Lawyer Reveals the Exact Words that End Any Argument - Jefferson Fisher

I was speaking to someone. They said I was speaking to someone. They said they're scared that if they share how they're scared that if they share how they're scared that if they share how they feel, they may push the other they feel, they may push the other they feel, they may push the other person away. Talk to me about that. person away. Talk to me about that. person away. Talk to me about that. >> Number one, it's a valid fear. I'm not >> Number one, it's a valid fear. I'm not >> Number one, it's a valid fear. I'm not going to say that that fear isn't valid. going to say that that fear isn't valid. going to say that that fear isn't valid. I think anybody here that go, "Well, I think anybody here that go, "Well, I think anybody here that go, "Well, that's certainly understandable. What if that's certainly understandable. What if that's certainly understandable. What if they don't?" It's always the what if they don't?" It's always the what if they don't?" It's always the what if they do? Well, okay. Let's let's assume they do? Well, okay. Let's let's assume they do? Well, okay. Let's let's assume that they do. What happens next? If they that they do. What happens next? If they that they do. What happens next? If they do, you push them away. What happens? do, you push them away. What happens? do, you push them away. What happens? It's it's seeing that your life isn't It's it's seeing that your life isn't It's it's seeing that your life isn't going to fall apart. Now, if I come into going to fall apart. Now, if I come into going to fall apart. Now, if I come into the conversation and I am not trying to the conversation and I am not trying to the conversation and I am not trying to sugarcoat it, and if I'm not trying to sugarcoat it, and if I'm not trying to sugarcoat it, and if I'm not trying to make it to where I'm only saying things make it to where I'm only saying things make it to where I'm only saying things to plate you to to make you feel good to plate you to to make you feel good to plate you to to make you feel good and not being genuine, I've already set and not being genuine, I've already set and not being genuine, I've already set up the conversation and I've set up the up the conversation and I've set up the up the conversation and I've set up the relationship on relationship on relationship on fake. I'm just giving you a mask. I'm fake. I'm just giving you a mask. I'm fake. I'm just giving you a mask. I'm giving you a character of what I can giving you a character of what I can giving you a character of what I can tell is going to appease you. I'm going tell is going to appease you. I'm going tell is going to appease you. I'm going to be the the hero. I'm going to be the to be the the hero. I'm going to be the to be the the hero. I'm going to be the fixer. I'm going to be the happy one. fixer. I'm going to be the happy one. fixer. I'm going to be the happy one. I'm going to be the one who's always I'm going to be the one who's always I'm going to be the one who's always bubbly and can never be sad. And you you bubbly and can never be sad. And you you bubbly and can never be sad. And you you give them a character. When you choose give them a character. When you choose give them a character. When you choose not to be authentic in the conversation. not to be authentic in the conversation. not to be authentic in the conversation. So the thought of, you know, if I do So the thought of, you know, if I do So the thought of, you know, if I do this, I'm going to push them away. And this, I'm going to push them away. And this, I'm going to push them away. And if you do, what happens? That's really if you do, what happens? That's really if you do, what happens? That's really what the fear is. Am I enough by myself? what the fear is. Am I enough by myself? what the fear is. Am I enough by myself? That's that's the underlying fear. And That's that's the underlying fear. And That's that's the underlying fear. And when you realize I can be enough without when you realize I can be enough without when you realize I can be enough without them, all those fears go away. them, all those fears go away. them, all those fears go away. >> Yeah. And that's what we're all working >> Yeah. And that's what we're all working >> Yeah. And that's what we're all working towards, I feel, is towards, I feel, is towards, I feel, is >> yeah, am I enough? >> yeah, am I enough? >> yeah, am I enough? >> Am I enough? And it's so interesting. >> Am I enough? And it's so interesting. >> Am I enough? And it's so interesting. That's exact. I was talking to that That's exact. I was talking to that That's exact. I was talking to that person and I said, you know, after you person and I said, you know, after you person and I said, you know, after you have that conversation or whether you have that conversation or whether you have that conversation or whether you choose not to, I think self- loveve choose not to, I think self- loveve choose not to, I think self- loveve needs to be worked on either way because needs to be worked on either way because needs to be worked on either way because that's right. that's right. that's right. >> That that's at the root of it. What What >> That that's at the root of it. What What >> That that's at the root of it. What What do you feel? You've been doing this for do you feel? You've been doing this for do you feel? You've been doing this for some time. You come from the legal some time. You come from the legal some time. You come from the legal world. world. world. >> What's the number one communication >> What's the number one communication >> What's the number one communication mistake you see people making today? mistake you see people making today? mistake you see people making today? >> [laughter] >> [laughter] >> [laughter] >> The one that I make too is that you >> The one that I make too is that you >> The one that I make too is that you think that what is said think that what is said think that what is said >> is exactly what's heard. >> is exactly what's heard. >> is exactly what's heard. >> Especially in in relationships. How many >> Especially in in relationships. How many >> Especially in in relationships. How many times in a relationship have they kind times in a relationship have they kind times in a relationship have they kind of repeated back what you said? Well, of repeated back what you said? Well, of repeated back what you said? Well, you said and that's not what I said. you said and that's not what I said. you said and that's not what I said. >> I didn't sound like that. That's not how >> I didn't sound like that. That's not how >> I didn't sound like that. That's not how I said it. And you start arguing. They I said it. And you start arguing. They I said it. And you start arguing. They go, "Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did." And go, "Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did." And go, "Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did." And they go, "I wish I had this recorded. they go, "I wish I had this recorded. they go, "I wish I had this recorded. You know, I wish this I had this on You know, I wish this I had this on You know, I wish this I had this on camera that you could have seen back how camera that you could have seen back how camera that you could have seen back how you just spoke to me." And instead we you just spoke to me." And instead we you just spoke to me." And instead we just we start fighting over how I said just we start fighting over how I said just we start fighting over how I said it. it. it. >> The better way to go is to say what did >> The better way to go is to say what did >> The better way to go is to say what did you hear? What did what did you hear? you hear? What did what did you hear? you hear? What did what did you hear? Oh, okay. That's that's not at all what Oh, okay. That's that's not at all what Oh, okay. That's that's not at all what I meant. Can I can I have a let me let I meant. Can I can I have a let me let I meant. Can I can I have a let me let me redo that. That's not at all what I me redo that. That's not at all what I me redo that. That's not at all what I meant. Instead, we just we split the meant. Instead, we just we split the meant. Instead, we just we split the conversation into something that has conversation into something that has conversation into something that has nothing to do with what you the original nothing to do with what you the original nothing to do with what you the original source. So the number one communication source. So the number one communication source. So the number one communication that fault that I see is assuming that that fault that I see is assuming that that fault that I see is assuming that what is said is exactly what is heard. what is said is exactly what is heard. what is said is exactly what is heard. When you ask the question, what did you When you ask the question, what did you When you ask the question, what did you hear? Whether it's even in business or hear? Whether it's even in business or hear? Whether it's even in business or in relationships, you always get a in relationships, you always get a in relationships, you always get a different perspective that makes the different perspective that makes the different perspective that makes the connection that much stronger. connection that much stronger. connection that much stronger. >> You're so right. You end up splitting >> You're so right. You end up splitting >> You're so right. You end up splitting the conversation and you end up arguing the conversation and you end up arguing the conversation and you end up arguing about something that you weren't even about something that you weren't even about something that you weren't even arguing about. arguing about. arguing about. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> And that's the worst part because you >> And that's the worst part because you >> And that's the worst part because you end up creating something that is now an end up creating something that is now an end up creating something that is now an issue that wasn't even an issue in the issue that wasn't even an issue in the issue that wasn't even an issue in the first place. first place. first place. >> Absolutely. And it ends up that >> Absolutely. And it ends up that >> Absolutely. And it ends up that you will prove yourself wrong. I mean, you will prove yourself wrong. I mean, you will prove yourself wrong. I mean, when you say, "No, this is exactly how I when you say, "No, this is exactly how I when you say, "No, this is exactly how I said it." We don't even really know what said it." We don't even really know what said it." We don't even really know what our face looks like, you know, when our face looks like, you know, when our face looks like, you know, when we're talking. Unless you're the in a we're talking. Unless you're the in a we're talking. Unless you're the in a mirror the whole time. You You don't mirror the whole time. You You don't mirror the whole time. You You don't know. And so, we we are terrible know. And so, we we are terrible know. And so, we we are terrible >> judges of our subjective expressions. >> judges of our subjective expressions. >> judges of our subjective expressions. >> They say, "No, I that's not how I said >> They say, "No, I that's not how I said >> They say, "No, I that's not how I said it. No, that's not what I that's not how it. No, that's not what I that's not how it. No, that's not what I that's not how I said it." And yes, you did. Yeah. And I said it." And yes, you did. Yeah. And I said it." And yes, you did. Yeah. And so that that is to me it's if you want so that that is to me it's if you want so that that is to me it's if you want to know somebody that has strong to know somebody that has strong to know somebody that has strong emotional intelligence, it's how quick emotional intelligence, it's how quick emotional intelligence, it's how quick they get to asking for a reset. they get to asking for a reset. they get to asking for a reset. >> How quick they get to saying that's not >> How quick they get to saying that's not >> How quick they get to saying that's not my intention. My intention was this. Ah, my intention. My intention was this. Ah, my intention. My intention was this. Ah, okay. I can see that. The quicker that okay. I can see that. The quicker that okay. I can see that. The quicker that you get to that, that's somebody who you get to that, that's somebody who you get to that, that's somebody who says I'm okay being wrong. What does it says I'm okay being wrong. What does it says I'm okay being wrong. What does it take for someone who always thinks take for someone who always thinks take for someone who always thinks they're right to open up to the idea they're right to open up to the idea they're right to open up to the idea that they might be wrong? that they might be wrong? that they might be wrong? >> The person in front of you isn't >> The person in front of you isn't >> The person in front of you isn't fighting you. They're fighting to be fighting you. They're fighting to be fighting you. They're fighting to be understood by you. They're fighting to understood by you. They're fighting to understood by