How to Actually Calm an ADHD Nervous System (And Change Your Life)

Key Takeaway

When you catch yourself rushing today, treat it as a nervous-system signal—not a productivity strategy. Pause for one deep breath, drop your shoulders, unclench your jaw, and deliberately slow your next physical action: walk, type, speak, or transition to the next task. Repeating this interruption in real life, rather than relying only on a morning meditation or new planner, builds the capacity to work from steadiness instead of urgency.

Episode Overview

Dr. Mark Hyman speaks with therapist and author Jenna Free about her view that many disabling ADHD experiences are intensified by chronic nervous-system dysregulation. They explore why overwhelm, perfectionism, urgency, crashing, and “ADHD paralysis” can reflect fight-or-flight patterns, and outline a three-part approach using physical regulation, thought regulation, and more sustainable behavior.

Full Transcript

Transcript of How to Actually Calm an ADHD Nervous System (And Change Your Life) from The Dr. Hyman Show. Auto-generated from episode audio; may contain minor errors.

My executive function has improved when we get out of fight or flight mode. This is the main complaint about ADHD. So, the symptoms decrease because the dysregulation decreases. Life satisfaction increases. So we have a much higher quality of life when we're out of fight-or- flight mode. My biggest complaint about the current field of ADHD is that we really put this label on it and say, "All you're going through is ADHD. There's nothing you can do about it. All you can do is cope . Good luck." No, things can be much better.

Welcome, Jen . Podcast. It's so great to have you with us. I'm happy to talk about ADHD. This is a big problem for many people. I think you have a very interesting picture of this issue and an interesting way for people to navigate the differences that people have, which are often exhausting if you don't know how to deal with it. So I...I'm really excited to talk about this. Me too. Thank you. So I want...I want...I want to dive into this. uh, specifically your concept of how biological dysregulation, nervous system dysregulation, really exacerbates symptoms and sometimes makes it very difficult for people with ADHD to function.

And you know, I-I- I just want to start by saying, you know, that we as human beings are a spectrum , and not all of our neurological differences are pathological or problematic. In fact, they might be superpowers, and I think, you know, we'll talk about that. But it's about how you use them and how you regulate yourself to use those differences in a way that actually improves your life, not harms it. Well, with that in mind, I'd just like to step back for two seconds and give people the perspective, uh, that I've developed, you know, as a functional medicine doctor who treats patients with the full spectrum of neurodegenerative issues, from dyslexia or ADHD to autism spectrum disorders and the whole spectrum in between .

And I think you know, there's a growing body of evidence that the brain is, um, very sensitive to what's going on in the body, and that often when people have brain dysfunction, it can often be treatable factors: whether it's dietary factors, nutrient deficiencies , gut issues, environmental toxins, infections, food sensitivities. There are many things that go into understanding how to optimize brain health. And I wrote a whole book about it called " Ultra-Smart Decisions." We have a course in our curriculum on this subject called Brain Shaping Academy, which actually talks about how we can optimize our brains.

But that's a topic for another podcast. I just wanted to put this out there as something that people should also pay attention to if they are struggling with ADHD. They need to really understand that there are often biological reasons to look at , as well as just learning how to actually, um, you know, enhance your superpowers with the talents that you have. So, with that in mind, I want to dig a little deeper into the topic by asking you, Jenna, why are so many adults, especially women and high achievers, suddenly getting diagnosed with ADHD or ADHD in their 40s, 50s, and 60s?

Of course. So, you know, in society we had a traditional view of ADHD. This is a little boy running around the classroom. And whether by nature or nurture, little girls don't always behave the same way. So we remain unnoticed, including me. Hmm, it's a little more internal struggle and a little more hard work to make up for it. So from the outside it looks like this: "You're doing well, your grades are normal, you're not too disruptive, you're just pushing yourself." And that goes on for quite a while, and then when you become an adult, you get more responsibility.

And I know that this moment has come for me . I was diagnosed at 32 , having had two children in less than two years, and my life was too big for my coping mechanisms to keep up with . And I really realized, "I don't think this is, quote, normal, what I'm going through, the level of overload, intensity, and struggle that I've had." So that's when I started researching, you know, just writing down my symptoms. What is going on here? I didn't even have the ADHD label for myself.

I just knew something didn't seem quite right. And what did you struggle with? Uh, I would say the overload was probably the biggest, like sweeping the floor, feeling like I'm going to get energy? This is just too awesome. Hmm, my favorite quote from the book, which I told my college roommate, is: Do you ever feel like taking your socks off at night because then you have to put them back on in the morning? God, I'm just overwhelmed by everyday life and the thought that my capabilities are low.

Um , and then, of course, you throw a newborn baby and a one-and-a-half-year- old into your arms, and everything just falls apart, and I can't , I can't handle it. Um, and this is where everything kind of fell apart, when I was just stunned by myself. And do you think that people just go through it and don't have the ability to contextualize their symptoms and think that it's just them and that there's something wrong with them ? Absolutely. Like, oh, I'm just having a hard time in life, I guess.

And you keep doing it, often until there's a breaking point, you know, my coping mechanisms don't work anymore. So I also work with, probably mostly women, some men too, but I would say pretty much anyone over 35 who has been recently diagnosed because, you know, it worked. I could do crazy things the night before, just to cope and keep my head above water. Hmm, and then as we get older, of course, biological things change as well , and we just can't do it anymore, and then the cracks start to show, and then people look for something to explain it.

People have a lot of coping strategies that seem to mask their ADHD, like perfectionism, people-pleasing, over-training, working under pressure, you know, tell us about some of these coping strategies and how they mask what's really going on and then prevent people from really engaging with what's going on with them in a way that they can fully thrive. So, you know, I'm going to talk about this at the beginning because this is something that I'm working on, you know, I've seen that every ADHD person that I've met, I realize this is anecdotal, but thousands of people, um, are also in a state of fight or flight.

