10 Harsh Truths I Wish I Knew in My 20’s

I'm going to tell you something right I'm going to tell you something right now that's going to stay with you for now that's going to stay with you for now that's going to stay with you for the rest of the day. Every single thing the rest of the day. Every single thing the rest of the day. Every single thing you're currently stressed about, the you're currently stressed about, the you're currently stressed about, the career you're trying to build, the career you're trying to build, the career you're trying to build, the relationship you're trying to figure relationship you're trying to figure relationship you're trying to figure out, the body you're trying to fix, the out, the body you're trying to fix, the out, the body you're trying to fix, the money you're trying to make, the person money you're trying to make, the person money you're trying to make, the person you're trying to become, every single you're trying to become, every single you're trying to become, every single one of those things is being shaped one of those things is being shaped one of those things is being shaped right now by a set of invisible beliefs right now by a set of invisible beliefs right now by a set of invisible beliefs you've never examined. Beliefs you you've never examined. Beliefs you you've never examined. Beliefs you didn't choose. Beliefs you absorbed from didn't choose. Beliefs you absorbed from didn't choose. Beliefs you absorbed from your parents, your culture, your school, your parents, your culture, your school, your parents, your culture, your school, your feed. Beliefs that feel like truth your feed. Beliefs that feel like truth your feed. Beliefs that feel like truth because you've never held them up to the because you've never held them up to the because you've never held them up to the light and asked, "Wait, who told me light and asked, "Wait, who told me light and asked, "Wait, who told me this? And were they right?" I know this? And were they right?" I know this? And were they right?" I know people who spend the entirety of their people who spend the entirety of their people who spend the entirety of their 20s operating on beliefs that weren't 20s operating on beliefs that weren't 20s operating on beliefs that weren't theirs. They were inherited software. theirs. They were inherited software. theirs. They were inherited software. And that inherited software cost them And that inherited software cost them And that inherited software cost them years. Not months, years. Years of years. Not months, years. Years of years. Not months, years. Years of chasing things they didn't actually chasing things they didn't actually chasing things they didn't actually want. Years of avoiding things they want. Years of avoiding things they want. Years of avoiding things they desperately needed. Years of measuring desperately needed. Years of measuring desperately needed. Years of measuring their life against a scorecard that they their life against a scorecard that they their life against a scorecard that they didn't build. Playing a game they never didn't build. Playing a game they never didn't build. Playing a game they never agreed to enter. And wondering why agreed to enter. And wondering why agreed to enter. And wondering why winning didn't feel like winning. Today, winning didn't feel like winning. Today, winning didn't feel like winning. Today, I'm going to give you 10 truths that I I'm going to give you 10 truths that I I'm going to give you 10 truths that I and others have had to learn the hard and others have had to learn the hard and others have had to learn the hard way. Some of them through failure, some way. Some of them through failure, some way. Some of them through failure, some of them through pain, some through of them through pain, some through of them through pain, some through sitting in rooms with people who were sitting in rooms with people who were sitting in rooms with people who were decades ahead of you and hearing them decades ahead of you and hearing them decades ahead of you and hearing them say one sentence that rearranged how I say one sentence that rearranged how I say one sentence that rearranged how I saw everything. These are not the saw everything. These are not the saw everything. These are not the obvious things. I'm not going to tell obvious things. I'm not going to tell obvious things. I'm not going to tell you to work hard or believe in yourself you to work hard or believe in yourself you to work hard or believe in yourself or start investing early. You've heard or start investing early. You've heard or start investing early. You've heard that. Everyone's heard that. And if that. Everyone's heard that. And if that. Everyone's heard that. And if hearing it was enough, you'd already be hearing it was enough, you'd already be hearing it was enough, you'd already be doing it. These are the things no one doing it. These are the things no one doing it. These are the things no one says. the things that sound wrong the says. the things that sound wrong the says. the things that sound wrong the first time you hear them and then keep first time you hear them and then keep first time you hear them and then keep you up at night because you realize they you up at night because you realize they you up at night because you realize they might be the truest things anyone's ever might be the truest things anyone's ever might be the truest things anyone's ever told you. 10 truths, 30 minutes, and told you. 10 truths, 30 minutes, and told you. 10 truths, 30 minutes, and I'll tell you right now, number seven is I'll tell you right now, number seven is I'll tell you right now, number seven is the one that would have saved me the the one that would have saved me the the one that would have saved me the most pain, and it's the one you're going most pain, and it's the one you're going most pain, and it's the one you're going to resist the hardest. Stay for it. to resist the hardest. Stay for it. to resist the hardest. Stay for it. Let's go. Proof number one, the things Let's go. Proof number one, the things Let's go. Proof number one, the things you're most proud of avoiding are you're most proud of avoiding are you're most proud of avoiding are probably the things you most need to do. probably the things you most need to do. probably the things you most need to do. Here's what nobody tells you about your Here's what nobody tells you about your Here's what nobody tells you about your 20s. You will become extraordinarily 20s. You will become extraordinarily 20s. You will become extraordinarily skilled at avoiding the things that skilled at avoiding the things that skilled at avoiding the things that scare you and you will disguise that scare you and you will disguise that scare you and you will disguise that avoidance as something noble. You won't avoidance as something noble. You won't avoidance as something noble. You won't call it avoidance. You'll call it call it avoidance. You'll call it call it avoidance. You'll call it waiting for the right time. You'll call waiting for the right time. You'll call waiting for the right time. You'll call it doing more research. You'll call it it doing more research. You'll call it it doing more research. You'll call it being strategic. You'll call it not being strategic. You'll call it not being strategic. You'll call it not rushing into things. You'll build an rushing into things. You'll build an rushing into things. You'll build an elaborate, intelligent sounding elaborate, intelligent sounding elaborate, intelligent sounding vocabulary around the simple act of not vocabulary around the simple act of not vocabulary around the simple act of not doing the thing that frightens you. And doing the thing that frightens you. And doing the thing that frightens you. And because you're smart, and you are, because you're smart, and you are, because you're smart, and you are, otherwise you wouldn't be watching this, otherwise you wouldn't be watching this, otherwise you wouldn't be watching this, your rationalizations will be your rationalizations will be your rationalizations will be convincing. Convincing enough to fool convincing. Convincing enough to fool convincing. Convincing enough to fool everyone, including yourself. I did this everyone, including yourself. I did this everyone, including yourself. I did this for years. I told myself I was being for years. I told myself I was being for years. I told myself I was being thoughtful, careful, measured, sensible. thoughtful, careful, measured, sensible. thoughtful, careful, measured, sensible. What I was actually being was terrified. What I was actually being was terrified. What I was actually being was terrified. And the terror was wearing a very And the terror was wearing a very And the terror was wearing a very sophisticated outfit. Here's the science sophisticated outfit. Here's the science sophisticated outfit. Here's the science that cracked this open for me. Dr. that cracked this open for me. Dr. that cracked this open for me. Dr. Timothy Wilson at the University of Timothy Wilson at the University of Timothy Wilson at the University of Virginia ran a study where participants Virginia ran a study where participants Virginia ran a study where participants were left alone in a room with nothing were left alone in a room with nothing were left alone in a room with nothing but their thoughts and a button that but their thoughts and a button that but their thoughts and a button that would deliver a mild electric shock. would deliver a mild electric shock. would deliver a mild electric shock. They'd already tried the shock and said They'd already tried the shock and said They'd already tried the shock and said they hated it, said they'd pay money to they hated it, said they'd pay money to they hated it, said they'd pay money to avoid it. And yet, when left alone with avoid it. And yet, when left alone with avoid it. And yet, when left alone with nothing but their own mind, 67% of men nothing but their own mind, 67% of men nothing but their own mind, 67% of men and 25% of women chose to shock and 25% of women chose to shock and 25% of women chose to shock themselves rather than sit alone with themselves rather than sit alone with themselves rather than sit alone with their thoughts. Think about that again. their thoughts. Think about that again. their thoughts. Think about that again. People preferred physical pain to being People preferred physical pain to being People preferred physical pain to being alone with what was in their head. alone with what was in their head. alone with what was in their head. That's not a fun experiment. That's a That's not a fun experiment. That's a That's not a fun experiment. That's a diagnosis of the human condition. We diagnosis of the human condition. We diagnosis of the human condition. We will do almost anything, including hurt will do almost anything, including hurt will do almost anything, including hurt ourselves, to avoid confronting what's ourselves, to avoid confronting what's ourselves, to avoid confronting what's actually going on inside us. And in your actually going on inside us. And in your actually going on inside us. And in your 20ies, the version of the electric shock 20ies, the version of the electric shock 20ies, the version of the electric shock is busyness, scrolling, planning without is busyness, scrolling, planning without is busyness, scrolling, planning without executing, consuming content about doing executing, consuming content about doing executing, consuming content about doing the thing instead of doing the thing. the thing instead of doing the thing. the thing instead of doing the thing. You're pressing the button over and over You're pressing the button over and over You're pressing the button over and over and calling it preparation. The Bhagat and calling it preparation. The Bhagat and calling it preparation. The Bhagat Gita has a line that