5 Years. 800 Conversations. The 10 Lessons I Learned Too Late

Key Takeaway

Create a daily ritual of self-talk during physical activity. Whether it's running, working out, or walking, use this time to have honest conversations with yourself about what's working and what isn't. This practice of checking in—asking yourself if you're giving enough time to the people who matter, if you're honoring your commitments, and if you're living aligned with your values—can become your daily recalibration tool. The key is making it a consistent ritual, not just an occasional reflection.

Episode Overview

This episode features a collection of powerful conversations from OnPurpose, exploring themes of authentic relationships, the dangers of fame, finding spiritual grounding, and learning what truly matters through life's challenges. Guests including Benny Blanco, Selena Gomez, Kevin Hart, and Emma Watson share deeply personal insights about love, vulnerability, near-death experiences, and the importance of creating space for reflection in our increasingly distracted world.

Full Transcript

Transcript of 5 Years. 800 Conversations. The 10 Lessons I Learned Too Late from On Purpose. Auto-generated from episode audio; may contain minor errors.

Hey everyone, welcome back to OnPurpose. Before we get into today's episode, I just want to take a moment to acknowledge this community we've built here on YouTube. When we started this journey, the intention was simple, to create a space where we could all feel less alone, where wisdom felt practical and conversations explored what it really means to live with purpose. And you turned that into something far bigger than I ever imagined. The community we built together became a place of learning, reflection, and genuine connection. Now, this isn't a goodbye to YouTube.

It's a new chapter in how we share these conversations. You'll be able to watch our full video interviews on Netflix and Spotify video, and we'll continue showing up here on YouTube in new ways as we keep building this community together. The heart of this has never changed. It's always been about helping you live a life that feels more intentional, more meaningful, and more true to who you are. I'm deeply grateful you've been a part of this, and I can't wait to continue this journey together. It's just the beginning.

Today's episode felt like the perfect moment to look back. This is a collection of some of the most powerful conversations we've shared over the years. The moments that challenged us, shifted us, and stayed with us. Let's dive in. I think to myself, I'm like, how can I make Selena's day better? Like, how what can I do in my day to make her day better? Because then that makes my day better. And I wanted to find a person like that. And I know when Selena wakes up, like the first thing she's thinking is like, how can I make his day better?

And we have such a give and take. Like, I could never even see a world where I would ever yell at her. She would ever yell at me. Like, we don't argue like that. Like, I feel like we just have conversations. Like, there's never an argument. Sometimes she'll say, "This is so funny." funny." funny." Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. No, no, no. She'll do this and it's really cool. I'm feeling a little irritated and I think I need like 25 minutes. And I'll say, "Okay." And then I give her her space.

And then after like 5 minutes, she text me. She's like, "Hey, will you come back and miss?" miss?" miss?" But but it's but it's knowing that and we have the proper boundaries set with each other. Like I don't have to be on top of her every second. She doesn't have to be on top of me every second we're together. I just want to know she's in the house so I can say like, "Hey, I love you." And then go back to what I'm doing. You know what I mean?

Cuz look, we're both highly independent people. Okay. But we're both little mushes who just need to be attached. No, we are so cheesy. It's so fun. Yeah. I love the maturity. I mean, hearing you both talk about it. Yes. But let's be clear. [clears throat] We are not the perfect. It's not perfect. But you're disagreeing. No. No, no, no. But I I think the maturity of and and I agree with you. I think I think that's actually the difference and I'm glad you brought that up.

I think there's a big difference between maturity and perfection. Perfection is saying we never have a disagreement. We never have to take space from each other. We you know, which you're not saying. You're saying, hey, I just asked for 25 space and then I was like, wait a minute, I need you. And I think there's a maturity in that because it requires maturity from both parts for you to first say, hey, I need space. For you to say, I get it. I respect you. And then for you to have the maturity to say, actually, I want you back.

And for you to be like, not like, oh, I told you so. For you to be like, I'm here for you. Like that that's not perfection. To me, that's maturity. And I think that's I really want people to get that from it. That you are going to have disagreements. You are going to want space. Like me and Raleigh went through that. She at the beginning of our relationship, if we had a disagreement, and we were the same. We never we made a rule that we would never raise our voices at each other because I came from a home where it was not great.

She comes from a home where her parents don't raise their voices. But I was just like I never wanted that in my home. I wanted the energy of my home to be so sacred and I wanted the energy of the home to always have a space where everyone just walked in and felt like a warm hug. And I was like we can't argue and then expect that to happen. But it took a long time for us to realize that when she at the start of our disagreements, she wanted space.

And I used to say to her, "Well, if you don't want to talk about it right now, that means you don't care about me." And that wasn't true. She just needed space to process. So, it took time for us to mature, for me to realize, wait a minute, you wanting space is you caring the relationship. the relationship. the relationship. When you start dating someone, you're not only dating them. You're dating every single person they've ever dated, every single relationship they've ever had in their past, every because you're getting every piece of baggage that that person's carried and that what they've learned through their own personal life, through the life with partners, with their parents, with this that and I had to find a way to build that trust with her, not make it feel overbearing and make it feel real and make her actually believe it.

and vice versa. Like I know that she fully tr if I say, "Hey, I'm just going to do this today." There's nowhere in her mind that's thinking that. And if for any chance that she I always told her, I said, "It's okay if you have moments of doubt in something in a feeling, always talk to me and I'll talk you through anything that you may have." You know, if you say, "Hey, I know this is a crazy thing. I just had a dream and I woke up from this dream and I was upset.

Sometimes she'll just say like, "Please tell me I can trust you or please tell me you're not doing anything stupid." And I say, "You can call me anytime you want." And I'm aware of her strengths and I'm aware of her weaknesses. And what I try to do is surround her with a lot of things to help her. So, if she's away and I have to go to a dinner, then a party, then this thing, then that thing, it's a simple text in between each things that says, "Hey, babe, I'm going to this next thing.

I'm thinking about you." you." you." Wait, so the album I said, "I love you first." Yes. Yes. Yes. So, Selena, you said I love you first. Yes. She said it a What made you want to say that? Because that's a big step. I say I definitely have never been the first. So, this is the first time in your life you were the first. pass. Wow. Wow. Wow. I wanted him to also know how committed I was. And deep down I just felt that. And I And I And I I I was tired of protecting myself.

We had spent enough time together where you know I felt like this was my person and I I had the courage enough to say it but I was very nervous and luckily he said it back. And the thing that's crazy is, you know, before you say I love you, it's like this thing. It's like taboo. You're scared to say, and then after you're like, "Oh my god, I can't." Like, you want to say it a thousand times in a row. You never want I can't even understand how I went so long without saying it to her.

I say it 3,000 times a day to her. And like I I make sure every day I say, "I love you so much. Like, I love you a million times." And then I always tell her how beautiful she is and how lucky I am to have her every day, you know. And I That's so annoyingly cute. And I always want No. And I always want to do that because I want her to know that every day I don't take any of anything for granted. And I still look at her and my breath gets taken away in so many different ways.

