How to Get Anyone to Talk to You First (Without Begging for Attention)

If you have social anxiety, watch this. If you have social anxiety, watch this. Let me describe a moment you know far Let me describe a moment you know far Let me describe a moment you know far too well. You walk into a room, a party, too well. You walk into a room, a party, too well. You walk into a room, a party, a networking event, a work event, a a networking event, a work event, a a networking event, a work event, a friend's birthday where you only know friend's birthday where you only know friend's birthday where you only know one person, and that person is nowhere one person, and that person is nowhere one person, and that person is nowhere to be found. And within 3 seconds, 3 to be found. And within 3 seconds, 3 to be found. And within 3 seconds, 3 seconds, your body does something you seconds, your body does something you seconds, your body does something you didn't ask it to. Your chest tightens, didn't ask it to. Your chest tightens, didn't ask it to. Your chest tightens, your hands don't know where to go. You your hands don't know where to go. You your hands don't know where to go. You reach for your phone, not because anyone reach for your phone, not because anyone reach for your phone, not because anyone texted you, but because holding it gives texted you, but because holding it gives texted you, but because holding it gives you a job, a role, a reason to not be you a job, a role, a reason to not be you a job, a role, a reason to not be the person standing alone with nothing the person standing alone with nothing the person standing alone with nothing to do and nowhere to look. Believe me, to do and nowhere to look. Believe me, to do and nowhere to look. Believe me, I've done it, too. You scan the room, I've done it, too. You scan the room, I've done it, too. You scan the room, everyone seems to already be in a everyone seems to already be in a everyone seems to already be in a conversation, having a great time. conversation, having a great time. conversation, having a great time. Everyone seems to already know each Everyone seems to already know each Everyone seems to already know each other. Everyone seems comfortable, and other. Everyone seems comfortable, and other. Everyone seems comfortable, and you feel like the only person in the you feel like the only person in the you feel like the only person in the building who didn't get the manual on building who didn't get the manual on building who didn't get the manual on how to be a human in a room full of how to be a human in a room full of how to be a human in a room full of other humans. So, you do what most other humans. So, you do what most other humans. So, you do what most people do. You hover near the food people do. You hover near the food people do. You hover near the food table. You pretend to be very interested table. You pretend to be very interested table. You pretend to be very interested in the playlist. You maybe grab a drink. in the playlist. You maybe grab a drink. in the playlist. You maybe grab a drink. You wait. You hope. You silently beg for You wait. You hope. You silently beg for You wait. You hope. You silently beg for someone, anyone, to come rescue you from someone, anyone, to come rescue you from someone, anyone, to come rescue you from the invisible prison of standing there the invisible prison of standing there the invisible prison of standing there alone. And here's the part nobody says alone. And here's the part nobody says alone. And here's the part nobody says out loud. It's not that you don't know out loud. It's not that you don't know out loud. It's not that you don't know how to talk to people. You've talked to how to talk to people. You've talked to how to talk to people. You've talked to people your entire life. You're fine people your entire life. You're fine people your entire life. You're fine oneonone. You're fine with your friends. oneonone. You're fine with your friends. oneonone. You're fine with your friends. You can be funny, warm, interesting. But You can be funny, warm, interesting. But You can be funny, warm, interesting. But something about walking into a room full something about walking into a room full something about walking into a room full of strangers flips a switch in your of strangers flips a switch in your of strangers flips a switch in your brain that turns you into a completely brain that turns you into a completely brain that turns you into a completely different person. A smaller person, a different person. A smaller person, a different person. A smaller person, a quieter person, a person who suddenly quieter person, a person who suddenly quieter person, a person who suddenly can't remember what they even like to can't remember what they even like to can't remember what they even like to talk about. I want you to know talk about. I want you to know talk about. I want you to know something. That experience is not a something. That experience is not a something. That experience is not a personality flaw. It's not introversion. personality flaw. It's not introversion. personality flaw. It's not introversion. It's not social anxiety in most cases. It's not social anxiety in most cases. It's not social anxiety in most cases. It's biology. It's your nervous system It's biology. It's your nervous system It's biology. It's your nervous system running a very old, very powerful running a very old, very powerful running a very old, very powerful program that was designed to keep you program that was designed to keep you program that was designed to keep you alive. And it's firing in a situation alive. And it's firing in a situation alive. And it's firing in a situation where your life is not actually in where your life is not actually in where your life is not actually in danger. By the end of this video, I'm danger. By the end of this video, I'm danger. By the end of this video, I'm going to break down exactly what's going to break down exactly what's going to break down exactly what's happening in your brain and body when happening in your brain and body when happening in your brain and body when you walk into that room. And then I'm you walk into that room. And then I'm you walk into that room. And then I'm going to give you seven simple shifts, going to give you seven simple shifts, going to give you seven simple shifts, not tricks, not manipulation, not power not tricks, not manipulation, not power not tricks, not manipulation, not power poses in the bathroom. Seven poses in the bathroom. Seven poses in the bathroom. Seven evidence-based shifts that fundamentally evidence-based shifts that fundamentally evidence-based shifts that fundamentally change your experience of social change your experience of social change your experience of social settings. Shifts that make people want settings. Shifts that make people want settings. Shifts that make people want to come to you, talk to you, and share to come to you, talk to you, and share to come to you, talk to you, and share with you. Not because you performed with you. Not because you performed with you. Not because you performed confidence, but because you understand confidence, but because you understand confidence, but because you understand something about human connection that something about human connection that something about human connection that most people will go their entire lives most people will go their entire lives most people will go their entire lives without ever learning. Here's why your without ever learning. Here's why your without ever learning. Here's why your brain betrays you in a room full of brain betrays you in a room full of brain betrays you in a room full of strangers. Let's start with what's strangers. Let's start with what's strangers. Let's start with what's actually happening when you walk into actually happening when you walk into actually happening when you walk into that room and your body starts doing that room and your body starts doing that room and your body starts doing things you didn't ask for. Your brain things you didn't ask for. Your brain things you didn't ask for. Your brain has a structure called the amygdala. has a structure called the amygdala. has a structure called the amygdala. You've probably heard of it. It's your You've probably heard of it. It's your You've probably heard of it. It's your threat detection center. It's ancient. threat detection center. It's ancient. threat detection center. It's ancient. It's fast. And it doesn't care about It's fast. And it doesn't care about It's fast. And it doesn't care about context. It cares about survival. For context. It cares about survival. For context. It cares about survival. For the vast majority of human history, the vast majority of human history, the vast majority of human history, walking into a group of unfamiliar walking into a group of unfamiliar walking into a group of unfamiliar humans was genuinely dangerous. You humans was genuinely dangerous. You humans was genuinely dangerous. You didn't know their intentions. You didn't didn't know their intentions. You didn't didn't know their intentions. You didn't know the hierarchy. You didn't know if know the hierarchy. You didn't know if know the hierarchy. You didn't know if you'd be accepted or attacked. So, your you'd be accepted or attacked. So, your you'd be accepted or attacked. So, your amygdala evolved a very simple protocol. amygdala evolved a very simple protocol. amygdala evolved a very simple protocol. When you encounter a group of strangers, When you encounter a group of strangers, When you encounter a group of strangers, assume threat until proven otherwise. assume threat until proven otherwise. assume threat until proven otherwise. Flood the body with cortisol and Flood the body with cortisol and Flood the body with cortisol and adrenaline. Increase heart rate, tighten adrenaline. Increase heart rate, tighten adrenaline. Increase heart rate, tighten muscles, narrow focus, prepare to fight, muscles, narrow focus, prepare to fight, muscles, narrow focus, prepare to fight, flee, or freeze. That freeze response is flee, or freeze. That freeze response is flee, or freeze. That freeze response is what's actually happening when you walk what's actually happening when you walk what's actually happening when you walk into a party and suddenly can't think or into a party and suddenly can't think or into a party and suddenly can't think or have anything to say. Your prefrontal have anything to say. Your prefrontal have anything to say. Your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that cortex, the part of your brain that cortex, the part of your brain that handles language, creativity, humor, and handles language, creativity, humor, and handles language, creativity, humor, and social fluency, gets partially shut down social