hit me like a truck Gita has a line that hit me like a truck Gita has a line that hit me like a truck when I first read it. It is better to when I first read it. It is better to when I first read it. It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than live your own destiny imperfectly than live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's to live an imitation of somebody else's to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection. That's not a life with perfection. That's not a life with perfection. That's not a motivational quote. That's a warning. motivational quote. That's a warning. motivational quote. That's a warning. The thing you're avoiding is almost The thing you're avoiding is almost The thing you're avoiding is almost always the thing that's actually yours. always the thing that's actually yours. always the thing that's actually yours. The thing that's aligned with who you The thing that's aligned with who you The thing that's aligned with who you really are. And you're avoiding it really are. And you're avoiding it really are. And you're avoiding it precisely because it's yours. Because precisely because it's yours. Because precisely because it's yours. Because doing it would mean stepping out from doing it would mean stepping out from doing it would mean stepping out from behind the mask of the person you've behind the mask of the person you've behind the mask of the person you've been pretending to be and standing in been pretending to be and standing in been pretending to be and standing in the open as the person you actually are. the open as the person you actually are. the open as the person you actually are. That's terrifying. Do it anyway. Your That's terrifying. Do it anyway. Your That's terrifying. Do it anyway. Your 20ies will end. The right time will 20ies will end. The right time will 20ies will end. The right time will never come. And the only thing worse never come. And the only thing worse never come. And the only thing worse than failing at the thing you need to do than failing at the thing you need to do than failing at the thing you need to do is succeeding at the thing you don't is succeeding at the thing you don't is succeeding at the thing you don't want to do. Truth two, you don't want to do. Truth two, you don't want to do. Truth two, you don't actually know what you want. You know actually know what you want. You know actually know what you want. You know what you were told to want. This one is what you were told to want. This one is what you were told to want. This one is going to sting, but you need to hear it. going to sting, but you need to hear it. going to sting, but you need to hear it. Most of what you're chasing right now, Most of what you're chasing right now, Most of what you're chasing right now, the job title, the relationship the job title, the relationship the job title, the relationship milestone, the body, the lifestyle, you milestone, the body, the lifestyle, you milestone, the body, the lifestyle, you didn't choose. You absorbed it. It was didn't choose. You absorbed it. It was didn't choose. You absorbed it. It was handed to you by a combination of handed to you by a combination of handed to you by a combination of parental expectations, cultural parental expectations, cultural parental expectations, cultural programming, social media reinforcement, programming, social media reinforcement, programming, social media reinforcement, and peer comparison. And because it was and peer comparison. And because it was and peer comparison. And because it was installed so early and reinforced so installed so early and reinforced so installed so early and reinforced so often, it doesn't feel installed. It often, it doesn't feel installed. It often, it doesn't feel installed. It feels like desire. Feels like ambition. feels like desire. Feels like ambition. feels like desire. Feels like ambition. It feels like what I've always wanted. It feels like what I've always wanted. It feels like what I've always wanted. But here's a question that will break But here's a question that will break But here's a question that will break the illusion. If no one would ever know, the illusion. If no one would ever know, the illusion. If no one would ever know, if there were no Instagram, no family if there were no Instagram, no family if there were no Instagram, no family dinners, no friends to impress, no dinners, no friends to impress, no dinners, no friends to impress, no metric to hit, would you still want metric to hit, would you still want metric to hit, would you still want this? If you could never tell anyone this? If you could never tell anyone this? If you could never tell anyone about your achievement, would you still about your achievement, would you still about your achievement, would you still pursue it? If the answer is no, you pursue it? If the answer is no, you pursue it? If the answer is no, you don't want the thing. You want the don't want the thing. You want the don't want the thing. You want the reaction. You want the status. You want reaction. You want the status. You want reaction. You want the status. You want the proof. And proof is not purpose. the proof. And proof is not purpose. the proof. And proof is not purpose. Proof is performance. Dr. Kenan Sheldon Proof is performance. Dr. Kenan Sheldon Proof is performance. Dr. Kenan Sheldon at the University of Missouri has at the University of Missouri has at the University of Missouri has studied what he calls self-conordance. studied what he calls self-conordance. studied what he calls self-conordance. the degree to which your goals align the degree to which your goals align the degree to which your goals align with your authentic interests and values with your authentic interests and values with your authentic interests and values versus external pressures and versus external pressures and versus external pressures and internalized expectations. His research internalized expectations. His research internalized expectations. His research spanning decades consistently shows that spanning decades consistently shows that spanning decades consistently shows that people who pursue self-concordant goals, people who pursue self-concordant goals, people who pursue self-concordant goals, goals they choose from genuine internal goals they choose from genuine internal goals they choose from genuine internal motivation are significantly more likely motivation are significantly more likely motivation are significantly more likely to achieve them. And critically, when to achieve them. And critically, when to achieve them. And critically, when they do achieve them, they actually feel they do achieve them, they actually feel they do achieve them, they actually feel fulfilled. It's not about not having fulfilled. It's not about not having fulfilled. It's not about not having goals. It's not about not being goals. It's not about not being goals. It's not about not being ambitious. It's about it being aligned. ambitious. It's about it being aligned. ambitious. It's about it being aligned. People who pursue non-concordant goals, People who pursue non-concordant goals, People who pursue non-concordant goals, goals absorbed from outside achieve them goals absorbed from outside achieve them goals absorbed from outside achieve them at lower rates. And even when they do at lower rates. And even when they do at lower rates. And even when they do succeed, the success feels hollow, succeed, the success feels hollow, succeed, the success feels hollow, empty. You think, is this it? That's the empty. You think, is this it? That's the empty. You think, is this it? That's the sound of a non-concordant goal arriving sound of a non-concordant goal arriving sound of a non-concordant goal arriving at its destination. The Tauist tradition at its destination. The Tauist tradition at its destination. The Tauist tradition calls this living in Tay, your authentic calls this living in Tay, your authentic calls this living in Tay, your authentic nature, your intrinsic power. The nature, your intrinsic power. The nature, your intrinsic power. The Taeqing says, "When you are content to Taeqing says, "When you are content to Taeqing says, "When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or be simply yourself and don't compare or be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you." compete, everyone will respect you." compete, everyone will respect you." This isn't passivity. It's the most This isn't passivity. It's the most This isn't passivity. It's the most radical act of your 20s. To stop long radical act of your 20s. To stop long radical act of your 20s. To stop long enough to separate what you actually enough to separate what you actually enough to separate what you actually want from what you were programmed to want from what you were programmed to want from what you were programmed to want, and to have the courage to pursue want, and to have the courage to pursue want, and to have the courage to pursue the first one, even if the second one the first one, even if the second one the first one, even if the second one looks better on paper. Do the audit looks better on paper. Do the audit looks better on paper. Do the audit seriously. Take every major goal you're seriously. Take every major goal you're seriously. Take every major goal you're currently pursuing and ask, "If no one currently pursuing and ask, "If no one currently pursuing and ask, "If no one would ever know I achieved this, would I would ever know I achieved this, would I would ever know I achieved this, would I still want it?" The ones where the still want it?" The ones where the still want it?" The ones where the answer is yes are your real goals. The answer is yes are your real goals. The answer is yes are your real goals. The ones where the answer is no are someone ones where the answer is no are someone ones where the answer is no are someone else's goals wearing your face. Let them else's goals wearing your face. Let them else's goals wearing your face. Let them go. They were never yours. Proof number go. They were never yours. Proof number go. They were never yours. Proof number three, the person you're pretending to three, the person you're pretending to three, the person you're pretending to be is costing you everything the person be is costing you everything the person be is costing you everything the person you actually are could have. This is the you actually are could have. This is the you actually are could have. This is the one that will save your relationships, one that will save your relationships, one that will save your relationships, your career, and your mental health if your career, and your mental health if your career, and your mental health if you let it. At some point in our life, you let it. At some point in our life, you let it. At some point in our life, we're all performing in conversations, we're all performing in conversations, we're all performing in conversations, in meetings, on dates, in friendships, in meetings, on dates, in friendships, in meetings, on dates, in friendships, online, in the mirror. You have online, in the mirror. You have online, in the mirror. You have constructed a version of yourself. Let's constructed a version of yourself. Let's constructed a version of yourself. Let's call it the approved version. And you call it the approved version. And you call it the approved version. And you present that version to the world present that version to the world present that version to the world because at some point, probably very because at some point, probably very because at some point, probably very early in our lives, we learned that the early in our lives, we learned that the early in our lives, we learned that the real version wasn't safe to show. Maybe real version wasn't safe to show. Maybe real version wasn't safe to show. Maybe the real version of you was too the real version of you was too the real version of you