to show you a mirror image? defaulted to show you a mirror image? You want to know why? Because your brain You want to know why? Because your brain You want to know why? Because your brain can't actually process what you look can't actually process what you look can't actually process what you look like to another human being. like to another human being. like to another human being. Kid you not. If you go into your phone Kid you not. If you go into your phone Kid you not. If you go into your phone and change the setting on your and change the setting on your and change the setting on your smartphone to have the camera actually smartphone to have the camera actually smartphone to have the camera actually reflect the way that people see you reflect the way that people see you reflect the way that people see you versus what you see back in a mirror, versus what you see back in a mirror, versus what you see back in a mirror, your brain will be like, "What is that? your brain will be like, "What is that? your brain will be like, "What is that? I What is that? I I'm not used to seeing I What is that? I I'm not used to seeing I What is that? I I'm not used to seeing that. I'm used to seeing this reflected that. I'm used to seeing this reflected that. I'm used to seeing this reflected image. And so number one, not you're not image. And so number one, not you're not image. And so number one, not you're not the problem. You are perfectly the problem. You are perfectly the problem. You are perfectly imperfectly beautiful as you are. imperfectly beautiful as you are. imperfectly beautiful as you are. Period. Period. Period. >> Number two, in order to move your life >> Number two, in order to move your life >> Number two, in order to move your life forward in self-criticism, you actually forward in self-criticism, you actually forward in self-criticism, you actually have to look backwards. This is super have to look backwards. This is super have to look backwards. This is super important, everybody, because you were important, everybody, because you were important, everybody, because you were not born hating yourself. You were not not born hating yourself. You were not not born hating yourself. You were not born thinking you're ugly or stupid or born thinking you're ugly or stupid or born thinking you're ugly or stupid or dumb or any of that stuff. And I know dumb or any of that stuff. And I know dumb or any of that stuff. And I know that you've had Dr. Paul Ki from that you've had Dr. Paul Ki from that you've had Dr. Paul Ki from Stanford on. I know that you've had a Stanford on. I know that you've had a Stanford on. I know that you've had a lot of the amazing experts that talk lot of the amazing experts that talk lot of the amazing experts that talk about how somebody else taught you to about how somebody else taught you to about how somebody else taught you to hate on yourself. That's what happened. hate on yourself. That's what happened. hate on yourself. That's what happened. And the experts basically say that it And the experts basically say that it And the experts basically say that it typically happens between the ages of 12 typically happens between the ages of 12 typically happens between the ages of 12 and 18 because once you hit 12, your and 18 because once you hit 12, your and 18 because once you hit 12, your parents are basically freaks and you parents are basically freaks and you parents are basically freaks and you don't want anything to do with them. And don't want anything to do with them. And don't want anything to do with them. And the social priority in terms of the social priority in terms of the social priority in terms of development is I got to bond with my development is I got to bond with my development is I got to bond with my friends. So now it becomes a real friends. So now it becomes a real friends. So now it becomes a real priority to actually be connected to priority to actually be connected to priority to actually be connected to people. your age. Here's the problem. people. your age. Here's the problem. people. your age. Here's the problem. This comes from Dr. Judith Joseph, This comes from Dr. Judith Joseph, This comes from Dr. Judith Joseph, Columbia University. She her research Columbia University. She her research Columbia University. She her research shows that if you're kind of in that age shows that if you're kind of in that age shows that if you're kind of in that age range and a kid's like, you're fat, range and a kid's like, you're fat, range and a kid's like, you're fat, you're ugly, what's up with that acne, you're ugly, what's up with that acne, you're ugly, what's up with that acne, you know, you're a little short, or you you know, you're a little short, or you you know, you're a little short, or you walk into a school where the only person walk into a school where the only person walk into a school where the only person with brown skin and you're among a sea with brown skin and you're among a sea with brown skin and you're among a sea of other white kids and people are of other white kids and people are of other white kids and people are picking on you or you just don't feel picking on you or you just don't feel picking on you or you just don't feel like you belong. That sort of experience like you belong. That sort of experience like you belong. That sort of experience to your brain feels like physical pain. to your brain feels like physical pain. to your brain feels like physical pain. Yes. Yes. Yes. >> And so you were not born beating >> And so you were not born beating >> And so you were not born beating yourself up. Somebody taught you to. And yourself up. Somebody taught you to. And yourself up. Somebody taught you to. And that's an important thing to understand. that's an important thing to understand. that's an important thing to understand. And if you, every one of you can And if you, every one of you can And if you, every one of you can probably kind of close your eyes and probably kind of close your eyes and probably kind of close your eyes and think back to when did I think I was think back to when did I think I was think back to when did I think I was ugly? When did I start telling myself I ugly? When did I start telling myself I ugly? When did I start telling myself I wasn't smart enough? When did I think my wasn't smart enough? When did I think my wasn't smart enough? When did I think my height was a problem or my complexion or height was a problem or my complexion or height was a problem or my complexion or the freckles or the, you know, meat the freckles or the, you know, meat the freckles or the, you know, meat wings that I call them, you know, my my wings that I call them, you know, my my wings that I call them, you know, my my things that no matter how many freaking things that no matter how many freaking things that no matter how many freaking What are these tricep things I do, it What are these tricep things I do, it What are these tricep things I do, it does, it's not working. I don't care how does, it's not working. I don't care how does, it's not working. I don't care how much creatine crap I eat and the much creatine crap I eat and the much creatine crap I eat and the supplements I'm popping. Not working, supplements I'm popping. Not working, supplements I'm popping. Not working, Jay. You got to go backward before you Jay. You got to go backward before you Jay. You got to go backward before you can go forward because it's important can go forward because it's important can go forward because it's important for you to truly get you're not born for you to truly get you're not born for you to truly get you're not born doing this. you were taught to. And doing this. you were taught to. And doing this. you were taught to. And here's the good news. If somebody taught here's the good news. If somebody taught here's the good news. If somebody taught you to beat yourself up, you can unlearn you to beat yourself up, you can unlearn you to beat yourself up, you can unlearn it. it. it. >> You can unlearn it, right? You can. >> You can unlearn it, right? You can. >> You can unlearn it, right? You can. >> So then the third thing, and and you >> So then the third thing, and and you >> So then the third thing, and and you guys are not going to like this either guys are not going to like this either guys are not going to like this either because it sounds cheese ball, right? A because it sounds cheese ball, right? A because it sounds cheese ball, right? A lot of the great advice out there is lot of the great advice out there is lot of the great advice out there is like, "Oh god, I roll." Seriously, do I like, "Oh god, I roll." Seriously, do I like, "Oh god, I roll." Seriously, do I have to meditate again? Sorry, Jay. Um, have to meditate again? Sorry, Jay. Um, have to meditate again? Sorry, Jay. Um, this comes from Dr. Ash. She's been in this comes from Dr. Ash. She's been in this comes from Dr. Ash. She's been in the Harvard Medical School system for 20 the Harvard Medical School system for 20 the Harvard Medical School system for 20 years in a clinical practice. You have years in a clinical practice. You have years in a clinical practice. You have to come up with a what's called to come up with a what's called to come up with a what's called meaningful mantra. It's just something meaningful mantra. It's just something meaningful mantra. It's just something that you can say to yourself that's that you can say to yourself that's that you can say to yourself that's kind. And this is where I'm going to go kind. And this is where I'm going to go kind. And this is where I'm going to go to my notes because we have some I've to my notes because we have some I've to my notes because we have some I've got some notes here. So, Dr. Ethan Cross got some notes here. So, Dr. Ethan Cross got some notes here. So, Dr. Ethan Cross from University of Michigan, his from University of Michigan, his from University of Michigan, his recommendation, and he's an expert on recommendation, and he's an expert on recommendation, and he's an expert on negative selft talk and criticism is negative selft talk and criticism is negative selft talk and criticism is talk to yourself like a friend. meaning talk to yourself like a friend. meaning talk to yourself like a friend. meaning use your name. Use your name. And it use your name. Use your name. And it use your name. Use your name. And it sounds kind of weird, but if I am kind sounds kind of weird, but if I am kind sounds kind of weird, but if I am kind of feeling negative about something, of feeling negative about something, of feeling negative about something, instead of going, well, you know, I instead of going, well, you know, I instead of going, well, you know, I always screw things up. You say, Mel, always screw things up. You say, Mel, always screw things up. You say, Mel, >> you don't always screw things up. And >> you don't always screw things up. And >> you don't always screw things up. And when you say your name, it sort of snaps when you say your name, it sort of snaps when you say your name, it sort of snaps you out of that loop of criticizing you out of that loop of criticizing you out of that loop of criticizing yourself. yourself. yourself. >> Huge. >> Huge. >> Huge. >> Huge. Second thing that you can do, Dr. >> Huge. Second thing that you can do, Dr. >> Huge. Second thing that you can do, Dr. Dr. Jim Dodie, he's a neuroscientist and Dr. Jim Dodie, he's a neuroscientist and Dr. Jim Dodie, he's a neuroscientist and a neurosurgeon from Stanford who studies a neurosurgeon from Stanford who studies a neurosurgeon from Stanford who studies manifesting. And if you really want to manifesting. And if you really want to manifesting. And if you really want to start to practice a new way of talking start to practice a new way of talking start to practice a new way of talking to yourself, because again, you can to yourself, because again, you can to yourself, because again, you can program your mind to think different program your mind to think different program your mind to think different things than what these idiots from your things than what these idiots from your things than what these idiots from your past taught you to say to yourself. And past taught you to say to yourself. And past taught you to say to yourself. And so, number one, you want to write down so, number one, you want to write down so, number one, you want to write down what you want to say. And it could just what you want to say. And it could just what you want to say. And it could just be something as as like, I'm doing the be something as as like, I'm doing the be something as as like, I'm doing the best I can. I deserve encouragement. best I can. I deserve encouragement. best I can. I deserve encouragement. I'm gonna do my best to be kinder to I'm gonna do my best to be kinder to I'm gonna do my best to be kinder to myself. You can just write down myself. You can just write down myself. You can just write down something like that. Then you read it. something like that. Then you read it. something like that. Then you read it. Then you say it out loud. And then you Then you say it out loud. And then you Then you say it out loud. And then you close your eyes. And it's important to close your eyes. And it's important to close your eyes. And it's important to be calm in order for the coding to take be calm in order for the coding to take be calm in order for the coding to take hold. According to Dr. Dodie, you just hold. According to Dr. Dodie, you just hold. According to Dr. Dodie, you just visualize yourself visualize yourself visualize yourself literally acting like that. And these literally acting like that. And these literally acting like that. And these are ways that you can once you recognize are ways that you can once you recognize are ways that you can once you recognize you're not the problem, the culture is. you're not the problem, the culture is. you're not the problem, the culture is. Second piece is you didn't you weren't Second piece is you didn't you weren't Second piece is you didn't you weren't born doing this. Somebody taught you. born doing this. Somebody taught you. born doing this. Somebody taught you. So, we're going to unlearn it. Third is So, we're going to unlearn it. Third is So, we're going to unlearn it. Third is I'm actually going to take time because I'm actually going to take time because I'm actually going to take time because it matters how I talk to myself. Like if it matters how I talk to myself. Like if it matters how I talk to myself. Like if I followed you around when I was in a I followed you around when I was in a I followed you around when I was in a really bad mood, like I do with Chris, I really bad mood, like I do with Chris, I really bad mood, like I do with Chris, I don't know if Rod does this with you, don't know if Rod does this with you, don't know if Rod does this with you, but I'm like following around like a but I'm like following around like a but I'm like following around like a shadow. Why is this happening? Why is shadow. Why is this happening? Why is shadow. Why is this happening? Why is that happening? You know, you really that happening? You know, you really that happening? You know, you really screwed that up. I don't do that screwed that up. I don't do that screwed that up. I don't do that anymore. I used to do that. Not proud to anymore. I used to do that. Not proud to anymore. I used to do that. Not proud to say that. But if you followed yourself say that. But if you followed yourself say that. But if you followed yourself around, I'm not good enough. Things around, I'm not good enough. Things around, I'm not good enough. Things never work out for me. It's never going never work out for me. It's never going never work out for me. It's never going to happen. I'm so stupid. to happen. I'm so stupid. to happen. I'm so stupid. Like, no wonder you don't feel great. No Like, no wonder you don't feel great. No Like, no wonder you don't feel great. No wonder you're not motivated. So, you got wonder you're not motivated. So, you got wonder you're not motivated. So, you got to actually train yourself to say to actually train yourself to say to actually train yourself to say different things. You have to. different things. You have to. different things. You have to. >> And because you've been doing this for >> And because you've been doing this for >> And because you've been doing this for decades, do not expect it to take one decades, do not expect it to take one decades, do not expect it to take one week. Don't be like, "Okay, I said that week. Don't be like, "Okay, I said that week. Don't be like, "Okay, I said that thing that Melon Jay said, it's not thing that Melon Jay said, it's not thing that Melon Jay said, it's not working." working." working." >> Okay? Like, you got to give it time. And >> Okay? Like, you got to give it time. And >> Okay? Like, you got to give it time. And the final thing, and this is the piece the final thing, and this is the piece the final thing, and this is the piece of advice everybody hates from Dr. Ash, of advice everybody hates from Dr. Ash, of advice everybody hates from Dr. Ash, which is you have to stop waiting to which is you have to stop waiting to which is you have to stop waiting to live your life. live your life. live your life. >> If you are self-critical, seriously, >> If you are self-critical, seriously, >> If you are self-critical, seriously, this is so important. Think about this. this is so important. Think about this. this is so important. Think about this. If you're the kind of person that's If you're the kind of person that's If you're the kind of person that's like, "Okay, I'm going to lose some like, "Okay, I'm going to lose some like, "Okay, I'm going to lose some weight before I go to a gym." I I'm going to clear up my acne before I I I'm going to clear up my acne before I go on a date. Let me just put on a pound go on a date. Let me just put on a pound go on a date. Let me just put on a pound of makeup and a 73step morning like of makeup and a 73step morning like of makeup and a 73step morning like facial routine before I'll be in the facial routine before I'll be in the facial routine before I'll be in the photo. photo. photo. all of the things you're waiting to do, all of the things you're waiting to do, all of the things you're waiting to do, whether it's go to the beach or it's put whether it's go to the beach or it's put whether it's go to the beach or it's put yourself out there or it's speak up more yourself out there or it's speak up more yourself out there or it's speak up more at work or it's being in the front of at work or it's being in the front of at work or it's being in the front of the photo instead of the back of the the photo instead of the back of the the photo instead of the back of the photo. photo. photo. All of those things you're waiting to do All of those things you're waiting to do All of those things you're waiting to do until you either look a certain way or until you either look a certain way or until you either look a certain way or have achieved a certain thing or you've have achieved a certain thing or you've have achieved a certain thing or you've made a certain amount of money. All of made a certain amount of money. All of made a certain amount of money. All of those things that you're waiting on, the those things that you're waiting on, the those things that you're waiting on, the days that you wait, you are saying to days that you wait, you are saying to days that you wait, you are saying to yourself, I am not good enough for my yourself, I am not good enough for my yourself, I am not good enough for my own standards to live the life that I own standards to live the life that I own standards to live the life that I deserve. deserve. deserve. >> Just stop and really think about that. >> Just stop and really think about that. >> Just stop and really think about that. Like Jay's not stopping you from doing Like Jay's not stopping you from doing Like Jay's not stopping you from doing I'm not stop nobody in this room is I'm not stop nobody in this room is I'm not stop nobody in this room is stopping you from doing anything. You stopping you from doing anything. You stopping you from doing anything. You are holding yourself back from truly are holding yourself back from truly are holding yourself back from truly enjoying all that your life has to offer enjoying all that your life has to offer enjoying all that your life has to offer you now because you believe at some you now because you believe at some you now because you believe at some future date there's an idealized version future date there's an idealized version future date there's an idealized version of you that will be ready or more of you that will be ready or more of you that will be ready or more deserving of the things that are deserving of the things that are deserving of the things that are available to you now. Stop it. available to you now. Stop it. available to you now. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. You prove it's true. You prove the You prove it's true. You prove the You prove it's true. You prove the self-criticism wrong when you're like, self-criticism wrong when you're like, self-criticism wrong when you're like, "All right, I got weight to lose. That's "All right, I got weight to lose. That's "All right, I got weight to lose. That's the point of the gym. So, I'm going to the point of the gym. So, I'm going to the point of the gym. So, I'm going to go in and I'm going to do it now because go in and I'm going to do it now because go in and I'm going to do it now because I deserve to take care of myself I deserve to take care of myself I deserve to take care of myself regardless of how I may be feeling about regardless of how I may be feeling about regardless of how I may be feeling about where I'm at in my life. That's how you where I'm at in my life. That's how you where I'm at in my life. That's how you do it. I know it's a long-winded answer. do it. I know it's a long-winded answer. do it. I know it's a long-winded answer. