LOVE EXPERT: The #1 Mistake Most People Make in Dating

The biggest lie that we've been sold in The biggest lie that we've been sold in love is this idea of the spark. We love is this idea of the spark. We love is this idea of the spark. We interpret it as chemistry when it's interpret it as chemistry when it's interpret it as chemistry when it's actually anxiety. actually anxiety. actually anxiety. Only 11% of people experience love at Only 11% of people experience love at Only 11% of people experience love at first sight. first sight. first sight. >> So, you don't believe in the one? >> So, you don't believe in the one? >> So, you don't believe in the one? >> I don't believe in the one. We've become >> I don't believe in the one. We've become >> I don't believe in the one. We've become so obsessed with finding the perfect so obsessed with finding the perfect so obsessed with finding the perfect person instead of building the perfect person instead of building the perfect person instead of building the perfect relationship. relationship. relationship. >> Hey everyone, welcome back to OnPurpose, >> Hey everyone, welcome back to OnPurpose, >> Hey everyone, welcome back to OnPurpose, the place you come to become happier, the place you come to become happier, the place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed. This might healthier, and more healed. This might healthier, and more healed. This might be the most requested dating episode be the most requested dating episode be the most requested dating episode we've ever done because so many of you we've ever done because so many of you we've ever done because so many of you keep asking the same question. Why do I keep asking the same question. Why do I keep asking the same question. Why do I keep chasing the wrong person? Why can't keep chasing the wrong person? Why can't keep chasing the wrong person? Why can't I find the right person? Today, we're I find the right person? Today, we're I find the right person? Today, we're joined by best-selling author and Hinges joined by best-selling author and Hinges joined by best-selling author and Hinges director of relationship science, Logan director of relationship science, Logan director of relationship science, Logan Yuri. Logan challenges one of dating's Yuri. Logan challenges one of dating's Yuri. Logan challenges one of dating's biggest myths. What does the spark biggest myths. What does the spark biggest myths. What does the spark really mean? And is it actually leading really mean? And is it actually leading really mean? And is it actually leading you in the wrong direction? If you're you in the wrong direction? If you're you in the wrong direction? If you're tired of confusing chemistry with tired of confusing chemistry with tired of confusing chemistry with compatibility, I don't want you to miss compatibility, I don't want you to miss compatibility, I don't want you to miss this episode. Please welcome to this episode. Please welcome to this episode. Please welcome to OnPurpose, Logan Yuri. Logan Yuri, OnPurpose, Logan Yuri. Logan Yuri, OnPurpose, Logan Yuri. Logan Yuri, welcome to OnPurpose. Thank you for welcome to OnPurpose. Thank you for welcome to OnPurpose. Thank you for being here. being here. being here. >> Yay. I'm so happy to be here. >> Yay. I'm so happy to be here. >> Yay. I'm so happy to be here. >> It's so great to have you. I've been >> It's so great to have you. I've been >> It's so great to have you. I've been wanting to have you in this seat for so wanting to have you in this seat for so wanting to have you in this seat for so long. You've been such a requested guest long. You've been such a requested guest long. You've been such a requested guest for us. for us. for us. >> Thank you. I'm so excited for this >> Thank you. I'm so excited for this >> Thank you. I'm so excited for this conversation. conversation. conversation. >> So, I want to dive right in. >> So, I want to dive right in. >> So, I want to dive right in. >> Let's do it. >> Let's do it. >> Let's do it. >> My first question is, what is the >> My first question is, what is the >> My first question is, what is the biggest mistake that people are making biggest mistake that people are making biggest mistake that people are making in dating right now? One of the biggest in dating right now? One of the biggest in dating right now? One of the biggest mistakes I see people making is really mistakes I see people making is really mistakes I see people making is really having unrealistic expectations around having unrealistic expectations around having unrealistic expectations around relationships, around dating, around relationships, around dating, around relationships, around dating, around their partner, and around themselves. their partner, and around themselves. their partner, and around themselves. And so through my coaching, I've And so through my coaching, I've And so through my coaching, I've categorized this into a framework that I categorized this into a framework that I categorized this into a framework that I call the three dating tendencies. And I call the three dating tendencies. And I call the three dating tendencies. And I know you took the quiz on this. So I'm know you took the quiz on this. So I'm know you took the quiz on this. So I'm excited to see your results of the quiz. excited to see your results of the quiz. excited to see your results of the quiz. But just to walk you through it. So the But just to walk you through it. So the But just to walk you through it. So the first type is the romanticizer. And the first type is the romanticizer. And the first type is the romanticizer. And the romanticizer, I think a lot of people romanticizer, I think a lot of people romanticizer, I think a lot of people out there will relate to this. They are out there will relate to this. They are out there will relate to this. They are worried about finding their soulmate and worried about finding their soulmate and worried about finding their soulmate and they believe there's one person out they believe there's one person out they believe there's one person out there for everyone and I'll know it when there for everyone and I'll know it when there for everyone and I'll know it when I see it. And so this person is very, I see it. And so this person is very, I see it. And so this person is very, very focused on the we met and their very focused on the we met and their very focused on the we met and their partner looking the way they expect. And partner looking the way they expect. And partner looking the way they expect. And the second type is the maximizer. And the second type is the maximizer. And the second type is the maximizer. And the maximizer has unrealistic the maximizer has unrealistic the maximizer has unrealistic expectations of their partner. And so expectations of their partner. And so expectations of their partner. And so you know you're a maximizer if you say you know you're a maximizer if you say you know you're a maximizer if you say things like I just want to keep things like I just want to keep things like I just want to keep searching or I found someone great but I searching or I found someone great but I searching or I found someone great but I want to find someone even better. And want to find someone even better. And want to find someone even better. And this is the person who's never this is the person who's never this is the person who's never satisfied. They always wonder what else satisfied. They always wonder what else satisfied. They always wonder what else is out there. The sort of the grass is is out there. The sort of the grass is is out there. The sort of the grass is greener person. And the third type is greener person. And the third type is greener person. And the third type is the hesitator. And the hesitator has the hesitator. And the hesitator has the hesitator. And the hesitator has unrealistic expectations of themselves. unrealistic expectations of themselves. unrealistic expectations of themselves. And so the hesitator says things like And so the hesitator says things like And so the hesitator says things like I'll be ready to date when when I lose 5 I'll be ready to date when when I lose 5 I'll be ready to date when when I lose 5 lbs when I get a better job when I lbs when I get a better job when I lbs when I get a better job when I finally clean up my apartment. And so finally clean up my apartment. And so finally clean up my apartment. And so there's a sense within them that they're there's a sense within them that they're there's a sense within them that they're not datable and that they need to become not datable and that they need to become not datable and that they need to become a different person before they're going a different person before they're going a different person before they're going to put themselves out there because no to put themselves out there because no to put themselves out there because no one would fall for them with who they one would fall for them with who they one would fall for them with who they are right now. are right now. are right now. >> So you don't believe in the one? >> So you don't believe in the one? >> So you don't believe in the one? >> I don't believe in the one. No, I feel >> I don't believe in the one. No, I feel >> I don't believe in the one. No, I feel like there's so many great people who like there's so many great people who like there's so many great people who you could make a life with and that it's you could make a life with and that it's you could make a life with and that it's really interesting because I think really interesting because I think really interesting because I think especially for the maximizer type, especially for the maximizer type, especially for the maximizer type, there's almost this premise of it's 95% there's almost this premise of it's 95% there's almost this premise of it's 95% who you choose and 5% the effort you put who you choose and 5% the effort you put who you choose and 5% the effort you put in. And I don't have exact numbers on in. And I don't have exact numbers on in. And I don't have exact numbers on this, but my framework would be more this, but my framework would be more this, but my framework would be more like it's 25% who you choose and 75% the like it's 25% who you choose and 75% the like it's 25% who you choose and 75% the effort you put in. And instead in our effort you put in. And instead in our effort you put in. And instead in our society, we become so obsessed with like society, we become so obsessed with like society, we become so obsessed with like finding the perfect person instead of finding the perfect person instead of finding the perfect person instead of building the perfect relationship. I building the perfect relationship. I building the perfect relationship. I actually love that approach and I find actually love that approach and I find actually love that approach and I find that so fascinating because we place so that so fascinating because we place so that so fascinating because we place so much emphasis not even on choosing the much emphasis not even on choosing the much emphasis not even on choosing the right person but finding the right right person but finding the right right person but finding the right person believing that they exist rather person believing that they exist rather person believing that they exist rather than thinking okay I've got to choose than thinking okay I've got to choose than thinking okay I've got to choose someone who hopefully I'll have a better someone who hopefully I'll have a better someone who hopefully I'll have a better chance with because they're choosing me chance with because they're choosing me chance with because they're choosing me too and we're going to work on it too and we're going to work on it too and we're going to work on it together and that work part being your together and that work part being your together and that work part being your emphasis feels like the right place to emphasis feels like the right place to emphasis feels like the right place to place the priority with your three I place the priority with your three I place the priority with your three I love the romanticizer the hesitator and love the romanticizer the hesitator and love the romanticizer the hesitator and the maximizer ultim Ultimately, are we the maximizer ultim Ultimately, are we the maximizer ultim Ultimately, are we trying to just improve? I saw your email trying to just improve? I saw your email trying to just improve? I saw your email that came through with my assessment, that came through with my assessment, that came through with my assessment, which I thought was great, and it gave which I thought was great, and it gave which I thought was great, and it gave me really actionable tips to say, here's me really actionable tips to say, here's me really actionable tips to say, here's how to stop being X. Here's how to how to stop being X. Here's how to how to stop being X. Here's how to improve this area of your life. What are improve this area of your life. What are improve this area of your life. What are we trying to get to? Cuz we're we trying to get to? Cuz we're we trying to get to? Cuz we're ultimately one of these three. What are ultimately one of these three. What are ultimately one of these three. What are we trying to be? we trying to be? we trying to be? >> Yeah, that's a great great question. So, >> Yeah, that's a great great question. So, >> Yeah, that's a great great question. So, the point of the three dating tendencies the point of the three dating tendencies the point of the three dating tendencies is to understand that you probably have is to understand that you probably have is to understand that you probably have dating blind spots. So, these are dating blind spots. So, these are dating blind spots. So, these are patterns of behavior or ways of thinking patterns of behavior or ways of thinking patterns of behavior or ways of thinking that are holding you back from finding that are holding you back from finding that are holding you back from finding love, but that you can't identify on love, but that you can't identify on love, but that you can't identify on your own. And in my coaching, and I'm your own. And in my coaching, and I'm your own. And in my coaching, and I'm sure you felt this too, people often sure you felt this too, people often sure you felt this too, people often come in and they're like, "My biggest come in and they're like, "My biggest come in and they're like, "My biggest issue is what I look like, or my biggest issue is what I look like, or my biggest issue is what I look like, or my biggest issue is that I work too much." And issue is that I work too much." And issue is that I work too much." And almost 100% of the time, that's not what almost 100% of the time, that's not what almost 100% of the time, that's not what their biggest issue is. Because if they their biggest issue is. Because if they their biggest issue is. Because if they knew what their biggest issue was, they knew what their biggest issue was, they knew what their biggest issue was, they could fix it. But a lot of times, it's could fix it. But a lot of times, it's could fix it. But a lot of times, it's something else that they don't realize. something else that they don't realize. something else that they don't realize. And so the point of knowing your dating And so the point of knowing your dating And so the point of knowing your dating tendency is to say something like, tendency is to say something like, tendency is to say something like, "Okay, I'm a maximizer. I'm always "Okay, I'm a maximizer. I'm always "Okay, I'm a maximizer. I'm always looking for the next best thing. I'm looking for the next best thing. I'm looking for the next best thing. I'm actually going to switch and become what actually going to switch and become what actually going to switch and become what I call a satisficer, which I can get I call a satisficer, which I can get I call a satisficer, which I can get into and really understand that if I into and really understand that if I into and really understand that if I want to move to the next level, if I want to move to the next level, if I want to move to the next level, if I want to go from the guy who dates want to go from the guy who dates want to go from the guy who dates someone for 3 months and then always someone for 3 months and then always someone for 3 months and then always tries to trade up, but I really want to tries to trade up, but I really want to tries to trade up, but I really want to get married and have kids, I have to get married and have kids, I have to get married and have kids, I have to overcome this tendency in order to move overcome this tendency in order to move overcome this tendency in order to move to the next stage, or else I'll keep to the next stage, or else I'll keep to the next stage, or else I'll keep repeating this for years to come. Yeah, repeating this for years to come. Yeah, repeating this for years to come. Yeah, that's fascinating that we're not aware that's fascinating that we're not aware that's fascinating that we're not aware of the thing that's blocking us and of the thing that's blocking us and of the thing that's blocking us and usually it's some distraction that we've usually it's some distraction that we've usually it's some distraction that we've imagined up and said, "Oh, it's because imagined up and said, "Oh, it's because imagined up and said, "Oh, it's because I'm never available." And and what I'm never available." And and what I'm never available." And and what you're saying is this actually helps us you're saying is this actually helps us you're saying is this actually helps us get to the root of where it comes from get to the root of where it comes from get to the root of where it comes from and why it exists in the first place. and why it exists in the first place. and why it exists in the first place. >> Yeah. And so my background is in >> Yeah. And so my background is in >> Yeah. And so my background is in behavioral science, which is the study behavioral science, which is the study behavioral science, which is the study of how people make decisions. And this of how people make decisions. And this of how people make decisions. And this is just what fascinates me about the is just what fascinates me about the is just what fascinates me about the world is so often we're not making world is so often we're not making world is so often we're not making decisions in a conscious way. We are decisions in a conscious way. We are decisions in a conscious way. We are really following these invisible really following these invisible really following these invisible scripts. And so the point of my work and scripts. And so the point of my work and scripts. And so the point of my work and of the three dating tendencies is to say of the three dating tendencies is to say of the three dating tendencies is to say let's make the invisible visible and let's make the invisible visible and let's make the invisible visible and then we can identify the problem, make a then we can identify the problem, make a then we can identify the problem, make a plan, and then you can show up plan, and then you can show up plan, and then you can show up differently and get different results. differently and get different results. differently and get different results. >> Yeah, absolutely. I'll share my results >> Yeah, absolutely. I'll share my results >> Yeah, absolutely. I'll share my results in a second. I want to ask you a couple in a second. I want to ask you a couple in a second. I want to ask you a couple more things about that before we get more things about that before we get more things about that before we get there. Because you worked in data, I there. Because you worked in data, I there. Because you worked in data, I wanted to ask you what data point have wanted to ask you what data point have wanted to ask you what data point have you come across? I feel like there's so you come across? I feel like there's so you come across? I feel like there's so much great research now about love and much great research now about love and much great research now about love and dating and matching. It's better than dating and matching. It's better than dating and matching. It's better than it's ever been before. We have more it's ever been before. We have more it's ever been before. We have more access. I want to share a few stats with access. I want to share a few stats with access. I want to share a few stats with you in a second, but what would you say you in a second, but what would you say you in a second, but what would you say has been the thing that has shocked you has been the thing that has shocked you has been the thing that has shocked you the most? The data point that you saw the most? The data point that you saw the most? The data point that you saw and you went, I cannot believe that's and you went, I cannot believe that's and you went, I cannot believe that's true. One data point that shocked me true. One data point that shocked me true. One data point that shocked me recently and actually made me happy is I recently and actually made me happy is I recently and actually made me happy is I saw through some research that we did at saw through some research that we did at saw through some research that we did at Hinge that well, I'll start by saying I Hinge that well, I'll start by saying I Hinge that well, I'll start by saying I think people think that Jenz is really think people think that Jenz is really think people think that Jenz is really nihilistic. They love dark humor. nihilistic. They love dark humor. nihilistic. They love dark humor. They're really pragmatic. And so I would They're really pragmatic. And so I would They're really pragmatic. And so I would have guessed that Jenzie was not have guessed that Jenzie was not have guessed that Jenzie was not romantic at all. That they would just be romantic at all. That they would just be romantic at all. That they would just be like, "Okay, like nothing else in the like, "Okay, like nothing else in the like, "Okay, like nothing else in the world is working out. I was born into world is working out. I was born into world is working out. I was born into this really tough moment in history." this really tough moment in history." this really tough moment in history." And I would think that they wouldn't be And I would think that they wouldn't be And I would think that they wouldn't be romantic. But what we saw in our data at romantic. But what we saw in our data at romantic. But what we saw in our data at Hinge is that Jenzie is actually 30% Hinge is that Jenzie is actually 30% Hinge is that Jenzie is actually 30% more likely than millennials to believe more likely than millennials to believe more likely than millennials to believe in the idea of a soulmate. And they're in the idea of a soulmate. And they're in the idea of a soulmate. And they're 39% more likely than millennials to 39% more likely than millennials to 39% more likely than millennials to identify as someone who's romantic or identify as someone who's romantic or identify as someone who's romantic or idealistic about romance. And so I think idealistic about romance. And so I think idealistic about romance. And so I think that we should not cut this generation that we should not cut this generation that we should not cut this generation short and think, "Oh, they're not short and think, "Oh, they're not short and think, "Oh, they're not interested in romance." They really are. interested in romance." They really are. interested in romance." They really are. They really are yearning for romance, They really are yearning for romance, They really are yearning for romance, even to the point of, you know, even to the point of, you know, even to the point of, you know, believing in a soulmate when I said I believing in a soulmate when I said I believing in a soulmate when I said I don't. don't. don't. >> But there's so much holding them back. >> But there's so much holding them back. >> But there's so much holding them back. And I know we'll get into it in this And I know we'll get into it in this And I know we'll get into it in this conversation, but really this fear of conversation, but really this fear of conversation, but really this fear of rejection and fear of embarrassment, rejection and fear of embarrassment, rejection and fear of embarrassment, fear of cringe. And so this data point fear of cringe. And so this data point fear of cringe. And so this data point of Jenzie actually being quite romantic of Jenzie actually being quite romantic of Jenzie actually being quite romantic has really stuck out to me. has really stuck out to me. has really stuck out to me. >> Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting that like >> Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting that like >> Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting that like you said, even though you don't believe you said, even though you don't believe you said, even though you don't believe in a soulmate, the fact that this whole in a soulmate, the fact that this whole in a soulmate, the fact that this whole generation does or a lot of the generation does or a lot of the generation does or a lot of the generation does, it elites points to a generation does, it elites points to a generation does, it elites points to a belief in love and a value in love and belief in love and a value in love and belief in love and a value in love and we just need to figure out what that is. we just need to figure out what that is. we just need to figure out what that is. I wanted to ask you about a couple of I wanted to ask you about a couple of I wanted to ask you about a couple of statistics that I pulled out that statistics that I pulled out that statistics that I pulled out that >> blew my mind that I think these speak to >> blew my mind that I think these speak to >> blew my mind that I think these speak to what we're struggling with in the dating what we're struggling with in the dating what we're struggling with in the dating landscape right now and I wanted to landscape right now and I wanted to landscape right now and I wanted to share some. So, we'll go through one at share some. So, we'll go through one at share some. So, we'll go through one at a time and I'd love to get your reaction a time and I'd love to get your reaction a time and I'd love to get your reaction to it. This stat says 53% of singles to it. This stat says 53% of singles to it. This stat says 53% of singles reported dating burnout. And I think reported dating burnout. And I think reported dating burnout. And I think dating burnout is what we're seeing all dating burnout is what we're seeing all dating burnout is what we're seeing all across the board. When you see that, across the board. When you see that, across the board. When you see that, talk to me about the behavioral science. talk to me about the behavioral science. talk to me about the behavioral science. Talk to me about the reasoning why we're Talk to me about the reasoning why we're Talk to me about the reasoning why we're experiencing dating burnout. What is it? experiencing dating burnout. What is it? experiencing dating burnout. What is it? Because we're all thinking it might be Because we're all thinking it might be Because we're all thinking it might be the apps. It might be that there's no the apps. It might be that there's no the apps. It might be that there's no good people out there left anymore. All good people out there left anymore. All good people out there left anymore. All the great people are taken. What is the great people are taken. What is the great people are taken. What is actually happening? What are you seeing? actually happening? What are you seeing? actually happening? What are you seeing? >> When I hear that, I feel so sad. Like >> When I hear that, I feel so sad. Like >> When I hear that, I feel so sad. Like they can't remember the last time they they can't remember the last time they they can't remember the last time they went out on a date. I feel like we're went out on a date. I feel like we're went out on a date. I feel like we're just sort of missing the plot here. It's just sort of missing the plot here. It's just sort of missing the plot here. It's like part of being young is dating and like part of being young is dating and like part of being young is dating and meeting new people and figuring out who meeting new people and figuring out who meeting new people and figuring out who you are. And it's almost like dating has you are. And it's almost like dating has you are. And it's almost like dating has become a job and then people feel like become a job and then people feel like become a job and then people feel like they need to take a break from it. And they need to take a break from it. And they need to take a break from it. And so at Hinge, one of the biggest data so at Hinge, one of the biggest data so at Hinge, one of the biggest data points that we've seen around burnout is points that we've seen around burnout is points that we've seen around burnout is that something that causes it is lack of that something that causes it is lack of that something that causes it is lack of responsiveness. So I send you a message, responsiveness. So I send you a message, responsiveness. So I send you a message, we're going back and forth, and then you we're going back and forth, and then you we're going back and forth, and then you just stop responding. And then it makes just stop responding. And then it makes just stop responding. And then it makes me feel like, what did I do wrong? Why me feel like, what did I do wrong? Why me feel like, what did I do wrong? Why are you rejecting me? why doesn't anyone are you rejecting me? why doesn't anyone are you rejecting me? why doesn't anyone want to be with me? And I sort of spiral want to be with me? And I sort of spiral want to be with me? And I sort of spiral and after a while you just need to take and after a while you just need to take and after a while you just need to take a break from that feeling. And so part a break from that feeling. And so part a break from that feeling. And so part of it is just I think in dating culture of it is just I think in dating culture of it is just I think in dating culture right now we're really taking each other right now we're really taking each other right now we're really taking each other for granted and there's a sense of like for granted and there's a sense of like for granted and there's a sense of like if I disappoint you well there's someone if I disappoint you well there's someone if I disappoint you well there's someone else waiting for me. And also there's no else waiting for me. And also there's no else waiting for me. And also there's no context. Like if your sister-in-law context. Like if your sister-in-law context. Like if your sister-in-law introduced us then you would know that introduced us then you would know that introduced us then you would know that if you did something not so nice to me if you did something not so nice to me if you did something not so nice to me someone would be hearing about it. But I someone would be hearing about it. But I someone would be hearing about it. But I think we are lacking some of that think we are lacking some of that think we are lacking some of that context right now and we're just not context right now and we're just not context right now and we're just not treating each other with as much with as treating each other with as much with as treating each other with as much with as much integrity as we should be. much integrity as we should be. much integrity as we should be. >> Yeah. I think the accountability piece >> Yeah. I think the accountability piece >> Yeah. I think the accountability piece is huge. What you're just saying right is huge. What you're just saying right is huge. What you're just saying right now that if we introduced to a friend or now that if we introduced to a friend or now that if we introduced to a friend or a family member, you're going to have a family member, you're going to have a family member, you're going to have someone to answer to as to why it didn't someone to answer to as to why it didn't someone to answer to as to why it didn't work out. And but the challenge about work out. And but the challenge about work out. And but the challenge about that is as you said is you can't control that is as you said is you can't control that is as you said is you can't control that. Like you can't control someone that. Like you can't control someone that. Like you can't control someone being responsive. And so it becomes being responsive. And so it becomes being responsive. And so it becomes harder and harder to put yourself out harder and harder to put yourself out harder and harder to put yourself out there and feel like, "Oh, I thought we'd there and feel like, "Oh, I thought we'd there and feel like, "Oh, I thought we'd someone told me last week, oh, I'd someone told me last week, oh, I'd someone told me last week, oh, I'd scheduled a date. We've been talking for scheduled a date. We've been talking for scheduled a date. We've been talking for three days straight and then all of a three days straight and then all of a three days straight and then all of a sudden, even though we set a date and sudden, even though we set a date and sudden, even though we set a date and place and time, when I text to confirm, place and time, when I text to confirm, place and time, when I text to confirm, the person just ghosted me." And it's the person just ghosted me." And it's the person just ghosted me." And it's like, I have no idea what went wrong. like, I have no idea what went wrong. like, I have no idea what went wrong. And so there is there's a sense of And so there is there's a sense of And so there is there's a sense of wanting everyone to be more confident, wanting everyone to be more confident, wanting everyone to be more confident, but there's also a sense of like, how but there's also a sense of like, how but there's also a sense of like, how much can we take? much can we take? much can we take? >> I totally agree. And it's interesting >> I totally agree. And it's interesting >> I totally agree. And it's interesting because I'm married, you're married, because I'm married, you're married, because I'm married, you're married, I've been with my husband for a long I've been with my husband for a long I've been with my husband for a long time. We in a way are a bit removed from time. We in a way are a bit removed from time. We in a way are a bit removed from rejection, but I have a two-year-old and rejection, but I have a two-year-old and rejection, but I have a two-year-old and I was talking to different families I was talking to different families I was talking to different families about who we would do a nanny share about who we would do a nanny share about who we would do a nanny share with. And this woman basically wrote me with. And this woman basically wrote me with. And this woman basically wrote me like a breakup text essentially being like a breakup text essentially being like a breakup text essentially being like, "We don't want to move forward like, "We don't want to move forward like, "We don't want to move forward doing a nanny share with you." And I was doing a nanny share with you." And I was doing a nanny share with you." And I was hysterical. And I know that sounds hysterical. And I know that sounds hysterical. And I know that sounds crazy, but it was like the first time crazy, but it was like the first time crazy, but it was like the first time that I'd really felt that rejection in a that I'd really felt that rejection in a that I'd really felt that rejection in a while of someone like meeting you, while of someone like meeting you, while of someone like meeting you, getting to know you, and saying, "No, I getting to know you, and saying, "No, I getting to know you, and saying, "No, I don't want to quote unquote be with don't want to quote unquote be with don't want to quote unquote be with you." And I think sometimes married you." And I think sometimes married you." And I think sometimes married people forget how painful that rejection people forget how painful that rejection people forget how painful that rejection is. And so I just want to validate that is. And so I just want to validate that is. And so I just want to validate that feeling where yes, stating really is feeling where yes, stating really is feeling where yes, stating really is hard. You're putting yourself out there hard. You're putting yourself out there hard. You're putting yourself out there and you're saying this is who I am and and you're saying this is who I am and and you're saying this is who I am and then someone says yes or no, I want to then someone says yes or no, I want to then someone says yes or no, I want to be with you. be with you. be with you. >> Looking for love is almost like it's >> Looking for love is almost like it's >> Looking for love is almost like it's it's it's a bit harder than that because it's it's a bit harder than that because it's it's a bit harder than that because it involves two people and you feeling it involves two people and you feeling it involves two people and you feeling like I have to convince this other like I have to convince this other like I have to convince this other person that I'm worthy. I work with men person that I'm worthy. I work with men person that I'm worthy. I work with men and women, but a lot of the women are in and women, but a lot of the women are in and women, but a lot of the women are in their, let's say, mid30s to mid-4s, and their, let's say, mid30s to mid-4s, and their, let's say, mid30s to mid-4s, and they're kind of wondering like, did I they're kind of wondering like, did I they're kind of wondering like, did I miss the boat? And there's a sense of if miss the boat? And there's a sense of if miss the boat? And there's a sense of if I wanted to run a marathon, I know how I wanted to run a marathon, I know how I wanted to run a marathon, I know how to train for it. If I wanted to get a to train for it. If I wanted to get a to train for it. If I wanted to get a promotion, I could just put a lot of promotion, I could just put a lot of promotion, I could just put a lot of effort in. And that dating is this effort in. And that dating is this effort in. And that dating is this uniquely hard thing because you can't uniquely hard thing because you can't uniquely hard thing because you can't just put effort in and get results. just put effort in and get results. just put effort in and get results. Someone else has to choose you as well. Someone else has to choose you as well. Someone else has to choose you as well. I think that's one of the reasons it's I think that's one of the reasons it's I think that's one of the reasons it's uniquely challenging is because it's uniquely challenging is because it's uniquely challenging is because it's outside of your individual effort and outside of your individual effort and outside of your individual effort and control. control. control. >> Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And that's what >> Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And that's what >> Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. And that's what I was thinking that work-wise as well, I was thinking that work-wise as well, I was thinking that work-wise as well, there is a sense of I can put in more there is a sense of I can put in more there is a sense of I can put in more effort and I can not control the effort and I can not control the effort and I can not control the outcome, but I can impact it hopefully a outcome, but I can impact it hopefully a outcome, but I can impact it hopefully a bit more closely. bit more closely. bit more closely. >> And my husband and I talk about this all >> And my husband and I talk about this all >> And my husband and I talk about this all the time because work is very seductive. the time because work is very seductive. the time because work is very seductive. If I have more input, then I'll get more If I have more input, then I'll get more If I have more input, then I'll get more output. and you sort of know what the output. and you sort of know what the output. and you sort of know what the path is and you can kind of say like path is and you can kind of say like path is and you can kind of say like well if I crush work then I'll get this well if I crush work then I'll get this well if I crush work then I'll get this promotion then I'll make more money and promotion then I'll make more money and promotion then I'll make more money and like dating just isn't the same thing. like dating just isn't the same thing. like dating just isn't the same thing. There's not like a guaranteed reward if There's not like a guaranteed reward if There's not like a guaranteed reward if you put effort in. And so I do often say you put effort in. And so I do often say you put effort in. And so I do often say to people that I work with like don't to people that I work with like don't to people that I work with like don't fall for the seductiveness of work fall for the seductiveness of work fall for the seductiveness of work because yes um it's easily measurable because yes um it's easily measurable because yes um it's easily measurable and it can make you feel good when you and it can make you feel good when you and it can make you feel good when you get those promotions or that affirmation get those promotions or that affirmation get those promotions or that affirmation but also remember that you should put but also remember that you should put but also remember that you should put effort into love too. I don't really effort into love too. I don't really effort into love too. I don't really think it works when you're just like think it works when you're just like think it works when you're just like okay like I'm just going to spend my 20s okay like I'm just going to spend my 20s okay like I'm just going to spend my 20s on work and then in my 30s I'll start on work and then in my 30s I'll start on work and then in my 30s I'll start dating because you'll probably be dating because you'll probably be dating because you'll probably be behind. you haven't developed the skills behind. you haven't developed the skills behind. you haven't developed the skills that you need to really be a great that you need to really be a great that you need to really be a great dator. dator. dator. >> So, if effort's the catalyst in work, >> So, if effort's the catalyst in work, >> So, if effort's the catalyst in work, what's the catalyst in love? what's the catalyst in love? what's the catalyst in love? >> I do think you need a lot of effort in >> I do think you need a lot of effort in >> I do think you need a lot of effort in love. It's just that it's not as love. It's just that it's not as love. It's just that it's not as guaranteed. Like, I think in hustle guaranteed. Like, I think in hustle guaranteed. Like, I think in hustle culture, all of this work environment culture, all of this work environment culture, all of this work environment that you've been seeing, let's say, for that you've been seeing, let's say, for that you've been seeing, let's say, for the last 10 years, like productivity and the last 10 years, like