So, being in a state of fight or flight can mask the difficulties you are having, or at least survival, right? You keep your head above water. Perfectionism is a fight-or- flight mechanism, right? Protection. If I do it perfectly, no one can criticize me. No one will be able to get angry. I can't get into trouble. You always feel like you're about to get into trouble, and so you just always try to avoid danger. You do these things at the last minute, you procrastinate with urgency, but then you feel like it's a superpower.

Look, I can finish a huge work project in one day, so maybe it's just the way I work. So you can see a lot of overcompensation, masking, but all of these things are also symptoms of the fight or flight state. So, it's a very complex tangle of threads that we unravel when we get a diagnosis of ADHD. My desire and goal is for the first step to be, “ Oh, you have ADHD? Okay, let's get you out of the fight or flight state first, and then maybe we'll add, you know, functional medicine tools, coping mechanisms, tools and strategies.

But if we have a different brain, and that brain is in a fight-or- flight state, it would really feel like that, um, debilitating thing that people are now calling ADHD. And I think the field lumps it all together and calls it ADHD, instead of realizing, "Oh, the ADHD brain tends to fall into this condition." Let's get him out of this state and make him much more manageable . I want to delve into dysregulation, nervous system dysregulation, which makes ADHD much worse. Sometimes, you know, people don't know they have it, and it's exposed when certain things happen in their lives , whether it's, you know, becoming a mother like you once did, or, you know, working on a career, or when you have to take care of your parents, or going through menopause .

Like, how these important life transitions are actually starting to realize that there's... Well, I definitely see it as, you know, I like a good metaphor: I was keeping my head above water. Well, that doesn't leave much room for change, does it? So when there's still a little bit of strength to deal with, I drown. So it's like I'm just here and now. You know, there's not much space. If we operate where the water is up to my waist, I can handle some changes. I can handle transitions.

I can handle more. But if you're just going, which, you know, means being in fight or flight mode, that's survival mode. This is his definition. Just don't die. And now your parents - your responsibility, or responsibility for the children, raises this water. You can no longer help but look it in the eye because you are going to the bottom, as your consciousness truly began when you were 32 years old. You are a graduate student . You are raising two young children. What finally pushed you beyond your ability to cope with things and compensate for it?

I think it was exactly what I needed to deal with. As I said, I was just coping with life before the kids. So you start raising this water and I start drowning emotionally. I had, you know, not quite extreme, but definitely noticeable postpartum depression. I think it was, um, a direct reflection of my level of deregulation. I thought I was drowning, I was very unhappy, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't take a breath, and I started to panic. Um , and then it started to feel like I couldn't go on like this anymore .

I just hit a wall "okay". I was coping, but I can't anymore . And then you realized you had to do something different. Yes, of course. And that's when I got a diagnosis that was wonderful. Historically, I understand myself much more. I understand why I do what I do. But then I kept going and thought, "But nothing has changed, just because I know something, right?" This ADHD label doesn't solve any problems. No. And you talk about these highs, intense highs and lows, and you thought maybe you had bipolar disorder or depression.

What was really happening then? Yes. So, it was fight or flight. So I was really in two modes of deregulation, wasn't I? Like when we have a fever and our temperature is high . I'm too hot, then I'm too cold, then I'm too hot. Your body compensates in both directions. Just like in fight or flight mode. I am very stressed. I run away from the bear's energy, and then I fall into a stupor. And then I'm tense, and then I fall into a stupor. And that's why we'll call it ADHD.

We think, "Oh , this is a normal part of this experience." Hmm, but now that I've focused on regulation for a while, I'm much more resilient. So these ups and downs really relaxed. And I was really curious, when I got into this area, how I expressed this feeling, you know, I was almost thinking, "Am I bipolar?" Sometimes I'm tense and working at full speed, and sometimes I lose consciousness and freeze. Hmm, and the number of misdiagnoses of bipolar disorder that people get before they are diagnosed with ADHD was so interesting.

People get labeled all sorts of things, don't they? It's like, um, they don't really see what's going on. You talk about this crazy cycle of crashing, and you see it a lot in adults with ADHD. Can you talk about what it is, what it means, and how you experience it? You know, when we're in a state of "fight, flight, freeze, or acquiesce," because a lot of people think that freezing is an accident. It's just another expression of my system feeling so dangerous that I react in a certain way, like a deer in headlights.

I like it when people think of this fading as a deer in the headlights, rather than a collapse, because it's different. Hmm, but when we're in a "fight, flight, freeze, cuddle" state, that's a very biologically intense state, right? You have this allostatic load, like constant stress, and I understand that it's intense. Well, your body can't take it forever, so you crash, like when we were primitive creatures, which we still are. We simply live in the modern world. Um, and a bear is chasing you , and the bear is leaving.

Now you're going to collapse in your cave, right? And then when you get up again, you are in a state of hypervigilance. I am ready. Where is the bear? And then I fell back into the cave. Here's what's happening. But we are not in danger. So it really has a negative impact on us because no, you know, you don't get any benefit from it. And that just creates a lot of disruption in your life, right? I think it was very devastating. You know, I really started to understand that our society actually values sustainability more than intensity.

For example, if you can come to work every day, make some progress, work gradually, you will achieve much more than just “I come in for a few days, really intense , and then I fall for a few days, and then I …” Whether you are a work-from-home entrepreneur or not, that kind of rhythm doesn’t work well in our world. Yes, that's true. This is true. Doesn't work very well . Have you ever gone to bed exhausted, but your body just won't shut down? Your mind is constantly working, your muscles are tense, and you can't fully relax.

