How To SPOT & Deal With Narcissists (1 Out of 5 People Are One!) | Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Key Takeaway

When dealing with a narcissist, use the DEEP technique: Don't Defend, Don't Engage, Don't Explain, Don't Personalize. Narcissists are fighters who bait you into arguments they're better at winning. Keep responses tight like you're in a deposition: 'Yes,' 'No,' 'Okay,' 'Sounds good.' This radical acceptance that they'll never change protects your mental energy.

Episode Overview

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading narcissism expert, breaks down the psychology of narcissistic relationships, explaining how to identify narcissists, why they behave the way they do, and practical strategies for dealing with them when you can't cut contact completely.

Full Transcript

Transcript of How To SPOT & Deal With Narcissists (1 Out of 5 People Are One!) | Dr. Ramani Durvasula from The School of Greatness. Auto-generated from episode audio; may contain minor errors.

If you're dealing with a narcissist, don't defend. Don't engage. Don't explain. Don't personalize. This is a disorder of self-loathing. All that inadequacy and ugly insecurity. They hate themselves. But then they put it on other people and they project it onto other people. See, narcissists are miserable. They're miserable. Miserable. Today, I am joined by one of the world's leading experts on narcissism and narcissistic abuse. She hosts the award-winning podcast, Navigating Narcissism, Dr. Ramy Devosa. So, how do you create boundaries with a narcissist? It's not easy. The the key with a narcissistic person is to detect it early.

If you meet someone charming and charismatic, run away. Like, get away from it. This is dangerous. But are there some people that are charming and charismatic who aren't narcissistic? Yeah. But I I'm I'm like I'm I'm all about throwing the baby out with the bathroom. It's unfortunately a one in five. You date five people. What are the odds? Can you love a narcissist or is it impossible? The bigger question I often get is can a narcissist love? Is that possible? So the Welcome back everyone to the school of greatness.

We have Dr. Romany in the house. Very excited. Thank you for being here. Thank you. You um have been doing intensive work on psychology and specifically about narcissism more recently and really your your content has been blowing up online. Thanks. Uh, you've got an amazing book out called Don't Know Who I Am. No. Don't you know who I am? Don't You know who I am. How to stay sane in an era of narcissism, entitlement, and in civility. Yeah. And um why is narcissism such a a a big topic especially right now in our society?

It's interesting. It wasn't for a very long time. I mean, this is it's fascinating to have been studying something when nobody cared about it. Like I was like I was that nerd in the lab with the butterfly that nobody cared about and everyone I was literally back room of a lab and everyone forgot about me. I was content because I'm a nerd. That's I geeked out. I was like this is fascinating. And then a lot of things happened. You know if anyone ever asked me this is my theory on it is I think it's interesting if you if you there's a book um from the 1970s by a guy named Christopher Lash called the culture of narcissism.

And in that book he really gets and this is the 70s, okay? And he really gets into issues like materialism and also the falling apart of um American community structures and family structures. And so he pins this sort of pathological narcissism and selfishness to the sort of the erosion of those structures. But I think that misses something. Then it was kind of quiet like this has always been a quiet area interestingly in in mental health. And then reality TV happened, social media happened, we had to witness it all.

Yeah. And we had to witness it all. Kids are growing up with it now. Political dramas and fights and lots of and and materialism was on the rise. So when we look at materialism, social media and reality TV, that kind of triple threat where everything was about shameless self-promotion, everything was about validation seeking. Look at me. No, look at me. My life's better than yours. And it was that it was I will never forget the day actually. I was uh when I someone told me about social media.

It was in that space between MySpace and Facebook. Yeah. And I had small small children at the time and I think I was up late and somebody said, "You you got to look at this thing called Facebook, right?" And I'm like, "I don't know what this is." And so I at the time I was even married so really no social life. And I look at it and and I'm and it's that moment, that penny drop moment where I could feel that dread in my stomach as though like a ghost appeared in the door and I thought to myself, "Oh my god, this narcissism thing is about to blow up." Wow.

Because before that, think about it. If you were a narcissist and you needed to get validation, you actually had to get up and get out of the house, right? Like no one was going to You had to get up, kind of get ready, go to work. A lot of narcissists got their validation at work, especially men at that in that era. And then other people like would get it by like going to social events, going to parties, maybe succeeding at something, but it was a different game.

Going to the gym, maybe maybe going to the gym. But now all of excelling at something visible like sports or performing or like u singing or something like that. But then I was like, "Oh, hell no. You're telling me that people are going to be able to get validation just sitting at home." And I thought this narcissism thing is going to blow up. That was 2008 when I had that revelation. I started telling people, you know, people said like, "Oh, honey, you're just you're you're you're running off in your head.

Get some sleep. Like you're acting crazy." And I said, "No, no, no. This is going to blow up." And then it blew up. And at around that time, we're starting to see the beginnings of reality TV shows like, you know, Survivor and things like that. I'm like, "This is interesting." thing and then we'd start seeing more and more more of the attentionseeking reality TV housewife type shows and all that bachelor and I I thought oh no no no and then and then the political winds changed and the word came into the into popular use so imagine going from something that you studied only you studied like nobody cared about it and then all sudden changed and it became mainstream exactly and but this another thing that was happening too was this um I was studying ated my research.

I had been funded by the National Institutes of Health to look at um personality issues because I had I was working with folks who were working in community clinics and they would come back from the community clinics back to the main lab at the university and say they would look frazzled and I say hey what's up and they'll say some of these patients they're so terrible and they're ruining everyone's lives. And what we came to find out was that there were some patients who come in entitled and grumpy and take it out on the staff.

And I thought that's interesting. these people are not only burning out the staff so they can't give good health care to other people they themselves everyone's dreading seeing them so they're not getting good health care and then a few years later I was noticing a pattern in my patients over and over again they kept it's like they were all talking about the same relationship and I thought this is interesting nobody ever taught these people about narcissism because this is clearly what was happening in their relationships and I'm not kidding you once they got educated on these patterns they were making changes like this some were getting divorced some were splitting up some were saying I'm going to set boundaries I mean, it was it was instant change.

And they said, "We were in couples therapy for 5 years, and always about marriage is hard. You got to communicate." I'm like, "Communicating with a narcissist is I don't know. It's like it's impossible. He's screaming into an abyss like there's no point." Wow. So, is there hope for uh people in marriages, if they're in a relationship with a narcissist, to actually heal the relationship and improve it, or is it just going to be hard the rest of your life? going on a probability basis, the answer is no.

I think it's going to be hard always. Are there unicorns out there? Sure. But the amount of commitment you'd need on the part of the person who's narcissistic, I mean, we're talking about daily commitment on the person who is a narcissist. Then the person who's narcissistic has to get into therapy multiple times a week. They have to they have to be willing to have humility. They have to be willing to be mindful. They have to be willing to regulate themselves. That's a long list of things they need to be willing to do.

They can't be impulsive. I can't say whatever is on their mind. I It's fascinating because I have worked with many I'd say 25% of the clients I've worked with in my clinical practice for a long time now, you know, have been narcissistic. Why would they even come to uh work with you if they're narcissistic because something's going wrong in their lives. Their marriage is blowing up. Um there's they're having some sort of public shaming. Their career isn't going well. They feel the world is against them.

And in this victimized stance, they roll up to therapy and somebody's wanting to complain, right? Every so often they're given an ultimatum, maybe by a workplace or by a spouse or someone. Maybe they get caught in an affair. And then they're told that wife or husband or partner or spouse will say, "We're not staying together unless you get therapy." which is a fool's errand because if they if someone else is telling them to do it, even if someone even if they do it on their own, there usually isn't much personality.

Personality doesn't really change. Personality doesn't change unless you're like doing therapy every week and holding yourself accountable on that. Listen, I'm I listen, I have a certain personality. I got it tested when I was in my 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s. It hasn't changed. I'm a little bit more a I'm a little bit more confident now. That's not my personality. That's just time served, right? You know, it's like I put in more reps. Yes. Yeah. I put in more reps. So, I'm like now I know I can do this thing, right?

But it's not that I'm I was born agreeable. I grew up agreeable. I was an agreeable adult. I'm an agreeable person. That's just who I am. When is our personality shaped? Well, there's two pieces of personality. We're born the the sort of the genetic part of personality, if you will, is called our temperament. Our temperament. Temperament. Our temper. born and you're either a choir or not a choir or you're to I can make it ultra simple like you know there's some kids out there who have really difficult temperaments born into the world difficult talk to a parent they they they're kids who are difficult to soothe they're to to make them stop crying to help them sleep as time goes on they're just difficult kids they don't play as nice they have low frustration tolerance they're difficult with their siblings they're punchy fighty they get to school they can't sit still they're always getting into trouble and none of the adults like them.

So these kids with these difficult temperaments actually have this relationship with the world that's pretty unpleasant. Everyone's like, "Sit down. Stop that. Don't do that." And there's even this vibe these kids get like nobody really wants to spend time with them, right? Because they're a real handful. Is it their fault? I mean, they can't really can't really change that when you're five. No, you can't. But that the difficult temperament's a risk factor for the adult narcissistic personality. Now, not everybody with a difficult temperament goes on to become narcissistic.

So, it's not a slam dunk, but it's definitely when we tell that story backwards. Every narcissistic client I've ever worked with, without exception, had a difficult temperament as a child. So, that either they every so often I'd get lucky, they we'd phone the parent during therapy and say, "Can we talk about this?" Sometimes they don't ask the parent and the parent would come clean on that and say, "Yeah, you were a real you had because you had siblings, right?" So, they'd compare them to siblings. Some siblings have this great easy temperament.

It's not quite. So, temperament is that biological part of our personality. It's how you might see your personality in either one of your parents or in a grandparent or an aunt or an uncle. You'll say, "Wow, I have such a similar personality to them." That's the genetics. Okay. And the other all the rest of it is is shaped by the world, environment, parents, society, how you were treated, and Yeah. what you're exposed to. Exactly. So if you had a let's say a challenging temperament growing up, is there hope for you to you know, I guess shift your personality into a different style with environment and I think so.

I think a couple of things have to happen. That kid needs to be met where they're at. So, let's say you have a boy with a difficult temperament who's just energy and you get them into athletics. Yes. Or you get them into something where they're using their hands, whatever that might be, building things or something like that, and you really are with them instead of saying, "You're being so bad. You're so difficult." Like, "Wow, look at that rocket you built." Or like, "Oh my gosh, you ran 10 miles today or you threw the ball or like this is great.

Like, let's do it together." And they have a parent who wants to maybe do those things with them. I've I've heard of some This is where it's interesting. I hear a lot of these stories if not in athletics but people who do things like climb mountains that kind of thing and sometimes the parents got them into these things because the kid was just a a bolus of energy and then they would and then the parents would really encourage them might even go with them might go with them or whatever.

So I do think if that child feels loved, safe, protected, attached, um they feel like they have a safe base to return to, which is usually their primary caregiver, they can relax and they have success experiences, right? So maybe they're not the best kid in school, but they're really like they feel loved no matter what, whether they can read or not, whether they can do math or not, they're loved and that they have these other outlets and that the school is supporting them and meeting them.

How many kids do you know who have that things line up like that? I can count on one hand the number of kids I know who got that lineup, right? I mean, who had like all the support and love and we love you no matter what. Yeah, it's very challenging. Uh it's interesting because I I interviewed Kobe Bryant um before he passed obviously and he he said his father one summer when he was playing basketball, I think he was 13, he said he didn't score one point the whole summer in like this summer competition league.

And he said, "My father told me, no matter what, I'm going to love you. Whether you score zero points or you're the highest scoreer, I'm going to love you no matter what you do. No matter how good or how bad you are, I love you no matter what." And he said that conversation with his dad gave him the confidence to say, "I'm going to go out and and and go for it. Um, no matter what happens, I'm loved." Is the way he explained it. And I thought that was interesting.

