Ex-Gang Member: What Makes A Violent Man Change? - Johnny Chang

Key Takeaway

Identify one relationship where resentment still dictates your mood, choices, or inner dialogue. Today, write two columns: what happened and what it still costs you. Then take one non-destructive step toward release—draft an apology for your part, request a conversation, or state privately that you will no longer let the injury control your life. Forgiveness does not excuse harm or require reconciliation; it is a decision to stop carrying the emotional shackles forward.

Episode Overview

Johnny Chang recounts growing up amid domestic violence, gang recruitment, youth detention, adult prison, and the criminal life he returned to after release. He describes how mentorship, faith, accountability, and an emotionally difficult reconciliation with his father helped him exchange violence, manipulation, and control for a different definition of strength.

Full Transcript

Transcript of Ex-Gang Member: What Makes A Violent Man Change? - Johnny Chang from Modern Wisdom. Auto-generated from episode audio; may contain minor errors.

Tell me about your story. How are you? ended up where you are today? Yes, I grew up in the San Francisco Valley. Gabriel, on the east side side of Los Angeles. In some housing project. Um, me too didn't grow up like this stereotypical Asian . For example, I don't loved anime and not loved mathematics. I liked it. weapons and group sex, mostly. AND before that it was because that my parents were immigrants. Um, they are not very good coped with their by power. Obviously, found themselves in poverty.

They came from the American dream, understanding that everything is not as simple as the others people depicted how our family is at home. Um, yes, we found ourselves in projects. They are not understood gangster violence, gangster culture . They just thought: " Oh, this place is cheap. The government is helping us. Why not be there?" And dad, um, he chef for profession, but he trying, um, you know, do whatever can a person do isn't that right? Provide your family. He begins develop this addiction, um, to alcohol.

He constantly drinks soju. Em , and then he starts beat my mother, beat me, beat my brother. Basically, he has it was like, uh, I I remember this a sense of victimhood, where he thought: "I have come here, I tried as could, and now everyone "They want to get me." It's like he tore everything apart. your friendships with friends. I remember uh, he just blamed everyone. He blamed everyone. Or was alcoholism reaction to what he felt that something is slipping out of- under his hands? Yes.

Yes, that was it. And then he spoke. about certain things from past, which I don't know about knew. I was too young, but I I remember what he said. certain things, like "I never wanted to "to do this". He constantly talking such things, and I am like this: " Okay, whatever. You know, you're a child. You "You don't understand." Uh, yeah. then he, you know, just broke my ribs my mother. You know, he said that very beat my brother badly earlier. He loves me very much, hit very hard.

And here it is I have come to this point. I will become what I thought: " Okay, I'm about 8. years. I can't, you know, rely on on my dad, because I know that he is now "will go crazy." So I I'm just trying. to hang out in the streets. And it seems that at 8 years I started more fight. Me suspended when I was 10 years old. And I just started around this is spinning. Many people don't know, but in Los Angeles approximately in the 9th years was gangster culture.

It was simple. madness. Right then Snoop took the stage Dogg, Tupac and this one gangster rap AND it is literally came rushing in like a wave and crack cocaine, meth, which spread throughout the area. And so, you know, we started to see changes in this area where people just became more crazy, right? Yes? Um, you know, the only one an event that helped I realize that I I can't trust no. neither to dad nor to mom, happened at the age of 10. I I remember walking with Hijo market, which situated near mine district in the district.

And to I was picked up at children in the car and beat them me. Four children They beat me to death. . And you know, on me attacked for the first time. They They took my backpack, They took my shoes, so I went home barefoot, with blood on his feet nose or something else, in a torn shirt. And you know, my dad asked me: "Where your clothes? Where are yours? things? What happened? You Are you fighting again? And I replied: "Yes, but on "I was attacked." And he, probably couldn't understand why children That's what they do with children.

I am 10 years old. Why someone just came and beat us? My dad didn't know then that between Asians and Mexicans walked war. So they just prayed for us, you know, uh, on pity, even though you weren't part of this because your race, you were part of this. Yes. That's right. So many children in that time, uh, in the era green light, like we call it, beating. And this is because two gangs, you know, attacked each other . But, uh, I remember how my dad is bright said: "When you "Will you stop lying?" And then he said: " Today is the day, when will you stop lie, and I you "I'll knock it out." So on me attacked, and then, when I, you know, left.

home, my dad actually beat me. Uh, and then, I just I remember that during this time everything was otherwise. I am used to beatings. But it seems then I realized that I can't do anything anymore. to tell your Dad's. Its just no. My mother obviously helped him me to beat because he perceived it's like this: if you don't Help me beat. child, then you don't like me You support me, right? AND so, unfortunately, she did the same thing, me too my brother And therefore, You know, I thought: " Okay, I can't eat them.

trust". I started hold on more away. I just have was this internal rage. I fought, and this It wasn't fun anymore. It was more like survival. I tried to kill a person. And it's simple. lasted 10 years. Yes . And then, er, in two years I fought, me suspended, my Dad beats me. And I almost accepted it as if I were going to beat me. Well, what? whatever. It's simple. part of this. I came out. Um, I walked. to...went to...well, you know, uh... stores where I go I go...

wherever I go I was walking...I literally I was just messing around. I I steal, um, I carry a knife to schools. At 12 years old you are starting to see changes in my life, when the gangs notice this is because when they doing what they do they do, they seem to They prey on children. They look at them. and they say, "Okay, this one The guy gets into trouble. You know, he "more fights." AND they are, in fact, tried recruit me. Well, they are not going try to recruit a child, who sits at home and says: "It's about 8:00, reads his books ".

Yes. Yes. So, um, in that one time, I remember the first they meet They beat me up, that meant, like you, they are actually They checked you, right? They know that you nowhere, but they want see. So, I I remember them. they targeted me weapons and just They said, "Where are you from?" which means, you know, with Which gang? And I, Of course, it froze. And I replied: "Well, I don't care." "didn't say." And then they say: "You are from nowhere". And I say: " No, you are busy.

group sex? I I say: "No, I don't." I do group work. sex." And then they They say: "Do you want "Go for a ride?" That is, let's hang out Do you understand? And, of course, I just thought, they seem to be was for the buddies. So I remember, I think he was 16, 15, 15 and 14. So they too were just children, Yes? And yes, they are said: "Come on "Let's hang out." I I remember sitting in a black Honda Civic in the back, and then in white, and they We started getting to know each other.

They called me that. boy, this boy and this guy, and gave their names, and I replied, "Cool." They say, "Come on "Let's hang out." I I remember they led eat me, and then the older boy, he was 16, brought me to his uncle, and his uncle was one of those who accepted decision to shoot, that is, someone from the OG, and he said: "What is he this, the most pleasant the guy I I remember." I replied: "This guy in tattoos. He served time in prison. He has a big physique, real "man".

And he is like this: "What happened, dude?" Very soft, very respectful. And he like this: "You know what? You hungry?" And they are like that : "No, we took him to eat". He is like this: " Okay, cool." And he got a bunch of cash, got 100 dollars and gave it to me. And then said: "Brother, I hope you you understand that when you are with "With us, you're like family." And I remember how he He told me that, and I thought: "Wow, this The guy is cool.

He respectful. He has "A gun on my hip." As if everyone respects this guy. AND, it seems that in that the moment I fell in love with this is it, isn't it? I thought: "He is so gentle with you." Very gentle. Very respectful. Very tender. Hmm, and I just, Of course, you know, I 12 years old, and I thought: " This guy is cool, you know." And I remember, like in a car backwards, when they me planted, I thought: "Dude, this he is handsome, he is like that steep.

He is like this steep". I just continued it repeat, Do you understand? They replied: "Yes, he unbelievable". But, obviously it was just like forcing me before this. AND looking back, or Do you think so? by predation and coercion, or concern when there is a child who does not have father who would Did you take care of her? Well, I I mean, let him my soul, but he was known for this. And therefore he brought a lot your friends in district and, um, used them because ultimately the same the guy asked me to fulfill a mission, which consists in the fact that to do something for me.

And he said it. He said, "Hey, Brother, you know, these people "My enemies." And you know , if you are my brother, then they are your enemies. AND he started me to delve into, What is gangster? culture. And again Yes, I am like this: I am not I know who these guys are. but they just opposition. So, because I love you , and you are my brother, I I will do it for you, Do you understand? And so, thanks to this, hmm, here where I first caught this matter.

It was this one. boy. He said: " This guy thinks that he is like that, you know, he known drug dealer in our area." And, hm, he is like this: "He stepping on our feet and tries this to do, so we we have to go and get him, to kidnap, by basically, hmm, and then steal all his things , you understand; and if we will have to beat or kill, so what "will be." So I remember, This was the first mission, which I did. Hmm, on sorry, then me too caught for the first time.

AND we were all caught. There were six of us. Hmm, then I first learned about RICO. So RICO is when you know that the government used him to destroy, for example, the Sicilian mafia and the Italian mafia, yes ? In America, this is essentially , as Service internal security, FBI, CIA. They working together to destroy these gangs. Hmm, we were persecuted, and I didn't know that. Me 12 years old. And when me catch, all mine friends tell me: " You will serve a few days. months.

You are a child. Nothing wrong with that. This will not happen. You didn't burn anyone. You didn't kill anyone. You did nothing, "Isn't that true?" But then I was accused of kidnapping and robbery. And I like this: "Wow." And then I've had enough. severe sentence. And this was the first time I heard about YA, that is Californian youth administration. AND then my friends thought: "Oh, damn, you "You're going to YA." And everyone they were shocked, because it was my first protection. I shouldn't. was to go to YA.

YA is when, you know, children kill their own parents and burn house. This is the worst. from the worst. There there were serial killers, serial killers- baby Um, just madness. And therefore they forced me to go there exclusively through the RICO law. So they said: "This Boy, I remember. I heard something like ...He is a child murderer , you know, his are taught to be like that, by such and such a gang. "And they lined up the affairs of my friends, which already accused and serving a sentence in prison, and all of them were there for murder.

So they are like: "This is his friends. This is the path that this baby. We need to get ahead of it." "Yes. That's right. Guilt by association. Yes. And then they, by essentially, they said: "Yes, That makes sense. You know, they are as follows: " Look at him. He looks young, but doesn't listen. He has , you know, good childhood. They they simply say: " The killer is waiting. Yes. And I'm like, "What, Damn it, is happening? AND then I hear four years. They are as follows: " Okay, you will get it.

for this four years. Ahem, you are essentially admitting "your fault." "And I actually deprived a witness of trust for the sake of gangs. It was less serious accusation. Hmm, ah then they said: " You will have to serve 50% of this half-time. And you know, The judge simply said: "I hope you learn your lesson, because "Where are you going?" he replied: "Everything "It will be very difficult." So I got into SRCC, which is Southern reception center, that is, Californian management in youth affairs. From there you immediately You start fighting.