Well, it can often come down to one fundamental nutrient – magnesium. It plays a crucial role in sleep , recovery, stress regulation, and muscle function. However, many people simply don't get enough of it. And that's why I've been recommending Magnesium Breakthrough from Bio Optimizers for years. And now they've introduced Magnesium Breakthrough Advance 10 with 10 bioavailable forms of magnesium and even more elemental magnesium to support sleep, muscle recovery, and metabolic health. It has become part of my evening routine, especially during times of travel, training, and increased stress.

Go to bio optimizers.com/heimman and use the code heimman to save 15% on your order. Let me tell you a secret about doctors. We are skeptical of most supplements, and we should be . Many of them are not supported by solid scientific data, and a surprising number of supplements don't actually contain the ingredients they promise. So it means something when I tell you that I take it every day and recommend it to my patients. From the moment I reviewed the research, everything changed. Over 150 peer-reviewed studies, over 60 patents, an excellent Subco trust rating of 9.8, over a decade of cell development, and the product itself is simple.

One active ingredient, C-15, which strengthens your cells to support healthy aging. Don't take my word for it. Look at the science. All of this is published on discoverc15.com. And that's what convinced me to do it every day. And I think this will convince you too. Visit fatty5.com/heimman today and use the code highman to get 15% off a 90-day subscription starter kit. So a lot of people with ADHD think that, you know, they just do great under pressure. They just need the pressure, they need the stress, you know, but what is the long-term cost of using that urgency as fuel for things in the world?

Yes, absolutely. I mean, that's why we have such high burnout rates, everyone is taking vacations, working with an alarming number of people on vacation at work, because it's not sustainable . Um, and again, as we just mentioned, you have to live a sustainable life if you want to live a successful life. You want to be able to continue to show up in your life every day. Um, and so it will burn out. You will hit a wall, but it also doesn't work the same way fear motivators do.

So, guilt, shame, urgency, and fear. So, I think these, um, push motivators. I'm running away from something. If we use them, I understand when you're in a fight or flight state, it seems... but without that, I have no motivation. But that's because we're stuck in this cycle where the only thing that motivates me is when I'm being chased by a bear. As soon as the thread disappears, my system collapses. Do I need to use anxiety, pressure, deadlines, intensity? But this is an inherent trap of dysregulation—it's a cycle.

The more I use these negative motivators , the more I need to use these negative motivators , the more I break down when they are not there. So now I need them more. And it's getting worse and worse. Compared to when we're regulating, you're more like, "Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine." I am neutral. I'm just here. And now I can use my motivators of attraction, desire, and oh, it's going to be great to do this so I have free weekends, I want to do things, I want to live a good life, I want to do things, um, and do interesting things.

So once we get into these motivators, when we are more in control, I compare it to the energy of hunting a bear versus the energy of picking berries. So, when you know, when you go to pick berries, it's like: oh , I'm going to something, I want something. This is more sustainable energy. I'm just collecting and productive, but I could keep it up. Whereas hunting for bear energy, yeah , damn it, you can run fast when a bear is chasing you, or when your boss is mad at you, or when your deadline is coming up , but when that bear is gone, you'll have nothing left.

And you know, it's not going to lead to this sustainable, um, life that we aspire to lead, which is going to be much more enjoyable and much more successful. Why? Why? So how did you come to this idea about your central argument, which is that ADHD and chronic dysregulation are related but not the same thing , and then how in fact a lot of the things that people think of as ADHD are actually more of a dysregulated nervous system that's fighting or running away, which all of that exacerbates?

Can you tell us how you figured all this out and why? When I started working with ADHD clients as a therapist, I took a few courses to get some specialization, and I could say, okay, so we don't know what to do with people with ADHD. We give them tools, tips, tricks, band-aids. It seemed to me that this was very similar to a patch , for example, use this timer. If you constantly forget, use this reminder. Use this calendar. It's like we're drowning here. I don't want another buoy.

I want to get out of the water. Um, I started to see, but you know, but I used it because I was taught to. This is what I used with clients when I started. Of course, they didn't do that. They did nothing . They would come to the next session feeling even worse because they hadn't done what was assigned. Um, and then I started to see, you know, hundreds of hours of talking to people , you start to see patterns like, "Oh, so we're all in a dysregulated state, you know, I'm either intense or I'm nothing.

It's all or nothing. It's my mindset, it's all or nothing . My behavior, it's all or nothing. My energy, it's all or nothing. Oh, okay. Well, if that's our main problem, if we could just shift those boundaries a little bit , and this pendulum wouldn't be so extreme, I think we'd be a lot further along . So that's what I started to work on and explore, you know, how do we do that? What's going on? Seeing, oh, it's a fight or flight thing that's going on.

Okay, let's work on that. I'm a pretty stubborn and optimistic person, and if I don't like something, I believe I can improve it. I just need to figure out how. For me, I really started working on regulation, and just regulation, to to cope. And for 6 months to a year, I'm like a different person. It's crazy . I still see that I have ADHD. I still see some unique thinking. I still see, you know, a couple of little potholes that I have to go around and support myself.

But that's about 10% of what I was dealing with. I haven't felt the paralysis of ADHD for 2 or 3 years, whereas before I lived with it every day. Um, and you know, obviously, you know this is anecdotal, but we have to start with a theory somewhere... okay, I see that my brain has changed because of this. What if the brain, everything that we are, everything that we do in the brain difference, is actually the brain difference in this state? Because we can get out of states, right?