was too emotional for your parents and you emotional for your parents and you emotional for your parents and you learned to mask it. Maybe the real learned to mask it. Maybe the real learned to mask it. Maybe the real version of you had opinions that friends version of you had opinions that friends version of you had opinions that friends shut down, so you learned to agree. shut down, so you learned to agree. shut down, so you learned to agree. Maybe the real version of you wanted Maybe the real version of you wanted Maybe the real version of you wanted things that people didn't think were things that people didn't think were things that people didn't think were realistic, so you learned to want realistic, so you learned to want realistic, so you learned to want smaller. Maybe the real version was smaller. Maybe the real version was smaller. Maybe the real version was rejected, really rejected in the way rejected, really rejected in the way rejected, really rejected in the way only a child can be, and you built the only a child can be, and you built the only a child can be, and you built the approved version as armor. The armor approved version as armor. The armor approved version as armor. The armor worked. It kept you safe. It got you worked. It kept you safe. It got you worked. It kept you safe. It got you accepted. It got you through school and accepted. It got you through school and accepted. It got you through school and into jobs and past first dates. But into jobs and past first dates. But into jobs and past first dates. But here's what nobody told you about the here's what nobody told you about the here's what nobody told you about the armor. It doesn't just keep the bad armor. It doesn't just keep the bad armor. It doesn't just keep the bad things out. Keeps everything out. things out. Keeps everything out. things out. Keeps everything out. Including the connection, the Including the connection, the Including the connection, the recognition, the love, and the recognition, the love, and the recognition, the love, and the opportunities that can only reach you if opportunities that can only reach you if opportunities that can only reach you if people are interacting with the real you people are interacting with the real you people are interacting with the real you instead of the performance. Dr. Bnee instead of the performance. Dr. Bnee instead of the performance. Dr. Bnee Brown spent over two decades researching Brown spent over two decades researching Brown spent over two decades researching vulnerability and connection and her vulnerability and connection and her vulnerability and connection and her data leads to one conclusion that most data leads to one conclusion that most data leads to one conclusion that most people intellectually accept and people intellectually accept and people intellectually accept and behaviorally ignore. Genuine connection behaviorally ignore. Genuine connection behaviorally ignore. Genuine connection is impossible without vulnerability. The is impossible without vulnerability. The is impossible without vulnerability. The approved version of you cannot form deep approved version of you cannot form deep approved version of you cannot form deep connections because deep connection connections because deep connection connections because deep connection requires being seen. Not being seen requires being seen. Not being seen requires being seen. Not being seen performing, being seen. Here's the performing, being seen. Here's the performing, being seen. Here's the paradox that can ruin your 20s. The paradox that can ruin your 20s. The paradox that can ruin your 20s. The thing you think will get you rejected, thing you think will get you rejected, thing you think will get you rejected, your real self, your real thoughts, your your real self, your real thoughts, your your real self, your real thoughts, your real desires, your real weirdness, is real desires, your real weirdness, is real desires, your real weirdness, is actually the thing that creates actually the thing that creates actually the thing that creates belonging. And the thing you think keeps belonging. And the thing you think keeps belonging. And the thing you think keeps you safe. The performance, the mask, the you safe. The performance, the mask, the you safe. The performance, the mask, the approved version is the thing that approved version is the thing that approved version is the thing that guarantees loneliness. Because even when guarantees loneliness. Because even when guarantees loneliness. Because even when people accept the approved version, it people accept the approved version, it people accept the approved version, it never satisfies you because you know never satisfies you because you know never satisfies you because you know somewhere deep down that they didn't somewhere deep down that they didn't somewhere deep down that they didn't accept you. They accepted the mask. And accept you. They accepted the mask. And accept you. They accepted the mask. And being loved for a mask you're wearing is being loved for a mask you're wearing is being loved for a mask you're wearing is the loneliest kind of love there is. In the loneliest kind of love there is. In the loneliest kind of love there is. In the Zen tradition, there's a concept the Zen tradition, there's a concept the Zen tradition, there's a concept called shin, beginner's mind. It means called shin, beginner's mind. It means called shin, beginner's mind. It means approaching life without pretense, approaching life without pretense, approaching life without pretense, without the need to appear as an expert, without the need to appear as an expert, without the need to appear as an expert, without the armor of having it all without the armor of having it all without the armor of having it all figured out. The master said, "In the figured out. The master said, "In the figured out. The master said, "In the beginner's mind, there are many beginner's mind, there are many beginner's mind, there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind, possibilities, but in the expert's mind, possibilities, but in the expert's mind, there are few." Your approved version is there are few." Your approved version is there are few." Your approved version is the expert. He knows exactly how to the expert. He knows exactly how to the expert. He knows exactly how to behave, what to say, how to be behave, what to say, how to be behave, what to say, how to be acceptable. And in that expertise, it is acceptable. And in that expertise, it is acceptable. And in that expertise, it is eliminated the possibility of being eliminated the possibility of being eliminated the possibility of being surprised, of being discovered, of being surprised, of being discovered, of being surprised, of being discovered, of being genuinely known. Take off the armor. Not genuinely known. Take off the armor. Not genuinely known. Take off the armor. Not all at once, not with everyone, but all at once, not with everyone, but all at once, not with everyone, but start. Start with one person you trust. start. Start with one person you trust. start. Start with one person you trust. Show them one thing about you that isn't Show them one thing about you that isn't Show them one thing about you that isn't approved and watch what happens. What approved and watch what happens. What approved and watch what happens. What usually happens is the opposite of what usually happens is the opposite of what usually happens is the opposite of what you feared. They exhale. They lean in you feared. They exhale. They lean in you feared. They exhale. They lean in and they say, "Me, too." Because and they say, "Me, too." Because and they say, "Me, too." Because everyone's wearing armor. And the person everyone's wearing armor. And the person everyone's wearing armor. And the person who takes theirs off first gives who takes theirs off first gives who takes theirs off first gives everyone else permission to breathe. everyone else permission to breathe. everyone else permission to breathe. Truth four, discipline is not what you Truth four, discipline is not what you Truth four, discipline is not what you think it is. It's the art of think it is. It's the art of think it is. It's the art of disappointing the wrong things. Every disappointing the wrong things. Every disappointing the wrong things. Every piece of advice about discipline makes piece of advice about discipline makes piece of advice about discipline makes the same mistake. It frames discipline the same mistake. It frames discipline the same mistake. It frames discipline as the ability to force yourself to do as the ability to force yourself to do as the ability to force yourself to do hard things, to override your desires, hard things, to override your desires, hard things, to override your desires, to push through resistance with to push through resistance with to push through resistance with willpower, as if discipline is a battle willpower, as if discipline is a battle willpower, as if discipline is a battle between the good you and the lazy you. between the good you and the lazy you. between the good you and the lazy you. And success goes to whoever grits their And success goes to whoever grits their And success goes to whoever grits their teeth the hardest. That model doesn't teeth the hardest. That model doesn't teeth the hardest. That model doesn't work. And it's the reason most people's work. And it's the reason most people's work. And it's the reason most people's relationship with discipline is an relationship with discipline is an relationship with discipline is an exhaustion cycle of motivation, effort, exhaustion cycle of motivation, effort, exhaustion cycle of motivation, effort, collapse, guilt, and restart. Here's a collapse, guilt, and restart. Here's a collapse, guilt, and restart. Here's a reframe that changed everything for me. reframe that changed everything for me. reframe that changed everything for me. I didn't hear it from a productivity I didn't hear it from a productivity I didn't hear it from a productivity expert. I actually heard it from a monk. expert. I actually heard it from a monk. expert. I actually heard it from a monk. Discipline is not the ability to say yes Discipline is not the ability to say yes Discipline is not the ability to say yes to hard things. Discipline is the to hard things. Discipline is the to hard things. Discipline is the ability to say no to easy things. And ability to say no to easy things. And ability to say no to easy things. And more specifically, discipline is the art more specifically, discipline is the art more specifically, discipline is the art of disappointing the things that don't of disappointing the things that don't of disappointing the things that don't matter so that you can show up fully for matter so that you can show up fully for matter so that you can show up fully for the things that do. Every day you have a the things that do. Every day you have a the things that do. Every day you have a finite amount of energy, attention, and finite amount of energy, attention, and finite amount of energy, attention, and willpower. This is not a metaphor. Every willpower. This is not a metaphor. Every willpower. This is not a metaphor. Every decision you make, every temptation you decision you make, every temptation you decision you make, every temptation you resist, every distraction you fight resist, every distraction you fight resist, every distraction you fight draws from the same tank. The person who draws from the same tank. The person who draws from the same tank. The person who spends their morning resisting the spends their morning resisting the spends their morning resisting the snooze button, deciding what to wear, snooze button, deciding what to wear, snooze button, deciding what to wear, answering non-urgent emails, scrolling answering non-urgent emails, scrolling answering non-urgent emails, scrolling through