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, >> guys. Mel's not playing around. That was >> guys. Mel's not playing around. That was >> guys. Mel's not playing around. That was a master class. a master class. a master class. >> Wow. We've already had a master class >> Wow. We've already had a master class >> Wow. We've already had a master class from you, Mel. Let's uh from you, Mel. Let's uh from you, Mel. Let's uh >> Okay, we're done. See you guys. >> Okay, we're done. See you guys. >> Okay, we're done. See you guys. There's so much to unpack in what you There's so much to unpack in what you There's so much to unpack in what you said and I want to start with the first said and I want to start with the first said and I want to start with the first point you made because what was really point you made because what was really point you made because what was really interesting is during my three years in interesting is during my three years in interesting is during my three years in the monastery I actually experienced the monastery I actually experienced the monastery I actually experienced what it felt like to not see my what it felt like to not see my what it felt like to not see my reflection unless I was on the streets reflection unless I was on the streets reflection unless I was on the streets and out of the monastery and out of the monastery and out of the monastery >> really >> really >> really >> because in the monastery there are no >> because in the monastery there are no >> because in the monastery there are no mirrors. mirrors. mirrors. >> Well, they don't want you to see what >> Well, they don't want you to see what >> Well, they don't want you to see what your head looks like. your head looks like. your head looks like. >> They don't want you to see what you look >> They don't want you to see what you look >> They don't want you to see what you look like with a shaved head. Trust me, it's like with a shaved head. Trust me, it's like with a shaved head. Trust me, it's not pretty. But it's true. like you not pretty. But it's true. like you not pretty. But it's true. like you don't see your reflection because that's don't see your reflection because that's don't see your reflection because that's seen as a way of becoming selfobsessed seen as a way of becoming selfobsessed seen as a way of becoming selfobsessed through the teachings of humility and through the teachings of humility and through the teachings of humility and detachment. detachment. detachment. >> And I realized what that felt like that >> And I realized what that felt like that >> And I realized what that felt like that when I left 3 years later, I hadn't when I left 3 years later, I hadn't when I left 3 years later, I hadn't thought about my physical self. And thought about my physical self. And thought about my physical self. And here's something really interesting here's something really interesting here's something really interesting about having done that for that long. about having done that for that long. about having done that for that long. You actually start to realize how much You actually start to realize how much You actually start to realize how much more there is to you than just your more there is to you than just your more there is to you than just your physical self. You actually get to physical self. You actually get to physical self. You actually get to explore explore explore your mental and emotional capacity and your mental and emotional capacity and your mental and emotional capacity and ability and potential because you're not ability and potential because you're not ability and potential because you're not bound by just thinking this is all I am. bound by just thinking this is all I am. bound by just thinking this is all I am. >> Dude, can we just stop and hover on that >> Dude, can we just stop and hover on that >> Dude, can we just stop and hover on that for a minute? Like for real, we are so for a minute? Like for real, we are so for a minute? Like for real, we are so obsessed with the physical that I don't obsessed with the physical that I don't obsessed with the physical that I don't even know even know even know that I've considered that I've considered that I've considered that probably 99% of my experience of that probably 99% of my experience of that probably 99% of my experience of life for probably the first 55 years of life for probably the first 55 years of life for probably the first 55 years of my life was all the physical. my life was all the physical. my life was all the physical. What do you look like? What do you feel What do you look like? What do you feel What do you look like? What do you feel like? Like what what do I got out there? like? Like what what do I got out there? like? Like what what do I got out there? What can people measure? What are the What can people measure? What are the What can people measure? What are the things that are around me? What are the things that are around me? What are the things that are around me? What are the what's the outfit? What's the makeup? what's the outfit? What's the makeup? what's the outfit? What's the makeup? What's the hairstyle? all that stuff and What's the hairstyle? all that stuff and What's the hairstyle? all that stuff and there's a whole actual life there's a whole actual life there's a whole actual life that is inside of you that is waiting to that is inside of you that is waiting to that is inside of you that is waiting to open up. And we've all been so open up. And we've all been so open up. And we've all been so distracted distracted distracted by the crap on the outside that we've by the crap on the outside that we've by the crap on the outside that we've forgotten what it feels like and what's forgotten what it feels like and what's forgotten what it feels like and what's possible when you truly tap in to the possible when you truly tap in to the possible when you truly tap in to the thing that's deeper than the skin and thing that's deeper than the skin and thing that's deeper than the skin and the hair and the face and everything the hair and the face and everything the hair and the face and everything that you're complaining about. that you're complaining about. that you're complaining about. >> Yeah. There's an inner universe that we >> Yeah. There's an inner universe that we >> Yeah. There's an inner universe that we haven't begun to explore. And that's why haven't begun to explore. And that's why haven't begun to explore. And that's why I love what you shared. It resonated so I love what you shared. It resonated so I love what you shared. It resonated so strongly with me because as Mel was strongly with me because as Mel was strongly with me because as Mel was saying, we've all been on that Zoom saying, we've all been on that Zoom saying, we've all been on that Zoom screen and we're not even looking at the screen and we're not even looking at the screen and we're not even looking at the other people, right? You're just staring other people, right? You're just staring other people, right? You're just staring in the bottom corner and everyone's in the bottom corner and everyone's in the bottom corner and everyone's staring in their bottom corner. And so, staring in their bottom corner. And so, staring in their bottom corner. And so, no one's looking at the slide deck that no one's looking at the slide deck that no one's looking at the slide deck that everyone's pretending to talk about. And everyone's pretending to talk about. And everyone's pretending to talk about. And all of a sudden, we've we've we're all of a sudden, we've we've we're all of a sudden, we've we've we're distracted again from that very physical distracted again from that very physical distracted again from that very physical sense. And one thing you were saying sense. And one thing you were saying sense. And one thing you were saying that really resonated with me that I that really resonated with me that I that really resonated with me that I think a lot of us do this because we get think a lot of us do this because we get think a lot of us do this because we get lost in this feeling of trying to lost in this feeling of trying to lost in this feeling of trying to shapeshift and trying to mold and then shapeshift and trying to mold and then shapeshift and trying to mold and then people please. So when we get lost in people please. So when we get lost in people please. So when we get lost in that loop, we're now trying to that loop, we're now trying to that loop, we're now trying to manipulate and maneuver ourselves. We're manipulate and maneuver ourselves. We're manipulate and maneuver ourselves. We're trying to self-correct and self-fix and trying to self-correct and self-fix and trying to self-correct and self-fix and self-critique in order to be a somewhat self-critique in order to be a somewhat self-critique in order to be a somewhat not even good enough for ourselves, not even good enough for ourselves, not even good enough for ourselves, hoping that someone else is going to say hoping that someone else is going to say hoping that someone else is going to say we're good enough. What does someone do we're good enough. What does someone do we're good enough. What does someone do in the audience right now who knows that in the audience right now who knows that in the audience right now who knows that they're just constantly trying to people they're just constantly trying to people they're just constantly trying to people please? They're constantly trying to please? They're constantly trying to please? They're constantly trying to selfcorrect, self-critique to be good selfcorrect, self-critique to be good selfcorrect, self-critique to be good for someone else. What's a barrier or a for someone else. What's a barrier or a for someone else. What's a barrier or a habit or a boundary that they should habit or a boundary that they should habit or a boundary that they should start with in order to break this cycle start with in order to break this cycle start with in order to break this cycle to interrupt this pattern? Okay, so to interrupt this pattern? Okay, so to interrupt this pattern? Okay, so there's two things I want to say about there's two things I want to say about there's two things I want to say about this. We got a bunch of people. Are this. We got a bunch of people. Are this. We got a bunch of people. Are there people pleasers in here? Nobody there people pleasers in here? Nobody there people pleasers in here? Nobody wants to raise their hand. Like, not me. wants to raise their hand. Like, not me. wants to raise their hand. Like, not me. Okay, great. Um, Okay, great. Um, Okay, great. Um, >> well, they're trying to please you, so >> well, they're trying to please you, so >> well, they're trying to please you, so they're gonna they're gonna they're gonna >> Okay, great. Raise your hands. Damn it. >> Okay, great. Raise your hands. Damn it. >> Okay, great. Raise your hands. Damn it. Um, Um, Um, this changed my life cuz I used to wear this changed my life cuz I used to wear this changed my life cuz I used to wear the peopleleasing badge like an honor. the peopleleasing badge like an honor. the peopleleasing badge like an honor. Well, I'm a people pleaser. I I'll lay Well, I'm a people pleaser. I I'll lay Well, I'm a people pleaser. I I'll lay down in front of a truck to help down in front of a truck to help down in front of a truck to help somebody. somebody. somebody. The first thing I want you to do is I The first thing I want you to do is I The first thing I want you to do is I want you to understand that people want you to understand that people want you to understand that people pleasing pleasing pleasing is actually is actually is actually manipulation. manipulation. manipulation. >> Whoa. >> Whoa. >> Whoa. >> Right. People pleaser sounds like I'm >> Right. People pleaser sounds like I'm >> Right. People pleaser sounds like I'm weak. I'm soft. Like I'm a people weak. I'm soft. Like I'm a people weak. I'm soft. Like I'm a people pleaser. pleaser. pleaser. No, you're you're a manipulator. No, you're you're a manipulator. No, you're you're a manipulator. Let me let me and I own this. Let me let me and I own this. Let me let me and I own this. this is going to snap you out of this this is going to snap you out of this this is going to snap you out of this because we kind of soften into the label because we kind of soften into the label because we kind of soften into the label and then we pretend we're weak. No, and then we pretend we're weak. No, and then we pretend we're weak. No, you're manipulating people so they like you're manipulating people so they like you're manipulating people so they like you. This is a strategy. you. This is a strategy. you. This is a strategy. >> Thank you. Thank you for receiving that. >> Thank you. Thank you for receiving that. >> Thank you. Thank you for receiving that. But doesn't it feel like a little But doesn't it feel like a little But doesn't it feel like a little screwed up and empowering when you're screwed up and empowering when you're screwed up and empowering when you're like, "Oh, wait a minute. I'm not some like, "Oh, wait a minute. I'm not some like, "Oh, wait a minute. I'm not some pushover. I actually want people to like pushover. I actually want people to like pushover. I actually want people to like me. So, I am willing to manipulate them me. So, I am willing to manipulate them me. So, I am willing to manipulate them by staying silent or doing things I by staying silent or doing things I by staying silent or doing things I don't want to do or not expressing my don't want to do or not expressing my don't want to do or not expressing my boundaries because I at all costs just boundaries because I at all costs just boundaries because I at all costs just want people to like me. There is nothing want people to like me. There is nothing want people to like me. There is nothing soft and weak about that at all. soft and weak about that at all. soft and weak about that at all. And when you look at it that way and you And when you look at it that way and you And when you look at it that way and you see it for what it is, it is a strategy see it for what it is, it is a strategy see it for what it is, it is a strategy to manipulate other people into liking to manipulate other people into liking to manipulate other people into liking you. That's what it is. you. That's what it is. you. That's what it is. >> Wow. >> Wow. >> Wow. >> And for me, that kind of wakeup call >> And for me, that kind of wakeup call >> And for me, that kind of wakeup call because that word people pleaser, it because that word people pleaser, it because that word people pleaser, it kind of feels like trying to like hug an kind of feels like trying to like hug an kind of feels like trying to like hug an octopus, you know, like you can't quite octopus, you know, like you can't quite octopus, you know, like you can't quite get your arms around it. It's very get your arms around it. It's very get your arms around it. It's very loose. But when I was like, whoa, wait a loose. But when I was like, whoa, wait a loose. But when I was like, whoa, wait a minute. I learned this as a behavior to minute. I learned this as a behavior to minute. I learned this as a behavior to achieve something. There's nothing weak achieve something. There's nothing weak achieve something. There's nothing weak about that at all. So that's number one. about that at all. So that's number one. about that at all. So that's number one. I invite you to just play around with I invite you to just play around with I invite you to just play around with that because you can then go, "Oh, there that because you can then go, "Oh, there that because you can then go, "Oh, there I go again. I'm doing that thing where I go again. I'm doing that thing where I go again. I'm doing that thing where I'm not telling the truth or I'm saying I'm not telling the truth or I'm saying I'm not telling the truth or I'm saying yes when I meant no or I'm like just not yes when I meant no or I'm like just not yes when I meant no or I'm like just not bringing this up because I'd rather they bringing this up because I'd rather they bringing this up because I'd rather they like me and I want to manipulate the like me and I want to manipulate the like me and I want to manipulate the situation." That's the kind of person situation." That's the kind of person situation." That's the kind of person that I am. And so that's number one. that I am. And so that's number one. that I am. And so that's number one. Number two is it creeps up on you. Number two is it creeps up on you. Number two is it creeps up on you. So it's so sneaky because it works. Like So it's so sneaky because it works. Like So it's so sneaky because it works. Like if you're a big, you know, if you're a if you're a big, you know, if you're a if you're a big, you know, if you're a person that just wants everybody to like person that just wants everybody to like person that just wants everybody to like you, you're a big yes person. And then you, you're a big yes person. And then you, you're a big yes person. And then of course you're angry at everybody for of course you're angry at everybody for of course you're angry at everybody for you saying yes, right? You know, you'll you saying yes, right? You know, you'll you saying yes, right? You know, you'll take care of everybody else and then take care of everybody else and then take care of everybody else and then about the fact that you have no about the fact that you have no about the fact that you have no time for yourself, you know? Like it's time for yourself, you know? Like it's time for yourself, you know? Like it's like and so but here's the thing. You like and so but here's the thing. You like and so but here's the thing. You don't see it yet. And so there was this don't see it yet. And so there was this don't see it yet. And so there was this incredible person that came on. I want incredible person that came on. I want incredible person that came on. I want to get her name right. It was Dr. to get her name right. It was Dr. to get her name right. It was Dr. uh Dr. Lakshim. She's an expert on uh Dr. Lakshim. She's an expert on uh Dr. Lakshim. She's an expert on boundaries. And she said the darnest boundaries. And she said the darnest boundaries. And she said the darnest thing. She said, "Here's how you can thing. She said, "Here's how you can thing. She said, "Here's how you can start to get a hold of this because you start to get a hold of this because you start to get a hold of this because you don't realize how sneaky it is. You have don't realize how sneaky it is. You have don't realize how sneaky it is. You have to create to create to create a pause. like think about creating a a pause. like think about creating a a pause. like think about creating a little bit of a space between you and little bit of a space between you and little bit of a space between you and the world. And I'm going to give you an the world. And I'm going to give you an the world. And I'm going to give you an example. example. example. Let's say you're a teacher or you're a Let's say you're a teacher or you're a Let's say you're a teacher or you're a nurse or you have a job where you're nurse or you have a job where you're nurse or you have a job where you're like go go go go go. And it's one of like go go go go go. And it's one of like go go go go go. And it's one of those jobs where you almost never even those jobs where you almost never even those jobs where you almost never even have time to go to the bathroom. You have time to go to the bathroom. You have time to go to the bathroom. You literally do not eat lunch when you're literally do not eat lunch when you're literally do not eat lunch when you're hungry. You couldn't possibly take a hungry. You couldn't possibly take a hungry. You couldn't possibly take a quick break because then you're going to quick break because then you're going to quick break because then you're going to get in trouble. Everybody needs you. get in trouble. Everybody needs you. get in trouble. Everybody needs you. This is another thing with people This is another thing with people This is another thing with people pleasing. It's how you feel important pleasing. It's how you feel important pleasing. It's how you feel important because if you're needed then it gives because if you're needed then it gives because if you're needed then it gives you a sense of purpose. We're on the on you a sense of purpose. We're on the on you a sense of purpose. We're on the on purpose podcast and so one of the things purpose podcast and so one of the things purpose podcast and so one of the things that she said which is kind of sneaky is that she said which is kind of sneaky is that she said which is kind of sneaky is the best way to start to separate the best way to start to separate the best way to start to separate yourself from the strategy Jay is to pay yourself from the strategy Jay is to pay yourself from the strategy Jay is to pay attention to what your body needs. Do attention to what your body needs. Do attention to what your body needs. Do you need to go to the bathroom? you need to go to the bathroom? you need to go to the bathroom? Do you need to eat something right now? Do you need to eat something right now? Do you need to eat something right now? Do you need to step away from your Do you need