The brain is the brain that we have, the brain that we're born with. Of course, as you mentioned, we can do other things to keep ourselves healthy, but the brain is the makeup of the brain. Okay, but what if we take him out of that state? What happens? Well, you know, then you start to learn how, you know, the symptoms of fight-or-flight are almost identical to the symptoms of ADHD. Do we even know what ADHD is? For example, fight-or-flight blocks dopamine receptors. ADHD is dopamine. Well, if we separate those things out, what's left?

And that was really a question on my part, well, let's see. And, um, it was so cool the other day, because I'm starting to teach other therapists this approach. I just sent an email to my former clients like, "Do you think I, you know, as a therapist, should study this and why?" And I was just bombarded with things like, "Yeah, I've tried everything else, that's the only thing that matters." Yeah. Like everything else is a Band-Aid. And these are people who were there two years ago.

And that's why I love that once you see it, you can't unsee it. Once you get it right, you know what it is, and you can maintain it. It's not some short-term tool for tricks that's just going to fall apart when you get overwhelmed. It's really a philosophy and a way of life. When you start to see, oh my God, my executive function improves when we get out of fight-or-flight mode . That's the main complaint about ADHD. Um, the symptoms go down because the dysregulation goes down.

The satisfaction with life goes up. So we have a much higher quality of life when we're out of fight-or- flight mode. So my biggest complaint about the modern field of ADHD is that we actually put this label on it and call everything you're going through ADHD. There's nothing you can do about it. All you can do is cope. Good luck to you. No, it can be a lot better. Well, you know, it's interesting. Is n't nervous system regulation important for everyone? I mean, you, you, you wrote your book.

It's called "The Simple Guide to Regulation 80 HD, The Secret, Finding Balance, Getting Results, Enjoying Life." Basically, I think what I'm really realizing is that it might be more important for someone who has some latent ADHD, but isn't it something that's important for all of us? Yeah. And that's why I'm writing my second book right now, which is really about how it... how it affects all of us, because you have this model. It's called the ADHD Regulation Method, which is a three- step... and it involves nervous system regulation, thought and belief regulation, and then behavior regulation.

Can you systematically tell us about each of them so that we can understand how you think about it? Because most people say, "Yeah, I know my nervous system is a little off. I know I'm a little agitated, and I know I'm a little agitated." But they don't know what to do about it. And they know it's interfering with their quality of life, their relationships, their work, but it's hard to reset your nervous system. It's not easy to do. It's actually easier to change your diet or your exercise than your nervous system.

Yeah. That's why people, you know, when I talk about this work, they ask, "Yeah, but what supplement can I take?" I say, " Look, you're trying to get around the hard work." That can also be important, but you know, it's harder to work on the internal stuff, where you have to manage yourself and, um, face discomfort. And, but that's required in this puzzle, if we had that foundation, so we can't get around it through external things. We can add external things, um, but just to point it out.

But yeah, absolutely, so the process is physical first, and I really focus on regulation in the moment versus task-based regulation. So we have a lot of somatic exercises, you know: tapping, breathing exercises, yoga , meditation. It's like, oh , meditated today, checked, moving on. And then you run around like a chicken with its head cut off all day, and the next morning you meditate. Um, so I really focus on the moment to learn to really understand the exact feeling of dysregulation and the symptoms of dysregulation.

So, you know, tense muscles. Many of us have TMJ tension because... I'm defensive: shallow breathing, rushing, impatience, um, uh, any physical signs of anxiety, anxiety itself, all of these things, when we feel them , we say, "Ah, I'm off balance." And we want to interrupt that physical state in the moment. So if you're running down the hall to a meeting, it's like, okay, off balance. Deep breath. Relax your shoulders. Slow down. We want to tell your nervous system that you're not actually being chased by a bear.

And we can only do that through action. You can't talk to it. But if you, you know, calmly walk into a meeting, your body says, "Oh, maybe we're not in danger. It's possible ." And then it's a lot like working out in the gym. You have to do your reps. Interrupt over and over, and over and over and over again. But over time your body naturally starts to say, "Oh, maybe we don't need to be in this physically stressful state." " Hmm, and that's much more effective than one-off actions.

Of course, adding in activities like breathing exercises and tapping and all that , icing on the cake, that's great. But if you're drowning, if you're in survival mode, I think giving tasks is pretty useless. They're not going to do them, and they're going to feel bad about not doing them , and then it's going to be even worse. So I really like this, like, "Hey, let's just cultivate mindfulness and adjust what you're already living because it's much more accessible than any of the other things on the to-do list, more structured things.

And it can be something as simple as just noticing how you're feeling and taking a deep breath. Yeah, that's right. Well, especially if you're breathing shallowly, when it's telling your body: danger, danger. Okay. Like it's going to interrupt this state and go, "Hey, nervous system." "No. We're fine. We're safe. Look, I would n't do this if I was being chased by a bear. I wouldn't slow down or relax if there was real danger. Look. Okay. And then you can speed up until you get to the end of the hallway.

That's fine. We just want to be physically stressed all the time. Um, you know, even if I'm working and typing something, I can notice that my shoulders are a little bit raised, and I'm like, "Oh, yeah." "and you keep doing what you're doing, like you're continuing to live your life. You don't leave. I think a lot of the advice we're given is to take more breaks. No, it's training your nervous system that work is dangerous. Breaks are safe. Well, it's really hard to work in a regulated way right now.

Yeah, that's true. And a lot of people, you know, with ADHD or these difficulties, they tell you what to do. Here are the productivity tools, here are the routines, here are the strategies, the behavioral strategies. But your point is that the regulation of the nervous system has to be the first thing on all of these. Absolutely. Because a drowning person can't take on any more. Like we have to get you out of survival mode. Now you have the capacity. You have the energy. You have the bandwidth.