notifications, and navigating a through notifications, and navigating a through notifications, and navigating a chaotic environment, arrives in their chaotic environment, arrives in their chaotic environment, arrives in their most important work with an empty tank. most important work with an empty tank. most important work with an empty tank. They didn't lack discipline. They spent They didn't lack discipline. They spent They didn't lack discipline. They spent it all on things that don't matter. The it all on things that don't matter. The it all on things that don't matter. The Stoic philosopher Senica wrote something Stoic philosopher Senica wrote something Stoic philosopher Senica wrote something 2,000 years ago that reads like it was 2,000 years ago that reads like it was 2,000 years ago that reads like it was targeted at our lives right now. It is targeted at our lives right now. It is targeted at our lives right now. It is not that we have a short time to live, not that we have a short time to live, not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a great deal of it. but that we waste a great deal of it. but that we waste a great deal of it. Life is long enough, and a sufficiently Life is long enough, and a sufficiently Life is long enough, and a sufficiently generous amount has been given to us for generous amount has been given to us for generous amount has been given to us for the highest achievements, if it were all the highest achievements, if it were all the highest achievements, if it were all well invested. But when it was wasted in well invested. But when it was wasted in well invested. But when it was wasted in heedless luxury and spent on no good heedless luxury and spent on no good heedless luxury and spent on no good activity, we're forced at last by activity, we're forced at last by activity, we're forced at last by death's final constraint to realize that death's final constraint to realize that death's final constraint to realize that it has passed away before we knew it was it has passed away before we knew it was it has passed away before we knew it was passing. You don't have a discipline passing. You don't have a discipline passing. You don't have a discipline problem. You have an allocation problem. problem. You have an allocation problem. problem. You have an allocation problem. You're investing your best resources, You're investing your best resources, You're investing your best resources, your morning energy, your deepest focus, your morning energy, your deepest focus, your morning energy, your deepest focus, your most creative hours into things your most creative hours into things your most creative hours into things that give you zero return. And then that give you zero return. And then that give you zero return. And then you're trying to do the things that you're trying to do the things that you're trying to do the things that actually matter with what's left over. actually matter with what's left over. actually matter with what's left over. And whatever's left over is never And whatever's left over is never And whatever's left over is never enough. Here's the practical shift. enough. Here's the practical shift. enough. Here's the practical shift. Identify the three things that drain you Identify the three things that drain you Identify the three things that drain you the most while producing the least. The the most while producing the least. The the most while producing the least. The scrolling, the email checking, the scrolling, the email checking, the scrolling, the email checking, the peopleleasing commitments, the peopleleasing commitments, the peopleleasing commitments, the performative business. Now disappoint performative business. Now disappoint performative business. Now disappoint them. Say no. Withdraw your energy. Let them. Say no. Withdraw your energy. Let them. Say no. Withdraw your energy. Let them be undone, unanswered, unattended. them be undone, unanswered, unattended. them be undone, unanswered, unattended. not forever, just long enough to not forever, just long enough to not forever, just long enough to redirect that energy into the one thing redirect that energy into the one thing redirect that energy into the one thing that actually moves your life forward. that actually moves your life forward. that actually moves your life forward. You're not being selfish. You're being You're not being selfish. You're being You're not being selfish. You're being solvent. You're refusing to go bankrupt solvent. You're refusing to go bankrupt solvent. You're refusing to go bankrupt funding things that give you no return. funding things that give you no return. funding things that give you no return. And now, a break from our sponsor, And now, a break from our sponsor, And now, a break from our sponsor, Miracle Grow. Let's be real, everyone's Miracle Grow. Let's be real, everyone's Miracle Grow. Let's be real, everyone's feeling a little digitally distracted feeling a little digitally distracted feeling a little digitally distracted and time starved lately. People are and time starved lately. People are and time starved lately. People are craving real connections and ways to craving real connections and ways to craving real connections and ways to unplug. And honestly, gardening is the unplug. And honestly, gardening is the unplug. And honestly, gardening is the ultimate way to do this. It isn't just ultimate way to do this. It isn't just ultimate way to do this. It isn't just about plants. It's about trading the about plants. It's about trading the about plants. It's about trading the digital noise for a quiet win. As you digital noise for a quiet win. As you digital noise for a quiet win. As you pour your energy into helping something pour your energy into helping something pour your energy into helping something grow, you're pouring a sense of calm and grow, you're pouring a sense of calm and grow, you're pouring a sense of calm and connection back into yourself, too. connection back into yourself, too. connection back into yourself, too. Whether you're in an apartment or you've Whether you're in an apartment or you've Whether you're in an apartment or you've never even touched a shovel, don't let never even touched a shovel, don't let never even touched a shovel, don't let self-doubt stop you. With 75 years of self-doubt stop you. With 75 years of self-doubt stop you. With 75 years of expertise, Miracle Grow takes the stress expertise, Miracle Grow takes the stress expertise, Miracle Grow takes the stress out of the process and makes it pure out of the process and makes it pure out of the process and makes it pure joy. And here's the big secret. Most joy. And here's the big secret. Most joy. And here's the big secret. Most people think water and sunlight are people think water and sunlight are people think water and sunlight are enough, but your plants actually need enough, but your plants actually need enough, but your plants actually need more to truly thrive. Whether it's more to truly thrive. Whether it's more to truly thrive. Whether it's starting with the right soil foundation starting with the right soil foundation starting with the right soil foundation or giving plants the boost they need to or giving plants the boost they need to or giving plants the boost they need to stay vibrant with plant food, Miracle stay vibrant with plant food, Miracle stay vibrant with plant food, Miracle Grow has all the essentials to make Grow has all the essentials to make Grow has all the essentials to make growing simple and stress-free. Head to growing simple and stress-free. Head to growing simple and stress-free. Head to miragrow.com miragrow.com miragrow.com to check out all of their easytouse to check out all of their easytouse to check out all of their easytouse products and start your growth journey products and start your growth journey products and start your growth journey today. Proof number five, the people you today. Proof number five, the people you today. Proof number five, the people you spend time with are not influencing you, spend time with are not influencing you, spend time with are not influencing you, they're programming you. You've heard they're programming you. You've heard they're programming you. You've heard the Jim Ran quote. You're the average of the Jim Ran quote. You're the average of the Jim Ran quote. You're the average of the five people you spend the most time the five people you spend the most time the five people you spend the most time with. Everyone nods. Nobody acts on it with. Everyone nods. Nobody acts on it with. Everyone nods. Nobody acts on it because acting on it requires something because acting on it requires something because acting on it requires something brutal. Looking at your actual five brutal. Looking at your actual five brutal. Looking at your actual five people and honestly evaluating what people and honestly evaluating what people and honestly evaluating what they're programming into you. I say they're programming into you. I say they're programming into you. I say programming deliberately because it's programming deliberately because it's programming deliberately because it's not influence. Influence implies a not influence. Influence implies a not influence. Influence implies a conscious process. someone persuading conscious process. someone persuading conscious process. someone persuading you to think or act a certain way, what you to think or act a certain way, what you to think or act a certain way, what actually happens is far more invisible actually happens is far more invisible actually happens is far more invisible and far more powerful. Dr. James Fowler and far more powerful. Dr. James Fowler and far more powerful. Dr. James Fowler in his landmark research published in in his landmark research published in in his landmark research published in the New England Journal of Medicine and the New England Journal of Medicine and the New England Journal of Medicine and expanded in his book Connected expanded in his book Connected expanded in his book Connected demonstrated that behaviors, emotions, demonstrated that behaviors, emotions, demonstrated that behaviors, emotions, and even health outcomes spread through and even health outcomes spread through and even health outcomes spread through social networks like contagions. If a social networks like contagions. If a social networks like contagions. If a close friend becomes obese, your own close friend becomes obese, your own close friend becomes obese, your own likelihood of becoming obese increases likelihood of becoming obese increases likelihood of becoming obese increases by 45%. by 45%. by 45%. Not because they convinced you to eat Not because they convinced you to eat Not because they convinced you to eat more, but because their behavior more, but because their behavior more, but because their behavior unconsciously recalibrated your sense of unconsciously recalibrated your sense of unconsciously recalibrated your sense of what's normal. If a friend of a friend, what's normal. If a friend of a friend, what's normal. If a friend of a friend, someone you may not even know gets someone you may not even know gets someone you may not even know gets divorced, your own likelihood of divorce divorced, your own likelihood of divorce divorced, your own likelihood of divorce increases. These effects ripple across increases. These effects ripple across increases. These effects ripple across three degrees of separation. Your three degrees of separation. Your three degrees of separation. Your environment is not a backdrop. It's an environment is not a backdrop. It's an environment is not a backdrop. It's an operating system. And the people in it operating system. And the people in it operating system. And the people in it are not passive characters. They're are not passive characters. They're are not passive characters. They're active inputs that are reshaping your active inputs that are