But uh not a lot of people have had like the school support and parent support and slipping support and like the encouragement. But it sounds like you can't change a personality, but you can channel a personality into other activities to support their growth. Is that right? So every human being has the same sort of essential ingredients that they need in terms of wanting, you know, a like again a safe base. Yes. A safe place of attachment. Um a sense of being loved no matter what. Yeah, their behavior could be called out like, "No, you cannot tear up the living room.

That behavior is not okay. I love you. You know, I love you whether you get the 13 points or the no points." Just like you're still grounded, but I love you. You're still grounded, you know. I love you, you know. And so that sort of consistency and safety, but it's it was interesting. I was just reading a research paper from 2014, and in this paper, they were talking about how do you basically how do you make a narcissistic adult out of a kid? One thing we're seeing a little bit is right now is this problem of children being overvalued for nothing.

Celebrated for just being celebrated for like you're just so great and it's that we you're saying well what should we tell the kids if they're not great? Well great means something right? Great is excelling. So you love a child you cultivate their strengths. But the idea being that narcissistic parents are very vulnerable to thinking their kids are great because they have to be. They're my kids, so they better be great kids. So these kids are being told they're all that over and over and you're all that, you're all that.

You shouldn't, you're special. You shouldn't have to struggle with the slings and arrows of the world. Well, then they get to adulthood and the slings and arrows happen and they are not having it. And that's where you see that's that's that on top of everything else can also be what fosters the building of the narcissistic child. Just overindulge. And what happens is they're almost o they're overindulged for their outsides and you're you're so special, but their their emotional world isn't nourished. So nobody is sitting with their emotions and letting them be sad.

It's many times like come on, let's all be happy. You know, it's a lot of that. And that's a dangerous game to play. Would you would you say with your research if um kids grew up in a healthy family let's say it's they got all the tools and resources and their parents were healed from their traumas and gave them you know discipline but love and all these things in the way that the best way you could. Is it possible for someone to still be raised as a narcissist even if they have this environment of love and safety and or how does a narcissist become one?

Is it only through family environment and the way they were treated or how does it actually happen? So the problem if you if they someone had all the fundamentals yes right the safety the love the consistency the freedom from trauma values the great values all you know all of those things a supportive educational environment all of that you still will have a handful but you will have dropped the probability from here down to here. Okay. Right. It's it's like a horse race, right? You you've really dropped the likelihood significantly.

Narcissism is a it creating adult narcissism is a complex interbend of that biological temperament meeting up all these environmental conditions. And there's a range of conditions that can result in results in adulthood narcissism. At the most extreme and probably most difficult is trauma in childhood. So a child who is raised and experiences trauma, you know, significant caregiver loss, chaos, abuse, observing abuse in because that results in inconsistent caregivers, right? And so that can put a person at risk for developing an adulthood narcissistic personality. But here's where it gets tricky.

The majority of people exposed to trauma in childhood don't become narcissistic. You see what I'm saying? We're talking about risk factors. You could, but you don't always. So that's one pathway. This overindulgence, this over like, you're so great. You're so special. You're so extraordinary. My kids are the most extraordinary thing. That's another model towards traumatic, I'm sorry. That's another model towards narcissistic personality development. Conditional love. Kobe Bryant's father. I'm only going to love you if you come back having scored 20 points. If you didn't, don't even show up.

That now imagine that happening a thousand times, 10,000 times. I love you. I love you when you clean the dishes. I love you if you get straight A's. I love you if you make the soccer goal. I love you if you whatever. The child learns that their all love is conditional, which is really that's transactional. Basically, all narcissistic relationships in adulthood are transactional. You set the tone there with conditionality. A lot of this though comes down to something called attachment. And attachment is something that's created in the first year or two of life.

It requires an available, consistent, responsive caregiver. One singular. You need that. That person who is there, who looks at the baby, who responds when it cries, who loves it, who holds it, who feeds it. You need that safe. It's called a secure attachment. A lot of the research really points to the important of that importance of that secure attachment that as being something that predicts a lower likelihood of adult narcissism. So if you have a secure, you're less likely. If you have an anxious attachment and an anxiously attached baby is the child who absolutely flips out when their caregiver leaves.

Like you know if the mommy drops them off and they lose it then person who receives the child has a hard time soothing the child and then when the child sees the parent again they start crying again like almost like how could you leave me abandoned me for five hours. And that anxious attachment style is very much associated with a narcissistic style in adulthood. Yeah. Mhm. Can you break down the differences between narcissists, um, psychopaths, sociopaths, and then also how you spot them? So, there's a big difference.

I if if I was at a chalkboard here, I'd be drawing a ven diagram with overlapping circles, okay? Lots of overlap between narcissism and psychopathy. Lots. Okay. the boldness, the meanness, the impulsivity, the disinhibition, the um always working the angles, the exploitiveness, the manipuliveness, the entitlement, absolutely overlapping. So you might be wondering then what's the difference? Here's the difference. Narcissistic people are insecure and they very insecure and lots of feelings of inadequacy. Okay, so but that's all happening at an unconscious level. But I want you to think of a narcissist as somebody who constantly has a stomach ache, right?

Because they're going through their lives, but they're like they're they there's almost this tension. They're not aware why they have it, but the tension that the top's going to get blown off and we're going to be able to see their inadequacies. That's why they're so sensitive to criticism. Like if I wear, hey, like, uh, yeah, it's interesting. You got some dust on your shirt. And you're like, oh, really? And you start coming at me. It's like, you got this on yours. What are you talking about?

this and this and criticizing you. Yes. You see what I'm saying? That's a hedge against the shame. That's the narcissist game. Psychopath doesn't go there. Psychopath is not anxious. Psychopath is not insecure. Their nervous systems are different. So, there's a part of our nervous system called the autonomic nervous system. This is the this is the involuntary part of our nervous system. And it's it's from which the sympathetic nervous system comes off which you know as fight or flight or freeze. And that fight flight freeze. And there's even a fourth part to it called fawn which we could talk about.

But that that autonomic reaction that like boom adrenaline got you know eyes wide open kind of reaction that's not there for the psychopath. So whereas I I don't know if I saw something out there and I saw someone had a $100 bill hanging out their wallet, never could I ever like I would have a heart attack from the anxiety of thinking about like no, you know, cuz I have a very probably overly functioning autonomic nervous system. But for somebody who's a psychopath, they'd clip that and their heart rate would not just take it and steal it and so they have no anxiety, no excitement around it.

No excitement, no anxiety and they're very stress resistant in that way. That's why there's so many psychopathic CEOs. If you're going to be a CEO and nothing bothers you, you you're able to say, "Cut those 100,000 jobs." And then you still go off and play golf for the afternoon because nothing gets you. They sometimes make great surgeons because when all hell's breaking loose, they're just sort of calmly doing their surgery thing. It's it really is. But there is a coldness and a callousness. Interesting. Because there is almost like no capacity for empathy, no capacity for intimacy.

Interesting. any and but and psychopaths are almost singularly motivated by power, pleasure, and profit and mostly by power. They solely want to dominate because that's what they do. Narcissists like to dominate, but they actually kind of seem like dumb dogs next to the psychopaths. Really? Yeah. The closest we get to overlap is what we call malignant narcissism. So that's when we have all the goodies we see in narcissism, but we see as more of a sadism and a paranoia in the malignant narcissist. They're the most dangerous narcissists.

They're still not fully psychopaths because they still have the insecurity and the inadequacy. It the psychopaths don't. They're not insecure. No. I mean, if you if you see a psychopath get mad, it's simply because you might have gotten in the way of something they needed to get to get done. You know what they'll instead do? They'll very quietly figure out a way to destroy you. Get rid of Exactly. Or they'll calmly have someone say like, um, I'll literally look at you if I was the psychopathic boss and you were working for me.

I'd be like and I'd be calm and I'd go and then I don't know whether that means you kill them or whatever but no problem with that and very have the em the emotion they don't have empathy no empathy does narcissist have empathy you ever walk out of the grocery store or fill up on your tank and just think to yourself how is everything this expensive feels like prices are going up everywhere but how great would it be if just once just once something actually went down in price be pretty amazing, wouldn't it be?

Well, at Metro, that's exactly what's happening. They're lowering their prices and are giving you a 5-year price guarantee on talk, on text, and on data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. Oh, and you also get a free 5G phone. All with no ID required and no activation fees. Stop by your neighborhood Metro store. Visit metrobyt-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Narcissists have we we tend to say, "Oh, they don't have empathy." They have what we call I like to call it instrumental empathy.

They weaponize empathy. So narcissists get what empathy is. They know what it they use it to get what they need. They don't necessarily use it against you, but like if they want to get you to do something. Oh man, I heard your mom's sick. Oh man, oh my gosh, how's she doing? I'm so sorry. Like it's rough. You know, my mom was sick. She she was really sick for a while, too. I get all that. And then, you know, it's a rapport and then they're getting some from you, right?

So, it feels like empathy, you know, and especially when you first meet them. That's why so many people think narcissistic people are charming and charismatic. They know what the fe they know what's right. They or I should say they know what empathy is. They know how to read the room. So they got it, but they can't be bothered with it. They actually cognitively get it. They can think about empathy. I need something for him from him. Somebody said his mom's sick, so let me let me work the mom angle here because that's going to help him feel better.

What they don't have is any regard for so they have no regard for the feelings of others. They don't care. So when they're done with you and they've gotten what they need from you and someone's the next week when they're fully done with you and say hey his mom got sick or and be like so yeah so what do you want me to do about it? So it's very cold when they're done. So that and that's why people say well don't tell me they don't have empathy because it seemed like they cried at that movie or they were really understanding my feelings.

Odds are they needed something at that point. So what was the most uh the scariest narcissist? What was it called? or the most most dangerous malignant narcissist. Okay. So, can you explain again what that what that is? So, let's talk about let's let's view narcissism as almost like this inner core. Okay. And the inner core of narcissism is this variable empathy. Usually a lack of empathy. Okay. Entitlement, grandiosity, validation seeking, a sense of envy for other people or the assumption that other people envy them. um the inability to regulate their anger when they're frustrated, disappointed, or stressed.

A a sense of shame. So if anyone points out a flaw in them, they tend to react with rage. A reactive sensitivity to criticism. So if anyone points out anything, they w they come at them. Blameshifting and responsibility shifting. So they blame other people for what you know what is actually their responsibility. They're very controlling, very egocentric. everything is about them. Everything is self- serving, insecure, um, very deeply insecure, deep, lots of feelings of inadequacy, but those are all sort of push down. All of these things I'm talking about, the entitlement and all the rest of it, it's like a suit of armor that protects that inner core of inadequacy so nobody ever sees it.

If I'm walking around telling you I'm all that, well, then I can't be inadequate, right? And if I got a big fancy car and a big fancy house and a big fancy person on my arm, then I'm all that, right? But I it is actually fascinating to watch that moment if you could put it in slow-mo when this the shame gets activated. I don't know. They don't get the girl or they don't get the guy or they don't get the job and the rage it just it it pops out like that is an idiot.

I feel like um I feel like I'm so re I'm so uh reactive to this. Not in a negative way but I feel I'm remembering many things in my life. Um in in many relationships I have always wanted to do therapy with people and um in multiple relationships they were resistant. They never wanted to do it. They said no, I'll never do therapy. So resistant eventually getting into therapy. Um so it's so funny you're saying this because I feel like I don't know. I'm just having these flashbacks here but uh and everything you're saying here just seems like crazy to me.

So, I feel like maybe I might have been with some narcissists, maybe I haven't with with everyone. Uh, but I'm wondering what attracted me to maybe some of people that had this when originally I didn't know they had this. It didn't seem like they had these things. It seemed like uh, you know, they were loving and supportive and kind and generous, but the more you say these things, I'm just like, okay, that's interesting. Just notice. So with a narcissism, we have to talk about sort of the top of the line behaviors and those are are presentations.

Charm, charisma, confidence, curiosity. Um, and they also can you have those things and not be narcissistic? You can because I'm a very curious person. I care, you know, I'm like, so here here's where it gets interesting, right? is you can be curious and when you can find an empathic, charismatic person, behold them. They are the unicorns of the human being. Like someone who is confident and when I meet the confident, charismatic, empathic, kind, respectful, humble person. I literally I'm like, "Okay, everyone." And I I can tell you it doesn't happen often.