productivity and the last 10 years, like productivity and work maxing and this and that. I think work maxing and this and that. I think work maxing and this and that. I think people just fall into it because it people just fall into it because it people just fall into it because it feels like you know what the result will feels like you know what the result will feels like you know what the result will be. So, it's more that it's less about be. So, it's more that it's less about be. So, it's more that it's less about work is effort and love isn't and it's work is effort and love isn't and it's work is effort and love isn't and it's more that work feels like some more that work feels like some more that work feels like some guaranteed results. And I remember about guaranteed results. And I remember about guaranteed results. And I remember about a year ago, I was working on a project a year ago, I was working on a project a year ago, I was working on a project and I was talking to single daters in and I was talking to single daters in and I was talking to single daters in their mid20s. I talked to this guy, like their mid20s. I talked to this guy, like their mid20s. I talked to this guy, like super handsome, fun guy, like definitely super handsome, fun guy, like definitely super handsome, fun guy, like definitely the type of person I would have been the type of person I would have been the type of person I would have been drawn to when I was in my 20s. And he drawn to when I was in my 20s. And he drawn to when I was in my 20s. And he was like, "Yeah, why would I go on a was like, "Yeah, why would I go on a was like, "Yeah, why would I go on a date that could potentially go nowhere date that could potentially go nowhere date that could potentially go nowhere when I could just be at home and edit a when I could just be at home and edit a when I could just be at home and edit a YouTube video?" And I was like, "What?" YouTube video?" And I was like, "What?" YouTube video?" And I was like, "What?" like it blew my mind. Like I was just I like it blew my mind. Like I was just I like it blew my mind. Like I was just I just didn't understand. And he was like, just didn't understand. And he was like, just didn't understand. And he was like, "Well, if I edit the YouTube video, like "Well, if I edit the YouTube video, like "Well, if I edit the YouTube video, like I know I'll get this many views and I'll I know I'll get this many views and I'll I know I'll get this many views and I'll improve in this way, whereas the date improve in this way, whereas the date improve in this way, whereas the date has no guarantee." I think that's sort has no guarantee." I think that's sort has no guarantee." I think that's sort of one of the things that I'm seeing of one of the things that I'm seeing of one of the things that I'm seeing right now is that people are struggling right now is that people are struggling right now is that people are struggling with dating because it is a lot of with dating because it is a lot of with dating because it is a lot of unknown whereas work seems like more of unknown whereas work seems like more of unknown whereas work seems like more of a known quantity. a known quantity. a known quantity. >> I completely agree with you. How do we >> I completely agree with you. How do we >> I completely agree with you. How do we then train the human mind to be okay then train the human mind to be okay then train the human mind to be okay with investing in an area that has very with investing in an area that has very with investing in an area that has very little chance of return, but if you little chance of return, but if you little chance of return, but if you found the return, it's like striking found the return, it's like striking found the return, it's like striking gold and life-changing. How do you gold and life-changing. How do you gold and life-changing. How do you discipline yourself to put in effort in discipline yourself to put in effort in discipline yourself to put in effort in an area which as you're saying is an area which as you're saying is an area which as you're saying is uncertain? uncertain? uncertain? >> I'm glad we're talking about this cuz >> I'm glad we're talking about this cuz >> I'm glad we're talking about this cuz this is definitely the thing that I've this is definitely the thing that I've this is definitely the thing that I've been obsessed with lately. So, from a been obsessed with lately. So, from a been obsessed with lately. So, from a coaching perspective, step one is just coaching perspective, step one is just coaching perspective, step one is just to be really, really clear on your goal. to be really, really clear on your goal. to be really, really clear on your goal. And that's why I was so happy to see And that's why I was so happy to see And that's why I was so happy to see that despite what I might have thought, that despite what I might have thought, that despite what I might have thought, Jenzie really is romantic and excited Jenzie really is romantic and excited Jenzie really is romantic and excited about finding someone. And so I think about finding someone. And so I think about finding someone. And so I think you have to be clear on your goal in you have to be clear on your goal in you have to be clear on your goal in order to overcome a bunch of hurdles and order to overcome a bunch of hurdles and order to overcome a bunch of hurdles and discomfort to get there. And the second discomfort to get there. And the second discomfort to get there. And the second thing is what we're calling shalant thing is what we're calling shalant thing is what we're calling shalant dating. So everyone knows what dating. So everyone knows what dating. So everyone knows what nonchalant means. It means you act nonchalant means. It means you act nonchalant means. It means you act detached. You pretend that you don't detached. You pretend that you don't detached. You pretend that you don't care. And it's really this battle of who care. And it's really this battle of who care. And it's really this battle of who can care less. And I feel like dating can care less. And I feel like dating can care less. And I feel like dating has been in this area for a while now. has been in this area for a while now. has been in this area for a while now. Let's say like at least a decade. And I Let's say like at least a decade. And I Let's say like at least a decade. And I just hear this all the time. Oh, he just hear this all the time. Oh, he just hear this all the time. Oh, he waited 5 hours to text me back, so I'm waited 5 hours to text me back, so I'm waited 5 hours to text me back, so I'm going to wait 6 hours. And when I dug going to wait 6 hours. And when I dug going to wait 6 hours. And when I dug into why this is happening, I feel like into why this is happening, I feel like into why this is happening, I feel like a lot of it is because of this a lot of it is because of this a lot of it is because of this surveillance culture that we have now surveillance culture that we have now surveillance culture that we have now where it used to be that if you sent where it used to be that if you sent where it used to be that if you sent someone a text message and it was a someone a text message and it was a someone a text message and it was a little embarrassing or, you know, didn't little embarrassing or, you know, didn't little embarrassing or, you know, didn't quite hit the mark, like it disappeared. quite hit the mark, like it disappeared. quite hit the mark, like it disappeared. but now it gets screenshotted and sent but now it gets screenshotted and sent but now it gets screenshotted and sent to the group chat or worse it makes it to the group chat or worse it makes it to the group chat or worse it makes it onto Instagram or Tik Tok or someone's onto Instagram or Tik Tok or someone's onto Instagram or Tik Tok or someone's doing a story time about it. And so I doing a story time about it. And so I doing a story time about it. And so I feel like we just live in a society feel like we just live in a society feel like we just live in a society where it's a lot harder to fail because where it's a lot harder to fail because where it's a lot harder to fail because if you fail it feels like it's forever if you fail it feels like it's forever if you fail it feels like it's forever and it's shared with the world. And so and it's shared with the world. And so and it's shared with the world. And so what I'm seeing is that a generation what I'm seeing is that a generation what I'm seeing is that a generation that is afraid to embarrass themselves that is afraid to embarrass themselves that is afraid to embarrass themselves for them it's like the worst thing you for them it's like the worst thing you for them it's like the worst thing you can be is sincere. The worst thing you can be is sincere. The worst thing you can be is sincere. The worst thing you can do is be cringe. And the truth is can do is be cringe. And the truth is can do is be cringe. And the truth is that most things in life worth having, that most things in life worth having, that most things in life worth having, you have to take a risk for. I'm sure you have to take a risk for. I'm sure you have to take a risk for. I'm sure that you don't have this job because you that you don't have this job because you that you don't have this job because you just sat back and said, "Okay, well, if just sat back and said, "Okay, well, if just sat back and said, "Okay, well, if a recruiter reaches out to me, I'll take a recruiter reaches out to me, I'll take a recruiter reaches out to me, I'll take that job." It's like you literally that job." It's like you literally that job." It's like you literally created your dream job and your dream created your dream job and your dream created your dream job and your dream life by taking risks. And I have found life by taking risks. And I have found life by taking risks. And I have found with Gen Z that there's just such a fear with Gen Z that there's just such a fear with Gen Z that there's just such a fear of taking risks. And we're finding this of taking risks. And we're finding this of taking risks. And we're finding this in the Hinge data as well. And so, Gen Z in the Hinge data as well. And so, Gen Z in the Hinge data as well. And so, Gen Z is much less likely than millennials to is much less likely than millennials to is much less likely than millennials to be willing to have a deep conversation be willing to have a deep conversation be willing to have a deep conversation on the first date. They're much more on the first date. They're much more on the first date. They're much more likely to say that they have a fear of likely to say that they have a fear of likely to say that they have a fear of being too much. And so, you have this being too much. And so, you have this being too much. And so, you have this generation that's afraid of rejection, generation that's afraid of rejection, generation that's afraid of rejection, afraid of trying, afraid of effort. And afraid of trying, afraid of effort. And afraid of trying, afraid of effort. And then, miraculously, this term came then, miraculously, this term came then, miraculously, this term came around, shalot dating, where people are around, shalot dating, where people are around, shalot dating, where people are like, you know what? I'm tired of that. like, you know what? I'm tired of that. like, you know what? I'm tired of that. I'm tired of playing games. I'm tired of I'm tired of playing games. I'm tired of I'm tired of playing games. I'm tired of the battle of who can care less. And now the battle of who can care less. And now the battle of who can care less. And now we're really seeing that term has we're really seeing that term has we're really seeing that term has skyrocketed. So we've seen a 217% skyrocketed. So we've seen a 217% skyrocketed. So we've seen a 217% increase in that term in the last year. increase in that term in the last year. increase in that term in the last year. And on TikTok, you'll see all these And on TikTok, you'll see all these And on TikTok, you'll see all these videos like, I want a shalant guy. I videos like, I want a shalant guy. I videos like, I want a shalant guy. I want someone to shellant me down. And so want someone to shellant me down. And so want someone to shellant me down. And so shalant dating is a combination of shalant dating is a combination of shalant dating is a combination of effort and vulnerability. It's saying, I effort and vulnerability. It's saying, I effort and vulnerability. It's saying, I care. I'm going to show you that I care. care. I'm going to show you that I care. care. I'm going to show you that I care. And I'm willing to be vulnerable even at And I'm willing to be vulnerable even at And I'm willing to be vulnerable even at the risk of rejection. the risk of rejection. the risk of rejection. >> Yeah. And and what's fascinating though >> Yeah. And and what's fascinating though >> Yeah. And and what's fascinating though is we always get into that trend of I is we always get into that trend of I is we always get into that trend of I want someone to be this way. And it want someone to be this way. And it want someone to be this way. And it comes back to the same thing of like comes back to the same thing of like comes back to the same thing of like well we're going to have to be this way well we're going to have to be this way well we're going to have to be this way too because there's only so much. I love too because there's only so much. I love too because there's only so much. I love that term because again it's like it that term because again it's like it that term because again it's like it goes back to what you said earlier which goes back to what you said earlier which goes back to what you said earlier which is the goal. If your goal is I want to is the goal. If your goal is I want to is the goal. If your goal is I want to find love and I want to commit to find love and I want to commit to find love and I want to commit to someone and be in a monogous someone and be in a monogous someone and be in a monogous relationship long term, you're going to relationship long term, you're going to relationship long term, you're going to have to be shal because guess what? Even have to be shal because guess what? Even have to be shal because guess what? Even when you've been with someone for 10 when you've been with someone for 10 when you've been with someone for 10 years, you still have to be shal. So the years, you still have to be shal. So the years, you still have to be shal. So the shalant never changes. It's always shalant never changes. It's always shalant never changes. It's always there. It's always care, effort, and there. It's always care, effort, and there. It's always care, effort, and vulnerability. And then it goes back to, vulnerability. And then it goes back to, vulnerability. And then it goes back to, well, if you don't know what your goal well, if you don't know what your goal well, if you don't know what your goal is, is, is, >> then of course you care more about what >> then of course you care more about what >> then of course you care more about what everyone else thinks or being cringe or everyone else thinks or being cringe or everyone else thinks or being cringe or being left on red or whatever it may be. being left on red or whatever it may be. being left on red or whatever it may be. And so it's that goal piece, I think, is And so it's that goal piece, I think, is And so it's that goal piece, I think, is so important. so important. so important. >> Have you seen Heated Rivalry or you do? >> Have you seen Heated Rivalry or you do? >> Have you seen Heated Rivalry or you do? >> I have not seen it. No, no, no. I know >> I have not seen it. No, no, no. I know >> I have not seen it. No, no, no. I know I've heard about it from a million I've heard about it from a million I've heard about it from a million people, but I have not seen it. people, but I have not seen it. people, but I have not seen it. >> I really liked it. I don't think it's >> I really liked it. I don't think it's >> I really liked it. I don't think it's overrated, but it's been amazing to see overrated, but it's been amazing to see overrated, but it's been amazing to see the reaction to that show. And I think the reaction to that show. And I think the reaction to that show. And I think one of the reasons why is that it's a one of the reasons why is that it's a one of the reasons why is that it's a lot of shalant dating. And really, the lot of shalant dating. And really, the lot of shalant dating. And really, the show has this pivotal point where one of show has this pivotal point where one of show has this pivotal point where one of the characters, Shane, who's been the characters, Shane, who's been the characters, Shane, who's been holding back his feelings, becomes more holding back his feelings, becomes more holding back his feelings, becomes more shal. And he says this famous line, you shal. And he says this famous line, you shal. And he says this famous line, you know, come to the cottage. I want you to know, come to the cottage. I want you to know, come to the cottage. I want you to come to my cottage. And that's really come to my cottage. And that's really come to my cottage. And that's really about him showing effort and being about him showing effort and being about him showing effort and being vulnerable. And that changes everything. vulnerable. And that changes everything. vulnerable. And that changes everything. And people have really been drawn to the And people have really been drawn to the And people have really been drawn to the show because it's about loving out loud show because it's about loving out loud show because it's about loving out loud and yearning for someone. And I think and yearning for someone. And I think and yearning for someone. And I think people are missing that. And we just people are missing that. And we just people are missing that. And we just have this entire generation and maybe have this entire generation and maybe have this entire generation and maybe even you know more than just Gen Z even you know more than just Gen Z even you know more than just Gen Z that's sort of like sitting at home that's sort of like sitting at home that's sort of like sitting at home hiding behind a screen yearning for hiding behind a screen yearning for hiding behind a screen yearning for someone to yearn for them but being so someone to yearn for them but being so someone to yearn for them but being so afraid of showing effort. I just think afraid of showing effort. I just think afraid of showing effort. I just think it's a shame. It's like when did effort it's a shame. It's like when did effort it's a shame. It's like when did effort become cringe? When did trying for become cringe? When did trying for become cringe? When did trying for something become embarrassing? I think something become embarrassing? I think something become embarrassing? I think if you look at the psychology behind it, if you look at the psychology behind it, if you look at the psychology behind it, it really has to do with fear of it really has to do with fear of it really has to do with fear of rejection. And we found at Hinge that rejection. And we found at Hinge that rejection. And we found at Hinge that 95% of daters say that they have this 95% of daters say that they have this 95% of daters say that they have this fear of rejection. But if you just have fear of rejection. But if you just have fear of rejection. But if you just have people sitting at home not willing to people sitting at home not willing to people sitting at home not willing to try, then they're never going to get try, then they're never going to get try, then they're never going to get this thing that they clearly want, which this thing that they clearly want, which this thing that they clearly want, which is finding a great partner. is finding a great partner. is finding a great partner. >> Yeah. And I think documented rejection >> Yeah. And I think documented rejection >> Yeah. And I think documented rejection is a painful point. It's what you said is a painful point. It's what you said is a painful point. It's what you said about the surveillance. if someone's not about the surveillance. if someone's not about the surveillance. if someone's not replying back and then it goes to the replying back and then it goes to the replying back and then it goes to the group chat or you send a text where you group chat or you send a text where you group chat or you send a text where you were really vulnerable and all of a were really vulnerable and all of a were really vulnerable and all of a sudden that text ends up in another sudden that text ends up in another sudden that text ends up in another group chat and that's concerning because group chat and that's concerning because group chat and that's concerning because you you don't want to be exposed for you you don't want to be exposed for you you don't want to be exposed for being vulnerable and and I think that being vulnerable and and I think that being vulnerable and and I think that comes back to what you're saying there's comes back to what you're saying there's comes back to what you're saying there's another statistic here that hits on that another statistic here that hits on that another statistic here that hits on that exactly 40% of men aged 18 to 25 have exactly 40% of men aged 18 to 25 have exactly 40% of men aged 18 to 25 have never approached a woman in person. It never approached a woman in person. It never approached a woman in person. It sounds like that's happening because of sounds like that's happening because of sounds like that's happening because of a fear of rejection. It sounds like a fear of rejection. It sounds like a fear of rejection. It sounds like that's happening because of, well, I that's happening because of, well, I that's happening because of, well, I don't even know what to say. I don't don't even know what to say. I don't don't even know what to say. I don't even know how to start. It sounds like even know how to start. It sounds like even know how to start. It sounds like that's happening because we don't really that's happening because we don't really that's happening because we don't really do that anymore. So, when me and you do that anymore. So, when me and you do that anymore. So, when me and you were dating at that age, that's all I were dating at that age, that's all I were dating at that age, that's all I ever did. All I ever had to do was pluck ever did. All I ever had to do was pluck ever did. All I ever had to do was pluck up the courage to go over to a girl in a up the courage to go over to a girl in a up the courage to go over to a girl in a bar or a restaurant or or in the mall bar or a restaurant or or in the mall bar or a restaurant or or in the mall and say, "Hey, can I get your number?" and say, "Hey, can I get your number?" and say, "Hey, can I get your number?" And I remember how stressful that was. And I remember how stressful that was. And I remember how stressful that was. Like, it was stressful even back then, Like, it was stressful even back then, Like, it was stressful even back then, but that was the move. And sometimes you but that was the move. And sometimes you but that was the move. And sometimes you get rejected, sometimes it would work. get rejected, sometimes it would work. get rejected, sometimes it would work. And so, how do we even encourage when And so, how do we even encourage when And so, how do we even encourage when we're saying people are losing basic we're saying people are losing basic we're saying people are losing basic connection skills, conversation skills? connection skills, conversation skills? connection skills, conversation skills? People are worried if I go up to People are worried if I go up to People are worried if I go up to someone, will I look like a creep? someone, will I look like a creep? someone, will I look like a creep? People are worried I get rejected in People are worried I get rejected in People are worried I get rejected in public. How terrible will it look? public. How terrible will it look? public. How terrible will it look? Everyone has their phones out now. How Everyone has their phones out now. How Everyone has their phones out now. How do we even begin to think about giving do we even begin to think about giving do we even begin to think about giving people these skills? Everything you're people these skills? Everything you're people these skills? Everything you're saying, I agree with where people saying, I agree with where people saying, I agree with where people listening to this who may have been listening to this who may have been listening to this who may have been married for a while or they're married for a while or they're married for a while or they're millennial, Gen X, and older, they might millennial, Gen X, and older, they might millennial, Gen X, and older, they might be like, "Yeah, people have always been be like, "Yeah, people have always been be like, "Yeah, people have always been afraid of rejection." I think what we're afraid of rejection." I think what we're afraid of rejection." I think what we're really calling out here is that this is really calling out here is that this is really calling out here is that this is a new and distinct thing where Gen Z by a new and distinct thing where Gen Z by a new and distinct thing where Gen Z by nature of the surveillance culture and nature of the surveillance culture and nature of the surveillance culture and also I do think the pandemic, you know, also I do think the pandemic, you know, also I do think the pandemic, you know, people don't want to bring up the people don't want to bring up the people don't want to bring up the pandemic anymore, but it's like if you pandemic anymore, but it's like if you pandemic anymore, but it's like if you came of age during the pandemic, it did came of age during the pandemic, it did came of age during the pandemic, it did impact your social skills. And a lot of impact your social skills. And a lot of impact your social skills. And a lot of the Gen Z daters that I talked to say, the Gen Z daters that I talked to say, the Gen Z daters that I talked to say, you know, I'm much more comfortable you know, I'm much more comfortable you know, I'm much more comfortable communicating through a screen or I want communicating through a screen or I want communicating through a screen or I want to be able to check it with chat GPT to be able to check it with chat GPT to be able to check it with chat GPT first. And it's like, sure, you can use first. And it's like, sure, you can use first. And it's like, sure, you can use those as strategies to get to the date, those as strategies to get to the date, those as strategies to get to the date, but once you're on the date, it's still but once you're on the date, it's still but once you're on the date, it's still like the analog version of like two like the analog version of like two like the analog version of like two people talking. You have to be able to people talking. You have to be able to people talking. You have to be able to make conversation. In terms of people make conversation. In terms of people make conversation. In terms of people approaching each other in public, I approaching each other in public, I approaching each other in public, I think the answer there is really just to think the answer there is really just to think the answer there is really just to work on experiencing discomfort and work on experiencing discomfort and work on experiencing discomfort and working through it and being able to see working through it and being able to see working through it and being able to see that rejection can actually be that rejection can actually be that rejection can actually be redirection. So when you hear a bunch of redirection. So when you hear a bunch of redirection. So when you hear a bunch of nos, those are nos that you're hearing nos, those are nos that you're hearing nos, those are nos that you're hearing on the way to a different yes. And so on the way to a different yes. And so on the way to a different yes. And so you have to get a bunch of nos to figure you have to get a bunch of nos to figure you have to get a bunch of nos to figure out what's right for you. And I think out what's right for you. And I think out what's right for you. And I think that if you're so fearful of a no, you that if you're so fearful of a no, you that if you're so fearful of a no, you never try and you never get to that yes. never try and you never get to that yes. never try and you never get to that yes. >> Yeah, absolutely. There was another one >> Yeah, absolutely. There was another one >> Yeah, absolutely. There was another one that reminds me of your hesitator. So that reminds me of your hesitator. So that reminds me of your hesitator. So this stat, this is why I put it in this stat, this is why I put it in this stat, this is why I put it in there. there. there. >> So 69% of Gen Z respondents say they're >> So 69% of Gen Z respondents say they're >> So 69% of Gen Z respondents say they're not ready for a relationship even though not ready for a relationship even though not ready for a relationship even though they may want one. Why do you think that they may want one. Why do you think that they may want one. Why do you think that is? is? is? >> That absolutely sounds like hesitators. >> That absolutely sounds like hesitators. >> That absolutely sounds like hesitators. And maybe we're talking about a And maybe we're talking about a And maybe we're talking about a generation of hesitators. And so when generation of hesitators. And so when generation of hesitators. And so when you dig into the psychology of a you dig into the psychology of a you dig into the psychology of a hesitator, a lot of it is around, I'm hesitator, a lot of it is around, I'm hesitator, a lot of it is around, I'm not enough. I'm not where I need to be not enough. I'm not where I need to be not enough. I'm not where I need to be yet. And so I'll talk to, let's say, a yet. And so I'll talk to, let's say, a yet. And so I'll talk to, let's say, a male dater in his 20s in New York and male dater in his 20s in New York and male dater in his 20s in New York and he'll say, "I can't date until I make he'll say, "I can't date until I make he'll say, "I can't date until I make six figures." And I find this is six figures." And I find this is six figures." And I find this is especially true with men where there's especially true with men where there's especially true with men where there's this sense of women need me to be a this sense of women need me to be a this sense of women need me to be a provider. And for a number of provider. And for a number of provider. And for a number of sociological, cultural reasons, they sociological, cultural reasons, they sociological, cultural reasons, they don't feel like they're able to be that don't feel like they're able to be that don't feel like they're able to be that yet. So they don't even put themselves yet. So they don't even put themselves yet. So they don't even put themselves out there. But then on the other hand, out there. But then on the other hand, out there. But then on the other hand, we have the research and the insights we have the research and the insights we have the research and the insights into what women want. And so only 6% of into what women want. And so only 6% of into what women want. And so only 6% of female daters say they want a man who's female daters say they want a man who's female daters say they want a man who's the solo provider. And 72% of women on the solo provider. And 72% of women on the solo provider. And 72% of women on Hinge said that they'd much rather have Hinge said that they'd much rather have Hinge said that they'd much rather have someone who puts in effort than someone someone who puts in effort than someone someone who puts in effort than someone who makes more money. And so you have who makes more money. And so you have who makes more money. And so you have men saying, "I'm not eligible. I can't men saying, "I'm not eligible. I can't men saying, "I'm not eligible. I can't be the provider that I was told I need be the provider that I was told I need be the provider that I was told I need to be." And women saying, "Actually, to be." And women saying, "Actually, to be." And women saying, "Actually, things have changed. I am more of a things have changed. I am more of a things have changed. I am more of a provider than my mother's generation or provider than my mother's generation or provider than my mother's generation or my grandmother's generation." And so my grandmother's generation." And so my grandmother's generation." And so what I want is emotional intelligence, what I want is emotional intelligence, what I want is emotional intelligence, emotional availability, effort. And so emotional availability, effort. And so emotional availability, effort. And so you have two people who misunderstand you have two people who misunderstand you have two people who misunderstand what the other person wants and then what the other person wants and then what the other person wants and then they're they're not putting themselves they're they're not putting themselves they're they're not putting themselves out there. out there. out there. >> That I mean that speaks to the root of >> That I mean that speaks to the root of >> That I mean that speaks to the root of so many challenges. When I spoke, and so many challenges. When I spoke, and so many challenges. When I spoke, and we're talking about heterosexual we're talking about heterosexual we're talking about heterosexual relationships, when I speak to women who relationships, when I speak to women who relationships, when I speak to women who say to me like, "Well, I just can't find say to me like, "Well, I just can't find say to me like, "Well, I just can't find the right guy. There's no good guys out the right guy. There's no good guys out the right guy. There's no good guys out there." And then when I speak to guys, there." And then when I speak to guys, there." And then when I speak to guys, they're like, "Well, I can't get a match they're like, "Well, I can't get a match they're like, "Well, I can't get a match on an app." And so then you go, "Wait a on an app." And so then you go, "Wait a on an app." And so then you go, "Wait a minute. What's going on here?" And where minute. What's going on here?" And where minute. What's going on here?" And where are we? So, what are the other things are we? So, what are the other things are we? So, what are the other things that you're seeing that are almost that you're seeing that are almost that you're seeing that are almost causing this tension between men and causing this tension between men and causing this tension between men and women? So, one of them being men think women? So, one of them being men think women? So, one of them being men think they need to be earning six figures. they need to be earning six figures. they need to be earning six figures. Women are saying, "Hey, we're happy to Women are saying, "Hey, we're happy to Women are saying, "Hey, we're happy to contribute." What are the other tension contribute." What are the other tension contribute." What are the other tension points that you're seeing that you think points that you're seeing that you think points that you're seeing that you think are misleading us from the actual point are misleading us from the actual point are misleading us from the actual point of what we're looking for? of what we're looking for? of what we're looking for? >> Yes. And so, just to emphasize that >> Yes. And so, just to emphasize that >> Yes. And so, just to emphasize that effort point and shalant dating even effort point and shalant dating even effort point and shalant dating even more, I hear from women where they're more, I hear from women where they're more, I hear from women where they're like, "This guy, he doesn't need to fly like, "This guy, he doesn't need to fly like, "This guy, he doesn't need to fly me to the moon. I just want simple me to the moon. I just want simple me to the moon. I just want simple things. I want him to remember the name things. I want him to remember the name things. I want him to remember the name of my best friend from work. I want him of my best friend from work. I want him of my best friend from work. I want him to know that I have a big meeting and to know that I have a big meeting and to know that I have a big meeting and send me a text wishing me good luck or send me a text wishing me good luck or send me a text wishing me good luck or following up afterwards." And so, women following up afterwards." And so, women following up afterwards." And so, women are saying like, "I want effort and I are saying like, "I want effort and I are saying like, "I want effort and I want care." and that's more important to want care." and that's more important to want care." and that's more important to me than money. And the men are just me than money. And the men are just me than money. And the men are just like, well, I was raised to, you know, like, well, I was raised to, you know, like, well, I was raised to, you know, be a lion and the lion has to provide. be a lion and the lion has to provide. be a lion and the lion has to provide. And women are like, wait, no, I want a And women are like, wait, no, I want a And women are like, wait, no, I want a tiger who's emotional. And he's like, tiger who's emotional. And he's like, tiger who's emotional. And he's like, but but I wasn't raised for that. And but but I wasn't raised for that. And but but I wasn't raised for that. And so, I do feel like the dating hasn't so, I do feel like the dating hasn't so, I do feel like the dating hasn't caught up with the data. the dating of caught up with the data. the dating of caught up with the data. the dating of how we interact and how in heterosexual how we interact and how in heterosexual how we interact and how in heterosexual relationships people perceive each other relationships people perceive each other relationships people perceive each other hasn't caught up with the fact that we hasn't caught up with the fact that we hasn't caught up with the fact that we do live in a different society where do live in a different society where do live in a different society where women are earning more money and you women are earning more money and you women are earning more money and you know soon twothirds of college graduates know soon twothirds of college graduates know soon twothirds of college graduates will be women and so there's really a will be women and so there's really a will be women and so there's really a disconnect there disconnect there disconnect there >> on eBay every find has a story like if >> on eBay every find has a story like if >> on eBay every find has a story like if you're looking for a vintage band tea you're looking for a vintage band tea you're looking for a vintage band tea not just a tea the band tea from the not just a tea the band tea from the not just a tea the band tea from the last show your favorite band ever played last show your favorite band ever played last show your favorite band ever played you wore it everywhere wear. 