Love Expert: Leaving Doesn't Mean It Can't Work Out Later | Stephan Speaks

Key Takeaway

Before investing more time in a relationship, write down the issue, the change you need, and the specific action that would demonstrate progress. Share it calmly—ideally in a thoughtful letter—then watch whether the other person engages and follows through. Do not confuse potential, chemistry, or fear of being alone with compatibility. If someone repeatedly refuses honest communication or necessary work, let their actions answer the question.

Episode Overview

Jay Shetty and relationship coach Stephan Speaks explore how to distinguish genuine love and connection from infatuation, fear, and unhealthy attachment. They discuss why people stay too long, how past wounds shape partner choice, the importance of sustainable authenticity, and when stepping away may be the healthiest path—even if a future reconnection remains possible.

Full Transcript

Transcript of Love Expert: Leaving Doesn't Mean It Can't Work Out Later | Stephan Speaks from On Purpose. Auto-generated from episode audio; may contain minor errors.

How do you know if someone's wasting your time? How do you know if you're letting yourself be used or wasted in that way? So, to me, again, I think it always starts with self. And you have to be honest with yourself about why are you still here? Why are you holding on? What's really driving you? Because just use an example. Let's say you're a woman and the only reason why you're holding on to this guy is because he's a nice guy. You don't feel like starting the process over with somebody else.

So even though you're not feeling it with him, you figure, "Let me try to make it work. You're wasting your time. Th this is where you're setting yourself up for disaster every single time." So if it's not born out of a true connection, love, a genuine desire, you really like this individual, of course, there's always things we have to work through, but is the foundation strong enough for us to say, "Okay, we can make something special here." And I think once we are honest with ourselves, that kind of helps answer the question because sometimes we get so caught up trying to analyze the other individual that it's like we get in our heads and now we're missing the mark on what's really important here.

And we can't always say for sure what's going on with them. I will say that in general, if this person isn't willing to talk about things, they're wasting your time. If they're not willing to address or correct things that have been talked about, they're wasting your time. If you guys aren't on the same page about what you want and where you want to go in life, wasting time. So, there are some things I think we can just look at and say, listen, this is pointless here.

But a lot of times, and I I have to say this, especially for women, women's intuition is extremely powerful. I'm a huge believer in it. And I feel like women know very early, this isn't it. But they rationalize reasons to convince themselves to give this man a chance. And this again is a waste of time because it just doesn't work. I've seen people turn what should have been maybe a couple weeks of dating into years of being married to someone they were not happy with all because they did not listen to themselves from the beginning.

They knew what it was, but they just could not accept it for what it was. Yeah. And and I love that point on intuition. It's almost like when a relationship finally ends, a lot of us think to ourselves, I knew they weren't right for you. like I knew it. I knew that they weren't the one, but you just didn't listen to that part of yourself. What are the signs that someone deeply loves you? Because I feel like we live in this world where we're always wondering, do they love me?

Do they like me? Do they really like me? Are they really into me? How do you know when you deeply love someone and when someone deeply loves you? How do you even know? So, I'm going to start with with an answer that people probably won't expect. To me, the first key is, do you truly love them? Because look at it like this. To me, a lot of people get caught up in infatuation. Um, they have unhealthy attachments. They have different motivations to why they decided this is the person that I want.

And that can make them feel like they're in love. But to me, true love flows both ways. It's not a one-sided thing. So when you can say I I'm not into them like that. If we look deep into that situation, I can almost guarantee what we'll find is infatuation, attachment, something else. But when you can say, "No, I feel it too. I'm deeply in love with them." I think that's your first key because without that nothing else matters because a lot of people are choosing partners based off of well they love me so much so I assume it's safe here and this is a good choice to make but the safe choice is usually the wrong choice and a lot of these people select this individual thinking everything's going to be okay but because you're not really into them you can never be what they need and they were never truly what you needed which is why you never even got to that level with them so to choose them without first evaluating do you truly love them would not be wise.