And I'm usually like I look goooo eyes cuz I'm thinking and then of course I'm poking at it. I'm like, "No, no, no. I'm gonna find I'm fine. What's wrong with it?" Every so often I find it and I'm like, it hasn't happened often. It hasn't happened often. But here's the thing. The charm, the charisma, the confidence, the curiosity. Um, there's also comfort that they also offer. It's like they'll often feel like they're rescuers. I can take care of it all. They'll be very generous up front, right?

You know, all it's all a front game, right? So, what happens then? the curtain comes down across all your common sense and you missing Yeah. and people and if you either you miss the lack of empathy and the anger and the rage and all the other stuff or you justify it. You just Well, yeah. They they you know, well, he's got a big job or she's really stressed or she doesn't mean that or that's just their culture. Oh my gosh. These you just said that someone I was with was like, well, this is my culture.

No, no. This is my culture. No. And I probably no empathy. Like it makes no sense to me. Like I've heard that excuse and I get to say this cuz I'm from a very different culture and I'll say oh no I do not know a culture where meanness is permitted. And to say to that person if that's your culture then go with God. Exactly. Because at someone and being angry and not regulating your emotions is not that's not a culture. And but yet but yet I'm amazed at how often I was listen I was reading an article by a linguist recently and the linguist was talking about how um people talk over each other in certain cultures, right?

And they were using that as a way to rationalize interrupting and there's interrupting. Narcissistic interrupting is not only it's it's contemptuous interrupting, right? Like dismissive interrupting. Dismissive like um Okay. All right. You know, you're talking and then I I not only cut in, but it's basically like your point of view doesn't matter or Yeah. You're you're an idiot. This is I know what's really Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Okay. So, you you share some of these signs of um malignant narciss. No, that's okay. So, core, let's go back to the core.

So, we got the core of lack of empathy. All that stuff I talked about. Yes. Yes. Now, the problem with narcissism is their subtypes. Oh my gosh. Not all narcissists are created. We really do need a whiteboard. Like I'd be writing notes up there because what we have then is the classical narcissist, the sort of 57 Chevy of narcissism is the grandiose narcissist. It is the the big charming confident. I'm the one. I'm the best. No insight. Very little empathy kind of but very like big salespersony.

That's the grandio narcissist. Grandios is someone who says when you meet them in the first day, I love you. Yeah. They're often like we're going to be together forever. Once in a-lifetime love story, this is magical, right? Is that okay? Oh man, flashbacks for me. Grandio. Okay. But then when we talk about the malignant narcissist, again, we have all that stuff, lack of empathy and all that other stuff, but they are more menacing. They are more controlling. they were a little bit more scary. They're sadistic.

They're paranoid. Um what if they have both of those things? Usually they can. They can. But and what would that's a horrific combination because then that person's real charming on the front end and then once you cross the threshold and walk all the way in with them, now you're dealing with their malignant, manipulative, scary. And and when we see controlling when we see manipulative narcissis manipulative I'm sorry malignant narcissism we're seeing people who are often they're more they're more likely to be aggressive to be violent to be abusive to isolate people from ever being able to get help from being abusive in the workplace.

We hear these big awful workplace abuse stories a lot, especially a lot in the me too era. A lot of those folks were malignant narcissists, right? So, how do you and Tyler, if if we have a whiteboard in there, can you bring in one with a Sharpie or with a erase dry erase marker? I think we have a small whiteboard. If you find one or see if Matt has one. Um, so what happens if you're with a narcissist? you you maybe it's been a year you've been dating someone or your your boss didn't seem like it at the beginning but then you're figuring out oh check check check they've got a lot of these things but you you know the first 6 months was seemed great or it seemed like it was amazing but now we're seeing the curtain you know pull back and some of these things are coming out and we're not feeling good about the relationship that we're in.

Whether it's a working relationship, a friendship, an intimate relationship, we've spotted it. Yep. What I'm hearing you say is there's really no way to change a narcissist. No. So trying to change them is not going to happen. That's a fool's theory. So doesn't mean we just pretty much have to rip the cord and and rip the band-aid and get out or how does it happen? It's not that simple. Yeah. Right. We can't walk away from all relationships. People can't just quit their jobs. Um let's say let's say a person starts figuring this out five years in a relationship and they're married and they got children.

what if it's their family of origin and they're like, I've done my homework and this is actually my parent or my sibling. People say, "Well, I don't know that I'm willing to cut off for my entire family." So, I'm not going to sit here and tell people that, oh, you just got to always go. In fact, my my first book on the topic of narcissism is called Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a relationship with a narcissist. And I wrote it from that point of view because it's too simplistic to say, well, get up and go, like you said, rip off the band-aid.

So if you're and neither path is easy but right in an ideal world I will be frank with you and there's actually an interesting group in Israel that's gathering has gathered some data on this on narcissistic abuse and they found that the thing that works best in dealing with a narcissistic relationship that resulted in the best outcomes was going no contact like having no contact with them done because it's almost like a toxin right if you if there's a toxic gas the best way to feel better is to eliminate no more talking.

You have a little bit, you're just going to be feeling a little bit of pain consistently. It's going to be holding on to it. Correct. But a lot of people don't have that. So the biggest if you're going to have to stay in this relationship, you have to engage in something that I and others have called radical acceptance. This is never going to change. This is who they are. This is it. So, and I then I tell people I have something called the deep technique that I I talk about.

The deep technique is when I tell people if you're dealing with a narcissist, don't defend. Don't engage. Don't explain. Don't personalize. So deep. Don't defend. Don't engage. Don't explain. Don't personalize. And so when they're coming at you, if you can remember, you you really are keeping it tight. It's a lot of you. It's like you're in a deposition. Yes. No. Okay. Sounds good. Sure. Now, man, narcissists don't like that because they're going to keep coming and digging and digging. bait you. They're going to bait you.

And they when I tell you when they bait you, they they don't play. They go for everything. They go for everything that's going to make something else. Kids, they they start making stuff up. They go after your friends. They draw your friends in it, threatening to shame you publicly, whatever it is, right? And so then some people people take that bait and then the narcissist like game on, you know, and they're all I got you. Because when you're fighting, they're fighters. That's what they do. In fact, there was a great research study came out from Ohio State University, Ohio boy.

and um phenomenal study that came out this year and over over over 450 studies they examined and found really strong effects that narcissism is consistently associated with aggression. It's a very it's this is not there's nothing soft about this. This is about aggression. They want the fight. They are always a better fighter. Oh my gosh. And they want the fight so they bait you. So you got to be made a steel. Don't defend. Don't engage. Don't explain crazy to not get into the fight. Yeah. I won't I won't speak names here but in in a previous uh relationship I remember I learned to let go of jealousy in my 20 when I was in my teens and 20s I was jealous and you know if my girlfriend or the person I was dating was with other guys I was just didn't know how to handle it right I was you know afraid I was like oh what's happening it was just like jealous then I remember a friend of mine was like you got to kill the jealousy monster inside of you this is not serving you in your relationships if someone cheats you're going to find out about it and then you move on or whatever.

But being jealous about something that's not happening is just making you anxious and worried and it's hurting you and it's hurting the relationship. So, it took me a while, but I learned in my 30s and in a specific relationship um was with someone who got a lot of male attention, let's say a lot, always. Um and I was ne I never was insecure or jealous about it. I think I was just so confident. I was like, you know, whatever. I mean, this person was getting a lot of attention in in public and in line or whatever they did.

And I was just like, okay. Like, it never bothered me. And I don't know why. I think maybe it's just cuz I'm older and I maturity and I was just I feels I felt so confident. I was like, okay, if they want to go with someone else, go be with them. If I'm not the right fit for you, why would I be jealous and insecure? But they it's almost like they always wanted me to react to something. And I was like, Yes. Okay. If you want to be with them, go be with them.

All right. So, you know, and I never reacted. And they are always trying to be like, "Oh, this person took my number today." And this I was like, "Yeah, okay. Well, what do you want?" There's a name for that. And that thing you're talking about is called triangulation. Triangulation. Every relationship with a narcissist is a threesome. You just don't know it because they always need that third person in the relationship. Whether it's someone gave me the number or someone's noticing me, this person DM' me or this person's hitting on me.

They're always trying to and they're always trying to create that sense of intrigue or the idea that somebody is more into them or they're or again it's often them creating the jealousy or they be incredibly jealous of their partners. There's a difference between jealousy and pathological jealousy. There's two different things. Okay. So, jealousy is normal. Jeal we are a actually we're a pair bonded species. We human beings we we we like we pretty much are about generally normatively have sex with one person. People like no that person she said yeah they were only having sex with them.

They weren't having sex with you. They were still sexually monogous. They weren't banging you. They were banging someone else. You were on paper in a relationship with them. You came you went to the same home but their sex was with someone else. Okay. But we tend to be pair bonded. We tend to be monogamous. All right? So jealousy is a threat to that. And think of it Darwinianly, right? If if I'm in a relationship and a a threat comes in, right? Normal jealousy is that sort of evolutionary jealousy, right?

I'm with a person. If somebody is comes in as a threat to that relationship, I've lost the resources and support for our offspring. Right? That's all that Darwinian Darwinian stuff. Production, pathological jealousy, pathological jealousy though, that starts getting into the realm of things like paranoia and um oh my gosh, and negative mood states and all that. Like jealousy doesn't feel good. But it I always when I've worked with couples, they're like, "I'm jealous." I'm like, "That's good. That means you still got a skin in the game." Like cuz when people I've been with people worked with couples and or worked with individuals and they'll say, "I'm not even jealous when people notice my husband." I kind of feel sad cuz I'm like, "Yeah, this thing this thing's kind of kind of done." I feel like Yeah.

I don't feel jealous. I feel like I trust the person I'm with. It's Yeah, but that that's we're talking about pathological jealousy, right? So, I think of my partner, ironically, on our on my drive here, he was talking about something and about this woman who I knew we were going to deceive who had hit on him. And this this dude is so loyal, it it levels it to a whole new level. And I I remember thinking in the driver, I'm like, I got that little funny thing in my tummy.

Okay. I I don't I'm like, huh? he doesn't even live in this country. And so I'm thinking that's and I was like that's good. That's good that I'm still feeling that guy. Still got a dog in the fight. But it doesn't mean you're like letting it stress you out and like talking about only because we're talking about it. Yeah, of course. Yeah. And so the paranoial jealousy is some I mean that's a narcissist thing. Paranoid. Yeah. Okay. So I remember in this uh specific relationship it was like she would make things up.

She' be like, "Oh, this person is hitting on you." And I was like, "No, I don't even know who know this person is." And then it would just be like used against. And then was like, "Well, I'm not speaking to you for a couple days because I you're you're li you must be lying to me. You must not be telling me the truth." I'm like, "What?" It's just like kept going on and on. So, yeah. If you want to use this, if you have any examples, next time we have been Yeah.

I think this will be this would be cool to show on YouTube. People love this. Yeah. Um, okay. So, there's a little bit of jealousy as normal. Means you care. Mhm. Um, but the p What did you say? Paran paranoid. The the pathological jealousy. Pathological jealousy. That's a narcissist. That's more of an it's it's more paranoid. It's more antagonistic. It's more about you must be doing something you're doing. So, it's accusatory. It's almost delusional. Oh my gosh. Okay. So much is coming up for me. Um, and what would you say again are the main causes?

Uh, what are the main things that happen to cause someone to become a narcissist? Is it all trauma- based? Today's show is brought to you by Apple Watch. Knowing how you sleep is a gamecher when it comes to overall well-being, but for many, sleep and sleep quality are a mystery. The new Apple Watch Series 11 provides an easy way to track and better understand the quality of your sleep. The sleep score on Apple Watch helps you better understand your sleep routine and help to make it more restorative.