reshaping your active inputs that are reshaping your neural pathways, your default behaviors, neural pathways, your default behaviors, neural pathways, your default behaviors, your ambition, and your sense of what's your ambition, and your sense of what's your ambition, and your sense of what's possible every single day without you possible every single day without you possible every single day without you being aware of it. The ancient texts being aware of it. The ancient texts being aware of it. The ancient texts understood this with striking precision. understood this with striking precision. understood this with striking precision. The Dharmapad, one of the oldest The Dharmapad, one of the oldest The Dharmapad, one of the oldest Buddhist texts says, "An ignorant person Buddhist texts says, "An ignorant person Buddhist texts says, "An ignorant person is like a log of wood. If they associate is like a log of wood. If they associate is like a log of wood. If they associate with the wise, they become a flame. If with the wise, they become a flame. If with the wise, they become a flame. If they associate with the foolish, they they associate with the foolish, they they associate with the foolish, they remain a log. That's not poetry. It's remain a log. That's not poetry. It's remain a log. That's not poetry. It's neuroscience expressed in metaphor. neuroscience expressed in metaphor. neuroscience expressed in metaphor. Mirror neurons first discovered by Dr. Mirror neurons first discovered by Dr. Mirror neurons first discovered by Dr. Rizolati and his team at the University Rizolati and his team at the University Rizolati and his team at the University of Palmer fire both when you perform an of Palmer fire both when you perform an of Palmer fire both when you perform an action and when you observe someone else action and when you observe someone else action and when you observe someone else performing it. Your brain literally performing it. Your brain literally performing it. Your brain literally rehearses the behaviors it witnesses in rehearses the behaviors it witnesses in rehearses the behaviors it witnesses in others. You don't have to agree with others. You don't have to agree with others. You don't have to agree with what the people around you are doing. what the people around you are doing. what the people around you are doing. You don't have to admire it. Your brain You don't have to admire it. Your brain You don't have to admire it. Your brain will pattern match to it anyway. Here's will pattern match to it anyway. Here's will pattern match to it anyway. Here's the harsh truth. If your five closest the harsh truth. If your five closest the harsh truth. If your five closest people are comfortable, you will become people are comfortable, you will become people are comfortable, you will become comfortable. If they complain, you will comfortable. If they complain, you will comfortable. If they complain, you will complain. If they've stopped growing, complain. If they've stopped growing, complain. If they've stopped growing, you will stop growing. Not because you will stop growing. Not because you will stop growing. Not because you're weak, but because you're human. you're weak, but because you're human. you're weak, but because you're human. And human brains sink to their And human brains sink to their And human brains sink to their environment with or without permission. environment with or without permission. environment with or without permission. And you don't have to leave them behind. And you don't have to leave them behind. And you don't have to leave them behind. If you start making better choices for If you start making better choices for If you start making better choices for yourself, you too can have a positive yourself, you too can have a positive yourself, you too can have a positive impact on everyone else. The most impact on everyone else. The most impact on everyone else. The most important decision of your 20s is not important decision of your 20s is not important decision of your 20s is not what career to pursue or who to date. what career to pursue or who to date. what career to pursue or who to date. It's who you allow into your daily It's who you allow into your daily It's who you allow into your daily environment. Curate it like your life environment. Curate it like your life environment. Curate it like your life depends on it because neurologically it depends on it because neurologically it depends on it because neurologically it does. Proof six. Being busy is the does. Proof six. Being busy is the does. Proof six. Being busy is the laziest thing you can do. This one is laziest thing you can do. This one is laziest thing you can do. This one is going to make some people feel going to make some people feel going to make some people feel defensive. Good. Defensive usually means defensive. Good. Defensive usually means defensive. Good. Defensive usually means accurate. Busyiness has become the accurate. Busyiness has become the accurate. Busyiness has become the default status symbol of our generation. default status symbol of our generation. default status symbol of our generation. How are you busy? Said with half a How are you busy? Said with half a How are you busy? Said with half a smile. That kind of says, I'm important. smile. That kind of says, I'm important. smile. That kind of says, I'm important. I'm in demand. I'm doing things. We wear I'm in demand. I'm doing things. We wear I'm in demand. I'm doing things. We wear busyness like a medal. And we judge rest busyness like a medal. And we judge rest busyness like a medal. And we judge rest like a crime. But here's the truth that like a crime. But here's the truth that like a crime. But here's the truth that took me years to see. Being busy is took me years to see. Being busy is took me years to see. Being busy is easy. Terrifyingly easy. Anyone can fill easy. Terrifyingly easy. Anyone can fill easy. Terrifyingly easy. Anyone can fill a schedule. Anyone can reply to every a schedule. Anyone can reply to every a schedule. Anyone can reply to every email, attend every meeting, say yes to email, attend every meeting, say yes to email, attend every meeting, say yes to every request, maintain a to-do list so every request, maintain a to-do list so every request, maintain a to-do list so long it could wallpaper a house. Being long it could wallpaper a house. Being long it could wallpaper a house. Being busy requires no thought, no strategy, busy requires no thought, no strategy, busy requires no thought, no strategy, no prioritization, no courage. You just no prioritization, no courage. You just no prioritization, no courage. You just say yes to whatever shows up and call say yes to whatever shows up and call say yes to whatever shows up and call the exhaustion hard work. Being the exhaustion hard work. Being the exhaustion hard work. Being effective, actually moving the needle on effective, actually moving the needle on effective, actually moving the needle on the things that matter is hard because the things that matter is hard because the things that matter is hard because it requires you to think, to choose, to it requires you to think, to choose, to it requires you to think, to choose, to say this matters and this doesn't. to say this matters and this doesn't. to say this matters and this doesn't. to disappoint people, to sit with the disappoint people, to sit with the disappoint people, to sit with the discomfort of an empty calendar and the discomfort of an empty calendar and the discomfort of an empty calendar and the terrifying question it produces. If I'm terrifying question it produces. If I'm terrifying question it produces. If I'm not busy, who am I? That question is the not busy, who am I? That question is the not busy, who am I? That question is the real reason we stay busy? Busyness is a real reason we stay busy? Busyness is a real reason we stay busy? Busyness is a hiding place. It keeps us from hiding place. It keeps us from hiding place. It keeps us from confronting the things we're avoiding. confronting the things we're avoiding. confronting the things we're avoiding. The relationship we need to fix, the The relationship we need to fix, the The relationship we need to fix, the career change we need to make, the career change we need to make, the career change we need to make, the creative work you keep saying you don't creative work you keep saying you don't creative work you keep saying you don't have time for. You don't have time for have time for. You don't have time for have time for. You don't have time for it because you filled every available it because you filled every available it because you filled every available minute with low value activity minute with low value activity minute with low value activity specifically so you can say you don't specifically so you can say you don't specifically so you can say you don't have time for it. The busyiness is not have time for it. The busyiness is not have time for it. The busyiness is not the obstacle. The busyiness is our false the obstacle. The busyiness is our false the obstacle. The busyiness is our false strategy. It's the most socially strategy. It's the most socially strategy. It's the most socially acceptable way to avoid your own life. acceptable way to avoid your own life. acceptable way to avoid your own life. Stop being busy and start being honest Stop being busy and start being honest Stop being busy and start being honest about what you're hiding from inside the about what you're hiding from inside the about what you're hiding from inside the busyiness. Truth seven, you will not be busyiness. Truth seven, you will not be busyiness. Truth seven, you will not be rewarded for your suffering. This is the rewarded for your suffering. This is the rewarded for your suffering. This is the one I said would save me the most pain. one I said would save me the most pain. one I said would save me the most pain. This is the one we all resist and I have This is the one we all resist and I have This is the one we all resist and I have too. Somewhere deep in your operating too. Somewhere deep in your operating too. Somewhere deep in your operating system, and I don't know exactly when it system, and I don't know exactly when it system, and I don't know exactly when it got installed, but I know it's there, is got installed, but I know it's there, is got installed, but I know it's there, is the belief that your suffering is an the belief that your suffering is an the belief that your suffering is an investment. that if you endure enough, investment. that if you endure enough, investment. that if you endure enough, sacrifice enough, push through enough sacrifice enough, push through enough sacrifice enough, push through enough pain, put yourself last enough times, pain, put yourself last enough times, pain, put yourself last enough times, that eventually the universe or life or that eventually the universe or life or that eventually the universe or life or God or something will notice and reward God or something will notice and reward God or something will notice and reward you. That there's a cosmic ledger you. That there's a cosmic ledger you. That there's a cosmic ledger keeping track of how much you've keeping track of how much you've keeping track of how much you've struggled and at some points the balance struggled and at some points the balance struggled and at some points the balance comes to you and you get what you've comes to you and you get what you've comes to you and you get what you've earned. Disbelief is ruining our lives earned. Disbelief is ruining our lives earned. Disbelief is ruining our lives and it's invisible because it disguises and it's invisible because it disguises and it's invisible because it disguises itself as virtue. You stay in the job itself as virtue. You stay in the job itself as virtue. You stay in the job that's destroying your health because that's