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The first one is this idea of men were The first one is this idea of men were The first one is this idea of men were not raised not raised not raised >> to be that vulnerable tiger as you put >> to be that vulnerable tiger as you put >> to be that vulnerable tiger as you put it. And I do see that as being a real it. And I do see that as being a real it. And I do see that as being a real real challenge for men where the men real challenge for men where the men real challenge for men where the men that do feel they're vulnerable feel that do feel they're vulnerable feel that do feel they're vulnerable feel that they're not strong enough for that they're not strong enough for that they're not strong enough for women. And the men that feel like women. And the men that feel like women. And the men that feel like they're trying to become financially they're trying to become financially they're trying to become financially successful successful successful may not feel emotionally available or may not feel emotionally available or may not feel emotionally available or women may not feel they're emotionally women may not feel they're emotionally women may not feel they're emotionally available. And then you're stuck in this available. And then you're stuck in this available. And then you're stuck in this catch 22. How does a group of men go on catch 22. How does a group of men go on catch 22. How does a group of men go on to, you know, it's almost like a big to, you know, it's almost like a big to, you know, it's almost like a big challenge to say, how do we get soci how challenge to say, how do we get soci how challenge to say, how do we get soci how do we get men in society to actually do we get men in society to actually do we get men in society to actually develop some of those emotional develop some of those emotional develop some of those emotional intelligence skills? intelligence skills? intelligence skills? >> I just want to acknowledge that it's >> I just want to acknowledge that it's >> I just want to acknowledge that it's really complicated and that I hear it really complicated and that I hear it really complicated and that I hear it from both sides. So, there's this quote from both sides. So, there's this quote from both sides. So, there's this quote that I love from Bnee Brown where she that I love from Bnee Brown where she that I love from Bnee Brown where she says, "Women beg to be vulnerable and says, "Women beg to be vulnerable and says, "Women beg to be vulnerable and they really want them to open up, but they really want them to open up, but they really want them to open up, but the second that they do, women can't the second that they do, women can't the second that they do, women can't stand it." And so it's like we tell men stand it." And so it's like we tell men stand it." And so it's like we tell men that we want them to be vulnerable, but that we want them to be vulnerable, but that we want them to be vulnerable, but actually in many ways we want them to actually in many ways we want them to actually in many ways we want them to follow these scripts of masculinity. And follow these scripts of masculinity. And follow these scripts of masculinity. And so I think as a society, we're still so I think as a society, we're still so I think as a society, we're still sort of figuring it out. Like there used sort of figuring it out. Like there used sort of figuring it out. Like there used to be more traditional gender roles. And to be more traditional gender roles. And to be more traditional gender roles. And I'm glad that we've developed past that. I'm glad that we've developed past that. I'm glad that we've developed past that. I'm glad that I can make an income and I'm glad that I can make an income and I'm glad that I can make an income and like I love my life and I love my like I love my life and I love my like I love my life and I love my career. But I also understand why people career. But I also understand why people career. But I also understand why people are confused because when there's more are confused because when there's more are confused because when there's more ambiguity and more blurred lines, then ambiguity and more blurred lines, then ambiguity and more blurred lines, then people are figuring out their roles. And people are figuring out their roles. And people are figuring out their roles. And I think what you said is exactly what I think what you said is exactly what I think what you said is exactly what I'm seeing as well. You have men who I'm seeing as well. You have men who I'm seeing as well. You have men who aren't sure how vulnerable women aren't sure how vulnerable women aren't sure how vulnerable women actually want them to be and then you actually want them to be and then you actually want them to be and then you also have women that are successful in also have women that are successful in also have women that are successful in making money and then they fear that men making money and then they fear that men making money and then they fear that men are going to find them intimidating or are going to find them intimidating or are going to find them intimidating or they don't they don't they don't >> which is not their fault either which is >> which is not their fault either which is >> which is not their fault either which is >> and so I I feel like we're just kind of >> and so I I feel like we're just kind of >> and so I I feel like we're just kind of in that messy middle where like there in that messy middle where like there in that messy middle where like there was the way things were for a long time was the way things were for a long time was the way things were for a long time and like for most of history like men and like for most of history like men and like for most of history like men have had all the economic power all the have had all the economic power all the have had all the economic power all the earning power and then for a bunch of earning power and then for a bunch of earning power and then for a bunch of things that have changed let's say in things that have changed let's say in things that have changed let's say in the last 50 years with feminism and the last 50 years with feminism and the last 50 years with feminism and other things that have progressed, you other things that have progressed, you other things that have progressed, you now have brand new rules. And I think now have brand new rules. And I think now have brand new rules. And I think people just haven't figured it out. But people just haven't figured it out. But people just haven't figured it out. But what makes me sad about it is it just what makes me sad about it is it just what makes me sad about it is it just leads to a lot of misconnections. leads to a lot of misconnections. leads to a lot of misconnections. >> Yeah. The the picture you just painted >> Yeah. The the picture you just painted >> Yeah. The the picture you just painted feels very true to me that we had these feels very true to me that we had these feels very true to me that we had these very clear structures that I don't think very clear structures that I don't think very clear structures that I don't think were healthy or good in any way, but were healthy or good in any way, but were healthy or good in any way, but they were clear. And what's happened now they were clear. And what's happened now they were clear. And what's happened now is we moved into the age of nuance. And is we moved into the age of nuance. And is we moved into the age of nuance. And because our brains are not designed to because our brains are not designed to because our brains are not designed to deal with nuance as well, we kind of deal with nuance as well, we kind of deal with nuance as well, we kind of don't know how to navigate those things. don't know how to navigate those things. don't know how to navigate those things. And I would honestly say, and maybe And I would honestly say, and maybe And I would honestly say, and maybe you'd say the same about you and your you'd say the same about you and your you'd say the same about you and your partner, I would say that my wife and I partner, I would say that my wife and I partner, I would say that my wife and I kind of toggle a lot of nuance for our kind of toggle a lot of nuance for our kind of toggle a lot of nuance for our relationship to work. We don't really relationship to work. We don't really relationship to work. We don't really have clear, we have some very clear have clear, we have some very clear have clear, we have some very clear roles and some very not clear roles. We roles and some very not clear roles. We roles and some very not clear roles. We have some parts of our relationship that have some parts of our relationship that have some parts of our relationship that are totally different to what we both are totally different to what we both are totally different to what we both imagined our life would be. We live imagined our life would be. We live imagined our life would be. We live across cities. We travel a lot. we spend across cities. We travel a lot. we spend across cities. We travel a lot. we spend a lot of time together and then don't a lot of time together and then don't a lot of time together and then don't don't see each other for time. So, don't see each other for time. So, don't see each other for time. So, there's so many nuances that we we can't there's so many nuances that we we can't there's so many nuances that we we can't stay tied to our gender roles to make stay tied to our gender roles to make stay tied to our gender roles to make the relationship successful because that the relationship successful because that the relationship successful because that would just make us weaker and it's would just make us weaker and it's would just make us weaker and it's almost like we've got to rise above almost like we've got to rise above almost like we've got to rise above those. But the new rules haven't been those. But the new rules haven't been those. But the new rules haven't been set yet and we don't know what they are. set yet and we don't know what they are. set yet and we don't know what they are. I definitely agree and I would say I I definitely agree and I would say I I definitely agree and I would say I have the same thing in my marriage. So, have the same thing in my marriage. So, have the same thing in my marriage. So, I do 100% of the laundry. My husband I do 100% of the laundry. My husband I do 100% of the laundry. My husband does 100% of the garbage. That's because does 100% of the garbage. That's because does 100% of the garbage. That's because I like doing laundry. It doesn't bother I like doing laundry. It doesn't bother I like doing laundry. It doesn't bother me and he doesn't want to do it. But in me and he doesn't want to do it. But in me and he doesn't want to do it. But in other ways, we kind of mix those gender other ways, we kind of mix those gender other ways, we kind of mix those gender roles up. So like he's 100% in charge of roles up. So like he's 100% in charge of roles up. So like he's 100% in charge of like our food, our groceries, feeding like our food, our groceries, feeding like our food, our groceries, feeding our daughter. Like people ask me what our daughter. Like people ask me what our daughter. Like people ask me what she eats. I'm like, I don't know. That's she eats. I'm like, I don't know. That's she eats. I'm like, I don't know. That's his department. And so I agree that his department. And so I agree that his department. And so I agree that there's a lot of nuance. I think that there's a lot of nuance. I think that there's a lot of nuance. I think that just pulling back and kind of zooming just pulling back and kind of zooming just pulling back and kind of zooming out. People are struggling right now out. People are struggling right now out. People are struggling right now because there are way fewer rules. Like because there are way fewer rules. Like because there are way fewer rules. Like if you went 200 years ago, what were my if you went 200 years ago, what were my if you went 200 years ago, what were my ancestors doing? Well, I'm Jewish. So, ancestors doing? Well, I'm Jewish. So, ancestors doing? Well, I'm Jewish. So, they would have known what to wear. They they would have known what to wear. They they would have known what to wear. They would have spent their days praying or would have spent their days praying or would have spent their days praying or studying the Torah or knowing exactly studying the Torah or knowing exactly studying the Torah or knowing exactly what they could and couldn't eat. A what they could and couldn't eat. A what they could and couldn't eat. A matchmaker would figure out who to matchmaker would figure out who to matchmaker would figure out who to marry. There was just so many more rules marry. There was just so many more rules marry. There was just so many more rules that told you who you were. And now that told you who you were. And now that told you who you were. And now we've broken open a lot of those rules. we've broken open a lot of those rules. we've broken open a lot of those rules. And I think people are really struggling And I think people are really struggling And I think people are really struggling with knowing what to do. And in some with knowing what to do. And in some with knowing what to do. And in some ways, they're craving rules. And so I ways, they're craving rules. And so I ways, they're craving rules. And so I don't think that where society should go don't think that where society should go don't think that where society should go or certainly where I want it to go is or certainly where I want it to go is or certainly where I want it to go is going back to traditional gender roles. going back to traditional gender roles. going back to traditional gender roles. I'm just Yeah. And I don't want that at I'm just Yeah. And I don't want that at I'm just Yeah. And I don't want that at all. But I'm just acknowledging that I all. But I'm just acknowledging that I all. But I'm just acknowledging that I think without rules, people are think without rules, people are think without rules, people are struggling. And you can even see this in struggling. And you can even see this in struggling. And you can even see this in the rise of certain aspects of the the rise of certain aspects of the the rise of certain aspects of the manosphere or you know, Catholicism is manosphere or you know, Catholicism is manosphere or you know, Catholicism is having a moment where I think people having a moment where I think people having a moment where I think people really feel like I just want someone to really feel like I just want someone to really feel like I just want someone to tell me what to do because when it's up tell me what to do because when it's up tell me what to do because when it's up to me, I don't think I'm necessarily to me, I don't think I'm necessarily to me, I don't think I'm necessarily making great decisions. And that's hard making great decisions. And that's hard making great decisions. And that's hard because I think we all know enough because I think we all know enough because I think we all know enough people who followed the perfect people who followed the perfect people who followed the perfect trajectory their life would have should trajectory their life would have should trajectory their life would have should have gone in and not been happy when it have gone in and not been happy when it have gone in and not been happy when it was decided by others. And almost agency was decided by others. And almost agency was decided by others. And almost agency and awareness are just such superpowers and awareness are just such superpowers and awareness are just such superpowers and privileges that that we all get to and privileges that that we all get to and privileges that that we all get to decide who you spend your life with and decide who you spend your life with and decide who you spend your life with and what city you live in and what you do what city you live in and what you do what city you live in and what you do for work that I almost want to, you for work that I almost want to, you for work that I almost want to, you know, help people feel empowered that know, help people feel empowered that know, help people feel empowered that those are beautiful things to decide and those are beautiful things to decide and those are beautiful things to decide and you don't want to outsource them. So, you don't want to outsource them. So, you don't want to outsource them. So, let's go through my results and then you let's go through my results and then you let's go through my results and then you can tell me how they can improve and can tell me how they can improve and can tell me how they can improve and what to do with them. what to do with them. what to do with them. >> So, just a caveat again. I answered this >> So, just a caveat again. I answered this >> So, just a caveat again. I answered this as who I was when I was dating and I as who I was when I was dating and I as who I was when I was dating and I answered this as friends of mine who are answered this as friends of mine who are answered this as friends of mine who are dating right now because that was my dating right now because that was my dating right now because that was my best way of doing it. best way of doing it. best way of doing it. >> So, it says, "Thanks for taking my three >> So, it says, "Thanks for taking my three >> So, it says, "Thanks for taking my three dating tendencies quiz, which everyone dating tendencies quiz, which everyone dating tendencies quiz, which everyone can take as well. We'll put the link in can take as well. We'll put the link in can take as well. We'll put the link in the uh on the screen right now and in the uh on the screen right now and in the uh on the screen right now and in the comments. uh you scored equally high the comments. uh you scored equally high the comments. uh you scored equally high on the hesitator and the maximizer on the hesitator and the maximizer on the hesitator and the maximizer tendencies. tendencies. tendencies. >> Yeah. So this is interesting. So >> Yeah. So this is interesting. So >> Yeah. So this is interesting. So sometimes people get both, but if you sometimes people get both, but if you sometimes people get both, but if you have the hesitator tendency that usually have the hesitator tendency that usually have the hesitator tendency that usually overrides it because it means that for overrides it because it means that for overrides it because it means that for these other reasons you're not dating at these other reasons you're not dating at these other reasons you're not dating at all. And so I imagine that maybe the all. And so I imagine that maybe the all. And so I imagine that maybe the maximizer is who you were when you were maximizer is who you were when you were maximizer is who you were when you were dating and maybe the hesitator is your dating and maybe the hesitator is your dating and maybe the hesitator is your friends who aren't dating right now. friends who aren't dating right now. friends who aren't dating right now. >> That sounds that sounds very accurate. >> That sounds that sounds very accurate. >> That sounds that sounds very accurate. Yeah. If anything, I had a bit of the Yeah. If anything, I had a bit of the Yeah. If anything, I had a bit of the romanticizer in me too. I could also see romanticizer in me too. I could also see romanticizer in me too. I could also see that I wasn't we're still getting to that I wasn't we're still getting to that I wasn't we're still getting to know each other. know each other. know each other. >> I'm like fully an idealistic romantic >> I'm like fully an idealistic romantic >> I'm like fully an idealistic romantic kind of person. kind of person. kind of person. >> I mean I think just like messy love >> I mean I think just like messy love >> I mean I think just like messy love eight rules of you have this is your eight rules of you have this is your eight rules of you have this is your favorite realm. So I'll just talk favorite realm. So I'll just talk favorite realm. So I'll just talk through each one and kind of how to through each one and kind of how to through each one and kind of how to overcome it. So we talked about the overcome it. So we talked about the overcome it. So we talked about the romanticizer and so for them they really romanticizer and so for them they really romanticizer and so for them they really believe that there's one person out believe that there's one person out believe that there's one person out there for them. There's research from a there for them. There's research from a there for them. There's research from a psychologist named Renee Franiac who psychologist named Renee Franiac who psychologist named Renee Franiac who breaks this into a framework called the breaks this into a framework called the breaks this into a framework called the work it out mindset versus the soulmate work it out mindset versus the soulmate work it out mindset versus the soulmate mindset. So people with the soulmate mindset. So people with the soulmate mindset. So people with the soulmate mindset believe if you find the right mindset believe if you find the right mindset believe if you find the right person everything will be easy. And person everything will be easy. And person everything will be easy. And people with the work it out mindset know people with the work it out mindset know people with the work it out mindset know that when you're in a relationship you that when you're in a relationship you that when you're in a relationship you have to put in effort to make it work. have to put in effort to make it work. have to put in effort to make it work. And so what we find is that people with And so what we find is that people with And so what we find is that people with this soulmate mindset, it's actually this soulmate mindset, it's actually this soulmate mindset, it's actually easy for them to get into relationships easy for them to get into relationships easy for them to get into relationships because they believe in love and they because they believe in love and they because they believe in love and they fall hard. But the moment that something fall hard. But the moment that something fall hard. But the moment that something tough happens, they think, "Can't be my tough happens, they think, "Can't be my tough happens, they think, "Can't be my soulmate. If it were my soulmate, it soulmate. If it were my soulmate, it soulmate. If it were my soulmate, it would be effortless." And so they give would be effortless." And so they give would be effortless." And so they give up too easily. And so my homework for up too easily. And so my homework for up too easily. And so my homework for the romanticizers out there is to shift the romanticizers out there is to shift the romanticizers out there is to shift from the soulmate mindset to the work it from the soulmate mindset to the work it from the soulmate mindset to the work it out mindset. And to understand that if out mindset. And to understand that if out mindset. And to understand that if you're putting in effort, then you're you're putting in effort, then you're you're putting in effort, then you're doing it right, not wrong. doing it right, not wrong. doing it right, not wrong. >> I love that. So well put. >> I love that. So well put. >> I love that. So well put. >> So then the next one is the maximizer, >> So then the next one is the maximizer, >> So then the next one is the maximizer, which is I was definitely a maximizer which is I was definitely a maximizer which is I was definitely a maximizer because I live in the Bay Area, Silicon because I live in the Bay Area, Silicon because I live in the Bay Area, Silicon Valley. A lot of people I work with our Valley. A lot of people I work with our Valley. A lot of people I work with our maximizers and I think our culture maximizers and I think our culture maximizers and I think our culture breeds maximizers because before I buy breeds maximizers because before I buy breeds maximizers because before I buy anything I mean it's so pathetic. I'm anything I mean it's so pathetic. I'm anything I mean it's so pathetic. I'm looking it up on Google. I'm checking looking it up on Google. I'm checking looking it up on Google. I'm checking Wire Cutter. What's the best vacuum? Wire Cutter. What's the best vacuum? Wire Cutter. What's the best vacuum? What's the best Bluetooth headphones? What's the best Bluetooth headphones? What's the best Bluetooth headphones? It's almost like I've lost the It's almost like I've lost the It's almost like I've lost the confidence in like buying something. I confidence in like buying something. I confidence in like buying something. I need to know like every single detail. need to know like every single detail. need to know like every single detail. And like we do this when we travel and And like we do this when we travel and And like we do this when we travel and if we're eating something. And so if we're eating something. And so if we're eating something. And so there's a tendency in our culture to do there's a tendency in our culture to do there's a tendency in our culture to do what's called relation shopping. Like to what's called relation shopping. Like to what's called relation shopping. Like to shop for someone as if it's a product shop for someone as if it's a product shop for someone as if it's a product and then say, "Well, I want the looks of and then say, "Well, I want the looks of and then say, "Well, I want the looks of this girl, the ambition of this girl, this girl, the ambition of this girl, this girl, the ambition of this girl, the family background of this girl." And the family background of this girl." And the family background of this girl." And then to think if we just keep searching, then to think if we just keep searching, then to think if we just keep searching, we'll find the perfect person. And what we'll find the perfect person. And what we'll find the perfect person. And what happens is people just wait too long and happens is people just wait too long and happens is people just wait too long and then they realize I have I have fewer then they realize I have I have fewer then they realize I have I have fewer opportunities now or the girl that I opportunities now or the girl that I opportunities now or the girl that I rejected 10 years ago, the guy I said no rejected 10 years ago, the guy I said no rejected 10 years ago, the guy I said no to 5 years ago. like they've gone and to 5 years ago. like they've gone and to 5 years ago. like they've gone and found someone great and now I'm alone. found someone great and now I'm alone. found someone great and now I'm alone. And so for the maximizer, the solution And so for the maximizer, the solution And so for the maximizer, the solution is really to switch from maximizing to is really to switch from maximizing to is really to switch from maximizing to something called satisficing. something called satisficing. something called satisficing. So satisficing is a term from the Nobel So satisficing is a term from the Nobel So satisficing is a term from the Nobel Prize winner Herbert Simon. And it's a Prize winner Herbert Simon. And it's a Prize winner Herbert Simon. And it's a port manto of the words satisfy and port manto of the words satisfy and port manto of the words satisfy and suffice. So this is how satisficing suffice. So this is how satisficing suffice. So this is how satisficing works. It's not about settling. Settling works. It's not about settling. Settling works. It's not about settling. Settling is such a curse word in my world. I'm is such a curse word in my world. I'm is such a curse word in my world. I'm sure for you too. Like no one wants to sure for you too. Like no one wants to sure for you too. Like no one wants to be told to settle. That's the sword. But be told to settle. That's the sword. But be told to settle. That's the sword. But instead, satisficing is this idea that instead, satisficing is this idea that instead, satisficing is this idea that you get super clear on what you want. you get super clear on what you want. you get super clear on what you want. You say, "These are my deal breakers. You say, "These are my deal breakers. You say, "These are my deal breakers. These are the things I must have." You These are the things I must have." You These are the things I must have." You know, if you want to have the same know, if you want to have the same know, if you want to have the same religion as someone, if you really want religion as someone, if you really want religion as someone, if you really want them to care about animals, if you want them to care about animals, if you want them to care about animals, if you want to have a certain number of kids, and to have a certain number of kids, and to have a certain number of kids, and once I find someone that has those once I find someone that has those once I find someone that has those really important qualities to me, I'm really important qualities to me, I'm really important qualities to me, I'm going to commit to them and try to make going to commit to them and try to make going to commit to them and try to make it work. Versus what a maximizer does, it work. Versus what a maximizer does, it work. Versus what a maximizer does, which is they find that person and which is they find that person and which is they find that person and they're like, "Great. Well, if she they're like, "Great. Well, if she they're like, "Great. Well, if she exists, I'm going to find her. but an exists, I'm going to find her. but an exists, I'm going to find her. but an even hotter version. And so satisficing even hotter version. And so satisficing even hotter version. And so satisficing is really about knowing what's important is really about knowing what's important is really about knowing what's important to you, finding someone that satisfaces to you, finding someone that satisfaces to you, finding someone that satisfaces that, and committing. And this really that, and committing. And this really that, and committing. And this really important thing that I want to get important thing that I want to get important thing that I want to get across to people is that it's not about across to people is that it's not about across to people is that it's not about making the perfect decision. It's about making the perfect decision. It's about making the perfect decision. It's about how you feel about your decision. And how you feel about your decision. And how you feel about your decision. And all of the research on maximizers show all of the research on maximizers show all of the research on maximizers show that they often feel regret about their that they often feel regret about their that they often feel regret about their decisions because once they make a decisions because once they make a decisions because once they make a decision, they're thinking, well, what decision, they're thinking, well, what decision, they're thinking, well, what else could I have had? Whereas a else could I have had? Whereas a else could I have had? Whereas a satisficer, they're much happier in life satisficer, they're much happier in life satisficer, they're much happier in life because they make a decision, they because they make a decision, they because they make a decision, they commit to it, and that's what matters. commit to it, and that's what matters. commit to it, and that's what matters. It doesn't matter to have make the It doesn't matter to have make the It doesn't matter to have make the perfect choice. It matters how you feel perfect choice. It matters how you feel perfect choice. It matters how you feel about your choice. about your choice. about your choice. >> Yeah. And these are It seems like >> Yeah. And these are It seems like >> Yeah. And these are It seems like everything you're offering are like everything you're offering are like everything you're offering are like these really balancing principles, but these really balancing principles, but these really balancing principles, but require a lot of work to wrap your head require a lot of work to wrap your head require a lot of work to wrap your head around. When you've been conditioned for around. When you've been conditioned for around. When you've been conditioned for 20, 30, 40 years to be a maximizer, it's 20, 30, 40 years to be a maximizer, it's 20, 30, 40 years to be a maximizer, it's hard to suddenly recognize the value of hard to suddenly recognize the value of hard to suddenly recognize the value of satisficing because it's worked for you, satisficing because it's worked for you, satisficing because it's worked for you, right? like being that ambitious, right? like being that ambitious, right? like being that ambitious, driven, a type person has worked for you driven, a type person has worked for you driven, a type person has worked for you and now in love you're like well maybe and now in love you're like well maybe and now in love you're like well maybe it won't work for you in this area it won't work for you in this area it won't work for you in this area specifically. specifically. specifically. >> I think that's a crucial point is that >> I think that's a crucial point is that >> I think that's a crucial point is that what works for many people in other what works for many people in other what works for many people in other aspects of their life whether it's aspects of their life whether it's aspects of their life whether it's exercise, making money, work doesn't exercise, making money, work doesn't exercise, making money, work doesn't always apply in dating and there is this always apply in dating and there is this always apply in dating and there is this alchemy. There is this sense of two alchemy. There is this sense of two alchemy. There is this sense of two people coming together and it's why you people coming together and it's why you people coming together and it's why you know no one has an algorithm that know no one has an algorithm that know no one has an algorithm that perfectly predicts who you're going to perfectly predicts who you're going to perfectly predicts who you're going to be with. It really is this thing where be with. It really is this thing where be with. It really is this thing where two people are in front of each other two people are in front of each other two people are in front of each other choosing each other. And when you're in choosing each other. And when you're in choosing each other. And when you're in a relationship, you choose each other a relationship, you choose each other a relationship, you choose each other every single day. And I think that you every single day. And I think that you every single day. And I think that you have to take the mindset that you apply have to take the mindset that you apply have to take the mindset that you apply to work and other optimization and you to work and other optimization and you to work and other optimization and you have to switch it when it comes to have to switch it when it comes to have to switch it when it comes to dating and relationships. dating and relationships. dating and relationships. >> Yeah. I always wanted to touch on just >> Yeah. I always wanted to touch on just >> Yeah. I always wanted to touch on just briefly on the top priorities. You briefly on the top priorities. You briefly on the top priorities. You mentioned this idea. Sometimes when I mentioned this idea. Sometimes when I mentioned this idea. Sometimes when I hear people's top priorities, my number hear people's top priorities, my number hear people's top priorities, my number one reaction is that doesn't make them a one reaction is that doesn't make them a one reaction is that doesn't make them a good partner. Mhm. good partner. Mhm. good partner. Mhm. >> So, for example, even the three you >> So, for example, even the three you >> So, for example, even the three you mentioned is what people may say, and I mentioned is what people may say, and I mentioned is what people may say, and I know they weren't things that you said know they weren't things that you said know they weren't things that you said or we were coming up with a list, but or we were coming up with a list, but or we were coming up with a list, but when I think about like someone being of when I think about like someone being of when I think about like someone being of the same faith, it's helpful, but I know the same faith, it's helpful, but I know the same faith, it's helpful, but I know lots of people in my faith that I would lots of people in my faith that I would lots of people in my faith that I would never have married. And so, the point is never have married. And so, the point is never have married. And so, the point is that doesn't make them better at being that doesn't make them better at being that doesn't make them better at being in a relationship. It just gives us some in a relationship. It just gives us some in a relationship. It just gives us some common ground. Or like even like liking common ground. Or like even like liking common ground. Or like even like liking animals or whatever it may be. And and animals or whatever it may be. And and animals or whatever it may be. And and and I know those were just scatter. and I know those were just scatter. and I know those were just scatter. Yeah. unless you're really clear about the unless you're really clear about the fact I don't want someone to have late fact I don't want someone to have late fact I don't want someone to have late nights and busy schedule if that's the nights and busy schedule if that's the nights and busy schedule if that's the reason. Um, but if it's a personality reason. Um, but if it's a personality reason. Um, but if it's a personality type attached to that career, I'm like, type attached to that career, I'm like, type attached to that career, I'm like, how do you even know that? Like people how do you even know that? Like people how do you even know that? Like people are so multifaceted, it's not possible are so multifaceted, it's not possible are so multifaceted, it's not possible that every doctor in the world is X or that every doctor in the world is X or that every doctor in the world is X or every, you know. So, so I guess my point every, you know. So, so I guess my point every, you know. So, so I guess my point is sometimes I worry with people's top is sometimes I worry with people's top is sometimes I worry with people's top priority list because if your top priority list because if your top priority list because if your top priority list doesn't make someone a priority list doesn't make someone a priority list doesn't make someone a better partner and better at better partner and better at better partner and better at relationships, it doesn't actually relationships, it doesn't actually relationships, it doesn't actually matter. matter. matter. >> I'll share the research on what does and >> I'll share the research on what does and >> I'll share the research on what does and doesn't matter for long-term doesn't matter for long-term doesn't matter for long-term relationship success. So the doesn't relationship success. So the doesn't relationship success. So the doesn't matter one are things that people think matter one are things that people think matter one are things that people think matter but matter less than people think matter but matter less than people think matter but matter less than people think they do. So the first one is looks. Of they do. So the first one is looks. Of they do. So the first one is looks. Of course you want to be attracted to your course you want to be attracted to your course you want to be attracted to your partner. Of course you want to have that partner. Of course you want to have that partner. Of course you want to have that chemistry with them. But what we know is chemistry with them. But what we know is chemistry with them. But what we know is that over time your feelings towards that over time your feelings towards that over time your feelings towards someone adapt. So you're really someone adapt. So you're really someone adapt. So you're really attracted to them in the beginning but attracted to them in the beginning but attracted to them in the beginning but over time you sort of get used to how over time you sort of get used to how over time you sort of get used to how they look. And this happens in many they look. And this happens in many they look. And this happens in many parts of life. There's this idea of parts of life. There's this idea of parts of life. There's this idea of adaptation. And it's why a year after adaptation. And it's why a year after adaptation. And it's why a year after winning the lottery, many people's winning the lottery, many people's winning the lottery, many people's happiness levels revert to what they happiness levels revert to what they happiness levels revert to what they were before they won the lottery. We were before they won the lottery. We were before they won the lottery. We sort of get used to what's around us. sort of get used to what's around us. sort of get used to what's around us. And that's also true for the second one, And that's also true for the second one, And that's also true for the second one, which is money. Yes, money makes things which is money. Yes, money makes things which is money. Yes, money makes things easier. Money can get rid of some easier. Money can get rid of some easier. Money can get rid of some problems in relationships and buy you problems in relationships and buy you problems in relationships and buy you some time back. But I think when people some time back. But I think when people some time back. But I think when people focus too much on money, they really focus too much on money, they really focus too much on money, they really miss out on the fact that it's not miss out on the fact that it's not miss out on the fact that it's not correlated with long-term relationship correlated with long-term relationship correlated with long-term relationship success. Other things that people success. Other things that people success. Other things that people mistakenly look for include having mistakenly look for include having mistakenly look for include having really similar personalities. Well, I really similar personalities. Well, I really similar personalities. Well, I know that two of me in a relationship know that two of me in a relationship know that two of me in a relationship would be way too much. Me, too. would be way too much. Me, too. would be way too much. Me, too. >> And two of my husband in a relationship >> And two of my husband in a relationship >> And two of my husband in a relationship might be too little. And so, it's might be too little. And so, it's might be too little. And so, it's actually great to find someone not who's actually great to find someone not who's actually great to find someone not who's the same as you, but someone who the same as you, but someone who the same as you, but someone who balances you. And the same thing is true balances you. And the same thing is true balances you. And the same thing is true with people who look for the same with people who look for the same with people who look for the same hobbies. Yes, maybe if you both love hobbies. Yes, maybe if you both love hobbies. Yes, maybe if you both love wine, that's great. But if you love wine wine, that's great. But if you love wine wine, that's great. But if you love wine and your partner doesn't, you can go and your partner doesn't, you can go and your partner doesn't, you can go have fun drinking wine with someone else have fun drinking wine with someone else have fun drinking wine with someone else as long as your partner doesn't judge as long as your partner doesn't judge as long as your partner doesn't judge you for it. Now, let's talk about the you for it. Now, let's talk about the you for it. Now, let's talk about the things that matter more than people things that matter more than people things that matter more than people think they do. So, the first one is think they do. So, the first one is think they do. So, the first one is kindness. And I think that this is just kindness. And I think that this is just kindness. And I think that this is just completely underestimated. And part of completely underestimated. And part of completely underestimated. And part of it is because it's not that easy on a it is because it's not that easy on a it is because it's not that easy on a dating app or just online to see dating app or just online to see dating app or just online to see someone's kindness. And so, when you're someone's kindness. And so, when you're someone's kindness. And so, when you're out on a date with them, I want you to out on a date with them, I want you to out on a date with them, I want you to look for things like how they treat the look for things like how they treat the look for things like how they treat the weight staff, how they treat people that weight staff, how they treat people that weight staff, how they treat people that they don't need anything from, even how they don't need anything from, even how they don't need anything from, even how they treat you. The second one is they treat you. The second one is they treat you. The second one is emotional stability. And this is really emotional stability. And this is really emotional stability. And this is really about someone who can get through a about someone who can get through a about someone who can get through a relationship and not react. That they relationship and not react. That they relationship and not react. That they can actually take a beat, see what the can actually take a beat, see what the can actually take a beat, see what the situation is, and really respond rather situation is, and really respond rather situation is, and really respond rather than react. And this is correlated with than react. And this is correlated with than react. And this is correlated with great relationships. And then some of great relationships. And then some of great relationships. And then some of the other ones are a growth mindset, the other ones are a growth mindset, the other ones are a growth mindset, something that I know you talk about on something that I know you talk about on something that I know you talk about on the show. And so someone who when the show. And so someone who when the show. And so someone who when they're met with a challenge, they can they're met with a challenge, they can they're met with a challenge, they can say, "Okay, well, I don't have that say, "Okay, well, I don't have that say, "Okay, well, I don't have that skill, but I'll create that skill." skill, but I'll create that skill." skill, but I'll create that skill." versus somebody with a fixed mindset who versus somebody with a fixed mindset who versus somebody with a fixed mindset who says, you know, you're born with the says, you know, you're born with the says, you know, you're born with the skills you have and like I'll never skills you have and like I'll never skills you have and like I'll never become good at that because I'm not good become good at that because I'm not good become good at that because I'm not good at that now. And then the ability to at that now. And then the ability to at that now. And then