Dive into factors like sleep duration, bedtime consistency, how often you wake up, and time spent in each sleep stage. Apple Watch takes you from not knowing to knowing. Find out more at apple.com/applewatch series 11. iPhone 11 or later required. It's No, it's it's partly trauma. It's also that ch that temperament. It is um chaos in the early environment. It's it's lack of secure attachment. It's overvaluation of the child. Basically, the child can do no wrong. And uh they're so wonderful. I mean, it's interesting. We're about to see something fascinating happened.

And I don't know how it's going to go down. We're we're about to see because what Facebook's coming up on 20 years soon, right? We're about to see the first generation of kids who were born into the Facebook world where every moment being documented and shared and since they were born. This is the first time we're going to be seeing this. So, I bless the people out there who are going to start collecting this data because we now have, you know, you're going to see what happens if you were cuz I I had kids way before this.

So, I did not the only people who saw their pictures were people actually put them in an envelope, mail the picture kind of thing came to the house and look the actual baby. But, um this is a whole new game for kids who's who basically were accessories to their parents' lives. Look at my child this, look at my child this. Every day there's a new picture. So, is it do you think it's okay to share some of your family life on social media and some of your children's, you know, special moments, or do you think we should be protecting our kids at all costs and never show their face, never show anything until they're whatever?

It's a super interesting area. There's some actually really interesting thinking and writing about this, which is these children aren't consenting to this. is the are these children consenting to you showing them um have a meltdown or you know we see all these silly child videos and sometimes I kind of feel a little sadness because these things stay evergreen they didn't agree to that and as much as we feel oh no it's so cute is still they didn't consent it's it's a vulnerability right so there's some I know some folks in the developmental sphere of psychology saying oh this may not be entirely cool not agreeing what happens when the kids 23 and they start going back and seeing all these like things that their mom or had posted and they're like, "Huh, that's not really cool.

I wish you wouldn't have done that to me." But it goes beyond that because even when the child is young, there's this sense of things are constantly being done to them without them agreeing to it. Posing and put these clothes on and do this and let's post you in a public way. And that and then the child also gets this sense of their utility, their importance to their parents is their social media persona. You look so pretty in your dress. You look so cute in your costume.

Like you're wondering, are you costumeuming your child for Halloween for you or for them or for the validation? Exactly. For the validation the parent is getting. Yes. Exactly. Exactly. And that's tough cuz I have I have friends who never show their kids stuff and then I have friends who do show their kids and man, it's just like yeah, how do we navigate that conversation, man? How do we I I think we're building this airplane in the sky. Oh man. And so the challenge becomes then that I would say it's a it's a balancing act between parents talking to each other, both parents, but also I think there's a larger issue of how much is the child feeling that they're valued, validated for being the kid who poses in social media, right?

Because what does every child want? They want their they want their parents love. All they want is their parents love and attention. So, if they start to recognize that if I'm looking good on social media and mommy's getting validated, then they'll put on the weird thing they want her to wear or do the thing that she wants them to do, but what's not happening is that their interest, what they value, may not be cultivated or everything's a photo op. It's as though the child feels that they're constantly on display versus just having a moment where they're being present and mindful and it doesn't all have to be documented.

That that I'm I'm going to psychologist. concerned about when these chickens come home to roost and they're going to what? Let's say there are there are parents that are posting about their kids online, you know, maybe they have a small following, maybe it's to a private group of their friends and family, that's a a kind of a different game and and and or it's the ones that have a bigger following. If they were going to be posting and they have a bigger following, let's say not to their friends and family, what would be appropriate that you think psychologically in a healthy manner to be able to talk about your family and your kids?

Is there a healthy way psychologically that's going to, you know, I think not mess them up or, you know, being present with your children emotionally, being aware of their needs of not turning them into a performing pony in your circus. Do you know? I mean, again, I say this as the mom of two kids, right? And there are moments when you think, well, this is the day we're going to take such and such picture. Somebody's sick. Someone's crying. Someone has torn their dress. Someone is this.

And if you get angry at them because they've ruined your finally laid plans, that child then starts getting that conditional sense of I'm only about this person's finally laid plans. Listen, we all do it. We all screw up. We all do that conditionality to our kids. It's almost impossible to not. It's it's how quickly we catch ourselves and say that's not what they want. This is not this is we're going to Disneyland because they want to go to Disneyland. We're going to the park. They want to go to the park not because what a great day for a photo op.

Like I I've been on vacation and I've watched families like practically I mean literally screaming we know that's life at Christmas car and I'm like oh my god pay attention look them just splash and be sandy and muddy they're at the beach and it it's that kind of obsessive zeal because all of that social comparison of people wanting to put out the false self and what is narcissism false self narcissism is the false Yeah, it's a mask. It's always a mask because it's the mask of what they think the world wants, how they the world wants them to look, which is why more and more people are looking the same.

They're getting the same cosmetic procedures. They have the same bodies. They're driving the same cars. They're really sort of shills for this sort of artificial mask. That's a narcissist's game. That narcissism is the opposite of authenticity. It's so interesting because um four years ago I wrote a book called The Mask of Masculinity which which is about interesting and I interviewed a lot of psychologists and and um you know experts on uh on these kind of personality traits and these these masks that men wear. And I did I wrote about it because I realized I was wearing a mask a couple of different masks for many different years of my life to protect myself to try to fit in to try to be liked and loved by society.

Um, one of them being like the the athlete mask. It's like I always had to win at all costs. I needed to be number one. And if I ever lost or got second, then no one would ever love me. So, at all costs, I was like training and developing myself to be the best athlete I could be. And I was a horrible loser. I was a sore loser. I couldn't handle it. I would get angry. I would be like moody. I would be like frustrated and I'm not good enough.

I would beat myself up and train obsessively until I got better. until I could make sure that um you know I could put myself in a better position athletically. And there's these different masks that men wear. Um and I realized that it's all about trying to fit in. It was all about men trying to fit in and trying to belong, but it's it's not the authentic self. Correct. And that I mean that's maybe we'll have a different day I'll come in and talk to you about the authentic self because it's such a big conversation when we look at the work of Carl Rogers, right?

the humanistic psychologist and even other humanists like um Abraham Maslo. So these were the the big players in that humanistic universe. This idea of authenticity and self-actualization. So if you were to view human growth as a mountain, self-actualization is the summit. It's the top. I I can in my lifetime I've met five self-actualized people and it was unforgettable. And they were always older. I I think it's hard to self-actualize when you're younger. And they were deeply authentic. I mean like you you did feel like you were in this in the in the face of greatness with them but some from ordinary like one was a man who was a he was an auto mechanic in Johannesburg and I was like I am in the presence of absolute greatness right now.

What did that what did that feel like experience like absolute serenity um I felt it I felt at one with him at one with the situation I felt more calmed down I felt like I could keep listening to him. This was a man with almost no education who again he fixed cars in Johannesburg and actually in a pretty in a not in the nicest of surroundings and he was joy like he was just human joy and it's not cuz he was laughing but he was so proud of what and anyone looking at him like there's not a lot happening here but it was this genuine authentic like please come into my look at my beautiful space this is my life and the other person I met who same joy and that man that Johannesburg man I'm still not in touch with but this other man I am and he is somebody who had a moment in his life and he decided to devote his life to um children and families living in poverty in India and I worked with a school he was working with in India and I remember sitting with him we were kind of actually kind of sitting next to an open sewer and it smelled like an open sewer he's just chilling and I'm like I it was I could have sat there all day and it was hot and there were flies was uncomfortable and and he was magnificent and the and it wasn't just the mechanic guy wasn't out there saving the world he was fixing cars this guy happened to be doing something for a very small community in in this village in India right but he was in service the other one was not but there was such a congruence between who they were as human beings and how they conducted themselves and how they were in the world there was no sense of someone has more I want what they have someone's got it better why Is that happening?

How come they got their turn first? And I remember when I I I think about them. I have the photograph of the gentleman from Johannesburg. This other man I'm still in touch with. And I I need that to sort of try to get myself recalibrated to my center. But again, the opposite of narcissism. No mask whatsoever. They were just in themselves like what a life. Like what a gorgeous life. You mentioned the um the deep technique. Mhm. Uh, don't defend, don't engage, don't explain, don't personalize.

So, how do you argue or communicate with a narcissist to get like your point across if you need to get it across? Uh, you don't you don't you can't. So, the sometimes I tell people what is but do we life is meant to be lived in a beautiful way. Not with them. So, that we should just rip the bandage. You know what I mean? Not necess right. So, like I said, you know, let I'll give you an example, okay? Narcissistic divorce. Family court and family law is not written around saying narcissistic parents aren't good for kids.

So, if you're parenting with a narcissist, we're going to give the other parent full custody. Not happening. Yeah. State of California, 50/50. All right. Unless somebody doesn't want that. Mhm. So what happens then is a person says, "If I decide to split up from this person, I'm only going to be with my kids 50% of the time." And I don't want them with that influence 50% of the time. So some people will stay. I my favor is when people file for divorce like the day of their youngest child's 18th birthday.

I'm like, I know what that was about. You see that happen quite a bit. They literally wait till day and then at 18 those kids are free agents. So there's no no one can say you have to be here. You have to stay here. have to celebrate this holiday with that or anything and they they get to call their own shots. So, how do you So, you just have to have extreme patience. I feel like it's it's beyond patience. It's radical acceptance. Patience is endurance. Radical acceptance.

This thing sounds exhausting. Is getting it. It is absolutely exhausting. It's just knowing that this isn't going to change. You ever spent time in Chicago? I'm sure you have. Right. Go to Chicago. It's February in Chicago. Oh, it's miserable. You running? Are you going to go for a run in just your shorts and no shirt? No. Unless you're crazy. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Why? Because in February in Chicago, it's cold. Radical acceptance. Yeah. You just accept it, right? If your windows facing east and you don't want the sun to wake you up, get curtains.

Radical acceptance. You cannot talk to an auto. So, I tell people there's another concept I use is something called true north. Sometimes you have to get into the argument. True north are those things that you're going to fight for because they're so they're they're important to your core values. to who you are. For some folks, it's their kids. For some people, it may be a cause they believe in or a belief they have or they will not listen to, I don't know, prejuditial language. True North gets activated and they'll say, "I'm taking the fight." They pull off the gloves.

They pull out the they pull out earrings and then they're in. They're just they'll go at it. It is exhausting. Nothing good happens, right? But at least they can say, "I took the fight, Dr. So I could live with myself to know that I fought for myself. I stood up but but do not get into the fight about the dishwasher or well you know why were you late to the party or why were you rude to my sister or whatever. I mean if you keep taking every fight it's exhausting the minute you let go it.

You know what happens though is when a person finally gives up they're overwhelmed with grief. They're like there's no there there's nothing here. There's nothing to talk about. I can't tell them good news because they make fun of it or they dismiss it. I can't tell them bad news because they they get really angry and rageful. So, all we can really talk about is the weather. I'm like, "Uh-huh." But that's I mean, what do you do with the rest of your time? And you cultivate other stuff in your life, interests.

Can you actually can you love a narcissist or is it impossible to love? It's a subjective question, right? Love is such a complicated word. It means something different to you. It means something different me. means different things to the people out in the street. So the and that's the the bigger question I often get is can a narcissist love? Is that possible? Um it depends on besides loving themselves. What is cold to you? Right. You're in short sleeves. I'm in a sweater. Yeah. You know, so it's it's it's a subjective word.

So can a p lots of people love narcissists. They do. They like I love this person. I they represent something to me. Maybe this is where it starts getting to a philosophical question. Maybe when we love someone, it's very it's very it is very representational. We love what they stand for. We love what we believe they are, but we don't know maybe we never know someone enough to love them. So, you know, again, that's a philosophical conversation. But when it comes down to it, there are people out there who will say, "I do." They'll parents are a great example.

People have narcissistic parents like I love my mother or I love my father. I can't stand them. Sure. But love is much more metaphysical. Yeah, of course. Right. So, what's the biggest misconceptions about a narcissist? That they love themselves. They don't love themselves. Oh, hell no. It's self-loathing. This is a disorder of self-loathing. All that inadequacy and ugly insecurity. They hate themselves. But then they put it on other people. But I project it onto other people. You're a horrible, lying, disgusting person. You make me sick.