And I I said it to her last night. We were sitting we we were in like the pool or something together last night and we were just hanging out and I was just like you're so beautiful. And I don't mean that just physically. I'm saying like you can feel it. There's like a ring like an aura around her that exudes just like warmth and it and it just you're like making me want to cry. How do you react in the moment when that happens, Selena? Cuz Benny, we're basically the same person.

I do the same thing to my wife. I do that to Radi all the time. Rally will just pull the funniest face in the world. Yeah. I was like, how do you react when when Benny's telling you all these amazing things? Selena, what do you say? Because I I say, no, let's be honest. I also am equally grateful and I tell him that all the time. I I just it makes me feel like it's not real. And I'll like sometimes I'll be like, "This seems too good to be true.

like he's so sweet to me. But now I've accepted it. I think I I actually love it so much that it just makes me want to give him that support and that love back. So, um it's safe to say I feel much safer doing that now. And I like it. I think so many people feel that when someone's that nice and that's coming from someone who's like that myself with friends, family, and obviously with my with my wife too. A lot of the time that's seen as a weakness.

Like people kind of look down on it when someone's that open about their feelings. Especially I get asked that a lot when I'm giving relationship or dating advice. People be like, "Oh no, but if if I come on too strong, people get turned off." what this time was different for you where it's like he's he's being really affectionate, he's being really open, but there's a part of you that realizes that's what you want and that's what you deserve. What I felt for Benny, it was it was everything about him was honest.

It wasn't just that he was honest with me. He was honest about where he was at in life and um he'll tell me anything that he's feeling and it made me feel like I could do the same. But he's the one person, you know, when you're saying those nice things to me, babe, that's like so sweet that I believe to where I'm not going to believe someone who is blowing smoke up my butt to just make me feel good. He's saying it cuz he means it it it and I believe it.

Yeah, that's beautiful. That honesty that someone has in every area of their life, including their bad days, their tough days, their challenging days. Then when they're saying that, yeah, yeah, yeah, whether their day is good or bad and they feel that way, it resonates with us. I think we all we all sense that the biggest drug, it's not cocaine, it's not heroin, it's not uh Molly or opioids. And the biggest drug is fame. And now it's more accessible in different doses. different doses. different doses. It's the it's the biggest drug.

And the reason why it's the biggest drug because it's a drug that makes you feel like you are powerful and like everywhere you go, anything you want, everything you want. It's it's a thing. And if you can't handle this thing, the consequences attached attached attached Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. to when that thing is removed are severe. Nobody prepares you for the world of fame. M there is no handbook. There is no outline. There is no guide by guide. Step one to step 10. There's nothing. You get it and yesterday you weren't and today you are.

And tomorrow you're not. Well, no, we're done. People get shell shocked. shocked. shocked. That to me has always been the point of no return. no return. no return. Yeah. At the end of the day, this can wear off if and when however sees or decides and if that were to happen. Well, what am I? Where am I? It's all going to it's all going to send it back to are you happy with who you are and what you did? Are you at a point where you are okay?

Do you know you and are you okay with you? If you are not, it'll break you. your energy is incredible and and just the depth. What I love about this and this was my vision with the show and you're helping me achieve that which I'm very grateful for is I don't think and I love that you've been doing this more and more with the audible with heartto-heart like we're getting to see your depth. We're getting to see the mind behind you. Again, as we said earlier, we like to limit people.

We like to limit people into like you just be a comedian or you just be a race car driver or you just be a actor. And it's like we're starting to realize that like you said, you're not just watching someone's life on TV. There's a human here. There's there's a story here. And we're getting that with you. Do you think it was was this something was this an epiphany that you had before the accident or was it that this really because in your audible when you talk about like how when it's just silent, you figure out what really matters.

Like when I heard that, I was just thinking like our neardeath experiences. You were told when you came out of it, you should be dead and you're like, well, I don't remember anything. Does that feel like that was a moment that there is a massive awakening or were you already kind of working with some of this? No, I I had a I was always a transparent and authentic person, but you definitely change. That's what you you definitely change. And by the way, still changing. I'm not sitting in front of you.

Yes. As a unflawed man. Like I I am my dad's child and my I'm my mother's child as well. There's nothing more humbling than a quiet room. There's nothing more humbling than the realization of of of what is really like necessary. What you take for granted and what we don't think twice about. It's not until that's compromised that the true appreciation for life. I feel like can sometimes be had. I don't want to speak for everybody because I think there are some people that truly do get it and that truly do thank whatever their space um or version of a higher power is daily for life and for what they do.

Um, you know, I believe in God, so I'm I'm not as spiritual as some may be, but I'm very thankful for the life that God has allowed me to to live and the opportunities that I've been able to embark upon. But I got a lot more appreciation appreciation appreciation after after after life was almost gone, right? Like, do you really appreciate your toes? your toes? your toes? Do you really appreciate your fingers? Like do you really think about your movement, your joints, vision, smell? Do you really think about how fortunate and and lucky you are?

It's the only time where I get a little where I slow up, up, up, right? And when when I'm slowing up, it's because the reality of that was significant. I really almost died my kids and all that. Like what? as I'm moving so fast. I didn't even have everything dialed up for if said thing were to happen, what what Oh, because I'm I'm out here. I'm just roaming. I'm out here aimlessly living and I'm moving so fast. I've yet to grasp the true concept and reality of responsibility immediately.

Let me get my responsibilities in order because if that had have been Mhm. There would have been a lot of people with their hands up as to what, how, when. Fame is great. The lights are great. Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart, number one, number one, number of one. I was in that room is my goddamn wife, my brother, my kids. You look around, you got a lot of friends, you got a lot of people that love you, but then you start to, well, what really matters?

That's when my mindset started to change. change. change. That's when you go, okay, my approach to just me and working on me, it needs to be different. be different. be different. I've contradicted myself a lot since, you know, I want to slow down. I'm going to make sure I give my family more time. I have. That doesn't mean that there can't be more. The day-to-day battle of am I giving enough? Am I Guys, you know how much dad loves you. I'm here. I'm like, you know, always working to make sure I do more, but is it enough?

Mhm. Am I a workaholic? Okay. But that's not a bad thing because I'm You love to work. Yes, you do. That's a passion. You get You got something that you go after every day. That is a driving source for me. I'm not in the business of letting that go. But boy, you better put your hands on these people and make sure you better make sure that you are giving the time that you said you would when you were in that time of solace. Okay. All right.