destroying your health because that's destroying your health because leaving feels like giving up. And you've leaving feels like giving up. And you've leaving feels like giving up. And you've been taught that giving up is the worst been taught that giving up is the worst been taught that giving up is the worst thing a person can do. You stay in the thing a person can do. You stay in the thing a person can do. You stay in the relationship that diminishes you because relationship that diminishes you because relationship that diminishes you because you've invested so many years and you've invested so many years and you've invested so many years and walking away would mean all that walking away would mean all that walking away would mean all that suffering was for nothing. You deny suffering was for nothing. You deny suffering was for nothing. You deny yourself rest, pleasure, ease, and joy yourself rest, pleasure, ease, and joy yourself rest, pleasure, ease, and joy because somewhere in your programming is because somewhere in your programming is because somewhere in your programming is the message that those things are the message that those things are the message that those things are earned, not given, and you haven't earned, not given, and you haven't earned, not given, and you haven't earned them yet. This is what earned them yet. This is what earned them yet. This is what psychologists call the sunk cost fallacy psychologists call the sunk cost fallacy psychologists call the sunk cost fallacy applied to your entire life. The applied to your entire life. The applied to your entire life. The tendency to continue investing in tendency to continue investing in tendency to continue investing in something because of how much you've something because of how much you've something because of how much you've already invested regardless of whether already invested regardless of whether already invested regardless of whether the future return justifies it. Dr. the future return justifies it. Dr. the future return justifies it. Dr. Halarchs and Dr. Katherine Bloomer's Halarchs and Dr. Katherine Bloomer's Halarchs and Dr. Katherine Bloomer's foundational research on sunk costs foundational research on sunk costs foundational research on sunk costs showed that this bias operates even when showed that this bias operates even when showed that this bias operates even when people are explicitly told that past people are explicitly told that past people are explicitly told that past investment is irrelevant to future investment is irrelevant to future investment is irrelevant to future outcomes. The brain can't let go of the outcomes. The brain can't let go of the outcomes. The brain can't let go of the suffering it's already paid. So it suffering it's already paid. So it suffering it's already paid. So it doubles down and then triples down and doubles down and then triples down and doubles down and then triples down and calls it perseverance. The Buddhist calls it perseverance. The Buddhist calls it perseverance. The Buddhist tradition is devastatingly clear on tradition is devastatingly clear on tradition is devastatingly clear on this. The Buddha identified upadana, this. The Buddha identified upadana, this. The Buddha identified upadana, attachment, clinging as the mechanism attachment, clinging as the mechanism attachment, clinging as the mechanism that perpetuates suffering. And one of that perpetuates suffering. And one of that perpetuates suffering. And one of the most penicious forms of clinging is the most penicious forms of clinging is the most penicious forms of clinging is clinging to suffering itself. Clinging clinging to suffering itself. Clinging clinging to suffering itself. Clinging to the identity of the one who endures. to the identity of the one who endures. to the identity of the one who endures. clinging to the narrative that your pain clinging to the narrative that your pain clinging to the narrative that your pain has a purpose that will eventually be has a purpose that will eventually be has a purpose that will eventually be revealed. The Buddha didn't say revealed. The Buddha didn't say revealed. The Buddha didn't say suffering builds character. He said suffering builds character. He said suffering builds character. He said suffering is what happens when you suffering is what happens when you suffering is what happens when you cling. And the first thing most people cling. And the first thing most people cling. And the first thing most people cling to without realizing it is cling to without realizing it is cling to without realizing it is suffering itself. Because letting go of suffering itself. Because letting go of suffering itself. Because letting go of the suffering means admitting it might the suffering means admitting it might the suffering means admitting it might have been unnecessary. And that have been unnecessary. And that have been unnecessary. And that admission is almost too painful to bear. admission is almost too painful to bear. admission is almost too painful to bear. Here's the truth. Some suffering is Here's the truth. Some suffering is Here's the truth. Some suffering is unavoidable. Loss, grief, the genuine unavoidable. Loss, grief, the genuine unavoidable. Loss, grief, the genuine pain of being alive. We all have pain of being alive. We all have pain of being alive. We all have difficulties that we're going through. difficulties that we're going through. difficulties that we're going through. But the suffering we manufacture, the But the suffering we manufacture, the But the suffering we manufacture, the staying in things that aren't working, staying in things that aren't working, staying in things that aren't working, the tolerating of conditions, you have the tolerating of conditions, you have the tolerating of conditions, you have the power to change, that is optional the power to change, that is optional the power to change, that is optional and we can change. Truth eight, your and we can change. Truth eight, your and we can change. Truth eight, your 20ies are not a rehearsal. They're a 20ies are not a rehearsal. They're a 20ies are not a rehearsal. They're a live performance and the audience is live performance and the audience is live performance and the audience is your 30s. There's a lie your brain tells your 30s. There's a lie your brain tells your 30s. There's a lie your brain tells you in your 20s that is so comforting you in your 20s that is so comforting you in your 20s that is so comforting and so dangerous that it deserves its and so dangerous that it deserves its and so dangerous that it deserves its own truth on this list. The lie is I own truth on this list. The lie is I own truth on this list. The lie is I have time. You do technically, have time. You do technically, have time. You do technically, statistically probably, but I have time statistically probably, but I have time statistically probably, but I have time is not a fact you're operating from. is not a fact you're operating from. is not a fact you're operating from. It's a sedative you're taking. It's the It's a sedative you're taking. It's the It's a sedative you're taking. It's the thing you tell yourself so you can thing you tell yourself so you can thing you tell yourself so you can postpone the difficult decision for postpone the difficult decision for postpone the difficult decision for another month, delay the launch for another month, delay the launch for another month, delay the launch for another quarter, stay in the wrong city another quarter, stay in the wrong city another quarter, stay in the wrong city for another year, table the conversation for another year, table the conversation for another year, table the conversation for another day. I have time is the lie for another day. I have time is the lie for another day. I have time is the lie that transforms your 20s from a decade that transforms your 20s from a decade that transforms your 20s from a decade of building into a decade of intending. of building into a decade of intending. of building into a decade of intending. Now, I also don't want you to be at the Now, I also don't want you to be at the Now, I also don't want you to be at the opposite end where you put your pressure opposite end where you put your pressure opposite end where you put your pressure on yourself and you don't realize you do on yourself and you don't realize you do on yourself and you don't realize you do have time, right? That's unhealthy, too. have time, right? That's unhealthy, too. have time, right? That's unhealthy, too. So, the the laziness, I have so much So, the the laziness, I have so much So, the the laziness, I have so much time it doesn't matter to, oh my god, time it doesn't matter to, oh my god, time it doesn't matter to, oh my god, every day counts and I'm old. Both of every day counts and I'm old. Both of every day counts and I'm old. Both of those are inaccurate. Here's what I wish those are inaccurate. Here's what I wish those are inaccurate. Here's what I wish someone had told me with enough force to someone had told me with enough force to someone had told me with enough force to actually land. Your 30s are not a new actually land. Your 30s are not a new actually land. Your 30s are not a new chapter. They're the consequences of chapter. They're the consequences of chapter. They're the consequences of your 20s. Every relationship you stayed your 20s. Every relationship you stayed your 20s. Every relationship you stayed in too long, every skill you didn't in too long, every skill you didn't in too long, every skill you didn't develop, every financial habit you develop, every financial habit you develop, every financial habit you didn't build, every hard truth you didn't build, every hard truth you didn't build, every hard truth you postponed, every morning you traded for postponed, every morning you traded for postponed, every morning you traded for a scroll, and every evening you traded a scroll, and every evening you traded a scroll, and every evening you traded for a binge. Those don't disappear at 30 for a binge. Those don't disappear at 30 for a binge. Those don't disappear at 30 because you want them to. They compound because you want them to. They compound because you want them to. They compound in the wrong direction. Albert Einstein in the wrong direction. Albert Einstein in the wrong direction. Albert Einstein reportedly called compound interest the reportedly called compound interest the reportedly called compound interest the eighth wonder of the world. But eighth wonder of the world. But eighth wonder of the world. But compounding works on everything, not compounding works on everything, not compounding works on everything, not just money. Your habits compound, your just money. Your habits compound, your just money. Your habits compound, your knowledge compounds, your relationships knowledge compounds, your relationships knowledge compounds, your relationships compound, your health compounds. And compound, your health compounds. And compound, your health compounds. And here's what nobody tells you. The here's what nobody tells you. The here's what nobody tells you. The compounding curve is nearly invisible in compounding curve is nearly invisible in compounding curve is nearly invisible in your 20s. The difference between the your 20s. The difference between the your 20s. The difference between the person who reads for 30 minutes a day person who reads for 30 minutes a day person who reads for 30 minutes a day and the person who scrolls for 30 and the person who scrolls for 30 and the person who scrolls for 30 minutes a day is undetectable at 25. At minutes a day is undetectable at 25. At minutes a day is undetectable at 25. At 35, it's noticeable. At 45, it's a 35, it's noticeable. At 45, it's a 35, it's noticeable. At 45, it's a canyon. The ancient Indian concept of canyon. The ancient Indian concept of canyon. The ancient Indian concept of karma is