the ability to fight well together. So people think, fight well together. So people think, fight well together. So people think, oh, I want to find someone who I don't oh, I want to find someone who I don't oh, I want to find someone who I don't fight with at all. It's like no, fights fight with at all. It's like no, fights fight with at all. It's like no, fights are inevitable. And there's research are inevitable. And there's research are inevitable. And there's research from the Gottmans that says that 69% of from the Gottmans that says that 69% of from the Gottmans that says that 69% of the fights you have are perpetual. That the fights you have are perpetual. That the fights you have are perpetual. That means you're going to constantly fight means you're going to constantly fight means you're going to constantly fight about it for your whole relationship. about it for your whole relationship. about it for your whole relationship. like I'm an early bird and my husband is like I'm an early bird and my husband is like I'm an early bird and my husband is more of a late bird and like we always more of a late bird and like we always more of a late bird and like we always disagree about time and when we get to disagree about time and when we get to disagree about time and when we get to the airport and so it's about fighting the airport and so it's about fighting the airport and so it's about fighting well. It's not about not fighting. And well. It's not about not fighting. And well. It's not about not fighting. And then the final one which has become then the final one which has become then the final one which has become super important to me and as part of my super important to me and as part of my super important to me and as part of my questions of the post 88 that we'll talk questions of the post 88 that we'll talk questions of the post 88 that we'll talk about is what side of you that person about is what side of you that person about is what side of you that person brings out. And this is really crucial brings out. And this is really crucial brings out. And this is really crucial because so often we date someone for because so often we date someone for because so often we date someone for their resume, their bio data. We say, their resume, their bio data. We say, their resume, their bio data. We say, "He has all the qualities my mom told me "He has all the qualities my mom told me "He has all the qualities my mom told me to look for. He went to the right to look for. He went to the right to look for. He went to the right schools. He has the right job." But if schools. He has the right job." But if schools. He has the right job." But if when you show up, he makes you feel when you show up, he makes you feel when you show up, he makes you feel anxious or insecure or less than or he anxious or insecure or less than or he anxious or insecure or less than or he doesn't laugh at your jokes, which makes doesn't laugh at your jokes, which makes doesn't laugh at your jokes, which makes you think, "Oh, am I not as funny as I you think, "Oh, am I not as funny as I you think, "Oh, am I not as funny as I thought I was?" Pay attention to that. thought I was?" Pay attention to that. thought I was?" Pay attention to that. That is your body telling you that you That is your body telling you that you That is your body telling you that you don't feel comfortable with this person. don't feel comfortable with this person. don't feel comfortable with this person. And they're not bringing out the side of And they're not bringing out the side of And they're not bringing out the side of you who you want to be. Because whoever you who you want to be. Because whoever you who you want to be. Because whoever you marry, you're going to be the side you marry, you're going to be the side you marry, you're going to be the side of yourself that they bring out. And so of yourself that they bring out. And so of yourself that they bring out. And so so much of what I try to do is to help so much of what I try to do is to help so much of what I try to do is to help people tune into their nervous system people tune into their nervous system people tune into their nervous system and to how they feel on the date and and to how they feel on the date and and to how they feel on the date and after the date because who cares about after the date because who cares about after the date because who cares about the resume? Who cares about their job? the resume? Who cares about their job? the resume? Who cares about their job? Do you like who you are around them? Do you like who you are around them? Do you like who you are around them? Yeah, I love that you broke that down Yeah, I love that you broke that down Yeah, I love that you broke that down from a data perspective and it totally from a data perspective and it totally from a data perspective and it totally matches with what my intuition's been matches with what my intuition's been matches with what my intuition's been saying for so long because everything saying for so long because everything saying for so long because everything you mentioned in the second category are you mentioned in the second category are you mentioned in the second category are completely about how someone is in a completely about how someone is in a completely about how someone is in a relationship versus how someone is relationship versus how someone is relationship versus how someone is anywhere else in their life which just anywhere else in their life which just anywhere else in their life which just doesn't correlate. And I think so many doesn't correlate. And I think so many doesn't correlate. And I think so many people get into relationships because of people get into relationships because of people get into relationships because of all of the first script and we don't all of the first script and we don't all of the first script and we don't even think about the second until you're even think about the second until you're even think about the second until you're deep into it, engaged, married and then deep into it, engaged, married and then deep into it, engaged, married and then you go, "Wait a minute." Like this you go, "Wait a minute." Like this you go, "Wait a minute." Like this person isn't kind. Like one of my person isn't kind. Like one of my person isn't kind. Like one of my favorite things about my wife is that favorite things about my wife is that favorite things about my wife is that she doesn't judge me. she doesn't judge me. she doesn't judge me. >> Like that has to be one of the most >> Like that has to be one of the most >> Like that has to be one of the most freeing, most beautiful things is that I freeing, most beautiful things is that I freeing, most beautiful things is that I can try something. I can do this. I can can try something. I can do this. I can can try something. I can do this. I can be bad at this. I can be good at this be bad at this. I can be good at this be bad at this. I can be good at this and I don't feel judged. And that's like and I don't feel judged. And that's like and I don't feel judged. And that's like the ultimate experience of kindness the ultimate experience of kindness the ultimate experience of kindness where I don't feel like anything I do is where I don't feel like anything I do is where I don't feel like anything I do is judged whether I work too hard or work judged whether I work too hard or work judged whether I work too hard or work too little, whether I made a decision too little, whether I made a decision too little, whether I made a decision there or here. It's there's a sense of there or here. It's there's a sense of there or here. It's there's a sense of trust and there's a sense of uh trust and there's a sense of uh trust and there's a sense of uh commitment and there's a sense of commitment and there's a sense of commitment and there's a sense of understanding. At the same time, she's understanding. At the same time, she's understanding. At the same time, she's the first one to roast me and call me the first one to roast me and call me the first one to roast me and call me out if she wants to. And she's able to out if she wants to. And she's able to out if she wants to. And she's able to do that, too. And I think that feels so do that, too. And I think that feels so do that, too. And I think that feels so safe for me at least in in what kindness safe for me at least in in what kindness safe for me at least in in what kindness looks like. And I think of that as such looks like. And I think of that as such looks like. And I think of that as such an important thing to look for as you an important thing to look for as you an important thing to look for as you rightly pointed out from the data as rightly pointed out from the data as rightly pointed out from the data as opposed to like yeah do they are they opposed to like yeah do they are they opposed to like yeah do they are they this tall? Do they hang out in the same this tall? Do they hang out in the same this tall? Do they hang out in the same places as I do? Do they you know places as I do? Do they you know places as I do? Do they you know whatever else it may be that that comes whatever else it may be that that comes whatever else it may be that that comes up. What do you think is the biggest lie up. What do you think is the biggest lie up. What do you think is the biggest lie we've been sold in love? I would have to we've been sold in love? I would have to we've been sold in love? I would have to say that the biggest lie that we've been say that the biggest lie that we've been say that the biggest lie that we've been sold in love is this idea of the spark. sold in love is this idea of the spark. sold in love is this idea of the spark. And it's sort of become my unofficial And it's sort of become my unofficial And it's sort of become my unofficial tagline or motto which is the spark. And tagline or motto which is the spark. And tagline or motto which is the spark. And I really do believe this because I think I really do believe this because I think I really do believe this because I think that when people go on dates looking for that when people go on dates looking for that when people go on dates looking for instant chemistry, they often miss out instant chemistry, they often miss out instant chemistry, they often miss out on great potential partners. So the on great potential partners. So the on great potential partners. So the first myth of the spark is that if you first myth of the spark is that if you first myth of the spark is that if you don't feel it at the beginning, you'll don't feel it at the beginning, you'll don't feel it at the beginning, you'll never have it. And we know from the never have it. And we know from the never have it. And we know from the research that that's not true. So only research that that's not true. So only research that that's not true. So only 11% of people experience love at first 11% of people experience love at first 11% of people experience love at first sight with their partner. And so I think sight with their partner. And so I think sight with their partner. And so I think because of romcoms, because of Disney because of romcoms, because of Disney because of romcoms, because of Disney movies, we just sort of expect like I'll movies, we just sort of expect like I'll movies, we just sort of expect like I'll know it when I see it. He'll walk into know it when I see it. He'll walk into know it when I see it. He'll walk into the room. will catch eyes at the farmers the room. will catch eyes at the farmers the room. will catch eyes at the farmers market and will live happily ever after. market and will live happily ever after. market and will live happily ever after. And that's just not true. Like so many And that's just not true. Like so many And that's just not true. Like so many people are with someone who they spent people are with someone who they spent people are with someone who they spent time with. I just saw this funny meme time with. I just saw this funny meme time with. I just saw this funny meme yesterday that was like, "Your coworker yesterday that was like, "Your coworker yesterday that was like, "Your coworker isn't hot. You just spend 40 hours a isn't hot. You just spend 40 hours a isn't hot. You just spend 40 hours a week 10 ft from him." And I was like, week 10 ft from him." And I was like, week 10 ft from him." And I was like, "You nailed it." That's called the mere "You nailed it." That's called the mere "You nailed it." That's called the mere exposure effect. Often times the more exposure effect. Often times the more exposure effect. Often times the more times you're around someone or the more times you're around someone or the more times you're around someone or the more times you hear a song, the more you like times you hear a song, the more you like times you hear a song, the more you like it because you get more familiar with it because you get more familiar with it because you get more familiar with it. And so it's not true that if you it. And so it's not true that if you it. And so it's not true that if you don't feel the spark, you never will. don't feel the spark, you never will. don't feel the spark, you never will. The spark often does grow over time. The spark often does grow over time. The spark often does grow over time. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> And the second myth of the spark is that >> And the second myth of the spark is that >> And the second myth of the spark is that if you have it, it's a good thing. So if you have it, it's a good thing. So if you have it, it's a good thing. So sometimes the spark is a good thing and sometimes the spark is a good thing and sometimes the spark is a good thing and those people get married and have great those people get married and have great those people get married and have great relationships, but a lot of times it's relationships, but a lot of times it's relationships, but a lot of times it's actually our brains and our bodies actually our brains and our bodies actually our brains and our bodies giving off alarm bells like I feel giving off alarm bells like I feel giving off alarm bells like I feel insecure around this person. Does he insecure around this person. Does he insecure around this person. Does he like me? Does he not like me? And so we like me? Does he not like me? And so we like me? Does he not like me? And so we interpret it as chemistry when it's interpret it as chemistry when it's interpret it as chemistry when it's actually anxiety. And having done this actually anxiety. And having done this actually anxiety. And having done this research for a long time, I actually research for a long time, I actually research for a long time, I actually find that certain people are just really find that certain people are just really find that certain people are just really sparky. They're either really sparky. They're either really sparky. They're either really good-looking or sometimes it's that good-looking or sometimes it's that good-looking or sometimes it's that they're really narcissistic and they can they're really narcissistic and they can they're really narcissistic and they can really layer on the charm, but that really layer on the charm, but that really layer on the charm, but that doesn't mean that they're going to be doesn't mean that they're going to be doesn't mean that they're going to be good long-term partners. It just means good long-term partners. It just means good long-term partners. It just means that in the moment you felt this that in the moment you felt this that in the moment you felt this connection to them or this attraction to connection to them or this attraction to connection to them or this attraction to them. But sometimes that spark is them. But sometimes that spark is them. But sometimes that spark is actually the sign of anxiety and not actually the sign of anxiety and not actually the sign of anxiety and not knowing where you stand with them. knowing where you stand with them. knowing where you stand with them. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And the third thing, the third myth of >> And the third thing, the third myth of >> And the third thing, the third myth of the spark is that if you have it, then the spark is that if you have it, then the spark is that if you have it, then the relationship is viable. And that's the relationship is viable. And that's the relationship is viable. And that's also not true. I researched so many also not true. I researched so many also not true. I researched so many couples going into my book and for my couples going into my book and for my couples going into my book and for my other work that started with the spark. other work that started with the spark. other work that started with the spark. They really had it at the beginning and They really had it at the beginning and They really had it at the beginning and then they thought this is enough, but then they thought this is enough, but then they thought this is enough, but they fought all the time. They didn't they fought all the time. They didn't they fought all the time. They didn't have shared values. And so, yes, the have shared values. And so, yes, the have shared values. And so, yes, the spark can get you pretty far into a spark can get you pretty far into a spark can get you pretty far into a relationship, but it's not enough. And relationship, but it's not enough. And relationship, but it's not enough. And so, make sure that you don't get into so, make sure that you don't get into so, make sure that you don't get into the wrong relationship because you met the wrong relationship because you met the wrong relationship because you met the quote unquote right way. the quote unquote right way. the quote unquote right way. >> This is so refreshing to hear because I >> This is so refreshing to hear because I >> This is so refreshing to hear because I feel like it just shows the power of feel like it just shows the power of feel like it just shows the power of cultural conditioning and messaging. cultural conditioning and messaging. cultural conditioning and messaging. It's one of the reasons why uh we It's one of the reasons why uh we It's one of the reasons why uh we launched our production company Perfect launched our production company Perfect launched our production company Perfect Strangers last week because our goal was Strangers last week because our goal was Strangers last week because our goal was how do we create entertaining how do we create entertaining how do we create entertaining storytelling but that's actually based storytelling but that's actually based storytelling but that's actually based on reality so we can transform these on reality so we can transform these on reality so we can transform these messages because like you said we've all messages because like you said we've all messages because like you said we've all grown up watching two people lock eyes grown up watching two people lock eyes grown up watching two people lock eyes and everything makes sense or drive off and everything makes sense or drive off and everything makes sense or drive off with the happily ever after and that's with the happily ever after and that's with the happily ever after and that's what we want and that's what I wanted what we want and that's what I wanted what we want and that's what I wanted quite frankly like that's what I was quite frankly like that's what I was quite frankly like that's what I was looking for when I was a teenager and I looking for when I was a teenager and I looking for when I was a teenager and I always believed that that's what love always believed that that's what love always believed that that's what love was and now feeling like I'm in love and was and now feeling like I'm in love and was and now feeling like I'm in love and being in a loving relationship that's being in a loving relationship that's being in a loving relationship that's evolving. I don't think that's what evolving. I don't think that's what evolving. I don't think that's what love's like at all. But it's hard when love's like at all. But it's hard when love's like at all. But it's hard when you're dating and you're hoping for it you're dating and you're hoping for it you're dating and you're hoping for it and you're going to all these dates and and you're going to all these dates and and you're going to all these dates and you're like, "Well, that was boring. you're like, "Well, that was boring. you're like, "Well, that was boring. That wasn't fun enough." And then you go That wasn't fun enough." And then you go That wasn't fun enough." And then you go and even if you're watching a TV show, a and even if you're watching a TV show, a and even if you're watching a TV show, a reality show, which isn't real. Like reality show, which isn't real. Like reality show, which isn't real. Like it's based on an island in the middle of it's based on an island in the middle of it's based on an island in the middle of nowhere, everyone's in bikinis and nowhere, everyone's in bikinis and nowhere, everyone's in bikinis and whatever. And it's like that's not real whatever. And it's like that's not real whatever. And it's like that's not real life. life. life. >> And so how is that going to, you know, >> And so how is that going to, you know, >> And so how is that going to, you know, it's the mind? It's the kind of like the it's the mind? It's the kind of like the it's the mind? It's the kind of like the the seeds of ideas that are planted in the seeds of ideas that are planted in the seeds of ideas that are planted in all of our minds of what healthy love all of our minds of what healthy love all of our minds of what healthy love looks like. You actually never see looks like. You actually never see looks like. You actually never see healthy love because it's just happening healthy love because it's just happening healthy love because it's just happening behind closed doors inside someone's behind closed doors inside someone's behind closed doors inside someone's house. They're not broadcasting it, house. They're not broadcasting it, house. They're not broadcasting it, >> right? It's not as fun on a TV show to >> right? It's not as fun on a TV show to >> right? It's not as fun on a TV show to see like the day in and day out work see like the day in and day out work see like the day in and day out work that people have to do. And it's the that people have to do. And it's the that people have to do. And it's the hard conversation that you have to have. hard conversation that you have to have. hard conversation that you have to have. It's supporting a partner when they're It's supporting a partner when they're It's supporting a partner when they're going through depression or ailing going through depression or ailing going through depression or ailing parents. It's just not as cinematic. And parents. It's just not as cinematic. And parents. It's just not as cinematic. And like what is cinematic is two people like what is cinematic is two people like what is cinematic is two people meeting each other. But we've become so meeting each other. But we've become so meeting each other. But we've become so obsessed with the we met. And if you obsessed with the we met. And if you obsessed with the we met. And if you meet someone and you're with them for 50 meet someone and you're with them for 50 meet someone and you're with them for 50 years, the day you met is 0.005% years, the day you met is 0.005% years, the day you met is 0.005% of your total relationship. And so when of your total relationship. And so when of your total relationship. And so when you hear that, you're like, who cares you hear that, you're like, who cares you hear that, you're like, who cares about the we met? But people want to say about the we met? But people want to say about the we met? But people want to say at the dinner party, well, I was at the at the dinner party, well, I was at the at the dinner party, well, I was at the library and I was returning a book and library and I was returning a book and library and I was returning a book and he was looking for the same book. And he was looking for the same book. And he was looking for the same book. And it's like, yes, that is cute and that is it's like, yes, that is cute and that is it's like, yes, that is cute and that is romantic, but what's romantic is the romantic, but what's romantic is the romantic, but what's romantic is the fact that you met and you're making a fact that you met and you're making a fact that you met and you're making a great relationship, not really based on great relationship, not really based on great relationship, not really based on how you met. how you met. how you met. >> Yeah. Yeah. Let's let's talk about >> Yeah. Yeah. Let's let's talk about >> Yeah. Yeah. Let's let's talk about dating apps because that is how the dating apps because that is how the dating apps because that is how the majority of people are meeting today as majority of people are meeting today as majority of people are meeting today as far as I know statistically. Is that far as I know statistically. Is that far as I know statistically. Is that true? true? true? >> Yeah. So, since 2017, there's research >> Yeah. So, since 2017, there's research >> Yeah. So, since 2017, there's research from Michael Rosenfeld at Stanford that from Michael Rosenfeld at Stanford that from Michael Rosenfeld at Stanford that shows that meeting online is the number shows that meeting online is the number shows that meeting online is the number one way that couples meet. one way that couples meet. one way that couples meet. >> Yeah. Right. So, so that's we have to >> Yeah. Right. So, so that's we have to >> Yeah. Right. So, so that's we have to talk about it. talk about it. talk about it. >> Let's do it. Do dating apps make us feel >> Let's do it. Do dating apps make us feel >> Let's do it. Do dating apps make us feel like we're replaceable? like we're replaceable? like we're replaceable? >> I think that there is a big sense of the >> I think that there is a big sense of the >> I think that there is a big sense of the paradox of choice. This idea that when paradox of choice. This idea that when paradox of choice. This idea that when we have so many options, we don't value we have so many options, we don't value we have so many options, we don't value each one as much or that we regret our each one as much or that we regret our each one as much or that we regret our decision. And so I think the best part decision. And so I think the best part decision. And so I think the best part of dating apps is that it's a lot easier of dating apps is that it's a lot easier of dating apps is that it's a lot easier to find someone, especially if you're in to find someone, especially if you're in to find someone, especially if you're in what we call a thin market. So daters what we call a thin market. So daters what we call a thin market. So daters over 55, LGBTQ plus daters, someone over 55, LGBTQ plus daters, someone over 55, LGBTQ plus daters, someone where it might have been hard to go where it might have been hard to go where it might have been hard to go around your community and say, "Well, around your community and say, "Well, around your community and say, "Well, who's single and who's looking for who's single and who's looking for who's single and who's looking for someone like me?" And so it really does someone like me?" And so it really does someone like me?" And so it really does a good job at connecting people who a good job at connecting people who a good job at connecting people who wouldn't have met otherwise. But I do wouldn't have met otherwise. But I do wouldn't have met otherwise. But I do think it introduces this idea of many think it introduces this idea of many think it introduces this idea of many choices and people are struggling with choices and people are struggling with choices and people are struggling with that. that. that. >> If you're at the opposite end where >> If you're at the opposite end where >> If you're at the opposite end where you're getting zero matches on a dating you're getting zero matches on a dating you're getting zero matches on a dating app, how do you fix that? Where would app, how do you fix that? Where would app, how do you fix that? Where would you suggest people start? The number one you suggest people start? The number one you suggest people start? The number one thing to do if you are having trouble thing to do if you are having trouble thing to do if you are having trouble getting matches is to fix your profile. getting matches is to fix your profile. getting matches is to fix your profile. And your profile is essentially like And your profile is essentially like And your profile is essentially like your billboard. And it's this one chance your billboard. And it's this one chance your billboard. And it's this one chance with limited real estate to share who with limited real estate to share who with limited real estate to share who you are and what you're about. And I can you are and what you're about. And I can you are and what you're about. And I can share some of the top tips we found at share some of the top tips we found at share some of the top tips we found at Hinge for making a great profile. Hinge for making a great profile. Hinge for making a great profile. >> Yeah, please. >> Yeah, please. >> Yeah, please. >> So, the first thing is that your first >> So, the first thing is that your first >> So, the first thing is that your first photo is so important. Just from photo is so important. Just from photo is so important. Just from watching people go through profiles, I watching people go through profiles, I watching people go through profiles, I can tell you that what they do is they can tell you that what they do is they can tell you that what they do is they look at the first picture. they decide look at the first picture. they decide look at the first picture. they decide if they like you or not and then based if they like you or not and then based if they like you or not and then based on that they keep looking. So the first on that they keep looking. So the first on that they keep looking. So the first picture really matters a ton and you picture really matters a ton and you picture really matters a ton and you want one that's a clear head shot. Uh want one that's a clear head shot. Uh want one that's a clear head shot. Uh doesn't have to be a professional headsh doesn't have to be a professional headsh doesn't have to be a professional headsh shot but I can see what you look like. shot but I can see what you look like. shot but I can see what you look like. You're not wearing sunglasses. There's You're not wearing sunglasses. There's You're not wearing sunglasses. There's no shadow. There's no filter. Just show no shadow. There's no filter. Just show no shadow. There's no filter. Just show me what you look like. That's really me what you look like. That's really me what you look like. That's really where to start. And obviously it should where to start. And obviously it should where to start. And obviously it should be flattering. Then you want to have a be flattering. Then you want to have a be flattering. Then you want to have a variety of photos that show me different variety of photos that show me different variety of photos that show me different parts of yourself. So it's almost like parts of yourself. So it's almost like parts of yourself. So it's almost like show me the story of who you are. A show me the story of who you are. A show me the story of who you are. A mistake that I see people making a lot mistake that I see people making a lot mistake that I see people making a lot is, you know, if a guy likes anime, is, you know, if a guy likes anime, is, you know, if a guy likes anime, he'll write about that on his Hinge he'll write about that on his Hinge he'll write about that on his Hinge profile, have have photos from anime, profile, have have photos from anime, profile, have have photos from anime, and it's like, got it, you love anime. and it's like, got it, you love anime. and it's like, got it, you love anime. Hopefully, the next person does, too. Hopefully, the next person does, too. Hopefully, the next person does, too. But like, isn't there more to you? Show But like, isn't there more to you? Show But like, isn't there more to you? Show me more variety. And so, you want to me more variety. And so, you want to me more variety. And so, you want to have the first head shot and you want to have the first head shot and you want to have the first head shot and you want to have a photo of you doing an activity have a photo of you doing an activity have a photo of you doing an activity that you love. So, it could be cooking, that you love. So, it could be cooking, that you love. So, it could be cooking, hiking, you know, my friend is a hiking, you know, my friend is a hiking, you know, my friend is a magician. He has a picture of himself on magician. He has a picture of himself on magician. He has a picture of himself on stage. Then, you also want to have a stage. Then, you also want to have a stage. Then, you also want to have a full body shot. Some people don't like full body shot. Some people don't like full body shot. Some people don't like that, but it's true. People are looking that, but it's true. People are looking that, but it's true. People are looking for what you look like. And then you for what you look like. And then you for what you look like. And then you want to have one with friends and want to have one with friends and want to have one with friends and family. Give me a sense of what it would family. Give me a sense of what it would family. Give me a sense of what it would be like to date you. Show me that you be like to date you. Show me that you be like to date you. Show me that you have people that care about you and that have people that care about you and that have people that care about you and that you spend time with. And then for your you spend time with. And then for your you spend time with. And then for your prompts on Hinge, you want a mixture of prompts on Hinge, you want a mixture of prompts on Hinge, you want a mixture of humor and vulnerability. So, you know, humor and vulnerability. So, you know, humor and vulnerability. So, you know, if you love dad jokes, include that. I if you love dad jokes, include that. I if you love dad jokes, include that. I love Unhinge. There's voice prompts love Unhinge. There's voice prompts love Unhinge. There's voice prompts where you can record something funny. where you can record something funny. where you can record something funny. So, my friend has one where the prompt So, my friend has one where the prompt So, my friend has one where the prompt is, "How to pronounce my name?" And then is, "How to pronounce my name?" And then is, "How to pronounce my name?" And then he says, "Joe." he says, "Joe." he says, "Joe." >> And obviously, you know, some people >> And obviously, you know, some people >> And obviously, you know, some people write back and they're like, "What? You write back and they're like, "What? You write back and they're like, "What? You think I don't know how to pronounce his think I don't know how to pronounce his think I don't know how to pronounce his name Joe?" And he's like, "Not for me." name Joe?" And he's like, "Not for me." name Joe?" And he's like, "Not for me." And other people are like, "I love your And other people are like, "I love your And other people are like, "I love your sense of humor." And so, I think that's sense of humor." And so, I think that's sense of humor." And so, I think that's like perfect. And that actually leads me like perfect. And that actually leads me like perfect. And that actually leads me to a big point around profiles, which is to a big point around profiles, which is to a big point around profiles, which is that you don't want to attract everyone. that you don't want to attract everyone. that you don't want to attract everyone. You don't want to be chocolate ice cream You don't want to be chocolate ice cream You don't want to be chocolate ice cream that everyone likes. You want to be, you that everyone likes. You want to be, you that everyone likes. You want to be, you know, mint chip. You want to be know, mint chip. You want to be know, mint chip. You want to be something that some people like and some something that some people like and some something that some people like and some people don't like. And in our research people don't like. And in our research people don't like. And in our research at Hinge, we actually found this where at Hinge, we actually found this where at Hinge, we actually found this where we did an experiment. This wasn't on we did an experiment. This wasn't on we did an experiment. This wasn't on Hinge. It was like with different people Hinge. It was like with different people Hinge. It was like with different people and they knew they were participating and they knew they were participating and they knew they were participating where some people wrote on their where some people wrote on their where some people wrote on their profiles really specifically that they profiles really specifically that they profiles really specifically that they were looking for something serious and were looking for something serious and were looking for something serious and other people wrote that they're, you other people wrote that they're, you other people wrote that they're, you know, just looking for someone kind and know, just looking for someone kind and know, just looking for someone kind and adventurous. And what we found was for adventurous. And what we found was for adventurous. And what we found was for the people who wanted something serious, the people who wanted something serious, the people who wanted something serious, they liked those more serious profiles they liked those more serious profiles they liked those more serious profiles way more. And the people who weren't way more. And the people who weren't way more. And the people who weren't looking for something serious were looking for something serious were looking for something serious were turned off by their profiles. And that turned off by their profiles. And that turned off by their profiles. And that is exactly what you want. You want to is exactly what you want. You want to is exactly what you want. You want to turn the right people on and the wrong turn the right people on and the wrong turn the right people on and the wrong people off. You want fewer options, but people off. You want fewer options, but people off. You want fewer options, but you want those options to be really you want those options to be really you want those options to be really aligned with what you're looking for. aligned with what you're looking for. aligned with what you're looking for. >> Yeah, that's great. And you can really >> Yeah, that's great. And you can really >> Yeah, that's great. And you can really then filter out the nonsense cuz if you then filter out the nonsense cuz if you then filter out the nonsense cuz if you want something serious, why waste time? want something serious, why waste time? want something serious, why waste time? >> Yes. It's not a popularity contest. It's >> Yes. It's not a popularity contest. It's >> Yes. It's not a popularity contest. It's not to get the most likes. It's really not to get the most likes. It's really not to get the most likes. It's really be more efficient. Match with the people be more efficient. Match with the people be more efficient. Match with the people who want what you want. On Hinge, we who want what you want. On Hinge, we who want what you want. On Hinge, we have dating intentions where you can say have dating intentions where you can say have dating intentions where you can say looking for long-term, short-term, like looking for long-term, short-term, like looking for long-term, short-term, like just get more specific about what you're just get more specific about what you're just get more specific about what you're looking for. And then the right people looking for. And then the right people looking for. And then the right people are going to find you. If you're trying are going to find you. If you're trying are going to find you. If you're trying to be, you know, the golden retriever to be, you know, the golden retriever to be, you know, the golden retriever that everyone likes, it's just harder to that everyone likes, it's just harder to that everyone likes, it's just harder to actually find the right match. actually find the right match. actually find the right match. >> Yeah. I want to try something with you. >> Yeah. I want to try something with you. >> Yeah. I want to try something with you. >> Sure. >> Sure. >> Sure. We have two hinge dating profiles where We have two hinge dating profiles where We have two hinge dating profiles where we've got permission from the we've got permission from the we've got permission from the individuals for their face to be used in individuals for their face to be used in individuals for their face to be used in their pictures. And I'm going to pass their pictures. And I'm going to pass their pictures. And I'm going to pass this to you in a second and I want you this to you in a second and I want you this to you in a second and I want you to rate them and help them based on the to rate them and help them based on the to rate them and help them based on the scale you just told us what we can do. scale you just told us what we can do. scale you just told us what we can do. Right. So there's there's one guy and Right. So there's there's one guy and Right. So there's there's one guy and one girl. So I'm going to show you this one girl. So I'm going to show you this one girl. So I'm going to show you this one. one. one. >> Wait, I thought this was Will Arnette. >> Wait, I thought this was Will Arnette. >> Wait, I thought this was Will Arnette. >> No, that's it's not. It's not. >> No, that's it's not. It's not. >> No, that's it's not. It's not. >> Oh my god, it looks that's so funny. >> Oh my god, it looks that's so funny. >> Oh my god, it looks that's so funny. >> It's not Will Arnette. Okay. So, the >> It's not Will Arnette. Okay. So, the >> It's not Will Arnette. Okay. So, the first picture I would say it's not a first picture I would say it's not a first picture I would say it's not a head shot, but it's, you know, I do get head shot, but it's, you know, I do get head shot, but it's, you know, I do get a sense of what this person looks like. a sense of what this person looks like. a sense of what this person looks like. There's good lighting. Um, I feel like There's good lighting. Um, I feel like There's good lighting. Um, I feel like the body language is a little closed the body language is a little closed the body language is a little closed off. Just like standing in that way, off. Just like standing in that way, off. Just like standing in that way, arms um in front of you to me, you know, arms um in front of you to me, you know, arms um in front of you to me, you know, I'm not Vanessa Van Edwards, but I feel I'm not Vanessa Van Edwards, but I feel I'm not Vanessa Van Edwards, but I feel like it kind of gives me a sense of like it kind of gives me a sense of like it kind of gives me a sense of someone who's like a little more timid, someone who's like a