Joe Rogan Experience #909 - Bill Burr

Key Takeaway

Protect one hour today for a demanding, absorbing practice that clears your head—drumming, martial arts, writing, lifting, or another skill with room to improve. Bill Burr describes drumming as both meditation and a workout because concentrating on the next technical challenge makes everything else recede. Treat that hour as maintenance, not a luxury: choose one small weakness, practice it deliberately, and let the routine make you more present and less reactive elsewhere.

Episode Overview

Joe Rogan and Bill Burr range from comedy craft and creative work to drumming, relationships, parenting, financial security, privacy, and politics. The most practical throughline is Burr’s insistence on protecting the practices that keep him balanced while steadily improving his craft, rather than chasing constant exposure or taking on every opportunity.

Full Transcript

Transcript of Joe Rogan Experience #909 - Bill Burr from Joe Rogan Experience. Auto-generated from episode audio; may contain minor errors.

Let's clear our throats to start. This stuff is good. We're live? That's it, [ __ ] That's it. I'm pushing the [ __ ] computer away. I got throat coat tea. That's right. You're ready to go. Billy Burr. Hey, how are you? Netflix special out today. Out now. That's right. Walk your way up. Shot at the Ryman Theater in Nashville, Tennessee. That's where they used to do Grand Ole Opry. It's a beautiful place. Yeah, and I had done it um in 2014 Vince Vaughn Wild West.

He has a comedy festival there. I don't know if you've done it yet, but I did it. I did the Ryman there for the same reason. Yeah, so I went out there and I was like, you know, everyone was like, all right, well, it's the first place they did the Grand Ole Opry, Elvis, you know, Hank Williams, whatever, and you're like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Another theater, and you walk in and you're like, oh, wait a minute. This is I just had like that magic in it, and I was went out, and I had this great set, and that's just, you know, you just stick it in the card catalog going, all right, next time I have I was like, I just burned all this material, so I got to write a whole new hour and come back here.

And so, next time um you know, I go to shoot something. I think it was about a month before I did the Tabernacle uh for my one previous to that. So, I already knew, which was cool, before I wrote my next hour where I was going to shoot it. So, Are you on a a 2-year schedule, you think? Do you think that's the way to do it? Roughly 2 years, but I have like like a vibe of when Like this one was overcooked, and just cuz I got real busy with F is for Family.

I would have liked to have taped it like about 6 months earlier, but it made it uh I think it it made it better or whatever. Um but I would have just as far as you know what I mean? It's it's kind of like in this business, there's there's that thing you don't want to be overexposed, but then you don't want to wait too long. So, you got to try to And then that's also not like a oh, so-and-so's successful, and he waits X amount of time, so I'm going to do the exact thing.

It's really um it's really like whatever you're trying to do. So, it's kind of different for every different people. Like those YouTube stars, like their thing is all about just constantly putting out content. stuff. Yeah. Where I think the road that I'm on is, you know, like right now I'm out there promoting this [ __ ] and then once it comes out and everybody's seen it and they're liking it and then I'm done promoting it, then I just sort of disappear until F is for Family comes out.

Um I'm kind of a big believer in that of, you know, be out there when you got something that's going on. Don't just do [ __ ] to do [ __ ] Right. that like extra TV. Hey, he's just here to be here. Right. he's over there. There's that guy again. Then I cuz I find myself people that I'm fans of starting to hate people going like, can't [ __ ] get away from this [ __ ] guy. And then I'm thinking like, do I actually hate this person?

Or I don't know what it is, but there's there's definitely a tipping point. You know who's real smart about that? Daniel Tosh. He doesn't do [ __ ] He doesn't do a [ __ ] thing. He sells out everywhere he goes. He's got millions of dollars, so he's like, I don't I don't need to do [ __ ] I'm overexposed as it is. My show's on constantly. I'm not doing nothing. He won't do interviews, doesn't do podcasts. Yeah. Adam Sandler's another guy. Yeah. Adam Sandler doesn't do I don't I'm trying to think the last time I saw him promote a movie, and yet I see all of his movies.

Yeah. And then I just hear through the grapevine, oh, he signed some big thing with Netflix. All his movies are going to be over there. I was like, all right, I guess I'm watching them over there. And I've always just sort of like And it wasn't until um I talked to somebody like, yeah, he doesn't do any press. Good for him. Basic basic man. I might be wrong, but from what I heard from he does very little if he does any. Yeah, no, he's smart. He's got his core audience, you know.

I watched Jack and Jill with my kids, with my 6-year-old and my 8-year-old. It is [ __ ] hilarious when you watch a really silly movie with a 6-year-old and an 8-year-old, and they're literally falling off the couch laughing. That's awesome. And you realize like, oh, he's making movies for little kids. Like people who get mad at it, you know, like, oh, those movies are stupid. Not if you're 6. If you're 6, they're [ __ ] awesome. if you're just getting a stupid movie? That's what I like.

I don't want to [ __ ] think every time I go see him. Sometimes I just want somebody to make me laugh. Right. I liked uh the Zohan one. that movie. Yeah, when his I love what he's coming up with. He's hilarious. Dude, I remember when I was living with Bobby Kelly, we watched Waterboy. Um Bobby Boucher. We watched that thing like [ __ ] 900 times. Like it was kind of like our go-to. You know, if we didn't have spots, you're trying to kill a day, and we just We had the little VHS thing.

Yes. Yeah, and then we I probably saw that movie at least 30, 40 times. Yeah, and Happy Gilmore. I saw Happy Gilmore at least 10 times. That's a [ __ ] great movie. the name of the last one when he did with Spade when he was uh he worked at the bank in the supermarket. Did you watch that one? I don't think so. one. It came out like last year. No, I didn't see it. My short-term memory's shot, but that was that was a funny one, too.

No, his movies are they're always consistently that way, you know, that kind of movie. No, and I like that they're unapologetically silly. Yeah. Because uh you know, he's a guy that gets a lot of [ __ ] and he just doesn't give a [ __ ] Like, oh, all right, you didn't like this one? Here's another one that made a zillion dollars. Yeah, avoid the press, find your core audience. Do what you got to do. Yeah. I like that what you're doing like that I like that sort of schedule.

I feel like that's uh kind of like the same amount of time that I do. Around a year and a half I start thinking this thing's about done. Right. And a year in, I feel like, well, I could kind of pull it off, but not really. It's not smart. You know what I mean? You take it out of the oven too soon, then there's just like that you know? Yeah. was still a little mushy. It's just like, you know, I yeah, you go out there and you kick the [ __ ] out of them every couple of years.

Hopefully hopefully they like it, and then then they'll come see you again on your next tour. Yeah. And and that's all you owe them, and that's all they owe you. It's just like, I saw your last one. You're still in my wheelhouse of people I'm going to go see. But the second you [ __ ] up, I'm not going to go see you. And you can't ask fans to do any more than that. No. Well, what about the other stuff I did that didn't suck? It's like No, no, no.

Yeah, but your last thing sucked, and there's too many too much unbelievable stuff being put out, so you got to kind of try and keep up. Yeah, Ari Shaffir had a real good point about that, too. He said that at, you know, one point in time, comedians used to have uh they used to do a special, and it was like their best special, like an HBO special, and then they would slide off. They would all slide off, every one of them. Like Kinison's the worst. Like Kinison, you watch Kinison's first special, and then you watch like Listen to Louder Than Hell, that that cassette, and watch his first HBO special, [ __ ] genius.

Just put balls out. And if you don't get it, I I understand because it's not 1986 anymore. But if you were in 1986 and you saw that, you would have been blown away. You would have been like in the presence of greatness. No, he's on my Mount Rushmore, that guy. Me, too. Me, too. But then the stuff after that is dog [ __ ] It got worse and worse and worse. of as far as I can just I mean, I never met the guy, but just as far as watching him as a fan, uh he kind of seemed like he stepped in every single pitfall of being uh of getting some fame.

Yep. It everything like not trying as hard. Coke, girls. Yeah. Yeah. Showing up late to [ __ ] Getting Hanging out with Bon Jovi. Getting a bad reputation. No, Mötley Crüe. Bon Jovi, too. Bon Jovi yeah, was one of his early specials. Like Bon Jovi was on the beginning of his special. I just remember he drove Mötley Crüe to the Whiskey for the Kickstart My Heart video. Oh, that's right. That's right. of the '80s, dude. Oh, that's a great video. That [ __ ] Kickstart My Heart still to this day when that comes on at the gym, I get fired up.

Oh, it's a great song. It's a great [ __ ] song. in the beginning is brutal, though. He goes, here we are. He gets up like, this is where it all began. And And the guy goes And then somebody in the car goes, yeah. Then he goes, home sweet home. And then they all go, yeah. Oh god, pull that up. Pull that up, Jamie. Give me some volume. Dude, it was the '80s, though. It was Kinison's driving. Yeah, Kinison's driving. But Tommy Lee's drums in this are [ __ ] amazing, man.

Wow. You forget how long these guys have been around, how long Tommy Lee's been around. How is it How are his arms not falling off? Give me Give me a little volume on that, Jamie. I want to hear this. [ __ ] yeah. This is the best treadmill song of all time. If you're on the [ __ ] treadmill, that you did it. It's a [ __ ] great song for working out, man. I think this is their best song ever. I played this at the uh the comedy jam with Josh and those Did you really?

Oh, wow. to tell you, dude, trying to keep the [ __ ] eighth notes on on on the the snare drum. I thought you were I'm falling off. That was that was a [ __ ] You were explaining to me something before the podcast started. I wanted you to talk about it on the podcast because you were talking about drum technique, and you had like a slow-motion video of how you do it, and you're kind of letting the stick do a lot of the work. Yeah, I got this great teacher, uh Dave Elitch, who played with everybody from uh Mars Volta to like Miley Cyrus.

So, whatever your gig is, like total progressive, crazy. I can't even, you know, some of the music he's played, I got I don't know where one is. And then he can also just do the straight pop tour or whatever. But um his technique is incredible. Cuz the first time I saw him play, he's got this drum cam. I should I should show it to you. It's literally I'm looking at it, and with, you know, layman's eyes, I was like, how is this guy's arms not falling off?

But his technique, you know, as I've, you know, gone and taken lessons for well over a year with him. Now I can watch it on a a different level as far as like his technique is sick. So, he's not [ __ ] his arms up and everything. He's moving his arms, giving people a show, but like he it's it's it's hard to explain like um first of all, I'm not a professional drummer, but it's also hard to explain like over a podcast. But like he's Yeah, it's it's it's letting the stick do and he kind of equated it to like if you're like dribbling like a ball or something like that, or maybe it was somebody else.

Like if you dribble a basketball, it's like every time it comes up to your hand, once you get it going, you're not slamming it back down to the floor. You're just sort of controlling the rebound. It's has something sort of to do. There it is. This is the one. If you If you play If you turn up the uh the volume. Um just this is just going to bore the [ __ ] out of people. Let's do a [ __ ] drum track. not. You see his hands, how loose his hands are?

See when he just opens his hand like that? He's getting, you know, Well, you know what? This guy's a [ __ ] animal, man. You love drumming, huh? You're You're [ __ ] really deep into this [ __ ] It's literally uh I tried therapy. I tried talking to people and [ __ ] and it's just like Yeah, I only get so far, but like that stuff like just totally clears my head, and I like it because it's like comedy where there's somewhere to go with it, where and it's endless.

Like there's really no end to how good you can come as a comic if you keep pushing yourself, but there's little skill sets that you you know that kind of weak, and you can just keep making, you know, working on them. Drumming's the same way. So, it's that going for the next thing that has me just present, trying to work it out, and I just forget about everything else, and um you know, I even got a kid now. My wife still lets me go play for an hour a day cuz she knows it's good for us.

So, that's like it's like a meditation on top of like a little bit of a workout, too, because you're throwing your arms around. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a They're all shredded. Like you can look at guys like Travis Barker and Tommy Lee. Those guys have jacked veins. They're all shredded. Yeah. Well, yeah. Well, that part of that I think is also like if you just sort of struggle There's also something to it. That's I'm not talking about anybody you just mentioned, but there is something Something about if you do heroin in your 20s, you're kind of like shredded for life.

I don't know what it is. Iggy Pop, I don't know if he did heroin. If he did hard drugs definitely did. Those guys are like Those guys are just shredded. It's very rare that after you come out of that You know, Keith Richards, all of those guys, they just Keith Richards is like you could pick that guy up with two [ __ ] fingers. Yeah, he's all skin and you. Yeah, he's all like Yeah, it's like he's did Pilates. Nah, I just shot heroin for like 3 years.

Look at Iggy. He's still shredded. His skin His skin is giving up. Like he's losing the elasticity, but he's still He's still uh shredded. I saw him Yeah, he's His body is very odd. I saw him um I saw him in uh Well, you're looking at him now when he's like 70. I saw him uh with Queens of the Stone Age back at the map. I saw him uh downtown LA. How long ago? Like [ __ ] about a year ago. And this is what I loved about the guy.

He went out there and in and like one song in, he had his [ __ ] shirt off. He just didn't give a [ __ ] Bert Kreischer of music. Yeah, and that's why that's why I like, you know, when they give Madonna [ __ ] for twerking at 58, it's like who gives a [ __ ] I mean, there is something, you know, there is like there is something to be said about uh It's all how you do it. He did it, I felt like he didn't give a [ __ ] But if you're kind of doing it as this desperate thing, still trying to be like good looking, then it gets a little uh I guess it gets a little cheesy.