If you don't have the bandwidth , don't give them anything . That's ridiculous. It's only going to make things worse. Um, and that's the physical part. And that's where a lot of people stop. You know, the nervous system is the body. It's somatic. It just does that. But our brain is connected to ours, it's part of our nervous system. Like the way you think, your beliefs are formed based on the body that has felt in danger probably your entire adult life. So our thinking is now unregulated, we're very negative.

We seek out danger, very anxious thoughts, um, you know, fear, guilt, urgency, shame. We often fight reality or feel panicked all the time . And the mental work is to get us out of fight or flight mode or also mentally. But a lot of people say, "Well, you can't think your way out of dysregulation by inventing." "No, but if you think dysregulated, you're going to stay dysregulated. We need to get that brain to think regulated, which to me is a big part of it. I'm trying to summarize.

Obviously, it's a little bit more complicated because the brain is a complicated place. Um, but we want to align with reality. So a lot of our beliefs fight reality, which is very dysregulating, because you lose that fight every time. Like, oh, I'm behind, I need to catch up. That's the main dysregulating belief that I've heard from people with ADHD. So if I believe I'm falling behind, I need to catch up. I mean, I'm not going to relax or slow down, right? Because I'm not crazy. It's like I'm falling behind.

I need to catch up. I need to go. I need to be fast. I need to panic. I need to worry. And I need to run. Um, but this belief, this belief says, " I need to be over there." Okay, but you're here. But I should be further away. Okay, but here you are. So it's like getting that brain back to, "Oh, I'm where I am right now." Let's take the next step from here, instead of, "I need to be further away." I need to be further away.

I'm behind . I'm behind. Behind makes it feel like that nervous system goes right back into panic mode. It's like a behavior, and it's a thought and a regulation, right? It's the beliefs and the thoughts that you have and the direct control of them. Completely. And a lot of it is subconscious. So you may not be fully aware that you're operating from these core beliefs, but they're always there, so those gears are turning and keeping this panic going. Um, you know, another thing is when there's not enough time in the day.

Okay, but there is time. There's a question, why keep fighting it? There's not enough time. That's true. That's true. Fighting reality is not the best strategy for those who... Oh, it's like all of you... You're never going to change linear time and space. Sorry. That's the way it is. Let's just accept it. You can take the time that you have and let's just use it. But if I go, there's not enough time. I mean, it doesn't make me feel relaxed. And it doesn't make me feel calm, it doesn't make me feel present .

It makes me panic, it makes me feel pressured. So now we're back to dysregulation again. So if we don't get this brain in sync with the calm body that we're trying to create , nothing will ever change significantly. So you're saying that we need to record our thoughts and beliefs and be more intentional about, like, examining them? Yes. First, we need to be aware of what my beliefs and thoughts are? You probably don't even know, because you're moving so fast through life. It's just subconscious. We don't stop to think.

Um, or we believe our thoughts. We believe our beliefs, of course, but there's not enough time . How many people argue with me ...online . Yes, but I'm falling behind. Okay, but isn't it true that you are where you are? And they say, yes, but I have so much. Okay, it's all in your brain. It's not that there's not much going on in modern life. It's just that we think in a way that panics our system, and the blood from the brain to the digestive system to the extremities.

We don't think clearly. Our executive function It's going down. Our logical thinking is off. We can't be creative. We're in survival mode right now. Right now I'm just trying not to die, which is going to involve a lot of comfort seeking, avoiding any discomfort, flipping, spending, using psychoactive substances. Um, and I don't know why I do it. Food. I overate for 10 years, and now I've had a healthy relationship with food for the last 10 years. Um, and I feel like I couldn't overeat if I was paid.

It's like I'm not physically able to do it anymore. Because, um, my system is regulated. It's so interesting how, um, dysregulation affects everything. Um, but it's part of the mind, because we have to work on our thoughts and beliefs and regulate them, bring them back to earth , be in tune with reality, function from where we are, which is a very broader, more complex way of talking about grounding. You know, we can put feet on the grass, but we also need to get our brains out into the physical world, not being here in what I call potential.

Should be, could be, would be , ideals, what ifs, negative self-talk, judgments. It's just like a swirling vortex of dysregulation. It's exhausting. It's true. It's true. And how do you help people get through that? So we do a couple of different things. So, first, being aware of this potential and reality. And I always ask my clients how much time do you think you're in potential, like thinking about anxieties, what you could have done, what... you should have done, regrets, the past, the future, judgments. 80 to 90 percent is the most.

So 90 percent of your life, you're not even here in the physical world. You're up here in panic mode, in hypervigilance mode. Like good luck calming your body. Like we have to bring your brain into a state of, like, "Hey, it's safe to let go." You don't have to be hypervigilant. You're not in a life or death situation. It's okay to just be where you are, mentally and physically, and take the next step. Then we, and then I like to look a little bit more closely and think, okay, what are your specific core beliefs?

What's your narrative? And for some people, it's like, "Oh, there's not enough time." I just have this constant fear of not having time. And it's like running away. That's my engine, like, "Okay, we need to start challenging this belief when it comes up." Well, that seems true, doesn't it? That seems true. I mean, I want so much to... get everything done in a day, and I never have enough time to get everything done. So, I recently posted something like, "Are you short of time, or do you just want to get everything done today?

Which is more, which is more true?" Well, time is what it is. Maybe that's my thing. I try to fit too much into too little time and say I don't have enough. So I'm just starting to realize where I can be more accepting of what is and what will be, is the time that is. I can only do one thing at a time. It's like I live in linear time and space. Okay, let's accept that. And let's go on a journey. Follow the path of life, not "I have to move on." I have to move on.