fluency, gets partially shut down social fluency, gets partially shut down when your amygdala is in threat mode. when your amygdala is in threat mode. when your amygdala is in threat mode. Dr. Amy Arnston at Yale School of Dr. Amy Arnston at Yale School of Dr. Amy Arnston at Yale School of Medicine has published extensive Medicine has published extensive Medicine has published extensive research showing that even moderate research showing that even moderate research showing that even moderate stress hormones impair preffrontal stress hormones impair preffrontal stress hormones impair preffrontal function. You literally become less function. You literally become less function. You literally become less articulate, less creative, and less articulate, less creative, and less articulate, less creative, and less socially intelligent when you're socially intelligent when you're socially intelligent when you're anxious. So, here's the irony. The anxious. So, here's the irony. The anxious. So, here's the irony. The moment you need your social skills the moment you need your social skills the moment you need your social skills the most, walking into a room full of most, walking into a room full of most, walking into a room full of strangers is the exact moment your brain strangers is the exact moment your brain strangers is the exact moment your brain takes those skills offline. But it goes takes those skills offline. But it goes takes those skills offline. But it goes deeper than your amygdala. Dr. Naomi deeper than your amygdala. Dr. Naomi deeper than your amygdala. Dr. Naomi Eisenberger at UCLA ran a groundbreaking Eisenberger at UCLA ran a groundbreaking Eisenberger at UCLA ran a groundbreaking study using fMRI brain scanning where study using fMRI brain scanning where study using fMRI brain scanning where participants played a simple ball participants played a simple ball participants played a simple ball tossing game and were then excluded from tossing game and were then excluded from tossing game and were then excluded from the game by the other players. What she the game by the other players. What she the game by the other players. What she found changed how we understand social found changed how we understand social found changed how we understand social pain. The brain regions that activated pain. The brain regions that activated pain. The brain regions that activated during social exclusion were the same during social exclusion were the same during social exclusion were the same regions that activate during physical regions that activate during physical regions that activate during physical pain. Your brain processes social pain. Your brain processes social pain. Your brain processes social rejection using the same neural hardware rejection using the same neural hardware rejection using the same neural hardware it uses for a broken bone. This isn't it uses for a broken bone. This isn't it uses for a broken bone. This isn't metaphor. This is measurement. And it metaphor. This is measurement. And it metaphor. This is measurement. And it explains why walking into a room where explains why walking into a room where explains why walking into a room where you might not belong feels so viscerally you might not belong feels so viscerally you might not belong feels so viscerally awful. Your brain is treating the awful. Your brain is treating the awful. Your brain is treating the possibility of social exclusion as a possibility of social exclusion as a possibility of social exclusion as a physical threat. Because for our physical threat. Because for our physical threat. Because for our ancestors, it was. Being excluded from ancestors, it was. Being excluded from ancestors, it was. Being excluded from the group didn't hurt your feelings. It the group didn't hurt your feelings. It the group didn't hurt your feelings. It killed you. You couldn't survive alone killed you. You couldn't survive alone killed you. You couldn't survive alone on the savannah. Exile was a death on the savannah. Exile was a death on the savannah. Exile was a death sentence. So when you walk into that sentence. So when you walk into that sentence. So when you walk into that room and your body tightens up and your room and your body tightens up and your room and your body tightens up and your mind goes blank, your brain is not mind goes blank, your brain is not mind goes blank, your brain is not broken. It's doing exactly what it was broken. It's doing exactly what it was broken. It's doing exactly what it was designed to do. It's just doing it in a designed to do. It's just doing it in a designed to do. It's just doing it in a context where the threat isn't real. context where the threat isn't real. context where the threat isn't real. Does that make sense? Now, how do we Does that make sense? Now, how do we Does that make sense? Now, how do we work with this biology instead of work with this biology instead of work with this biology instead of against it? Shift number one, arrive against it? Shift number one, arrive against it? Shift number one, arrive with an intention, not an expectation. with an intention, not an expectation. with an intention, not an expectation. Here's what most people do before they Here's what most people do before they Here's what most people do before they walk into a social setting. They set an walk into a social setting. They set an walk into a social setting. They set an expectation. I'm going to meet some cool expectation. I'm going to meet some cool expectation. I'm going to meet some cool people tonight. This is going to be the people tonight. This is going to be the people tonight. This is going to be the worst night ever. No one's going to talk worst night ever. No one's going to talk worst night ever. No one's going to talk to me. I'm going to make a good to me. I'm going to make a good to me. I'm going to make a good impression. I don't know if I'll connect impression. I don't know if I'll connect impression. I don't know if I'll connect with anyone. And those expectations, if with anyone. And those expectations, if with anyone. And those expectations, if they're positive, feel motivating for they're positive, feel motivating for they're positive, feel motivating for about 11 seconds until you walk in and about 11 seconds until you walk in and about 11 seconds until you walk in and the room doesn't cooperate with your the room doesn't cooperate with your the room doesn't cooperate with your plan. Nobody approaches you. The first plan. Nobody approaches you. The first plan. Nobody approaches you. The first conversation is awkward. The confident conversation is awkward. The confident conversation is awkward. The confident version of you doesn't show up on Q. Now version of you doesn't show up on Q. Now version of you doesn't show up on Q. Now you failed. Not actually, but in your you failed. Not actually, but in your you failed. Not actually, but in your brain's accounting system, you set a brain's accounting system, you set a brain's accounting system, you set a target and missed it. And the moment target and missed it. And the moment target and missed it. And the moment your brain registers that gap between your brain registers that gap between your brain registers that gap between expectation and reality, it releases a expectation and reality, it releases a expectation and reality, it releases a drop in dopamine that neuroscientists drop in dopamine that neuroscientists drop in dopamine that neuroscientists call a negative prediction error. Dr. call a negative prediction error. Dr. call a negative prediction error. Dr. Schultz research at Cambridge on Schultz research at Cambridge on Schultz research at Cambridge on dopamine signaling shows that when dopamine signaling shows that when dopamine signaling shows that when reality falls short of expectation, reality falls short of expectation, reality falls short of expectation, dopamine levels dip below baseline. You dopamine levels dip below baseline. You dopamine levels dip below baseline. You don't just feel neutral, you feel worse don't just feel neutral, you feel worse don't just feel neutral, you feel worse than if you'd had no expectation at all. than if you'd had no expectation at all. than if you'd had no expectation at all. This is why just be confident is such This is why just be confident is such This is why just be confident is such catastrophically bad advice. It sets an catastrophically bad advice. It sets an catastrophically bad advice. It sets an expectation that when unmet expectation that when unmet expectation that when unmet neurochemically punishes you. Here's neurochemically punishes you. Here's neurochemically punishes you. Here's what works instead. Replace the what works instead. Replace the what works instead. Replace the expectation with an intention. An expectation with an intention. An expectation with an intention. An intention is not a target. It's a intention is not a target. It's a intention is not a target. It's a direction. My intention tonight is to be direction. My intention tonight is to be direction. My intention tonight is to be genuinely curious about one person. My genuinely curious about one person. My genuinely curious about one person. My intention is to make someone feel intention is to make someone feel intention is to make someone feel noticed. My intention is to enjoy one noticed. My intention is to enjoy one noticed. My intention is to enjoy one real conversation. I have used this in real conversation. I have used this in real conversation. I have used this in countless events since I moved to countless events since I moved to countless events since I moved to America, since I moved to LA. and I walk America, since I moved to LA. and I walk America, since I moved to LA. and I walk into these rooms and feel this way all into these rooms and feel this way all into these rooms and feel this way all the time. My intention has been to find the time. My intention has been to find the time. My intention has been to find one person to have a deep, meaningful, one person to have a deep, meaningful, one person to have a deep, meaningful, fun conversation with and it has changed fun conversation with and it has changed fun conversation with and it has changed my experience. The difference is that an my experience. The difference is that an my experience. The difference is that an intention can't fail. There's no gap intention can't fail. There's no gap intention can't fail. There's no gap between what you planned and what between what you planned and what between what you planned and what happened because the intention lives in happened because the intention lives in happened because the intention lives in your behavior, not in the outcome. Walk your behavior, not in the outcome. Walk your behavior, not in the outcome. Walk in with a direction, not a destination. in