How do you define love and how do you encourage other people to create their definitions of love? Well, for me first off is always God is love. And then when we take it from there, love is about kindness, compassion, patience, understanding, a willingness to be selfless and pour into that individual. But I think what's also important for people to understand is when we're trying to apply it to romantic relationships, we have to understand that there's other ingredients that are necessary before we can move forward. So you could love someone dearly, but if they are not emotionally ready because maybe they haven't healed from their past, maybe there's still some things that need to work out in their life, then it wouldn't be time to move forward in a relationship with them.

And we have this bad habit of the minute we feel like there's love there, we want to move forward. Exactly. And as you mentioned, we can get caught up sometimes in well, we love them because of what they do for us, but what are you prepared to do for them? Love is about giving. All right. So, we have to ask ourselves, okay, do we know what their needs are? Are we willing to fulfill those needs? Because if not, maybe this wasn't love. Maybe it just felt good in the moment.

Maybe you got caught up in the hype. And that's okay. It happens to almost all of us, if not all of us, at some point in life. But we have to just be real very clear with ourselves about what's really driving the intention right now. But I think all those things I mentioned is what encompasses love. And that's like the foundation of it. And then from there, we have to look at some other things to see how we can move forward. I'm a huge believer in connection.

And I believe connection is like your spirit recognizing its match. And it's very instant. When you speak to couples who said they experienced a connection, they'll tell you first conversation, first time meeting, first date, first week, it was pretty fast. So to me, the the recognizing of something deeper being here can happen very quickly. But how we now cultivate that and how we move forward is where we need to take our time and make sure we're not rushing and overlooking certain important issues that need to be discussed and addressed first.

Do you think it's ever okay to present different sides of yourself in order to attract someone or do you think that you're ultimately setting yourself up for failure in a relationship? Almost like I think a lot of people they may not become someone completely different but I think a lot of people are like oh I'm going to show my smart side because it will attract this person or I'm going to show my this side cuz they'll like that. Are you saying any of that kind of molding is unhealthy or do you think there's room for that?

I think anything that is not sustainable is unhealthy. So look at it as if I'm a man and I'm meeting this woman and I want to impress her. So I'm like, "Okay, I'm going to try to spend all my money, take her to a nice five-star restaurant, all these things, but deep inside I prefer a more simple lifestyle. You know, I don't like all that extra stuff." Okay, that's horrible. That's a sub for disaster. That's unhealthy. because you can't sustain what you're presenting to that individual that's going to draw them in.

So, whatever it is, another like common example is you'll have women who love to communicate. They want to be able to talk to you every single day, but because they're afraid of coming off a certain kind of way, they'll hold back on their communication. So, now they'll make it seem like they're okay with talking every now and then, we don't always have to text. And then this guy falls for that. He falls for this low standard. I want to call it low standard, but not having such a high expectation of him when it comes to communication.

Then he finally gets with the woman. Her true self is going to come out at some point. No one can suppress their true self forever. It comes out and now it's like, "What is this? I did not sign up for this. Now we're fighting. Now we're stressed because you want him to call you more. He was used to you not being worried about it so much. That's why it's going to always not work out. So it it's extremely unhealthy unless we're presenting a side of us that is truly us and we can sustain it.

A lot of people believe that relationships should be hard and they require hard work and a lot of people believe relationships should be easy and everything should just flow. Where have you kind of discovered your lens on that spectrum? So okay, there's a there's a couple ways to look at it. I think that most relationships, and I'll even be more specific, most relationships that involve connection and true love are typically hard. Not because relationships have to be hard, but because most people have been hurt by something in their life, are holding on to past traumas, haven't resolved it.

Once they meet this individual that they feel so strongly about, it is scary. This is where things get difficult. It's the difficultness in how do I handle this? How do I manage this? You'll have people feel like they're losing themselves, but they're not losing themselves. Their true self is coming out. And it's it's the self that's been hiding behind that wall they've been using for quote unquote protection. But I always say the same walls to protect you, the same walls blocking your blessings. So now they're being pulled from behind it.