We We get off the bus. Um, people just... you know, they check me. That's what they are they ask. Where are you from? AND I just say, "Oh, "I'm watching." And they such as: "What?" And then they just me criticized. Boom. And I'm like: "What is happening? I I don't even know. Where is this guy from? We are fighting." And then they are returning in about two minutes. Boy like this: "Hey, you "I got into a fight, friend." As if I am his friend. You have fight with me.

"It is called to line up. So I I remember the first night, when I was there for the first time, for the first time in the evening. Yes. Yes. First day. And I like this: "Oh." "Therefore, they...It's called Ramla, which is in Spanish means car. And in in principle, if you Are you fighting with a friend? boy, you will have to fight with all his friends also. And I don't knew. And here I am, and, I think I fought with six to eight people on the first night.

AND I just asked: How old are they? They were around 12-13. It seems the oldest one I'm with fought, there were 16. He I was beaten badly, Of course. 12-16 years old. Inequalities, you know. Um, and then yes, you are you do. And then the next day I fought with four people. AND after that I thought : okay, he has respect. He will be fight. But then I saw people who didn't fight. And, unfortunately, they used. Is it Did people steal from them? then I saw how people raped, right?

So, um, you know, you you grow up in such a environment, and I think: Okay, I just had to... » experience it somewhere 2 years, right? And I remember , as he said to one from older friends, who was there. He was as if he had keys, that is, controlled that little one the click that we have there was, like the Asians, and he says, "Brother," and I I remember this clearly, he says: "Forget about your life. As soon as you get here, then It's all over.

You or get caught murder, or you, like, a little more they are captured because it is something from "does it for you?" I I remember how he did it. said, and it's true, because I saw how the correctional officers prison workers did such terrible things things. They they were harassing us one on one another and they called it school gladiators, where we fought with each other, um, and they were betting on us, you understand. Simply that was bad. How did that change it? I I remember that it's simple.

made me think, that someone me despises. They even I didn't need this. feel. If I just felt it or someone else felt You are running away. So that was it. very cruel. It seems that during these four years I fought with over 40 people, yes, and it was something like: "You Did they say something? What?" AND then you them break. Simply you can't go there talk. That's all. group sex. AND then new ones came people we called fish. They came, and we did the same thing.

Gay, Where are you from? Oh, you are the enemy. We won't say anything. We break them. Boom. We They started fighting. And this made me to perceive violence as a universal language, Yes? It's like you don't need to talk. You don't need to. just beat them, and then everyone you will praise. And then I felt what I feel, that fits in team, right? I am like this : “Wow. I could beat this guy." And people like: "Wow, that's it Johnny. He did it. He did it." And therefore I felt something strange, although it is a proud feeling, that I can do something similar.

And here I am got out of prison, hmm, you know, Californian case management young, and I remember, how I tried, you know, me conditionally- ahead of schedule released back to Mom's, um, home. Uh, my dad at the time I almost didn't visited. He just, you know, still drunk and engaged with their own affairs. My Mom, hmm, started to relate to Buddhism is much more serious. She took it seriously to Buddhism, but when I came, she was such as if relaxed, right? like: "Oh, there's karma, and put on your shoes Here and there, there is fun, and you know", and I'm like: " Okay." And I lasted 67 days, hmm, 2 months on a week, and in as a result I staged a shooting on the highway, and This time I'm 16, soon 17, and they, by In fact, they remembered again all my past.

They I was judged. Is this the same gang? And the group itself? The same area. Yes. So when you're in a gang, you most of the time time in it for everything life, right? So, That's how it is. Um, yes the gang itself. In the end, I staged a shooting , but this time it's not they told me. It was clearly me, similar to youth mentality , that is, the car was driving along the 60th freeway. And I I remember that they just stood together one, how to scatter gang cries.

It Mexicans. And in that time we fought again with these people. So I I remember seeing them, and then they looked on me. There was a car in the two guys and me kept on himself gun, and, um, me just stood on them in answer, and then I thought: "Dude, to damn it". And I just started shooting at them. Um, and then I ran away. Of course, it seems like this It was my dad's car. , which I rode. So, the warrant returned for address, and you know, they are mainly...

Do you think that these the boys in the car Did they call you? Uh, I don't...Like the police found out that these were you? I mean, I... that is, it was on highway, so I almost certain that someone else saw it. Yes. It was like ahead... So you moved. Yes. I shot at mobile transport means. So they I was accused of attempted murder, obviously, shooting in residential vehicle, shooting in public place. Yes. For all these people stood reason. All these things. And I just like this: "Holy "Oh my god." And then I threatened from 19 to lifelong companion accusation, and then 25 after another.

It just collapsed against me. Yes. And I like this: "Oh, okay." So Now I'm afraid, because, obviously I was busy teenage practice, but I heard various things about prison. Prison is like grown boys. And I I thought it was just I will return to teenage service. Maybe I can. endure it. You're still 16. 16. Yes. Soon 17. And they like: "No, we'll take you "we are trying him as an adult." Again, when I I heard it for the first time. like this: "Although I haven't yet adult".

But they such as: "We are judging you ". And at that time, at that era, I mean, this It should be, I think. Well, yes. This started to become correct, because it was just like that: "Yes, these boys are wild, that's why they know that do. It doesn't matter, Is theirs developed? frontal lobe or something such; it's just that "There is, isn't there?" And therefore, Um, yes, I'm being judged, I am being judged, I I get points, and they such as: "You are going to fourth level", this is maximum level security.

I am a child, child, right? And, um, this takes several months, of course, both I and when I get to prison, I'm 17, I I admit my guilt, essentially, uh, by two points accusations of attack from application deadly weapon. They give me 10 years. THERE ARE- Well, I have to serve 85% of my sentence. them. So I just served four, came out. Now I I am serving 10, in basically at least 8 years, depending on my behavior. Maybe I will. fool. Maybe me will be caught on another case, me I will fix it too.

I will restore life. imprisonment. I have on mind you, we just don't we know. Yes. And then I I get there and, um, I am being tied up. It completely different. IN the first day I I get there, I like this: "Oh, this guy, he's from this gang, which is our competitor gang. Okay, I I'm going to him. to pounce". A the guy who led me through prison, said, "That's a no-no." And I like this: "What? I'm "a young boy." A he says: "You guys, "You need to calm down." This is literally what he said.

He says: “In prison, it's race. In particular, in California it's a race against others races. All these gangster stuff are forgotten. Yes, you are. to your area and you represent, but you Don't fight each other. one. I'm like, "But he shot mine "cousin." As if it doesn't matter value. It's like this and everything that is politics. And this was the first time, when I found out that such politicking, in prison. This is like: no, even they are yours enemies. You must them support. And again anyway, this turned my world upside down upside down, right?

Yes? I am like this: me it was normal that my gang was against it everyone. This is cool. Me I like it. But now I have to be cool with these guys. And I was able to... So, during the first I'm not very good at two years. programmed well. I often went to school. All program, well, there is mean? Proning means that it means to follow program. Well, that is, what should you do follow the rules and provisions. I am not very good at this understood.

I still fought with his own cellmates, and this means that yes It is impossible to do. Me, apparently, disciplined. It is called discipline for young people, when if you Will you do something with yours? cellmate or you will behave unusual, these guys You will be beaten. Me I was often beaten because I was just a fool. AND this is probably training, probably the rhythm of life that you learned from youth service, now transferred to prison. Yes. And they knew that they are like: "You a young child, or right?" And I'm like, "Yeah ".

And they're like: "You have calm down. You are here. "You're going to die." And I think, You probably know, it seems like it's less cruelly, but more murderously. Yes. IN prison. Yes. Yes. Yes. This is beautiful. way of saying. It it was definitely less cruelly, but more murderously. And when? it was violence, it was a race against races. So no friendly clashes, as we call it. That is, one-on-one combat one. It's like, "Hey, if you don't like me If you respect, then the whole race "is going to war." So I would saw the riots, Yes?

One guy did something. Hey, you came into my forbidden space. Came to my district, and then they will start to disrespect me, and then everyone will go to war: black people, Mexicans, whites, who together at will. Yes, this was crazier. But because of this too was this mutual level of respect when it was about you dangerous, and we dangerous. Like, let's play with by us. Yes. Yes. Tell me if this Sounds familiar. You do you exercise regularly? , you are quite good you eat, you Are you feeling well?

but you just some vibrations. Most people absolutely not have the idea that is happening inside their body. And that's why I collaborated with Function. Function gives you access to over 160 advanced laboratory tests, covering hormones, heart health, kidney function, and even detects early signals related to more than 50 species cancer. To understand this is in perspective, your typical annual a medical examination may check 20 markers. Function employs over 160. This huge. Best what you are testing twice a year, and that's it is in downtime information panel .

So, you track trends over time, make sure that moving in the right direction . And such a level testing usually costs thousands, but with function is 365 dollars per year. Just $1 a day to really know, what's happening inside your body. And now you you can get $25 discount, which will reduce the amount to 340 dollars. Get it exactly the same tests blood, which I use it, and save $25, having crossed over link in the description below or by going over at functionhealth.com/modernwisdom. This is functionhealth.com/modmwisdism.

What is real? status hierarchy in prison? Hmm, I mean that it depends, right? ? As a general population is that place , where are you going, and in You don't have a shirt. Now, the shirt is any very bad accusation, for example, rape, uh, accusations of corruption, denunciation, etc , refusal of learning, what does it mean prevention; It's like bottom of the bottom. GP is the top bottom, that is, members gangs, um, you know, extortionists, lonely shortstops, who whatever; they can to be on top just because that they are solid and strong, as we say.

But if, yes, if you you do things like crimes against women, you are considered the bottom. AT, and you can't even to be in general populations, uh, because they they will throw you out of the yard, and this means that if they learn and will check your documents, with what are the first few months to you I'll have to go, uh- uh, it's like a folder with paper. This is a C file, criminal file. You wear it on courtyards. This again yes, usually only California. Uh, they have another system.

That is wearing home tasks. Yes. And then those people, in which have keys, or representatives such as Mac representatives, representatives of the bloc, they open him and they say: "Okay "he can stay" . If you are not suitable, so you have this jacket, you will be thrown out. But at nine in ten cases employees correctional system know that they don't will allow someone to a random guy to get to general population, because it's like with sharks. IN you have something like guppies in an aquarium with sharks, right?