They're talking about themselves. Oh my gosh. Sometimes you just want to give them a hug. See, narcissists are miserable. They're miserable. Miserable. Miserable. It's awful. It's I actually say that the compassion we can find in ourselves is people like, I want to get revenge on them. I say you don't have to. They have to keep being them. They have to live with it. The universe wins on that one. Like they have to keep being them. It is a ve Imagine every day you're comparing yourself to everyone.

You're thinking they have that and they have that. How come I don't have this and how come this? And they're constantly anxious. They're constantly angry. They constantly feel like a victim. They feel like everyone is out to get them. That's a very difficult way to live. Their nervous system must be always heightened, too. Kind of. Kind of. Yeah. Different than their psychopathic cousins. They're obviously feel. Yeah. But narcissists really really um it's in a very uncomfortable way to live because you always feel like they always feel like they're getting the short end of the stick.

And so what are the signs then if you're a kid and you've thought one thing about your parents but all of a sudden you're starting to see like oh maybe they have a parent who's narcissistic. What would you be what would you say are the main signs if a parent for a kid would be narcissistic? I I don't think a when you let's say a child is anyone under 13. I don't even think kids start understanding that their parents are messed up until they're in around middle school or high school.

Um selfishness, um inattentive, real inattentiveness, dismissiveness, dismissiveness, um uh devaluation of their emotions, shaming them, humiliating them, expecting them to be like them, um devaluing them if they don't excel at the things they want. What do you mean you don't want to go to Harvard or like gh you want to go to that college? like any kind of contemptuous dismissiveness of their children. That's all narcissistic parent behavior. Wow. Rage. Rage is a big one. And I think that's probably the one my clients have brought. Anger, but rage like that walking on eggshells.

If anyone says to me, I felt like I was always walking on eggshells around my parent dealing with an antagonistic narcissistic parent. Yeah. I think I was telling you beforehand was I felt that for a part of my life and then things started to shift. Um, but I've definitely walked in eggshells for many relationships in the past, which makes me be like, why did I uh jump into different relationships where I felt that way, which maybe I hadn't learned to heal the past yet or I hadn't learned to but you didn't jump into a relationship.

You didn't feel it at the beginning, but it was like 6 to 12 months later when I was like justified. Then I justified, oh, let's just get back to where it was. One of the great your I would say your greatest vulnerability quite frankly to narcissistic relationship is your history as an athlete. Okay. Athletes are actually at not only great risk of being narcissistic but for falling for narcissists. And a lot of that is because for any gifted athlete. All you needed to do was work harder.

You just had to go to the gym or had to run or do whatever whatever it was you needed to do. It just meant more reps. Yes. There was always a way to make it better. you going to you're going to do the Sunday workout, you're going to go to the gym at 4 in the morning, right? And so the more in you had this belief you were you got better and you were in control. So the belief is you could extend that to anyone. I just got to talk talk to them harder.

I'm going to be more clear. I'm going to make more. Everything becomes a workout. Oh my gosh. This is what I did in the last 10 years and every relationship for the last 10 years. And I remember just being like it would never felt enough and it was always draining forgive. It was never enough what I gave. There was always something wrong with me. There was always something to pick at. Y and they never wanted to go to therapy with me. I was It was funny because I was like what meant you I don't want to generalize but I was like I'm a guy who wants to go to therapy and and get feedback from my like I'm not perfect.

Give me feedback. Tell me how to improve because I'm an athlete right? I'm like I want to improve. And they never wanted to. I was just like, I think women would kill for this, you know, for a guy who wanted to go to therapy with them. Not a narcissistic woman. Oh my gosh. But that idea of surrender is kind of actually the opposite of what an athlete is conditioned to become, right? And that's really the core of the narcissistic relationship. It's a sense of surrender. I'm not engaging with this.

I'm not doing this. It doesn't work. And then you just fold it and step away. No, it was more like I want to make this work. What can I do to make it better? How can I improve? Tell me what I can do. I'm here. I'll support, I'll do this, and then it just it drains your energy. Athletes, entrepreneurs, or anyone who's a doer and it's worked for them, they're screwed. It wasn't until I really started lifting the veil with my therapists about is like I started to really realize like, okay, I don't need to keep working, working, working.

You talked about this in one of your recent videos, like the marriage and relationships should be hard work is kind of the narrative. Mhm. And when I realized like it shouldn't feel like it should feel like commitment and there's attention and presence, but it shouldn't feel like this draining hard work. No. Otherwise, I'd rather be single if that's the way it is. Exactly. And I think that that and I have to tell you, a lot of people have had a lot of harm done to them in therapy where therapists say to them, "It's hard work.

Relationships are hard work." No, no, no, no, no. It's not. I mean, yeah. Maybe having to say no. Like having to sit through a football game you don't want to watch. I don't know that it's hard work. Like cuz they sat with and watch your French film with you. It's just an uncomfortable moment. I'm just going to read my book while you watch your football game. I guess you know it's we're good. Yeah, it's fine. I can show up for a few hours. That's not hard work.

Hard, you know, if and the other person's kind, right? Again, every healthy relationship, every healthy relationship has the same core ingredients. Kindness, compassion, patience, mutuality of regard, reciprocity, um respect, every every every single one. And as long as you got that flexibility, flexibility, no narcissistic relationship has even one of those ingredients. So that's why they don't work. They don't work. So yeah, they're always going to be hard work because you have not one of the essential ingredients. Like you're trying to make a bake a cake without flour, eggs, or sugar.

Good luck with that. Right. Oh my gosh. Um this just bringing me back to so I'm talking so many realizations. Um, how do you know when you're entering a new relationship if the person is not a narcissist? Like maybe you've been in a narcissistic relationship or your parent was or whatever it is. And you have some PTS from those experiences and you feel like, well, I'm supposed to be walking on eggshells, but I don't need to. It's kind of healthy. Like, is the shoe going to drop?

Like, when you know the person isn't a narcissist, how long does that take to find out? This episode is brought to you by Facebook. Finding the perfect secret Santa gift can be stressful. You want it to feel personal and unexpected, but not random. That's where Facebook comes in. Facebook is all about turning small moments into real, meaningful connections. Just like giving the perfect gift, it brings people together in thoughtful ways, helping us show we truly see and appreciate the people around us, whether they're co-workers, friends, or family.

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Great. That's a great example of a stress, right? How are they acting? And are they, you know, they're saying, "Oh, I'm a little worried about this, but we're going to make it work." And listen, what's the worst is going to happen? We'll get rebooked. And they're calm and like, you know, listen, I'm just glad to be here with you. Like, we'll figure it out. Yeah. We'll go to an airport hotel if we have to. Well, we're going to be fine. A narcissist when they're running late to the airport.

Oh. Oh, no. No, no, no. So, and it just it's just I I'm not going to curse, but it's chaos, stress, accusations. This is your fault, entitlement. Let me speak to the manager. Get me on that plane. Get that plane back to the gate. Like that kind that's the narcissist, right? Whereas with the um with somebody, you watch them. And it doesn't have to be something as dramatic as the airport. It could be even something like, "Hey, I noticed you've been working late. How about I make some dinner?" So, it's the noticing, it's the presence, it's the mindfulness, it's the willingness to be flexible and make compromise when it's needed.

Um to meet you halfway, to um to um listen to you and more than anything is to also see the growth potential in you. So, not to be threatened by your own success. So, if you go up to this person and you're like, "Hey, you know what? I got this totally cool new opportunity." And the healthy person says, "That is amazing. You have worked your whole life. I saw this in you. What can we do to make this work for you?" Whereas everybody else, and not just narcissists, but insecure people will say, "Oh, I guess that's just going to mean more time away and you're going to be traveling a lot and there's going to be a lot of women on the road." And you're like, "Oh my gosh, they just got the job of their dreams.

Oh my gosh." And that's bringing back so many memories to me. That's the key. And I'm a big believer that, you know, there's actually something in we're I'm going a little off topic, but you're off-topic guy. You can handle it. There's something called the Michelangelo phenomenon, and it's a big relationship theory in. Is there is there a graph for this? I was going to say I want to use the I'm trying to point. I want to use this. So the Michelangelo phenomenon is this idea that the um one person in the relationship sees the absolute potential in the other in such a way that they say what do we need to do to get you to your dream?

Like do we need to should we like should we take a second on the house? Should we cut back? You know do should we move closer in? like because I see or or you know what it could be as simple as simple as they eat a cake that their partner made and said, "Okay, this is the best cake I've ever had. Have you ever thought of making this into a business?" Or a partner of yours might have said, "You ask the most amazing questions. You need a podcast." Like it's seeing that something bigger in the person.

That's a good thing. That's that's the Michelangelo phenomena. That's everything. That's a good thing. It's the best thing. And very few relationships get that because what you've got to do is that person who's saying go be your best you is secure enough to say I'm not going to lose you like I see all the good in you and that and I want the best for you and I believe in you and I'm here with you and and that might even mean the person encouraging you might have to make sacrifice things like you know I know that you're going to have to go take this course for six months and I may not see you and that's okay because this is our future together.

That's the Michelangelo phenomenon. Never ever what's the opposite of narcissistic relationship? Cuz I um man, I think I've I'm just having so many realizations here, but I um in in the previous I would say 10 years of my relationships. I think I was just really good at choosing uh specific people because I was always like I always saw the masterpiece. And I said I said you're a masterpiece and I can see what's possible for you with all these skills and gifts, but there was like some insecurities with some of them, not all of them.

Um, and they never were able to see it within themselves. They they weren't able to see it. And then I remember when I would accomplish something big in some of these relationships, not all of them, it was almost like they would get depressed or sad and say, "Oh," and then make it about what they're lacking, what they don't have, and wanting to put their attention back on them. I remember I I got an email for a year. I was training to become uh to make the uh USA national team.

Was a dream of mine to go to the Olympics and make the USA national team for a sport called team handball which a big sport in Europe, not that big in USA. I remember getting an email and literally almost in tears that I was selected for the USA team and it was just like a dream for a couple years of a journey. This is 10 years ago. And I remember I I showed my girlfriend at the time. I go, I just got called up on the national team.

And I'm like getting kind of emotional, just chills now back in that moment. And she didn't congratulate me. She just kind of went back into, God, I wish I was doing what I wanted to do and I wish there was this. And I was just like, what? Bingo right there. Just, okay, well, yeah, let me come back and help you. I kind of put my attention back on like, you know, you're going to get these things going and you know, I'm here for you. But it's like this diminishing I had this happen at one of my big events one time.

I host this annual event called the summit of greatness and uh a relationship out of the time made it all about them at the event that I wasn't there for them because the attention was on me and people were coming up to me and I was like this is something I've been working all year to host and then I said you know what let me pause in my event for two hours to give the attention to this person and I and I was always trying to see the masterpiece but it's like I don't know I'm like you're having so many realizations for me right yeah I mean but that's the idea that that ego and it's interesting not everyone who's not capable of this sort of Michelangelo phenomenon in a relationship is a narcissist by any stretch they may just have more of the lowgrade insecurity that so many people are plagued by right insecurity doesn't mean narcissism right insecurity paired with all this entitlement and lack of empathy and all of that is the problem and so it's so unfortunate because it is there then you again was talking about self-actualization for the individual I think there can even be actualization in relationships where two people like They really see they see the greatness in each other.

It can't just be you the only one seeing the masterpiece. They have to see the masterpiece in you. What? Because it's just draining. Yeah. If it's just one person, right? It's also a mirror that's not reflecting back at you. H Yeah, man. This is crazy. So, what I'm hearing you say, the ultimate experiment in a relationship is when both parties are seeing the masterpiece in each other and are supportive of each other. And when one is succeeding, uh the person I'm with right now, she's incredible.

She's just uh a walking success. Everything she does is just successful. I'm so happy for her. I want her to succeed. I'm like, "This is amazing. Let's celebrate you." And she's happy for you. She's happy for me. There you go. That's It has to be a two-way street. She's like, "You're crazy." She, you know, she admires the work I'm doing. She admires the mission we're on to help people. And uh she's like, "What can I do to support you?" It feels interesting. I mean it feels beautiful.