I'm constantly talking to myself. I have these conversations all the time. That's the beauty of taking my little runs. The beauty of working out, being in the gym, you talk to yourself. You better have conversations. Figure out a ying and yang of good and bad. For me, me, me, it was about personal evolvement after that accident that accident that accident and still trying. Man, it's the biggest battle. It's the big the biggest battle is just doing right all the time. M that's a battle. I used to value I mean stuff.

stuff. stuff. I live in an area where there would be fires a lot and there was probably four times we had to fully pack up the house, everything out, houses catching on fire, property caught on fire, like really close to losing everything. first time packed up my entire shoe and bag closet and a lot of them cuz they were memory stuff from my dad, stuff in high school, but all designer stuff also videos, photos, whatever. Digitized everything. Put everything important somewhere else. Second, pack up the designer stuff, but leave some leave some of the clothes.

You know, I don't really need all the clothes, but I packed a hotel for months. bags and every designer thing that I had had to come. Third time, leave all the bags and shoes. I don't I don't need them. We got all the We got all the photos. We got all the my little blankie when I was little, you know, the kids stuff. Fourth time leave, everything. Me and my babies, that's all I need. You know, I have all my photos digitized. I have everything digital.

We got our passports. We're good. Yeah. and that like evolution of like they had to go in and get all my designer stuff or I'm not leaving my house, you know, it's going to catch on fire. And now I'm like nothing is worth it. Nothing is important. [snorts] important. [snorts] important. [snorts] And I think that comes from life experiences, experiences, experiences, scary experiences, things shaking you to your core to make you realize that nothing is important. You can't I know everyone says this, but like you can't take it with you.

None of it is important. important. important. Yeah. There's a beautiful Islamic proverb that says detachment doesn't mean that you own nothing. It means that nothing owns you. And I feel so often we become owned by our dreams, our desires, our pursuits, our things. our things. our things. It doesn't mean that we have to give them all away or we don't have those things. It's just if and when we have to let go. let go. let go. Totally. Totally. Totally. Are we willing? Are we able to let go?

Totally. Even with work stuff, I mean, it doesn't just have to be the material things things things like you said, like your dreams. And it's okay to be able to let go, but work so hard to like the opposites are okay. Contradicting yourself a little bit in those ways. those ways. those ways. Yeah. You know, it's like in in relationships, you can love a person, miss a person so much, but still have the wisdom to know they're not your person, and you're better off not together.

That like opposite connection with everything, I think, is really important to have that awareness in everything in life, relationships, material things, all of that. Yeah. I I I I officiated a wedding a few years ago and someone came up to me from the audience and and said to me, Jay, I realized from what you were saying that they' just gone through a breakup recently. And they were saying, Jay, I realized that I love that person, but we didn't like each other anymore. And it was that essence of like there'll always be that deep love for each other.

Yeah. Yeah. But we just don't like family, you know, like you love people and people and people and but it's okay to to feel a protection of a person but then also protecting yourself and realizing when you have to and when it's time and it's okay to feel all of the opposite emotions. You know, I think as long as you're really well aware aware aware and go through the motions and feel things and don't hold things in, it's so important. Whether it's, you know, breakups, deaths, I've always been really clearheaded really clearheaded really clearheaded and like gone through the feelings, gone through the emotions more in those relationships, relationships, relationships, more in those lifelong relationships that you hope for.

And then also be okay and calm and realizing I've always been someone like okay my dad died what why is this happening what was his purpose here and how are we going to grow and learn from this experience experience experience and I always said that like right when he passed and I was felt it and super emotional about it and you know cry all the time when great things happen that I wish he was here but also I had of wisdom at like a younger age to understand that this is like a part of our journey and a part of our like evolution and this happens and this is why you have to hold on to relationships even more precious but but but don't let things destroy you at the same time we live in a very busy chaotic world lots of noise distraction I mean how many times have you heard people say oh you know social media and like all the you know people can't walk down the street without listening to music.

Everybody has to be visually stimulated all the time. Like there is no peace. There is no quiet. We're we're not comfortable being quiet with ourselves and looking inward and asking ourselves why am I here? What am I doing? Or what is my intention in this specific choice I'm making right now? Whether it's about my work or the way I'm raising my children, decisions that I make about everything really. really. really. Yeah. I have to ask myself. And if you don't have a spiritual life, you're never going to stop and ask any questions.

You're just going to plow through life. And if you just and and you're going to see everything that happens to you as just a random event. And I don't believe that anything is random. I think everything that happens to us is meant to happen to us um to teach us some kind of a lesson. But you know, the question is, are you aware enough? Are you awake enough? Are you [snorts] interested enough to find out what that reason is? Like why did this happen to me?

What is my lesson? I don't want to go through life seeing everything that happens to me as random. But I also don't want to go through life as a victim. And I've had a pretty challenging life. And it's easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself or like being a victim or, you know, why why isn't this happening to other people? Why is it happening to me? Why don't I have what that person has? I'm sure you know the expression comparison is the killer of joy.

So, you know, it's like to you got to to get out of that game. You have to have a spiritual life. You just have to. You're reminding me of something beautiful that I came across called the third space theory. Have you heard of it? It's this idea that as humans around 50 years ago, we had three spaces. So we had work, we had home, and then you had a temple, a synagogue, a church, a community center, or a third space. And the point of that third space, it's kind of what you're saying, was a place that you could look back at work and home, and you could reflect on your life, you could take stock, you could introspect.

But as time's gone on, what's happened is we lost that third space. We stopped going to temple, church, community, whatever it may self-reflection, self-reflection, self-reflection, a place of self-reflection. And we ended up with working home. And then after the pandemic, we lost work. And so now we're in one space and we don't have a different vantage point to where we are anymore, which is what I think you're saying. Go back on even one more step. That to me is like a prison. Get if you get if you remove the spiritual life, spiritual practice, you remove the workplace, then you you're in the home and then removed once more from home is you're looking at your phone.

your phone. your phone. Which is even takes you out of home. It's a great point. Yeah. So, where are you? You're nowhere. We're living in the virtual world. Yeah. We're living in the virtual world. Not even in the material world. We're just Yes. But a virtual and a virtual world is not a bad world. But if you don't have consciousness, there's really no point to living. Yeah. It's Yeah. So it's it's it's interesting to think about that because I feel like everyone can relate to the idea that if we all had we need physical spaces to sometimes make us do internal things.

things. things. Yes. I mean some kind of ritualistic behavior h has to happen. What have been your rituals? I'm intrigued. What I'm curious what are your spiritual practices and rituals that have been so supportive and emblematic of your journey that have kept you going at the times as you said there were so many times you could give up or things could go wrong or you kept pushing and you kept they kept you locked. What were they? What are they? Well, one really important thing is studying.

Making time every week to sit down and study. I mean you can study the Bible, you can study the poetry of Cahil Gibbran or you can study the vadas. You you know and you did that right? You actually studied different traditions on your I mean to be honest before I discovered Cabala I I was looking for answers. And why do you think that was? Why were you looking for answers? Because I had everything that everything that everything that people would assume would give you happiness. I had successful career.