So they they will put you in SNY, for people with special needs , and sensitive, or PC, under guard. Hmm, but yes, I was in general population. They they call it main line. So on the main line there is other politics, but then PC, I don't know. I never been there, but they also have their own policy. Hmm, but in basically, yes, if you are a snitch if you worthless if you are, eh -eh, defected from the gang, if you, you know, did crimes against women or children, you definitely don't will you be with...

Do you know the word "nons"? Do you know what this is? " "Nos". So, this is something on like a British one slang word for pedophile, but this abbreviation, and it means "not on normal courtyard" exercise"(not on regular walks in the yard). Good. So, it's not that big of a deal. differs from this. Not ordinary exercise in the yard. Uh, they're being held. aside. What, uh, what behavior or behavior is forced to look like someone weak in prison? So, two things, uh, if you're from give up something.

So, when you are asked raise your hand, having meaning voluntarily to volunteer for knife wound, uh, because someone was there in general population, but turned out to be a snitch or accumulated debt for drugs, and then does something crazy and not returns it to you has to take care of these people. This is called cleaning the house, isn't that right? Uh, if they don't do that , then they are looking at you condescendingly. Second, if you are wrong you program, this part of this, but if you're sitting there and you know, um, you don't exercise, you are lazy , you don't work for program with people, You are not belligerent, hmm, you are not a man, you are not support yourself, you do not comply of your word, on you look down on, and again, people for they are expelling it.

Hmm, the last one, this is also religion. If you go there and become Christian, then no, No. No. Many people treat you like informer, that is, they will not be treated to you as a snitch, but you are at least a little bit kind of average equal. Why? Because it is considered weak. Hmm, you know, in You don't have a prison. mental diseases such as awareness. They consider mental disease as weakness. So in prison it all depends from bravado, right? ? Hey, I...I...I'm not crying. at night.

I am a gangster. AND so, um, they are, in essence , you know, if you you say, "Hey, I'm now Christian". You are not you can program, because if you are real Christian, you are not you can apply violence against people, isn't that right? So you don't You can sin, like that. they say. And so, yes, I I would have seen it. I would see, as people are counting down because they they say: "I don't want to to be part of programs. I would see other people and looked would look down on them, you know, transparently, when they would be like this, I would have seen, because, you know, for a long time time you saw how life changes people.

They moving from the craziest people to Christians, and they are rejected, like us we say. Just them not like that anymore. And they they do what they want it is necessary that get unlocking. They receive unlocking to to go to church to avoid days riots, and this is like: "Oh, I'm in church," Do you understand? So we looked at them and they said arrogantly that you are just women. As changing rapidly morality when Will they punish weakness? Very quickly. Quickly, isn't that right? Um, people begin...I have to mind you, I will share this story, it pretty wild, but I I remember one.

the guy, his very respected. Um, him put forward some accusation, for example, in theft . And again, in prison theft is is also prohibited. You You steal from the poor. To everyone hard. Why steal? So they said that he steals. And first no one believed it. But then another a guy who also was very convincingly, said: "He stole my things." AND Indeed, there was evidence. Um, so he didn't know that the evidence was that as if they had provided evidence, right? And I I remember how I passed by this the guy, and then mine friend said "hey "See what happens." And I like this: "Okay." And everyone shake his hand, and this other guy, You know, he's young.

It just fits. to the guy, and then approaches him with other seniors a guy who just works. He is like this mumble, right? And he says, “Hey, bro. Kind of a big guy. You you are like this such. He was really cool a guy. You know, the physique was then as if everyone was very excited, because "They are training." He says: "I bet that you are not now can you do 100 burpees. And the guy says: "What are you doing to me?" What do you say?

I will do it. right. You throw. I have a challenge. OK". And he starts them do. Boom. Boom. He performs burpees and his It's so hot, because it's too much. And he says, “Yes, yes. I bet you are you can't do it more". And he seems trying, right? AND then he gets up and takes a breath. And then the boy beats him with a knife. Boom. And beats him in the chest. And this is the first once I see that Someone leaked. So he accelerated heartbeat, to make sure that he will bleed faster.

Yes. So you see things like you're from They are just friends. You literally look like a friendly game, but that's all manipulation. 100%. And so when you you see things like this, it makes me think: I I don't trust anyone. You Don't tell me what to do. this and that. Are you going? Do something with me. Right. And therefore morale, yes, it is it happens that one minute they are fighting with you on the site and stab people for you, and the next one minutes they turn it against you.

And so it gave birth to such thinking that you you can't do it to anyone trust. Massive distrust. It doesn't matter. Yes. It doesn't matter who it is, you you can't do it to anyone trust. Yes. That's a huge difference. I think this is probably misconception civilians regarding violence in prisons, as far as it can be manipulative and insidious. Oh yes. Yes. This is very It's like a story. THERE ARE hundreds of such stories, where people just think about ways to hunt you, and in prisons are real yes: predator and prey, unfortunately, isn't it?

You or...I'm from an era when you either catch the body or you yourself become the body; here such a prison. You or you kill someone, or you don't know, and if you can program it hide a little behind by car. It's simple. normally. But there are times when your your your number call. That's right. and there is. You just don't. You know every prison. This is a little different, but I I can only speak for four yards in California. IN how many...hmm, in How many places have you been?

was? I was in three. Therefore, first you you get to county jail. Yes. But only in I have been to prisons. about four separate prisons. Yes. So I was in this. one stage. Yes. Right. Yes. So, the fourth level, and then what is happening is your points are decreasing. It points system. Than you are better Have a good time. behave, that's how the more your points, naturally, simply decrease, and then you are moving to third level. So, parole dismissal on third level. Um, but mostly, yes, when your scores are really high, you are in of the main type, if commit murder, extremely high, and you will go to fourth level, which is the maximum safety.

Um, this is just the top tops. So I I'm talking about the fourth. level, it is like this intensive. Third the level is not that high bad. Less riots. Um, exactly. There are fights. THERE ARE riots, that too madness, but not there, where is everything with weapons, or wrong? Fourth level is just knife wounds. There is no such thing as "hey, "Let's fight." This like: no, we'll take you we will slaughter. So, yes the story I told you told, happened on the fourth level. Hmm. Right.

So, yes. How long have you been spent on each? On What level were you at? What was the offer? Uh, so that was it. How many, four years? No, five years, fourth level, and then somewhere three, three of half a year, third level. Yes. IN which the most dangerous What situation did you find yourself in? Uh, probably during rebellion. Hmm, I remember, how we caught one, and I don't want to reveal. too many names, etc., but mainly this was due to debt for drugs, and then they are mainly said something on like, "Hey, Johnny, you know, you and that was it through some envy.

I immediately saw. Um, because when people find out that you are missing money home, and this means that you will you return home very, you know, you don't enough money, as if you will be home approximately in month, 2 months, 3 months, whatever, they start for you to be jealous, because if you there are them all day long, that is, they serving a life sentence imprisonment without right on parole release or life imprisonment. Some people think, "Oh , you think you are better than us? Well, I I will make you you will throw away your life, Yes?

"And so, um, this was exclusively based on this, and it was my fault. You know, I said someone I trusted, um, early, and I think he remembered when I was about to leave, and so he...LWP, life without him. And I I remember that he also decreased in points. AND in the end, you know, he thought of something like, "Hey, I have drug debt. We need get rid of it a guy. We must force to work on it him. It must be done. ", and he told me, and I like this: "Okay." And I wanted to say that I miss you.

places, but I'm like: "I I will look like... You don't want to be. [ __ ]. Yes, that's right. I am like this:" I will look like girl, right? "And I am like that." :"Okay, I'll take you." I understand. So what will happen? "Well, you can handle it. And I'm like, "Okay, cool ". That is, you started. So, I I remember this guy. , huge Samoan dude, Yes? Old big Uso. He and, um, his Dude, I'm like, "That's it." manipulation, but I like this: "I'm too old "deeply immersed." So he is like you, you guys together.

Okay, cool. Us six, one of them. He was cut down, that is, erm, like, drunk, right? And he was known for that was typing again debts, beat his own cellmates, but no one does anything to him didn't speak because he huge, right? Um, and, Oh, I remember how just walked up to him, asked how affairs? How are you doing? And I shook his hand, and I remember that out of all hit him hard on the face, and he just came up and looked on me. I'm like, "Wow." And then he leaned back, and everyone on it attacked.

And I I remember that this the guy was like that super strong because we he was trampled, he had there was blood in the mouth, and he laughed. He like this: "Oh, guys, stop." He such. And we just thought: "Damn, this the guy took six of us. We all they still couldn't completely get rid of, but then they came " printers", and "OK", pepper spray, gas and all that, but, well, I, well , you know, things like that, where it was very sticky, because I am again figured it out.

I could, you know, catch accusations of violence, it would be for me, removal, if they did it, if they, you know, uh, either report it or me caught on hot, uh, they would I was expelled. I would received at least from 25 to life imprisonment for this one incident. Yes. Yes. Just this because the court, even in prisons, where many people are being caught for life, sits in prisons because they think: "Well, I'm already in prison, you can't. No, in prison you can refute accusation". Uh, people...I met many people there within 5 years in a row, and them they call, and they they go, they strike with a knife and eventually They kill the boy.

Their They catch you for it. and now they went from five years for life, or wrong? Simply California is like that, especially this one. What if you refuse? Um, then you'll get fired. Um, then you will be slaughtered. Then what will happen to them, It will happen to you too. AND so for me it was it is very difficult to reconcile with the fact that it's something on like: cursed, if you refuse, damned if you don't. You must choose. the lesser of two evils, Do you understand?

And, um, yes, it was rather very sadistically in in many ways , but also this caused me feeling of adrenaline, like: oh, I can to prove that I can. Yes, they me use, but I I can, I can do that too. make. Sounds intoxicating. The respect you have you get, it sounds intoxicating. 100%. 100%. Yes. This is almost as addiction itself itself. Yes. Some people, whom I know there, still they say that they just lift hand, because it's like you, you They will be praised for this.

Oh, that guy is did. Oh, him. was in pit. Wow, this guy did it. You him Have you seen? And this spreads like forest fire. The feeling is this: Yes. Gangs create feeling accessories for some men better than society. This is a 100% bar. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. What do you think? Eh, from What was the hardest? get rid of after prison? The hardest was to get rid of that that you have your own back and that you are like the master of your fate. In prison You are learning.