It's it's makes them feel some kind of way. And again, people start to mishandle things. You also have situations where people are getting bad advice. Like I'm going to give one example. Um there's this uh uh book called The Game by Neil Strauss. I don't know if you ever read that book, but Neil was great. Neil, you know, you he he went to that world of pickup artistry, learned it, and he was great with the women. But then once he found that woman that he fell in love with, all that stuff doesn't work anymore.

So you have a lot of men being taught how to handle women in general, but they don't understand that's not how you handle the woman you truly love. And so now again, you have individuals who though they are truly in love with this person, they constantly mishandle it with bad guidance, with fear, and all these things. This is what makes it hard. And and I even think that a lot of times the people who are supposed to be together sometimes will have the hardest time getting together.

But I believe that once we're able to conquer that part of it and actually come together, it's not hard. Yes, it takes work. I believe we have to be conscious and mindful of how we treat our partners, how we show up, being willing to listen, but I think it's so much easier to do those things with someone you have a connection with and you're truly in love with. It's going to always feel 10 times harder when you're in the wrong relationship. And I would argue the vast majority of people are in the wrong relationship.

That's why they're seeing it be so difficult. And when you see this whole it's easy, typically it's easy because you have two people who are not digging deeper. They're they're they're trying to ride out that chemistry we talked about earlier for as long as possible. All right. So, yeah, it seems like it's great. It's easy. No issues. But it doesn't really work like that because they're just not facing the reality of the situation. So I think we we have to understand that there is going to be some bumps in the road because of all the things that people have been through, but once we're able to come together and we know this is our partner, this is who we want to share our life with, it can get so much better.

Yeah. And do you do you think that people have just been given generally the wrong education on how to deal with another person in their life? 100%. Because unfortunately a lot of individuals are giving advice from a bitter hurt place. They're and and they're trying to disguise it as I'm I'm just looking out for you. No, you you haven't healed and you cannot properly guide them in a positive and loving manner. Can you give us some example of some of the like not specific people or anything like that?

I just mean like could you give example of bad advice and what about it is bad or unhealthy for people to try and put into practice. Okay. So, one thing I heard recently was an individual told uh said some of the best advice he can give to men is to not fall in love. You know, basically just find a woman you want to be with and kind of keep it there. The reason why I view that as horrible advice is because you sit down with any man who's lived enough life, they will all be able to say there's been at least one time they fell deeply for a woman.

All right? The problem isn't falling deeply for a woman. The problem is we don't know how to handle it once we get there. The problem is because we're not accustomed to handling and processing our emotions a certain kind of way and being this vulnerable. We don't understand what's going to be required of us in that moment. We also kind of lose sight of cuz I'm a big believer in masculine and feminine energy. And I believe that if she was attracted to you because of that masculine energy that you give off and now you become this emotional wreck because you don't know how to handle all these feelings you have for her, well, you start to become less attractive to her.

And it's not that it's not fixable. It's fixable. But again, a lack of understanding and awareness derails a situation. So rather than telling men don't fall in love because it's inevitable, let's teach them how we walk in love, how we ma h what I call loving in your masculine, how you maintain that energy and still be able to pour into that woman in a way that allows relationship to flourish. Yeah. And how does that work when I think obviously a lot of people in that example that you're giving if if the person's attracted to someone because of their masculine energy but at the same time they want them to be empathetic and compassionate and kind which are generally seen as more feminine energy.

How does that person balance the two or is that is that not how you're explaining is that not No, it it's about balance. So we have to understand we all have masculine and feminine energy with within us. I'm a believer in one must be your dominant energy. The other is the one you tap into when necessary. So as a man you can walk in your masculine and in those moments tap into those things. But you can't just stay there all the time. All right? You can't just become this needy emotional guy.

That's not going to work in the vast majority of cases. And so what happens is there's this messaging that's being thrown out there that women don't like good guys. I don't believe that's what it is. I believe that women become less attracted when you don't know how to exude and walk in your masculine energy. It's and and we're hiding behind the label of good guy. You can be a good guy and still exude masculine energy. And that's the thing. And we also think that oh, they like bad boys.