The Madonna thing, it's not the twerking, it's the [ __ ] that she says with the twerking, you know, like uh I'll I'll suck everyone's dick who doesn't vote for Trump. Like that kind of stuff. Like really? Well. Hey, dude, she's been able to hang around for [ __ ] 40 years doing it. It works. but it's just like don't do that anymore. What if a tooth falls out? What if you're blowing somebody and it just goes wrong? She just She's 70 years old or something.

like She's 85 years old. She's 58. She's 58. 10 years older than me. She's in better shape than I'll ever be in. She seems a lot older than that. Doesn't she? I mean, when we were kids, she was already a grown woman. When she broke, she was like 25, I think. She made it quick. I remember when I was in high school. I've told the story before, but I when I was like 16, I was in love with her, and I found out she was 27, and I was like that [ __ ] is old.

Jesus Christ. I thought 27 was her to the curb at 16? I just thought she was so old. She didn't even have I KNOW. I KNOW. I just was [ __ ] I was 16. I didn't know any better, but I just remember hearing that she was in her late 20s. I'm like, "Ugh, it's over." Look at her. That was when she was kind of chubby, too. I do uh I did think 27 though when I was a kid, like when I would see a 27-year-old guy, I used to think that's a man.

Like he's he's got it figured out. Yeah. He's on his own, you know. All this [ __ ] I'm going through is all sorted out in his [ __ ] head. I used to think that. I had a whole bit about that. 48, and I'm just like going to be 49 this year, and I'm just like uh still figuring [ __ ] out. I had a whole bit about Remember when you were a kid and you thought there were real grownups? Like you look you think when you know, you were confused, you get yelled at, you get sent to your room.

You're like, "One day I'm going to be a grownup, and everything's going to make sense." And then one day you're in line at the supermarket, and someone goes, "Paper or plastic, sir?" And you're like, "Sir? Am I a sir? Am I a grownup? Yeah. [ __ ] this is it? Then you realize there's no grownups. There's just a bunch of babies who got older. Mhm. And they're all pretending, and they look like they're grownup to you cuz you're on the outside, but once you become one of them, you realize there is no grownups.

There's There's some out there. There's some men and women out there. I'm not one of them. Have you met one? Yeah. Like who? Name one. Uh I've met a few as far as like in this business, as far as like people just like uh I would say anybody like who was They have like this super successful in this business, but and they just go home. You know what I mean? They go They just go home. Like that's an adult. Right. You know they go to work, they [ __ ] crush it.

You know, if there is an after-party, they make their appearance, they have a little seltzer water, and they're gone, and they get 8 hours sleep. They're talking to the They're talking to their wife and their kids. Like to me, those those are adults. To do what I do is, you know, to still go out and [ __ ] have a couple of whiskeys and wake up a little hungover going, "Oh god, why did I do that?" For the 9 millionth time in my life. Like I Yeah, I'm not an adult.

Yeah, but I don't feel I don't think there's anyone like that that's a comic. I don't know anybody that's really funny that has it all totally together. I've never met one. Yeah. Name one. They don't exist. Yeah, they don't exist. They're all [ __ ] up a little bit. Just a little I mean, keeping it together, like paying your taxes, showing up on time, all that good stuff. Adult-like. But all Every Every one of us is one shitty No, it's not bad, but every one of us is one shitty decision from a disaster.

Every one of us in any moment. Like when I watch people uh I don't know. When I watch them [ __ ] up their lives, like there's always uh the first uh feeling I have is panic when I see it. I'm like, "Oh god." Imagine what they're thinking, right? You imagine yourself in their position. Yeah. God, imagine what if I did that? Yeah. Yeah. you see someone pulled over for drunk driving, like, "Fuck." Oh, no. Oh, no. The whole [ __ ] thing. Giving your money to the wrong people.

They mismanagement. You [ __ ] go broke. Becoming a [ __ ] alky. I just read something about a man Banging the maid. Here's one. Banging the maid. Oh, the banging the maid's a good one. maid or the nanny. Yeah. You can't have a maid or a nanny in your life. Well, if you do, they have to be disgusting. That's like the Didn't Ben Affleck bang his nanny? He did, right? never confirmed. That was never confirmed. confirmed it. Yeah, but what does that mean? She needs a book deal?

She got fired? Who knows? Unless Unless he came out and said, "I never [ __ ] her." And he never did that. you going to do that to him? Yeah, I don't I'm not a big fan of his. You know why? You didn't like The Town? No, I didn't like him He went on Bill Maher's show. Got in this ridiculous argument with Sam Harris. I realized what he what he's all about. I was like, "Oh, you're one of those guys." He's like calling Sam Harris a racist cuz he was talking about the problem with ideologies and religions and the tenets of Islam, and he started yelling at him calling him a racist, and didn't really understand that Sam Harris is actually a scholar, knows a lot about religion, and he just got way over his head, and looked really stupid.

So, the only difference between me and him is he did that on TV, and I do it over the phone with my friends. only difference is you're funny. You're funny, and if you did it, you have self-deprecating humor. You would have you know, like, "The [ __ ] am I talking about? I don't know shit." Yeah. guy at the gas station I just stopped at right before I got here. When I found out they didn't take credit cards. What happened? They just didn't take You know, I was mad at him?

Uh I I I was a [ __ ] to him. Really? Yeah. Because what it And what it was was I was getting up against being here by 11, and I got to get home to take my wife out of the house cuz she's going nuts staying in the house with the kids. So, I got that thing, and I got to sign this other [ __ ] you know, life insurance. You know, I got to do all this adult [ __ ] And I'm thinking I got this little window to get gas, and I show up in this [ __ ] industrial park.

There's no gas station. I finally go in all the way down, and the whole time there was like it's Thrifty, and I'm thinking like isn't that a [ __ ] car rental place? So, I pull in, and I stick the credit When I stuck it in, I'm going, "This is too easy." Cuz I know I have the exact amount of time to get here right on time. And of course, it's just like, "Is this debit?" I'm like, "Oh, you cunt." I'm like, "No." And they go, "Go in and see the uh the guy behind the register." And I'm like, "Yeah, I tried to use my credit card." And he goes, "Uh we don't we don't uh we don't take credit cards here." And I go, "Why?" And he goes, "I just take debit card." I just kept saying why like a [ __ ] 2-year-old.

And he finally just goes, "So, it's cheaper." And I was like, "All right, that's a That's a good excuse." And I gave him like 60 bucks, and it only ended up being like 39. So, then I had to go back in and get my change, and he's looking at me like, "See? You [ __ ] idiot. It would have cost you like 15 more." So, I do that all the time. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of those [ __ ] debit card only ones. That's stupid.

Why not? You never use your debit card. You use your credit card anyway. Why? What happens? Cuz that's your money. So, if somebody takes that and then cleans you out, that's your [ __ ] If somebody swipes your credit card number, that's their money. Mhm. So, then they call you up, and they just go, "Hey, Joe, did you buy a ham hock in [ __ ] Vancouver at a strip club?" Why no, I didn't. I was in Burbank. Good Good luck WITH THAT. HAS ANYBODY EVER BOUGHT A HAM HOCK IN A STRIP CLUB?

DUDE, YOU'VE GIVEN me every piece of the [ __ ] elk except that. I've got some ham hock for you. Some some bone he can chop up and make marrow with. So I got a buddy of mine who's a lawyer who prosecutes identity theft, which a lot of lawyers don't want to do because it's unbelievably tedious. And they when they call up a lot of times they're calling up the credit card companies to to fight for their case. They still have to go through that maze.

If you'd like to do this, press one. If you'd like to do that, press two. You know, and they're trying to help them out. So but that was one thing that I remember that of all things he told me not to do. He goes, "Don't ever use your debit card cuz if they get that and they clean you out, that's your [ __ ] money." You know, and then all of a sudden you got a mortgage coming up and then you're late and you're like, "No, but somebody took my my money." And blah blah blah blah blah.

It's your credit card. They have to deal with it. I had an attempt recently. And I'm I'm I'm thinking I'm wondering whether or not it's because I switched over to Windows. Cuz you know I have this Windows computer now. Like I got I got pissed off at Mac. People got mad at us clearing our throat and I just cleared my throat again. Um I switched over to this Windows computer cuz I get mad these Macs. They they switched over all the ports and now you have this USB-C and you have to get an adapter if you want to use all your other [ __ ] to it.

I know. I got Rosetta Stone French, right? I can't There's no place to stick the [ __ ] Yeah, you have to get an adapter. You get So I was like, "What the fuck?" How about the iPhone 7 with the little [ __ ] umbilical cord? thing, yeah. Yeah, but you can get a a splitter with that where it goes with a you can use a regular headphone jack. it's all extra money. Yeah. It's all extra money and then you [ __ ] lose them. I think the idea is that eventually there's going to be some peripherals that are more powerful and they don't work on the existing ports.

But you know, like I got this this Lenovo ThinkPad and I love it. And this is the second one that I got cuz this it's got everything. It's got an ethernet port. It's got HDMI. It's got all this [ __ ] It's tiny. The battery life is [ __ ] forever. It's got this fat battery in the bottom, but for the first time in a long time somebody tried to steal my identity. And I'm like, "Geez, I wonder if it's has to do with that. I wonder if it's a Windows thing." Does that make sense?

Um Not really? I don't know. Could be. Could be something else. I don't know. But it's sneaky. But at least when I have a business management company they contact me. They put the stop to it right away. Oh, that's cool. But it's uh it's disconcerting that your shit's out there, you know, that someone's trying to find your social security number and attach to your credit card and Yeah. buy something. Yeah. Yeah, I've had it happen at uh gas stations where they put that fake scanner on.

They put a fake scanner over the scanner. So as you scan through and you're even allowed you even are using it. Like you're using your credit card, you're buying gas, but you gave them your credit card information. Yeah, I've I've two times credit cards that's happened me at gas station. Restaurants are another big double swipe thing. Yeah, restaurants. Well, that's people that work there, scumbags. You got to go uh you got to go cash as much as you can. I know, right? Isn't that crazy? This never happened.

You don't know me. I know a guy who he's dead now, but he was one of the first credit card thieves. His name was International Sal. That's what we used to call him because uh when he got arrested, that's what the that was what his nickname was was International Sal cuz this is in like the '70s and the '80s when credit cards first came out. He would get those uh those carbon slips from restaurants and they would make up new credit cards and then sell them to criminals.

And he would just get bags and bags of cash from it. And this guy was gambling. He'd go to the pool hall uh that I went to and just he was like the most perpetual loser you've ever seen in your life. Like he could not win. It was a psychological Oscar-winning movie. Yeah. This guy's life. Well, in a way it probably should be. I mean he was a trip. did he how did he end up dying? Cancer. Bad. Colon cancer. It was real bad. And a buddy of mine's wife That's where Hollywood would switch up the the the script.

That's just too common. Go off a bridge like Thelma and Louise. He um That's what happened to me the other night when I was on stage and I was joking about men going to the moon and somebody yelled out, "Go see Hidden Figures." And I was like, "Yeah, cuz that's in a history book." Like I just saw how people I'm not saying those obviously those women existed, but like the then now they're going to do the overcorrection where it was like these three women Oh, yeah.

are It's just like every time you see a picture of like NASA, you'll see like a thousand like a hundred worker bees. Nobody knows their [ __ ] names. It's like, "We got there cuz of all of those people." But it's just like it's like when a team wins a championship. Like if they win if the Patriots win, it's going to be all about Tom Brady. You know, no one's going to know the [ __ ] offensive line's name. And if and if if if the Falcons win, it's going to be about, you know, I don't know, Julio Jones or Matt Ryan.

You know these guys. Yeah, you wouldn't know this. Tom Brady's got some wacky diet. There was some article about Tom Brady's diet being [ __ ] Do you know about Tom Brady's diet? He's got some crazy diet. No, I don't get into people's personal lives. Like I just I watch the game. No, but I don't I wouldn't if they if they had like Tom Brady talks about his what you know, beans and [ __ ] rice. Like I No, I just want to watch the game.

I don't watch pre pregame. I don't watch postgame. I don't need you to break it down for me. I watched it. You know, I I I I like There's certain people that if they were to break it down. It's the same thing with like what you do. There's certain things like the reason why I like your commentating was I learned about like the leg kicks and all like you always hammer that home how much that just chops the other guy down. Aside from the fact is, you know, I've been kicked in the shin.

Everybody has. And I gotten a charley horse and I just don't understand like like that one that Conor McGregor had against uh what's his face there Ortiz? Not Ortiz. I'm the worst with the names. He It's for him the second time. The guy Diaz. Diaz. When just watching him repeatedly kick him in the leg. And then in the end he McGregor leaves on crutches. It's just like Broke his foot. Yeah, like how much is your adrenaline going? Going like crazy. You don't feel a thing. Yeah, that you can just keep kicking somebody in their leg hitting their bone with the top bone of your whatever it was that your metatarsals?

Whatever the hell it is. And um and just keep doing it. I can just picture myself kicking the guy once going, "Ah!" Just grabbing it and hopping up and down like the guy on Family Guy. Yeah, most of the time you don't feel it while it's happening. I've broken I broke my shin. I broke my foot. I broke both feet. Kick elbows. Elbows are a way that a lot of times guys break it. Cuz guys will cover up and your foot like your instep will slam into the elbow.