Yes, you close, but there is this confidence, as if I got out. And that's why there is this heart, what can I do to do whatever I want, because I was the lowest of the the lowest. So in This is pride. And this again intoxicating pride, and she just feels very high-best way to explain this. So I had to get rid of this. Me had to get rid of criminal thinking, which consisted in the fact that to say: how am I? take advantage of this a person?

So manipulative thinking was for very difficult for me assimilation, because it is ingrained in me . You, right? Okay, I hungry, so what will I do? to jostle? Okay, I I'll take this, and this one The guy will give me these. brands, and then these I will exchange stamps for this one. person, and I know that to this person now need money. So it's like everything ecosystem. This is a vulnerability that brings flight. Yes. And that's why I think that The hardest thing was that people came to me, like my friends, and I noticed patterns.

AT, It's hard for him at night, and he wants to use cocaine at these hours. As if I don't even pay. attention. It's simple. came to me, Yes? So, I think that, um, wean manipulation, it was definitely difficult . Anger, uh, what? fluctuates from zero to 100 and then back to zero, was difficult. It like every little one a sign of disrespect, anger, which one do you just take there. How fast could you to fall asleep after like something like that happened? Is it yours? the head touched pillows, and you could Is it okay to sleep?

Uh, That's when I felt it. yourself broken: this it was when I did something similar knife wound in prison, and then I was proud of it, and then just thought: "Damn "Is something wrong?" And there is such a small voice yes, like: "Something's wrong yes", "but I would, I would wanted to drown it out, because I'm like, "No, no, no, no, I'm good," as if they deserved... "And I I would, uh, try, probably to calm down yourself, but also to defend it: "No, they understand, they they did it, they didn't "should have been." " to rationalize, yes, and it was also very difficult than responsibility, or wrong?

It's like you... I... I remember how the beginning my friends they told me this and that there were other gang members who did the same thing. So you know, this is bad, when they say:" Brother, you are a manipulator. ". I say: "You manipulator ", calling me manipulator. Right? So I I just remember how they said: "You you are never wrong ", and they said:" This will be a constant joke. Brother, never is mistaken. Even don't talk to him, brother, never is wrong. "What are you "What do you mean?" Come on.

let's get up, and then "We will fight." You know , like: "You see, Do you understand what I'm saying? "AND then just like: "You [ __ ]. "And then they just like: "And they just knew that he such. He just spent too long in prison, and he just thinks that the whole the time is right, and he "crazy". A small note: you, You probably heard me previously spoke about" Element ". and this is because, that I started every morning all the same during the last 5 years, that is, from glasses of cold water from Element.

Element is electrolyte drink, mixed with everything necessary and nothing unnecessary. This is scientific justified correlation sodium electrolytes, potassium and magnesium. Without sugar, no colorings, without artificial ingredients. He reduces muscle cramps and fatigue, supports the function brain and helps regulate appetite during the day. I I really notice. the difference when I I accept, and when not I accept, so I don't I'll keep quiet about it, but also because of him everyone uses, from Dr. Andrew Humana to Olympic athletes and sniper teams FBI, good ones sniper teams, and not bad ones.

Except that they have return policy without unnecessary funds questions. So, if you for some reason not they will like it just return it to you money. In addition, they offer free shipping across the USA. Now you you can get free trial package most popular Element flavors with your first purchase, having crossed over link in the description below, by going to by reference drinklnt.com/modernwisdom. It drinklnt.com/modernwisdom. It seems that Brotherhood requires the enemy in this way, like you guys, linked together, interconnected the tribal spirit of that, that this is not true.

Yes. Yes. 100%. Yes, it is. indeed, because There are times, interestingly, Why do you say that, because I I remember there were times, when we didn't have enemy. As if everyone was our enemies, and then people were imprisoned, and then we're like have led to the fact that many gangs broke up, and then we started to quarrel with each other. We take it literally. called a "set" tripped. We hated each other one. A set of trips. Set tripped. Sets. So" set of trips "means that you are from the set, you are from set.

So my gang works like an umbrella, Yes? This is how to imagine Bank of America, but there is a branch in Austin and a branch in California, right? So, we are all, in essence, Bank of America, but we trip ...one on one. And, um yes, that was it too really crazy. But yeah, um, I wonder what you That's what you say. Yes, I think you are. Do you understand what it was? what, um, men destroy others under time of war and myself in peacetime. And this is something like that concerns brotherhood, what, hey, if we have more nobody with anyone to fight, me need to fight with someone, but outside There is no one there, so I I will start fighting with by someone from the inside.

That's good, dude. Yes, This is interesting. Yes. What there was integration after returning? For you did it, except 67 days. Yes. 12 13 years old. 12 and a half 13 years old in a row. Yes. It was difficult. Um, I remember how simple it was. forgot many things, which I had to to study. I have on mind, uh, it taught me me structures. I I think it was one. from the advantages when I returned home and just finished bed, you know, it was good. Um, I was a little very productive, as Wouldn't it be strange?

sounded. But I...I knew that I am broken. Uh, this one one incident, this It was about a couple of years ago. months after that, How did I get out? Um, I finally decided that Okay, I'll digress a bit. home. I am going to investigate, because when you go to prison , there are things that you can't You want to be close. You You don't want to be around. with too many people. IN you have this social anxiety, because you know that in you almost claustrophobia. It's the same feeling.

claustrophobia, but outdoors, if that makes sense. As if it's better to just be on loneliness. And that's why I felt it firsthand. You didn't like it. to be close to too many people when Did you go out? Yes. Because I watched with their every move. I saw how people crossing the road in front of you. For example, when you You talk, and someone walks by, This is very disrespectful, isn't it? wrong? And you should to say: "Excuse me." "IN prisons, for example, when I walk by someone,” —sorry.

— "This is very respectful, because there is a mutual violence. Well, in This doesn't happen in the world. Someone can attack you. come across, and you you just say, "Hey, what's up?" "What the hell?"—"And then they just leave further, right? So I am like this: "Okay, let me I should avoid this. because I know that I I will take the case and "I'm going crazy." So, finally, I I come out and say: " Okay, I need it. to go buy something, products, whatever ". I go to Walmart and I remember that I It just blew away because I like this: "Hey, can I buy tires, and then, I don't know, I eat, and this all in one, right?

""I also impressed. Being British, no...We not necessarily to like...Yes. Yes. Yes. Of course. Of course. I am making an analogy. while you British, and because you get to prison. But I, you know, I I come there and I remember seeing a correctional colony or security guard, excuse me. And I like this: "Hey, you can take me to toilet? And he looks at me and says: "Yes, the code is like this: you have to go all the way back on the right, the code is like this.

And I'm like, "Yeah, but "Can you take me away?" "And then I realized that I am free, but I am not was free here, because in prisons saw a guy in form. Yes. And that's what they are must do, especially at a distance four yards, that's what that they are not just take with them in toilet. You could engage in smuggling. They They are taking you there. Um, and you have to come back, you know, and they are watching you . So it's like you taught how Pavlovsky, see a man in uniform, who needs toilet, ask a man in uniform take me to toilet.

Yes. And that's when he saw me and said something like: "Yes, "The code is like this." And I replied: "But you "You have to take me away." And then I was absolutely serious, as if with a chill. AND he just said, "Oh, we don't do that. I I do not suggest such a thing. services". Yes. And I thought, "Oh, Wait". So I just got the code, and He replied: "Yes, "Just go too." AND then I left, and I I remember how I goosebumps, like: "What the hell?" It amazingly.

"This is how it is to be child. Yes. This is how it is...This is how it is a child and not knowing what I have to raise my hand. air. Me needed permission to do it. Yes. And then my friends who were also sitting in prisons, came, and my light is still on it burned somewhere after 9:00 PM, 10:00 p.m. And they just They said: "Brother, "Turn off the light, brother." . And again, in they are in prison automatically it turn off. So there are such little things like this, where light...Yes.

I am not realized. I thought: "Oh, oh, this truth". And that's why, you know , I think that's when I really thought: " Dude, I I didn't feel like it. locked, but, "probably so." "It so delayed development from 12 to damned 25. Yes. Yes. It's so formative. It's more formative. If you were from scratch to 13, that would probably be less formative than with 12 to 25. That makes sense, you know. Yes. Truth. Yes. Madness. Yes. OK. So, returning to the real world. What Are you doing?

So, uh, I want some to go back. To this, of course, I you know, the only one religion that truly respected in prison, was Islam. AND so I remember how saw a guy, hmm, he was my first mentor, I would said. I know, mine a gang as big as I had, I have had many friends, who were in prison. So, when I talked to them, I I knew them, you know, I heard them. stories about them and actually talked to them. But I never have was real a mentor, on whom I was equal, wasn't I?

I looked up to them because they were gangsters, but I knew..." that they were nothing could not me help. I remember How did you meet this? a guy. He was, well, you know, Muslim, a guy from the Middle East East. He ran with others, it is ours the car, our group, and, well, it's very respected that I It seemed strange. Good , he is religious, he prays, comes Ramadan, he has special diet, brothers , behaves very respectfully, is training, you know, all that. And I remember, well, you know, he just very respectfully treated me.

He knew about my story. You know, China has 5,000- annual history. You Chinese, right? You Northern Chinese. You higher. You know, I just like this: "What the devil? "This guy gives "I have a history lesson." I like this: "Oh, that's right." AND he just knew. He was just a boy, which is easy communicates, right? AND He's like, "Yeah, bro. Like, you have bra". I I remember how he said: "You have brain". "And I am like this:" Good. "And he is like this: " You need this.

use, "brother." "You see, What am I talking about? And I like this: "Yes." "He like this: "With all Sincerely, you know, I just letting you know you". "And he is like this: " You should sell. with me." "And I am like this: " Okay, because you can. to make requests to to live with certain people ". "And I had problem with one of my Vietnamese friends, my cellmate on that time. So I'm like: " Yes, how many people are there Basel?" "Uh, two." Yes. So I, you know, moved to him.

AND yes, here is a miracle, he started a little convert me to your opinion. But this It was very good. I I felt, it seems, for the first time a little bit of a goal, because he's like, "Yo, come on Get up, brother. Sai, Come on, get up. Come on. "Let's practice, man." And I'm like, "Cool." "AND he challenged me . He pushed me. And, um, I was in in the best shape of his life on that time. And he is like: "You "It's worth reading." "This, and he brought me , I remember it was something like " The Art of War, hmm, with, um, General Sun Tzu , and he's like: "These are yours people, brother.

You should "Read this." "Well, you I used to do this, Dude? Buddhism too amazing, but...and he starts talking about Islam, and it is like this : "We are a religion of peace," and you know, and I'm all learned from this, and my whole family comes from this bloodline and from these people." And I am like this: "Steeply". "I'm like, 'Is can I be a Muslim?" "A he's like, "Yes, 100%. "I'm like, 'What do you think? The friends will be heard. somehow differently? ""I have people's attention courtyards, which are as follows: " No, no, they are us.

