LOVE EXPERT Reveals How to STOP Wasting Time With the Wrong People (Do This Before Your Next Date!)
Love is not a feeling—it's a decision. Just as you show up for your business every day regardless of how you feel, relationships require the same commitment. If you don't feed energy into your relationship daily, it dies. Think of it like bread: you have to bake it fresh every morning. Stop waiting
1h 14mKey Takeaway
Love is not a feeling—it's a decision. Just as you show up for your business every day regardless of how you feel, relationships require the same commitment. If you don't feed energy into your relationship daily, it dies. Think of it like bread: you have to bake it fresh every morning. Stop waiting to 'feel' like putting in the work and make the decision to show up, even when emotions fluctuate. That's where real, lasting love lives.
Episode Overview
Sara Al-Madani, entrepreneur and author of 'Dear Narcissist,' joins Jay Shetty to discuss modern dating, toxic relationships, and healing. Sara shares her philosophy on inner work, why love is a decision rather than a feeling, and how to identify narcissistic patterns. Drawing from her own experiences with two failed marriages, she offers practical advice on setting standards, doing the inner work, and building relationships from a place of wholeness rather than need.
Key Insights
You Attract Who You Are, Not Who You Want
Before entering the dating world, ask yourself: are you what you're trying to manifest? If you want a successful, kind, hardworking partner, you must embody those qualities yourself. You cannot attract what you're not. Even good people with unhealed trauma will attract dysfunction because trauma shows up in triggers, decisions, and choices—even when it's not loud.
Want vs. Need: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships
Wanting someone comes from abundance—you're content, happy, and fulfilled, with no hidden agenda. Needing someone operates from lack, meaning you're looking to fill a void (financial, emotional, validation). Only when you don't need anybody can you purely love them. Relationships built on need create dependency; relationships built on want create partnership.
Choose the Fireplace Over the Firecracker
Chemistry can be misleading because it's hormonal and temporary. Butterflies in your stomach might actually be your nervous system warning you of danger, not signaling true love. Instead of seeking a 'firecracker' (intense but fleeting), look for a 'fireplace'—someone who provides warmth, comfort, and presence you want to return to daily. Compatibility is more sustainable and sexy than chemistry. Chemistry can develop later, but compatibility must be there from the start.
Inner Work Begins When You Stop Pointing Outward
Inner work starts the moment you stop blaming others and take responsibility for your role in your pain. It's not about self-blame, but about recognizing what you can control: your choices, beliefs, and boundaries. Being a victim doesn't serve growth. Only by asking 'Where did I go wrong?' and 'What's my contribution?' can you break destructive patterns and move forward.
Love Is a Decision, Not Just a Feeling
Love in relationships is a daily decision to show up, regardless of how you feel. Emotions fluctuate—you can love your parents deeply but sometimes can't stand them. If relationships depended solely on feelings, they'd be unstable. Treat your relationship like a business: if you don't invest energy daily, it dies. Fresh commitment every morning is what sustains long-term partnerships.
Notable Quotes
"Are you what you're trying to manifest? Because you cannot attract what you're not."
"If I need you, that means I am operating from lack. So there is a hidden agenda."
"Don't look for a firecracker. Look for a fireplace."
"Inner work is removing all the masks that life and society put on your face until you finally reach who you truly are—who you were before people told you who to be."
"Love is a decision. It's a decision to stick to the person whether things get hard or not. Similar to if I invest in a business, I cannot say I don't feel like going to work today."
Action Items
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1
Conduct a Relationship Audit
Write down the names of your past relationships and list why you were attracted to each person. Identify patterns of trauma bonding versus genuine connection. This exercise reveals where you've been operating from unhealed wounds rather than conscious choice.
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2
Have the 'Day One Conversation'
On early dates, be radically honest about what you want from life and relationships. State your intentions clearly (e.g., wanting a family, seeking commitment) to filter out incompatible matches early. If someone runs from honesty, they're showing you they're not ready for what you need.
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3
Assess Compatibility Over Chemistry
When evaluating a potential partner, prioritize shared values, ethics, communication style, and life goals over intense attraction or 'butterflies.' Ask yourself: could I build a sustainable life with this person's character, not just enjoy their presence?
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4
Take Responsibility for Your Patterns
Instead of focusing on what others did to you, journal about your own role in past relationship failures. Ask: What did I tolerate? What boundaries did I fail to set? How did my unhealed parts contribute? This shifts you from victim to empowered participant in your healing.