How The Partner You Choose Reveals Your Self-Worth - Quinlan Walther

How much does the partner that someone How much does the partner that someone chooses reveal about their level of chooses reveal about their level of chooses reveal about their level of selfworth, do you think? selfworth, do you think? selfworth, do you think? >> I like this. Starting with a strong one. >> I like this. Starting with a strong one. >> I like this. Starting with a strong one. Um, well, I want to add a little bit of Um, well, I want to add a little bit of Um, well, I want to add a little bit of context to that. How does the partner context to that. How does the partner context to that. How does the partner that someone chooses reveal how much that someone chooses reveal how much that someone chooses reveal how much they love themselves, how they see they love themselves, how they see they love themselves, how they see themselves? It can tell a lot, but I themselves? It can tell a lot, but I themselves? It can tell a lot, but I think more importantly is the way that think more importantly is the way that think more importantly is the way that they feel about someone's judgment of they feel about someone's judgment of they feel about someone's judgment of that. So, the way that I frame it is if that. So, the way that I frame it is if that. So, the way that I frame it is if someone told you that they could tell someone told you that they could tell someone told you that they could tell how much you love yourself by the how much you love yourself by the how much you love yourself by the partner that you've chosen, how would partner that you've chosen, how would partner that you've chosen, how would you feel about that? It's kind of like you feel about that? It's kind of like you feel about that? It's kind of like if I say, "Oh, is that a new shirt?" and if I say, "Oh, is that a new shirt?" and if I say, "Oh, is that a new shirt?" and you're a little insecure about it. you're a little insecure about it. you're a little insecure about it. You're like, "Well, does it make me a You're like, "Well, does it make me a You're like, "Well, does it make me a little do I look a little heavy? Do I little do I look a little heavy? Do I little do I look a little heavy? Do I look a little my muscles look small?" look a little my muscles look small?" look a little my muscles look small?" Right? You're like, there's an Right? You're like, there's an Right? You're like, there's an insecurity there insecurity there insecurity there >> versus Thank you. It is a new shirt. >> versus Thank you. It is a new shirt. >> versus Thank you. It is a new shirt. Doesn't it look great? You know, this Doesn't it look great? You know, this Doesn't it look great? You know, this color, the new cut, you're right. You're color, the new cut, you're right. You're color, the new cut, you're right. You're secure in it. So when someone says, "I secure in it. So when someone says, "I secure in it. So when someone says, "I can tell how much you love yourself by can tell how much you love yourself by can tell how much you love yourself by the partner that you've chosen," there's the partner that you've chosen," there's the partner that you've chosen," there's a bit of intuition in that in your a bit of intuition in that in your a bit of intuition in that in your reaction to that. reaction to that. reaction to that. >> It's an interesting prompt to give >> It's an interesting prompt to give >> It's an interesting prompt to give somebody. somebody. somebody. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> And the sense of >> And the sense of >> And the sense of or or or >> Yes. And I I always try I frame it up >> Yes. And I I always try I frame it up >> Yes. And I I always try I frame it up that way intentionally because it's not that way intentionally because it's not that way intentionally because it's not about someone actually passing a about someone actually passing a about someone actually passing a judgment on you. It's your judgment on you. It's your judgment on you. It's your interpretation of that judgment. interpretation of that judgment. interpretation of that judgment. >> It's like it's like a roshock test for >> It's like it's like a roshock test for >> It's like it's like a roshock test for your own partner. your own partner. your own partner. >> Yes. It's like I am not what I think I >> Yes. It's like I am not what I think I >> Yes. It's like I am not what I think I am. I am not what you think I am. I am am. I am not what you think I am. I am am. I am not what you think I am. I am what you think you think I think I am. what you think you think I think I am. what you think you think I think I am. [laughter] Yeah, [laughter] Yeah, [laughter] Yeah, >> we did it. We did it. Um it's >> we did it. We did it. Um it's >> we did it. We did it. Um it's interesting though, right? Like the uh interesting though, right? Like the uh interesting though, right? Like the uh the idea that if you feel like you're the idea that if you feel like you're the idea that if you feel like you're being mistreated being mistreated being mistreated and you believe and you believe and you believe that the love that you are prepared to that the love that you are prepared to that the love that you are prepared to accept is a reflection of your level of accept is a reflection of your level of accept is a reflection of your level of selfworth. selfworth. selfworth. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> That probably tells you everything that >> That probably tells you everything that >> That probably tells you everything that you need to know about your you need to know about your you need to know about your relationship. relationship. relationship. >> Yes. Well, it's does it feel like a >> Yes. Well, it's does it feel like a >> Yes. Well, it's does it feel like a compliment or does it feel like an compliment or does it feel like an compliment or does it feel like an insult? Does it make you proud of the insult? Does it make you proud of the insult? Does it make you proud of the love that you've accepted and the love that you've accepted and the love that you've accepted and the treatment that you've tolerated? Or does treatment that you've tolerated? Or does treatment that you've tolerated? Or does it really hit that sensitive part of you it really hit that sensitive part of you it really hit that sensitive part of you that's like been treated like [ __ ] for that's like been treated like [ __ ] for that's like been treated like [ __ ] for years? years? years? >> Like this is or or simply this has >> Like this is or or simply this has >> Like this is or or simply this has really just never felt right. really just never felt right. really just never felt right. >> You know, it feels kind of mediocre. >> You know, it feels kind of mediocre. >> You know, it feels kind of mediocre. Maybe it's not a reflection that you Maybe it's not a reflection that you Maybe it's not a reflection that you totally hate yourself. It's more just totally hate yourself. It's more just totally hate yourself. It's more just like that doesn't really live up to the like that doesn't really live up to the like that doesn't really live up to the way that I know love could feel. and way that I know love could feel. and way that I know love could feel. and someone who really loved themselves someone who really loved themselves someone who really loved themselves probably would have gone and found probably would have gone and found probably would have gone and found something that really aligns rather than something that really aligns rather than something that really aligns rather than just settling for what was there. just settling for what was there. just settling for what was there. >> There's a lot in there, but it requires >> There's a lot in there, but it requires >> There's a lot in there, but it requires the introspection to really get into the the introspection to really get into the the introspection to really get into the meat of it into the context. meat of it into the context. meat of it into the context. >> Where does selfrust come from? >> Where does selfrust come from? >> Where does selfrust come from? [gasps] [gasps] [gasps] >> Selfrust >> Selfrust >> Selfrust Selfrust will be my greatest obsession Selfrust will be my greatest obsession Selfrust will be my greatest obsession for the foreseeable future. Um, for the foreseeable future. Um, for the foreseeable future. Um, selfchest is essentially building a selfchest is essentially building a selfchest is essentially building a relationship with yourself that allows relationship with yourself that allows relationship with yourself that allows you to know who you are, like who you you to know who you are, like who you you to know who you are, like who you are, and build a life that actually are, and build a life that actually are, and build a life that actually feels like yours. That's like, we feels like yours. That's like, we feels like yours. That's like, we summarize it. That's the brief synopsis. summarize it. That's the brief synopsis. summarize it. That's the brief synopsis. Selfrust to me is Selfrust to me is Selfrust to me is ultimately what you have to build in ultimately what you have to build in ultimately what you have to build in order to find fulfillment, sustainable order to find fulfillment, sustainable order to find fulfillment, sustainable fulfillment in this life. The way that I fulfillment in this life. The way that I fulfillment in this life. The way that I see it, the majority of our issues, um, see it, the majority of our issues, um, see it, the majority of our issues, um, emotional anyway, issues come from emotional anyway, issues come from emotional anyway, issues come from uncertainty. What's going to happen to uncertainty. What's going to happen to uncertainty. What's going to happen to me? What are people going to think of me? What are people going to think of me? What are people going to think of me? What am I going to think of myself? me? What am I going to think of myself? me? What am I going to think of myself? What happens if this uncontrollable What happens if this uncontrollable What happens if this uncontrollable thing plays out? How am I going to thing plays out? How am I going to thing plays out? How am I going to handle it? But more importantly, how am handle it? But more importantly, how am handle it? But more importantly, how am I going to feel if this person breaks up I going to feel if this person breaks up I going to feel if this person breaks up with me? If I don't get this job, if with me? If I don't get this job, if with me? If I don't get this job, if someone that I love dies, if there someone that I love dies, if there someone that I love dies, if there right, most of it is how am I going to right, most of it is how am I going to right, most of it is how am I going to feel on the other end of that? And feel on the other end of that? And feel on the other end of that? And there's no way to outrun that there's no way to outrun that there's no way to outrun that uncertainty. There's no means of control uncertainty. There's no means of control uncertainty. There's no means of control or no ability, no strategy that was or no ability, no strategy that was or no ability, no strategy that was going to apply to all of those going to apply to all of those going to apply to all of those situations except for trusting that you situations except for trusting that you situations except for trusting that you will be there in and in every single one will be there in and in every single one will be there in and in every single one of those situations. You'll be you'll be of those situations. You'll be you'll be of those situations. You'll be you'll be on the other end of that supporting on the other end of that supporting on the other end of that supporting yourself. yourself. yourself. >> The way that I kind of break it down, >> The way that I kind of break it down, >> The way that I kind of break it down, there's four C's of selfrust. Number one there's four C's of selfrust. Number one there's four C's of selfrust. Number one is curiosity. So, do you know what is curiosity. So, do you know what is curiosity. So, do you know what you're feeling? Do you know why you're you're feeling? Do you know why you're you're feeling? Do you know why you're feeling that way? Do you know what you feeling that way? Do you know what you feeling that way? Do you know what you want in this situation, in the next want in this situation, in the next want in this situation, in the next situation, in life in general? Um, do situation, in life in general? Um, do situation, in life in general? Um, do you know what you don't want? How well you know what you don't want? How well you know what you don't want? How well do you how much space do you give do you how much space do you give do you how much space do you give yourself to really ask yourself the hard yourself to really ask yourself the hard yourself to really ask yourself the hard questions or the fun questions and learn questions or the fun questions and learn questions or the fun questions and learn the answers? The next one is capacity. the answers? The next one is capacity. the answers? The next one is capacity. So, how good are you at being So, how good are you at being So, how good are you at being emotionally flexible? When discomfort emotionally flexible? When discomfort emotionally flexible? When discomfort arises, do you trust yourself to stay in arises, do you trust yourself to stay in arises, do you trust yourself to stay in the disappointment, in the sadness, to the disappointment, in the sadness, to the disappointment, in the sadness, to support yourself through that? When support yourself through that? When support yourself through that? When things go really well, do you trust things go really well, do you trust things go really well, do you trust yourself to not totally self-sabotage yourself to not totally self-sabotage yourself to not totally self-sabotage and [ __ ] it all up, screw it all up? Um, and [ __ ] it all up, screw it all up? Um, and [ __ ] it all up, screw it all up? Um, [laughter] and then you're looking at [laughter] and then you're looking at [laughter] and then you're looking at compassion. That's the fourth one. So, compassion. That's the fourth one. So, compassion. That's the fourth one. So, do you have uh compassion for your own do you have uh compassion for your own do you have uh compassion for your own not not just yourself, but also an not not just yourself, but also an not not just yourself, but also an understanding of um your intentions? understanding of um your intentions? understanding of um your intentions? Like, do you trust your heart? you have Like, do you trust your heart? you have Like, do you trust your heart? you have compassion, that you're compassion, that you're compassion, that you're well-intentioned, and that still means well-intentioned, and that still means well-intentioned, and that still means you're going to screw up sometimes, you're going to screw up sometimes, you're going to screw up sometimes, right? Can you recognize your own right? Can you recognize your own right? Can you recognize your own humanity? And then the last one, C, uh, humanity? And then the last one, C, uh, humanity? And then the last one, C, uh, last C, is commitment, which is, do I last C, is commitment, which is, do I last C, is commitment, which is, do I know the kind of life that I want to know the kind of life that I want to know the kind of life that I want to build? Do I know the kind of person that build? Do I know the kind of person that build? Do I know the kind of person that I want to be? And am I committed, I want to be? And am I committed, I want to be? And am I committed, devoted to bringing that to fruition? Am devoted to bringing that to fruition? Am devoted to bringing that to fruition? Am I committed to this life? Because that's I committed to this life? Because that's I committed to this life? Because that's what's going to move you forward through what's going to move you forward through what's going to move you forward through all of that. So, in short, that's what all of that. So, in short, that's what all of that. So, in short, that's what selfrust is. selfrust is. selfrust is. >> [sighs and gasps] >> [sighs and gasps] >> [sighs and gasps] >> Which one do people struggle with the >> Which one do people struggle with the >> Which one do people struggle with the most? >> Either capacity or curiosity. >> Either capacity or curiosity. >> Why? >> I think we like to >> I think we like to pretend that we're curious, especially pretend that we're curious, especially pretend that we're curious, especially in today's day and age. I have a label in today's day and age. I have a label in today's day and age. I have a label for everything. I'll just find the for everything. I'll just find the for everything. I'll just find the label. I'll explain it all away. Give me label. I'll explain it all away. Give me label. I'll explain it all away. Give me the diagnosis and I can stick a band-aid the diagnosis and I can stick a band-aid the diagnosis and I can stick a band-aid on it and we can just keep pushing. on it and we can just keep pushing. on it and we can just keep pushing. You sell yourself short when you do You sell yourself short when you do You sell yourself short when you do that. You sell yourself short when you that. You sell yourself short when you that. You sell yourself short when you don't take the time to maybe question don't take the time to maybe question don't take the time to maybe question the label or look underneath the label. the label or look underneath the label. the label or look underneath the label. What's What are you really feeling? What What's What are you really feeling? What What's What are you really feeling? What are you experiencing? What makes up this are you experiencing? What makes up this are you experiencing? What makes up this pattern that you don't like? Um, are you pattern that you don't like? Um, are you pattern that you don't like? Um, are you picking shitty partners because you have picking shitty partners because you have picking shitty partners because you have daddy issues? Slap the label on it and daddy issues? Slap the label on it and daddy issues? Slap the label on it and do away with it. Well, I've explained do away with it. Well, I've explained do away with it. Well, I've explained it. I'm done with the curiosity. What do it. I'm done with the curiosity. What do it. I'm done with the curiosity. What do you mean? Let me move on to the next you mean? Let me move on to the next you mean? Let me move on to the next one. Rather than there's an association one. Rather than there's an association one. Rather than there's an association that I have where love is supposed to that I have where love is supposed to that I have where love is supposed to feel like abandonment. feel like abandonment. feel like abandonment. >> There's this association that I have >> There's this association that I have >> There's this association that I have that love is supposed to hurt. So I'm that love is supposed to hurt. So I'm that love is supposed to hurt. So I'm supposed to expect these like high highs supposed to expect these like high highs supposed to expect these like high highs and then these super low lows. and then these super low lows. and then these super low lows. That's the real problem with my That's the real problem with my That's the real problem with my association with love. If I just slapped association with love. If I just slapped association with love. If I just slapped the label on it, y the label on it, y the label on it, y >> I'd miss the whole the all the important >> I'd miss the whole the all the important >> I'd miss the whole the all the important stuff, all the context. stuff, all the context. stuff, all the context. >> It's a protection mechanism in some >> It's a protection mechanism in some >> It's a protection mechanism in some ways. A shallow level of curiosity that, ways. A shallow level of curiosity that, ways. A shallow level of curiosity that, oh well, now I've pathized it or oh well, now I've pathized it or oh well, now I've pathized it or identified it or given a term for it. identified it or given a term for it. identified it or given a term for it. That's enough. I've done the work. You That's enough. I've done the work. You That's enough. I've done the work. You know, that that's actually antithetical know, that that's actually antithetical know, that that's actually antithetical to doing the work. It's actually pushing to doing the work. It's actually pushing to doing the work. It's actually pushing you away from it because it's making you you away from it because it's making you you away from it because it's making you feel like you've done something whilst feel like you've done something whilst feel like you've done something whilst actually stopping you from diving into actually stopping you from diving into actually stopping you from diving into the thing that would have fixed it. the thing that would have fixed it. the thing that would have fixed it. >> Bingo. Totally. >> Bingo. Totally. >> Bingo. Totally. >> Completely. And the other part is the >> Completely. And the other part is the >> Completely. And the other part is the curiosity continues on. I mean, it's curiosity continues on. I mean, it's curiosity continues on. I mean, it's kind of ever changing the way that we kind of ever changing the way that we kind of ever changing the way that we feel, the things that we want, change feel, the things that we want, change feel, the things that we want, change shape, change form. So, there's there's shape, change form. So, there's there's shape, change form. So, there's there's a lot there. Um, and then capacity. a lot there. Um, and then capacity. a lot there. Um, and then capacity. We're not really good at sitting in We're not really good at sitting in We're not really good at sitting in discomfort. We're pretty good at finding discomfort. We're pretty good at finding discomfort. We're pretty good at finding every possible way to get out of it, every possible way to get out of it, every possible way to get out of it, around it, under it, over it, all of the around it, under it, over it, all of the around it, under it, over it, all of the things. things. things. And um And um And um we typically prefer what's familiar over we typically prefer what's familiar over we typically prefer what's familiar over what's unfamiliar. So if we're used to what's unfamiliar. So if we're used to what's unfamiliar. So if we're used to our certain few emotions, we're used to our certain few emotions, we're used to our certain few emotions, we're used to good bit of disappointment, good bit of good bit of disappointment, good bit of good bit of disappointment, good bit of sadness, a little bit of anxiety, and sadness, a little bit of anxiety, and sadness, a little bit of anxiety, and then a smidge of joy, we're going to then a smidge of joy, we're going to then a smidge of joy, we're going to probably stay within that ratio unless probably stay within that ratio unless probably stay within that ratio unless we intentionally decide to expand the we intentionally decide to expand the we intentionally decide to expand the capacity there capacity there capacity there >> where it's like, no, no, no, no. I'm not >> where it's like, no, no, no, no. I'm not >> where it's like, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to stay in the disappointment. I'm going to stay in the disappointment. I'm going to stay in the disappointment. I'm going to teach myself how to move going to teach myself how to move going to teach myself how to move through it. I'm going to support myself through it. I'm going to support myself through it. I'm going to support myself in whatever I need to do to move through in whatever I need to do to move through in whatever I need to do to move through this rather than just staying in it and this rather than just staying in it and this rather than just staying in it and drowning in it. Whether that be drowning in it. Whether that be drowning in it. Whether that be >> or fleeing from it >> or fleeing from it >> or fleeing from it >> or fleeing from it. Yes. Exactly. And >> or fleeing from it. Yes. Exactly. And >> or fleeing from it. Yes. Exactly. And the the positive quote unquote emotions. the the positive quote unquote emotions. the the positive quote unquote emotions. It's the same thing. We we like to It's the same thing. We we like to It's the same thing. We we like to think, well, if I can just get rid of my think, well, if I can just get rid of my think, well, if I can just get rid of my anger and my sadness and my anger and my sadness and my anger and my sadness and my disappointment and all of that, I can disappointment and all of that, I can disappointment and all of that, I can just relish in all of these good just relish in all of these good just relish in all of these good emotions. And the reality is 99% of us, emotions. And the reality is 99% of us, emotions. And the reality is 99% of us, if we took a good hard look at it, when if we took a good hard look at it, when if we took a good hard look at it, when the good stuff comes up, we're either the good stuff comes up, we're either the good stuff comes up, we're either waiting for the shoe to drop, well, it's waiting for the shoe to drop, well, it's waiting for the shoe to drop, well, it's not going to last long. So, what's it not going to last long. So, what's it not going to last long. So, what's it going to be? What's going to hurt me? going to be? What's going to hurt me? going to be? What's going to hurt me? Right? We're all we've already checked Right? We're all we've already checked Right? We're all we've already checked out of the happy moment because we're out of the happy moment because we're out of the happy moment because we're expecting something to come around and expecting something to come around and expecting something to come around and and kick us over. Or it's self-inflicted and kick us over. Or it's self-inflicted and kick us over. Or it's self-inflicted and we self-sabotage anyway because we and we self-sabotage anyway because we and we self-sabotage anyway because we don't trust it. M you mentioned there don't trust it. M you mentioned there don't trust it. M you mentioned there about uh people feeling unusually about uh people feeling unusually about uh people feeling unusually familiar with negative patterns in the familiar with negative patterns in the familiar with negative patterns in the present related to something that present related to something that present related to something that they're probably uh they become they're probably uh they become they're probably uh they become acclimatized to from their past. acclimatized to from their past. acclimatized to from their past. >> How much of having a type do you think >> How much of having a type do you think >> How much of having a type do you think is just unresolved trauma showing up in is just unresolved trauma showing up in is just unresolved trauma showing up in adulthood? adulthood? adulthood? [laughter] >> Oh, this is a good one. Can I open my >> Oh, this is a good one. Can I open my new tonic for this one? new tonic for this one? new tonic for this one? >> Get that in you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You >> Get that in you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You >> Get that in you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You need it. Watch the nails. need it. Watch the nails. need it. Watch the nails. >> Thank you. >> Thank you. >> Thank you. >> Uh, yeah. Look, I I >> Uh, yeah. Look, I I >> Uh, yeah. Look, I I >> What do you think? What's your opinion >> What do you think? What's your opinion >> What do you think? What's your opinion on that? on that? on that? >> I think an awful lot of the things that >> I think an awful lot of the things that >> I think an awful lot of the things that feel exciting and activating to people feel exciting and activating to people feel exciting and activating to people in adulthood are absolutely familiarity in adulthood are absolutely familiarity in adulthood are absolutely familiarity masquerading as resonance. masquerading as resonance. masquerading as resonance. >> It's just something from your past. Um, >> It's just something from your past. Um, >> It's just something from your past. Um, there's this line from Kathy Overman there's this line from Kathy Overman there's this line from Kathy Overman where she says, uh, "Your nervous system where she says, uh, "Your nervous system where she says, uh, "Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over will always choose a familiar hell over will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven." an unfamiliar heaven." an unfamiliar heaven." >> And Jesus, [ __ ] if that's not true, >> And Jesus, [ __ ] if that's not true, >> And Jesus, [ __ ] if that's not true, right? Like, how many people right? Like, how many people right? Like, how many people had the distant and difficult to please had the distant and difficult to please had the distant and difficult to please father that they had to perform for father that they had to perform for father that they had to perform for >> and then if love is easily given to them >> and then if love is easily given to them >> and then if love is easily given to them in adulthood, they feel like they should in adulthood, they feel like they should in adulthood, they feel like they should run away run away run away >> or it's not worthy of something. Uh >> or it's not worthy of something. Uh >> or it's not worthy of something. Uh there's something wrong with people who there's something wrong with people who there's something wrong with people who show them love too easily. And there's show them love too easily. And there's show them love too easily. And there's something alluring about people that something alluring about people that something alluring about people that make them work for it, make them work for it, make them work for it, >> even though by definition they're >> even though by definition they're >> even though by definition they're probably the people who aren't showing probably the people who aren't showing probably the people who aren't showing up ready for a relationship and are up ready for a relationship and are up ready for a relationship and are going to turn your life upside down. or going to turn your life upside down. or going to turn your life upside down. or um somebody's mother was unusually um somebody's mother was unusually um somebody's mother was unusually fragile uh or um explosive and uh they fragile uh or um explosive and uh they fragile uh or um explosive and uh they had to walk on eggshells and they get had to walk on eggshells and they get had to walk on eggshells and they get into a relationship with somebody who into a relationship with somebody who into a relationship with somebody who seems to be slightly unpredictable and seems to be slightly unpredictable and seems to be slightly unpredictable and explode when you might not anticipate explode when you might not anticipate explode when you might not anticipate it. it. it. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> And that is felt by their nervous system >> And that is felt by their nervous system >> And that is felt by their nervous system as I've been here before. There is a as I've been here before. There is a as I've been here before. There is a there's kind of an iron law I think of there's kind of an iron law I think of there's kind of an iron law I think of of attachment that of attachment that of attachment that if you have something that's unresolved if you have something that's unresolved if you have something that's unresolved from your childhood, you will continue from your childhood, you will continue from your childhood, you will continue to repeat that pattern until you to repeat that pattern until you to repeat that pattern until you >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> finally resolve it in adulthood or never >> finally resolve it in adulthood or never >> finally resolve it in adulthood or never do. And I think a lot of people end up do. And I think a lot of people end up do. And I think a lot of people end up in the never do, in the never do, in the never do, >> right? that just it's like a book that >> right? that just it's like a book that >> right? that just it's like a book that you started when you were three years you started when you were three years you started when you were three years old, never finished, and then you spend old, never finished, and then you spend old, never finished, and then you spend the rest of your life trying to find a the rest of your life trying to find a the rest of your life trying to find a couple of chapters to finish it off. couple of chapters to finish it off. couple of chapters to finish it off. [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] >> I like that [gasps] it you're speaking >> I like that [gasps] it you're speaking >> I like that [gasps] it you're speaking to the uncertainty that I was mentioning to the uncertainty that I was mentioning to the uncertainty that I was mentioning earlier where it seems like most of the earlier where it seems like most of the earlier where it seems like most of the issues come down to uncertainty issues come down to uncertainty issues come down to uncertainty where what would happen if I didn't where what would happen if I didn't where what would happen if I didn't repeat that pattern? What would happen repeat that pattern? What would happen repeat that pattern? What would happen if I sought out love that wasn't similar if I sought out love that wasn't similar if I sought out love that wasn't similar to what I've always known love to be? to what I've always known love to be? to what I've always known love to be? >> That's somehow scarier to our brains, >> That's somehow scarier to our brains, >> That's somehow scarier to our brains, whether it's conscious or unconscious, whether it's conscious or unconscious, whether it's conscious or unconscious, often unconscious. That's somehow often unconscious. That's somehow often unconscious. That's somehow scarier than the shitty, often scarier than the shitty, often scarier than the shitty, often destructive relationships that this destructive relationships that this destructive relationships that this familiar love brings. But there's familiar love brings. But there's familiar love brings. But there's certainty in it. So if I can rely on the certainty in it. So if I can rely on the certainty in it. So if I can rely on the certainty, at least I know, at least I certainty, at least I know, at least I certainty, at least I know, at least I can choose the devil that I know rather can choose the devil that I know rather can choose the devil that I know rather than the potential devil or the than the potential devil or the than the potential devil or the potential heaven that I don't know. potential heaven that I don't know. potential heaven that I don't know. >> But I think the only way the only way >> But I think the only way the only way >> But I think the only way the only way that we get around that is by being that we get around that is by being that we get around that is by being intentional, by trusting ourselves to go intentional, by trusting ourselves to go intentional, by trusting ourselves to go figure out what we really want and lean figure out what we really want and lean figure out what we really want and lean in to the uncertainty and the lack of in to the uncertainty and the lack of in to the uncertainty and the lack of familiarity. familiarity. familiarity. >> Why is it the case, do you think that so >> Why is it the case, do you think that so >> Why is it the case, do you think that so many people mistake anxiety for many people mistake anxiety for many people mistake anxiety for chemistry? chemistry? chemistry? that [laughter] it's again it's another that [laughter] it's again it's another that [laughter] it's again it's another eye and law. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? eye and law. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? eye and law. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? >> Well, I mean the funny thing about it is >> Well, I mean the funny thing about it is >> Well, I mean the funny thing about it is you're you're just talking about a bunch you're you're just talking about a bunch you're you're just talking about a bunch of bodily sensations. Yeah. of bodily sensations. Yeah. of bodily sensations. Yeah. >> They're effect a effective feelings. >> They're effect a effective feelings. >> They're effect a effective feelings. >> And so it's kind of funny because you >> And so it's kind of funny because you >> And so it's kind of funny because you asked that and my first thought is well asked that and my first thought is well asked that and my first thought is well it doesn't have to be anxiety and it it doesn't have to be anxiety and it it doesn't have to be anxiety and it doesn't have to be it could be simply doesn't have to be it could be simply doesn't have to be it could be simply excitement versus to other people it's excitement versus to other people it's excitement versus to other people it's the red flag. So it's really just your the red flag. So it's really just your the red flag. So it's really just your understanding of those bodily understanding of those bodily understanding of those bodily sensations. So, if you're talking to sensations. So, if you're talking to sensations. So, if you're talking to someone who grew up with really steady someone who grew up with really steady someone who grew up with really steady caregivers, really attuned caregivers, caregivers, really attuned caregivers, caregivers, really attuned caregivers, pretty much everything you just said, if pretty much everything you just said, if pretty much everything you just said, if you're looking at that person and their you're looking at that person and their you're looking at that person and their association with love is going to be association with love is going to be association with love is going to be calm and steady and consistent versus calm and steady and consistent versus calm and steady and consistent versus someone else who's really used to someone else who's really used to someone else who's really used to inconsistent caregivers not feeling like inconsistent caregivers not feeling like inconsistent caregivers not feeling like a priority, love being hot and cold or a priority, love being hot and cold or a priority, love being hot and cold or hurtful, then that sense of adrenaline hurtful, then that sense of adrenaline hurtful, then that sense of adrenaline that kicks in. When you meet someone who that kicks in. When you meet someone who that kicks in. When you meet someone who mimics the same, you're going to think, mimics the same, you're going to think, mimics the same, you're going to think, "Oh, that's love. That's love. Yeah. "Oh, that's love. That's love. Yeah. "Oh, that's love. That's love. Yeah. >> Because I'm so used to these these highs >> Because I'm so used to these these highs >> Because I'm so used to these these highs and these lows. And so the adrenaline in and these lows. And so the adrenaline in and these lows. And so the adrenaline in the body is essentially either a red the body is essentially either a red the body is essentially either a red flag or you've learned that that flag or you've learned that that flag or you've learned that that sensation is what love is. sensation is what love is. sensation is what love is. >> Love. >> Love. >> Love. >> Isn't it interesting the way that this >> Isn't it interesting the way that this >> Isn't it interesting the way that this stuff gets modeled? So let's say that stuff gets modeled? So let's say that stuff gets modeled? So let's say that somebody's grown up in a two parent somebody's grown up in a two parent somebody's grown up in a two parent household uh and it's been the same household uh and it's been the same household uh and it's been the same parents from when they were born. You're parents from when they were born. You're parents from when they were born. You're getting to not only have your getting to not only have your getting to not only have your relationship with both attachment relationship with both attachment relationship with both attachment figures and you're getting to learn what figures and you're getting to learn what figures and you're getting to learn what care and regulation and this is what care and regulation and this is what care and regulation and this is what happens when I I need someone to look happens when I I need someone to look happens when I I need someone to look after me and this is what happens when after me and this is what happens when after me and this is what happens when I've got a problem and this is what I've got a problem and this is what I've got a problem and this is what happens when I've done something wrong happens when I've done something wrong happens when I've done something wrong like am I safe in realizing that I'm like am I safe in realizing that I'm like am I safe in realizing that I'm going to be loved on the other side of going to be loved on the other side of going to be loved on the other side of this that I can do something wrong and this that I can do something wrong and this that I can do something wrong and it doesn't make me worried about it doesn't make me worried about it doesn't make me worried about abandonment. Um, but you're also getting abandonment. Um, but you're also getting abandonment. Um, but you're also getting to model the example, the first romantic to model the example, the first romantic to model the example, the first romantic relationship example that you've ever relationship example that you've ever relationship example that you've ever seen, which is the two caregivers seen, which is the two caregivers seen, which is the two caregivers between themselves. between themselves. between themselves. >> So, it's kind of this weird >> So, it's kind of this weird >> So, it's kind of this weird reinforcement loop, right? You've got reinforcement loop, right? You've got reinforcement loop, right? You've got it's almost weird to call it it's almost weird to call it it's almost weird to call it environmental because it's so preverbal. environmental because it's so preverbal. environmental because it's so preverbal. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> And it's it's it's it's just beyond what >> And it's it's it's it's just beyond what >> And it's it's it's it's just beyond what your mom did during pregnancy, you know? your mom did during pregnancy, you know? your mom did during pregnancy, you know? It's like it's almost the same as your It's like it's almost the same as your It's like it's almost the same as your mom smoking during pregnancy or drinking mom smoking during pregnancy or drinking mom smoking during pregnancy or drinking or doing whatever or like being real or doing whatever or like being real or doing whatever or like being real calm and and and looking after her calm and and and looking after her calm and and and looking after her choline levels and eating loads of eggs, choline levels and eating loads of eggs, choline levels and eating loads of eggs, whatever. I don't know what women do. Um whatever. I don't know what women do. Um whatever. I don't know what women do. Um I need to do research on that. Um it it I need to do research on that. Um it it I need to do research on that. Um it it is just outside of that window, but is just outside of that window, but is just outside of that window, but you're so permeable. you're so permeable. you're so permeable. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Like kids are so absorbent to this stuff >> Like kids are so absorbent to this stuff >> Like kids are so absorbent to this stuff that it's kind of almost there anyway. that it's kind of almost there anyway. that it's kind of almost there anyway. And then you grow up and you get to have And then you grow up and you get to have And then you grow up and you get to have this reinforcement, but you've already this reinforcement, but you've already this reinforcement, but you've already got the predisposition. There's already got the predisposition. There's already got the predisposition. There's already a genetic predisposition for attachment a genetic predisposition for attachment a genetic predisposition for attachment style, right? style, right? style, right? >> And then that's got reinforced preverbal >> And then that's got reinforced preverbal >> And then that's got reinforced preverbal >> with the extended pregnancy thing of you >> with the extended pregnancy thing of you >> with the extended pregnancy thing of you naugh to three, naugh to four years old naugh to three, naugh to four years old naugh to three, naugh to four years old or whatever. And then you come online at or whatever. And then you come online at or whatever. And then you come online at some point as like a conscious being and some point as like a conscious being and some point as like a conscious being and then you're seeing envir proper then you're seeing envir proper then you're seeing envir proper environmental. Well, that's how mom and environmental. Well, that's how mom and environmental. Well, that's how mom and dad relate to each other. That's what an dad relate to each other. That's what an dad relate to each other. That's what an argument is. argument is. argument is. >> That's what that's what um a slow Sunday >> That's what that's what um a slow Sunday >> That's what that's what um a slow Sunday looks like. That's what happens when we looks like. That's what happens when we looks like. That's what happens when we get stuck in traffic. Mhm. get stuck in traffic. Mhm. get stuck in traffic. Mhm. >> That's what happens when somebody messes >> That's what happens when somebody messes >> That's what happens when somebody messes up. That's how long it takes to come up. That's how long it takes to come up. That's how long it takes to come back together after someone's become back together after someone's become back together after someone's become disregulated. disregulated. disregulated. All of these things. And it feels like a All of these things. And it feels like a All of these things. And it feels like a real double, triple, quadruple whammy. real double, triple, quadruple whammy. real double, triple, quadruple whammy. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Of >> Of >> Of you had this predisposition genetically. you had this predisposition genetically. you had this predisposition genetically. It was reinforced It was reinforced It was reinforced preverbally directly to you and then you preverbally directly to you and then you preverbally directly to you and then you got to see it between your parents uh uh got to see it between your parents uh uh got to see it between your parents uh uh environmentally, culturally reinforced environmentally, culturally reinforced environmentally, culturally reinforced too. It's it is really no surprise that too. It's it is really no surprise that too. It's it is really no surprise that sort of people become who they are in sort of people become who they are in sort of people become who they are in those words. those words. those words. >> I would love to see how long it would >> I would love to see how long it would >> I would love to see how long it would take too to take too to take too to >> to see if there's any change in that >> to see if there's any change in that >> to see if there's any change in that predisposition. like how many uh predisposition. like how many uh predisposition. like how many uh generations would it take to generations would it take to generations would it take to >> how much therapy [laughter] does it take >> how much therapy [laughter] does it take >> how much therapy [laughter] does it take to unwind this? to unwind this? to unwind this? >> Yes, exactly. >> Yes, exactly. >> Yes, exactly. >> Um and obviously, you know, genetics >> Um and obviously, you know, genetics >> Um and obviously, you know, genetics load the gun environment pulls the load the gun environment pulls the load the gun environment pulls the trigger. But at the core of all of that, trigger. But at the core of all of that, trigger. But at the core of all of that, the first question that we have is am I the first question that we have is am I the first question that we have is am I safe? safe? safe? >> Am I safe? Do I belong? >> Am I safe? Do I belong? >> Am I safe? Do I belong? >> Does any or is anyone paying attention >> Does any or is anyone paying attention >> Does any or is anyone paying attention to me? Because if they are and I'm safe to me? Because if they are and I'm safe to me? Because if they are and I'm safe then I can look at all these other then I can look at all these other then I can look at all these other things you know how I relate to other things you know how I relate to other things you know how I relate to other people and how you know do I get to have people and how you know do I get to have people and how you know do I get to have creative freedom to be my own individual creative freedom to be my own individual creative freedom to be my own individual person do you know what do I want to do person do you know what do I want to do person do you know what do I want to do you those questions come second to am I you those questions come second to am I you those questions come second to am I safe and the question that comes right safe and the question that comes right safe and the question that comes right after that is then do I belong do people after that is then do I belong do people after that is then do I belong do people love me enough to pay attention if we love me enough to pay attention if we love me enough to pay attention if we don't get those needs satisfied if we don't get those needs satisfied if we don't get those needs satisfied if we don't don't don't >> and sometimes it happens later than it >> and sometimes it happens later than it >> and sometimes it happens later than it should a lot of the times it happens should a lot of the times it happens should a lot of the times it happens later than it later than it later than it Um, it's really difficult to try and Um, it's really difficult to try and Um, it's really difficult to try and figure out how to have a super healthy, figure out how to have a super healthy, figure out how to have a super healthy, secure relationship on top of that. How secure relationship on top of that. How secure relationship on top of that. How to chase your dreams and be super to chase your dreams and be super to chase your dreams and be super ambitious and still have a good balance ambitious and still have a good balance ambitious and still have a good balance and feel good about yourself. And that's and feel good about yourself. And that's and feel good about yourself. And that's really difficult if your fundamental really difficult if your fundamental really difficult if your fundamental needs of do I belong enough me at my needs of do I belong enough me at my needs of do I belong enough me at my core, do I belong enough for people to core, do I belong enough for people to core, do I belong enough for people to care and want me around? like am I am I care and want me around? like am I am I care and want me around? like am I am I phys physically and psychologically phys physically and psychologically phys physically and psychologically emotionally safe emotionally safe emotionally safe >> that's going to follow you around like a >> that's going to follow you around like a >> that's going to follow you around like a ghost ghost ghost >> if you don't figure out >> if you don't figure out >> if you don't figure out >> if you don't figure out the answer to >> if you don't figure out the answer to >> if you don't figure out the answer to that question you like do you feel safe that question you like do you feel safe that question you like do you feel safe yes or no but even more so than the yes or no but even more so than the yes or no but even more so than the defense mechanisms or coping mechanisms defense mechanisms or coping mechanisms defense mechanisms or coping mechanisms that you have um to try and meet that that you have um to try and meet that that you have um to try and meet that need because we all have them. So, if need because we all have them. So, if need because we all have them. So, if we're talking about self-actualization, we're talking about self-actualization, we're talking about self-actualization, which we kind of are in that whole which we kind of are in that whole which we kind of are in that whole thing, you have to start at the bottom, thing, you have to start at the bottom, thing, you have to start at the bottom, which is safety and belonging. which is safety and belonging. which is safety and belonging. >> I've learned from over a thousand >> I've learned from over a thousand >> I've learned from over a thousand podcast episodes that the easier you podcast episodes that the easier you podcast episodes that the easier you make your health routine, the more make your health routine, the more make your health routine, the more consistent you'll be. It's like golf, consistent you'll be. It's like golf, consistent you'll be. It's like golf, right? 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Right now, you can get a free AG1 welcome kit now, you can get a free AG1 welcome kit now, you can get a free AG1 welcome kit that includes a bottle of D3 K2, an AG1 that includes a bottle of D3 K2, an AG1 that includes a bottle of D3 K2, an AG1 flavor sampler, and that 90-day money flavor sampler, and that 90-day money flavor sampler, and that 90-day money back guarantee by going to the link in back guarantee by going to the link in back guarantee by going to the link in the description below or heading to the description below or heading to the description below or heading to drinkag.com/modernwisdom. How does somebody build safety as an How does somebody build safety as an adult? adult? adult? >> I think it's I would start with the >> I think it's I would start with the >> I think it's I would start with the question of who do you have to be? question of who do you have to be? question of who do you have to be? to be loved. That's a pretty good place to be loved. That's a pretty good place to be loved. That's a pretty good place to start because ideally the answer is to start because ideally the answer is to start because ideally the answer is well myself. And it feels it feels quite well myself. And it feels it feels quite well myself. And it feels it feels quite easy to say that. You're like, well, easy to say that. You're like, well, easy to say that. You're like, well, there's just, you know, I'm me and my there's just, you know, I'm me and my there's just, you know, I'm me and my mom loves me because of this. My best mom loves me because of this. My best mom loves me because of this. My best friends love me because I'm just myself. friends love me because I'm just myself. friends love me because I'm just myself. You I don't I don't feel like I have to You I don't I don't feel like I have to You I don't I don't feel like I have to be all that much. Versus if that be all that much. Versus if that be all that much. Versus if that question causes you to really tense and question causes you to really tense and question causes you to really tense and you're thinking, "Oh my god, well, I you're thinking, "Oh my god, well, I you're thinking, "Oh my god, well, I have to be the guy with this job title have to be the guy with this job title have to be the guy with this job title because status. I have to be the guy because status. I have to be the guy because status. I have to be the guy with this much money because power and with this much money because power and with this much money because power and importance. I have to be the guy that importance. I have to be the guy that importance. I have to be the guy that never shows his emotions and supposed to never shows his emotions and supposed to never shows his emotions and supposed to be strong and sturdy and everyone be strong and sturdy and everyone be strong and sturdy and everyone realizes. It's like realizes. It's like realizes. It's like >> that there's a problem there. >> that there's a problem there. >> that there's a problem there. >> There's a problem there because you >> There's a problem there because you >> There's a problem there because you belong just for existing. I think it's belong just for existing. I think it's belong just for existing. I think it's Bnee Brown that says the opposite of Bnee Brown that says the opposite of Bnee Brown that says the opposite of belonging is fitting in. belonging is fitting in. belonging is fitting in. >> Maybe. >> Maybe. >> Maybe. >> Mhm. Mhm. >> Mhm. Mhm. >> Mhm. Mhm. >> So to that the opposite of belonging, >> So to that the opposite of belonging, >> So to that the opposite of belonging, the opposite of safety is fitting in the opposite of safety is fitting in the opposite of safety is fitting in because you have to be someone that you because you have to be someone that you because you have to be someone that you fundamentally aren't. fundamentally aren't. fundamentally aren't. >> Performance. >> Performance. >> Performance. >> Performing. Yeah. So I would start with >> Performing. Yeah. So I would start with >> Performing. Yeah. So I would start with that question. that question. that question. >> Yeah. It's an interesting one. I I feel >> Yeah. It's an interesting one. I I feel >> Yeah. It's an interesting one. I I feel like the sort of hypervigilance that a like the sort of hypervigilance that a like the sort of hypervigilance that a lot of people are dealing with at the lot of people are dealing with at the lot of people are dealing with at the moment. This need to moment. This need to moment. This need to it is about uncertainty. I think anxiety it is about uncertainty. I think anxiety it is about uncertainty. I think anxiety is is almost exclusively about is is almost exclusively about is is almost exclusively about uncertainty that if I can imagine every uncertainty that if I can imagine every uncertainty that if I can imagine every different potential path that the future different potential path that the future different potential path that the future might take might take might take and imagine it, if it happens, I'll be and imagine it, if it happens, I'll be and imagine it, if it happens, I'll be ready. Yep. ready. Yep. ready. Yep. >> I'll be ready. I'll be ready to take on >> I'll be ready. I'll be ready to take on >> I'll be ready. I'll be ready to take on whatever catastrophe because I've whatever catastrophe because I've whatever catastrophe because I've imagined catastrophes that the physics imagined catastrophes that the physics imagined catastrophes that the physics of reality couldn't even deliver to me. of reality couldn't even deliver to me. of reality couldn't even deliver to me. My grandma's come back from the dead and My grandma's come back from the dead and My grandma's come back from the dead and she's [laughter] she's shouting at me she's [laughter] she's shouting at me she's [laughter] she's shouting at me because I did that thing wrong. And because I did that thing wrong. And because I did that thing wrong. And [gasps] [gasps] [gasps] >> if I can imagine all of the different >> if I can imagine all of the different >> if I can imagine all of the different ways that the future might unfold, ways that the future might unfold, ways that the future might unfold, especially in horrible ways, I don't especially in horrible ways, I don't especially in horrible ways, I don't need to deal with the uncertainty of not need to deal with the uncertainty of not need to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing. I've collapsed down the knowing. I've collapsed down the knowing. I've collapsed down the uncertainty of the world into a albeit uncertainty of the world into a albeit uncertainty of the world into a albeit tragic but certain nightmare. tragic but certain nightmare. tragic but certain nightmare. >> Well, and run that through. Grandma >> Well, and run that through. Grandma >> Well, and run that through. Grandma comes back. Grandma's here yelling at comes back. Grandma's here yelling at comes back. Grandma's here yelling at you. you. you. >> Why is that bad? >> Because I don't belong. Because I'm >> Because I don't belong. Because I'm wrong. wrong. wrong. >> Well, she would probably say something >> Well, she would probably say something >> Well, she would probably say something that would hurt your feelings. that would hurt your feelings. that would hurt your feelings. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> So, you're essentially running away from >> So, you're essentially running away from >> So, you're essentially running away from a bad feeling a bad feeling a bad feeling >> by imagining a worse one. spend days and >> by imagining a worse one. spend days and >> by imagining a worse one. spend days and weeks and months and years trying to weeks and months and years trying to weeks and months and years trying to avoid a bad feeling. avoid a bad feeling. avoid a bad feeling. A bad feeling like you're letting A bad feeling like you're letting A bad feeling like you're letting emotions a feeling run your life and not emotions a feeling run your life and not emotions a feeling run your life and not just run your life but exhaust you in just run your life but exhaust you in just run your life but exhaust you in the process. When if you I mean I'll go the process. When if you I mean I'll go the process. When if you I mean I'll go extreme here when when my mom died extreme here when when my mom died extreme here when when my mom died and I was in my early 20s. I was and I was in my early 20s. I was and I was in my early 20s. I was relatively young. I had younger siblings relatively young. I had younger siblings relatively young. I had younger siblings too. So there was a lot in that. But I too. So there was a lot in that. But I too. So there was a lot in that. But I remember when my mom died, it's like, remember when my mom died, it's like, remember when my mom died, it's like, well, you [sighs] well, you [sighs] well, you [sighs] you have a lot of options here, you have a lot of options here, you have a lot of options here, Quinnland. You can throw your hands up Quinnland. You can throw your hands up Quinnland. You can throw your hands up and, you know, stay in a ball on the and, you know, stay in a ball on the and, you know, stay in a ball on the living room floor for the next 3 to 5 living room floor for the next 3 to 5 living room floor for the next 3 to 5 years and pick your head up then and see years and pick your head up then and see years and pick your head up then and see what's going on. Um or you can, you what's going on. Um or you can, you what's going on. Um or you can, you know, pull yourself up by your know, pull yourself up by your know, pull yourself up by your bootstraps lovingly and just venture out bootstraps lovingly and just venture out bootstraps lovingly and just venture out little by little with the grief, with little by little with the grief, with little by little with the grief, with the sadness, with all of the stuff, you the sadness, with all of the stuff, you the sadness, with all of the stuff, you know, on my shoulders. Just like venture know, on my shoulders. Just like venture know, on my shoulders. Just like venture out little by little every day. And the out little by little every day. And the out little by little every day. And the other the first option really included other the first option really included other the first option really included like, okay, but what happens if I start like, okay, but what happens if I start like, okay, but what happens if I start crying in public? What happens if I get crying in public? What happens if I get crying in public? What happens if I get a call that my brother's having a a call that my brother's having a a call that my brother's having a breakdown? What happens if you x Y or Z? breakdown? What happens if you x Y or Z? breakdown? What happens if you x Y or Z? What happens if I'm in school and I What happens if I'm in school and I What happens if I'm in school and I can't remember? I was in college at the can't remember? I was in college at the can't remember? I was in college at the time. What happens if I'm in school and time. What happens if I'm in school and time. What happens if I'm in school and I can't remember anything on the exam I can't remember anything on the exam I can't remember anything on the exam that I was just studying for? Right. All that I was just studying for? Right. All that I was just studying for? Right. All of these things were essentially what of these things were essentially what of these things were essentially what happens if I get sad. happens if I get sad. happens if I get sad. >> Mhm. Mhm. >> Mhm. Mhm. >> Mhm. Mhm. >> What happens if I have to deal with an >> What happens if I have to deal with an >> What happens if I have to deal with an emotion that I don't want to deal with? emotion that I don't want to deal with? emotion that I don't want to deal with? And there's no way to control that other And there's no way to control that other And there's no way to control that other than to prep yourself, support yourself, than to prep yourself, support yourself, than to prep yourself, support yourself, >> building the capacity to feel these >> building the capacity to feel these >> building the capacity to feel these feelings. And then you aren't so feelings. And then you aren't so feelings. And then you aren't so concerned about what the world's going concerned about what the world's going concerned about what the world's going to throw at you because you know that to throw at you because you know that to throw at you because you know that these big uncomfortable feelings, though these big uncomfortable feelings, though these big uncomfortable feelings, though uncomfortable, you can manage them. You uncomfortable, you can manage them. You uncomfortable, you can manage them. You can feel them and it won't kill you. can feel them and it won't kill you. can feel them and it won't kill you. >> How do you think people know when >> How do you think people know when >> How do you think people know when they're choosing a partner versus they're choosing a partner versus they're choosing a partner versus choosing a wound? choosing a wound? choosing a wound? Like you have this Like you have this Like you have this old old old ancient script that's running inside of ancient script that's running inside of ancient script that's running inside of you. These patterns are laid down. This you. These patterns are laid down. This you. These patterns are laid down. This is what love is. This is how people is what love is. This is how people is what love is. This is how people relate. and then someone comes along. relate. and then someone comes along. relate. and then someone comes along. The difference between chemistry and The difference between chemistry and The difference between chemistry and chaos chaos chaos >> are usually kind of hard to discern. >> are usually kind of hard to discern. >> are usually kind of hard to discern. >> I think the question there I would >> I think the question there I would >> I think the question there I would tailor it a little bit to do you like tailor it a little bit to do you like tailor it a little bit to do you like the way the relationship feels? the way the relationship feels? the way the relationship feels? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Because we can if it's really all >> Because we can if it's really all >> Because we can if it's really all conditioning, right? If the wound is conditioning, right? If the wound is conditioning, right? If the wound is essentially bad conditioning, meaning it essentially bad conditioning, meaning it essentially bad conditioning, meaning it brings out a destructive relationship brings out a destructive relationship brings out a destructive relationship versus positive conditioning, if you versus positive conditioning, if you versus positive conditioning, if you will, positive associations with love, will, positive associations with love, will, positive associations with love, bring you a happy, healthy, stable, bring you a happy, healthy, stable, bring you a happy, healthy, stable, loving, loving, loving, >> of course, relationship. >> of course, relationship. >> of course, relationship. >> It could be my patterns from my past >> It could be my patterns from my past >> It could be my patterns from my past make me only choose people who respect make me only choose people who respect make me only choose people who respect me and are there for me and show up for me and are there for me and show up for me and are there for me and show up for me and make me feel like more of myself. me and make me feel like more of myself. me and make me feel like more of myself. [laughter] I should get rid of those. [laughter] I should get rid of those. [laughter] I should get rid of those. No, no, no, no, no. Keep those ones. You No, no, no, no, no. Keep those ones. You No, no, no, no, no. Keep those ones. You need those ones. need those ones. need those ones. >> So, I think the real question is how do >> So, I think the real question is how do >> So, I think the real question is how do you know if you're choosing from from a you know if you're choosing from from a you know if you're choosing from from a wounded place? It's well, do you like wounded place? It's well, do you like wounded place? It's well, do you like the way the relationship feels? the way the relationship feels? the way the relationship feels? >> And if not, there's probably something >> And if not, there's probably something >> And if not, there's probably something in your conditioning in your conditioning in your conditioning that has taught you to associate this that has taught you to associate this that has taught you to associate this subpar behavior subpar behavior subpar behavior >> with love. And >> with love. And >> with love. And >> bit interesting. That's it's a great >> bit interesting. That's it's a great >> bit interesting. That's it's a great it's a great answer. But how many people it's a great answer. But how many people it's a great answer. But how many people are surprised by well are surprised by well are surprised by well yeah my relationship probably should yeah my relationship probably should yeah my relationship probably should make me feel good all the time most of make me feel good all the time most of make me feel good all the time most of the time. the time. the time. [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] >> Revolutionary. >> Revolutionary. >> Revolutionary. >> Show me where. >> Show me where. >> Show me where. >> You know what I mean? Show me. >> You know what I mean? Show me. >> You know what I mean? Show me. >> Yeah. Like that that that is Well, no. >> Yeah. Like that that that is Well, no. >> Yeah. Like that that that is Well, no. Cuz cuz you know it's life's hard and Cuz cuz you know it's life's hard and Cuz cuz you know it's life's hard and life's supposed to be hard and sometimes life's supposed to be hard and sometimes life's supposed to be hard and sometimes think Yeah. Okay. But up to a point. think Yeah. Okay. But up to a point. think Yeah. Okay. But up to a point. >> Yes. And life is hard in a lot of other >> Yes. And life is hard in a lot of other >> Yes. And life is hard in a lot of other areas. I don't think that your areas. I don't think that your areas. I don't think that your relationship is supposed to be one of relationship is supposed to be one of relationship is supposed to be one of them. them. them. >> I agree. >> I agree. >> I agree. >> I came across this line. Um, >> I came across this line. Um, >> I came across this line. Um, if you're working this hard to make it if you're working this hard to make it if you're working this hard to make it work, it isn't working. work, it isn't working. work, it isn't working. >> Mhm. You had a conversation with >> Mhm. You had a conversation with >> Mhm. You had a conversation with someone, someone, someone, I can't remember who, hopefully you do. I can't remember who, hopefully you do. I can't remember who, hopefully you do. Um, basically saying if all of the late Um, basically saying if all of the late Um, basically saying if all of the late night journaling sessions and all of night journaling sessions and all of night journaling sessions and all of these tough difficult conversation, like these tough difficult conversation, like these tough difficult conversation, like if it's really not quite moving the if it's really not quite moving the if it's really not quite moving the needle, you probably need to leave. needle, you probably need to leave. needle, you probably need to leave. >> Yeah. Well, that's I think a pattern >> Yeah. Well, that's I think a pattern >> Yeah. Well, that's I think a pattern that a lot of people that are big into that a lot of people that are big into that a lot of people that are big into personal growth and working hard on personal growth and working hard on personal growth and working hard on themselves feel, which is I've been rewarded throughout my entire I've been rewarded throughout my entire life. life. life. If I work harder, things get better. If I work harder, things get better. If I work harder, things get better. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Which means that if this isn't working, >> Which means that if this isn't working, >> Which means that if this isn't working, I just need to work harder. It's a I just need to work harder. It's a I just need to work harder. It's a challenge. challenge. challenge. >> And guess what? >> And guess what? >> And guess what? >> To the people that listen to modern >> To the people that listen to modern >> To the people that listen to modern wisdom, challenges are their [ __ ] wisdom, challenges are their [ __ ] wisdom, challenges are their [ __ ] thing. [laughter] thing. [laughter] thing. [laughter] >> Yeah. Is whatever. >> Yeah. Is whatever. >> Yeah. Is whatever. >> They're the sort of people that eat >> They're the sort of people that eat >> They're the sort of people that eat challenges for breakfast. challenges for breakfast. challenges for breakfast. >> Unfortunately, they are applying a noble >> Unfortunately, they are applying a noble >> Unfortunately, they are applying a noble mindset to the wrong environment. mindset to the wrong environment. mindset to the wrong environment. >> Well, then you're looking at I mean, >> Well, then you're looking at I mean, >> Well, then you're looking at I mean, think about like the hydonic treadmill. think about like the hydonic treadmill. think about like the hydonic treadmill. where things get great and you get the where things get great and you get the where things get great and you get the promotion or you get the great new promotion or you get the great new promotion or you get the great new girlfriend and you love her somewhere, girlfriend and you love her somewhere, girlfriend and you love her somewhere, you get the great new boyfriend, you get the great new boyfriend, you get the great new boyfriend, whatever, whatever, you're naturally whatever, whatever, you're naturally whatever, whatever, you're naturally going to come back down going to come back down going to come back down >> to baseline and the novelty wears off. >> to baseline and the novelty wears off. >> to baseline and the novelty wears off. >> So, I I I agree with everything you just >> So, I I I agree with everything you just >> So, I I I agree with everything you just said with the caveat that you shouldn't said with the caveat that you shouldn't said with the caveat that you shouldn't be looking to your relationship for be looking to your relationship for be looking to your relationship for something that your relationship isn't something that your relationship isn't something that your relationship isn't supposed to supply all the time. supposed to supply all the time. supposed to supply all the time. >> Peace most of the time. Absolutely. >> Peace most of the time. Absolutely. >> Peace most of the time. Absolutely. love, support most of the time, love, support most of the time, love, support most of the time, absolutely. But novelty, excitement, absolutely. But novelty, excitement, absolutely. But novelty, excitement, um, dread, disappointment, I mean, um, dread, disappointment, I mean, um, dread, disappointment, I mean, right, both sides of the spectrum here right, both sides of the spectrum here right, both sides of the spectrum here is what I'm trying to is what I'm trying to is what I'm trying to >> activation. >> activation. >> activation. >> Yeah, that's that's not where your >> Yeah, that's that's not where your >> Yeah, that's that's not where your relationship is supposed to bring you. I relationship is supposed to bring you. I relationship is supposed to bring you. I I I just think nowadays we aren't I I just think nowadays we aren't I I just think nowadays we aren't comfortable with just being comfortable with just being comfortable with just being really really really not good at just really really really not good at just really really really not good at just being like feeling content is something being like feeling content is something being like feeling content is something I don't hear anyone speak on much these I don't hear anyone speak on much these I don't hear anyone speak on much these days as in people our age just in days as in people our age just in days as in people our age just in conversation like I'm I'm content. conversation like I'm I'm content. conversation like I'm I'm content. >> It's usually oh I'm awful or oh I'm so >> It's usually oh I'm awful or oh I'm so >> It's usually oh I'm awful or oh I'm so fantastic. fantastic. fantastic. >> Yeah. Or I'm grinding I'm driving very >> Yeah. Or I'm grinding I'm driving very >> Yeah. Or I'm grinding I'm driving very hard. It's it's unbelievably radical to hard. It's it's unbelievably radical to hard. It's it's unbelievably radical to say that you're satisfied. say that you're satisfied. say that you're satisfied. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Right. Because it sounds like leaving a >> Right. Because it sounds like leaving a >> Right. Because it sounds like leaving a lot on the table if we live and I'm you lot on the table if we live and I'm you lot on the table if we live and I'm you know big fan big beneficiary of know big fan big beneficiary of know big fan big beneficiary of capitalism. I think it's what's that capitalism. I think it's what's that capitalism. I think it's what's that what's that line? Capitalism is the what's that line? Capitalism is the what's that line? Capitalism is the worst system apart from all of the worst system apart from all of the worst system apart from all of the others. Um [laughter] others. Um [laughter] others. Um [laughter] and uh but the problem is if you got and uh but the problem is if you got and uh but the problem is if you got meritocracy people from what when do meritocracy people from what when do meritocracy people from what when do people go to preschool? Like four years people go to preschool? Like four years people go to preschool? Like four years old or something. There's already this old or something. There's already this old or something. There's already this beginning of a ranking that's going on. beginning of a ranking that's going on. beginning of a ranking that's going on. There's assessments. When's the first There's assessments. When's the first There's assessments. When's the first homework that you get as a kid? Maybe 6 homework that you get as a kid? Maybe 6 homework that you get as a kid? Maybe 6 years old, 7 years old, something like years old, 7 years old, something like years old, 7 years old, something like that. You should take this home and that. You should take this home and that. You should take this home and bring it back with macaroni drawings or bring it back with macaroni drawings or bring it back with macaroni drawings or whatever. whatever. whatever. >> Your name spelled out. >> Your name spelled out. >> Your name spelled out. >> Yeah, exactly. Um >> Yeah, exactly. Um >> Yeah, exactly. Um like that is already beginning to create like that is already beginning to create like that is already beginning to create a if you work hard then you will get a if you work hard then you will get a if you work hard then you will get rewarded. If you work hard then you will rewarded. If you work hard then you will rewarded. If you work hard then you will get rewarded and that just continues to get rewarded and that just continues to get rewarded and that just continues to spin up. spin up. spin up. >> Problem is that creates a situation >> Problem is that creates a situation >> Problem is that creates a situation where you kind of look lazy. M where you kind of look lazy. M where you kind of look lazy. M >> or like you don't have big dreams for >> or like you don't have big dreams for >> or like you don't have big dreams for yourself or a lack of selfrespect or yourself or a lack of selfrespect or yourself or a lack of selfrespect or you're not maximizing your time on this you're not maximizing your time on this you're not maximizing your time on this planet. If you just say, planet. If you just say, planet. If you just say, [gasps and sighs] [gasps and sighs] [gasps and sighs] "I'm good. I really I just like I like "I'm good. I really I just like I like "I'm good. I really I just like I like what I'm doing. I like what I'm doing. I what I'm doing. I like what I'm doing. I what I'm doing. I like what I'm doing. I don't have any desire to 10x it. I don't don't have any desire to 10x it. I don't don't have any desire to 10x it. I don't have any desire to recruit other people have any desire to recruit other people have any desire to recruit other people to do what I'm doing and coach them to to do what I'm doing and coach them to to do what I'm doing and coach them to do it better than me." Now, I was in do it better than me." Now, I was in do it better than me." Now, I was in [clears throat] Bali on this live tour [clears throat] Bali on this live tour [clears throat] Bali on this live tour thing and it was so much fun. I had done thing and it was so much fun. I had done thing and it was so much fun. I had done the last show and I caught up with a the last show and I caught up with a the last show and I caught up with a friend. The friend was out there uh friend. The friend was out there uh friend. The friend was out there uh doing nutrition coaching doing nutrition coaching doing nutrition coaching >> and they'd started this business and and >> and they'd started this business and and >> and they'd started this business and and had previously worked in London and then had previously worked in London and then had previously worked in London and then moved out there and said, "I'm just moved out there and said, "I'm just moved out there and said, "I'm just having the best time working with uh having the best time working with uh having the best time working with uh women who want to optimize their women who want to optimize their women who want to optimize their hormones and stuff and skin health and hormones and stuff and skin health and hormones and stuff and skin health and lose weight and do this." And I said, lose weight and do this." And I said, lose weight and do this." And I said, "How are you working with them? How do "How are you working with them? How do "How are you working with them? How do you work with your clients?" She said, you work with your clients?" She said, you work with your clients?" She said, "Uh, oh, I I I work one-on-one over "Uh, oh, I I I work one-on-one over "Uh, oh, I I I work one-on-one over WhatsApp." And I was like, that's WhatsApp." And I was like, that's WhatsApp." And I was like, that's stupid. What you should do is you should stupid. What you should do is you should stupid. What you should do is you should have a lead magnet on the front end have a lead magnet on the front end have a lead magnet on the front end that's going to capture all of your that's going to capture all of your that's going to capture all of your emails. And then you need a squeeze page emails. And then you need a squeeze page emails. And then you need a squeeze page that gets them in on you need a low end. that gets them in on you need a low end. that gets them in on you need a low end. Yeah, exactly. And then you're going to Yeah, exactly. And then you're going to Yeah, exactly. And then you're going to spin them up. You're going to have the spin them up. You're going to have the spin them up. You're going to have the the low end. And that's just to get the low end. And that's just to get the low end. And that's just to get their credit card information really. their credit card information really. their credit card information really. And then after that, you've got your mid And then after that, you've got your mid And then after that, you've got your mid ticket and that's really where the big ticket and that's really where the big ticket and that's really where the big bulk of people go. But you want your bulk of people go. But you want your bulk of people go. But you want your high ticket people working with you high ticket people working with you high ticket people working with you one-on-one. You can't just give that one-on-one. You can't just give that one-on-one. You can't just give that away. You shouldn't that shouldn't be away. You shouldn't that shouldn't be away. You shouldn't that shouldn't be your base level. That needs to be that your base level. That needs to be that your base level. That needs to be that needs to be the people at the very very needs to be the people at the very very needs to be the people at the very very top. Now, obviously, you're going to top. Now, obviously, you're going to top. Now, obviously, you're going to need a sales team because you can't sell need a sales team because you can't sell need a sales team because you can't sell anything on the internet over about anything on the internet over about anything on the internet over about $2,000 without having a sales call first $2,000 without having a sales call first $2,000 without having a sales call first and you don't want to be doing all the and you don't want to be doing all the and you don't want to be doing all the sales calls. So, you're going to have to sales calls. So, you're going to have to sales calls. So, you're going to have to require a sales team to come in and you require a sales team to come in and you require a sales team to come in and you know, it is going to become a little bit know, it is going to become a little bit know, it is going to become a little bit more complex because you might need a more complex because you might need a more complex because you might need a sales manager manage the sales team. sales manager manage the sales team. sales manager manage the sales team. Then, it's going to look a lot like a Then, it's going to look a lot like a Then, it's going to look a lot like a sales business, but I promise you I like sales business, but I promise you I like sales business, but I promise you I like stopped myself partway through. I'm stopped myself partway through. I'm stopped myself partway through. I'm like, I'm gonna curse this person like, I'm gonna curse this person like, I'm gonna curse this person >> with the exact >> with the exact >> with the exact challenge that so many of my friends are challenge that so many of my friends are challenge that so many of my friends are now trying to extricate themselves from. now trying to extricate themselves from. now trying to extricate themselves from. >> I've overco complicated my business. I >> I've overco complicated my business. I >> I've overco complicated my business. I wanted more, more, more. I've stopped wanted more, more, more. I've stopped wanted more, more, more. I've stopped doing the thing that I wanted to be able doing the thing that I wanted to be able doing the thing that I wanted to be able to do in the past. I'm not I'm no longer to do in the past. I'm not I'm no longer to do in the past. I'm not I'm no longer coaching women on how to improve their coaching women on how to improve their coaching women on how to improve their health. health. health. >> I'm now managing a [ __ ] sales team >> I'm now managing a [ __ ] sales team >> I'm now managing a [ __ ] sales team who sell people on how to who sell people on how to who sell people on how to Have you heard the Mexican fisherman Have you heard the Mexican fisherman Have you heard the Mexican fisherman story? I was going to story? I was going to story? I was going to >> Yeah, I I basically did the the Balines >> Yeah, I I basically did the the Balines >> Yeah, I I basically did the the Balines nutrition coach was the [laughter] nutrition coach was the [laughter] nutrition coach was the [laughter] equivalent of the Mexican fisherman equivalent of the Mexican fisherman equivalent of the Mexican fisherman story. story. story. >> I they had out there living life >> I they had out there living life >> I they had out there living life balanced sometimes working balanced sometimes working balanced sometimes working >> literally saying I'm the happiest I've >> literally saying I'm the happiest I've >> literally saying I'm the happiest I've ever been. And it's ever been. And it's ever been. And it's >> after the sentence of I'm happiest that >> after the sentence of I'm happiest that >> after the sentence of I'm happiest that I've ever been. Like let me tell you how I've ever been. Like let me tell you how I've ever been. Like let me tell you how you can become miserable but richer you can become miserable but richer you can become miserable but richer >> and here are the val well and you're >> and here are the val well and you're >> and here are the val well and you're okay. Now imagine you take that into a okay. Now imagine you take that into a okay. Now imagine you take that into a romantic relationship romantic relationship romantic relationship >> and you're looking at someone who >> and you're looking at someone who >> and you're looking at someone who doesn't value ambition or [snorts] doesn't value ambition or [snorts] doesn't value ambition or [snorts] 100xing their income or um even 100xing their income or um even 100xing their income or um even productivity like efficiency doesn't productivity like efficiency doesn't productivity like efficiency doesn't really matter to them. really matter to them. really matter to them. >> Y >> Y >> Y >> is that inherently bad? >> is that inherently bad? >> is that inherently bad? >> No. It's just not you and or me. I I >> No. It's just not you and or me. I I >> No. It's just not you and or me. I I fall in that category more than I'd like fall in that category more than I'd like fall in that category more than I'd like to admit. But the reality is we're more to admit. But the reality is we're more to admit. But the reality is we're more than likely to look at that person and than likely to look at that person and than likely to look at that person and try to change them, try to project onto try to change them, try to project onto try to change them, try to project onto them what we value rather than looking them what we value rather than looking them what we value rather than looking at them as what they are, which is a at them as what they are, which is a at them as what they are, which is a whole other person. whole other person. whole other person. >> That's an interesting pattern um to a >> That's an interesting pattern um to a >> That's an interesting pattern um to a degree. I certainly think at least my degree. I certainly think at least my degree. I certainly think at least my friends as we all hit our 30s, we friends as we all hit our 30s, we friends as we all hit our 30s, we increasingly valued increasingly valued increasingly valued uh people around us, friends and uh people around us, friends and uh people around us, friends and partners that encourage us to slow down partners that encourage us to slow down partners that encourage us to slow down as opposed to speed up. as opposed to speed up. as opposed to speed up. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And um that's a kind of difficult >> And um that's a kind of difficult >> And um that's a kind of difficult realization. I think a lot of guys realization. I think a lot of guys realization. I think a lot of guys especially, but probably highowered especially, but probably highowered especially, but probably highowered women too will realize this toward the women too will realize this toward the women too will realize this toward the end of their 20ies. They go, I actually end of their 20ies. They go, I actually end of their 20ies. They go, I actually don't want to be around that many more don't want to be around that many more don't want to be around that many more me. Yes, me. Yes, me. Yes, >> I'm me enough for me. >> I'm me enough for me. >> I'm me enough for me. >> I actually could do with someone who >> I actually could do with someone who >> I actually could do with someone who encourages me to take my foot off the encourages me to take my foot off the encourages me to take my foot off the accelerator. Maybe not press the brake, accelerator. Maybe not press the brake, accelerator. Maybe not press the brake, but it's like, "Hey man, let's just but it's like, "Hey man, let's just but it's like, "Hey man, let's just coast for a bit. We can just go and hang coast for a bit. We can just go and hang coast for a bit. We can just go and hang out." out." out." >> And um yeah, it's a strange like a >> And um yeah, it's a strange like a >> And um yeah, it's a strange like a strange realization. strange realization. strange realization. >> Well, you have to be humble enough to >> Well, you have to be humble enough to >> Well, you have to be humble enough to take a look at the mirror in that take a look at the mirror in that take a look at the mirror in that moment. You have to be humble enough to moment. You have to be humble enough to moment. You have to be humble enough to think, "Oh, I think I'm so big and bad. think, "Oh, I think I'm so big and bad. think, "Oh, I think I'm so big and bad. I'm so important I'm so important I'm so important >> that the way that I do it is the best >> that the way that I do it is the best >> that the way that I do it is the best way is the best way. Like who the hell way is the best way. Like who the hell way is the best way. Like who the hell do I sit down, Quinnland? Like do I sit down, Quinnland? Like do I sit down, Quinnland? Like absolutely not. You're and and you're absolutely not. You're and and you're absolutely not. You're and and you're and a lot of people would look at that and a lot of people would look at that and a lot of people would look at that and think, well, they're just not meant and think, well, they're just not meant and think, well, they're just not meant for me. They're just not I'm going to for me. They're just not I'm going to for me. They're just not I'm going to throw away a perfectly fine relationship throw away a perfectly fine relationship throw away a perfectly fine relationship because I'm so caught up in myself and because I'm so caught up in myself and because I'm so caught up in myself and my own values that I'm judging someone my own values that I'm judging someone my own values that I'm judging someone else based on something that is a me else based on something that is a me else based on something that is a me problem. I think we end a lot of good problem. I think we end a lot of good problem. I think we end a lot of good relationships, relationships, relationships, potentially great relationships for that potentially great relationships for that potentially great relationships for that reason. This episode is brought to you reason. This episode is brought to you reason. This episode is brought to you by Whoop. According to my Whoop, I've by Whoop. According to my Whoop, I've by Whoop. 