little more timid, someone who's like a little more timid, not as confident. Um, but I think that not as confident. Um, but I think that not as confident. Um, but I think that the first Verto is okay, but let's see the first Verto is okay, but let's see the first Verto is okay, but let's see the rest of the profile. the rest of the profile. the rest of the profile. >> Okay, good. That's helpful. >> Okay, good. That's helpful. >> Okay, good. That's helpful. >> Okay, a random fact I love is that honey >> Okay, a random fact I love is that honey >> Okay, a random fact I love is that honey never expires. never expires. never expires. I just don't love that prompt. It's not I just don't love that prompt. It's not I just don't love that prompt. It's not one of my favorites because it doesn't one of my favorites because it doesn't one of my favorites because it doesn't show me anything about who you are. And show me anything about who you are. And show me anything about who you are. And I like to think about um your profile I like to think about um your profile I like to think about um your profile not just as what you write, but even the not just as what you write, but even the not just as what you write, but even the prompts you choose to respond to. And I prompts you choose to respond to. And I prompts you choose to respond to. And I like to think about it as almost like a like to think about it as almost like a like to think about it as almost like a menu at a restaurant. You should choose menu at a restaurant. You should choose menu at a restaurant. You should choose a prompt that shows who you are. you a prompt that shows who you are. you a prompt that shows who you are. you should choose a prompt that shows what should choose a prompt that shows what should choose a prompt that shows what you're looking for. And so I think a you're looking for. And so I think a you're looking for. And so I think a random fact, it's like, okay, maybe random fact, it's like, okay, maybe random fact, it's like, okay, maybe that's a good conversation starter where that's a good conversation starter where that's a good conversation starter where someone can say, I didn't realize that, someone can say, I didn't realize that, someone can say, I didn't realize that, but it's just not that revealing. And but it's just not that revealing. And but it's just not that revealing. And even being towards the top of the even being towards the top of the even being towards the top of the profile, I kind of feel like it's a profile, I kind of feel like it's a profile, I kind of feel like it's a little bit of a waste of special special little bit of a waste of special special little bit of a waste of special special real estate. real estate. real estate. >> Love how honest you are. This is very >> Love how honest you are. This is very >> Love how honest you are. This is very useful. This is very helpful. useful. This is very helpful. useful. This is very helpful. >> It never crosses my mind to not be >> It never crosses my mind to not be >> It never crosses my mind to not be honest. honest. honest. >> No, but it's very helpful cuz I think >> No, but it's very helpful cuz I think >> No, but it's very helpful cuz I think these are the things that we all trip these are the things that we all trip these are the things that we all trip ourselves up for. We want to help them ourselves up for. We want to help them ourselves up for. We want to help them find love. So, find love. So, find love. So, >> for sure. Okay, so this one is >> for sure. Okay, so this one is >> for sure. Okay, so this one is interesting. So for work they said interesting. So for work they said interesting. So for work they said entertainment. So one thing I've seen in entertainment. So one thing I've seen in entertainment. So one thing I've seen in talking to a lot of people about their talking to a lot of people about their talking to a lot of people about their profiles is that or sorry talking to profiles is that or sorry talking to profiles is that or sorry talking to people who look at profiles is that when people who look at profiles is that when people who look at profiles is that when someone's too vague people often jump to someone's too vague people often jump to someone's too vague people often jump to negative assumptions. So I worked with a negative assumptions. So I worked with a negative assumptions. So I worked with a client who said and this is in the Bay client who said and this is in the Bay client who said and this is in the Bay Area if a guy says entrepreneur I assume Area if a guy says entrepreneur I assume Area if a guy says entrepreneur I assume he's unemployed and I swipe left. And I he's unemployed and I swipe left. And I he's unemployed and I swipe left. And I was like what? Like there's just so many was like what? Like there's just so many was like what? Like there's just so many ways of being an entrepreneur. And so ways of being an entrepreneur. And so ways of being an entrepreneur. And so what I would say is my advice for him is what I would say is my advice for him is what I would say is my advice for him is to maybe be a little more specific to maybe be a little more specific to maybe be a little more specific because people might just assume the because people might just assume the because people might just assume the wrong thing. And my advice to people wrong thing. And my advice to people wrong thing. And my advice to people viewing this profile or other profiles viewing this profile or other profiles viewing this profile or other profiles would be if there's something that gives would be if there's something that gives would be if there's something that gives you a yellow flag, don't just swipe left you a yellow flag, don't just swipe left you a yellow flag, don't just swipe left or say no. Actually ask instead of or say no. Actually ask instead of or say no. Actually ask instead of assume. Okay. So, this next one, um, assume. Okay. So, this next one, um, assume. Okay. So, this next one, um, wearing the suit, I think what I get wearing the suit, I think what I get wearing the suit, I think what I get from it is that, um, I kind of get the from it is that, um, I kind of get the from it is that, um, I kind of get the same thing as I do from the first one. same thing as I do from the first one. same thing as I do from the first one. Like, he's making a very similar Like, he's making a very similar Like, he's making a very similar expression. It's kind of shot from a expression. It's kind of shot from a expression. It's kind of shot from a similar angle. He's not really smiling. similar angle. He's not really smiling. similar angle. He's not really smiling. I feel like it just it's a cute suit, I feel like it just it's a cute suit, I feel like it just it's a cute suit, but I don't get that much more but I don't get that much more but I don't get that much more information. information. information. Okay, the next one. Oh, this guy likes Okay, the next one. Oh, this guy likes Okay, the next one. Oh, this guy likes women, right? Was I making an women, right? Was I making an women, right? Was I making an assumption? assumption? assumption? Okay, the next one is with him and his Okay, the next one is with him and his Okay, the next one is with him and his friend. I I like it because I think friend. I I like it because I think friend. I I like it because I think there's an intimacy there. Um, it looks there's an intimacy there. Um, it looks there's an intimacy there. Um, it looks like he's wearing a cross necklace, like he's wearing a cross necklace, like he's wearing a cross necklace, which maybe gives me some more which maybe gives me some more which maybe gives me some more information. He's sort of making the information. He's sort of making the information. He's sort of making the same smile with no teeth. Um, I think same smile with no teeth. Um, I think same smile with no teeth. Um, I think that one's okay. And then, green flags, that one's okay. And then, green flags, that one's okay. And then, green flags, I look for appreciating sarcasm. I look for appreciating sarcasm. I look for appreciating sarcasm. I really don't like that one. We know I really don't like that one. We know I really don't like that one. We know there's a lot of Hinge app cliches and there's a lot of Hinge app cliches and there's a lot of Hinge app cliches and one of them is the one I'm fluent in one of them is the one I'm fluent in one of them is the one I'm fluent in sarcasm. I think this is similar where sarcasm. I think this is similar where sarcasm. I think this is similar where it's just like I don't really learn that it's just like I don't really learn that it's just like I don't really learn that much about you. There's not a lot of much about you. There's not a lot of much about you. There's not a lot of detail. It kind of just makes you fade detail. It kind of just makes you fade detail. It kind of just makes you fade into the background. Okay, the next one into the background. Okay, the next one into the background. Okay, the next one I really don't like. He's looking away I really don't like. He's looking away I really don't like. He's looking away from the camera. I can't really see his from the camera. I can't really see his from the camera. I can't really see his face. face. face. To me, that picture kind of like pushes To me, that picture kind of like pushes To me, that picture kind of like pushes me away versus draws me in. Sorry, I'm me away versus draws me in. Sorry, I'm me away versus draws me in. Sorry, I'm being mean to this guy, but it's like being mean to this guy, but it's like being mean to this guy, but it's like there's a lot room for improvement. there's a lot room for improvement. there's a lot room for improvement. We're hoping that he can actually He's We're hoping that he can actually He's We're hoping that he can actually He's getting This is like the This is gold getting This is like the This is gold getting This is like the This is gold dust. You're getting direct advice from dust. You're getting direct advice from dust. You're getting direct advice from >> the next one. My greatest my greatest >> the next one. My greatest my greatest >> the next one. My greatest my greatest strength picking the spot. I'm just strength picking the spot. I'm just strength picking the spot. I'm just like, bro, there's so much more that you like, bro, there's so much more that you like, bro, there's so much more that you could say here. Just get specific. could say here. Just get specific. could say here. Just get specific. There's this rule in comedy that the There's this rule in comedy that the There's this rule in comedy that the specific is the universal. The more specific is the universal. The more specific is the universal. The more specific you are, the more people will specific you are, the more people will specific you are, the more people will actually relate to it and the funnier it actually relate to it and the funnier it actually relate to it and the funnier it is. And I'm just like, this is so vague. is. And I'm just like, this is so vague. is. And I'm just like, this is so vague. Picking the spot for what. And then the Picking the spot for what. And then the Picking the spot for what. And then the next one is a video of him playing next one is a video of him playing next one is a video of him playing tennis. tennis. tennis. You know, I like that it's, you know, You know, I like that it's, you know, You know, I like that it's, you know, someone doing an activity you love, but someone doing an activity you love, but someone doing an activity you love, but it's like, it's from behind. Could it it's like, it's from behind. Could it it's like, it's from behind. Could it have perhaps shown you from the front? have perhaps shown you from the front? have perhaps shown you from the front? And so guys especially tell me like, I And so guys especially tell me like, I And so guys especially tell me like, I don't have better pictures or like I don't have better pictures or like I don't have better pictures or like I don't go around asking my friends to don't go around asking my friends to don't go around asking my friends to take pictures of me. I know our friend take pictures of me. I know our friend take pictures of me. I know our friend Jared Freed in his special um 37 and Jared Freed in his special um 37 and Jared Freed in his special um 37 and single, he's just like talking about how single, he's just like talking about how single, he's just like talking about how like imagine if guys were like girls like imagine if guys were like girls like imagine if guys were like girls like at the bachelor party like, "Okay, like at the bachelor party like, "Okay, like at the bachelor party like, "Okay, take a picture of me here." But still take a picture of me here." But still take a picture of me here." But still guys like step it up. And then, you guys like step it up. And then, you guys like step it up. And then, you know, I think I don't mind the tennis know, I think I don't mind the tennis know, I think I don't mind the tennis one. Um, but I would much prefer it if one. Um, but I would much prefer it if one. Um, but I would much prefer it if it was from the front. And then the last it was from the front. And then the last it was from the front. And then the last one is him with his friends. And I'm one is him with his friends. And I'm one is him with his friends. And I'm kind of like, okay, I see the crew. So, kind of like, okay, I see the crew. So, kind of like, okay, I see the crew. So, going back to the top, what I would say going back to the top, what I would say going back to the top, what I would say is I want you to find a better first is I want you to find a better first is I want you to find a better first photo that really shows you headshot photo that really shows you headshot photo that really shows you headshot style clearly what you look like. And I style clearly what you look like. And I style clearly what you look like. And I don't really see you smiling with your don't really see you smiling with your don't really see you smiling with your teeth much, but I would love to see one teeth much, but I would love to see one teeth much, but I would love to see one of those. I want you to just start from of those. I want you to just start from of those. I want you to just start from scratch on the prompts. I want you to scratch on the prompts. I want you to scratch on the prompts. I want you to give more specific answers, longer give more specific answers, longer give more specific answers, longer answers. I want to have a clearer sense answers. I want to have a clearer sense answers. I want to have a clearer sense of who you are, what you're about, what of who you are, what you're about, what of who you are, what you're about, what you want. And I would maybe keep one of you want. And I would maybe keep one of you want. And I would maybe keep one of the more professionallook photos. Either the more professionallook photos. Either the more professionallook photos. Either the first one or the one in the suit. the first one or the one in the suit. the first one or the one in the suit. Um, I like the ones of you and your Um, I like the ones of you and your Um, I like the ones of you and your friends, but I would maybe choose No, I friends, but I would maybe choose No, I friends, but I would maybe choose No, I actually like both of them. I think the actually like both of them. I think the actually like both of them. I think the tennis one. Can you try to get one where tennis one. Can you try to get one where tennis one. Can you try to get one where I can see your face? And um, yeah, just I can see your face? And um, yeah, just I can see your face? And um, yeah, just add more specificity and tell me more add more specificity and tell me more add more specificity and tell me more about what you're looking for because about what you're looking for because about what you're looking for because right now I think this profile feels right now I think this profile feels right now I think this profile feels generic and I think we could make it generic and I think we could make it generic and I think we could make it more specific. more specific. more specific. >> Great advice. So, and and is there a >> Great advice. So, and and is there a >> Great advice. So, and and is there a need to rate you on a scale of 1 to 10 need to rate you on a scale of 1 to 10 need to rate you on a scale of 1 to 10 or not really? I don't because I don't or not really? I don't because I don't or not really? I don't because I don't know him. It's harder for me to do that. know him. It's harder for me to do that. know him. It's harder for me to do that. Like in my coaching, a big conversation Like in my coaching, a big conversation Like in my coaching, a big conversation I have with people is I say, I have with people is I say, I have with people is I say, >> "This profile doesn't match the person >> "This profile doesn't match the person >> "This profile doesn't match the person I'm seeing in front of me." Like, I'm seeing in front of me." Like, I'm seeing in front of me." Like, "You're so vibrant. You're so funny. I "You're so vibrant. You're so funny. I "You're so vibrant. You're so funny. I don't see that here." And a great don't see that here." And a great don't see that here." And a great achievement for me in coaching was when achievement for me in coaching was when achievement for me in coaching was when I had this client and he was South Asian I had this client and he was South Asian I had this client and he was South Asian and people often put him in a box. They and people often put him in a box. They and people often put him in a box. They were like, "South Asian engineer, like I were like, "South Asian engineer, like I were like, "South Asian engineer, like I know everything about him." And then I know everything about him." And then I know everything about him." And then I was like, "He's actually so silly." and was like, "He's actually so silly." and was like, "He's actually so silly." and we made his profile extremely silly and we made his profile extremely silly and we made his profile extremely silly and we added videos of him wearing different we added videos of him wearing different we added videos of him wearing different costumes and we really played that up. costumes and we really played that up. costumes and we really played that up. And then a few years after we stopped And then a few years after we stopped And then a few years after we stopped working together, he sent me a text that working together, he sent me a text that working together, he sent me a text that he was engaged and that the person that he was engaged and that the person that he was engaged and that the person that he had gotten engaged to had first liked he had gotten engaged to had first liked he had gotten engaged to had first liked his hinge video of him being really his hinge video of him being really his hinge video of him being really silly. And it's like by being more clear silly. And it's like by being more clear silly. And it's like by being more clear about who he was, you couldn't put him about who he was, you couldn't put him about who he was, you couldn't put him in a box. You could actually see who he in a box. You could actually see who he in a box. You could actually see who he was. And so I don't have a rating for was. And so I don't have a rating for was. And so I don't have a rating for this profile because I don't know the this profile because I don't know the this profile because I don't know the person. So, I don't know how true to person. So, I don't know how true to person. So, I don't know how true to life this is, but I think there's a lot life this is, but I think there's a lot life this is, but I think there's a lot of room for improvement and just of room for improvement and just of room for improvement and just >> be more shal. >> be more shal. >> be more shal. >> Yeah, I love it. Great advice. So, now >> Yeah, I love it. Great advice. So, now >> Yeah, I love it. Great advice. So, now I'm going to hand you another profile I'm going to hand you another profile I'm going to hand you another profile list of a woman and I'd love to see what list of a woman and I'd love to see what list of a woman and I'd love to see what you have to say. you have to say. you have to say. >> Great. It's funny because I just >> Great. It's funny because I just >> Great. It's funny because I just sometimes feel like women are way better sometimes feel like women are way better sometimes feel like women are way better at profiles because they just have so at profiles because they just have so at profiles because they just have so many more photos of them and they're many more photos of them and they're many more photos of them and they're probably more comfortable asking their probably more comfortable asking their probably more comfortable asking their friends. So, maybe first I'm just gonna friends. So, maybe first I'm just gonna friends. So, maybe first I'm just gonna look at the whole thing to get a vibe look at the whole thing to get a vibe look at the whole thing to get a vibe and then I'll have some comments. So, and then I'll have some comments. So, and then I'll have some comments. So, first photo, I really like it. Like, I first photo, I really like it. Like, I first photo, I really like it. Like, I love the lighting. I like the vibe. I love the lighting. I like the vibe. I love the lighting. I like the vibe. I like her smile. You know, it could like her smile. You know, it could like her smile. You know, it could potentially be cropped in a little bit potentially be cropped in a little bit potentially be cropped in a little bit more. There's like a little more visual more. There's like a little more visual more. There's like a little more visual information and noise than we need. information and noise than we need. information and noise than we need. Like, I think it could be cropped more Like, I think it could be cropped more Like, I think it could be cropped more on her face, but I like it and I think I on her face, but I like it and I think I on her face, but I like it and I think I The number one thing is, can I see The number one thing is, can I see The number one thing is, can I see clearly what she looks like? And I can. clearly what she looks like? And I can. clearly what she looks like? And I can. Okay. The next one is my greatest Okay. The next one is my greatest Okay. The next one is my greatest strength turning chaos into a good story strength turning chaos into a good story strength turning chaos into a good story later. I actually like that one. To me, later. I actually like that one. To me, later. I actually like that one. To me, reading between the lines, I get a good reading between the lines, I get a good reading between the lines, I get a good vibe from it, which is I'm a person that vibe from it, which is I'm a person that vibe from it, which is I'm a person that can deal with different situations. can deal with different situations. can deal with different situations. Like, if something goes wrong, I'm not Like, if something goes wrong, I'm not Like, if something goes wrong, I'm not going to fall apart. And it actually going to fall apart. And it actually going to fall apart. And it actually reminds me, I used to work at Airbnb a reminds me, I used to work at Airbnb a reminds me, I used to work at Airbnb a long time ago, and we would talk about long time ago, and we would talk about long time ago, and we would talk about how like a really great Airbnb traveler how like a really great Airbnb traveler how like a really great Airbnb traveler was somebody who knows that when things was somebody who knows that when things was somebody who knows that when things go wrong, that's when they get go wrong, that's when they get go wrong, that's when they get interesting. And like that's the vibe interesting. And like that's the vibe interesting. And like that's the vibe that I get from her where she's not that I get from her where she's not that I get from her where she's not afraid of afraid of afraid of discomfort or adventure. She's like, "It discomfort or adventure. She's like, "It discomfort or adventure. She's like, "It makes a good story later." So maybe I'm makes a good story later." So maybe I'm makes a good story later." So maybe I'm like overly reading into it, but I like like overly reading into it, but I like like overly reading into it, but I like that. that. that. >> But that's probably good, right? It got >> But that's probably good, right? It got >> But that's probably good, right? It got you curious. It got you engaged. That's you curious. It got you engaged. That's you curious. It got you engaged. That's good. good. good. >> One thing I didn't mention on the other >> One thing I didn't mention on the other >> One thing I didn't mention on the other person's profile is this idea of a hook. person's profile is this idea of a hook. person's profile is this idea of a hook. So a lot of times people think about a So a lot of times people think about a So a lot of times people think about a profile as a monologue. I'm just talking profile as a monologue. I'm just talking profile as a monologue. I'm just talking at you. But a great profile should be a at you. But a great profile should be a at you. But a great profile should be a dialogue where I'm starting the dialogue where I'm starting the dialogue where I'm starting the conversation and you respond. So turning conversation and you respond. So turning conversation and you respond. So turning chaos into a good story later and then chaos into a good story later and then chaos into a good story later and then she could add a question that says, "Ask she could add a question that says, "Ask she could add a question that says, "Ask me about the time that I almost got me about the time that I almost got me about the time that I almost got kidnapped in Vietnam." kidnapped in Vietnam." kidnapped in Vietnam." >> Then I'm like, "Holy cow, I want to hear >> Then I'm like, "Holy cow, I want to hear >> Then I'm like, "Holy cow, I want to hear about Vietnam. I want to hear about that about Vietnam. I want to hear about that about Vietnam. I want to hear about that story." And so it story." And so it story." And so it >> initiates action. >> initiates action. >> initiates action. >> And it also, especially for women >> And it also, especially for women >> And it also, especially for women attracting men, it's like just make it attracting men, it's like just make it attracting men, it's like just make it easy for them. Just make it so that like easy for them. Just make it so that like easy for them. Just make it so that like they know what to ask you. like you want they know what to ask you. like you want they know what to ask you. like you want them to ask more questions like make it them to ask more questions like make it them to ask more questions like make it easy for them to start the conversation. easy for them to start the conversation. easy for them to start the conversation. Okay. I like that it's executive Okay. I like that it's executive Okay. I like that it's executive assistant at production company you know assistant at production company you know assistant at production company you know versus the person who wrote versus the person who wrote versus the person who wrote entertainment there's more information. entertainment there's more information. entertainment there's more information. Um so she wrote Christian and I think Um so she wrote Christian and I think Um so she wrote Christian and I think this is interesting because when I've this is interesting because when I've this is interesting because when I've gone through profiles with people that gone through profiles with people that gone through profiles with people that are swiping sometimes they see Christian are swiping sometimes they see Christian are swiping sometimes they see Christian and they're like well I'm not religious. and they're like well I'm not religious. and they're like well I'm not religious. She must be so religious to put it on She must be so religious to put it on She must be so religious to put it on there. I just don't think that's the there. I just don't think that's the there. I just don't think that's the case. That's a situation where you case. That's a situation where you case. That's a situation where you should ask instead of assume. So, does should ask instead of assume. So, does should ask instead of assume. So, does Christian to her mean that she's in mass Christian to her mean that she's in mass Christian to her mean that she's in mass every Sunday or does it mean that she every Sunday or does it mean that she every Sunday or does it mean that she celebrates Easter and Christmas? And so, celebrates Easter and Christmas? And so, celebrates Easter and Christmas? And so, really finding out what that means to really finding out what that means to really finding out what that means to her. And then, I love this. So, on Hinn, her. And then, I love this. So, on Hinn, her. And then, I love this. So, on Hinn, she filled out her dating intention. So, she filled out her dating intention. So, she filled out her dating intention. So, she's looking for a life partner and she she's looking for a life partner and she she's looking for a life partner and she filled out her dating type and she put filled out her dating type and she put filled out her dating type and she put monogamy. So, especially in the Bay monogamy. So, especially in the Bay monogamy. So, especially in the Bay Area, there's so many people who are Area, there's so many people who are Area, there's so many people who are like, "Thank God Hinge added dating type like, "Thank God Hinge added dating type like, "Thank God Hinge added dating type because I'm sick of going on dates with because I'm sick of going on dates with because I'm sick of going on dates with guys who are non- monogamous." And so guys who are non- monogamous." And so guys who are non- monogamous." And so anyway, I like that she used more of the anyway, I like that she used more of the anyway, I like that she used more of the information available. And um for information available. And um for information available. And um for someone who's not looking for those someone who's not looking for those someone who's not looking for those things, she's going to turn them off and things, she's going to turn them off and things, she's going to turn them off and that's a good thing. that's a good thing. that's a good thing. Okay, the next picture. Okay, the next picture. Okay, the next picture. Super cute. I kind of get a preppy vibe Super cute. I kind of get a preppy vibe Super cute. I kind of get a preppy vibe like she's holding this little parasol. like she's holding this little parasol. like she's holding this little parasol. She's drinking. She's drinking. She's drinking. Um I like it. Like I think I can see Um I like it. Like I think I can see Um I like it. Like I think I can see what she looks like. She looks cute. We what she looks like. She looks cute. We what she looks like. She looks cute. We could kind of call this a full body could kind of call this a full body could kind of call this a full body shot, but I think what's great is that shot, but I think what's great is that shot, but I think what's great is that I'm just like getting a sense of her. I'm just like getting a sense of her. I'm just like getting a sense of her. Okay, the next one is also great um Okay, the next one is also great um Okay, the next one is also great um because it's showing her with her because it's showing her with her because it's showing her with her friend, but I can tell which one she is. friend, but I can tell which one she is. friend, but I can tell which one she is. So, a mistake that people make is like So, a mistake that people make is like So, a mistake that people make is like you'll have like 10 guys in baseball you'll have like 10 guys in baseball you'll have like 10 guys in baseball caps and I'm like, which one is you? caps and I'm like, which one is you? caps and I'm like, which one is you? Like, this is so annoying. Or like 10 Like, this is so annoying. Or like 10 Like, this is so annoying. Or like 10 girls in bridesmaid robes with the same girls in bridesmaid robes with the same girls in bridesmaid robes with the same southern curled hair and it's like this southern curled hair and it's like this southern curled hair and it's like this isn't where's Waldo. Like, make it easy isn't where's Waldo. Like, make it easy isn't where's Waldo. Like, make it easy for me to see what you look like. And so for me to see what you look like. And so for me to see what you look like. And so for this one, it's like I can tell like for this one, it's like I can tell like for this one, it's like I can tell like she's sort of glamorous. She has like, she's sort of glamorous. She has like, she's sort of glamorous. She has like, you know, a cute outfit, but it's really you know, a cute outfit, but it's really you know, a cute outfit, but it's really easy to tell which one she is. Um, I go easy to tell which one she is. Um, I go easy to tell which one she is. Um, I go crazy for someone who can cook well, a crazy for someone who can cook well, a crazy for someone who can cook well, a truly spiritual experience. truly spiritual experience. truly spiritual experience. Um, I think that one's good. I think she Um, I think that one's good. I think she Um, I think that one's good. I think she could have more details like she could could have more details like she could could have more details like she could do another hook where it could be like do another hook where it could be like do another hook where it could be like um like message me if you know how to um like message me if you know how to um like message me if you know how to cook paella or like um let's have a cook paella or like um let's have a cook paella or like um let's have a French toast competition. Just something French toast competition. Just something French toast competition. Just something that's setting the other person. that's setting the other person. that's setting the other person. >> That's cool. I like that. Yeah. >> That's cool. I like that. Yeah. >> That's cool. I like that. Yeah. >> Okay, the next one. Um >> Okay, the next one. Um >> Okay, the next one. Um >> these are fantastic by the way. >> these are fantastic by the way. >> these are fantastic by the way. >> Sure. You know the next one. It's so >> Sure. You know the next one. It's so >> Sure. You know the next one. It's so funny. You know, like the idea of like a funny. You know, like the idea of like a funny. You know, like the idea of like a male gaze. Yeah, it's like I definitely male gaze. Yeah, it's like I definitely male gaze. Yeah, it's like I definitely think this is like a hot photo and like think this is like a hot photo and like think this is like a hot photo and like a guy would be into it and like look a guy would be into it and like look a guy would be into it and like look like there is kind of the strategic game like there is kind of the strategic game like there is kind of the strategic game part and I think that that is like a part and I think that that is like a part and I think that that is like a great photo. Um, and then typical great photo. Um, and then typical great photo. Um, and then typical Sunday. Okay, this is probably my number Sunday. Okay, this is probably my number Sunday. Okay, this is probably my number one favorite hinge prompt because one favorite hinge prompt because one favorite hinge prompt because there's so much you can do with typical there's so much you can do with typical there's so much you can do with typical Sunday. So, let's see what she wrote. Sunday. So, let's see what she wrote. Sunday. So, let's see what she wrote. Being outdoors, playing pickle ball, she Being outdoors, playing pickle ball, she Being outdoors, playing pickle ball, she could play with you. Or spending time could play with you. Or spending time could play with you. Or spending time around any area that has dogs around. I around any area that has dogs around. I around any area that has dogs around. I think that's okay. like I get a sense of think that's okay. like I get a sense of think that's okay. like I get a sense of her, but her, but her, but I think it could like have more detail I think it could like have more detail I think it could like have more detail or like being outdoors and playing or like being outdoors and playing or like being outdoors and playing pickle ball like sort of similar. And so pickle ball like sort of similar. And so pickle ball like sort of similar. And so I would say like great prompt. I think I would say like great prompt. I think I would say like great prompt. I think many people should use it, but I would many people should use it, but I would many people should use it, but I would like a little more specificity like are like a little more specificity like are like a little more specificity like are you a dumplings at home on a Sunday you a dumplings at home on a Sunday you a dumplings at home on a Sunday girl? Are you a having dinner with your girl? Are you a having dinner with your girl? Are you a having dinner with your family every Sunday? Like I think a family every Sunday? Like I think a family every Sunday? Like I think a little more detail. Okay, she has the little more detail. Okay, she has the little more detail. Okay, she has the full body shot. One thing I would say is full body shot. One thing I would say is full body shot. One thing I would say is that she definitely looks like very that she definitely looks like very that she definitely looks like very glamorous in a lot of these, which maybe glamorous in a lot of these, which maybe glamorous in a lot of these, which maybe if that's her vibe, that's great, but if that's her vibe, that's great, but if that's her vibe, that's great, but I'm not seeing as much variety in terms I'm not seeing as much variety in terms I'm not seeing as much variety in terms of like is she also just down to be with of like is she also just down to be with of like is she also just down to be with her friends? And so if this is truly who her friends? And so if this is truly who her friends? And so if this is truly who she is, where she's like, I love to like she is, where she's like, I love to like she is, where she's like, I love to like get dressed up, have a cute purse, have get dressed up, have a cute purse, have get dressed up, have a cute purse, have a drink in my hand, if that's who she a drink in my hand, if that's who she a drink in my hand, if that's who she is, then she's portraying that. But I is, then she's portraying that. But I is, then she's portraying that. But I think it's possible and probable that think it's possible and probable that think it's possible and probable that there's more to her and that like she there's more to her and that like she there's more to her and that like she looks great in all the pictures, but looks great in all the pictures, but looks great in all the pictures, but they are a little bit one note. they are a little bit one note. they are a little bit one note. >> So like a picture in sweats if if you >> So like a picture in sweats if if you >> So like a picture in sweats if if you spend time in sweats or no. spend time in sweats or no. spend time in sweats or no. >> Yeah. Or like maybe like her with her >> Yeah. Or like maybe like her with her >> Yeah. Or like maybe like her with her family being a little bit more like girl family being a little bit more like girl family being a little bit more like girl next door. And so this is another one next door. And so this is another one next door. And so this is another one where I'm like I don't know who she is. where I'm like I don't know who she is. where I'm like I don't know who she is. So maybe this is accurate. And maybe So maybe this is accurate. And maybe So maybe this is accurate. And maybe she's like this is what I'm doing right she's like this is what I'm doing right she's like this is what I'm doing right now. But I think she's maybe lacking a now. But I think she's maybe lacking a now. But I think she's maybe lacking a little bit of that variety. But I would little bit of that variety. But I would little bit of that variety. But I would say like this is like a good profile say like this is like a good profile say like this is like a good profile with potential for a little bit more with potential for a little bit more with potential for a little bit more variety and maybe a little more variety and maybe a little more variety and maybe a little more specificity. But I think she is like specificity. But I think she is like specificity. But I think she is like beautiful and chose great pictures and beautiful and chose great pictures and beautiful and chose great pictures and we do get a sense of who she is and what we do get a sense of who she is and what we do get a sense of who she is and what she likes. she likes. she likes. >> Fantastic. Great. Thank you, Logan. >> Fantastic. Great. Thank you, Logan. >> Fantastic. Great. Thank you, Logan. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. >> A deep reading. >> A deep reading. >> A deep reading. >> Brilliant work. Yeah, very deep. I love >> Brilliant work. Yeah, very deep. I love >> Brilliant work. Yeah, very deep. I love it. Those are I mean what you just it. Those are I mean what you just it. Those are I mean what you just showed us is that someone could be showed us is that someone could be showed us is that someone could be working on that first profile and have working on that first profile and have working on that first profile and have that up there and maybe get very few that up there and maybe get very few that up there and maybe get very few matches not because they're not a great matches not because they're not a great matches not because they're not a great guy and not a great person and have so guy and not a great person and have so guy and not a great person and have so much to offer but just because that's much to offer but just because that's much to offer but just because that's the that's the bio that's the resume the that's the bio that's the resume the that's the bio that's the resume that people are seeing and there's that people are seeing and there's that people are seeing and there's nothing for them to engage on. I really nothing for them to engage on. I really nothing for them to engage on. I really appreciate what you said about making it appreciate what you said about making it appreciate what you said about making it easy for men because I mean I think easy for men because I mean I think easy for men because I mean I think about even back when I had to approach about even back when I had to approach about even back when I had to approach someone, it was so much more easier to someone, it was so much more easier to someone, it was so much more easier to approach a woman who made it easier for approach a woman who made it easier for approach a woman who made it easier for me to approach her and it would take so me to approach her and it would take so me to approach her and it would take so much courage to approach someone who much courage to approach someone who much courage to approach someone who gave you no signals whatsoever. And so gave you no signals whatsoever. And so gave you no signals whatsoever. And so even for her if she really wants people even for her if she really wants people even for her if she really wants people to lean in, giving them that opportunity to lean in, giving them that opportunity to lean in, giving them that opportunity to say, "Let's have a, you know, cooking to say, "Let's have a, you know, cooking to say, "Let's have a, you know, cooking competition or whatever it was or competition or whatever it was or competition or whatever it was or whatever it may be, I think that whatever it may be, I think that whatever it may be, I think that invitation for action, that initiation invitation for action, that initiation invitation for action, that initiation is so important, is so important, is so important, >> right? It's like it's not a test, it's a >> right? It's like it's not a test, it's a >> right? It's like it's not a test, it's a layup. Like make it easy for the other layup. Like make it easy for the other layup. Like make it easy for the other person to know what to engage you on. person to know what to engage you on. person to know what to engage you on. And so if you aren't getting the number And so if you aren't getting the number And so if you aren't getting the number of matches you want, first thing I would of matches you want, first thing I would of matches you want, first thing I would do is make your profile as good as do is make your profile as good as do is make your profile as good as possible. Show it to some friends, get possible. Show it to some friends, get possible. Show it to some friends, get some new pictures, say to your closest some new pictures, say to your closest some new pictures, say to your closest friend, is the person who you see in friend, is the person who you see in friend, is the person who you see in front of you the same person you see in front of you the same person you see in front of you the same person you see in this profile? And if not, change it. The this profile? And if not, change it. The this profile? And if not, change it. The second thing I would do is send comments second thing I would do is send comments second thing I would do is send comments instead of just likes. So this really instead of just likes. So this really instead of just likes. So this really trains the algorithm to show who you're trains the algorithm to show who you're trains the algorithm to show who you're looking for. comments are much more looking for. comments are much more looking for. comments are much more likely to lead to a date than just likely to lead to a date than just likely to lead to a date than just sending a like. And it just shows more sending a like. And it just shows more sending a like. And it just shows more effort, right? We're talking about effort, right? We're talking about effort, right? We're talking about chalant dating. So, put more effort in. chalant dating. So, put more effort in. chalant dating. So, put more effort in. Hinge actually just launched something Hinge actually just launched something Hinge actually just launched something within the past few months called convo within the past few months called convo within the past few months called convo starters. And it's a way um to basically starters. And it's a way um to basically starters. And it's a way um to basically use AI, not to write the message for use AI, not to write the message for use AI, not to write the message for you, but just to kind of spark you, but just to kind of spark you, but just to kind of spark inspiration where it's like if it's a inspiration where it's like if it's a inspiration where it's like if it's a girl playing chess, you know, there girl playing chess, you know, there girl playing chess, you know, there might be like a little bubble that pops might be like a little bubble that pops might be like a little bubble that pops up that says like checkers versus chess. up that says like checkers versus chess. up that says like checkers versus chess. And then you can say, "Oh, yeah, that's And then you can say, "Oh, yeah, that's And then you can say, "Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. I'm going to ask her about a good idea. I'm going to ask her about a good idea. I'm going to ask her about back gammon." And so it's kind of just back gammon." And so it's kind of just back gammon." And so it's kind of just like that little coach in your pocket like that little coach in your pocket like that little coach in your pocket that's telling you like if you're stuck that's telling you like if you're stuck that's telling you like if you're stuck on what to say, here are a few ideas and on what to say, here are a few ideas and on what to say, here are a few ideas and it has it like for each picture and each it has it like for each picture and each it has it like for each picture and each prompt. prompt. prompt. >> We hear so many people say though >> We hear so many people say though >> We hear so many people say though there's no good people on the apps. What there's no good people on the apps. What there's no good people on the apps. What are they missing? are they missing? are they missing? >> Yeah, it's so complicated. Like I hear >> Yeah, it's so complicated. Like I hear >> Yeah, it's so complicated. Like I hear that all the time and I think there's that all the time and I think there's that all the time and I think there's plenty of good people out there. There's plenty of good people out there. There's plenty of good people out there. There's just all these misconnections. And I just all these misconnections. And I just all these misconnections. And I don't think it's just about apps. I don't think it's just about apps. I don't think it's just about apps. I think it's about everyday life. Like I think it's about everyday life. Like I think it's about everyday life. Like I feel like we're just missing each other. feel like we're just missing each other. feel like we're just missing each other. And this has become kind of an obsession And this has become kind of an obsession And this has become kind of an obsession of mine. And have you heard of the term of mine. And have you heard of the term of mine. And have you heard of the term friction maxing? friction maxing? friction maxing? >> I I've heard of it. Please explain it. >> I I've heard of it. Please explain it. >> I I've heard of it. Please explain it. What is friction maxing? What is friction maxing? What is friction maxing? >> So, this is something I've been thinking >> So, this is something I've been thinking >> So, this is something I've been thinking about for a few years, but there was about for a few years, but there was about for a few years, but there was this viral article about friction this viral article about friction this viral article about friction maxing, and I was like, yes, like that's maxing, and I was like, yes, like that's maxing, and I was like, yes, like that's the word that I've been looking for. And the word that I've been looking for. And the word that I've been looking for. And so, friction maxing is choosing to put so, friction maxing is choosing to put so, friction maxing is choosing to put more inconvenience into your life in more inconvenience into your life in more inconvenience into your life in order to have more human connection. Go order to have more human connection. Go order to have more human connection. Go to the grocery store instead of ordering to the grocery store instead of ordering to the grocery store instead of ordering Instacart. You know, take the subway Instacart. You know, take the subway Instacart. You know, take the subway where you're going to interact with where you're going to interact with where you're going to interact with people over taking an Uber. And it's people over taking an Uber. And it's people over taking an Uber. And it's like these tech companies have kind of like these tech companies have kind of like these tech companies have kind of convinced us your life should be as convinced us your life should be as convinced us your life should be as convenient as possible and you will be convenient as possible and you will be convenient as possible and you will be happy when you reduce friction. And I happy when you reduce friction. And I happy when you reduce friction. And I think that's a lie. Like think about the think that's a lie. Like think about the think that's a lie. Like think about the definition of friction. It's when two definition of friction. It's when two definition of friction. It's when two things rub against each other. And if things rub against each other. And if things rub against each other. And if you think about that in the real world, you think about that in the real world, you think about that in the real world, it's like rubbing shoulders with someone it's like rubbing shoulders with someone it's like rubbing shoulders with someone in line at an event or just meeting new in line at an event or just meeting new in line at an event or just meeting new people. And so I think that we've become people. And so I think that we've become people. And so I think that we've become obsessed with self-care and boundaries obsessed with self-care and boundaries obsessed with self-care and boundaries and like those things are great, but I and like those things are great, but I and like those things are great, but I think it's a little out of control where think it's a little out of control where think it's a little out of control where self-care often is selfish. This is my self-care often is selfish. This is my self-care often is selfish. This is my schedule and we can't hang out unless schedule and we can't hang out unless schedule and we can't hang out unless you can definitely do it on my schedule you can definitely do it on my schedule you can definitely do it on my schedule or like I go to bed at 8:00 p.m. every or like I go to bed at 8:00 p.m. every or like I go to bed at 8:00 p.m. every night so I could never go on a date with night so I could never go on a date with night so I could never go on a date with you in the evening. It's like in kind of you in the evening. It's like in kind of you in the evening. It's like in kind of protecting yourself from discomfort, protecting yourself from discomfort, protecting yourself from discomfort, you're really missing the chance to you're really missing the chance to you're really missing the chance to interact with people. And like I'm just interact with people. And like I'm just interact with people. And like I'm just seeing this all the time and I see it seeing this all the time and I see it seeing this all the time and I see it with myself. Like there just is that with myself. Like there just is that with myself. Like there just is that urge. what's the most convenient option? urge. what's the most convenient option? urge. what's the most convenient option? And I'm really trying to fight it in my And I'm really trying to fight it in my And I'm really trying to fight it in my own life, adding more friction in, being own life, adding more friction in, being own life, adding more friction in, being more around other people, fighting the more around other people, fighting the more around other people, fighting the isolation. And so I think that when you isolation. And so I think that when you isolation. And so I think that when you approach someone in public, it is approach someone in public, it is approach someone in public, it is riskier and you might get rejected, but riskier and you might get rejected, but riskier and you might get rejected, but you're creating friction that might lead you're creating friction that might lead you're creating friction that might lead to a great result. And so I think all of to a great result. And so I think all of to a great result. And so I think all of us have to increase our ability to us have to increase our ability to us have to increase our ability to withstand discomfort because it's going withstand discomfort because it's going withstand discomfort because it's going to lead to great stories and so many to lead to great stories and so many to lead to great stories and so many more relationships. more relationships. more relationships. >> Yeah. Well said. Well said. Can you You >> Yeah. Well said. Well said. Can you You >> Yeah. Well said. Well said. Can you You explained friction maxing, Shalon explained friction maxing, Shalon explained friction maxing, Shalon dating. Can you explain what rose gel is dating. Can you explain what rose gel is dating. Can you explain what rose gel is and why people are experiencing it? and why people are experiencing it? and why people are experiencing it? >> Not my favorite topic. Yes. Yeah. So, >> Not my favorite topic. Yes. Yeah. So, >> Not my favorite topic. Yes. Yeah. So, rose jail is something that, you know, I rose jail is something that, you know, I rose jail is something that, you know, I don't hear about it as as much now, but don't hear about it as as much now, but don't hear about it as as much now, but a few years ago where people feel like, a few years ago where people feel like, a few years ago where people feel like, oh, the people that I want to see on oh, the people that I want to see on oh, the people that I want to see on Hinge, I have to um buy money or spend Hinge, I have to um buy money or spend Hinge, I have to um buy money or spend money on a rose to get them. And so, money on a rose to get them. And so, money on a rose to get them. And so, what I would say is like the rose system what I would say is like the rose system what I would say is like the rose system does work. and that we see that people does work. and that we see that people does work. and that we see that people that send a rose are two times as likely that send a rose are two times as likely that send a rose are two times as likely as other people to actually get to a as other people to actually get to a as other people to actually get to a date. date. date. >> Yeah, that sounds like good answer. It's >> Yeah, that sounds like good answer. It's >> Yeah, that sounds like good answer. It's uh what what's interesting about the uh what what's interesting about the uh what what's interesting about the friction max and going back to that, friction max and going back to that, friction max and going back to that, it's almost just helpful to be out there it's almost just helpful to be out there it's almost just helpful to be out there and bumping into people and meeting and bumping into people and meeting and bumping into people and meeting people because you actually become people because you actually become people because you actually become better at conversation. You get find new better at conversation. You get find new better at conversation. You get find new things to talk about. You have more things to talk about. You have more things to talk about. You have more experiences. We have a loneliness experiences. We have a loneliness experiences. We have a loneliness epidemic in the world anyway. And so the epidemic in the world anyway. And so the epidemic in the world anyway. And so the ability to just be in public places and ability to just be in public places and ability to just be in public places and bump into people and and other things bump into people and and other things bump into people and and other things like I mean I'm pickle ball's biggest like I mean I'm pickle ball's biggest like I mean I'm pickle ball's biggest promoter, but it's I have made so many promoter, but it's I have made so many promoter, but it's I have made so many casual pickle ball friends just by casual pickle ball friends just by casual pickle ball friends just by playing pickle ball at public courts. playing pickle ball at public courts. playing pickle ball at public courts. And it's just one of those things where And it's just one of those things where And it's just one of those things where you just start a game up with someone you just start a game up with someone you just start a game up with someone and you get to know each other and next and you get to know each other and next and you get to know each other and next thing you know you're hanging out. And I thing you know you're hanging out. And I thing you know you're hanging out. And I feel the same is true. I was at a uh my feel the same is true. I was at a uh my feel the same is true. I was at a uh my friend runs a really cool acting class friend runs a really cool acting class friend runs a really cool acting class and he asked me to come check it out and and he asked me to come check it out and and he asked me to come check it out and I went a couple of weeks ago just to I went a couple of weeks ago just to I went a couple of weeks ago just to observe and everyone in his class like observe and everyone in his class like observe and everyone in his class like you could tell they just had this you could tell they just had this you could tell they just had this amazing community. I was like I wish amazing community. I was like I wish amazing community. I was like I wish everyone came to this class because everyone came to this class because everyone came to this class because there was such a great energy there and there was such a great energy there and there was such a great energy there and people were encouraging each other. They people were encouraging each other. They people were encouraging each other. They were kind and I was like you could were kind and I was like you could were kind and I was like you could easily find someone here to match with. easily find someone here to match with. easily find someone here to match with. I was just thinking about all the I was just thinking about all the I was just thinking about all the possibilities of places where there is possibilities of places where there is possibilities of places where there is community built around something community built around something community built around something singular almost like we know that just singular almost like we know that just singular almost like we know that just you know 30 to 40 years ago people would you know 30 to 40 years ago people would you know 30 to 40 years ago people would meet at their church or place of meet at their church or place of meet at their church or place of worship, people would meet in the worship, people would meet in the worship, people would meet in the building they lived in like you needed building they lived in like you needed building they lived in like you needed almost this singular place where you almost this singular place where you almost this singular place where you congregated for a particular need which congregated for a particular need which congregated for a particular need which is how we met people whether it was a is how we met people whether it was a is how we met people whether it was a Sunday roast or a family dinner and Sunday roast or a family dinner and Sunday roast or a family dinner and family friends were invited and it family friends were invited and it family friends were invited and it almost feels like we've lost that and I almost feels like we've lost that and I almost feels like we've lost that and I think that's what you're encouraging think that's what you're encouraging think that's what you're encouraging people to do. people to do. people to do. >> Absolutely. And there was this quote >> Absolutely. And there was this quote >> Absolutely. And there was this quote going around last year, the cost of going around last year, the cost of going around last year, the cost of community is inconvenience. And I think community is inconvenience. And I think community is inconvenience. And I think people are just so obsessed with making people are just so obsessed with making people are just so obsessed with making their lives frictionless and not ever their lives frictionless and not ever their lives frictionless and not ever inconveniencing themselves that they inconveniencing themselves that they inconveniencing themselves that they forget that, yeah, it's not that fun to forget that, yeah, it's not that fun to forget that, yeah, it's not that fun to help your friend move, but that's part help your friend move, but that's part help your friend move, but that's part of being a friend and being in a of being a friend and being in a of being a friend and being in a community. And I would say in my life, community. And I would say in my life, community. And I would say in my life, I've sort of taken this to the extreme. I've sort of taken this to the extreme. I've sort of taken this to the extreme. So during the pandemic, my husband and I So during the pandemic, my husband and I So during the pandemic, my husband and I moved into this commune with 20 of our moved into this commune with 20 of our moved into this commune with 20 of our friends. And so we each had our own friends. And so we each had our own friends. And so we each had our own little apartment, but you have 20 people little apartment, but you have 20 people little apartment, but you have 20 people living together and having dinner living together and having dinner living together and having dinner together every night. And those were together every night. And those were together every night. And those were some of the happiest years of my life. some of the happiest years of my life. some of the happiest years of my life. And yes, sometimes there was friction. And yes, sometimes there was friction. And yes, sometimes there was friction. You know, it's 2020. We had to have You know, it's 2020. We had to have You know, it's 2020. We had to have these like long, boring, antagonistic these like long, boring, antagonistic these like long, boring, antagonistic meetings about COVID protocol. But that meetings about COVID protocol. But that meetings about COVID protocol. But that was the price that you pay to live with was the price that you pay to live with was the price that you pay to live with your friends. And I think that we your friends. And I think that we your friends. And I think that we constantly choose what we think is best constantly choose what we think is best constantly choose what we think is best for ourselves. But what we really do is for ourselves. But what we really do is for ourselves. But what we really do is make things convenient. And then we are make things convenient. And then we are make things convenient. And then we are more isolated. And like when you're at more isolated. And like when you're at more isolated. And like when you're at home behind your screen, you're not out home behind your screen, you're not out home behind your screen, you're not out there meeting new people. And it's not there meeting new people. And it's not there meeting new people. And it's not just about meeting the guy you're going just about meeting the guy you're going just about meeting the guy you're going to marry. It's about meeting the girl to marry. It's about meeting the girl to marry. It's about meeting the girl who has a brother who has a friend who who has a brother who has a friend who who has a brother who has a friend who you're going to meet if you all go to you're going to meet if you all go to you're going to meet if you all go to that festival together. And I think that that festival together. And I think that that festival together. And I think that like if you tie a lot of the strings like if you tie a lot of the strings like if you tie a lot of the strings together that we're talking about, like together that we're talking about, like together that we're talking about, like there's a loneliness epidemic. There's there's a loneliness epidemic. There's there's a loneliness epidemic. There's men and women who are thinking that the men and women who are thinking that the men and women who are thinking that the other person wants something different other person wants something different other person wants something different from them. And like the more times that from them. And like the more times that from them. And like the more times that you put yourself in places where you're you put yourself in places where you're you put yourself in places where you're going to meet someone, the more friction going to meet someone, the more friction going to meet someone, the more friction you're creating, the more opportunity you're creating, the more opportunity you're creating, the more opportunity for connection that you're taking. And I for connection that you're taking. And I for connection that you're taking. And I hope that that's a big message that hope that that's a big message that hope that that's a big message that people take away from this conversation people take away from this conversation people take away from this conversation is be a Shalant dater. Put your effort is be a Shalant dater. Put your effort is be a Shalant dater. Put your effort out there. Be willing to get rejected. out there. Be willing to get rejected. out there. Be willing to get rejected. Friction max. Put yourself in more Friction max. Put yourself in more Friction max. Put yourself in more situations where it's not convenient, situations where it's not convenient, situations where it's not convenient, but you're going to meet more people. but you're going to meet more people. but you're going to meet more people. And like, isn't that what life is really And like, isn't that what life is really And like, isn't that what life is really about? about? about? >> Totally. It's so true. And and I think >> Totally. It's so true. And and I think >> Totally. It's so true. And and I think that's it feels like the ethos of this that's it feels like the ethos of this that's it feels like the ethos of this whole conversation which is like seek whole conversation which is like seek whole conversation which is like seek discomfort, discomfort, discomfort, >> become more resilient, live with the >> become more resilient, live with the >> become more resilient, live with the challenge that there is a high rejection challenge that there is a high rejection challenge that there is a high rejection proportion of just finding the one. And proportion of just finding the one. And proportion of just finding the one. And the one thing I like to remind people the one thing I like to remind people the one thing I like to remind people also is that if everyone liked you and also is that if everyone liked you and also is that if everyone liked you and you liked everyone, it wouldn't be that you liked everyone, it wouldn't be that you liked everyone, it wouldn't be that valuable of a discovery. Like the valuable of a discovery. Like the valuable of a discovery. Like the beautiful thing about love is that you beautiful thing about love is that you beautiful thing about love is that you found someone who wants to work with you found someone who wants to work with you found someone who wants to work with you on it and you want to work with them on on it and you want to work with them on on it and you want to work with them on it. And how special is that? And if you it. And how special is that? And if you it. And how special is that? And if you felt that with every person you went out felt that with every person you went out felt that with every person you went out on a date with, or if every person on a date with, or if every person on a date with, or if every person responded to you positively, well, then responded to you positively, well, then responded to you positively, well, then we wouldn't value love as much. The we wouldn't value love as much. The we wouldn't value love as much. The reason why we value love and long-term reason why we value love and long-term reason why we value love and long-term relationships is because they're rare, relationships is because they're rare, relationships is because they're rare, because they're special, they're hard, because they're special, they're hard, because they're special, they're hard, they're not they're not something that they're not they're not something that they're not they're not something that you feel freely available with everyone. you feel freely available with everyone. you feel freely available with everyone. >> Absolutely. And I I do this work and my >> Absolutely. And I I do this work and my >> Absolutely. And I I do this work and my mission is really to help people find mission is really to help people find mission is really to help people find love because I think it's one of the love because I think it's one of the love because I think it's one of the most important things that you can most important things that you can most important things that you can experience. and who you choose as your experience. and who you choose as your experience. and who you choose as your partner. That's your board of directors. partner. That's your board of directors. partner. That's your board of directors. That's the person advising you, right? That's the person advising you, right? That's the person advising you, right? Like you become the average of the Like you become the average of the Like you become the average of the people that you're around and your people that you're around and your people that you're around and your partner is going to be one of those partner is going to be one of those partner is going to be one of those people. And so I think that it really people. And so I think that it really people. And so I think that it really deserves a lot of time, a lot of effort deserves a lot of time, a lot of effort deserves a lot of time, a lot of effort and a lot of care and that the more that and a lot of care and that the more that and a lot of care and that the more that we can put that effort in and not be we can put that effort in and not be we can put that effort in and not be afraid of it, the more great afraid of it, the more great afraid of it, the more great relationships we're going to have. relationships we're going to have. relationships we're going to have. >> Do you believe in right person, wrong >> Do you believe in right person, wrong >> Do you believe in right person, wrong time? time? time? >> That's funny that you asked that because >> That's funny that you asked that because >> That's funny that you asked that because I've been thinking about it lately. So, I've been thinking about it lately. So, I've been thinking about it lately. So, you know, this is kind of a thing that you know, this is kind of a thing that you know, this is kind of a thing that people say like timing is everything. people say like timing is everything. people say like timing is everything. And I used to not believe that. I used And I used to not believe that. I used And I used to not believe that. I used to believe if it was the right match, to believe if it was the right match, to believe if it was the right match, the person would make it the right time. the person would make it the right time. the person would make it the right time. And my thinking on that has changed And my thinking on that has changed And my thinking on that has changed where if you're dating someone but where if you're dating someone but where if you're dating someone but they're in medical school and they they're in medical school and they they're in medical school and they really don't have time for you, I don't really don't have time for you, I don't really don't have time for you, I don't think it's going to work out. So, I think it's going to work out. So, I think it's going to work out. So, I would say the right person during the would say the right person during the would say the right person during the wrong time is not the right person. wrong time is not the right person. wrong time is not the right person. >> Got it. Yeah. It's a It's a question I >> Got it. Yeah. It's a It's a question I >> Got it. Yeah. It's a It's a question I love to ask people because I feel like love to ask people because I feel like love to ask people because I feel like these are those maybe the romanticizers these are those maybe the romanticizers these are those maybe the romanticizers who have this like way of thinking about who have this like way of thinking about who have this like way of thinking about something and it keeps them trapped. something and it keeps them trapped. something and it keeps them trapped. >> Yeah. Like I was just asked this >> Yeah. Like I was just asked this >> Yeah. Like I was just asked this question the other week where this question the other week where this question the other week where this person was like, "Oh, I was dating this person was like, "Oh, I was dating this person was like, "Oh, I was dating this guy, but he recently got out of a guy, but he recently got out of a guy, but he recently got out of a relationship and then we were fighting a relationship and then we were fighting a relationship and then we were fighting a lot and I ended things. Do you think it lot and I ended things. Do you think it lot and I ended things. Do you think it was timing?" And I was like, "No, I was timing?" And I was like, "No, I was timing?" And I was like, "No, I think you were fighting a lot because think you were fighting a lot because think you were fighting a lot because you weren't a good fit, not because of you weren't a good fit, not because of you weren't a good fit, not because of timing." And sometimes we can get really timing." And sometimes we can get really timing." And sometimes we can get really obsessed with timing. But I think that obsessed with timing. But I think that obsessed with timing. But I think that like you know in behavioral science so like you know in behavioral science so like you know in behavioral science so much as the environment and it's like if much as the environment and it's like if much as the environment and it's like if the environment that you're dating in is the environment that you're dating in is the environment that you're dating in is that they're not ready well that means that they're not ready well that means that they're not ready well that means that you shouldn't be in a relationship. that you shouldn't be in a relationship. that you shouldn't be in a relationship. >> Yeah. Do do people quit relationships >> Yeah. Do do people quit relationships >> Yeah. Do do people quit relationships too fast now? too fast now? too fast now? >> Yes. I think that people give up too >> Yes. I think that people give up too >> Yes. I think that people give up too easily. This is what we were talking easily. This is what we were talking easily. This is what we were talking about. So remember there's the work it about. So remember there's the work it about. So remember there's the work it out mindset. The idea that of course out mindset. The idea that of course out mindset. The idea that of course relationships take effort. And so when relationships take effort. And so when relationships take effort. And so when you hit that inevitable rough spot, you hit that inevitable rough spot, you hit that inevitable rough spot, don't say, "Well, we disagreed on this." don't say, "Well, we disagreed on this." don't say, "Well, we disagreed on this." So instead of having a hard So instead of having a hard So instead of having a hard conversation, I'll just end it. And that conversation, I'll just end it. And that conversation, I'll just end it. And that really goes back to the ethos of what really goes back to the ethos of what really goes back to the ethos of what we've been talking about. Like we've been talking about. Like we've been talking about. Like understand that relationships require understand that relationships require understand that relationships require inconvenience, discomfort, friction. And inconvenience, discomfort, friction. And inconvenience, discomfort, friction. And so when you have that first fight, say, so when you have that first fight, say, so when you have that first fight, say, "Wow, I I guess you feel really strongly "Wow, I I guess you feel really strongly "Wow, I I guess you feel really strongly about that." And let's have a about that." And let's have a about that." And let's have a conversation about it versus being like, conversation about it versus being like, conversation about it versus being like, "This is too much work." And so I would "This is too much work." And so I would "This is too much work." And so I would say yes, dating apps provide more say yes, dating apps provide more say yes, dating apps provide more options to meet more people, but don't options to meet more people, but don't options to meet more people, but don't treat people like they're disposable treat people like they're disposable treat people like they're disposable because that's just a recipe for sort of because that's just a recipe for sort of because that's just a recipe for sort of burning and turning relationships and burning and turning relationships and burning and turning relationships and really understand that each relationship really understand that each relationship really understand that each relationship is an opportunity to invest in someone. is an opportunity to invest in someone. is an opportunity to invest in someone. >> Yeah. And it goes back to what you were >> Yeah. And it goes back to what you were >> Yeah. And it goes back to what you were saying earlier about moving towards the saying earlier about moving towards the saying earlier about moving towards the workout mindset as you mentioned like workout mindset as you mentioned like workout mindset as you mentioned like just it's almost like you're getting to just it's almost like you're getting to just it's almost like you're getting to practice what a real relationship looks practice what a real relationship looks practice what a real relationship looks like and that first difficult moment is like and that first difficult moment is like and that first difficult moment is like this brilliant moment to actually like this brilliant moment to actually like this brilliant moment to actually realize what skills you do have, what realize what skills you do have, what realize what skills you do have, what skills you don't have, what attitude skills you don't have, what attitude skills you don't have, what attitude that person's willing to come at. I was that person's willing to come at. I was that person's willing to come at. I was wondering I I love that you have such I wondering I I love that you have such I wondering I I love that you have such I mean your advice Logan is so brilliant mean your advice Logan is so brilliant mean your advice Logan is so brilliant and and it's no surprise with the and and it's no surprise with the and and it's no surprise with the incredible work that you do online and incredible work that you do online and incredible work that you do online and offline. offline. offline. >> Thank you. But I yeah, I really mean it. >> Thank you. But I yeah, I really mean it. >> Thank you. But I yeah, I really mean it. It's it's it's so great and and it feels It's it's it's so great and and it feels It's it's it's so great and and it feels so real and actionable and genuine to so real and actionable and genuine to so real and actionable and genuine to it's not playing a game. It's not some it's not playing a game. It's not some it's not playing a game. It's not some manipulation strategy. It's not, you manipulation strategy. It's not, you manipulation strategy. It's not, you know, it's it's really authentic when it know, it's it's really authentic when it know, it's it's really authentic when it comes to evaluating a great date comes to evaluating a great date comes to evaluating a great date because, as you said, we usually get because, as you said, we usually get because, as you said, we usually get distracted by the spark. If the spark is distracted by the spark. If the spark is distracted by the spark. If the spark is not there, we're probably not going to not there, we're probably not going to not there, we're probably not going to go out on another date. And if we force go out on another date. And if we force go out on another date. And if we force ourselves to go on a second date and ourselves to go on a second date and ourselves to go on a second date and there's no spark again, we're probably there's no spark again, we're probably there's no spark again, we're probably not going to go on a third. I think we not going to go on a third. I think we not going to go on a third. I think we have very limited tools to evaluate a have very limited tools to evaluate a have very limited tools to evaluate a successful date, but I know you have an successful date, but I know you have an successful date, but I know you have an approach that is far more comprehensive. approach that is far more comprehensive. approach that is far more comprehensive. What should people be asking after they What should people be asking after they What should people be asking after they go on a date with someone? go on a date with someone? go on a date with someone? >> So, I have this tool called the Post >> So, I have this tool called the Post >> So, I have this tool called the Post Date 8. And these are eight questions to Date 8. And these are eight questions to Date 8. And these are eight questions to ask yourself after a date. And the ask yourself after a date. And the ask yourself after a date. And the research behind this is really based on research behind this is really based on research behind this is really based on gratitude journals. So if every day you gratitude journals. So if every day you gratitude journals. So if every day you have to write down at the end of the day have to write down at the end of the day have to write down at the end of the day five things you are grateful for it five things you are grateful for it five things you are grateful for it changes how you live your life because changes how you live your life because changes how you live your life because throughout the day you're looking for throughout the day you're looking for throughout the day you're looking for those small things and you're those small things and you're those small things and you're appreciating them, right? Like I made appreciating them, right? Like I made appreciating them, right? Like I made the bus when I almost could have missed the bus when I almost could have missed the bus when I almost could have missed it or it was really sunny and I got a it or it was really sunny and I got a it or it was really sunny and I got a table outside. So it trains your brain table outside. So it trains your brain table outside. So it trains your brain to look for the positives and the same to look for the positives and the same to look for the positives and the same thing is true with this post date. So thing is true with this post date. So thing is true with this post date. So these are eight questions that you ask these are eight questions that you ask these are eight questions that you ask yourself after a date and they are yourself after a date and they are yourself after a date and they are things like what side of me did the things like what side of me did the things like what side of me did the person bring out? How did I feel in my person bring out? How did I feel in my person bring out? How did I feel in my body around them? Did I feel relaxed or body around them? Did I feel relaxed or body around them? Did I feel relaxed or did I feel uptight? Did I feel heard? did I feel uptight? Did I feel