"respect." "The only one" thing worth having to do, to be Christian, brother. And he said this, you know. , he is like: "And this is not disrespectful to them, but it's just very hypocritically. So if you do it, you have to be 100% committed this." "And I think, that's why he explained this, that's why people respect Islam. When we do this, we we pray five times per day. We treat seriously, because everything else is haram or sin, you understand? And I like this: "Cool, I'm "I will do it." So Islam perceived as tougher, more disciplined religion on 100% because Christianity, I think there is...I have was, uh, Sam Harris on show a few years ago , and he gave such a description I never could forget.

He says, that Islam is a religion afternoon tea. That's right. It's like a religion. with a high level testosterone. While Christianity in in many ways —this is substitution the other cheek. It's about about forgiveness. It's about about mercy towards neighbor, etc. Yes. So I can imagine prison for myself an environment where respect and the government really are respected. Islam would be suitable much more, I I mean, maybe even lower than Christians, perhaps, Buddhists, because they are all for peace. Um, truth. Yes. This is madness. OK.

So you starting a little think more about..." theology. Yes. So I started, you know, learn from him, and he was so open, which, you know, real Muslim too reads the Bible. And me too It was interesting. So he started teaching again me to everything. These are books before that. We were scooping inspiration from Moses and all that, and we we call this guy stunning. Yes, he really was. cool, to be honest. And he, you know, eventually converted me, and we just during a good two or three years were 100% ingrained Muslim- Sunni, and, you know, I studied all this.

However, there is one thing that I began to realize, it's that there were some things that contradicted, for example, their teachings that contradicted how we programmed on the site. So, I I think my first religion was group sex, obviously for me too it was simple mechanics. So I I'm sitting there thinking, "Well, there are certain things that contradict, for example, I am reading poems and I try ask him.""I I saw that it was bad, when I asked him, he took the defensive position on towards me, and it was the first time, when I saw this.

When I asked, he said something like : “Hey, with respect, you you don't know Arabic and you don't know, so don't "Ask me about it." AND he even said something like: "This is It's very disrespectful of you. You do this because I am for you as an imam, that is leader; you shouldn't to do this." And I like this: "But I thought, what should we bet question?" "And what kind of devil? And this forced I feel betrayed, which I have felt since I was young years.

Like, damn it, I finally found it. something like yours district. Nobody me not visiting now. So I felt myself betrayed. And then this guy did it , and I thought, "Hey, I I rely on you." And I I feel this again. betrayal. Yes. And, um, one thing that really strengthened me to to go, this is it again the same standing boy. I still respected him as a person. You know, he was very respected. He was like, "Yes, I "I'm leaving here." So, he was for life prisoner, but came out.

You know, he got a chance to parole release, and all such as: "Brother, we we know you will come out from there. You are well-mannered. You are smart. "What whatever. In six months he returns. And then I understand, damn it. Take it away, I'm done. I'm not even like that. disciplined, as brother. I am not like that. eloquent and smart like him. Not I think I'll survive. And I I remember that then I I was wondering if I should to make your own the last strike is here and just living here because I I don't know if I will survive.

there. This guy is not can survive there, and he fixes everything, wakes up every morning , disciplined, he studied, he has not even gangster mentality, nothing like this, what the hell? I, in fact, moved out. AND Well, you know, I thought about this, but, glory By God's grace, I was able to get out. And, um, I am going out and I'm trying to fly. directly, because I'm like: "I I don't want to go back. before that." "Hmm, I spent all his youth, in fact, and youth in prison.

What What should I do now? right? And I I am trying to act. directly, um, transparently. I like this: let go me and just apply for all. Home Depot, Walmart. But everything was wrong then openly, as it is now. So when you bet check the box, where it is written: "You are always have committed something crime?", then you must provide information and be frank. The first several times I lied because said: "Okay, I I'll check it out. I will say, that it was petty theft or something like that .

Right? But they, obviously, they are checking my data and found out that I committed violent acts crimes, and I not even Did they call back or something? like this. So during this time, I think I felt myself again very angry and disappointed. And then I thought, "Damn it, You know, I'll be back. to this life that I I know. "Began to contact sidekicks, to run, to exercise various things, and then supposedly earned 40–50 thousand per month, Yes? And, um, and, and, uh, you know, I earn these money.

I have it now. penthouse, you know, I buy certain things, and I I just live with it. gangster lifestyle, women , drugs and everything like this. Um, and yes, I am all I still feel this. emptiness and this the emptiness that felt in prison, but I think I'm her drove, or perhaps because of the fact that the environment was so chaotic that I didn't pay attention to it attention. But I have there was this again emptiness, and I am like this: "Okay, maybe I I need to earn more.

money. Maybe I have more drugs. Maybe I got them. ". And I just stepped up it. I went crazy from this to such an extent, almost overdosed. It It was madness. Still emptiness. AND, how I describe it, it was like a hole in my heart, that no matter what I do, no mine didn't matter productivity. I could would earn a lot more money than this month. This is not enough. value". It was as if at night my thoughts came and They were chasing me. One thought led to 10 thoughts, and then up to 50.

In I have this feeling, as if nothing happened happens outside. Everything is inside. I I feel this emptiness and this emptiness in the heart. It's like someone is coming. I feel sorry for you. I I can't even inhale and exhale. And then I just cried. I don't really I knew why. I said: "I am like this empty. What's wrong with me? Yes?" And then I tried with this fight. No, I man. I am not like that. I do. As if with me Everything is fine. I will get up.

I'll try again tomorrow. time. And then it was so constant, best to explain that it was like life on roller coaster . Happy when I was a little happy, but then sad, then happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad. AND then I felt very, very empty within. And, um, I I think that's when I decided to try to end one's life suicide, because thought: "Okay, I I will return from projects. I live on groceries. coupons from childhood. Finally came out. IN I had a dream that if I earn from 5 to 10 thousand per a month, then everything will be fine OK.

I earn 10 times, 5 times more than 10 times" . And I'm still not happy. Everyone around me want the same lifestyle, like me. Because when you get there to prison, that is ecosystem where is happening networking. So, when I'm leaving, I know that other people came out, and because we work under one program, we don't report. We reliable. We are starting to do business together. AND this is how they start to open these different income streams, isn't that right? Exclusively on based on your name in prison, you are good.

And so, you know, I I earn all this money. , and I just think: Why am I not happy? AND then during this time, you know, uh, one my friend, he is like this: " May he rest in peace. peace", but it is like this: "Yes, brother, we need get out of this game. I I think we need to to try to act fair". He spoke. about investing, and I like this: "What is all this?" "? You know, he's like this: " We can't do this.

make". You know, there is expiration date. AND I'm like, "Okay." He always was prudent, much smarter a person for me. Therefore, are gang members and bandits, right? He was a gang member, that is he really doesn't did the work. He was something like brain and your membership. A bandit is someone like me, who just comes out of games. I will do it. Yes. Just left the game, Yes? And we had perfect combination, because he was like a mind, and I'm like a bandit. So, we, We, you know, planned rob this, uh- well-known drug dealer, er, v our area, and he was something like multimillionaire, you know, Porsche, you know, Ferrari and all sorts of others things.

And so, uh, you know, I, I, I left there at night. We were planning to take, somewhere , 25 packs and more kilograms of cocaine, and we were just going to rob him, yes ? But we behaved like buyers. Like, oh yeah, we are interested, but we are going to him to sleep over. Uh, plan. was such that I had go to the right of cars, and the guy had go left. So I moved to the right. He eventually left. on the right with me, and I like this: "Okay." So, naturally, I just approached to the left, walked to the driver's side and said, "Hey, what's up?" "What about me?" Well, and then when I pulled out gun, I heard three shots in this direction, and I initially assumed, that this is my friend of his set it on fire, and I thought: "What the hell?" And then The guy seemed to have left, and then I felt the whistling of bullets, and then I I saw that my friend fell.

So we didn't know, What's wrong with this guy? there was a friend behind, just sitting there, just in case, if he is robbed. We didn't know that. We thought it was just he, because he was known for its strength. People respected him. They didn't rob. its. So he left. himself, but we're like, "No, "We will catch you." You know, but, um, he was ready. He, he was ready. And exactly then my friend died in me in your arms. And I I think that during At this time I felt blame for that survived because I had to die, right?

Ahem, if he hadn't come out in front of me, I would definitely I smoked and wouldn't be here. was. And so it is. happened. And then, you know, in a few days I get kite with prisons, that is secret letter and a note from me a friend who also grew up with me in these projects. Um, he did a lot of things with by me. This was also in gang. And he finally, you know, just writing this creepy note: "Hello, brother, I I miss you. See you when "See you again." Um, you know, I remember good times.

When are you Do you miss me? Look at the mountains. You know, they're so strange. things. And I am like that, and I am I find out that he hanged himself in prison. And then there's the guy, in which I was very in love. He was like my exact copy when I was 12. He was 15, 16. He finally, you know, falls under shooting from a car in car, and dies on at the scene of the incident. Therefore, for one and a half two weeks it is happened.

And in mine head, obviously, I thought: "Okay, this not only incredible, like I can't do it anymore to deal with this, but also I feel like death. hanging in the air." AND no matter how crazy it is was thinking about that you're in prison and all like this. I never did this. I didn't feel it. I knew that death approaching, but not felt that she Will come to me someday? at this moment. It felt like some energy chasing me, as if she circling around me. Yes, "as if you're going to die soon" .

Food industry full of additives products that claim that no can confirm, that's why I'm so big a fan of Momenus. Their co-founder Jeff Byers played in NFL and with my own eyes saw how much very likely differ in quality additives. So he created by Momenus on higher level. Everyone product from Menus uses confirmed evidence-based ingredients , transparent doses and independent third party testing. All NSF certified for sports, so what on label, actually what is in packaging. That's why Momentus use trust in all 32 NFL locker rooms.

Here why I have trusted for years them their own supplements. The best thing is that Momentus offers a 30-day money back guarantee money. So you can buy it and try for 29 days. If you don't they will like it they will refund your money. In addition, they carry out international delivery. Now you get up to 35% discount on your first subscription. And this 30 -day guarantee refund can be obtained, having crossed over link in the description below or by going over at livemus.com/modernwisdom and using code modernwisdom during design order.