Your instep always loses. Always. Shins Now now when the adrenaline wears off and you realize you've broken your instep kicking someone as hard as you can in their elbow. What is that pain like? It's agony. Just throbbing. Your foot swells up to like the size of your thigh. It just gets becomes a big balloon of black and blue and it's disgusting. You know what's funny? After watching my wife, you know, going through labor and everything, I said the only men that could actually relate would be people who do that for a [ __ ] living.

People fight, they couldn't even relate. It's It's worse than that. Yeah, it's genitals. It's genitals. It's coming out of your your vagina. It's crazy. No, I got a whole new level of respect for my wife. I was just like Oh, yeah. She told me the funniest [ __ ] thing. When she went into like pre-labor, um you know, and I was just going I was, you know, telling her to breathe and I was running to get the stuff, you know, I was pretty prepared. And there was some code or something like that.

I was like I was like, "You know, Nia, where did you leave the blah blah blah blah blah?" She goes, "When you said that to me," she goes, "I was almost ready to black out with the pain." And she goes, "I I s- I had this thought. If he asked me one more time where that code is, I'm going to push this baby out and [ __ ] throw it out." Dude, my wife is hilarious. Um She's funny on your podcast, too. No, she's She's funnier than a lot of comedians I know.

She's [ __ ] hilarious. And uh but she has this what I love about She's got this spirit, man. She's just really like when I met her, man, like I never met anybody like There's very few people I met in my life that have like an energy where you're just like, "Wow. Um like I want to be around that." Like she just had this amazing uh like really like she just throws herself into the [ __ ] And I was really kind of uh you know, I was more like guarded and all of that.

So it was sort of the perfect kind of balance. But every time I I think I've seen the end of of that energy, like she does something else. So um yeah, it was pretty pretty amazing. a great relationship then you're both growing. You know, she's growing and you're growing. Oh, yeah. No, dude, she's hit me with some [ __ ] classic lines. I remember one time she, you know, I I was calling her out on some [ __ ] she was doing. And I just took it like a little too far.

I should have stopped like probably 5 minutes earlier and I was still going. I go, "You [ __ ] blah blah blah blah blah. And you did this da da da." I was in the car and right as I stopped she goes, "Yeah, well, you know pony ride either, my friend." And we both just bursted out laughing. And that was just like the end of the fight. So she has that ability um where in the past, you know, you know, I would date people either they were like too nice.

So they couldn't handle how [ __ ] up I was. Or the worst, they were just as [ __ ] up as I was and it was totally toxic. So she's just sort of like grounded. Yeah, that's that's so important when you're you're dating somebody or married somebody or whatever. They have to compliment you and you have to compliment them in some sort of a way. You can't be the exactly the same. And who you are is different when you're with different people. You know? If you're with a person like that who can crack a joke in the middle of the heat of everything, you you become a different person.

They become a different person. But if she's with somebody who doesn't appreciate that, you know, I mean it's just like you become like you're not just an individual. You're an individual who relates to other people and you become someone different when you relate to those people. Yeah. Uh it took me forever to uh to realize that. Yeah, there's people who are bad for you. it was how come I can't break up with this person? That's how I figured out I was in love. Well, that's a good one, too, though.

Yeah, no, every time I pictured breaking up with her, I kept picturing her walking away and then me going like, "No, no, no, no, no, get back, get back, get back." Then after denying that that was love for a good [ __ ] 8 years, I was just like, "Yeah, I guess I guess I have found the one." That's an abused word, love. There's way too many people throwing that word around like a beach ball at a concert. It's just too abused. of that [ __ ] and then like all of the stuff that people say that when you first see your kid, all like that they fill your head up on what the [ __ ] you're supposed to feel.

Yeah. I was talking about this on uh I think on Kimmel. Like I would when I saw my kid for the first time, I was like afraid. Like I would like I didn't have that Oh my god and start crying. I was just like, "Hey." And I sort of just put my finger down and let it like hold Yeah. and when they left me alone with the the first time, like the magnitude of it was was was definitely huge, but I didn't feel that whole like you know, the second I caught saw my kid, I knew my life had changed.

But I didn't feel that for like 12 hours. It wasn't until the next but I think it was my head was so filled up on what I was supposed I was like having an out-of-body experience. Yeah. And it wasn't until the you know, the next morning my wife was playing like Stevie Wonder, you know what I mean? Some chill music and stuff and I was just sitting with her and it just sort of, you know, and you know, baby baby sneezes or something like that. You just and it just [ __ ] hits you.

Yeah. Um but even then, I never had like that blubbering moment. I had to me it was kind of scary, too. And all and kind of psychedelic. Because when uh when my daughter was born, my 8-year-old was born, there was a moment when I was thinking, "How many babies are being born simultaneously right now all over the world?" And if you could look at it on a screen, it would be a swarm of humanity just just heads popping out OF [ __ ] JUST YEAH. JUST IF YOU COULD SEE EVERY BABY COMING out right now.

And then and then I thought at the same time, I thought about this baby becoming an old lady and dying. And I thought like how many old people are dying simultaneously at the same time right now. Yeah, see I think it's important to say that because every the hacky thing is you're supposed to say, "The second I saw my kid, I bursted out crying and blah blah blah blah blah." And then so then it becomes like if you don't do that, you're not going to be a good dad, you don't care, and all of that type of stuff.

But I I just think that that kind of became like the the hacky um default thing. And then I also This is all just theories, of course, and I'm not going to research any of this. But um I think parents try to outdo each other with their stories about what the [ __ ] they felt and it just become Like they're really they're really like they're not sane people, most parents. No. And I've learned to kind of already be like um they'll just sit down next to you like you're Forrest Gump and they'll just sit down and just start talking to you.

So you just had your kid. All right, well, this is what you got to watch out for, you know, and I remember my kid and blah blah blah blah blah. Dude, it's like Airplane, you know what I mean? With the with the [ __ ] person he talks to you and you want to kill yourself. Just wait until you start going to school and you got to hang out with these parents all the time because your kids become friends with their kids and then you you become friends with these people that you would never be [ __ ] friends with.

This is This is what I do is I just look straight ahead and I don't look at them. I don't respond to what they're saying. And then they just sort of talk quieter and they gradually leave. You're going to have to go to dinner with them. Your wife's going to be friends with some lady. You're going to What's going on a double date? Okay, fine. You're going to go. This is one guy I know. He he talks and he doesn't look at you. He tells me these [ __ ] stupid stories about his kid and the basketball team and he looks at you for a second.

So So Adam's in this basketball team and then he starts looking down. He's like and then the the coach won't put him in the game. And I'm saying like he's a good player. He's a good player. How come he's not putting him in the game? And he's [ __ ] rambling rambling with no regard whatsoever for your attention span, the entertainment value of what he's saying. He's just The underlying insecurity of not being able to look at you or he's so in self-involved. He's self-involved and he's doing some weird thing with his hands where he's like like talking with his hands and I'm going, "Jesus Christ." It's literally like someone's crushing your about doing to him?

Uh I just running. Just running away. I don't want to hurt him. The guy's hurt by life. He's so damaged by life. I don't want to do anything to him. I just want to get the [ __ ] away. I always picture those people and I have a giant roll of duct tape. I just put it on there. It's like a cartoon level speed. No, it's cartoon level. I just put it on their mouth and I go and the and the last one it comes up and over their head and then it hangs down.

The whole rest of the tape is hanging down over their head. Awkwardly. And and I and then I just go back to eating or whatever and they just sit there and slowly have to take it off. There's some brutal [ __ ] people. It's you know, there's a bunch of weird people that you you know, you get closer to them and then you find out about their life. Yeah, but you know what? All those people I want to do that to them. I'm sure they're talking about me.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure they talk about me, too. That's just how it goes. he was in a bad mood. Yeah, all the time. Yeah. Yeah, this this friend of Ron White's who's a friend of mine who the first time he met me he was like, "Ah, I don't know." And Ron's like, "I'm telling you he's a good guy." Like they're he's a a dad, too, and we're all buddies together now, but he's like, "I don't know. I just I'm guarded. I've been beaten down by some of these [ __ ] basketball stories that these [ __ ] tell you." Yeah.

And my kid he's a good player. He's a good player. They just won't put him IN THE GAME. JUST YOU THINK OF THINGS THAT YOU WOULD torture somebody talking about and you like, "I would never do this to you. Why are you doing this to me?" Like he you're not even thinking about waterboarding. You're like in your own little Guantanamo. That's a great way to describe it. like, "When is the dessert tray coming so I could say I don't need dessert?" That's part of the problem with hanging around with comedians, too.

It's when they say something like for for a a good percentage of it is funny. It doesn't have to be funny all the time, but a good percentage. When you're talking to people that aren't funny at all and it never comes. They're like, "Surely there's something funny coming." Eventually? Nothing? Never? Never. Something compelling. Nothing. Not a goddamn thing. Just "Rambling coach kid kid plays good." And that's when I start thinking like those duct tape fantasies and then I start making myself laugh and I have to pretend like I'm drinking and then they get all weirded out cuz they see some weird look on my face and it the whole thing just [ __ ] it just goes south.

Yeah. I usually breathe. I take these breathing exercises. I do the Wim Hof method where I take all my breath in and I let like 15 20% out. There's no way you do that across from a person. Well, I guess if he's not looking at you, he doesn't see it. Yeah, I do. I do like this. Watch, ready? Do you make any noise? got shot and you're waiting for the ambulance when you're doing it? Like you're just trying to hold up the Okay, keep it together.

Stay Stay conscious. Stay conscious. Keep it together. Try to stay present. Try to meditate in the face of overwhelming [ __ ] conversation. Just try to detach myself from whatever they're saying and find a find a happy place. Find a peaceful spot. You ever get Rolfed? You know what Rolfing is? It's a form of like deep deep tissue massage, right? Brutally painful [ __ ] Brutally painful. I get Rolfed and I This guy that does it, he's [ __ ] rough. And he knows how to do it.

Hey, I tell you this guy's rough, yeah. He he has a metal bar. I mean, it really it seems like a torture device. It looks like a chisel, like a fat wide chisel and it has like a thin layer of like rubber over it. And he takes this metal bar and it has like a handle like a sword where it has like a guard. at this point? [ __ ] naked, unfortunately. And he's digging this [ __ ] thing into my back. I mean, digging it in, like all of his weight and he's like pop popping over the scar tissue.

And I I have to go deep into my mind when he's doing it. I just I go I just go deeper and deep My eyes are closed. My face is in that thing. You know, when you get a massage and that stuff. You If you could see my face, it'd be all like pushed and squashed into that little massage chair thing or massage table thing. Look like you're doing that Red Bull jump from the outer space. My buddy is a world champion at that [ __ ] He's he's traveled more in that flying squirrel suit.

He's traveled the further distances than anybody. Dude, that Red Bull jump, that [ __ ] guy was I think he was like un He was just falling like a stone from space. Yeah. How about the guy that fell into a net? Did you see that one? just did the comedy thing and I I totally derailed you. No, it's okay. Okay. I I find my happy space while this guy's doing this. I and I have to do that. I literally I I think I'm going I go just deeper and deeper in my mind to ignore the pain cuz the pain is so intense.

The only way I could get through that basketball guy is if I already told my wife that he did it and it annoyed me. And then what I would do is I would just be egging him on going like, "So why why doesn't he play him?" And just and just keep going and then she would start kicking me under the table cuz she would start laughing. And then I would have to turn what he was doing into a show. That's the only way to do it or else I'm just going to I would probably if I actually dealt with the emotion of those kinds of moments, I would probably start crying.

I would probably just break down and be like, "I don't want to [ __ ] do this." Well, I would I just feel like I have to talk to the guy. I feel like I I wish I could I get him high on ecstasy and talk to him. Just get him to completely remove all of his insecurities and fears. And I'd be like, "Man, when you talk to people, you got to be thinking that they're listening to you." I can give great suggestion for if you have to keep going out with a couple like that.

You got to get the corner booth. So then you're not directly across from each other. So then you don't have to look at him. He can just You can just sit there in your meditation nodding and he's not going to be looking at you see it his peripheral as if you're actively listening. And you could be looking, you know, at the Doesn't matter with this guy. He'll get you. I think he's a little on the spectrum. There's something going on there. There's a If it bleeds, we can kill it.

There's a detachment. There's a detachment to where he communicates where it just it just seems like like socially he's not present. It's very odd. Very odd method of communication. Yep, I hear you. I I knew somebody like that. talk to the guy and like you'd want I'd want to like tell him like, you know, I get you know, you have this thing but you got to it's got to be fun for the other person here. Like there's got to be something there. And you know, we've all done something like that.

We've all said something that someone didn't want to listen to. Oh, not me. Not me. Never. Oh, no. I walk in wearing a scarf kind of like a hero. A scarf and those Snoopy aviator goggles. That's right. Everybody wants to hear my [ __ ] So, there was that guy that jumped, right? He jumped somewhere and he fell into a net. He didn't even have a parachute. They had like a gigantic net somewhere, right? Wasn't that what it was? How far did he fall? 25,000 ft Jesus Christ.