No, if you look deeper, it's really the masculine energy that that quote unquote bad boy exudes. But what they desire is a mixture of both. the same way that we would want a mixture of both. We would want a loving, sweet woman, feminine woman, whatever. Or and and if you're a guy who wants a masculine woman, cool. But you don't want her to be just that, you know? You want her to have the ability to tap into that other side when necessary. I think we all desire that balance in our partner.

And I think it's healthy and and if we just learn how to maintain it and how to nurture it, we would see greater success in relationships. Yeah. What are some of the skills with with mastering that energy that you think we're missing out on in balancing that energy and knowing when to be which in because the reason why it's hard is I think we live in a binary world, right? Like you feel like you have to choose. Like you're either a bad boy or you're good guy.

You're a doer or you're a thinker. You're a winner or you're a loser, right? Like we think like that. And so people go, "Okay, I can either be masculine or I can be feminine." And I I definitely relate to what you were saying like I believe that there is a lot about me that is massively masculine in energy using that language and terminology. My drive, my ambition, how I work, my strategic mind. uh and at the same time I consider myself to have a lot of great feminine energy and qualities where it comes to like empowering others and nurturing and the ability to hold deep compassionate space and be empathetic which are all powerful qualities for for everyone right beyond gender they're powerful qualities and I appreciate and it's taken a long time to know when to be which and it's still and I still make mistakes right there still sometimes like I should have been more assertive or I should have been more affectionate So we live in a world that finds it hard to hold two opposing ideas at the same time.

We don't know how to do that in any sphere of life, let alone within ourselves. So what are some of the skills that we can learn in order to nurture both those energies in a healthy way inside of ourselves? So I think one, it's going to require a lot of if you're already in a relationship, it's going to boil down to a lot of transparency and communication. you know, her if you're that man trying to understand that woman and when you can walk in those two energies, her being willing to be honest and open about, you know what, this was too much over here or I needed some of this over here.

And in time, you're going to become more aware and understanding. It's going to be like second nature to you. You won't have to overthink it. And I think part of it is not overthinking it. It's kind of like being ourselves, but understanding that we have to learn when this is doing too much and vice versa. I also think that in reality for a lot of men, especially uh when we're talking about relationships and kind of losing that masculine energy, the the underlying issue is fear. All right?

When we become so afraid of losing this woman, we lose ourselves. And so, a lot of men now fall into this very feminine, needy space because they're just afraid. We have to learn that. Listen, like to me, I feel if your partner thinks you're never going to walk away from them, no matter what they do, you've lost. That's that's a horrible place to be in. We have to get to a place where we both understand that as long as we show up the way that we need to show up for each other, we have each other's back.

We will be here. But neither of us will tolerate an unhealthy relationship and someone who blatantly does not want to work on making this better. I would want my the woman I'm with to feel that way and I need to feel that way. Once we understand that and you have the confidence of I can walk away if I have to, that shifts your energy right there in itself and now you don't find yourself falling into that place where again you start to look a lot more unattractive or for some men they become yes men in their relationships thinking that makes her happy.

That's turning her off. She doesn't want you to be her yes man. She wants you to stand up for yourself sometimes. Give your opinion, give your perspective. She wants to be able to, you know, if anything, be able to have discussions with you about these things. Not just you say whatever you want. Whatever you want, whatever you want. Over time, it becomes a problem. The problem is that we all see compassion and sweetness and kindness in those moments as a weakness. We don't want to be that person because we see that as losing.

We see that as giving in. We see that as us losing our power and strength in a relationship if we become the comforter or if we become the carer, right? Like that's that's a perception. That is the perception and we have to change that. That is the power position. So who is more powerful? The person that lets the energy dictate them how they're going to react or the person that brings the energy and dictates how they're going to make this situation play out. So, if I'm coming in to calm it down and being all sweet because I'm trying to bring peace here, I'm in the power position.