with a direction, not a destination. in with a direction, not a destination. your brain stops scanning for failure your brain stops scanning for failure your brain stops scanning for failure and starts scanning for opportunities. and starts scanning for opportunities. and starts scanning for opportunities. Shift two, be the first to give safety. Shift two, be the first to give safety. Shift two, be the first to give safety. There's a reason certain people are There's a reason certain people are There's a reason certain people are magnetic in social settings and it's not magnetic in social settings and it's not magnetic in social settings and it's not what you think. It's not charisma, it's what you think. It's not charisma, it's what you think. It's not charisma, it's not attractiveness, it's not status, not attractiveness, it's not status, not attractiveness, it's not status, it's safety. Dr. Steven Paul's poly it's safety. Dr. Steven Paul's poly it's safety. Dr. Steven Paul's poly vagal theory one of the most important vagal theory one of the most important vagal theory one of the most important frameworks in modern neuroscience frameworks in modern neuroscience frameworks in modern neuroscience explains that the human nervous system explains that the human nervous system explains that the human nervous system is constantly unconsciously evaluating is constantly unconsciously evaluating is constantly unconsciously evaluating other people through a process he calls other people through a process he calls other people through a process he calls neurosception. Before you say a single neurosception. Before you say a single neurosception. Before you say a single word to someone, before you even make word to someone, before you even make word to someone, before you even make eye contact, their nervous system has eye contact, their nervous system has eye contact, their nervous system has already made a judgment about you, safe already made a judgment about you, safe already made a judgment about you, safe or unsafe. And here's what determines or unsafe. And here's what determines or unsafe. And here's what determines that judgment. It's not your words, it's that judgment. It's not your words, it's that judgment. It's not your words, it's your physiology. Genuine eye contact, your physiology. Genuine eye contact, your physiology. Genuine eye contact, not staring, but warm intermittent eye not staring, but warm intermittent eye not staring, but warm intermittent eye contact signals safety. An authentic contact signals safety. An authentic contact signals safety. An authentic smile, one that engages the muscles smile, one that engages the muscles smile, one that engages the muscles around the eyes signals safety. Open around the eyes signals safety. Open around the eyes signals safety. Open body language, uncrossed arms, visible body language, uncrossed arms, visible body language, uncrossed arms, visible palms, a relaxed posture signals safety. palms, a relaxed posture signals safety. palms, a relaxed posture signals safety. A regulated calm nervous system signals A regulated calm nervous system signals A regulated calm nervous system signals safety to other nervous systems. Dr. safety to other nervous systems. Dr. safety to other nervous systems. Dr. Por's research shows that humans Por's research shows that humans Por's research shows that humans co-regulate. Your nervous system state co-regulate. Your nervous system state co-regulate. Your nervous system state is literally contagious. When you is literally contagious. When you is literally contagious. When you approach someone and your body is tense, approach someone and your body is tense, approach someone and your body is tense, your breathing is shallow, and your eyes your breathing is shallow, and your eyes your breathing is shallow, and your eyes are darting around the room, their are darting around the room, their are darting around the room, their nervous system picks up on that tension nervous system picks up on that tension nervous system picks up on that tension and mirrors it. They feel uncomfortable and mirrors it. They feel uncomfortable and mirrors it. They feel uncomfortable around you, and they don't know why. But around you, and they don't know why. But around you, and they don't know why. But when you approach someone in a state of when you approach someone in a state of when you approach someone in a state of genuine calm, regulated breathing, genuine calm, regulated breathing, genuine calm, regulated breathing, relaxed shoulders, easy eye contact, relaxed shoulders, easy eye contact, relaxed shoulders, easy eye contact, their nervous system reads yours and their nervous system reads yours and their nervous system reads yours and downregulates in response. They feel downregulates in response. They feel downregulates in response. They feel comfortable around you and they don't comfortable around you and they don't comfortable around you and they don't know why. This is why the advice to fake know why. This is why the advice to fake know why. This is why the advice to fake confidence backfires. confidence backfires. confidence backfires. People don't read your words, they read People don't read your words, they read People don't read your words, they read your nervous system. And you can't fake your nervous system. And you can't fake your nervous system. And you can't fake a regulated nervous system. What you can a regulated nervous system. What you can a regulated nervous system. What you can do is actually regulate it. Before you do is actually regulate it. Before you do is actually regulate it. Before you walk into any social setting, take 90 walk into any social setting, take 90 walk into any social setting, take 90 seconds. Breathe in for four counts and seconds. Breathe in for four counts and seconds. Breathe in for four counts and out for six. The extended exhale out for six. The extended exhale out for six. The extended exhale activates your vag nerve, which shifts activates your vag nerve, which shifts activates your vag nerve, which shifts your autonomic nervous system from your autonomic nervous system from your autonomic nervous system from sympathetic activation, fight or flight, sympathetic activation, fight or flight, sympathetic activation, fight or flight, into parasympathetic mode, rest and into parasympathetic mode, rest and into parasympathetic mode, rest and connect. This isn't a breathing exercise connect. This isn't a breathing exercise connect. This isn't a breathing exercise to calm your thoughts. It's a to calm your thoughts. It's a to calm your thoughts. It's a physiological intervention that changes physiological intervention that changes physiological intervention that changes what your body is broadcasting to every what your body is broadcasting to every what your body is broadcasting to every person in the room. The next time you person in the room. The next time you person in the room. The next time you feel socially anxious, remember this. feel socially anxious, remember this. feel socially anxious, remember this. You don't attract people by being You don't attract people by being You don't attract people by being confident. You attract people by being confident. You attract people by being confident. You attract people by being the safest nervous system in the room. the safest nervous system in the room. the safest nervous system in the room. You don't attract people by faking You don't attract people by faking You don't attract people by faking confidence. You attract people by being confidence. You attract people by being confidence. You attract people by being present fully without looking over their present fully without looking over their present fully without looking over their shoulder for someone better. You don't shoulder for someone better. You don't shoulder for someone better. You don't attract people by pretending to be attract people by pretending to be attract people by pretending to be confident. You attract people by making confident. You attract people by making confident. You attract people by making them feel like they don't have to be. them feel like they don't have to be. them feel like they don't have to be. You don't attract people by being You don't attract people by being You don't attract people by being confident. You attract people by confident. You attract people by confident. You attract people by listening like you actually care, not listening like you actually care, not listening like you actually care, not like you're waiting for your turn. You like you're waiting for your turn. You like you're waiting for your turn. You don't attract people by being confident. don't attract people by being confident. don't attract people by being confident. You attract people by being the first You attract people by being the first You attract people by being the first person all night who didn't make them person all night who didn't make them person all night who didn't make them feel like a transaction. You don't feel like a transaction. You don't feel like a transaction. You don't attract people by being confident. You attract people by being confident. You attract people by being confident. You attract people by being the person who attract people by being the person who attract people by being the person who made them feel interesting instead of made them feel interesting instead of made them feel interesting instead of trying to be interesting yourself. trying to be interesting yourself. trying to be interesting yourself. Momentum isn't created by doing more. Momentum isn't created by doing more. Momentum isn't created by doing more. It's created by doing the right things It's created by doing the right things It's created by doing the right things consistently. March is when clarity and consistently. March is when clarity and consistently. March is when clarity and commitment begin to compound. The habits commitment begin to compound. The habits commitment begin to compound. The habits you formed start to feel natural. Your you formed start to feel natural. Your you formed start to feel natural. Your idea starts to feel real. Shopify idea starts to feel real. Shopify idea starts to feel real. Shopify supports your business goals as your supports your business goals as your supports your business goals as your momentum builds. Whether you're refining momentum builds. Whether you're refining momentum builds. Whether you're refining your offering, sharing your story, or your offering, sharing your story, or your offering, sharing your story, or serving your first customers, it's built serving your first customers, it's built serving your first customers, it's built for people ready to invest in for people ready to invest in for people ready to invest in themselves, from a simple idea to a themselves, from a simple idea