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Do you think avoidant people seem Do you think avoidant people seem disproportionately attractive in the disproportionately attractive in the disproportionately attractive in the dating market? People who have a strong sense of self People who have a strong sense of self are attractive period. A pearl talks a are attractive period. A pearl talks a are attractive period. A pearl talks a lot about this where typically we find lot about this where typically we find lot about this where typically we find our partners most attractive when our partners most attractive when our partners most attractive when they're in their element, when they're they're in their element, when they're they're in their element, when they're self-sufficient, when there's a level of self-sufficient, when there's a level of self-sufficient, when there's a level of mastery or agency at play. We find mastery or agency at play. We find mastery or agency at play. We find people most attractive when they are people most attractive when they are people most attractive when they are doing their own thing. Avoidant people doing their own thing. Avoidant people doing their own thing. Avoidant people just tend to have that on the surface just tend to have that on the surface just tend to have that on the surface more readily available to be seen and more readily available to be seen and more readily available to be seen and admired. They have their lives, their admired. They have their lives, their admired. They have their lives, their jobs, maybe some friends, they hobbies. jobs, maybe some friends, they hobbies. jobs, maybe some friends, they hobbies. There's more going on. They're not so There's more going on. They're not so There's more going on. They're not so obsessed with the validation of everyone obsessed with the validation of everyone obsessed with the validation of everyone else around them, right? Avoidant people else around them, right? Avoidant people else around them, right? Avoidant people just tend to show their more avoidant just tend to show their more avoidant just tend to show their more avoidant tendencies kind of right off the bat because you kind of right off the bat because you can sense it. can sense it. can sense it. >> So, on the surface, yes. I think the >> So, on the surface, yes. I think the >> So, on the surface, yes. I think the answer to your question is yes. answer to your question is yes. answer to your question is yes. avoidance just seem to have more of that avoidance just seem to have more of that avoidance just seem to have more of that um independent sense of self, firm sense um independent sense of self, firm sense um independent sense of self, firm sense of self right off the bat. of self right off the bat. of self right off the bat. >> That's very interesting. I wonder how >> That's very interesting. I wonder how >> That's very interesting. I wonder how much as well the intermittent reward of much as well the intermittent reward of much as well the intermittent reward of we're on, things are good and then hang we're on, things are good and then hang we're on, things are good and then hang on, where the [ __ ] did you go and we're on, where the [ __ ] did you go and we're on, where the [ __ ] did you go and we're on again and things are good and then on again and things are good and then on again and things are good and then you sort of ran away again. you sort of ran away again. you sort of ran away again. >> I wonder how much that combined with >> I wonder how much that combined with >> I wonder how much that combined with they're so impressive. They just seem to they're so impressive. They just seem to they're so impressive. They just seem to have, especially if you have the classic have, especially if you have the classic have, especially if you have the classic sort of anxious and avoidant sort of anxious and avoidant sort of anxious and avoidant relationship coming together, one who relationship coming together, one who relationship coming together, one who maybe is a little bit less self- maybe is a little bit less self- maybe is a little bit less self- assured, one who does need a little bit assured, one who does need a little bit assured, one who does need a little bit more reassurance from the other person, more reassurance from the other person, more reassurance from the other person, and someone else who and someone else who and someone else who seems to have it altogether and can then seems to have it altogether and can then seems to have it altogether and can then provide the amount of stimulation and provide the amount of stimulation and provide the amount of stimulation and reward that you do want and then reward that you do want and then reward that you do want and then withdraw it. withdraw it. withdraw it. >> I think it depends on what you value >> I think it depends on what you value >> I think it depends on what you value >> and a lot of that >> and a lot of that >> and a lot of that often comes with age. I won't say often comes with age. I won't say often comes with age. I won't say always, but you get to a certain point always, but you get to a certain point always, but you get to a certain point where that roller coaster is where that roller coaster is where that roller coaster is unattractive. You get through those unattractive. You get through those unattractive. You get through those first uh inconsistent exchanges. You first uh inconsistent exchanges. You first uh inconsistent exchanges. You haven't texted back in days or canceled haven't texted back in days or canceled haven't texted back in days or canceled plans again. And you part of you just plans again. And you part of you just plans again. And you part of you just says, "I don't no thanks. Not says, "I don't no thanks. Not says, "I don't no thanks. Not interested. Been here 17 times. I'm not interested. Been here 17 times. I'm not interested. Been here 17 times. I'm not interested in an 18th round." Like, "No, interested in an 18th round." Like, "No, interested in an 18th round." Like, "No, thank you. I value communication, thank you. I value communication, thank you. I value communication, transparency. I don't need you available transparency. I don't need you available transparency. I don't need you available to me all the time, but you absolutely to me all the time, but you absolutely to me all the time, but you absolutely need to let me know rather than need to let me know rather than need to let me know rather than canceling last minute or like your canceling last minute or like your canceling last minute or like your standards are just clearer. When you standards are just clearer. When you standards are just clearer. When you know what you value in a relationship, know what you value in a relationship, know what you value in a relationship, it becomes a hell of a lot easier to it becomes a hell of a lot easier to it becomes a hell of a lot easier to say, "Does this feel the way that I want say, "Does this feel the way that I want say, "Does this feel the way that I want love to feel? And if not, I'm good. I love to feel? And if not, I'm good. I love to feel? And if not, I'm good. I don't need to understand why. I don't don't need to understand why. I don't don't need to understand why. I don't need to know why you're avoidant." You need to know why you're avoidant." You need to know why you're avoidant." You know what what what was it your what was know what what what was it your what was know what what what was it your what was it your mom the late night journaling it your mom the late night journaling it your mom the late night journaling sessions? sessions? sessions? >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. Um, it just doesn't help at the end of Um, it just doesn't help at the end of Um, it just doesn't help at the end of the day if the relationship isn't for the day if the relationship isn't for the day if the relationship isn't for the most part feeling the way that you the most part feeling the way that you the most part feeling the way that you want it to feel. That's the important want it to feel. That's the important want it to feel. That's the important distinction. distinction. distinction. >> Such a basic rubric. >> Such a basic rubric. >> Such a basic rubric. >> Crazy mind, >> Crazy mind, >> Crazy mind, >> right? Of all of the different bits of >> right? Of all of the different bits of >> right? Of all of the different bits of relationship advice. relationship advice. relationship advice. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Do you feel good in this relationship? >> Do you feel good in this relationship? >> Do you feel good in this relationship? And is it making you feel the way that And is it making you feel the way that And is it making you feel the way that you wanted to feel? you wanted to feel? you wanted to feel? >> Yeah. And that's a good thing to ask if >> Yeah. And that's a good thing to ask if >> Yeah. And that's a good thing to ask if you're already in a relationship, too. you're already in a relationship, too. you're already in a relationship, too. If you have a conversation with the If you have a conversation with the If you have a conversation with the person you're with, like, hey, is this person you're with, like, hey, is this person you're with, like, hey, is this feeling the way you want it to feel? feeling the way you want it to feel? feeling the way you want it to feel? Pulse check. What's up? Do is there Pulse check. What's up? Do is there Pulse check. What's up? Do is there anything that I can do? Is there better anything that I can do? Is there better anything that I can do? Is there better ways that I can love you? I mean, again, ways that I can love you? I mean, again, ways that I can love you? I mean, again, it's kind of a kind of a cliche at this it's kind of a kind of a cliche at this it's kind of a kind of a cliche at this point, but do you know how the person point, but do you know how the person point, but do you know how the person you're with wants to be loved, or are you're with wants to be loved, or are you're with wants to be loved, or are you coming in so big and bold and you coming in so big and bold and you coming in so big and bold and selfobsessed that you're only giving selfobsessed that you're only giving selfobsessed that you're only giving what you want to receive? what you want to receive? what you want to receive? >> Looking outside of yourself. >> Looking outside of yourself. >> Looking outside of yourself. >> It's an interesting one around >> It's an interesting one around >> It's an interesting one around disappointment. You know, it's it's very disappointment. You know, it's it's very disappointment. You know, it's it's very easy easy easy to to to show up well when things are going well, show up well when things are going well, show up well when things are going well, >> but to sit in I've been disappointed and >> but to sit in I've been disappointed and >> but to sit in I've been disappointed and I now need to try and be my best self to I now need to try and be my best self to I now need to try and be my best self to even if this person doesn't deserve it. even if this person doesn't deserve it. even if this person doesn't deserve it. Like they messed up. Like they messed up. Like they messed up. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> This person messed up. They don't >> This person messed up. They don't >> This person messed up. They don't deserve me to be good deserve me to be good deserve me to be good >> now. Like I'm allowed to stamp my feet >> now. Like I'm allowed to stamp my feet >> now. Like I'm allowed to stamp my feet and be petulant. and be petulant. and be petulant. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. So there's this line from Visakan So there's this line from Visakan So there's this line from Visakan Verasami that he calls the divorce Verasami that he calls the divorce Verasami that he calls the divorce paradox. He says, "Why is it that so paradox. He says, "Why is it that so paradox. He says, "Why is it that so many people seem to divorce their many people seem to divorce their many people seem to divorce their supposed best friend?" And it's that the supposed best friend?" And it's that the supposed best friend?" And it's that the way people handle bad times is a much way people handle bad times is a much way people handle bad times is a much better indicator of how long the better indicator of how long the better indicator of how long the relationship will last than how they relationship will last than how they relationship will last than how they handle good times. handle good times. handle good times. >> And the fact being that if you're able >> And the fact being that if you're able >> And the fact being that if you're able to go through a hard time and come out to go through a hard time and come out to go through a hard time and come out the other side, okay, safety. the other side, okay, safety. the other side, okay, safety. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. That is that that that is so much more That is that that that is so much more That is that that that is so much more predictive than we just didn't have predictive than we just didn't have predictive than we just didn't have enough peak experiences. enough peak experiences. enough peak experiences. >> You [laughter] know, we didn't go to Six >> You [laughter] know, we didn't go to Six >> You [laughter] know, we didn't go to Six Flags enough. Flags enough. Flags enough. >> We didn't go to Six Flags enough. He >> We didn't go to Six Flags enough. He >> We didn't go to Six Flags enough. He wouldn't ride the fast roller coaster wouldn't ride the fast roller coaster wouldn't ride the fast roller coaster with me or whatever it is. It is all with me or whatever it is. It is all with me or whatever it is. It is all about about about >> how do you and your partner get on. >> how do you and your partner get on. >> how do you and your partner get on. Obviously, there's other things, but I Obviously, there's other things, but I Obviously, there's other things, but I think way more separations occur because think way more separations occur because think way more separations occur because people couldn't deal with bad times, not people couldn't deal with bad times, not people couldn't deal with bad times, not because they didn't have enough of the because they didn't have enough of the because they didn't have enough of the elated ones. elated ones. elated ones. >> Well, I think it's I would I'd venture >> Well, I think it's I would I'd venture >> Well, I think it's I would I'd venture to guess it's indicative of a bigger to guess it's indicative of a bigger to guess it's indicative of a bigger issue. Like the not handling bad times issue. Like the not handling bad times issue. Like the not handling bad times is actually a symptom of a bigger issue. is actually a symptom of a bigger issue. is actually a symptom of a bigger issue. Not handling bad times well. Not handling bad times well. Not handling bad times well. >> Where >> Where >> Where just take consideration just take consideration just take consideration consider like general consideration for consider like general consideration for consider like general consideration for someone else's well-being. If you don't someone else's well-being. If you don't someone else's well-being. If you don't naturally have that, if you aren't naturally have that, if you aren't naturally have that, if you aren't actively working on that, if you aren't actively working on that, if you aren't actively working on that, if you aren't aware that that's important in this aware that that's important in this aware that that's important in this relationship, relationship, relationship, you're definitely not going to show up you're definitely not going to show up you're definitely not going to show up with that in bad times. And that would with that in bad times. And that would with that in bad times. And that would make the good times 100 times better. make the good times 100 times better. make the good times 100 times better. >> You see, you see what I mean? where if >> You see, you see what I mean? where if >> You see, you see what I mean? where if you're if you're pretty self-centered, you're if you're pretty self-centered, you're if you're pretty self-centered, if you're not all that introspective or if you're not all that introspective or if you're not all that introspective or self-aware, if you're not trying to self-aware, if you're not trying to self-aware, if you're not trying to become more emotionally mature, which I become more emotionally mature, which I become more emotionally mature, which I think most of us can almost always you think most of us can almost always you think most of us can almost always you progress in in that area, of course, progress in in that area, of course, progress in in that area, of course, when bad times come around, your when bad times come around, your when bad times come around, your capacity shot. You're kind of like capacity shot. You're kind of like capacity shot. You're kind of like running on E, and what's left is running on E, and what's left is running on E, and what's left is none of the good stuff. none of the none of the good stuff. none of the none of the good stuff. none of the stuff that keeps you together that stuff that keeps you together that stuff that keeps you together that values connection, nothing that's going values connection, nothing that's going values connection, nothing that's going to feed this love. to feed this love. to feed this love. >> But I think if you have it tenfold, if >> But I think if you have it tenfold, if >> But I think if you have it tenfold, if you have all of the love and you have all of the love and you have all of the love and consideration, all those things um that consideration, all those things um that consideration, all those things um that when you get down to running on E, when you get down to running on E, when you get down to running on E, there's still a little bit of that left. there's still a little bit of that left. there's still a little bit of that left. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It makes total sense. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It makes total sense. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It makes total sense. Do you think empathy can become Do you think empathy can become Do you think empathy can become dangerous then in that regard? dangerous then in that regard? dangerous then in that regard? It it overrides self-respect and It it overrides self-respect and It it overrides self-respect and boundaries. boundaries. boundaries. Too much understanding can be a bad Too much understanding can be a bad Too much understanding can be a bad thing. Yeah, absolutely. It could. thing. Yeah, absolutely. It could. thing. Yeah, absolutely. It could. Empathy without boundaries is Empathy without boundaries is Empathy without boundaries is self-abandonment. self-abandonment. self-abandonment. And on the back end of empathy that And on the back end of empathy that And on the back end of empathy that lacks boundaries lacks boundaries lacks boundaries is some sense of um is some sense of um is some sense of um lack like [snorts] okay if I just lack like [snorts] okay if I just lack like [snorts] okay if I just empathize enough if I can understand why empathize enough if I can understand why empathize enough if I can understand why this person is treating me so badly then this person is treating me so badly then this person is treating me so badly then I'll be able to rationalize it and I can I'll be able to rationalize it and I can I'll be able to rationalize it and I can keep them around a little bit longer keep them around a little bit longer keep them around a little bit longer because I still need to be chosen. So because I still need to be chosen. So because I still need to be chosen. So the idea of being lonely and not having the idea of being lonely and not having the idea of being lonely and not having anyone there, we we can't that's anyone there, we we can't that's anyone there, we we can't that's last last thing we ever want to last last thing we ever want to last last thing we ever want to encounter. So let me just try to encounter. So let me just try to encounter. So let me just try to empathize enough to be okay with the empathize enough to be okay with the empathize enough to be okay with the behavior that I don't like because it's behavior that I don't like because it's behavior that I don't like because it's meeting a need. M meeting a need. M meeting a need. M >> so rather than having a pretty firm >> so rather than having a pretty firm >> so rather than having a pretty firm sense of self that says I'd rather be sense of self that says I'd rather be sense of self that says I'd rather be alone than be treated like [ __ ] I'm alone than be treated like [ __ ] I'm alone than be treated like [ __ ] I'm going to say no, I'd rather be anything going to say no, I'd rather be anything going to say no, I'd rather be anything but alone, so I'll be okay with being but alone, so I'll be okay with being but alone, so I'll be okay with being treated like [ __ ] treated like [ __ ] treated like [ __ ] >> It's so interesting that you're saying >> It's so interesting that you're saying >> It's so interesting that you're saying empathy is rationalization to help us empathy is rationalization to help us empathy is rationalization to help us keep going. keep going. keep going. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Uh it's actually empathy becomes very >> Uh it's actually empathy becomes very >> Uh it's actually empathy becomes very selfish in that way. selfish in that way. selfish in that way. >> Abs. Uh it's both self-abandonment and >> Abs. Uh it's both self-abandonment and >> Abs. Uh it's both self-abandonment and selfish at the same time, but it's not selfish at the same time, but it's not selfish at the same time, but it's not really about the other person. really about the other person. really about the other person. >> Well, self-abandonment is almost always >> Well, self-abandonment is almost always >> Well, self-abandonment is almost always self- serving. self- serving. self- serving. >> It's always the abandonment of self to >> It's always the abandonment of self to >> It's always the abandonment of self to meet some deeper need. meet some deeper need. meet some deeper need. >> Let's say more. >> Let's say more. >> Let's say more. >> So, if you're uh people pleasing, right? >> So, if you're uh people pleasing, right? >> So, if you're uh people pleasing, right? Similar to what we're talking about with Similar to what we're talking about with Similar to what we're talking about with empathy. Well, I'm just going to make empathy. Well, I'm just going to make empathy. Well, I'm just going to make nice so everyone around me will be good nice so everyone around me will be good nice so everyone around me will be good and appeased because I need people and appeased because I need people and appeased because I need people around. I need to be accepted. I need to around. I need to be accepted. I need to around. I need to be accepted. I need to belong, right? Right? So, I'm going to belong, right? Right? So, I'm going to belong, right? Right? So, I'm going to abandon so that I can get this abandon so that I can get this abandon so that I can get this fundamental need met. Where the self is fundamental need met. Where the self is fundamental need met. Where the self is really more um your self-respect like really more um your self-respect like really more um your self-respect like your self-concept, the the you that is your self-concept, the the you that is your self-concept, the the you that is uh maturing and has a firm sense of this uh maturing and has a firm sense of this uh maturing and has a firm sense of this is who I am. This is what I like about is who I am. This is what I like about is who I am. This is what I like about myself. This is what I um this is how I myself. This is what I um this is how I myself. This is what I um this is how I allow people to treat me, etc. But allow people to treat me, etc. But allow people to treat me, etc. But self-abandonment always comes with some self-abandonment always comes with some self-abandonment always comes with some kind of benefit. We don't just do it for kind of benefit. We don't just do it for kind of benefit. We don't just do it for fun. it meets some deeper psychological fun. it meets some deeper psychological fun. it meets some deeper psychological need that isn't being met overtly. need that isn't being met overtly. need that isn't being met overtly. >> So interesting to think about that that >> So interesting to think about that that >> So interesting to think about that that >> empathizing aggressively allows you to >> empathizing aggressively allows you to >> empathizing aggressively allows you to understand the other person's situation understand the other person's situation understand the other person's situation >> which just extends that fuel. It just >> which just extends that fuel. It just >> which just extends that fuel. It just pours a little bit more fuel back into pours a little bit more fuel back into pours a little bit more fuel back into the tank. G can keep on puttering along the tank. G can keep on puttering along the tank. G can keep on puttering along a little bit more. And then uh something a little bit more. And then uh something a little bit more. And then uh something else I Oh, but their childhood. else I Oh, but their childhood. else I Oh, but their childhood. >> Exactly. You know, but their their >> Exactly. You know, but their their >> Exactly. You know, but their their relationship to their stepfather relationship to their stepfather relationship to their stepfather >> and what about it? And what about it is >> and what about it? And what about it is >> and what about it? And what about it is always what you follow it up with. What? always what you follow it up with. What? always what you follow it up with. What? And what about it? We're all the way And what about it? We're all the way And what about it? We're all the way that we are because of something. that we are because of something. that we are because of something. >> No, you to just fall out of the sky like >> No, you to just fall out of the sky like >> No, you to just fall out of the sky like that. We There's a reason. There's a why that. We There's a reason. There's a why that. We There's a reason. There's a why for everything. for everything. for everything. >> It doesn't mean that it's reason to >> It doesn't mean that it's reason to >> It doesn't mean that it's reason to tolerate behavior that's disrespectful tolerate behavior that's disrespectful tolerate behavior that's disrespectful or harmful. or harmful. or harmful. >> Ultimately, it gets to is this making >> Ultimately, it gets to is this making >> Ultimately, it gets to is this making you feel the way that you want it to. you feel the way that you want it to. you feel the way that you want it to. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Regardless of the reason for it or >> Regardless of the reason for it or >> Regardless of the reason for it or against it. Mhm. against it. Mhm. against it. Mhm. >> Yeah. This this is very British thing >> Yeah. This this is very British thing >> Yeah. This this is very British thing actually. I think uh the uh the um actually. I think uh the uh the um actually. I think uh the uh the um nobility nobility nobility in putting your desires to one side. Uh in putting your desires to one side. Uh in putting your desires to one side. Uh sort of I mustn't rock the boat. Mustn't sort of I mustn't rock the boat. Mustn't sort of I mustn't rock the boat. Mustn't make a fuss. make a fuss. make a fuss. >> Don't want to make a fuss too much. Um I >> Don't want to make a fuss too much. Um I >> Don't want to make a fuss too much. Um I certainly, you know, I saw in my last certainly, you know, I saw in my last certainly, you know, I saw in my last life as a club promoter like a gillion life as a club promoter like a gillion life as a club promoter like a gillion different relationships make up and different relationships make up and different relationships make up and break up in the space of no time at all. break up in the space of no time at all. break up in the space of no time at all. And a lot of the time neither side felt And a lot of the time neither side felt And a lot of the time neither side felt like they were allowed to say what they like they were allowed to say what they like they were allowed to say what they wanted. And I think that that was it's a wanted. And I think that that was it's a wanted. And I think that that was it's a a kind of boundary setting. Hey, this is a kind of boundary setting. Hey, this is a kind of boundary setting. Hey, this is how I would like to be treated or this how I would like to be treated or this how I would like to be treated or this is the thing that I want. And they were is the thing that I want. And they were is the thing that I want. And they were young, but it's still interesting to see young, but it's still interesting to see young, but it's still interesting to see kind of the uh pur potent stem cell like kind of the uh pur potent stem cell like kind of the uh pur potent stem cell like the the little proto, [laughter] the the little proto, [laughter] the the little proto, [laughter] you know, the proto relationships that you know, the proto relationships that you know, the proto relationships that happen when you're sort of 18 to 25. happen when you're sort of 18 to 25. happen when you're sort of 18 to 25. Yes. Uh it was really interesting to see Yes. Uh it was really interesting to see Yes. Uh it was really interesting to see those cuz I think that is you those cuz I think that is you those cuz I think that is you without all of the learnings and the without all of the learnings and the without all of the learnings and the insight and the things that come with insight and the things that come with insight and the things that come with age. So it's really age. So it's really age. So it's really >> it's dating at its most raw in some ways >> it's dating at its most raw in some ways >> it's dating at its most raw in some ways because all you are are your childhood because all you are are your childhood because all you are are your childhood patterns. patterns. patterns. >> It's attachment. Yeah. >> It's attachment. Yeah. >> It's attachment. Yeah. >> At its most 100%. >> At its most 100%. >> At its most 100%. >> It was really fascinating to see. >> It was really fascinating to see. >> It was really fascinating to see. >> I can't I'm sure alcohol really helped >> I can't I'm sure alcohol really helped >> I can't I'm sure alcohol really helped with that too. [laughter] with that too. [laughter] with that too. [laughter] >> Helped is a uh a complex word. helped as >> Helped is a uh a complex word. helped as >> Helped is a uh a complex word. helped as a viewer. a viewer. a viewer. >> Yeah, it well. Yeah, I'm sure it did. >> Yeah, it well. Yeah, I'm sure it did. >> Yeah, it well. Yeah, I'm sure it did. Um, Um, Um, >> what do you wish more people knew about >> what do you wish more people knew about >> what do you wish more people knew about how boundaries worked? I think that this how boundaries worked? I think that this how boundaries worked? I think that this is I I am aware that a lot of the time is I I am aware that a lot of the time is I I am aware that a lot of the time pathization of therapy speak language, pathization of therapy speak language, pathization of therapy speak language, but also a really important thing that but also a really important thing that but also a really important thing that you're supposed to do inside of a you're supposed to do inside of a you're supposed to do inside of a relationship. So, what do more people relationship. So, what do more people relationship. So, what do more people need to know about boundaries? need to know