I'm not losing anything. I'm going to gain more peace and happiness and harmony if I succeed in what I'm trying to do. So, we have to get out of that mindset of this makes us weaker. And and that is a big key of it. That's a big problem that for a lot of women who struggle with their feminine energy, that's a big issue where they feel that being feminine is weakness. It's what got them taken advantage of and got them hurt. But I always say it's not the feminine energy that's the problem.

It's who you give it to. Do they respect it? Do they do they honor it? You know, and it's the same thing as a man. Does she respect your masculine? If she doesn't, then that might just be a sign you're with the wrong person. But don't stop being that guy because the woman who's best for you is going to need that in those moments. But that's exactly what it is. is that when people have been their best selves for the wrong person, that person brings out the worst in them.

Yes. Right. Like when someone's been their best loving, kindest self, but someone took advantage of it, that person now thinks, "Next time I've got to be aggressive. I've got to be, you know, powerful. I've got to be strong in this way." And I feel like that's kind of what most people are dealing with. we know that is that you're just dealing with a wounded version of someone. Yes. Not a healed version of someone. But I think people struggle to trust again and again, especially when they see the same patterns in the person they're with.

And I guess the question is, why do we keep making the same mistakes? Because I feel like a lot of us keep dating the same people. Yeah. And there's a part of us that also just keeps closing off or being more wounded. It's almost like if you cut yourself, you now walk around with your hand over that cut cuz you don't want to get cut again. Mhm. And then if you lead it off and it gets cut even deeper, now you're even more conscious of that.

And so I find that people are doing that where they're closing their heart more and more because it's been so misused and abused. And I understand that. I understand people don't want to be abused and misused. I guess the question is how do people find people that they know respect them so that they can be their best version or be a better version of themselves. So, you know, you can't drive out darkness with more darkness. You can't expose someone who's going to hurt you by being someone who's closed off and holding back yourself.

We have, it's kind of what we were just talking about. We have to look at being vulnerable, loving, and open as not just, well, I'm setting myself up to be hurt. No, it's how you expose people faster. If I come with that energy and you cannot respect it, match it, then I know you don't belong here. But if I hold back, I give you a free pass to hold back. So now we have two individuals who are hiding behind their walls because it's comfortable there, but you can't really see what's what do we really have in front of us.

Those walls are blinding you and you can't properly evaluate the situation. So, one, we we got to get to a place of healing from our past so that we're not just walking around with the hand over the cut. No, you you got to let the cut breathe. You got to let it heal. All right. Holding putting your hand on there is delaying the process. And like you said, all that's going to happen is when you finally take your hand off, but you're taking it off with the wrong person.

And you haven't learned. See, what I want people to realize is your actions weren't the problem. meaning you being loving, sweet, kind, compassionate wasn't the problem. It was the person. Separate those two things so that you don't stop doing the good things. Now, granted, are there levels to this to where we have to learn? Again, if I'm thinking about a man, if you got so deeply emotional to where you kind of lost your your masculine energy and you became very needy, okay, you can say, "All right, I need to continue to be loving, but I know I have to learn how to draw a line.

I have to learn how not to cross that moment. And again, you only crossed it because you were unhealthy to begin with. You only crossed it because you were afraid to begin with. Once you get to that place where you're healthy and confident, you won't find yourself crossing that line anymore. You won't tolerate certain things anymore. So, we have to heal. We have to be confident. And we have to let our light shine so that we can expose what's in front of us easier. That's a brilliant answer.

I I love the differentiation between how sharing your light is not the problem, the person's the problem. Because we Yeah. We start to doubt whether being a good person, a loving person is actually what wins in the world. Yeah. And the truth is that it does win, but it has to win with someone who can receive it and absolutely hold that space with you and share that space with you. We've talked about being the loving and kind person, but sometimes we're being the person that thinks we're loving and kind because we want to improve someone, but that person doesn't want to improve.