Look at this guy. So, he's skydiving 25,000 ft and he doesn't have a parachute. He's doing tricks. I'll skip ahead here. What the [ __ ] kind of impact must that have been like? Oh, Jesus, look at him. And at the very last minute he has to turn around. So, he's steering himself and at the very last minute Jesus what what kind of fear The very last minute he has to turn. Look at that. Holy [ __ ] that's insane. I mean, how fast is he going at that point?

So, now he's not moving. Now, he's crying cuz he can't believe he got away with it and he doesn't know why the [ __ ] he did it. I know why he did it. You know what I want to hear? I want to hear his opening line to a woman in a bar. I bet it's the worst thing like literally to compensate rather than just, you know, getting a book. Hey, baby, what's your sign? He's got to do this [ __ ] and then talk about it loudly in the vicinity of women.

Luke Aikins is his name. Jesus Christ. My my buddy Andy Stump he holds the world record for uh the longest in one of those flying body suits, the longest distance. What did he travel like 30 mi or something [ __ ] nuts? What did he jump off of? He jumps off everything, planes, whatever. He'll jump off a rocket if you let him. He's crazy. He's a Navy SEAL. He's out of his [ __ ] mind. Out of his mind. Those squirrel suits look fun as [ __ ] though.

Oh, yeah. never do a but that looks fun as hell. They get real close to the ground and then they hit the ground occasionally and then they well, he's just telling me the other day Gumbel, Real Sports. He's his [ __ ] toes. Oh, that's right. He clipped something with his toes. He just like they came back to Brian Gumbel. Brian Gumbel's like uh guy yeah, has a bit of a death wish and the other reporter's like, yeah, yeah, he does. He does. He was just laying on the ground like moaning in this agony.

The worst agony I've ever heard though was that Don't please don't I'm not going to tell you what it is cuz you're not going to play it. It like haunted me. I'll tell you this guy on one of these YouTube videos, the guy who was climbing up the tree to chop it down or something and he just fell and he went straight down and shattered both of his legs and dude Don't pull that up. These I've never I've always look away. These sound He was just in the woods this cuz he'd filmed himself doing He was in the woods just he HE JUST LIKE LIKE [ __ ] OVER AND OVER again just like his soul.

I mean, like if you get if he had a [ __ ] loaded 9 mm within reach he would have blew his brains out. Like that was the level of pain. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that happens a lot of guys when they make tree stands. They set up tree stands and some guys are tough guys. They don't want to wear a harness. Like they have these harnesses that most people wear. They strap around your waist, they strap around your legs and then it hooks to the tree so you can't fall off the tree.

But there's a lot of guys that want to be tough guys. So, they climb up these tree stands and they don't have a harness on and they fall off the tree stand. And you know, you're falling 30 ft whatever it is and you just you just [ __ ] up. got to crawl your way out of the woods. Or not. Or someone finds you days later and you starve to death. Has anybody fallen out of the tree stand and then getting eaten by what they would just kind of kill?

Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure that's happened for bears cuz people go bear hunting and they do they go bear hunting in tree stands. I guarantee you someone's been eaten that way. 100%. A 100,000%. No no chance it hasn't happened. have enough confidence in my ability to secure a tree stand correctly past a certain height knowing that a bear was going to be coming too. That's just two those two factors of of falling that length and then also yeah, and maybe right in front of a bear.

What's more [ __ ] up is how fast a bear can get up a tree. Bears can Oh, I've seen that one. They run up a [ __ ] tree like they're running on the ground. It's insane. Like only up to a certain size. That's what's what's weird. Like when they get to be like 400 lb plus they really can't make it up trees anymore. They're too heavy. Their nails can't like support their body weight. I'm the biggest LOSER FOR GRIZZLIES. THEY'RE MAKING THEM WADE IN THE water to get the salmon.

I don't want to do it. It's really more more black bears than grizzlies that run up trees but they they run up those [ __ ] trees. They just and they're up. Like you can't Yeah, there's a YouTube video of a guy like he's he's like, you know, in the one of those stands and the [ __ ] thing looks up and just runs up the tree next to him and now it's above him. Yeah. in seconds in seconds That's like when you get in a fight in a football stadium.

You want to be in the row behind the guy so you're punching down. Oh, for sure. went from being on the field to like two rows behind this guy and the guy sitting there with his [ __ ] I don't know what he had. bow and arrow or something Yeah. Yeah, it's a bow and arrow. But if a bear doesn't know what a bow and arrow is you could kind of just slowly turn and look right at him, shoot him right in the nose, couldn't you?

Uh you might be able to but it's not going to kill him instantly. The problem with that is they're going to get a hold of you. Like if a bear was right there in front of you and you shot it with a bow and arrow there's two things that can happen. One, it could run away or two, it can attack you. And if it decides to attack you by the time it expires, it's going to take like 30 seconds for it to die. And by the time it expires, it's going to [ __ ] maul you.

Yeah, I know but Leonardo he got attacked for like a minute and a half. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, if you've seen Hidden Figures? I found out that Leonardo story was you know, it's supposedly based on a true story. We had Steve Rinella in here who was a historian on that ancient wild west [ __ ] and he told me it was all [ __ ] He's like, first of all, the guy did get mauled by a bear. Yes, but he got away and he crawled back to camp and that's it.

Like he didn't have a son. His son never got killed. Like there was no son. Like they made all that [ __ ] up. He never fell off the cliff. if you actually made movies how [ __ ] really happens it would be like you'd have to watch that guy in the [ __ ] restaurant with you not looking at people. Like that's how they would be. That's why people go to movies cuz you got to have like a When my when my wife was watching that women's march after a while I couldn't watch it anymore cuz it wasn't going anywhere.

It was 100,000 people standing outside agreeing with each other. They were all in the same page. They were there was no nothing like it didn't go anywhere. Right. No arrests all over the country. Millions of people marched, no arrests. That's pretty amazing. That's cuz they're women. You can't hit them. That's what it was. If they was if those were guys eventually the cops would be sick of them and they they'd send a plain clothes guy to go down and light a car on fire. Well, cops were there taking pictures with them.

Cops wearing those [ __ ] hats. Those cops there's photos of cops with pink hats with with ears like kitty cat hats. You ever seen those? No. Isn't it amazing like one comment the guy makes on a bus with Billy Bush like grabbing them by the [ __ ] and that literally spawns a march. I'll tell you what's even more amazing is that those hats are all going to be thrown out and end up at the bottom of the ocean. You know, a [ __ ] octopus is going to suffocate on one of them.

Look at these cops with the [ __ ] hats on. Yeah, stupid. Those are our protectors. They're serving and protecting right there with [ __ ] hats on. I I I'm anti-ribbon bands, all of that [ __ ] I just [ __ ] like can't you just say what the agenda is? Do we all have to dress in the same [ __ ] silly hat? Like It's a sign of solidarity. People love that though. I know. That's just the county comedian in me. No, I I'm with you.

I don't like it either. I think it's it's group think. How dare those people do what they like to do, Joe? I don't think they like to do it. They just like to just get together. It's just a big just refusal of admitting that this guy won some crazy popularity contest that we put on every couple of years. They should just get together with each other and they should create [ __ ] that makes money. That's what they should do. Make money? Make money and then they have to come to you.

It's like podcasts, right? No one give a [ __ ] what we were doing then all of a sudden we started making money. Then all of a sudden, hey, you want to read for Legal Zoom? That's how you do it. Well, they could definitely generate some money that way, right? I mean, there's a lot of [ __ ] people marching. You think about that there was 970,000 people. That's what Whitney Cummings told me in LA alone. They thought 80,000 people were coming. It was almost a million.

There was a million Where were they? downtown Oh, thank god. Thank god. It was a swarm of humanity. Oh, that's great. It's [ __ ] crazy. Yeah, go downtown. Thank god they didn't come to my [ __ ] neighborhood. When was the last time you we we saw a protest against the president like that though? Especially a new president. It's never. It's a new time. Like with the internet now they can they can organize these things quickly and get together. Yeah, I mean, I don't I don't know what to believe.

Like that whole picture of of Trump's inauguration versus Obama's inauguration. They put the photos side by side and I'm just supposed to automatically without any checks and balances be like, okay, that's what those photos are of. I'm supposed to believe that Bill Clinton was checking out Donald Trump's wife without seeing what he's looking at and then Hillary vaguely looking back in his direction. Vaguely. And people are are going through his soul. How could you tell she was turned around? Oh, we'll show you because we've watched it a thousand times in this podcast.

looking at. He says it. He says it, "Well, Ivanka." He says it. He literally says it. He moves his mouth. He goes, "Ivanka." Want to see it? Come on, we want to watch it together. Watch this. Look, look, look, look, go full screen, Jamie. Watch. "Ivanka." Go back, go back, go back. He says it. They replay it a couple times here. It's right here. Right here. Watch this. Look at her looking at him. She ain't vaguely looking back. She's peering through his soul as he stares at her.

Look at that Look at the look he gives her. She turns away immediately. Watch. "Ivanka." know what he's looking at. You don't know what's going on here. He's looking right at Ivanka. He says it. Go back to the beginning. Watch, watch, watch. The very beginning, the very beginning, Jamie, the very beginning. sending him to the chair on this. Jamie, you missed it. Go all the way to the very beginning, the the very beginning of the video. No, you already missed it. You already missed it cuz he says it.

beginning he's got this great thing there. Okay, here we go. "Ivanka." See that? see the "ka." Oh, I see it. I don't see it. "Ivanka." Well, what's the Let's Let's make up something for the Air Force guy. Let's see what the [ __ ] he's doing. "Ivanka." That guy in the sunglasses right there, he's he's jerking off. He's jerking off. That's why his head isn't moving. No, no, no. masturbating. You're You're denying that look she's giving him. Look at that [ __ ] look she's giving him.

She's staring And look at the shot when he shoots over at her and she takes a big deep breath. looking at and he stared her down and she [ __ ] looked away. He's the [ __ ] man of the relationship. Watch it again. Look. Yeah. And she she has her mouth open as she turns away like, "Oh, Jesus. Hi, everyone. I'm Ivanka Trump." She's like Tracy Lords sister in the '80s. He's got good looking kids. He does. He does. Amazing. She's good looking, too. She's amazing.

Hey, good for him. Good for him. And if Bill Clinton wants to vaguely look in the direction of of a beautiful woman off camera that none of us want to know and you want to convict him on what what He might have said, "IV." He might have been like [ __ ] like light-headed. I think he was growling. I don't know. With his mouth shut. You could not convict anybody And who's convicting on a court of law like you are. Nothing's illegal. Nothing's illegal. You are judging.

No, what he did was in a court of podcast humanity. I am judging him, for sure. You just sent him to the chair. But the podcast court is a lot like civil court, you know, like you criminal court, you need a lot more evidence. That's why everyone got off in criminal court. But I never understood that. He gets off when you need more evidence. Less evidence, he has to give away all his [ __ ] I'm not saying that That doesn't make any sense. No, it doesn't.

It doesn't. Why do you need more evidence? Either he did it or he didn't. You shouldn't be like acquitted, you didn't do it. Oh, now you got to give me your your trophies in your house. Yeah, what is that? And your [ __ ] tie tacks. How the [ __ ] does that work? How can they have a civil court where you have less evidence and that's where all your money goes. Like your freedom is worth more apparently. it works out because um or sort of worked out.

I think he moved to Florida to get around it or I don't know what the [ __ ] happened, but like cuz I think he did it. But what am I basing that on, you know? Yeah. Well, that's why he's still in jail. I I mean, he's in jail for a very innocuous crime, trying to get his own [ __ ] back with a guy in the room that had a gun. The guy didn't even brandish the gun. He tried to get his [ __ ] back, his stolen memorabilia.

on that and and they they made they [ __ ] up by uh they made some threat that then it made it kidnapping and they did they did all these little [ __ ] things. And he killed, you know, he killed two white people, so That's the big one. the white courts got him years later. Yeah. That's the big one. That's what it really was. I mean, it's complete [ __ ] Cuz the reality is if he didn't kill those [ __ ] two people, at least where people didn't think that he killed those [ __ ] two people, if he did that, I mean they they he was OJ.

They And he was still on [ __ ] NFL today or whatever like he probably would have been, you know, in and out and that would have been it. He might not even done any time. They They might have like sided with him because these people were stealing his stuff. He would have agreed to do his couple of signings at a [ __ ] Caesars. He'd sign some footballs and some helmets and it would have been over. It would have been over. That would have been it.

He would have gone to the Venetian where they have the boat rides and Oh, yeah. OJ Simpson Take a ride. Yeah, OJ. Yeah. That's a weird one though. Like everybody's happy about it. anything. He's just taking pictures and doing boat rides. Yeah, no signing, folks. No signings. He'll take pictures though. Can't use your camera. It'll be up online, caesars.com. Yeah, that'll be it. Yep. Yeah. Don't touch him, just stand next to him. That's a weird case, right? Cuz that's a case where we know that that's not why he's in jail, but we're all happy.

Um Well, I mean, I I don't I don't know how I feel about all that [ __ ] I mean, I think he got acquitted. He did it. He wrote a book about it. Remember that? If I did it I want to tell you or something. Yeah, I think it was called If I Did It. Like If I Did It, This Is How I Would Do It. Yeah. Um Yeah. Whatever happened to that book? That book never got published, right? Like no publisher wanted to They They original originally had a a publishing deal, but then the difference about all This is why I I that that rubs me the wrong way that he's in jail is because of all those [ __ ] white dudes that did all that [ __ ] like blowing up churches with black people in it like back in the '60s.