Yeah, it is beautiful. I mean and that that's the key though because that ability to sort of co- like you again to have that that um that colllocated growth that Michelangelo if you will. you you're in essence you're you're realizing the statue from the raw piece of marble every day and you're both sculpting that for the gosh it's beautiful you know but that that's again no narcissistic relationship is like that and with a narcissistic relationship it's really the them show like everyone is just sort of in the audience watching them and celebrating them they can so they can be the only great one in a relationship really so is it possible that two narcissists would be in a relationship together I actually love when that happens.

So, it kind of gets out of water supply for everybody else. I go with each other. They're like perfect for each other. Here's what it is. They're very volatile relationships. They're very superficial relationships. A lot of people who are power couples, that's sometimes what you're seeing like this kind of they're all about the they're only about the aspiration. They're not about the empathy. But in any relationship of two narcissists as soon as somebody doesn't stay in their lane. So let's say one classical trope of two narcissists in a relationship very one partner very wealthy very powerful very successful the other one very beautiful looks good goes places with this one looks good with them it it all looks good together like ish compliment's a strong word the first time this one though might look someplace else cuz this one's a narcissist person this person the powerful one is narcissistic may notice someone else this person's going to blow up because They're they're doing their beautiful thing full-time and they're like, "How can someone be more?" If you're not looking at me obsessive, then you're not giving me all the attention.

Lots of jealousy, lots of volatility, lots of me me, lots [clears throat] of egocentricity, lots of on social media, it's like I'm so blessed, # love my person, # best relationship ever. Um, I mean, I I laugh when I see that cuz I'm like, yeah, there we go. you know, another narciss super narcissistic relationship where it's all about advertising the relationship, but it's very superficial, very volatile, no empathy. There's no depth to the intimacy. It's almost transactional. That that's what happens when two narcissists get together.

I honestly would be fine with all the narcissists pairing up like Noah's are as long as none of them have kids because that's a real does a real on the kids. You're messed. Yeah, you're traumatized. It's a really empty way to grow up. Those kids that grow up either they either become incredibly anxious as adults or they become narcissistic as adults. It's not a good it's not a good look. I don't know if I'm inspired by this conversation or depressed. Yeah. How many what's the percentage how many uh what's the percentage of people in the world who are narcissists?

Do we have that even? Okay. So, here's here's where it gets interesting. So, let's let's start with something we haven't talked about yet. So, like give me a way to talk about this. A lot of people use the word narcissistic p or the term narcissistic personality disorder. I actually think it's phenomenal that you haven't been using it because it's a mistake to use that languaging and I'll tell you why. Narcissistic personality personality disorder. Okay. So lots of people out there will say I'm in this relationship or I've got this boss and they have narcissistic personality disorder.

I'm always like slow down sister. Okay. Because narcissistic personality disorder, like all diagnoses, require a full workup, a lengthy clinical interview. It even takes me I I'll be honest with you, if I have a client in my office, usually takes me four to six sessions to be confident that that's what I'm dealing with with a disorder because you could have narcissistic personality traits. Correct. It's different than different. And it gets into the weeds in terms of diagnostic stuff you don't want. It could be like more like when I'm triggered, I have narcissistic traits as opposed to it's more complex than that because it's that in order to give someone a diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the DSM, in order to give someone a diagnosis, that person who is showing the symptoms has to either be uncomfortable themselves, like we call it subjective distress, like depressed people are like they're like, I'm miserable.

I can't I'm miserable. I'm sad all the time. I can't get out of bed. That's subjective distress. Or they have to have something called social and occupational impairment, meaning that the symptoms are getting in the way of their lives in a way that they're aware of, right? It's causing problems for them. Where this gets dicey with narcissistic personality is that first of all, a lot of narcissists are on top of the world. They think their lives are great. They walk around, I'm I'm the one. I'm the guy.

I'm I'm, you know, the one. I'm the best. Look how great I am. Got money. I've got success. I've got the girl. Whatever it is, it's working for them. So, everything's working for them. So, that's both subjective to social and occupational impairment. Now, in some cases, they may be having trouble at work. And then, yeah, sure, they'll meet that criterion. But for a lot of folks just walking around on the street, they're making they're making bank at work. They got they got a partner and a a side piece.

Like, everything's working out for them. So, they don't even think they're having that impairment. But what they're doing is they're blowing up other people's lives. Oh yeah. We as therapists cannot issue a diagnosis of social we can't say that they have social and occupational impairment because they're someone else is bothered by them. Make sense? Yeah. It has to be in the um it has to be that the person is saying ah I'm not I'm not going to work on time or I got a DUI. Those are examples of social and occupational impairment or behavioral impairment.

I personally think they need to get rid of the diagnosis. I think it's worth nothing. It's a diagnosis with no treatment. So why would you have a disease that you can't treat? There's no point to that. So let's Okay, so now let's go to the numbers because the the epi ep epidemiological studies are studies that tell us the number of people or the percentage of people who have a um a mental illness, a given disorder. Gotcha. So the epidemiology statistics on narcissistic personality disorder put the rate somewhere between 1 and 6%.

Okay, that's people who are diagnosed with this. Diagnosed with this. Okay. So, they've gone into research studies. Most people aren't diagnosed because they would never come in and do these sessions. And so, the million-dollar question, how many do you think? What I This is my number. This is the Dr. Romany number. Okay. I'm going with 20 to 25%. Oh. Of the world or of the US or the world? One in five to one in four. So, one in five is probably and I'm saying adults. Let's take the kids.

Okay. So 18 and above 20%. That would make it one in five. And I would tell you in a major metro like LA, I'm going to 25%. I think that just the pressures of especially New York LA, LA being an entertainment city, um the nature, the sort of the the it's a company town and the business of the town is very superficial and very validation seeking. So I'd say 25% here. So that's one in five. So buddy, if you know five people, one of them's narcissistic.

When do you know someone is not a narcissist? What are the the qualities that they possess? The real qualities. It's it's it's empathy. Empathy, kindness, respect, flexibility, self-awareness, um the capacity to reflect on their impact on other people. Um uh emotional regulation. Um managing this is more of the emotional regulation like managing negative states like frustration and disappointment. Um genuine curiosity about others. Setting goals from an internal space rather than what they think the world expects of them. Having strong having a strong sense of identity.

Um a sense of who they are. Having a a having a solid sense of values. Um conscientiousness. agreeableness. These are the things that make a person not narcissistic. It's nice to be around those two people. Oh, they're so good. And I I'm I feel blessed. I have I have a fair number of those in my life, but I'm very careful. Like I curate my world the way some people curate their closets. Like I don't I and I've made them as recently as this year I've let more than a few in.

So it happens narcissistic people in. Yeah. I'm getting, you know, and I got to tell you, it just means that people who've been through what's called narcissistic abuse or all the negative psychological impacts of being in a narcissistic relationship, one thing I work with people on is just narrowing their social world. Like, it's it's unfortunately at one in five, what are the odds, right? They're pretty darn good. You date five people, one of them. And depending on what swimming pool you're pulling these people out of, it could be one in three.

Oh my gosh, I'm going to make so many memories. Um I want Yeah, this is for a whole another conversation off camera why I think I attracted some of these things. Um this is fascinating. What um so even you you've attracted people in your life 100%. And I know what my vulnerabilities are. I'm very aware of it. My my personal vulnerabilities are things like a um I devalue myself. I feel like I'm not enough. I um I uh pity people kind of easily and so narcissists actually are pitiful people and that pity can sometimes drive me to say maybe I should try harder.

So at this point in my life I'm closed off in a way that actually sometimes makes me feel guilty and I'm like yeah that if that's if that's the price of poker I I'm good. Like I don't I I've been through too much too many times at this rodeo that I don't want to do it. So, it's definitely my own lack of um valuing of myself is what's made me vulnerable to narcissism. I boiled this down to one simple thing is that I feel like I'm not good enough because I feel like I'm not good enough.

I let those kinds of people in. So, what I found unfortunately is that it's just better off to close the gates and um not let anyone in and not let anyone in. Unfortunately, yeah, that's kind of the downstream effect. Or I mean, would you say the greatest defense against attracting narcissism is to fully love yourself? It's to fully love yourself, to be deeply authentic. I consider myself authenticish, authentic adjacent. But I know I've got a ways to go because I still struggle with the monkey on my back of feeling like I'm I'm not enough kind of really.

Yeah. And I know that and that's I work on my in my own therapy on that consistently. And um but it's a I know where my barriers are. So, anything that pings that it's it's great. It's interesting. I've got my staff is fantastic. I mean, and they're much younger than me. This is what's so remarkable about it. They actually act like guard dogs. They're like, we feel like one's coming. No. And I'll be like, I kind of feel bad for them. Like, good for you. Go feel bad in another room.

We're not letting them in. So, they're they're I mean, they're these two are gangster. I mean, they're the two most amazing young women. Yeah. Mhm. So, what's the key uh to learning how to love ourselves fully so that we don't so that when we see someone coming in, we just say, "Nah, we're okay. We don't need to let you into our life." So, let's go back to the Carl Rogers, the humanist I was talking about before. It's to lift the conditions of worth from our lives.

That we are lovable and cherishable simply because we are. I mean, we could get totally into a different conversation about we're all made of energy. Who judges energy, right? Like, you know, we're all lovable because we're this the stuff of life, you know, we're and that makes us beautiful and lovable. We're and so it's who said this? Carl Rogers talks about conditions of worth. Dr. Romney says and many others I do believe say we're energy like who judges energy? It's like judging the sun. I guess we do.

Like we wear sunscreen. Right. Right. Right. But you know what I mean? Like it's a these conditions of worth like whatever people say to themselves. I'm not attractive enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not rich enough. I'm not accomplished enough. I'm not this enough. I'm not that enough. That those conditions of worth. If I'm I would be lovable if as soon as you put love and if in the same sentence, you're screwed. Wow. So, it's very much like dropping all that and saying you're lovable because you are.

Everyone is lovable. Everyone is cherishable. All of us. Not because somebody's more beautiful or somebody's more famous or somebody's more attractive. it's not or or rich or something like that. But it's hard because we're given the message of you're better if you look this way, act this way, do this way, live here, drive this. It's it's a lot to break out of. And so I think that um and those narratives even go deeper than materialism. It's almost like as a kid many kids were were t were they almost felt like you grow up with a parent who's not attentive in any way or not interested of well I'm not they're not paying attention because I'm not interesting.

I'm not enough and I get attention when I excel in something that they like and so let me do more of that to get more attention. Exactly. And if I lose at that then they're not going to love me. Yeah. That's exactly right. So it all becomes like people think like if I do these things then I can be loved rather than you're just lovable. And so that's the um that that's where people most people lose the plot. And and I think the other piece though is people don't understand narcissism.

I think that a lot of people say, "Oh, come on now. Everyone can change or someh just they I I just got to get to know them better or they don't really mean that. We enable it. We justify it." But if people really got to learn like no, that's unacceptable. That tantrum they just threw not okay. that that that entitled behavior not okay. I and honestly get to the point where I don't care why they're behaving like this, they're behaving like this. So, how do you create boundaries with a narcissist?

It's not easy. I mean, I think that the nar narcissistic people, the the key with a narcissistic person is to detect it early. Set boundaries early because then they get interest disinterested and they walk away, right? You're not an easy mark anymore, right? So, charm and charisma come walking in the door. I'm I think I'm the only person in the world who's telling people if you meet someone charming and charismatic, run away. Like get away from them. This is dangerous. But are there some people that are charming and charismatic who aren't narcissistic?

Yeah, but I I'm I'm like I'm I'm all about throwing the baby out with the bathroom. All out. So it's a um because charming, charismatic people, I would say then always make sure they have humility. There you go. If you have the humility back, that's the unicorn. That's when you're like, they're charming and they're humble. Humble and they're all they're all that they're incredible and they're like, "Listen, you know, I'm great. Can you just tell me about you a little bit? Talk a little bit about you." Um there's a keeper in your life.