I had fame, fortune, monetary things, physical things, but I wasn't happy. And I naturally sought out, well, when I was a dancer, I had a roommate. She was a Buddhist, and she would get up and chant every day. And so I was very intrigued by that. Like nothing bothered her. You know what I mean? Everything bothers me. I'm, you know, I'm a Leo. I'm I'm Italian. I'm very dramatic. Um I wouldn't say she was peaceful all the time, but I was just struck by her confidence and her um knowingness that everything was happening for a reason.

She never got upset about things. And this is in the beginning of my career when I was living in New York and I was broke and a lot of crazy things happened to me, really scary, traumatic things. And I would always ask her, her name is Mariana, I would always say, "What? Like why are you like never upset?" So I attributed that to her spiritual life, but it didn't speak to me. [snorts] And then later on, I started practicing yoga, Ashtanga yoga, and my teacher Eddie um Stern, he still has a love Eddie.

He's great. you know Eddie. Yeah, he's amazing. I got quite caught up in and competitive about like first series, second series, third series. But one thing I noticed is that a lot of people would come into his his practice, his studio where he taught, and they wouldn't even do the poses. They would just go and sit in front of the statue of Ganesha or light candles or prayer. And I realized and Eddie pointed it out to me because sometimes I would have injuries. I would or I would be traveling and I couldn't practice yoga.

and he'd say, "Look, are you breathing?" And I'd say, "Yes." And he said, "You're practicing yoga." So, I realized that I was too still too caught up in the physical poses. And he's like, "No, you don't understand. You're missing the whole point. The poses are just something that you do to breathe through to calm your nervous system down and to bring you back to your center." And that really spoke to me. You know, you always get asked when you're like promoting these big films like, "So, do you guys hang out on set?" And like, "Do you guys hang out?" And like, "Are you all friends?" And everyone sort of like nods enthusiastically.

But the truth is, no one has seen each other outside of work. Like, very, very, very rarely. Mostly because the schedule is insane. Everyone's so tired that when they get any time off, you're going straight back to your hotel room to try to like claw in any piece of rest that you possibly can. And like I don't know like it friendships friendships friendships require time and trust and presence and those things like very rarely come about. They they can and they like do occasionally but it it's more of a more of a you know solar eclipse than a than an everyday situation.

So yeah, but you have to pretend. I think that's the part that starts to feel icky after a while is like you you have to pretend that you're all best friends. And what's so sad and and I I know this isn't just the case for me, but like I think people wish they were. I think we wish we did have those real connections and we did have that real support. And so having to pretend that something exists that you actually really want but don't have is like it's like pretty grainy in the wound, you know?

It's like it's pretty like tough pill to swallow to have to act out something that you wish were real but isn't real. isn't real. isn't real. Um and I think that's the part that starts to kind of Yeah, I can only speak for myself but those are definitely the moments where I've been like this feels dark like is anyone else like this feels dark. Um and and there's such a real reminder that it's still work and it's almost like asking anyone who works at any company and saying, "Hey, do you hang out with your team after work every night?" And the answer is probably no.

Yeah. No. Everyone's go home to their family. And maybe you've got a couple, of course, you got a couple of friends at work. And it's wonderful if you have a friend at work that you work out with or see after hours, but you're not hanging out as the whole crew. It's it's very unlikely. 100%. and and it and it is that reality check of no but this is also just work and their their character stories are not their personal stories and it doesn't and that's why I wanted to go back you mentioned there you talked about how Harry Potter had a family feel and I wanted to ask you like how did that come about in the first like what what was where where did the auditions come from like how did that become a part of your life yes so I did not go to a performing arts school I'd never done anything.

I never acted professionally, but they came they they did like a basically countrywide search to find Harry, Hermione, and Ron. And so they asked my school if they wanted to submit any students who love drama who wanted to audition. And so I was one of I think about 12 students that was asked if I wanted to audition. I don't know. It was weird. I had this weird weighted fated sense of destiny pretty much from the moment that that they said they mentioned the audition. I remember remember remember I brought I think maybe like seven different Beanie Babies with me along and like all these different like lucky talismans and I loved the world and the books so much.

My dad had been reading them to me before bed when I would spend the weekends with him and on long car journeys. We'd often drive back and forwards to France and that's how the time would be passed. And so I was just like loved the world, loved Hermione. And for me it wasn't so much about acting so much as it was that like I just the books meant so much to me personally. Did you feel like it was destiny for you or did it feel like did you always feel like it was going to be this?

I always I always I always obviously the books were already you know know know I always felt like Hermione was I knew I was never auditioning for anything else like I knew it was her. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. Something felt right about it. And my yeah, my poor parents because if I hadn't have got it, I think they knew how crush I ended up doing nine auditions over a period of over a year and a half, which for a 9-year-old is a long a long a long a massive commitment.

But I was I loved her. I loved it. I really did. What I try to do is just try to be still and understand that things come and go. Emotions come and go. The important thing is to accept them all, to embrace them all, and then you can choose to do with them what you want versus being controlled by emotion. You know, a lot of times I've seen players, even myself, you know, when I was younger, being consumed by a particular fear, um, and to the point where you're saying, "Okay, no, it's it's not good to feel fear.

I shouldn't be nervous in the situation." Like, not and it does nothing but grow versus stepping back and saying, "Yeah, I I am nervous about the situation. Yeah, I am fearful about the situation, but what am I afraid of?" And then you kind of unpack it and then it gives you ability to look at it for really what it is, which is nothing more than your imagination. running his course, you know. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. I love that because what you're saying is that when you're dealing with something, it's almost like how can I get to the root of it?

it? it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because sometimes what we're dealing with, like you're saying, it's an imagination and illusion. It's not really really really it's not it's not really a thing, you know, like you think about game-winning shots and shots and shots and or [snorts] game-winning free throws and people go to the free throw line and they're nervous about it. Well, what are you really nervous about? If you unpack that, okay, you you're nervous that you're going to miss the shot. All right, so you miss the shot, then what happens?

People are going to be embarrassed. You're going to be embarrassed because thousands of people, millions of people see you missed a shot. All right? And then what? People are going to talk bad about you. Okay? Right? And so you're looking at it go, are those things even important? You know what I mean? If that is my fear, like what what is you're worried about letting your teammates down? Okay. Have you let them down before? Oh, I'm sure in practice and things of that nature, right? They're still there.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and so when you're able to unpack it, you kind of look at it for what it is, which is really nothing. Yeah. I love that breaking it down. I think that's so important. And I think everyone who's listening or watching right now, next time you're facing a fear, next time you're going against something, do that. Like literally unpack it. Don't just settle for your first answer because the first answer is rarely the right one. Yeah. Don't hide from it. You know, you got to be able to look at it and, you know, and and and deal with it head on.