This is l i v o m n o us.com/modernwisdom and modern wisdom during design order. Yes, it is. it was just bad. That was bad. AND again, I don't knew what to do, truth? I am like: okay , well, I guess I'll die. Well, whatever. I I'll just live my life the way I am. I want it because I don't have it. hopes. Um, and then in Mom broke down. the car, and it ended up in San Bernardino, in about an hour drive from that place, where we live and churches to which she goes.

And at this time, you know, My mother is from Korea. But by ethnicity she is of origin Chinese, so born in Korea, speaks Korean , Mandarin and in English. She owns three languages. Um, then she is arranged on work in the church, something like translators, right? Um, for pastors, and she calls me and says: "Johnny, my car broke. Can you? come and pick up me?" Do you understand? Um, Okay, cool. Where are you? San...Oh my God. Sano in about an hour ride. I guess you're there.

Are you doing? She's like, "Well, The car overheated. Um, it's hot here. Can you please just come and "Take me?" My brother in prison. He is currently serving his 14th -year term. My Dad, obviously, loser. Its just not on the list. He still drunk all the time. So I'm like, "Okay, just give me to help mom, you know , let me do this "for her as she should." In the end I went for with her, and I remember how on the way to church I said: "Mom, no invite me to this one churches.

I know how you are, Christians, you feel depressed. You guys love to convert people and to do all this nonsense." So I I remember telling her that I will not go. You traitors are still Do you consider yourself Muslim? No. No. I have already been traditionally Buddhist , but did not practice his faith, and was Just an atheist, right? I'm like something's here. yes, but I don't know, I It doesn't matter, you understand? It somehow like that. So I, well, you know, take her there, and then I remember how Mom opened the door, and then the smell of noodles from black beans, uh, got into the car, and this was my favorite food, brother.

This is something like Korean delicacy. It's like dry boiled noodles. Incredible. I I can smell it and I think, "Wow, this is fire." ". I forgot about it because my dad was a chef a cook. But one thing that he did what was really strange, and now I understand why, looking back, it's 2020, he beat me. And his way to apologize consisted of because he was cooking noodles for me black beans. AND so I have almost a connection was made with him because of this, as if he was beating me, but then it there were noodles of the most delicious quality.

And he was...he really good chef a chef, you know. Um, I I remember it being like brought back memories, but it was like that soothing. And here I am I see the pastor, and he just sees me, and he is also a little shocked, like: "Oh, devil". Like: "You Johnny? Who are you? Jay, he says, "You're James "Are you Johnny?" This is mine. older brother and me. And I like this: "Oh, I'm Johnny." He says, "Nice." to get acquainted. I Pastor Kim. You know, um, your mom, you know, me I'm so sorry.

Your mother traveled very far. Um, thanks for picking it up. its. You know, we let's help her with by car, if necessary. Everything is fine. Um, but yeah, you know, we cooked noodles from black beans, Johnny. And, um, I can put it in takeaway container, and then just send you away. And for some reason, because I really appreciated the respect. in Asian culture, um, you know, even in prisons, for example, if you eat, you don't You try to eat by yourself. You break down food like we say you collect all together, just You rest and eat.

So in this culture, and then in culture gang, this is deep rooted. I just felt a little disrespectful if just took food and was leaving. So I just said: " Yes, I'll come in and eat with "You guys." "AND then my mother, me I remember looking. at me like this: "What the devil? You just said, what are you not going to do to come in." "Pastor just said something like: "Oh, oh yes, yes, yes, you can to come in." Like, of course, no problem . Um, we all eat, but type: "Yes".

And then I I remember how he took me to the back rooms, and yes, he brought me noodles from black beans in bowls. Brought me these, hmm, something like that Daon. They were similar. on yellow daon. And when I ate them, they were so delicious. I thought: "Oh my God, this perfectly". And they again were handmade, home cooking, simple authentic." Hmm, ah then I sit down with him, and he starts betting I have these questions. He gave me these questions that initially I was annoyed because he says, "You are a sinner and do you know what that is sin?" "Really?

And I like this: "Here it is begins. "Therefore, I'm just telling the pastor. : “Hey, pastor, I was Muslim, I don't practice anymore. I believe and more I lean towards peace and Buddhism. Hmm, that's why I That's not what this is for. But, you know, with respect, I I know what sin is, and, Of course, I am a sinner. AND he just says, "Well, "What is this, right?" AND I'm like, "Well, it's you." you do evil things that are not there is, you know, according to By God.

And so, or Did I do bad things? Of course, I was in gang. And then he says: "It's not like this falsehood". And I am like this: "What?" And I remember how Catholics came to prisons. To them came, uh, Mormons, others Protestants. All explained sin as violation of the commandments, mistakes, go against God, and you must repent, right? "Sin and repentance." I knew that even though I wasn't believers, and this from him, he replied: " No, that's a question. identity." So, he immediately taught me, in fact, uh, you know, the origin original sin and what it represents identity.

And he used many analogies. He said something like : "You were born "Chinese." And I replied: "Yes." "You "Choose to be Chinese?" And I answered: "No." What, Damn it, this one the guy with him talking? He is now will become racist, you know. And he just asked: "If you eat a lot of chicken in orange color, will it make this makes you bigger Chinese? And I replied: "No." And he replied: "If you eat less chicken in orange color, fried rice and beans, or will it make you "less Chinese?" And I simply replied: " Brother, go to "Basically, you understand?" And he simply replied: "That "Why are you Chinese?" And I replied: "Why me?" "was he born like this?" AND he says, "That's right." He says: "With sin same.

Um, you you are born with it sin. Um, you are you trying to do good in your life. You can't. And this constant struggle above". And he says: " Do you know what this is? turns into emptiness. Result trying to do good, when imperfect the person is trying to achieve perfection . Then you constantly you will fail, and then when you you continue to suffer failures, you feel yourself empty. And this someone for the first time expressed to me what I felt in his heart. And I was just amazed because I felt at first cheeky, isn't it?

He tells me how to the gang member that I am, by essentially empty. I am not man. I can't...U I am not emotional. regulations, and, you know, maturity and EQ." And he says: "But then he says it's normal. What you feel, Johnny, this is normally". « Throughout my life, from my dad even to my mother, who called me monster, my dad said that I never I didn't want you, I beat you. me, they called me number for youth and CDC number, correctional California institutions. This is the first time he seems to humanized me, didn't you Yes?

He is like: "You normal, and you you will feel empty until you will understand what I mean to you I will tell you. And here he is then explains it, or wrong? That's why you need someone who will save you. You know, there is a man named Jesus, Yes? And I'm like: "I know. I heard about this. "A boy, right?" And he says: "Um, we we call it ours Lord and It is not easy to be a savior Yes. He is like this: "He owe you save".

And he used an analogy with a lifeguard, right? He is like this: "If you you are drowning and you know that you in the middle of the ocean, and no one around you no, you're just Can you do it? To die, right? "Hmm, but if the rescuer comes and pulls out you from the boat and lands you on the shore did not save himself. Saved you lifeguard. Same you are drowning in your own depression. You are drowning in to his past injury. You are drowning in your own loneliness, emptiness, anxiety, in everything.

You can't. get out of this. You you try, you have a little bit goes, but then you will experience failures, and it is Jesus has you out of this pull out And, probably, for the first time in my life everything just clicked. It made sense. No one I never do this. explained. I think that all other religions have always been like this: " Hey, you have to do this. make. There is a certain your level meeting with God, or right?" "Hmm, and again yes, for me it was everything is mechanical.

I I understood, oh my God, this truth. I focused on productivity. AND The problem is that I at the center of this. So, if I put productivity if I bet, you know, everything. depends on me the last one result, let's say, then yes, I will live like in American hills. Of course, I I fail. AND so for me it is It just didn't make sense. You know, he expressed it's so nice, easy learned, simple, but at the same time deep. And for the first time in my life I felt real hope for this person.

AND again, I don't knew him from the street, as homeless person He is Korean, low, neat clipped. Pay attention, he also speaks through a translator, because his English not even very good. So this random the guy on the side who just saying in English, and I like this: who the hell are you "Take it away?" You are with us. all matters, but he did not know English, Yes? And I'm like: okay, all this is happening, My mother is nearby. She starts emotionally respond. And he simply asks: Johnny, does that make sense?

? I'm like, "Yes, 100%." So what should I do? practically? I just thank you, Jesus, and all? All is being adjusted. I am not I understand. And he explained to me, you know, all these basic concepts, which I have never heard. And, the best I can do to say, this is what he first put There is a mirror in front of me, humanized me, said, that I am normal, and then said: "Here's what It's not like that with you. Here's how I will help you with these things." "So, he at that moment, I didn't realized, was a mentor for me.

Again, something, What I longed for parental figure; in I don't have anything like that. was. And, um, yes, he is started simply to instruct me because of these things, and, It seems we have been there for almost 2 hours, just talking like this. And in the end I felt something on like, "Oh God, I don't one, there is light at the end tunnel. I am now I just have to understand and listen to this a boy; he just understands me, what a wild thing, isn't that right?

And, um, he challenges me on that day, which, in my opinion, opinion, it was very boldly on this side boy, but I respected it because I thought: this guy not really normal person. He says: "How are you?" relationship with his father? And I'm like: "That's terrible." AND I know what will happen next, truth? You want to Did I forgive him? IN basically, this is what I said. And he is like this: "No, not necessarily." "He's like that," I just I want to show you some excerpts from Writing.

"And he showed me the Romans 7:15. Romans 7:20 in essence says that there are people, who do what they don't want to do . They want to be happy, they want to love, but then they become dependent. And they they do what they do don't want to do it. He says: "You, for example, ever thought, what do you want wake up and say: you know what? I I will be in today. depression. And I am like this: " No". "He's like: 'You, You probably hate it.

depression." "I am like this: " Yes". "And he says." AND yet you fall into depression. Why, on your opinion? "And I am like this: "I don't know". "And then he gives me verse 7:20. If I do what If I do, it's not me anymore. I do, but the sin that lives in me. And he explains this. Because, waking up, you you say: "I won't depressed today. I won't be like that. "today" is the same what to say: "I don't I will be there today. Asian or Chinese." And he says: "How are you?" Do you think it's possible?

"Is it impossible?" As if impossible. He says: " And it's also because you never studied, you never studied other system than this one, right? And he says: "If you are ready, I want to help you. with this, but there's one thing, What do you want from me? needed. And then he is talking about mine Dad, right? He says: " You must to apologize to "by his father." And I I say: "To hell with this." "I told him directly: " "To hell with this." "And he simply said: "This rightly.