to step away from your Do you need to step away from your computer and just take a 10-minute walk computer and just take a 10-minute walk computer and just take a 10-minute walk outside? And notice how often when outside? And notice how often when outside? And notice how often when you're thirsty or you got to go to the you're thirsty or you got to go to the you're thirsty or you got to go to the bathroom or, you know, you're sitting in bathroom or, you know, you're sitting in bathroom or, you know, you're sitting in class, you're like, I'm kind of hungry, class, you're like, I'm kind of hungry, class, you're like, I'm kind of hungry, but I don't want to make a sound, you but I don't want to make a sound, you but I don't want to make a sound, you know, and pull this thing out of my bed know, and pull this thing out of my bed know, and pull this thing out of my bed or I don't want to get up in the middle or I don't want to get up in the middle or I don't want to get up in the middle of this meeting and excuse myself of this meeting and excuse myself of this meeting and excuse myself >> because I want people to like me and >> because I want people to like me and >> because I want people to like me and respect me. respect me. respect me. Start to notice where you have no actual Start to notice where you have no actual Start to notice where you have no actual separation from the world around you and separation from the world around you and separation from the world around you and your need to just push yourself through your need to just push yourself through your need to just push yourself through it and be liked by everybody and not it and be liked by everybody and not it and be liked by everybody and not make any waves and not do this and make make any waves and not do this and make make any waves and not do this and make sure that nothing that is your need sure that nothing that is your need sure that nothing that is your need creates somebody having an opinion about creates somebody having an opinion about creates somebody having an opinion about you. And so eat you. And so eat you. And so eat when you're hungry at work. take a break when you're hungry at work. take a break when you're hungry at work. take a break and go to the bathroom when you realize and go to the bathroom when you realize and go to the bathroom when you realize you need to instead of holding it you need to instead of holding it you need to instead of holding it because you don't want to leave the because you don't want to leave the because you don't want to leave the meeting or you don't want to get out of meeting or you don't want to get out of meeting or you don't want to get out of class. If you are burnt out and class. If you are burnt out and class. If you are burnt out and overwhelmed, go up to your manager and overwhelmed, go up to your manager and overwhelmed, go up to your manager and say, "I need a 10-minute break." And say, "I need a 10-minute break." And say, "I need a 10-minute break." And what you're going to notice is how often what you're going to notice is how often what you're going to notice is how often you're unwilling you're unwilling you're unwilling to take care of your own basic needs to take care of your own basic needs to take care of your own basic needs because you're worried about what people because you're worried about what people because you're worried about what people are going to think if you do. And so are going to think if you do. And so are going to think if you do. And so that is a way to just start to separate that is a way to just start to separate that is a way to just start to separate yourself because when you're a yourself because when you're a yourself because when you're a manipulator like that, like I used to manipulator like that, like I used to manipulator like that, like I used to be, it is so in your DNA, you know? So be, it is so in your DNA, you know? So be, it is so in your DNA, you know? So you'll order a cup of coffee and they'll you'll order a cup of coffee and they'll you'll order a cup of coffee and they'll get it wrong. You be like, "Oh, no, no, get it wrong. You be like, "Oh, no, no, get it wrong. You be like, "Oh, no, no, you don't need to fix it. I I order the you don't need to fix it. I I order the you don't need to fix it. I I order the chai, but I'll take the uh espresso chai, but I'll take the uh espresso chai, but I'll take the uh espresso triple shot thing. No problem. No triple shot thing. No problem. No triple shot thing. No problem. No problem. I got it. I'm easy. Okay." And problem. I got it. I'm easy. Okay." And problem. I got it. I'm easy. Okay." And then you walk out and you're like, "Damn then you walk out and you're like, "Damn then you walk out and you're like, "Damn it." They always get it wrong in there. it." They always get it wrong in there. it." They always get it wrong in there. >> Do you know Do you know why I love that? >> Do you know Do you know why I love that? >> Do you know Do you know why I love that? I absolutely love that, Mel, because I absolutely love that, Mel, because I absolutely love that, Mel, because it's so interesting how it's so interesting how it's so interesting how our bodies always know what they need, our bodies always know what they need, our bodies always know what they need, >> right? You don't have to think about >> right? You don't have to think about >> right? You don't have to think about becoming hungry. Your body just tells becoming hungry. Your body just tells becoming hungry. Your body just tells you. You don't have to think about being you. You don't have to think about being you. You don't have to think about being thirsty. Your body tells you. You don't thirsty. Your body tells you. You don't thirsty. Your body tells you. You don't need to think about sleep. Your body need to think about sleep. Your body need to think about sleep. Your body tells you when it's tired. And it's so tells you when it's tired. And it's so tells you when it's tired. And it's so interesting why we struggle today. I'm interesting why we struggle today. I'm interesting why we struggle today. I'm realizing this literally by talking to realizing this literally by talking to realizing this literally by talking to you right now. We struggle with sleep you right now. We struggle with sleep you right now. We struggle with sleep today. We struggle with eating today. We today. We struggle with eating today. We today. We struggle with eating today. We struggle with all of these things today struggle with all of these things today struggle with all of these things today because of what you just said because because of what you just said because because of what you just said because we've ignored the body. Yes. we've ignored the body. Yes. we've ignored the body. Yes. >> And we're trying to figure it all out in >> And we're trying to figure it all out in >> And we're trying to figure it all out in our mind our mind our mind >> when the body's been telling us and >> when the body's been telling us and >> when the body's been telling us and guiding us all along. So this lack of guiding us all along. So this lack of guiding us all along. So this lack of alignment that we have between the mind alignment that we have between the mind alignment that we have between the mind and the body where the body is saying do and the body where the body is saying do and the body where the body is saying do this, do this, do this, and the mind this, do this, do this, and the mind this, do this, do this, and the mind saying I can't, I can't, I can't. saying I can't, I can't, I can't. saying I can't, I can't, I can't. Because so and so will say that, so and Because so and so will say that, so and Because so and so will say that, so and so will think that. That lack of so will think that. That lack of so will think that. That lack of alignment is what makes it so hard to go alignment is what makes it so hard to go alignment is what makes it so hard to go to sleep when you want to. to sleep when you want to. to sleep when you want to. >> Correct. Like how many of us stay awake >> Correct. Like how many of us stay awake >> Correct. Like how many of us stay awake and we're like, "Okay, I'll watch and we're like, "Okay, I'll watch and we're like, "Okay, I'll watch another episode with you." When you another episode with you." When you another episode with you." When you don't want to. >> Or or with in my case, Radi falls asleep >> Or or with in my case, Radi falls asleep just when we figured out what we were just when we figured out what we were just when we figured out what we were going to watch. going to watch. going to watch. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> And now I'm sitting there going, "Oh, >> And now I'm sitting there going, "Oh, >> And now I'm sitting there going, "Oh, now I have to wait for you to watch this now I have to wait for you to watch this now I have to wait for you to watch this tomorrow." tomorrow." tomorrow." >> Yes. No, you don't. >> Yes. No, you don't. >> Yes. No, you don't. >> No, you don't. I end up doing >> No, you don't. I end up doing >> No, you don't. I end up doing >> like and so so but this is really >> like and so so but this is really >> like and so so but this is really important because it sounds like a dumb important because it sounds like a dumb important because it sounds like a dumb suggestion but it makes a lot of sense suggestion but it makes a lot of sense suggestion but it makes a lot of sense because how on earth are you going to be because how on earth are you going to be because how on earth are you going to be able to start putting yourself first and able to start putting yourself first and able to start putting yourself first and drawing bigger boundaries? No, I'm not drawing bigger boundaries? No, I'm not drawing bigger boundaries? No, I'm not coming home from the holidays. coming home from the holidays. coming home from the holidays. No, I am not going to take that weekend No, I am not going to take that weekend No, I am not going to take that weekend shift. Even though you need help at shift. Even though you need help at shift. Even though you need help at work, I have plans. If you can't start work, I have plans. If you can't start work, I have plans. If you can't start to pay attention to the basic needs to pay attention to the basic needs to pay attention to the basic needs because you, you know, want to please because you, you know, want to please because you, you know, want to please your partner and make sure they're not your partner and make sure they're not your partner and make sure they're not upset with you in the morning. So, upset with you in the morning. So, upset with you in the morning. So, you're going to sit up late even though you're going to sit up late even though you're going to sit up late even though you don't want to, then you're never you don't want to, then you're never you don't want to, then you're never going to be able to draw bigger going to be able to draw bigger going to be able to draw bigger boundaries when it feels like the stakes boundaries when it feels like the stakes boundaries when it feels like the stakes are even higher. And so, what I love are even higher. And so, what I love are even higher. And so, what I love about this pause is it's a way to start about this pause is it's a way to start about this pause is it's a way to start to interrupt your own behavior. So you to interrupt your own behavior. So you to interrupt your own behavior. So you can notice how insidious it is. Like how can notice how insidious it is. Like how can notice how insidious it is. Like how it's everywhere that you literally will it's everywhere that you literally will it's everywhere that you literally will trip over yourself and stomp on your own trip over yourself and stomp on your own trip over yourself and stomp on your own head as long as people aren't mad at you head as long as people aren't mad at you head as long as people aren't mad at you or they're not disappointed or you're or they're not disappointed or you're or they're not disappointed or you're not going to get in trouble or they're not going to get in trouble or they're not going to get in trouble or they're still going to like you and then it's still going to like you and then it's still going to like you and then it's just exhausting. And so I loved that just exhausting. And so I loved that just exhausting. 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As I'm listening to you, I'm just As I'm listening to you, I'm just As I'm listening to you, I'm just thinking about this. I'm thinking if I'm thinking about this. I'm thinking if I'm thinking about this. I'm thinking if I'm even even even lucky enough to make someone not mad at lucky enough to make someone not mad at lucky enough to make someone not mad at me, even if I'm lucky enough to pull me, even if I'm lucky enough to pull me, even if I'm lucky enough to pull that off, I'm probably going to go to that off, I'm probably going to go to that off, I'm probably going to go to bed mad at myself. And even if I'm lucky bed mad at myself. And even if I'm lucky bed mad at myself. And even if I'm lucky enough to convince someone to like me, enough to convince someone to like me, enough to convince someone to like me, I'm probably going to go to bed I'm probably going to go to bed I'm probably going to go to bed disliking myself. disliking myself. disliking myself. >> And if someone convinced me to say yes >> And if someone convinced me to say yes >> And if someone convinced me to say yes when I wanted to say no, I'm going to go when I wanted to say no, I'm going to go when I wanted to say no, I'm going to go to bed feeling like I betrayed myself. to bed feeling like I betrayed myself. to bed feeling like I betrayed myself. And so it's a really fascinating feeling And so it's a really fascinating feeling And so it's a really fascinating feeling that we have where like we're trying to that we have where like we're trying to that we have where like we're trying to win in the outside world win in the outside world win in the outside world being okay to lose in the inside world. being okay to lose in the inside world. being okay to lose in the inside world. And that inside world is what we live in And that inside world is what we live in And that inside world is what we live in all day. That's what we're actually all day. That's what we're actually all day. That's what we're actually seeing through, living through, seeing through, living through, seeing through, living through, breathing through. It's the the lens breathing through. It's the the lens breathing through. It's the the lens that everything happens through. I'm that everything happens through. I'm that everything happens through. I'm like, when I look at your journey, Mel, like, when I look at your journey, Mel, like, when I look at your journey, Mel, and I love the year you're having. I and I love the year you're having. I and I love the year you're having. I love I just want to give Mel her flowers love I just want to give Mel her flowers love I just want to give Mel her flowers cuz she's just phenomenal. like she has cuz she's just phenomenal. like she has cuz she's just phenomenal. like she has worked like I've known Mel I I think me worked like I've known Mel I I think me worked like I've known Mel I I think me and Mel have known each other now for and Mel have known each other now for and Mel have known each other now for like I'd say like 7 years maybe even a like I'd say like 7 years maybe even a like I'd say like 7 years maybe even a bit longer. bit longer. bit longer. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> And Mel works so hard. She has been >> And Mel works so hard. She has been >> And Mel works so hard. She has been crushing for so many years. She has put crushing for so many years. She has put crushing for so many years. She has put in work and time and energy and effort in work and time and energy and effort in work and time and energy and effort for years. And I'm saying that as a for years. And I'm saying that as a for years. And I'm saying that as a friend, as an admirer, as a colleague, I friend, as an admirer, as a colleague, I friend, as an admirer, as a colleague, I have seen this human only want to help have seen this human only want to help have seen this human only want to help people for years and years and years and people for years and years and years and people for years and years and years and help millions of people. And when I look help millions of people. And when I look help millions of people. And when I look at the transformations you've had from at the transformations you've had from at the transformations you've had from being a lawyer to being a talk show host being a lawyer to being a talk show host being a lawyer to being a talk show host to becoming one of the the biggest to becoming one of the the biggest to becoming one of the the biggest public speakers in the country and the public speakers in the country and the public speakers in the country and the world to go on to write multiple world to go on to write multiple world to go on to write multiple best-selling books to go on to have the best-selling books to go on to have the best-selling books to go on to have the number one podcast in the world to go on number one podcast in the world to go on number one podcast in the world to go on to just conquer all of these different to just conquer all of these different to just conquer all of these different fields. fields. fields. >> Who are you talking about? >> Who are you talking about? >> Who are you talking about? >> I'm as surprised as you are, Jay. Like >> I'm as surprised as you are, Jay. Like >> I'm as surprised as you are, Jay. Like >> I'm not surprised. What I'm saying is >> I'm not surprised. What I'm saying is >> I'm not surprised. What I'm saying is what I love about you is that whether what I love about you is that whether what I love about you is that whether there has been external validation or there has been external validation or there has been external validation or not in different levels in all of these not in different levels in all of these not in different levels in all of these years, you have kept going, you've kept years, you have kept going, you've kept years, you have kept going, you've kept pivoting, and you've kept giving. And pivoting, and you've kept giving. And pivoting, and you've kept giving. And that to me is the sign that you're that to me is the sign that you're that to me is the sign that you're fueled by something deeper. And I know fueled by something deeper. And I know fueled by something deeper. And I know that. And the question I have for you is that. And the question I have for you is that. And the question I have for you is you've pivoted so many times in your you've pivoted so many times in your you've pivoted so many times in your career. And I'm assuming that there are career. And I'm assuming that there are career. And I'm assuming that there are people out there in this audience today people out there in this audience today people out there in this audience today who are like jamming this pivot right who are like jamming this pivot right who are like jamming this pivot right now. Like I'm trying to build my side now. Like I'm trying to build my side now. Like I'm trying to build my side hustle. I want to quit my job. I want to hustle. I want to quit my job. I want to hustle. I want to quit my job. I want to build this passion. I really want to build this passion. I really want to build this passion. I really want to continue my job, but I want to start continue my job, but I want to start continue my job, but I want to start writing. I want to blog. I want to writing. I want to blog. I want to writing. I want to blog. I want to launch a podcast. Right? There's people launch a podcast. Right? There's people launch a podcast. Right? There's people who have so many visions and dreams. who have so many visions and dreams. who have so many visions and dreams. How did you get the courage to let go How did you get the courage to let go How did you get the courage to let go and move on multiple times when it's so and move on multiple times when it's so and move on multiple times when it's so hard to let go of something that feels hard to let go of something that feels hard to let go of something that feels certain, stable, and safe? How did you certain, stable, and safe? How did you certain, stable, and safe? How did you choose uncertainty and unsafety when we choose uncertainty and unsafety when we choose uncertainty and unsafety when we all crave safety? all crave safety? all crave safety? >> I I think courage is the wrong word. I >> I I think courage is the wrong word. I >> I I think courage is the wrong word. I would use the word desperation. would use the word desperation. would use the word desperation. No, I mean it. I I mean it, you guys. No, I mean it. I I mean it, you guys. No, I mean it. I I mean it, you guys. It's like I I I don't know what it is It's like I I I don't know what it is It's like I I I don't know what it is about my personality, but I have like about my personality, but I have like about my personality, but I have like negative energy that propels me forward. negative energy that propels me forward. negative energy that propels me forward. >> I I mean I I'm being dead serious, you >> I I mean I I'm being dead serious, you >> I I mean I I'm being dead serious, you guys, cuz courage sounds like this big guys, cuz courage sounds like this big guys, cuz courage sounds like this big thing. And I know there's no courage thing. And I know there's no courage thing. And I know there's no courage without fear, but the truth is I hated without