to a themselves, from a simple idea to a growing brand. I speak from experience growing brand. I speak from experience growing brand. I speak from experience when I say Shopify gives you the tools when I say Shopify gives you the tools when I say Shopify gives you the tools to turn intention into action at your to turn intention into action at your to turn intention into action at your own pace. It doesn't matter if you're own pace. It doesn't matter if you're own pace. It doesn't matter if you're selling a few products or a full selling a few products or a full selling a few products or a full catalog. Shopify handles it all. With catalog. Shopify handles it all. With catalog. Shopify handles it all. With thousands of customizable templates, thousands of customizable templates, thousands of customizable templates, your site can reflect your vision. your site can reflect your vision. your site can reflect your vision. Personal, intentional, and aligned Personal, intentional, and aligned Personal, intentional, and aligned without starting from scratch. If you're without starting from scratch. If you're without starting from scratch. If you're just starting, you're not behind. just starting, you're not behind. just starting, you're not behind. Shopify removes the complexity of Shopify removes the complexity of Shopify removes the complexity of payments, operations, inventory, payments, operations, inventory, payments, operations, inventory, reporting, so you can focus on learning, reporting, so you can focus on learning, reporting, so you can focus on learning, building, and showing up consistently. building, and showing up consistently. building, and showing up consistently. Shopify Sidekick, their AI tool, acts Shopify Sidekick, their AI tool, acts Shopify Sidekick, their AI tool, acts like a co-founder, helping you with like a co-founder, helping you with like a co-founder, helping you with campaigns, content forecasting, and campaigns, content forecasting, and campaigns, content forecasting, and more. As your customers evolve, Shopify more. As your customers evolve, Shopify more. As your customers evolve, Shopify helps them discover you. Whether it's on helps them discover you. Whether it's on helps them discover you. Whether it's on social platforms or now even directly in social platforms or now even directly in social platforms or now even directly in chat GPT. When we started Juni, Shopify chat GPT. When we started Juni, Shopify chat GPT. When we started Juni, Shopify was there every step of the way. They was there every step of the way. They was there every step of the way. They grow with you so your business momentum grow with you so your business momentum grow with you so your business momentum feels sustainable, not exhausting. Build feels sustainable, not exhausting. Build feels sustainable, not exhausting. Build steady momentum with tools that support steady momentum with tools that support steady momentum with tools that support your purpose. Visit shopify.com/j. your purpose. Visit shopify.com/j. your purpose. Visit shopify.com/j. Shift three. Stop trying to be Shift three. Stop trying to be Shift three. Stop trying to be interesting. Be interested. This single interesting. Be interested. This single interesting. Be interested. This single shift will change your social life more shift will change your social life more shift will change your social life more than anything else on this list. Most than anything else on this list. Most than anything else on this list. Most people walk into a room trying to be people walk into a room trying to be people walk into a room trying to be interesting. Trying to have the right interesting. Trying to have the right interesting. Trying to have the right story, the clever comment, the story, the clever comment, the story, the clever comment, the impressive answer to, "So, what do you impressive answer to, "So, what do you impressive answer to, "So, what do you do?" And the pressure of that do?" And the pressure of that do?" And the pressure of that performance is exactly what creates the performance is exactly what creates the performance is exactly what creates the anxiety, the self monitoring, and the anxiety, the self monitoring, and the anxiety, the self monitoring, and the blank mind freeze we talked about blank mind freeze we talked about blank mind freeze we talked about earlier. Here's the science that should earlier. Here's the science that should earlier. Here's the science that should liberate you from that pressure forever. liberate you from that pressure forever. liberate you from that pressure forever. A study published in the journal of A study published in the journal of A study published in the journal of personality and social psychology at personality and social psychology at personality and social psychology at Harvard Business School found that the Harvard Business School found that the Harvard Business School found that the single strongest predictor of being single strongest predictor of being single strongest predictor of being liked in a first conversation was not liked in a first conversation was not liked in a first conversation was not how interesting, funny, or impressive how interesting, funny, or impressive how interesting, funny, or impressive the person was. It was how many the person was. It was how many the person was. It was how many follow-up questions they asked. Not just follow-up questions they asked. Not just follow-up questions they asked. Not just questions, follow-up questions. Not questions, follow-up questions. Not questions, follow-up questions. Not trying to be funny, not trying to be trying to be funny, not trying to be trying to be funny, not trying to be smart, not trying to be clever or smart, not trying to be clever or smart, not trying to be clever or impressive. questions that proved you impressive. questions that proved you impressive. questions that proved you were actually listening. People who were actually listening. People who were actually listening. People who asked more follow-up questions were asked more follow-up questions were asked more follow-up questions were rated as significantly more likable, rated as significantly more likable, rated as significantly more likable, more competent, and more attractive more competent, and more attractive more competent, and more attractive across every context tested. The across every context tested. The across every context tested. The researchers called this the question researchers called this the question researchers called this the question asking penalty in reverse. People asking penalty in reverse. People asking penalty in reverse. People consistently underestimate how much consistently underestimate how much consistently underestimate how much others enjoy being asked about others enjoy being asked about others enjoy being asked about themselves. And the neuroscience themselves. And the neuroscience themselves. And the neuroscience explains why. When someone asks you a explains why. When someone asks you a explains why. When someone asks you a genuine question about your experience genuine question about your experience genuine question about your experience and then follows up with curiosity, your and then follows up with curiosity, your and then follows up with curiosity, your brain releases dopamine and activates brain releases dopamine and activates brain releases dopamine and activates the medial prefrontal cortex, the same the medial prefrontal cortex, the same the medial prefrontal cortex, the same region associated with reward and region associated with reward and region associated with reward and self-relevant processing. Dr. Jason self-relevant processing. Dr. Jason self-relevant processing. Dr. Jason Mitchell at Harvard found that talking Mitchell at Harvard found that talking Mitchell at Harvard found that talking about yourself activates the brain's about yourself activates the brain's about yourself activates the brain's reward centers to a degree comparable to reward centers to a degree comparable to reward centers to a degree comparable to food and money. Not similar to, food and money. Not similar to, food and money. Not similar to, comparable to. When you ask someone a comparable to. When you ask someone a comparable to. When you ask someone a genuine question and then actually genuine question and then actually genuine question and then actually listen, not listening while planning listen, not listening while planning listen, not listening while planning what you're going to say next, but what you're going to say next, but what you're going to say next, but actually listen and follow the thread, actually listen and follow the thread, actually listen and follow the thread, you're giving their brain a you're giving their brain a you're giving their brain a neurochemical reward. You become neurochemical reward. You become neurochemical reward. You become associated with that reward. They like associated with that reward. They like associated with that reward. They like you not because you performed, because you not because you performed, because you not because you performed, because you gave them something almost nobody you gave them something almost nobody you gave them something almost nobody gives them, the feeling of being truly gives them, the feeling of being truly gives them, the feeling of being truly heard. The practical shift is this. Walk heard. The practical shift is this. Walk heard. The practical shift is this. Walk into every conversation with the goal of into every conversation with the goal of into every conversation with the goal of finding out one thing about this person finding out one thing about this person finding out one thing about this person that you didn't expect. Something that that you didn't expect. Something that that you didn't expect. Something that surprises you. This reframes the entire surprises you. This reframes the entire surprises you. This reframes the entire interaction from how do I come across to interaction from how do I come across to interaction from how do I come across to what can I discover? It takes the what can I discover? It takes the what can I discover? It takes the spotlight off you, which is where your spotlight off you, which is where your spotlight off you, which is where your anxiety lives, and puts it on them, anxiety lives, and puts it on them, anxiety lives, and puts it on them, which is where connection lives. stop which is where connection lives. stop which is where connection lives. stop trying to be the most interesting person trying to be the most interesting person trying to be the most interesting person in the room because nobody remembers the in the room because nobody remembers the in the room because nobody remembers the person who had the best story. They person who had the best story. They