Yeah. I love that, man. And and you talk about that because you talk about, you know, when you talk about missing uh five throws, you talk about uh getting over yourself. over yourself. over yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Like getting over yourself. How did you get that mentality of just being like, I need to get over this. Like, I need to get over myself. You know, trial and error. You know, you grow up and you make game-winning shots and it's awesome. And you come back the next day and miss a game-winning shot and it's misery.

And then the next day comes and you're back playing again. And you understand that life has this cyclical nature where it's, you know, what you do on Monday is fantastic, but then Tuesday is a bad day. But guess what? There's Wednesday. So, are we just supposed to live our lives like this the whole time? you know, versus just standing like this and understanding that it's really just a journey of journey of journey of evolution every day. It's just constant improvement, constant curiosity, constantly getting better. The results don't really matter.

Uh it's the figuring out that matters. Yeah. And we all get obsessed about the results. results. results. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like we get obsessed about like the output, output, output, not the input of not figuring it out and not like changing things. What you said, trial and error, like the experimenting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We forget to do that. It's unfortunate, man. Like I I've seen a lot of players um especially now, you know, in youth basketball dealing with that. Um you have players that are like bigger and faster and stronger and you know their coaches are just coaching them for results.

You know, we're just going to use your size that cuz you're bigger than every other 12-year-old out there to dominate today, but they're not growing, growing, growing, right? So they're just based on that result, but they're not focused on growing this young child. Yeah. into becoming a better athlete and through that teaching them how to become a more well-rounded person and we're missing that. missing that. missing that. Yeah. [snorts] See what you've said there just it I want to ask you this and I'm not saying cuz I you know like you know yourself best and you know how you've got there.

So I'm asking it from a place of humility of learning. When I look at you I'm like you know your superpower isn't just your work ethic. Your superpower isn't just like figuring things out. Your superpower is like you think strategically. Like that's a very strategic thought of saying this person could be this in the future if they were developed as a whole individual rather than just like let's use them for the short term. Where did you develop that from that ability to see beyond to think deeper to to reflect deeper?

Where did that come from? from? from? Well, I had to do that because you know I grew up growing up in Italy. Um when I first moved over there it was you know I didn't speak Italian. I didn't have any friends. you know, I had the game of basketball and through sport and playing soccer, I was able to make friends and build connections, but it was a lot of time spent [clears throat] alone and and when I came back to the States, I wasn't the most athletic kid, you know?

I was really scrawny, like really really skinny and had like major knee issues cuz I was growing. So, I was the dorky kid with high socks and big old knee pads. pads. pads. It's fashionable now. It wasn't then. It wasn't then. And and so um I had to look long term because in the here and now I couldn't compete with these kids. I mean there's kids that were like 12 years old with beards. Like I can't what am I supposed to do with that? Like they're they're doing windmills and dunking backwards and I'm happy to like tap the backboard, you know?

So I had to look at it from a long term cuz I wasn't going to give up on the game, right? right? right? So I had to say, okay, this year I'm going to get better at that. Next year this and then so forth and so on. and then patiently I was able to catch him. catch him. catch him. The quote is, "If you have a problem with me, text me. And if you don't have my number, you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me." That is so good.

And I think that that is such a great piece of advice because as a celebrity, you live on this stage. You live out there. You kind of give out a version of yourself that you want people to see. And that can be the version of yourself that they can have a problem with or they can love. And there is a, you know, I feel like I'm quite authentic in my public persona, but I just try to really care about what my family thinks, what my friends think, what the people in my local community think.

I live in Kingston. I know everyone that lives there. I can't walk 5t without bumping into one of my mom's friends. So, yeah. So, it's something I've been working on. I try my best to not let that stuff affect me. It does. Yeah, of course. I'm not cold-hearted or anything like that. It does affect me, but I just try to to move on and focus on the positives. positives. positives. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. What What was the Did you ever see your dad deal with everything and you thought, "Wow, that was incredible." Like, was there anything specific that you remember that like seeing him like tackle something and you thought, "Wow, that really impressed me." Even if it was something really small in hindsight.

I think the thing I admire most about my dad is his resilience. You know, he's someone who has had an incredibly successful career in his earlier life and then later in life, his career sort of plateaued and he struggled and he's never stopped. He's never given up. He's still gigging to this day. He's still writing books. He has a patron. He has a podcast. He's constantly grafting to get to where he wants to be. And I think being a young kid and seeing your dad continually working as hard as he can to kind of put his best foot forward for me has been a huge drive for my work ethic.

I'll give it 100% or I'll give it nothing. And I think a lot of that has come from my dad and seeing him deal with that. The funny thing about my dad is you talk about doing a bad gig. I must have seen him 20 times. I've never seen him do a bad gig. He always seems to absolutely rip it. Um but maybe that's just cuz we're in the audience. But he um but no I I I owe a lot to my dad and a lot of the teachings are things he's told me and things I've just witnessed him do.

Yeah. And was there ever a piece of feedback or a rumor or something you saw that did affect you where you actually thought well or at least made you stop and god I'm trying to see the positives but this one's tough like like this actually made me have to pause and figure it out. Something that did really upset me. I was in New York. I was shooting the crowded crowded room and I was having a really hard time with the job just because of how taxing it was, the emotional capacity that I was having to get to every day.

And I decided to delete my Instagram because I just felt like I was so addicted to this kind of false version of my life that it was just taking over. I would be on set working, I'd come and sit in my chair and just scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll. And it was it was becoming a problem. I was just obsessed with it. And I was obsessed to find out what people were saying and how people what they thought about me. So I decided to make an announcement which unfortunately we have to do and say that I'm taking a break from social media.

And I and I tried to position myself and say like I'm taking a break from social media because I feel like my mental health will benefit from it. And the thing that really upset me is the press ran with that and they tried to make out that I was having this mental breakdown. And what upset me was if I was having a mental breakdown, that's not for you to report on. They they they took the story in the wrong direction. And they try they painted again this negative light on mental health.

Rather than saying, "Oh, he's doing it. It's okay that he's doing it, so we should all feel okay to do it, too." They were saying, "Oh, look, he's not the perfect happy golucky kid you think he is. He's having a nervous breakdown in New York." And I think that that was a really unfair line of journalism, let's say, because I just think it again kind of painted people looking for help in the wrong light, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.

It almost sounds like you were actually preemptively preemptively preemptively going, I'm doing this so that I don't go in that direction. Totally. At least I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but it's like it's almost like I'm proactively seeing that I could end up in a position where I might have a breakdown. I don't want to be in that position and so I'm responsibly saying, "Guys, I'm taking a break in order to protect myself." 100%. 100%. 100%. Yeah. Which makes a lot of sense and actually is quite admirable again.

Totally. And that's kind of what the message of the show is about. Like the the message of our show is that asking for help should be something that we celebrate. If you're struggling, if you need help, if you feel bad and you wake up and and you go to a friend, a therapist, a teacher, an employee or a colleague and say, "I'm really struggling. I need some help." That should be something that we give you a pat on the back. Like, I would love to help you.