grossly misunderstood in the karma is grossly misunderstood in the karma is grossly misunderstood in the West. It's not cosmic punishment. It's West. It's not cosmic punishment. It's West. It's not cosmic punishment. It's not what goes around comes around. In not what goes around comes around. In not what goes around comes around. In its original vantic context, karma its original vantic context, karma its original vantic context, karma simply means action. And the teaching is simply means action. And the teaching is simply means action. And the teaching is that every action creates a consequence. that every action creates a consequence. that every action creates a consequence. Not as a moral judgment, but as natural Not as a moral judgment, but as natural Not as a moral judgment, but as natural law like gravity. You don't get punished law like gravity. You don't get punished law like gravity. You don't get punished for jumping off a building. You just hit for jumping off a building. You just hit for jumping off a building. You just hit the ground. That's not justice. That's the ground. That's not justice. That's the ground. That's not justice. That's physics. Your 20ies are when you're physics. Your 20ies are when you're physics. Your 20ies are when you're building the trajectory, the angle, the building the trajectory, the angle, the building the trajectory, the angle, the initial conditions. And because the initial conditions. And because the initial conditions. And because the results aren't visible yet, it feels results aren't visible yet, it feels results aren't visible yet, it feels like the angle doesn't matter. It does. like the angle doesn't matter. It does. like the angle doesn't matter. It does. A onederee difference in trajectory is A onederee difference in trajectory is A onederee difference in trajectory is invisible at 100 m. At 1,000 miles, it's invisible at 100 m. At 1,000 miles, it's invisible at 100 m. At 1,000 miles, it's the difference between continents. This the difference between continents. This the difference between continents. This is not about panic. It's about respect. is not about panic. It's about respect. is not about panic. It's about respect. Respect for the decade you're in. Respect for the decade you're in. Respect for the decade you're in. Respect for the fact that the choices Respect for the fact that the choices Respect for the fact that the choices you're making right now, including the you're making right now, including the you're making right now, including the choice to postpone, to wait, to figure choice to postpone, to wait, to figure choice to postpone, to wait, to figure it out later, are not neutral. They are it out later, are not neutral. They are it out later, are not neutral. They are active. They're shaping a future you'll active. They're shaping a future you'll active. They're shaping a future you'll live in, whether you planned it or not. live in, whether you planned it or not. live in, whether you planned it or not. Truth nine, the relationship you have Truth nine, the relationship you have Truth nine, the relationship you have with yourself is the blueprint for every with yourself is the blueprint for every with yourself is the blueprint for every relationship you'll ever have. Every relationship you'll ever have. Every relationship you'll ever have. Every relationship problem you've ever had, relationship problem you've ever had, relationship problem you've ever had, every argument, every betrayal that cut every argument, every betrayal that cut every argument, every betrayal that cut too deep, every time you gave too much, too deep, every time you gave too much, too deep, every time you gave too much, every time you couldn't receive, every every time you couldn't receive, every every time you couldn't receive, every time you chose someone who was wrong for time you chose someone who was wrong for time you chose someone who was wrong for you and stayed anyway was not only a you and stayed anyway was not only a you and stayed anyway was not only a relationship problem, it was a self relationship problem, it was a self relationship problem, it was a self relationship problem that found a stage relationship problem that found a stage relationship problem that found a stage to be on. This sounds abstract until you to be on. This sounds abstract until you to be on. This sounds abstract until you see the machinery. If you don't trust see the machinery. If you don't trust see the machinery. If you don't trust yourself, your judgment, your instincts, yourself, your judgment, your instincts, yourself, your judgment, your instincts, your abilities to survive hard things, your abilities to survive hard things, your abilities to survive hard things, you will attract people who reinforce you will attract people who reinforce you will attract people who reinforce that distrust. Not because the universe that distrust. Not because the universe that distrust. Not because the universe is conspiring against you, but because is conspiring against you, but because is conspiring against you, but because your tolerance for mistreatment is your tolerance for mistreatment is your tolerance for mistreatment is calibrated to your self-worth. You will calibrated to your self-worth. You will calibrated to your self-worth. You will accept from others what you believe you accept from others what you believe you accept from others what you believe you deserve. And what you believe you deserve. And what you believe you deserve. And what you believe you deserve was set long before this deserve was set long before this deserve was set long before this relationship began. Dr. Kristen Nef at relationship began. Dr. Kristen Nef at relationship began. Dr. Kristen Nef at the University of Texas at Austin has the University of Texas at Austin has the University of Texas at Austin has spent over two decades researching spent over two decades researching spent over two decades researching self-compassion and its effects on self-compassion and its effects on self-compassion and its effects on relationship performance and mental relationship performance and mental relationship performance and mental health. Her findings are unambiguous. health. Her findings are unambiguous. health. Her findings are unambiguous. People with higher self-compassion have People with higher self-compassion have People with higher self-compassion have healthier relationships, set better healthier relationships, set better healthier relationships, set better boundaries, recover faster from boundaries, recover faster from boundaries, recover faster from conflict, and are less likely to stay in conflict, and are less likely to stay in conflict, and are less likely to stay in harmful dynamics. Not because they're harmful dynamics. Not because they're harmful dynamics. Not because they're selfish, but because they have a selfish, but because they have a selfish, but because they have a baseline of internal regard that baseline of internal regard that baseline of internal regard that prevents them from outsourcing their prevents them from outsourcing their prevents them from outsourcing their sense of worth to someone else. Here's sense of worth to someone else. Here's sense of worth to someone else. Here's the mechanism. If you don't give the mechanism. If you don't give the mechanism. If you don't give yourself approval, if your self-worth is yourself approval, if your self-worth is yourself approval, if your self-worth is contingent on external validation, then contingent on external validation, then contingent on external validation, then every relationship becomes an approval every relationship becomes an approval every relationship becomes an approval seeking mission. You don't show up as a seeking mission. You don't show up as a seeking mission. You don't show up as a partner. You show up as an applicant partner. You show up as an applicant partner. You show up as an applicant performing, auditioning, trying to earn performing, auditioning, trying to earn performing, auditioning, trying to earn a feeling that you should be generating a feeling that you should be generating a feeling that you should be generating internally. And the person across from internally. And the person across from internally. And the person across from you can feel it. They feel the weight of you can feel it. They feel the weight of you can feel it. They feel the weight of being your source. Some people will being your source. Some people will being your source. Some people will exploit that. Some will try to fill the exploit that. Some will try to fill the exploit that. Some will try to fill the role and burn out. Neither dynamic is role and burn out. Neither dynamic is role and burn out. Neither dynamic is love. Both are transactions. The Sufi love. Both are transactions. The Sufi love. Both are transactions. The Sufi poet Roomie before Instagram turned him poet Roomie before Instagram turned him poet Roomie before Instagram turned him into a greeting card wrote, "You wander into a greeting card wrote, "You wander into a greeting card wrote, "You wander from room to room looking for the from room to room looking for the from room to room looking for the diamond necklace that is already around diamond necklace that is already around diamond necklace that is already around your neck. Your 20ies will likely be a your neck. Your 20ies will likely be a your neck. Your 20ies will likely be a decade of wandering from person to decade of wandering from person to decade of wandering from person to person, looking for them to give you the person, looking for them to give you the person, looking for them to give you the feeling of being enough. They can't give feeling of being enough. They can't give feeling of being enough. They can't give it to you. It's already yours. It's been it to you. It's already yours. It's been it to you. It's already yours. It's been yours the entire time, but no one yours the entire time, but no one yours the entire time, but no one modeled that for you. So, you keep modeled that for you. So, you keep modeled that for you. So, you keep searching for it in other people, searching for it in other people, searching for it in other people, something that can be found in yourself. something that can be found in yourself. something that can be found in yourself. Truth 10. You will not figure out your Truth 10. You will not figure out your Truth 10. You will not figure out your life. You will build it and it will look life. You will build it and it will look life. You will build it and it will look nothing like the plan. You'll get to nothing like the plan. You'll get to nothing like the plan. You'll get to where you want in life, just not in the where you want in life, just not in the where you want in life, just not in the way you imagine it. This is the last one way you imagine it. This is the last one way you imagine it. This is the last one because it's the one that holds all the because it's the one that holds all the because it's the one that holds all the others together. You are currently others together. You are currently others together. You are currently trying to figure out your life and the trying to figure out your life and the trying to figure out your life and the effort feels like it's destroying you. effort feels like it's destroying you. effort feels like it's destroying you. Because figuring out your life implies Because figuring out your life implies Because figuring out your life implies that your life is a puzzle that all the that your life is a puzzle that all the that your life is a puzzle that all the pieces exist somewhere right now and pieces exist somewhere right now and pieces exist somewhere right now and your job is to find them. Put them in your job is to find them. Put them in your job is to find them. Put them in the right order right now and reveal the the right order right now and reveal the the right order right now