fear, but the truth is I hated without fear, but the truth is I hated my life when I was a lawyer. I mean, I I my life when I was a lawyer. I mean, I I my life when I was a lawyer. I mean, I I would literally take the freaking would literally take the freaking would literally take the freaking commuter rail in. It felt like a death commuter rail in. It felt like a death commuter rail in. It felt like a death sentence. And then you march from South sentence. And then you march from South sentence. And then you march from South Station up to High Street. And then you Station up to High Street. And then you Station up to High Street. And then you get in the elevator. And I would get in the elevator. And I would get in the elevator. And I would contemplate, why is there no floor 13? contemplate, why is there no floor 13? contemplate, why is there no floor 13? Oh, I know. Cuz this is an unlucky Oh, I know. Cuz this is an unlucky Oh, I know. Cuz this is an unlucky building. And then I would get in there building. And then I would get in there building. And then I would get in there and I would literally do the bare and I would literally do the bare and I would literally do the bare minimum, Jay. Because I hated my life. minimum, Jay. Because I hated my life. minimum, Jay. Because I hated my life. And at some point, you will get to a And at some point, you will get to a And at some point, you will get to a point where you go, point where you go, point where you go, my life doesn't work for me. my life doesn't work for me. my life doesn't work for me. Like it might have worked last year, Like it might have worked last year, Like it might have worked last year, but it's not working now. And you will but it's not working now. And you will but it's not working now. And you will tolerate that. And you'll tolerate it tolerate that. And you'll tolerate it tolerate that. And you'll tolerate it for years. Some of you will tolerate it for years. Some of you will tolerate it for years. Some of you will tolerate it for decades. And there's a certain for decades. And there's a certain for decades. And there's a certain amount of negative energy required in amount of negative energy required in amount of negative energy required in me. me. me. >> Yeah. in order to organize enough of >> Yeah. in order to organize enough of >> Yeah. in order to organize enough of what they call the intrinsic drive to what they call the intrinsic drive to what they call the intrinsic drive to get over your own excuses and fears and get over your own excuses and fears and get over your own excuses and fears and BS and actually do the thing. And so to BS and actually do the thing. And so to BS and actually do the thing. And so to me, like every pivot you guys was either me, like every pivot you guys was either me, like every pivot you guys was either because like I had to put gas in the because like I had to put gas in the because like I had to put gas in the tank and food on the table. I got fired tank and food on the table. I got fired tank and food on the table. I got fired from three different jobs. I mean, it from three different jobs. I mean, it from three different jobs. I mean, it sounds fancy to say I was a talk show sounds fancy to say I was a talk show sounds fancy to say I was a talk show host, but the show sucked. It got host, but the show sucked. It got host, but the show sucked. It got cancelled. cancelled. cancelled. And I don't care. I I don't have a And I don't care. I I don't have a And I don't care. I I don't have a problem saying it. I tried it. I won cuz problem saying it. I tried it. I won cuz problem saying it. I tried it. I won cuz I tried. And at some point, you're going I tried. And at some point, you're going I tried. And at some point, you're going to understand something. You're either to understand something. You're either to understand something. You're either going to spend your life watching other going to spend your life watching other going to spend your life watching other people people people do the things you want to do. And then do the things you want to do. And then do the things you want to do. And then you're going to end up on your deathbed you're going to end up on your deathbed you're going to end up on your deathbed and go, "Wow, and go, "Wow, and go, "Wow, I I really blew it. I I I didn't push I I really blew it. I I I didn't push I I really blew it. I I I didn't push myself through all of those fears and myself through all of those fears and myself through all of those fears and those excuses when I could have. I those excuses when I could have. I those excuses when I could have. I really regret how I spent the time that really regret how I spent the time that really regret how I spent the time that I had. So, you're either going to spend I had. So, you're either going to spend I had. So, you're either going to spend your life watching other people do the your life watching other people do the your life watching other people do the things that you want to do and then things that you want to do and then things that you want to do and then spend a lot of time making up excuses. spend a lot of time making up excuses. spend a lot of time making up excuses. Well, they're this or they're that. And Well, they're this or they're that. And Well, they're this or they're that. And and it may be true. There are people in and it may be true. There are people in and it may be true. There are people in this world that have unfair advantages. this world that have unfair advantages. this world that have unfair advantages. There are people that are starting at a There are people that are starting at a There are people that are starting at a different starting line than you are. different starting line than you are. different starting line than you are. There are people that are handed a lot There are people that are handed a lot There are people that are handed a lot of money. There are people that aren't. of money. There are people that aren't. of money. There are people that aren't. But you got to at some point wake up and But you got to at some point wake up and But you got to at some point wake up and realize you got what you got. That's realize you got what you got. That's realize you got what you got. That's what you got. You got the the the cards what you got. You got the the the cards what you got. You got the the the cards that have been dealt to you are the ones that have been dealt to you are the ones that have been dealt to you are the ones that you have to play. And so you can that you have to play. And so you can that you have to play. And so you can waste your life and your time bitching waste your life and your time bitching waste your life and your time bitching about where you're at and being jealous about where you're at and being jealous about where you're at and being jealous of your friends, which I did for of your friends, which I did for of your friends, which I did for decades. decades. decades. Or you will get to a point where you are Or you will get to a point where you are Or you will get to a point where you are so sick of yourself and you're sick of so sick of yourself and you're sick of so sick of yourself and you're sick of being miserable that you actually do being miserable that you actually do being miserable that you actually do something because the cost of staying something because the cost of staying something because the cost of staying where you are is so much more painful where you are is so much more painful where you are is so much more painful than moving toward the thing you've been than moving toward the thing you've been than moving toward the thing you've been avoiding. And so for me, whether the avoiding. And so for me, whether the avoiding. And so for me, whether the organizing principle, Jay, was I got organizing principle, Jay, was I got organizing principle, Jay, was I got bills to pay or recognizing nobody is bills to pay or recognizing nobody is bills to pay or recognizing nobody is coming to fix this and I can either coming to fix this and I can either coming to fix this and I can either blame this all on my husband or wish, blame this all on my husband or wish, blame this all on my husband or wish, you know, he was in finance. I I have you know, he was in finance. I I have you know, he was in finance. I I have this funny story where, you know, I see this funny story where, you know, I see this funny story where, you know, I see a friend's kitchen, right? Yeah. I don't a friend's kitchen, right? Yeah. I don't a friend's kitchen, right? Yeah. I don't know. Have you guys ever had that know. Have you guys ever had that know. Have you guys ever had that experience in life, Jay? I don't know if experience in life, Jay? I don't know if experience in life, Jay? I don't know if you have, but have you ever had that you have, but have you ever had that you have, but have you ever had that experience where people in your life experience where people in your life experience where people in your life that you're doing life with all of a that you're doing life with all of a that you're doing life with all of a sudden it's like they move to the next sudden it's like they move to the next sudden it's like they move to the next town or a nicer building and you're town or a nicer building and you're town or a nicer building and you're like, "How do they have this much money like, "How do they have this much money like, "How do they have this much money and then you and then you and then you go to their house, right? And they open go to their house, right? And they open go to their house, right? And they open up the door and you're happy for your up the door and you're happy for your up the door and you're happy for your friend like you are. They've worked friend like you are. They've worked friend like you are. They've worked hard. They deserve this." and they give hard. They deserve this." and they give hard. They deserve this." and they give you the glass of wine or the you know you the glass of wine or the you know you the glass of wine or the you know Juny and you have that that expression Juny and you have that that expression Juny and you have that that expression and you're like and you're trying to be really nice and and you're trying to be really nice and happy for them and you're like gripping happy for them and you're like gripping happy for them and you're like gripping the can so much it's going to start to the can so much it's going to start to the can so much it's going to start to spill and as they give you the tour Jay it's and as they give you the tour Jay it's like one restoration hardware display like one restoration hardware display like one restoration hardware display after the other and then they show you after the other and then they show you after the other and then they show you the kitchen and you're like she's got the kitchen and you're like she's got the kitchen and you're like she's got white cabinets. white cabinets. white cabinets. That's my Pinterest board. The white That's my Pinterest board. The white That's my Pinterest board. The white cabinets with the thing. And then if cabinets with the thing. And then if cabinets with the thing. And then if you're an immature, negative, you're an immature, negative, you're an immature, negative, peopleleasing manipulator like I am, peopleleasing manipulator like I am, peopleleasing manipulator like I am, Jay, and you have no idea how to process Jay, and you have no idea how to process Jay, and you have no idea how to process your emotions like a mature adult, the your emotions like a mature adult, the your emotions like a mature adult, the second you get in the car, you turn to second you get in the car, you turn to second you get in the car, you turn to your spouse like I did, AND YOU'RE LIKE, your spouse like I did, AND YOU'RE LIKE, your spouse like I did, AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHY couldn't you be in finance? "WHY couldn't you be in finance? "WHY couldn't you be in finance? Why do you care about people? you know, and poor Chris. Poor Chris you know, and poor Chris. Poor Chris literally is like a turtle in the car. literally is like a turtle in the car. literally is like a turtle in the car. He's like, I don't know why I'm not in He's like, I don't know why I'm not in He's like, I don't know why I'm not in finance. finance. finance. It would have made life easier. It would have made life easier. It would have made life easier. And so, you know, for years, I would see And so, you know, for years, I would see And so, you know, for years, I would see what other people had and I would be what other people had and I would be what other people had and I would be jealous. And the cool thing about jealous. And the cool thing about jealous. And the cool thing about jealousy, like, let's just talk about jealousy, like, let's just talk about jealousy, like, let's just talk about the cool thing about jealousy. the cool thing about jealousy. the cool thing about jealousy. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> You can't be jealous of something you >> You can't be jealous of something you >> You can't be jealous of something you don't want. don't want. don't want. >> Just think about that. >> Just think about that. >> Just think about that. You can't be jealous of something you You can't be jealous of something you You can't be jealous of something you don't want. don't want. don't want. >> There's a lot of things you wouldn't be >> There's a lot of things you wouldn't be >> There's a lot of things you wouldn't be jealous about. jealous about. jealous about. >> Yeah, I'm not jealous of anybody that >> Yeah, I'm not jealous of anybody that >> Yeah, I'm not jealous of anybody that lives in the fanciest penthouse in lives in the fanciest penthouse in lives in the fanciest penthouse in Dubai. I don't want to live there. Dubai. I don't want to live there. Dubai. I don't want to live there. >> No offense to Dubai. It's fantastic. >> No offense to Dubai. It's fantastic. >> No offense to Dubai. It's fantastic. That's wonderful for you. That does not That's wonderful for you. That does not That's wonderful for you. That does not make me jealous. make me jealous. make me jealous. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> White kitchen cabinets with the marble >> White kitchen cabinets with the marble >> White kitchen cabinets with the marble countertop. That's what I got. But so countertop. That's what I got. But so countertop. That's what I got. But so there's something in that like the pull there's something in that like the pull there's something in that like the pull of it. And what I'm going to tell you is of it. And what I'm going to tell you is of it. And what I'm going to tell you is jealousy is you blocking jealousy is you blocking jealousy is you blocking what's meant for you with your what's meant for you with your what's meant for you with your insecurity. insecurity. insecurity. >> Jealousy comes up because it's a >> Jealousy comes up because it's a >> Jealousy comes up because it's a messenger messenger messenger and it's trying to get your attention and it's trying to get your attention and it's trying to get your attention while you've been sitting there wasting while you've been sitting there wasting while you've been sitting there wasting hours and hours and hours on Pinterest hours and hours and hours on Pinterest hours and hours and hours on Pinterest and blaming everything on your parents and blaming everything on your parents and blaming everything on your parents and the person you're dating or married and the person you're dating or married and the person you're dating or married to. You could have gotten to work to. You could have gotten to work to. You could have gotten to work and just figured out how to create what and just figured out how to create what and just figured out how to create what you wanted. Like I spent years thinking you wanted. Like I spent years thinking you wanted. Like I spent years thinking that my happiness and our finances was that my happiness and our finances was that my happiness and our finances was Chris's responsibility. Chris's responsibility. Chris's responsibility. >> Wow. >> Wow. >> Wow. >> Like if there's things if I want in my >> Like if there's things if I want in my >> Like if there's things if I want in my life, I'm capable of paying for them. life, I'm capable of paying for them. life, I'm capable of paying for them. I'm capable of like getting clear about I'm capable of like getting clear about I'm capable of like getting clear about what I want and then just go to Chat GTP what I want and then just go to Chat GTP what I want and then just go to Chat GTP and be like, "This is what I'd like. I and be like, "This is what I'd like. I and be like, "This is what I'd like. I got a year. What do I do every day for got a year. What do I do every day for got a year. What do I do every day for 30 minutes?" And honest to God, ChatGP 30 minutes?" And honest to God, ChatGP 30 minutes?" And honest to God, ChatGP is going to spit out a plan for you. And is going to spit out a plan for you. And is going to spit out a plan for you. And then you're going to be like, "Well, I then you're going to be like, "Well, I then you're going to be like, "Well, I don't like this. It's not going to work don't like this. It's not going to work don't like this. It's not going to work for me." That would work for Jay, but for me." That would work for Jay, but for me." That would work for Jay, but it's not going to work for me. it's not going to work for me. it's not going to work for me. and then you're not going to do it. And and then you're not going to do it. And and then you're not going to do it. And so I just got to the point at so many so I just got to the point at so many so I just got to the point at so many times like I got so like why did I start times like I got so like why did I start times like I got so like why did I start a podcast? Cuz I was jealous of one of a podcast? Cuz I was jealous of one of a podcast? Cuz I was jealous of one of my close friends Jay Shetty. my close friends Jay Shetty. my close friends Jay Shetty. I swear to God I literally be like that I swear to God I literally be like that I swear to God I literally be like that motherucker. motherucker. motherucker. Honest to God him meditation like Honest to God him meditation like Honest to God him meditation like what? Like he's he he started it before what? Like he's he he started it before what? Like he's he he started it before I could. Damn Jay. Damn. Damn. Oh J I'm I could. Damn Jay. Damn. Damn. Oh J I'm I could. Damn Jay. Damn. Damn. Oh J I'm so happy for you with your podcast. so happy for you with your podcast. so happy for you with your podcast. And then you got to say, well, what's And then you got to say, well, what's And then you got to say, well, what's underneath the jealousy? There's underneath the jealousy? There's underneath the jealousy? There's something that my friend is doing and something that my friend is doing and something that my friend is doing and he's leading the way. he's leading the way. he's leading the way. And if I can get my negative ass out of And if I can get my negative ass out of And if I can get my negative ass out of the way, I can actually see that there's the way, I can actually see that there's the way, I can actually see that there's something that he's doing that's something that he's doing that's something that he's doing that's inspiring me. He's not taking anything inspiring me. He's not taking anything inspiring me. He's not taking anything from me. He's giving something to me. from me. He's giving something to me. from me. He's giving something to me. Everybody, yes. Everybody in your life Everybody, yes. Everybody in your life Everybody, yes. Everybody in your life that you are jealous of is giving you that you are jealous of is giving you that you are jealous of is giving you something. something. something. You know, I I think about life, Jay, as You know, I I think about life, Jay, as You know, I I think about life, Jay, as we're all on this giant walk together. we're all on this giant walk together. we're all on this giant walk together. That's what we're doing. That's what we're doing. That's what we're doing. And there are going to be times in your And there are going to be times in your And there are going to be times in your life where you're ahead of other people life where you're ahead of other people life where you're ahead of other people because your example can help other because your example can help other because your example can help other people. Our our friend Ed Mallette says people. Our our friend Ed Mallette says people. Our our friend Ed Mallette says that you're best equipped to help the that you're best equipped to help the that you're best equipped to help the person you used to be. If you've ever person you used to be. If you've ever person you used to be. If you've ever had a kid that you know has had learning had a kid that you know has had learning had a kid that you know has had learning disabilities and you've had to go disabilities and you've had to go disabilities and you've had to go through the IEP process, you are on a through the IEP process, you are on a through the IEP process, you are on a walk with the entire world and that walk with the entire world and that walk with the entire world and that experience equips you to help somebody experience equips you to help somebody experience equips you to help somebody who has not gone through that. And then who has not gone through that. And then who has not gone through that. And then there are going to be times where you're there are going to be times where you're there are going