They would literally be sitting there laughing during the trial and they would get totally acquitted and then black people weren't allowed to come along and take their [ __ ] four-wheelers and their hillbilly [ __ ] their stills afterwards in like a civil court. They just completely got away with That's why it it still seems kind of [ __ ] up. It's for sale, but they changed the uh a judge awarded the Goldman family the rights to the book, so they get the publishing. Oh, so you can buy it?

Yeah, so it says it's by Fred and Kim Goldman, but it's not They didn't write it. Oh, and what they did Oh, they took away if. No, they they put the if uh I forget how I did it cuz I just saw a thing on The if is written in red letters inside the I. Oh, wow. There it is. That right there. It says if. Oh, that's crazy. And it's written blood red. Wow. Well, what what what cases are you talking about a guy's blown up?

I mean, obviously, there were some horrendous civil rights violations that took place in the '60s and the '50s as well. And well, you know, all from from slavery on, from the 1860s forward. saying, yeah. And then the the table gets turned and this guy does it, but he has the money to get off, but then he still pays for it in a way. So, that's why it just it doesn't It still doesn't seem uh you know, it's good because, you know, he killed two people, so he's he's not out there, but it's it's I don't know.

It's a different crime though. I mean, what he did was uh a crime of passion against an ex-wife who happened to be with some other guy. Those other crimes are in a lot of ways more heinous cuz they're completely race related. If you go back to some of the lynchings and some of those horrific And those guys, you know, they got off. They [ __ ] took pictures. Yeah. You ever see those pho- Those are the some of the most scary photos. pho- Yeah, and kids smiling and they have evil in their [ __ ] eyes.

Yeah. And they have like evil in like the kids have like evil I remember uh Patrice would show me those photos and would point at the kids going, "Look at that girl, Bill. She's like probably 48 right now. Where the [ __ ] is she? What did she do for a living?" Yeah. And I was just like, wow. It's true, right? It's true. They're out there. Yep. Yeah. Well, when you think about how many people have actually gotten arrested for murder versus how many murders get just never solved, there's a it's a crazy number.

When Everybody looks at those [ __ ] TV shows about cops and, you know, most crimes get solved, but the reality of murders, I think it's like something like 70% go unsolved, something really nutty like that. Yeah, I talked to a cop about that one time and I won't say it over the air. It's [ __ ] brutal. Yeah. We We made say it over the air cuz it's that bad? Well, I just don't want to [ __ ] You might get searched or something. Yeah.

Give people the green light. Yeah. Oh, it's Yeah, cuz we tried to come up with the perfect murder, right? Me and this other guy DeRosa on this podcast and then we had this cop listen to listen to our our plans. Mine was the funniest cuz he goes, "All right, so me and a buddy" and he goes, "It's over." He goes, "You're already caught." He goes, "Once you involve somebody else" he goes, "somebody's going to get scared and uh they're going to cut a deal." He goes, "It was [ __ ] hilarious, dude.

I I got like literally" and I had worked this whole thing out and me and DeRosa were trying to top each other to see who which one was better and I got like It's like when you watch American Ninja Warrior and the person like stumbles on those first thing and goes right into the water. That's what happened. So, he told us basically how to get how to I guess, you know, the audio does exist, so he basically said if you have no priors and nobody [ __ ] knows, you know, you you've never done anything and if you if you were to do it just you're somebody you're just completely not even connected to.

Yeah, that's a buddy of mine who's a cop said the same thing. saw it. Like there's nothing like there's no way there's no because there's no rational connection to it, there's no trail to follow. Have you heard of this stuff that they're they're developing that's essentially micro cameras with GPS units that are the size smaller than a grain of rice, like literally like sand? And the idea is that eventually they're going to spread this [ __ ] everywhere and there will be cameras that record everything everywhere you go.

And it's just a matter of time. Like now, there's more cameras now today than they've ever been before, right? Phones and surveillance cameras and security cameras. That one right there. There's more cameras now than ever been before, but it's nothing compared to what they have potentially lined up for the future that they're going to have like grains of sand, cameras everywhere. Well, you just vacuum your house. Just scoop them up. I'm talking about out there in the street. Out in the street, I don't give a [ __ ] I just want you to [ __ ] show me jerking off.

You know? Can I have Can I at least have that? Jerk it Will there ever be a time where there's no privacy? That's the question. Will there be a time where there's zero privacy? Where it doesn't exist. But this is the thing. The reason why they're going to get away with it is cuz people are such [ __ ] voyeurs. Like the the more private it is, the less I want to see it cuz I always think like I wouldn't want someone to do that to me.

Right. So anytime there's like Ah god, I can't even think of an example. But there's just there's just been some [ __ ] Photos that got leaked where they got into their iCloud and they're like naked photos of I never look at those [ __ ] things. If if if somebody, you know, intercepts like a cell phone call, I don't listen to those things. I just I just think you're moral. If not, it feels gross. Yeah, good Well, good for you. You're moral. You're a moral person.

That's good. Yeah, and I mean I don't I don't I don't I wouldn't say I'm a moral person, but I just in that in that that instant maybe I am. You're definitely moral. I definitely say you're a moral person. You are. I mean, you're not you're not ridiculous. I mean, you're just a guy, but you have morals. You got to You get slightly annoyed at a gas station attendant and you're down on yourself for the rest of the day. I have a lot of work. I got a lot of work ahead of me.

You should get a punching bag. I I have a speed bag. That's not good enough. Yes, it is. No, because speed bags are just it's not real. Yes, it is. No, real is [ __ ] It exists and I hit it. It exists and I hit it and I enjoy it. I I bet you do. And it's good. I do enjoy it. And then I go and I play some drums and I enjoy that. I'm just I'm not degrading it, but I'm saying it's not good enough.

I thought you were very judgmental. I am. I told you something that I can hold in these beautiful hands of mine. You told me it wasn't real. But speed bags are [ __ ] weird. It's a weird position to even hold your hand. Have you seen hidden figures? I haven't. I heard it's good. The women got us on the moon or something, right? It'll break speed bags versus heavy bags down in a way that you've never you've never heard. Oh, beautiful. That's beautiful. Um no, heavy bag won't I mean sit there and [ __ ] up my hands and all that [ __ ] Yeah, it is cuz my technique will be [ __ ] up because I don't have the time, Joe, to go to the dojo like you have for 30 [ __ ] years and get it down.

And I'm going to go in there and I'm going to [ __ ] up my wrist. I'm I'm going to hit it with the wrong Well, yeah, watch a couple of YouTube. I know. You wrap your hands. You get a water bag. Get a water bag. Water bags are like literally like you're punching into water. It's heavy. It just goes The same water will be there forever. It's raining now. Got plenty of rain out here. The drought is now officially over. Now every douchebag out there is taking an extra long shower.

It's completely irresponsible. But they they You know what? They they stopped watering the median strip Yeah. on Sunset in in Beverly Hills. That was unsettling. I was like, "Wow, they're letting rich people's grass go [ __ ] brown. This is scary. This is getting real." Well, they had rules, right? Like you were only supposed to water your thing at night and you can only water it a certain amount of times a day like when it comes to your lawn. But they didn't have those rules with golf courses, did they?

Golf courses like especially private ones, they spend millions of millions of gallons of water every year just in LA. Yeah, I don't Do you golf? No. Good for you. I I don't It's so [ __ ] mind-numbingly boring. I can't get into a sport where there's nobody trying to stop me. And when they're just going Yeah, it's a game against yourself. Well, then I'm I'm going to forgive myself. That's all right, Bill. You'll get them the next hole. Like I don't give a [ __ ] It's so [ __ ] I respect it.

It's it's I don't I don't think it's a sport, but I think the the people that are the best at it are athletic. But I have seen I have the people that I have seen do it that I'm telling you if you threw a ball at them, they would tense up. They just don't have any athletic ability. They will get on a golf course and they can keep it on the course and they can shoot, you know, they can break a hundred. You know, I I just Oh, and the on the in the the [ __ ] pageantry of it.

All the [ __ ] clothes and the bags. The tweed And then you know what I don't like either is that I don't think there's ever been a [ __ ] sport cuz there's so many fat [ __ ] non-athletic people playing it. There has never been a sport that has adjusted the equipment. The ball, the [ __ ] the the clubs that you use to give you more distance to help you hit it straighter. It's like literally the only thing missing on a [ __ ] driver now is training wheels.

It's [ __ ] bro. They should just have it guide you back and then come come right through. That's true. Like baseball never went to aluminum bats. If they did, it would They did at the college level, but at the pro level they're just like, "No, man, you can't you can't do this." They but they but baseball when they when they were going through, you know, no one was watching it and it wasn't exciting, you know, they made the stadium smaller. They juiced up the ball.

People on roids, they looked the other way. Like, "What?" I didn't know that. And they just had these King Kong guys going up there just smashing them over the fence. And but I'm just saying like like I don't know. I like when guys got busted for corking the bat. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing to get in trouble for. Oh, they put cork inside the bat. Remember bats would break and they're like, "What's in your bat?" But that was always that was That's another one, too, I couldn't watch.

That's just so embarrassing. They quickly try to try to pick it up and just cover up the cork. Well, this is what you should do. Like if you're going to do that, like the entire time you're a pro, you should the bat boy should never have to deal with your [ __ ] You always got It's okay, Sonny. I got it. And they're like, "Look at me. He's so down to earth." So then when you finally get busted with your corked bat, when you go to pick it up, no one's going to look at like you're weird.

But the thing is these you know, these these Major League Baseball guys, they just [ __ ] drop the bat and some little 8-year-old scurries out and picks it up. So the second that you give a [ __ ] about that little 8-year-old like, "I think you've run enough there, Sonny boy." Like I think they realized that That's when the ump comes over. Well, you could see the cork, right? When it snaps? When those I mean, the the The average sports fan would be a, "Dude, I knew.

I said that a month ago." I can't Like the [ __ ] bat breaks, I have no idea. It's not until they pick it up and they start looking at it. And then the announcer literally tells me, "Ah, they're inspecting his bat. This could possibly be a cork situation." Then then I know. How much of a difference does it make to have cork in the bat? It's just it's just a competitive advantage. I mean, you still have to have the barrel of the bat meet the ball, which is so [ __ ] hard.

You still have to do that. But it could be the difference between going getting to the warning track and going over and hitting a home run or hitting the wall and and getting an you know, getting a ground rule double or something. That's only That's it? Just that little amount? That's it? Just gives it just a little little little push. No [ __ ] Sammy Sosa's downfall began 13 years ago today. That's Sammy Sosa got busted with cork? So what do they do? They drill a hole in the bat and they just hollow it out somehow or another?

What the [ __ ] going on that one? That picture you just showed. What's that? When they picked it up off the ground, there could have been some grass in it or some [ __ ] I don't know. So I didn't know. I thought there was like a they they drilled a hole. I'm trying to follow this down. It says if a bat has been corked, it transfers less energy to the ball, which makes sense kind of to me, but transfers less energy to the ball.

Huh. Well, that doesn't make any sense. Yeah, that doesn't make sense to me either. Although I have no physics background. don't you Well, it seems to me that it makes more sense that if a bat was solid, that does make sense. Like if a bat was solid, it's got more mass, so it transfers more. But you would be able to swing it faster if it was lighter, so you'd be able to get it still to the same speed. Oh, I thought it was cuz it was more of a spongy thing.

Yeah, that's what I thought, too. And you know what? And that's right cuz I think they drill from the top. Thank god you said that cuz there's probably a bunch of people screaming right now at their [ __ ] players going, "No, you [ __ ] It's lighter, you cunt." That's what it is. I always thought like they had it like up against the like flush with it. Dude, that doesn't make any sense. That doesn't Now that I think about that, that's like having a Nerf bat up there.

The [ __ ] bat would break. I thought it would like bounce more. Boink. For for your listeners, for the record, I said I had no physics background. You definitely don't. No, I don't. Yeah, I would think that it would it would hit harder, right? It's just so it's just a matter of it being faster. Probably yeah, your bat speed. Hmm, interesting. Which is why they swing when they're warming up, they swing all those other bats. They swing two bats. Right? You know why? Or they put a weight on the bat, they swing that.

Yeah, which allegedly helps. Some people say it doesn't help. Why don't you guys do that? Don't you guys like run with like like weighted vests on through the mountains? Yeah, it's bad for your joints, but some guys do it. The best way to do it is hiking. Hiking with weighted vests is okay, but running really not such a good idea. Especially There's a lot of guys that do it, though. They'll put a weighted vest on, they run on concrete. Just hard asses. Hey, who won that Tito Ortiz fight?

I saw that Tito won. He won? He choked him out. Yeah, it was a quick fight. He got caught in a guillotine early in the fight, but Cheil lost the guillotine. Tito got on top. Tito took his back. And he got like it was like sort of a rear naked choke, but more of like a face crush. He just Tito's just a gorilla. He just kind of And a lot of people thought it was a work. They thought it was fake. They thought it was a fake fight.

Oh, because he did it so easily? Well, it it looked fake because the choke wasn't in right, but it wasn't fake. He just kind of He He did what we call goon them. He gooned somebody. Like there's sometimes like you could just get someone's head and just crush it and you goon them. Whereas like the right technique The right technique is you go do Yeah, the right technique is you go under the chin, you wrap your head around the back of the neck, and that way that you can just get maximum leverage and it's perfect technique.

