Care Too Much About Others' Opinions? | Dr. Ingrid Clayton
Learn to recognize when you're 'fawning'—appeasing or caretaking others to avoid relational threat. Start by checking in with yourself: put your hand on your heart and ask 'What am I noticing right now?' Practice with small boundaries like correcting a wrong order at a restaurant before tackling big
1h 15mKey Takeaway
Learn to recognize when you're 'fawning'—appeasing or caretaking others to avoid relational threat. Start by checking in with yourself: put your hand on your heart and ask 'What am I noticing right now?' Practice with small boundaries like correcting a wrong order at a restaurant before tackling bigger relationships.
Episode Overview
Dr. Ingrid Clayton explores 'fawning'—the fourth trauma response where people appease or caretake others to maintain safety. She explains how chronic fawning develops from relational trauma and shares practical steps for 'unfawning' through inner work and gradual boundary-setting.
Key Insights
Fawning is connection as protection
When fight or flight responses aren't available, fawning becomes 'the last house on the block'—leaning into relationships that may be causing harm because the body prioritizes relational safety above all else.
The body doesn't distinguish between danger and discomfort
Chronic fawners live in constant survival mode, unable to discern between actual danger and uncomfortable situations. Learning this distinction is crucial for recovery.
Healing requires turning focus inward
Recovery from fawning starts with building internal safety, not setting boundaries with others. You must develop a relationship with yourself before you can have authentic relationships with others.
Shame blocks healing more than the original trauma
Understanding fawning as an adaptive response to dysfunction reduces shame and opens the door to healing. The body made a genius adaptation—you're not broken.
Small practices create big changes
Simple nervous system regulation through sensory awareness—noticing what you see, hear, or feel—can help you become more embodied and less reactive over time.
Notable Quotes
"Fawning is a relational trauma response where you either appease or caretake to lessen the relational threat."
"The body will always prioritize safety and survival. And we are relational beings, right? We're hardwired for relationships."
"My body actually adapted in this really genius way to a dysfunctional environment. And this reduces the shame that I've been carrying my whole life."
"I would rather have me in my own life than sacrifice that for a relationship with ultimately anybody else cuz it's not a real relationship if I'm not even there to have it."
"The senses are the language of the nervous system."
Action Items
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1
Practice the hand-on-heart check-in
Put your hand on your heart and ask 'What am I noticing right now?' to build an embodied relationship with yourself and recognize your internal experiences.
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2
Use the 5-senses grounding technique
Deliberately notice what you see, hear, feel, smell, or taste in your environment to regulate your nervous system and become more present.
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3
Start with micro-boundaries
Practice asserting yourself in low-stakes situations like correcting a wrong order at a restaurant before tackling more challenging relationships.
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4
Identify your power dynamics
If you hold power over others, actively create safety by saying things like 'I genuinely want to know what you're feeling' and rewarding people for speaking up.