to be times where you're behind and everybody in this room could behind and everybody in this room could behind and everybody in this room could teach you something if you're willing to teach you something if you're willing to teach you something if you're willing to go through your life with open arms and go through your life with open arms and go through your life with open arms and an open mind and even see the things an open mind and even see the things an open mind and even see the things that you're jealous of. And like why am that you're jealous of. And like why am that you're jealous of. And like why am I out on tour? Because he went on one. I out on tour? Because he went on one. I out on tour? Because he went on one. Like I'm just such a copycat. It's Like I'm just such a copycat. It's Like I'm just such a copycat. It's unbelievable. Like damn, I'm jealous. unbelievable. Like damn, I'm jealous. unbelievable. Like damn, I'm jealous. Jay's going on tour. Okay, that's a Jay's going on tour. Okay, that's a Jay's going on tour. Okay, that's a sign. There's something that he's doing. sign. There's something that he's doing. sign. There's something that he's doing. Oh, I know what it is. He's actually Oh, I know what it is. He's actually Oh, I know what it is. He's actually with the people that listen to the with the people that listen to the with the people that listen to the podcast. I want that because I miss you podcast. I want that because I miss you podcast. I want that because I miss you guys. Like I I like I'm alone in my guys. Like I I like I'm alone in my guys. Like I I like I'm alone in my garage in Vermont for crying out loud. garage in Vermont for crying out loud. garage in Vermont for crying out loud. Like I need people. I need people. Jay. Like I need people. I need people. Jay. Like I need people. I need people. Jay. >> Oh, Mel. I mean >> Oh, Mel. I mean >> Oh, Mel. I mean >> I need I need another drink. Can I have >> I need I need another drink. Can I have >> I need I need another drink. Can I have yours? yours? yours? >> Yeah, of course. Here you go. >> Yeah, of course. Here you go. >> Yeah, of course. Here you go. >> Since I spilled mine. >> Since I spilled mine. >> Since I spilled mine. >> I would have thrown it at >> I would have thrown it at >> I would have thrown it at >> I'm not sure you spilled it as much as >> I'm not sure you spilled it as much as >> I'm not sure you spilled it as much as you destroyed it. But uh but uh you destroyed it. But uh but uh you destroyed it. But uh but uh the person you're jealous of is not the person you're jealous of is not the person you're jealous of is not taking anything from you but is giving taking anything from you but is giving taking anything from you but is giving something to you. I want everyone to something to you. I want everyone to something to you. I want everyone to write that down. Mel just said that. write that down. Mel just said that. write that down. Mel just said that. Write it down. That is the single best Write it down. That is the single best Write it down. That is the single best advice I've ever heard in my entire life advice I've ever heard in my entire life advice I've ever heard in my entire life on overcoming jealousy and envy. on overcoming jealousy and envy. on overcoming jealousy and envy. >> Really? There is not because because you >> Really? There is not because because you >> Really? There is not because because you constantly think someone's taking up constantly think someone's taking up constantly think someone's taking up your space, taking up your your space, taking up your your space, taking up your opportunities, taking up every single opportunities, taking up every single opportunities, taking up every single access point, taking up the network. You access point, taking up the network. You access point, taking up the network. You think that and because you think that think that and because you think that think that and because you think that you think there's no space left for you. you think there's no space left for you. you think there's no space left for you. It's so you think there's only a finite It's so you think there's only a finite It's so you think there's only a finite number of seats. And so if someone else number of seats. And so if someone else number of seats. And so if someone else taking all those seats, then there's no taking all those seats, then there's no taking all those seats, then there's no seat for me. That is the single best seat for me. That is the single best seat for me. That is the single best advice. Give me a round of applause for advice. Give me a round of applause for advice. Give me a round of applause for that. Insane. Single best advice. Well, that. Insane. Single best advice. Well, that. Insane. Single best advice. Well, um, all I'm going to say, Jay, is if you um, all I'm going to say, Jay, is if you um, all I'm going to say, Jay, is if you could text that to me because being could text that to me because being could text that to me because being menopausal, I will forget that the menopausal, I will forget that the menopausal, I will forget that the second that I will text and everyone second that I will text and everyone second that I will text and everyone else will tag us. Everyone else will tag else will tag us. Everyone else will tag else will tag us. Everyone else will tag us and put it up. Uh, Mel, because us and put it up. Uh, Mel, because us and put it up. Uh, Mel, because you've been on the podcast, I think two you've been on the podcast, I think two you've been on the podcast, I think two or three times. This might be the third or three times. This might be the third or three times. This might be the third or fourth. We're not going to do the or fourth. We're not going to do the or fourth. We're not going to do the final five with you before we take some final five with you before we take some final five with you before we take some questions. I want to do a new game that questions. I want to do a new game that questions. I want to do a new game that we invented for the stage, and you get we invented for the stage, and you get we invented for the stage, and you get to be involved as well. Great. to be involved as well. Great. to be involved as well. Great. >> It's called >> It's called >> It's called >> It's called Vibe Check. And there are >> It's called Vibe Check. And there are >> It's called Vibe Check. And there are these two paddles I'm going to give you. these two paddles I'm going to give you. these two paddles I'm going to give you. One says it's a vibe and the other one One says it's a vibe and the other one One says it's a vibe and the other one says not a vibe. I'm gonna ask you guys says not a vibe. I'm gonna ask you guys says not a vibe. I'm gonna ask you guys what you think first. Then Mel's going what you think first. Then Mel's going what you think first. Then Mel's going to tell us the truth. So I want to hear to tell us the truth. So I want to hear to tell us the truth. So I want to hear you say do your best rendition. you say do your best rendition. you say do your best rendition. >> You can do better than that. >> Brilliant. I love it. I'm going to hand >> Brilliant. I love it. I'm going to hand these to Mel. these to Mel. these to Mel. >> Okay. I want to make sure I understand >> Okay. I want to make sure I understand >> Okay. I want to make sure I understand this cuz I want you to like me. Right. this cuz I want you to like me. Right. this cuz I want you to like me. Right. >> I'm going to read. I'm >> I'm going to read. I'm >> I'm going to read. I'm >> This means no. It's like not in. And >> This means no. It's like not in. And >> This means no. It's like not in. And this means it's in. Correct. Oh, red. this means it's in. Correct. Oh, red. this means it's in. Correct. Oh, red. Green. Okay. I get it now. For those who Green. Okay. I get it now. For those who Green. Okay. I get it now. For those who don't understand the words, don't understand the words, don't understand the words, >> I'm going to read you different >> I'm going to read you different >> I'm going to read you different scenarios and we're going to get the scenarios and we're going to get the scenarios and we're going to get the audience's reactions first, then we're audience's reactions first, then we're audience's reactions first, then we're going to get Mel's reaction, then her going to get Mel's reaction, then her going to get Mel's reaction, then her explanation of her reaction. explanation of her reaction. explanation of her reaction. >> Great. >> Great. >> Great. >> All right. So, the first one, >> All right. So, the first one, >> All right. So, the first one, >> your friend really wants to go to an >> your friend really wants to go to an >> your friend really wants to go to an event where they won't know anyone, but event where they won't know anyone, but event where they won't know anyone, but you've had a really stressful week at you've had a really stressful week at you've had a really stressful week at work and are drained, so you say no. Is work and are drained, so you say no. Is work and are drained, so you say no. Is it a vibe or is it not a vibe? Say it's it a vibe or is it not a vibe? Say it's it a vibe or is it not a vibe? Say it's a vibe if it's a vibe. a vibe if it's a vibe. a vibe if it's a vibe. >> It's a vibe. >> It's a vibe. >> It's a vibe. For those who it's not a vibe. For those who it's not a vibe. For those who it's not a vibe. >> Not a vibe. >> Not a vibe. >> Not a vibe. >> Oh, all right. There's a lot of uh over >> Oh, all right. There's a lot of uh over >> Oh, all right. There's a lot of uh over to Mel. I'll read it again. Your friend to Mel. I'll read it again. Your friend to Mel. I'll read it again. Your friend really wants you to go to an event where really wants you to go to an event where really wants you to go to an event where they won't know anyone. But you had a they won't know anyone. But you had a they won't know anyone. But you had a really stressful week at work and are really stressful week at work and are really stressful week at work and are drained. So, you say no. drained. So, you say no. drained. So, you say no. >> Well, if they want to go to an event >> Well, if they want to go to an event >> Well, if they want to go to an event where they don't know anybody, then I where they don't know anybody, then I where they don't know anybody, then I better not show up. Otherwise, they know better not show up. Otherwise, they know better not show up. Otherwise, they know somebody. >> Good answer, Mel. I like that. That's >> Good answer, Mel. I like that. That's awesome. All right, this time I'll ask awesome. All right, this time I'll ask awesome. All right, this time I'll ask you to make noise. You decline a project you to make noise. You decline a project you to make noise. You decline a project at work because you don't feel confident at work because you don't feel confident at work because you don't feel confident you can handle it, even though it could you can handle it, even though it could you can handle it, even though it could have been a big career move. Is it a have been a big career move. Is it a have been a big career move. Is it a vibe? Make some noise. vibe? Make some noise. vibe? Make some noise. >> It's not a vibe. >> It's not a vibe. >> It's not a vibe. >> It's not a vibe. >> It's not a vibe. >> It's not a vibe. >> Yes, Mel. >> Yes, Mel. >> Yes, Mel. >> Yeah, definitely not a vibe. The We got >> Yeah, definitely not a vibe. The We got >> Yeah, definitely not a vibe. The We got successful people in the audience successful people in the audience successful people in the audience tonight. You know, you say yes to that tonight. You know, you say yes to that tonight. You know, you say yes to that kind of thing. You do. You do. Oh, this kind of thing. You do. You do. Oh, this kind of thing. You do. You do. Oh, this one's going to be interesting. You're one's going to be interesting. You're one's going to be interesting. You're dating someone who treats you well, but dating someone who treats you well, but dating someone who treats you well, but doesn't challenge you emotionally or doesn't challenge you emotionally or doesn't challenge you emotionally or intellectually. intellectually. intellectually. You stay in the relationship because You stay in the relationship because You stay in the relationship because they really take care of you. they really take care of you. they really take care of you. >> Is it a vibe? >> Is it a vibe? >> Is it a vibe? It's not a vibe, It's not a vibe, It's not a vibe, Mel. Mel. Mel. >> Oh, >> Oh, >> Oh, all right. Explain, Mel. You're saying all right. Explain, Mel. You're saying all right. Explain, Mel. You're saying it is. They said it's not. Well, you it is. They said it's not. Well, you it is. They said it's not. Well, you know, I think it depends on what you know, I think it depends on what you know, I think it depends on what you value. Like literally, you can have a value. Like literally, you can have a value. Like literally, you can have a therapist that challenges you therapist that challenges you therapist that challenges you emotionally. emotionally. emotionally. I actually, you know, I say I've said to I actually, you know, I say I've said to I actually, you know, I say I've said to my my our kids that, you know, I think my my our kids that, you know, I think my my our kids that, you know, I think about the person that you're going to about the person that you're going to about the person that you're going to create a life with as your home base. create a life with as your home base. create a life with as your home base. And so for me, peace is what I And so for me, peace is what I And so for me, peace is what I prioritize. So, if you have somebody prioritize. So, if you have somebody prioritize. So, if you have somebody that takes care of you, but they're not that takes care of you, but they're not that takes care of you, but they're not like challenging you emotionally, I like challenging you emotionally, I like challenging you emotionally, I don't think the person that you're with don't think the person that you're with don't think the person that you're with has to be 100% of everything and you has to be 100% of everything and you has to be 100% of everything and you know, like if you're that that's know, like if you're that that's know, like if you're that that's different than saying you're you're with different than saying you're you're with different than saying you're you're with somebody who just is like the walking somebody who just is like the walking somebody who just is like the walking dead. dead. dead. But what I heard in that question is a But what I heard in that question is a But what I heard in that question is a like this thing that happens in like this thing that happens in like this thing that happens in relationships where you constantly relationships where you constantly relationships where you constantly think, is there somebody better out think, is there somebody better out think, is there somebody better out there? and you're searching for this there? and you're searching for this there? and you're searching for this sort of Frankenstein version of a human sort of Frankenstein version of a human sort of Frankenstein version of a human being where you take a little bit of being where you take a little bit of being where you take a little bit of this and a little bit of that and a this and a little bit of that and a this and a little bit of that and a little bit of this and you forget that little bit of this and you forget that little bit of this and you forget that if you got 80% if you got 80% if you got 80% of the things that actually matter. of the things that actually matter. of the things that actually matter. You're with somebody who's loyal, who's You're with somebody who's loyal, who's You're with somebody who's loyal, who's kind to you, who cares about you, who is kind to you, who cares about you, who is kind to you, who cares about you, who is interested in learning, but you know, interested in learning, but you know, interested in learning, but you know, anybody can develop skills and becoming anybody can develop skills and becoming anybody can develop skills and becoming more self-aware. That's a skill. more self-aware. That's a skill. more self-aware. That's a skill. becoming more uh like emotionally aware. becoming more uh like emotionally aware. becoming more uh like emotionally aware. That's a skill. And so I think you know That's a skill. And so I think you know That's a skill. And so I think you know one of the big things especially as a one of the big things especially as a one of the big things especially as a mom that I keep saying to my kids is we mom that I keep saying to my kids is we mom that I keep saying to my kids is we get so obsessed about the shiny stuff on get so obsessed about the shiny stuff on get so obsessed about the shiny stuff on the outside like we've been talking the outside like we've been talking the outside like we've been talking about that we actually don't give enough about that we actually don't give enough about that we actually don't give enough value to the things that matter over the value to the things that matter over the value to the things that matter over the long haul. long haul. long haul. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Because you know having been with Chris >> Because you know having been with Chris >> Because you know having been with Chris for 30 years I've hated the man at for 30 years I've hated the man at for 30 years I've hated the man at times. Like I I literally and and it's times. Like I I literally and and it's times. Like I I literally and and it's it's about whether or not you're with it's about whether or not you're with it's about whether or not you're with somebody that when you come home, you're somebody that when you come home, you're somebody that when you come home, you're going to exhale. That when you're going going to exhale. That when you're going going to exhale. That when you're going through a hard time, you know that through a hard time, you know that through a hard time, you know that they're going to be there for you and they're going to be there for you and they're going to be there for you and that you're going to be there for them. that you're going to be there for them. that you're going to be there for them. That this is a person that may not have That this is a person that may not have That this is a person that may not have it all cuz none of us do, but it's a it all cuz none of us do, but it's a it all cuz none of us do, but it's a person that's willing to grow with you person that's willing to grow with you person that's willing to grow with you and to try. And so to me, I think that and to try. And so to me, I think that and to try. And so to me, I think that that's what I heard in that. that's what I heard in that. that's what I heard in that. >> I love it. Great answer. Great answer. >> I love it. Great answer. Great answer. >> I love it. Great answer. Great answer. All right, last one. All right, last one. All right, last one. You guys having fun? You guys having fun? You guys having fun? >> Awesome. All right, last one. Last one >> Awesome. All right, last one. Last one >> Awesome. All right, last one. Last one before we take some questions. Okay. You before we take some questions. Okay. You before we take some questions. Okay. You have a close friend who always dates have a close friend who always dates have a close friend who always dates people who are bad for them. people who are bad for them. people who are bad for them. >> You can relate, right? All right. You've >> You can relate, right? All right. You've >> You can relate, right? All right. You've said things in the past and they haven't said things in the past and they haven't said things in the past and they haven't listened. You see them making a major listened. You see them making a major listened. You see them making a major mistake again, but you decide not to say mistake again, but you decide not to say mistake again, but you decide not to say anything this time. Is it a vibe? anything this time. Is it a vibe? anything this time. Is it a vibe? It's a vibe. It's a vibe. It's a vibe. They're saying it's a vibe to not say They're saying it's a vibe to not say They're saying it's a vibe to not say anything this time. I'll read it again. anything this time. I'll read it again. anything this time. I'll read it again. You have a close friend who always dates You have a close friend who always dates You have a close friend who always dates people who are bad for them. You've said people who are bad for them. You've said people who are bad for them. You've said things in the past and they haven't things in the past and they haven't things in the past and they haven't listened. You see them making a major listened. You see them making a major listened. You see them making a major mistake again, but you decide not to say mistake again, but you decide not to say mistake again, but you decide not to say anything this time. anything this time. anything this time. >> Oh, disagreement again. disagreement again. >> Well, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you >> Well, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you >> Well, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Because let them doesn't mean them. But there's the let me part and the But there's the let me part and the reason why they didn't listen is because reason why they didn't listen is because reason why they didn't listen is because you criticized them and you were you criticized them and you were you criticized them and you were judgmental