person who had the best story. They remember the person who made them feel remember the person who made them feel remember the person who made them feel heard, the person who asked one real heard, the person who asked one real heard, the person who asked one real question and then actually listened to question and then actually listened to question and then actually listened to the answer. Not listened while loading the answer. Not listened while loading the answer. Not listened while loading their next sentence. Actually listened. their next sentence. Actually listened. their next sentence. Actually listened. You don't need better things to say. You You don't need better things to say. You You don't need better things to say. You need fewer things to say and more need fewer things to say and more need fewer things to say and more willingness to hear. The most magnetic willingness to hear. The most magnetic willingness to hear. The most magnetic person in any room is never the one person in any room is never the one person in any room is never the one talking. It's the one making someone talking. It's the one making someone talking. It's the one making someone else feel like the only person in it. else feel like the only person in it. else feel like the only person in it. Shift number four. Master the art of the Shift number four. Master the art of the Shift number four. Master the art of the first 10 seconds. Here's an first 10 seconds. Here's an first 10 seconds. Here's an uncomfortable statistic. Research from uncomfortable statistic. Research from uncomfortable statistic. Research from Princeton psychologist Dr. Janine Wills Princeton psychologist Dr. Janine Wills Princeton psychologist Dr. Janine Wills and Dr. Alexander Toddov found that and Dr. Alexander Toddov found that and Dr. Alexander Toddov found that people form first impressions in people form first impressions in people form first impressions in onetenth of a second. One10enth. God, onetenth of a second. One10enth. God, onetenth of a second. One10enth. God, we're so judgmental. And subsequent we're so judgmental. And subsequent we're so judgmental. And subsequent research showed that impressions formed research showed that impressions formed research showed that impressions formed in longer time frames, even up to in longer time frames, even up to in longer time frames, even up to several minutes, didn't differ several minutes, didn't differ several minutes, didn't differ meaningfully from those snap judgments meaningfully from those snap judgments meaningfully from those snap judgments we made earlier. In other words, people we made earlier. In other words, people we made earlier. In other words, people decide what they think of you almost decide what they think of you almost decide what they think of you almost instantly, and then spend the rest of instantly, and then spend the rest of instantly, and then spend the rest of the interaction looking for evidence the interaction looking for evidence the interaction looking for evidence that confirms what they already decided. that confirms what they already decided. that confirms what they already decided. Now, before that makes you more anxious, Now, before that makes you more anxious, Now, before that makes you more anxious, I get it. Here's why it should actually I get it. Here's why it should actually I get it. Here's why it should actually set you free. The impression isn't based set you free. The impression isn't based set you free. The impression isn't based on what you say. You can't say anything on what you say. You can't say anything on what you say. You can't say anything meaningful in a tenth of a second. By meaningful in a tenth of a second. By meaningful in a tenth of a second. By the way, neither can I. None of us can. the way, neither can I. None of us can. the way, neither can I. None of us can. It's based on three things. Your facial It's based on three things. Your facial It's based on three things. Your facial expression, your body orientation, and expression, your body orientation, and expression, your body orientation, and your energy. So, here's what the first your energy. So, here's what the first your energy. So, here's what the first 10 seconds could look like. Not a 10 seconds could look like. Not a 10 seconds could look like. Not a rehearsal line, not a clever opener. rehearsal line, not a clever opener. rehearsal line, not a clever opener. Three things. One, genuine eye contact Three things. One, genuine eye contact Three things. One, genuine eye contact before you speak. Not after. Before. before you speak. Not after. Before. before you speak. Not after. Before. This signals presence. Two, a genuine This signals presence. Two, a genuine This signals presence. Two, a genuine smile. Not a performance smile, but the smile. Not a performance smile, but the smile. Not a performance smile, but the kind where your eyes change. And three, kind where your eyes change. And three, kind where your eyes change. And three, orient your body fully toward them. Not orient your body fully toward them. Not orient your body fully toward them. Not sideways, not half turned, fully facing. sideways, not half turned, fully facing. sideways, not half turned, fully facing. This is a non-verbal signal that in the This is a non-verbal signal that in the This is a non-verbal signal that in the language of evolutionary psychology language of evolutionary psychology language of evolutionary psychology says, "You have my complete attention. says, "You have my complete attention. says, "You have my complete attention. You are not a threat, and I'm not You are not a threat, and I'm not You are not a threat, and I'm not looking for someone better to talk to." looking for someone better to talk to." looking for someone better to talk to." Imagine someone did that to you. How Imagine someone did that to you. How Imagine someone did that to you. How many times have you talked to someone many times have you talked to someone many times have you talked to someone and someone's looking all around? and someone's looking all around? and someone's looking all around? They're looking behind you. They're even They're looking behind you. They're even They're looking behind you. They're even looking at the screen up there. They're looking at the screen up there. They're looking at the screen up there. They're looking over at who just walked in. How looking over at who just walked in. How looking over at who just walked in. How does that make you feel? How about when does that make you feel? How about when does that make you feel? How about when someone's kind of turned away, you kind someone's kind of turned away, you kind someone's kind of turned away, you kind of feel like they don't want to be there of feel like they don't want to be there of feel like they don't want to be there and neither do you? These three things and neither do you? These three things and neither do you? These three things take no social skill, no charisma, no take no social skill, no charisma, no take no social skill, no charisma, no clever words. And actually, what I love clever words. And actually, what I love clever words. And actually, what I love about them is they lead to real about them is they lead to real about them is they lead to real connection. You're not trying to walk connection. You're not trying to walk connection. You're not trying to walk out with the award for funniest person out with the award for funniest person out with the award for funniest person at the party. You're not trying to walk at the party. You're not trying to walk at the party. You're not trying to walk out with the medal for smartest person out with the medal for smartest person out with the medal for smartest person in the room. Hopefully, you're trying to in the room. Hopefully, you're trying to in the room. Hopefully, you're trying to just connect with someone, make a just connect with someone, make a just connect with someone, make a friend, make a new connection. And friend, make a new connection. And friend, make a new connection. And there's a beautiful piece of research there's a beautiful piece of research there's a beautiful piece of research from Dr. Arthur Aaron at Stonybrook from Dr. Arthur Aaron at Stonybrook from Dr. Arthur Aaron at Stonybrook University, the same researcher behind University, the same researcher behind University, the same researcher behind the famous 36 questions to fall in love the famous 36 questions to fall in love the famous 36 questions to fall in love study, showing that sustained mutual eye study, showing that sustained mutual eye study, showing that sustained mutual eye contact between strangers significantly contact between strangers significantly contact between strangers significantly increases feelings of closeness and increases feelings of closeness and increases feelings of closeness and affection, even in the absence of affection, even in the absence of affection, even in the absence of conversation. Eye contact isn't a social conversation. Eye contact isn't a social conversation. Eye contact isn't a social nicity. It's a bonding mechanism. It nicity. It's a bonding mechanism. It nicity. It's a bonding mechanism. It triggers oxytocin release. It tells the triggers oxytocin release. It tells the triggers oxytocin release. It tells the other person's brain, "You exist to me." other person's brain, "You exist to me." other person's brain, "You exist to me." Obviously, don't stare at them like a Obviously, don't stare at them like a Obviously, don't stare at them like a creep. I'm not recommending that. Shift creep. I'm not recommending that. Shift creep. I'm not recommending that. Shift five, use the power of proximity and five, use the power of proximity and five, use the power of proximity and positioning. This one is going to sound positioning. This one is going to sound positioning. This one is going to sound too simple and then I'm going to give too simple and then I'm going to give too simple and then I'm going to give you the science and you're going to you the science and you're going to you the science and you're going to realize it's one of the most powerful realize it's one of the most powerful realize it's one of the most powerful social tools that exists. In the 1950s, social tools that exists. In the 1950s, social tools that exists. In the 1950s, social psychologists Dr. Leon Finger and social psychologists Dr. Leon Finger and social psychologists Dr. Leon Finger and Dr. Stanley Shakar and Dr. Kurt Back Dr. Stanley Shakar and Dr. Kurt Back Dr. Stanley Shakar and Dr. Kurt Back studied friendship formation in a studied friendship formation in a studied friendship formation in a housing complex at MIT. They wanted to housing complex at MIT. They wanted to housing complex at MIT. They wanted to know what predicted who became