you. They're fighting to feel understood by you. When somebody's feel understood by you. When somebody's feel understood by you. When somebody's clammed up and you have to say, "You clammed up and you have to say, "You clammed up and you have to say, "You need to change your opinion. You need to need to change your opinion. You need to need to change your opinion. You need to change your opinion. You're right. I'm change your opinion. You're right. I'm change your opinion. You're right. I'm wrong." That's not going to happen. You wrong." That's not going to happen. You wrong." That's not going to happen. You can't just wish for that. Instead, if I can't just wish for that. Instead, if I can't just wish for that. Instead, if I were to say to you, listen, I'm not here were to say to you, listen, I'm not here were to say to you, listen, I'm not here to change your mind, Jay. This is what I to change your mind, Jay. This is what I to change your mind, Jay. This is what I believe. You hear how just me saying believe. You hear how just me saying believe. You hear how just me saying that all of a sudden opens up that that all of a sudden opens up that that all of a sudden opens up that curiosity of, well, maybe I do want to curiosity of, well, maybe I do want to curiosity of, well, maybe I do want to change my mind. change my mind. change my mind. >> I don't really know. But if I were to >> I don't really know. But if I were to >> I don't really know. But if I were to say, how can you possibly think that you say, how can you possibly think that you say, how can you possibly think that you you really think that that person is the you really think that that person is the you really think that that person is the person you should be voting for? You person you should be voting for? You person you should be voting for? You think that? And as soon as I get into think that? And as soon as I get into think that? And as soon as I get into criticism, the more I tell you that criticism, the more I tell you that criticism, the more I tell you that you're wrong, the more convinced you'll you're wrong, the more convinced you'll you're wrong, the more convinced you'll be that you're right. Because most be that you're right. Because most be that you're right. Because most likely, if I want you to change your likely, if I want you to change your likely, if I want you to change your mind and I say that you're wrong about mind and I say that you're wrong about mind and I say that you're wrong about something, Jay, I'm not just saying something, Jay, I'm not just saying something, Jay, I'm not just saying you're wrong. I'm saying that your you're wrong. I'm saying that your you're wrong. I'm saying that your wife's wrong, your dad's wrong, your wife's wrong, your dad's wrong, your wife's wrong, your dad's wrong, your parents are wrong, your grandmother is parents are wrong, your grandmother is parents are wrong, your grandmother is wrong. that thing that you went to when wrong. that thing that you went to when wrong. that thing that you went to when you were a kid that's a big you were a kid that's a big you were a kid that's a big crystallizing moment in your life that crystallizing moment in your life that crystallizing moment in your life that that set your belief system is all wrong that set your belief system is all wrong that set your belief system is all wrong and it's become part of your identity. and it's become part of your identity. and it's become part of your identity. And so instead of me fighting I think And so instead of me fighting I think And so instead of me fighting I think I'm fighting an opinion. I'm not. I'm I'm fighting an opinion. I'm not. I'm I'm fighting an opinion. I'm not. I'm fighting now your identity. And people fighting now your identity. And people fighting now your identity. And people will go to the ends of the earth. They will go to the ends of the earth. They will go to the ends of the earth. They will close off everything. They will box will close off everything. They will box will close off everything. They will box their ears to prevent having to change their ears to prevent having to change their ears to prevent having to change one second of their identity. Why? one second of their identity. Why? one second of their identity. Why? Because that change feels extremely Because that change feels extremely Because that change feels extremely scary. That's why evidence doesn't work. scary. That's why evidence doesn't work. scary. That's why evidence doesn't work. When you show people statistics on When you show people statistics on When you show people statistics on things, how can you possibly believe things, how can you possibly believe things, how can you possibly believe this? And they go, I just, no, it this? And they go, I just, no, it this? And they go, I just, no, it doesn't matter. It they will justify it. doesn't matter. It they will justify it. doesn't matter. It they will justify it. They will flip it. They will find find They will flip it. They will find find They will flip it. They will find find ways to to take what supports them or ways to to take what supports them or ways to to take what supports them or reject anything that that doesn't. It's reject anything that that doesn't. It's reject anything that that doesn't. It's because it's now part of their identity. because it's now part of their identity. because it's now part of their identity. So, if you want to change somebody's So, if you want to change somebody's So, if you want to change somebody's mind, number one, you have to validate mind, number one, you have to validate mind, number one, you have to validate them. Two, you can't argue against the them. Two, you can't argue against the them. Two, you can't argue against the identity. You have to argue against the identity. You have to argue against the identity. You have to argue against the value. You have to find the value. Speak value. You have to find the value. Speak value. You have to find the value. Speak to the value. And three, understand that to the value. And three, understand that to the value. And three, understand that one conversation is generally not one conversation is generally not one conversation is generally not enough. If you want somebody to change enough. If you want somebody to change enough. If you want somebody to change their mind, it takes years. It takes their mind, it takes years. It takes their mind, it takes years. It takes months. And the bigger the belief, the months. And the bigger the belief, the months. And the bigger the belief, the more time it's going to take. more time it's going to take. more time it's going to take. >> A lot of people want to have >> A lot of people want to have >> A lot of people want to have conversations with their partners or conversations with their partners or conversations with their partners or their parents or a sibling, their parents or a sibling, their parents or a sibling, >> but they don't find that that person >> but they don't find that that person >> but they don't find that that person wants to communicate about that topic or wants to communicate about that topic or wants to communicate about that topic or theme or subject. theme or subject. theme or subject. >> Yeah. So, how do we communicate with >> Yeah. So, how do we communicate with >> Yeah. So, how do we communicate with someone who doesn't want to communicate someone who doesn't want to communicate someone who doesn't want to communicate with us? Because often that could be our with us? Because often that could be our with us? Because often that could be our partner, our parent, or someone that we partner, our parent, or someone that we partner, our parent, or someone that we love deeply. love deeply. love deeply. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And we want to talk to them about >> And we want to talk to them about >> And we want to talk to them about something meaningful, but they don't something meaningful, but they don't something meaningful, but they don't really even want to engage. Is it really even want to engage. Is it really even want to engage. Is it possible? possible? possible? >> It's possible. >> It's possible. >> It's possible. I get a lot of questions of people who I get a lot of questions of people who I get a lot of questions of people who are estranged from usually adult are estranged from usually adult are estranged from usually adult children. there's, you know, their children. there's, you know, their children. there's, you know, their 30year-old son doesn't want to talk to 30year-old son doesn't want to talk to 30year-old son doesn't want to talk to his mom or a a daughter who doesn't want his mom or a a daughter who doesn't want his mom or a a daughter who doesn't want to talk to her dad and they haven't to talk to her dad and they haven't to talk to her dad and they haven't spoken in three years. And every time I spoken in three years. And every time I spoken in three years. And every time I have that kind of conversation, it it have that kind of conversation, it it have that kind of conversation, it it breaks my heart because you can tell and breaks my heart because you can tell and breaks my heart because you can tell and look at this parent, they want to have a look at this parent, they want to have a look at this parent, they want to have a conversation with their child. And you conversation with their child. And you conversation with their child. And you know, deep down, so does that that know, deep down, so does that that know, deep down, so does that that child. They need that relationship. How child. They need that relationship. How child. They need that relationship. How do you how do you crack that code? What do you how do you crack that code? What do you how do you crack that code? What I have found most successful and what I I have found most successful and what I I have found most successful and what I teach them is I begin with saying I know teach them is I begin with saying I know teach them is I begin with saying I know I'm not and I'm open. And it sounds like I'm not and I'm open. And it sounds like I'm not and I'm open. And it sounds like this. I know there's distance between this. I know there's distance between this. I know there's distance between us. I know things aren't how we both us. I know things aren't how we both us. I know things aren't how we both want them to be. I know I've messed up. want them to be. I know I've messed up. want them to be. I know I've messed up. Whatever that is. I you you're saying Whatever that is. I you you're saying Whatever that is. I you you're saying what is a given to is I'm not I'm not what is a given to is I'm not I'm not what is a given to is I'm not I'm not asking to change your mind. I'm not asking to change your mind. I'm not asking to change your mind. I'm not asking for an apology. I'm not asking asking for an apology. I'm not asking asking for an apology. I'm not asking for whatever it is what they think for whatever it is what they think for whatever it is what they think that's what you're after. And three is that's what you're after. And three is that's what you're after. And three is I'm open. I'm open to a conversation. I'm open. I'm open to a conversation. I'm open. I'm open to a conversation. I'm open and I'm open I'm open to I'm open and I'm open I'm open to I'm open and I'm open I'm open to listening. I'm open in I'm open to listening. I'm open in I'm open to listening. I'm open in I'm open to understanding. Whenever you can just understanding. Whenever you can just understanding. Whenever you can just crack the door open of saying the crack the door open of saying the crack the door open of saying the conversation is here. And sometimes conversation is here. And sometimes conversation is here. And sometimes that's not enough. They're not going to that's not enough. They're not going to that's not enough. They're not going to do it. And in that case, what I like to do it. And in that case, what I like to do it. And in that case, what I like to say is then you have to live out the say is then you have to live out the say is then you have to live out the conversation and understand that if you conversation and understand that if you conversation and understand that if you can't be a bridge, be a lighthouse. You can't be a bridge, be a lighthouse. You can't be a bridge, be a lighthouse. You know, if I if they don't want to come know, if I if they don't want to come know, if I if they don't want to come across to me and they've burned the across to me and they've burned the across to me and they've burned the bridge, well, then they're at least bridge, well, then they're at least bridge, well, then they're at least going to know where I am and they're going to know where I am and they're going to know where I am and they're going to know what I stand for and going to know what I stand for and going to know what I stand for and they're going to see the light that I they're going to see the light that I they're going to see the light that I I'm going to try to bring even if they I'm going to try to bring even if they I'm going to try to bring even if they don't want to talk. don't want to talk. don't want to talk. >> I know I'm not. I'm open. >> I know I'm not. I'm open. >> I know I'm not. I'm open. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> I really like that. >> I really like that. >> I really like that. >> I I really really like that. Especially >> I I really really like that. Especially >> I I really really like that. Especially the I'm not. the I'm not. the I'm not. >> Right. Exactly. I feel like that's such >> Right. Exactly. I feel like that's such >> Right. Exactly. I feel like that's such an important one because I feel like an important one because I feel like an important one because I feel like half the time it's like half the time it's like half the time it's like >> I I know we're not where we want to be, >> I I know we're not where we want to be, >> I I know we're not where we want to be, but I'd love it if you but I'd love it if you but I'd love it if you >> you got it. Yeah. Exactly. They're >> you got it. Yeah. Exactly. They're >> you got it. Yeah. Exactly. They're waiting for the you know, I know there's waiting for the you know, I know there's waiting for the you know, I know there's distance, but you just, you know, and distance, but you just, you know, and distance, but you just, you know, and they're expecting who's going to they're expecting who's going to they're expecting who's going to apologize first. apologize first. apologize first. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> I think that that for relationships and >> I think that that for relationships and >> I think that that for relationships and family, you know, the hard stuff, it family, you know, the hard stuff, it family, you know, the hard stuff, it becomes this petty fight over, well, I'm becomes this petty fight over, well, I'm becomes this petty fight over, well, I'm not doing anything till they apologize. not doing anything till they apologize. not doing anything till they apologize. And well, okay, you do it at your own And well, okay, you do it at your own And well, okay, you do it at your own peril. Then say goodbye to it. Say peril. Then say goodbye to it. Say peril. Then say goodbye to it. Say goodbye to it because they both dug in goodbye to it because they both dug in goodbye to it because they both dug in their heels and nobody's going to change their heels and nobody's going to change their heels and nobody's going to change unless somebody decides to do something unless somebody decides to do something unless somebody decides to do something different. different. different. >> And when you can just change the >> And when you can just change the >> And when you can just change the narrative by 1% and say, I'm going to go narrative by 1% and say, I'm going to go narrative by 1% and say, I'm going to go off on a ledge and do something off on a ledge and do something off on a ledge and do something different. I've seen more relationships different. I've seen more relationships different. I've seen more relationships come back together. I've seen more come back together. I've seen more come back together. I've seen more people come back and say, thank you so people come back and say, thank you so people come back and say, thank you so much. I we're actually going to meet up much. I we're actually going to meet up much. I we're actually going to meet up for coffee. She's coming to Christmas for coffee. She's coming to Christmas for coffee. She's coming to Christmas this year. Oh my gosh. Like that. What this year. Oh my gosh. Like that. What this year. Oh my gosh. Like that. What What is life not about if not that? What is life not about if not that? What is life not about if not that? >> I really hope everyone who's listening >> I really hope everyone who's listening >> I really hope everyone who's listening or watching, you know, tries that out. or watching, you know, tries that out. or watching, you know, tries that out. >> You do that so well. You know, I've seen >> You do that so well. You know, I've seen >> You do that so well. You know, I've seen that with you'll say, "When's the last that with you'll say, "When's the last that with you'll say, "When's the last time you talked to somebody? time you talked to somebody? time you talked to somebody? >> Grab your phone. Call them. Call them >> Grab your phone. Call them. Call them >> Grab your phone. Call them. Call them now." now." now." >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Call them now. Why? Why wait? Was would >> Call them now. Why? Why wait? Was would >> Call them now. Why? Why wait? Was would you have to wait to be ready? Call them you have to wait to be ready? Call them you have to wait to be ready? Call them now. And when you choose to do something now. And when you choose to do something now. And when you choose to do something different, you choose to be the first. different, you choose to be the first. different, you choose to be the first. They say, "Oh, you know, I'm tired of They say, "Oh, you know, I'm tired of They say, "Oh, you know, I'm tired of being the bigger person." Well, that's being the bigger person." Well, that's being the bigger person." Well, that's >> that's life. Then you then you do it >> that's life. Then you then you do it >> that's life. Then you then you do it with the understanding that things are with the understanding that things are with the understanding that things are not going to be different unless not going to be different unless not going to be different unless something is different. something is different. something is different. >> Yeah. Yeah. I always I always come back >> Yeah. Yeah. I always I always come back >> Yeah. Yeah. I always I always come back to what is the outcome that I want. to what is the outcome that I want. to what is the outcome that I want. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Like if the outcome I want is for this >> Like if the outcome I want is for this >> Like if the outcome I want is for this person and know how I feel then I might person and know how I feel then I might person and know how I feel then I might have to be the bigger person. I might have to be the bigger person. I might have to be the bigger person. I might have to be first. have to be first. have to be first. >> I might have to be apologetic. I might >> I might have to be apologetic. I might >> I might have to be apologetic. I might have to be more compassionate. Mhm. have to be more compassionate. Mhm. have to be more compassionate. Mhm. >> But if that serves my ultimate goal, >> But if that serves my ultimate goal, >> But if that serves my ultimate goal, which is this person knows how I feel, which is this person knows how I feel, which is this person knows how I feel, then I should be willing to become then I should be willing to become then I should be willing to become anything. anything. anything. >> That's right. >> That's right. >> That's right. >> But if my goal is to set a boundary and >> But if my goal is to set a boundary and >> But if my goal is to set a boundary and not let someone cross it, not let someone cross it, not let someone cross it, >> right? >> right? >> right? >> Then I may actually even have to become >> Then I may actually even have to become >> Then I may actually even have to become more guarded. I may have to become more more guarded. I may have to become more more guarded. I may have to become more reserved. I may have to I have to become reserved. I may have to I have to become reserved. I may have to I have to become all these other things. And then you all these other things. And then you all these other things. And then you say, "Oh, but I don't want to be say, "Oh, but I don't want to be say, "Oh, but I don't want to be reserved." But it's like, but that reserved." But it's like, but that reserved." But it's like, but that serves your goal. serves your goal. serves your goal. >> Absolutely. >> Absolutely. >> Absolutely. >> And and so you've got to know what your >> And and so you've got to know what your >> And and so you've got to know what your objective is or what your what your goal objective is or what your what your goal objective is or what your what your goal is of any conversation. And I know you is of any conversation. And I know you is of any conversation. And I know you talk about how winning is never the goal talk about how winning is never the goal talk about how winning is never the goal of any argument, of any argument, of any argument, >> even though that's what we all think. >> even though that's what we all think. >> even though that's what we all think. >> Yeah. Especially being a an attorney, >> Yeah. Especially being a an attorney, >> Yeah. Especially being a an attorney, people are like what you're supposed to people are like what you're supposed to people are like what you're supposed to do. And it's not that's just not the do. And it's not that's just not the do. And it's not that's just not the that's not the truth. It's not like it that's not the truth. It's not like it that's not the truth. It's not like it is on TV. What I teach is arguments are is on TV. What I teach is arguments are is on TV. What I teach is arguments are not something to win. They're something not something to win. They're something not something to win. They're something to unravel. You find knots in to unravel. You find knots in to unravel. You find knots in conversations. In law, there's this conversations. In law, there's this conversations. In law, there's this thing called the jury instructions. thing called the jury instructions. thing called the jury instructions. Meaning at the very end of the trial, Meaning at the very end of the trial, Meaning at the very end of the trial, let's say you've you've had two weeks let's say you've you've had two weeks let's say you've you've had two weeks worth of evidence, you had openings, all worth of evidence, you had openings, all worth of evidence, you had openings, all all your your motions, and you're all your your motions, and you're all your your motions, and you're finally at the end, and the juryy's finally at the end, and the juryy's finally at the end, and the juryy's about to go back and make a decision on about to go back and make a decision on about to go back and make a decision on something. They have a document called something. They have a document called something. They have a document called the jury instructions, and it's written the jury instructions, and it's written the jury instructions, and it's written out who's responsible, this person, this out who's responsible, this person, this out who's responsible, this person, this person. They do this, yes or no? They person. They do this, yes or no? They person. They do this, yes or no? They add percentages, they might add money, add percentages, they might add money, add percentages, they might add money, whatever it is. It is this document that whatever it is. It is this document that whatever it is. It is this document that controls the ultimate outcome of the controls the ultimate outcome of the controls the ultimate outcome of the entire case. And good attorneys start entire case. And good attorneys start entire case. And good attorneys start with the jury instructions when they with the jury instructions when they with the jury instructions when they first get a new file. Bad attorneys wait first get a new file. Bad attorneys wait first get a new file. Bad attorneys wait till the very end. Same way in till the very end. Same way in till the very end. Same way in relationships. Like you mentioned, if I relationships. Like you mentioned, if I relationships. Like you mentioned, if I know where the goal is, everything else know where the goal is, everything else know where the goal is, everything else becomes fluff. Everything else becomes becomes fluff. Everything else becomes becomes fluff. Everything else becomes irrelevant. So what if they said that irrelevant. So what if they said that irrelevant. So what if they said that thing two years ago that you could bring thing two years ago that you could bring thing two years ago that you could bring up? So what if they, you know, said it a up? So what if they, you know, said it a up? So what if they, you know, said it a way that they rolled their eyes? Can can way that they rolled their eyes? Can can way that they rolled their eyes? Can can you have a little bit more emotional you have a little bit more emotional you have a little bit more emotional resilience to understand what's resilience to understand what's resilience to understand what's happening in that moment to not be happening in that moment to not be happening in that moment to not be clouded by the forest, clouded by the forest, clouded by the forest, you know, the trees through the forest you know, the trees through the forest you know, the trees through the forest to be able to see what's happening in to be able to see what's happening in to be able to see what's happening in real life. So start with your end. Have real life. So start with your end. Have real life. So start with your end. Have a goal for the conversation a goal for the conversation a goal for the conversation and and make sure if I if I could say and and make sure if I if I could say and and make sure if I if I could say with you, let's say you and I are off with you, let's say you and I are off with you, let's say you and I are off and I say, Jay, I I know we're about to and I say, Jay, I I know we're about to and I say, Jay, I I know we're about to have a difficult conversation and I want have a difficult conversation and I want have a difficult conversation and I want you to know I'm going to be in it here you to know I'm going to be in it here you to know I'm going to be in it here with you. How encouraged do you feel of with you. How encouraged do you feel of with you. How encouraged do you feel of knowing I'm not trying to abandon you in knowing I'm not trying to abandon you in knowing I'm not trying to abandon you in it. I'm not trying to push something at it. I'm not trying to push something at it. I'm not trying to push something at you. And when you are able to slow it you. And when you are able to slow it you. And when you are able to slow it down and see arguments as not something down and see arguments as not something down and see arguments as not something to win, but something to unravel, you to win, but something to unravel, you to win, but something to unravel, you find so much more in the connection. find so much more in the connection. find so much more in the connection. >> If you've been with someone for long >> If you've been with someone for long >> If you've been with someone for long enough, they're going to end up saying enough, they're going to end up saying enough, they're going to end up saying something that will trigger you or that something that will trigger you or that something that will trigger you or that will undoubtedly. will undoubtedly. will undoubtedly. >> Yeah. Undoubted if you've been to >> Yeah. Undoubted if you've been to >> Yeah. Undoubted if you've been to someone long enough. someone long enough. someone long enough. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> When your partner says something that >> When your partner says something that >> When your partner says something that triggers you, triggers you, triggers you, >> what do you do? >> what do you do? >> what do you do? >> You tell them in a way that communicates >> You tell them in a way that communicates >> You tell them in a way that communicates it that it sinks in. If something is it that it sinks in. If something is it that it sinks in. If something is said to me by Sierra and it it triggers said to me by Sierra and it it triggers said to me by Sierra and it it triggers me. One is there is a mindset to me in me. One is there is a mindset to me in me. One is there is a mindset to me in in any relationship that you have to in any relationship that you have to in any relationship that you have to have that says this is a place where I have that says this is a place where I have that says this is a place where I can be messy. This is a place where I can be messy. This is a place where I can be messy. This is a place where I don't have to be my best of all the don't have to be my best of all the don't have to be my best of all the places to be. This should be the safest places to be. This should be the safest places to be. This should be the safest for me. Now, if it's intentional, this for me. Now, if it's intentional, this for me. Now, if it's intentional, this person meant to trigger you, then what I person meant to trigger you, then what I person meant to trigger you, then what I like to do is ask the question, "Did you like to do is ask the question, "Did you like to do is ask the question, "Did you mean? Did you mean for that to upset me? mean? Did you mean for that to upset me? mean? Did you mean for that to upset me? Did you mean for that to hurt me?" You Did you mean for that to hurt me?" You Did you mean for that to hurt me?" You you find out real quick if they really you find out real quick if they really you find out real quick if they really did because sometimes people say things did because sometimes people say things did because sometimes people say things they they don't mean, not sometimes, they they don't mean, not sometimes, they they don't mean, not sometimes, they always do, you know? And if you they always do, you know? And if you they always do, you know? And if you find that you you can't even slow down find that you you can't even slow down find that you you can't even slow down enough to have the discussion of this is enough to have the discussion of this is enough to have the discussion of this is what hurt me, you know that this what hurt me, you know that this what hurt me, you know that this triggers me. I think there's also a triggers me. I think there's also a triggers me. I think there's also a difference of if they know that it does difference of if they know that it does difference of if they know that it does and they're using it as a weapon. Well, and they're using it as a weapon. Well, and they're using it as a weapon. Well, that breaches trust versus they didn't that breaches trust versus they didn't that breaches trust versus they didn't know it and now you need to explain why know it and now you need to explain why know it and now you need to explain why this this reminds you of that time when this this reminds you of that time when this this reminds you of that time when you were a kid that is setting you off you were a kid that is setting you off you were a kid that is setting you off and you're not really sure how to how to and you're not really sure how to how to and you're not really sure how to how to deal with it. So, when it comes to being deal with it. So, when it comes to being deal with it. So, when it comes to being triggered, you first have to slow triggered, you first have to slow triggered, you first have to slow everything down. Means I'm going to talk everything down. Means I'm going to talk everything down. Means I'm going to talk slower. I'm going to lower my volume slower. I'm going to lower my volume slower. I'm going to lower my volume rather than getting amped up. and I'm rather than getting amped up. and I'm rather than getting amped up. and I'm going to let them know that something going to let them know that something going to let them know that something else is coming up for me more than what else is coming up for me more than what else is coming up for me more than what you said. And if you're in a committed you said. And if you're in a committed you said. And if you're in a committed relationship that they want to relationship that they want to relationship that they want to understand you, that's a conversation understand you, that's a conversation understand you, that's a conversation you're going to have. you're going to have. you're going to have. >> And I think the natural reaction when >> And I think the natural reaction when >> And I think the natural reaction when someone says something that triggers us someone says something that triggers us someone says something that triggers us is either to say something that triggers is either to say something that triggers is either to say something that triggers them back. them back. them back. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Even if it was unconscious in the first >> Even if it was unconscious in the first >> Even if it was unconscious in the first place, or we kind of rush to defend place, or we kind of rush to defend place, or we kind of rush to defend ourselves, ourselves, ourselves, >> which seem like very natural human >> which seem like very natural human >> which seem like very natural human instincts. How do we build that instincts. How do we build that instincts. How do we build that slowness, that patience, that stillness slowness, that patience, that stillness slowness, that patience, that stillness that's required to actually create that's required to actually create that's required to actually create connection as opposed to do the human connection as opposed to do the human connection as opposed to do the human thing, which is defend ourselves and thing, which is defend ourselves and thing, which is defend ourselves and prove our worth and show we're right. prove our worth and show we're right. prove our worth and show we're right. How do how do we even get How do how do we even get How do how do we even get [clears throat] into that pocket? [clears throat] into that pocket? [clears throat] into that pocket? >> Your first word has to be your breath. >> Your first word has to be your breath. >> Your first word has to be your breath. In those moments, when somebody says In those moments, when somebody says In those moments, when somebody says something we don't like, we something we don't like, we something we don't like, we and we get up like that. We we suck it and we get up like that. We we suck it and we get up like that. We we suck it in, but we don't let it out. Instead, in, but we don't let it out. Instead, in, but we don't let it out. Instead, our our breath comes out when we're our our breath comes out when we're our our breath comes out when we're yelling. We're raising our voice. When yelling. We're raising our voice. When yelling. We're raising our voice. When when you start to yell and somebody when you start to yell and somebody when you start to yell and somebody says, "You're yelling." And you go, "I'm says, "You're yelling." And you go, "I'm says, "You're yelling." And you go, "I'm not yelling." Because you know deep down not yelling." Because you know deep down not yelling." Because you know deep down that's exactly what you're doing. If you that's exactly what you're doing. If you that's exactly what you're doing. If you find that you don't know how to slow it find that you don't know how to slow it find that you don't know how to slow it down, it's your breath. Your breath down, it's your breath. Your breath down, it's your breath. Your breath always comes first so that you can always comes first so that you can always comes first so that you can actually actually actually breathe. breathe. breathe. And there's a difference between if you And there's a difference between if you And there's a difference between if you say something that's hurtful and I say something that's hurtful and I say something that's hurtful and I immediately go me Okay, Jake. What about immediately go me Okay, Jake. What about immediately go me Okay, Jake. What about you? You You don't remember that time you? You You don't remember that time you? You You don't remember that time that you you really want to You're going that you you really want to You're going that you you really want to You're going to That's That's rich. That's funny. You to That's That's rich. That's funny. You to That's That's rich. That's funny. You You want to say this to me? And I start You want to say this to me? And I start You want to say this to me? And I start right out you versus if I give it five right out you versus if I give it five right out you versus if I give it five to 7 seconds of nothing. Meaning, I'm to 7 seconds of nothing. Meaning, I'm to 7 seconds of nothing. Meaning, I'm going to breathe and I'm just going to going to breathe and I'm just going to going to breathe and I'm just going to let your words fall to the ground. As if let your words fall to the ground. As if let your words fall to the ground. As if I go, "You sure you're good with that? I go, "You sure you're good with that? I go, "You sure you're good with that? That that what you said? Is that what That that what you said? Is that what That that what you said? Is that what you really want to say?" Because people you really want to say?" Because people you really want to say?" Because people don't like to hear their their words don't like to hear their their words don't like to hear their their words echo in that silence. I've seen it echo in that silence. I've seen it echo in that silence. I've seen it countless times where the person who countless times where the person who countless times where the person who said the hurtful thing and you know what said the hurtful thing and you know what said the hurtful thing and you know what I've been that person too where you say I've been that person too where you say I've been that person too where you say or they say I I shouldn't have said that or they say I I shouldn't have said that or they say I I shouldn't have said that before you had to say anything. What I before you had to say anything. What I before you had to say anything. What I what I meant to say was or or that that what I meant to say was or or that that what I meant to say was or or that that was too far. was too far. was too far. That's allowing That's allowing That's allowing you to look more controlled and more you to look more controlled and more you to look more controlled and more confident in that conversation. And all confident in that conversation. And all confident in that conversation. And all of a sudden when it's like this instead of a sudden when it's like this instead of a sudden when it's like this instead of it slowly begins like this just by of it slowly begins like this just by of it slowly begins like this just by the silence of understanding the silence of understanding the silence of understanding hearing their words echo back withdraws hearing their words echo back withdraws hearing their words echo back withdraws that that sting. It never stings as bad. that that sting. It never stings as bad. that that sting. It never stings as bad. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> It takes discipline. It takes real >> It takes discipline. It takes real >> It takes discipline. It takes real discipline. When I hear people take a discipline. When I hear people take a discipline. When I hear people take a breath before they respond, breath before they respond, breath before they respond, I know what's about to come out is I know what's about to come out is I know what's about to come out is has a much more heavy has a much more heavy has a much more heavy >> footing to it. If you were to just ask >> footing to it. If you were to just ask >> footing to it. If you were to just ask me, you know, how was your day or how me, you know, how was your day or how me, you know, how was your day or how are you doing? I'm like, good. I'm good. are you doing? I'm like, good. I'm good. are you doing? I'm like, good. I'm good. I'm great. Everything's good. And I have I'm great. Everything's good. And I have I'm great. Everything's good. And I have that quick response. And if you instead that quick response. And if you instead that quick response. And if you instead were to ask me, how's your day? And I were to ask me, how's your day? And I were to ask me, how's your day? And I went, I'm good. Yeah, I'm good. Now, what's I'm good. Yeah, I'm good. Now, what's the difference? Same thing. I just I use the difference? Same thing. I just I use the difference? Same thing. I just I use my breath. I slowed it down. my breath. I slowed it down. my breath. I slowed it down. >> I calm my nervous system. And as a >> I calm my nervous system. And as a >> I calm my nervous system. And as a secondary benefit, I also calm down secondary benefit, I also calm down secondary benefit, I also calm down yours. yours. yours. >> Yeah. And so most of the time when you >> Yeah. And so most of the time when you >> Yeah. And so most of the time when you feel that rise coming, you have to slow feel that rise coming, you have to slow feel that rise coming, you have to slow down the conversation. So the the to me down the conversation. So the the to me down the conversation. So the the to me the hotter the fire burns, the more you the hotter the fire burns, the more you the hotter the fire burns, the more you have to to spread out the coals because have to to spread out the coals because have to to spread out the coals because it's it's it's >> slowing it down. Even asking, can we can >> slowing it down. Even asking, can we can >> slowing it down. Even asking, can we can we slow this down for a second? Can I we slow this down for a second? Can I we slow this down for a second? Can I take a a moment just to I I'm I'm here take a a moment just to I I'm I'm here take a a moment just to I I'm I'm here with you. I just need a second to to with you. I just need a second to to with you. I just need a second to to think what follows after is never how it think what follows after is never how it think what follows after is never how it sounded before. If your partner's giving sounded before. If your partner's giving sounded before. If your partner's giving you the silent treatment, how do you you the silent treatment, how do you you the silent treatment, how do you engage? engage? engage? >> Depends if the silent treatment is there >> Depends if the silent treatment is there >> Depends if the silent treatment is there for a reason. for a reason. for a reason. >> Some people you you kind of have to do >> Some people you you kind of have to do >> Some people you you kind of have to do the the gray rock on that they're you the the gray rock on that they're you the the gray rock on that they're you can't be you can't reason with them. So, can't be you can't reason with them. So, can't be you can't reason with them. So, I'm not saying that silent treatment is I'm not saying that silent treatment is I'm not saying that silent treatment is is not there for a good reason is not there for a good reason is not there for a good reason sometimes, but let's say it's there to sometimes, but let's say it's there to sometimes, but let's say it's there to hurt you. You people who will use hurt you. You people who will use hurt you. You people who will use silence as a punishment. they they're silence as a punishment. they they're silence as a punishment. they they're upset you did something and they just upset you did something and they just upset you did something and they just go, "Okay, I'm just not going to talk to go, "Okay, I'm just not going to talk to go, "Okay, I'm just not going to talk to you anymore." That to me is the number you anymore." That to me is the number you anymore." That to me is the number one sign of low emotional intelligence one sign of low emotional intelligence one sign of low emotional intelligence is if you can't even have the ability to is if you can't even have the ability to is if you can't even have the ability to say, say, say, "I need to take a break for a second "I need to take a break for a second "I need to take a break for a second because that really upset me. because that really upset me. because that really upset me. I'll text you this afternoon. I'll text I'll text you this afternoon. I'll text I'll text you this afternoon. I'll text you tomorrow. I'll call you tomorrow you tomorrow. I'll call you tomorrow you tomorrow. I'll call you tomorrow versus just ghosting just because what versus just ghosting just because what versus just ghosting just because what it does is it puts the other person in it does is it puts the other person in it does is it puts the other person in position of trying to beg, trying to position of trying to beg, trying to position of trying to beg, trying to plead and then what happens to that plead and then what happens to that plead and then what happens to that other person? They desperately want you other person? They desperately want you other person? They desperately want you to communicate. So what do they do? Most to communicate. So what do they do? Most to communicate. So what do they do? Most of the time they say something super of the time they say something super of the time they say something super flagrant, like a bad foul. They they say flagrant, like a bad foul. They they say flagrant, like a bad foul. They they say something that is really harsh just in something that is really harsh just in something that is really harsh just in hopes that you come back in. That that's hopes that you come back in. That that's hopes that you come back in. That that's it. They just want that text back. Okay, it. They just want that text back. Okay, it. They just want that text back. Okay, he's still there. He still reads my he's still there. He still reads my he's still there. He still reads my text. He's still whatever it is. And so text. He's still whatever it is. And so text. He's still whatever it is. And so if you really are somebody who's you're if you really are somebody who's you're if you really are somebody who's you're trying to get through the silent trying to get through the silent trying to get through the silent treatment, respond to, "I see that treatment, respond to, "I see that treatment, respond to, "I see that you're giving me the silent treatment. I you're giving me the silent treatment. I you're giving me the silent treatment. I see that you've gone quiet on me. I'm see that you've gone quiet on me. I'm see that you've gone quiet on me. I'm going to give you space. I'm ready to going to give you space. I'm ready to going to give you space. I'm ready to have the conversation when you are." have the conversation when you are." have the conversation when you are." Now, there's a difference of somebody Now, there's a difference of somebody Now, there's a difference of somebody taking an hour to get back with you. taking an hour to get back with you. taking an hour to get back with you. Taken 5 days to get back with you. Well, Taken 5 days to get back with you. Well, Taken 5 days to get back with you. Well, that's something different. That's that's something different. That's that's something different. That's that's somebody who has chosen not to be that's somebody who has chosen not to be that's somebody who has chosen not to be connected. Because if I really want a connected. Because if I really want a connected. Because if I really want a conversation with you, a real conversation with you, a real conversation with you, a real relationship with you, I'm not going to relationship with you, I'm not going to relationship with you, I'm not going to put you in the position of begging. put you in the position of begging. put you in the position of begging. >> That's such a great note that if someone >> That's such a great note that if someone >> That's such a great note that if someone wants to be in a relationship with you, wants to be in a relationship with you, wants to be in a relationship with you, they'll never put you in a position of they'll never put you in a position of they'll never put you in a position of begging. begging. begging. >> Never. They'll always stay interested, >> Never. They'll always stay interested, >> Never. They'll always stay interested, you know, it's it's like we've for you know, it's it's like we've for you know, it's it's like we've for people who are married, let's say, or in people who are married, let's say, or in people who are married, let's say, or in a a big relationship, it starts with me a a big relationship, it starts with me a a big relationship, it starts with me being very interested in you. I'm going being very interested in you. I'm going being very interested in you. I'm going to want to know your favorite color. I'm to want to know your favorite color. I'm to want to know your favorite color. I'm going to want to know what you like to going to want to know what you like to going to want to know what you like to eat, what you like to wear. I want to eat, what you like to wear. I want to eat, what you like to wear. I want to know about your your family. I want to know about your your family. I want to know about your your family. I want to know all these things about you. I'm so know all these things about you. I'm so know all these things about you. I'm so interested. Why? Cuz I want to interested. Why? Cuz I want to interested. Why? Cuz I want to understand you. And then we get happy understand you. And then we get happy understand you. And then we get happy and then we just it becomes a measure of and then we just it becomes a measure of and then we just it becomes a measure of how good can I feel with you and the how good can I feel with you and the how good can I feel with you and the good and then you get married good and then you get married good and then you get married [clears throat] [clears throat] [clears throat] and it's better. It's for better or and it's better. It's for better or and it's better. It's for better or worse, right? And then you just realize worse, right? And then you just realize worse, right? And then you just realize I don't really like this worse part. I I I don't really like this worse part. I I I don't really like this worse part. I I really just like the better part. And really just like the better part. And really just like the better part. And all of a sudden you realize that things all of a sudden you realize that things all of a sudden you realize that things get hard and you're in year seven of get hard and you're in year seven of get hard and you're in year seven of your marriage and year 14 of your your marriage and year 14 of your your marriage and year 14 of your marriage and you feel further drifted marriage and you feel further drifted marriage and you feel further drifted apart cuz really you became less apart cuz really you became less apart cuz really you became less interested interested interested >> in them. You didn't get interested in >> in them. You didn't get interested in >> in them. You didn't get interested in the hard. You were just interested in the hard. You were just interested in the hard. You were just interested in what was the basics. You were good with what was the basics. You were good with what was the basics. You were good with the basic facts. You weren't good for the basic facts. You weren't good for the basic facts. You weren't good for the the deep stuff. you were. It gets to the the deep stuff. you were. It gets to the the deep stuff. you were. It gets to be where if you really want to know and be where if you really want to know and be where if you really want to know and test the strength of a relationship, test the strength of a relationship, test the strength of a relationship, it's not the measure of how good do I it's not the measure of how good do I it's not the measure of how good do I feel in the good times. It's how long feel in the good times. It's how long feel in the good times. It's how long can I sit with them in the hard times. M can I sit with them in the hard times. M can I sit with them in the hard times. M >> and when I can sit with you in what is >> and when I can sit with you in what is >> and when I can sit with you in what is the deep struggle when we're both crying the deep struggle when we're both crying the deep struggle when we're both crying when we're both 3 hours into the when we're both 3 hours into the when we're both 3 hours into the argument and going I don't understand argument and going I don't understand