judgmental judgmental and you thought you knew better. And so and you thought you knew better. And so and you thought you knew better. And so you just like I have done in my life you just like I have done in my life you just like I have done in my life made this mistake by thinking I know made this mistake by thinking I know made this mistake by thinking I know better. I actually push somebody away better. I actually push somebody away better. I actually push somebody away from me and right into the arms of that from me and right into the arms of that from me and right into the arms of that person. And so I wouldn't say what I had person. And so I wouldn't say what I had person. And so I wouldn't say what I had said in the past, but I might say, "You said in the past, but I might say, "You said in the past, but I might say, "You don't seem like yourself." don't seem like yourself." don't seem like yourself." I might say, "Have you thought about I might say, "Have you thought about I might say, "Have you thought about whether or not you're happy?" Because I whether or not you're happy?" Because I whether or not you're happy?" Because I want you to be happy. And if you're want you to be happy. And if you're want you to be happy. And if you're happy in this, I actually want you to happy in this, I actually want you to happy in this, I actually want you to bring this person around. bring this person around. bring this person around. And what's going to happen is by doing And what's going to happen is by doing And what's going to happen is by doing that, not judging, you're now stirring that, not judging, you're now stirring that, not judging, you're now stirring up tension. They're not an idiot. People up tension. They're not an idiot. People up tension. They're not an idiot. People know when they're with somebody who know when they're with somebody who know when they're with somebody who treats them like crap, but when we judge treats them like crap, but when we judge treats them like crap, but when we judge and we think we know better, now we are and we think we know better, now we are and we think we know better, now we are piling on judgment which makes them feel piling on judgment which makes them feel piling on judgment which makes them feel more trapped and ashamed because they more trapped and ashamed because they more trapped and ashamed because they know. And so you taking an approach that know. And so you taking an approach that know. And so you taking an approach that is more of the let me side of this is more of the let me side of this is more of the let me side of this that's like let me be more that's like let me be more that's like let me be more compassionate. Let me just say I want compassionate. Let me just say I want compassionate. Let me just say I want you to be happy and you don't seem happy you to be happy and you don't seem happy you to be happy and you don't seem happy and just I'm here and if us all going and just I'm here and if us all going and just I'm here and if us all going out to dinner together is going to like out to dinner together is going to like out to dinner together is going to like bring you closer. I would love to go out bring you closer. I would love to go out bring you closer. I would love to go out to dinner with you and this person and to dinner with you and this person and to dinner with you and this person and then they're going to have to sit with then they're going to have to sit with then they're going to have to sit with that. that. that. But that's how you keep somebody closer But that's how you keep somebody closer But that's how you keep somebody closer and you make it safe for them to come to and you make it safe for them to come to and you make it safe for them to come to you when things get hard and when you when things get hard and when you when things get hard and when they're going to leave. Because you they're going to leave. Because you they're going to leave. Because you know, also if this is somebody that has know, also if this is somebody that has know, also if this is somebody that has been doing this over and over, it's a been doing this over and over, it's a been doing this over and over, it's a pattern and this is something that pattern and this is something that pattern and this is something that they're going to keep repeating they're going to keep repeating they're going to keep repeating and it's going to take time for them to and it's going to take time for them to and it's going to take time for them to see that they're worthy. And so the see that they're worthy. And so the see that they're worthy. And so the worst thing you could do is push them worst thing you could do is push them worst thing you could do is push them toward the other person by being toward the other person by being toward the other person by being judgmental. You want to keep them very judgmental. You want to keep them very judgmental. You want to keep them very close, particularly if you're worried close, particularly if you're worried close, particularly if you're worried about them. about them. about them. >> Beautiful, Mel. >> Beautiful, Mel. >> Beautiful, Mel. Mel, I love I love the disagreement in Mel, I love I love the disagreement in Mel, I love I love the disagreement in the room, but coming to a nice wholesome the room, but coming to a nice wholesome the room, but coming to a nice wholesome agreement. We wanted to make this night agreement. We wanted to make this night agreement. We wanted to make this night special. The fact that you've come out special. The fact that you've come out special. The fact that you've come out for a live taping of the recording, I for a live taping of the recording, I for a live taping of the recording, I wanted to make sure that we get you wanted to make sure that we get you wanted to make sure that we get you involved. And so now Mel's kindly agreed involved. And so now Mel's kindly agreed involved. And so now Mel's kindly agreed too. Mel and I would love to take your too. Mel and I would love to take your too. Mel and I would love to take your questions. I'm going to have Taylor from questions. I'm going to have Taylor from questions. I'm going to have Taylor from my team coming around. She has a my team coming around. She has a my team coming around. She has a microphone. If you have a real genuine microphone. If you have a real genuine microphone. If you have a real genuine burning question that you'd wanted to burning question that you'd wanted to burning question that you'd wanted to ask Mel, this is your opportunity that's ask Mel, this is your opportunity that's ask Mel, this is your opportunity that's going to make Jay blush. going to make Jay blush. going to make Jay blush. >> Raise your raise your hand and Taylor >> Raise your raise your hand and Taylor >> Raise your raise your hand and Taylor will come and find you. This is Taylor. will come and find you. This is Taylor. will come and find you. This is Taylor. Everyone, make some noise for Taylor in Everyone, make some noise for Taylor in Everyone, make some noise for Taylor in the brown blazer. Be nice to her, otherwise she won't pick Be nice to her, otherwise she won't pick you. >> Hi everybody. You guys are so >> Hi everybody. You guys are so good-looking. good-looking. good-looking. >> Please stand up when you uh ask your >> Please stand up when you uh ask your >> Please stand up when you uh ask your question. What's your Tell us your name. question. What's your Tell us your name. question. What's your Tell us your name. Hey man, how's it going? Hey man, how's it going? Hey man, how's it going? >> Fantastic. Ladies and gentlemen, such an >> Fantastic. Ladies and gentlemen, such an >> Fantastic. Ladies and gentlemen, such an honor. Such an honor to be here with honor. Such an honor to be here with honor. Such an honor to be here with this Melan J. Oh my god. this Melan J. Oh my god. this Melan J. Oh my god. Danny Woodwani, born and raised in Danny Woodwani, born and raised in Danny Woodwani, born and raised in Ghana, West Africa, Indian by origin, Ghana, West Africa, Indian by origin, Ghana, West Africa, Indian by origin, and being in Boston for and being in Boston for and being in Boston for 20 years now. 20 years now. 20 years now. >> Amazing. >> Amazing. >> Amazing. >> Here's my question for you. >> Here's my question for you. >> Here's my question for you. In all that you've shared, In all that you've shared, In all that you've shared, in all that you've become, in all that you've become, in all that you've become, when you are envisioning the better Mel, the Mel you've the better Mel, the Mel you've envisioned or the highest truest version envisioned or the highest truest version envisioned or the highest truest version of Mel. of Mel. of Mel. Where do you go to Where do you go to Where do you go to to tap into that source of power, to tap into that source of power, to tap into that source of power, courage, and reinforcement to push that mail forward or to capture to push that mail forward or to capture where that mel is trying to go? Because where that mel is trying to go? Because where that mel is trying to go? Because we all have moments where we want to be we all have moments where we want to be we all have moments where we want to be somewhere. H or we think we can get somewhere. H or we think we can get somewhere. H or we think we can get there but we're doubting and so much is going on around us where and so much is going on around us where we we cannot silence the noise. There we we cannot silence the noise. There we we cannot silence the noise. There must be a source of power or a source of people or a source of something that people or a source of something that people like you and Jay tap into to say people like you and Jay tap into to say people like you and Jay tap into to say I can absolutely effing do this. I'm I can absolutely effing do this. I'm I can absolutely effing do this. I'm going to go from on purpose to in junior going to go from on purpose to in junior going to go from on purpose to in junior to everywhere. to everywhere. to everywhere. >> I love it. All right. >> I love it. All right. >> I love it. All right. >> Thank you, man. Great question. Thank >> Thank you, man. Great question. Thank >> Thank you, man. Great question. Thank you. you. you. >> Great question. >> Great question. >> Great question. >> Great first question. Go on, Mel. >> Great first question. Go on, Mel. >> Great first question. Go on, Mel. >> You want me to take it first? >> You want me to take it first? >> You want me to take it first? >> Yeah. Highest Mel, he said. >> Yeah. Highest Mel, he said. >> Yeah. Highest Mel, he said. >> Okay. Oh, that's right. Okay. Well, I >> Okay. Oh, that's right. Okay. Well, I >> Okay. Oh, that's right. Okay. Well, I was going to see how you were going to was going to see how you were going to was going to see how you were going to answer. answer. answer. >> I I'm whatever you want. So, I guess I >> I I'm whatever you want. So, I guess I >> I I'm whatever you want. So, I guess I want to I want to approach this two ways want to I want to approach this two ways want to I want to approach this two ways because what you're actually talking because what you're actually talking because what you're actually talking about about about is cultivating a sense of faith is cultivating a sense of faith is cultivating a sense of faith in your ability in your ability in your ability to make things turn out without knowing to make things turn out without knowing to make things turn out without knowing whether or not they do. whether or not they do. whether or not they do. And so there is this thing that I say to And so there is this thing that I say to And so there is this thing that I say to myself when it feels like things are not myself when it feels like things are not myself when it feels like things are not happening fast enough or there's another happening fast enough or there's another happening fast enough or there's another job I just got fired from or there's job I just got fired from or there's job I just got fired from or there's another bill I like all those moments of another bill I like all those moments of another bill I like all those moments of my life where you know it's funny you my life where you know it's funny you my life where you know it's funny you can define what you want but oftentimes can define what you want but oftentimes can define what you want but oftentimes you get it but it's not how you thought you get it but it's not how you thought you get it but it's not how you thought you would. M. you would. M. you would. M. >> And so I cultivated this kind of saying >> And so I cultivated this kind of saying >> And so I cultivated this kind of saying for myself where I would literally say for myself where I would literally say for myself where I would literally say to myself, I refuse to believe that this to myself, I refuse to believe that this to myself, I refuse to believe that this is how it ends. is how it ends. is how it ends. >> I love that >> I love that >> I love that >> that I believe that this moment, no >> that I believe that this moment, no >> that I believe that this moment, no matter how sucky it is, is preparing me matter how sucky it is, is preparing me matter how sucky it is, is preparing me for something in the future that I do for something in the future that I do for something in the future that I do not know is going to happen. And the not know is going to happen. And the not know is going to happen. And the reason why I know that this works is reason why I know that this works is reason why I know that this works is because each and every one of you, you because each and every one of you, you because each and every one of you, you can sit in this moment with Jay and me can sit in this moment with Jay and me can sit in this moment with Jay and me and everybody here right now. And if you and everybody here right now. And if you and everybody here right now. And if you look back on your life, look back on your life, look back on your life, you can see how everything that you can see how everything that you can see how everything that happened, good or bad. I'm not saying happened, good or bad. I'm not saying happened, good or bad. I'm not saying you deserve any of the bad things, but you deserve any of the bad things, but you deserve any of the bad things, but you can see how everything that happened you can see how everything that happened you can see how everything that happened led you here, right now. that every day, led you here, right now. that every day, led you here, right now. that every day, every experience, right, is just a brick every experience, right, is just a brick every experience, right, is just a brick in the path of life. And if that is in the path of life. And if that is in the path of life. And if that is true, which it is, true, which it is, true, which it is, then it is also true that where you are then it is also true that where you are then it is also true that where you are in this moment is also a brick on that in this moment is also a brick on that in this moment is also a brick on that same path. And it is leading you same path. And it is leading you same path. And it is leading you somewhere. And I choose to believe that somewhere. And I choose to believe that somewhere. And I choose to believe that that somewhere that it's leading is way that somewhere that it's leading is way that somewhere that it's leading is way bigger and more amazing and cooler than bigger and more amazing and cooler than bigger and more amazing and cooler than you could possibly imagine. Now, it may you could possibly imagine. Now, it may you could possibly imagine. Now, it may be 17 years be 17 years be 17 years before you look back before you look back before you look back on this moment and say, "That's why that on this moment and say, "That's why that on this moment and say, "That's why that happened." Because, you know, when I happened." Because, you know, when I happened." Because, you know, when I invented the 5-second rule, counting invented the 5-second rule, counting invented the 5-second rule, counting 54321 to get out of bed when we were 54321 to get out of bed when we were 54321 to get out of bed when we were $800,000 in debt, it was 19 miles from $800,000 in debt, it was 19 miles from $800,000 in debt, it was 19 miles from here. February 2008, Tuesday morning. here. February 2008, Tuesday morning. here. February 2008, Tuesday morning. One decision changed my life. I had no One decision changed my life. I had no One decision changed my life. I had no idea in that moment that that little idea in that moment that that little idea in that moment that that little countdown thing would be the brick that countdown thing would be the brick that countdown thing would be the brick that would lead me all the way here. You would lead me all the way here. You would lead me all the way here. You know, I'll share another story. I for know, I'll share another story. I for know, I'll share another story. I for years would watch people that wrote years would watch people that wrote years would watch people that wrote books and had podcasts and all this books and had podcasts and all this books and had podcasts and all this stuff be asked to be interviewed by stuff be asked to be interviewed by stuff be asked to be interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and I would always sit Oprah Winfrey and I would always sit Oprah Winfrey and I would always sit there going, "Why does no why why am I there going, "Why does no why why am I there going, "Why does no why why am I not getting asked?" And then I would say not getting asked?" And then I would say not getting asked?" And then I would say to myself, "One of these days it's gonna to myself, "One of these days it's gonna to myself, "One of these days it's gonna happen. One of these you if it hasn't happen. One of these you if it hasn't happen. One of these you if it hasn't happened yet, here's another one. It's happened yet, here's another one. It's happened yet, here's another one. It's because it's not meant to happen now. because it's not meant to happen now. because it's not meant to happen now. And so when Jay acknowledged me for all And so when Jay acknowledged me for all And so when Jay acknowledged me for all the crazy stuff that's been going on the crazy stuff that's been going on the crazy stuff that's been going on this year, this year, this year, it occurred to me, "Oh, that's why it it occurred to me, "Oh, that's why it it occurred to me, "Oh, that's why it didn't happen then, because I was being didn't happen then, because I was being didn't happen then, because I was being held for a different moment." You are held for a different moment." You are held for a different moment." You are being held for a different moment. being held for a different moment. being held for a different moment. and cultivating that faith in yourself and cultivating that faith in yourself and cultivating that faith in yourself that you have the capacity to keep that you have the capacity to keep that you have the capacity to keep going, that there are lessons that you going, that there are lessons that you going, that there are lessons that you still need, that there is some bigger still need, that there is some bigger still need, that there is some bigger possibility in the future that is possibility in the future that is possibility in the future that is waiting for you, which is why it's not waiting for you, which is why it's not waiting for you, which is why it's not happening now. And there's that famous I happening now. And there's that famous I happening now. And there's that famous I think I I don't know if it was Jay-Z think I I don't know if it was Jay-Z think I I don't know if it was Jay-Z that said it, but literally the genius that said it, but literally the genius that said it, but literally the genius thing that both Jay and I have done is thing that both Jay and I have done is thing that both Jay and I have done is we just don't quit. we just don't quit. we just don't quit. We don't quit. We don't quit. We don't quit. And I do think you have to outlast And I do think you have to outlast And I do think you have to outlast yourself yourself yourself because you're the one who's going to because you're the one who's going to because you're the one who's going to quit. You're not against Jay or me. It's quit. You're not against Jay or me. It's quit. You're not against Jay or me. It's you against you. And so when I think of you against you. And so when I think of you against you. And so when I think of the I can't remember the word that you the I can't remember the word that you the I can't remember the word that you use to describe like the version of me, use to describe like the version of me, use to describe like the version of me, the per the version of me that I think the per the version of me that I think the per the version of me that I think about is somebody who reminds herself about is somebody who reminds herself about is somebody who reminds herself all the time, no matter what's going on all the time, no matter what's going on all the time, no matter what's going on now, I choose to believe this is in now, I choose to believe this is in now, I choose to believe this is in service of something that I can't even service of something that I can't even service of something that I can't even imagine that's going to happen. And I imagine that's going to happen. And I imagine that's going to happen. And I trust that that that at some point I'll trust that that that at some point I'll trust that that that at some point I'll know. And my job now is not to doubt. It know. And my job now is not to doubt. It know. And my job now is not to doubt. It is to just keep going. We all want to feel better, to have more We all want to feel better, to have more energy and more focus throughout the energy and more focus throughout the energy and more focus throughout the day. That's why I co-ounded Juni, a day. That's why I co-ounded Juni, a day. That's why I co-ounded Juni, a sparkling adaptogenic drink made with sparkling adaptogenic drink made with sparkling adaptogenic drink made with powerful ingredients like ashwagandha powerful ingredients like ashwagandha powerful ingredients like ashwagandha and lion's mane. It's designed to boost and lion's mane. It's designed to boost and lion's mane. 