friends. know what predicted who became friends. know what predicted who became friends. Was it shared interest, similar Was it shared interest, similar Was it shared interest, similar personalities, compatible backgrounds? personalities, compatible backgrounds? personalities, compatible backgrounds? None of those. The single strongest None of those. The single strongest None of those. The single strongest predictor of friendship formation was predictor of friendship formation was predictor of friendship formation was physical proximity. People who lived physical proximity. People who lived physical proximity. People who lived closer to the stairwell, meaning more closer to the stairwell, meaning more closer to the stairwell, meaning more people passed by their door, had people passed by their door, had people passed by their door, had significantly more friends. People who significantly more friends. People who significantly more friends. People who lived next to each other were far more lived next to each other were far more lived next to each other were far more likely to become closer friends than likely to become closer friends than likely to become closer friends than people who lived even two doors apart. people who lived even two doors apart. people who lived even two doors apart. They called this the propincrity effect. They called this the propincrity effect. They called this the propincrity effect. Subsequent researchers confirmed this Subsequent researchers confirmed this Subsequent researchers confirmed this over and over. Dr. Scott Beachch and Dr. over and over. Dr. Scott Beachch and Dr. over and over. Dr. Scott Beachch and Dr. Richard Mand at the University of Richard Mand at the University of Richard Mand at the University of Pittsburgh run a study where they had Pittsburgh run a study where they had Pittsburgh run a study where they had research assistants attend a large research assistants attend a large research assistants attend a large university class. Some attended zero university class. Some attended zero university class. Some attended zero times, some attended five times, some times, some attended five times, some times, some attended five times, some attended 10 times, some attended 15. The attended 10 times, some attended 15. The attended 10 times, some attended 15. The assistants never spoke to anyone, never assistants never spoke to anyone, never assistants never spoke to anyone, never interacted, just showed up and sat interacted, just showed up and sat interacted, just showed up and sat there. At the end of the semester, there. At the end of the semester, there. At the end of the semester, students were shown photos and asked to students were shown photos and asked to students were shown photos and asked to rate these people on attractiveness, rate these people on attractiveness, rate these people on attractiveness, likability, and similarity to likability, and similarity to likability, and similarity to themselves. The assistants who had themselves. The assistants who had themselves. The assistants who had attended more classes were rated as attended more classes were rated as attended more classes were rated as significantly more likable and significantly more likable and significantly more likable and attractive without ever having spoken a attractive without ever having spoken a attractive without ever having spoken a word. This is called the mere exposure word. This is called the mere exposure word. This is called the mere exposure effect. Your brain equates familiarity effect. Your brain equates familiarity effect. Your brain equates familiarity with safety. The more you see someone, with safety. The more you see someone, with safety. The more you see someone, the more your nervous system categorizes the more your nervous system categorizes the more your nervous system categorizes them as non-threatening, and the more them as non-threatening, and the more them as non-threatening, and the more positively you feel about them. So, what positively you feel about them. So, what positively you feel about them. So, what does this mean practically? Stop hiding does this mean practically? Stop hiding does this mean practically? Stop hiding in the corner of the room. Stop in the corner of the room. Stop in the corner of the room. Stop positioning yourself at the edges, positioning yourself at the edges, positioning yourself at the edges, right? You're standing there hoping that right? You're standing there hoping that right? You're standing there hoping that maybe one person passes and talks to maybe one person passes and talks to maybe one person passes and talks to you. Someone might have to see you seven you. Someone might have to see you seven you. Someone might have to see you seven times before you spark up a times before you spark up a times before you spark up a conversation. Place yourself in the flow conversation. Place yourself in the flow conversation. Place yourself in the flow path near the entrance, near the drinks, path near the entrance, near the drinks, path near the entrance, near the drinks, near the place where people naturally near the place where people naturally near the place where people naturally congregate or pass through. You don't congregate or pass through. You don't congregate or pass through. You don't need to approach anyone. Just be need to approach anyone. Just be need to approach anyone. Just be visible. Smile. Make eye contact. Be in visible. Smile. Make eye contact. Be in visible. Smile. Make eye contact. Be in the path of traffic. Make yourself easy the path of traffic. Make yourself easy the path of traffic. Make yourself easy to encounter. And if there's a setting to encounter. And if there's a setting to encounter. And if there's a setting you attend regularly, a gym, a coffee you attend regularly, a gym, a coffee you attend regularly, a gym, a coffee shop, a co-working space, a class, the shop, a co-working space, a class, the shop, a co-working space, a class, the single most powerful social strategy is single most powerful social strategy is single most powerful social strategy is just showing up consistently. not just showing up consistently. not just showing up consistently. not performing, not doing something big or performing, not doing something big or performing, not doing something big or memorable, just being there. The mere memorable, just being there. The mere memorable, just being there. The mere exposure effect will do the heavy exposure effect will do the heavy exposure effect will do the heavy lifting. People will feel like they know lifting. People will feel like they know lifting. People will feel like they know you before you've ever spoken. And then you before you've ever spoken. And then you before you've ever spoken. And then when the conversation eventually when the conversation eventually when the conversation eventually happens, and it will, it will feel happens, and it will, it will feel happens, and it will, it will feel easier, not because you engineered it, easier, not because you engineered it, easier, not because you engineered it, but because their brain already decided but because their brain already decided but because their brain already decided you're familiar and safe. Stop trying to you're familiar and safe. Stop trying to you're familiar and safe. Stop trying to be memorable. Just be present again and be memorable. Just be present again and be memorable. Just be present again and again. Shift number six. I'm really glad again. Shift number six. I'm really glad again. Shift number six. I'm really glad you're still here because this one is you're still here because this one is you're still here because this one is huge and will make such a difference. huge and will make such a difference. huge and will make such a difference. Give people a role. This is one of the Give people a role. This is one of the Give people a role. This is one of the most overlooked and most powerful tools most overlooked and most powerful tools most overlooked and most powerful tools in human connection and almost nobody in human connection and almost nobody in human connection and almost nobody ever talks about it. Someone walks into ever talks about it. Someone walks into ever talks about it. Someone walks into a social setting, they're dealing with a social setting, they're dealing with a social setting, they're dealing with the same thing you are, by the way. the same thing you are, by the way. the same thing you are, by the way. Uncertainty, ambiguity, feeling lonely. Uncertainty, ambiguity, feeling lonely. Uncertainty, ambiguity, feeling lonely. They don't know what to do. They don't They don't know what to do. They don't They don't know what to do. They don't know where they fit. They don't know know where they fit. They don't know know where they fit. They don't know what their role is. And ambiguity what their role is. And ambiguity what their role is. And ambiguity neurologically is deeply uncomfortable. neurologically is deeply uncomfortable. neurologically is deeply uncomfortable. The brain craves coherence. Research on The brain craves coherence. Research on The brain craves coherence. Research on cognitive closure at the University of cognitive closure at the University of cognitive closure at the University of Maryland shows that human beings have a Maryland shows that human beings have a Maryland shows that human beings have a fundamental need to resolve uncertainty. fundamental need to resolve uncertainty. fundamental need to resolve uncertainty. We want to know where we stand, what's We want to know where we stand, what's We want to know where we stand, what's expected, and what part we play. When expected, and what part we play. When expected, and what part we play. When you give someone a role, you resolve you give someone a role, you resolve you give someone a role, you resolve that ambiguity for them. And the relief that ambiguity for them. And the relief that ambiguity for them. And the relief is so powerful that it creates an is so powerful that it creates an is so powerful that it creates an instant bond. This sounds abstract, so instant bond. This sounds abstract, so instant bond. This sounds abstract, so let me make it concrete. You walk into a let me make it concrete. You walk into a let me make it concrete. You walk into a party and you see someone standing party and you see someone standing party and you see someone standing alone. Instead of the generic, "Hey, how alone. Instead of the generic, "Hey, how alone. Instead of the generic, "Hey, how do you know the host?" Which puts the do you know the host?" Which puts the do you know the host?" Which puts the entire burden of conversation on a entire burden of conversation on a entire burden of conversation on a stranger with no direction, try this. I stranger with no direction, try this. I