It truth. Listen to me. . You know, listen to me. "He's leaving," I said. I understand. "And I am like this: " Where is the victim? "And I couldn't even to express one's words, because he was angry. Where the guy has to say, who is being beaten, you know? And he goes: "Yes, where The victim apologized. It truth. "He is leaving." But even though you are right, Johnny, you too. unhappy. "Um, if to be honest, you know, I was honest with you, so please be honest with me.

You ever watched to other families and looked at others people and thought: "Dude, if my dad were like this." And I said: " Of course". "I said: "But this ship ebb". "You know, this as protection, and, you know, I don't care anymore. If he dies, I I don't care. I'm going to him. visit. And he says, you know, like this the most right, like you, You are unhappy because of this. Um, you be the judge of everything. AND so he says, the reason why I say I apologize to you, is that I I believe in it, and he used an analogy, when two countries leave to war, they both fighting for what they believe that there is true, and that they believe correct.

AND during this time countries are collapsing, people are dying. None No peace, only chaos. He says: "However, your father, if that's the word, and you believe, concerns you, too applies to each human. You will agree. "? And I reluctantly said: "Yes, that's true." I could to see it. And he says: "Hmm, your father, probably also had something in yourself. And I don't I say that what he did, was okay, but he just humanized mine "dad." "And he says: " If you apologize, it's like that country that simply inferior.

Okay, fine. Take it. resource. Do everything, "What can you do?" "Then they restore everything, and at least it comes peace, and this is important, or wrong? And he says: you know, if you are I think you will do yours. Dad will restore relationship with you." So, I remember, Two thoughts arose, two thoughts: why me at all restore relationship with someone like this? But on the other hand damn it, this guy knows about speaking. He me somehow analyzes. He, obviously, great smart and eloquent. He to think differently equal.

If I don't listen, Brother, I guess I It will be difficult. He has antidote, and I just felt that I have to listen to him, and I have to try it, and this sounds very serious. Yes. And I really respected him because of this. And, um, again, I was shocked because just now met this guy. But, again, no one ever expressed nothing something like that. Deciphered you through an interpreter for two hours. Literally. Literally. And I'm like, "This is madness". "And now, you know, he says," I I don't know you.

"He says," but the Bible about you, and she about Jesus, and I know the Bible , so I am to some extent I know why you you pass. "Because I asked him: "Where did you come from?" Do you know these at all? things? So, quickly let's move forward, I met my dad, and that's because that I, in fact, became viral. But I, you know , met his dad. It was tense. I remember how I told him called, and the first thing he said: “Who is this?”—“And I am like this: "Brother, I am your son, and you don't even know my voice.

Because we are not we met somewhere around 12, 13, 14 years. And I'm like, "Yeah, "This is Johnny." And he says : "Uh, I don't have any." money." And I am like this: " I don't need yours. money." "Yes. And then I I remember how I was like that. got angry with him, but I guess I remembered what the pastor said, something like: " "Maybe it's not." "It happened right after that two-hour meetings. It was like this, in about a day. I had to do a little wait, but it was in about 24 hours.

AND Yes. And then I I remember how simple it was. called him and said: "Hello, dad. I want somewhere with to meet you. Hmm, let's meet here at Noodle City on Sixth Street in Alhambra, Restaurant F». And he's like: "Yes, yes, Everything is fine. We Let's meet. What do you want? necessary? We "Let's meet." "Therefore, I get there, and that's it. amazingly. I see mine. Dad. He already got old. He is a little stockier, Do you understand? And he the way I see it I see.

I sit down in front of him and first I feel disappointment and voltage. I remember what was that like feeling like I'm here? I feel stupid. AND if I say something, he won't react like that as I want, I probably will I will really kill him. AND then I'm like that, that's all OK. I'm sitting there, and he's like, "What are you talking about?" wanted to be with me speak?" And I am like this: "Dad, I'm sorry." "I I remember how simple it was. I was in a hurry, right?

Sorry. You know, I'm sorry that I was a bad son. I'm sorry that I joined a gang and ruined yours the American dream. I'm sorry that I didn't I was able to help you. And I remember how didn't even meet with with his gaze, just looked down. And I looked up, thinking that my dad will say: "Yes, you should "to apologize." And he finally looks at me, and I see how in his eyes begin to turn into tears. He starts crying and says, "You know, Johnny, I'm sorry.

I am very I've been waiting for this for a long time. you know, but you didn't know how to approach this. The reason why I don't went, uh, to visit you in prison, is that I felt that I created you in in a sense, you know, and he is, but I am not knew. I didn't know that. I have always considered myself Dad is a narcissist. Never "couldn't be wrong." He never said, that I love you, and never said that I'm sorry. So I I remember that simply cried.

This is me. shocked. And, um, yes, it seemed that these years The pain just disappeared. AND then I hugged him , which was madness. So this was the first time, when he said: "I I love you" and "I "sorry" in one sentence, and we just We made peace, you understand? And then I thought: " Damn, pastors have wisdom...like." I, I literally thought: " How does brother know this? type", and, I think, for I had this. enough to say: "Okay, it has to to be God. It should be...like It so happened that I went completely against what I thought and felt, and then "Did you survive this?" You know, um, and then he started teach me.

That This is surrender. You know, surrender— This is not what I think. Does this make sense, and then I will let go. Ahem, faith also has no to be as if it should make sense, and then I I will let you go. Right? AND Here he is for me. explained. Um, and then for many How old is he? raised. My dad I quit drinking. My dad also met that one pastor, too received salvation. Ahem, he is going to now churches. My dad was fierce, as if he was an agnostic.

As if he simply said: " If, if this God changed my son Johnny on this one, then There must be something, Do you understand? And, um, he, yes, he goes to church. This is funny; he always spoke badly about Christians: "Everything they I need it, it's yours. money, you understand? And this something crazy, but, Looking back, I I'm just very proud. him, yes. Jared, have you ever... ever thought that in you may be problems with alcohol? I I don't think so, Chris. you drank the whole thing Athletic packaging Brewing last night, but they non-alcoholic, and that's not a problem.

Sorry, dude. I continued to drink, waiting for me will be overcome by sorrow. But this is not true happened. Unless you didn't go home with that girl from lazy eye? It seemed to me that I was not lazy. You see, most people such as Jared, not really. want to change that what they drink They just they don't want to the next day was complete write-off. Here why am I so big Athletic Brewing fan Co. They do best North American beer on the planet. So you still can to taste something cold and delicious, only without the usual compromises.

You can find a ruler Athletic Brewing bestsellers Co. in grocery stores stores or stores alcoholic beverages next to you. Or the best option- get the full set of four flavors with delivery directly to your door. Get it 15% discount on your first online order, having crossed over link in the description below or by going to athleticbwing.com/modernwisdom, using code modernwisdom during design order. It athleticbwing.com/modern wisdom and modern wisdom during design order. They work Nearbeer terms and conditions . Atletic Brewing Company, for all times. What do you think?

what part of you did the most resistance to achieving peace? Oh, that's a good question. Hmm, I think that the part of me that doesn't completely dead, and What do I mean by that? this, is located on both sides of the cross, directly to Christianity and after Christianity, was this the thing I struggled with, as if I'm still holding on hands on the wheel, like me still the owner their fate in a certain meaning. It seems so, you can to have faith, but need to do steps and repetition.

And it was like that, again Yes, I was very productive as man, yes, and disciplined. So, I think this part was like this: if let it go, yeah, It seems peaceful, but then it was scary because I I think what I am with fought, this is control, isn't that right? That is, in order to have peace, I thought that need to have more control, right? So I thought I had anxiety and depression, because they were mine problems. What am I? I also learned that I realized, this is what in I have problems with control.

And I mean that when everything went well Johnny's plan, and I had control over this, then I could feel: "Oh, okay, I'm safe, "Isn't that true?" Even in I had prison. to control one's program, do that, what does he want? But just now I lost control, that's meant danger and fear, and then not peace. But Christian way of thinking like this: you are not you control. CONTROL comes from God, and you plan, boldly You give up every day, like us. we say. So that was it.

, which, in my opinion, was the hardest: I had to let go of yours thoughts, my own interpretations and your feelings and leave against what he says The Bible, or, excuse me, accept what he says The Bible, that is you you can't do anything make. He must to do everything. This Part of me was scared. But this is what, as they They said they would give it to me. peace. So it was internal battle. You hear the word "passivity", which comes to mind, or this fear of passivity.

I think that's what it's about. What I spoke to many friends. One of the most valuable rice, which I have in everything I have life, is freedom of will, right? My ability to happen in life, not that it happened to me. And I see surrender, giving up control, faith, dedication a higher power. Yes, if you are that kind of person, who created herself herself, has an independent force, is sovereign, a combination of these two worlds together are complicated. Very complicated. Who else will do this? Yes.

Yes. You tell me that I I just have to love. hope. This is because the boundary between transfer of control faith and surrender, refusal from effort. Yes, she very thin Yes, very, very thin. And, um, I can't. remember who it is. THERE ARE the limit that I like, this: "God will steer the boat, but you don't care "will have to row." Yes. Yes. Yes. And this idea of ​​"okay, the direction can be something that guides, if you are a person of faith, but the effort is still there must be present.

Of course. Right". Or are you just lying in bed, You want, you believe, but you don't you reach. 100%. I think this, you know, I instruct many. people, and they they ask me that Exactly, right? As Should I give up? You know, It's not easy. careless, relaxed and unmotivated, or not Yes? Because many people motivated, but then , you know how I explain people, yes, need boldly plan. The Bible even says us that someone is sitting folded his arms and plans to build, he builds house without planning and without drawing.

Right? So I think people wrong understand Christianity, where you just need to let go completely CONTROL. You are nothing. You don't. No, you do. everything with my heart, God, I I hope that the result will be like this. If this matches because of what you want, you will make it so happened. And then this simply passes it on to Him glory. That's it. understanding forced let me go control in such a way that which I'm still working on I work every day. I still am I get up at 4 in the morning.

daily. For these three we released three days individual podcasts. We we do "come back and from above". I mean, if I had one like that mood: "Yes, I am I'll just pray, but then it will come to me". That's not true It works, doesn't it? But The Bible, again, this is wrong people's ideas, where supposedly necessary to do nothing, or wrong? And no, you're welcome. it will be necessary to work, but the result in His hands. This is an idea grace when you you say, "Hey, God, it's me I will put in all my work.

if you want bless this," and we we are rebuilding from You. Come on. If not, so give me strength to rebuild. How to distinguish God, who speaks to you and leads you, and your own internal monologue? Yes. Because it's been a very long time your intuition told you: " Yes. Yes. Shoot from a car. Yes. Or hit the to someone who doesn't it was necessary. For all 100%. 100%. How do you know that like this, uh, God? Impulsiveness. Yes. Yes. And a word, to which one do you need listen.