That I'm I'm delighted that you asked me. And that for me, that announcement was kind of my olive branch and the press ran with it how they ran with it. But to be fair, it kind of gave me a great drive to finish the crowded room in the way that we did to like if you're not going to listen to my personal message, then you have to listen to the message of my show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, it kind of went hand in hand. I just wanted to do dry January and all I could think about was having a drink.

It's all I could think about. I was waking up thinking about it. I was checking the clock. When's it 12? And it just really scared me. I just was like, "Wow, maybe maybe I have a little bit of an alcohol thing." So, I sort of decided to punish myself and say, "I'll do February as well. I'll do two months off. If I can do two months off, then I can prove to myself that I don't have a problem." Two months go by and I was still really struggling.

I felt like I couldn't be social. I felt like I couldn't go to the pub and have a lime soda. I couldn't go out for dinner. I was really, really struggling. and I started to really worry that maybe I had an alcohol problem. Um, so I decided that I would wait until my birthday, which is June 1st. I said to myself, if I can do 6 months without alcohol, then I can prove to myself that I don't have a problem. And by the time I had got to June 1st, I was the happiest I've ever been in my life.

I could sleep better. I could handle problems better. Things that would go wrong on set that would normally set me off, I could take in my stride. I had so much such better mental clarity. I felt healthier. I felt fitter. And I just sort of said to myself like, why why am I enslaved to this drink? Why am I so obsessed by the idea of having this drink? And I would look back and recognize that I would go to events for for work and, you know, I can't enjoy myself until I've had a few beers.

And I just felt so much pressure. And this is one of the things why I've sort of distanced myself from the rugby community cuz so much of it is about how much can you drink? Let's get you as drunk as possible. And it's honestly been the best thing I've ever done. I'm a year and a half into it now. It doesn't even cross my mind. I found amazing replacements that I think are fantastic ones that are also really healthy. I found this one beer that it's full of electrolytes and it's, you know, the carbohydrates in it are long-lasting energy.

So, like having a beer is now actually like a really healthy thing. I'm really lucky that all my friends are super supportive about it. I've never run into that scenario where my friends are like, "Oh, go on, just have a beer. Like, you're fine." They've always sort of really supported me. And I don't want to be that person that's saying to people, "You should get sober. You should get sober." If I could encourage someone to drink less, then that's great. But I I don't want to start getting into the world of you need to stop drinking because I just it's it's not for me to say.

I went on my own little journey. I'm really enjoying it. I'm delighted that my mom's has also given up. She's loving it. And it's been amazing. I can't believe the difference that I feel from not drinking. Yeah. drinking. Yeah. drinking. Yeah. I feel amazing. That's amazing, man. I love hearing that. And I love hearing that. It's been great for you, right? I think that's that's the point. Not everything has to be like, "Look what I did. You can do it, too." It's kind of like, "No, this is just what's been great for me." Do you think it was partly that attitude for you at least in the beginning where it's like, "Well, look, I can drink.

I drink a lot. It comes from my mom jeans and it doesn't affect me." And then all of a sudden you realize, well, wait a minute. It's more than that because I think there is that like I was like that as a young man as well. Like for me it was it was easy to drink. I I didn't drink [clears throat] daily. For me I drank a lot more socially and I love playing drinking games with my mates and that was really what I enjoyed the most probably.

And for me when I quit I could just quickly see how it just got me into doing things I would never do if I wasn't drunk. So for me for me it was more that. But yeah, I wonder for you, did you find that it's there's a really fine line between like, oh, I know I can drink a lot and then all of a sudden you're kind of addict not addicted beyond that. beyond that. beyond that. No, addicted, mate. I'm happy to say like I was definitely addicted to alcohol, not shying away from that at all.

I think anyone that wakes up and has not wakes up, anyone that has a beer every day is probably got a little bit of a problem. But yeah, you're right. I I would drink and drink and drink and drink and then you would just reach that moment where you're like, "Wow, I shouldn't have had that last beer." and you wake up the next day and you have a terrible headache and you're suffering. I I bought one of those rings that will tell you about your sleep.

Yeah. Or a ring. Yeah. And it was amazing cuz I couldn't sleep. I was like, why can't I sleep? I'm working 14 hours a day. I'm doing 2 hours in the gym. I'm eating really healthily and I can't sleep. What's wrong with me? I bought this ring and it was booze. It just it was completely affecting my sleep. And since I've given it up, I can sleep anywhere. You know, it's also interesting as well going on nights out and having a great time as the sober person and then getting to that point in the night where people start, you know, spitting in your ear and everyone's, "I love you, man.

I love you so much." And you're like, "Yeah, brilliant. I love you, too. I'll see you tomorrow. I'm going to bed." I love being that person now. I love seeing my friends on the golf course at 8:00 a.m. in the morning, feeling fresh and ready to go, and they're sort of crawling out their car. And so, yeah. So I I I am over the moon to be sober. I love it. There are three pillars of adult friendship based on research that are also going to help you understand that when people come and go in your life, 99% of the time it's not personal and you actually haven't lost them as a friend.

[clears throat] One of the three pillars is missing. So the three things that need to be required to have a friendship happen are the same three things that were around all the time when you were a kid. Number one, proximity. Proximity matters tremendously. Proximity means who are you actually physically next to? In fact, they've done research, Jay. If you and I were in a dorm and we lived across the hall, I don't I don't remember the percentages exactly, but it's like 90% chance we're going to be friends.

Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. The poor person at the end of the hallway, 10% chance that we're going to be friends with them because of proximity. Even a matter of 50 ft makes a difference. And so when you were little, you were in proximity to people your age all the time. All day. All day. All day. Exactly. The research also shows that to have as an adult a kind of casual friend, you need to spend approximately 70 hours with somebody. To have a close friend, 200 hours. Mhm.

Mhm. Mhm. So when you're an adult, that creates a big problem because who are you spending all your time with once you're 20? The American Times study shows that it's with people you work with. So why aren't we best friends with people at work? because you had proximity and you're spending a lot of time together. But here's the thing, timing. When you were little, you were in the same timing of life with everybody. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When you hit your 20s and it's now individual, individual, individual, everybody's on different timelines.

Some of your friends are getting married. Some are going to graduate school. Some are now pursuing jobs. Other people are moving out of the city into the city. Everybody's timing is now different. And this also explains why you're almost never best friends with people at work because the timing is off. You're sitting next to people that are in very different times of their life. You may like them a lot and you may be friends, but you never spend time outside of work because they're at home with their family and you're going out with your buddies your age on the weekends.

And then that brings me to the third thing that needs to be present for a friendship to truly click. And that's energy. energy. energy. And the thing about energy is it changes. changes. changes. And you can have fantastic energy with somebody and then if you decide you're not drinking anymore, the energy is off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you decide to get really focused on fitness, the energy is off. If you have very different political beliefs, the energy is off. It's not personal. It's one of these three pillars.