stranger with no direction, try this. I just got here and I don't know what I'm just got here and I don't know what I'm just got here and I don't know what I'm doing yet. You look like you've been doing yet. You look like you've been doing yet. You look like you've been here long enough to know what's good. here long enough to know what's good. here long enough to know what's good. What should I try first? You just gave What should I try first? You just gave What should I try first? You just gave them a role. They're your guide. They're them a role. They're your guide. They're them a role. They're your guide. They're the expert. They went from ambiguous the expert. They went from ambiguous the expert. They went from ambiguous stranger with no function to helpful stranger with no function to helpful stranger with no function to helpful insider with a purpose. Watch how their insider with a purpose. Watch how their insider with a purpose. Watch how their posture changes. Watch how their face posture changes. Watch how their face posture changes. Watch how their face opens up. By the way, I was going to an opens up. By the way, I was going to an opens up. By the way, I was going to an event the other night, bumped into event the other night, bumped into event the other night, bumped into someone in the elevator and we started someone in the elevator and we started someone in the elevator and we started talking and my first question to them is talking and my first question to them is talking and my first question to them is like, "Hey, have you been to this event like, "Hey, have you been to this event like, "Hey, have you been to this event before?" And they were like, "Yeah, before?" And they were like, "Yeah, before?" And they were like, "Yeah, yeah, I've been here. I've been to this yeah, I've been here. I've been to this yeah, I've been here. I've been to this location." I was like, "Do you know location." I was like, "Do you know location." I was like, "Do you know where we're going?" They were like, "I where we're going?" They were like, "I where we're going?" They were like, "I know exactly where we're going." I was know exactly where we're going." I was know exactly where we're going." I was like, "Great. You're going to save me so like, "Great. You're going to save me so like, "Great. You're going to save me so much time and energy." Had a great much time and energy." Had a great much time and energy." Had a great conversation. I didn't compliment them. conversation. I didn't compliment them. conversation. I didn't compliment them. I didn't flatter them in in that I didn't flatter them in in that I didn't flatter them in in that interaction to start a conversation. I interaction to start a conversation. I interaction to start a conversation. I thanked them afterwards, of course, but thanked them afterwards, of course, but thanked them afterwards, of course, but we were able to give each other we were able to give each other we were able to give each other something much more valuable, a reason something much more valuable, a reason something much more valuable, a reason to be in this conversation. to be in this conversation. to be in this conversation. Dr. Adam Grant's research at Wharton on Dr. Adam Grant's research at Wharton on Dr. Adam Grant's research at Wharton on the psychology of giving shows that the psychology of giving shows that the psychology of giving shows that people experience measurable increases people experience measurable increases people experience measurable increases in well-being, self-efficacy, and social in well-being, self-efficacy, and social in well-being, self-efficacy, and social bonding when they are in a position to bonding when they are in a position to bonding when they are in a position to help someone. Asking for a small help someone. Asking for a small help someone. Asking for a small recommendation, a small opinion, or a recommendation, a small opinion, or a recommendation, a small opinion, or a small piece of guidance activates what small piece of guidance activates what small piece of guidance activates what Grant calls the helpers high, a Grant calls the helpers high, a Grant calls the helpers high, a neurochemical reward for being useful. neurochemical reward for being useful. neurochemical reward for being useful. So, stop trying to impress people. Give So, stop trying to impress people. Give So, stop trying to impress people. Give them a small role. Ask for their them a small role. Ask for their them a small role. Ask for their recommendation. Ask for their opinion. recommendation. Ask for their opinion. recommendation. Ask for their opinion. Ask for their help. You're not being Ask for their help. You're not being Ask for their help. You're not being needy. You're giving them the thing needy. You're giving them the thing needy. You're giving them the thing every human being in an uncertain social every human being in an uncertain social every human being in an uncertain social setting is silently hoping for. A sense setting is silently hoping for. A sense setting is silently hoping for. A sense of purpose in this interaction. And of purpose in this interaction. And of purpose in this interaction. And guess what? If they don't know any guess what? If they don't know any guess what? If they don't know any better, you now have something to laugh better, you now have something to laugh better, you now have something to laugh about. The fact that you're both at this about. The fact that you're both at this about. The fact that you're both at this place and have no clue. Shift number place and have no clue. Shift number place and have no clue. Shift number seven, leave before you're done. This seven, leave before you're done. This seven, leave before you're done. This last one is counterintuitive and it will last one is counterintuitive and it will last one is counterintuitive and it will change how people think about you more change how people think about you more change how people think about you more than anything else. Most people stay in than anything else. Most people stay in than anything else. Most people stay in conversations too long, not because the conversations too long, not because the conversations too long, not because the conversation's great, but because they conversation's great, but because they conversation's great, but because they don't know how to leave without it being don't know how to leave without it being don't know how to leave without it being awkward. So, they linger. The energy awkward. So, they linger. The energy awkward. So, they linger. The energy fades. The silences get longer. It's fades. The silences get longer. It's fades. The silences get longer. It's natural when you just met someone for natural when you just met someone for natural when you just met someone for the first time. The interaction dies the first time. The interaction dies the first time. The interaction dies slowly instead of ending well, and the slowly instead of ending well, and the slowly instead of ending well, and the memory the other person is left with is memory the other person is left with is memory the other person is left with is not the interesting thing you said at not the interesting thing you said at not the interesting thing you said at the beginning. It's the uncomfortable the beginning. It's the uncomfortable the beginning. It's the uncomfortable stalling at the end. There's a stalling at the end. There's a stalling at the end. There's a wellocumented phenomenon in psychology wellocumented phenomenon in psychology wellocumented phenomenon in psychology called the peak end rule. Researched called the peak end rule. Researched called the peak end rule. Researched extensively by Noble Laurate Dr. Daniel extensively by Noble Laurate Dr. Daniel extensively by Noble Laurate Dr. Daniel Kman. It states that people judge an Kman. It states that people judge an Kman. It states that people judge an experience not by its entirety but experience not by its entirety but experience not by its entirety but almost entirely by two moments. The most almost entirely by two moments. The most almost entirely by two moments. The most intense point and the final moment. intense point and the final moment. intense point and the final moment. That's it. People barely remember the That's it. People barely remember the That's it. People barely remember the beginning, the peak and the end. beginning, the peak and the end. beginning, the peak and the end. Everything in between fades. This means Everything in between fades. This means Everything in between fades. This means that a 5-minute conversation that ends that a 5-minute conversation that ends that a 5-minute conversation that ends on a high note is remembered more fondly on a high note is remembered more fondly on a high note is remembered more fondly than a 20-minute conversation that than a 20-minute conversation that than a 20-minute conversation that fizzles out. The length doesn't matter. fizzles out. The length doesn't matter. fizzles out. The length doesn't matter. The ending does. When you leave a The ending does. When you leave a The ending does. When you leave a conversation, while it's still good, conversation, while it's still good, conversation, while it's still good, while there's still energy, still while there's still energy, still while there's still energy, still curiosity, still things unsaid, you curiosity, still things unsaid, you curiosity, still things unsaid, you become an unfinished loop in the other become an unfinished loop in the other become an unfinished loop in the other person's mind and in yours. They think person's mind and in yours. They think person's mind and in yours. They think about you more. You think about them about you more. You think about them about you more. You think about them more. You want to get together again. more. You want to get together again. more. You want to get together again. You want to find a way to connect. Not You want to find a way to connect. Not You want to find a way to connect. Not because you manipulated them, but because you manipulated them, but because you manipulated them, but because the experience ended at a peak because the experience ended at a peak because the experience ended at a peak and their brain hasn't closed the file and their brain hasn't closed the file and their brain hasn't closed the file yet, and neither is yours. Here's how yet, and neither is yours. Here's how yet, and neither is yours. Here's how this looks practically. When the this looks practically. When the this looks practically. When the conversation hits a high point, a great conversation hits a high point, a great conversation hits a high point, a great laugh, an interesting insight, a genuine laugh, an interesting insight, a genuine laugh, an interesting insight, a genuine moment of connection, that's