Yeah, that's a keeper. Or they you can see how they're talking to other people, their interest in other people. They're not talking down to people maybe because let's say they're in a service position that evening, right? that they're not and not in a smarmy like h the server is my best friend, but like they're not like that. It's none of that. It's really like, oh, let me wait for the server to come along and see if I can get or whatever. They they're just really they're present in a situation.

They're not elitist. They're not status conscious. That that kind of humility, you know, that they don't brag, you know, that they're all that and they're not going on about how all that that they are. That's cool. Mhm. They're not talking about, "Oh, let me tell you about my new this and my new that and this accomplishment and my No, they're they're just they're actually able to be with you, be present with you." It's rare because again, people who are that hyped up, they're hyped up from all sides.

You have to be really resistant, authentic, self-actualized to not to not drink the Kool-Aid. Yeah. What else do we need to know about narcissists? Is there anything else you think that's important for us? I think that um one in five of your friends is a narcissist. I mean again if we're using this number of 20%. Okay, which I don't think is a bad number to be honest with you. I think that just in ter I mean it's it's a spitball number and it's it's just sort of boil boiled up in this world and it may be a bourbon myth.

I don't know. It's it's hard to get good data on this, right? You know, it's it's the assessment of narcissism is one of the hardest things in the business of measurement and psychology because who's going to be honest about it, right? There's all these back doors we try to do to figure it out. But I'd say the other things and let's talk a little bit about what happens to a person who's been in a relationship with a narcissist because I think that we've been talking we so much focus on the narcissist.

The question is what if I've just been through this? Does it is there a sense of PTS that you're going to face? A lot of PTS you'll see it's a there's confusion, self-doubt, a sense of powerlessness, helplessness, sometimes even hopelessness, anxiety, a lack of not feeling motivated anymore, a sort of sense of like I can't be bothered with life, rumination, regret, something we call euphoric recall. You remember the good parts of the relationship and say why can't we have that part again? I'm like well no because that part wasn't really real.

Wasn't real. It was like this explosive um it's with people have physical symptoms. They have trouble sleeping because of the rumination. They um they might find themselves engaging in less behaviors that are involved like self-care behaviors we call them like things like um working out or eating well or even taking their medications on time. They just almost let themselves go because being in these relationships is just basically like completely being, you know, overwhelmed by them. So people aren't in good shape when they're coming out of these relationships because they start beating themselves up.

How could I stay in this? What was I thinking? An idiot. You know, worst part. It's the self-lame and the self-shame because the self-lame is this is my fault. I'm the one who stayed. I should have known. I'm I'm I'm an And then I I'm a fool. And then they a lot of people go back. Why? Right. So here why? Because they think there Let's talk a little bit. I want my whiteboard. I got to use the whiteboard. So, here we go. So, let's talk about the narcissistic relationship cycle.

Okay. Step one is something called I write it down. I'll lift it up. Love bombing. Okay. Okay. Love bombing is that big seductive exciting experience that happens early in a relationship. The we have a magical connection. Let's have a picnic on the beach. Wild and crazy sex. texting for 12 hours straight. Good morning, princess. Good night, my darling. Uh, let's take a vacation for our third date. I want you to meet all my friends. I'm so into you. Let's move in after a month. My lease is up.

Lovebombing. It's exciting. It's intoxicating. It's seductive. And what it does, it's a narcissist ground game. That's how they're able to get you to not notice all the red flies because you're so focused on the 10 dozen roses on your doorstep that you're getting or the unreal sex you're having or these amazing like constantly being these text messages or being going to San Francisco on your fourth date, you know, and you're thinking like, okay, red what red flags? I'm having Yeah. The minute the narcissist knows they've got you, when you kind of let down your guard, because some people are like, "This seems too good to be true." And then they're like, "Okay, I love you, too.

I I I'm boom, that's the day self-c devaluing starts." Okay. Now, devaluing is characterized by invalidation, little digs, like um oh gosh, you know, my ex-girlfriend could cook. Um or you know, it's like the digs. It's it's little, it's subtle. You're like, how where did this go? Like, where's where's this? Because it's not feeling so good. And people in devaluing are confused as heck. They're thinking, how do I get back here? Now, they start blaming themselves because it was this, now it's this. It must be me.

Oh my gosh. Okay. Now then we I just feel like you're going through my life right now. Okay. We go to something called the discard. Now the discard is not always a breakup. Is this is this where like they won't speak to you for two weeks? It's the silent treatment. It's the um it's the deeper level manipulation. It could be infidelity. It could be significant lying. It could be um even sometimes even the other person leaves the relationship at this point like the not narcissistic person leaves like I'm out.

I can't do this. And then comes a phase oh my gosh called I'm going to write it and then unveil it to you. Very lovebombing of me. Hoovering. Hoovering is when the narcissist tries to suck you back in. They don't like to lose. And in the majority of cases, once after the discard, they're woo back. Try to woo you back. Love bombing part two. Now, love bombing part two is never as heavy as love bombing part one. It's always love bombing light the second time around.

But it'll be like seductive. It's a maybe what was I thinking? You're the best thing that ever happened to you. This could be because they cheated on you, right? And they say things like you're so much better. And you know what? People fall for that because that's that triangulation dynamic. that idea very edible that you're the favored child, that you're the favored one. And the hoovering is I'm choosing you. Then in the h part of the hoovering is a dynamic called you're going to love this one is my guess after what the way you've been putting future faking.

Okay, future faking is uh no, as soon as this deadline is done, we're going to or I'm going to get therapy or I know let's just put it off for another six months. For sure, I'm going to do it. And they keep moving the goalposts. Ah, and future faking is what keeps people in the game because they're like they're promising the thing you want six months. We're going to have kids. Yeah, for sure. You know, like I just need to get my career established and now you're 50 and you don't have kids.

Or we're going to, you know, we're going to definitely move closer to your parents. I know we had talked about moving back there and I know you said there's some better opportunities for you. You're you're waiting. Or I'm going to get into therapy. I'm going to work on these anger issues. And then if you push it, God, you know what? You're really impatient. You're like, you are not a nice person and just see what I'm going through in my life and I need time. Yeah, that's the cycle of every narcissistic relationship.

Not everybody gets hoovered. Okay. Sometimes the narcissist moves into something else and then they they're done. And so people sometimes feel bad if they're not hoovered. They're like, "What's wrong with me?" It doesn't always happen. And consider yourself lucky. I always say the lucky are not hoovered because then it goes back to it go the cycle goes again and again and again. So what is hoovering again? Hoovering is when they try to woo you back in cycle they bring you back in and they'll do that if let's say they're the one who left you.

Okay. And you finally start getting your life in order and maybe you're dating someone else and they find that's when they want you back. They just want to mess your stuff up or you're in a good place. You got a job you want. They don't want you happy. They don't like losing and they don't like the idea of anyone else winning. It's all about domination. Oh my gosh. Mhm. Okay. Mhm. So, I tell people like maybe you could get a good a good trip to San Francisco and a couple of flowers and get out and then get out like before you get in too deep.

But if that happens where they'll give you like a month or six weeks or two months of love bombing on you and then you're like, you know what, they can get mad. I'm not in the right place. This isn't for me. like it's not you, it's me. I'm not ready. They're going to get mad. So either way, once you get in once you go on the first weekend love bomb extravaganza, you're you're kind of sunk. Yeah. Cuz And they actually Yeah. They want to get out.

You got the first weekend. You want to get out. I listen here's an interesting tell on narcissistic people. And it's it applies more in LA than in a place like New York. They um they they drive really badly. They drive dangerously. They cut people off and they come up on their bumpers and they cut people off on the freeway. And that's actually been uh documented in So a narcissist is a bad driver. Bad driver. Dangerous driver. Not bad. Not like dumb driver. Fast. Cut people off.

Hong Kong roady driver. Yeah. Oh my god. Got to use the whiteboard. I like it. Anything else we should use on there? You got another graph or a diagram? I love this stuff. I love this. Um this is fascinating. Um, anything else we should talk about? Last thing. Yes, give it to me. Gaslighting. Oh, I wanted to ask that. I had a question. Okay. So, gaslighting is the word of our time. And if nothing else, I want you. Your podcast is so amazing that I want to make sure that people get things right here.

So, what is gaslighting? Gaslighting is the denial of a person's reality and the taking apart of another person so that they have completely not only given up on their reality, they've given up on themselves. So, let me say that in a little bit more of a clear way. Gaslighting is a grooming process. It's not a oneoff, right? So, let's say a day like today, we'd set up our shoot and everything and I were to say, um, uh, and we we had our time, we're going to meet the date, and I said, "You never said we're meeting on that date." And you'd be like, "What?" And then you go back to your email and say, "No, it's right there." Right?

But for a minute, you might have doubted yourself. I don't have that much power to gaslight you because we don't really know each other. Maybe you trust me a little, but it would be enough to throw you off for a minute. Say, "Did I not did I not send that email right?" and you you catch yourself. Okay. The reason it's called a grooming process is it happens over and over again. I never said that. I never did that. You're being too sensitive. Stop making such a big deal about that.

You really aren't committed to this relationship. And they keep saying things to you that are not your reality. So, what do people do when they're gaslights initially? They defend themselves. No, no, no. You did. You really did. Like, you said that. Or I I'm not being too sensitive. And now you're getting more more and more worked up, right? And then you know they'll say things to you like, "Oh yikes, somebody is a little bit crazy." Like, "Have you seen a therapist?" So now what are they doing?

Not only they doubted your reality and you're a little off balance, then boom, they they close it by saying, "There's something wrong with you." And you start believing it. Oh wow. Many people are gaslighted will start wondering maybe I'm the narcissist. Maybe I have a mental illness. Maybe I need to get help. there's something wrong with me. And at that point, the gaslighter fully controls this person. Oh my gosh. That's the process. And so, but the initially the ga the person who's being gaslighted has some level of trust in the gaslighter.

Maybe they're in a new relationship together. Maybe this is a family member. Maybe it's a boss or a respected colleague. You got to have a little of that from the jump. There has to be some skin in the game for someone to be able to gaslight someone. Then they're groomed. Now, let's say the first time someone gaslights you, say, "Uh, no, here's the email. This is the time you said we're meeting, and don't ever do that to me again." The gaslighter's probably going to move on to a new target.

They'll stop with you. Yeah. Because Yeah. So, they'll say like, "This is not a fertile target. I'm going to move on to another one." Right. But, so early on when a person or a person says, "You're being too sensitive." Say, "No, that's my emotion. Don't you dare play judge and jury on my emotions. I'm sad right now. I'm gonna stick with that. That's what I'm talking about. That's a good one. Right. So, and and then the gaser will probably lose interest and but they'll always get their last digging.

They'll say, "She's just a really difficult person." So, they'll still have to get their parting shot and say, "I I'll wear that as a badge of honor." But you But you look how solid you have to be in yourself and understand gaslighting. In fact, I'm doing a gaslighting seminar on Saturday. Literally three hours all gaslighting because that's how much people are confused by this. It happens at work. It happens in families. It happens in intimate relationships. It happens from the world at large. Like no, every everyone can every all the playing field's equal.

And then the people are like, it can't be equal cuz I can't catch up. So the first time you feel like someone's gaslighting you, what should you say without them saying cuz I feel like this has happened to me in a previous relationship where I'd be like, "No, I never said that." And then it was like they bring up three other things that were unrelated to try to confuse and be like, "Well, you this, this, this, this." And I'll be like, "Well, just focus on the one thing we're talking about." And so I have to go to, you know, go around all these other things and talk about them where I forget what we were talking about in the first place.

That's gaslighting. That all that deflection. It's very exhausting. It's like, let's just focus on this thing. So, a great example, a gaslighting thing that people will do is they will say something like, um, in a relationship and, you know, I'm really uncomfortable with how much time you've been spending with that person and there's been a lot of communication between the two of you, like it it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good to me. This feels shady. It feels like a boundary violation. Like, this isn't okay.