But He just sort of drove his lower jaw into the back of his head. If someone's eye sockets are like right there and I get their head and I'm fresh early in the fight because you're not even tired, and you just [ __ ] crush their head. You can goon somebody. There's a lot of guys have been gooned. You love that word, dude. Yeah, gooning. It's a jujitsu word. Like there's there's certain techniques you do like what's funny is it just totally defines what it like I the second he says like I know what that is.

He just had no respect for my style, walked through all my [ __ ] kicks and hits and just [ __ ] you know, grab my nostril. All right, all right, all right, you know, whatever. Do you watch Game of Thrones? Um I stopped My wife would just would refuse to get into it. So uh you know Do you remember the mountain? I just I didn't watch it. grabbed that guy's head and crushed it. He gooned him. He grabbed his head and he just smashed his head with his hands.

The only one I saw was when that little [ __ ] king you know, didn't like this song this guy sang and he [ __ ] goes, all right, rip his tongue out. Yeah. And I was just like what like who the [ __ ] would listen to this little [ __ ] Did this guy see he slips the guy gets on top of him, grabs him and he just [ __ ] goons him. He grabs his head and he [ __ ] goons him. Boom.

Smash. What the [ __ ] That guy is [ __ ] gigantic, too. Look, she's upset. Meanwhile, the other guy was killing her. I love what I love is they were watching a fight to the death, but they've never seen it done like that. So there's there's always that level of gross out. It's like working your way through porn. Yeah. Where you just start up with the basic [ __ ] and all of a sudden you just go into darker and darker rooms. That's the same thing when you watch watching people's [ __ ] get hurt.

Yeah. Right? Like torturing someone to death is more terrifying to people than just shooting them from a distance as a sniper. Yeah, you could like watch that. Yeah. People who [ __ ] like the the fact that human beings understand pain and then they inflict it like slowly on other people is is the most [ __ ] like animalistic part like every time I hear that [ __ ] that people get literally torture another human being. Like how you go home at the end of the day thinking you did something good is just [ __ ] out of I don't know.

get information out of people, Bill Burr. There's some people out there that know things. You got to find out what they know and the best way to do it is to cut their fingers off. Well, haven't they proved that when you start to cut just to tell someone to cut your finger off, they will tell you whatever the [ __ ] you want? Yeah, but some sometimes they won't. Sometimes they'll tell you some fake [ __ ] And you like How many fingers do you think you're getting the real stuff?

Probably nine. Probably nine and They think about that last finger that they need to open up their iPhone. Like, all right. Or just open up the refrigerator drawer. I'll tell you. Drawer with one finger. I want to still be able to finger somebody. What can you do? Yeah, I I just I don't know. I mean, it's a look What what What are war crimes? How about that? How about you know, you're not allowed to do certain things, you're not allowed to gas people, but you're allowed to drop a nuclear bomb on them.

Are you allowed to do that? It's it's it shouldn't be you should like war at this point it shouldn't be legal. War should be illegal. So what do you do when someone attacks? Just give them your [ __ ] I'm I'm just saying that that we should be progressed enough. Right. We should be. Yeah. I'm saying common people. Common people. Right. I do we're not exactly civilized. Um I don't think anybody I think going to war is not a civil [ __ ] thought. It's just it would be great if everybody cuz you need regular people to do it.

So if everybody was just like, yeah, we're not doing it. If you rich guys want to go to war, you guys go fight each other to death, but we'll [ __ ] watch it on That would be the ultimate, but no, but there's a complete lack of trust with with you know you know, different countries, different cultures, different races and all that. But if you could somehow get everybody on the same page to be just like, yeah, you know, we're we're not doing that anymore. So you guys find out a different way to [ __ ] take over the world or something that that, you know, but you know, that that could never happen.

You you can't I mean, Jesus Christ. You ever watch The Apprentice and you watch them try to [ __ ] get uh you know, Vince Neil and the Culture Club guy, they can't even get on the same page. Celebrity Apprentice? I didn't watch it. They Yeah, they can't get on the same [ __ ] page to write a song. So there's no way you're ever going to end war right there. They asked me to do that show, Celebrity Apprentice, back when Fear Factor came back years ago and I was thinking about doing it and I'm so glad I didn't do it now cuz what if like me and Trump didn't get along?

What if he thought I was a [ __ ] and now he became president? I was like, [ __ ] Now I'm [ __ ] enemies with the president. Imagine that. Like like Rosie O'Donnell right now, she probably barely leaves her house. She's probably sitting at home going, [ __ ] think you're going to get audited or something? used to [ __ ] on him constantly and then he started [ __ ] on her and they would go to war with each other. She was on The View and she would [ __ ] on him and make fun of his hair and make fun of him and make fun of his life and his family and Right.

And then he became [ __ ] president. And then in the debates, he was mocking her in the debates. Like they she was cuz Clinton said something about the things that he says about women, which I always have a real [ __ ] problem with. You know, because she was like, you know, you've called women this and you've called women that. Like, okay, he's called people that and some of those people happened to be women. He's also called men that. And you know, that's one of the things that he said.

one of the things that he said when he said she's a nasty woman, why they latched on like he was attacking all She is a woman and he's saying that she's nasty. If he said he's a nasty man or he's not a good man or or whatever like Exactly. Exactly. It's but it became this thing where women like you're not supposed to mock women, make fun of women. Like, are we equal or are we not? Cuz if we're equal, I should be able to [ __ ] on you the way I [ __ ] on everybody if I don't like your character.

what was a bad move? Was that that T-shirt that was the future is feminine. What's that? There was just this thing that these women were wearing it when I went down to go vote. And it's just like you are so [ __ ] You're making people not want to vote for Clinton. Yes, because it should be the future is like some sort of unity. Right. And what you're doing is like, oh, the future is we're going to [ __ ] now do to you what we've been complaining about.

We're just going to be So then right then you lose any sort of um feeling of like, oh, this person's a victim or like this person's a good person. So they're like, oh, what you are is a complete [ __ ] psycho who just hasn't got to sit at the controls yet. Exactly. you want to be that and then you're going to now you're going to ram it down everybody's throats and it's just like there needs to be it's why I can't watch CNN or Fox because there's I can't just sit there and listen.

I mean, as much as I rant and rave, which is [ __ ] pretty ironic. I can't sit there and listen to people uh screaming and yelling at each other cuz they don't want to come together, they don't want to find what's right, they just want to win. They have a side. Yeah. They have a side and they don't look at the other side. Yeah, I I wear a red tie, so I argue the red tie [ __ ] You got a blue tie, so you argue that it's it's [ __ ] childish.

#imwithher Yeah, the I'm with her thing was driving me [ __ ] crazy, too. Like, what do you mean you're with her? Like is just her? Is it about a woman or is it about who's the right person to run the [ __ ] country? It's cuz it's not her. Do you see you like are you voting Democratic? Are you And I thought those [ __ ] you know, CNN, you know, you see that they you know, they kind of [ __ ] boxed out Bernie Sanders and that they might It was almost like a fight and he might have been a better match up.

Who knows? He was a way better match up. He was he wasn't compromised. Like if you want to talk about someone who's financially compromised, he wasn't compromised. He was like maybe the only guy ever running for president that wasn't completely tied into the financial system. always find [ __ ] on you. Be like, well, you know, he was absent this, he didn't vote for that. I love when they try to get him on like they didn't vote for this or they didn't vote for that and it's just like, well, what was [ __ ] attached to it?

And I don't get why that's legal. Where it's like, hey, you want clean drinking water for children? And it's like, he voted no against that and then you see like what is what is attached to it is is like, oh, yeah, they're going to start fracking next to a [ __ ] you know Exactly. Yeah. hospital or whatever. I don't know. The the CNN Fox divide the the left and the right divide has never been greater in this country than right now. There's no one objective news source.

There's not one source that just tells you what's going on and doesn't do it from a biased perspective. But I think but I think that divide only exists between the people that watch that [ __ ] It's kind of like people like, do you watch the UFC? Do you not watch the UFC? If you watch the UFC, you're [ __ ] into the [ __ ] And I think there's just news junkies out there that just mainline that [ __ ] and they're the ones that where that divide is like that.

But someone like myself, like I I can I can listen to somebody. I try to anyways. Like whatever your point of view is, I I try to listen to it cuz I I try to keep that [ __ ] out of my head because they gives me anxiety. I can't [ __ ] watch it. I can't watch it. My mother uh uh was watching last time I went home, my mother was watching this this kids things. We got like little nephews and nieces and I literally couldn't even get through the [ __ ] kids movie cuz towards the end they just kept putting these obstacles in the [ __ ] anxiety.

It just built in me. I'm not built like that. I can't handle it. Just literally watching a kids movie. Watching this thing going like, can you just get him to the end where he gets the [ __ ] thing and you roll the credits and it's fine? Can you stop having like, you know, oh, and then the little robot almost falls into the trash bin? I know he's not going to, but I just I can't even handle that. Like so there's no [ __ ] way I'm going to sit there and watch the news.

I hope that people like you are the future. I I hope that this we realize that this [ __ ] left versus right thing is stupid. But people love to be on a team. They love it. They love to be on our side is winning and your side can go [ __ ] themselves and they love to win. We won. How many people do you just see on Twitter? There's like, we won. Get over it. We won. I saw a lot of that. A lot of we won.

Yeah. The left can't handle it. We won. MAGA What does MAGA mean? Make America great again. Oh. #MAGA Hey, you know, people have a right to tweet. What are you going to do? Oh yeah, they definitely do. It's interesting. We're working it out. I think we're working it out as a civilization. That's what I think. I had a little bit of faith till you came in with the cameras and the grains of sand. That's future. It's going to take some time. That's going to take about 50 years.

I'm going to buy a [ __ ] leaf blower. Just walk around and just [ __ ] walking down the street with the thing. Blowing but meanwhile they'll have video footage of you cuz you you won't be able to get all the grains. They'll be everywhere. They'll literally be covering the surface of the of this planet like dirt. Little little tiny cameras got to be a thing that I I always thought like I don't know if I I read about this cuz like always late night I [ __ ] go on the internet as I fall asleep.

So I can't remember if this is my idea or somebody came up with it. It would be really cool for like say if you're like at some level of celebrity where everybody's always taking a picture of you. If you had could wear a suit that anticipated the camera flash and as their cameras flashed you would flash back at them and then they couldn't get anything. And then you could just sit there eating your soup as everybody's taking pictures of you and they would all go back to the developing room or whatever the [ __ ] they do looking at their cameras and not understand what was going on.

It'd just be like a UFO landing in front of them. Yeah, there has to be a way like I like I feel like future money is in countering all that. There is anti-paparazzi clothes. It's a blazer and it's reflective and it's got up with that. You're seen, not captured. How does it 3M reflection stuff that's on like a lot of shoes and some other clothes have to do is turn their flash off though. Well, yeah, but then it's in the dark and you can't see the people which is the opposite reason of taking the photo.

But does it work? Yeah. I'll show I'll get a better photo. This was just an article. Here's Here's some of the photos. I knew I was too dumb to come up with that. So they're wearing hoods. Like that. That stop Uh-huh. You won't be able to see their face or anything. You can just see the clothes. Hmm. Which is not really what the reason they want to take your photo. Hmm. that. I mean it probably can't work but yeah. I mean there might be a reason way to get around it like for but for now That squish.

Well, those new those new cameras that they have now are so good on camera phones are so good in low light. You don't even need that anymore. You just take a photo of it. I mean they can capture incredible images in pretty low light with the iPhone 7. All those like TMZ guys aren't using iPhone. Of course. for a reason. Oh, okay. Right. I don't know. Strange times comes to privacy. Slowly but surely it's all going away. We're taking callers. Where you going to move, Bill?

The mountains. No, no, no. I'm I'm I'm not fighting any of this [ __ ] I'm just you know Just going to hang out? I just look at it disappointed. What Why why why do we have to do this? Come on, guys. Let's just go back to playing checkers and whittling wood. It's not going to happen. We're going to keep going forward. I'm a little nervous about it. Let's get out of this. Come on. I got the rest of the day ahead of me, man. I can't go down this rabbit hole.

It's all good. You're going to be fine. Well, especially now you have a little tiny baby that just happened. jokes to her. Oh yeah, she's the best. She's the best. So um What's her future going to be like when it comes to this [ __ ] That's what's bizarre. Like what are our kids going to have to deal with 50 years from now? Like what kind of bizarre integration it. They'll deal with it and they'll find their fun and they'll be happy and uh and we'll be gone.

So try not to be a [ __ ] I don't know what to tell you. All I know is I got a special coming out. Let's Let's spin it around. Bill Burr it's out right now. That's like special. It's out right now and um I'm very proud of it and uh I like the look of it, the whole thing. I like the jokes that I did on it. I hope people feel the same way uh because I'd like to continue my privileged life here. And this one's black and white.

No, the last one's black and white. This one's color rather. Right? Yeah. Each one each one I do I have a look that I'm going for. Uh the same way I try to improve as a comedian each time there's a little bit of a different thing and um you know, I I've always felt you know that we went through this horrible period of stand-up specials where they they didn't it was just a complete lack of respect for the art form. This is amazing thing that one guy or woman can go out there and just talk into a microphone and people will [ __ ] listen to it for like you know I don't know an hour or so and they just started shooting it.