Yes. So for me it is again, not so. I I think that in modern many religions emotions when it comes to about the Gospel. However, The main thing is the word. So I found out that read the Bible from beginning to end 27 times. This is not vileness. My pastor taught me that you must always to address the word. So, when you do something you are looking for, it can't come from within you, because yours standards can to change. Yours feelings and emotions may change. Your voices in your head.

You can to be locked in one day. It can to change. This is very unstable. So yours work—apply to the word or servants who know the word. Right? So if I I always do something. what the word says about this? What can I do? actively seek and ask? And, obviously, when you only you start, you don't Do you know the words like this? in a way. So this is very it's like how you all are You're still behaving yourself. But I realized that if something is wrong corresponds to the word God's and does not indicate God somehow, in any form or form, it is It will not be from God, no matter how pleasant they were not.

And I I think this is a problem. many modern Christians–this is an idea emotionality, right? Yes? It's like I will definitely follow. myself, I thought that I will die from my district, and this forced shoot me and think: "Well, I did this is for my own friends. I defend them. We can twist it like whatever, because it subjectively and relatively. Ahem, absolute for me there was a word. It completely contradicted my thoughts and my feelings. Literally It is said in the Bible: "My thoughts are not yours thoughts.

My path is not your way. So Get to know me. Have "I mean this word." Hmm when I started reading this is five times from from beginning to end, you know, from the beginning to the end, I started understand. Oh, that's it, what would God want so. So, when you move it in this direction, it's not you anymore , Johnny. What are you Do you think? I think that the problem of many people, apart from religion, is that I judge. And again, I can be a judge, if all goes well, but what if I'm disabled ?

What if I'm broken? What if I'm empty? Then what I produce will probably also be this, right? So, hmm, yes, I had to a lot to forget and I can't really. keep an eye on this. You know, obviously, in we have practical thoughts . Am I hungry? Or Should I do this? Right? But I say, what if something it happens, it has to be as it was when appears opportunity, I think, What does the Holy Scripture say about this? Writing? What would God Have you thought about it?

Right? At least, you are rebuilding this fundamentally and not what you're thinking: "Oh, yes, I want this deal, because I want her." And then trying to submit to God's will, to, you know, do this, right? So, um, I I think that's the difference. between what I believe in and to those who say, "Well, God told me." Good, God told you, but in Hebrews 4:12 says that recognition comes from the word. So, God told you. Where is the passage from Scripture, which confirms that What did he tell you?

AND this is the center line. So many people, about which God told me, that he put it in mine heart. I downloaded it. Okay, great. That, What am I looking for after? this, this is what says the Scripture. AND Holy Spirit, his called a spirit truth, will lead you back to the word. It says, right? So you can't just say: " The Holy Spirit said "I want to buy a Ferrari." AND it's something like: " Of course, but where is it? a passage of Scripture, who would confirm this ", isn't it?" Um, and if they can do it confirm, and Scripture always points to Jesus, John 5:39, this is how we we know, oh, it's a voice God.

This is how God speaks to us. Have you ever felt... something that is becoming you become a Christian weak? 100%. For a while, independent, agentive, I I am going to do that. What's going on? Then you fall into prison, do you believe in religion afternoon tea party, right? Islam. And here you are, you know, within 24 hours You forgive your father. You are substituting another. cheek. You are crying. He crying. This is not true. There is big gap between the person you were, and the person who you are becoming now.

Yes. Yes. I think that Yes. Hmm, until I I realized that my weakness filter and The force was distorted. I think it took a lot of time. I have on I mean, honestly, I I know what that sounds like. crazy, but when I was in a gang, pull the trigger and to do such things was easy enough for me , because for me it is was something like:" Brother, this is a chance for You shine, right? " People will be in love. you, when you do it you will do it.

They They will love you for it. Hmm, when are you? Christian and you substitute another cheek, it's something on like "okay", that's of a kind performance in in many ways , at least for me. So, I understood, you know what to be was a Christian much harder. THERE ARE, you know, and I constantly I'm saying this. It's like mine. There were six gangs. other gangs that were against us. We had green light against Mexicans. Um, and, You know, no one knows us. loved. We were EBK.

It means "killer of all" . We weren't with anyone. cool. How so? It happened to me. attack more, when I am a Christian, than when I was in the gang ? Nobody cared, What am I saying? Nobody made a video about me then. Um, you know, this just shows that, uh- uh, this is a weakness in, in in a sense, of course , like bravado, high-tech, you know, hi-tech and testosterone. But Ultimately, I think that this is actually true: it takes a lot of strength, to say: "I want deal with it the easy way, that is violence, in order to understand why I am with you.

talk? I just spanked you to death", or, um, or I should say: " Maybe they are wrong, but Let me, like, listen to them, let me I, like, be a person, rationalize people and conduct dialogue" . Hmm, I think that's it. it was very, very difficult, but as soon as I do it I understand, it happened. It's like a force. Yes. On the list of things you did in their life, as far as high in the ranking The conversation is terrifying. with your father? Oh, that was it.

One of those who were close to returning to prisons preach. So they walk side by side shoulder So I would say, that it's just one or two, You know, it's simple. varies depending from the mood. But that's what it is my opinion is that, um, bravado is how looks real power? What does it look like? real fearlessness? Yes. It's amazing how this is possible, that someone can to run 100 ultramarathon miles and not having a difficult conversation with your partner? Do you know where you are?

apply your the muscles I do, when I do hard things . You know, people often ready to get up at 4 o'clock in the morning, jump from ice, run and to follow a diet, but they can't tell parents that last week with them something happened, or are afraid to confess to his friend about How are they doing? psychologically. You Are you doing well, well, that's not true...i'm not saying that What to do when jumping off the ice while running at 4 o'clock It's not hard in the morning.

It hard. But it seems it is obvious that there are certain areas of your life, Where are you ready to be? strong. There are others. areas where, if we measured, you would be a little weak. Yes. Yes. Yes. 100%. And I I think I just want to add to this. I have meaning to be weak–this is what, from what about me too had to forget, or wrong? It's like weakness for you, again, even this is in many ways subjective, right? ? So I had to to learn, yes, to be weak for oneself doesn't actually mean that you are weak.

Simply you are not achieving this, and you had to forget a lot of things, you know. So, um, yeah, but I also think that, like yours thoughts, people, at least for me, this was also pride. Um, I think, that it was pride in because I can't to show weakness, being vulnerable because no one ever taught me, what to be Vulnerability is strength, isn't that right? So, um, yeah, and it was hard for me, but I think that after I just saw this, something like cycling, you do this several times times, and just you start to get used to it.

I I also remember that suppression is not that exactly what strength is. Suppression differs from strength. And I think that a lot of what people do what they do called force, is not by force. This is submission. This is, uh, sublimation. that they feel something other. Hmm, but that's not it. suppression. This is not it. exactly what strength is. Yes, I agree. Bars. Yes. What did you learn about forgiveness? Hmm, I found out that forgiveness is usually not for another person, and for you. I think that when do you forgive someone, many people have this wrong idea, at least I I thought it was something like, "Hey, I I will forgive this person because she does this deserves ".

And I I think that's why they It's hard to forgive, right? wrong? Because you are not forgive someone who doesn't deserve this. It's just natural. Hmm, I understand that. to forgive someone is how to get rid of yourself shackles and just to make a decision: "I I will never allow this. to control people or partially influence on my emotions or on my life, you know." So, I think that the hardest thing I learned from forgiveness, was at the same time and the most beautiful, this that it's not for them, but for you really it is important to move forward.

The second thing I also learned, this what has become easier, when I was able to think and outside of oneself. Right? It's like stick with two ends. Yes, of course, you have to to think about yourself, because You know this is important. But you also have to to be mature, perhaps to get out of yourself and to go where I was in this condition? So, you know, I'll show you example, how, for example, when this it concerned me father, and I saw, that he betrayed me.

He promised us, you know, things when we were children. I I remember that he didn't was always bad. There were certain moments, when he tried, for example, said that will take us to Universal or Disneyland, and then didn't do it, because I got drunk, and I felt this betrayal. THERE ARE, how could I have thought that everything is fine, except people who like me dirty, how much times I cheated other people, and then how many times have I I cheated, okay, forget about others people. How many times Did I betray God?

Right? I am sitting. there I tell myself how Jesus, I'm going to do this. to do and then not I'm doing this. Um, you know. , I'm going, I'm going to stop this is for you, and I don't I stop. Then I I could think: wow, the fact that my dad still breathing, that fact , that he, you know, and other people who like me dirty, still alive, is proof that there is mercy. Because if God had to destroy, um, this person or make If I scold her, then I would also have to to reproach, because I did the same.

We all are the same. Um, that's why I I think that's it for me. just made me, you know, yeah, think about it about myself, but then also think outside the box yourself and think: God, how many times have I Did he dirty you? As many, many times. And I continue. It just a part of us broken nature. AND anyway, you don't I like it when lightning will strike me. You don't want to You know, you love me very much. me, so that I would still be.

You give me opportunities and You bless me. AND yes, that's also small make me think not only about yourself. AND I think that's very a difficult thing that I I see with many people. Yes. Is it harder to forgive? yourself or your dad? It was harder to forgive himself. I would say that's why that I, like my dad, realized that he survived an injury at 19 years old, hit someone and took this life the guy, you know, him father was alcoholic and beat its. As if it were easier go, okay, I understand .

You know, I'm like that. very. We were literally like two water drops. The hardest was what was moments when I knew What am I doing wrong? and still did it. Mhm. Mhm. I think it was very difficult. Consciousness. Yes. Yes. Yes. It was as if I lied, you know, and one thing that I think I saw in all convicts, I was in many in prison for their life, and even now I visit them, that's what no one talks about their crimes. Real people who really did dirt, don't talk about this.

Hmm, and I understand. that this is because this causes so much shame and guilt, or wrong? Because when you do something like that and you brag about it, I have I mean, you see. rappers and other things, This is cool. This is theirs. person. But I saw real convicts , which look like absolutely wonderful, how smart prison guards lawyers, and they look like They are not flies. will be offended. And when you you hear that they are a little reveal that they done, you say: " Dude, you're a monster.

You killed five people." What the hell? It's like madness. Um, so I I see a lot in this. guilt and many shame, and we don't want ...we just don't want to ...you wouldn't want to to rethink or to talk about such things. So, considering this, this is very difficult, because the condemnation comes,

Go deeper

• All Modern Wisdom episode guides