your cue to moment of connection, that's your cue to moment of connection, that's your cue to land the plane. To say something like, land the plane. To say something like, land the plane. To say something like, "I'm loving this conversation. I'm going "I'm loving this conversation. I'm going "I'm loving this conversation. I'm going to go say hi to a few other people, but to go say hi to a few other people, but to go say hi to a few other people, but I really hope we get to finish this I really hope we get to finish this I really hope we get to finish this later." Or, "I could talk about this all later." Or, "I could talk about this all later." Or, "I could talk about this all night, but I promised myself I'd go say night, but I promised myself I'd go say night, but I promised myself I'd go say hello to a few people, but I definitely hello to a few people, but I definitely hello to a few people, but I definitely want to come and find you later." You're want to come and find you later." You're want to come and find you later." You're still making sure that the other person, still making sure that the other person, still making sure that the other person, you're grateful for their time, but you're grateful for their time, but you're grateful for their time, but you're also getting an opportunity to you're also getting an opportunity to you're also getting an opportunity to reconnect later with that joy. You've reconnect later with that joy. You've reconnect later with that joy. You've just done three things. You ended at the just done three things. You ended at the just done three things. You ended at the peak. You made them feel valued for peak. You made them feel valued for peak. You made them feel valued for their time and energy and you left an their time and energy and you left an their time and energy and you left an open loop for you to reconnect. People open loop for you to reconnect. People open loop for you to reconnect. People don't remember the person who talked to don't remember the person who talked to don't remember the person who talked to them the longest. They remember the them the longest. They remember the them the longest. They remember the person who made them feel the best in person who made them feel the best in person who made them feel the best in the shortest amount of time and then had the shortest amount of time and then had the shortest amount of time and then had the selfawareness to walk away while it the selfawareness to walk away while it the selfawareness to walk away while it was still good. That's not playing was still good. That's not playing was still good. That's not playing games. It's not trying to play hard to games. It's not trying to play hard to games. It's not trying to play hard to get. It's understanding how connection get. It's understanding how connection get. It's understanding how connection works and how to respect what you've works and how to respect what you've works and how to respect what you've just created with someone. Let me tell just created with someone. Let me tell just created with someone. Let me tell you what's really happening underneath you what's really happening underneath you what's really happening underneath all seven of these shifts because it's all seven of these shifts because it's all seven of these shifts because it's not seven separate strategies. It's one not seven separate strategies. It's one not seven separate strategies. It's one principle expressed seven different principle expressed seven different principle expressed seven different ways. The principle is this. The person ways. The principle is this. The person ways. The principle is this. The person who changes the room is never the person who changes the room is never the person who changes the room is never the person trying to get something from it. It's trying to get something from it. It's trying to get something from it. It's the person giving something to it. When the person giving something to it. When the person giving something to it. When you arrive with an intention instead of you arrive with an intention instead of you arrive with an intention instead of an expectation, you're giving yourself an expectation, you're giving yourself an expectation, you're giving yourself direction instead of demanding an direction instead of demanding an direction instead of demanding an outcome. None of this is manipulation. outcome. None of this is manipulation. outcome. None of this is manipulation. Manipulation is trying to extract Manipulation is trying to extract Manipulation is trying to extract something from someone. Everything I've something from someone. Everything I've something from someone. Everything I've described is about giving something described is about giving something described is about giving something first and trusting the connection to first and trusting the connection to first and trusting the connection to take care of itself. Social mastery take care of itself. Social mastery take care of itself. Social mastery isn't about what you project. It's about isn't about what you project. It's about isn't about what you project. It's about what you create in the other person. I what you create in the other person. I what you create in the other person. I want to go back to that moment at the want to go back to that moment at the want to go back to that moment at the beginning. You walking into the room beginning. You walking into the room beginning. You walking into the room chest tight, phone in hand, scanning for chest tight, phone in hand, scanning for chest tight, phone in hand, scanning for an exit or a rescue. Now imagine walking an exit or a rescue. Now imagine walking an exit or a rescue. Now imagine walking into the same room with a different into the same room with a different into the same room with a different operating system. You've taken 90 operating system. You've taken 90 operating system. You've taken 90 seconds to regulate your breathing in seconds to regulate your breathing in seconds to regulate your breathing in the car. You've set an intention, not a the car. You've set an intention, not a the car. You've set an intention, not a performance target, just a direction. performance target, just a direction. performance target, just a direction. I'm going to find one person and make I'm going to find one person and make I'm going to find one person and make them feel like the most interesting them feel like the most interesting them feel like the most interesting person in this room. You position person in this room. You position person in this room. You position yourself near the natural flow of the yourself near the natural flow of the yourself near the natural flow of the room. You make eye contact with someone. room. You make eye contact with someone. room. You make eye contact with someone. You smile. Maybe you got to do it seven You smile. Maybe you got to do it seven You smile. Maybe you got to do it seven times. Your body's open. They walk over times. Your body's open. They walk over times. Your body's open. They walk over or you say hi because it's a calm, or you say hi because it's a calm, or you say hi because it's a calm, approachable energy, a warm energy. You approachable energy, a warm energy. You approachable energy, a warm energy. You ask them a genuine question. You listen. ask them a genuine question. You listen. ask them a genuine question. You listen. You follow up. You give them a role. You follow up. You give them a role. You follow up. You give them a role. They give you a role. By the way, they They give you a role. By the way, they They give you a role. By the way, they can ask you questions, too. And you've can ask you questions, too. And you've can ask you questions, too. And you've got to be willing to go there. You share got to be willing to go there. You share got to be willing to go there. You share a real moment. And then, while it's a real moment. And then, while it's a real moment. And then, while it's still good, you say, "I'm really glad I still good, you say, "I'm really glad I still good, you say, "I'm really glad I talked to you. I hope I see you again talked to you. I hope I see you again talked to you. I hope I see you again tonight." You walk away and then spend tonight." You walk away and then spend tonight." You walk away and then spend the next 30, 60 minutes doing other the next 30, 60 minutes doing other the next 30, 60 minutes doing other things. And then hopefully you reconnect things. And then hopefully you reconnect things. And then hopefully you reconnect with each other. Nothing about that with each other. Nothing about that with each other. Nothing about that required confidence. Nothing required required confidence. Nothing required required confidence. Nothing required charisma. Nothing required being the charisma. Nothing required being the charisma. Nothing required being the funniest or most impressive person in funniest or most impressive person in funniest or most impressive person in the room. It required understanding how the room. It required understanding how the room. It required understanding how human brains work, how nervous systems human brains work, how nervous systems human brains work, how nervous systems co-regulate, how memory forms, how co-regulate, how memory forms, how co-regulate, how memory forms, how connection actually happens beneath the connection actually happens beneath the connection actually happens beneath the performance most people think it performance most people think it performance most people think it requires. You were never bad at talking requires. You were never bad at talking requires. You were never bad at talking to people. You were just never taught to people. You were just never taught to people. You were just never taught that the goal isn't to talk. If you love that the goal isn't to talk. If you love that the goal isn't to talk. If you love this episode, you love my conversation this episode, you love my conversation this episode, you love my conversation with Simon Synynic, where we dive into with Simon Synynic, where we dive into with Simon Synynic, where we dive into the real key to create meaningful the real key to create meaningful the real key to create meaningful connection and influence beyond numbers connection and influence beyond numbers connection and influence beyond numbers or followers. Disney. All of the or followers. Disney. All of the or followers. Disney. All of the characters are trained that when a characters are trained that when a characters are trained that when a little kid hugs you, you may not let go little kid hugs you, you may not let go little kid hugs you, you may not let go until the kid lets go first. You hug the until the kid lets go first. You hug the until the kid lets go first. You hug the kid as long as the kid wants to hug