heard? did I feel uptight? Did I feel heard? Did I feel attractive? Did they make me Did I feel attractive? Did they make me Did I feel attractive? Did they make me laugh? And what's really important is laugh? And what's really important is laugh? And what's really important is that these questions are not are they that these questions are not are they that these questions are not are they good enough for me? Is he hot enough? good enough for me? Is he hot enough? good enough for me? Is he hot enough? Does she have an impressive enough job? Does she have an impressive enough job? Does she have an impressive enough job? They're who am I around them? And it They're who am I around them? And it They're who am I around them? And it goes back to what we said about dating goes back to what we said about dating goes back to what we said about dating for the dynamic versus dating for the for the dynamic versus dating for the for the dynamic versus dating for the resume. And so there's this idea of resume. And so there's this idea of resume. And so there's this idea of dating experientially. dating experientially. dating experientially. What is the experience of being around What is the experience of being around What is the experience of being around you versus dating evaluatively? Dating you versus dating evaluatively? Dating you versus dating evaluatively? Dating to see if you're good enough for me. to see if you're good enough for me. to see if you're good enough for me. >> Yeah. It's it's almost like you're >> Yeah. It's it's almost like you're >> Yeah. It's it's almost like you're either testing them or you're getting either testing them or you're getting either testing them or you're getting carried away. And what you're saying is carried away. And what you're saying is carried away. And what you're saying is that the evaluation eight questions that the evaluation eight questions that the evaluation eight questions allow you to check in on yourself and allow you to check in on yourself and allow you to check in on yourself and see how do I feel like how is this going see how do I feel like how is this going see how do I feel like how is this going and and how is this for real is what it and and how is this for real is what it and and how is this for real is what it feels like being together rather than feels like being together rather than feels like being together rather than what it feels like being with their what it feels like being with their what it feels like being with their resume being with their data being with resume being with their data being with resume being with their data being with you know and so yeah we're either you know and so yeah we're either you know and so yeah we're either testing them like are they good enough testing them like are they good enough testing them like are they good enough for me are they not are they good enough for me are they not are they good enough for me are they not are they good enough for my friends or sometimes we're just for my friends or sometimes we're just for my friends or sometimes we're just so lost in our own world of like will so lost in our own world of like will so lost in our own world of like will they like me do they like me right we're they like me do they like me right we're they like me do they like me right we're in that opposite space of am I good in that opposite space of am I good in that opposite space of am I good enough to hesitate Yeah, enough to hesitate Yeah, enough to hesitate Yeah, >> it's not did I find them attractive, >> it's not did I find them attractive, >> it's not did I find them attractive, it's did I feel attractive around them. it's did I feel attractive around them. it's did I feel attractive around them. I feel like that's such a big shift for I feel like that's such a big shift for I feel like that's such a big shift for people. And going back to the three people. And going back to the three people. And going back to the three myths of the spark. So many times people myths of the spark. So many times people myths of the spark. So many times people miss an amazing person because they're miss an amazing person because they're miss an amazing person because they're not sparky. And so my antidote to the not sparky. And so my antidote to the not sparky. And so my antidote to the spark is to look for the slow burn. And spark is to look for the slow burn. And spark is to look for the slow burn. And the slowb burn is the person who may not the slowb burn is the person who may not the slowb burn is the person who may not be initially as charismatic or sparky, be initially as charismatic or sparky, be initially as charismatic or sparky, but they would be an amazing partner but they would be an amazing partner but they would be an amazing partner long term. I think this is one of the long term. I think this is one of the long term. I think this is one of the greatest contributions I've had to the greatest contributions I've had to the greatest contributions I've had to the discourse is I get so many emails from discourse is I get so many emails from discourse is I get so many emails from people that are like I followed what you people that are like I followed what you people that are like I followed what you said. I looked for the slowb burn. I'm said. I looked for the slowb burn. I'm said. I looked for the slowb burn. I'm engaged with slowburn and I'm so happy. engaged with slowburn and I'm so happy. engaged with slowburn and I'm so happy. This is the kind of guy I would have This is the kind of guy I would have This is the kind of guy I would have overlooked. And a way to use the post overlooked. And a way to use the post overlooked. And a way to use the post date is to do it after each date and to date is to do it after each date and to date is to do it after each date and to see over time do I like them more and see over time do I like them more and see over time do I like them more and more because the sparky people often more because the sparky people often more because the sparky people often burn out quickly and maybe after the burn out quickly and maybe after the burn out quickly and maybe after the third date you might say oh you know third date you might say oh you know third date you might say oh you know like it turns out he's like a little like it turns out he's like a little like it turns out he's like a little narcissistic or we don't really have narcissistic or we don't really have narcissistic or we don't really have that much to talk about. Whereas the that much to talk about. Whereas the that much to talk about. Whereas the slow burn person each time you date them slow burn person each time you date them slow burn person each time you date them you are more curious about them. You you are more curious about them. You you are more curious about them. You like them more and more. So, it's a it's like them more and more. So, it's a it's like them more and more. So, it's a it's a journaling exercise really to track a journaling exercise really to track a journaling exercise really to track how you feel with different people and how you feel with different people and how you feel with different people and if your interest in them grows or if your interest in them grows or if your interest in them grows or decreases over time. decreases over time. decreases over time. >> Yeah, I love that approach. I really >> Yeah, I love that approach. I really >> Yeah, I love that approach. I really hope I really really hope everyone who's hope I really really hope everyone who's hope I really really hope everyone who's listening and watching uh applies it. I listening and watching uh applies it. I listening and watching uh applies it. I think it would change everything for think it would change everything for think it would change everything for them. Uh Logan, I want to go a bit more them. Uh Logan, I want to go a bit more them. Uh Logan, I want to go a bit more philosophical with you, a bit more like philosophical with you, a bit more like philosophical with you, a bit more like higher higher level of like how do you higher higher level of like how do you higher higher level of like how do you define love? When you asked the define love? When you asked the define love? When you asked the question, I got a really strong internal question, I got a really strong internal question, I got a really strong internal feeling where I just heard the word feeling where I just heard the word feeling where I just heard the word acceptance. And I think it reminds me of acceptance. And I think it reminds me of acceptance. And I think it reminds me of what you said about you and Rody where what you said about you and Rody where what you said about you and Rody where she really accepts you for who you are she really accepts you for who you are she really accepts you for who you are and you don't feel judgment. And when I and you don't feel judgment. And when I and you don't feel judgment. And when I think about the people that love me, I think about the people that love me, I think about the people that love me, I think about my parents, my sister, some think about my parents, my sister, some think about my parents, my sister, some of my best friends, my husband, my of my best friends, my husband, my of my best friends, my husband, my daughter, where it's like, you're not daughter, where it's like, you're not daughter, where it's like, you're not under the microscope. They're not under the microscope. They're not under the microscope. They're not deciding like do I want to see you again deciding like do I want to see you again deciding like do I want to see you again or not. They're really just like, "I or not. They're really just like, "I or not. They're really just like, "I love you in all your messiness." And I love you in all your messiness." And I love you in all your messiness." And I remember one time I was talking to my remember one time I was talking to my remember one time I was talking to my friend Kristen and I was like, you know, friend Kristen and I was like, you know, friend Kristen and I was like, you know, sometimes I'm a little avoidant when I sometimes I'm a little avoidant when I sometimes I'm a little avoidant when I have a hard situation. She's like, "Duh, have a hard situation. She's like, "Duh, have a hard situation. She's like, "Duh, we all know that." And like I got we all know that." And like I got we all know that." And like I got embarrassed, but I was like, what she's embarrassed, but I was like, what she's embarrassed, but I was like, what she's saying is like, I see you in your saying is like, I see you in your saying is like, I see you in your shadow, in your light, and I love you shadow, in your light, and I love you shadow, in your light, and I love you for all of those things. And I think for all of those things. And I think for all of those things. And I think that acceptance and belonging is really that acceptance and belonging is really that acceptance and belonging is really what makes us feel safe. And I think one what makes us feel safe. And I think one what makes us feel safe. And I think one of the reasons why I've had the career of the reasons why I've had the career of the reasons why I've had the career I've had, which I feel really proud of, I've had, which I feel really proud of, I've had, which I feel really proud of, is because my husband is such a rock and is because my husband is such a rock and is because my husband is such a rock and I feel so much acceptance from him. His I feel so much acceptance from him. His I feel so much acceptance from him. His love is really unconditional. And like love is really unconditional. And like love is really unconditional. And like when you have this foundation of when you have this foundation of when you have this foundation of unconditional love, like you can go fly unconditional love, like you can go fly unconditional love, like you can go fly high and like take a lot of risk and high and like take a lot of risk and high and like take a lot of risk and risk rejection because like you come risk rejection because like you come risk rejection because like you come home to this really beautiful foundation home to this really beautiful foundation home to this really beautiful foundation of acceptance. And when people want to of acceptance. And when people want to of acceptance. And when people want to find love, like I want that for them so find love, like I want that for them so find love, like I want that for them so badly because I also want them to tuck badly because I also want them to tuck badly because I also want them to tuck into their bed at night and like have into their bed at night and like have into their bed at night and like have that person that is unconditionally that person that is unconditionally that person that is unconditionally loving them. And that's really my wish loving them. And that's really my wish loving them. And that's really my wish for so many people. for so many people. for so many people. >> That's a beautiful answer. I love that. >> That's a beautiful answer. I love that. >> That's a beautiful answer. I love that. Uh is love enough? Uh is love enough? Uh is love enough? >> You need love, but it's not enough. So >> You need love, but it's not enough. So >> You need love, but it's not enough. So it's required, but it's not the only it's required, but it's not the only it's required, but it's not the only thing. And what you also need is thing. And what you also need is thing. And what you also need is sustained effort. And you know, we're at sustained effort. And you know, we're at sustained effort. And you know, we're at the age where a lot of our friends are the age where a lot of our friends are the age where a lot of our friends are having young kids, right? And I get so having young kids, right? And I get so having young kids, right? And I get so many questions from clients of mine, many questions from clients of mine, many questions from clients of mine, close friends of mine, etc., where close friends of mine, etc., where close friends of mine, etc., where they're like, I just don't feel as they're like, I just don't feel as they're like, I just don't feel as connected. And one of my mentors, Eli connected. And one of my mentors, Eli connected. And one of my mentors, Eli Finkele, he has this great book called Finkele, he has this great book called Finkele, he has this great book called The All or Nothing Marriage. And he The All or Nothing Marriage. And he The All or Nothing Marriage. And he talks about different times in a talks about different times in a talks about different times in a relationship. And he has this great relationship. And he has this great relationship. And he has this great word, recalibration. So sometimes if word, recalibration. So sometimes if word, recalibration. So sometimes if someone's dealing with a hard situation someone's dealing with a hard situation someone's dealing with a hard situation at work or a difficult moment with their at work or a difficult moment with their at work or a difficult moment with their parents or, you know, having young kids parents or, you know, having young kids parents or, you know, having young kids at home, you have to reccalibrate your at home, you have to reccalibrate your at home, you have to reccalibrate your expectations. Like maybe it's not going expectations. Like maybe it's not going expectations. Like maybe it's not going to be the most fun year of your to be the most fun year of your to be the most fun year of your marriage. Maybe you're going to have sex marriage. Maybe you're going to have sex marriage. Maybe you're going to have sex a little less often. Maybe you're going a little less often. Maybe you're going a little less often. Maybe you're going to fight a little bit more. So to fight a little bit more. So to fight a little bit more. So recalibrate your expectations in those recalibrate your expectations in those recalibrate your expectations in those hard moments. Instead of like exiting, hard moments. Instead of like exiting, hard moments. Instead of like exiting, just understand that it's going to be a just understand that it's going to be a just understand that it's going to be a slightly bumpier ride. And so I think slightly bumpier ride. And so I think slightly bumpier ride. And so I think that true relationships last through that true relationships last through that true relationships last through some really hard years, sometimes some some really hard years, sometimes some some really hard years, sometimes some infidelity, and that love is enough to infidelity, and that love is enough to infidelity, and that love is enough to get you into relationship, but it's not get you into relationship, but it's not get you into relationship, but it's not enough to keep you in it. enough to keep you in it. enough to keep you in it. >> I love the recalibration and and it's so >> I love the recalibration and and it's so >> I love the recalibration and and it's so fascinating how we think things should fascinating how we think things should fascinating how we think things should stay the same through all this change, stay the same through all this change, stay the same through all this change, right? Most most of us want our right? Most most of us want our right? Most most of us want our relationship to stay exactly the same no relationship to stay exactly the same no relationship to stay exactly the same no matter how much change we're going matter how much change we're going matter how much change we're going through. Whether that's moving country, through. Whether that's moving country, through. Whether that's moving country, changing job, having a child, all these changing job, having a child, all these changing job, having a child, all these major transitions in life which major transitions in life which major transitions in life which naturally require us to reestablish what naturally require us to reestablish what naturally require us to reestablish what our connection pattern is, what our the our connection pattern is, what our the our connection pattern is, what our the amount of time we spend together is, all amount of time we spend together is, all amount of time we spend together is, all of that. And all of a sudden, we just of that. And all of a sudden, we just of that. And all of a sudden, we just throw it out the window and say, "Well, throw it out the window and say, "Well, throw it out the window and say, "Well, if you love me, it should be this way. if you love me, it should be this way. if you love me, it should be this way. It should be this way always and It should be this way always and It should be this way always and forever." But how would that even be forever." But how would that even be forever." But how would that even be possible? It's fascinating that we It's possible? It's fascinating that we It's possible? It's fascinating that we It's It's perplexing that we're that way, but It's perplexing that we're that way, but It's perplexing that we're that way, but it's fascinating, too, that we think it's fascinating, too, that we think it's fascinating, too, that we think things staying the same is a sign of things staying the same is a sign of things staying the same is a sign of love. love. love. >> Absolutely. And there's a great >> Absolutely. And there's a great >> Absolutely. And there's a great behavioral science principle for this uh behavioral science principle for this uh behavioral science principle for this uh this transitive fallacy where we sort of this transitive fallacy where we sort of this transitive fallacy where we sort of think um the way that it feels when think um the way that it feels when think um the way that it feels when something changes is the way it'll feel something changes is the way it'll feel something changes is the way it'll feel forever. So, we think that falling in forever. So, we think that falling in forever. So, we think that falling in love is the same as being in love, but love is the same as being in love, but love is the same as being in love, but it's totally different. It goes back to it's totally different. It goes back to it's totally different. It goes back to adaptation, right? We adapt to the adaptation, right? We adapt to the adaptation, right? We adapt to the things around us. So winning the lottery things around us. So winning the lottery things around us. So winning the lottery will feel good for a certain period of will feel good for a certain period of will feel good for a certain period of time and then you know being wealthy is time and then you know being wealthy is time and then you know being wealthy is a different state. And so if you're in a a different state. And so if you're in a a different state. And so if you're in a relationship and it doesn't feel as relationship and it doesn't feel as relationship and it doesn't feel as intense as when you first fell in love, intense as when you first fell in love, intense as when you first fell in love, that's the natural cycle. And if you that's the natural cycle. And if you that's the natural cycle. And if you just keep being a person that breaks up just keep being a person that breaks up just keep being a person that breaks up and searches for that falling in love and searches for that falling in love and searches for that falling in love again, you're sort of missing the bigger again, you're sort of missing the bigger again, you're sort of missing the bigger picture. picture. picture. >> Uh last one of these. Uh what makes a >> Uh last one of these. Uh what makes a >> Uh last one of these. Uh what makes a good partner? good partner? good partner? >> I think there's so many things that go >> I think there's so many things that go >> I think there's so many things that go into being a good partner. So I just into being a good partner. So I just into being a good partner. So I just talked about love as being acceptance. talked about love as being acceptance. talked about love as being acceptance. So I think accepting your partner. So I think accepting your partner. So I think accepting your partner. Sometimes people are like, "Do you think Sometimes people are like, "Do you think Sometimes people are like, "Do you think people change?" And I think my answer is people change?" And I think my answer is people change?" And I think my answer is sometimes they change, sometimes they sometimes they change, sometimes they sometimes they change, sometimes they don't. But you can't be with someone for don't. But you can't be with someone for don't. But you can't be with someone for their potential because what if they their potential because what if they their potential because what if they never change? You need to accept them never change? You need to accept them never change? You need to accept them for who they are now and they probably for who they are now and they probably for who they are now and they probably will change, but that's not a guarantee. will change, but that's not a guarantee. will change, but that's not a guarantee. I think communication, it's a cliche, I think communication, it's a cliche, I think communication, it's a cliche, but it's true. There's kind of this joke but it's true. There's kind of this joke but it's true. There's kind of this joke that like the answer to every advice that like the answer to every advice that like the answer to every advice column is always like have a column is always like have a column is always like have a conversation. conversation. conversation. Like what should I do with my neighbor Like what should I do with my neighbor Like what should I do with my neighbor who plays music? It's like have a who plays music? It's like have a who plays music? It's like have a conversation. What should I do with my conversation. What should I do with my conversation. What should I do with my mother-in-law? She shows up without mother-in-law? She shows up without mother-in-law? She shows up without being invited. Have a conversation. It's being invited. Have a conversation. It's being invited. Have a conversation. It's like yes. Like conversations are what like yes. Like conversations are what like yes. Like conversations are what keep relationships alive. keep relationships alive. keep relationships alive. >> Yeah. And going back to shalant dating, >> Yeah. And going back to shalant dating, >> Yeah. And going back to shalant dating, I saw this stat that was like 90% of I saw this stat that was like 90% of I saw this stat that was like 90% of women like what they really want is not women like what they really want is not women like what they really want is not to go to an expensive restaurant and not to go to an expensive restaurant and not to go to an expensive restaurant and not how much money the guy spent on the how much money the guy spent on the how much money the guy spent on the date, but really how invested in the date, but really how invested in the date, but really how invested in the conversation is he? And so I think conversation is he? And so I think conversation is he? And so I think communication is a huge one. And then I communication is a huge one. And then I communication is a huge one. And then I think the growth mindset that really think the growth mindset that really think the growth mindset that really encompasses a lot. It's like life encompasses a lot. It's like life encompasses a lot. It's like life changes, you'll change. Do we feel like changes, you'll change. Do we feel like changes, you'll change. Do we feel like we're a team and we're on the same side we're a team and we're on the same side we're a team and we're on the same side and we're working together towards the and we're working together towards the and we're working together towards the life we want? Or are we adversaries that life we want? Or are we adversaries that life we want? Or are we adversaries that are in opposite sides of the pickle ball are in opposite sides of the pickle ball are in opposite sides of the pickle ball court and when you win and when you win court and when you win and when you win court and when you win and when you win and you go away with your friends, I and you go away with your friends, I and you go away with your friends, I lose because I have to stay home with lose because I have to stay home with lose because I have to stay home with our kid and instead it's like we over our kid and instead it's like we over our kid and instead it's like we over me. me. me. >> How do you know if you're asking for too >> How do you know if you're asking for too >> How do you know if you're asking for too much? There's a big difference between much? There's a big difference between much? There's a big difference between settling where you feel like you have settling where you feel like you have settling where you feel like you have these deal breakers that are really these deal breakers that are really these deal breakers that are really important to you and you're not getting important to you and you're not getting important to you and you're not getting them met and satisficing which is them met and satisficing which is them met and satisficing which is understanding that you should double understanding that you should double understanding that you should double down on the things that matter and down on the things that matter and down on the things that matter and compromise on the rest. So let me get a compromise on the rest. So let me get a compromise on the rest. So let me get a little bit more specific and I actually little bit more specific and I actually little bit more specific and I actually wanted to answer this before when you wanted to answer this before when you wanted to answer this before when you were talking about you know the things were talking about you know the things were talking about you know the things that matter and don't matter. So, as that matter and don't matter. So, as that matter and don't matter. So, as people get older, especially, and I, you people get older, especially, and I, you people get older, especially, and I, you know, I have this Netflix show, The know, I have this Netflix show, The know, I have this Netflix show, The Later Daters, and it's daters over 55. Later Daters, and it's daters over 55. Later Daters, and it's daters over 55. And so, like, I have just seen this so And so, like, I have just seen this so And so, like, I have just seen this so much. The older you get, the more you much. The older you get, the more you much. The older you get, the more you add to your list because you're like, add to your list because you're like, add to your list because you're like, "I've waited this long, she better be "I've waited this long, she better be "I've waited this long, she better be perfect." And so, what happens is we perfect." And so, what happens is we perfect." And so, what happens is we confuse pet peeves for deal breakers. confuse pet peeves for deal breakers. confuse pet peeves for deal breakers. So, a pet peeve would be something like, So, a pet peeve would be something like, So, a pet peeve would be something like, "I'll date anyone except a mouth "I'll date anyone except a mouth "I'll date anyone except a mouth breather." It's like, come on. like breather." It's like, come on. like breather." It's like, come on. like mouth breathing that's not correlated mouth breathing that's not correlated mouth breathing that's not correlated with relationship satisfaction or not with relationship satisfaction or not with relationship satisfaction or not satisfaction. It's like something that satisfaction. It's like something that satisfaction. It's like something that maybe annoys you but it's not that big maybe annoys you but it's not that big maybe annoys you but it's not that big of a deal or like socks with sandals. So of a deal or like socks with sandals. So of a deal or like socks with sandals. So it's like it's like it's like >> well even being six foot taller than >> well even being six foot taller than >> well even being six foot taller than >> Oh my gosh. Yeah. I could go on a whole >> Oh my gosh. Yeah. I could go on a whole >> Oh my gosh. Yeah. I could go on a whole tangent about height which is tangent about height which is tangent about height which is essentially like many women filter out essentially like many women filter out essentially like many women filter out men who are 6 feet. You know they want a men who are 6 feet. You know they want a men who are 6 feet. You know they want a man who's 6 feet or taller but 86% of man who's 6 feet or taller but 86% of man who's 6 feet or taller but 86% of adult men in the US are under six feet. adult men in the US are under six feet. adult men in the US are under six feet. >> Wow. So, you're excluding 86% of >> Wow. So, you're excluding 86% of >> Wow. So, you're excluding 86% of possible matches over something that possible matches over something that possible matches over something that does not matter for long-term does not matter for long-term does not matter for long-term relationship satisfaction. And so, you relationship satisfaction. And so, you relationship satisfaction. And so, you know, going back to pet peeves and deal know, going back to pet peeves and deal know, going back to pet peeves and deal breakers, the first thing I would do is breakers, the first thing I would do is breakers, the first thing I would do is make a list of what you think your pet make a list of what you think your pet make a list of what you think your pet peeves are, what you think your deal peeves are, what you think your deal peeves are, what you think your deal breakers are, what your musthaves are, breakers are, what your musthaves are, breakers are, what your musthaves are, and then truly think if I didn't have and then truly think if I didn't have and then truly think if I didn't have this thing, would it matter long term? this thing, would it matter long term? this thing, would it matter long term? So, oh, I need a guy with a good sense So, oh, I need a guy with a good sense So, oh, I need a guy with a good sense of style. It's like, do you can you take of style. It's like, do you can you take of style. It's like, do you can you take him shopping? Like, who cares? versus him shopping? Like, who cares? versus him shopping? Like, who cares? versus something like I have asthma and I need something like I have asthma and I need something like I have asthma and I need a non-smoker. Going back to religion, a non-smoker. Going back to religion, a non-smoker. Going back to religion, you know, for you maybe it wasn't just you know, for you maybe it wasn't just you know, for you maybe it wasn't just the religion piece, but for some people the religion piece, but for some people the religion piece, but for some people if they're religious or they want to if they're religious or they want to if they're religious or they want to raise their kids in that faith, it is a raise their kids in that faith, it is a raise their kids in that faith, it is a dealbreaker. So, kind of go through each dealbreaker. So, kind of go through each dealbreaker. So, kind of go through each one and try to move things to the the one and try to move things to the the one and try to move things to the the pet peeves category. And then when pet peeves category. And then when pet peeves category. And then when you're dating, go really hard on those you're dating, go really hard on those you're dating, go really hard on those deal breakers and be true to yourself, deal breakers and be true to yourself, deal breakers and be true to yourself, but be more flexible in the pet peeves but be more flexible in the pet peeves but be more flexible in the pet peeves because they don't matter. M yeah those because they don't matter. M yeah those because they don't matter. M yeah those icks. icks. icks. >> I don't Have you ever seen the guy on >> I don't Have you ever seen the guy on >> I don't Have you ever seen the guy on Tik Tok called Guy with the List? Tik Tok called Guy with the List? Tik Tok called Guy with the List? >> No. >> No. >> No. >> Okay, so check it out. It's I I have no >> Okay, so check it out. It's I I have no >> Okay, so check it out. It's I I have no affiliation, but I'm such a fan. So, affiliation, but I'm such a fan. So, affiliation, but I'm such a fan. So, what he does is he finds videos of women what he does is he finds videos of women what he does is he finds videos of women on the internet that say they have an on the internet that say they have an on the internet that say they have an ick or they have something they don't ick or they have something they don't ick or they have something they don't like about men and then he adds it to like about men and then he adds it to like about men and then he adds it to his list to not do that thing. his list to not do that thing. his list to not do that thing. >> So, that's so funny. >> So, that's so funny. >> So, that's so funny. >> It's genius. And so, >> It's genius. And so, >> It's genius. And so, >> well, I feel like our friend Jared Freed >> well, I feel like our friend Jared Freed >> well, I feel like our friend Jared Freed is kind of like the king of the ick. is kind of like the king of the ick. is kind of like the king of the ick. >> Is he? In what sense? Go on. I love >> Is he? In what sense? Go on. I love >> Is he? In what sense? Go on. I love Jared. He has so many viral videos where Jared. He has so many viral videos where Jared. He has so many viral videos where he's like, "I ask audience members why he's like, "I ask audience members why he's like, "I ask audience members why they rejected a guy and they were like, they rejected a guy and they were like, they rejected a guy and they were like, I really liked him. I was going to go I really liked him. I was going to go I really liked him. I was going to go home with him, but then he went to pay home with him, but then he went to pay home with him, but then he went to pay the bill and I heard the bill and I heard the bill and I heard >> Yeah, this is >> Yeah, this is >> Yeah, this is >> and it's the sound of somebody opening a >> and it's the sound of somebody opening a >> and it's the sound of somebody opening a Velcro wallet." Velcro wallet." Velcro wallet." >> That's so Yeah, that's exactly it. These >> That's so Yeah, that's exactly it. These >> That's so Yeah, that's exactly it. These are some of these are even worse. I are some of these are even worse. I are some of these are even worse. I haven't I haven't checked I don't mean haven't I haven't checked I don't mean haven't I haven't checked I don't mean to be an alarmist, but it's important to to be an alarmist, but it's important to to be an alarmist, but it's important to stay vigilant. A few weeks ago, I met stay vigilant. A few weeks ago, I met stay vigilant. A few weeks ago, I met this guy out at a bar. He seemed normal. this guy out at a bar. He seemed normal. this guy out at a bar. He seemed normal. His friends seemed normal. So, I went His friends seemed normal. So, I went His friends seemed normal. So, I went home with him. The next day I was home with him. The next day I was home with him. The next day I was leaving and he said, "Oh, I'll walk you leaving and he said, "Oh, I'll walk you leaving and he said, "Oh, I'll walk you to the train station. I'm leaving as to the train station. I'm leaving as to the train station. I'm leaving as well." And out of nowhere, he just well." And out of nowhere, he just well." And out of nowhere, he just nonchalantly grabs his roller blades and nonchalantly grabs his roller blades and nonchalantly grabs his roller blades and a speaker. And I was like, "Oh." a speaker. And I was like, "Oh." a speaker. And I was like, "Oh." >> So then what he does is he takes it and >> So then what he does is he takes it and >> So then what he does is he takes it and he adds it to his list. he adds it to his list. he adds it to his list. >> Such a good bit. >> Such a good bit. >> Such a good bit. >> And so his list has everything from >> And so his list has everything from >> And so his list has everything from don't wear goggles. don't wear goggles. don't wear goggles. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Don't leave an event early, have a >> Don't leave an event early, have a >> Don't leave an event early, have a different font, having a birthday. Like different font, having a birthday. Like different font, having a birthday. Like it's just it's just it's just >> that's so funny. Okay. Okay, lads. I >> that's so funny. Okay. Okay, lads. I >> that's so funny. Okay. Okay, lads. I just unlocked the new ick. This is so just unlocked the new ick. This is so just unlocked the new ick. This is so random. And I know people hate when random. And I know people hate when random. And I know people hate when people do icks and it's like how would people do icks and it's like how would people do icks and it's like how would you get the by that? That's so you get the by that? That's so you get the by that? That's so ridiculous. I don't know if anyone's ridiculous. I don't know if anyone's ridiculous. I don't know if anyone's ever said this one before, but like when ever said this one before, but like when ever said this one before, but like when a lad has a birthday a lad has a birthday a lad has a birthday like like what do you just be like, "Oh, like like what do you just be like, "Oh, like like what do you just be like, "Oh, happy birthday." happy birthday." happy birthday." >> Oh my god. I could literally talk about >> Oh my god. I could literally talk about >> Oh my god. I could literally talk about this with you for hours because it's this with you for hours because it's this with you for hours because it's like of course there's like a sense of like of course there's like a sense of like of course there's like a sense of humor. I mean, first off, Tik Tok is so humor. I mean, first off, Tik Tok is so humor. I mean, first off, Tik Tok is so funny. So many people are so hilarious. funny. So many people are so hilarious. funny. So many people are so hilarious. like that girl nailed the delivery of like that girl nailed the delivery of like that girl nailed the delivery of like you know I effed a roller blader a like you know I effed a roller blader a like you know I effed a roller blader a roller skater and like a performative roller skater and like a performative roller skater and like a performative one one one >> but like it kind of goes back to the >> but like it kind of goes back to the >> but like it kind of goes back to the earlier part of our conversation around earlier part of our conversation around earlier part of our conversation around men and like the script that they follow men and like the script that they follow men and like the script that they follow because it's like a lot of women are because it's like a lot of women are because it's like a lot of women are saying I make money so I don't care as saying I make money so I don't care as saying I make money so I don't care as much if you make money I want you to be much if you make money I want you to be much if you make money I want you to be more emotionally available I want you to more emotionally available I want you to more emotionally available I want you to be vulnerable but then they also sort of be vulnerable but then they also sort of be vulnerable but then they also sort of get punished when they are and I think get punished when they are and I think get punished when they are and I think that that's just because we haven't that that's just because we haven't that that's just because we haven't really figured out what masculinity really figured out what masculinity really figured out what masculinity looks like in this age. And it's like, looks like in this age. And it's like, looks like in this age. And it's like, why is having a birthday embarrassing? why is having a birthday embarrassing? why is having a birthday embarrassing? Like, why can't like a 32-year-old guy Like, why can't like a 32-year-old guy Like, why can't like a 32-year-old guy like throw a birthday party? Why would like throw a birthday party? Why would like throw a birthday party? Why would that be cringe? And so, I mean, I have a that be cringe? And so, I mean, I have a that be cringe? And so, I mean, I have a lot of thoughts on the ick, but maybe lot of thoughts on the ick, but maybe lot of thoughts on the ick, but maybe just the one that I'll say is that are just the one that I'll say is that are just the one that I'll say is that are you using the ick to push people away you using the ick to push people away you using the ick to push people away because you're afraid of being in a because you're afraid of being in a because you're afraid of being in a relationship and it just gives you a relationship and it just gives you a relationship and it just gives you a reason to reject someone and not get reason to reject someone and not get reason to reject someone and not get close to them? close to them? close to them? >> Yeah. I mean, that statistic on height >> Yeah. I mean, that statistic on height >> Yeah. I mean, that statistic on height just blew my mind. I did not realize just blew my mind. I did not realize just blew my mind. I did not realize that. That you're cutting out 86% of that. That you're cutting out 86% of that. That you're cutting out 86% of adult men. Oh my god. adult men. Oh my god. adult men. Oh my god. >> In the United States, that's insane. >> In the United States, that's insane. >> In the United States, that's insane. >> The height thing drives me crazy because >> The height thing drives me crazy because >> The height thing drives me crazy because first of all, I am married to a short first of all, I am married to a short first of all, I am married to a short king and I'm very happy about it. But king and I'm very happy about it. But king and I'm very happy about it. But also, it's like, you know, if you were also, it's like, you know, if you were also, it's like, you know, if you were at a bar and you're sitting at a stool at a bar and you're sitting at a stool at a bar and you're sitting at a stool next to someone and you lock eyes and next to someone and you lock eyes and next to someone and you lock eyes and you have an amazing conversation and you you have an amazing conversation and you you have an amazing conversation and you talk about your hopes and dreams and talk about your hopes and dreams and talk about your hopes and dreams and then the guy stands up and he's 5'8 or then the guy stands up and he's 5'8 or then the guy stands up and he's 5'8 or 5'9, are you not going to give him your 5'9, are you not going to give him your 5'9, are you not going to give him your number? No. You are because you had a number? No. You are because you had a number? No. You are because you had a vibe. You had a connection. But if you vibe. You had a connection. But if you vibe. You had a connection. But if you think about hinge as kind of your club think about hinge as kind of your club think about hinge as kind of your club and your filters as the bouncers and your filters as the bouncers and your filters as the bouncers deciding who gets into your club or not, deciding who gets into your club or not, deciding who gets into your club or not, when you set really stringent filters on when you set really stringent filters on when you set really stringent filters on height, age, distance, you're really height, age, distance, you're really height, age, distance, you're really blocking so many people from coming into blocking so many people from coming into blocking so many people from coming into your club and then you're going up to your club and then you're going up to your club and then you're going up to people like me and you and saying, people like me and you and saying, people like me and you and saying, "Where's my husband? Where's my wife? I "Where's my husband? Where's my wife? I "Where's my husband? Where's my wife? I can't find them." It's like, yeah, cuz can't find them." It's like, yeah, cuz can't find them." It's like, yeah, cuz they're all waiting in line and the they're all waiting in line and the they're all waiting in line and the bouncer rejected them. bouncer rejected them. bouncer rejected them. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So well said. We >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So well said. We >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So well said. We have two segments to end today's episode have two segments to end today's episode have two segments to end today's episode with you. We've invented a game for you with you. We've invented a game for you with you. We've invented a game for you called this or that. And this is for called this or that. And this is for called this or that. And this is for you. So, we'll play that one first. Uh, you. So, we'll play that one first. Uh, you. So, we'll play that one first. Uh, so this or that. Someone who loves you so this or that. Someone who loves you so this or that. Someone who loves you more or someone you love more. more or someone you love more. more or someone you love more. >> I think I want to love them a lot, but >> I think I want to love them a lot, but >> I think I want to love them a lot, but it's okay if they love me a little bit it's okay if they love me a little bit it's okay if they love me a little bit more than I love them. more than I love them. more than I love them. >> Okay. Uh, marry your best friend or >> Okay. Uh, marry your best friend or >> Okay. Uh, marry your best friend or someone you feel wild passion for? someone you feel wild passion for? someone you feel wild passion for? Ideally, like for a lot of these I'm Ideally, like for a lot of these I'm Ideally, like for a lot of these I'm like ideally both, but it's like I think like ideally both, but it's like I think like ideally both, but it's like I think the best friendship is going to last the best friendship is going to last the best friendship is going to last longer, but like you need to want to longer, but like you need to want to longer, but like you need to want to have sex with them. So, I would say best have sex with them. So, I would say best have sex with them. So, I would say best friend, but want to have sex. And like friend, but want to have sex. And like friend, but want to have sex. And like most people don't marry the person they most people don't marry the person they most people don't marry the person they had the best sex with in their life. had the best sex with in their life. had the best sex with in their life. Like the most passionate relationship is Like the most passionate relationship is Like the most passionate relationship is sometimes because there's a little bit sometimes because there's a little bit sometimes because there's a little bit of like will she or won't she? And I of like will she or won't she? And I of like will she or won't she? And I would say if you're looking for like would say if you're looking for like would say if you're looking for like long-term partnership, like best friend long-term partnership, like best friend long-term partnership, like best friend is like a safer bet. is like a safer bet. is like a safer bet. >> Yeah, good answers. All right. stay in a >> Yeah, good answers. All right. stay in a >> Yeah, good answers. All right. stay in a good enough relationship or risk being good enough relationship or risk being good enough relationship or risk being single for a long time waiting for single for a long time waiting for single for a long time waiting for great. great. great. >> Sorry to be so like but I think it >> Sorry to be so like but I think it >> Sorry to be so like but I think it matters who you are. If you're a person matters who you are. If you're a person matters who you are. If you're a person who often leaves relationships what I who often leaves relationships what I who often leaves relationships what I call a ditcher because you're a call a ditcher because you're a call a ditcher because you're a maximizer and you're looking for maximizer and you're looking for maximizer and you're looking for something better, then I would say like something better, then I would say like something better, then I would say like invest in that relationship and make it invest in that relationship and make it invest in that relationship and make it great. But if you're a person that great. But if you're a person that great. But if you're a person that really settles and like always kind of really settles and like always kind of really settles and like always kind of accepts the crumbs, then see what it's accepts the crumbs, then see what it's accepts the crumbs, then see what it's like to be single and really go after like to be single and really go after like to be single and really go after the whole cookie. the whole cookie. the whole cookie. >> You your answer is great. So, yeah, I'm >> You your answer is great. So, yeah, I'm >> You your answer is great. So, yeah, I'm happy with what you're doing. Uh, shared happy with what you're doing. Uh, shared happy with what you're doing. Uh, shared life goals, but mismatched love life goals, but mismatched love life goals, but mismatched love languages or perfect love languages languages or perfect love languages languages or perfect love languages match, but different visions for the match, but different visions for the match, but different visions for the future. future. future. >> I think love languages are kind of >> I think love languages are kind of >> I think love languages are kind of ridiculous and overrated. Like, they ridiculous and overrated. Like, they ridiculous and overrated. Like, they help people and I think they're useful help people and I think they're useful help people and I think they're useful as something to point to, but like as something to point to, but like as something to point to, but like they're not scientifically backed. Like, they're not scientifically backed. Like, they're not scientifically backed. Like, let's just talk about what love let's just talk about what love let's just talk about what love languages are because like they've kind languages are because like they've kind languages are because like they've kind of become so pervasive in our culture of become so pervasive in our culture of become so pervasive in our culture with people wearing shirts that say like with people wearing shirts that say like with people wearing shirts that say like taco is my love language. So the love taco is my love language. So the love taco is my love language. So the love language is your preferred way of language is your preferred way of language is your preferred way of receiving love. And so it kind of helps receiving love. And so it kind of helps receiving love. And so it kind of helps you say to your husband, I don't care you say to your husband, I don't care you say to your husband, I don't care about gifts. I care about quality time. about gifts. I care about quality time. about gifts. I care about quality time. Like for me, for Christmas, my husband Like for me, for Christmas, my husband Like for me, for Christmas, my husband said like, make a list of what you want. said like, make a list of what you want. said like, make a list of what you want. And I asked him for five conversations And I asked him for five conversations And I asked him for five conversations that were each 2 hours. And I know it's that were each 2 hours. And I know it's that were each 2 hours. And I know it's like sounds so crazy, but like it's like sounds so crazy, but like it's like sounds so crazy, but like it's that's what I wanted. I was like, I want that's what I wanted. I was like, I want that's what I wanted. I was like, I want a conversation about our housing for the a conversation about our housing for the a conversation about our housing for the future. I want a conversation around my future. I want a conversation around my future. I want a conversation around my health. I want a conversation around health. I want a conversation around health. I want a conversation around parenting. And like maybe it sounds parenting. And like maybe it sounds parenting. And like maybe it sounds silly and people would be like, "Why did silly and people would be like, "Why did silly and people would be like, "Why did you have to ask for that?" It's like you have to ask for that?" It's like you have to ask for that?" It's like because we're parents of a young kid and because we're parents of a young kid and because we're parents of a young kid and we work a lot. My husband commutes. Like we work a lot. My husband commutes. Like we work a lot. My husband commutes. Like we don't have twohour quality time we don't have twohour quality time we don't have twohour quality time conversations all the time. Like we conversations all the time. Like we conversations all the time. Like we don't even have them that often. And so don't even have them that often. And so don't even have them that often. And so what I wanted was to have that quality what I wanted was to have that quality what I wanted was to have that quality time. I didn't want gifts. And so love time. I didn't want gifts. And so love time. I didn't want gifts. And so love languages are a helpful way to kind of languages are a helpful way to kind of languages are a helpful way to kind of show what matters to you. But like you show what matters to you. But like you show what matters to you. But like you don't have to have aligned love don't have to have aligned love don't have to have aligned love languages. like 100% like shared vision languages. like 100% like shared vision languages. like 100% like shared vision for the future matters much more than for the future matters much more than for the future matters much more than this thing that is kind of a shortcut to this thing that is kind of a shortcut to this thing that is kind of a shortcut to say like this is what makes me feel say like this is what makes me feel say like this is what makes me feel valued. I just want to underline what valued. I just want to underline what valued. I just want to underline what you just said as well that I actually you just said as well that I actually you just said as well that I actually think you do have to ask and set aside think you do have to ask and set aside think you do have to ask and set aside time for very important conversations time for very important conversations time for very important conversations especially when you've been together for especially when you've been together for especially when you've been together for a long time because your dayto-day a long time because your dayto-day a long time because your dayto-day becomes your conversation and it can be becomes your conversation and it can be becomes your conversation and it can be great connection and you can be having great connection and you can be having great connection and you can be having fun every day but you almost don't ever fun every day but you almost don't ever fun every day but you almost don't ever sit down and do that phone call sit down and do that phone call sit down and do that phone call conversation that you did when you conversation that you did when you conversation that you did when you started dating or you don't do that 3 started dating or you don't do that 3 started dating or you don't do that 3 hours dinner when you when you're with hours dinner when you when you're with hours dinner when you when you're with someone. And so I think I fully agree someone. And so I think I fully agree someone. And so I think I fully agree with you on having to outline and ask with you on having to outline and ask with you on having to outline and ask for specific conversations, especially for specific conversations, especially for specific conversations, especially if it's really important to you. And if it's really important to you. And if it's really important to you. And it's not something that you're just it's not something that you're just it's not something that you're just willing to also just throw into someone willing to also just throw into someone willing to also just throw into someone when you both just got back from work, when you both just got back from work, when you both just got back from work, put your baby to bed, and you're both put your baby to bed, and you're both put your baby to bed, and you're both exhausted. It's not possible to go on exhausted. It's not possible to go on exhausted. It's not possible to go on that Thursday night and say, "Hey, can that Thursday night and say, "Hey, can that Thursday night and say, "Hey, can we just talk about the finances we just talk about the finances we just talk about the finances tonight?" Like that's going to maybe tonight?" Like that's going to maybe tonight?" Like that's going to maybe throw the other person off as well. throw the other person off as well. throw the other person off as well. >> Yeah. I would have to say like that was >> Yeah. I would have to say like that was >> Yeah. I would have to say like that was a great gift and some of my friends have a great gift and some of my friends have a great gift and some of my friends have like copied it. They've asked their like copied it. They've asked their like copied it. They've asked their partners for that for their birthday and partners for that for their birthday and partners for that for their birthday and I'm like I think this could be a thing I'm like I think this could be a thing I'm like I think this could be a thing because it's like it's awkward to say because it's like it's awkward to say because it's like it's awkward to say can we spend 90 minutes talking about my can we spend 90 minutes talking about my can we spend 90 minutes talking about my health and can I like talk to you about health and can I like talk to you about health and can I like talk to you about my aura ring and this and that but like my aura ring and this and that but like my aura ring and this and that but like I want that time and that's what I as a I want that time and that's what I as a I want that time and that's what I as a busy parent as a mom like that's what I busy parent as a mom like that's what I busy parent as a mom like that's what I was looking for and I feel like that was was looking for and I feel like that was was looking for and I feel like that was so much more enriching to me than like so much more enriching to me than like so much more enriching to me than like you know some red light mask. you know some red light mask. you know some red light mask. >> Yeah. Okay. Last one of these. Date >> Yeah. Okay. Last one of these. Date >> Yeah. Okay. Last one of these. Date someone who feels safe but doesn't someone who feels safe but doesn't someone who feels safe but doesn't challenge you or date someone who challenge you or date someone who challenge you or date someone who challenges you but sometimes triggers challenges you but sometimes triggers challenges you but sometimes triggers you. you. you. >> H I think you have to feel safe like >> H I think you have to feel safe like >> H I think you have to feel safe like that is a mustave because someone should that is a mustave because someone should that is a mustave because someone should really feel like home. They should feel really feel like home. They should feel really feel like home. They should feel like that foundation so you need it. I like that foundation so you need it. I like that foundation so you need it. I think trigger kind of going back to like think trigger kind of going back to like think trigger kind of going back to like boundaries and selfcare. It's just kind boundaries and selfcare. It's just kind boundaries and selfcare. It's just kind of become like a little bit overblown in of become like a little bit overblown in of become like a little bit overblown in our culture. So I would say like our culture. So I would say like our culture. So I would say like investigate that more. What does trigger investigate that more. What does trigger investigate that more. What does trigger you mean? Does it mean that like you mean? Does it mean that like you mean? Does it mean that like sometimes they challenge you or does it sometimes they challenge you or does it sometimes they challenge you or does it mean like that they don't respect you or mean like that they don't respect you or mean like that they don't respect you or that they remind you of like an abusive that they remind you of like an abusive that they remind you of like an abusive relationship you were in? So I would say relationship you were in? So I would say relationship you were in? So I would say safety and foundation is like a safety and foundation is like a safety and foundation is like a musthave, but then investigate is this musthave, but then investigate is this musthave, but then investigate is this healthy discomfort or is this unhealthy healthy discomfort or is this unhealthy healthy discomfort or is this unhealthy discomfort? discomfort? discomfort? >> Mhm. Logan, you've been amazing to talk >> Mhm. Logan, you've been amazing to talk >> Mhm. Logan, you've been amazing to talk to. Uh I've learned so much. I think our to. Uh I've learned so much. I think our to. Uh I've learned so much. I think our audience is going to get so much value audience is going to get so much value audience is going to get so much value from this. I'm so excited for everyone from this. I'm so excited for everyone from this. I'm so excited for everyone to go to loan.com and actually take the to go to loan.com and actually take the to go to loan.com and actually take the quiz so that they can figure out where quiz so that they can figure out where quiz so that they can figure out where they land. I think doing the quiz myself they land. I think doing the quiz myself they land. I think doing the quiz myself and even breaking it down with you today and even breaking it down with you today and even breaking it down with you today and I kept in the interview everyone and I kept in the interview everyone and I kept in the interview everyone will hear me keep going well that sounds will hear me keep going well that sounds will hear me keep going well that sounds like hesitator romanticizer and it's like hesitator romanticizer and it's like hesitator romanticizer and it's it's so usable in everyday life and I it's so usable in everyday life and I it's so usable in everyday life and I think it's going to help people really think it's going to help people really think it's going to help people really recognize what's blocking them at the recognize what's blocking them at the recognize what's blocking them at the root rather than just hey you're just root rather than just hey you're just root rather than just hey you're just distracted or whatever whatever it may distracted or whatever whatever it may distracted or whatever whatever it may be. Uh we end every episode of on be. Uh we end every episode of on be. Uh we end every episode of on purpose with a final five. These purpose with a final five. These purpose with a final five. These questions have to be answered in one questions have to be answered in one questions have to be answered in one word or one sentence maximum. One word or one sentence maximum. One word or one sentence maximum. One sentence most likely. Uh, so Logan Yuri, sentence most likely. Uh, so Logan Yuri, sentence most likely. Uh, so Logan Yuri, these are your final five. The first these are your final five. The first these are your final five. The first question is, what is the best love question is, what is the best love question is, what is the best love advice you've ever heard or received? advice you've ever heard or received? advice you've ever heard or received? >> The best love advice I've ever heard or >> The best love advice I've ever heard or >> The best love advice I've ever heard or received is love is a verb. received is love is a verb. received is love is a verb. >> Yeah, it's a good answer. Agreed. Uh, >> Yeah, it's a good answer. Agreed. Uh, >> Yeah, it's a good answer. Agreed. Uh, what is the worst love advice you've what is the worst love advice you've what is the worst love advice you've ever heard or received? ever heard or received? ever heard or received? >> The worst love advice that I've heard, >> The worst love advice that I've heard, >> The worst love advice that I've heard, this is really big on Reddit, is when this is really big on Reddit, is when this is really big on Reddit, is when people have very strict rules where it's people have very strict rules where it's people have very strict rules where it's like, if he asks this question, never like, if he asks this question, never like, if he asks this question, never see him again. if he doesn't pay, never see him again. if he doesn't pay, never see him again. if he doesn't pay, never see him again. So, I think the worst see him again. So, I think the worst see him again. So, I think the worst love advice is when you have really love advice is when you have really love advice is when you have really strict rules that are not based in like strict rules that are not based in like strict rules that are not based in like the research or science of what actually the research or science of what actually the research or science of what actually matters in dating. matters in dating. matters in dating. >> It's a great answer. Uh, question number >> It's a great answer. Uh, question number >> It's a great answer. Uh, question number three. Is love blind? three. Is love blind? three. Is love blind? >> No. >> No. >> No. >> Do you want to you can expand. >> Do you want to you can expand. >> Do you want to you can expand. >> I mean, I think nine seasons of the show >> I mean, I think nine seasons of the show >> I mean, I think nine seasons of the show has showed us that love is not blind. has showed us that love is not blind. has showed us that love is not blind. >> It's a great answer for sure. Uh, >> It's a great answer for sure. Uh, >> It's a great answer for sure. Uh, question number four. What's something question number four. What's something question number four. What's something you used to believe was true about love, you used to believe was true about love, you used to believe was true about love, but now you actually realize it isn't? but now you actually realize it isn't? but now you actually realize it isn't? >> I think I'll go back to what we talked >> I think I'll go back to what we talked >> I think I'll go back to what we talked about with timing, which is I used to about with timing, which is I used to about with timing, which is I used to believe that love could sort of overcome believe that love could sort of overcome believe that love could sort of overcome any timing, and now I believe that any timing, and now I believe that any timing, and now I believe that timing is a big element of whether or timing is a big element of whether or timing is a big element of whether or not you're the right fit. not you're the right fit. not you're the right fit. >> Yeah. Yeah. It's such a It's weird, >> Yeah. Yeah. It's such a It's weird, >> Yeah. Yeah. It's such a It's weird, isn't it? Because time is such a funny isn't it? Because time is such a funny isn't it? Because time is such a funny one because it's almost like we're one because it's almost like we're one because it's almost like we're waiting for the perfect time which I waiting for the perfect time which I waiting for the perfect time which I don't think is what you're saying but don't think is what you're saying but don't think is what you're saying but you're saying the timing of where your you're saying the timing of where your you're saying the timing of where your life is right now is going to let you life is right now is going to let you life is right now is going to let you know whether you'll find someone or not. know whether you'll find someone or not. know whether you'll find someone or not. >> That's a really good point. So I think a >> That's a really good point. So I think a >> That's a really good point. So I think a lot of people are hesitators where lot of people are hesitators where lot of people are hesitators where they're waiting to be the perfect person they're waiting to be the perfect person they're waiting to be the perfect person when the truth is you'll never be 100% when the truth is you'll never be 100% when the truth is you'll never be 100% ready. So I'm not talking about that ready. So I'm not talking about that ready. So I'm not talking about that like date before you're ready. What I am like date before you're ready. What I am like date before you're ready. What I am talking about is if you meet someone talking about is if you meet someone talking about is if you meet someone amazing but your lifestyles don't line amazing but your lifestyles don't line amazing but your lifestyles don't line up right now or they are in the military up right now or they are in the military up right now or they are in the military and you want to have a kid right away or and you want to have a kid right away or and you want to have a kid right away or like all these different situation. It's like all these different situation. It's like all these different situation. It's like right person wrong time is probably like right person wrong time is probably like right person wrong time is probably wrong person. wrong person. wrong person. >> Fifth and final question we ask this to >> Fifth and final question we ask this to >> Fifth and final question we ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show. every guest who's ever been on the show. every guest who's ever been on the show. If you could create one law that If you could create one law that If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, everyone in the world had to follow, everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? what would it be? what would it be? >> Tell the truth. >> Tell the truth. >> Tell the truth. I think just so often we don't tell I think just so often we don't tell I think just so often we don't tell people how we're feeling. We don't share people how we're feeling. We don't share people how we're feeling. We don't share hard feedback. We're not brave. And hard feedback. We're not brave. And hard feedback. We're not brave. And look, like there is a time and a place look, like there is a time and a place look, like there is a time and a place for white lies, such as, you know, when for white lies, such as, you know, when for white lies, such as, you know, when you ask your husband how you look 5 you ask your husband how you look 5 you ask your husband how you look 5 minutes before you're going to his work minutes before you're going to his work minutes before you're going to his work office party, which my husband hasn't office party, which my husband hasn't office party, which my husband hasn't gotten the memo on that. But I think if gotten the memo on that. But I think if gotten the memo on that. But I think if we were just all more honest about what we were just all more honest about what we were just all more honest about what we're feeling, what we're worrying we're feeling, what we're worrying we're feeling, what we're worrying about, what's going through our mind, we about, what's going through our mind, we about, what's going through our mind, we would just have much richer would just have much richer would just have much richer relationships. relationships. relationships. >> Yeah. I think in relationships >> Yeah. I think in relationships >> Yeah. I think in relationships especially, I mean, you were talking especially, I mean, you were talking especially, I mean, you were talking about first dates and dinners and I about first dates and dinners and I about first dates and dinners and I remember the first time I took Radi out, remember the first time I took Radi out, remember the first time I took Radi out, I thought she liked fancy places. I took I thought she liked fancy places. I took I thought she liked fancy places. I took her some I couldn't even afford a fancy her some I couldn't even afford a fancy her some I couldn't even afford a fancy place, but I'd saved up and took her out place, but I'd saved up and took her out place, but I'd saved up and took her out to this fancy place to this fancy place to this fancy place >> and she literally from the moment we >> and she literally from the moment we >> and she literally from the moment we walked in, I could tell she wasn't walked in, I could tell she wasn't walked in, I could tell she wasn't enjoying the experience. And I was kind enjoying the experience. And I was kind enjoying the experience. And I was kind of like, this is a nice place, you know, of like, this is a nice place, you know, of like, this is a nice place, you know, whatever. And she just said to me, she whatever. And she just said to me, she whatever. And she just said to me, she goes, you know, my ideal date is not goes, you know, my ideal date is not goes, you know, my ideal date is not being at a fancy restaurant. It's being being at a fancy restaurant. It's being being at a fancy restaurant. It's being at Tesco's, which is our version of uh at Tesco's, which is our version of uh at Tesco's, which is our version of uh Walmart or Target or whatever. And she Walmart or Target or whatever. And she Walmart or Target or whatever. And she was like buying some bread and cheese was like buying some bread and cheese was like buying some bread and cheese and making some sandwiches. Like that and making some sandwiches. Like that and making some sandwiches. Like that would be my ideal day. And I was like, would be my ideal day. And I was like, would be my ideal day. And I was like, "Got it." Like I understood it. And like "Got it." Like I understood it. And like "Got it." Like I understood it. And like I think the next date we like literally I think the next date we like literally I think the next date we like literally went down and walked down a grocery went down and walked down a grocery went down and walked down a grocery aisle, bought bread and cheese and went. aisle, bought bread and cheese and went. aisle, bought bread and cheese and went. And it was just And it was just And it was just >> to me it was so useful to have that >> to me it was so useful to have that >> to me it was so useful to have that early on cuz I knew I liked Radi. I early on cuz I knew I liked Radi. I early on cuz I knew I liked Radi. I didn't care whether we were at a fancy didn't care whether we were at a fancy didn't care whether we were at a fancy restaurant or not. And I think if she restaurant or not. And I think if she restaurant or not. And I think if she hadn't told me that cuz she was like, hadn't told me that cuz she was like, hadn't told me that cuz she was like, "Oh my god, maybe I'm going to turn him "Oh my god, maybe I'm going to turn him "Oh my god, maybe I'm going to turn him off. Maybe I'm going to scare him. Maybe off. Maybe I'm going to scare him. Maybe off. Maybe I'm going to scare him. Maybe maybe I'm, you know, it's and I'm like, maybe I'm, you know, it's and I'm like, maybe I'm, you know, it's and I'm like, well, if I did, then I was just the well, if I did, then I was just the well, if I did, then I was just the wrong guy. Like, it was to me it felt wrong guy. Like, it was to me it felt wrong guy. Like, it was to me it felt like a fair thing to say. You're allowed like a fair thing to say. You're allowed like a fair thing to say. You're allowed to like different things uh or tell me to like different things uh or tell me to like different things uh or tell me what you like. We're getting to know what you like. We're getting to know what you like. We're getting to know each other. I don't know. I think that each other. I don't know. I think that each other. I don't know. I think that honesty piece is so important. honesty piece is so important. honesty piece is so important. >> Yeah. I mean, I think about some of the >> Yeah. I mean, I think about some of the >> Yeah. I mean, I think about some of the richest relationships in my life. So, richest relationships in my life. So, richest relationships in my life. So, there's a woman Kimberly I've been there's a woman Kimberly I've been there's a woman Kimberly I've been working with for the last six years, and working with for the last six years, and working with for the last six years, and I know that if I give her feedback, she I know that if I give her feedback, she I know that if I give her feedback, she will always say, "Oh, thank you so much. will always say, "Oh, thank you so much. will always say, "Oh, thank you so much. I'm going to work on that." And it's a I'm going to work on that." And it's a I'm going to work on that." And it's a cliche, but it's true. Like feedback is cliche, but it's true. Like feedback is cliche, but it's true. Like feedback is a gift because you're making someone a gift because you're making someone a gift because you're making someone aware of a blind spot and then they have aware of a blind spot and then they have aware of a blind spot and then they have the opportunity to improve and like I the opportunity to improve and like I the opportunity to improve and like I don't walk on eggshells with her because don't walk on eggshells with her because don't walk on eggshells with her because I know that we can talk through any I know that we can talk through any I know that we can talk through any situation or my friend Ellen is obsessed situation or my friend Ellen is obsessed situation or my friend Ellen is obsessed with feedback and she's so good at with feedback and she's so good at with feedback and she's so good at receiving it and I remember one time for receiving it and I remember one time for receiving it and I remember one time for I guess it was for Father's Day like the I guess it was for Father's Day like the I guess it was for Father's Day like the gift that I gave my husband because he gift that I gave my husband because he gift that I gave my husband because he loves the New York Times crossword is loves the New York Times crossword is loves the New York Times crossword is that like Ellen and her husband Nihar that like Ellen and her husband Nihar that like Ellen and her husband Nihar came over and we all did the New York came over and we all did the New York came over and we all did the New York Times Sunday or I guess a Saturday Times Sunday or I guess a Saturday Times Sunday or I guess a Saturday crossword like on um like on our crossword like on um like on our crossword like on um like on our projector and like every time I would projector and like every time I would projector and like every time I would throw out a word Ellen would say I mean throw out a word Ellen would say I mean throw out a word Ellen would say I mean now I'm like throwing her under the bus now I'm like throwing her under the bus now I'm like throwing her under the bus but she was sort of like that's not even but she was sort of like that's not even but she was sort of like that's not even the right number of letters and this and the right number of letters and this and the right number of letters and this and that. I told her later, I was like, "I'm that. I told her later, I was like, "I'm that. I told her later, I was like, "I'm not that good at crosswords, but I was not that good at crosswords, but I was not that good at crosswords, but I was just kind of having fun and you kind of just kind of having fun and you kind of just kind of having fun and you kind of like embarrassed me where I didn't want like embarrassed me where I didn't want like embarrassed me where I didn't want to participate." And she was like, "Wow, to participate." And she was like, "Wow, to participate." And she was like, "Wow, thank you so much for telling me that. thank you so much for telling me that. thank you so much for telling me that. Like, I know I have a competitive Like, I know I have a competitive Like, I know I have a competitive streak." And like the way she received streak." And like the way she received streak." And like the way she received it where she was like truly so grateful it where she was like truly so grateful it where she was like truly so grateful for it, I just felt much closer to her. for it, I just felt much closer to her. for it, I just felt much closer to her. And I think that when you're honest with And I think that when you're honest with And I think that when you're honest with someone and they receive that as a gift someone and they receive that as a gift someone and they receive that as a gift and not with defensiveness, it just and not with defensiveness, it just and not with defensiveness, it just makes you feel like you can go deeper makes you feel like you can go deeper makes you feel like you can go deeper and deeper with that. And I think a lot and deeper with that. And I think a lot and deeper with that. And I think a lot of people are afraid of the truth and of people are afraid of the truth and of people are afraid of the truth and afraid of rejection when it's really afraid of rejection when it's really afraid of rejection when it's really like being honest with someone is a way like being honest with someone is a way like being honest with someone is a way to get more intimate. to get more intimate. to get more intimate. >> Logan Yuri, the book is called How to >> Logan Yuri, the book is called How to >> Logan Yuri, the book is called How to Not Die Alone. Logan Yuri.com for the Not Die Alone. Logan Yuri.com for the Not Die Alone. Logan Yuri.com for the quiz. Please, please, please go and do quiz. Please, please, please go and do quiz. Please, please, please go and do the quiz. You'll get your results. the quiz. You'll get your results. the quiz. You'll get your results. You'll be able to learn so much more You'll be able to learn so much more You'll be able to learn so much more about what's been blocking you in about what's been blocking you in about what's been blocking you in dating. You'll also be able to strike up dating. You'll also be able to strike up dating. You'll also be able to strike up a conversation with friends who are a conversation with friends who are a conversation with friends who are going through similar things. So, I going through similar things. So, I going through similar things. So, I really hope you check it out. Logan, is really hope you check it out. Logan, is really hope you check it out. Logan, is there anything else you'd like to share? there anything else you'd like to share? there anything else you'd like to share? Any insight, advice, or anywhere you'd Any insight, advice, or anywhere you'd Any insight, advice, or anywhere you'd like people to find you more? Check out like people to find you more? Check out like people to find you more? Check out the Netflix show. It's called The Later the Netflix show. It's called The Later the Netflix show. It's called The Later Datators. And I also offer coaching and Datators. And I also offer coaching and Datators. And I also offer coaching and matchmaking. And there's a lot more matchmaking. And there's a lot more matchmaking. And there's a lot more great info on my site. great info on my site. great info on my site. >> I am going to be sending a lot of people >> I am going to be sending a lot of people >> I am going to be sending a lot of people matchmaking your way. I'm so glad we matchmaking your way. I'm so glad we matchmaking your way. I'm so glad we finally met. finally met. finally met. >> Yeah, Jay. This was even better than I >> Yeah, Jay. This was even better than I >> Yeah, Jay. This was even better than I expected. And I really appreciate all expected. And I really appreciate all expected. And I really appreciate all the work and good vibes you put out into the work and good vibes you put out into the work and good vibes you put out into the world. the world. the world. >> Thank you. You're the best. This was >> Thank you. You're the best. This was >> Thank you. You're the best. This was awesome. Thank you so much. If you love awesome. Thank you so much. If you love awesome. Thank you so much. If you love this episode, you're going to love my this episode, you're going to love my this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussie on how conversation with Matthew Hussie on how conversation with Matthew Hussie on how to get over your ex and find true love to get over your ex and find true love to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships. Make a list of in your relationships. Make a list of in your relationships. Make a list of the things that are truly important the things that are truly important the things that are truly important >> for you to finding a partner and then be >> for you to finding a partner and then be >> for you to finding a partner and then be that