about boundaries? need to know about boundaries? >> Boundaries are rules for yourself. >> Boundaries are rules for yourself. >> Boundaries are rules for yourself. For yourself. They are rules that I will For yourself. They are rules that I will For yourself. They are rules that I will abide by because I know what I want for abide by because I know what I want for abide by because I know what I want for myself, for my life, from the myself, for my life, from the myself, for my life, from the relationships that I will have in my relationships that I will have in my relationships that I will have in my life. It's a rule for myself. And life. It's a rule for myself. And life. It's a rule for myself. And people tend to think that it has to come people tend to think that it has to come people tend to think that it has to come with a a means of control, controlling with a a means of control, controlling with a a means of control, controlling the other people around them, getting the other people around them, getting the other people around them, getting what they want out of life. It doesn't. what they want out of life. It doesn't. what they want out of life. It doesn't. It's I will do this or I won't do this. It's I will do this or I won't do this. It's I will do this or I won't do this. This is what I want in life. Are you in This is what I want in life. Are you in This is what I want in life. Are you in or are you out kind of a thing? If if or are you out kind of a thing? If if or are you out kind of a thing? If if you're specifically in romantic you're specifically in romantic you're specifically in romantic relationships, um there's a creator that relationships, um there's a creator that relationships, um there's a creator that I was I can't remember who it is, I'm I was I can't remember who it is, I'm I was I can't remember who it is, I'm sorry. Uh I was watching a video and sorry. Uh I was watching a video and sorry. Uh I was watching a video and basically this couple that's married um basically this couple that's married um basically this couple that's married um the guy was saying that he didn't want the guy was saying that he didn't want the guy was saying that he didn't want to marry a woman who was going to bars. to marry a woman who was going to bars. to marry a woman who was going to bars. >> Wasn't what he wanted. You know, bars >> Wasn't what he wanted. You know, bars >> Wasn't what he wanted. You know, bars are typically for single people. Now, are typically for single people. Now, are typically for single people. Now, whether you agree with that or not, whether you agree with that or not, whether you agree with that or not, >> it's a boundary of his. Y >> it's a boundary of his. Y >> it's a boundary of his. Y >> and he didn't even ask her to stop going >> and he didn't even ask her to stop going >> and he didn't even ask her to stop going to the bars. and asked her to leave. He to the bars. and asked her to leave. He to the bars. and asked her to leave. He just said, "I don't want to, you know, just said, "I don't want to, you know, just said, "I don't want to, you know, I'm looking for a wife and the wife that I'm looking for a wife and the wife that I'm looking for a wife and the wife that I have isn't going to be going to bars I have isn't going to be going to bars I have isn't going to be going to bars by herself, you know, for whatever by herself, you know, for whatever by herself, you know, for whatever reason." It was his boundary. She said, reason." It was his boundary. She said, reason." It was his boundary. She said, "Cool. I'm good with that. Don't need "Cool. I'm good with that. Don't need "Cool. I'm good with that. Don't need it. I'm also looking for the same thing, it. I'm also looking for the same thing, it. I'm also looking for the same thing, the same level of respect. So, no more the same level of respect. So, no more the same level of respect. So, no more bars for me. That's his boundary." And bars for me. That's his boundary." And bars for me. That's his boundary." And she had the option to say, "Cool. I'm she had the option to say, "Cool. I'm she had the option to say, "Cool. I'm in." Or, "No, sorry, I'm not." Y in." Or, "No, sorry, I'm not." Y in." Or, "No, sorry, I'm not." Y >> that's an example of a real boundary. >> that's an example of a real boundary. >> that's an example of a real boundary. Not, hey, you better leave because I Not, hey, you better leave because I Not, hey, you better leave because I told you that I wasn't cool with this told you that I wasn't cool with this told you that I wasn't cool with this and so if you go to the bar, I'm not and so if you go to the bar, I'm not and so if you go to the bar, I'm not going to talk to you and you're going to going to talk to you and you're going to going to talk to you and you're going to No, No, No, >> it was his rule. She got to opt in or >> it was his rule. She got to opt in or >> it was his rule. She got to opt in or opt out. That's a boundary. opt out. That's a boundary. opt out. That's a boundary. >> Interesting how many disputes that we've >> Interesting how many disputes that we've >> Interesting how many disputes that we've seen, you know, some text leak of a seen, you know, some text leak of a seen, you know, some text leak of a couple, famous couple or whatever, and couple, famous couple or whatever, and couple, famous couple or whatever, and one person is saying one thing, this is one person is saying one thing, this is one person is saying one thing, this is what I like or this is what I don't what I like or this is what I don't what I like or this is what I don't like. Yeah, the uh delivery of it. like. Yeah, the uh delivery of it. like. Yeah, the uh delivery of it. >> There's an awful lot to be said about >> There's an awful lot to be said about >> There's an awful lot to be said about that, but ultimately, that, but ultimately, that, but ultimately, >> how many debates have been had online >> how many debates have been had online >> how many debates have been had online on on podcasts about should you be okay on on podcasts about should you be okay on on podcasts about should you be okay with your partner going to the bar or with your partner going to the bar or with your partner going to the bar or whatever? You go that that is a whatever? You go that that is a whatever? You go that that is a completely personal choice for you completely personal choice for you completely personal choice for you >> with your partner and it is a completely >> with your partner and it is a completely >> with your partner and it is a completely personal choice for them too. It is personal choice for them too. It is personal choice for them too. It is absolutely fine for you to want whatever absolutely fine for you to want whatever absolutely fine for you to want whatever you want. you want. you want. >> Yes. up to a limit [laughter] to must >> Yes. up to a limit [laughter] to must >> Yes. up to a limit [laughter] to must put a caveat in. Um, put a caveat in. Um, put a caveat in. Um, >> check the laws. >> check the laws. >> check the laws. >> Exactly. >> Exactly. >> Exactly. >> For the most part, it's completely fine >> For the most part, it's completely fine >> For the most part, it's completely fine with you for you to want whatever you with you for you to want whatever you with you for you to want whatever you want. You want to go to bed at 9:00 want. You want to go to bed at 9:00 want. You want to go to bed at 9:00 p.m., you that's fine. You want somebody p.m., you that's fine. You want somebody p.m., you that's fine. You want somebody that is quiet in the morning, it's fine. that is quiet in the morning, it's fine. that is quiet in the morning, it's fine. You want somebody that's vegan, that's You want somebody that's vegan, that's You want somebody that's vegan, that's fine. You want somebody that's fine. You want somebody that's fine. You want somebody that's conservative, that's fine. conservative, that's fine. conservative, that's fine. >> You just need to ensure that you make >> You just need to ensure that you make >> You just need to ensure that you make that plane and the other person is that plane and the other person is that plane and the other person is allowed to opt in or opt out. It feels allowed to opt in or opt out. It feels allowed to opt in or opt out. It feels really almost all of the relationship problems almost all of the relationship problems that I see that happen on the internet that I see that happen on the internet that I see that happen on the internet are just two people who aren't are just two people who aren't are just two people who aren't compatible for each other shouting about compatible for each other shouting about compatible for each other shouting about the fact that they're trying to make it the fact that they're trying to make it the fact that they're trying to make it work. They're trying to like hammer this work. They're trying to like hammer this work. They're trying to like hammer this square peg into a round hole. square peg into a round hole. square peg into a round hole. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> And then everybody else gets to sit on >> And then everybody else gets to sit on >> And then everybody else gets to sit on the sidelines and say, "I'm more like the sidelines and say, "I'm more like the sidelines and say, "I'm more like them or I'm more like the other one." them or I'm more like the other one." them or I'm more like the other one." >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Just both of you should [ __ ] off and >> Just both of you should [ __ ] off and >> Just both of you should [ __ ] off and find someone that's like you. find someone that's like you. find someone that's like you. >> Leave each other alone of this. leave >> Leave each other alone of this. leave >> Leave each other alone of this. leave and find someone that wants to go to bed and find someone that wants to go to bed and find someone that wants to go to bed at 9:00 p.m. or has never voted Democrat at 9:00 p.m. or has never voted Democrat at 9:00 p.m. or has never voted Democrat or that doesn't want to eat meat. or that doesn't want to eat meat. or that doesn't want to eat meat. >> Well, the politics >> Well, the politics >> Well, the politics is something that I actually disagree is something that I actually disagree is something that I actually disagree with. A lot of people say you can't be with. A lot of people say you can't be with. A lot of people say you can't be with someone who has a differing with someone who has a differing with someone who has a differing political ab political view than you. political ab political view than you. political ab political view than you. And I I disagree in most cases if we And I I disagree in most cases if we And I I disagree in most cases if we understand the why and the values understand the why and the values understand the why and the values behind. Okay. So, we can take any of behind. Okay. So, we can take any of behind. Okay. So, we can take any of these situations um as an example. We these situations um as an example. We these situations um as an example. We can use the bar. or we can use the time can use the bar. or we can use the time can use the bar. or we can use the time you want to go to bed. We can use you want to go to bed. We can use you want to go to bed. We can use politics. Do you know why those things politics. Do you know why those things politics. Do you know why those things are important to you? Why is it are important to you? Why is it are important to you? Why is it important? What's the value behind not important? What's the value behind not important? What's the value behind not going to a bar if you're in a going to a bar if you're in a going to a bar if you're in a relationship without your spouse? What relationship without your spouse? What relationship without your spouse? What what's the value behind going to sleep what's the value behind going to sleep what's the value behind going to sleep at 9:00 versus 2:00 in the morning? What at 9:00 versus 2:00 in the morning? What at 9:00 versus 2:00 in the morning? What is the value behind having liberal views is the value behind having liberal views is the value behind having liberal views or having conservative views? What are or having conservative views? What are or having conservative views? What are the values? the values? the values? And from there it becomes a real And from there it becomes a real And from there it becomes a real conversation rather than this fight of conversation rather than this fight of conversation rather than this fight of who's right and who's wrong and I can't who's right and who's wrong and I can't who's right and who's wrong and I can't believe that you would want to kill believe that you would want to kill believe that you would want to kill these people and you don't care about these people and you don't care about these people and you don't care about these rights and it's like well at the these rights and it's like well at the these rights and it's like well at the end of the day we don't even know what end of the day we don't even know what end of the day we don't even know what we're fighting about because I haven't we're fighting about because I haven't we're fighting about because I haven't asked you why that's important to you. asked you why that's important to you. asked you why that's important to you. >> Why are your views on this that and the >> Why are your views on this that and the >> Why are your views on this that and the other? What does that mean to you? other? What does that mean to you? other? What does that mean to you? >> I'm actually curious about what that is. >> I'm actually curious about what that is. >> I'm actually curious about what that is. And do those things align? You can have And do those things align? You can have And do those things align? You can have similar values and Oh god, I should put similar values and Oh god, I should put similar values and Oh god, I should put on the thing. You can you [laughter] can on the thing. You can you [laughter] can on the thing. You can you [laughter] can you can have similar values at the heart you can have similar values at the heart you can have similar values at the heart of it and it can look quite different as of it and it can look quite different as of it and it can look quite different as far as who you're voting for and what far as who you're voting for and what far as who you're voting for and what you believe. you believe. you believe. >> I told myself I would never speak on >> I told myself I would never speak on >> I told myself I would never speak on politics. politics. politics. >> Jared, you ever considered that you >> Jared, you ever considered that you >> Jared, you ever considered that you might have a drinking problem? might have a drinking problem? might have a drinking problem? >> I don't consider a lot, Chris. >> I don't consider a lot, Chris. >> I don't consider a lot, Chris. >> Well, you drank an entire case of >> Well, you drank an entire case of >> Well, you drank an entire case of Athletic Brewing Co last night. Athletic Brewing Co last night. Athletic Brewing Co last night. >> But they're non-alcoholic. >> But they're non-alcoholic. >> But they're non-alcoholic. >> And that's not a problem. >> And that's not a problem. >> And that's not a problem. >> Sorry, man. I I just kept chugging. for >> Sorry, man. I I just kept chugging. for >> Sorry, man. I I just kept chugging. for the regret to creep in. Never happened. the regret to creep in. Never happened. the regret to creep in. Never happened. >> See, most people like Jared don't want >> See, most people like Jared don't want >> See, most people like Jared don't want to change what they drink. They just to change what they drink. They just to change what they drink. They just don't want the next day to be a complete don't want the next day to be a complete don't want the next day to be a complete write-off. And that is why I'm such a write-off. And that is why I'm such a write-off. And that is why I'm such a huge fan of Athletic Brewing Co. 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Bottoms up. >> What do you make of the differences >> What do you make of the differences between the sexes right now? like are between the sexes right now? like are between the sexes right now? like are men and women just becoming less men and women just becoming less men and women just becoming less culturally compatible? culturally compatible? culturally compatible? >> I think we're all becoming more >> I think we're all becoming more >> I think we're all becoming more egocentric. It's almost like egocentric. It's almost like egocentric. It's almost like arrested development. arrested development. arrested development. Uh children by nature are egocentric Uh children by nature are egocentric Uh children by nature are egocentric because there's no way that their little because there's no way that their little because there's no way that their little brains can conceptualize anything beyond brains can conceptualize anything beyond brains can conceptualize anything beyond just them and their need to survive just them and their need to survive just them and their need to survive fundamentally, right? And so then fundamentally, right? And so then fundamentally, right? And so then ideally you grow up and you can ideally you grow up and you can ideally you grow up and you can ascertain the stability of the world and ascertain the stability of the world and ascertain the stability of the world and whatever you go on to form an identity whatever you go on to form an identity whatever you go on to form an identity and a sense of self. If you get stuck at and a sense of self. If you get stuck at and a sense of self. If you get stuck at a more egocentric age or in a more a more egocentric age or in a more a more egocentric age or in a more egocentric phase, everything is about egocentric phase, everything is about egocentric phase, everything is about you. Everything is a reflection of you. you. Everything is a reflection of you. you. Everything is a reflection of you. Your needs are the most important thing. Your needs are the most important thing. Your needs are the most important thing. people who have different um opinions or people who have different um opinions or people who have different um opinions or values or feelings all the things wrong values or feelings all the things wrong values or feelings all the things wrong because it is me and I am I and the because it is me and I am I and the because it is me and I am I and the center of the world. I'm being center of the world. I'm being center of the world. I'm being hyperbolic but I think that we have a hyperbolic but I think that we have a hyperbolic but I think that we have a really difficult time both men and women really difficult time both men and women really difficult time both men and women really looking outside of ourselves really looking outside of ourselves really looking outside of ourselves without losing ourselves. Are you without losing ourselves. Are you without losing ourselves. Are you familiar with the term differentiation? familiar with the term differentiation? familiar with the term differentiation? >> No. >> No. >> No. >> Are you familiar with the term inshment? >> Are you familiar with the term inshment? >> Are you familiar with the term inshment? kind of. Yes. kind of. Yes. kind of. Yes. >> Okay. So, they're kind they're chips off >> Okay. So, they're kind they're chips off >> Okay. So, they're kind they're chips off of the same block. So, differentiation of the same block. So, differentiation of the same block. So, differentiation is essentially I can stay connected to is essentially I can stay connected to is essentially I can stay connected to me while also being connected to you. me while also being connected to you. me while also being connected to you. So, we are not one. And this goes for So, we are not one. And this goes for So, we are not one. And this goes for platonic relationships, uh, familial platonic relationships, uh, familial platonic relationships, uh, familial relationships or all the things, but I relationships or all the things, but I relationships or all the things, but I can hold my sense of self while still can hold my sense of self while still can hold my sense of self while still being connected to someone who's being connected to someone who's being connected to someone who's different than me. different than me. different than me. >> Give me an example of the opposite of >> Give me an example of the opposite of >> Give me an example of the opposite of that. that. that. >> Inshment. >> Inshment. >> Inshment. >> Okay. >> Okay. >> Okay. >> Codependency. >> Codependency. >> Codependency. >> Right. >> Right. >> Right. >> Right. Your feelings are my feelings. >> Right. Your feelings are my feelings. >> Right. Your feelings are my feelings. So, if you're not okay, I'm not okay. So, if you're not okay, I'm not okay. So, if you're not okay, I'm not okay. and I have to fix it for both of us. and I have to fix it for both of us. and I have to fix it for both of us. >> That sense of we are just one unit. >> That sense of we are just one unit. >> That sense of we are just one unit. >> I think that being able to hold on to >> I think that being able to hold on to >> I think that being able to hold on to who we are, what we want, what we value, who we are, what we want, what we value, who we are, what we want, what we value, and still being able to relate to people and still being able to relate to people and still being able to relate to people that have that feel differently, that that have that feel differently, that that have that feel differently, that see the world differently, that have see the world differently, that have see the world differently, that have their own sense of self. I'm not sure their own sense of self. I'm not sure their own sense of self. I'm not sure that we have much practice in that, let that we have much practice in that, let that we have much practice in that, let alone solid examples alone solid examples alone solid examples >> of what that really looks like. And >> of what that really looks like. And >> of what that really looks like. And that's contributing to men and women that's contributing to men and women that's contributing to men and women struggling a little bit in the modern struggling a little bit in the modern struggling a little bit in the modern world because of cultural differences world because of cultural differences world because of cultural differences because they're stuck in this childhood because they're stuck in this childhood because they're stuck in this childhood ego phase. I think it's that sound that ego phase. I think it's that sound that ego phase. I think it's that sound that sounds bad, but yeah, I think it is a sounds bad, but yeah, I think it is a sounds bad, but yeah, I think it is a it's a socialization issue where we it's a socialization issue where we it's a socialization issue where we aren't really taught how to relate in a aren't really taught how to relate in a aren't really taught how to relate in a way that says, "Tell me who you are and way that says, "Tell me who you are and way that says, "Tell me who you are and I'll tell you who I am." And we can I'll tell you who I am." And we can I'll tell you who I am." And we can still have a relationship even if all of still have a relationship even if all of still have a relationship even if all of these characteristics don't align. Wow. these characteristics don't align. Wow. these characteristics don't align. Wow. As if your self is a threat to myself. As if your self is a threat to myself. As if your self is a threat to myself. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Now, that's interesting. And that's >> Now, that's interesting. And that's >> Now, that's interesting. And that's certainly something I think that we see certainly something I think that we see certainly something I think that we see on the internet a lot. That >> somebody stating a view, a a girl >> somebody stating a view, a a girl stating a view about what she thinks to stating a view about what she thinks to stating a view about what she thinks to do with child rearing is seen do with child rearing is seen do with child rearing is seen >> by not only men but especially women as >> by not only men but especially women as >> by not only men but especially women as a threat if they don't agree with that a threat if they don't agree with that a threat if they don't agree with that particular view. Yeah, particular view. Yeah, particular view. Yeah, >> everything becomes tribal. But yeah, I >> everything becomes tribal. But yeah, I >> everything becomes tribal. But yeah, I didn't realize that we're basically sort didn't realize that we're basically sort didn't realize that we're basically sort of enshel of enshel of enshel because of our lack of a strong sense of because of our lack of a strong sense of because of our lack of a strong sense of who we are, we see somebody else's sense who we are, we see somebody else's sense who we are, we see somebody else's sense of themselves as a threat to ours. of themselves as a threat to ours. of themselves as a threat to ours. >> Well, and you're also looking I [sighs] >> Well, and you're also looking I [sighs] >> Well, and you're also looking I [sighs] mean to differentiate requires a certain mean to differentiate requires a certain mean to differentiate requires a certain amount of safety, whether that be safety amount of safety, whether that be safety amount of safety, whether that be safety within yourself or safety within the within yourself or safety within the within yourself or safety within the people that are closest to you, right? people that are closest to you, right? people that are closest to you, right? Like you know who you are. you trust the Like you know who you are. you trust the Like you know who you are. you trust the people closest to you to reflect that people closest to you to reflect that people closest to you to reflect that back and then you get to go venture out back and then you get to go venture out back and then you get to go venture out into the world and meet people that want into the world and meet people that want into the world and meet people that want to argue with the opposite points or, to argue with the opposite points or, to argue with the opposite points or, you know, have differing views. you know, have differing views. you know, have differing views. Part of [snorts] Part of [snorts] Part of [snorts] the the greater problem at large, I the the greater problem at large, I the the greater problem at large, I think, is that we're using shame, think, is that we're using shame, think, is that we're using shame, judgment, and criticism to try and judgment, and criticism to try and judgment, and criticism to try and change the other party. change the other party. change the other party. >> I hear a lot of hate towards men. I hear >> I hear a lot of hate towards men. I hear >> I hear a lot of hate towards men. I hear a lot of hate towards women. I hear a a lot of hate towards women. I hear a a lot of hate towards women. I hear a lot of hate of, well, it's their fault lot of hate of, well, it's their fault lot of hate of, well, it's their fault that we're like this and their fault that we're like this and their fault that we're like this and their fault that we're like this. And it's like, that we're like this. And it's like, that we're like this. And it's like, these are conversations that we need to these are conversations that we need to these are conversations that we need to have, but we're having them with the the have, but we're having them with the the have, but we're having them with the the entirely wrong attitude. An entirely entirely wrong attitude. An entirely entirely wrong attitude. An entirely wrong attitude. wrong attitude. wrong attitude. >> No one wants to change because they're >> No one wants to change because they're >> No one wants to change because they're shamed enough. Sustainable change, real shamed enough. Sustainable change, real shamed enough. Sustainable change, real conversation, real conversation, real conversation, real understanding doesn't come from spewing understanding doesn't come from spewing understanding doesn't come from spewing vitrial at other people. It doesn't come vitrial at other people. It doesn't come vitrial at other people. It doesn't come from hatred. So, I think that that that from hatred. So, I think that that that from hatred. So, I think that that that general um atmosphere general um atmosphere general um atmosphere >> is already adding fuel to a fire that's >> is already adding fuel to a fire that's >> is already adding fuel to a fire that's raging. raging. raging. >> What are the most common >> What are the most common >> What are the most common misunderstandings that you think modern misunderstandings that you think modern misunderstandings that you think modern men and women have about each other? If men and women have about each other? If men and women have about each other? If you were able to pull a chip out of one you were able to pull a chip out of one you were able to pull a chip out of one sex and give it to the other. I think I would want women to understand I think I would want women to understand the power and influence and importance the power and influence and importance the power and influence and importance that they play in men's lives. I think that they play in men's lives. I think that they play in men's lives. I think that gets lost in conversation. you that gets lost in conversation. you that gets lost in conversation. you know, a good loving woman is quite know, a good loving woman is quite know, a good loving woman is quite powerful in a man's life if he also powerful in a man's life if he also powerful in a man's life if he also loves and and respects her like and I loves and and respects her like and I loves and and respects her like and I think that that gets lost especially in think that that gets lost especially in think that that gets lost especially in today's conversation of like um today's conversation of like um today's conversation of like um submission and being a docile good woman submission and being a docile good woman submission and being a docile good woman and it's like we just put the rules and it's like we just put the rules and it's like we just put the rules aside. You're important. You make a aside. You're important. You make a aside. You're important. You make a really big difference in in this man's really big difference in in this man's really big difference in in this man's life and I think that that should be life and I think that that should be life and I think that that should be reiterated. I also think that if if reiterated. I also think that if if reiterated. I also think that if if women know that they're appreciated and women know that they're appreciated and women know that they're appreciated and that they're valuable and just their that they're valuable and just their that they're valuable and just their their presence and their love and their their presence and their love and their their presence and their love and their attention goes a long way, that's how we attention goes a long way, that's how we attention goes a long way, that's how we get things to to change. When you feel get things to to change. When you feel get things to to change. When you feel valued, when you feel appreciated, it's valued, when you feel appreciated, it's valued, when you feel appreciated, it's like, "Oh, that's great. I want to give like, "Oh, that's great. I want to give like, "Oh, that's great. I want to give more." Yeah. more." Yeah. more." Yeah. >> So, that needs to be um communicated. >> So, that needs to be um communicated. >> So, that needs to be um communicated. And I think that And I think that And I think that >> I would want men to know. So, if I was >> I would want men to know. So, if I was >> I would want men to know. So, if I was implanting this, implanting this, implanting this, >> I think