And it has helped me so profoundly, Jay, to realize that people come and go. And it's a beautiful thing. And you should let them. let them. let them. And you should really, if you have a friendship that starts to dissipate, right? Ask yourself before you blame them or you blame you, are any one of these three pillars missing? missing? missing? Are we not near each other anymore? Is the timing of our lives off? Is there just something about the energy that hasn't clicked? Because you can't force those things.

But what I found is that when you recognize that those are really important factors to your connection to someone else that if a friendship starts to fade for me, it's so easy to say let them. And I don't wish anybody bad. I literally wish people well because the other thing that I've learned and you know being 56 I've had a lot of friends come and go in different phases of my life that you would be startled by how many people from your past that you no longer quote consider friends cuz you haven't seen them in a very long time or things just got weird if you actually called them they'd pick up the phone.

They would. if you texted them. The research shows that when you get a surprise text from somebody that you haven't heard from in a long time, the amount of joy that you feel. And so, I want you to consider if you're very lonely right now, that there's actually probably hundreds of people from your past that still consider you a friend. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. And if you take the approach that I'm talking about, which is friendship is your responsibility. You need to go first. Let me create the friendship and the connection that I want.

And you can start by literally taking a look through your past and thinking about people that you remember fondly and just sending them a text. And you will be startled by what comes back back back because they're there. They haven't actually gone anywhere. The connection is still there. And often times, even if you've had somebody where something's been off, again, let them Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And wish them well. And there will be a time, I promise you, where the timing or proximity or energy comes back around again.

again. again. It took me a while to learn that, you know, there's no way we could be everything to each other. We have different interests, different goals. There was a stage in my marriage where I thought that's what a partner was supposed to be. You know, you should call me all the time. We should talk all the time. We should be each other's best friends all the time. Our marriage got better when I got better about that because I think he already had that independence. This this notion of I love you.

I don't even if I don't talk to you today that to me is like I don't need that. I felt like I needed more of that. But as I got older, right, it got more mature, more clear about my own goals, I realized that I, you know, he can't be responsible for my happiness. I have to be responsible for that. I have to define it for myself. I have to learn how to achieve it. My husband is definitely a part of that. But he is not the he I cannot put him in the center of my happiness.

my happiness. my happiness. That freed me up to let him be him and let me be me. So I have friends who give me things that my husband doesn't give me. I have girlfriends. One distinction that we have is like I'm a talker. All right. When I sit down with my girlfriends, we can talk for days. I mean, literally for days. We can take a break for lunch, but we can talk. You know, my husband's not he can talk, but he he will come by a friendship session.

You know, 9:00 in the morning, I have a friend staying with me, and he's like, "What are y'all talking about?" It's like, well, we're just now getting into our kids, and we're going to talk about each one of them separately for like an hour, right? He's like, I I couldn't do that, right? He can't be that for me. But I have really good, mostly girlfriends who give me that, you know, that we will dissect life to the bitter. We will ring everything out of every subject.

And he's like, I think I'm done. done. done. Yes. Yes. I was like, "Well, you can go be done cuz I've got her and we just got started. We're going to we got 12 more hours to go, right?" And and that's so beautiful to hear because I think especially when we're young, we think that that person has to be all of that and and from the beginning and or they'll become it. There's the other fallacy of like, "Oh, well, I know who they could be and who they could become." How much of that did you feel you had to disconnect and detach from of like what this person could be to you?

Obviously, not in the world, but world, but world, but I had to disconnect from all of those beliefs, right? Um, and every couple is different. I found I I know people who are each other's best friends. They like to travel together. They walk and hold hands. And I I have friends who are in relationships where they talk like every hour. hour. hour. I'm like, are you talking to him again? nothing changed. You know, it's up to the individuals to define that for themselves. themselves. themselves. That's the key word.

Yeah. For Barack and I. And I think you should be clear about that because the other thing is that when we hold on internally to an expectation of the other person, we don't even share it. So now we're mad that you haven't even fulfilled something I never even told you I needed. You know, that takes time and it takes work. Which is why marriage is hard, right? because you'll have the tendency to live in your head and live out the image of what you want them to be and you haven't even communicated that to them.

That's just one little fraction of the challenge of marriage and friendship and all of that. It's hard. It takes time, but it's worth it. Absolutely. Yeah. I think those check-ins are the hardest. I I know that there's there's four check-ins that I try and keep a good habit around with my wife that have really helped me. One of them is every day I'll ask her like, "What was your highlight today?" or "What did you learn today?" Something something positive, something like what's what's the best thing that happened to you today?

I want to know because it's so easy for us to get so busy in our days, not see each other all day, not speak all day. And days can go by like that too because we're also traveling. traveling. traveling. Then every week I try and ask her like, "How can I what can I help you with this week?" Like, "Is there something coming up that I just need to be aware of?" Sometimes it's just information. And that gives me an opportunity to also tell her, I've got a really stressful week coming up.

Just know that I may not be at my best this week. I'm just letting you know. Uh every month I'm, you know, checking in with her and trying to just say to her like, her like, her like, "What's what's your big focus for this month?" Like, you know, what's what's the big thing that you're working on? Then every year is easy, like, you know, what's your goal this year? A resolution or whatever. And I find that those questions and sometimes every quarter I'll ask a question which is the hardest one but it's like is this relationship going in the direction you want it to?

And if it isn't what are you willing to do and what am I willing to do to get it back on track? Because I find so often like if you just don't talk about that deep intimacy you're just going on different tracks and that's why 5 years later you're like well I don't know you anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so I find that like staying in close contact, but one of the biggest things I read which I wanted to try with you was the Gotman talked about how the number one skill or habit in relationships and they looked at couples who'd stayed together the longest and they found it wasn't date nights, it wasn't vacations, it wasn't any of this stuff.

It was learning how to fight. It was knowing how to deal with conflict. And most couples obviously we all go, "Well, we're never fight or we're never going to fight." But it's inevitable. So I came up with these three fight styles and I wanted to know okay okay okay how you see yourself and how you see President Obama or how he would see him himself. And so here the three fight styles are a venter which means I want to fix and solve it right now. You like to vent but you're really trying to fix and solve it.

The second one is you're a hider. You need time and space to think about it. Just want to go spend time by yourself. And then the third one is the exploder where it's like I want my emotions to be heard, felt, and seen before we take time apart or before we try and solve it. Which one are you? Okay. So, I've changed over early on in our relationships, I was more of an exploder. exploder. exploder. Wow. Wow. Wow. I think he has been always been a fixer, right?

right? right? The venter. Yeah. Fixer. Yeah. So then I would be explosive and then want to hide, right? It's like I want to explode. let me have my emotions and then give me a moment. Yes. Right. And he's like, "We've got to fix this. We've got to, you know, shut this down. We got to I will figure it out. Let's talk this through." Um, and I love that about him, especially as a man, you know, he is somebody that is not afraid to put his emotions out.

