How to Better Regulate Your Emotions | Dr. Marc Brackett
Emotion regulation isn't about eliminating feelings—it's about changing your relationship with them. When anxiety surfaces, try simply saying 'hello' to it rather than fighting it. This simple acknowledgment often causes the feeling to dissipate quickly or just sit quietly in the background. The key
2h 27mKey Takeaway
Emotion regulation isn't about eliminating feelings—it's about changing your relationship with them. When anxiety surfaces, try simply saying 'hello' to it rather than fighting it. This simple acknowledgment often causes the feeling to dissipate quickly or just sit quietly in the background. The key is accepting that emotions aren't inherently good or bad; they're signals about what matters to you. Your anxiety about important things proves you care, and that's valuable information, not a weakness to suppress.
Episode Overview
Dr. Marc Brackett, Director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, discusses practical emotion regulation strategies with Andrew Huberman. They explore how to develop healthier relationships with emotions, particularly anxiety and vulnerability, challenge cultural mindsets around emotional expression (especially for boys and men), and implement research-based techniques for managing feelings without constant self-monitoring.
Key Insights
Emotion Regulation is Goal-Oriented, Not Emotion-Elimination
Dr. Brackett defines emotion regulation using the formula ER = (G + S) as a function of (E + P + C), where goals and strategies depend on the specific emotion, the person's traits, and the context. The acronym PRIME describes regulation goals: Prevent unwanted emotions, Reduce difficult ones, Initiate desired emotions, Maintain positive states, and Enhance existing feelings. This framework shows regulation is strategic and purposeful, not about suppressing or eliminating emotions.
Mindset About Emotions Determines Regulation Success
The first critical step in emotion regulation is examining your mindset about specific emotions. When Huberman automatically said he 'hates' anxiety, Brackett reframed it by asking what all his anxieties have in common—they're about things that matter to him. Accepting that no emotions are inherently 'bad' prevents automatic dysregulation. Anxiety signals perceived uncertainty about important outcomes, which is valuable information, not a character flaw.
Constant Emotional Monitoring Would Be Psychotic
Most of the time, emotions operate in the background, and that's healthy. Brackett emphasizes that checking in with feelings all day long would be unproductive and mentally exhausting. Emotions demand attention primarily when there's a shift in environment or relationships—when someone offends you, when circumstances change. The 'magic' of regulation happens in those activation moments, not through continuous self-surveillance.
Vulnerability is Context-Dependent and Learned
The ability to express vulnerable emotions like sadness, disappointment, or shame—particularly for boys and men—is entirely learned, not innate. Cultural messaging teaches that these 'feminine-coded' emotions signal weakness or incapability. However, in schools implementing emotional intelligence curricula, teenage boys readily discuss crying, express feelings after conflicts, and view emotional expression as normal. This demonstrates that emotional suppression patterns are nurture, not nature.
Striving for Constant Happiness Creates Misery
Research shows that people who strive to be happy all the time are actually more miserable because it's an impossible standard. Those who aim for contentment experience greater well-being. Accepting that 'every day is not a sunny day' and becoming comfortable with the rainy days is essential. Happiness itself isn't problematic, but attachment to it as a permanent state is. Balance and acceptance of emotional variety support mental health better than pursuing a single emotional state.
Notable Quotes
"A lot of people think emotion regulation is getting rid of a feeling. It's not what it is. It's just having another relationship to it. I've had anxiety or live with it for a lot of my life, but sometimes I just say hello to it. It's like, 'Hey, how you doing today?' And it goes away pretty quickly or it just sits there."
"Most of the time our emotions are in the background. You know, like if you thought about your feelings all day long, you wouldn't be able to do this podcast. Like that's unproductive. Emotions matter when there's a shift in our environment or the relationships, you know. If you said something that offended me, boom, I'm activated. I'm feeling angry or kind of shocked. Then I have to make a choice in that moment, like how do I manage it? That's where the magic happens."
"Anxiety is a good thing. It's saying there's perceived uncertainty around the future. Like, 'I'm anxious about how I'm going to act in this environment or how I'm going to be perceived in this environment.' It's not a bad thing cuz you want to be perceived well. But if you automatically assume it's bad, then it's going to put you on the path to dysregulation."
"We raise kids, boys in particular, to believe that these feminine type emotions, which are not feminine by nature, they're just human emotions, are weak. And therefore, that means I'm going to be perceived as not only weak, but potentially homosexual, and that's also a stigma. And so, what do I do? I suppress. I deny. I ignore."
Action Items
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1
Greet Your Anxiety Instead of Fighting It
When you notice anxiety arising, try saying 'hello' to it as if greeting an acquaintance. Acknowledge its presence without judgment or the need to eliminate it. This simple practice changes your relationship with the emotion—often causing it to dissipate or settle into the background—rather than intensifying through resistance.
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2
Identify What Your Emotions Reveal About Your Values
When experiencing a strong emotion, ask yourself what it reveals about what matters to you. If you're anxious about a presentation, it shows you care about being perceived well. If you're disappointed about a setback, it indicates the outcome was important. This reframe transforms emotions from problems into valuable information about your priorities.
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3
Save Emotion Check-Ins for Shifts, Not Constant Monitoring
Rather than continuously monitoring your emotional state throughout the day, pay attention primarily when you notice a shift—someone says something that offends you, circumstances change, or you feel suddenly activated. Use these moments as cues for conscious regulation rather than maintaining exhausting constant vigilance.
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4
Examine Your Mindset About Specific Emotions
Identify an emotion you frequently experience (anxiety, anger, sadness) and honestly assess your relationship with it. Do you automatically label it as 'bad'? Do you associate it with weakness or capability? Understanding these ingrained mindsets is the first step toward developing healthier, more adaptive responses to your emotional experiences.