They'll hit back with let's go back to when you were in college and you and you're like wait and then you know what I tell people have a whiteboard say okay I'm going to table that let's we'll get to that let's write that down I don't want us to not talk about it back to the original issue so keep going back to the original go back to the original issue until they have a discussion resolve they'll get mad and they won't discuss so how do you find resolve you don't find resolve and use relationships there's no resolve there is no closure and that's the radical acceptance.

Oh my gosh. So, you just got to accept this person isn't going to have these conversations. This person's not going to have rationality for certain things. It's going to be their way or the highway and they won't be flexible. Nope. And you've either got to live with it and accept it for a certain period of time or you can choose to move on. Right. But being in an argument is only going to make your life go. Correct. And you might say like that seems lonely. Yeah.

And so I have worked with people who have stayed in long-term narcissistic relationships, who have done everything from get very involved in like a religious community, church community, something like that to um do a lot of things with their friends, really build friendships. Unless the narcissist tries to control them, hang out with friends. If you have a controlling narcissist, none of this will work. Like malignant narcissist, it won't work. um if they um you know but if you can build out friendships if you can build out colleial relationships if you're working um church community um some people do this in online communities if they're not able to easily get out of the house and have friendships that way develop hobbies they care deeply about a garden building something whatever their groove is music something like that I've known people that have lovers you know to say like I haven't my body hasn't been touched in 15 years and so they'll do that and they'll say I I felt a a little guilty, but they're having sex with other people.

I haven't been touched. And they're like, you know, I know I'm not and they said like, I know I'm not very attractive, but they found everyone's got someone. Everyone finds someone and they find their someone. And so, I've heard it all. I've heard people do all kinds of things finding their way um finding their way to get that support on the um when they're not being uh when when they have to stay because that's where you get ungaslighted, right? Person saying, "No, that's not that's not okay or this person's conduct isn't okay." Um, but I think where most people destroy themselves is they're like a moth to flame.

They're like, "I can fix this." And I'm telling you here, you can't stop trying to fix it. Stop trying to fix it. It's just not gonna work. That was probably my challenge is I wanted to fix which again, your athletic background, it makes sense. I mean, the people who have had a track record of being able to get things done, they're the ones who are very vulnerable to staying in these relationships too long. I think I was attracted to it and then then wanted to stay in it and then I was just like it just becomes exhausting when it's a full energy on someone else opposed to a a combination of let's work together on a shared vision towards our relationship towards life not all the energy in one place.

Correct. Correct. And it's it's very it is very draining. And I think a lot of people do feel like, you know, a good relationship is me doing everything they ask or catering to them. No, relationship. Yeah. Being unselfish. No, it's about give and take. I'm not saying transactional give and take. It's that you feel supported enough that when they say, "Hey, do you mind going to this this dinner for work?" And you're like, "Of course, I'll go to that dinner for work." Because you care about them.

And even if you both think it's ridiculous, you're kind of giggling at each other or, you know, having fun with it. is that you understand that there's a give and take and you give graciously and the other person gives graciously. This isn't just about, you know, grinding your teeth and, you know, being irritated. You have to go, but really that that giving with grace. But at the I'll be frank with you. It really comes down though to finding somebody who has a good personality that it's not it's and I keep using those word agreeableness, right?

Being agreeable. Being agreeable. And that's actually a personality style. How do you know when someone's agreeable? All those things I talked about flexibility and warmth and kindness. Just the time seeing it over time and seeing their words from their actions. Agreeable men make less money. The research has shown that pretty clearly. Bless their hearts. And so for everyone out there who wants somebody who's got the money and the stuff, the pro probability that that person's going to be agreeable is a lot lower. So you just need to find a unicorn.

Someone who's agreeable and who has money. And I have not. You've never seen that? Very. I know. Yes, I have. I can think of one person off the top of my head. Okay. Billionaire, most agreeable man in the world. Sweet. Sweetie married to a raging narcissist. He's a darling. Darling. Oh man. But just gets walked all over in his relationship. Oh my god. Beyond walked all over. But in his business, he can go and have killed it. He can be assertive and Yeah. I've met I've met a few agreeable um rich folks.

I I mean really and not just rich like really good at what they do. They unicorns like they they definitely um but what was interesting you know with some of the a couple of these folks the agreeable very wealthy at the end of their career they got taken down. They got like people in the company they they were a soft target. They were the vulnerable targets. They built the company and they're gonna we're going to take the equity from them or they're going to be able to blame or they did they got a group of people because they weren't willing to fight for what they Well, they were no they weren't willing to be disagreeable.

They just wanted to keep the peace at all costs or and because they were they were collaborative people. They actually thought they were bringing up the next generation. It's interesting because man over the last decade I really started doing a lot of healing work when I turned 30. I was I've talked about this many times on my show. um that I was sexually abused when I was five by a man that I didn't know. Mhm. And um it definitely shaped a part of me for my life until I started to uh heal that that process and really go through a healing journey of you know the shame that I felt for so long, the guilt, the insecurity, the not feeling enough or not feeling lovable, all these different things and to kind of reshaping the story, the narrative and finding the u the value in the process and in the the pain I guess and really finding the value from 25 years of holding it in and it's channeling it saying how can I be of service at a greater level how can I use this to support other men who have gone through sexual abuse and that's why I wrote the book the masculine man masculine yeah one in six men have been sexually abused one in four women obviously and uh what I always tell people is that you know men just don't talk about it you know and then they hold it in and then they be become angry or reactive or rageful or you dismissive or whatever it is, they have put a mask on and um you know that shame causes that mask.

At least it did for me and a lot of men I've talked to. So um I can't remember where I was going with this, but for for many years I I had to learn how to kind of unwind and heal that process. And and it's it's been a beautiful journey of healing where I can because I used to be very competitive. It was like I had to win at all costs. And now I'm like, well, that didn't work for me. You know, it got me results, but it left me feeling empty and alone and unfulfilled and I didn't have peace because I always needed a win.

Then I started transitioning when I hit 30 to I just want to collaborate and I just want to support others and work together and it feels a lot more peaceful inside and fulfilling. What do you think the function was of trying to win? Oh, to get love and be accepted. To get love and be accepted. I was gonna say maybe to be safe. To get love. To be accepted. to feel like I was Yeah. to fit in, you know, cuz I didn't feel like I had any friends growing up.

So, it was like, well, if I win, people recognize me and they like me, right? Right. And I'm desirable, right? Mhm. If I lose, then who wants to be, you know, around me? Yeah. And then the shame gets activated. But it's also safety. And that's why that idea if I win I'm safe. That's the ultimate get for any human to be safe. I'm not alone. If I if I'm accepted, I'm safe. If I'm loved, I'm safe. And it's funny when when I moved into and Jay Shetty talks about this a lot.

I talk with Jay about this. He's like just being in collaboration is the key. And I was like I know that's what I feel like for the last eight years because you're safe when you're still collaborating. You're still with people. You're helping each other accelerate together, right? But there's a fe there's a fear. And I think one of the big impediments to collaboration is the sense that others will leave you behind. So if you become an island unto yourself, you feel safer, right? So I think that's often a a blockade.

And then I'm at the top of the mountain. Everyone else is down. Yes. If they leave you, it's not even the It's not the collaboration that's the issue. It's the potential for abandonment. Interesting. Like if I'm if I'm in this business like the billionaire friend, I'm at the top, but then I collaborate with others, but then they take it all and they leave me behind. That's well they they took it all away. I mean, this was somebody and that that that man, the agreeable billionaire was collaborative from the day one of his career.

So, how do you stay collaborative and live in abundance and want others to win around you, but also not get taken advantage of? It's not easy. It's with the one in five number I'm giving you. It's not easy. I mean, it is, you know, what what is the be the best offense is a good defense. You better have a good defense. Get your contracts in order. Get contracts in order. Document um don't put your head in the sand. I mean, a lot the reason narcissism has proliferated the way it has is enabling.

People keep giving it a free pass. Oh, come on now. You know, don't what is it? Don't don't hate the player, hate the game. Is that how that works? Right. And Yeah. So, it's it's a player. Yeah. No. So, like it's it's a we have all this kind of culture around and in some ways people like want to see they they the the best example I can give is that people hate the idea. When we see a magician do a trick, we know they didn't do magic.

We know they had something up their sleeve, but we want to believe it's magic because that makes the world seem more interesting. With narcissists, we want to believe in the magic. Want to believe they're we want to believe that they're going to be we want to believe that this charismatic person doesn't really is real. That they're that someone this larger than life is larger than life rather than an ordinary person who who's just has ordinary things and could fall and you know and um we want superheroes.

We want it's why we've always written myths as a species, but the myths should remain stories, not the person who's trying to scream at you from the other cubicle. I'm read you've got uh some great books. Thank you. Don't you know who I am? How to stay sane in an era of narcissism, entitlement, and incivility. Um and you've also got another book called Should I Stay or Should I Go? I'm just laughing because of all my experiences in my life. Should I stay or should I go?

Surviving a relationship with a narcissist. It just feels like u the best way to um you know set yourself up for success is don't commit to being in a relationship with one in the first place. Take it slow. Learn the person. Learn as long as you can. Spot the red flags. You talk a lot about this in these books. You talk about this on your YouTube channel which is amazing. I was watching some of the videos. Very inspiring. Um, so if you want to make sure you learn this, I would do not get committed until you learn the person you're with.

Learn the person. Take it slow and don't justify bad behavior. When you witness bad behavior, unfortunately, it's like, you know, if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, you know, scorpions sting. There are no such things as scorpions that hug. And so, you know, once you see a scorpion, you just got it's going to sting you. So, walk the other way. And and once it stings you once, don't pick it up again. [sighs] I even dated a couple Scorpios. Yeah, not that all Scorpios are nice, but it's funny.

Um, how else can we be supportive of you right now besides checking out your website, YouTube, social media, the books? You do workshops now? I do workshops. If you go to my Instagram, follow me on Instagram, we often put, you know, we put the uh let people know what's coming up. Then we're going to have a healing program and recovery program for people who have been through narcissistic relationships. That's coming up next year. Um yeah, just follow me on YouTube. We're always making our announcements there.

Every day we have a new video coming out. So you will be 365 days wiser if you just keep watching. Yeah. Dr. Romney everywhere, right? Yeah. Dr. Romney everywhere. There we go. Okay, cool. Um couple final questions. This one is called the three truths. It's what I ask everyone at the end of our interviews. So imagine a hypothetical scenario. So, it's your last day on Earth many years away. You get to live as long as you want, but it's the last day. And for whatever reason, all the content you've ever created has to go with you or go somewhere else.

But it's not here. We don't have access to any of your information anymore. Books, the videos, everything's gone. But you get to leave behind three things you know to be true from all your life lessons and experiences. And this is all we would have from your information. What would you say would be those three lessons or three truths? If someone else is cruel to you, it's not your fault. Okay? You came into this world lovable and will always be lovable. And um trust and honor your truth and don't let anyone ever take it away from you.

Those are beautiful. Uh before I ask the final question, Dr. Romney, I want to acknowledge you for your commitment to this information, to this [clears throat] message. I feel like there's a lot of people, including myself, going have gone through a lot of this to who've always struggled feeling like they're wrong and they're bad and they're not good enough in these types of relationships. And so for you to commit your adult life to this to researching, studying, teaching uh in the university and an academic level and now you know to the the masses with your information, your books, your content, I really acknowledge you for the gift and also the pain that you went through and your journey to learn these things and experience it so you could help educate and teach others to hopefully heal the relationships they've been through.

make sure they don't get in those relationships and have a much more peaceful life. Well, I appreciate that. Pain is a hell of a mentor. Absolutely. It is. Um and it's going to keep coming until until we learn the lesson. It's going to keep coming. Um my um my final question is what's your definition of greatness? My definition of greatness is humility, self-awareness, compassion, and empathy. There you go, Dr. Romney. Thank you. Mhm. Appreciate it. Thank you. This is amazing. People will always ask me, "Am I a narcissist?" And I'll go, "Do you ever feel guilty?" A narcissist is not going to feel that guilt.

What What have they done wrong? They're always right. Why would they apologize? You made them do it. Oh my gosh. Or they did