and reveal the picture on the box. Once you find the picture on the box. Once you find the picture on the box. Once you find the right career, the right partner, the right career, the right partner, the right career, the right partner, the right city, the right purpose, click, right city, the right purpose, click, right city, the right purpose, click, click, click. The picture will appear click, click. The picture will appear click, click. The picture will appear and you'll finally feel settled. It's and you'll finally feel settled. It's and you'll finally feel settled. It's not how it works. It's never worked that not how it works. It's never worked that not how it works. It's never worked that way for anyone who has ever lived. And way for anyone who has ever lived. And way for anyone who has ever lived. And the belief that it should is the single the belief that it should is the single the belief that it should is the single greatest source of anxiety in your greatest source of anxiety in your greatest source of anxiety in your 20ies. Dr. Ibara at London Business 20ies. Dr. Ibara at London Business 20ies. Dr. Ibara at London Business School has studied career transitions School has studied career transitions School has studied career transitions and identity formation for decades. Her and identity formation for decades. Her and identity formation for decades. Her research shows that people who research shows that people who research shows that people who successfully reinvent themselves do not successfully reinvent themselves do not successfully reinvent themselves do not do it through introspection and do it through introspection and do it through introspection and planning. They do it through action and planning. They do it through action and planning. They do it through action and experimentation. experimentation. experimentation. Here's my four-step system. Experience. Here's my four-step system. Experience. Here's my four-step system. Experience. Take action. Do things. Try things. Make Take action. Do things. Try things. Make Take action. Do things. Try things. Make mistakes. When you experience things, mistakes. When you experience things, mistakes. When you experience things, experience leads to competence. You experience leads to competence. You experience leads to competence. You develop skills. You learn things. You develop skills. You learn things. You develop skills. You learn things. You learn lessons. Competence leads to learn lessons. Competence leads to learn lessons. Competence leads to evidence. Once you can do things again evidence. Once you can do things again evidence. Once you can do things again and again and go through challenges with and again and go through challenges with and again and go through challenges with that competence, you get evidence of that competence, you get evidence of that competence, you get evidence of what's possible and that evidence leads what's possible and that evidence leads what's possible and that evidence leads to confidence. We think we start at to confidence. We think we start at to confidence. We think we start at confidence. You start at experience, confidence. You start at experience, confidence. You start at experience, then you get competence, then you get then you get competence, then you get then you get competence, then you get evidence and then you build confidence. evidence and then you build confidence. evidence and then you build confidence. You try things, you have experiences You try things, you have experiences You try things, you have experiences that surprise you. You stumble into that surprise you. You stumble into that surprise you. You stumble into interest that you didn't predict. The interest that you didn't predict. The interest that you didn't predict. The self is not discovered through thinking. self is not discovered through thinking. self is not discovered through thinking. It's discovered through doing and then It's discovered through doing and then It's discovered through doing and then thinking. And the person you become at thinking. And the person you become at thinking. And the person you become at 35 will be shaped by things that haven't 35 will be shaped by things that haven't 35 will be shaped by things that haven't happened to you yet. Things you cannot happened to you yet. Things you cannot happened to you yet. Things you cannot plan for, predict, or control. The plan for, predict, or control. The plan for, predict, or control. The ancient towist concept of the uncarved ancient towist concept of the uncarved ancient towist concept of the uncarved block captures this beautifully. The block captures this beautifully. The block captures this beautifully. The uncarved block represents pure potential uncarved block represents pure potential uncarved block represents pure potential before it has been shaped by before it has been shaped by before it has been shaped by expectation, definition, or limitation. expectation, definition, or limitation. expectation, definition, or limitation. Your 20s are the uncarved block and the Your 20s are the uncarved block and the Your 20s are the uncarved block and the worst thing you can do is carve it into worst thing you can do is carve it into worst thing you can do is carve it into a fixed shape too early based on a fixed shape too early based on a fixed shape too early based on incomplete information, external incomplete information, external incomplete information, external pressure, and the desperate need to have pressure, and the desperate need to have pressure, and the desperate need to have an answer to. So, what's the plan? You an answer to. So, what's the plan? You an answer to. So, what's the plan? You don't need a plan. You need a practice. don't need a plan. You need a practice. don't need a plan. You need a practice. A practice of paying attention to what A practice of paying attention to what A practice of paying attention to what makes you come alive and doing more of makes you come alive and doing more of makes you come alive and doing more of it. A practice of noticing what drains it. A practice of noticing what drains it. A practice of noticing what drains you and doing less of it. A practice of you and doing less of it. A practice of you and doing less of it. A practice of following curiosity even when it leads following curiosity even when it leads following curiosity even when it leads somewhere that doesn't make sense on a somewhere that doesn't make sense on a somewhere that doesn't make sense on a resume. a practice of allowing your life resume. a practice of allowing your life resume. a practice of allowing your life to be built iteratively through lived to be built iteratively through lived to be built iteratively through lived experience rather than designed experience rather than designed experience rather than designed theoretically through anxious planning. theoretically through anxious planning. theoretically through anxious planning. Your life will not go according to plan. Your life will not go according to plan. Your life will not go according to plan. And that's not a warning. It's a And that's not a warning. It's a And that's not a warning. It's a promise. And it's the best news you'll promise. And it's the best news you'll promise. And it's the best news you'll hear all day because the plan you're hear all day because the plan you're hear all day because the plan you're clinging to was based on who you were clinging to was based on who you were clinging to was based on who you were when you made it. And you're not that when you made it. And you're not that when you made it. And you're not that person anymore. You're not the person person anymore. You're not the person person anymore. You're not the person you were when you started this video. you were when you started this video. you were when you started this video. Every experience, every failure, every Every experience, every failure, every Every experience, every failure, every surprise, every heartbreak, every late surprise, every heartbreak, every late surprise, every heartbreak, every late night conversation that changed your night conversation that changed your night conversation that changed your mind about something you thought you mind about something you thought you mind about something you thought you were certain about, all of it is carving were certain about, all of it is carving were certain about, all of it is carving the block. And the shape that's emerging the block. And the shape that's emerging the block. And the shape that's emerging is more interesting, more beautiful, is more interesting, more beautiful, is more interesting, more beautiful, more complex than anything you could more complex than anything you could more complex than anything you could have designed from scratch. Stop trying have designed from scratch. Stop trying have designed from scratch. Stop trying to figure out your life in one year. to figure out your life in one year. to figure out your life in one year. Start building it brick by brick. One Start building it brick by brick. One Start building it brick by brick. One honest decision at a time. One brave honest decision at a time. One brave honest decision at a time. One brave conversation at a time. One day of doing conversation at a time. One day of doing conversation at a time. One day of doing the thing that matters, not the thing the thing that matters, not the thing the thing that matters, not the thing that's urgent, expected, or that people that's urgent, expected, or that people that's urgent, expected, or that people want you to do. The plan is not the want you to do. The plan is not the want you to do. The plan is not the point. The practice is the point. And point. The practice is the point. And point. The practice is the point. And the practice is simple, even when it's the practice is simple, even when it's the practice is simple, even when it's hard. Stay curious, stay honest, stay hard. Stay curious, stay honest, stay hard. Stay curious, stay honest, stay building. The life that's waiting for building. The life that's waiting for building. The life that's waiting for you on the other side of your 20s isn't you on the other side of your 20s isn't you on the other side of your 20s isn't the one you planned. Thank you for the one you planned. Thank you for the one you planned. Thank you for watching today's video. I hope it watching today's video. I hope it watching today's video. I hope it helped. I hope you'll share it with a helped. I hope you'll share it with a helped. I hope you'll share it with a friend or family member who needs it. friend or family member who needs it. friend or family member who needs it. And I can't wait to see you here on the And I can't wait to see you here on the And I can't wait to see you here on the next one. I hope that these 10 truths next one. I hope that these 10 truths next one. I hope that these 10 truths allow you to break through some serious allow you to break through some serious allow you to break through some serious barriers in your life and create the barriers in your life and create the barriers in your life and create the shift you're looking for. Hey everyone, shift you're looking for. Hey everyone, shift you're looking for. Hey everyone, if you loved that conversation, go and if you loved that conversation, go and if you loved that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's check out my episode with the world's check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Lori Gotautle. leading therapist, Lori Gotautle. leading therapist, Lori Gotautle. >> You are exactly where you need to be if >> You are exactly where you need to be if >> You are exactly where you need to be if you are doing the work. If you're not you are doing the work. If you're not you are doing the work. If you're not doing the work, you're going to be doing the work, you're going to be doing the work, you're going to be behind.