One big problem is that what's really driving people to pick that individual is that by being the one that can upgrade you, improve you, I have more value here. By having more value, I have a false sense of security. You have to appreciate me. You're less likely to walk away. you're less likely to cheat because you're lucky to have me. I feel like I'm the prize here. But those situations never really work because again, you're choosing someone that is not capable of pouring into you the way that you need.

You're basing this off of what you could do for them. And that's not sustainable. And you're choosing them because again, you have more emotional control here. What happens to so many people, especially women, it it's something that I call the unhealthy love cycle of women where women in their first love experience outside of any childhood trauma may have experienced, they're their most loving. They're just out there. They go all the way in. But that typically happens at a younger age, at an age where men are not mature enough to handle those kind of emotions, that level of commitment, so on and so forth.

So, she gets hurt. after she gets hurt, her moment is saying to herself, I will never let this happen to me again. So now the woman starts to consciously or subconsciously choose men who are I don't want to say lower than her, but essentially a man who does not take her there. He's good enough to be with, but I'm not that vulnerable with him. He can't hurt me like that first love hurt me. And so that dynamic usually leads to picking that person I can fix, I can make better, who will appreciate and respect me.

But again, it doesn't work out. And many times you'll see these same situations. The guy will move on to cheat on her. Not because, and I have to say this cuz some women think, "Yeah, he's just being a man." No, not because he's a man, but because you chose a man that you could never be the woman that he needed, and he could never be the man that you needed. Once he kind of either gets what he needs from you to build himself up or the smoke clears from him being infatuated with you, he starts to realize, I'm not getting everything that I desire.

And now you building him up has brought him more attention from other women. So now the the difference between what you're not giving him and what someone else is willing to give him becomes way clearer. Now the temptation gets way stronger and he ends up doing something or she ends up cheating as well because he's safe but he doesn't fulfill her. He doesn't satisfy her. He he he doesn't excite her in any kind of way. And that's why I always said earlier like the safe choice is almost always the wrong choice.

But that is a function of people trying to choose these fixer uppers because they think it's going to give them some leverage there. It's leverage. That's it. Yeah. It's leverage. Yeah. How do you know when it's time to go? Like how do you know when it's like I feel like this is a common question where it's like how do you know when it's just I've tried everything. We've tried together, tried our best. Maybe we went to therapy. Maybe we got a coach or maybe you know maybe we didn't do those things.

How do I just know that I feel like I need to go but I'm scared of being alone. Yeah. I'm I'm scared of dealing with the reality that I put in a lot of energy. And I feel like you said this earlier, but a lot of people stay in something for a lot longer than they should because they'd rather not be alone. They'd rather not face reality. They'd rather not lose two years of their life. They'd rather lose two more thinking that this this should stay like, how do you know when it's time to go?

Let me first say this. I think I think society needs to change their thinking as far as letting go doesn't always mean it can't work out later. It's just that it cannot work out under these circumstances. All right? Cuz some people say, "Well, I feel like they're the one." Okay, maybe they are, but maybe the time is not right. And it's letting go that will allow you both to do what needs to be done in your own personal lives that will allow you two to come back together and have something way more amazing.

M. So that's number one thing to consider. But outside of that, it's when one, if that person is unwilling to put in the work necessary, it's time to go. There's like so many times I I'll have a video go up about communication and someone will comment saying, "I've tried talking to him and he doesn't want to talk to me." And in my head I'm like, "But why are you still with them?" If he refuses to talk to you, you've already tried. There's nothing else to do.

But people will let it linger on and continue why they con why they consistently complain or unhappy about this specific issue. It's not going to magically get better. They're not going to just change it just because all of a sudden they see, oh, it needs to change. No. If they're fighting it now, they have no reason to change it. And what people have to understand, you know, especially with this whole trying to fix people up, healing and facing your traumas is one of the hardest things for people to do.