Like that just wears you down and wears you down , which then gives us all these symptoms that are so debilitating. And you also talk about behavioral changes, not just changes in thinking or beliefs, uh, not just semantic practices, but what , what, actually... What do you mean by behavioral changes that you're suggesting? Yeah. So we have a body , we have a psyche, and then we have the behavior that we're thinking "all or nothing" that we're actually working on, but it creates an all or nothing behavior.

So we're really working on this behavior. I'm either going to clean the whole house, scrub the baseboards and scrub the carpets thoroughly, or I'm not even going to pick up a towel off the floor. I'm either going to write this work project the night before . I'm not even going to start. I'm either going to do it perfectly or I'm not even going to try. Then we get into these behavioral patterns of extremes that we want to start to interrupt behaviorally. So we have to start to find a balance in the way we function physically.

So yeah , in our bodies we need to be more calm, to stop panicking, mentally we need to be more in tune with reality, but we also need to act more resiliently. Um, and it's going to look like you're going to see this more in your physical existence. For example, a lot of people who... Every year, in fight or flight or not, you, you know, really have , I mean, twisted but unbalanced calendars, like I'm trying to cram all my meetings into Monday so I can have a completely free Tuesday.

That's an unregulated behavior. It's like I'm crazy and stressed on Monday and I'm falling apart on Tuesday. You're setting yourself up for that. We want to distribute things behaviorally, uh, by schedule, by environment, so that, you know, I can live this day over and over and over again. If you live your day in a way that you're thinking, "I can't stand this," we don't have a regulated behavior. So that might mean spreading out your meetings throughout the week. Um, gradually working on a task instead of sitting down and working on it for 12 hours and then falling into the inevitable.

And that's retraining the nervous system, because it's going to feel uncomfortable when you're used to thinking "all or nothing," which is biological a mechanism of staying in a state of fight or flight. Right? If you 're in the woods in an immediate threat to your life, first of all, we need to think in black and white, safe, dangerous, good, bad. Like it's intentional. But now, doing this in our situation, I'm assuming that physical safety is completely draining for people and leads to, like, "I do a lot and then I do nothing and then I do a lot," and as we said, a much more productive and enjoyable life...

that's my sound for regulation. It's like I'm making a little progress every day and it builds momentum and makes my life great and I don't have these intense patterns of collapse in the way I do things. So it's just about creating a more regulated nervous system, more purposeful practices, more awareness of your beliefs and thoughts, more simple behavioral changes that can help you move into a sustainable pattern rather than this intense dysregulation and trying to cope with everything. And I often find that people just, you know, just get overwhelmed and kind of shut down if they have ADHD.

Yeah, that's the same frozen deer. in the headlights. One of the biggest misconceptions about aging is that feeling old is inevitable. It's not. A lot of what we associate with aging, the decline in energy, the decline in strength, and the decline in physical function, can often be traced back to what's going on inside our cells, specifically our mitochondria. Mitochondria are the power generators for almost every cell in your body. But as we age, their function starts to decline. And when your cells have less energy, you feel it.

And that's why I'm such a believer in supporting mitochondrial health. And one of the tools that I personally use is Timeline powered by mitoure. Timeline contains urolithin, a unique postbiotic nutrient that has been shown to support mitochondria, a natural process cellular renewal, which helps maintain mitochondrial health. Simply put, it helps your body renew its mitochondria so that your cells can produce more energy more efficiently. The healthier your mitochondria are, the younger you feel. And that's why Timeline has become a part of my daily routine , and that's why I recommend it to anyone interested in supporting healthy aging from the inside out.

Visit timeline.com and use the code Hyman for 20% off your order. This episode brings you liposomal dim from Row Nutrition. Now here's something most women never talk about. There are many symptoms people attribute, quote, to hormones or mood swings: stubborn weight around your hips, skin issues, PMS that throws your whole week off. Well, it's often a problem with estrogen metabolism, not a problem with estrogen levels. Your body makes estrogen. It also has to process it. And DIM is a compound found in cruciferous vegetables. vegetables like broccoli, cauliflower.

It supports your body's pathway that helps to effectively clear estrogen. When that pathway is working well, the hormonal noise tends to quiet down. The catch is that you have to eat pounds of broccoli a day to get a therapeutic dose. Rose liposomal dim is designed to actually be absorbed so that your body can use it . If you've been told your hormones are normal but something's still off, it's worth paying attention to your estrogen metabolism. So go to ronutrition.com and use the code for 20% off sitewide.

This is the anthem at rhom. nutrition.com. You know, you came into this later in life. It wasn't something you were diagnosed with before , and, you know, I think motherhood was a factor, and that's often a turning point, like sensory overload, interruptions, lack of sleep , repetitive tasks like raising kids, like it, you know, interacts with this whole phenomenon that you're describing about ADHD and dysregulation. I really started to understand that, you know, there's a very clear line between dysregulation, but it's a stressful time, like having a baby.

So it's normal to be in a state of fight or flight, or of course I'll be even, you know, more important things like I have a very stressful job, or it's a very stressful time in my life, so of course I'll be dysregulated. Dysregulation and fight or flight are only useful when you're in immediate danger of your life. So that's where I like to draw the line, like, yeah, I know you're going to justify your dysregulation. You're going to normalize it. You'll see the reasons why.

That's true, but it's always bad for us, regardless of whether I have two newborn babies or not, regardless of where I have my business or how much work I have . Hmm, it just gives me this boost of energy and belief in that no matter what's going on with me, I always remember regulation. How can I make it better? How can I find some relief? Even if it's a very stressful situation, where can I be where deregulation makes it worse ? So, you know, having kids, uh, that was a really hard time for me, and it's not my strong point.