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I remember one of my monk teachers used to say to me, of my monk teachers used to say to me, of my monk teachers used to say to me, if there's something you desire and it if there's something you desire and it if there's something you desire and it hasn't manifested yet, it's because of hasn't manifested yet, it's because of hasn't manifested yet, it's because of three things. One is the universe and three things. One is the universe and three things. One is the universe and God saying, "Not right now." God saying, "Not right now." God saying, "Not right now." The second is not like this. The second is not like this. The second is not like this. And the third is And the third is And the third is I've got something better planned. I've got something better planned. I've got something better planned. >> Oh, I like that one. >> Oh, I like that one. >> Oh, I like that one. >> And >> And >> And I have seen that in my own life. And I I have seen that in my own life. And I I have seen that in my own life. And I think that's what Mel's saying and think that's what Mel's saying and think that's what Mel's saying and that's why it made me think that I that's why it made me think that I that's why it made me think that I always used to believe that my always used to believe that my always used to believe that my imagination imagination imagination was big and beautiful only to realize was big and beautiful only to realize was big and beautiful only to realize that the universe and God's imagination that the universe and God's imagination that the universe and God's imagination was far far greater than anything I was far far greater than anything I was far far greater than anything I could imagine for myself. could imagine for myself. could imagine for myself. And it's that trust in that moment when And it's that trust in that moment when And it's that trust in that moment when you think your imagination is better you think your imagination is better you think your imagination is better than God's and the universe is. It's in than God's and the universe is. It's in than God's and the universe is. It's in that moment when you're not getting it that moment when you're not getting it that moment when you're not getting it that you have to live what Mel's saying that you have to live what Mel's saying that you have to live what Mel's saying in that I refuse to believe it ends like in that I refuse to believe it ends like in that I refuse to believe it ends like this. I love that statement. And another this. I love that statement. And another this. I love that statement. And another one that I love for myself that I've one that I love for myself that I've one that I love for myself that I've always said and it comes back to the always said and it comes back to the always said and it comes back to the same advice that Mel was giving earlier. same advice that Mel was giving earlier. same advice that Mel was giving earlier. We all need mantras to keep us going. We all need mantras to keep us going. We all need mantras to keep us going. Mine has always been this only makes the Mine has always been this only makes the Mine has always been this only makes the story better. story better. story better. >> Every time I get rejected, I've just >> Every time I get rejected, I've just >> Every time I get rejected, I've just collected something that makes the story collected something that makes the story collected something that makes the story better when I get to tell it. And when I better when I get to tell it. And when I better when I get to tell it. And when I tell my story in 5, 10, 15 years time, tell my story in 5, 10, 15 years time, tell my story in 5, 10, 15 years time, this moment just made that story better. this moment just made that story better. this moment just made that story better. Cuz everyone I respect and everyone I Cuz everyone I respect and everyone I Cuz everyone I respect and everyone I look up to has had that same story. If look up to has had that same story. If look up to has had that same story. If you're failing, you're having the same you're failing, you're having the same you're failing, you're having the same story as the person who's successful. If story as the person who's successful. If story as the person who's successful. If you're losing, you're having the same you're losing, you're having the same you're losing, you're having the same story as the person who's winning now. story as the person who's winning now. story as the person who's winning now. If you're losing right now, you're If you're losing right now, you're If you're losing right now, you're having the same story as the person who having the same story as the person who having the same story as the person who wins in 10 years. That's what they did, wins in 10 years. That's what they did, wins in 10 years. That's what they did, too. They didn't win their first too. They didn't win their first too. They didn't win their first championship. They didn't win their championship. They didn't win their championship. They didn't win their first league. It didn't work that way. first league. It didn't work that way. first league. It didn't work that way. And so this only makes the story better, And so this only makes the story better, And so this only makes the story better, >> right? This only makes the story better. >> right? This only makes the story better. >> right? This only makes the story better. So So So >> So good. >> So good. >> So good. >> And that helps. Uh Taylor, where are >> And that helps. Uh Taylor, where are >> And that helps. Uh Taylor, where are you? Taylor. Taylor's over there. Who you? Taylor. Taylor's over there. Who you? Taylor. Taylor's over there. Who are you handing the mic to? are you handing the mic to? are you handing the mic to? >> Hello. What's your name? >> Hello. What's your name? >> Hello. What's your name? >> Hello. My name is Tara from Boston. >> Hello. My name is Tara from Boston. >> Hello. My name is Tara from Boston. >> Tara, so nice to meet you. Thanks for >> Tara, so nice to meet you. Thanks for >> Tara, so nice to meet you. Thanks for being here. being here. being here. >> Thank you so much. You have been part of >> Thank you so much. You have been part of >> Thank you so much. You have been part of my life for many years. You have no my life for many years. You have no my life for many years. You have no idea. So, thank you. Um I have a idea. So, thank you. Um I have a idea. So, thank you. Um I have a question. It's for both of you. Um, question. It's for both of you. Um, question. It's for both of you. Um, how can you let go of guilt or how can you let go of guilt or how can you let go of guilt or compassion from those who have caused compassion from those who have caused compassion from those who have caused you the most pain? Feeling bad or like you the most pain? Feeling bad or like you the most pain? Feeling bad or like wanting to help the people that have wanting to help the people that have wanting to help the people that have hurt you? I'm going to be very honest hurt you? I'm going to be very honest hurt you? I'm going to be very honest because that's just who I am. I think a because that's just who I am. I think a because that's just who I am. I think a lot of my, you know, my my uh my family lot of my, you know, my my uh my family lot of my, you know, my my uh my family unfortunately has has hurt me in ways. unfortunately has has hurt me in ways. unfortunately has has hurt me in ways. So, I'm just trying to find as I get So, I'm just trying to find as I get So, I'm just trying to find as I get older, you know, how do I let go of that older, you know, how do I let go of that older, you know, how do I let go of that guilt? I want to give him compassion, guilt? I want to give him compassion, guilt? I want to give him compassion, but then I'm like, gh. but then I'm like, gh. but then I'm like, gh. >> Well, I I think you have to ask >> Well, I I think you have to ask >> Well, I I think you have to ask yourself, how is the way that you're yourself, how is the way that you're yourself, how is the way that you're doing it now doing it now doing it now helping you? Is it working? >> I have I don't know. I don't I don't >> I have I don't know. I don't I don't really know. Um, really know. Um, really know. Um, >> this is the only thing that has helped >> this is the only thing that has helped >> this is the only thing that has helped me and I relate to the question and I me and I relate to the question and I me and I relate to the question and I don't know anything about your don't know anything about your don't know anything about your background so I don't want to presume background so I don't want to presume background so I don't want to presume like anything but you are not like anything but you are not like anything but you are not responsible responsible responsible for what was done to you but you are for what was done to you but you are for what was done to you but you are responsible responsible responsible for what you do next. for what you do next. for what you do next. And I choose And I choose And I choose to believe that human beings to believe that human beings to believe that human beings basically families well first of all you basically families well first of all you basically families well first of all you know families teach you how to love know families teach you how to love know families teach you how to love people you hate that's why they have people you hate that's why they have people you hate that's why they have families. families. families. Second you know we've had expert after Second you know we've had expert after Second you know we've had expert after expert both Jay and I come on and expert both Jay and I come on and expert both Jay and I come on and ironically we dropped an episode today ironically we dropped an episode today ironically we dropped an episode today about emotionally immature parents. about emotionally immature parents. about emotionally immature parents. People can only give you what they have People can only give you what they have People can only give you what they have to give. This does not excuse abuse. to give. This does not excuse abuse. to give. This does not excuse abuse. This does not mean that you didn't This does not mean that you didn't This does not mean that you didn't deserve to have family or past deserve to have family or past deserve to have family or past experiences where you felt seen and experiences where you felt seen and experiences where you felt seen and taken care of and loved for who you are taken care of and loved for who you are taken care of and loved for who you are and supported. But for me, really being and supported. But for me, really being and supported. But for me, really being able to separate myself from the hurt able to separate myself from the hurt able to separate myself from the hurt that was caused and look through it with that was caused and look through it with that was caused and look through it with steely cold eyes and basically go, you steely cold eyes and basically go, you steely cold eyes and basically go, you know, if it wasn't given to your know, if it wasn't given to your know, if it wasn't given to your parents, they can't give it to you. parents, they can't give it to you. parents, they can't give it to you. And I have chosen to stop punishing And I have chosen to stop punishing And I have chosen to stop punishing people who did the best that they could people who did the best that they could people who did the best that they could with the situation they were in, the with the situation they were in, the with the situation they were in, the trauma that they had, their own life trauma that they had, their own life trauma that they had, their own life experiences. experiences. experiences. Because I don't like carrying around Because I don't like carrying around Because I don't like carrying around that judgment and hate. I don't like that judgment and hate. I don't like that judgment and hate. I don't like constantly living in the past. It is so constantly living in the past. It is so constantly living in the past. It is so much easier and freeing to basically much easier and freeing to basically much easier and freeing to basically look through the eyes of compassion and look through the eyes of compassion and look through the eyes of compassion and say, "I deserved more and I see fully say, "I deserved more and I see fully say, "I deserved more and I see fully you were not equipped to give me what I you were not equipped to give me what I you were not equipped to give me what I deserve." deserve." deserve." And as long as I hold judgment over what And as long as I hold judgment over what And as long as I hold judgment over what happened, happened, happened, I am still in the past. I am still I am still in the past. I am still I am still in the past. I am still suffering. You know, there was this suffering. You know, there was this suffering. You know, there was this analogy. I think it's TD Jake and Oprah analogy. I think it's TD Jake and Oprah analogy. I think it's TD Jake and Oprah Winfrey. And I believe the context is Winfrey. And I believe the context is Winfrey. And I believe the context is that he was counseling her about her that he was counseling her about her that he was counseling her about her relationship with her mother. And he relationship with her mother. And he relationship with her mother. And he basically said in life there are people basically said in life there are people basically said in life there are people who have a quarter cup capacity. That's who have a quarter cup capacity. That's who have a quarter cup capacity. That's what they got. They got a quarter cup of what they got. They got a quarter cup of what they got. They got a quarter cup of love and attention and patience to give. love and attention and patience to give. love and attention and patience to give. And then there are those of us, probably And then there are those of us, probably And then there are those of us, probably most of us in the room, that have a most of us in the room, that have a most of us in the room, that have a gallon need. If somebody only has a gallon need. If somebody only has a gallon need. If somebody only has a quarter cup to give you and they have quarter cup to give you and they have quarter cup to give you and they have poured all of that into a person who has poured all of that into a person who has poured all of that into a person who has a gallon need, we will not feel a gallon need, we will not feel a gallon need, we will not feel satiated, seen, or taken care of ever. satiated, seen, or taken care of ever. satiated, seen, or taken care of ever. There's this massive mismatch There's this massive mismatch There's this massive mismatch and no amount of judgment, no amount of and no amount of judgment, no amount of and no amount of judgment, no amount of anything is going to change the fact anything is going to change the fact anything is going to change the fact that they are who they are. this is what that they are who they are. this is what that they are who they are. this is what happened, but you get to choose what happened, but you get to choose what happened, but you get to choose what happens next. And for me, learning to happens next. And for me, learning to happens next. And for me, learning to say this person is who they are. Let say this person is who they are. Let say this person is who they are. Let them be who they are. Now, I get to them be who they are. Now, I get to them be who they are. Now, I get to choose how much time do I put into this? choose how much time do I put into this? choose how much time do I put into this? How much energy do I want to look and How much energy do I want to look and How much energy do I want to look and see and understand what they went see and understand what they went see and understand what they went through so that I feel more compassion? through so that I feel more compassion? through so that I feel more compassion? And it's not as personal as it feels. I And it's not as personal as it feels. I And it's not as personal as it feels. I I it's it's a it's a tricky thing to do I it's it's a it's a tricky thing to do I it's it's a it's a tricky thing to do and it's a lifelong process because and it's a lifelong process because and it's a lifelong process because they're going to continue to trigger the they're going to continue to trigger the they're going to continue to trigger the hell out of you because they are who hell out of you because they are who hell out of you because they are who they are. But you get to choose they are. But you get to choose they are. But you get to choose how much time and energy you put into how much time and energy you put into how much time and energy you put into it. You get to choose what kind of it. You get to choose what kind of it. You get to choose what kind of relationship you want to create or not relationship you want to create or not relationship you want to create or not with the people that hurt you in the with the people that hurt you in the with the people that hurt you in the past. And that's where your power is. Tara, I'll just say I love everything Tara, I'll just say I love everything Mel said and the only thing I'll add is Mel said and the only thing I'll add is Mel said and the only thing I'll add is if you want to feel compassion for if you want to feel compassion for if you want to feel compassion for anyone that hurt you, it starts with anyone that hurt you, it starts with anyone that hurt you, it starts with first being compassionate to yourself and allowing yourself and allowing yourself the opportunity to feel angry. the opportunity to feel angry. the opportunity to feel angry. to feel betrayed, to feel hurt. to feel betrayed, to feel hurt. to feel betrayed, to feel hurt. Then you'll rise to maybe wanting to Then you'll rise to maybe wanting to Then you'll rise to maybe wanting to feel distant, maybe not wanting to be feel distant, maybe not wanting to be feel distant, maybe not wanting to be involved. involved. involved. And then maybe one day you'll desire And then maybe one day you'll desire And then maybe one day you'll desire to feel compassionate truly in a deep to feel compassionate truly in a deep to feel compassionate truly in a deep way. Compassion's at the top of the way. Compassion's at the top of the way. Compassion's at the top of the ladder. It's not the first step. ladder. It's not the first step. ladder. It's not the first step. And when you want to feel it on day one, And when you want to feel it on day one, And when you want to feel it on day one, it almost stops you from taking the it almost stops you from taking the it almost stops you from taking the first step on the ladder. So if the first step on the ladder. So if the first step on the ladder. So if the first step on the ladder is anger, first step on the ladder is anger, first step on the ladder is anger, you're on the first step. And the fifth you're on the first step. And the fifth you're on the first step. And the fifth step is I don't want anything to do with step is I don't want anything to do with step is I don't want anything to do with them. And then the 10th step is them. And then the 10th step is them. And then the 10th step is I see why they treated me that way. I I see why they treated me that way. I I see why they treated me that way. I get it. get it. get it. >> And then you're free. >> And then you're free. >> And then you're free. >> Thanks, Tara. Thank you. >> Thanks, Tara. Thank you. >> Thanks, Tara. Thank you. All right, Taylor, All right, Taylor, All right, Taylor, who are you picking next? >> Hey, tell us your name. >> Hey, tell us your name. >> Hi, I'm Andrea Giananterry and I'm the >> Hi, I'm Andrea Giananterry and I'm the >> Hi, I'm Andrea Giananterry and I'm the co-founder of the whiny gyny and I want co-founder of the whiny gyny and I want co-founder of the whiny gyny and I want to understand how you took hobbies and to understand how you took hobbies and to understand how you took hobbies and turned them into businesses to drive turned them into businesses to drive turned them into businesses to drive your message forward. your message forward. your message forward. >> It's a great question. You want me to go >> It's a great question. You want me to go >> It's a great question. You want me to go first, Mo? first, Mo? first, Mo? >> Sure. because I want to know all your >> Sure. because I want to know all your >> Sure. because I want to know all your secrets so I can copy. >> The reason why I love that question is >> The reason why I love that question is because because because at least for me, I never believed this at least for me, I never believed this at least for me, I never believed this would ever be my livelihood. would ever be my livelihood. would ever be my livelihood. >> When I left the monastery and I knew I >> When I left the monastery and I knew I >> When