I would want men to know I would want men to know that there's I would want men to know that there's far more value in who you are beyond far more value in who you are beyond far more value in who you are beyond just what you can offer on a piece of just what you can offer on a piece of just what you can offer on a piece of paper, beyond just the things that you paper, beyond just the things that you paper, beyond just the things that you can write down. I see that a lot in in can write down. I see that a lot in in can write down. I see that a lot in in clients that I work with who are dating clients that I work with who are dating clients that I work with who are dating and clients that I work with who are and clients that I work with who are and clients that I work with who are married. It's it's still a lot of these married. It's it's still a lot of these married. It's it's still a lot of these norms of you're only really worth norms of you're only really worth norms of you're only really worth anything if you can if you're of a anything if you can if you're of a anything if you can if you're of a certain size stature, if you make a certain size stature, if you make a certain size stature, if you make a certain amount of money, if you have certain amount of money, if you have certain amount of money, if you have certain status, power, you know, certain status, power, you know, certain status, power, you know, whatever the the things that you can whatever the the things that you can whatever the the things that you can write on a resume write on a resume write on a resume >> basically. >> basically. >> basically. And And And just the value just the value just the value in showing up and being present and in showing up and being present and in showing up and being present and being loving and being available as a being loving and being available as a being loving and being available as a man is also important and necessary to man is also important and necessary to man is also important and necessary to women. women. women. >> So basically less bravado if I make a >> So basically less bravado if I make a >> So basically less bravado if I make a long story short. long story short. long story short. >> Yeah. [laughter] Do you think emotional >> Yeah. [laughter] Do you think emotional >> Yeah. [laughter] Do you think emotional men often get overlooked? men often get overlooked? men often get overlooked? >> [sighs and gasps] >> [sighs and gasps] >> [sighs and gasps] >> I think it's starting to change, but I >> I think it's starting to change, but I >> I think it's starting to change, but I do think that do think that do think that there is a bit of socializing um there is a bit of socializing um there is a bit of socializing um socialization that has taught us that socialization that has taught us that socialization that has taught us that men aren't supposed to cry. Men aren't men aren't supposed to cry. Men aren't men aren't supposed to cry. Men aren't supposed to have more feeling. They're supposed to have more feeling. They're supposed to have more feeling. They're definitely not more feelings than the definitely not more feelings than the definitely not more feelings than the women in their lives. That's like women in their lives. That's like women in their lives. That's like that'll that'll scare you away. Like, that'll that'll scare you away. Like, that'll that'll scare you away. Like, oh, can't do that. And I don't think oh, can't do that. And I don't think oh, can't do that. And I don't think that's true. And I think that that that's true. And I think that that that's true. And I think that that conditioning I know that's not true. And conditioning I know that's not true. And conditioning I know that's not true. And I think that the conditioning around I think that the conditioning around I think that the conditioning around that is starting to fall away. that is starting to fall away. that is starting to fall away. >> I think that we're having more >> I think that we're having more >> I think that we're having more conversations conversations conversations about it where taking a real honest look about it where taking a real honest look about it where taking a real honest look at what we were socialized to believe at what we were socialized to believe at what we were socialized to believe and that it doesn't really make sense. and that it doesn't really make sense. and that it doesn't really make sense. Right? If women are complaining about Right? If women are complaining about Right? If women are complaining about all of these emotionally unavailable men all of these emotionally unavailable men all of these emotionally unavailable men and I can't get the man to have a and I can't get the man to have a and I can't get the man to have a conversation with me and like he doesn't conversation with me and like he doesn't conversation with me and like he doesn't care about my like if you want an care about my like if you want an care about my like if you want an emotionally available guy, that's going emotionally available guy, that's going emotionally available guy, that's going to mean that his emotions have to come to mean that his emotions have to come to mean that his emotions have to come to the table. So, you know, what do you to the table. So, you know, what do you to the table. So, you know, what do you want? want? want? >> I want you to be able to sit in >> I want you to be able to sit in >> I want you to be able to sit in emotions, but only if they're mine, emotions, but only if they're mine, emotions, but only if they're mine, >> right? >> right? >> right? >> I don't want you to have your own. >> I don't want you to have your own. >> I don't want you to have your own. >> I I see that mostly in in the work that >> I I see that mostly in in the work that >> I I see that mostly in in the work that I do. It's like giving men the I do. It's like giving men the I do. It's like giving men the vocabulary and the language to express vocabulary and the language to express vocabulary and the language to express what it is that they're feeling and like what it is that they're feeling and like what it is that they're feeling and like the space to actually communicate that. the space to actually communicate that. the space to actually communicate that. And then I often see And then I often see And then I often see a lot of the work with women is the a lot of the work with women is the a lot of the work with women is the practice of allowing the men's emotions practice of allowing the men's emotions practice of allowing the men's emotions to take up space and not just theirs. to take up space and not just theirs. to take up space and not just theirs. >> What are the problems that women >> What are the problems that women >> What are the problems that women encounter when encounter when encounter when giving enough space giving space to giving enough space giving space to giving enough space giving space to men's emotions? I think there's there's men's emotions? I think there's there's men's emotions? I think there's there's a fear a fear a fear that if their emotions aren't being that if their emotions aren't being that if their emotions aren't being recognized. If we're making space for recognized. If we're making space for recognized. If we're making space for his feelings, his emotions to come into his feelings, his emotions to come into his feelings, his emotions to come into play, then mine are just going to be play, then mine are just going to be play, then mine are just going to be overlooked. overlooked. overlooked. >> Then mine get put on the back burner and >> Then mine get put on the back burner and >> Then mine get put on the back burner and then I'm just appeasing him and then then I'm just appeasing him and then then I'm just appeasing him and then what am I even here for? I'm just here what am I even here for? I'm just here what am I even here for? I'm just here to validate him and he doesn't do to validate him and he doesn't do to validate him and he doesn't do anything. It's like, okay, well, anything. It's like, okay, well, anything. It's like, okay, well, nothing's going to get done with that nothing's going to get done with that nothing's going to get done with that attitude. Nothing. The real question is attitude. Nothing. The real question is attitude. Nothing. The real question is can you build the the capacity and the can you build the the capacity and the can you build the the capacity and the practice of having your feelings and practice of having your feelings and practice of having your feelings and tableabling them for a second while we tableabling them for a second while we tableabling them for a second while we also talk about his also talk about his also talk about his >> right is >> right is >> right is women tend to feel and express boldly women tend to feel and express boldly women tend to feel and express boldly largely largely largely loudly in a lot of ways which I'm not loudly in a lot of ways which I'm not loudly in a lot of ways which I'm not against at all I'm very passionate I'm against at all I'm very passionate I'm against at all I'm very passionate I'm quite loud myself but it has to come quite loud myself but it has to come quite loud myself but it has to come with an understanding that if you want with an understanding that if you want with an understanding that if you want to be in this relationship with another to be in this relationship with another to be in this relationship with another human who has feelings things. Sometimes human who has feelings things. Sometimes human who has feelings things. Sometimes we have to give it a beat. Emotions are we have to give it a beat. Emotions are we have to give it a beat. Emotions are not emergencies. Just because you feel a not emergencies. Just because you feel a not emergencies. Just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean that you have certain way doesn't mean that you have certain way doesn't mean that you have to act on it now. And it doesn't mean to act on it now. And it doesn't mean to act on it now. And it doesn't mean that we can't give attention to the that we can't give attention to the that we can't give attention to the other person who's in this dynamic. other person who's in this dynamic. other person who's in this dynamic. >> Does that make sense? >> Does that make sense? >> Does that make sense? >> No, it does. It does. I I've been >> No, it does. It does. I I've been >> No, it does. It does. I I've been thinking for a while. I wonder whether thinking for a while. I wonder whether thinking for a while. I wonder whether I wonder whether standards have risen or I wonder whether standards have risen or I wonder whether standards have risen or expectations have become unrealistic. >> [snorts] >> [snorts] [sighs] [sighs] [sighs] [gasps] >> Both. Am I allowed to say both? I think >> Both. Am I allowed to say both? I think it's both. it's both. it's both. >> Yep. >> Yep. >> Yep. >> I think that far more people are actually marrying far more people are actually marrying for love. I think that again as Sarah for love. I think that again as Sarah for love. I think that again as Sarah Pel talks a lot about this, but we're Pel talks a lot about this, but we're Pel talks a lot about this, but we're expecting one relationship to fill the expecting one relationship to fill the expecting one relationship to fill the needs that an entire village would have needs that an entire village would have needs that an entire village would have before. and we're on social media that before. and we're on social media that before. and we're on social media that is filled with every single highlight is filled with every single highlight is filled with every single highlight real magical moment that's all been real magical moment that's all been real magical moment that's all been produced and very meticulously crafted produced and very meticulously crafted produced and very meticulously crafted by the way. Um and then comparing that by the way. Um and then comparing that by the way. Um and then comparing that to our, you know, normal Tuesday nights, to our, you know, normal Tuesday nights, to our, you know, normal Tuesday nights, it's like, well, you must not love me it's like, well, you must not love me it's like, well, you must not love me cuz you didn't send me $7,000 worth of cuz you didn't send me $7,000 worth of cuz you didn't send me $7,000 worth of flowers on Valentine's Day. And you I flowers on Valentine's Day. And you I flowers on Valentine's Day. And you I can't be with her because to be honest, can't be with her because to be honest, can't be with her because to be honest, I mean, she's not a double D and she's I mean, she's not a double D and she's I mean, she's not a double D and she's like put on like 10 pounds and like like put on like 10 pounds and like like put on like 10 pounds and like she's kind of the [ __ ] sometimes. It's she's kind of the [ __ ] sometimes. It's she's kind of the [ __ ] sometimes. It's like, can we just where's the humanness like, can we just where's the humanness like, can we just where's the humanness >> in all of this? I think we've lost we've >> in all of this? I think we've lost we've >> in all of this? I think we've lost we've lost the plot when it comes to lost the plot when it comes to lost the plot when it comes to expectations and we need to make room expectations and we need to make room expectations and we need to make room for the higher standards that we have for the higher standards that we have for the higher standards that we have while also accounting for people's while also accounting for people's while also accounting for people's humanity, humanity, humanity, for the for the for the connection that occurs just between two connection that occurs just between two connection that occurs just between two people who have a little bit of people who have a little bit of people who have a little bit of chemistry, similar visions of the chemistry, similar visions of the chemistry, similar visions of the future, and decide to build lives future, and decide to build lives future, and decide to build lives together. M together. M together. M >> so I I think it's both. >> so I I think it's both. >> so I I think it's both. >> Yeah, I see it in common threads all the >> Yeah, I see it in common threads all the >> Yeah, I see it in common threads all the time about problems with coupling and I time about problems with coupling and I time about problems with coupling and I would say on average it's more um would say on average it's more um would say on average it's more um our standards have risen from women our standards have risen from women our standards have risen from women >> and more the expectations are >> and more the expectations are >> and more the expectations are unrealistic from men. unrealistic from men. unrealistic from men. >> Uh that at least from where I see it in >> Uh that at least from where I see it in >> Uh that at least from where I see it in comments sections, I would love someone comments sections, I would love someone comments sections, I would love someone to do some data on this. Um, to do some data on this. Um, to do some data on this. Um, regardless of who is saying what, um, regardless of who is saying what, um, regardless of who is saying what, um, it's not it's not particularly helpful it's not it's not particularly helpful it's not it's not particularly helpful to say either of those things at the to say either of those things at the to say either of those things at the other side. other side. other side. >> Like, you need to be better, >> Like, you need to be better, >> Like, you need to be better, >> women or men? You go, well, do you not >> women or men? You go, well, do you not >> women or men? You go, well, do you not [ __ ] think that they're trying? Who's [ __ ] think that they're trying? Who's [ __ ] think that they're trying? Who's actively trying to not be better, actively trying to not be better, actively trying to not be better, >> right? Who is actively trying to not be >> right? Who is actively trying to not be >> right? Who is actively trying to not be better? When was the last time that better? When was the last time that better? When was the last time that somebody was like somebody was like somebody was like cajjolled like beaten over the head into cajjolled like beaten over the head into cajjolled like beaten over the head into change on mass as a group? change on mass as a group? change on mass as a group? >> It doesn't work. >> It doesn't work. >> It doesn't work. >> No, >> No, >> No, >> it doesn't work. >> it doesn't work. >> it doesn't work. >> No. No. People think that they can >> No. No. People think that they can >> No. No. People think that they can change other people, but they can't. change other people, but they can't. change other people, but they can't. People think that they can't change People think that they can't change People think that they can't change themselves, but they can. themselves, but they can. themselves, but they can. >> It's one of my biggest pet peeves, this >> It's one of my biggest pet peeves, this >> It's one of my biggest pet peeves, this idea, and it's kind of come back into idea, and it's kind of come back into idea, and it's kind of come back into trend recently, that we should be trend recently, that we should be trend recently, that we should be shaming ourselves into change. Like, shaming ourselves into change. Like, shaming ourselves into change. Like, bring back public shame. bring back and bring back public shame. bring back and bring back public shame. bring back and it's like why don't we just bring back it's like why don't we just bring back it's like why don't we just bring back like respect and you know a sense of like respect and you know a sense of like respect and you know a sense of decency but not shame. Shame decency but not shame. Shame decency but not shame. Shame shame doesn't create any kind of shame doesn't create any kind of shame doesn't create any kind of sustainable change that anyone's going sustainable change that anyone's going sustainable change that anyone's going to want. The more that you criticize to want. The more that you criticize to want. The more that you criticize someone the more that you shame them the someone the more that you shame them the someone the more that you shame them the more that your actions are going to be more that your actions are going to be more that your actions are going to be fueled. I mean okay shame at its core is fueled. I mean okay shame at its core is fueled. I mean okay shame at its core is this fundamental belief that you are this fundamental belief that you are this fundamental belief that you are broken or bad. So everything that you do broken or bad. So everything that you do broken or bad. So everything that you do is going to be to in some way disprove is going to be to in some way disprove is going to be to in some way disprove that you are fundamentally broken or bad that you are fundamentally broken or bad that you are fundamentally broken or bad if your actions are fueled by shame. if your actions are fueled by shame. if your actions are fueled by shame. >> At some point you're going to be >> At some point you're going to be >> At some point you're going to be exhausted and you're going to run out of exhausted and you're going to run out of exhausted and you're going to run out of energy to do so because you can't outrun energy to do so because you can't outrun energy to do so because you can't outrun it. You can't disprove it. There's no it. You can't disprove it. There's no it. You can't disprove it. There's no way to do that. Not the actual belief of way to do that. Not the actual belief of way to do that. Not the actual belief of shame. You um you're much better off shame. You um you're much better off shame. You um you're much better off trying to say that's not a person that I trying to say that's not a person that I trying to say that's not a person that I want to be and I believe in who I am. want to be and I believe in who I am. want to be and I believe in who I am. I'm devoted to being a better person, I'm devoted to being a better person, I'm devoted to being a better person, not because I'm fundamentally broken, not because I'm fundamentally broken, not because I'm fundamentally broken, but because I know what a good person I but because I know what a good person I but because I know what a good person I can be, and that's my commitment is to can be, and that's my commitment is to can be, and that's my commitment is to be that person. Do you see how you see be that person. Do you see how you see be that person. Do you see how you see how that differs? So, this idea of how that differs? So, this idea of how that differs? So, this idea of shaming your way into change, uh, bring shaming your way into change, uh, bring shaming your way into change, uh, bring back public shaming. It's like it back public shaming. It's like it back public shaming. It's like it doesn't work. And I think that it doesn't work. And I think that it doesn't work. And I think that it perpetuates more negativity, more perpetuates more negativity, more perpetuates more negativity, more aggression, um, and honestly more aggression, um, and honestly more aggression, um, and honestly more isolation than it does any kind of isolation than it does any kind of isolation than it does any kind of beneficial change. Most people have no beneficial change. Most people have no beneficial change. Most people have no idea where their testosterone levels idea where their testosterone levels idea where their testosterone levels sit. But what if I told you there was a sit. But what if I told you there was a sit. 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So, get the exact same blood panels that I do and save $25 same blood panels that I do and save $25 same blood panels that I do and save $25 by going to the link in the description by going to the link in the description by going to the link in the description below or heading to below or heading to below or heading to functionhealth.com/modernwisdom functionhealth.com/modernwisdom functionhealth.com/modernwisdom using the code modernwisdom a checkout. using the code modernwisdom a checkout. using the code modernwisdom a checkout. What do you think are the most difficult What do you think are the most difficult What do you think are the most difficult cycles for people to get out of in cycles for people to get out of in cycles for people to get out of in relationships? The ones that are just kind of bad. The ones that are just kind of bad. Kind of bad. I'm I'm kind of taking a Kind of bad. I'm I'm kind of taking a Kind of bad. I'm I'm kind of taking a left on your question, but this is what left on your question, but this is what left on your question, but this is what came to mind first. The cycles that are came to mind first. The cycles that are came to mind first. The cycles that are most difficult to break, I find are the most difficult to break, I find are the most difficult to break, I find are the ones where the relationship is fine, not ones where the relationship is fine, not ones where the relationship is fine, not totally destructive, but like kind of totally destructive, but like kind of totally destructive, but like kind of bad because bad because bad because neither person is really all that neither person is really all that neither person is really all that committed to making the change in the committed to making the change in the committed to making the change in the relationship because it's just kind of relationship because it's just kind of relationship because it's just kind of bad. M. bad. M. bad. M. >> So then over time the cracks grow and >> So then over time the cracks grow and >> So then over time the cracks grow and the cracks grow and the damage continues the cracks grow and the damage continues the cracks grow and the damage continues and it expand and you're you're and it expand and you're you're and it expand and you're you're basically looking at an issue that could basically looking at an issue that could basically looking at an issue that could have been repaired if it had only been a have been repaired if it had only been a have been repaired if it had only been a little bit worse a little bit earlier little bit worse a little bit earlier little bit worse a little bit earlier because you probably would have taken it because you probably would have taken it because you probably would have taken it more seriously. more seriously. more seriously. >> Mhm. Mhm. >> Mhm. Mhm. >> Mhm. Mhm. >> Does that make sense? >> Does that make sense? >> Does that make sense? >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> That's the >> That's the >> That's the >> It's a thousand tiny paper cuts. >> It's a thousand tiny paper cuts. >> It's a thousand tiny paper cuts. >> Yes. Yes. Exactly. Or there's another >> Yes. Yes. Exactly. Or there's another >> Yes. Yes. Exactly. Or there's another option that people if anyone's listening option that people if anyone's listening option that people if anyone's listening and is kind of like, "Oh, that's me." and is kind of like, "Oh, that's me." and is kind of like, "Oh, that's me." You can care. You can just start to You can care. You can just start to You can care. You can just start to care. You just have to intentionally see care. You just have to intentionally see care. You just have to intentionally see that this kind of bad thing could get that this kind of bad thing could get that this kind of bad thing could get worse if you don't pay attention to it. worse if you don't pay attention to it. worse if you don't pay attention to it. >> You mentioned repair then. What's the >> You mentioned repair then. What's the >> You mentioned repair then. What's the gold standard for rupture and repair in gold standard for rupture and repair in gold standard for rupture and repair in your opinion? >> Well, you have to start with curiosity. >> Well, you have to start with curiosity. You have to make sure that you You have to make sure that you You have to make sure that you understand why the rupture happened, how understand why the rupture happened, how understand why the rupture happened, how the other person was feeling. Um, share the other person was feeling. Um, share the other person was feeling. Um, share how you were feeling. you know, whoever how you were feeling. you know, whoever how you were feeling. you know, whoever was whoever was kind of on the receiving was whoever was kind of on the receiving was whoever was kind of on the receiving end of that that damage has to be able end of that that damage has to be able end of that that damage has to be able to say, "This is why this hurt. This is to say, "This is why this hurt. This is to say, "This is why this hurt. This is what I was feeling. This is what your what I was feeling. This is what your what I was feeling. This is what your actions meant to me." And then the other actions meant to me." And then the other actions meant to me." And then the other person has to take accountability. It's person has to take accountability. It's person has to take accountability. It's really that three-step process. really that three-step process. really that three-step process. Curiosity, Curiosity, Curiosity, accountability, and then actually accountability, and then actually accountability, and then actually changing, implementing changing, implementing changing, implementing >> the the change. >> the the change. >> the the change. And I think what often what becomes And I think what often what becomes And I think what often what becomes difficult in this rupture repair kind of difficult in this rupture repair kind of difficult in this rupture repair kind of cycle um is the fact that we often don't cycle um is the fact that we often don't cycle um is the fact that we often don't change it right away. It will more than change it right away. It will more than change it right away. It will more than likely happen again. likely happen again. likely happen again. >> Yep. >> Yep. >> Yep. >> Sooner than we'd like. And tolerating >> Sooner than we'd like. And tolerating >> Sooner than we'd like. And tolerating that disappointment can feel really that disappointment can feel really that disappointment can feel really difficult. So you rupture, you repair. I difficult. So you rupture, you repair. I difficult. So you rupture, you repair. I won't do that again. And then you do won't do that again. And then you do won't do that again. And then you do >> and then there same thing sensitive >> and then there same thing sensitive >> and then there same thing sensitive issue comes back comes back and you're issue comes back comes back and you're issue comes back comes back and you're like like like >> hang on a second I just gave you my >> hang on a second I just gave you my >> hang on a second I just gave you my trust that you were going to change this trust that you were going to change this trust that you were going to change this thing you didn't change this thing it's thing you didn't change this thing it's thing you didn't change this thing it's happened again it's never going to happened again it's never going to happened again it's never going to change change change >> I now can't ever trust any more repair >> I now can't ever trust any more repair >> I now can't ever trust any more repair >> y disappointment >> y disappointment >> y disappointment that you fall into with that it's that you fall into with that it's that you fall into with that it's there's a certain tolerance for there's a certain tolerance for there's a certain tolerance for disappointment that we all need and I disappointment that we all need and I disappointment that we all need and I hate it's such a it's such hate it's such a it's such hate it's such a it's such This sounds like such a negative phrase. This sounds like such a negative phrase. This sounds like such a negative phrase. It's such a bad connotation, but there It's such a bad connotation, but there It's such a bad connotation, but there is a certain amount of disappointment is a certain amount of disappointment is a certain amount of disappointment that we have to tolerate if we're going that we have to tolerate if we're going that we have to tolerate if we're going to be in relationship with another to be in relationship with another to be in relationship with another imperfect human. imperfect human. imperfect human. >> Now, the second, third, fourth time that >> Now, the second, third, fourth time that >> Now, the second, third, fourth time that that issue comes around, that it was that issue comes around, that it was that issue comes around, that it was ruptured again and it was ruptured ruptured again and it was ruptured ruptured again and it was ruptured again, I wouldn't say that's a it's not again, I wouldn't say that's a it's not again, I wouldn't say that's a it's not a sign that you're necessarily with the a sign that you're necessarily with the a sign that you're necessarily with the wrong person. If each time it comes wrong person. If each time it comes wrong person. If each time it comes around, you can stay in it with the same around, you can stay in it with the same around, you can stay in it with the same curiosity, with the same genuine like, curiosity, with the same genuine like, curiosity, with the same genuine like, okay, [ __ ] this is why I did, okay, okay, [ __ ] this is why I did, okay, okay, [ __ ] this is why I did, okay, you're feeling this way. Okay, that's you're feeling this way. Okay, that's you're feeling this way. Okay, that's similar to last time, but this time similar to last time, but this time similar to last time, but this time there's a little more anger than there there's a little more anger than there there's a little more anger than there is sadness. Okay, so the reason why I is sadness. Okay, so the reason why I is sadness. Okay, so the reason why I screwed up this time for the fourth screwed up this time for the fourth screwed up this time for the fourth time, time, time, honestly, I just it slipped my mind. And honestly, I just it slipped my mind. And honestly, I just it slipped my mind. And so, because it just slipped my mind, so, because it just slipped my mind, so, because it just slipped my mind, this is what I'm going to do to try to this is what I'm going to do to try to this is what I'm going to do to try to keep it more top of mind. How does that keep it more top of mind. How does that keep it more top of mind. How does that sound to you? like you're you're going sound to you? like you're you're going sound to you? like you're you're going to have to keep coming back to the same to have to keep coming back to the same to have to keep coming back to the same to the same issues for at least a little to the same issues for at least a little to the same issues for at least a little bit, if not for a long bit. bit, if not for a long bit. bit, if not for a long bit. >> You've got this line, life doesn't >> You've got this line, life doesn't >> You've got this line, life doesn't remove what isn't for you. It just lets remove what isn't for you. It just lets remove what isn't for you. It just lets it exhaust you over and over and over it exhaust you over and over and over it exhaust you over and over and over again until you choose differently. again until you choose differently. again until you choose differently. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. There's um [laughter] Yeah. There's um [laughter] Yeah. There's um [laughter] I also I take issue with pretty much I also I take issue with pretty much I also I take issue with pretty much anything that starts with someone who anything that starts with someone who anything that starts with someone who loves you would or someone who loves you loves you would or someone who loves you loves you would or someone who loves you wouldn't. I know it sounds like a kind wouldn't. I know it sounds like a kind wouldn't. I know it sounds like a kind of a Yeah. Okay, I'll explain. But the of a Yeah. Okay, I'll explain. But the of a Yeah. Okay, I'll explain. But the you lose a sense of intuition when you you lose a sense of intuition when you you lose a sense of intuition when you take other people's black and white take other people's black and white take other people's black and white assumptions assumptions assumptions without any kind of introspection or without any kind of introspection or without any kind of introspection or feeling into your own sense of right or feeling into your own sense of right or feeling into your own sense of right or wrong. So someone who loves you would wrong. So someone who loves you would wrong. So someone who loves you would >> it's like well >> it's like well >> it's like well someone who loves you would text you someone who loves you would text you someone who loves you would text you every would text you good morning every every would text you good morning every every would text you good morning every day because they love you and that's day because they love you and that's day because they love you and that's just how it is. It's like okay well just how it is. It's like okay well just how it is. It's like okay well that's a little silly. There's plenty of that's a little silly. There's plenty of that's a little silly. There's plenty of ways to love people. I want to feel into ways to love people. I want to feel into ways to love people. I want to feel into whether or not this love feels right for whether or not this love feels right for whether or not this love feels right for me because like that um that line is is me because like that um that line is is me because like that um that line is is highlighting there's a sense of knowing highlighting there's a sense of knowing highlighting there's a sense of knowing that you have a sense of knowing whether that you have a sense of knowing whether that you have a sense of knowing whether something is really for you or really something is really for you or really something is really for you or really not. So the universe doesn't remove what not. So the universe doesn't remove what not. So the universe doesn't remove what isn't for you. It just lets it exhaust isn't for you. It just lets it exhaust isn't for you. It just lets it exhaust you over and over and over and over and you over and over and over and over and you over and over and over and over and over again. That's going to be a felt over again. That's going to be a felt over again. That's going to be a felt sense of [ __ ] This is the 700th time. sense of [ __ ] This is the 700th time. sense of [ __ ] This is the 700th time. that I felt this way that I felt this way that I felt this way >> there is no right rule boundary like no >> there is no right rule boundary like no >> there is no right rule boundary like no one else is going to be able to give me one else is going to be able to give me one else is going to be able to give me the knowing that I build within myself the knowing that I build within myself the knowing that I build within myself and that's what's going to help you get and that's what's going to help you get and that's what's going to help you get up and make the change that you need to up and make the change that you need to up and make the change that you need to change a change a change a >> lot of this is tapping into a sense of >> lot of this is tapping into a sense of >> lot of this is tapping into a sense of selfrust like hey my desires are selfrust like hey my desires are selfrust like hey my desires are legitimate I'm allowed to want what I legitimate I'm allowed to want what I legitimate I'm allowed to want what I want and I'm allowed to not like want and I'm allowed to not like want and I'm allowed to not like something that doesn't make me feel good something that doesn't make me feel good something that doesn't make me feel good and that I don't Like strange how much and that I don't Like strange how much and that I don't Like strange how much acrobatics, Olympic level acrobatics, acrobatics, Olympic level acrobatics, acrobatics, Olympic level acrobatics, people are prepared to go through in an people are prepared to go through in an people are prepared to go through in an attempt to hide away from or justify attempt to hide away from or justify attempt to hide away from or justify >> or legislate >> or legislate >> or legislate um um um I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Is it okay for me to not like that? It's >> Is it okay for me to not like that? It's >> Is it okay for me to not like that? It's okay for me to not like that thing that okay for me to not like that thing that okay for me to not like that thing that I don't like. I don't like. I don't like. >> Hence why you need the 10 rules of if he >> Hence why you need the 10 rules of if he >> Hence why you need the 10 rules of if he loved you, he would. or if he does these loved you, he would. or if he does these loved you, he would. or if he does these 10 things, he doesn't love you. It's 10 things, he doesn't love you. It's 10 things, he doesn't love you. It's like, where are we? Can we be so for like, where are we? Can we be so for like, where are we? Can we be so for real? Does it feel like the kind of love real? Does it feel like the kind of love real? Does it feel like the kind of love you want to receive? Just because he you want to receive? Just because he you want to receive? Just because he doesn't text you good morning every doesn't text you good morning every doesn't text you good morning every single day. Okay. Well, he takes out the single day. Okay. Well, he takes out the single day. Okay. Well, he takes out the trash every time that he realizes it's trash every time that he realizes it's trash every time that he realizes it's getting kind of full. You didn't ask him getting kind of full. You didn't ask him getting kind of full. You didn't ask him to do that. Maybe you don't even live to do that. Maybe you don't even live to do that. Maybe you don't even live together, but he notices it, right? He together, but he notices it, right? He together, but he notices it, right? He opens your car door. You never asked him opens your car door. You never asked him opens your car door. You never asked him to do that. He lays there and lets you to do that. He lays there and lets you to do that. He lays there and lets you put his cold feet under his legs at put his cold feet under his legs at put his cold feet under his legs at night in bed even though he hates it. night in bed even though he hates it. night in bed even though he hates it. Like there's so many ways to receive and Like there's so many ways to receive and Like there's so many ways to receive and give love. And I think that the real the give love. And I think that the real the give love. And I think that the real the love that is for you is going to feel love that is for you is going to feel love that is for you is going to feel right to you. It's not going to come in right to you. It's not going to come in right to you. It's not going to come in a list that someone on the internet a list that someone on the internet a list that someone on the internet gives you or that the you know the gives you or that the you know the gives you or that the you know the universe will magically remove what's universe will magically remove what's universe will magically remove what's not for me. It's like no no check in not for me. It's like no no check in not for me. It's like no no check in here. It'll just exhaust you enough here. It'll just exhaust you enough here. It'll just exhaust you enough until you can't bear it anymore. until you can't bear it anymore. until you can't bear it anymore. >> Exactly. >> Exactly. >> Exactly. >> Yeah. There was a a line very similar to >> Yeah. There was a a line very similar to >> Yeah. There was a a line very similar to yours I saw that's uh um the universe yours I saw that's uh um the universe yours I saw that's uh um the universe will continue to shout louder and louder will continue to shout louder and louder will continue to shout louder and louder until you finally hear the lesson. until you finally hear the lesson. until you finally hear the lesson. >> And um it is it is >> And um it is it is >> And um it is it is at least as far as I've seen most of my at least as far as I've seen most of my at least as far as I've seen most of my friends that are smart originally friends that are smart originally friends that are smart originally eventually end up at the place eventually end up at the place eventually end up at the place >> that that they're supposed to. Uh the >> that that they're supposed to. Uh the >> that that they're supposed to. Uh the goal is to try and reduce down the dose goal is to try and reduce down the dose goal is to try and reduce down the dose that you need. It's like do I have to that you need. It's like do I have to that you need. It's like do I have to wait 700 times? Could I have not got wait 700 times? Could I have not got wait 700 times? Could I have not got there at 350? there at 350? there at 350? >> Could I have not got there at at 100? >> Could I have not got there at at 100? >> Could I have not got there at at 100? >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Um how do you come to think about and I >> Um how do you come to think about and I >> Um how do you come to think about and I think it's a really nice rubric. think it's a really nice rubric. think it's a really nice rubric. >> You are allowed to like the things you >> You are allowed to like the things you >> You are allowed to like the things you like. You are allowed to not like the like. You are allowed to not like the like. You are allowed to not like the things that you don't like and your things that you don't like and your things that you don't like and your desires and the way that you feel is desires and the way that you feel is desires and the way that you feel is legitimate. But also we know that legitimate. But also we know that legitimate. But also we know that instinct and intuition and gut feeling instinct and intuition and gut feeling instinct and intuition and gut feeling uh can cause us to act rashly. They can uh can cause us to act rashly. They can uh can cause us to act rashly. They can cause us to um follow our impulses when cause us to um follow our impulses when cause us to um follow our impulses when we should have actually taken a little we should have actually taken a little we should have actually taken a little bit more of a step back and tried to be bit more of a step back and tried to be bit more of a step back and tried to be a bit more aquinamous. I know you're a a bit more aquinamous. I know you're a a bit more aquinamous. I know you're a fan of the mindfulness gap in between fan of the mindfulness gap in between fan of the mindfulness gap in between stimulus and response. stimulus and response. stimulus and response. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. [snorts] [snorts] [snorts] >> How do you come to think about balancing >> How do you come to think about balancing >> How do you come to think about balancing those two things? Because I think the those two things? Because I think the those two things? Because I think the curse of the overthinker is somebody who curse of the overthinker is somebody who curse of the overthinker is somebody who goes, "Okay, so it's important for me to goes, "Okay, so it's important for me to goes, "Okay, so it's important for me to feel how I feel and how I feel is feel how I feel and how I feel is feel how I feel and how I feel is right." Well, yeah, but there's also right." Well, yeah, but there's also right." Well, yeah, but there's also impulse in there and a lot of reaction impulse in there and a lot of reaction impulse in there and a lot of reaction and sometimes activation. and sometimes activation. and sometimes activation. >> Do you understand how these two things >> Do you understand how these two things >> Do you understand how these two things could be sort of on opposite sides of could be sort of on opposite sides of could be sort of on opposite sides of the same scales? the same scales? the same scales? >> I think it comes down to knowing your >> I think it comes down to knowing your >> I think it comes down to knowing your values. values. values. the this the majority of the decisions the this the majority of the decisions the this the majority of the decisions that we make become a lot clearer when that we make become a lot clearer when that we make become a lot clearer when we know what's important to us. So if um we know what's important to us. So if um we know what's important to us. So if um kindness is important to you, what's the kindness is important to you, what's the kindness is important to you, what's the kinder decision here? And genuine kinder decision here? And genuine kinder decision here? And genuine kindness as in maybe I need to leave kindness as in maybe I need to leave kindness as in maybe I need to leave this relationship because it's unkind of this relationship because it's unkind of this relationship because it's unkind of me to stay in it knowing that this other me to stay in it knowing that this other me to stay in it knowing that this other person is fully in it and I'm not like person is fully in it and I'm not like person is fully in it and I'm not like it's unkind of me to stay. So then the it's unkind of me to stay. So then the it's unkind of me to stay. So then the kind decision would be to leave, right? kind decision would be to leave, right? kind decision would be to leave, right? the the the when you're looking at the the values when you're looking at the the values when you're looking at the the values that you hold true to you, you basically that you hold true to you, you basically that you hold true to you, you basically are left with, okay, yeah, this one's are left with, okay, yeah, this one's are left with, okay, yeah, this one's more aligned and this one's not. And if more aligned and this one's not. And if more aligned and this one's not. And if you aren't, then it's pretty much a game you aren't, then it's pretty much a game you aren't, then it's pretty much a game of selfrust because you're going to say, of selfrust because you're going to say, of selfrust because you're going to say, I'm going to go left and I'm going to I'm going to go left and I'm going to I'm going to go left and I'm going to make the most of whatever left is going make the most of whatever left is going make the most of whatever left is going to bring me. to bring me. to bring me. >> I trust myself to do that. I've looked >> I trust myself to do that. I've looked >> I trust myself to do that. I've looked at the I I have another video where I at the I I have another video where I at the I I have another video where I say say say um actually it's on overthinking and um actually it's on overthinking and um actually it's on overthinking and it's um basically um if things go it's um basically um if things go it's um basically um if things go according to plan, great, keep it according to plan, great, keep it according to plan, great, keep it moving. If it if they don't, great, keep moving. If it if they don't, great, keep moving. If it if they don't, great, keep it moving. But the reality is you need it moving. But the reality is you need it moving. But the reality is you need to know that you are there to pick to know that you are there to pick to know that you are there to pick yourself up if or when things don't go yourself up if or when things don't go yourself up if or when things don't go according to plan. So make a according to plan. So make a according to plan. So make a well-intentioned decision, preferably well-intentioned decision, preferably well-intentioned decision, preferably one that aligns with your values, and one that aligns with your values, and one that aligns with your values, and then take it from there. M then take it from there. M then take it from there. M >> but if you're >> but if you're >> but if you're I think if you know that you that this I think if you know that you that this I think if you know that you that this decision isn't going to genuinely harm decision isn't going to genuinely harm decision isn't going to genuinely harm someone. If that that's pretty obvious, someone. If that that's pretty obvious, someone. If that that's pretty obvious, right? If it's going to harm someone, right? If it's going to harm someone, right? If it's going to harm someone, you probably shouldn't do it. But you probably shouldn't do it. But you probably shouldn't do it. But most other decisions are typically going most other decisions are typically going most other decisions are typically going to come down to what do I genuinely want to come down to what do I genuinely want to come down to what do I genuinely want more of or less of in my life? and it's more of or less of in my life? and it's more of or less of in my life? and it's going to feel really big and really going to feel really big and really going to feel really big and really heavy and it's going to feel like this heavy and it's going to feel like this heavy and it's going to feel like this catastrophic or potentially catastrophic catastrophic or potentially catastrophic catastrophic or potentially catastrophic decision. It's like, well, if you really decision. It's like, well, if you really decision. It's like, well, if you really boil it down to this one's going to boil it down to this one's going to boil it down to this one's going to bring me more of this and this one's bring me more of this and this one's bring me more of this and this one's going to bring you more of that, which going to bring you more of that, which going to bring you more of that, which one do you want? And then you decide. one do you want? And then you decide. one do you want? And then you decide. >> So much of it is again >> So much of it is again >> So much of it is again selfrust. It really does come back to selfrust. It really does come back to selfrust. It really does come back to that. I wonder how people are able to that. I wonder how people are able to that. I wonder how people are able to operate functionally inside of a operate functionally inside of a operate functionally inside of a relationship if they don't have relationship if they don't have relationship if they don't have selfrust. Not well. Not well. I mean, selfrust. Not well. Not well. I mean, selfrust. Not well. Not well. I mean, you're looking at you have to look at you're looking at you have to look at you're looking at you have to look at you have to look you have to look you have to look at who you are in this. I call it like at who you are in this. I call it like at who you are in this. I call it like the third entity that that you're the third entity that that you're the third entity that that you're building is the relationship. And you building is the relationship. And you building is the relationship. And you have to look at your side of the street. have to look at your side of the street. have to look at your side of the street. And that's really difficult to do And that's really difficult to do And that's really difficult to do without shame spiraling. Like being able without shame spiraling. Like being able without shame spiraling. Like being able to take a look at how you've contributed to take a look at how you've contributed to take a look at how you've contributed to the circumstances of your to the circumstances of your to the circumstances of your relationship that you dislike. Being relationship that you dislike. Being relationship that you dislike. Being able to genuinely do that is necessary able to genuinely do that is necessary able to genuinely do that is necessary to move the relationship forward in a to move the relationship forward in a to move the relationship forward in a healthy way, but it's impossible to do healthy way, but it's impossible to do healthy way, but it's impossible to do if you don't trust yourself to go there. if you don't trust yourself to go there. if you don't trust yourself to go there. If you don't trust yourself, you spiral. If you don't trust yourself, you spiral. If you don't trust yourself, you spiral. It's like, "Oh, I'm so bad and It's like, "Oh, I'm so bad and It's like, "Oh, I'm so bad and everything's so awful and you're you everything's so awful and you're you everything's so awful and you're you also can't you can't hear the other also can't you can't hear the other also can't you can't hear the other person in the relationship without person in the relationship without person in the relationship without falling into, you know, defense falling into, you know, defense falling into, you know, defense mechanisms and another shame spiral and mechanisms and another shame spiral and mechanisms and another shame spiral and more judgments and deflection, right? If more judgments and deflection, right? If more judgments and deflection, right? If you if you bring something to your you if you bring something to your you if you bring something to your girlfriend, wife, whoever, if you you're girlfriend, wife, whoever, if you you're girlfriend, wife, whoever, if you you're to say, "Hey, I'm really bothered by to say, "Hey, I'm really bothered by to say, "Hey, I'm really bothered by this. You know, I I really miss you. You this. You know, I I really miss you. You this. You know, I I really miss you. You know, you've been working a lot. I've know, you've been working a lot. I've know, you've been working a lot. I've been working a lot, and I just I want been working a lot, and I just I want been working a lot, and I just I want more time with you." She could hear that more time with you." She could hear that more time with you." She could hear that as he doesn't appreciate the work that I as he doesn't appreciate the work that I as he doesn't appreciate the work that I do. He just wants me home. He doesn't do. He just wants me home. He doesn't do. He just wants me home. He doesn't even understand. He only cares about his even understand. He only cares about his even understand. He only cares about his job. Right? When in reality, you're job. Right? When in reality, you're job. Right? When in reality, you're saying, "Hey, I miss you. Could you saying, "Hey, I miss you. Could you saying, "Hey, I miss you. Could you could we spend more time together?" You could we spend more time together?" You could we spend more time together?" You have to be able, she would have to be have to be able, she would have to be have to be able, she would have to be able to really trust able to really trust able to really trust >> her ability to handle her own feelings >> her ability to handle her own feelings >> her ability to handle her own feelings and thus trust you in the relationship and thus trust you in the relationship and thus trust you in the relationship to really hear the request there. Does to really hear the request there. Does to really hear the request there. Does that make sense? that make sense? that make sense? >> Yeah. It's It's interesting how many >> Yeah. It's It's interesting how many >> Yeah. It's It's interesting how many people would prefer to default to a people would prefer to default to a people would prefer to default to a shadow sentence of passive aggression. shadow sentence of passive aggression. shadow sentence of passive aggression. Oh, going out with your friends again Oh, going out with your friends again Oh, going out with your friends again tonight opposed to I miss you and I'd tonight opposed to I miss you and I'd tonight opposed to I miss you and I'd really like to see you and and it would really like to see you and and it would really like to see you and and it would be really great if we could spend some be really great if we could spend some be really great if we could spend some time together this week. Yeah, time together this week. Yeah, time together this week. Yeah, >> like the difference in those two senses >> like the difference in those two senses >> like the difference in those two senses and one of them kind of encourages this and one of them kind of encourages this and one of them kind of encourages this ever escalating game of tit for tat ever escalating game of tit for tat ever escalating game of tit for tat >> of wow last time when you did that thing >> of wow last time when you did that thing >> of wow last time when you did that thing no no as opposed to no no as opposed to no no as opposed to >> I see where you are you're doing >> I see where you are you're doing >> I see where you are you're doing something just exclusively out of love something just exclusively out of love something just exclusively out of love pretty much and [ __ ] like I should pretty much and [ __ ] like I should pretty much and [ __ ] like I should nurture that nurture that nurture that >> I'm sorry that I haven't >> I'm sorry that I haven't >> I'm sorry that I haven't >> and you you said that so nicely there >> and you you said that so nicely there >> and you you said that so nicely there that was such a beautiful way. that was such a beautiful way. that was such a beautiful way. >> It's a British accent >> It's a British accent >> It's a British accent >> of suggesting [laughter] >> of suggesting [laughter] >> of suggesting [laughter] >> British accent, >> British accent, >> British accent, >> but sometimes it does come off a little >> but sometimes it does come off a little >> but sometimes it does come off a little passive aggressive. And even in that passive aggressive. And even in that passive aggressive. And even in that opportunity, even in that is an opportunity, even in that is an opportunity, even in that is an opportunity to actually listen into opportunity to actually listen into opportunity to actually listen into what's being asked of you, even though what's being asked of you, even though what's being asked of you, even though the delivery isn't great. the delivery isn't great. the delivery isn't great. >> That's no, we don't like to talk about >> That's no, we don't like to talk about >> That's no, we don't like to talk about that. We don't like to talk about having that. We don't like to talk about having that. We don't like to talk about having to be the bigger person in the to be the bigger person in the to be the bigger person in the relationship. And I'm not saying that relationship. And I'm not saying that relationship. And I'm not saying that you should be with someone who talks you should be with someone who talks you should be with someone who talks down to you all the time, you know, but down to you all the time, you know, but down to you all the time, you know, but we all have off days where we didn't we all have off days where we didn't we all have off days where we didn't regulate before we came to the table and regulate before we came to the table and regulate before we came to the table and we weren't able to say, "Hey, I really we weren't able to say, "Hey, I really we weren't able to say, "Hey, I really miss you. Could we please spend some miss you. Could we please spend some miss you. Could we please spend some time together?" It comes off as, "Well, time together?" It comes off as, "Well, time together?" It comes off as, "Well, oh, about time. Haven't seen you all oh, about time. Haven't seen you all oh, about time. Haven't seen you all week." You know, first dinner we've had week." You know, first dinner we've had week." You know, first dinner we've had together in six days, together in six days, together in six days, >> yada yada. >> yada yada. >> yada yada. >> There's an opportunity there to lean in >> There's an opportunity there to lean in >> There's an opportunity there to lean in and see, okay, what is being asked of and see, okay, what is being asked of and see, okay, what is being asked of me? me? me? >> What is the request here? you know, I >> What is the request here? you know, I >> What is the request here? you know, I care about this person enough to assume care about this person enough to assume care about this person enough to assume that what they want that what they want that what they want isn't necessarily to my detriment, isn't necessarily to my detriment, isn't necessarily to my detriment, right? It's not going to hurt me. right? It's not going to hurt me. right? It's not going to hurt me. They're looking for something They're looking for something They're looking for something that I can supply. So, if they're that I can supply. So, if they're that I can supply. So, if they're looking for more love, what could the looking for more love, what could the looking for more love, what could the love look like in this passive love look like in this passive love look like in this passive aggressive comment? aggressive comment? aggressive comment? >> That's not fun to do until you get >> That's not fun to do until you get >> That's not fun to do until you get really good at it, then it's kind of really good at it, then it's kind of really good at it, then it's kind of fun. But fun. But fun. But >> but then after a while you you do risk >> but then after a while you you do risk >> but then after a while you you do risk getting into the late light late late getting into the late light late late getting into the late light late late night journaling sessions for a very night journaling sessions for a very night journaling sessions for a very long time. Well, explain to me again why long time. Well, explain to me again why long time. Well, explain to me again why it is that you decided to call me a it is that you decided to call me a it is that you decided to call me a [ __ ] [ __ ] [laughter] Like just tell [ __ ] [ __ ] [laughter] Like just tell [ __ ] [ __ ] [laughter] Like just tell me me me is it because of your father like that is it because of your father like that is it because of your father like that you did this thing? But I get it. And a you did this thing? But I get it. And a you did this thing? But I get it. And a lot of this is uh learning to temper lot of this is uh learning to temper lot of this is uh learning to temper your foot on and off the gas. But too your foot on and off the gas. But too your foot on and off the gas. But too much of that too much of that much of that too much of that much of that too much of that overthinking of well am I should I be a overthinking of well am I should I be a overthinking of well am I should I be a little bit more understanding or have I little bit more understanding or have I little bit more understanding or have I is this really I should take the the is this really I should take the the is this really I should take the the fivestep Byron Katy journaling protocol fivestep Byron Katy journaling protocol fivestep Byron Katy journaling protocol so that I can make sure that I so that I can make sure that I so that I can make sure that I understand go do you feel good? understand go do you feel good? understand go do you feel good? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Do you it just comes back to do you feel >> Do you it just comes back to do you feel >> Do you it just comes back to do you feel good inside of this relationship? good inside of this relationship? good inside of this relationship? >> And is there okay let's play that >> And is there okay let's play that >> And is there okay let's play that situation back too. Passive aggressive. situation back too. Passive aggressive. situation back too. Passive aggressive. You're the bigger person. Awesome. you You're the bigger person. Awesome. you You're the bigger person. Awesome. you found the the request. found the the request. found the the request. There should also be a comment that's There should also be a comment that's There should also be a comment that's like, "Hey, I really love you. Clearly, like, "Hey, I really love you. Clearly, like, "Hey, I really love you. Clearly, you're really stressed. Can we work on you're really stressed. Can we work on you're really stressed. Can we work on this?" Because like that wasn't fun to this?" Because like that wasn't fun to this?" Because like that wasn't fun to communicate with. communicate with. communicate with. >> You know, I'm really trying to stay in >> You know, I'm really trying to stay in >> You know, I'm really trying to stay in it and like I care about you. So, like it and like I care about you. So, like it and like I care about you. So, like what what's what can we do to make that what what's what can we do to make that what what's what can we do to make that better? better? better? >> Do you not just to put up with it >> Do you not just to put up with it >> Do you not just to put up with it endlessly, but it gives the I mean, endlessly, but it gives the I mean, endlessly, but it gives the I mean, think about that. You ever been in a think about that. You ever been in a think about that. You ever been in a really bad mood and you bump into really bad mood and you bump into really bad mood and you bump into someone who's in a great mood and you're someone who's in a great mood and you're someone who's in a great mood and you're like, "Man, I just I got I need more of like, "Man, I just I got I need more of like, "Man, I just I got I need more of that. I need more of that today, you that. I need more of that today, you that. I need more of that today, you know, and you and then you do you shake know, and you and then you do you shake know, and you and then you do you shake some of it off and you go on about your some of it off and you go on about your some of it off and you go on about your day a little bit lighter, a little bit day a little bit lighter, a little bit day a little bit lighter, a little bit more upbeat. It's similar in a more upbeat. It's similar in a more upbeat. It's similar in a relationship only kind of a hundfold. relationship only kind of a hundfold. relationship only kind of a hundfold. Like if you come to the table trying to Like if you come to the table trying to Like if you come to the table trying to be more emotionally mature, more secure, be more emotionally mature, more secure, be more emotionally mature, more secure, and the other person does too, you're and the other person does too, you're and the other person does too, you're going to have days where that doesn't going to have days where that doesn't going to have days where that doesn't perfectly align, but the fact that perfectly align, but the fact that perfectly align, but the fact that you're both committed to it means that you're both committed to it means that you're both committed to it means that you do level up. you do level up. you do level up. >> Yeah. What do you think AI relationships >> Yeah. What do you think AI relationships >> Yeah. What do you think AI relationships say about people today and their need say about people today and their need say about people today and their need for connection? for connection? for connection? I don't know. What do they say? I don't know. What do they say? I don't know. What do they say? >> Well, I mean, there's an awful lot GPT >> Well, I mean, there's an awful lot GPT >> Well, I mean, there's an awful lot GPT 40 when that 40 when that 40 when that >> Oh, you're saying our relationships with >> Oh, you're saying our relationships with >> Oh, you're saying our relationships with AI. AI. AI. >> Yeah. So, the the fact that people are >> Yeah. So, the the fact that people are >> Yeah. So, the the fact that people are having relationships with AI, what do having relationships with AI, what do having relationships with AI, what do you think that says as a comment about you think that says as a comment about you think that says as a comment about where people's attachments are at the where people's attachments are at the where people's attachments are at the moment? moment? moment? I think we I think we I think we search for the least amount of friction search for the least amount of friction search for the least amount of friction possible possible possible and that's an issue because humans are and that's an issue because humans are and that's an issue because humans are imperfect, right? like we're we're all imperfect, right? like we're we're all imperfect, right? like we're we're all fallible. And that's a problem when you fallible. And that's a problem when you fallible. And that's a problem when you can log on to a chatbot who's going to can log on to a chatbot who's going to can log on to a chatbot who's going to validate your every request, every validate your every request, every validate your every request, every desire, going to validate your every desire, going to validate your every desire, going to validate your every thought, your every feeling with zero thought, your every feeling with zero thought, your every feeling with zero expectation, zero um expectation of expectation, zero um expectation of expectation, zero um expectation of reciprocity anyway. reciprocity anyway. reciprocity anyway. And you get to scratch that itch. That And you get to scratch that itch. That And you get to scratch that itch. That becomes a problem when you're looking becomes a problem when you're looking becomes a problem when you're looking at, you know, real life. And if you're at, you know, real life. And if you're at, you know, real life. And if you're really looking for a husband, a wife, a really looking for a husband, a wife, a really looking for a husband, a wife, a partner, someone to even just friends, partner, someone to even just friends, partner, someone to even just friends, then your friends become annoying then your friends become annoying then your friends become annoying because your friends have inconvenienced because your friends have inconvenienced because your friends have inconvenienced you, unlike your chatbot does, um, that you, unlike your chatbot does, um, that you, unlike your chatbot does, um, that worries me a little bit. worries me a little bit. worries me a little bit. >> It does. >> It does. >> It does. >> Do you see, uh, Whitney Wolf Hood, >> Do you see, uh, Whitney Wolf Hood, >> Do you see, uh, Whitney Wolf Hood, Bumble CEO, talk about how people's AIs Bumble CEO, talk about how people's AIs Bumble CEO, talk about how people's AIs will date other people's AIs and then will date other people's AIs and then will date other people's AIs and then sort of pass that up to the inverse sort of pass that up to the inverse sort of pass that up to the inverse salesunnel? I mean, I don't see I would salesunnel? I mean, I don't see I would salesunnel? I mean, I don't see I would love to actually see what she's talking love to actually see what she's talking love to actually see what she's talking about because that just sounds insane. about because that just sounds insane. about because that just sounds insane. That sounds absolutely bonkers. You tell That sounds absolutely bonkers. You tell That sounds absolutely bonkers. You tell so much about a person by the photos so much about a person by the photos so much about a person by the photos that they choose on their dating app, by that they choose on their dating app, by that they choose on their dating app, by the way certain prompts, by the way that the way certain prompts, by the way that the way certain prompts, by the way that the opening line that you get when you the opening line that you get when you the opening line that you get when you first message. Like, there's so much first message. Like, there's so much first message. Like, there's so much that you read into. Well, what does that that you read into. Well, what does that that you read into. Well, what does that even mean? Your AI avatars are going to even mean? Your AI avatars are going to even mean? Your AI avatars are going to be speaking to each other. I don't think be speaking to each other. I don't think be speaking to each other. I don't think it should be legal. Sorry, I don't. or I it should be legal. Sorry, I don't. or I it should be legal. Sorry, I don't. or I I I really I think that you're crossing I I really I think that you're crossing I I really I think that you're crossing into really dangerous territory when it into really dangerous territory when it into really dangerous territory when it comes to choosing romantic partners comes to choosing romantic partners comes to choosing romantic partners based on your AI avatars. It removes the based on your AI avatars. It removes the based on your AI avatars. It removes the humanness from a fundamentally human humanness from a fundamentally human humanness from a fundamentally human necessity. necessity. necessity. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> Mhm. >> That's concerning to me. >> That's concerning to me. >> That's concerning to me. >> Well, the one area that AI sucks is most >> Well, the one area that AI sucks is most >> Well, the one area that AI sucks is most is taste. is taste. is taste. >> Being able to be tasteful. If you ask it >> Being able to be tasteful. If you ask it >> Being able to be tasteful. If you ask it to tell you a joke, like write an to tell you a joke, like write an to tell you a joke, like write an interesting joke about this, I'm yet to interesting joke about this, I'm yet to interesting joke about this, I'm yet to hear any that even partly understands hear any that even partly understands hear any that even partly understands how human psychology works. how human psychology works. how human psychology works. >> Um, and that level of discernment, I >> Um, and that level of discernment, I >> Um, and that level of discernment, I think, is think, is think, is essentially non-existent. Now, that this essentially non-existent. Now, that this essentially non-existent. Now, that this may just be a compute problem, right? If may just be a compute problem, right? If may just be a compute problem, right? If you get 10 times the transformers, maybe you get 10 times the transformers, maybe you get 10 times the transformers, maybe this will just come along for the ride. this will just come along for the ride. this will just come along for the ride. But something tells me that yeah, it's But something tells me that yeah, it's But something tells me that yeah, it's it's fundamentally a human a human it's fundamentally a human a human it's fundamentally a human a human challenge. And also challenge. And also challenge. And also there is something about the meat the uh there is something about the meat the uh there is something about the meat the uh what's it called? Meet cute story like what's it called? Meet cute story like what's it called? Meet cute story like how did you guys get together? No one how did you guys get together? No one how did you guys get together? No one wants to say online. No one wants to say wants to say online. No one wants to say wants to say online. No one wants to say online dating. I [ __ ] bet even fewer online dating. I [ __ ] bet even fewer online dating. I [ __ ] bet even fewer people want to say oh my AI avatar and people want to say oh my AI avatar and people want to say oh my AI avatar and his AI avatar. They really got on well his AI avatar. They really got on well his AI avatar. They really got on well and we didn't think it was going to and we didn't think it was going to and we didn't think it was going to work. But the AI avatars, they convinced work. But the AI avatars, they convinced work. But the AI avatars, they convinced us. us. us. >> I do. We do. We know how it's going to >> I do. We do. We know how it's going to >> I do. We do. We know how it's going to work. Are you genuinely going to be work. Are you genuinely going to be work. Are you genuinely going to be pulling up a conversation between your pulling up a conversation between your pulling up a conversation between your avatars and be like, "Oh, that's going avatars and be like, "Oh, that's going avatars and be like, "Oh, that's going well." well." well." >> I would imagine it'll be some kind of >> I would imagine it'll be some kind of >> I would imagine it'll be some kind of pre-screening. So, I imagine that you'll pre-screening. So, I imagine that you'll pre-screening. So, I imagine that you'll do some kind of psychometric evaluation, do some kind of psychometric evaluation, do some kind of psychometric evaluation, uh, testing convers. And then you do the same with somebody And then you do the same with somebody else. they must have some kind of data else. they must have some kind of data else. they must have some kind of data set of compatibility of people typically set of compatibility of people typically set of compatibility of people typically who are like this don't get on or do get who are like this don't get on or do get who are like this don't get on or do get on with people who are like that and on with people who are like that and on with people who are like that and then over time you end up filtering then over time you end up filtering then over time you end up filtering these out. Now what's interesting what's these out. Now what's interesting what's these out. Now what's interesting what's interesting is that maybe if you do get interesting is that maybe if you do get interesting is that maybe if you do get away from swiping and apparently this is away from swiping and apparently this is away from swiping and apparently this is I don't know whether this is true or not I don't know whether this is true or not I don't know whether this is true or not but I heard it um sort of the swipe but I heard it um sort of the swipe but I heard it um sort of the swipe economy is eating [ __ ] at the moment. economy is eating [ __ ] at the moment. economy is eating [ __ ] at the moment. they're really struggling uh user they're really struggling uh user they're really struggling uh user numbers, usage, revenue, all of this numbers, usage, revenue, all of this numbers, usage, revenue, all of this stuff going through the floor. So, this stuff going through the floor. So, this stuff going through the floor. So, this is a way to try and counteract that. One is a way to try and counteract that. One is a way to try and counteract that. One thing that might be a bit of a white thing that might be a bit of a white thing that might be a bit of a white pill, at least a white pill lining on pill, at least a white pill lining on pill, at least a white pill lining on this, this, this, if you get around some of the biases and if you get around some of the biases and if you get around some of the biases and erroneous judgments that people have of erroneous judgments that people have of erroneous judgments that people have of others, maybe the AIS will be able to others, maybe the AIS will be able to others, maybe the AIS will be able to feed you partners that you would not feed you partners that you would not feed you partners that you would not have seen as a potential match that may have seen as a potential match that may have seen as a potential match that may go on to actually be a match for you go on to actually be a match for you go on to actually be a match for you because it's gotten rid of some of the, because it's gotten rid of some of the, because it's gotten rid of some of the, you know, there tends to be a a zeroing you know, there tends to be a a zeroing you know, there tends to be a a zeroing in like a gravitational pull towards in like a gravitational pull towards in like a gravitational pull towards certain people on dating apps. Now, certain people on dating apps. Now, certain people on dating apps. Now, that's because everybody's optimizing that's because everybody's optimizing that's because everybody's optimizing for the same quite small bucket of for the same quite small bucket of for the same quite small bucket of traits that are usually available traits that are usually available traits that are usually available through through dating apps. Uh, through through dating apps. Uh, through through dating apps. Uh, if you have AI, maybe they're going to if you have AI, maybe they're going to if you have AI, maybe they're going to be able to find people that you wouldn't be able to find people that you wouldn't be able to find people that you wouldn't have necessarily swiped on, but you have necessarily swiped on, but you have necessarily swiped on, but you would get into a great relationship would get into a great relationship would get into a great relationship with. And I don't know, maybe maybe that with. And I don't know, maybe maybe that with. And I don't know, maybe maybe that broadens the playing field a little bit broadens the playing field a little bit broadens the playing field a little bit more. Makes it a little bit more I'm try more. Makes it a little bit more I'm try more. Makes it a little bit more I'm try I'm I'm scraping the barrel here. Okay. I'm I'm scraping the barrel here. Okay. I'm I'm scraping the barrel here. Okay. I'm really trying. I'm really trying. I'm really trying. >> What if we I was going to say what if we >> What if we I was going to say what if we >> What if we I was going to say what if we came up with shows, dating shows where came up with shows, dating shows where came up with shows, dating shows where we put everyone on planes and sent them we put everyone on planes and sent them we put everyone on planes and sent them off to go date and there's like a off to go date and there's like a off to go date and there's like a hundred of those, right? Where we send hundred of those, right? Where we send hundred of those, right? Where we send people off to go people off to go people off to go >> Okay. Yeah, there is. I was on >> Okay. Yeah, there is. I was on >> Okay. Yeah, there is. I was on [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] >> Yeah. Yeah. You don't need any more of >> Yeah. Yeah. You don't need any more of >> Yeah. Yeah. You don't need any more of those. You do not need any more of those. You do not need any more of those. You do not need any more of those. But we do the AIs and the AIs those. But we do the AIs and the AIs those. But we do the AIs and the AIs talk to each other and then we watch the talk to each other and then we watch the talk to each other and then we watch the conversations and then we have an conversations and then we have an conversations and then we have an infinite number of dating shows. infinite number of dating shows. infinite number of dating shows. >> Yeah, that's part that's such a good >> Yeah, that's part that's such a good >> Yeah, that's part that's such a good idea and then we don't even need to idea and then we don't even need to idea and then we don't even need to date. We can just sit there and watch date. We can just sit there and watch date. We can just sit there and watch our AI avatars date on screen for us. our AI avatars date on screen for us. our AI avatars date on screen for us. >> The dystopia is just it's too ready. But >> The dystopia is just it's too ready. But >> The dystopia is just it's too ready. But yeah, I look I I I yeah, I look I I I yeah, I look I I I >> Can we just all go to coffee shops? >> Can we just all go to coffee shops? >> Can we just all go to coffee shops? Singles coffee shops Thursdays from 6:00 Singles coffee shops Thursdays from 6:00 Singles coffee shops Thursdays from 6:00 a.m. to 9:00 a.m. Especially someone a.m. to 9:00 a.m. Especially someone a.m. to 9:00 a.m. Especially someone like somewhere here in Austin. like somewhere here in Austin. like somewhere here in Austin. >> You know what I like? I like this uh >> You know what I like? I like this uh >> You know what I like? I like this uh lectures on tap thing. Have you seen lectures on tap thing. Have you seen lectures on tap thing. Have you seen this? Oh, so it's kind of in New York. I this? Oh, so it's kind of in New York. I this? Oh, so it's kind of in New York. I think it might be coming to Austin as think it might be coming to Austin as think it might be coming to Austin as well. Uh, it's well. Uh, it's well. Uh, it's professors and and professors and and professors and and academics and and other people that do academics and and other people that do academics and and other people that do interesting research giving interesting research giving interesting research giving presentations in what looks like bars presentations in what looks like bars presentations in what looks like bars and maybe sort of small event spaces and and maybe sort of small event spaces and and maybe sort of small event spaces and uh people get to go and it's kind of uh people get to go and it's kind of uh people get to go and it's kind of like going back to school but learn like going back to school but learn like going back to school but learn there was one about black holes and there was one about black holes and there was one about black holes and there's another about human evolution there's another about human evolution there's another about human evolution and then there's another about geology and then there's another about geology and then there's another about geology and whatever and uh and whatever and uh and whatever and uh >> I love it >> I love it >> I love it >> probably not great if you're trying to >> probably not great if you're trying to >> probably not great if you're trying to listen to a lecture to have someone listen to a lecture to have someone listen to a lecture to have someone going like, "Hey, hey, are you single? going like, "Hey, hey, are you single? going like, "Hey, hey, are you single? >> Jesus, watch your Instagram." >> Jesus, watch your Instagram." >> Jesus, watch your Instagram." >> Dude, shut the [ __ ] up. I'm learning >> Dude, shut the [ __ ] up. I'm learning >> Dude, shut the [ __ ] up. I'm learning about I'm learning about how gravity about I'm learning about how gravity about I'm learning about how gravity works. Yeah, I'm [laughter] learning works. Yeah, I'm [laughter] learning works. Yeah, I'm [laughter] learning about how gravity works. about how gravity works. about how gravity works. >> But you come in an hour early, two hours >> But you come in an hour early, two hours >> But you come in an hour early, two hours early. All the singles come in at a early. All the singles come in at a early. All the singles come in at a specific day. Like, there are just I I I specific day. Like, there are just I I I specific day. Like, there are just I I I wish that we could h I wish that we wish that we could h I wish that we wish that we could h I wish that we could encourage people to get outside could encourage people to get outside could encourage people to get outside and actually speak to each other more. and actually speak to each other more. and actually speak to each other more. And I know this is everyone says it and And I know this is everyone says it and And I know this is everyone says it and I I don't have an answer for it. I don't I I don't have an answer for it. I don't I I don't have an answer for it. I don't know how to solve the issue. But there's know how to solve the issue. But there's know how to solve the issue. But there's a magic that happens just by being in a magic that happens just by being in a magic that happens just by being in someone's presence and then your laundry someone's presence and then your laundry someone's presence and then your laundry list of to of of wants and list of to of of wants and list of to of of wants and non-negotiables and all of the things. non-negotiables and all of the things. non-negotiables and all of the things. Maybe not the non-negotiables, but your Maybe not the non-negotiables, but your Maybe not the non-negotiables, but your all of your wants is seem so all of your wants is seem so all of your wants is seem so >> well. Your non-negotiables become way >> well. Your non-negotiables become way >> well. Your non-negotiables become way more negotiable. more negotiable. more negotiable. >> That's right. [laughter] You know, >> That's right. [laughter] You know, >> That's right. [laughter] You know, >> if they're true non-negotiables, they'll >> if they're true non-negotiables, they'll >> if they're true non-negotiables, they'll stay non-negotiable. But your list tends stay non-negotiable. But your list tends stay non-negotiable. But your list tends to to dissipate quite quickly when to to dissipate quite quickly when to to dissipate quite quickly when you're just in the presence of someone you're just in the presence of someone you're just in the presence of someone that you enjoy. that you enjoy. that you enjoy. >> I had an idea for a dating app which is >> I had an idea for a dating app which is >> I had an idea for a dating app which is all that you're allowed to put up is a all that you're allowed to put up is a all that you're allowed to put up is a one minute selfie video. M one minute selfie video. M one minute selfie video. M >> it's just video because what you're >> it's just video because what you're >> it's just video because what you're trying to do basically as far as I can trying to do basically as far as I can trying to do basically as far as I can see most online dating is just you speed see most online dating is just you speed see most online dating is just you speed running through this sort of weird running through this sort of weird running through this sort of weird sterile autistic back and forth sterile autistic back and forth sterile autistic back and forth conversation where you try not to be too conversation where you try not to be too conversation where you try not to be too keen but also try to make the needs keen but also try to make the needs keen but also try to make the needs known without seeming too needy to get known without seeming too needy to get known without seeming too needy to get to the point where you can see and speak to the point where you can see and speak to the point where you can see and speak to the other person. to the other person. to the other person. >> Mhm. Problem being, >> Mhm. Problem being, >> Mhm. Problem being, I've not experienced this, not a woman. I've not experienced this, not a woman. I've not experienced this, not a woman. Reliably, I've been told that the DMs of Reliably, I've been told that the DMs of Reliably, I've been told that the DMs of most women on the internet or a [ __ ] most women on the internet or a [ __ ] most women on the internet or a [ __ ] cesspool. And if you open up a dating cesspool. And if you open up a dating cesspool. And if you open up a dating app to just have video, app to just have video, app to just have video, >> uh, I worry whether that would be a >> uh, I worry whether that would be a >> uh, I worry whether that would be a potential. potential. potential. >> Yeah, you'd need some AI on there to >> Yeah, you'd need some AI on there to >> Yeah, you'd need some AI on there to filter. filter. filter. >> Okay. So, people would be dressing >> Okay. So, people would be dressing >> Okay. So, people would be dressing They'd be dressing their dick picks up They'd be dressing their dick picks up They'd be dressing their dick picks up with a mustache. They'd be sort of with a mustache. They'd be sort of with a mustache. They'd be sort of >> literally >> literally >> literally >> popping this on the top and they'd be >> popping this on the top and they'd be >> popping this on the top and they'd be like, "Hello. [laughter] like, "Hello. [laughter] like, "Hello. [laughter] >> My name's Christopher. I'd love how >> My name's Christopher. I'd love how >> My name's Christopher. I'd love how lovely to meet you." lovely to meet you." lovely to meet you." >> It's like slowly getting like lower over >> It's like slowly getting like lower over >> It's like slowly getting like lower over time. [laughter] time. [laughter] time. [laughter] >> It's like, "Sorry, let me put some blood >> It's like, "Sorry, let me put some blood >> It's like, "Sorry, let me put some blood back in." Um, back in." Um, back in." Um, >> it's like you're speaking from >> it's like you're speaking from >> it's like you're speaking from experience. experience. experience. >> Yeah. No, this creative that look, I've >> Yeah. No, this creative that look, I've >> Yeah. No, this creative that look, I've never done that. Ideas. never done that. Ideas. never done that. Ideas. >> No, that's not that's not how it works. >> No, that's not that's not how it works. >> No, that's not that's not how it works. >> Good. >> Good. >> Good. >> Uh, cute. Let's bring this one home. >> Uh, cute. Let's bring this one home. >> Uh, cute. Let's bring this one home. You're awesome. I love your work. I You're awesome. I love your work. I You're awesome. I love your work. I think you're great. I love the fact that think you're great. I love the fact that think you're great. I love the fact that you're trying to help people understand you're trying to help people understand you're trying to help people understand themselves better. Where should everyone themselves better. Where should everyone themselves better. Where should everyone go to check out what you're doing? go to check out what you're doing? go to check out what you're doing? >> At Quinnland Walther on all the things, >> At Quinnland Walther on all the things, >> At Quinnland Walther on all the things, all the places I'm doing a live tour. all the places I'm doing a live tour. all the places I'm doing a live tour. Super excited. 12 live workshops. Um Super excited. 12 live workshops. Um Super excited. 12 live workshops. Um dates to be announced, but it's in the dates to be announced, but it's in the dates to be announced, but it's in the coming months. Got to keep that one a coming months. Got to keep that one a coming months. Got to keep that one a little a little quiet. little a little quiet. little a little quiet. >> I know. I appreciate you. Until next >> I know. I appreciate you. Until next >> I know. I appreciate you. Until next time. time. time. >> Thanks, Chris. >> Thanks, Chris. >> Thanks, Chris. >> Bye. All right. See you next time, >> Bye. All right. See you next time, >> Bye. All right. See you next time, everyone. everyone. everyone. >> Yes. Thank you very much for tuning in. >> Yes. Thank you very much for tuning in. >> Yes. Thank you very much for tuning in. If you enjoyed that episode, YouTube If you enjoyed that episode, YouTube If you enjoyed that episode, YouTube knows who you are deeply. It thinks knows who you are deeply. It thinks knows who you are deeply. It thinks you're going to like this one [music] you're going to like this one [music] you're going to like this one [music] even more. even more. even more. Go on.