I do n't want to go back there and I don't want to have another kid because it was really hard. So, it's not really my cup of tea, but, my God, if I had known about the regulation work during that, I could have really taken a lot of the pain out of something that probably would n't have been my cup of tea anyway. Hmm, but yeah, just talking about what you're talking about , I think it's just realizing that it's always relevant, no matter what's going on in the situation.

Yeah, that's true. I mean, it's important to just know yourself and monitor your mind and your patterns of behavior. And, you know, it like, I think it's important if you think you have something like that, to look for the root causes, but also to learn to regulate your system. And I think your approach is powerful. Um, you know, you're trained as a therapist and a counselor. Um, and you talk a little bit about your training and you say that you just had a toolkit for ADHD, you know, tools, calendars, worksheets, different life hacks.

What do you think was missing from your own training on this ? Yeah. It was like an admission or like we just raised the white flag. ADHD is what it is. There's nothing we can do about it. It's like, would you say that to someone with PTSD? Well, you have PTSD. There's nothing we can do about it. It's just who you are . You're just going to fight or run for the rest of your life. No. You would never say that to this person. So why do we say it's ADHD?

It's like, well, that's your brain. Good luck to you. It's so frustrating to me, because a lot of people believe it and think, well, that's how it is. And you know, there's a lot of stuff on the internet about it being a disability. It's so exhausting. It's so horrible. It's not funny. I agree that it's not funny when you're struggling, but it's not inevitable. It doesn't have to be that hard. Um, you know, when people talk about ADHD superpowers, I really think there's something really special about it.

You know, being unique is not a bad thing. Being different is not a bad thing. But if you're in survival mode, yeah, I understand how exhausting it can be. Um, and the ADHD field loves labels and symptom labels, like, "well, it's ADHD paralysis." Don't look at it any further. It just is what it is. Accept it and move on. In your approach, as you know, I work with people, and I really encourage everyone to look under the hood of everything. Why, why do you have paralysis?

What's going on biologically? What's going on in your mind? What's going on? Let's dig in there and figure it out. Um, and it's always something that you're going to pull on some kind of dysregulation thread. It's not just what it is. Um, and you know, um, ADHD paralysis is one of those things that I believe, and it's just a personal, um, personal opinion, um, that paralysis is freezing, struggling, freezing, teenager. It's not an inevitable symptom. I think some of the ADHD manifestations are still there. I would say my working memory is still bad.

It's not something that's improved, um, with regulation. I still see a few small symptoms here, but a lot of them are significantly reduced and the paralysis is gone. So, um, yeah, I really think we do n't really know what ADHD is because we haven't taken into account being in and out of fight or flight mode . I mean, you know, you know, you talk about these dysregulation glasses . Um, and you know, from your training and from the perspective of therapists, and as you, you know, you probably imagine that doctors or clinicians might start looking at things differently.

So what do you mean by dysregulation glasses and what should clinicians look for when they put them on ? Absolutely. Yeah. Whether you're a client or a clinician, it's like first observing the symptoms and the behavior, like, " Okay." Well, where's the dysregulation? Because probably for every client, there's going to be some fight or flight, some dysregulation, no matter what else they have going on. Um, and the reason it's so important to look for that is because you can do something about it. do. The ADHD brain that I have, scientists say, is like this is just what it is.

So why focus so much on that? Where can I find dysregulation that I could improve? Um, and so you put these glasses on, you start to see everything in terms of regulation, dysregulation, fight or flight. God, everything makes so much more sense when you look at it through that lens. Even other people, you know, someone who's so rude. Oh, you're sweet. You're in defense mode. Oh, you don't feel safe. Like, okay, go ahead. Like, you 'll have a lot less contempt. You'll have a lot more understanding of people and yourself, like, look , we're all just little animals running around the world trying to stay safe.

We're not as evolved and complex as we like to think. And so when you can see that part of yourself more fully, "I see what's going on here, let's to do something about it , "instead of, you know, overly labeling everything and assuming that it's just forever, which is a pretty hopeless state. Yeah, just to have a different perspective and understanding that there is actually a way to help people with dysregulation, ADHD, and the inability to function in life, and that there is a new understanding that helps us find a different approach, rather than just saying, " Just deal with it," or what we do , you know, like, make a checklist, you know?

It's not necessarily going to fix it. Okay, how about we just close with a couple of quick questions? What are the most overlooked signs of ADHD in women? Overwhelm would be number one. It's like if everyday life seems so hard, it's not. We've also normalized a lot of these things, even in today's society, not just for ADHD but for everyone. It's like, well, life is overloaded. No, it's not normal. It's sign. As for signs of dysregulation, what are you looking for? What are the most common signs ?

The common signs are physically shallow breathing, tense muscles, and rushing. If people could actually start tracking rushing, that would be a really good place to start. And it's a little more physical, so you can access it a little more easily . If you're ever in a rush, you're not in control of yourself. It's like it's really... It's interesting. Yeah. I tell my clients, even if you're late, I don't care. It's like you're panicking, it's not going to help you get to your goal any faster. It's like it's illogical.

It's a reaction . It's interesting. So what's the first thing you do when you notice yourself rushing? Slow down. It's like you have to physically stop it. You can't think of a way out of it. So I had a client who was a therapist, and we're studying this. She said, "Yeah, yeah, I know about all of this." Okay , but I'll see, you know, what's going on with me this week. She is back. "She's like, 'Oh my God, I didn't realize I was dragging my son home from school every day.

