EMILIE KISER EXCLUSIVE: The Loss That Changed Her Forever
When going through grief or any major loss, stop defining days as 'good' or 'bad.' Instead, use two scales: your grief level (1-10) and your ability to manage it (1-10). If your grief is an 8 but your management is a 10, that's progress. This reframe acknowledges the pain while celebrating your resi
1h 3mKey Takeaway
When going through grief or any major loss, stop defining days as 'good' or 'bad.' Instead, use two scales: your grief level (1-10) and your ability to manage it (1-10). If your grief is an 8 but your management is a 10, that's progress. This reframe acknowledges the pain while celebrating your resilience, helping you take life minute by minute without the pressure of needing 'good days.'
Episode Overview
Emily Kaiser shares her journey through unimaginable loss - the death of her 18-month-old son Trek in a drowning accident - while navigating public scrutiny as a content creator. She discusses the reality of grief, the limitations of online support, the importance of professional help, and how she's learning to coexist with pain rather than overcome it.
Key Insights
Grief Isn't Stages - It's Coexistence
The traditional 'stages of grief' model was designed for elderly people accepting end-of-life, not for parents who've lost children. Grief doesn't end or progress linearly. Instead, you learn to coexist with it forever, experiencing multiple emotions simultaneously - joy and sadness, support and guilt, love and pain - all at once.
Nobody Can Hurt You More Than You Hurt Yourself
When experiencing profound loss, external criticism or judgment cannot exceed the pain you're already inflicting on yourself through self-blame and 'what-if' scenarios. The people who truly know and love you are the only ones whose understanding matters. Everyone else's opinions, while inevitable, cannot penetrate the protective layer of your own grief.
Routine as Medicine During Crisis
In the depths of grief, establishing small routines - like daily movement or exercise - provides crucial mental stability. These aren't about 'getting better' but about managing moment-to-moment survival. Small intentions matter more than grand expectations when your world has fallen apart.
The Two-Scale System for Managing Grief
Rather than labeling days as 'good' or 'bad,' evaluate grief on two separate scales: the intensity of your grief (1-10) and your ability to manage it (1-10). An 8/10 grief day with 10/10 management ability is actually a success. This framework acknowledges pain while celebrating resilience.
Public Grief Requires Radical Boundaries
Living publicly while grieving privately requires unprecedented boundary-setting. Emily stopped sharing her children online entirely, choosing to be criticized for sharing 'too little' rather than risk being judged for sharing 'too much' of her raw pain. Protecting your family's story becomes paramount.
Notable Quotes
"There is no way to describe to someone what it's like losing a child. We did not think we would make it through that. It's like you constantly are looking back like, how how have I done that? How have we done that? How are we even here right now?"
"Nobody could say anything to Brady and I that would make us feel any more hurt than how we already feel not having him here. When you lose your child, you really don't care about anything else besides doing your best to get through it and there's not even a through it. You don't get through it."
"Your brain chemistry literally changes. Grief is going to be with you for the rest of your life. You could feel joy and feel so much sadness at the exact same time. So many feelings coexist and that is forever."
"I would rather be ripped apart for what I don't share and for not sharing enough than share too much of the pain and the heartbreak and the thoughts that I go through every day and be judged for that. It's just it's too much."
"Stages of grief were designed for elderly people who are at the end of life accepting that your life is going to end. That is not made for parents who have lost their child because there are no stages. It is never ending."
Action Items
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1
Move Your Body Daily, Especially During Crisis
Prioritize daily physical movement (walking, Pilates, any exercise) when going through difficult times. The endorphins provide crucial mental stability and help you manage grief minute-by-minute, even when getting out of bed feels impossible.
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2
Set Boundaries Around What You Share
If you're public-facing while grieving, decide in advance what you will and won't share. Choose to protect your deepest pain rather than expose it to judgment. It's better to be criticized for sharing too little than too much.
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3
Use the Two-Scale System for Hard Days
Rate your pain/difficulty level (1-10) and separately rate your ability to manage it (1-10). High pain with high management is still a win. This reframe helps you celebrate resilience without denying reality.
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4
Seek Specialized Professional Support Immediately
When facing major loss or trauma, immediately connect with professionals who specialize in that specific type of grief (child loss, couples counseling, trauma therapy). General support isn't enough - you need experts who understand your exact situation.