I left the monastery and I knew I just wanted to spread the wisdom I'd just wanted to spread the wisdom I'd just wanted to spread the wisdom I'd learned, I was happy and satisfied doing learned, I was happy and satisfied doing learned, I was happy and satisfied doing it on evenings and weekends. So I would it on evenings and weekends. So I would it on evenings and weekends. So I would put together events of five to 10 put together events of five to 10 put together events of five to 10 people. If they'd show up in the heart people. If they'd show up in the heart people. If they'd show up in the heart of London and talk to five to 10 people, of London and talk to five to 10 people, of London and talk to five to 10 people, I'll do it for free. There was no social I'll do it for free. There was no social I'll do it for free. There was no social media. There was no video. Nothing was media. There was no video. Nothing was media. There was no video. Nothing was recorded. There was no content because I recorded. There was no content because I recorded. There was no content because I just got to do what I was passionate just got to do what I was passionate just got to do what I was passionate about. And when I started to do that about. And when I started to do that about. And when I started to do that with no pressure, by the way, when I did with no pressure, by the way, when I did with no pressure, by the way, when I did that, there was no pressure because I that, there was no pressure because I that, there was no pressure because I didn't need a thousand people in the didn't need a thousand people in the didn't need a thousand people in the audience. I didn't need a million views. audience. I didn't need a million views. audience. I didn't need a million views. I didn't need a 100,000 followers. I I didn't need a 100,000 followers. I I didn't need a 100,000 followers. I could just be present. I then felt to could just be present. I then felt to could just be present. I then felt to myself, well, I want to share this with myself, well, I want to share this with myself, well, I want to share this with more people. Maybe I should put a video more people. Maybe I should put a video more people. Maybe I should put a video out. Maybe that will reach more people. out. Maybe that will reach more people. out. Maybe that will reach more people. Again, that was the last thing I wanted Again, that was the last thing I wanted Again, that was the last thing I wanted to do at the time, but I'll tell you a to do at the time, but I'll tell you a to do at the time, but I'll tell you a bit about my story in the second half. bit about my story in the second half. bit about my story in the second half. And so, I put that out. And then what And so, I put that out. And then what And so, I put that out. And then what happened is I got to a point in my life happened is I got to a point in my life happened is I got to a point in my life where I had 200 million views on my where I had 200 million views on my where I had 200 million views on my videos, but I was four months away from videos, but I was four months away from videos, but I was four months away from being broke. being broke. being broke. And I had this really interesting And I had this really interesting And I had this really interesting reflection. I thought, "Wait a minute. reflection. I thought, "Wait a minute. reflection. I thought, "Wait a minute. I'm trying to teach the world abundance I'm trying to teach the world abundance I'm trying to teach the world abundance and I'm trying to help the world live and I'm trying to help the world live and I'm trying to help the world live their purpose and their passion, their purpose and their passion, their purpose and their passion, but I don't know if I can even do this but I don't know if I can even do this but I don't know if I can even do this for longer than the next 3 months for longer than the next 3 months for longer than the next 3 months because I can't even put food on the because I can't even put food on the because I can't even put food on the table through it. table through it. table through it. >> CJ, >> CJ, >> CJ, it's not courage at all, is it it's not courage at all, is it it's not courage at all, is it everybody? He's got a problem. everybody? He's got a problem. everybody? He's got a problem. >> He's got a problem to solve. And so I >> He's got a problem to solve. And so I >> He's got a problem to solve. And so I realized what I had to do first of all, realized what I had to do first of all, realized what I had to do first of all, but the reason is when you start with but the reason is when you start with but the reason is when you start with thinking you want to build a business, thinking you want to build a business, thinking you want to build a business, it's really hard because that's what you it's really hard because that's what you it's really hard because that's what you don't get to fail. You don't get to try, don't get to fail. You don't get to try, don't get to fail. You don't get to try, you don't get to choose, you don't get you don't get to choose, you don't get you don't get to choose, you don't get to play because there's too much to play because there's too much to play because there's too much pressure. Then when the pressure piles pressure. Then when the pressure piles pressure. Then when the pressure piles up and you think about it, you look at up and you think about it, you look at up and you think about it, you look at the first thing for me was how can I the first thing for me was how can I the first thing for me was how can I serve people best and what are they serve people best and what are they serve people best and what are they truly looking for from me, right? How do truly looking for from me, right? How do truly looking for from me, right? How do I serve people best? What's the impact I serve people best? What's the impact I serve people best? What's the impact that I can have? that's the greatest and that I can have? that's the greatest and that I can have? that's the greatest and what do they truly want from me that's what do they truly want from me that's what do they truly want from me that's different and that's how we started the different and that's how we started the different and that's how we started the genius community which was my membership genius community which was my membership genius community which was my membership app that we launched seven years ago now app that we launched seven years ago now app that we launched seven years ago now and it became the pillar because what and it became the pillar because what and it became the pillar because what people wanted they were watching these people wanted they were watching these people wanted they were watching these videos but they were like JJ we want videos but they were like JJ we want videos but they were like JJ we want weekly access to you we want to hear weekly access to you we want to hear weekly access to you we want to hear your ideas we want to hear your insights your ideas we want to hear your insights your ideas we want to hear your insights we want to almost feel like we're we want to almost feel like we're we want to almost feel like we're getting a workshop from you every single getting a workshop from you every single getting a workshop from you every single week and so for seven years every single week and so for seven years every single week and so for seven years every single week I gave a private workshop to a week I gave a private workshop to a week I gave a private workshop to a group of people who subscribed to group of people who subscribed to group of people who subscribed to Genius. That's how it started for me. Genius. That's how it started for me. Genius. That's how it started for me. And so what I'm saying to you is it And so what I'm saying to you is it And so what I'm saying to you is it starts as a passion. It starts as a starts as a passion. It starts as a starts as a passion. It starts as a hobby. And then you figure out what you hobby. And then you figure out what you hobby. And then you figure out what you can do for people that they truly want can do for people that they truly want can do for people that they truly want from you and that you can serve them from you and that you can serve them from you and that you can serve them differently with. And then you build differently with. And then you build differently with. And then you build around that. You don't just go, "Oh, I'm around that. You don't just go, "Oh, I'm around that. You don't just go, "Oh, I'm going to try and build this random thing going to try and build this random thing going to try and build this random thing and I think this is what people want and and I think this is what people want and and I think this is what people want and this." Because what ends up happening is this." Because what ends up happening is this." Because what ends up happening is you waste time, money, and energy. you you waste time, money, and energy. you you waste time, money, and energy. you you take a moment, take a beat to listen you take a moment, take a beat to listen you take a moment, take a beat to listen to the people you're serving and ask to the people you're serving and ask to the people you're serving and ask them, speak to them, connect with them. them, speak to them, connect with them. them, speak to them, connect with them. I always say to people, if you got a 100 I always say to people, if you got a 100 I always say to people, if you got a 100 followers, they can share so much with followers, they can share so much with followers, they can share so much with you about why they love you and why they you about why they love you and why they you about why they love you and why they follow you. You don't need to wait, like follow you. You don't need to wait, like follow you. You don't need to wait, like Mel was saying earlier, you don't need Mel was saying earlier, you don't need Mel was saying earlier, you don't need to wait till you have a million to wait till you have a million to wait till you have a million followers to launch a business. You followers to launch a business. You followers to launch a business. You could have a 100 followers that creates could have a 100 followers that creates could have a 100 followers that creates an amazing business for you because you an amazing business for you because you an amazing business for you because you deeply understand their need. You serve deeply understand their need. You serve deeply understand their need. You serve them and you take care of them. And I them and you take care of them. And I them and you take care of them. And I think the people that get to take care think the people that get to take care think the people that get to take care of millions of people who started off as of millions of people who started off as of millions of people who started off as people who took care of five and that's people who took care of five and that's people who took care of five and that's where it all begins. And so take care of where it all begins. And so take care of where it all begins. And so take care of whoever's there connecting and whoever's there connecting and whoever's there connecting and resonating right now resonating right now resonating right now and let it flow. I would add one other and let it flow. I would add one other and let it flow. I would add one other thing cuz it sounds like you kind of thing cuz it sounds like you kind of thing cuz it sounds like you kind of know what you want to do. So I think the know what you want to do. So I think the know what you want to do. So I think the mistake that everybody makes especially mistake that everybody makes especially mistake that everybody makes especially in today's world because we live in the in today's world because we live in the in today's world because we live in the most amazing time you guys. You can most amazing time you guys. You can most amazing time you guys. You can legally stalk people. legally stalk people. legally stalk people. There is somebody doing this business There is somebody doing this business There is somebody doing this business somewhere and they have shared the somewhere and they have shared the somewhere and they have shared the formula. formula. formula. Spend a year being a student of it. You Spend a year being a student of it. You Spend a year being a student of it. You better believe a year before I started better believe a year before I started better believe a year before I started this podcast, I was all up in Jay's this podcast, I was all up in Jay's this podcast, I was all up in Jay's grill. I was watching everything this grill. I was watching everything this grill. I was watching everything this man was doing. That's why I'm like two man was doing. That's why I'm like two man was doing. That's why I'm like two episodes a week. Jay's doing two episodes a week. Jay's doing two episodes a week. Jay's doing two episodes a week. I'm doing like all the episodes a week. I'm doing like all the episodes a week. I'm doing like all the people that are at the top. They're people that are at the top. They're people that are at the top. They're doing a daily episode. They're doing two doing a daily episode. They're doing two doing a daily episode. They're doing two ep. The formula is there and now there's ep. The formula is there and now there's ep. The formula is there and now there's going to be a problem. So give yourself going to be a problem. So give yourself going to be a problem. So give yourself a year to be a student of what you want a year to be a student of what you want a year to be a student of what you want to be a master of. Search for formulas. to be a master of. Search for formulas. to be a master of. Search for formulas. What are people doing that are What are people doing that are What are people doing that are succeeding? Jay's right. Listen to the succeeding? Jay's right. Listen to the succeeding? Jay's right. Listen to the people that are there and what's people that are there and what's people that are there and what's missing. And here's going to be the missing. And here's going to be the missing. And here's going to be the problem. You're going to literally be problem. You're going to literally be problem. You're going to literally be like, "Well, then I'm copying Jay. Then like, "Well, then I'm copying Jay. Then like, "Well, then I'm copying Jay. Then I'm doing it like them." Dude, you're I'm doing it like them." Dude, you're I'm doing it like them." Dude, you're going to make it your own because you're going to make it your own because you're going to make it your own because you're your own person. your own person. your own person. >> But everybody in the history of time >> But everybody in the history of time >> But everybody in the history of time basically kind of does the same thing. basically kind of does the same thing. basically kind of does the same thing. There are no new ideas for crying out There are no new ideas for crying out There are no new ideas for crying out loud. And so you're literally going to loud. And so you're literally going to loud. And so you're literally going to go, "But they're doing it this way, and go, "But they're doing it this way, and go, "But they're doing it this way, and I got to make it my way, and it's got to I got to make it my way, and it's got to I got to make it my way, and it's got to be special, and it's got to have a logo, be special, and it's got to have a logo, be special, and it's got to have a logo, and it's got to do all this." And so and it's got to do all this." And so and it's got to do all this." And so then, you're going to avoid doing what then, you're going to avoid doing what then, you're going to avoid doing what are called the reps, the boring, are called the reps, the boring, are called the reps, the boring, tedious, annoying things that successful tedious, annoying things that successful tedious, annoying things that successful people do in the dark that gets you no people do in the dark that gets you no people do in the dark that gets you no credit and no money, but that actually credit and no money, but that actually credit and no money, but that actually builds the business. And so, if you want builds the business. And so, if you want builds the business. And so, if you want to turn a hobby into a business, be a to turn a hobby into a business, be a to turn a hobby into a business, be a student first. search for the formulas. student first. search for the formulas. student first. search for the formulas. Then take another year to actually show Then take another year to actually show Then take another year to actually show up every day and put your money where up every day and put your money where up every day and put your money where your mouth is. And do it broke and do it your mouth is. And do it broke and do it your mouth is. And do it broke and do it in the dark while nobody cares and is in the dark while nobody cares and is in the dark while nobody cares and is paying attention. And then pay attention paying attention. And then pay attention paying attention. And then pay attention to the 10 people that have shown up to the 10 people that have shown up to the 10 people that have shown up because they're your people. And if you because they're your people. And if you because they're your people. And if you do that within two years, you will be do that within two years, you will be do that within two years, you will be shocked at what you can create. Shocked. shocked at what you can create. Shocked. shocked at what you can create. Shocked. >> I love it. Oh my gosh. Everyone, I want you to know Oh my gosh. Everyone, I want you to know we have got a whole second half in store we have got a whole second half in store we have got a whole second half in store for you. I'm going to be guiding you for you. I'm going to be guiding you for you. I'm going to be guiding you through some interactives. We got a through some interactives. We got a through some interactives. We got a meditation, but Mel has to jump on a meditation, but Mel has to jump on a meditation, but Mel has to jump on a flight. She's got a show in New York. flight. She's got a show in New York. flight. She's got a show in New York. So, I want you to give it up for my So, I want you to give it up for my So, I want you to give it up for my friend MEL ROBBINS. GET ON YOUR FEET. friend MEL ROBBINS. GET ON YOUR FEET. friend MEL ROBBINS. GET ON YOUR FEET. >> I love you guys. >> I love you guys. >> I love you guys. >> On your feet. >> On your feet. >> On your feet. >> Whoa. I'm knocking over, Jay. I >> Whoa. I'm knocking over, Jay. I >> Whoa. I'm knocking over, Jay. I love you. love you. love you. >> I love you. The best year. >> I love you. The best year. >> I love you. The best year. >> I love you guys. >> I love you guys. >> I love you guys. >> Give it up for everyone. Boston. >> Give it up for everyone. Boston. >> Give it up for everyone. Boston. >> Love it. You're the best. >> Love it. You're the best. >> Love it. You're the best. >> Don't go anywhere. The best part's >> Don't go anywhere. The best part's >> Don't go anywhere. The best part's coming next with Jay. All right. I love coming next with Jay. All right. I love coming next with Jay. All right. I love you. you. you. >> Best. >> Best. >> Best. >> Bye, guys. Love you all. Bye, guys. Bye. >> Bye, guys. Love you all. Bye, guys. Bye. >> Bye, guys. Love you all. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye, guys. I SAW YOU IN MY Bye. Bye. Bye, guys. I SAW YOU IN MY Bye. Bye. Bye, guys. I SAW YOU IN MY SHOW. I see you. Yes. Hi. SHOW. I see you. Yes. Hi. SHOW. I see you. Yes. Hi. >> Have the best break. I'll see you in a >> Have the best break. I'll see you in a >> Have the best break. I'll see you in a few moments back here to meditate, to few moments back here to meditate, to few moments back here to meditate, to grow, to change. Have a great sec. Have grow, to change. Have a great sec. Have grow, to change. Have a great sec. Have a great moment. I'll see you in the a great moment. I'll see you in the a great moment. I'll see you in the second half. Take care everyone. Thank second half. Take care everyone. Thank second half. Take care everyone. Thank you so much for listening to this you so much for listening to this you so much for listening to this conversation. If you enjoyed it, you'll conversation. If you enjoyed it, you'll conversation. If you enjoyed it, you'll love my chat with Adam Grant on why love my chat with Adam Grant on why love my chat with Adam Grant on why discomfort is the key to growth and the discomfort is the key to growth and the discomfort is the key to growth and the strategies for unlocking your hidden strategies for unlocking your hidden strategies for unlocking your hidden potential. If you know you want to be potential. If you know you want to be potential. If you know you want to be more and achieve more this year, go more and achieve more this year, go more and achieve more this year, go check it out right now. You set a goal check it out right now. You set a goal check it out right now. You set a goal today, you achieve it in 6 months, and today, you achieve it in 6 months, and today, you achieve it in 6 months, and then by the time it happens, it's almost then by the time it happens, it's almost then by the time it happens, it's almost a relief. There's no sense of meaning a relief. There's no sense of meaning a relief. There's no sense of meaning and purpose. You sort of expected it and and purpose. You sort of expected it and and purpose. You sort of expected it and you would have been disappointed if it you would have been disappointed if it you would have been disappointed if it didn't