Come on , let's go. And what's the point? We had nowhere to go. Why did I do it? I'm just always rushing and rushing and urgent, and half the time there's no logic to it . Hmm, but even if there is logic and reason to it, it's not going to help. It's just a signal to your system: panic, panic, panic. For example, with that mom who's dragging her kid home, it's like, let's just take it easy, even slowly . You don't have anywhere to go. This is it.

This is your life. Well, let's just stay here and see what happens. Yeah, that's really good advice.' I mean, rushing is when you feel overwhelmed, you feel like you have so many things to do, and you just want to get it all done, but it's counterproductive, you know? Yeah. It's all dysregulation, trying to get it all done . That, What you said is also another sign that I'm not doing it. I'm not present in the process and working on it to do it. I'm like, let's get this over with.

Oh well . Oh well. That's a sign. So if your partner is overwhelmed, what can you do for them ? How can you best be a partner? Co-regulation is very powerful if you can achieve self-regulation, because ADHD or not, we probably have some dysregulation. You're slowing down, aren't you? Not adding more, not trying to over-help sometimes can also be overwhelming. Well, why don't we do that? Well, why don't we just slow down? just be a calm presence to support your partner to figure out their own problems, rather than rushing or trying to fix something.

As for mothers with ADHD, what do they need more support for? Internally, we need more compassion for ourselves. Love ourselves. That Okay. Yeah. Negative self-talk is another sign of dysregulation. Your brain doesn't naturally think like that. It's trying to motivate you in a negative way, right? Oh, come on. Come on. Come on . I'm not doing this well enough. We need to get started. But it's okay. You're doing a great job. Now you can still think, okay, I'm compassionate with myself and I still want to work on some things.

We can have both . A lot of people think that self-compassion is an avoidance of responsibility . I did a survey on my social media, and 80-80% of people said that self-compassion is an attempt to give up. I'm like, no, that's crazy. No, why do you really have this belief that if I'm kind to myself, I'm allowing myself to be free from responsibility, and being cruel to myself motivates me, and that's not good. Yeah, those belief systems really keep us in a state of struggle or escape.

Yes, it’s true. Most of us in this modern world live in a state of fight or flight. And even if we don’t have ADHD, all of these tools are definitely applicable. Bloating, gas, irregularity are often ignored as minor issues, but they can seriously interfere with your quality of life. I see this all the time with patients who are experiencing discomfort after eating, worried about digestion when traveling, frustrated that nothing they’ve tried is actually helping. This is one of the reasons I continue to recommend Seed. Their DSL1, Daily Symbiotic, was formulated differently than most probiotics on the market.

Many probiotics are not digestible, but DSO1 uses a capsule delivery system designed to help the strains survive and reach the colon where they can actually do their job. It’s a 24-strain probiotic and prebiotic that’s clinically proven to improve bowel regularity, reduce bloating, and relieves gas. And what impressed me most was the level of scientific rigor in the product , which is what prompted me to join the Seed Clinical Council. Go to seed.com/heimman and use the code 25heimman to get 25% off your first month. That's sed.com/heimman and use the code 25heimman.

Whether I'm having a tough week, or I'm going through a tough workout, or I'm just trying to keep up with everything that's on my desk, I know that my body is constantly being asked to respond and recover. And so I believe that resilience is one of the most important markers of long-term health. And one of the best tools I've found for doing that, both personally and clinically, is using an infrared sauna. I think of it the same way I think of exercise. It's a beneficial stressor.

You're signaling to your body to adapt, to recover, and to come back stronger. And that's one of the reasons I regularly make time for sunlight and sauna. What sets Sunlight apart is their Pulse IQ technology. It independently delivers red light along with near, mid, and far infrared . So you get a more personalized infrared experience , not just a mix of wavelengths. And whether you're just starting out or looking for a more advanced setup, Sunlight offers options for a variety of homes, lifestyles, and budgets. And if you're looking for another way to boost your resilience, you might want to explore sauna therapy.

Visit sunlight.com and use the code himman to save up to $2,100 plus free shipping . What about the positive side? What are some of the things about your ADHD brain that you like? I think I think in a unique way, that's just my perspective , but I noticed all of this because of my brain. If I didn't have ADHD, I wouldn't have seen it. and I was able to relate these points and explain it in a unique way and see it in a unique way where people say, "I've never thought about it that way before." And I'm just so grateful for the opportunity to offer a different perspective, because if we all think the same way, why are we all here?

If we all come to the same conclusions, it's not very interesting. So I just like to offer an alternative, even if I may not see the same thing that other people see all the time. That's true. Um, okay, last one. Um, finish that sentence. Living well with ADHD is less about that and more about filling in the gaps. Less about the ADHD itself and more about regulation. That's it. That's it. Well, that's great. I think for those who are listening, I think a lot of people have some variation, especially in our modern world where everything is about distraction.

And I think you could have, you know, constitutional ADHD, or you could have acquired ADHD, given how our society is so fragmented and distracted. Whatever your background, learning the tools of self-regulation, of nervous system regulation, of grounding yourself is incredibly important. And your model is really helpful. So I encourage people to check out your book, Jenno. It's a simple guide to ADHD regulation, the secret to finding balance, getting things done, and enjoying yourself. They can find it pretty much anywhere they buy books. So Jenno, why don't you just tell us where people can find you, where they can learn more about your work, and find you on social media?

Sure. So my book, this simple guide to ADHD regulation, is available wherever books are sold . You can find me at jennifrey.com, and going to that website will give you all the resources. I have a podcast. Of course, I have a book out and a lot of other free resources that people can check out. Well, Jenno, thank you for your work. Thank you for what you do. Raise the bar awareness of this issue. This is something that affects a lot of people. So thank you very much .

Thank you. If you liked the last video, you'll like the next one. Check it out here.

Go deeper

• All The Dr. Hyman Show episode guides