argument and going I don't understand why I can't communicate with you. I I why I can't communicate with you. I I why I can't communicate with you. I I don't how did I ever like you in the don't how did I ever like you in the don't how did I ever like you in the first place that's real that's raw. And first place that's real that's raw. And first place that's real that's raw. And if I can still sit with you in it that if I can still sit with you in it that if I can still sit with you in it that that's a type of connection that that that's a type of connection that that that's a type of connection that that will last forever. It's, you know, I I will last forever. It's, you know, I I will last forever. It's, you know, I I talk to so many couples and even older talk to so many couples and even older talk to so many couples and even older couples of, you know, how do you how do couples of, you know, how do you how do couples of, you know, how do you how do you do it with communicating? How do you you do it with communicating? How do you you do it with communicating? How do you how do you do communication? So, well, how do you do communication? So, well, how do you do communication? So, well, it's never it's never it's never we have really big conversations, we have really big conversations, we have really big conversations, [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] you know, it's never that it's we know you know, it's never that it's we know you know, it's never that it's we know that things are going to be hard and we that things are going to be hard and we that things are going to be hard and we choose to stick through the hard. People choose to stick through the hard. People choose to stick through the hard. People give up too easily. I mean, you you're give up too easily. I mean, you you're give up too easily. I mean, you you're married. I'm married. It's they're a married. I'm married. It's they're a married. I'm married. It's they're a fight. They they are an absolute fight fight. They they are an absolute fight fight. They they are an absolute fight not between each other but for the not between each other but for the not between each other but for the relationship. It's the relationship relationship. It's the relationship relationship. It's the relationship versus everything else. Attention, time, versus everything else. Attention, time, versus everything else. Attention, time, obligations, finances, kids. It's the obligations, finances, kids. It's the obligations, finances, kids. It's the relationship versus everybody else. relationship versus everybody else. relationship versus everybody else. >> Is there anything someone can ever say >> Is there anything someone can ever say >> Is there anything someone can ever say that shows you they're not your person? >> I don't care >> I don't care about you. if they really don't have an about you. if they really don't have an about you. if they really don't have an interest in caring about you. If if you interest in caring about you. If if you interest in caring about you. If if you hear that I'm upset or you hear that hear that I'm upset or you hear that hear that I'm upset or you hear that your wife's upset, you should care. I'm your wife's upset, you should care. I'm your wife's upset, you should care. I'm not talking about the surface level not talking about the surface level not talking about the surface level like, okay, I don't care about that like, okay, I don't care about that like, okay, I don't care about that right now. I'm talking about the deep, right now. I'm talking about the deep, right now. I'm talking about the deep, it does not affect me. When you're on it does not affect me. When you're on it does not affect me. When you're on the ground and upset and face on the the ground and upset and face on the the ground and upset and face on the floor and you're crying and it doesn't floor and you're crying and it doesn't floor and you're crying and it doesn't affect you because you don't care, that affect you because you don't care, that affect you because you don't care, that to me is they're not your to me is they're not your to me is they're not your person. person. person. If you want to know if somebody is your If you want to know if somebody is your If you want to know if somebody is your person, have they asked how you're person, have they asked how you're person, have they asked how you're doing? I've seen so many people go on doing? I've seen so many people go on doing? I've seen so many people go on dates or have relationships and they dates or have relationships and they dates or have relationships and they say, "Yeah, they they were nice, but I say, "Yeah, they they were nice, but I say, "Yeah, they they were nice, but I don't think they ever really asked about don't think they ever really asked about don't think they ever really asked about me. They just talked about themselves." me. They just talked about themselves." me. They just talked about themselves." Is they just needed to, you know, rent Is they just needed to, you know, rent Is they just needed to, you know, rent an ear for a little bit because they an ear for a little bit because they an ear for a little bit because they just made it all about themselves. Those just made it all about themselves. Those just made it all about themselves. Those are people that, you know, are not going are people that, you know, are not going are people that, you know, are not going to be your people. If you want to know to be your people. If you want to know to be your people. If you want to know if they are your person, you don't have if they are your person, you don't have if they are your person, you don't have to ask them, why don't you ask about me? to ask them, why don't you ask about me? to ask them, why don't you ask about me? They will naturally want to know more They will naturally want to know more They will naturally want to know more about you. You don't have to ask. At about you. You don't have to ask. At about you. You don't have to ask. At this one time where she a woman asked this one time where she a woman asked this one time where she a woman asked me, you know, I went on a date and he me, you know, I went on a date and he me, you know, I went on a date and he really didn't ask about me, you know, really didn't ask about me, you know, really didn't ask about me, you know, that much. I'm not really sure what to that much. I'm not really sure what to that much. I'm not really sure what to do. I said, don't go on another date. do. I said, don't go on another date. do. I said, don't go on another date. [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] Like if if they're not going to just ask Like if if they're not going to just ask Like if if they're not going to just ask about you and the basics, about you and the basics, about you and the basics, >> how could they ever want to know about >> how could they ever want to know about >> how could they ever want to know about you when things are hard when they will you when things are hard when they will you when things are hard when they will be hard? There's no getting a getting be hard? There's no getting a getting be hard? There's no getting a getting around it. It they will be hard. That's around it. It they will be hard. That's around it. It they will be hard. That's that's how you know if they they are that's how you know if they they are that's how you know if they they are your person. They're willing to have the your person. They're willing to have the your person. They're willing to have the deep hard conversation. deep hard conversation. deep hard conversation. >> How do you know if your relationship >> How do you know if your relationship >> How do you know if your relationship just has so many arguments that it's just has so many arguments that it's just has so many arguments that it's beyond saving? How do you know that it's beyond saving? How do you know that it's beyond saving? How do you know that it's gone too far? gone too far? gone too far? >> When you look back and the other person >> When you look back and the other person >> When you look back and the other person is 10 miles behind you. is 10 miles behind you. is 10 miles behind you. >> Explain that. >> Explain that. >> Explain that. >> When you're doing it alone, that you've >> When you're doing it alone, that you've >> When you're doing it alone, that you've read all the books, you've read all the read all the books, you've read all the read all the books, you've read all the materials, you're listening to all the materials, you're listening to all the materials, you're listening to all the podcasts, you might be listening to this podcasts, you might be listening to this podcasts, you might be listening to this episode and going, "I desperately want episode and going, "I desperately want episode and going, "I desperately want to heal my marriage, my relationship. I to heal my marriage, my relationship. I to heal my marriage, my relationship. I don't know what to do." Because most don't know what to do." Because most don't know what to do." Because most likely they're the only ones with an ore likely they're the only ones with an ore likely they're the only ones with an ore in their hand trying to paddle. and the in their hand trying to paddle. and the in their hand trying to paddle. and the other person is just in the back with other person is just in the back with other person is just in the back with their arms folded. I don't really I their arms folded. I don't really I their arms folded. I don't really I don't want to be here. Does it not don't want to be here. Does it not don't want to be here. Does it not bother you that we are in conflict right bother you that we are in conflict right bother you that we are in conflict right now? I I mean I I don't really care. now? I I mean I I don't really care. now? I I mean I I don't really care. It's really your fault. And they feel It's really your fault. And they feel It's really your fault. And they feel like they're the only ones that are like they're the only ones that are like they're the only ones that are there. These people that it doesn't there. These people that it doesn't there. These people that it doesn't matter what technique you do. It doesn't matter what technique you do. It doesn't matter what technique you do. It doesn't matter how much you push. They are matter how much you push. They are matter how much you push. They are someone that will never try and reach someone that will never try and reach someone that will never try and reach for you. M. for you. M. for you. M. >> So, how do you know when it's enough >> So, how do you know when it's enough >> So, how do you know when it's enough that you've put out your hand and that you've put out your hand and that you've put out your hand and they're unwilling to take it? they're unwilling to take it? they're unwilling to take it? >> And you just look back in the rearview >> And you just look back in the rearview >> And you just look back in the rearview mirror and they're okay with leaving it. mirror and they're okay with leaving it. mirror and they're okay with leaving it. >> Yeah. And I think the hard part is >> Yeah. And I think the hard part is >> Yeah. And I think the hard part is sometimes people show these glimpses of sometimes people show these glimpses of sometimes people show these glimpses of or rays of hope and then you believe or rays of hope and then you believe or rays of hope and then you believe that and then they go back to being the that and then they go back to being the that and then they go back to being the way they were. way they were. way they were. >> Yeah. and they kind of oscillate between >> Yeah. and they kind of oscillate between >> Yeah. and they kind of oscillate between showing you they care momentarily but showing you they care momentarily but showing you they care momentarily but then going back to not caring and it's then going back to not caring and it's then going back to not caring and it's so hard to know which one to invest in so hard to know which one to invest in so hard to know which one to invest in and which one to believe. and which one to believe. and which one to believe. >> Mhm. I think that the more honest of a >> Mhm. I think that the more honest of a >> Mhm. I think that the more honest of a conversation you can have with that conversation you can have with that conversation you can have with that person. person. person. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> The more honest reflection of what kind >> The more honest reflection of what kind >> The more honest reflection of what kind of relationship you have, like we talked of relationship you have, like we talked of relationship you have, like we talked about at the beginning, Jay, if if I about at the beginning, Jay, if if I about at the beginning, Jay, if if I can't have the hard conversation with can't have the hard conversation with can't have the hard conversation with you, then how deep is our relationship? you, then how deep is our relationship? you, then how deep is our relationship? Now if look look at the relationship Now if look look at the relationship Now if look look at the relationship itself is it's if it's only surface itself is it's if it's only surface itself is it's if it's only surface level conversations I'll show you a level conversations I'll show you a level conversations I'll show you a surface level relationship but if you're surface level relationship but if you're surface level relationship but if you're willing to have the hard talks no I can willing to have the hard talks no I can willing to have the hard talks no I can show you much deeper relationship what's show you much deeper relationship what's show you much deeper relationship what's your capacity for the difficult and yeah your capacity for the difficult and yeah your capacity for the difficult and yeah people will show you the glimpses in people will show you the glimpses in people will show you the glimpses in conversation of oh there's that person conversation of oh there's that person conversation of oh there's that person there's that person that I I like and there's that person that I I like and there's that person that I I like and then it's gone well that's because it's then it's gone well that's because it's then it's gone well that's because it's it's only a side effect it's it's not it's only a side effect it's it's not it's only a side effect it's it's not the main symptom the main symptom the main symptom >> they are they're only putting on the >> they are they're only putting on the >> they are they're only putting on the show to keep you entertained. They are show to keep you entertained. They are show to keep you entertained. They are it's like a slot machine, you know? They it's like a slot machine, you know? They it's like a slot machine, you know? They just want to keep you addicted just for just want to keep you addicted just for just want to keep you addicted just for a little bit longer. And you have to a little bit longer. And you have to a little bit longer. And you have to look back and go, what am I what am I look back and go, what am I what am I look back and go, what am I what am I getting from this in real time? What am getting from this in real time? What am getting from this in real time? What am I truly getting from this? Am I am I I truly getting from this? Am I am I I truly getting from this? Am I am I enough just by myself? enough just by myself? enough just by myself? >> I think that's the deeper issue of >> I think that's the deeper issue of >> I think that's the deeper issue of feeling if I don't have this person, who feeling if I don't have this person, who feeling if I don't have this person, who am I? am I? am I? >> Yeah. And that's why we don't say how we >> Yeah. And that's why we don't say how we >> Yeah. And that's why we don't say how we feel. It's why we mold who we are. It's feel. It's why we mold who we are. It's feel. It's why we mold who we are. It's why we tolerate bad behavior and bad why we tolerate bad behavior and bad why we tolerate bad behavior and bad words and bad communication because we words and bad communication because we words and bad communication because we don't feel like we're fulfilled without don't feel like we're fulfilled without don't feel like we're fulfilled without them. them. them. >> So, we'd rather have a painful existence >> So, we'd rather have a painful existence >> So, we'd rather have a painful existence with them than a potentially painful or with them than a potentially painful or with them than a potentially painful or long-term non-p painful existence long-term non-p painful existence long-term non-p painful existence without them. without them. without them. >> And I appreciate what you're saying >> And I appreciate what you're saying >> And I appreciate what you're saying because it shows that there are real because it shows that there are real because it shows that there are real ramifications and consequences to poor ramifications and consequences to poor ramifications and consequences to poor communication. communication. communication. >> Yeah. Because I think a lot of us will >> Yeah. Because I think a lot of us will >> Yeah. Because I think a lot of us will just tolerate and elongate just tolerate and elongate just tolerate and elongate those periods hoping things will just those periods hoping things will just those periods hoping things will just get better or go away. But the reality get better or go away. But the reality get better or go away. But the reality is that people don't change their is that people don't change their is that people don't change their communication patterns that quickly. communication patterns that quickly. communication patterns that quickly. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And that's a harsh reality. It's a harsh >> And that's a harsh reality. It's a harsh >> And that's a harsh reality. It's a harsh truth. truth. truth. >> Things don't change if things don't >> Things don't change if things don't >> Things don't change if things don't change. I I know that when you have change. I I know that when you have change. I I know that when you have those moments where you go, I I wish those moments where you go, I I wish those moments where you go, I I wish things were were different in our things were were different in our things were were different in our communication. Yeah. It takes that takes communication. Yeah. It takes that takes communication. Yeah. It takes that takes time. That takes real raw vulnerability. time. That takes real raw vulnerability. time. That takes real raw vulnerability. It is my belief that that love is It is my belief that that love is It is my belief that that love is self-disclosure. self-disclosure. self-disclosure. If I really want you to know me, I'm If I really want you to know me, I'm If I really want you to know me, I'm going to disclose everything. And if I going to disclose everything. And if I going to disclose everything. And if I want to know you, I need you to disclose want to know you, I need you to disclose want to know you, I need you to disclose everything. I need radical honesty in everything. I need radical honesty in everything. I need radical honesty in this relationship to know that I'm never this relationship to know that I'm never this relationship to know that I'm never going to be too much. They need to know. going to be too much. They need to know. going to be too much. They need to know. My wife needs to know. She's never going My wife needs to know. She's never going My wife needs to know. She's never going to be too much. And when you can create to be too much. And when you can create to be too much. And when you can create the element of safety in conversation, the element of safety in conversation, the element of safety in conversation, you you create a relationship that can you you create a relationship that can you you create a relationship that can be impenetrable be impenetrable be impenetrable >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> to anything from the outside. When >> to anything from the outside. When >> to anything from the outside. When things get stressful and stuff and that things get stressful and stuff and that things get stressful and stuff and that tension, you you kind of bond together, tension, you you kind of bond together, tension, you you kind of bond together, right? But if there's a source in right? But if there's a source in right? But if there's a source in between you and you can't address it, if between you and you can't address it, if between you and you can't address it, if you can't take care of that, it's it's you can't take care of that, it's it's you can't take care of that, it's it's never the outside in. It's always the never the outside in. It's always the never the outside in. It's always the inside out that that ruins you. inside out that that ruins you. inside out that that ruins you. >> That's how you know that they're your >> That's how you know that they're your >> That's how you know that they're your person. person. person. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> When they're not too much. >> When they're not too much. >> When they're not too much. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> For you. >> For you. >> For you. >> You know, you have capacity for all the >> You know, you have capacity for all the >> You know, you have capacity for all the range of everything that they are will range of everything that they are will range of everything that they are will be and what they have to offer. you be and what they have to offer. you be and what they have to offer. you know, their strengths as well as their know, their strengths as well as their know, their strengths as well as their weaknesses, especially the weaknesses weaknesses, especially the weaknesses weaknesses, especially the weaknesses because you and I, we have many. because you and I, we have many. because you and I, we have many. >> Yeah, of course. >> Yeah, of course. >> Yeah, of course. >> Yeah. So, so you're saying that if if >> Yeah. So, so you're saying that if if >> Yeah. So, so you're saying that if if you don't have the capacity to handle you don't have the capacity to handle you don't have the capacity to handle all of someone, then they may not be all of someone, then they may not be all of someone, then they may not be right for you and you may not be right right for you and you may not be right right for you and you may not be right for them. for them. for them. >> That's exactly right. >> That's exactly right. >> That's exactly right. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> If there is a mismatch in capacity to >> If there is a mismatch in capacity to >> If there is a mismatch in capacity to deal with the messy, right? that they deal with the messy, right? that they deal with the messy, right? that they say you can't if you can't be with me in say you can't if you can't be with me in say you can't if you can't be with me in my hard times then you don't deserve me my hard times then you don't deserve me my hard times then you don't deserve me at the at the at the >> the best right that's absolutely true >> the best right that's absolutely true >> the best right that's absolutely true especially in conversations if I can't especially in conversations if I can't especially in conversations if I can't have the the grace the capacity by you have the the grace the capacity by you have the the grace the capacity by you for me to say the wrong thing and you for me to say the wrong thing and you for me to say the wrong thing and you realize that I did say the wrong thing realize that I did say the wrong thing realize that I did say the wrong thing and there's a place for me to apologize and there's a place for me to apologize and there's a place for me to apologize I mean repair has to happen I mean repair has to happen I mean repair has to happen >> repair has to happen so that's it's on >> repair has to happen so that's it's on >> repair has to happen so that's it's on me to do that now if I know that I don't me to do that now if I know that I don't me to do that now if I know that I don't have the capacity in that moment to have the capacity in that moment to have the capacity in that moment to absorb everything that is happening. absorb everything that is happening. absorb everything that is happening. That's that's not going to to work. It's That's that's not going to to work. It's That's that's not going to to work. It's not it's not for lack of love. not it's not for lack of love. not it's not for lack of love. >> It's a lack of capacity. >> It's a lack of capacity. >> It's a lack of capacity. >> What should a healthy repair >> What should a healthy repair >> What should a healthy repair conversation look like? So, if you're conversation look like? So, if you're conversation look like? So, if you're going to repair with someone cuz you going to repair with someone cuz you going to repair with someone cuz you said something you don't mean or said something you don't mean or said something you don't mean or someone's going to repair with you someone's going to repair with you someone's going to repair with you saying something because they said saying something because they said saying something because they said something they don't mean, something they don't mean, something they don't mean, >> what should that conversation sound like >> what should that conversation sound like >> what should that conversation sound like from their end or yours based on who did from their end or yours based on who did from their end or yours based on who did the mistake? 99% of the time our the mistake? 99% of the time our the mistake? 