So, if they already have you in their life, they're essentially getting the incentive or the benefit of relationship without having to do the deeper work. It's almost like if I'm at a job and the job says you need to have a master's degree to work here, but we're going to hire you anyway and give you time to get that master's degree. If getting that degree is super hard to you, you're going to drag that out as long as possible. You may never get the degree until they fire you.

when they fire you and you realize, "Oh my gosh, did I if I don't do this, I'll never get this person back. I'll never get this opportunity back." Now, they might go and get it because it's very tough to walk down the path of the healing process. So, if they're not willing to work on it, you guys have already discussed it. And I think that's a big thing because there's a lot of relationships that end and the couples don't even know what the real issue was.

So, the communication, they'll say, "Well, we talked about, no, you guys argued. you guys lashed out. There wasn't a clear communication as to what the problem was, what is expected, how do we go about this. If you've done that, and I believe one of the most effective ways to do that is through a letter. Cuz I feel like verbal communication of deep issues and concerns, they typically don't go well. You know, people get distracted, they forget what they want to say, the other person gets defensive, they're not they're listening to rebuttal not to understand.

But when there's a letter involved, it gives you time to get everything out. You can you can evaluate your tone, leave no stone unturned, and now they have an opportunity to process it on their time to really take it in. And then you guys can come together and discuss the letter. And now it's so much easier to stay on point and get everything covered. If we've done that and they're still unwilling or there's still no progress, it's time to go. Yeah, that's great. That's great advice.

And I for me that's the biggest one. It's like you can't make something last if only one person's working on it. You can't keep hoping and waiting and wishing and and like you said that ending doesn't mean forever. And often I found that two people need to grow individually to be able to grow collectively. And we're forcing growing together so hard, but we need space to grow. And if you can't grow together, chances are you need to grow apart in order to see whether you grow together again or grow for someone else.

And all of those options are okay. But we put so much pressure on people to grow together that they grow apart. Yeah. And actually, if they chose to grow apart and grow separately, they could come back together if they learned the lessons. And I think that's a mistake, too, that sometimes people think, I'm going to go learn this lesson for this person. I meet a lot of people, they're like, okay, they broke up with me because I wasn't XYZ, now I'm going to go become XYZ to win them back.

Yeah. And I always find I'm just like, well, no, you should go become XYZ if you think you are missing XYZ, but not to win them back because you don't know what they're going to do. What's your take on people trying to win people back? So, I 100% agree with you. Like, if we're trying to learn or grow, it needs to be for the benefit of who we are and just whoever we deal with. So, it's almost like if I was a bad communicator in this relationship, I shouldn't learn to better communicate for that person.

I need to better communicate for whoever I'm going to be with. If you can't see it in that light, then maybe you're looking at the wrong thing. My thing is this. I think it all depends on what the details of the situation was. What led to the breakup? What were you overlooking? What was missing? Are these fixable issues? Because a lot of people are trying to win back someone where the issues are not resolved. So, it's like, what's the point of going back? We're just going to go in the same cycle all over again.

They're letting this idea of I miss them. I don't want to be without them blind them from the fact that you two did not get along well or you two don't want the same things or you you two just whatever it is, maybe there's a lack of sexual satisfaction. I don't know why I felt the need to mention that, but that's it happens a lot of times. You have to stay focused on what led to the end and can this be corrected? If it can, cool.

But as you mentioned, correcting it does not guarantee you they're coming back. And even if they will come back, you don't know when they may need. So, you may have figured yourself out in 6 months, they might need a year. And I would argue if you guys are truly meant for each other and they needed a year, you need a year, too. You're just overlooking some things and you're rushing the process because you want to get back to them. Yeah. It's I've never found a situation where it was truly only one person who had problems and the other person was squeaky clean.

No, no, no, no. You thought you were, but you had some stuff too you needed to correct, of course. So I think we have to be honest with ourselves and just keep striving to be better and rather than focus on winning them back. Just become the best you because if you do and there's a true connection there, the opportunity will present itself again and you two will be able to make something of it. If this clip brought you value and you'd like to watch something else, this next video has been chosen especially for you based on your viewing behaviors.

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