He's smart and so he knows me. So, he's like, he won't let me pretend like there's nothing wrong because he knows I know there's something. you're a little off. And um but I've had to learn that exploding on a fixer, it doesn't feel good to them, right? It just, you know, it feels good for me. Yes. Yes. Yes. But it doesn't feel good for him, right? But he's learned that as a hider that I do need a little more time. Right. If I'm exploding, I can't be rational enough to talk through your fixing.

and you and if you want to fix it, then I've got to be in a rational place. rational place. rational place. So, let me hide for a minute so I can get myself down to a fixer place. Yes. Yes. Yes. I think that's been the trajectory of our sorting through learning how to argue. argue. argue. If you can't explain something simply, you don't understand it well enough. Simple communication is not a sign of a lack of intelligence. It's a sign of deep understanding. deep understanding. deep understanding.

as a speaker, a leader, a communicator, a manager, whatever you may be, if you're able to be concise, simple, it will be so much more powerful. Remember this, confusion creates resistance. Clarity creates cooperation. If someone doesn't understand you, they can't support you. Good communicators ask if they were understood. Bad communicators assume they were. Good communicators aim for understanding. Bad communicators aim to be right. Notice the difference. Principle three. People don't argue with facts, they argue with threat. Here's a powerful insight. Most disagreements are not about facts.

They're about identity and safety. When people feel embarrassed, judged, or blamed, their brain stops listening. Let me say that again. When people feel embarrassed, judged, or blamed, their brain stops listening. How many times have you stopped listening when you felt that way? Now, think about all the times you spoke that way and thought it would affect someone. I know I've made that mistake. I constantly feel that if someone really understands what they got wrong or they were really made clear on the mistake they made that that would make them listen more.

But actually we're not listening to that because it's not factual. It feels like opinion. It feels personal. It feels like an attack. Research in conflict psychology shows that once someone feels threatened, they prioritize self-p protection over understanding. understanding. understanding. This is actually mind-blowing. When you think about all the interactions you have, home or work, when you make someone feel attacked, they're only thinking about protecting themselves. Effective communicators lower threat first. At work, here's what I'm seeing. Tell me if I'm missing something. At home, this matters to me and I want to understand your side.

These phrases do one thing. They create safety. Remember this. People don't need to feel corrected. They need to feel considered. Once safety is present, truth can land. Before sharing feedback, before saying something that's hard to hear, before you're about to have a difficult conversation, conversation, conversation, first set safety. Second, make sure that anything you're saying is coming with the intention of safety and choose your words that really align with that energy because you want to have an impact. A lot of people say, "Well, I should just be able to say what I want and people should understand." Well, if that's what you want, then that isn't a relationship based on care.

It's not a relationship based on love. It's not a relationship based on connection. It's a relationship based on you wanting people to understand you, but not taking the moment to understand them. I think this can all change for us. It can all change when we prioritize principle four. Questions change everything. One of the most powerful communication tools is curiosity. Research from negotiation psychology shows that asking open-ended questions reduces defensiveness and increases cooperation. increases cooperation. increases cooperation. Statements trigger resistance. questions invite collaboration. Instead of, "You're not listening," ask, "Can you tell me what you heard from what I just said?" Instead of, "This isn't working," ask, "What do you think would make this work better?" Questions shift the dynamic from opposition to partnership.

Here's a phrase that instantly deescalates tension. Help me understand. That sentence creates space where conflict used to be. There are so many challenges with the growth of AI. There are so many risks that it presents. But one of the things that I'm grateful it has done is that it has brought humans back to asking better questions. We grew up at a time when answers were everything. Now we know answers are everywhere and all of a sudden questions and prompts are the key to our intelligence. The better you are at asking questions, the better results you'll actually get from AI.

So that's a great way for us to test whether we know how to ask good questions, whether our questioning and curiosity ability is actually improving. That's the goal. If you can do that, you will actually lead your team, guide people, move people in a much stronger way. Manifestation is clarity about what you want and what it takes. Manifestation is writing it down and then building it step by step. Manifestation is persistence when motivation fades. Manifestation is aligning your choices with your values, not just your wishes.

If you just make it about your wishes, if you just make it about what you're writing, if you don't ever make it about the how, right? People say start with why. Really important. You should know why you're doing what you're doing. You should know what you want to build. But if you don't know how you're going to get there, it's almost the hardest thing, right? If you don't know how you're going to get to the party on a Saturday night, if you don't know how you're going to get to your vacation destination, if you don't know how you're going to build that company, it becomes a lot harder.

Spend more time figuring out the how. And you'll know that you're making momentum. You'll know you're making progress. You'll know you're moving in the right direction. See, the thing is, I really want you to get there. I really want you to experience the joy of building something you love. I don't just want it to remain a dream in your mind and your heart space that never gets to see the light of day. Myth number four, the universe rewards wanting. If I want it badly enough, I'll get it.

It does not work that way. Desire is fuel, but direction is the map. Without it, you spin in circles. Have you ever desperately wanted a job, relationship, or whatever it may be, but you had no strategy? Desire without direction is like stepping on the gas with no steering wheel. The reticular activating system, also known as RA, filters what you notice. Define a goal and your brain literally starts spotting opportunities. For example, once you think of buying a red car, you see them everywhere. So, here's the step.

Each morning, write down three things you want to notice that day. Maybe new clients, learning opportunities, or ways to connect. Your RA will tune in. This is so important. If you have a goal to write a book, start a podcast, build a company, ask yourself, what is it that you need? I was talking to a friend the other day and I'd said to him how important it was for him to show up to networking events. I said, "If you're out at those events, you're going to meet people.

People are going to see you. You're going to get to connect with them." He was avoiding it for months and months and months. He finally went to one and he was shocked at what it felt like to be front of mind. When you're present, you get to have the conversations you would never get to if you weren't there. So many of us avoid the actual action even though in our mind we're wondering why is this business not taking off? Why is it not starting off? Because we're not positioning ourselves in the places that we need to be.

Remember, you don't see things as they are. You see them through your own fears and hopes. You don't see yourself as you are. You see the story you keep repeating about who you are. You don't see the future as it is. You see the version you believe is possible. So many of us have the wish, we have the want, we have the desire, we don't have the direction, we don't have the drive. And where does that drive come from? Comes from picking something that you really value.

I mean, everyone would want to be financially free. Everyone would want abundance. Those are things we all want. But what does that look like for you? How does that manifest for you? When I say that, what I mean is how do you envision that? How's it unique to you? And how are you going to get there that's unique to you? If you connected with today's episode, check out my raw and honest talk with the one and only Cardi B. She opens up about overcoming depression and how she balanced rising to fame and creating a life for her children.

her children. her children. Well, you can tell me I'm I'm a bad mom. I'm a great mom. If I'm good at something as being a