Everybody's looked the same and all of that stuff. do for this look? Uh well, I'm not going to do all my give you all my tricks. But what I was going I what I was going for in this one although that's a shitty image of it on this thing but um there was a few concert films that I like the look of. Like I always try to [ __ ] with the HDT HD a little bit because it's just it's clearer than real life. So I try to like tone it down a little bit.

So you gave yourself like a little Instagram filter. Um yeah, I guess you could say that. Not like a Snapchat thing. Just making it not look like a I'm standing in a tropical fish tank and a clown fish is going to swim. But it's just like when you look at HD it's just like [ __ ] like oh my god, look how [ __ ] white that t-shirt is and you get like distracted. Where and and I think it makes it not look real. Whereas if you look at um if you look at like I don't know, just something like I would look at old concert films.

I look at old stand-up and be like why does this look like this really happened? And why does all this [ __ ] now look so fake? And a lot of it was it was it was just too [ __ ] clear and it was also like edit edit edit edit edit as it was going through and it makes your brain reset and it you're rather than drawing people in you're giving them like like a an epileptic episode. I did my last special almost entirely from the waist up with no edits.

Very few edits. The only time I edited is when I wanted to show a side shot or when I wanted to show like my whole body. That's it. I tried to do it where you're right in front of me just watching just like you would if you're sitting in the crowd at a comedy show. And they wanted to you know, they always want to like show the audience. They always want to show this and cut back and forth. I'm like every time you do that you make a person realize that they're watching a film.

No, their brain resets too. Yeah. Yeah. So you would just draw them in. They were into your [ __ ] Like when somebody watches you do a show you're not all of a sudden up in the balcony or turning around or swooping in. You got to have a little bit of that cuz it does have to be like you know, sort of like a concert film but like um it's all how you uh you you pick those. I Yeah. Now when you're doing stand-up and you're also doing F is for Family like you know, we had this conversation the other day at the store where you're talking about how it just kind of swoops in and takes all your time.

Mhm. You know, like Yeah, during those yeah, the the heavy writing part of it, yeah. And how much how much time do you spend doing that show F is for Family which by the way is [ __ ] awesome. I love that show. It's hilarious. How many episodes do you do at a time? Well, this time we did 10. They gave us six the first uh season. They gave us six cuz I think they were like what the [ __ ] do you guys want to do?

And then they saw it and then they they liked it and uh that's what I'm guessing cuz it was a weird order. It was like a half order. So now um now we're doing 10. Um so that comes out in May. I just realized the math didn't work out on that cuz they gave me six and I said it was a half order. But they used to do 12 but then they whittled everybody down to 10. So Hmm. Now like when you write that how far in advance do you start before you like cuz it takes a while to put it together and to film it we're we're mapping out the uh the third if we get a third season cuz it's you know, it's kind of weird like you just kind of put it all out at once.

So we have to see. Hopefully the people that watched it the first time come back again and then more people come but uh as far as how that works is like you you really like it's it's the war room be to do a season is you map out the season and you really have to like um work all the bugs out of it and and that's the time when you're like are we going to go big here? Are we going to have this more grounded? Is this going to happen?

Is that going to happen? And you really work out the big emotional moments in the story lines before you get in there. So you can um because as you start to write and there's 10 people in the room and the ideas are flowing it's you can kind of veer off which can be a good thing. It's not like it's set in stone like this is what we're writing. But like you just sort of know like you know, we're going from okay, from point A to point B then B to C and then how you get there is sort of the art of writing it but like you just want to make sure that um all of a sudden you don't go to A over to C and then blah blah blah.

Oh, we forgot B. We got to go back to this. How do we correct all of this? Um depending on the type of show that you do you know, like ours I like to try to keep like it ground in a certain level of reality but also take advantage that it is animation so you can get a little absurd but like um and it's just like a balance of that. It's like a [ __ ] recipe. Like all right, there's too much salt here. We got to we got to do a little bit more of this.

So um this is the first time I've I've gone this far um with anything. So now I learned a lot in this second season about that. So we're really hammering out this this third season and uh you know, I don't know. But I'm I'm a total newbie at this [ __ ] Had you ever written anything before like that? Um No, I think I actually could be a decent writer. I'm just I just don't want to do it cuz it's so much [ __ ] work.

I just I just don't want to just sit down write this whole [ __ ] thing send it to a studio and then be like change this, change that, do this but blah blah go all the way back to the beginning. Yeah. Like you know, I think if I was more if if I didn't have like and then cuz I always have to think in my head is like all right, I could just go do a [ __ ] stand-up gig and do it in time and it's done and Yeah.

I have money for my [ __ ] ham sandwiches for a month. Like why do I want to because I how hard writers work it like it's [ __ ] unbelievable. Like the level that how hard that those people work versus like the [ __ ] credit that they get and [ __ ] So I have a I have such a level of respect that like you know, I talked to some people and they're like hey you want to write like a movie script or something like that which I I guess I know I could do it but it's just like I'm going to write a movie script and do efforts for family and [ __ ] do stand-up and try to have my special be better than my last special.

That alone is going to take up so much time and then now I'm going to be you know married to be a dad. There's like only so many [ __ ] hours in the day and then when would I get to play drums, right? So do I want to [ __ ] also add that? And if you don't play drums and you start going a little wacky. Yeah. And then I'll be a dick around my wife and kids. So Yeah. I've I'm I'm not way with martial arts.

If I don't do something some kind of work out like I like if someone says well just don't work out for a few weeks. That's not even on the menu. I can't do it. It's almost like I have to brush my teeth. I have to work out. I have to maintain a balance. If I don't have that balance I'm I don't like me. I it's weird cuz it's just a hobby but I'm literally obsessed with it. I've watched [ __ ] I watch all these drum videos drum covers.

I watch all these about it all the time. You're you're you're balls deep. Yeah. Yeah. But it's it's like I think people need things like that. hard. It's fun. It's a fun thing to do. And yeah, it keeps me it's like something you got to have something you're looking forward to. As hard as you're as hard as you're working. Like I got some road gigs coming up and I am so [ __ ] excited to get because I right after I did that special I think I I did Comics Come Home for Larry and that's about the only road I haven't been to LAX since like November which is crazy for me.

Wow. So I'm like chomping at the bit to get out there and like last night I tried to do an hour man. I was just like oh god. I just like with all the new [ __ ] it was Where where'd you go last night? I was down Largo. Going to be at the Ice House Friday night. Um You're at the Ice House tomorrow too with me. Yeah, yeah. I'll be down there and um I just got to uh The Ice House is the best. I know all the the points I want to talk about and uh so I just have to start talking about them.

So I I have to go out there. So I'm going out and doing some club dates and uh you know, I'm bringing some really funny guys in front of me. Who are you bringing? Uh Paul Virzi, Joe Bartnick. Who else? I got I got Dean Delray up in when I we do San Jose and um you know, I'm just I I don't I I'm I'm the whole thing was waiting for the kid to come and then she showed up and now that that's done now it's just like you know, I got to get out there dude.

I got to get out there. theater gigs? Are you doing club gigs? No, I'm just doing clubs. When I'm working out an hour I mean I have to talk in front of an hour but I'm not going to make people deal with all of that [ __ ] Right. to watch me work some [ __ ] out. going San Jose? You doing the improv? Yeah. That's a great club. Yeah, so I'm going to do like a like a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. It's sort of an off night kind of thing, you know.

And you know, I always feel like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday people are more forgiving. You go out Friday, Saturday people like I want a show, right? So I'm doing a lot of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesdays. I've I've told people that I'm working my [ __ ] out, you know. Ticket prices, you know, aren't that bad and and uh um yeah and I'm It's fun to see too. I love watching people work [ __ ] out. Yeah. But I'm I'm I I I'm not one of those people that like is working to get off the road.

I [ __ ] love the road. I love doing the road and like you know, I go to games and [ __ ] Like I'm going to go to Carolina Duke game when I'm out there which is [ __ ] legendary [ __ ] Like that's just like uh um one of the that's like a bucket list sporting event whatever sport you're into is to go there and just experience like that level of passion and hysteria for college basketball. I mean it's like you know, it's an overused word but it is a basketball Mecca.

So that's part of your fun for the road. You see like a day game then at night you do the gig. Yeah and when as far as like drumming like there's there's like rehearsal spaces that I know of that I just and it's the [ __ ] because I'm I'm you know, I'm not in town so I don't have any responsibility and I just go in with my iPhone and my all my music put the [ __ ] headphones on and just [ __ ] go nuts for like two hours.

It's like rather than I guess doing the treadmill which I probably should do more of but I just do that and it's it's the greatest thing ever. So like I'll ask you know, if I go to some place and they have enough time, you know, I'll ask people my podcast hey if you know of a good rehearsal space cuz there's good ones and bad ones, you know. The [ __ ] worst ones is you go there and the drum kits they're not [ __ ] tuned.

They got old heads and then everything's been over torqued and you got to like [ __ ] take the sticks to try to get them you know, they get all frozen up. Don't you think that a lot of people that that get bummed out about the road is cuz they have to do the road. Like one of the beautiful things about you don't have to do the road. You like to do the road. Like I remember one of the things that used to really bum me out when I would do clubs they would tell me that Richard Jeni was just in town.

He [ __ ] hated he hates being on the road. He was grumpy. He just hated hated doing stand-up cuz he always wanted to have a sitcom. He always wanted to be like the next Seinfeld. It didn't happen for him so he was miserable. But meanwhile to me he was like one of my idols. I was like this guy's like one of the greatest comics ever and he doesn't like doing it. Like this is all I wanted to do. I'd show up at a club and I'd be like I can't believe I'm headlining.

I'm here. I'm doing it. And they'd say yeah, Richard's so nice that someone's actually having a good time. Richard Jeni was here last week. He was so bummed out. you never know that let scuttlebutt in the club. He could have just been in a bad mood was a [ __ ] that week so every then all of a sudden that like you know, the fact that he's not here to defend whether whether he liked I mean the the level that that guy wrote in the specials that he wrote he had to have enjoyed it.

He enjoyed some of it but I was friends with his his ex-girlfriend and she was telling me that that was really the case. He just didn't really trying to hoping that that you wouldn't have confirmed that. Yeah, I know. Well, I think back then that was the carrot though. The carrot was always the sitcom. It was like that was what everybody went for and if you didn't get that you felt bummed out. Whereas somewhere along the line we realized that's not necessarily true. You're better off without the sitcom.

You're better off just being a big name stand-up comic and having a good time. You write your own [ __ ] You don't have to deal with producers. But when he came up you had to be given a special. You couldn't just do it. And then also the network money was crazy and if you could get to syndication you were you were set for life. And this syndication [ __ ] now like with Netflix there is no syndication. It's just it's automatically syndicated. Well, I was on two shows that went to syndication.

It's not the same. It's not what everybody thinks it is. Like if you're one of the owners of the show it's big time. But like I was NewsRadio's in syndication. I mean I got Don't get me wrong. I got a lot of money from it but it wasn't like But it goes down but it goes down to like $7 checks really quickly. Like however that [ __ ] math works out. I had a thing with my my buddies uh like you just take pictures of residual checks like trying to beat each other and two of my friends got the one cent They got one cent?

Within a month. Jeez. think that exists cuz I I got a lot of like dollar 17 um you know, I I I got a friend of mine. I'm not going to say the name of the [ __ ] movie but like it's a big time [ __ ] movie and everybody loves it and and they showed it one time on a network for 24 hours straight and he got played for one play. Cuz they go well, it was just one day but they sold advertising for 24 [ __ ] hours.

do that? Because they just do it and then they sit back and wait for you to sue them. And are you going to go is this going to be worth it to you to go through that so like only probably 20 bucks anyway. Well, what I've learned unfortunately it's just like the number one commandment of the 10 commandments that the number one that's broken I think is stealing. It's just and it as far as stealing is you basically have the illegal side of stealing and the legal side of stealing.

So any smart criminal is trying to legit make his business legit. So he doesn't have to hide his [ __ ] money anymore but he can continue to just rob people [ __ ] blind cuz that's basically what happens is everybody just like I mean some of the deals that I've signed like for for [ __ ] like it okay if you audit us but we're only off by like 3% then you have to pay for the audit. And it's like you literally just built into this deal a license to steal.

3% plus what I have to catch you with. So you to steal nine to basically skim like whatever 9% off of this [ __ ] thing. And they and they go to sleep at night and they feel they're good people and they don't give a [ __ ] that they're driving a car that you know, a bunch of other people paid for and and they took the money. They don't give a [ __ ] Yeah, legal loopholes. Legal loopholes and fine print. Yeah, it's it's a dirty world.

It's a dirty world out there. as far as Trump like not reporting his taxes and all that type of [ __ ] It's like you can only get so mad where it's like all right. So because he figured out the game where he's kind of like well, I'm just robbing from thieves. Right. Like that whole [ __ ] bull like politicians are so underpaid. They need all these guys money to get in there and then when they get in there they got to hook them up.

And they give them these governmental contracts and the fact that they're allowed to just [ __ ] overcharge like the level they do is just this stealing. So you're giving you like like I have no problem playing paying taxes. What [ __ ] drives me up the wall is knowing that like the amount of money like say you give them [ __ ] 50 grand. Like the amount of of that money that's actually going to go for the supplies to make a school better to fill like a [ __ ] pothole and then the amount that's just going to go into this guy's I I want a shiny watch.

