#1 Parenting Myth That’s Making You More Anxious (And Why It’s False..)

April 13, 2026 1h 28m

On Purpose

Key Takeaway

Before having a baby, schedule bi-weekly relationship check-in meetings on your calendar with your partner. These structured conversations allow you to discuss what's working, what's not, and how to adapt—all in a calm state rather than during moments of stress. This simple practice can transform how you navigate the intense 'group project' of early parenting, when you're sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, and caring more about this project than anything you've ever done.

Episode Overview

Emily Oster, economist and bestselling author of 'Expecting Better,' joins the podcast to debunk common pregnancy and parenting myths using data-driven research. The conversation explores what the evidence actually says about fertility, pregnancy behaviors, parenting decisions, and the overwhelming amount of conflicting advice new parents receive.

Key Insights

Focus on What Actually Matters in Pregnancy

Most pregnancy advice is overblown. The truly important things to avoid are binge drinking, heavy alcohol consumption, smoking cigarettes or marijuana during pregnancy, and certain contraindicated medications. Beyond these major concerns, the data shows that most other worries—like what you eat or minor exposures—either have no evidence of harm or effects so tiny they fall into the 'rounding error' of everything else you'll do as a parent.

Fertility Declines with Age, But Not Dramatically

Fertility peaks in late teens and slowly declines through the 20s and 30s, eventually falling off toward menopause. While it is harder to get pregnant when you're older, it's not impossible. The key controllable factors are: tracking your cycle to know when you're ovulating, having sex at the right time, and ensuring sperm quality through testing and avoiding things like smoking, heavy drinking, and excessive heat exposure.

Prepare Your Relationship, Not Just the Nursery

Having a baby introduces the most important 'group project' of your life with someone who also has no idea what they're doing, while you're both exhausted and have limited time and money. Instead of obsessing over minor pregnancy details, invest in preparing your partnership by scheduling bi-weekly relationship check-in meetings before the baby arrives—because you won't make time for them once the project starts.

Breastfeeding vs. Formula: Both Are Good Options

While breastfeeding shows small short-term benefits like lower risk of gastrointestinal infections and eczema, the long-term benefits people are told about (smarter, thinner kids) are correlation, not causation. Studies comparing siblings where one was breastfed and one wasn't show no IQ differences. Both options are expensive—formula costs money, breastfeeding costs time—and neither is obviously 'cheaper.'

Men's Fertility Matters Too

We spend enormous time focusing on women's preparation for pregnancy while underinvesting in male fertility. Sperm quality matters significantly, and men should get preconception sperm testing. Sperm quality can be improved by quitting smoking (cigarettes or marijuana), reducing heavy drinking, avoiding excessive heat (hot tubs, saunas, tight underwear), and addressing any mobility or shape issues identified through testing.

Notable Quotes

"People will tell you breastfeeding is free. It's like, I'm sorry. Does my time have no value?"

— Emily Oster

"Having a kid to your marriage, you are introducing a new person, somebody who you there's a new project. There's a new group project and you care more about this group project than you have ever cared about anything in your entire life, but you have no idea how to do it."

— Emily Oster

"We spend so much time with women thinking about all the things that we need to do and it is true that that is half of the equation, but you also need good sperm."

— Emily Oster

"The other day somebody asked me, you know, my lawn was treated with pesticides and then I went outside and I touched it. I washed my hands really carefully, but now I'm really worried. There is no mechanism whereby touching a lawn, even recently treated with pesticides and then washing your hands, would actually impact your pregnancy. Like literally no mechanism."

— Emily Oster

"I used to have a mentor that used to tell me when you have kids you've got to write off—he used to say—write off seven years of your life per kid."

— Jay Shetty

Action Items

1
Schedule Bi-Weekly Relationship Meetings Before Baby Arrives
Put recurring meetings on your calendar with your partner for after the baby is born. Use these check-ins to discuss what's going well, what's not, and what you could do differently. These structured conversations in a 'cool state' prevent resentment from building and help you navigate the intense early parenting period as a team.
2
Get Male Sperm Testing Early in Conception Journey
If trying to conceive, have your male partner get sperm tested early. This simple test can identify issues with count, mobility, or shape. If issues are found, men can improve sperm quality by quitting smoking and marijuana, reducing heavy drinking, avoiding hot tubs/saunas, and wearing looser underwear.
3
Track Your Cycle for Fertility Timing
Use cycle tracking (apps or spreadsheets) to identify your ovulation window. There are only a small number of days in each cycle where pregnancy is possible, so timing matters. This gives you something actionable to do daily while recognizing that beyond this, getting pregnant is largely a probability game (roughly 30% chance per month when timed correctly).
4
Stop Obsessing Over Minor Pregnancy Details
Focus your energy on the few things that truly matter: avoid binge drinking, quit smoking, avoid contraindicated medications. Stop worrying about minor exposures, expensive prenatal vitamins (the $0.10/pill generic is fine), or extreme food restrictions. Prioritize what's genuinely important rather than trying to control every tiny variable.