99% of the time our arguments are not what we're arguing arguments are not what we're arguing arguments are not what we're arguing about. They are about the hidden need. about. They are about the hidden need. about. They are about the hidden need. The need to feel understood, the need to The need to feel understood, the need to The need to feel understood, the need to feel heard, the need to feel safe by feel heard, the need to feel safe by feel heard, the need to feel safe by that other person. And things go so that other person. And things go so that other person. And things go so south when I pick up the frustration or south when I pick up the frustration or south when I pick up the frustration or I pick up the reaction and not listening I pick up the reaction and not listening I pick up the reaction and not listening to the need. Every one of us, ourselves to the need. Every one of us, ourselves to the need. Every one of us, ourselves included, we go into conversations with included, we go into conversations with included, we go into conversations with these hidden fears of am I enough? these hidden fears of am I enough? these hidden fears of am I enough? >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Am I enough if I get it wrong? Am I >> Am I enough if I get it wrong? Am I >> Am I enough if I get it wrong? Am I enough if I look scared or I don't know enough if I look scared or I don't know enough if I look scared or I don't know what to do or I don't know what to say what to do or I don't know what to say what to do or I don't know what to say or will I be abandoned? Are they not or will I be abandoned? Are they not or will I be abandoned? Are they not going to want me or do they not really going to want me or do they not really going to want me or do they not really care? We we come in every single time to care? We we come in every single time to care? We we come in every single time to one of these conversations and if I'm one of these conversations and if I'm one of these conversations and if I'm just responding to the reaction rather just responding to the reaction rather just responding to the reaction rather than addressing the need, there's always than addressing the need, there's always than addressing the need, there's always going to be a mismatch. There's always going to be a mismatch. There's always going to be a mismatch. There's always going to be conflict that is now going to be conflict that is now going to be conflict that is now corrosive to the very fabric of the corrosive to the very fabric of the corrosive to the very fabric of the conversation. Like say for example in in conversation. Like say for example in in conversation. Like say for example in in a relationship somebody goes do you even a relationship somebody goes do you even a relationship somebody goes do you even do you even care? Like I don't even do you even care? Like I don't even do you even care? Like I don't even know. Do you even care? And what is the know. Do you even care? And what is the know. Do you even care? And what is the guy they go? Oh this again really do I guy they go? Oh this again really do I guy they go? Oh this again really do I care? Like okay this. Okay this is so care? Like okay this. Okay this is so care? Like okay this. Okay this is so stupid. And what you're doing you're stupid. And what you're doing you're stupid. And what you're doing you're you're tearing the very fabric of the you're tearing the very fabric of the you're tearing the very fabric of the relationship when you are dismissive relationship when you are dismissive relationship when you are dismissive over how there's a real feeling. So when over how there's a real feeling. So when over how there's a real feeling. So when somebody is sharing that kind of somebody is sharing that kind of somebody is sharing that kind of question with you and you treat them as question with you and you treat them as question with you and you treat them as if that question is real because it is, if that question is real because it is, if that question is real because it is, you change everything, how do you model you change everything, how do you model you change everything, how do you model repair that you model it by saying, I repair that you model it by saying, I repair that you model it by saying, I can totally see how you'd think that. I can totally see how you'd think that. I can totally see how you'd think that. I can see how you'd be frustrated. You can see how you'd be frustrated. You can see how you'd be frustrated. You know, if if that's the way you heard it, know, if if that's the way you heard it, know, if if that's the way you heard it, I I don't blame you for being upset I I don't blame you for being upset I I don't blame you for being upset about it. Of course you'd be upset about about it. Of course you'd be upset about about it. Of course you'd be upset about that. It sounds like that sounds really that. It sounds like that sounds really that. It sounds like that sounds really frustrating. frustrating. frustrating. >> That sounds scary. I get the feeling you >> That sounds scary. I get the feeling you >> That sounds scary. I get the feeling you you feel really hopeless right now. And you feel really hopeless right now. And you feel really hopeless right now. And it's like, yes, that is exactly how I'm it's like, yes, that is exactly how I'm it's like, yes, that is exactly how I'm feeling. You just you you want somebody feeling. You just you you want somebody feeling. You just you you want somebody to understand how you're doing. I don't to understand how you're doing. I don't to understand how you're doing. I don't need to agree with you to understand need to agree with you to understand need to agree with you to understand you. I don't need to fix the problem to you. I don't need to fix the problem to you. I don't need to fix the problem to meet the need. I just need to slow down meet the need. I just need to slow down meet the need. I just need to slow down long enough to put aside the frustration long enough to put aside the frustration long enough to put aside the frustration and the reaction and see the wound. It's and the reaction and see the wound. It's and the reaction and see the wound. It's so clear that if we simply went into so clear that if we simply went into so clear that if we simply went into every conversation or the next every conversation or the next every conversation or the next conversation conversation conversation just trying to understand how much would just trying to understand how much would just trying to understand how much would be solved. be solved. be solved. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Because like you said, everyone's just >> Because like you said, everyone's just >> Because like you said, everyone's just trying to get you to understand and trying to get you to understand and trying to get you to understand and whether they're shouting. There's that whether they're shouting. There's that whether they're shouting. There's that beautiful statement that I love from beautiful statement that I love from beautiful statement that I love from Russell Barkley where he said that the Russell Barkley where he said that the Russell Barkley where he said that the people that need the most love will ask people that need the most love will ask people that need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways. for it in the most unloving ways. for it in the most unloving ways. >> That's right. It's it's slowing down the >> That's right. It's it's slowing down the >> That's right. It's it's slowing down the moment to say what do they need right moment to say what do they need right moment to say what do they need right now that they don't have the words to now that they don't have the words to now that they don't have the words to ask for? What are they asking for that ask for? What are they asking for that ask for? What are they asking for that they don't have the words to say? they don't have the words to say? they don't have the words to say? >> And when I can stop and say what is >> And when I can stop and say what is >> And when I can stop and say what is happening here like you think like I happening here like you think like I happening here like you think like I have we have two kids all right seven have we have two kids all right seven have we have two kids all right seven and five. And when my son who's seven and five. And when my son who's seven and five. And when my son who's seven was let's say three, right? And and if was let's say three, right? And and if was let's say three, right? And and if he was crying, yelling, throwing he was crying, yelling, throwing he was crying, yelling, throwing something, yelling no, uh throwing a something, yelling no, uh throwing a something, yelling no, uh throwing a fit. You think I was going, I cannot fit. You think I was going, I cannot fit. You think I was going, I cannot believe that you're raising your voice believe that you're raising your voice believe that you're raising your voice right now. I are you kidding? You're right now. I are you kidding? You're right now. I are you kidding? You're crying at me. Can you like you do you crying at me. Can you like you do you crying at me. Can you like you do you not see all the things I'm doing? No. I not see all the things I'm doing? No. I not see all the things I'm doing? No. I I go, "Oh, he's hungry. He's upset. He's I go, "Oh, he's hungry. He's upset. He's I go, "Oh, he's hungry. He's upset. He's scared. You know, he's he's sleepy. It's scared. You know, he's he's sleepy. It's scared. You know, he's he's sleepy. It's it's his bedtime." It's the same thing. it's his bedtime." It's the same thing. it's his bedtime." It's the same thing. It's the same basic human needs in every It's the same basic human needs in every It's the same basic human needs in every single one of us. It is. I will shout it single one of us. It is. I will shout it single one of us. It is. I will shout it to the rooftop. They are not fighting to the rooftop. They are not fighting to the rooftop. They are not fighting you. They are fighting to feel you. They are fighting to feel you. They are fighting to feel understood by you. And when you can understood by you. And when you can understood by you. And when you can address that understanding by using address that understanding by using address that understanding by using words of repair, everything changes. words of repair, everything changes. words of repair, everything changes. Repair. Repair. Repair. Validation. Validation is not weakness. Validation. Validation is not weakness. Validation. Validation is not weakness. It is repair. And that that's the It is repair. And that that's the It is repair. And that that's the measure of a true relationship. How measure of a true relationship. How measure of a true relationship. How quick can I get to repair? Relationships quick can I get to repair? Relationships quick can I get to repair? Relationships don't fall apart because of one big don't fall apart because of one big don't fall apart because of one big failure. They fall apart because of the failure. They fall apart because of the failure. They fall apart because of the hundred micro moments where repair could hundred micro moments where repair could hundred micro moments where repair could have happened but it didn't. [snorts] have happened but it didn't. [snorts] have happened but it didn't. [snorts] >> Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. These >> Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. These >> Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. These little cracks. little cracks. little cracks. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Fissures. It's the paper cuts that you >> Fissures. It's the paper cuts that you >> Fissures. It's the paper cuts that you go 5 years, 10 years, 30 years, and you go 5 years, 10 years, 30 years, and you go 5 years, 10 years, 30 years, and you look back and go, look back and go, look back and go, >> but there's just been so much. How can I >> but there's just been so much. How can I >> but there's just been so much. How can I possibly address it? There wasn't some possibly address it? There wasn't some possibly address it? There wasn't some big moment. It's all these little big moment. It's all these little big moment. It's all these little moments for repair that you just chose moments for repair that you just chose moments for repair that you just chose to to go by. That's why every single one to to go by. That's why every single one to to go by. That's why every single one is is truly important. So when you get is is truly important. So when you get is is truly important. So when you get dismissive and go, really this Oh, here dismissive and go, really this Oh, here dismissive and go, really this Oh, here we go again. Here she goes. You're just we go again. Here she goes. You're just we go again. Here she goes. You're just you're choosing to not repair. And if you're choosing to not repair. And if you're choosing to not repair. And if you understand and sign can sign your you understand and sign can sign your you understand and sign can sign your name to a piece of paper that says, "I'm name to a piece of paper that says, "I'm name to a piece of paper that says, "I'm choosing my frustration over her piece." choosing my frustration over her piece." choosing my frustration over her piece." Sign your name to it. If you can sign Sign your name to it. If you can sign Sign your name to it. If you can sign that with a straight face and give it to that with a straight face and give it to that with a straight face and give it to her, her, her, then congratulations. You've you've lost then congratulations. You've you've lost then congratulations. You've you've lost the relationship. That's what that's the relationship. That's what that's the relationship. That's what that's what you're doing. You're signing your what you're doing. You're signing your what you're doing. You're signing your name away to the end of it.