My wife needs fake tits fund on the side. That's what eats me up at night. Cuz I I you know You know Did you see what Trump did where he's filed for re-election 5 hours after he took office? No one's ever done that before. Everybody files for re-election like a year out from the re-election. He filed for re-election 5 hours after office. That means when anybody addresses him in any sort of a campaign ad, they have to address him as if they're running against him. To anything you Cuz he's already running for president again.

He's running for president in 2008. So he's essentially changed the way they have to address him. say Mr. President? No, I don't know how it works. But Mr. President President? Pull it up and we'll be able to figure out what it what it means. Figure out what that Hey, the guy he's organized. Say what you want about him, the man is organized. Oh, he's definitely organized. He's mean He's been just juking and [ __ ] shucking and jiving in business for a long [ __ ] time.

You know, and he knows how to get his name on things. You know, I mean, everywhere you go, there's some giant building that's gold and it says Trump on it. Yeah, I think we're going to be all right. We'll be all right, you know. so? Well, yeah. I mean, if he's going to the amount of people he's already [ __ ] annoyed, you figure the midterm elections come 2 years in. He's got his [ __ ] where he's going to sprint for [ __ ] 2 years.

And then I think everybody else is just going to vote for [ __ ] blue ties and blue bras in the [ __ ] next one, right? And you think so? Yes. I mean, that's what always happens. After [ __ ] 8 years of Clinton Right. then it went red. And then 8 years of Bush. This will make it better. Let's go over to Obama. And after 8 years of Obama, let's go back over to [ __ ] Let's go back over to the red side.

I think we would like to see someone who is more in the middle of things, though. We would really like to see someone who has more maybe libertarian values or someone who's more just not clearly right or clearly left. Somebody a little more like secure. His insecurity is what scares me the most. Like Like tweeting? No, that that [ __ ] he said about his daughter. And everybody Oh, that was some weird sexual thing. Like he's so [ __ ] insecure that people are going to think his daughter is not good-looking that he he says what he wants people to say.

And he wasn't thinking like context. Mhm. Oh, yeah, I'd ate her. Oh, she's the greatest ever in the world. Like everything he says, it's it's like the same cadence. It's the same three things. Like he gets like he [ __ ] has time to watch SNL. Right. Or or like or see if if somebody like Oh, no, awards show. Like why are you watching the Golden Globes? Right. you give a [ __ ] what what Meryl Streep says? Phoebe who gives a [ __ ] says?

Yeah. You're the leader of the free world, man. [ __ ] Not good enough. Yeah, look out to the ocean and see what's coming at us, man. He wants to be loved across the board by everybody. Yeah, I I don't know what it is. It's we're here and what's funny is is but I find him fascinating as far as like the way he if you want to be loved to be hate to behave the way he does. Yeah. And uh you know, really just have that uh you know, my way or the highway.

Just ram it down your throat. Shut the [ __ ] up. It's just this weird You know, it's weird it's weird that you could have that personality and still want to be liked. It's just like It's like dude, do you enjoy being treated like that? Then then why would you treat other people um this way? I don't know. He I don't know. His His a ram it down their throat. His approach is a uh You know like those stupid Hollywood movies where somebody grabs a 2x4.

We're going to clean this town up. Like it's just like he's going to hurt a lot of people because there's a lot of innocent people are going to get caught up in the wash of a very simplistic solution to a huge problem. Well, let's get rid of all of them, you know? Like um I don't know. But I'm just a comedian. I don't have the [ __ ] answers. I just wish like I I I don't know. What is this Jamie, what are you pulling up here?

This is about why the things that are brought up when filing early. So there's different things. A candidate for president is subject to different rules than a president is afforded different protections. This uh has critics on edge and already existing concerns about Trump's business entanglements are now heightened by fears that US nationals could fund funnel cash to Trump through his campaign committee. Trump's status as a candidate could also make it difficult for nonprofit organizations to take actions for or against Trump and his administration's policies. Tax exemption organizations have leeway for political action have more leeway for political action than other nonprofits, but are still prohibited from certain political actions leading some to worry that Trump's filings could be a tactic to reduce opposition.

Mhm. Yeah, which cuz that's legal, that's a great move. It doesn't Considering what he's done so far, it doesn't make you feel comfortable. Uh I don't know. But we'll survive it. We'll survive it. Anyways, what do you do? This is too [ __ ] depressing. I just Can't you just have somebody [ __ ] level-headed Who did you want to win? Oh god, I liked Bernie Sanders, but I I didn't like um I didn't like his entire demonization of anybody who had money was automatic. It just was just so simple.

And then everybody who was broke was a [ __ ] hero. I mean, it just It was just cartoon. Like people are way more complex than that. Yeah. And uh I don't know, dude. It's It To be honest with you, it's too [ __ ] big. I just knew that I I didn't I didn't like Hillary or I didn't like Trump. And I was praying to God that those weren't going to be my two It was just like two trains [ __ ] on the same track.

Just going, "Please, don't be these Don't leave me with these two. Could you just [ __ ] not?" What did you not like about Hillary? I just I just didn't think she was uh I just I didn't trust her. I just thought she was a big-time phony. And I just felt like she would just [ __ ] do or say I didn't like the [ __ ] 2008 that she blew the bankers. Don't worry, I got you guys. Just completely doesn't give a [ __ ] about all the people that are upside down in their houses.

And then has the nerve to act like she's the the people's candidate, which is really a sticking point with me with Democrats. Is they [ __ ] sit there and they act like they're men and women of the people. It's like you guys are all filthy stinking rich, too. And you guys all end up being multimillionaires. And the bit most highest paying [ __ ] job you can get is the president, which pays 500 grand a [ __ ] year. Okay? And so you're over 250 grand a year, which means you're going to get the [ __ ] taxed out of you.

So how the [ __ ] did you end up being worth 40, 50, 100 million dollars? There's no way what you're doing is above board. Every politician crushes it in the private sector. It's insane. They Everyone goes [ __ ] yard. Nobody starts a business and it shits the bed. Like they they say the the percentage of senators and they make like I don't know, like 200 grand a year or something. I forget what it is. And uh the the amount of them that are multimillionaires.

Yeah, the most disturbing thing is public speaking. When you find out that she's speaking for the bankers and she's doing these $250,000 hour-long speeches. And they're they're washing their bribe money. It's the people that paid you to get in there. You did what they wanted them to do. And then you're like a comedian. You get to do your college tour. And they grossly [ __ ] over I used to do a bit about it. And then you're you're you're given a speech then not even listening.

They're sitting there eating like a [ __ ] deep-fried eagle. Like not even giving a [ __ ] It's It's so overt. Like it's almost like the serial killer that wants to get caught. So I just felt like like she was just going to be more of the same of that. Preaching this [ __ ] rhetoric as they just keep deregulating [ __ ] And Trump, I feel like what he wants to do aside from, you know uh I I I just think he I think he's at the level rich that he finds the government a nuisance.

And he wants to deregulate everything. So by the time he leaves, he can put a golf course on top of a pipeline on a [ __ ] you know Indian reservation? Yeah, yeah. Indian reservation land. Native American reservation. Like I feel like that's what he like his goals are uh beyond um the [ __ ] that he's saying. I think he's going in there and he finally gets to like you know, adjust the whole mixer. Yeah. So how the [ __ ] he wants it. But here's the thing.

He had to win the presidency to do it. And the [ __ ] guy did it. Yeah. And I have to say it the storm watching that guy that he weathered was amazing. Yeah. Yeah, it is. got the you know, and that people were so clearly I mean, I all those [ __ ] late-night shows hated the guy. They were basically campaigning against him. Um I mean, you're old enough now that you saw like You've seen in in our lifetime like people going from like, you know, who you voted for was really like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, you're getting too personal." To now just people like totally like overtly uh I don't know. There's so much so much hypocritical [ __ ] and I'm part of it, too. But like I love when people are like, "Oh, you know, like you know um Like I was saying it, too. Like the [ __ ] Celebrity Apprentice the host of that is now president. But then yet you're watching the Democrat and the Republican National Conventions and there's comedians and actors speaking at them. Yeah. So it's like, "Well, what the fuck?" Yeah.

It's kind of all just Yeah. Well, it's always been a real President does late-night talk shows and and the people running for it [ __ ] do sketches now on SNL. Like the whole thing has just become like this orgy [ __ ] And I Well, it's a popularity contest. And now they got it a person who's actually popular who won it. I mean, that's really what it is. All these people that before like before Obama ran for office, nobody knew who the [ __ ] he was.

He wasn't a popular person. What Donald Trump's managed to do is become a popular guy who won the popularity contest. He was already popular. He was already a huge figure in American uh culture for decades. Everybody knew who he was. So he's the first guy ever to do it like that. That was the thing they were saying about Arnold. That if Arnold if there wasn't those rules that were in place to keep Arnold from running for president because he was born in Austria, that he could have done it.

Right. You know, I mean, and it's kind of the same thing. He might have. the changing in politics was when Clinton played the saxophone on Arsenio Hall. That was like a That was like the Beatles on the Ed Sullivan Show for like politicians going like, wait a minute, that's like, I don't have to [ __ ] talk policy, I don't have to I just have to do something cool? He had the sunglasses on and everyone was like, this guy's cool, man. Yeah, he was one of the first.

That's right, he had those Ray-Bans on like [ __ ] Tom Cruise. He had those Wayfarers. Yeah, and he made George Senior a [ __ ] war hero become a one-term president. Yeah. Well, that was also a little bit of Ron Paul. Not Ron Paul, um Ross Perot. Ross Perot, yeah. Ross Perot kind of threw the monkey wrench into the gears in that election. Remember that? That's That's one of the craziest guys. He took [ __ ] full half hour and hour-long spots on television, just bought the TV station.

Just bought NBC for an hour and explained the tax problem in this country, explained where your money goes. He made more sense than Bush or Clinton did. But the thing is, you can't get people to vote for them because they they worry that they're throwing their vote away. I don't believe that. I think you're encouraging more people like that. Well, you remember what happened with him? He pulled that out of his ass. How did this How did it go down this [ __ ] road? What are we doing?

You're right. We should stop. like Meet the Press with two people who Um Depressing, we don't know [ __ ] Yeah, we really half-assed talking about politics. go on the road and and not talk about this [ __ ] cuz I think people are sick of it, which really [ __ ] kills me trying to promote my specials. We just went down the rabbit hole for a [ __ ] half hour. I'm going to try to get away from it cuz I think I think people are going to need a break.

They definitely need a break. You could see it in their face and someone brings up Trump on stage, you could see it. Unless you have a really unique point of view or you're just being silly about the whole thing. You know, I've seen I've seen people take that hard stance left the hard left stance on stage and it's just depressing. You know. I don't know. Women's March material, got any of that? No. I did it last night on Conan. I just burned it. Did you? I made fun of her, I was making fun of Madonna, saying how she I It's just not just saying how great she is at self-promotion, how she was working her back catalog.

Uh So, she probably did songs. Did she wear a beret? Like, "Ooh, I'm I'm protesting." So, I just started doing [ __ ] like, you know, "He wants to put a wall up between here and Mexico. In my world, there are no borders, border line." It's like, I'm going "You can download this ON ITUNES." SO, UM YEAH, I don't know. I like when people do [ __ ] cuz I I'm full of [ __ ] so I I like hypocritical behavior. But I'm I'm, you know, excited to get back out on the road.

I hope people uh see my special. Um I'm going to have to bounce out of here cuz I got to get my affairs in order now that I'm a dad. Yeah. Your affairs. Yeah, get my affairs in order. Don't leave here without taking some elk. I got some elk for you. Oh, great. Absolutely. I uh And when are you going to take me on a helicopter ride? We got to do that. Dude, I haven't flown since the beginning of November, so I got to I can do uh Let's do a gig somewhere and we'll fly.

All right. I'm I'm bringing an instructor, though. Okay. Okay, I'm not taking out the Great White Dope. Yeah, no. I'll bring an instructor, we'll go fly up there and it's good. We'll go up in the 44. a weird gig like Bakersfield or something. Oh, yeah. Bakersfield's great. Yeah. Do you do Bakersfield? Yeah. I flew up to Bakersfield. I had a good time. Well, let's [ __ ] That's it. Let's Let's lock something in. Let's do it. you up at Burbank. Let's do it. [ __ ] take You want to do that?

Let's [ __ ] do that. Yeah, let's book something, man. I don't feel like I got a strong hour right now. I'm opening. Beautiful. Let's do it. Where's your hour at right now? I'm I'm 40-plus minutes strong and then I can [ __ ] for half an hour on top of that. Wounded Show. Perfect. We'll fly up, dude. It'll be the [ __ ] Yeah, let's do it. Let's do it. Okay, cool. Okay, we'll book something. All right. That's a done deal. All right, see, we got out of politics.

We can't go to a political place. of politics. I'm sorry. I'm not bringing this up anymore, ladies and gentlemen. I just wanted to see if you had a take on it that was different than my take and I'm I'm as tired of it as you are. Gary Vaynerchuk tonight, 8:00 p.m. That'll be the next podcast and we'll see you tomorrow. but as individuals, we can we can be respectful to one another. Yes. Try to be a better person. All right? like We're ending on a positive note, ladies and gentlemen.

And then tomorrow, Alex Jones, episode 911. See you. I can't handle this political [ __ ]